7 Steps to Combat Parental Alienation

part 2 of 2

Posted to Resource Articles by Amy J. L. Baker on Wed, 06/24/2009 - 7:07pm

Parental alienation can feel like a hopeless situation. When you find yourself cut off from your child because of your ex's manipluation, you can't help but wonder: "Will I ever reunite with my 'lost' child?"

Don't despair. You can regain a loving relationship with your child. In this second installment of my exclusive firstwivesword series on parental alienation, you'll get tools to navigate this challenging process.

Your patience and understanding will help your child see what is going on — eventually. In the meantime, you have to be strong and persistent. That doesn't mean simply waiting for that magical "a-ha" moment. Instead, take these important steps:

1. Don't take the bait. Your child may often come to you filled with accusations and anger. If you try to debate every petty flare up, you will only fuel the contentious flames. Avoid small battles and focus on building memorable moments together. If your child levels serious charges that you can counter — proof, for example, that you didn't steal the college fund — offer to show him documentation, but ONLY if you are asked.

2. Hold yourself to the highest standard of conduct. Manage your anger. Pay your bills. And follow the law. Don't give your ex anything that can be used against you by either your kids or the courts. Imagine that you are being videotaped and behave accordingly. Sure, it's unfair that your ex gets to bend — even break — the rules and still receive your child's glowing praises. But you need to focus on your ultimate goal: A loving and healthy relationship with your child.

3. Don't blame your kid. S/he is a victim too. Children who become detached from a parent because of parental alienation are affected into adulthood. It might feel convenient, for the moment, to channel your rage and frustration at your child. After all, s/he is contributing to your unhappiness. But remind yourself that your ex is really the one to blame. Your child is caught in the middle of a terrible struggle and doesn't really mean the terrible things s/he is saying about you or doing to you.

4. Show that you're different from your ex's portrayal. Is your ex implying that you are unsafe, unavailable, and unloving? Contradict him by your actions and be safe, loving, and available. This is a perfect example of the old maxim, "Actions speak louder than words."

5. Stick to your schedule. Carry out the plans you've made with your child, even if you think s/he will not be made available. The one time you are late or don't show up will be when your kids are waiting or your ex can have "proof" of your apparent lack of interest in the children.

6. Assemble a team. Legal and mental health professionals who understand your situation need to be at the ready. Be sure they are well versed in parental alienation and can advocate for the best interests of you and your child.

7. Say "I love you." As often as possible, let your children know you care about them. They need to hear you say that you want them in your life. And they need constant assurances that your love is unconditional. Text, e-mail, IM, or leave voice messages on a regular basis. It may help to think of your children as lost in a forest of alienation. Your little messages of love are the trail of bread crumbs leading them back to you. They need to know that you will love and forgive them — no matter what.

Check out Part One of the series: 5 signs Your Ex is Turning Your Child Against You

Click the following for more articles and videos on Kids, Family, And Divorce

Comments

19 Yr old Daughter suddenly hates me!

Submitted by Dad on the Sidelines with Love (not verified) on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 4:46pm.

My ex wife and I have been divorced for over 15 years. We have 2 children together and they lived with her most of the years. She tried and tried to alienate my children from me and for years, it didn't really stick. The kids would come visit and have "concerns" but then the loving household would win them over. When questioned about why mom did things a certain way, I would just tell them that she and I just did things differently and that she wasn't trying to be mean. All the while, I knew she was working hard to alienate. She had groups from her church surround my children to tell them how bad their dad was and tried telling them details about arguments she and I had while we were married. This did confuse them quite a bit but they didn't really bite. However, the damage became much deeper for my daughter. She and I were extremely close when my ex left the state with her and divorced me. She stuffed her anger and learned to manipulate her mother and myself in very unhealthy ways. Regardless, I continued to consistently express my love for her. She has been difficult from that time though with most people....kind of hardened and unable to express genuine love to her mother or me. When she was 16, she came to live with me and did so through the rest of High School. During that time, she told me many stories about mean things her mother had done to her. I insisted that regardless, she needed to maintain that relationship as it would be important for her in future years. She went through a period of not speaking to her mother at all during her first year of college. During her second year of college, she started talking to her mother more...much of which came after my insistence that she must not alienate her mother. When she got close to her mother again, she suddenly announced that she basically hated me, wanted nothing to do with me and that she was dropping out of college (she was failing) and moving back with her mother. That was 4 months ago and she has only spoken a few very brief words to me since and only then because she had to due to something she needed from me. At the same time, she announced she is pregnant and the father is a complete loser. All these things were things I had warned her against, strongly. I believe her mother has used all of my good intentions against me and the two of them are now manipulating each other to get what they perceive they need from each other. My daughter needs a place to live with little or no responsibilities and my ex-wife needs to have her daughter back in her life at any cost. Personally, I have been devastated by this sudden hateful attitude from my daughter and disappointed by her failure in college and pregnancy and a host of other things that all parents try to protect their children from. But in the end, there is nothing I can do. The pain is not nearly so bad now. I continue to express my love for her when I have a chance. Either she will come around or she won't. Regardless of my ex wife's efforts to divide, my daughter is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her own actions. I cannot control how she interprets my ex-wife's misinformation or anything. All I can do is love. I'd like to tell both of them how I really feel, but that would not solve anything. My daughter has to come to grips with her own hateful actions and find her own way through those emotions. I hate to know my daughter is in such a mess with her life, but stepping in to pander to her would only serve to continue the dysfunction. So, regardless of my desire to jump into the drama, I am lovingly sitting on the sidelines.

This has to stop

Submitted by Susan (not verified) on Fri, 02/03/2012 - 12:37pm.

My x is a living nightmare!! What he tells my son it's all your mom's fault I never wanted a diviorce, but he had a girlfriend. My son has to tell his dad whats goes on in my house, does mom have a boyfriend? ect.. My son records me for his dad and his dad and new step-mom records me. I had welfare called on me for spanking my son w a belt NEVER happened. Had to go to court for that!! And when I won I had his gf and him texting me to the point I had to change my number the courts made me give it to him and they told the gf not to text me, she kept it up. So I called the police and had a report made on her!! This time I changed my number and I didn't give it to them. My son is 12 he lies, steels and I try to tell his dad and I end up in court. My son tells me nothing about his dad's visit I ask him did u have fun, what did u have for dinner? And he turns ugly w me. He yells,fights with me and his brothers.

My ex is doing anything possible to put my kids against me!

Submitted by Stephanie H (not verified) on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 3:34pm.

I need help. I have my 3 year old boy and my 2 year old daughter. My ex recently took me to court and won over night weekend stays with my kids. But here is my major problem, when the time comes for my ex to pick them up he tries anything to get me upset. He has called the cops twice making things up to get me writen up. I dont know what to do. My kids come home mad, aggrivated, sensitve. i asked them whats wrong, and they say nothing. My lil boy is mainly the one who has started to act up with me. He yells at me, when i tell him "no" he runs under the kitchen table, or under a chair, or just tries to hide to cry. He tells me i dont love him anymore. I dont know whats wrong with him. I want to help my son, i want us to have the same bond we used to have. After some time passes by he then starts warming up to me. But i dont like to see him like that. I need help, can someone give me some advice? Thank u.

Im so sorry you have to go

Submitted by Tonya (not verified) on Tue, 01/17/2012 - 10:36am.

Im so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I had advice but I'm experiencing the same thing with my two year old son. I have shared custody, my lawyer was not a good one. My son has started coming home, hiding under tables and while he hasn't said I don't love him, he has started saying to me "don't leave me. Don't go away mommy." All I know is to always tell them you love them and will be there for them. Document document document. I wish I had better advice but wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. Best of luck.

SO GET THIS

Submitted by CM (not verified) on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 10:20am.

Good news...I was in counselling with my daughter and my ex-husband was in the room with us because my daughter wouldn't speak without him being present. I felt like this was a violation in some way because we are currently embroiled in a custody battle with him trying to relocate to another state very far away. He is not without employment, but was coaxed into believing the grass was greener elsewhere. He has no family there, no roots, just the promise of a better life and he and his wife convinced me that my daughter would be better off. Back to the matter at hand...we are in couselling and I was feeling as though the counselor was in agreement with my parental alienating ex-spouse and the 12-year-old formerly known as my precious angel...now alienating hateful tweenager. What was revealed in the next session was that this counselor was working her way around to figuring out if my daughter was driving this train on her own, or if her co-pilot, co-conspirator, co-manipulator and alienator was my ex-husband. I am so relieved because I thought I was being made out to be the bad guy, but instead this professional person was looking for true colors of the opposing force. I do not have a poker face, I am not someone who can lie and trick and manipulate...I thought that I would be in an impossible position because of that, and now instead I see THE TRUTH SHALL SET ME FREE. Either way, no matter what the outcome...I am doing the right thing to try to show my child that I love her unconditionally. That is the biggest lesson for me now...unconditional/unfailing/unbreakable love. I am thankful that I have a higher power watching over me...I am trying to set my sights on the big picture, and trying to look past the ridiculous attempts to make me look bad. This whole situation is forcing me to stop being a victim, stop feeling sorry for myself and admit who i really am in this situation...a good person, a loving person, a level-headed person (for the most part), someone who cares, and someone who is willing to take the road less travelled even though it looks rocky and treacherous. I can do this and I don't have to do it alone. Thanks for that!!!

CANT BEAR NOT SEEING MY KIDS- FATHER ALIENATED THEM

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 11/05/2011 - 10:07am.

I read all the posts here and I can say one "good" thing, Thank God I am not the only one going through this. I don't know what to do, I feel the court system and the children's law guardian has failed me and that the system is very biased. I was married for 14 years and have 2 kids, 9 and 13 yrs. old. 8 yrs into marriage my husband started sleeping on the couch every night, our sex life was nill. He would tell me to go find someone else, go get a boyfriend, he started to not work as much as I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs. We started to get in debt and I had to make choices such as shutting the tv off to pay another bill and he would tell our children" Mommy is a failure" The kids knew every bill in the house as he would tell them everything. I had a great relationship with my youngest but my oldest was a little feudal (teenage girl) we did fight. She favored her father. This went on for years and things got worse. Finally it came to a point, where he wouldn't talk about the relationship, wouldn't go for counseling. So I left. My biggest mistake was leaving without the kids is what I am finding out now. My kids were not in jeopardy (at least so I thought at the time), I couldn't disrupt their school/home life in such a time of uncertainty. I was seeing both my children as agreed by their father and myself a fewe nights a week and a day or o on a weekend. My kids were happy, they came willingly, all of a sudden I received a child support petition and a custody peitition in the mail. My husband wanted child support and full custody. All of a sudden my kids stopped wanting to see me. We went to court and I wound up with supervised visitation!!?? What the hell is that? I have never abused or neglected my children He looked like roses and I looked like a criminal all because, from what I was told, I left the house without hte kids and since my kids were old enough and he brainwashed them so much that they were able to make the decision to not see me. My life has been hell since then. Supervised visits went on for a few months and by th eway that was only with my one child as the other did not want to see me. Then that endeed as it was too far for my husband to drive. This man has harrassed me, followed me, had my children in the car with him and yelled eew or slut out th window at me. I am now seeing someone and they have harassed him, I call and they don't call me back, I write and my letters get returned and ripped out, I have no communication with them at all. I even went as far as showing up at their house to get ignored or told I was tresspassing and to leave. I have no idea if they are sick, happy what they are doing, I can't get through a day without crying for hours when I see kids, go to the grocery store and walk down the juice isle, look at pictures. I have been notating and documentating, taking pictures, etc of everything this man has been doing to me but yet in everyon'e eyes he seems to be the saint. Now my children do not want to even talk to or see their grandparents on my side. I have not seen my kids in over 5 months and grandparents on my side is has been 2 months. I have no contact at all. We are suppose to go to trial and I feel helpless as it always winds up being that I feel I am never heard and no one seems to take a look at the whole picture and everything this man has done. My kids hate me, have sent me hate letters. How do you repais a relationship with your kids if the father is always trying to prevent any relationship from happening and if you cant see them, what is this man telling them " that their mom doesn't want them"? This is the thought the wakes me up in the middle of night as I love my kids, I want to see my kids, I pay my child support and I want a relationship with my kids. I am not this horrible person he is drilling into their heads., I literally ran into them one day in a local store and they all turned around and said loudly "EEEEW there she is"? what type of father allows their children to do that, where is the respect? How is he a good father in everyone's eye's, why does the court not see this? I feel like I want to run into court one day and shout at the top of my lungs, what is wrong with you people???? I can't be happy, I am miserable most of the time. How do you go on every day kknowing you have children that you cant see, touch, hold, love, talk to ? I hate to wake up somedays. I do talk to a psychologist but no one really understands this. I have been told to just go on with your life as you don't have kids because apparently your kids have moved on and they are happy, why are you allowing yourself to be miserable. HOW CAN YOU NOT???? How do you go on living? I have become very accustomed to living my life in denial, just to get through a day anymore. I can't bear the thought of the holidays coming and not being able to talk or see my kids. No one knows this pain and there is no solid answers and I feel like I am living in pergatory every day. Parental alienation has been discussed but it seems to be looked away from. Why doesn't anyone take this serious and better yet, why doesn't anyone force this issue? If anyone has any advice, please email me at lostandunhappy5@aol.com as I need something to hang on to. This is one time when I can honestly say, I know what you all are feeling as I am feeling the loss, the void, the unbearable pain as well.

Me too!

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 01/24/2012 - 12:20am.

OMG...mine too, hunny, we need to talk. I am going through it too...please email me...Penny

In the same situation but just a little different

Submitted by Paige (not verified) on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 11:27am.

I would like to talk to you! My email is Coloradomtnlady4@aol.com. Hang in there! I do have to say this was good reading. I cried when I heard a name for it! I felt so Wow I'm not going crazy! This is real and something that happens!

Re: Alienated them

Submitted by michaela (not verified) on Fri, 12/02/2011 - 3:10pm.

Hi I just wanted to say thank you for your story, Im going through pretty much what you are and it's painfull my daughters are 8 and 9 and it hurst when they tell me what a bad mom I am etc........... they have no idea what is really going on, there has been times I would go to the location where we exchange them and he just would not show up and then later the girls would blame me and say that I didn't even care to see them. I have been to court and even had a mediator talk to the children and they told the mediator that they are scared of me I have no idea why they would say that I NEVER hurt them. I don't know why it is that the courts don't look into these kinds of things further, I keep a journal now. My daughter last night told me that all they do at my house is watch t.v and I didn't know what to say because I know it's not true I take them places when they are with me, but my ex husband and his new wife now sit in the room with the children and have me on speaker phone when I talk to the children and it's almost like I don't even recgonize my children over the phone. anyway please don't give up there is allot of parents that are going through this and it's painfull but I have to believe that the children someday will see the truth and we can't give up. god bless

Support Group in Charlotte NC

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 10/13/2011 - 12:11pm.

We are starting a support group in or near Charlotte NC. With so many people suffering with this, I am surprised there are not more support groups. Is there anyone out the in the area? My X has brainwashed and alienated my teenage daughters - I have only seen them for a few house over the past 6 months.

Support group near Charlotte, NC

Submitted by Terese (not verified) on Sun, 01/29/2012 - 11:45pm.

Please contact me about your support group for mothers being affected by husbands alienating their children. I am interested in attending. Thank you

Why just Mothers?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 02/07/2012 - 8:37pm.

I am in Kannapolis, and am going through the same thing, my ex lives in Augusta Ga. and not only has she alienated my children, she harasses me and refuses to allow the correct visitation, that the court has ordered. I would be interested, if it were for more than just Mothers.

Steps against Parental Alienation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2011 - 5:51am.

Generally and overall these tipps given above are not bad...but.............!!! 1. What if you live in a different country and you were at the MERCY and GRACE of the ALIENATING parent? 2. What if you, did everything you can do, but your child refuses to talk with you... 3. Should I now commit suicide? 4. My child is now a grown-up, planning on getting married, what am I to do 8000 miles away?? 5. My Ex sits in a glashouse and is throwing with rocks, he is in his third marriage now, to terrible women has tax warrants on his butt and so on...my father-in-law who was always supportive of me, is now to old and fragile to continue fighting his son, my mother-in-law is deceased since a long time 6. I always told my child throughout the years, despite her nasty ways of confronting me that I love her, but now she won't even give me a chance to talk 7. Any suggestions, anyone perhaps in the USA living in Wisconsin able to help me establish contact?? 8. Likewise if anyone of you, the other affected parents has an alienating parent living in Germany I am willing to help... PLEASE write TO ME and HELP me....

I cannot believe how common

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 09/09/2011 - 6:23am.

I cannot believe how common this kind of thing is. My ex turned my son against me. I broke up with him after being together for years. We have one son who is nearly 15 now. He was 13 when this began. He bad mouthed me to my son for a year and a half while we had to live in the same house. I was afraid to leave in case i lost my son forever. I eventually had to move out for a while for my own and my son's mental health. The emotional abuse and sometimes physical made me want to end my life. I am a good Mother and never thought i would see the day were i would have to leave my child. It's only when you've experienced this type of abuse and how another parent manages to use your child in order to have that control over you, you begin to realise how powerful that abuser is. I was advised to move back in a few months later if i didn't want to lose my son forever as there was no way he was going to leave with me. So I did much to the anger of my ex's family. I have been pushed around by my ex's Father, gotten abuse off him and my ex's sister, they've damaged my car a few times. And what for??? When all I did was break up!!! It's not a crime!! The thing that made this more difficult for me was that my ex had been vistiting my Mother and family almost daily and lying about me for months. He had used his Mother's death for sympathy. My family sided with him and even sat over tea bad mouthing me to my ex. I had noone to help me. He had manipulated everyone. I see my family now and some of them have even apologised for everything but I will never forgive them for what they did to me. If my son had agreed to move far away with me, i would have and would never have looked back at my family who betrayed me so badly. With the help of my Mother's family, I got some professional help and a safety order against my ex from court. He moved out, disgusted that I had begun to gain back the control of my life. He keeps threatening to come home every so often and everytime my son visits him (5 minute walk away) he (my son) comes home angry with me after having to listen to his Father and his Grandfather bad mouth me and his Father acting like a poor lost soul left out in the cold by me. I just can't believe how someone can do this to a child and get away with it. My son has suffered enough. I would love to keep him away from his Father and that family but obviously I can't as my son has the right to a relationship with his father. His family just want me to leave the home and let him live here. I can't because I will lose my son. And in the beginning if my ex had compromised, I wanted to move out and sort something with my son but the fact that my ex turned my son against me and wouldn't compromise, I had to move back. It was all my ex's doing but he's convinced people that I broke up and wanted him out of the house. I just want my son to be happy. It's awful to think how one parent can destroy a child's life to get to another parent. I appreciate any advice. I very grateful fot this website. Thanks.

My soon to be ex wife is mentally ill

Submitted by brian (not verified) on Fri, 08/05/2011 - 7:20pm.

When I tell her she needs help she becomes so venomous that its scary. When I asked her parents for her hand in marriage 23 years ago they both said horrible things about her and that I shouldn't marry her. I though they just didn't like me and they wanted me to go away from their daughter. My Father in law said that "My daughter is decietful and she will do or say anything to get her way. She cant be trusted. Don't marry her." Her mother said " Don't marry her. Someday she will make you a very unhappy man". Well 20 years and 2 kids Boy 12 and Girl 7, later they were right. The only sex we've had in the past 15 years was to concieve the kids. All she talks about is divorce and how she wants me out. My "best Friend" follows her everywhere she goes yet they deny there is anythig going on. I can't afford a divorce. And any time the subject comes up she changes the whole story. One day it will be She wants me out and we'll sell the house. The next day she'll deny saying it. When I tell her she needs help she goes into a tirade. If I had the money I would hire a top notch lawyer to get the divorce and custody of the kids. Even though she has them brainwashed that I'm the bad guy. My life sucks. I should have listened to her parents. Never being married would have been better than the mess this turned into.

Wife turned son against me over 15 years

Submitted by wobbie15 (not verified) on Tue, 08/02/2011 - 1:03am.

I had a horrible divorce, there where no assets to sell due to housing crisis, it went down in value. we did not share the marital bed for the last year of being together. When I left there was no attempt to reconcile, it was just is that it , have you gone ? She then refused my access to our son until a satisfactory maintenance payment was agreed, one which I could not afford but had no choice to pay. My ex father in law sold us the house at a reduced price and therefore kept a second charge on it, one I could not pay. She then proceeded to deny access, not allowing my son in the house when I found a new partner, all the usual. She accused my new partner of sleeping with lawyers son (who was out of the country and did not even know my new partner). If my son came to me he came with horrible clothes yet had Nikes and levis etc when he was at home. If he spoke to me she made it difficult and the experience became associated with problems. In short my son’s life was made hell if he contacted me. He is now coming up to 18 years old and is estranged from me. I lost 3 businesses and could not pay the maintenance for a number of years. I left and moved to Spain and finally have a business for the first time in 15 years that works. I went to meet her after not seeing her for several years to offer to help and ask to speak to our son only to be re-buffed. She let me speak to him but his words where not his and he just said he didn’t want anything to do with me and his reasons did not add up, again her words coming through. I was set up and what more despite the fact she has a (financial) court order against me (to keep me away) it was never really about the money it was the rejection she no doubt felt and despised me for (her parents have money) so she set about, with her mother, in erasing me from our sons life and memory. What does a Father who still loves his son and has tried by letter, phone call (all no's are ex directory and they change mobiles),e mail, facebook do to see his son who is now an adult (almost) legally although is mentally immature due to the way he has been protected from all of this.

my ex wife planned to alienate me, over 15 years from my son

Submitted by wobbie15 (not verified) on Tue, 08/02/2011 - 1:01am.

Grandsons Alienation Need Input

Submitted by Grandma P (not verified) on Mon, 06/20/2011 - 5:55am.

I came to this site looking for ways to help convince my Grandson's father that alienating his son is hurting his son more than it is hurting my daughter.........but I am seeing the other side of it here. But since you seem to appear to be experiencing the other side of the situation perhaps you can help this one. In this situation, my daughter (the custodial parent) has consistently tried to keep father and son connected and her son emotionally stable since she herself was a child of a broken home and knows the therapy it takes as an adult to 'fix' the damage we parents do (intentionally or naively doesnt matter) . But as my grandson (I will call him JD for john doe here) grows up, he is forming his own opinion and emotions about his Dad and its so sad to watch. The trust and bonding is changing. My daughter has tried to communicate this to the father but the more she tries, the more he withdraws hisself from his sons life because he knows it will crush her . My daughter knows the pain (and joy) of being in a blended family and knows the adult psycological aftermath so she encourages "JD" to call and shares funny stories of his dad from happier times so he knows he was conceived of Love, not the hate he feels now, but again, JD is 8 now and the more his dad alienates him, the less he reacts to the positve input. The dad has 3 new children (2 bio with 2 diff women and one he is aopted now) and will literally tell his son he cant skype as he is busy with the other two. My grandsons body language says it all. It is a two state living arrangement (texas and florida) so that makes it even harder as Dad can visit every month but chooses not to. Since you all have been on exactly the opposite side of that.. can anyone tell me HOW to stop the madness? My grandsons dad declares he wants more time with his son and keeps my daughter in court all the time for it, but once its over, he just doesnt follow up. My grandson is 8 now and Dad has only attended one birthday. Never met any of his teachers. Attended one or two of his Sports exhibitions however grudgingly, and refuses to let his son be a true part of BOTH families or keep in touch with his son while he is here in Florida. That creates so much alienation that by the time my grandson leaves for Texas for his parenting visiits, he is going to a stranger and scared again. My grandson likes his new stepmom and step brother, half sister and half brother but his dad won't keep the kids connected unless he is with them. Its really hurting my grandsons confidence and trust. ANY IDEAS how to help make this stop? Articles ? There is an open invitation to ANY special events here but when she asks to be told when / what her son will be doing in Texas, is told : "We will let you know if there is anything you should attend"... I feel so helpless as a Grandmother. ANY IDEAS out there? thanks.

I really feel your pain I

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 05/29/2011 - 11:14pm.

I really feel your pain I have gone through this for 12 years the manipulation and the lying me and trapping and then for five years I didn't see my daughter all. And then now I only see my daughter one day a week since 2006 but this Christmas I got her for two weeks because she shoplifted a Wal-Mart with her homeless friend that goes to her high school because the mother said I'll place you in your dad's home but now my daughter makes excuses not to see me which I feel this is alienation of the mother which she has done all these years. At one time she said I'd moved away when my daughter was little and could not check. My ex is a rat hole and should not be a good use of skin. Anyway you get the picture my poor daughter is taking the brunt of it plus she has been knifed at by the stepsister, molested and raped in the mother's care saw him filing a custody battle and I will win unless the state of Washington is totally screwed up.

The other side of the your story

Submitted by Grandma P (not verified) on Mon, 06/20/2011 - 6:10am.

as much as I feel your daughters pain, I gotta call your BS. Why didnt you be a part of your daughters life? I read your 'blame' here that it is your ex's 'fault' ......but I hear this from my grandsons father all the time and know it to be untrue-- He always is claiming "I couldnt see my son because his mother ......" when the fact is, he just has moved on with a new family and new kids and cant cope with his past. He literally denies his son time as he "is doing things with (the siblings) right now". HOW did it happen that your daughter is in high school and you dont know her better? Blaming the ex only works till they are teens and the damage is already done by then with the child having no one to turn to or trust so they wind up in these dangerous acting out situations. If its been 5 years since you saw her, ask yourself why WITHOUT the blame game? jus sayin... And why do men only take interest if they can get custody? Look the anguish of a 'break up" or betrayal may hurt for a while, but the kids did not do it and do not deserve to take the pain for either parent with this type of story. I am sad for all the kids who's parents are too ignorant to put the kids first. just wondering how to help all these kids who are no longer kids, but mixed up confused adults who wind up in dangerous illegal situations with no one to care or trust. ! It may be very tru in your situation that the mom is totally screwed up, but that was YOUR job as the bio dad to make sure she knew she could trust YOU. No offense intended and not "blaming". Just a fact. With SO MUCH info out there, how are we all repeating the mistakes of the past? Grandma

My Ex Turned My Kids against me

Submitted by Obie (not verified) on Sun, 05/29/2011 - 5:53pm.

I am a 47 year old Dad who from has a 16 1/2 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. Me and there mother divorced about 12 years ago. Since that divorce off and on she wanted my son to leave with me because of the problems he gave her. Even though I personally don't like my kids mother because of her being a lying, deceitful, selfish person that she is, I've always supported her when it came to the kids. I must say I love my kids very much. Growing up I saw how my dad was always there for us and tried to teach and give us a good life, so I naturally took after him. Well the first time my ex gave my son to me he was six years of age. I thought he was to young to be seperated from his sister so I talked his mother into taking him back within two months, especially since at the time she lived of North and I leaved in Atlanta. The next time she gave him to me he was the summer after he left 3rd grade. At that time she resided in Georgia also. I took him in and taught him the basic again(respect for Adults, independents and respect for his self). During the beginning of 7th grade she I gave him back, because between his sister himself and his mother constantly begging and harassing me I let him go back. I told him that she would regret it because if she thought she had a hard time and could not control him at a younger age, just wait until he becomes a teenager. Well it happen again. I received harassing phone calls and text messages about her putting him on my door step soon. I asked her to at least wait until school was out. So I kept him his eleven grade year. I planned for him to go to college and was teaching him to make choices and leave with the decisions he made. You know , just trying to prepare him for the world. Well right before he started the 11th grade him and his mom had decided everything was back okay between them. Well by then I had move and was now paying two hundred dollars more to lease a house and utilities had increased. I tried to make everything confortable for him. Well from day 1 his mother was in his ear. They were plotting the whole year for him to some kind of way go back to her. He had a very bad attitude for a year. He refused to interact with me my live in girlfriend and her two young boys. He told me that he purposely tried not to interact and that he interact with his mother and her new husband and stepson when he visited their house. Well it got to the point a couple of times when he would challenge me in altercations but of course I stayed in father mode, trying to just wrap my arms around him to keep him from swinging blows. I feel that his mother instructed him to produce his bad behavior. To make an even longer story short, right before school ended , his mother was begging me to let him go back, but I refused. I reminded her that she said she couldn't do nothing anymore for him and had know plans for him in her on words. She said she would take me to court. I said that was fine. She then kept asking want I just give him back. Well the weekend before school let out I took both him and my daughter to the mall because they wanted some summer clothes. I couldn't figure out why they had attitudes after I purchased them these items. By the evening it turned ugly. My son again challenge me by trying to walk over me when I took his phone and asked him to go to his room and both he and my daughter I felt attacked me. I stayed in father mode to keep them from getting hurt. I did go to the police station to get it documented. Well the next week his mother called a social worker to the school and I met with her at my home and she found know marks or signs of abuse like his mother claimed. The day before that she called the police to my house, which they saw know sighs of abuse and which she claimed I owned 2 guns in the house and they apologized to me. She was so desperate to get him before June which I felt so she could claim because she was trying to purchase a house and wanted to claim him on her taxes at the end of the year. She did a desperate move and took him from my house the last day of school when he got out early. I feel very hurt about this ordeal. It's very depressing and make you angry and sad at the same time. I since blocked them from calling my phone. I didn't want to deal with being what I feel betrayed by my kids. I expected it from the more, because that is her MO, but not my kids.

I can relate and need advice <3

Submitted by Rebecca Dubreuil (not verified) on Sat, 03/19/2011 - 12:37pm.

Wow I knew that many were going through parental or child custody issues but this describes my situation to a "T" i will just briefly describe it but i will not have to do much since it is written up there... I raised my son as a single mom with 2 boyfriends through out my sons life. he was born December 27,1997. i was just turned 17 and yes as a teen mom i was still in high school not to make it a statistic teen mom story it is about the custody. we then broke up me and his father when he was about 2. I have been dealing with mental disorders since i was 14. i have been diagnosed 4 times bipolar to this date. i am 30 now. well i had never talked bad or denied my son child 1 we will say to his father. dad1 we will say. He was in and out of my sons life there was one year when i was bringing him to his father on saturdays and that was it over nights but it was verbal no court orders i never gave him a hard time even when he wasnt consistant with visits and child support i knew it was more important for him to have occasional visits.. i just loved my son so much it didnt matter how i felt and especially how i felt about his father.. if only it was the same for him but this is my delema... I resectly needed help i had a hardships and became homeless he had become involved again due to a new relationship he is in a new relationship with a woman 15 years his senior maybe even 20 i am not sure.. well he got custody by lying and more lying and lying he has turned my relationship i had with my son and my families into lies lies lies as he said i never involved my son in my turmoils since i felt he did not need to at his young age any parent would feel this way. but also he says i kept him from his father never had i done this.. i can pick this aprt but this is rediculous i spent a hour on the phone with my son in how he just is so mad about being lied to but i never lied to him i just felt at 3 or 5 he need not know i was going through a depression or manic episodes.. :9 he forgets all the nights of book reading days and nights at the beach and rides at night just the 2 of us... the dinners and picnics.. the songs we sang every night all ths pictures we have together of love and our family outings.... He only sees and hears my flaws and mistakes yet everything his father has done or did was in perfection. We borke up since he was into drugs and not working but he was told when he was a baby he was working for his job.. not true i was with him he was not working yet. he started working when he was 21 or so maybe 20 and he was 3-4 .. any ways everything that was said is whati am going through .. i am so frustarted i am going through a group to help i have to pay $100 up front and then payment plans but i have no other support in what else to do. He my child 1 says he doesnt need me or my family... it was never a your family my family :( i am so sad mad and frustrated. and i know me being in my sons life is just as important as his families all his families. both his mothers and fathers. even throguh all this i want his father to be in his life but also myself.. isnt that sick i cannot be angry with hi and not want him in my sons life because he loves him... how can i take him frm him how can another keep him from his mother and all the love we have .... ugh am i crazy or what :(

did i post this correctly

Submitted by Rebecca Dubreuil (not verified) on Sat, 03/19/2011 - 12:41pm.

also i read the suggestions i am doing just that i am letting him know i understand he is upset but also i love him so much n it will never change... also i was not giving up on our relationship. i would continue to call n write n be there for him. i will be getting this evidence of adccusations.. i was told his father worked at a certain age when we lived together i will n its all there thank you reading all the suggestions n posts n replys gives me hope... i know the son i love is there .... inside of all the hurt n fathers n inlaws influences...... from a greatful mother for this site, Rebecca Dubreuil

Adult son has been manipulated by my long ago ex

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 03/18/2011 - 4:10am.

I've raised my son, alone, for 30 years - I don't claim to be a perfect mum but I was always there for him, was always on his side and loved him. Having only had the most sporadic of contact with his son, my ex of 30 years has now been in my son's life for the past two and my son can barely talk to me, seeing his father as the victim. I feel utterly betrayed. He can happily forgive his father all the wrongs he comitted but I get no forgiveness. I've begged and pleaded for us to sort things out but have been told he will never discuss things to do with his 'father'. So I don't even get to defend myself - the trial has taken place without me being there, and I've been judged, hung, drawn and quartered. I'll never get over this. It's destroyed me. Thanks Dan.

My ex has turned my 16 yr.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 12/13/2010 - 11:23am.

My ex has turned my 16 yr. old daughter against me and is working on our 10 yr. old som. He was abusive, controlling, and manipulative to me for 22 years. I finally got out with the help of family and friends. However, he has now told my children that I abandoned them...along with other terrible things. We shared custody of them and he absolutely hated that so he told them they didn't have to come if they didn't want to. He started planning family get togethers, pool parties, road trips, etc for the specific weekends that I was supposed to have the kids to make them not want to come with me. He put more chores on my daughter and blamed me for leaving that she had to do them. When I began dating again he blamed my new partner for the break up so they would dislike him....It has been a complete nightmare and now my son is slipping away and showing more and more signs of anger and controlling behavior just like his father....I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I've done everything books and the court and my lawyer have said to do, but it's just getting worse. I'm afraid I will have to wait until they grow up to have any decent type of relationship with them again.

ex husband and wife turned my sons against me

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 05/20/2010 - 8:24am.

I have a problem with my ex and his wife. He has turned my two sons (27 & 20) against me and tried to work on my daughter. I have not seen my sons in 3 years , I call and email them to tell them I love them and would like to see them. I have had no response except from the ex telling me they will never speak to me again. Not a day goes by that I do not think of them and wish I could see them. The ex has not stopped at the kids he also has contacted my friends old and new trying to turn them against me also. It appears my house has be bugged and I can not find it even with counter measures. He knows all conversations that go on in my house word for word I set up cameras to the dvr only to find after a week the dvr will record not play it back. A disc error. I can move but the problem will just follow me, I need the problem to end. I had to get a restaining order because he follows me from my work to home just to try and scare me. God only knows what he tells my sons. How and what do I do? I am lost and feel like I will never see them again I have already lost 3 years and we were really close.

3 year old - victum of parental alienation

Submitted by L (not verified) on Sat, 05/08/2010 - 9:48pm.

My son has a 3 year old daughter.......his ex is constantly emailing him saying horrible things about him. Tonight his daughter said "Daddy you are disgusting". I know she was parrotting what she's heard her mother say. But it broke my heart for her and for my son. What can we do? How can this mother do this to her own daughter? Has anyone been through this?

Victim of parental alientation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/25/2012 - 4:49pm.

My son and I are going through this right now. It breaks my heart to see my so hurt so bad for the things his ex has taught his 3 and a half year old daughter to say to him. "I don't love you, I don't wanna go with you, you're not my daddy, etc." I feel so bad for anyone having to go through this. Hope the court recognizes and puts a stop to this evil practice!

alienation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 02/18/2011 - 11:38pm.

i'm going through the exact same scenario w my sons soon to be x wife. She constantly tells our 3yr old grand daughter untrue and bad things about my son to her. Can the law be involved? She is doing this out of spite and it is killing me inside because my grand daughter is so sweet and loves everyone so much. But when i watch my grand daughter sometimes she'll say, ' mommy said daddy is mean and is a bad daddy". I'ts just heartbreaking.

I feel so sad that what I am

Submitted by Simone (not verified) on Thu, 02/11/2010 - 3:05am.

I feel so sad that what I am going through so many others are having the same battles.My ex manipulated my thirteen year old daughter so much that she doesn't even want to speak to me anymore. My son called me a S**t one day and told me thats what other people think of me. I found a new partner after a year and now that I have moved in with him my ex gave my son an ultimatum that he either lived with him or me because he wasnt going to put up with my sons carrying on, he is an eleven year old boy. Why does he feel the need to make me miserable by turning my children against me. Revenge gets you nowhere.

5 signs ex is turning kids against you

Submitted by michelle stewart (not verified) on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 7:49pm.

this is exactly what i am going thtough with 2 teenagers 13 and 14. It is very hard and i feel like im under a microscope and my life is not my own. The 2 people who should love me the most dispise me and it makes me feel like crap and i dont know how to fight it. I need help!!!!

Children turning against you!

Submitted by TJ (not verified) on Mon, 10/24/2011 - 3:42pm.

Get an attorney now. Parental Alienation Syndrome is happening. Stop the abuse now. My boys are 17 and 14 now. The last 5 yrs I have been going through so many sorrows please look at the symptoms. Do your children act this way towards you. It is not normal unless you are an abuser yourself. I tell you normal children love their parents. They do not hate parents who love and care for them. I can tell you something good is going to come out of my situation and maybe telling you will help you to know that you are not alone. The alienating parent is threatened by you. Stop them now help your children they are brainwashed.

Ex Played The Age of Decision Card

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 11/28/2011 - 7:36pm.

For half a decade I have watched my husband's ex-wife continue with her compulsive lies, as their daughter grew closer to age 12. Now she is 12, and it was not so long ago that a Protection From Abuse Order was slammed against my husband on behalf of his daughter from his ex! Imagine my dismay seeing words that I would never utter, abuse allegations, allegations of looking at a pre-teen child dress or bathe! It was out of the blue! My husband and I had no idea of what the source was. Then, it was court day. His daughter took the stand, as the ex wife sat puffed up and proud on her plaintiff side with the pro bono attorneys surrounding her. The child stated she never wanted to come to our home again, and stated the allegations were all true! My husband nearly passed out. Since then, he has lost a piece of his soul. His daughter lied, obviously with the prompting by the mother. Now, the family we built together, my children and his has been interrupted by tragic lies. We are all in pain. But, she's 12, the age of decision,,,she can decide whether or not she even talks or visits to us. God help us.

I am a non-custodial mother

Submitted by janet (not verified) on Wed, 11/17/2010 - 5:14pm.

I am a non-custodial mother going through the same thing with my 15 year old son. All of a sudden he advised me to not call him, e-mail him and he refuses to visit me any longer. This has been going on since July. Needless to say I think about him all the time and have been fighting a severe depression due to this, My ex-husband hates me and I know he is behind this by "downing" me and calling me a loser in front of my son. The only advice I have is to hang in there, be with supportive friends and hopefully our children will come to know the truth someday, sooner rather than later. Be strong...life goes on no matter what and even though the holidays are coming up and it is a rough time, you can make it through them knowing that you still love your children with all your heart. Maybe try sending them a Christmas card of Hannakah card letting them know you love them with all your heart and will always be there for them no matter what. Good luck to you. I feel you pain.

I am a non- custodial parent

Submitted by TJ (not verified) on Mon, 10/24/2011 - 3:36pm.

I have been the non-custodial parent for almost 5 yrs now. I can tell you it hurts and it has been an emotional roller coaster. I felt like a failure as a parent and that my children really didn't love or want to be with me anymore. Then I discovered alienation syndrome. What a relief to know that my Ex is such a sad person to hurt our children. He has caused mental issues that will affect them the rest of their lives.. It is not my fault and I know that now. Anyone that gets to read this and is in the same situation. Do not blame yourself the children will come back to you and the other damaging parent will one day realize what harm they caused. My sister recently experienced her children coming back after their father lied to them for 18yrs. I can tell you it was complete joy knowing they love their mother and see there father for the liar he really was all along. So to all of us non-custodial parents hats off cause day of reckoning will happen. Until then be strong and hold on to a belief that karma lives. God Bless us all.

wow

Submitted by CM (not verified) on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 9:03am.

Thank you for writing this. I am at my witts end and my struggle has only been going on for a year, the worst of it for three months. My 12 year old daughter is like another person. I miss my baby. My daughter was having increasing behavioral issues and kept threatening me that she would live with her father full time. She kept pushing away and pushing away and pushing away...I was tired of her threats. My ex-husband's wife called me to discuss this situation as my ex and I have difficulty communicating without tension and escalation of simple situations. She explained how it was in my daughter's best interest to try to live under one roof...whichever roof that would be (let's pretend for a moment that I had any say so or choice in this matter). My daughter was allowed to choose not only the house to live in full time, but how little she would see me. This went on for six months, and when school was over it appeared that her behavior and grades were minimally impacted by this change. I wanted to go back to our original arrangment of 50/50...then an out of state move was sprung on me. I was told my daughter wanted to go, and my ex and his wife and kids would be moving to a state across the country. It was presented as though this were a done deal, the wheels were in motion and everyone was prepared to make this happen before the next school year (45 days from the date of the conversation). I spent well over a decade being the passive one, the diplomat, trying to 'get along' for the sake of my child and also for the sake of my own sanity. I relented and said okay. After a few agonizing days I had to go on a trip out of town and while there I realized I could not let my child grow up thousands of miles away from me. I would miss everything. As soon as I returned home, I filed papers with the court requesting my child not be allowed to move. Everything exploded from there. My child has been angry and hurtful since then. She has rejected me, refused to talk to me, and the lies...oh my the lies. I have never seen anything as scary from anyone with the exception of my ex-husband, her father. I read about parental alienation and now I see that this is not just happening to me...this is a real thing and it is happening on many levels to so many people. I am completely emotionally torn apart. I am having difficulty managing my emotions. It was suggested by the court that we get into intensive family counselling. We had our second appointment yesterday, and I really feel like I blew it. I was so cool, so calm in the beginning. I was sitting there paying a great deal of attention to my body language...trying to remain relaxed and open. I listened as my daughter told lie after lie after horrendous lie. I took it up to a point. I followed the instruction of the therapist. I answered questions carefully. I realized that this was not therapy...but rather this was posturing by my ex and my daughter. I am dealing with two manipulative beings who thrive on dominance and manipulation. I was trying to answer questions honestly and deal with this like a rational human...apparently that is not what I am supposed to do. I can't really figure out what the hell to do. My daughter told a lie that was in reference to my step-daughter and I stopped her saying "really, I cannot sit here and allow you to tell the lies that you are telling, you cannot be serious..." It went on from there. I sat up in my chair straight and leaned forward to tell my ex-husband that I accept my role in all of this, but honestly the things she is saying are not true, and I cannot allow this to go on. The therapist told me to dial it back a notch (not her actual words...i think she just held her hand up and said "okay"). I apologized and slid carefully back into my chair. The therapist then said to my daughter "Is this what you are talking about when you say mom yells a lot"? So then it was all three of the people in the room against me. I feel very broken. I feel like I cannot recover from this. I feel as though this is breaking me to the point of no return. I am angry and hurt and confused. This child has been turning against me for a year now...and no matter what lengths I go to to try to understand and respect her, she just keeps pushing. How much can a person take before you say "you know what...fine...have a nice life"... I know that is not the answer...I just feel so lost in all of this. I hate feeling that the counseling is a joke. I have to figure out what role to play when I am in there.

7 Steps to Combat Parental Alienation

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