I Hated Having Sex With Him

Posted to Community by Delaine Moore on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 6:36am

It's a taboo subject in our culture: Married women, who dislike -- even hate -- having sex with their husbands.

It's a subject usually held in silence, behind embarrassment, confusion, sometimes even apathy. It's consoled with inner placations, like "There's more important things in a marriage than sex", or "This is just a phase" or "My attraction will increase when the kids are older."

But at the back of minds, a thought lingers: What if this is forever? What if I'm abnormal? What would outsiders think if they knew the truth about "us"?

Well I'm going to come right out and say it: I despised having sex with my husband when we were married. And I'm not saying this to suggest that he was a bad person or I was a bad person, it was just my truth. And there were many reasons contributing to my disinterest:

Exhaustion from having three kids in diapers
Hormonal changes from pregnancy
Not feeling sexy/desirable in my skin
Feeling pressured to have sex and thus, like an "object"
The emotional disconnect we experienced outside the bedroom rolled into the bedroom
And many others...

Add up all the reasons and basically what it came down to is that I emotionally "closed" to my husband... and soon my legs followed.

That's not to say I didn't try -- in fact, I participated anyway, knowing full-well that if I didn't, emotional retaliation would follow: He'd be grumpy, mean, sarcastic, accusing. It was easier to just close my eyes, smile, pretend... and mentally go somewhere else.

I'm sure that my disinterest in sex, which I come clean on in my upcoming memoir, isn't something all women – married or divorcing – can relate to.

But now that I’m four years into my divorce I DO understand that my body is a source of wisdom unto itself; that it’s worth listening to and honouring; for now, I see that it knew my marriage was in serious trouble before my head and heart figured it out. And I’ll never disrespect myself and my body in that way again.

Comments

Much Needed Confirmation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 02/12/2012 - 5:38pm.

After reading some articles on this page I feel a little sense of relief for the time being seeing that divorce seems to be a rollercoaster of emotions. My husband and I have only been married for 2 years, I am only 27, and for the past year we have been working so hard to make our marriage "work". We tried some medication (attempting to control anger issues with my husband), we began monitoring alcohol which did not work (triggering me to realize and start to see some of these problems that he had not shown me until we were already married) , from there counseling, and finally trying to cut alcohol out all together. Each time we made it several months moving in a positive direction but it always came back to him struggling to control the drinking which increased his anger and then led to verbal abuse and fights. All throughout this process my body shut down not wanting to be physically intimate with him because even though we were making efforts to improve our marriage I could not imagine someone that loved his wife would speak to her or treat her that way. Exactly one year after we began this process I had several "everything was happening for a reason" events and I could no longer deny what my body had been telling me a year before. I am still trying to make the divorce decision and found this website which has been great this far. I want to move on with my life and am so tired of this never ending cycle. Hopefully there will be a change in the future.

It's hard to admit

Submitted by Karen (not verified) on Sat, 02/11/2012 - 1:59pm.

I am currently going through a separation, initiated by my husband. We have been married for 7 years and together for 13. Something happened after we got married, I'm not sure what, but sex has never been the same. I have been disgusted at times and have found myself fantasizing about other thoughts. I really hate that this is true because he's not an evil person and has always been affectionate and loving. I agree with the writer that the body knows trouble before your head does. It's instinctual. It's just hard to come to terms with it and not feel that I am responsible for the lack of intimacy that led to the break down of the marriage. It's not that I didn't crave or need the physical intimacy, it's that it never felt right or safe. Even now I crave his physical intimacy knowing full well that if it were to happen I would hate it. I'm sure this will take years of therapy to work out. Thanks for the article.

I completely understand

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 9:44am.

I felt the same way about having sex with my ex. It felt like an invasion of my privacy to have sex. It felt like such a lie. I would just do whatever I could to make it end as soon as possible (even if it meant faking it). Sometimes I would silently cry afterwards. He would have no idea. My husband wasn't evil or anything, it was just that we had no emotional connection anymore, and therefore I felt no physical connection. It didn't help that the only time he touched me was in the bed. There was no cuddling or kissing any other time. Given his constant criticisms of me outside the bedroom, it felt false for him to then want to have sex with me. I felt like an object. I felt like he wasn't making love to me because he was attracted to me, I was just a means to an end.

I can relate to everything

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 02/11/2012 - 10:13pm.

I can relate to everything you are saying in your post. In fact, the "means to an end" statement hits home. I've been separated for a year and half, we were married for 16 years, and we have 3 kids (oldest 14, youngest are twins 6.5 years old). Our emotional connection died long ago, and I too felt like an object needed to satiate a physical desire. He was controlling which is one of the reasons I resented him. It just deteriorated over time. I'm glad to hear there are others who feel the same, as I have questioned what is wrong with me.

I Hated Having Sex With Him

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