Jon Gosselin and The Power of Words in "Verbal Abuse"

Posted to House Bloggers by Debbie Nigro on Mon, 09/14/2009 - 9:04am

In the ongoing saga of the Gosselin divorce, we "divorcees" all see a little bit of our own failed relationships. There are always two sides to every story, and I so make no judgments and take no sides, feeling only sad for Jon and Kate as I watch each come and go to take the temporary parenting helm for their 8 kids. Can't even imagine the pressure of handling 8 small kids solo.

John Gosselin is now opening up about the divorce and the other day I heard him say he was “verbally abused”. Again, I'm not taking sides, but I do want to comment on the reality of “verbal abuse”. Sounds “lite” in comparison to physical abuse, but it's not. It's heavy.

You see, it's about a mind getting beat up and self esteem getting beat down. It's debilitating, mind boggling, painful and paralyzing. It's usually too humiliating and embarrassing to discuss with anyone. It can wear you out to the point of insanity.

In a way, verbal abuse is weirder than physical abuse, because words are invisible and no one outside the relationship can spot the “marks.”

Like physical abuse though, it’s often hard, sometimes nearly impossible, to find the strength and the means to escape.

Someone I once trusted and once loved took the liberty of using mean and demeaning words with me. Of course in retrospect I now know they came from a manipulating person with deep insecurities who derived satisfaction and power by choosing words that would make me feel inept.

Deep down I knew better, but every time, the words would cut like a knife and linger and linger. Over time they wore me down. I guess I started to believe maybe the words were true. Even the brightest and most confident get beat down by mean words.

Being on the receiving end of abusive language not only hurts--it maims. It also brings disgust with the audacity of it. Even now when I think of “those words” I cringe. If any man even comes close to directing a mean phrase my way, I flip.

As someone who makes a living on the power of words...and truly without a mean bone in my body, a warning!

If you use mean words to abuse someone's integrity, to boost your own ego and manipulate the power in a relationship, you will ultimately lose. You may win in the short run, but once the verbally abused person finds the strength and the means to free themselves from the relationship, you will never ever be able to get them back. Game over.

Mean people will get their just due naturally, because mean people are usually miserable about themselves. Paybacks to them will come in the form of continued misery, and oh yeah bad health, because there is definitely a mind-body connection when it comes to wellness and attitude.

On the contrary, the nice people who manage to move on from the madness of a verbally abusive relationship usually find great relief, return to inner peace and self-esteem, and find themselves healthier and happier. They will also be much less likely to take any crap from anyone else again.

Ok, enough said about that.

Debbie

Comments

VERBAL ABUSE

Submitted by Rina (not verified) on Wed, 09/16/2009 - 11:59pm.

Hi. I'm new to this.....I must admit and I'm being totally 180% honest now. I used to verbal abuse my husband. Yep, I said it and I'm actually building up a cold sweat whilst typing as I cannot believe the hurt I have caused etc. We are now getting divorced after 6 years of a hellish marriage but in some ways I feel free. I know he does too. I suffer from borderline personlity disorder and I know this does not excuse any of the pain that I caused but in some ways I find comfort in finally knowing my illness. I was never properly diagnosed before. My husabnd also has a problem in that he lies.....not just a white lie.....I mean really LIES. Money getting withdrawn out of our bank account, him suddenly working late hours etc etc and yes this does not excuse the verbal abuse at all but like you said Debbie, there are two sides to a story.

Been There on Both Ends

Submitted by Fae (not verified) on Sun, 09/13/2009 - 12:24pm.

I was abused verbally by my first husband. He had PTSD before they even had a name for it. 2.5 tours of Nam working assignments that weren't even officially on the books really messed him up. He physically abused me a couple of times, until I bought a huge knife and promised to use it while he was sleeping. Fast forward nearly 30 years and I became the abuser. I married a gentle man who I adored. Slowly over the years he did less and less around the house (since we both worked, we were supposed to share the housework) and apparently less and less at work until he was fired. He was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder - this means that everything even something as simple as paying a bill brought our his anxiety...to the point where he drove us into bankruptcy last year. For years I had been his cheerleader, supporting him, reassuring him and trying to be his support system. During this time he continued to slide, but he did it in cycles. He would be a great house-husband for a month and then slowly slide to the point where he did nothing, no cleaning, no cooking, no laundry. I would feel horribly stressed as not only the sole support, but I was faced with all the work around our house, which was a fixer-upper that never got fixed up. I would have a screaming fit at him about him doing nothing. Gradually as my stress worsened so did our fights and I became abusive in my language. I grew to hate myself and what I had become. I also knew, that like my first husband, I felt justified in saying what I did. We had different reasons, but the feeling of needing to get it out and make a point was there. I do know that both were built on a foundation of stress, his from Nam and mine from my situation. I do know of some people who are naturally just snake mean, but I don't think that is what happened with Kate and Jon or my marriage. I am willing to bet if you dig, there were stressors there that she could no longer deal with and set her off verbally. 8 small children would put most people under. Having TV people there would put someone with one child in the funny farm. Why is anyone surprised that this marriage went down the tubes? But I do think that if you could look closely at the situation, you would find a stress level that got out of hand.

Jon Gosselin and The Power of Words in "Verbal Abuse"

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