How To Handle A Verbally, Emotionally, Abusive Ex-Husband

Posted to Community by First Wives World on Tue, 05/22/2012 - 8:59am

The subject of "how do you deal [and co-parent] with a verbally, emotionaly abusive ex-husband" was recently asked by a member of the social network and the community responded with a wealth of suggestions and advice. In particular, one member wrote an extended response, providing unique and invaluable insight on the subject. Below is her response to several specific questions that were asked.

Will He Treat The OW The Same Way He's Treated Me? First of all, a great big YES, he is, or soon will, treat the new woman in EXACTLY the same way he treated you. So stop thinking that somehow she has the magic formula, or is better in bed, or has charmed him so completely, that he has miraculously changed his ways and will be a loving and kind partner. It isn't happening and it isn't going to happen. Oh, he may be on his best behaviour for a while, but he can't maintain that good guy behavior indefinitely. It's mentally impossible for him to become a "nice guy" with women. Trust me on this one.

Why Does He Do It?: Because he thoroughly enjoys it. And I mean THOROUGHLY enjoys it! It's his "fix". Think back to when you were with him; think about the patterns that took place. I'll bet you money there was a pattern like a roller coaster with some ups and then the downs. The "ups" kept you hooked and the "downs" drove you to the brink. Now think about how he was after one of the "downs". My guess is that he was calmer and seemed more normal. That's because, when an abuser finally gets you to "break" (cry, scream, throw something) they know they have "won" and they experience a sense of calm from having "scored" a hit.

As I have often said, for an abuser the game of verbal and psychological abuse is like going fishing for them. They control the pond. They toss out a little bait. Then they increase the bait. Once you've been hooked because you're trying to rationally respond to the nonsense, then they begin to "play the line" just like a fisherman. They let a little line out so that you think things are OK or you're getting your point across. Then they jerk the line and you start wriggling, so to speak. They let out a little line and you calm down, then they jerk the line, and so on, until you finally "lose it" and they can be calm again because they've "landed" the fish.

Now, How Do Handle The Abuse: This takes some time and commitment on your part because it's a skill that has to be learned, but it can be learned. I know because I came from an abusive childhood, married an abuser and after nearly 20 years made the decision that I had to get myself and my daughter out of it.

Take some time to be alone and quiet and mentally learn to see your Ex as a stranger. I sometimes suggest that you mentally put a plexiglass tube over him so that you can see his ranting and waving of arms but you can't hear a thing he says. Teach yourself to "view" him as though you are merely looking at someone across the room at a restaurant, a museum, a grocery, a gas station, you name it. A complete stranger that you merely observe and have no reason to inter-act with.

Lastly, teach yourself to not be drawn in. There is no "rule" that says you have to open email. There is no "rule" that says you have to allow your Ex to know your email address, phone number etc. If there are small children then you may need to have some contact, but YOU can choose if, how, and when to respond. By letting yourself be drawn in you are keeping the old pattern going. Get rid of the old pattern(s) by changing your reaction 180 degrees. He knows all your buttons to push, so learn to react in a way that is completely different from how you have always reacted.

Here is an example (based on my real exerience):

Him: "I should call the attorney and tell him that you're.........."
Me - Old response: "That isn't true! You know it isn't true! You're just trying to cause trouble!"
Me- New response: First a long pause of silence, and then, said very calmly and quietly: "If you think that is what you should do, then you should do it."

This last part is the most difficult for us victims of abuse to understand because we think we're caving in or letting "them" win. Quite the contrary. They honestly don't have a clue what to do when you don't react in the same adversarial way they behave, because being adversarial is the only way they know how to deal with people.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps. I know so well how incredibly frustrating it is to deal with abusers; they tried to ruin my life (and by extension, my daughter's life) but they didn't win. I have a nice life without any abusers! (And yes, I did have to sever all ties with my abusive family). All the best to you.

Comments

two sides to every story

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2012 - 10:00am.

while you see alot men being this way there are equally enough women out there doing the same to men in different ways. I was kicked out of my house and forced to leave because my ex decided she wanted to cheat. this was two years ago. since then she has tried to break my spirits and be the most vindictive person ever. She has called cps twice for sexual abuse which were proven false both times, kept my child from me despite getting warnings from different judges that if she keeps on that she will lose custody. I have racked up a 20k lawyer bill in just two years. i have court ordered phone call and when i call all i get is the child doesnt want to talk and im not forcing them to talk. ive had to get in our papers every single holiday (major and minor) laid out because she cannot be a nice person and share time with my child. my cilds birthday came around last year and i called a week ahead and asked if i could see him in the afternoon to maybe take him to get mcdonalds.. the whole time i got well i'll think about it. day before the ex calls and says...we will be busy you'll have to do a birthday dinner on your time. i work for the fed. gov and therefore get alot of time off. i can't remember what holiday it was that i was off, i called to see if i could get him and again...i'll have to see what i have planned. she doesn't even get that holiday off. so the day before she calls and says we will be busy. so when i get up i called the daycare to check on my son and guess what...he's at daycare. approximately five minutes passed and i get a text from her saying im stalking because i called to check to see if my child is in daycare.wtf. Yes i dont get mad as hell at her and yes i probably do get abusive emotionally with her because nothing works with her despite court ordered papers im never imformed of my childs activities, when he's sick etc. so i do think that some women deserve the abuse. you reap what you sow.

"so i do think that some

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 11/10/2012 - 9:23am.

"so i do think that some women deserve the abuse. you reap what you sow." No real abuse is deserved. If you are responding in a rational way, and it is called "abuse" then that is one thing, but to say that women deserve abuse says something about you.

Just growing my backbone

Submitted by RMM (not verified) on Mon, 10/29/2012 - 6:44am.

In September I ended my 7 year relationship with my boyfriend/fiancee, I met him when I was 19 and he was 24. From the beginning he usually took charge of the relationship, always asking me to spend time with him even when I had class or had plans with my friends. After a while all I wanted to do was be with him, then he would tell me that I was too clingy and he needed space, so I didnt call, speak or see him for a whole week. While I was at work he called me wanting to know why I did not contact him, I told him I was giving him his space, he tells me "I didn't mean that much space". As the relationship progressed so did the fights, finally we brokeup and he ended up getting drunk and getting one of our co-workers pregnant, when I found out we were back together and when he told me I was devastated, he just sat there and said he was sorry with no real regret, about a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant too, the girl ended up disappearing because she did not want to be with him. So we were happy together excited that we were going to be parents, but during my pregnancy he was cheating on me and blaming me for it telling me all I cared about was the baby, that I got pregnant on purpose in order to keep him, that I was neglecting him. When my son was born we were happy, but then we would hit another low point he cheated on me twice and even got someone pregnant while we were together and yet like the idiot in love I still stayed with him. On our 2nd anniversary he was living in another city trying to start a new life for us while I was living with my dad finishing college and taking care of our son all by myself. I found out he was seeing another woman in the other city while still maintaing a relationship with me. I broke it off when the other woman confirmed the relationship. I was a mess, but I had to be strong for my child, I was going to school fulltime, working part-time to pay for daycare and to have money to pay for food and gas money and other expenses. I started getting happy again with out him, I ended up losing 30 pounds 20 of which was left over baby weight, he back to town to see my son and when he saw me he told me I looked good and that he was a mess without me that the other woman meant nothing, so again like a fool I got back together when I moved to the other city with him I found out he was still seeing the other woman, that is until she called for valentines day and I answered. We would fight constanly he would blame me for his want to be with other women, either I was too demanding or i was not showing him enough that I loved him, or he felt forced to be with me because I was the breadwinner or because we had a child together, he would get very scary during our fights he would yell at me hit the walls with his fists throw things at me one time he even pushed me, but when I would threaten to leave he would change and say he didnt mean it that he loved me, he was very sorry and he was nothing without me. We eventually moved to Austin where we were finally doing well that is until I became the breadwinner fulltime and he would stay home and barely do anything around the house, playing video games, waiting 30 minutes before I get home to clean or cook, sometimes my son would be sitting in a dirty diaper for god knows how long. I would get tired of it and I would complain and then we would argue, sometimes so bad that he one time he threw a cordless phone at me and my son I moved out of the way and he made a hole in the wall behind me, one time while I was cleaning my son found his cigarettes and broke the entire pack, when my ex found him he nuts he was flipping furniture over yelling at my son who was 2 at the time, telling me I was a terrible mother, when he left to buy another pack I grabbed my son and made a run for it taking him to a park. He called me telling me what was wrong with me taking my son away from him that he was going to call the cops on me for kidnapping, afraid that my son would be taken away from me I went back home to him crying saying he was so sorry that he didnt mean it, but I wanted out and when I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, he ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife saying he was going to kill himself if I left him, that he could not live without me. Again I stayed thinking he would come to his senses and see that we are not goot together, but he actually was good for a while to a point that I thought he changed, we had another child and we were happy, we would bicker, but nothing to serious, but then he started with his old ways again, he was unemployed again, I was working he started to talk to other women, he stole money from me and took his friends out instead of making my car payments and this point in time we were engaged, I found out about the affair and I was fianlly done. I ended the relationship and he was in agreement,until he called me because the other woman dumped him, I told him was happy we were broken up he tells me "I never said we were broken up" apparently I had no choice in the matter. I was mad at him for a very long time until he buttered me up again, we were happy again for another year when we started fighting again at this point I was only in the relationship because I was afraid of being alone so i would try to make him work it out with me even after we were driving to take the kids trick or treating when he asked me where my sons halloween costume was I told him out of frustration" You dont work, your are home every day, you should know where everything is" he started yelling telling me who the hell do I think I am, no one talks to him that way, he could hit me right now he doesnt care if he goes to jail all in front of my kids, finally i yelled back do it see what happens i dont care what happens to him anymore, he of course backed down. Things would get better again up until recently when he finally got a job after being unemployed for 3 years straight. We were finally not fighting at much, i no longer was invested emotionally anymore, but I did still somewhat love him but was keeping my guard up, I continued to plan our wedding thinking that if we were finally married I would start to care again and maybe my feelings for him would rekindle, but since he was working graveyard we hardly saw each other anymore I started to miss him we were excited about the wedding then I got that gut feeling that he was up to no good again and of course I found out he was seeing another woman, this time he took her with him to pick up the kids from school bringing her over to the house that I was paying rent for, I finally told him to get his stuff and leave, not to call me or come back. He finally did that he is living with his new gf who he has only known for about a month and he is trying to control me with the kids, he does not call to speak to them, ask how they are or if they need anything only when he is trying to showoff to his gf what a great dad he is, which is the total opposite. I applied for child support, when I told him he exploded telling me what the hell was I thinking that he is barely making it because he is paying for 2 other kids because with my kids he has 5, and that I am a evil woman that he should have left we a long time ago, that he had settled for me. How is he going to survive he cant afford his new rent and bills. Being away from him has proven to be good for me, I no longer come home thinking if we are going to fight or if he is seeing someone else, but since we have kids he constanly threatens to take them away from me. He had them last weekend, my kids told me that the new gf was taking care of them, while their dad was working, what scares me is he has a really bad temper, he does drugs and he has told me that the new gf is a drug dealer, so now I am trying to keep the kids from him so that they can stay away from him and have a good life, but I am in constant fear that he will come and take the kids and I may never see them again. So in a way he still has some effect on me and the weirdest thing is I am stuck in a lease with his grandmother and uncle who have said that they are on my side, but is still ackward because I feel like I have his own family against him, but he has burnt a lot of bridges that most of his family no longer wants anything to do with him, he has already lost a lot of friends because of his behavior. I just try to keep calm everyday and pray that my kids are safe and that he doesnt do anything stupid.

how to deal w an abusive ex when they have custody

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 09/27/2012 - 10:53am.

I have 2 kids w a man that i was married to for 1year. we have been divorced for 6years now.. I had to turn to him for help w kids bc i lost my job and ended up homeless (that was 2yrs ago) .. i have a place, and am back on my feet.. since i have had to ask him for help... it has been the same as when i was married to him except we live in seperate houses.. He does not make doc appt's for our 2 kids who are in elemtentary school.. (i make them) when important issues come up regarding the kids he says.. i do not know what you are talking about even when i have doctor notes as proof(i took my son to er for an issue).. when he dont get his way ..example i have kids 12 days he gets them 14days and we rotate that.. he will ask to have kids for overnight's on my 12 days w them.. i will say no bc he has them for 14.. he will text me cunt.. di.. wigh u torture deathe.. he has even showd up to my apartment pounding on my door for 30min yelling (my kids heard their dad yell) saying i was not allowed to have our kids.. we have met in public places and bc their was a little arguement w his mom during the exchange (she wanted us to rush bc our daughter was not coming w me and it was 1st time she never wanted to do, so my ex and i was trying to find out w, her & i got into an arguement bc i said "gosh forbid him & i get along for 5min and yes i told her to f---off and leave us along" he grabbed my arm, refused to let me leave, grabbed my bag of food and stopped on it and it went all over y daughter and i,grabbed our son, hit me while i was holding our daughter and he had our son in his arms, pulled my hair, and grabbed the glasses off my face... than his mother took my daughter our of my arms and refused to let me have her.. than another incident.. we was at another place in public exchanging our kids (he was bringing kids to me) he during exchange told me i was not allowed to have them.. i went to get my son out of his vehicle for my visit and he shoved me and grabbed my son out of my arms and told me i was trespassing... and again, refused to let me have our kids... another time.. we exchanged our kids at the police station in our town and he refused to let me have our kids unless i signed a paper agreeing to let him have our kids overnights on my 12 days w them,, he let our son come next to me but he held our daughter by the wrist and blocked her everytime she tried to come near me and he bluntly told our daughter that she was not to come with me unless i signed the paper.. soo i did sign than he said i did not sign it good enough and he refused to let me see the kids but bc it happend at police station and our daughter was yelling the police came and let me have our kids.. i did have to sight or he still refused to let me have them... and now he still text me di, torture death,, i never wish death on e=anyone except you when i refuse to let him have kids overnights or pick them up from school on my 12 days.. ive gone for help and tried getting a new order of protection but only thing the law guardian says and judge says is stop fighting and work on gettign along.... how do i get along w someone who treats me like that? my daughter is starting to hit and scream alot.. how can i teach her not to when she see her father hit me, etc during exchange? i been asked if i get an order protection do i wanna not see my kids.. i want to see my kids.. i want my kids.. but how can i when during exchange and when i have them my exhusband does this .. i have no one to exchange kids..and even when i tried having someone else exchange he has told me if its not me than i cannot have my kids.. please does anyone have any advice...

abusive ex husband

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 09/29/2012 - 9:43am.

I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I am presently dealing w/an abusive ex husband and we have joint custody. when it's your time with the kids, lock your door, do not let him in, do not let him have the kids. Call the police immediately if he refuses to leave. Call the police over and over, everytime he threatens, harms, yells, curses at you or your kids. Get a protective order. Talk to friends, anyone because you needs support. Learn how to stop reacting to his abuse. Ignore him and stay away from him as much as possible. Avoid contact with him as much as you possibly can. Don't allow him to know anymore information about you than is necessary, such as your email address. You cannot control him or what he does, you can only control yourself and your reactions. you have to be healthy and halfway sane for your children when they are with you. If you know that he is hurting your children and he is-CONTACT CPS!!!! This is all very difficult to do. We try to appease them, keep them calm, they suck us in and abuse and hurt us over and over and over and we feel helpless. But no matter how helpless we feel, we must TAKE ACTION to stop the abuse, to not allow ourselves to be sucked in and battered. Call the police, call CPS, call your family and friends, get support. Don't allow that BASTARD to do this to you anymore.

So sorry.

Submitted by Jennifer (not verified) on Thu, 09/27/2012 - 8:28pm.

This makes me cry. This is aweful. I am praying for your family and I am so sorry there are such beasts out there. Take care and keep praying too.

Need advice with abusive ex pertaining to my child.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 09/17/2012 - 8:26pm.

To start off he and I were never married, and when I got pregnant I was 16 and he was 26. I wouldnt allow my mother to press charges and now wish i would have. He was so very abusive not only verbally but emotionally and physically. It got to a point that i honestly believed that I would never be good enough for any one and I really did think it was normal since I had grown up with a drunk abusive mother. On top of all of this I am adopted to add to the blow and was in 13 different foster homes by the age of 3. I tried to leave several times and everytime he'd call every person I knew until he found me. Finally a girlfriend was moving out of state and asked if i wanted to come with her (my child 6 months old) and i quickly agreed packed and left over night. He eventually stopped calling then I came home. I needed help considering I was so young with no diploma and no real support system, so I applied for assistance through JFS. Eventually they wanted to establish paternity and He'd already been telling me for 3 years that there was no way that could be his child. When it came back that he was it's been unending hell ever since. I went to court to establish child support (176/mo) and he rarely pays it. I was allowing him to see my child once every other weekend, when I came to pick my child up I found a bowl with marijuana on the kitchen counter where any one of the 6 children present could reach that was charred therefore had been smoked! Mortified I picked up my child and left quickly. When I wouldnt allow him to see him for 3 months he was leaving terrible messages every day along with his mother. I told him that if I ever saw anything like that again that he wouldnt be seeing my child. Big suprise I go there to pick him up 2 weekends ago and it smells of marijuana, he introduced my son to his "sister" by a woman he barely knows as my childs sister. Now my 6y/o is confused he's been having behavioral issues which I'm worried are somehow related to why I have PTSD to begin with (his father). To top it all off with the games movies and toys that are meant for 13yrs plus that his father keeps subjecting him to, his brother (through his father) just recently told him that he was going to tie his mom (me) to a chair and rip up all of his toys. I went to the juvenile courts for the documents on our case and am trying to find a way to keep my son out of that environment b/c it is now effecting him mentally. They say there is no visitation order but I know that if I dont let him see him he will start harassing me and threatening me and I am terrified that he will do something physical to me my son my daughter or my fiance. I really don't know what to do!!! Please can someone give me advice. I feel like the longer my son is subjected to these things that the worse he is going to get and I have no doubt that he is beating up his current girlfriend he has every other woman hes dated! Or if not physical definately mental abuse. To top all of that his mom ( my childs grandmother) just had a mental breakdown saying how he should have aborted his children tried to stab his dog and broke out her own boyfriends car windshield. I have no rock solid proof of anything because I have always been to scared of doing anything in worry that he will retaliate and unfortunately he is no dumb man he knows how to cover his tracks, He knows how to pass drug tests without actually being clean, He is a smooth talker and can usually make any of his stories believable ie why I've allowed him to see our son at all! I can not take anymore but I just reall dont know where to start to do something. I tried calling child services and they told me there was not enough evidence against him! HELP!!!!!

How do you respond when he uses the kids as weapons?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 09/11/2012 - 9:56am.

My ex wants my son to participate in trapshooting. My son does NOTHING around the house and continues to get everything handed to him on a silver platter. I refuse to allow my son to participate because I am trying to teach him responsibility and accountability. So now my ex is saying my daughter is NOT allowed to her dance and cheerleading activities on the days that he has her unless I give in to my son's trapshooting league. My ex has offered to pay for the trapshooting and all transportation but since it falls on a Saturday, he wants me to NOT schedule anything on the Saturdays that I have my kids. Bottom line, I get threat after threat with the children. But how do you respond to those threats????

how to respond

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 09/29/2012 - 9:51am.

YOU IGNORE THEM!!! Never respond to threats-if they are violent/abusive threats, you record them and take them to the police. You get a restraining order. When you have your kids on YOUR time, he has NO RIGHT to say a word. You make plans with your kids or you just stay home and hang out with them. Taking them somewhere special and not letting him know would be best, and ignore his calls, texts, etc. keep them saved in your phone, show them to the police if need be. Let him know-without being reactive-that you will do whatever needs to be done to spend time and protect your children and yourself. STOP THE CYCLE OF ABUSE! Do not react to him. That's their way of controlling us. We cry, argue, plead, etc....it doesn't work. Ignore, keep your responses short and sweet, call the cops, call CPS, whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your kids.

Using kids as way of control

Submitted by Pam (not verified) on Thu, 09/20/2012 - 11:34am.

Hi I have simular situation and 1st want to tell you this is classic ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR OR NARCISSTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. I was married to the most horrible man I realize now for 18 yrs and the day I finally got divoved was the day hell began because I discovered things he was and is doing that have further abused us when not even living him. I used to be the tinest attractive gal in high school and still can say am but have been "brainwashed" and had "batterwife syndrome" due to one of he most "classic and severe cases of abuse seen in years" per my local DV hotline whom I begg you to call because they really are your best friends. My ex never physically hit me YET. He mentally, socially and sexually abused me to the point I had no friends of my own, was always to blame for EVERYTHING (and he still plays this}, my physical health has taken a toll big time but worse my poor now teen grew up with a shell of a human Father who choose his favorite one I have 3 and 1 is almost 18 and Autisic and lives in a group home, a girl (yes he neglected her and to this day I cannot talk about it without tears forming and I am not a crier), and beautiful almost 17 yo dauther that he belittled and downgraded at everychance while living together. She was a fireball and got right in this huge mans face and would ask him who her real Father was cuz she looks nor acts nothing like him, she knew I was right there and would let him have it should he contine the conversation, now she has a cold heart and doesn't want to talk about it, and I fear he playen her with the "honeymoon phase" as he tried with me the 1st time we split up in 2009 as will be ok and txt him back yet know she's scared to death deep down of him because I am so refuses to actually see him, then there is his golden child whom loves basketball and did Football untill he just couldn't do all these sports and pass in school and his migraine headaches were a weekly event due to lack of sleep or food. My ex was Asst Coach which he claim he volenteered all this time and where the money came from? But my now going to be 15 yo 5'10 son is also so confussed. He doesn't want a relationship like most normal divorced kids dream of their parents getting back together or at least being friends. OMG they couldn't wait till the divorce ink dried to get me to start dating again. Whick gf a whole diffent blog all together that I don't have the answers to at all. But the ex really zeroed in on the one thing he could connect with a kid and used it to really make my life a living hell. Because I still was being abused just didn't know it. I was very clear in the parenting plan I make all the decisions and he being so cocky and even above the law made some comment and SIGNED every legal paper. Then turned around and "barrowed" 5-7k to get a attorney to overturn my divorce (clld a CR 60) he claimed he was so under DURESS he signed the papers. Go look that up and keep in mind I am 5'4 about 108 lbs and he is 6'2 230 lbs of pure muscle now. So the nightmare still goes on. He's so mentally out there needs a prison suit and he can feel how it feels to have a man twice his size say to him "you give good head" for once feel what it feels like to be so scared you sound crazy when telling a person who claims to be your friend and he convinced her that maybe he was the victim and they all so away,,,,,best friends from hs and even your family will turn on you. The kids are the only ones who know the truth and poor things what happens is they so also believe his lies then learn (my kids did) in school now that "Abuse is more than just physical". So, they are embarrassed then inside scared this man will hurt you or them as taught and they need to know because when grow up will repeat what they know and the cycle repeats itself. Living with the two here was and still touch in go I have never been so devastated by one sentence as "That's stupid Mom" a totally normal snotty kid right at 14? No not in our cases it's the mini ex and how they were raised by them. Your immediate responce is rage and defense followed by devastation and hurt. 99% of the time his father has txt him "hey buddy I got a little extra cash ya wanna go get those basketball shoes for the season?" ok what kid would say no? But they don't understand he just caused a HUGE fight with the other I am gonna say girls in family since they are womanizers and we are only good for a couple things but the community would turn on you in a moment should you say the truth. But per the DV Hotline the cycle of abuse is already repeating itself though your kids. I got out of the relationship at 1st and mostly for them and then as usual I come last. I have blocked him from my cell and address. The kids do not want to see him or talk to him about their lives and so sad cuz every girl should think her Daddy's the best, not mine. They are silent or get rude when I ask them simple questions then go check the cell bill and yep he's txt them and on rare occasions calls them and they never answer alway a message. And who's fault is that? Per him I currupted them overnight! At age 14 my daughter begging me to leave him he was so mean to her and then behind closed doors I shielded them from his insults from their choice of friends to the length of hair. Now he still does but I am strong enough to fire back. I have to pick, hang up and let it fester due to my personality now restored I am a nice person, attractive and younger looking than I am or become silent and hope he will go away. He may but he won't with my kids so therefore until they physically are in my care or leave the house I must fight for them. Then the hardest part is when they walk through the door put on the fakeness and not say "I fucking hate him he's a unsafe perverted jerk" the court would get me there instead have to say if that bad a arguement (he loves to push a button then I explode and he hangs up on me cause I am out of control). but per the years of professional counseling say, your Dad said I am lazy and it hurt because I am not so going up to my room to calm down so I don't take it out on you. Then since I am NOT a liar I have to lie and say he does't think that of you thow, don't worry ok and if he want's to buy you a new coat or those basketball shoes that's awesome" big smile and a hug then change the subject to how was your day? However, they are old enough and he's hurt them and me enough to know better or would call him and go off on him like they used to thinking I would always stick up fo them, they don't know now so keep it inside. Here's final example before I let ya go and urge you to call a local DV hotline for validation your not the one it's HIM. My son loves basketball and is very good, a lot of that does come from my ex who taught him the skills along with how many fouls to get before being pulled out of game at age 14. My ex at the expense of my son's health and schooling for the last yrs has said "stilck with me I will get you around the right friends and Coaches and you will make the team no matter what" he even Coached because of him (bs he did it for attention, and to look good in the community-cuz continued to Coach post our break-up instead of trying to focus on a relationship with them). He began forcing (sons exact words not mine) him to be friends with kids he didn't like or the parents were drunks and acted like fools drunk post a tourneyment weekend while the boys ran wild until late at night then was my fault his grades failing and he had a migraine every Monday for 5 wks in a row till I took him to Dr who had to document the ex overscheduling him. But pumps up my son about now he can play school basketball (the years before were select ball so ran all year and the school again my fault for not pulling plug, but was the one thing that could have gotten me beat up so drew the line and prayed) for all summer then say's he won't make the team because he didn't hang out with the "in"crowd or go to the bball camps over the summer like he signed him up without my concent and per the parenting plan not ok. And my son wanted to have a break and never said he wanted to go so that made ex irate and again we all walk on eggshells? So sad the one thing ya don't do is set your kid up to fail do you? NO that's classic abusive just not a parent but as also told a bully. You have to get some validation and counseling from DV specialists only not just any Dr. (they might be abusive at home themselves). They have saved my life for real, but also know in court they will not speak for you or give you legal advice since some woman end up dead by consulting with them and their lives on line also if recognized by abusers in court. But you will at first feel pain as your son get's older and says something so teen and everyone will say "oh that's just being a teenager" still not ok to disrespect your Mom but break it down what he said (or daughter if you have one) why ya just can't let it go and will ruin a day but if you call any DV shelter or hotline (mine is 425 25abuse, but call the natl abuse hotling and they will also help you 24?7), don't waste your time on anybody else. But rephrase how you correct kids of DV I have to say to my son instead of usual "you many not talk to me like that EVER) he shuts down. I have to ask him "can you say that differently, cuz you just said in a way that made me feel like I am stupid" that makes him totally change his tune, he get's it cuz all his life the ex got those digs in there and ya get used to it and then beLIEve it. And careful with who you date because my struggle now is I attract what I got rid of, and other day said to myself on my birthday I spent pretty much my cell stayed silent since I axed out all the so called friends I helped when they needed me yet disappeared when I really really needed them. But I would rather be alone than spend one more second with a fake flower, letter or card. My kids are soon going to be on their own and I need to focus on helping them find healthy friends and partners. You can win your son back from someday his wife coming to you and saying she really loves your son but thinking of leaving him and taking your grandbaby to go live back with her parents because she thinks he just doesn't love her or has cheated on her and she can't take it anymore. How will you feel? Don't blame him......blame that abusive jerk who taught him ok to treat a woman like a doormat. But right now focus on them or him to be a example to mold him into everything your ex wasn't. I am so in love with my son because we have been through a lot and my daughter even though closed up it's Mommy she comes to when issues not her bio-logical Father. Teach him "girl secrets" like girls like it when you make them a card on their b'day and is on their door step 1st thing in the morning of their b'day NOT at 5pm at night because forgot was her b'day, my ex forgot my daughter's 13th bday and my golden child's son's 14th bday because I shut up and didn't cover up and do all the planning to save the heartache. My son's got more girls calling him and they wave at me and run up to the car when we go somewhere. But when I was in my brainwashed state I was I believe he told those parents "all he did was love me and I had affair (yep I did and 6 wks after went physical out he went, sad that I took him back) for 3 years" or "I am worried about her she takes to many medications and it's changed her personality I just don't know how much more I can hang in there for the kids" WHAT, the truth is yes I take medications for the physical issues and mentally due to his abuse BUT I am on pain contracts and the Drs' all know my story, HERES THE TOPPER found out he stole a xtra key to my safe and was taking about half my meds and led me to believe I was a druggie and the Drs. to. But when he said in bedroom when I confronted him watching porn while traveling was wrong plus taking from the money for rent. I asked him what do you even like or love about me you look at me with such hate yet in 2009s love letter said you lied in court and listed 16 true things about me and how smart I am only 2 were physical? His responce? "yeah you give good head" then the most evil laugh ever came out. No lie, I couldn't make that up if I tried. That was it, get out, get out, get out, he wouldn't then 911, get out (very calm-me which unusual and a coment like that every woman has asked me if I slapped him silly, well those are woman who don't understand he would have nailed me back then told police self defense) he packed random stuff...still waiting for me to do usual "it's my fault I shouldn't have said FU after you said that don't leave" nope, get out NOW. 911 said get back in your room your gonna make him come after you the officers are on site. Half hr later he's still packing crap he can get later, I open the front door and there aren't any police I freak out, my son's in livingroom totally no idea what's going on, I step out of door (stupid just left my kids in house with crazy drug addicted abusive asshole) then see objects moving all aroud the street by his car, the entire swat team in black out there. I got yelled out to get back in house. His parting words as I was throwing his luggage out doorstep to my son. "she's mentally ill and a drug addict". That traumatized my son so bad he wouldn't talk to me when I finally got him out of the house. Poor kids and poor ME. No idea what he had been doing right under my nose. Odd, about 2 weeks later he got "the flu" for about 2 weeks, yeah it's called withdrawls. Then he said to Dr he injured shoulder and back on rx's then got the "flu" again 6 mos later. And who was only person that brought him water and put it in his truck so he wouldn't get dehydrated? ME I was still beLIEving him that he was clean (on and off pain meds since 1999 per his letter and my journals). He hasn't stopped and that was 03/09/11. It's called online medical that the insur co promotes and not knowing the deal said I could ck my KIDS records cuz wasn't getting my mail? (uh he forwarded the familys addr without saying a divorce in place I just found that out a month ago) so was checking on my Autistic daughter's records and since I am protected the only one who comes up is ????????? Just get help from the woman who have been through it not they learned in a book and claim DV specialist. Don't trust anybody for real. I could go on and on and you will start to think I am out there. No, I am honest and finally the courts and US Postal Investigator, Proc Atty, Atty Gen for Child Abuse & Neglect. I don't need to do anything with them. But I do need to pay all the bills since his only control over me and kids and I gotta do something to stop it. Hope this helps for you to know that your son is a gift from God and your job to do whatever it takes to keep harm MENTALLY and physically from him. Do not give up ever on him, every days a gift not a given and who will have my kids should something happen to me? Take care you FIRST, it's weird I know but you just did by reading this. Also look up Narcissitic Personality Disorder online, you will be blown away.....

I dodged the bullet

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 08/21/2012 - 12:13pm.

I wasn't married but I was just 90 days shy of marrying him. God must have been looking out for me because I finally got the help I needed to get out of an abusive relationship, relatively unscathed. After getting engaged, we moved in together. So many like these other stories, I saw the early warning signs but I was either confused or in denial. He was so nice and sweet and always charming around other people. I was hooked for sure. My ex is successful and accomplished and I trusted him and his feedback. He made me believe that I was to blame for every fight and that there was something wrong with me. One day he would compliment me and say how lucky he is to have met me. Another moment, he would yell and curse me and saying hurtful things about me and the people I care about. Little by little, he began to reveal things about himself. First he tells me he thinks he's bi-polar and moody. Later he tells me he's on Paxil. Then he told me he smokes pot here and there. It turns out he's habitual. Every time we had a fight, he would go out and buy some pot and smoke incessantly. He told me that is how he can deal with me and the fighting. If it wasn't pot, he took Atavins (anti-anxiety drug) that pretty much put him to sleep. I would come home from work and he would either be spaced out on pot or passed out on Atavin. How fun is that? In the 6 months of living together, he got physically aggressive with me 3 times. That's 6 a year and one too many. I had to ask myself, what is my threshold. Why am I subjecting myself to this? He knew my weaknesses and played on that. I became progressively sad and depressed. I stopped going to the gym, started smoking and losing a ton of weight. Planning my wedding was not fun. He became more and more controlling about money. When we used to fight, he would take petty cash away from me, credit card and car key away from me. He threaten to kick me out of my own condo and refused to leave me until I pay him back for the shared expenses and money I owe him. He even took possession of my bank accounts. To make the long story short, he got arrested and charged for assault. I have not seen him since. I struggled and tortured myseld wondering if things would have been different if I had behaved differently or if he was with a different type of woman. The article reassured me that there was nothing I could do. Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that while I'm not perfect, some people are broken and there's nothing you or I can do about it.

abusive ex husband

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 08/16/2012 - 1:53pm.

i have been divorced for 3 years and am soley responsible for my daugther her father does not provide any financial support for our child, and at times i have bailed him out. Since he has had a new girl friend he has begun to suggest that i give him money when he has my daugther every other weekend. i have refused and his behavour towards me and my family and also the new partners behaviour towards us has become rude and abusive. My ex husband has previously threatened to use the fact i have suffered from depression in the past and have been subjected to abuse from other partners previous to himself as a reason to get my daugther away from me. I struggle with low self esteem and trust issues , every time i meet someone new my ex husband will throw obstacles in to our path and i no longer feel that it would be fair to start a new relationship at this point in time. my ex also guilt trips me if i spend any money on myself yet my daugther dosent go with out anything she needs . i am working to provide for my daugther and studying to become a teaching assistant i find it hard to manage my study time as i do all the transport for my daugther, i do not drive and i use a push bike or walk to take her to her fathers whilst he drives and doesnt ever pick her up or drop her off. Most of the time i am exhausted. He constantly suggests that i give up my job, trys to set me and my family against each other. Has anyone else had a similar experience please help ?

Ganged up on my exhusband & the new wife

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 11:49pm.

My ex has never been made to be responsible for his actions...he treats everyone like crap. We have been divorced for 8 years & we absolutely cannot communicate with each other. I could talk better with his wife at times but they are both very quick to jump all over you if you don't do everything exactly how they want it. I have tried my best to keep my son (7yrs) from ever knowing what his dad & step mom do to me. They continually verbally assault me if they don't like what I say. I am nit picked to death about every little thing... NOTHING is ever good enough. Now I think they are trying to brainwash my son into going to live with them & it disgusts me that they are putting him in that position. I have always been generous about giving an extra day here & there if they ask but as soon as its something they don't want to do they throw the divorce papers at me. The only way I know how to deal with this is to just hang up on them when they start insulting me but then they start harassing via text MSG or voicemail...which actually works to my advantage because I can prove what type of people I'm dealing with...they actually feed me everything I need to prove how they are in court....8 yrs of documentation!! Also the new wife hacked my Medicaid account & I could press federal charges against her for that. I just want to be left alone...I'm a good mother & I'm so tired of them messing with me but I will not give them the satisfaction of fighting with them! How do I make them stop? Any advice?

been there done that

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 11/12/2012 - 10:10am.

wow!!! this sounds soooo familiar!!! I used to get tag teamed all the time but blocked the ex's gf. Your story sounds exactly the same. I feel less alone.Thank you for sharing your story.i

Wow. I just want to tell you

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 10/13/2012 - 6:36pm.

Wow. I just want to tell you that your situation literally mirrors mine. He cheated, he left, and him and his new wife have led an emotionally abusive campaign against me for the last 6 years that has left me completely feeling hopeless and exhausted. I have done everything I can to keep my 8 year old daughter from knowing the truth...he has stated that his wife is equal to being my daughters Mom and even had her start wearing a bra and giving her the "sex" talk...saying..."it's a good thing your step-Mom is a nurse so that she can be there and explain these things to you." They have cut his parents out of their lives because they stood up to him, they have cut his brother out of his life because they stood up to him...anyone that confronts them with the truth of what they have done or are doing have been made out to be villains to my daughter. My only saving grace at this point is that I got a child psychologist involved over a year ago and just let the truth slowly ebb out. She meets with my daughter, me, and also meets with them. The emotional abusive and manipulation has been documented. But taking them to court.....I cant......my daughter loves her Dad despite the step-Mom being in control of every aspect and am afraid that putting her through court at this point will damage her MORE. When my daughter gets to the point she is verbalizing her frustration with the step-mom, she takes her shopping at the mall. They also can afford to do pretty much anything.... My daugther has no idea of the double life her Dad lead while married to me,(he was the ideal husband, up until the moment his girlfriends husband called me to share what and who my husband really was) she has no idea that they tried to prove me unfit, she has no idea why her Dad does not speak to his parents, or brother and sister-in-law. I am now giving HIS family time out of MY time so that she can be with her biological family. The holidays I am splitting between my family and his as well, otherwise they will not see her! My family is upset at me despite my continued insistence that this is MY DAUGHTERS family...I cant let the actions of their son take her from them!! I'm exhausted, depressed, and feel utterly without hope. I have spent so much money on mediation, counseling, psychiatry.....I truly need a miracle for my daughter. She is to young to have to sort through this adult nonsense, but I dont know how to defend against the lies they are telling her. So, I let the psychologist sort through and help her. I have been told that I am f'ing insane, that I have never given them any extra time at all, that I still love my ex, that I have done nothing but mind f' my daughter, that I am truly evil to the core of my being and that they cannot wait until it all comes back to bite me in the a$$ so they can laugh at me. Yes, I so understand what you are going through. I am a very kind, caring person, who is outgoing, very very easy to get along with....I work in a nursing home as the Life Enrichment Coordinator...serving my God, and those who need help in this world are the values I live by. But I have to be honest, there are moments, like right now after my daughter said that she is not allowed to snuggle with me in bed (we would read together in bed) because Dad and Step-Mom will punish her...I feel that God has left me. Intellecutally I know this is not true, but my heart hurts so badly.

This makes me physically ill

Submitted by Mish (not verified) on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 10:15pm.

No wonder some women just disappear with their children never to be seen again. Why is there no help for people like you?!?!?! How is this happening to so many children?! I am in a similar situation in Australia with a 5 yr old boy but not nearly as bad...yet!! Who is going to help protect the children?????

reply to Wow Just wanted to tell you

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 1:34pm.

your situation is similar to mine, ex has been harassing/abusing me since our divorce 13 years ago, using my daughter as the tool. She would tell me things that sickened me of what he wuold say or do, manipulative, verbal/emotional abuse. I sought counseloring to help her deal and was able to calmly tell her anytime she came to me that that was wrong what he was doing, you didn't do anything wrong, always making sure she knew it wasn't her. He made her say she wanted 50/50 custody and spend more time with him. i knew it was him making her - she was 12. there was no way and by the grace of God, it worked in her favor, she just switched schools, puberty, etc etc, she did not need another stress factor. well, this past summer, 14 years, she finally told me everything and said she never wanted to see him again. things were so much worse than i knew, telling her lies about me, telling her i neglected her as a baby, i was never around, blah blah blah. I never told her anything about details of the relationship, never put him down other to say when he would verbally abuse her that it wasn't her fault and he is just like this. well, she got it.....on her own, without any input from me at all. as she got older, she saw herself how her friends parents were and how they treated their kids, how i was, how everyone else was. as she got older and started going out more with friends, the control was slipping away and he got worse and worse until she realized he was never going to change. just make sure you stay strong, don't get sucked in by him, keep telling her and showing real love and she will figure it out. If her dad would say she couldn't do something with me because he said so, i told her this was her and my house, we can do whatever we want here - this is her safe place to do what she wants without getting in trouble. I thought God had forgotten about us and even got mad until i realized that i think this was the plan all along, she became stronger and figured it out for herself what good/evil was. i never thought it would happen but it did and it will for your daughter too as long as you stay strong and keep being the loving mom you are

Thank You

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 9:31pm.

Thank you for your response. I so needed that. One of the hardest things about this situation is feeling so utterly alone and not having anyone who understands how this feels. It's almost as if my life has stopped in some ways and I consist of just getting through and being strong for my daughter. I've isolated myself from friends, I have stopped doing hobbies because I never know when "something" is going to happen. It takes so much energy for me to respond in an appropriate way and not lash out back at them. (that would just fuel them on stronger) By the time I have put the bandages on my daughters heart and worked my way through my anger, I am spent. Reading your response was like getting a small glimpse at what the other side of this horrific mountain looks like and it gave me some hope. God is my strength and refuge...I know that even when I am very very angry. Sometimes I wish he would just send some locusts or something...just to their house, or frogs....I'm not too picky at this point. Thank you again for your insight...it truly came at the perfect time for me!

Abusive ex

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 06/17/2012 - 11:50pm.

Some of your stories all to familliar. I have been divorced for a bit over 8 months. I was married for 17 years and dated him 5 years prior. The abuse has become much worse than when we were married. It has gotten to the point that I have to turn my phone off at night. I have blocked him from my e-mails and i am going to have to change my phone numbers. He is threatening to make me lose my job. He said that he will be sending my boss a letter saying what? I do not know. He is a very heavy drinker and does drugs. It is getting to the point where I am becoming afraid and very confused. I do not know who to turn to for help.

papers signed, waiting to be served

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 06/15/2012 - 6:47pm.

I am sitting here reading your stories and I'm riddled with anxiety and terror. The papers have been signed for 8 days - waiting to serve my husband until after my 16 y/o finished her exams. My husband sold his company 6 years ago and has been home with me, every day, all day, since. He is very verbally abusive (fat *unt, retarded, "cuntacious" -his made up word, big-bloated angry woman etc etc etc). The first 12 years of our marriage he spent at strip clubs, engaging in activities with them and even ended up getting genital warts. Then came the arrest for soliciting a prostitute, 14 years ago - still I stayed - three kids, emotionally drained and beaten down. The older two sons have had issues with drugs and alcohol and one is an opiate addict - this has been going on for nearly 8 years. I am tired and drained and just want peace. I know I'm in for the battle of my lifetime....this divorce will give my husband a reason to get off the couch again and will invigorate him.

He just won't stop

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 06/06/2012 - 12:30am.

The last time I reached out for support regarding my ex-husband on an anonymous forum like this one, he responded to my post. 4 years after our marriage ended he was hacking my email account in order to gain an advantage over me in family court. Although he did win that round in court, the emails that he deleted out of my account in order to do so gave away his little game. You know how it is, you NEVER delete emails because it's how you CYA. And then when he responded to my post on the anonymous forum, I knew that somehow he was in my email account! I went to the police and they were able to track the IP address accessing my email account back to his home. They seized his computers and sent them to the Secret Service. In May of this year we went to court and I heard about the evidence for the first time. He was charged with a B misdemeanor, Breach of Computer Security. The Secret Service was able to prove 100% that his personal computer profile on his home office desktop computer accessed my email account 10 times (plus 8 more times that were in a storage partition) over a 6 month period of time. They also discovered several of my personal emails downloaded on this same profile. You'd think that would be a slam dunk case, right? The jury found him "not guilty." Basically his atty argued that anyone in his house including his current wife, our 15 yr old son or even our 8 yr old son could have been the person hacking my email because the SS agent couldn't say definitively that his profile was password protected. So his atty literally said, "Yes, he probably did it but if you can't put his hands on the keyboard when her account was accessed, then you must acquit." So the jury did. This man has put me and our children through years of hell and torment and he got away with it AGAIN. Unbelievable. I feel like if I were ever to stray off of the straight and narrow path that I would get struck down by a bolt of lightening immediately while he seems to waltz through a minefield with no consequences. Its so wrong! My faith in our court systems, both family and criminal court is completely gone. We go to court again in August and I expect that I'll lose again especially since he wasn't convicted. For 6 long, nightmare years, no one in the courts has cared about truth or justice. Your stories are all too familiar and somehow, coming on here and reading them, helps reaffirm that I'm NOT the crazy person in all of this and I'm really not as alone as I feel. Maybe someday I'll be able to stop looking over my shoulder and start going out after dark again without wondering if my ex is waiting in the shadows with the ultimate punishment for all of my imaginary offenses against him. Stay strong and I'll try to do the same!

I am dealing with emotional/verbal abusive stbx

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 06/05/2012 - 9:48pm.

This article came out at the right time. I am in the middle of a battle with my stbx. Essentially, he criticized me, blamed me for everything. I left his home country, where we lived together for a year because I could no longer take the verbal and emotional abuse. We are in the process of closing our business, which is overseas, and he is trying to bait me. He wanted me to sign a power of attorney, which I refused. I am not going to sign my rights over, especially in a foreign country. I know I should get a lawyer, but its highly expensive and I can't afford one. International attorneys cost a lot more. He emailed me, asking if to give him an answer, promising no consequences. Yeah, whatever. I told him I am not signing the power of attorney. What did he say? ? "Thank you, that is all I needed to know. I am going to change the company to your name, our business banking to your name, and you will be responsible for everything!" Are you kidding me? The country is highly bureaucratic, so he can't just sign off like that. All a scare tactic. He thinks I am falling for it, but I am not. Typically emotional and verbal abuse. I started to fire off an response, but that is what he is looking for, a reaction. And yes, it's a game to him. He's trying to control me through the business we own in that country. I just want peace and to be left alone. And using email is the best, because I have emails, abusive ones, to save for evidence of verbal/emotional abuse.

Thank you for posting this,

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 05/29/2012 - 6:32pm.

Thank you for posting this, and to all of you for sharing your stories. I'm sorry that so many others are going through what I have been dealing with. It's remarkable how similar our stories are. God bless and big hugs ... to all of us. We'll get through it and come out better for it!

Verbally Abusive Ex

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 8:15am.

I have been divorced for 3 years now and I have a 6 year old son w/ my ex husband who is very stubborn. I have learned to NOT respond to his multi-paragraph e-mails & text messages but that seems to make it worse at times. He doesn't like my fiance and will not allow him to attend any of my son's activities. I know, it's so stupid, how can he do this? He plays the card "It's my day so Andrew (my son) will be kept home that day." I know he just can't face my fiance; after all they were once friends...but it has been 3 years and my ex still acts as if we were separated just yesterday. I have gone to counseling w/ him as well w/ no luck. My counselor told me I need to think of his feelings but it is hard when he tells me he wishes he never met me & the only good thing out of our relationship was my son. And honestly, I don't think he will ever give up. He can hold a grudge like no one I know...I have tried everything, I have gone to the police &, I have gone to court over an incident and the judge even told me just to keep the fiance home. How is that fair? In a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce. My fiance loves my son as his own & my son really loves him too...So who loses here, my son :-( and my ex doesnt see it at all. I pray for him, I pray he can see that my son is loved by so many & it's not fair to keep those loved ones away...I do feel if I were to end my current relationship, who is to say this behavior would be any different w/ the next guy. But, you know, I love my fiance and I couldnt imagine being w/ anyone else. This drama is something I would never wish on my worst enemy...well, maybe my ex who still cannot keep a relationship w/ a woman because he is still hung up on badgering me.

Leave NoW

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 05/28/2012 - 3:19pm.

I had a husband that started out as verbally abusive. it the went to emotional and lastly physical abuse. Mind you, i packed 2suitcases and took a jet home from Switzerland. He said he would kill me! That was the final straw! Verbal, emotional, physical, and death .........don't wait around Save yourself!

The OW

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 11:52am.

I was the other woman ...not in the sense of a "mistress", but became the 2nd wife. He actually had been divorced for 10 yrs and from what I know had a series of relationships in the interim. He was single and free when we met. Fortunately for them and not me, I got sucked in! After two years of hell I recently got divorced. Yes, I can vouch that he will treat the OW the same way! And then it will be her fault...they are quick to blame. A controlling narcissist doesn't take well to responsibility. He is charming and on his best behavior until you are in his grip. In hindsight I saw all the red flags, but chose to dismiss them, to try to understand him, to hope. The opposite side of that coin of course is denial. Mind games, criticism, name calling, cursing, sarcasm, the greatest spin artist! There is no logic or rationality, so to avoid anger and rage you learn to tiptoe around him. I finally asked myself why would I want to be with someone who intimidates me? And that he did! After all the emotional and verbal abuse it was when he finally put his hands on me that I just knew he had crossed my boundary. He grabbed me. His response..."well, I didn't give you a black eye or knock out your teeth!" But that was my defining moment. Why not sooner I wish I knew! He had always threatened divorce if I didn't do this or that and then I called his bluff. I said Yes. And I did what I said. It wasn't pretty. He sat there saying divorce was really never ever an option (really?) and today I choose to remember him in the lawyer's office just saying over and over..."this is surreal". My heart goes out to you wives who have spent years of your lives coping and trying to love someone who isn't lovable. I regret those years with him, but have a shred of understanding how you can become trapped in this situation. Protect yourself, protect your children. Angry, mean, controlling abusers do NOT change...this man is in his 60's and he has left a trail of hurt behind him. Know that you all deserve better! Disconnect with him/ if you must deal with him, it is strictly business. And hold your head up high!

Wow, I would never believe this

Submitted by Guest11234 (not verified) on Tue, 10/02/2012 - 12:12am.

I always pictured that the other woman would get treated so much better than the first wife but I guess a leopard never changes it's spots , stay strong!

My ex started using the

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 07/24/2012 - 10:16am.

My ex started using the divorce card the 1st year we were married. He was never happy and somehow everything was always my fault. After 22 years of emotional abuse I said I was done. We've been divorced almost a year now and I wish I had done it sooner.

Yes. Its a struggle and while

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 6:29am.

Yes. Its a struggle and while the comments above are right on target- the mental abuse on my own psyche is tough to heal when he keeps doing things that are crazy making. It is most certainly intentional, immature, and hurtful. He has admitted pretty much he does this to hurt me, to "lose the power I have over" him. Whatever. I think it is convenient for him to allow him to guiltfree continue bad behaviors that "feel good" but promise to nip him in the butt sooner than later (and he will blame me then as well!). With kids, the interaction has to be there but maybe not as much as I once feared. I am, though, struggling greatly with the constant fear and anxiety of dealing with someone who is always out to get you, while acting like Santa Daddy to the kids in a materialistic way. My focus now is on trying to feel better about myself, to regain some control on my own circumstances, and to not let this "bad guy" continue his reign of terror over me.

For a long time I believed my

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:57am.

For a long time I believed my marriage could work that I could make it work but my ex always let slip little comments (my fav 'I'm not attracted to you' this after I gave birth to our second child, a boy), but over the course of the twenty eight years we were together he did things that never made sense. On our wedding night he stayed out all night and partied with friends. Every vacation he never seemed to enjoy spending time with family. He spent a lot of time working or playing sports. The children and I were not welcome at his athletic club and when I did well at work or wanted to take classes at our college he acted like it was a big imposition. Dr. Phil said it best if you know what it is your partner wants and you are not giving it to them there is something wrong. Even our sex life was unfulfilling I began to feel used. Selfish people never change. Life is about them. I think we are all lucky to have gotten out of these unhealthy relationships. These people live for the moment and thinking of others never crosses their minds. They are the people who cheat and rob their family's futures of a peace of mind. It's hard to think that I failed my children. I allowed him to treat me poorly because I kept thinking he'd wake up and recognize how blessed he was to have us in his life. He destroyed everything I'd worked hard to have and has ruined me financially. But my children and I are strong and we have learned that while you cannot change the wind you can always adjust your sails.

I also believed...

Submitted by Sg42 (not verified) on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 11:57pm.

Thank you for your reinforcing comments. I have been waiting for almost seven years for my husband to acknowledge that I'm a real pal for sticking in there with him through all of the difficulty he has caused through his running away every few months. Finally, he is demanding a divorce (big surprise) and I'm left devastated. I've been tolerating this relationship as sort of an investment and I've lost it all. Waiting was crazy and still wanting to be with him is even more crazy. I was broken when I picked him. I probably couldn't have done any better. He's ill and it was contagious, but I can get better and be the great woman I have known myself to be. He is stuck with an illness he refuses to admit - so I guess I'm not really losing much. A few years ago, I soothed myself by saying, "if he's this way at 40, there's a good chance he'll be this way at 50." now I'm quite clear that he'll be this way until the end. Very sad. He is a man who has such great potential - unfortunately, "potential ain't sh*t." so there!

My saving grace is to disconnect

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 05/22/2012 - 12:11pm.

What you haven't mentioned is that sometimes communication with an ex isn't possible or healthy. In my case I haven't spoken to my STBX in almost a year, even though we had been in a relationship for over 30 years. Because of the emotional abuse I received during the marriage, separation, and (now) ongoing divorce, I have had to accept that I simply cannot 'have' a relationship or communicate with him - I've tried several times, and it's not possible. Even general, non emotional FYI wanted you to know (about the kids, etc.) type emails are sent back to me with caustic remarks or blame, when no question was asked or answer expected. When I do receive an attack, I do not to engage, and only reply if absolutely necessary, keeping my answer/reply to the point and simple. And of course, I copy my attorney on every nasty email he sends, as a matter of record. Narcissists and emotional abusers want to keep control of the situation and 'win'. Doesn't matter what damage they do in their quest to 'be right' or what's best for the children or the relationship with you, they only care about retaining their 'good guy image' and will tell countless lies to themselves and others in order to maintain their dirty little secrets. Their personality is very good at fooling people into believing what they say, keeping who they 'really' are hidden. It doesn't matter how many lies they tell or the cruelty they impart to those they once swore they loved. He chose to leave us (ran away) and lied to me as a way to keep us in his limbo. Then he kept lying, keeping his 'other' relationship secret, while we waited for him to come back or at least tell me what he wanted. He agreed to responsibilities and made promises he never intended to keep, just to keep the lie going until he was ready to make a change I expect. And I trusted him because I loved him, wanted my marriage, and was willing to do whatever he needed to make it work. Now I know the truth, although he never told me, I had to find out on my own. He was never coming back, and had made up his mind, but forgot to include me in that conversation. He's been with the same OW all along, and is with her now - the person who contributed to the end of my marriage, yet he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, making up more lies to cover the stories he tells to legitimize his behavior. Even before I found out about the OW, I gave up and filed for divorce, upsetting his apple cart - I stopped being the good little wife he was used to and expected to do whatever he wanted. Unfortunately, here we are years later, still trying to settle a divorce I never wanted in the first place. He refuses to settle and continues to delay proceedings. Finally heading to a trial but that's months away. I cannot let him do this to me and the kids financially, so I have to keep my chin up and keep going. For my own self-preservation, I have chosen not to communicate with him unless absolutely necessary, and only by email (or text if urgent). I am choosing to take the high road and not comment or tell my older children what's really going on as far as his cruelty and withholding financial support, and I stay out of their relationship with him - he's their father, and that is between them. When we have to be in the same area, I act like he isn't there - it's the only way I can get through this. Not sure how others have handled this. I tried being cooperative for the children's sake, but when you're dealing with a narcissist and an emotionally abusive individual, it's impossible to have a relationship with such an unhealthy and cruel individual.

How To Handle A Verbally, Emotionally, Abusive Ex-Husband

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