an affair is absolutely a signal that something is amiss in the relationship. And it's quite simply wrong. Honor the vows you made, and if you can't, seek help or get out. Come on! CM

As someone who was cheated on and the reason for my divorce, I do not completely agree. An affair, at the root, really is not about the marriage. It is a person filling a deeper spiritual need and stopping important spiritual growth through an unhealthy and self-sabotaging behavior. Instead of affairs, some people drink too much, gamble too much, play video games too much, spend too much, take too many drugs, etc. But, we do not usually blame those behaviors on a marriage, as we see them as deep personal issues the individual needs to resolve and to learn to use other healthier means to successfully cope with their lives, including their marriages. To be honest, I am really tired of the books and articles title "How to affair proof your marriage." They should really be "How to affair proof yourself," causing each person to dig deeper into themselves as to how they approach relationships and their role in not receiving what they want and need in a relationship, which is often their inability to have a conscious dialogue with their partner about what is truly important to them. Having an affair is a person's easy way out of not dealing with the core of their personal issues with relationships and learning to speak and follow-through with their own truth, even if that truth is to end the relationship. Even though I did not ask for the drama, the other person and the pain that he brought into my life, I have taken 100% responsibility for working through it, discovering patterns of my own behavior that are disempowering and releasing them, and creating a life more fulfilling and fun than I could have imagined. I do agree, however, that it can be immature for someone, like my husband who stated that he would have left instantly if I had an affair, to instantly give up on the relationship without discussion about it. I only tried to work things through, even though I knew it was going to eventually be over, because I wanted to leave the relationship knowing that I did what I could for myself to make sure that I was making the best decision. And, boy did I. I just hope more women who are cheated on know that it really is not about them and the marriage, because sometimes people cheat even in what most would consider great marriages (I know of a few). And, it really is an amazing chance to dig deeper about ourselves, even if he doesn't, and come out the other end more empowered, creative, and dynamic because of it.

Thanks to the person who posted the comment: Affairs Are Much More Than About the Relationship. Your comments ring really true to me and you've given me something big to think about.

I appreciate the comments from this blog- it does bring a different perspective and makes me think. However, I still do believe that if a person actively chooses to be selfish and cheat on their spouse, then something is wrong with that connection. Yes, the catalyst could be drugs, or some kind of addictive behavior, but my point is- if the person cheats, then clearly they have thought about cheating and did not think about the person they would be hurting in the process. Yes, it takes two to tango and cheating on a spouse is obviously an indication that there is something wrong- that still doesn't excuse the behavior in my book. CM