Power: Why Some Exes Bow Out on Time With Their Kids

Posted to House Bloggers by Delaine Moore on Wed, 09/16/2009 - 9:28am

Does this scenario ring any bells?

Sue is the primary caregiver of her two children. Her ex, Brian, is a part-time dad who pays child support and takes the kids every second weekend and one evening/week.

When they first got separated, Brian was very concerned about his limited access to the kids; he wanted them as much as possible. He also requested the ‘right of first refusal’ — that is, if Sue ever needed a babysitter, she would be required to call him first.

Six months into the divorce. Things have started to change. Not once has Brian acted on his right of first refusal. And he’s often late or changing his scheduled time with the kids. Sue hears about “important work commitments” and “bad traffic” and “a sudden business trip out of town.” She accommodates him — after all, life happens and plans sometimes have to be broken. Moreover, she feels a bit indebted to him — he’s paying her child and spousal support after all…

A few months later, it dawns on Sue that the only ‘constant’ is Brian’s inconsistency with adhering to his time with the kids. She’s tired of constantly cancelling plans and not being able to make them. She’s also feeling burnt out — she hasn’t had down town in ages! She’s beginning to wonder if he’s taking advantage of her. Is he ever going to fulfill his parenting responsibilities or is she inadvertently enabling him not to? When is enough, ENOUGH?

Finally, The Moment of Revelation arrives. He calls her a few days before a weekend he’s to take the kids. “I need to get my brakes fixed on my truck,” he says. “So I’ll need to take the kids Friday night only and return them Saturday morning at 8 a.m.”

“Alright,” says Sue. “And when will you be back to get them?”

“I won’t,” he says irritated. “It’s going to take the rest of the weekend for me to fix them.”

Anger boils in Sue’s stomach. As if he’s going to work on his brakes all day Saturday, Saturday night AND all day Sunday till 7 p.m.! He IS taking advantage of her!

“No,” she responds. “I have plans and you’ll have to find a babysitter.”

“Sue, do you have any idea how boring it will be for the kids while I get my brakes fixed?”

“Brian, I haul the kids around to do errands too — all the time in fact. It’s part of being a parent.”

“Don’t tell ME what’s involved in being a parent,” Brian responds angrily. “You don’t know what it’s like to have to WORK full-time too. You’re just a mom. I PAY you to look after the kids.”

And there we have it. Apparently, because Brian pays Sue support, she is his 24–hour employee. And as for his parenting responsibilities and his relationships with his kids — well, I guess ensuring Sue is his workhorse is more important.

Have you been in a similar situation? What did it take for you to put your foot down? How do you manage an ex with such a disrespectful belief system?

Comments

Let's see from what I read,

Submitted by SAHM (not verified) on Wed, 03/17/2010 - 8:30pm.

Let's see from what I read, he was given every other weekend and 1 evening a week! Wow, Poor guy! Let's see, his demanding day probably goes something like this. He has to rouse himself up from bed nowadays, cause his ex, who was probably up an hour before him getting the kids breakfast/lunches, clothed and ready for the day continues to do this on her own, but now in her own (probably much smaller) place and no longer awakens him with coffee/breakfast etc (Cook has been 'let go'). But maybe he got lucky and the gal he is currently seeing/sleeping with/picked up last night will do this for him. So thanks (what was your name again?) and heads off to work. This is, of course, if it wasn't his evening with the complaining, spoiled and time-consuming kids. In that case, he pulls out (or tells them to pull out) that 2 month old megabox of cereal he got at Costco and hopes there is enough milk left from the last time they were over. Gets them to school (Chauffeur was 'released'). He spends the morning grousing about the ex's demands, crowing about the lastest conquest, flirting with the newest office associate, or reliving last night's ball game while getting a couple hours of 'work' done. He then heads off to lunch (perhaps a 'business' lunch hanging with the guys, crowing about their latest conquests, grousing about their ex's or complaining about work). Back to the office/for a few more hours to post some pics on Facebook (last nite was wild), do some email/online gaming/texting and get a few things off the desk (since they've started to collect dust now). Need to leave a little early to get a haircut (24/7 at-home barbershop is closed). Quittin time!! Crap, better pick up something to eat and a few six packs, since I've invited some of the guys by later and there is nothing in the fridge. (Menu planning, grocery shopping, coupon clipping? PLEASE!) If I can make it home early, I can get rid of those dishes piled up in the sink (divorced the dishwasher) and maybe throw some clothes in the laundry and pick up the living room (fired the maid). Maybe even swing by the store and pick up some new boxers (personal shopper has moved on). Nah, that's way too much work! Better call the ex and tell her this weekend's off (since I busted up the breaks on the truck last weekend off-roading) and I got to get it fixed for next weekends' hunting/fishing/big game trip. I'm sure you can all understand with such a demanding schedule why this gentleman can't possibly be expected to show up on time/or possibly at all to share his few fleeting hours of 'freedom' with his children! His hard-earned money goes to insuring that his ex/wife/indentured servant has nothing but days 'on' 24/7/365! p.s. Tell Brian to pretend he is an employed mom with kids and has a nanny who watches them 6 days a week and every other weekend at her house, he'll start feeling much better about his plight.

Fairness, not power

Submitted by Jeff (not verified) on Mon, 10/19/2009 - 4:03pm.

I see this as a fairness issue, not a power issue.

Demands on Sue's time have not changed substantially due to divorce, while Brian now has to clean, do laundry, buy and prepare meals, etc. in addition to his job and child-care responsiblities. Unlike Sue, he doesn't have 6 hours a day while the kids are in school to take a nap, run errands, workout, get a haircut, have the car fixed, hang with friends, read, etc. I doubt he has a network of stay-at-home dad friends who can take the kids for an hour or two while he gets a break. I doubt he realized what it was going to be like to go two weeks without a day off from either work or 24 hr parenting. He's obviously feeling that he got the short end of the stick in this post-divorce situation, and it's doubly frustrating because this is the schedule that HE insisted on.

Sue could go to court and force Brian to stick to the custody schedule. Or Brian could try to force Sue to get a full-time job, pay for daycare, and have the kids every other week. For everyone's benefit, I hope they work out a schedule that gives Brian a day off more than once every two weeks, and gives both of them enough time off to be good parents.

BTDT

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 1:31pm.

I'm living this - except without the spousal support. My ex actually checked with a lawyer to make sure he was not obligated to take the kids or arrange for a babysitter during his "visitation" time. He's not. It is not only rude and disrespectful to the full-time parent who, heaven knows, needs and deserves a rest, it is heartbreaking to the children. Too often I have watched my son cry when his dad cancels. These "sometime" parents don't know what they're missing. The kids are learning who they can count on. And although they are friendly and loving with their dad for now, they don't get any sense of security from him. It is frustrating beyond belief to watch the kids pay for my mistake in choosing the wrong person to be a dad.

Power: Why Some Exes Bow Out on Time With Their Kids

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