I'm not one to mince words. If you think I'm talking to you, then decide to be offended or decide that there may be merit to the advice — either way, your child's welfare and happiness is my only real goal in writing this.
This isn't a fun time and both of you feel hurt and victimized right now. Whether you are or you aren't is not up to me to decide. Whether you give yourselves the opportunity to move forward in the best way possible is ENTIRELY up to you. Your goal is not to 'get yours' or 'see justice done'. Your goal is to move on, gracefully and with as little damage emotionally and financially as possible.
I know as human beings we shouldn't be looking for revenge. But in early recovery of divorce revenge and having your EX feel your pain is a major want.
I understand the trust issue. I have trust issues and I felt that I would never have a man walk into my live and give my whole heart. Through reading, attending a support divorce group and therapy, I learned that we cannot control others, while only ourselves. You will become strong enough to trust YOURSELF. When you trust yourself you'll know when the right person is there for you and you will trust that your relationship is strong. But you still can't control what others do.
This is such a process. Although the pain of my early journey in this divorce process I wouldn't wish on anyone. It did make me stronger. Yes I didn't want the strength at first. I wanted my home, family intact. That was not so, so I had to re-learn everything in my life again.
Soon after my husband left, I joined a divorce support group and found it very helpful. A year later, the facilitator stepped down and asked me to help facilitate the group. Emotionally, I was in a much better place then and agreed to help. It seemed like a good way to give back to a group that had given me so much.
Divorce support groups take many different forms but this one operates as a forum for people to share their stories, feelings and ask questions. The facilitator's role is mainly to make sure that everyone has a chance to speak. Over the past two years, I've seen a lot of people come and go, but I'm starting to identify the characteristics that help people move more quickly through the stages of this tragedy and those that slow down the process. Here's what I've learned:
The following was recently posted as a blog by a wonderful member on the social network, within which she shares some insightful points about navigating the process of divorce:
Some of you may not be famliar with the old BBC comedy "Are You Being Served?". If you aren't, go check it out. You will be getting a well deserved laugh.
For those of us who have been served, you (like me) probably remember the happy innocence of going to the front door to answer that knock and then finding yourself face to face with the woman or man who came to tell you you'd been dragged into court.
What is Being Served?
Being served is a legal process by which the court assures itself that all parties have been notified to 1/attend any court scheduled activities and 2/ get a lawyer if they don't already have one. In most cases, once you have retained an attorney your attorney's office deals with being served.
If you have ever gone to the post office and sent something with delivery confirmation, you have in many ways 'served' other people. The item is tracked and the proof is there that someone signed for it.
The court is simply trying to make sure noone can say "Hey! I never found out!"
I have trouble understanding how the law and relationships mix. In Quebec (my home province), couples form and dissolve, most often without a marriage to seal the deal. Common-law relationships are the way to go in La Belle Province.
I asked a friend of mine from Nevada about her divorce. "You have to go to court and the judge tells you whether you can divorce or not."
Wait a second. A judge, someone who has no idea who you are, what your troubles are or who your partner is, decides whether you have to continue a marriage you don't want to? This makes no sense to me.
Dividing assets, I understand. Someone has to decide who gets the car or the kitchen table, and it's tough to make decisions like that when you're angry.
Child custody, I get. It's important that children stay where they want to and where they need to be with a person that can take care of them properly. And in separations, kids are often jammed in the middle between two parents who fight over custody like vicious dogs.
I'm wondering if any female readers, while going through the divorce process, thought the judge was biased against her. I've heard of a few cases where women had the perception the divorce judge favored the husband.
In Hong Kong, an appeals court banned a judge from hearing a divorce action because they seriously believed that the Justice would be biased against the wife.
The husband's attorney, writing to the judge, alleged that the wife would have his client killed if he returned to Hong Kong from a London trip.
Justice John Saunders said, "I do not consider that the father's fear of physical injury, is either irrational or a sign of instability." Apparently both the husband, his attorney and the judge took this alleged threat seriously.
Unfortunately this judge put his foot in his mouth when he expressed a biased conventional opinion, that the husband's fear may be "described as being akin to a fear, for personal safety, held by someone married to a person of Italian extraction."
