Tell-Tale Signs That it's Time to Divorce

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Sun, 11/01/2009 - 9:24am

In my last article, I wrote about things to consider before making the decision to divorce. This article deals with accepting and recognizing when it is time to "throw in the towel." Below are a few signs that you are dealing with a marriage that has gone past the point of saving...in my opinion.

Are you to the point that your spouse just can't do anything right, does everything they do get under your skin?

Shortly before my Aunt and Uncle divorced, I heard her say, "If he died tomorrow I'd have to peel an onion before I could shed a tear." Their marriage had gone on way too long. So long that she had developed feelings of animosity toward her husband. If you feel yourself moving in that direction, do yourself and him a favor and move on.

Are you tired of the trying, so tired you can't muster of the energy to even engage anymore?

Trying to solve marital problems can turn into a cycle of the wife trying to get her needs met and the husband stonewalling or dismissing her. A woman will normally try to re-engage her husband. Women are natural problem solvers who don't give up easily. She will eventually tire of trying to engage her husband in finding solutions to the marital problems. She will withdraw, stop expressing her needs; and once this happens, the marriage is headed for separation or divorce.

Does the idea of sex with your spouse cause you to shudder?

Does the idea of sex with your husband cause you to feel trapped, like you want to cry, pack your bags and never come back? If so, it is time to act on your feelings.

Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?

Feelings of resentment come from being hurt by your husband. They stem from allowing someone to hurt you. There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt by the actions of another. The kiss of death to a marriage comes when we harbor those hurt feelings and do nothing about them. When you don't voice your feelings in a proper manner or stand up for yourself, hurt turns to resentment. From resentment grows bitterness and hostility, feelings hard to work through and more than likely mean the end of a marriage.

The above list is a small sample of signs that your marriage is dead. Many women live for years in a marriage where some or all of the above signs are present. They stay for any number of reasons...guilt, religious beliefs, the children, fear of change. They stay for all the wrong reasons. In my opinion, when it is over, it is over. It is time to stop peeling onions and throw in the towel.

Related Articles:

Do Some Thinking Before Filing for Divorce - By Cathy Meyer

Click the following for more articles and resource videos on Getting A Divorce

Comments

love lost

Submitted by linda love lost (not verified) on Sun, 02/12/2012 - 11:36am.

I am 40 years old and have been with my husband for >20 years. we have a wonderful and smart 17 year old who will be going to college next year. I want out of this marriage. there have been many times over the past 20 years that i have threatened to leave because he is not respectful to me, doesnt trust me,(i have never cheated and would not- i just dont want to have sex with my husband), does not appreciate me and does not contribute to paying any bills. He also is verbally and mentally abusive. i will not tell you that have not been verbally abusive too, because i have. that is what i feel that i was turned into and that was my defense to him. I hate that part of the person that i have become. . I feel that i have put up with it way too long. (felt like THAT many times), but this time is different. my feelings for him are gone. i care for him, but i dont love him any more and each time i think of having to deal with him, i cringe. i am planning to file for divorce once my son graduates. I have told him this as i want to prepare him for it. He has no income, he cannot take care of himself or me (which is one reason i want to leave- among many). Now, he is begging me back, not eating, not drinking anything non-alcoholic which is chasing me into a depression beccuase i feel bad.. I hate this (married) life. - dont get me wrong, i love life, i am active in my community, i work out everyday and feel very confident about myself. Please, someone give me advise on how to handle the guilt i am feeling.

why

Submitted by daybear (not verified) on Fri, 02/10/2012 - 9:45am.

my husband and i have been married for 35 yrs this sept , we never have sex or any thing no kisses nothing he has problem sexualy he cant get erection at least not for me .. i dont know if he wacks off or not i cant take it any more i am starting to recent him and i have turned to another man for sex and i allways seem like i am looking for some one to love buti have lost self esteam i think i am ugly or to fat some thing has to be wrong with me .. i cry all the time and i hate him for making me cheat .. i dont know what to do i am scared to get a divorce he is all i know i was 15 when we got together had baby with him when i was barely 16 and now we got three grown kids they have kids , i dont want to start over but i cant stand to feel this way any more if i could fix us i would but i cant when i try to talk to him he just with draws . told me once my dick dont work so get over it what am i to do with that please help me ..

I was in a relationship for 8

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:15pm.

I was in a relationship for 8 years, it was pretty bad at times. I left him about 6 times and went back because of our kids. He treated me horrible,had many secrets always other women involved and yet I stayed like an idiot. Decided to marry him to make things better I thought. It only got worse. He thought I belonged to him and did whatever he wanted without caring about me or our kids. I decided to finally leave because of the emotional and verbal abuse,and some physical abuse. Now I am trying to divorce him and he doesnt want to, he is making my life a living hell. Wont let me and the kids be happy. Please rethink who you are going to spend the rest of your life with, make sure if you have no kids that you can get out easier from the relationship. I decided to leave because no one should suffer especially the kids. I feel better without him and plan on being happy no matter what.

Need a woman's perspective

Submitted by Alex (not verified) on Tue, 02/07/2012 - 1:57pm.

Hi - Me and my wife have been together for 2 years but only got married recently due to her getting pregnant. It was not our intention to get pregnant but it happened and we were married a few weeks later. we have since lost the baby. We had talked about wanting to marry each other since we were 6 months into our relationship and we have had loads of fun together. After the first while we begun to really see who we were and i'd constantly be upset with the way she talked to me or got really angry and moody over small things. I am 23 and she is 27. She has a 7 year old girl, who with no father ever present has not had a very good up bringing (lack of manners, greedy) though i have grown attached to her. Even though I love her, she has been the only person i've ever loved and with all the ups and downs we've had I feel as if I need to be on my own, like I need to live my life before I settle down. We just got into our first place living together and I still love her very much but I cant shake the feeling I need to move on. I'm scared, I am scared for her.. I really don't want to hurt her or cause another negative impact on her child. We have almost split up a couple times before because of our differences in handling situations and of her unwillingness to compromise or change for me. After almost leaving her recently, coming back and trying to fix it, I can see now that she is actually trying. When we are good we are great but again... I cant shake the feeling that I need to grow up a little and be out on my own. She is 27 and has lived on her own, had a few close relationships, had her daughter. All the men in her life have been bad to her or have cheated on her. I have never been in a serious relationship, I have never lived away from home on my own apart from moving into the house we are renting together. I have to be the first person she's with who has put her needs and happiness over themselves. HELP

re: another woman's perspective

Submitted by jess05 (not verified) on Fri, 02/10/2012 - 8:13am.

Response to Alex: Your situation would be quite different if you were only boyfriend and girlfriend; I might have suggested taking the time away to figure things out. However, once you made the committment of marriage, you have jumped into another realm. No marriage can sustain the feeling of romatic love, as when you first dated; love just changes and gets deeper over time, if you allow it. You two are just learing about each other at this early stage in your marriage. Maybe it's time to visit with a therapist to get some perspective on how you feel. There are also great marriage retreats available, just look on the internet. It is a fallicy to believe that you cannot be married and "find yourself" at the same time, doing nothing however, will result in resentment over time. You have built a relationship with you wife's daughter, and this makes your decision especially important. Good luck to you.

I can't trust my husband.

Submitted by inspired (not verified) on Tue, 02/07/2012 - 1:51pm.

I can't trust my husband. Marriage sucks. My ring is even cheap with fake miniature diamond's. I have begged and fought him to leave especially after I found out he had an affair on me and had a child while I was pregnant. He supported her n the child with money from me bc he wasn't working. He believes he is the best husband and those things were a "mistake". He says I'm not submissive enough like his African women. That I should forgive n forget. I am not removing conditions from his greencard and he will lose his status and then I'm divorcing him.

Alone

Submitted by Kaila (not verified) on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 7:53pm.

My husband works a job that requires him to work sometimes 7 days a week. 10 hours a day. Night shift. I feel so alone. I go to bed before he gets home. So we never fall asleep together. I leave to go to work in the morning so we never spend time together, and by the time i'm home he is gone. Our only communication is on his days off if he gets one, or texting. He never does anything around the house. I get a kiss on the forehead and we don't spend anytime together when he has a day off. We even argue about what to watch since we both like different things. He spends his time on his ipod if i'm watching something. I spend my time on my computer if he is watching something. We have only been married for 6 months. Been together for 6 years. I need help. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to tell him i'm lonely and i miss him. But he ignores me. He's been acting out by doing things he knows i don't like. I don't know if its for attention because we don't spend anytime with each other.We argue all the time about everything. Ugh. Please help me.

You are not Alone...

Submitted by rolling in the deep (not verified) on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 4:51am.

You are not alone, that's why you have your husband. As partners it is expected that both of you have an existing relationship that mutually shares love, time and attention to each other. So where is the love now? well,they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". That's why it is important for both of you to communicate. Not just talk but set a specific time where you two can do things/activities together, go places together just for the two of you without distractions like cellphones and such. Instead of arguing, come up with a compromise. He needs to know that he is important to you and you expect the same from him and therefore he needs to address all your concerns pertaining to your relationship. Go girl, you can do it :}

I don't have any advice for

Submitted by Morgyn (not verified) on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 10:42pm.

I don't have any advice for you, just know that you're not the only one living a life like this. Sometimes I wonder why I even got married.

No satisfaction

Submitted by Kathy (not verified) on Mon, 02/06/2012 - 1:05pm.

Thanks its good to hear from someone else

My husband doesnt satisfy me anymore

Submitted by Kathy (not verified) on Sun, 01/29/2012 - 12:25pm.

Hi,im 38 and ive been married for 19 years.To keep a long story short my husband cant always get it hard anymore.Hes 42 and i feel guilty because i had a 12 year affair with a guy who was great in bed,i really lost interest in sex with my husband during this time but i still did it with him.I care about my husband but i dont really love him,i stay with him because i feel like i half to,i ended the affair after my husband started hearing somethings but he never found out for sure.I met another guy who is just a doll,we share similer interest and id really like to have a relationship with him,we ve went out once but nothing happened.He is really all i think about and cant wait to hear from him,but i feel really bad i dont want to hurt my husband i dont know what to do he couldnt handle the truth or me leaving any opinions would great

one word for you - karma!

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 3:16am.

one word for you - karma! Hope it comes back to bite you on the a..! Your husband deserves to be treated with some respect! If you don't want the marriage anymore then do the right thing by him and tell him! Nobody deserves to be treated that way! If you want to play the field then get a divorce and act like a single woman! People like you make me sick!

You don't need a husband, you need a toy.

Submitted by rolling in the deep (not verified) on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 4:59am.

If you really feel bad for your husband then its time to quit playing games. If you can't quit then you have to act like a mature person don't make him look stupid. You are responsible for your actions. Since you are playing fire then be ready when it burns you. Kathy, you have to tell him the truth and truth shall set you free.

You nasty. Go kick rocks lady

Submitted by Guest trippy (not verified) on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 11:43pm.

You nasty. Go kick rocks lady you don't deserve any kind of love.

That's to that Kathy lady who

Submitted by Guest trippy (not verified) on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 11:47pm.

That's to that Kathy lady who likes to cheat on her hubby. You nasty.

Husbands Problem?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 1:54pm.

You have been having an affair for 12 years and it's your husbands fault you have no love life with him? When was the last time you put the effort into getting your husband hard as you put it? Do you put anywhere near the effort in to pleasing him as you do your lover? My guess is no. A man needs to believe you are interested in him and excited about being with him before he will react to you sexually. If you are putting your energy into another man do you really think you have any chance of making your marriage work? Been there, done that. We need that focus from you women also. You get what you pay for as they say...... do him the favor of commiting in to the marriage or stop using him and get out.

Am I too emotionally damaged to know the difference?

Submitted by Rebecca (not verified) on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 8:49pm.

After reading the article I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one seeking this kind of information. Here is a run down of my story; my husband and I have been together for nearly ten years (married nine of it) recently I've been dealt alot of blows; I lost both of my parents to different forms of cancer only two years apart, the company I worked for went under and I lost my job, my younger son was diagnosed with classic autism, my older son is autistic too if you can believe my luck, plus I've begun to resent my husband. I've spent years trying to analyze what I think our problems are usually with the problems being on my part but I have to consider that maybe it isn't me. I have never felt more alone in my whole life than I do right now and I get no emotional support from him, in fact according to him I should be over my parent's deaths by now, there should be no more crying about it. I don't think I have the emotional strength left to handle a confrontational divorce and I don't think his ego would allow him to be nice about things. What is the right thing to do that doesn't involve hurting and confusing my beautiful little boys? Should I just try to wait out my emotional state to consider what is right?

I feel very similarly - alone

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 8:33am.

I feel very similarly - alone - like completely isolated. It's like you're living in two separate worlds, right? Easy to say "move on - get out of there" but especially when you have kids also that's not so cut and dry. I don't have any answer but I just wanted to add some comfort (if it helps) that you're not alone in those feelings.

Is it all my fault?

Submitted by Way (not verified) on Fri, 01/27/2012 - 5:46am.

Well well well, My husband an I have been married for 1 year an ahalf. He doesn't even know our anniversary......We meet 6 years ago an have a 3 year old girl (i have a 9 year old) he was living with my aunt to get out the hood i fell in love with him because he would listen to me an respond in a positive way. But that all changed when he turned into a alcoholic by day an by night when we meet we would drink but it got so bad that he would steal it. He couldn't hold a job an to this day can't keep one. We would argue all the time. I worked a full time job at the time so it was draining for me to make matters worst I got prego with the 3 year old. She was the joy of my life an things got a lil better till my last month an the heavy drinking came back then he would stay out all night (i dont think it was cheating) but no phone call or anything I would be up worried all night. He was so drunk at the babies birth he just snored the whole time and my birth was natural. So I tried to change our environment so we moved to AZ that only made matters worst we lost everything. We moved in with my aunt bad idea. Moved again lost the place again due to lack of income moved back to CA. By then I was soooo broken. So I cheated. I love him as a person but its just not there any more the lovers love. Was I wrong?

hen-pecked

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 01/20/2012 - 4:38pm.

My wife is a passive-agressive, mentally abusive little asshole, and I only stick around because of the kids. I wish I could leave this inferiority-complex ridden, insecure little piece of crud. It will be like voiding when you have needed the toilet badly for 2 hours.

????

Submitted by Hey (not verified) on Mon, 02/06/2012 - 11:14am.

Did we marry the same person? LOL...I feel the same, once kids are 18, I am friggin outta here.

henprcked

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/25/2012 - 11:01am.

Why would you put your kids through the misery of staying. They will be better off with you divorced if you cant stand your wife that much.

Honesty is the best polesty

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 02/12/2012 - 11:23am.

They stay because child support would hurt too much to pay. And if they did care about their children they would invest in showing them that it is possible to find love when you wait for instead of getting pregnant and marring to save some cash. I'm sure your wife feels the same way it's too bad both of you don't just move on and find better partners to suit your personalities and needs. But I guess cheating is more what they're looking for in their future... Good way to raise the kids nothing better then to screw them up before they have a chance at it themselves. Or is that just women's work raising the kids... How sad it is that the next generation of men will take no responsibility for their actions but the woman will shoulder all of the burden and responsiblity for the children and the marriage failing. You guys are winners, what a prize you must be!

Your signposts for the end of

Submitted by beatrix (not verified) on Tue, 01/17/2012 - 8:23pm.

Your signposts for the end of a marriage are good, insightful ones and sadly, I recognize several of them in my own. But I wish you had been less sexist in the way you presented them. It's not always women who can't get their needs met while their husbands dismiss or stonewall them; the same thing can happen to husbands married to dismissive or rejecting wives. Not all women are natural problem solvers. As frustrated as I am by my husband and my marriage, after 35 years of marriage I must acknowledge that there were times in our long history when he was more willing to change himself and sacrifice in order to solve our problems than I was -- even if it didn't work out in the end. It doesn't help the cause of marriage in general to behave as if one sex has a monopoly on doing things right, while the other is always the malefactor. We all do things wrong sometimes, regardless of which variety of plumbing we happen to possess. Still, thank you for your insights. Stripped of the gender-specific rhetoric, they're helpful.

Please can you just tell me what i am doing?

Submitted by SUE (not verified) on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:18am.

I've been married almost 11 years, we have started on a bad foot. I i got pregnant and my boyfriend now my husband what'ed me to get a abortion wile he and his friend went on vacation. So he cheated wile he were there. and i were crying so i did not do it. he were not very happy about that and said he will marry me. things just got worse he cheated drank to much so we did not have food we lost our house most of our furniteur. and i still stayed! he is a emosional abuiser. so i were depressed. and would do anyting to keep him home, i have 3 kids in 3 years. So today i'm stronger, i work can be well by my self, and i'm on anti depresend i'm still working to feel better about my self! I never had an affair, not even at my lowest point, last year me and my husband had a fight because he treaded me like shit infrond of all my friends on my b-day. so i went out to dance just to get away most of them went with me. i did not go home that night. because he kept calling and yelled ad me ens: so it happed i stayed over at my gay girlfriend's house and i fell for her not that night but after that, so the next day my husband told me he slept with my best friend and he have trout cancer, and please i have to stay with him. he had to go back to te place he were on course for 2 weeks. I were crying so much! And my friend were there for me and we had a love affair, sjoe I never were so happy in my live, we did everyting together. I dont know anymore, i what to leave my husband but he, never listen to what i'm saying! I dont want him to touch me or kiss me, i told him i dont what to be with him, im not happy, i think i even hate him! i'm i a bad person?

CTRL,ALT,DELETE-- What am I doing/am I a bad person?

Submitted by rolling in the deep (not verified) on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 4:17am.

Sometimes we're too close in the situation where we are and we can't see the real things that are happening. It is important to take yourself out of the picture and analyze things clearly. I believe you have to be in CONTROL of your life above all else. And being in control means making the right decisions even if it means quitting a bad relationship. Instead of focusing on all the bad things in your life(bad husband, bad relationship) how about ALTERNATE it by enhancing the positive strengths in you. You said now you are strong and can work by yourself. Love yourself, believe, dream, learn a new skill, develop your talent and take advantage of it. Finally, its time to DELETE your husband. You don’t deserve a man that treats you like garbage. Life is so short for bad coffees and there are lots of fish in the sea. Have fun girl!!!

I don think your a bad

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 8:52pm.

I don think your a bad person. If she is willing to be with you and treat you better then divorce him...

been married for 4 months

Submitted by fadedout (not verified) on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 1:40am.

HELP HELP HELP.... I got married 4 months ago and everything is ok except that wjen I tell my wife how I feel about something and she dosent agree she immediately gets defensive and turns the table on me. She says that I talk to her badly in which is correct at times when I get angry... funny thing is that I really love this woman... she was there form when no one else was and she truly made me feel like I could accomplish more in my life.... I'm 27 and she is 8 years older than me. Yes seems old but she is an amazing woman. I guess the problem is that I'm too sensitive.. I was raised watching many women abused and etc and I made every effort to talk about issues and try and consider her feelings.. she says that I don't. Consider her feelings... I get upset because when I talk to her she always has to be looking at the tv while we are talking or she dosent say anything just "I don't know what to say" or "is there a solution". Idk maybe I'm not acting the way she wants... so I tried being more "typical" not so much conversation... that didn't go well... so I started talking to her again. Well after many insults I one day crossed the line and called her bitch... that didn't go well... I recovered and believe it or not she was nicer to me afterwards... however since then she has called me a bastard multiple times (in reference to me not having a father around) and has called me a bitch 3 more times and a coward and a girl. Rage fills me when this happens but for some reason it turns into my fault. In which some is mine. Recently she made refernece that she raqther de3alwith her x than me. She constantly says she's done and that if marriage is like thlis she dosent want it. Then proceeded to leave I always chase her down in which dosent go well... she told me b4 her x never stopped her when she left so I feel I should then she says I just need space.. I say to her it b different if u just need to cool off but u say u want a divorce u pack up then what am I suppose to do? There is so much more aand I do crap to but I don't know how to make her happy. I always think about her needs but its starting to become to painful inside.. like she says to me b4 she walks out " why was I kidding myself I can do much better than you"... she says if I'm so hurt why do I want to stay with her... I'm starting to think she's right maybe I'm stupid...

insight to fadeout

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 02/06/2012 - 9:38pm.

I understand where you are coming from. I never said anything nasty to my husband until he was nasty to me. My husband lied to my face about watching porn. He told me months before we married that he only needed me. That I was beautiful and sexy. I was so proud of what he was saying that I had sex with all the time (2-3 daily). When we got married I found out and was crushed. He ruined my trust and my self-esteem. I became suicidal and depressed. One night I tried to jump out of the vehicle while he drove. As he pulled me back in by my hair he called me a stupid b*tch. I still resent that. I have called him a bastard and I have left and came back the same night. Recently I discovered he watched it again when I left after he yelled at me and degraded me. Since I discovered the porn the first time he has been increasingly violent. Your wife has some issues stemming deeper than you. Keep trying to make the marriage work if you love her. Try to spend time with her as much as possible. Remember to be a noble man and everything you do will end good. Try to talk to her about her issues. Communication is so important.

Geez

Submitted by Vlatamir (not verified) on Tue, 02/07/2012 - 6:59am.

I understand the porn thing being bad but geez. It must be hard being from this emotionally unstable generation

Just a year and 5 months already I feel trapped

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/09/2012 - 12:26pm.

My husband (39) and I (48) have been married a year and a half and already I feel trapped. When I met him three years ago he was a hard working guy managing to find and keep a job after being incarcerated for almost 15 years. He had been out a year and half before I met him. Well, besides working he had other dreams...some I agree with (several manuscripts that he had written when he was incarcerated that he wanted to try to get published and some good invention ideas), ONE (playing professional poker) I was not so sure about because I really knew nothing about it. We got married in 2010 he made the move to where I live and then that's when the problems set in. He doesn't seem to have the same drive that he had before. He has abandoned all the other good ideas that he had to pursue poker but unfortunately, he has lost and has been losing a whole lot of money so I am the one who has to carry the bills 99% of the time. Every time we argue it is about our financial situation and his selfishness. He can do what he wants with his money but when it comes time for a bill to be paid he'll ask me "Have you paid such and such a bill yet? When I ask "Well, do you have anything to contribute? That's when it comes out that he lost money that he won and all his paycheck as well. When he does win a thousand or two he will pay a bill, put gas in the car but then goes back and loses it all. He always claims that I don't support him in his venture but he doesn't seem to realize that I am supporting the both of us on little money. He always tries to keep tabs on my paydays, when I'm getting money back from school, and tax returns because he wants part of that to go play poker. Plus, he wants me to get loans to give him to play poker. He even asked me to use my motorcycle (which I own outright) as collateral. He wanted me to use my car but I'm still paying on that. He hasn't worked for most of last year claiming that he's not a 9-5 type of guy. He held a job for a couple of months but then quit before Christmas. Before I met him, I used to travel a lot. Now, I can't do any of that. I could travel on my own but then I feel guilty because I do not want to leave him alone and I know he'd try to make me feel guilty because I could have given that money to him. I love him but I'm at my wits end. I never expected marriage to be this hard.

1.5 and trapped

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 02/05/2012 - 8:01pm.

run

Read the book "Behind the

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 8:03pm.

Read the book "Behind the Eight Ball". You are involved in a codependent relationship with someone with a serious gambling addiction. The book will clarify the recent changes you've noticed and the manipulation he is doing. I am sorry this is your plight. No fun for anyone.

same problem here

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 12:59am.

I have been married for about a year and a half too. My husband and i will argue about nonsense and he would after a while for me to calm down he would burst into tears. For some reason i can not explain i dont feel attractive to him. we do not have a social life. I am earning my BA degree online and he sits on his laptop or xbox all day and night and when its time to sleep i says he is wide awake. help i have no clue. He even compared my parents to us, because my parents are separated and he thinks we will end up like them.

Get out, while you still have time....

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 01/15/2012 - 6:37am.

It sounds like you are an independent woman that has done well for yourself. Your now husband sounds like he has a gambling problem and is simply using you financially to support it. From reading your post, all you do is give and not receive. The longer you stay, the more money and time you will lose. He's got lots of issues, and if 15yrs behind bars didn't make him a better person, nothing else will. Good luck...

Totally agree. It (usually)

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 01/22/2012 - 11:43pm.

Totally agree. It (usually) takes a drunk or a drug addict years to ruin their lives to the point that they have nothing. A degenerate gambler can lose everything in just one night! Think about it, and good luck to you.

So lost.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 01/08/2012 - 12:12pm.

I have been married for 17 years. Together for 20. I got pregnant at 28 and we decided to get married. I was so completely in love with him. But, I knew deep down there would be problems. He has had addiction problems his whole life and I have always suspected he had something more like a severe personality disorder which recently was confirmed as bi polar disorder. He refuses to takes the meds for it. He has always had problems with work, and being out of work at times. The drugs have always prevailed but now he is on suboxone therapy but is not going to any type of counseling. He has always been incredibly selfish and lacking as a father and husband. He has been verbally abusive in the most horrible ways. I know he has tremendous emotional problems, as he was molested as a teenager at a Catholic boarding school and he is adopted. Not an excuse, but that's part of his history. He has tremendous anger issues, and over the last 3 years since he got on Facebook, he and an ex have been corresponding and saw each other one weekend which I believe something occured. He and my son had a huge fight the weekend before,and HE made us all leave the house, which we really had to do because he was behaving so crazy. I know he was drinking while we were not there, and I know he and the ex were in contact making plans for their rendevous. I have found several text messages in his phone that have really upset me. He denies everything. If I cant get the truth how can I fix anything?? This woman is married living in another state with two young kids and a great husband. Why in the hell would she want mine?? About 3 years ago my mother was dying and my husband and this woman were corresponding on Facebook. I made a snip comment directed at her and she freaked by calling him over and over while we were at my mother's house. He had the nerve to ask me to send her an email to let her know all was well. Can you believe?? My mother is dying and he wants me to make her feel better. I was so not in my head, i sent her a message and she went on about how Facebook was just nonsense, and also how she wanted to thank me for saving the boy she loved but could not stay with because he had so many problems. So here she is almost 30 years later intruding into my life adding more layers of lies and deceit and he is wiling to coax it all along. I need the strength to end this. I need God to push me and set me on that path. He will never change, and is someone that only looks out for himself, lives for the day, but what he does not understand, is his days are numbered, and I will not be there to pick up the pieces. God help me, I still love him. This is the hardest thing in the world.

I believe you will know when

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 01/15/2012 - 7:39pm.

I believe you will know when you are ready to leave him. Sounds like you are not quite ready yet. Just never feel sorry for yourself or throw yourself a pity party. Be strong!

So Lost

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 4:40am.

Oh my goodness. When I read your post, it was like reading my own story. Same marriage duration, got pregnant at 27 and then married. Husband is adopted, is an addict, 6 digit figure financial debt, emotionally abusive, intimacy issues (he hasn't touched me since 2010)---I have actually discussed that I think he was molested by a Catholic priest, and he also take lots of secretive time during the mid-day and late at night---that I suspect is spent paying for some sort of entertainment (virtual or personal). Similar to when you were dealing with the grief of your mother's illness: I was planning my grandmother's funeral, he was a constant thorn in my side---angry and bitter that I was "taking time away from the family." Even at my grandmother's funeral---it was still all about him. This past summer, I moved my 2 children (15 & 12) out in a quick 4 hour escape. I relocated 1/2 mile away and kept him at bay until I felt safe. I still don't feel 100% safe, but have a functioning relationship based on attending soccer games, dance competitions, etc. In response to me moving out of our home, his family, my family, my friends, and even a few neighbors have all voiced support and encouragement to stick to the plan and create a better and healthy life for my children. As a practicing Catholic, I don't want to divorce him. Ironically, I love him and feel connected to him through our history and children. But, there is no way I could return to our home and survive inside those walls with him. He refuses to go to counseling, remains cordial, but makes no significant efforts to improve our relationship. Every now and then, he loses composure and the eyes flash---instant reminders of the wolf in sheep's clothing. I've learned that LOVE is a decision and witnessed through our actions. I know how I have acted and I'm saddened by the lack of decisions and actions from him on my behalf. The reality is...he doesn't "choose" me, the way I choose him. Does any of this sound familiar? Did you happen to have a parent who had a similar version of your husband's personality?? Do me a favor and google narcissistic personality disorder. I'm thinking your jaw will drop. You're in a very difficult situation. As a woman who has lived in an abusive relationship, I would caution that your thinking might not always be healthy. Now would be a good time to consult trustworthy individuals who are not too emotionally involved. Pastors, counselors, domestic abuse hotlines, etc. Please remember that YOU are the SANE PARENT and your kids can only count on you to redirect their destiny. Do them a favor and make confident decisions to protect, love, and nurture your children while they still are children. It's not too late. Nothing will make your future choices and consequences of those choices any easier, but at least you can know that you're not crazy and you're not alone.

wolf

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 02/06/2012 - 9:48pm.

I see the wolf in my husband too. His eyes flash like your husband's do. I feel that satan is with him in these moments. I am also a Catholic and am afraid that the torture I have been put through may do the same to me.

So Lost

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/09/2012 - 9:31pm.

WOW! I know that's just the tip of the Iceberg after 17 years.Not sure where to begin.I have been married for 15 years and together 21.Some of your issues sound very similar to mine.Too much to speak on now.But I will say this,I have experience the verbal abuse,there has been sex outside of the marriage ,smoking of POT and as a result alot of harsh feelings on my behalf.I want to definitely suggest that you would seek some guidance.I am currently on the fence as to my next move.But I am trying to have a plan.I know He can survive,but i do have concerns on how it will impact my family.I find that I am moving further away form him as the each day ends.Yes I have had these feelings before,but it really gets old.I am now 44 and i think I can still enjoy my life and be happy with him or the person who can put things in perspective.I pray that God orders our steps and guides us to the right decisions.I will take the initiative to Pray for both of us.Father God here we are acknowledging you as the head of or lives.Thanking you for life and family.Lord you know our heart ,you know or burdens and you know the ending of these stories.We ask that you forgive us for any wrong doing that we may have done through these marriages,we ask that you show us oursekves to prevent any reoccurring issues that can be prevented,Father we ask that you touch the Men in our lives who you have joined us with.That you turn these marriages around if it is your will.That you keep us clothed in our right minds and protect us from dangers seen and unseen.We give this all to you Lord.In Jesus Name .Amen

When life gets hard and when

Submitted by Stitches (not verified) on Mon, 01/02/2012 - 10:47am.

When life gets hard and when things don't go the way you envisioned them, quit or throw it out. This article is what is wrong with our society. Did everyone forget the vows that were made when they stood in front of God and everyone when they got married? Sometimes life gets hard and there are reasons you got to where you are in your relationship. Some of those reasons may have to do with the way the parties were raised. If you can't work them out in this marriage, those problems will probably carry forward into the next relationship too, until they are addressed. There is no "moving on" when you have children. You will still be dealing with that person for the rest of your lives. All of the issues stated in the article can be overcome when people take their vows seriously. People can find the love they had for one another again and live the happy life they once had with help and a willingness to keep an open mind. The sad part is that the author never mentioned the only two reasons that are acceptable for leaving a marriage and even those, if addressed, may have a slight chance of being corrected: abuse and addiction. The author also never mentioned leaving only after all attempts at healing the wounds of the marriage have failed. Until we stop this global acceptance of "throwing in the towel", everyone will pay for the collateral damage broken homes cost our society...make no mistake there are huge costs that go with this attitude.

So true

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 02/06/2012 - 9:54pm.

I agree with what you said. I believe that really we all have come here for one main purpose. We feel we have no one we can talk to about this. We are ashamed of what our husband's have done to us, and even feel guilty that it is partially because of us. Many of the women here, including myself, will walk away from the computer feeling relieved. Relief that we are not alone. We will continue to try to make this work. I love my husband and want him to stop the lies and porn. Minus those things he is a great man, but with those things I see every little mistake he makes. I pray he stops.

When God is not accepted by a

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 01/08/2012 - 12:15pm.

When God is not accepted by a spouse, and they live for selfish reasons, God is not in that marriage. You cant save someone that does not want saving.

It's really tough being in a

Submitted by finally going thru with it.. (not verified) on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 9:20am.

It's really tough being in a marriage. Some have it easier then others But I think we know when it's over. It's sad to think your throwing in the towel but what other choice do you have when you already tried seperation, counseling, books, fireproof the movie, religion, and then you slowly feel that your losing yourself. The only one you see that really tried was you. Unable to function at work, and lose touch with family and friends. Those that have children hate that their kids are exposed to this mess. And last but not least, the fact that you are now a sooon to be divorcee. At that point it's just time. you have to get over the fact that fred and wilma are no more.

marriage

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/25/2012 - 6:04am.

I agree I've tried everything , movie. I know God is able m will bring u through but of only one. Person wants it's that not good.

I agree

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/04/2012 - 12:09am.

I couldn't agree more Stitches! You are so very right. I'm very frustrated with my hubby right now and somehow ended up at this website. When I read the above I thought.. hmmmm… lets see this year in Oct. will make 30 years of marriage. Throwing in the towel? Sure we've been down that road before but we ended up working through it. I'm pretty unhappy right now but know if I just hang in there it will get better. I know we both have a lot of work to do but the truth is divorce is the easy way out. Now don't get me wrong I understand if you've tried everything and nothing gets better. Or if there is abuse etc. Just don't give up too easily! fight for your marriage. :)

Keep in mind, though, that

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/02/2012 - 2:39pm.

Keep in mind, though, that you can only change yourself. If your spouse is unwilling to change, despite your years of attempts to work things out, it's just beating your head against a brick wall to continue.

lost and confused

Submitted by tiffany (not verified) on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 4:32pm.

Im 29 and my husband is 49.we been together for 11yrs and married for 6 yrs.i have come to the point to where i cant stand to be around him and i dont know how to cgange this feeling..we have sex probably once a mobth and thats only because i feel sorry for him,he doesnt turn me on at all.my question is,can it be the age difference

Try toidentify what changed in you

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 01/06/2012 - 1:56am.

Hi Tiffany, It's a possibility that it could be an age difference with you two. I'm 39 and my husband is 54 and we've been together for 3 1/2 yrs been married one year. You've invested allot of time in your relationship with your husband. I believe that you should consider counseling to get down to the root of the problem. Begin to ask yourself when the issues started to flair up. I say this because older men tend to have control issues and have the "do as I say" and not as I do attitude. My husband is good for telling me that I need to be obedient, and yet he can say whatever he wants to me without any regards to how I might feel. At the end of the day it's not about how we feel, it's about spiritually filtering out what they are trying to say. Older males testosterone levels decrease as well. Your husband may be more sensitive or may not be in the mood sometimes or just plain lazy in some areas that irritate you in some way. I spoke with my mom late this evening about the concerns in my marriage and she simply said that it's important that we talk to each other instead of talking at each other. You have enough years under your belt to know when you can talk to your husband and really open up to him where you may feel hurt or deprived.I will tell you that it's not healthy to have sex with your husband because you feel sorry for him. Really find out what's going on with him. Believe me he probably loves you with all his heart and I know you do too. However, you have ask what will make you fall in love again. If God is not in the middle of your relationship, the enemy will attack your marriage for real. I'm no exception. If both my husband and I don't take more time out to understand the convenant of marriage, then we both fail. Tiffany, I hope this helps you. Pray about what's going on and let God lead you. Life is too short to just throw your marriage away. I only can go off of what you wrote. God Bless you.

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