Support Group For Women: Emotionally Abused

A group for divorced or divorcing women

Posted to Community by First Wives World on Fri, 11/12/2010 - 11:48am

This group is for any woman that is or has been in an emotionally abusive marriage.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is meant to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature.

It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept.

Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones.

In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse.

Click the following to join the group, Emotionally Abused.

Comments

who do I trust

Submitted by whoamI (not verified) on Wed, 11/07/2012 - 1:24am.

Who am I? Im losing my way everything I say is the wrong thing might as well get a gun and shoot me. Its almost like killing me siofrly. His word hurt I rather a slap the pain will heal from that. The words I say get twisted as if he knew why i was saying it as if there is always something behind what comes out of my mouth. Thats why you dont have no friends , I dont have that problem. If everyone knew they would say to leave you. You f bitch leave this is my house you have a problem you dwal with it I will not get involved. I call his answer "What". Me what you doing hows work. Why are you always questioning me i cant deal with it. Comes home i hope i can get a little break from the kids he stays in room all evening while iam exausted feom the kids cooking cleaning. Drinking has become a problem it gets worst if i ask him to please dont drink. We need you. Your nothing without me i made you. Im sick im weary dizzy tired restless. He was a dream come true what happened .its not him its me.

Like father like son?

Submitted by Guest Jane (not verified) on Sun, 10/14/2012 - 9:02pm.

Well I made the mistake of standing up for myself today and boy am I paying. My 19 year old son lives at home and abuses me verbally like his dad. We pay for community college, food, doctors. My son rages and got tickets and an at fault accident. His auto insurance is really really expensive. He calls me a bitch and puts me down using the exact same words as his dad. He kept smoking pot in my house. I'd come home from work and a blast of stinky pot smoke would greet me. Husband says me and son 'don't get along'. I think my house my rules, no drugs and if you want me to pay your bills perhaps you shouldn't rage at me. I am afraid of him a lot. Truly sometimes i worry hell murder me, though only physical was breaking things and following me for hours screaming at me, breaking my phone so i couldn't call police, i barricade myself in a room if i can get there.My husband laughs and says that's stupid. I have lock on my bedroom door. Husband is a pall, not a parent, smokes pot with the kids and is such a cool guy. Undermines my attempt at setting limits so my teens have no rules, because if i try to set limits or enforce consequences he vetoes them. Oh I wish he was an adult. Sons girlfriend dumped him because he treats her like he treats me. Son and husband blame me. I try to tiptoe and just say yes dear, but this hill I died on. All my son has to do is go each month without calling me a bitch or smoking pot in my house and ill pay his auto ins. He can't manage that. So my husband paid it. Leaving is not a simple answer. Married 25 years and I was just diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. I don't complain and I can still work. My fatigue and symptoms disgust my husband, zero empathy. He is a narcisist, extremely selfish. Anyway he'd love for me to leave our home we worked so hard for these 30 years, and take this scary inconvenient disease with me. I am not strong enough physically or mentally to do it. The two of them today said 'you need help' because its all my fault. I said ok, make me an apt and I'll go anywhere you want. I suggested he should come too, and he said not needed, I'm the one with the problem. I'm certainly highly depressed, so ok. But I know the'll tell me to leave. No one else would want me. I'm 50 and I have a horrible disease. Stuck.

EMotional abuse

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 09/30/2012 - 3:52pm.

Hello its my first time on here!!! So here we go, i have been married for years to my husband .When we first meet i was 40 pounds lighter with blonde hair .But in 2007 i got sick with menigintis , i was in the icu for 5 days. Thats when thing changed for me with my apperance i had retained so much fluid that i wouldnt wear my shoes orregular cloths. My boyfriend ,who would eventually be my husband as there for me , but i ws having problems getting over me being that sick and id try to talk to him about it an he would just say im so sick and tired of heaing about this. So i just stopped talking to him about it .In 2009 we got married , thats when things got rough he would get mad if ididnt wanna have sexual relations with him , then he say well i have a paper that say i can get it when ever i want and i was like i dont think so, then he told me one time , its a damn shame that these men cant be the hell out of these mouthy ass women i was just floored, then came you a fat ass , ur a bitch and i likemy women fit .It just gt to be to much for me and i left and stayedgone for 2 months, then we decided to try and work it out but things had nt changed .So i left again and i was detemined to get a divorce but i lost my job and etc. But i am a god fearing women and god told me no to not to file for divorce , and so i didnt but my husband did .Now i am hurt because he filed and i wanted to reconcile but i just realized that he had tore me down so much that my counselor said her main goal was to build up my self worth and self esteem. So just pray about all things god can do anything he can change anyone..

MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED

Submitted by ME (not verified) on Sat, 09/22/2012 - 8:12pm.

HI!!! MY NAME IS LISA AND IM NEW TO THIS SITE..MY COUNSELOR RECOMMENDED ME TO USE THIS SITE..SO HERE I AM GUESS IM GUNNA TRY IT OUT..ANYWAY IM 28 YR OLD FEMALE AND HAVE A LITTLE BOY THATS 1YR OLD GOING ON 2YRS OLD..IV BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS. CURRENTLY SERVED IN THE MILITARY ALMOST 5YRS..IM ON THIS SITE HOPING TO GET THE SUPPORT I NEED..I COULD REALLY USE JUST ABOUT ANY SUPPORT OR COMMENTS TO HELP ME GET THROUGH THE PAIN AND SUFFERING IM FEELING IN MY LIFE RIGHT ABOUT NOW. MY HUSBAND IS 32YRS OLD AND SAMOAN. HE HAS TWO DAUGHTERS FROM ANOTHER GURL AND ONE SON FROM SOMEONE ELSE THAT HE GAVE HIS RIGHTS AWAY TO AND THEN OUR SON. MY HUSBAND JUS WALKED OUT OF ME AND MY SONS LIFE ABOUT A MONTH AGO..HE UP AND JUS ABANDON US WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL AND MY SON WAS IN DAYCARE. WE CAME HOME AND ALL HIS STUFF WAS GONE AND HE WAS ON A PLANE TO ALASKA WHERE HIS FAMILY IS. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE HAS DONE THIS TO ME AND OUR KID. HES DONE THIS MOVING OUT ON ME SINCE FIRST MONTH WE GOT MARRIED. HES ALWAYS BEEN A LIER AND GONE BEHIND MY BACK WITH OTHER WOMEN AND WHEN I FIND PROOF HE STILL LIE TO MY FACE, FOR EXAMPLE I CUD PRINT HIS PHONE BILL AND ASK WHY HE STILL CALLIN WOMEN BEHIND MY BACK AND HE WOULD SAY HE DIDNT ATT MESSED HIS BILL UP...HE LIED TO ME ABOUT HOW MANY KIDS HE HAD AND DENYED THEM ALL JUST TO BE WITH ME..N WHEN I WAS 4 MONTHS PREGNET WITH MY SON I FIND OUT. I WENT CRAZY BUT I STILL STUCK WITH HIM BECAUSE I LOVED HIM AND FIGURED WE COULD FIX OUR MARRIAGE AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. WE HAVE TRYED MARRIAGE COUNSELING EVERYTHING NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK. IV STILL BEEN GOIN COUNSELING OFF AND ON FOR OVER TWO YEARS TRYING FIGURE OUT WHY HE IGNORES ME AND ABANDONS ME AND OUR CHILD. AND HE WILL PLAY EMOTIONAL HEAD GAMES WITH ME. ITS LIKE HE FEEDS OFF THE ATTENTION FROM ME AND THE PAIN HE PUTS ME THROUGH. THE MORE I CALL AND CRY THE MORE HE LIKES THE ATTENTION AND IGNORES ME. WHEN I FINALLY STOP CALLING AND DO IGNORE HIM AND SEEK HELP AND START FEELING BETTER HE WILL CALL OR TEXT ME AND SAY HE LOVES ME AND MISSES US SO MUCH AND OF COURSE I FALL FOR HIS CRAP BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE LOVE N HOPE FOR US..AND THE MINUTE I FALL FOR IT AND FEEL GOOD HE GOES RIGHT BACK TO IGNORING ME AGAIN FOR WEEKS MONTHS ..I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOES THIS TO ME . I DONT THINK HE WANTS TO SEE ME HAPPY AT ALL. HE TELL ME TO F*** OFF AND THEN LATER WILL SAY HE LOVES ME AGAIN. ITS A BACK AND FORTH BACK N FORTH THING..HE NEVER ADMITTS TO HIS FAULTS OR SAYS SORRY. HE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON ME..HES NEVER IN MY SONS LIFE WHEN HES MAD HE DONT CALL DONT HELP ME WITH OUR CHILD NOTHING...I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. WHEN I TELL HIM HOW MUCH HURT N STRESS HE IS CAUSING ME AND OUR SON HE WILL JUS SAY " I DONT HURT YOU BOTH" NOT MY PROBLEM. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE CAN BE SOOO COLD HEARTED AND CRUEL. I KNOW NOBODYS PERFECT BUT I CAN ADMIT TO MY FAULTS AND I NEVER GIVE UP AND I ALWAYS WANNA TRY BUT ALL HE DOES IS RUN ALL THE TIME AND THEN PLAY HEAD GAMES WITH ME OR CHEAT. HE ALWAYS PICKS HIS FAMILY OVER ME HE LETS PEOPLE PUT ME DOWN AND OUR SON DOWN AND DOESNT EVER HAVE OUR BACK. HE NEVER SUPPORTS ME THRU ANYTHING I DO IN LIFE. WHEN I WAS IN THE MILITARY HE PUT ME THRU COMPLETE HELL AND CAUSED PROBLEMS AT MY WORK. EVERYTIME HE UP AND LEFT US IT PUT ME IN A BIND BECAUSE I HAD NO SITTER BECAUSE HE STAYED HOME WITH OUR SON..HES VERY LAZY AND NEVER REALLY WORKED ALWAYS LIVED OFF OF ME. I TOOK CARE OF HIM AND HIS TWO OTHER GIRLS FROM ANOTHER WOMEN..HE NEVER APPRECIATED NOTHING FROM ME EVER..I JUST FEEL LIKE HE USED ME AND ABUSED ME AND THATS IT. HIS EX KIS MOM USE TO CAUSE PROBLEMS IN OUR MARRIAGE AND TRY SPLIT US UP AND HE NEVER WOULD BACK ME UP OR TELL HER TO BACK OFF. I JUS FEEL LIKE HE HAS A VERY BAD HABBIT OF PLAYIN WITH WOMENS EMOTIONS AND LIKES THE ATTENTION OF WOMEN CHASING HIM.ANYWAY SORRY THIS IS SOO LONG SO MUCH TO SAY AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN OR TO END. JUST MY OVERALL THING IS I REALLY DO CARE ABOUT HIM AND I DONT KNOW WHY? PEOPLE THINK IM CRAZY AND IF I WAS LOOKING AT SOMEONE ELSE I WOULD PROBLEY THINK THEY WERE CRAZY ALSO. I DONT KNOW WHY I TEXT HIM STILL FOR HOPE THAT HE STILL LOVES ME .. I DONT KNOW WHY I LET HIM GET TO ME WHEN HE IGNORES ME OR PLAYS GAMES WITH ME ? I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ... I JUST FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES I WANNA HAVE A MENTAL BREAK DOWN. IM CURRENTLY OUT THE ARMY AND A FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT AND WORK PART TIME AND TRYING TO RAISE MY SON BEST I CAN AND DO HOMEWORK WITHOUT LOOSING MY MIND WITH ALL THE STRESS N THOUGHTS GOING ON ...I JUST NEED THE SUPPORT AND ADVISE WHAT TO DO TO OVER COME THIS FEELING AND TO GET AWAY FROM IT SO HE CANT LEAD ME ON NOMORE AND HURT ME ALL OVER AGAIN..ITS AN ONGOING PATERN AND ITS GOT TO STOP HAS TO ITS MAKING MY BLOOD PRESSURE HIGH AND MAKIN ME SICK. IM AFRAID IF I CHANGE MY NUMBER AND ERASE ALL THEIR NUMBERS THAT I WILL LOOK LIKE A BAD MOTHER FROM KEEPING HIM FROM BEIN ABLE TO REACH HIS KID, BUT AT THE SAME TIME NOT LIKE HE CALLS OR IN HIS LIFE ANYWAY. CONFUSED REALLY REALLY CONFUSED AND HURT. THIS IS EMBERRASSING AND JUST A LITTLE OF WHATS GOING ON BECAUSE TO MUCH TO EXPLAIN. ANY ADVISE WOULD HELP..THANKS!!!!

physical & verbal abuse

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 09/17/2012 - 2:55pm.

Hi, I am Nancy, I would like to join a group ,for women that have been abused. I have been abused by my dad, and three of my four ex-husbands. I would like to get my stories out there, can you help me? thank-you

Self confidence lacking at work/stutter alot/unsure of self

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 09/21/2012 - 7:31am.

Hi Nancy, I know you know you are not alone. There are many of us out there. I too was abused by my father and by my three former x-husbands. I have lost my ability to have self-esteem, courage, strength and the ability to know that I can do my job and live. I do not know where to begin, all I know is I struggle everyday with the past pain and how the abuse has affected my current job. After being at this job for 10 months, dealing with the negativity at work, the negative staff, the boss always scrutinizing my work, saying I have to improve, I have to improve and with what my x-husband said to me for the last 6 years, and the past husband issues, the past for the past 43 years, I am finding it hard to improve for the sake of my boss. Am struggling and have very little self confidence. Would love to communicate with the ladies of this forum. I should probably find a less stressful job too. Thank you for listening!

Emotional Abuse

Submitted by Jo (not verified) on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 12:06pm.

My story is like everyone else's, and I am afraid to leave. I find myself feeling sorry for him. I know he can't afford the house without my income, and he says he will kill all of the pets if I go. He says that I am the one with the problem, and it's not even really abuse. I find myself feeling crazy, like maybe I am wrong, and it's not that bad. Why is it so hard to just walk away?

Re: Emotional Abuse - Submitted by Jo

Submitted by Dorthi (not verified) on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 12:13pm.

Jo, It sounds like you and I are in the same boat. He sounds just like my husband (minus the killing the pets). Every time I get the thought in my head I'm ready to leave and have had enough he turns on the charm and becomes the man I WANT him to be and I end up feeling so bad for him. I also know he couldn't afford the bills without me. Our son (now 15) HATES him and that's an understatement. My husband blames me for his own son not liking him and can't see that his actions have caused a permanant wedge between them. If you want to talk feel free to email me. [email protected] Dorthi

"Jo", they make us feel

Submitted by angela (not verified) on Sat, 09/15/2012 - 1:59pm.

"Jo", they make us feel crazy because it takes it off of them, your husband is the crazy one if he has to be so horrible to you. you deserve better and it is that bad. he will not kill your pets he is simply using guilt and fear to get to you. i know you feel you must tell him your plans because he has made you feel you need his approval but you dont. find a safe place and go. i am praying for you

me too.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 6:41pm.

My case is a little differant. I was hurt in a car accident about five years ago. Due to constant pain it is impossible for me to now hold down a full time job. Before the accident I was in a position making as much as he was. Now to him i'm worthless. No he doesnt say it, he doesnt have to. You gals know how that feels, just the constant dead look of hatred in their eyes. But according to him our fights are always my fault. The only reason I fight is always the same. I am asking him to treat me like he loves me. Instead he says everything he does is wrong and clams up and wont talk to me. Today his dog was sick and I cleaned up a lot of vomit. When i told him about it he didn't even thank me. This is the norm, never a thank you or an apology from him. When I got upset and told him he should thank me he got mad at me. He left me to go out with his friend. He knows i'm home in tears but doesn't care. He totally with-holds any comfort from me, never a hug or a positive remark, even on the days that I am in the most physical pain. He complains because being married to me isn't fun for him any more. I go to a therepist because of the way he treats me. I guess I expect this miracle someday that he will wake up and appreciate me. I know Im wrong. I just don't know how to leave. I am totally broken and suffer deeply from depression. I have told him what my therepist says, that i am not hurting from physical pain but from the pain my husband is putting on me. I can't support myself and have no family to help me. Like these other gals I am scared.

just don't know what to do...

Submitted by Jessa (not verified) on Mon, 08/20/2012 - 8:15am.

Hi everyone. This is the first time I've ever posted on anything like this. I just recently discovered that my fiance is emotionally abusive. He's been doing it for several years and I knew it was bad...I guess I just didn't make the connection that it was abuse until last week. I just feel empty right now. I don't know what to do. He's not outwardly critical of everything I do nor does he get physically abusive. It's so much more subtle that I almost feel silly for even thinking about leaving. But I do. I long for the day that I can move out and set up my own apartment with our son. The problem is that he's got anger problems. He goes into rages over stupid things. Somehow, it all turns around to be my fault. The moment I knew I had to do something was when he was mad at me for not feeling good so we couldn't go hiking that day and our son, who is almost 2, started yelling at me too. Of course, Oliver didn't know what he was saying or why he was yelling at me...he just saw his dad doing it and so he did. My son deserves better than that. I deserve better than that. But when I tried to talk to my fiance about it, he said he doesn't think he's so bad as for it to be considered abusive. How do you leave somebody that you love and have a child with, but at the same time know it's the best thing? Know what's sad? I'm afraid not of being alone but of having to deal with the conversation and arguing that will come when I tell him I'm leaving. I already know he's going to use the suicide threats, the talk of how I ruined his life, how I'm taking his son away from him. I know it's manipulation, but what if he's right? What if I'm blowing it out of proportion?

Need to leave but scared

Submitted by Newhappylife (not verified) on Tue, 09/18/2012 - 1:26pm.

The rule of thumb is if you feel nervous, uneasy and a knot in your stomach then it is abuse.... It took me years to "get it" everyone told me but I just thought my husband had bad mood swings and was mean at times. Now I know the difference. I am in the same boat as you.. I have 2 babies with this man. Been separated 2x and each time he promised to work hard on himself and change. Well we had a few good months ( honeymoon/manipulation phase) and then it just started again... I know I need to leave and find it so hard but I cannot allow my kids to grow up seeing this. They too will either become abusers or marry abusers if i don't stop the pattern now. Keep me posted and remember how light and free you will feel. You will regain yourself and be the best mother for your kids in a happy home.

Hi. I read what you wrote

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 1:11pm.

Hi. I read what you wrote and it was like myself talking. You sounded like me to a "T". I am in the same place about wanting to leave, still needing to get my financial independence by getting a job first and living day to day with this man who has been controlling me and making me unhappy and wrestling with the mental manipulation he deals out to me about wanting to seperate and divorce. I try to fight it off but he hsa been doing it for years and it plays on my guilt. I want to know other people who are like me who can encourage me and tell me I'm right, too. Thanks. Cheryl

I cant take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by MWL (not verified) on Mon, 08/20/2012 - 4:06am.

I have read quite a few of the comments and I just want to thank you ladies. Cause thru your trials and tribulations I felt the silent strength thru your words. And I feel like my situation which is so similiar to many of your yours. I will make it thru.

I've read all of your stories.

Submitted by Jessica (not verified) on Sat, 08/18/2012 - 1:35pm.

As I read through all these sad situations it occurs to me how much control we have lost over our own lives. Why are these men so important to us that we will put up with verbal and even physical abuse? Do we value ourselves that little to let another person control our emotions our moods our every actions? Do we like that feeling we get in our gut when we know he is going to have another episode? Your gut twists and your body tightens and your bowels drop. Really? There is a beautiful world out there, with someone or alone, who cares. Your kids deserve to grow up happy and healthy. They deserve a mother who stands up for herself and for them. If you aren't financially secure, go get a job, anywhere! Live frugal for a few years, beauty in the world is free. Save money, go to school if you have to, don't go to school if you don't want to. Just do something! Move on free your mind and your heart. I started running, this coming from a person who has never ran in her entire life. But three months later I'm doing it! I'm getting back my relationships with my friends if that is impossible make new ones. Go to support groups. Talk to people, don't be ashamed. Just get away! If you have children you will need to see him again. You do not have to interact with him you don't even have to speak with him. If you need to pass on information about the kids, write it down hand him the note and walk away. There is life after abuse, just don't go looking for it again. Move on get up and get out! Love yourself!

advice on how to live after you leave your abuser

Submitted by Rosex5 (not verified) on Sun, 08/12/2012 - 8:12pm.

So I am no longer in the abusive relationship with him I finally found the courage to leave my husband behind pack myself 5 children to station wagon cross country to get support from my mother and her husband with my children to start over I suffer from severe depression I know joy life at all. I don't know how I blocked it out but I marry a man who was just like my mother she is still very verbally abusive and likes to gossip about myself in my children and I'm extremely negative fashion to anyone and everyone I work full time my children are in sports how to graduate high school what is honor student I don't drink I don't do drugs I also don't have friends don't go out outside taking care of my children she likes to remind me all the time about a failure I am no she doesn't know how anybody could be happy being someone like me I don't have enough money to get online the living with her is making the depression worse the only way out with me to give up my children to their father was exactly like her and there I would be a buffer to protect them I don't know what to do

Emotional abuse...

Submitted by Jessica (not verified) on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 9:01pm.

I also have been emotionally abused in many ways from my mother and all of my significant others. I choose to overcome all the obsticals I have gone through and to learn not only from them but from myself. Why am I choosing to surround d myself with negative people who are obviously insecure about themselves enough to feel the need to project their issues onto me? Why would I stick around or allow someone else to put me down and tear me apart when I know I do my best and I have tried so hard to become a wonderful person, mother, friend and partner? There is no good answer. Once you really realize who you are and what you are capable of, no one can hurt you, eventually you find someone who supports you or treats you as an equal or you just enjoy being alone with the wonderful person you have become! If your mother doesn't accept you as you or can't see who you truly are and who you've become then just be sure to break that chain! Do not carry this behavior onto your children or onto anyone you have any influence with. You are your own person and the only thing you can control is yourself and your choices. Once you find yourself and accept yourself will you ever be free...

abusive partner, living in France,

Submitted by Nikki Everett JoyGuest (not verified) on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:38am.

I am English living in france, I have been through hell with someone whom I believe is Pathologicial as are his family. I got away but i am fighting for Custody of my small children, they are suffering terribly. he is very wealthy and done the most awful things to try and break me down. I have to keep strong but have no supportive family.bcbtw

Abusive partner

Submitted by Jessica (not verified) on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 9:15pm.

Seek a lawyer that deals with family issues. Money should not be a necessity! There are good lawyers that will help for a small fee if not pro bono. This is very important to deal with this in a fair and mature manner. You owe it to yourself and your children to not be bullied and have a healthy yet separate life with this man. Remember, this is their father and they will always love him, do not stoop to his level by involving the children in any negative discussions involving him or his family. There are laws and it does not require money to have a loving healthy relationship with your children. He will eventually ruin things for himself. One thing that is for sure, family go-betweens want what is best for the children. If you have a stable home and some sort of income, you are their mother. Most family courts favor the mother unless there is some sort of instability in the home. Don't let him break you down. He is out of your life the most he can do to you now is to try to make you feel what he wants you to feel, as long as you dont let him do it, he can't touch you! Be strong, be a good mother be good to yourself!

the key to coping well with verbal abuse

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 9:56pm.

I have found that every time my husband does something that bothers me I must give this over to the Lord Jesus Christ. this kind of detachment keeps my spirit and emotions free, untouched by evil and unruffled. And I feel great:-) Plus being very educated about verbally abusive men is key so you know all their tricks:-) My husband is in law enforcement so he has been trained in being abusive,so to speak 'I have lived through all. types of abuse and now since I began a 2 year war against it my husband has gone from daily verbal abuse to about once a month. PATRICIA EVANS has writtten 4 books on verbal abuse which are very good.

I didnt realize for so many

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 07/21/2012 - 1:36am.

I didnt realize for so many years I was being abused. First by my mom then by my boyfriend of 5 years. Growing up I always thought my mom was just a sad person who seemed angry all the time but now at 26 i realize how abusive my mother was to me all my life. First it started with your no good, you can't do anything right, you're sister is better than you, you won't amount to anything, you won't find a husband. It was very sad for me all those years living with her but I still didn't realize how abusive it was. I later realized that I became verbally abusive to her without realizing it. All the years of being abused turned into me verbally abusing her. It was very sad. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't live with her anymore. Till this day she scares me. I then went from one abusive relationship to another. My first boyfriend hit me and it was a sad and scary time. We abused eachother. It became so normal I didn't realize what it was. He finally broke free. I then started to date my second and current boyfriend who I have been with for 5 years. He started to abuse me 2 years into the relationship. Alot of his abuse consisted of name calling and belittling comments. Alot of time all I heard from him was your a f**king B**tch or shut the F**k up. I didn't know what to do at first. I just saw it as him being mad at me. It became so normal over the years I didn't realize i was being abused. I started to belittle him and the abuse escalated between the both of us. Recently we got into a huge fight and he actually pushed me. Grabbed me and through me against the door in attempt to kick me out of his home. It was very scary. I didnt see it coming but he started very slowly. First by raising his hand to me without hitting me, then actually pushing and hurting me. I was numb by everything. In a lot of pain I researched abusive relationships online and realized that all the signs of abuse has been my life since I've known it. I've been verbally abused my entire life which has recently resulted in physical abuse. I became so scared at the thought that I was being abused I asked my boyfriend to go on a break. I truly don't believe we will be together again. I don't know how i could make it work. I've never wanted to be away from someone so much since I lived with my mother. For the safety of myself. I'm seeking a support group and counselling in hopes that I will recover from all these years of abuse. I'm hopeful that I will heal. It just scares me so much that I have allowed and accepted a life of abuse without even realizing it. I pray for myself everyday.

Emotionally abused

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 07/16/2012 - 10:45am.

I do not know what to say. I feel like almost all of you. I feel trapped in my life and want to get out, but how??. I am full of fear of facing the new life that will come after all this. In 7 years, he has never hurt me physically but I know he has brainwashed me somehow despite I have realized he has and I have let him do it. It is weird, it's like I let go of my old self and though I do not want to, I don't know how to stop it. I want my old self back, but how can i get it back without leaving? I wil have to start over, but again?????? We have never done counseling but at this point i dont even think i love him anymore. It is horrible, life is passing me by, laughing at me, having fun and I feel like the miserable one, the one who wants to have fun, (reasonable fun, with my children) but can't, why??? I am soooooo sadddddddddddd.

Read this book "why does he

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2012 - 4:25pm.

Read this book "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft. Very enlightening...freaky if u realize your life is a book. 80% applied to me. I have laid down the law...this is the only way. If he makes one mistake i will leave him...he will then get serious and ill probably give another chance. After that i am done. Really..read the book.

Support Group in CHattanooga

Submitted by Amy Snyder (not verified) on Sun, 07/08/2012 - 6:28am.

Please send me information on how I can get involved in a local womens support group. I live in CHattanooga TN. I need help and do not have alot of money. Thanks, Amy

I don't know what to do!!!!!

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 06/27/2012 - 10:57am.

I feel like my life is falling apart I just got married Feb. 14 and I feel like this was the worst thing I've ever done in my life.I love him soooo much and so do my kids.The problem is that he yells,cuss,push,slap,pulls my hair,and hits me.I really don't know what to do!!!He grew up watching his Dad beat his mom and control her so I feel that's all he know. I know deep down he is a good person but he just had a messed up childhood.I don't want to leave him but I also don't like the way I feel when he is around me.I'm not scared of him at all but the things that he says and does to me makes me feel so worthless.I have no friends no job and no life.He goes thru my phone all the time and I hate that.He always thinks I'm cheating or trying to get back with my kids dad which is not true.I don't want to go to hell for leaving him I just want him to change.As of last night he is supposed to be moving out but I know when he gets off work he is going to sweet talk his way back in.I hate that I'm so weak and stupid.I used to look at people going thru what I'm going thru and be like why don't they just leave but I see now that it's not that easy.I'm scared that one day he is going to come at me and I'm going to end up flipping out and either me or him will really get hurt.Someone please give me some ideas of what to do to make all this better.

GO!!!

Submitted by Jessica (not verified) on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 9:40pm.

I sincerely hope you listen to me right now! I want you to read what you wrote here and I bet you will have the answer just by pretending that you were to give advice to someone else. Get out of there! I don't care what his mother, brother, father or teacher did to him! Get your kids get your things and get out of there today! If you have problems have the police help you leave. He pushes, pulls your hair slaps you etc.. Do you think anything is going to become good out of this? I understand it's a hard thing and it's not going to be easy but do you want to continue living this way? Do you want your children learning this behavior? He will not change, and if for some miracle he does, good let him change years down the road with someone else but don't you let him destroy you. It is better to be a good mother ALONE than to be a dead mother. People get killed everyday! I know what you are thinking "He could never go so far and kill me" yes he could! Who knows what sort of damage has been done to your children's emotional states! Do you want them witnessing this type of abuse done to their mother? Please go and go now. Be strong, be crazy and get out get a divorce get away from this man. I pray you haven't had children with him and if you have I suggest you document every incident and if possible have witnesses so you can keep your children as far away from him as possible. Good luck, you can do it!

I feel so sad reading this. I

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 07/21/2012 - 1:50am.

I feel so sad reading this. I truly think you must leave this person behind. Like you said he grew up seeing his parents abuse eachother now your children are seeing their mother get abused. It will become a vicioius cycle. Please find the strength inside yourself to walk away. I have been abused myself and i know exactly how hard it is to leave but you must. I asked my abuser for separation. Even asking to be separated was scary for me but it`s my tactic to slowly break free. If you don`t leave for yourself or for him please leave for your children. Just remember you are loved and people who truly love you will want to seek help to be better for you. Your husband must seek help but you can`t stick around until he gets better. You must leave until he gets better. If you love him see that he needs help and he is not healthy enough to maintain a healthy relationship right now. My heart goes out to you and your children. Please find the courage to leave. Join a support group and seek therapy. Do anything you can to protect yourself and the life of your children. They may not realize the abuse yet but one day they will and it will hurt them. I grew up with a father who abused my mother and a mother that in turn abused me. It was very scary for me. Now as an adult i find myself being abused by my partner as well. I am doing everything in my power to break free. I really want you to do the same. For your life and your children. I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. Just remember you are loved. Surround yourself with people who love you and treat you the way you deserve to treated.

Reached my point but, now what?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 05/27/2012 - 10:13am.

Hello ladies. I am so, so sorry for anyone who has been through an abusive relationship. I personally have never been in a healthy one (I am co-dependent) and though my husband managed to convince me that he would always be supportive, he is an alcoholic and a mentally and emotionally abusive person. When I met him four years ago, I had been single for a year and VERY strong and happy. I had managed to rid myself of an 8 year abusive relationship and get on my feet mentally and financially. I think my husband could sense my vaulnerability and preyed on it in hind sight. Aside from the thousands of dollars my husband's alcohol abuse has caused us in legal fees (oh yes, he's THAT sort of addict) he has manipulated me into a position where I am working only part time and will have to lose my home when we divorce. I am scared, and trying to find a roommate or less expensive home for me and my only children (my 3 dogs) which is impossible. The worst part is, he stays out all night and won't leave. I've asked him to move out, to just be my room mate until we can find a better circumstance but, he won't even talk about it, blames me, puts me down and just sleeps on the couch. I want to move on sooo desperately- seeing him physically nausiates me. I am also experiencing depression for the first time in my life which I believe is related to the massive amounts of exposure to babies I've had lately and my sadness that that has never been a responsible option for me. Any suggestions for support groups, modes of getting on your feet and/or getting him to civilly handle this situation or, will I have to be brass, and stern? Thank you all... God bless and keep you!

Abusive husband

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 06/26/2012 - 2:38pm.

I'm so sorry for you. I'm going thru something similar except mine doesn't stay put and isn't an alcoholic . He's just mean. Do u have any family? I know I don't so it sucks!! Does he chip in on bills? Just try to keep your head up and I'll say a prayer for you.

abusive husband

Submitted by Jean (not verified) on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 9:50am.

So, as a Christian, what do I do about this? We are both Christians, I know I am. But I don't think I can take it anymore. I have been married for 34 years, but the last several years, he is getting worse. He is mean, belittling, stingy, and I don't even know how to leave. I have no money to start over alone. I trust God and don't believe in divorce, but I am starting to doubt my own sanity. I need encouragement and advice.

Jean

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 07/06/2012 - 8:44am.

Hi Jean, I too am a Christian. I don't have my bible with me so I can't quote it, but know that in it there are certain circumstances where God understands divorce. I have read it just recently because I was concerned about my own fate after divorcing a man who was emotionally abusive towards me and our three children. I have been divorced two and a half years now. Just pray about it and talk to people around you that you can trust. When I finally did that, I was able to get the help I needed to start over on my own. It's not easy, but no one deserves to be abused and emotional abuse is very REAL. I will keep you in my prayers.

verbal abuse

Submitted by Kathy Brady (not verified) on Fri, 12/02/2011 - 6:05pm.

I really don,t know were to begin, I,ve been unhapply married for35 years.My husband has a temper and he gives into it, and he takes ever thing out on me. He yells at me calls me names, tells me my house is a mess, tells me to leave all the time, When I talk to him , he,ll snap at me he,s has belittle me in front of my son , has no respect for me, I feel like I,m doing something wrong right now, like I,m going to get in trouble,The other day our dog was barking at something under the couch,, so he ask me if I gave him something, no I didn,t, so I went to look and see what it was, It was a dog toy, so he said to me what did you put it under there, no I didn,t , , HE said u took it out of the room so u must of put it there , I didn,t put it under the couch, oh your lying to yourself, so I said something he got mad ,got up got in my face and yell I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE F--- UP, I told him that I didn,t do anything wrong so why are you yelling at me, some more words were said , he got up again and yell even louder to shut the f--- up, I WALK OUT OF THE KITCHEN,spoke to him once he still says I put the dog toy under there I said to him whats the big deal if the toy was under the couch, he said to me , its because your lying to yourself you won,t amit you did it, I don,t know what to do Things like this goes on all the time, I,ve had talk to him for 2 weeks now, I don,t talk to him he dosen,t yell at me or put me down. And just think he love to talk about god , always listen to gospel show on t.v. and things like that good cover -up, I had did some dusting and I had move a few things around ,just put them more together, the boss said to me I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY STUFF, DON,T TOUCH MY STUFF, IF YOU TOUCH MY STUFF , I,M GOING TOUCH YOUR STUFF, I wonder always what I,m doing wrong,I know I,m not but I feel like I,M doing something wrong, I,m really nervors writing this,I don,t know what to do, My son is 18 now,so I need to stand -up and be a women not a little girl but I don,t know how, because this has went on my whole life, my mom was abuse too me too the only differents between my mom and my husbands is my mom beat me, but they both verbal abused me, And I was told its my fault you let me do it too you, my husbands said that to me, well thank you for listening to me, hope you have a great day. Kathy Brady

My husband of 32 years is

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/25/2012 - 7:06am.

My husband of 32 years is very verbally abusive to me. He has cheated on me many times and tells me to get over it. I have a son who is learning disabled and a older daughter who is married with a new baby that knows but looks the other way. She does hate her dad though. People don't realize how these men control us. I gave up talking to him. I simply gave up any communication with him and his family.He has pushed me a few times and also hit me a few times but I feel if I don't speak he gets less agitated.

Emotionally scarred

Submitted by Nini (not verified) on Tue, 11/01/2011 - 6:07pm.

I'm so sorry you ladies have gone through this. I feel like I have similarities in my abuse and then, not so much. My husband was into me sexually, and generally was nice UNTIL he would snap. Something I did set him off. It was never on purpose, and all I did was try to constantly please him, but there was always something I didn't do well enough and that made me an idiot. He was passive aggressive and couldn't admit to when he was actually being a jerk. He said he was "tough" and I was "hypersensitive". He told one of our mutual friends this, so as to excuse his actions. Berating me is not me being hypersensitive. Its verbal and emotional abuse. Mocking me and putting me down because I didn't wash your shirts properly or because the eggs were undercooked, or because I wore heels on our honeymoon and looked slutty, is not ok. He threatened to divorce me on our honeymoon because of what i wore. And managed to ruin every holiday and both my last 2 birthdays with his meanness. I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time. I finally had a nervous breakdown and spent the night in the hospital, in which he never came to see me because "everyone would blame me". He walked out on me because I had to pee at a broadway play and took too long ON my birthday. And now, I don't know what normal is anymore. When I'm late to things, I panic. I feel like everyone is looking down at me like I'm some loser. Anyhow, after one year of marriage, I just filed for divorce and NOW he is all sad that I broke his heart. AND I still feel guilty about it. I need to not have a conscience, but then again, this is who I am. I can't suddenly hate someone. I feel sorry for him for treating me this way, because obviously there is something sincerely wrong with him to keep shitting on me this way. I feel like I've tried so hard to be a good wife and to have him look at me with pride, and the only time he does that is if i look like an arm prop in front of friends and colleagues. If any of you have any suggestions or support, I would like to hear it. I can't feel guilty anymore for sticking up for myself. I threw him out in August and now have the bills of a house, and 6 animals. I'm barely getting by, but atleast I'm not being mocked anymore.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 8:21am.

im still finding it hard to actually accept that the man i loved more than anythiing, my favortie person ever, was never going to stop hurting me or suddenly gain a conciense and act sorry and show it;.I kept thinking, surely he wont, he couldnt hurt me again, not now but it was endless.From ignoring my calls for up tio week at a time, snapping at me, taking everything i said in a negative way, make comments that put me down and would say it was a joke after but this happened alot.Totally blank any time i tried to talk bout my feelings, if i cried,still he was blank, not even looking at me, alot times hegot angry and left me upset.all ive wanted is his arms round me, and even when i beggged in tears, he sat with his back to me for over 20 min, before snapping 'come here then', 2 seconds later the offer was gone and i was hearing how it al my fault.The reason i was upset that time was because id woken him up, he said t me 'u alrite' , i simply smiled at him and th next thing his mood changed and he turned away.Then it was ' i speak t u and u ignore me. blah blah and even tho i tel him i didnt, he isnt interested in makin up. he never has anything to say and def never gets into conversation with me an i realised just how 'mute' he was with me when i saw him with friends/others..he wakes up every time in a bad mood, doesnt speak to me or even look at me for ages n when he does, its not alot.he wud jus snap n say it cos it was morning, so i tiptoed around n oput up wit it until i stayed at his place 1 time and his mate woke us up at th door, he shouted at me for something, told me shut th fuk up cos his matesa, left me in bedroom, let them in and was total opposite, laughing, chatty, that hurt.cant think th last tym he woke up n was happy to c me.never looked happy to see me.lost that exited tone in voice when we spoke on phone, spoke to me as hbe wud a mate,hardly kisses me, says he isnt into cuddles like i am, but he used to be.he is selfish in bed, no foreplay, no interest in my body at all anymore. never tells me i look nice, smell good or anyrtyhing. did he ever care, did he enjoy hurting me and why did he do it. im so alone, he has broken every part of me, i dont even like me anymore cos i dont no who i am.IM SCARED

Your story is exactly the

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/20/2011 - 11:23am.

Your story is exactly the same as mine. It hurts to the core. Nothing is ever right with my husband. He never seems pleased no matter what I do. He shows absolutely no positive emotion at all to me. I don't know what to do anymore. Truthfully I don't think there is anything I can do. I have even asked him point blank why doesn't he love me like I love him and he doesn't respond at all. I miss the old me so much, but I just can't seem to find her. We never spend time with my family only his, and at times I think that since it is ok for him to treat me like he does they do it to. I am not perfect and at times I guess I give him a hard time, but he is just relentless. Everything is a joke or he is just teasing. They all think that I am stupid and believe everything that he tells me. They think that I don't know the sudden change of subject when I walk into a room isn't about me. He tells me I am crazy and paranoid or I am guilty and that is why I feel that way. He says no one is talking about me they all love me. The only thing they love about me is their ability to walk all over me and take advantage of me whenever they want. The only people who ever praise me are my mother and his mother. I have to go wherever he goes or he pitches a fit. Then when I take longer than he likes for me to get dressed he says I am trying to win a beauty contest or he wants to know who I am trying to impress. The sad thing is I used to want to impress him and hear him say I am beautiful or look nice, but now I do try to impress others so I can get some sort of compliment or complimentary looks from others. We have a four year old daughter and I am so afraid she will grow up and think that this is exceptable behavior. I tell her all the time that when she grows up to never let a man keep her from her family or make her feel like she needs his approval for anything. He tells me that he knows no other way to show his love than working and supporting us and that should be enough. Sometimes I think he says that to make me feel guilty because I stay home with our daughter, which by the way is what he wants me to do. He tells me all my feelings are in my head or that I put words in his mouth to change what he says into something different. I saw a text on his phone from another man accusing my husband of sleeping with his wife. I left the text on his phone so he could see it and I said nothing to him. He asks me later why I wasn't talking to him and crying. I just shrugged my shoulders and told him nothing was wrong and walked away. He then said if I was acting that way about the text that it was just a joke and the man didn't even have a wife. The next day I texted him that I didn't believe him and not to bother driving home from work this week. I also told him that unless he needed to know something about our daughter or our house not to call. He texted me back that he never has cheated or talked to anyone else unlike me and that I had a guilty concseince. He called me a drama queen. We were seperated a couple of years ago and while we were seperated I did sleep with someone else which I told him about. So I texted him back what did he want to do. He asked me what the f**k was that supposed to mean. So I replied that I now know how he feels about me and why would he want me around. So he calls me screaming and hollering about being tired of all this petty shit he was trying to work. All he does is try to support this family and make me happy. He just doesn't know what else to do and he is tired of trying to figure it out. All he has to do is act like he is happy to see me when he gets off work or wakes up in the morning. It would be nice for him to want to spend time with me for a change. Why can't we do anything as a couple? How about a card on my birthday or any holiday or maybe just becase he loves me and wants to express it? Why can't he say I am proud of you or I just can't believe you got on the roof of the shed and trimmed all the trees and swept all the leaves and limbs off. How about your doing a good job and I am honored and blessed to have you in my life.

Support Group For Women: Emotionally Abused

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