Do Some Thinking Before Filing for Divorce

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Mon, 02/09/2009 - 12:42pm

Are you thinking about divorce? The decision to divorce is critical, with consequences that can last a lifetime. It is a step that should be thoroughly thought out before taken.

Below are questions you should ask yourself before making the decision to divorce.

Is there still an emotional connection?

Have your feelings for your husband faded or are you frustrated over marital problems that seem insurmountable? If there are still feelings of love, you should work on the marriage before deciding to divorce. Don't allow feelings of frustration to cause you to make a choice you will later regret. If there is love left, seeking to solve problems with a marriage counselor could put the brakes on a divorce you didn't want in the first place.

Is your desire to divorce based on an emotional reaction or true self-awareness?

A true desire for divorce means letting go of any emotional attachments you have to your husband, the good ones and the bad ones. Making the decision to divorce at a time when you are overwhelmed with emotions won't solve problems. It will generate more problems and compound hurtful feelings and frustrations.

Being able to view your husband as an individual who deserves your respect during the transition of divorce is imperative. If you can't do this, the divorce process will be riddled with anger and conflict. Divorce is not an opportunity to point fingers and blame. It is the opportunity to move on and rebuild your life. The more negative your emotions toward your husband, the harder the process of rebuilding will be.

Is it a divorce you want, or a change in marital dynamics?

Some view divorce as a last resort — the step they need to make to get their husband's attention. They think that if they threaten divorce or follow through with a divorce, their husband will come to his senses and realize what he has lost. Their husband will be magically transformed into the man of their dreams, the marriage can be put back together, and all will live happily ever after.

If you want a change in the dynamics between you and your husband, it isn't divorce you want. Something to think about; once you have divorced, your spouse is free to form emotional attachments to others. If that thought is uncomfortable, think twice before making a decision to divorce.

Can you handle the needs others may have as a result of a divorce?

Divorce can mean a loss of dreams and goals... for you, your husband, and your children. Even if you are positive it is a divorce you want, you need to have a support system in place to help you deal with the stress associated with divorce. You need to be able to face the pain your husband and children will feel and to help them cope.

Do you have what it takes to get through the divorce process?

If you do decide to divorce, you will need a plan, realistic expectations, the ability to be honest with yourself and others, courage, self esteem, and self-respect. Take a moral inventory and arm yourself before beginning the process.

Related Content:

Could Couples Therapy Really Save Us? An honest look at what can (and can't) improve because of marriage counseling

Tell-Tale Signs That It's Time to Divorce, by Cathy Meyer

5 Financial Actions to Take Before You Even Think About Divorce, by Financial Planner, Lili Vasileff

How Much Will Divorce Cost Me?

Click the following for more articles and resource videos on Getting A Divorce

Comments

Should I or Shouldn't I

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 02/07/2012 - 10:35pm.

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We got married at age 22 and have been married for 5 years. We don't have children. Some things have happened during the course of our marriage that make me question whether we should stay together; the main issue being that I am very goal oriented and driven and he is not. He works at a job that he's not passionate about and doesn't express any interest in doing anything about it when I mention it to him. He doesn't have any long term goals. During the purchase of our home, he sat back and didn't have any input. When I mentioned that I was at the point where I wanted to start thinking about kids, he wasn't really for it or against it. There's no passion and very limited intimacy in our relationship maybe because I work a lot and spend a lot of time out of town??? When I'm home, we talk about our day and watch TV together which is pleasant. However, it often feels like I have a roommate and not a husband. Because of his lack of interest, I've stopped asking his opinion on things and inviting him to my work events - he's always said no in the past. I've discussed this with him multiple times and we've gone to counseling in the past but we can't seem to get past this. I think my drive is overwhelming him but I don't want to give up on my goals - he knew them before we got married and, because of that, I don't think it's fair for him to expect me to do so. On the contrary, I think he was attracted to me because of my drive but underestimated how much I would need his help to keep me going. I think my need to reach certain goals in my life is overwhelming for him and maybe even suffocating him but I know that I want a house, a child (or more), and the ability to provide anything to my child. I have noticed that, over the years, his personal hygiene has deteriorated and he doesn't try to dress appropriately for work. This places an added stress on me as people have asked me why I don't make sure he is dressed in clean and pressed clothes - something I resent as I think he should be able to dress himself. I wonder if he were more passionate about his job if this issue would fix itself. However, I've asked him to look for other jobs he finds interesting and he refuses. I've confided in an older friend of mine who has mentioned that she thought I out-grew him years ago and thinks I should get a divorce. He is a nice person and I love him but I don't think I am passionately in love with him. I would miss his presence when at home but I don't often think of him when I'm away. I would be sad to get a divorce and lose a friend. The question is, is that feeling enough to stay married to him? Or, is my marriage so lacking that I should ask for a divorce?

oh my goodness, see the

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 02/11/2012 - 9:18pm.

oh my goodness, see the signs. run... before you start to have kids or get more involved. seriously, all the signs point to you both not being together. its hard, and i am sure you love him, but if you are questioning it now....get out while its just he two of you.

My husband and I have been

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 5:10pm.

My husband and I have been married for 23 yrs. We have 6 beautiful children 2 of which still live at home as they are only 12. My husbands job takes him away from home aboit 3 weeks of every month. I am grateful that he has a job and one that he likes. He is home on the weekends, but when he's here physically he's not emotionally. Our children love him very much but refuse to listen to him. They dont see him as an authority figure. And this makes him angry I love him bu( which I understand... sometimes ) The thing is when hes gone and calls it's all about him, he never asks about us or wants to talk to our children. When I bring them up or talk about my day, all of a sudden he has to go. When he finally walks thru the door he acts like everything is fine. I have tried so many times to talk to him, but he wont hear me. I have tried telling him how I feel then walking away so he can think about what I said, but all that gets me is him pretending I never said anything.He thinks sex fixes everything. And if Im to upset it ticks him off . I am 100% sure he's npt cheating on me. I know this because he works with someone who he hates and that person would tell me just for the pleasure of pissing him off.He sees that Im hurting but doesnt seem to care. Everything has to be all about him all the time. I had to have a surgery and he went out of town instead of taking me there or picking me up. A froend had to do that. When he came home he didnt take care of me instead he made up an excuse to go to him mpthers. He took one of our children with him the other stayed with me she tried to call he father that I was really sick but he never answered the phone.

Confused and not sure what to do...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/11/2012 - 4:45pm.

Before marrying my husband (who is 25-I am 22) I knew him for almost 9 years before we started talking seriously about a relationship. We pretty much did everything all backwards. He was deployed in Afghanistan when we became a couple. We always had a strong connection with eachother before he even joined the military (his sister was one of my best friends in highschool). I had previously also supported him while he was going through his first deployment in Iraq. He had 15 days of R&R he took last October from Afghanistan and came home and everything was great (how could it not be). He didn't get out of Afghanistan until May 2011 and came home for 30 days in June, we got engaged, and married a week later. We had to weigh our options because he was stationed in Germany for 5 more months and then would be moving to Colorado. If I wanted to live with him on-post we had to be married. He left in July and came back for 15 days in August because I was unable to visit in Germnay like planned because of a knee injury. In August while he was home things seemed different already...they also did before when he made it back to Germany. We talked about it and I thought things would get better. He had a tendency to lie...about really stupid things but all the time. He also seemed to be taking me fore granted now and always got extremely upset when I talked to him about things. I was trying to figure out everything I needed to do to move with him and he already seemed checked out. It felt like he wanted the best of both worlds...having someone who cared unconditionally but not having to have responsibilities back. It was getting really bad when one day I flat out told him if he didn't stop lying I would leave him. You would think this would be an eye opener but it wasn't. 4 days after Thanksgiving I told him I couldn't do it anymore and thought maybe we should get a divorce. The strange thing was that unlike any other time I said things to him, this time he was more calm than he ever had been. He came home for 21 days this December and I wanted to talk to him about things which he said he wanted to also. It was disastrous. Every time I saw him he was preoccupied but when I wasnt with him he was very nasty to me over the phone and via text. Over New Years he called and said he needed help (he was beligerently drunk) so a friend and I went to pick him up because we were both sober. His mother and her boyfriend were attacking him (they were both beligerently drunk and are both alcoholics). Her boyfriend trying to choke him and his friend was trying to keep them away from him. Eventually we got him away but he was still rampant. This was 5 days before he was leaving for Colorado. Then all of the sudden he seemed to care and actually give a you know what about our relationship and that it was falling to pieces. He made more attempts to see me but being that he was leaving Friday it was difficult. I dont really know what to do because now he is completely hell-bent on fixing things and himself and making things work. I already filed for divorce and there is now a 90 day period before its final once he signs. It seems like he is making an effort now and actually seems broken up about it. I still dont know what to do though. I gave him every opportunity out there and then right before he leaves he cares. I am not really sure what to do because I didn't file for divorce because I don't love him anymore, I filed because he seemed like he already checked out and by doing it I was doing him a favor because he didnt have the guts to. It definitely felt like that even more when he was home. Now I am not sure if I should beleive that he will change or if things will go right back to the way they were if we work things out. We are now across the country and school is starting in less than a week also. I dont know really how to deal with this. I have my guard up so high now because of how he treated me and now I dont know if things really can change. His toxic relationship with his mother also worries me because no matter how awful and nasty she and her boyfriend are to him-she acts like it never happend (some she may not remember because of being beligerently drunk) and he lets it continue to happen over and over. I need advice!

Divorce

Submitted by Shedrick (not verified) on Sun, 01/15/2012 - 4:56pm.

First pray about it. Secondly you have to go with your heart and do whats best for you in the end. Some people feel like a divorce is never and option to a certain extent thats true on the other hand you have to real with yourself. If im not mistaking you guys dont have any children. So, at least your only making the decision for you and your future..

Hope

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 12/04/2011 - 10:22am.

We have been married for 17 yrs. and have a beautiful 12 yr old daughter. 15 months ago my husband told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I went through a tailspin. I begged and pleaded. It was chaos. Fast forward: he moved our 4 month ago after I discovered an affair. He sme around 3 weeks ago saying he wanted to work things out only to Back off again a week ago. He says he's not ready to give up his freedom just yet. He wants to come and go as he pleases, include dating other people. I said fine lets get a divorce then. Heat he doesn't know if he wants a divorce. He wants to wait and see what he really wants. I said fine. My life will go in too and he got upset. He doesn't want me to sleep around and become something I am not. I don't know what to do. Should I file for divorce. Even after everything that has happened I still want to save my marriage, but it takes two people to do it.

No, you should file for divorce

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 9:47am.

He will always sleep around on you if you let him. This relationship has no hope until he realizes what he has or will loose. But in no way make it easy for him if he tries to come back SERIOUSLY... push him away! This process could take several years. So go on with your life. Steve.

Is it normal?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 10/29/2011 - 5:31am.

I am 25 and got married rather naively. My husband and I have been together for a little under 4 years, and have lived together for most of that time. He is Polish but grew up in Germany and I am South African, and grew up in South Africa. We met via work since we both travel extensively and I still do. He however, has changed fields and is currently studying. Forcing me to be the breadwinner, which is something that has caused a lot of resentment for me, since this was never discussed and rather just assumed. What angers me is no matter how I approach this, we have a massive fight and then he continues within hours as if nothing has happened, we are left once again without a real discussion or a real solution. My husband is also a 'surface guy' as mentioned above. Easy to talk to about many frivolous things but to be honest when I look at it, I have no idea what is going on in his head after 4 years together. I do not know why I never saw it before and can really only put it down to the fact that I spend a lot of time running off to the airport and hopping in a plane, I knew there were problems but nothing worth really worrying about…or so I thought. We got married in July of this year…or rather we eloped…my family being in South Africa and needing visa's etc proved too time consuming and financially impossible. So with my families blessing we got married. Without the knowledge of his however! This I felt was a mistake but it was his choice after all. This was not the only mistake I saw then and there, we ran off and got married within days, no ring, no dress, no fuss no nothing. With a promise of a simple band to follow. None of the material things really mattered, I feel this is a right of passage for every girl. Not necessarily a massive lavish ceremony, but a small symbol of your commitment, love and marriage to one another. There is no ring to date and I am sour about it, fuming actually, not because I do not have a diamond, this is not necessary, but because it feels as though he cannot even be bothered to put a ring on my finger which is the only thing I needed throughout this. However… When we broke the news they were ecstatic, on the surface. His mother is considering divorce to her third husband and has been until now less than enthusiastic about it. This is not a feeling in case you are thinking that, I did actually muster up the courage to ask, to try and fix it. Her attitude has very recently changed but I find myself completely withdrawn from her now. I cannot rectify this within myself. Her reason for being upset is that of course she was not included and what would the family think when she told them there is no wedding…they are traditional Catholic Polish. At a recent family wedding on his side I was asked countless times where my ring was ( I found myself lying and saying it was being resized), where are the pictures, there is not even one and why did we not have a celebration. Because this feels like hell and not a reason to celebrate is what I wanted to scream! Along with this came the realisation that I have to give my life in South Africa up. Since I spend most of my time in Europe, this had already started happening naturally. But I guess this is what denial is called. You assume you will go back one day. In my case it is now obvious I will not. Life in Germany is not easy, the people are not as warm and open and social as South Africans and the language barrier is also another factor. I have started taking courses however, so this should be fixed relatively soon. Since I travel I do not have time to build, nurture and maintain new friendships. And with an often unpredictable schedule I find myself cancelling plans often. So as you can see, not good friend material at the moment. The rate at which our relationship has deteriorated is shocking. I find myself bickering and fighting daily. He has become too lazy to put his coffee cup in the dishwasher, we have no social life and spend our time on the couch but not even connecting, we are both on two different laptops working or studying or however. I have no want for sex and find myself sitting and crying without words to describe what is causing this. We were great only 6 months ago. Happy, busy, working towards our dreams, still insanely attractive to one another. Sex was great, intimacy was great, loud laughter was a normal in our house…we were the couple everyone complimented, we were fun and we had fun together. We were so happy! So I assume it is pretty clear I got married without thinking, or rather ignored my thoughts, since as the marriage official asked us if we understood the seriousness of our vows, my thought was 'maybe this is a too quick!' But I refuse to walk away after less than 6 months of marriage. The feelings within me become worse and worse almost daily towards him and the pretence that we are fine even within our own 4 walls is driving me to cracking point. My mom is a single mother for the best part of 24 years and I honestly have no idea how to look at this. And no idea how to tackle this. I have nothing to compare this to.

Hello, it sounds that you

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 12/29/2011 - 2:41pm.

Hello, it sounds that you both need to come together for a "game plan", outline the goals for the next yr, the next 5 yrs. If he needs your support for "x" amount of time, that sounds reasonable if you both agree. A degree may take more time to achieve then 1 yr depending on prior schooling. Important to re-evaluate periodically to see if you and he are still in agreement. BOth need to demonstrate interest in the marriage, which is why i am proposing "a game plan" be developed, so neither feels cheated. Perhaps you can put forth something you want after his schooling. Distance/travel is very difficult. Wonder if moving back to S. Africa & for him to attend school locally there and you to work locally, spend free time together to nourish your new marriage, may be an option?? Certainly would incur an expense, moving, but in the long run of saving your marriage, this may be best bet? My spouse and i married in our mid/late 30's w/bands only, with a marriage officiate and 2 witnesses (my mom, his sister). I hadn't cared about the incidentals of things, i wanted to be his, and him to be mine. What i found is that Marriage is HARD work, and definitely has its ups and downs. He lied to me about some things, and for several yrs has been a student, and just recently resumed full time employment (i have been the "bread winner"); he still hasn't finished his degree. I have found him to sometimes be emotionally immature, but am seeing i can be too. We are working through some difficult issues. Finally got the diamond, 4 yrs later, b/c of money he legitimately came into although hadn't saved and scrimped himself (which would have proven sacrifice to me, a value in marriage i think is essential to employ at times). However, he saw to it that we went together to purchase, and he insisted on bigger then what i was satisfied with. It doesn't sound that you have a personal relationship w/the Lord(Jesus), and that puts things into a new perspective, to know that someone loves you more then any spouse EVER could. Spouses are to be helpmates, but not the be-all-end-all. Pick up the Bible and start reading the New Testament, read the Book of John. Pray about this, that the Lord will reveal himself to you. This may sound corny, all this spiritual reference, but something greater then ourselves is out there, there is evidence all around us about intelligent design, and it is our CHOICE to seek out the the truth. It says "Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you" (Matthew 7:7). Search Him out the one who loves us most of all. Blessings to you, Kim

This happens....

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Tue, 11/01/2011 - 4:01pm.

It's normal for couples like yourself to end up in this place. Many fall in love with the idea of marriage, not to say you did, but many do. It's a wake up call when marriage isn't what they expect it to be. Feelings change with time, and eventually you grow apart. It happens to almost everyone. Better get used to it. steve

Cheating Husband

Submitted by guest (not verified) on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 8:44am.

I am about to celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary. Right after we were married my husband started getting phone calls from this girl. Not all the time just every now and then. He always blammed it as she was calling for this guy who worked for us. Now fast forward 4 years and I find out he was really seeing her. He told me they only had sex once and before that they were just friends. I looked her up on facebook and she has a child that looks just like my two kids. I kept questioning the paternity but everyone has denied it. My husband went out with some friends the other night (or so I thought) it came out later he went and met her because now he wonders if its his kid. They have both agreed to do a paternity test. Somehow trying to forgive a affair was a lot easier then being hit with the reality that he might have another child . Im pretty sure I dont have any other option but divorce. He keeps telling me she ment nothing, but 4 years hes kept in contact with her I find that hard to belive!

outsiders view?

Submitted by GuestPrincess (not verified) on Thu, 09/01/2011 - 10:38pm.

HI. I have been married for almost 9 yrs, we've been together most of our adult lives, we dont have children but i have been a housewife since we moved cross country and bought a home 8 yrs ago. I thought we had the perfect marraige after my husband stopped drinking 5 yrs ago and the fighting stopped(both physical and verbal) we literally didnt even argue/fight for the last 5 yrs. Recently we stopped smoking(both of us after 20+ yrs of it) and we quit usuing chantix which could bring hostility and mood swings. About 1 1/2 mo into it we had a HUGE ugly fight- he said horrible things, even mentioned going to drink- all over 'nothing'~seriously...it was horrible, i thought i have no choice but to leave him, he said the same.....then of course he apologized begged for forgiveness, said he went crazy and mustve been the chantix. I moved on...less then a month later it happened again, same occurance- 'nothing serious' but so much hatred towards me- i thought to myself i HAVE to leave him..he apologized , said he went crazy, blah blah blah.well, its a month later- and its happened again.in my mind Im thinking wow-really?, strike 3-your OUT!, but reality is...IM 37 yrs old, i havent worked in 8 yrs, and the skills i had almost a decade ago are obsolete now. I would be entereing into min. wage jobs, or close to it, i couldnt go anywhere, let alone support myself. NOw what do i do? IM sure he will apologize again tomorrow...or maybe even later tonight- but i cant help but think i am prolonging the inevitable :( i really thought we had a great marraige up until a little while ago, we both use to say how strong it is and how we see alot of our friends around us fight, ect.. and we dont have that. We havent tried counseling yet, as a married couple (we went yrs prior to getting married - that didnt work out to good)he's very closed minded and stubborn. I could keep writting all the things that are sure signs that we probably shouldnt be together but im not sure if theres enough space here, or if im just being a baby about it? He is a GREAT provider, he just really sucks at communicating- tonite he actually told me' maybe its time i go get a job so i could Then hold the right to 'bitch' around here'............................Really?

I found out my husband had

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 08/28/2011 - 7:08pm.

I found out my husband had been having a relationship with a women by talking on the phone and text and videos etc. He had been doing this the whole time we where dating and married. One night he forgot his phone when he went to work and she sent him a video and i saw it. I was eight months pregnant with our son. I confronted him and he said he would stop and we changed his number i forgave him thought things where good and three months after my son was born I found out from his friend he was still in contact with her via my space and Facebook. I asked him and he lied to my face. He finally came to me and told me he had ended it once and for all. I wanted to believe him because i love him and my son. I have tried to trust him then in July we were out hunting and my son went to sleep so i went back to the truck and he had a message I thought it was his mom so i looked and it was her. I asked why he did it he said he didn't know. I feel like its all my fault and i should have seen it.

Lived with regret for 20 years

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 08/28/2011 - 9:33am.

I have been married for over 20 years to a man that I have never "connected" to or been attracted to. He is a kind person, the type that everybody "knows"' but no one really knows one thing about him...he stays on the surface and talks about business and sports, makes stupid jokes, etc. I took some time off and thus had time to think. I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. I have always held traditional, Christian values and have stayed married for all the wrong reasons. Is my happiness a good reason for divorce? We have school age children, and I don't want to wait until they are in college. I have lived with regret since I walked down the aisle. I have been angry about it for too long.

no connection or attraction

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 11/13/2011 - 8:54am.

Just found this website and read ur post. I am in the same boat but have felt guilty about actually saying exactly what u said in ur post out loud. I have one in college and the other one graduating high school in may. Everyday I wake up thinking that I need to do something before I waste anymore time. But, I am also a Christian who has grown up with the desire to have a traditional family lifestyle, if nothing more than just for the sake of my children and future grandchildren. I am 51 and hate that this nonconnected feeling and shudder with every thought of sex is as good ad it will ever get for me. Essentially my life is over and I still have alot of life to live. My story started on my honeymoon night when I realized "what I had just done" while on the way to the hotell. I would love to talk to u more. Nice to know Im not the only one out there! :)

I am going thru the same...I

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 1:02pm.

I am going thru the same...I felt so isolated and alone until I saw your post. I too have school age children and want so badly to wait until they go to college to get divorced, but I don't think I can make it. I have been angry most of our entire marriage (19 years)...would love to correspond with you if your up to it.

@ Regret and going thru the same ---

Submitted by Jen (not verified) on Tue, 10/25/2011 - 4:35pm.

I'm with the both of u. I've been with my husband for 19 years (married for 14) have one child going to college in 2012 and an 11 yr old. It's been 7 months since I found out about his 16 yr infidelity and I was so confused about what to do, it's SLOWLY becoming clearer and clearer that I need to go NOW. I'm 38, not getting any younger. I still have a lot to give to the RIGHT person and I truly truly truly feel I will be a better person on my own; happier, healthier, more satisfied with myself, BRAVE, plus what kind of roll-model am I being for my kids. I never what them to think they have to be with a bad spouse just because Mom stuck it out. Best of luck ladies. We are stronger apart from those who want to make us weak.

Congrats!

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Wed, 11/02/2011 - 8:43am.

You are one of the first women on here that has accepted the reality which is marriage and are willing to move on with your life. This is far more common than I think most women believe it is, and I congratulate you on making the transition. There's a better life out there for you. Good luck! Steve

You must get out

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Sun, 08/28/2011 - 7:00pm.

why did you marry him, and better yet, why did you have children with him? You must leave for your own sanity. Steve

Is it time to go?

Submitted by Naomi (not verified) on Sat, 08/20/2011 - 1:13pm.

Hi...I am looking for advice. My husband and I were married three years ago. We have a daughter who is about to turn three. About a year ago I seriously started to feel suffocated by our marriage. We are just very different people with very different goals and dreams. I feel guilty about leaving since he moved to Michigan for me and now...I just don't want to be married to him anymore. We rarely have sex since I just don't like the thought of it and he has told me how frustrating that is for him. Whenever he asks for sex now it just makes me angry. Should I put my own happiness first? He doesn't hit me, drink or do drugs but I just really don't want to be married to him any longer. I am just angry all the time and feel like I married a five-year old. Please help me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

what more do you need to

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Sat, 08/20/2011 - 8:43pm.

what more do you need to know? you just told us how unhappy you are, so why are you staying? It won't magically get better. If the feelings are gone, rekindling them will be next to impossible. My suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him face to face. Just tell him you are struggling with your relationship and are feeling frustrated and angry all the time. He will probably understand, and at that time you can decide to part ways. Don't allow life to pass you by, if you're unhappy, don't be afraid, just change it! Steve

Divorce or not??

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 08/18/2011 - 11:10am.

Been married for one year (8 years total both 28) and I am thinking about divorce. Were a normal couple (no financial issues, addictions) however I started having these feelings about a month ago. We got into a fight after her grandma's memorial ( she died on 7-4-11 was cremated 3 weeks later, was at the hospital 6-8 hours a day for 4 days) After the memorial (stayed the entire time, she treated me like crap while there) I left and went on an annual family trip to go camping much to her dislike for one night. She told me she resents me for leaving and resents me for waiting to marry her (was in school for a while and not ready to commit) Ever since then I have had the feelings. I went out to the bar with my sister for the first time (19 in Canada, main reason I wanted to go, not to get wasted) and some other family. We got back later on and sat by the camp fire with other family members. The entire time I was enjoying my time and not thinking about my wife. I was thinking about my relationship. Some of the things I thought about were the same issues (my father) voiced his concerned about (over that weekend). There are other things (he doesn’t know about) I was thinking of. She is a daddy’s girl meaning they talk 4-5 times a day (call to say good night), she will tell him what’s wrong then later not want to tell me about things. Won’t listen to me but will to him (his advice). Thinks I can do nothing right (only she can). When it come up she takes shots at my parents parenting skill (and family) (although not the best, says comments) while her parents (especially her dad) does no wrong. She thinks cause I am from a small town we are all stupid (told me to go get my little “town” lawyer during an argument). I am torn I thought deep down we would never be married for the rest of our lives also different religons). Now she wants a child and the only way is to get treatment (iui, ifv) now I think I don’t want one with her or spend the money. I am now going back and forth weather to stay or divorce. Any advice? COUNSILING WILL NOT WORK she was a therapist and says she knows the methods they use.

For the simple fact that you're here

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Thu, 08/18/2011 - 5:53pm.

Are you looking for confirmation to end your marriage. You and I both know it's already over, you just have to deal with it, and the sooner the better. Asking the question just means you've already made up you mind. Your heart is not in this relationship just by the simple fact that you don't want to have kids with her. It's over dude, tell her, and find the cleanest break for both of you. You need to get on with your life, and so does she. So do so. Good luck!

so hard to decide

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 12:59pm.

My husband and I will celebrate our 5 year anniversary next week but I don't think we will make it much longer than that. I recently had dinner with an old boyfriend from high school. My husband knew I was going and I went only to catch up with an old friend but something happened. He was amazing and fun and we had the same spark we had back in high school. I have no plans of cheating on my husband and I'm not even sure I will talk to this guy again but what that dinner did was remind me what it is like to be happy and feel special. Our marriage has been dull and unhappy for a few years but I told myself it was just because we were so busy with building our family and buying and fixing up houses. Now that I think more clearly though, I feel like my husband hasn't cared much about me for several years now. I used to try to work on things, tell him how I feel and what I need but it never helped things, never made anything change, and never even made my husband pretend to care or try for even a day. I think I am past the point of trying to fix things. Now though I am left with figuring out what to do next. We have 2 biological kids, 3 and 5 year old boys, a 16 year old girl we adopted through foster care, and a 9 year old boy through foster care. I have also been a stay at home mom for almost 5 years with no real income other than foster care and no retirment savings. This is really the only things holding me back at this point! I need to truely realize that me being happy is important and I need someone who is putting in as much effort as I used to and would in another relationship.

This always happens... your

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Tue, 08/16/2011 - 10:02am.

This always happens... your relationship becomes dull and boring. That initial spark wears off, and you see each other more as roommates than anything else. Then one day you go out for a drink with a friend and old feelings raise your blood pressure and immediately you look down on your marriage. I get it. Been there myself. Before you jump ship though, remember the feelings you currently feel for your husband, you will soon feel for this new person. It's a cycle, one that you can't control. If you are not happy in your current relationship before you met this guy, then my suggestion would be to end it and move on with your life. No one should go through life that way. Success in life isn't built on money, it's foundation is happiness. Being and staying happy throughout your life should be your only goal, so make that your priority. Good luck!

In June of 2010 I found out

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 08/08/2011 - 11:00am.

In June of 2010 I found out that my husband was having an affair. He was coming home late every night and I found an extra cell phone that he had purchased. I decided to stay in the marriage. I was hoping that the affair was over. I went through severe depression and had to take Ambien to sleep. In December of the same year, his girlfriend came to our home at 4:00am in the morning looking for him. She was very agressive and the police had to be called. I will also let you know that my husband is a police officer. I tried so hard to make my marriage work, but decided to move out in March of 2011. Soon after I moved out my husband tried to reconcile with me, although still having a relationship with his girlfriend. It is now August and he and I barely speak anymore. For some reason, I am afraid to file for divorce. I did file in February but he refused to sign the papers and he then initiated the 2nd divorce attempt but didnt follow thru as well. I just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. We have no children.

You are doing the right thing

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Mon, 08/08/2011 - 3:31pm.

Please do yourself a favour and make this divorce final. Close this chapter of your life and start a new one, don't dwindle on the past. I know you probably still have feelings for him, but he will never change. He's probably even cheating on this other girl, so don't allow this loser to take up any more of your time.

Thank you. I made an

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 08/11/2011 - 8:45am.

Thank you. I made an appointment with the divorce lawyer today.

That is terrific news. I

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Thu, 08/11/2011 - 3:42pm.

That is terrific news. I wish you all the best, and only happiness in your future!

I have been married for 18

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 5:54am.

I have been married for 18 years, but just do not feel the same towards my husband any longer. The spark has gone. We have two children and I worry that they are or will suffer if I do decide to divorce. How on earth does one know when its time to throw in the towel? My husband is just not the man I married, as I am sure that I am not the girl he married, we all change. We have no communication and when we do talk he constantly puts me down, and nothing I do is ever good enough. I also feel that I do not want to put the effort in any longer..... help.

It seems the only reason you

Submitted by Steve (not verified) on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 1:34pm.

It seems the only reason you stayed as long as you did was for your children. Now that they are grown up, you realize you no longer have anything in common with your husband. I see this all the time with my friends. They devote all their attention to their children and always put their marriage second (just check facebook profiles). One day they to will realize that when the kids are old enough to move out, what will they have left? I get it, children are a huge responsibility and the most important part of your life, but so is your marriage. If you can't keep it alive while your children grow up, just get out, regardless of what age your children are. Don't wait till the end to make that decision.

2years

Submitted by Tasha (not verified) on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 3:50pm.

We had our daughter and three months after she was here he changed. He started checking out other females in front of me, not doing anything with me, he let some other female take his wedding band, and it just goes on and on. He has even told me i needed to go to the gym and walk more often. Im beginning to wonder if i still love him. I dropped everything for him. I got out of the miltary to be with him. He wont go to counseling and he says that he loves me but hes not in love with me. When i tried to leave him he apologized and said he would go to counseling and everything else. He still hasnt went to counseling and he didnt change for very long. Is it normal for a 21 yr old male to want to things only with his male friends and not his family? How do you know when its the end?

He's 21. Which means he has

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:58pm.

He's 21. Which means he has the mentality of a 19 yr old. him checking out girls should b the first thing that's too much, that's disrespectful. From what you say he doesn't want to settle down. Settling down doesn't mean go out wit your friends all day everyday; if he wants to make it work he will go to counseling, if he doesn't, let him go.!!!! U don't want to spend your time wasted.

you guys are way too young to

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 07/12/2011 - 1:57pm.

you guys are way too young to have a family or a relationship for that matter. He has not yet settled down, and I don't blame him. Time you or he packed his bags and moved on to greener pastures. Counseling won't fix this. Move on. Steve

I think it is over

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 12:32pm.

I have nothing in common with my husband of 25 years. For the past 5 years, he has had employment problems (laid off / fired etc) and as a result, we are deep in debt. He will not deal with the finances - always says I'm bring him "down" and he doesn't want to talk about it then. I ask him to pick a time to talk about them - he hesitantly does - but when that time comes - he says that he's too tired - too busy - something... leaving me the stress of looking at our bank accounts and bills on a daily basis. He has no idea of our finances and doesn't want any part of it. I work, do the housework, laundry, hand ALL the finances. He loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen everynight. If it weren't for our 3 kids - I would have left a few years ago. Now, I'm counting the days till my youngest heads to college. HELP - do I wait - do I divorce now - although I don't think we have the money to do it now...

It sounds like my

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 8:48pm.

It sounds like my relationship and I share your frustration. I think my husband is very comfortable staying home watching TV while I manage the house and the kids. He thinks that by cleaning and mowing the grass he is doing his part... the true it that I am expecting more from him and I want us to save for our future - which it does not exist for him. I am trying to decide if I should leave or how to kick him out without too much drama - I am tired and need a break to think things clearly. People have advised me t talk to him, but I have and he is not doing anything about it... I think it is time, for me.

now you know what it is like

Submitted by Guest on Tue, 07/12/2011 - 1:54pm.

now you know what it is like to be a man. sucks eh?

Divorce inevitable

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 5:02pm.

I have strong feelings for my husband, I love him and we have fun together still. But he drinks and does drugs and I cannot continue to have him be remorseful when he's hung over, pledge to stop, take actions to make things good, and then be fun and sweet and all the things I fell in love with and still love about him. Only for him to start all over. Nit picking around the house about little things, finding reasons to start an argument or create tension, start in on the name calling, then start going to his buddies houses every single night, the after doing that for a week, go to the bar, buy drugs and stay out and not answer his phone and not come home. The next day he accuses me of ruining his life when I want a divorce and that I only wanted him for his money 'just like everyone said'. What money? It's a cycle and I have to stop sitting on this merry go round. I have to get off to protect myself and the daughter I am about to give birth to in 6 weeks.

I agree that it sounds like

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 10:25am.

I agree that it sounds like you need to get out to protect yourself and your daughter. Anyone abusing drugs or alcohol isn't capable of loving another person in a healthy way. Unfortunately, they are also incapable of choosing you over the substance. Substance abuse is also only the tip of the ice-berg and someone with an addiction problem will need to conquer not only that issue but the issues causing the addiciton problem before being ready to be a part of any normal relationship. It sounds like you may be putting yourself in a dangerous situation exposing yourself and your daughter to his lifestyle too. I hope that you are able to get away from this person and build a healthy and beautiful life.

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