My sweet little boy is getting a teensy bit aggressive these days and suddenly I find that I am being bombarded with all sorts of advice that I don't want to accept.

For example, Adrian has started pulling hair. But not any hair, just my hair, and it hurts! He'll yank my hair — hard — and when I shout "Ouch!" he laughs and laughs and laughs. It has been suggested that I pull his hair in retaliation, "show him what it feels like," they say. Ummmm, no thank you.

One of Adrian's other favorite things to do to me is to bite. Again, he'll just come over to me, bite me, and laugh like crazy when I say "Ouch!" And those new teeth are sharp! It has been suggested that I bite him back. "Only way to stop a biter," they say.

And yet another one of his "new tricks" is smacking me. This one doesn't happen as often and usually only when I'm sleeping, but still....

I took him to the doctor last week for a physical. The doctor that we usually see was out, so we had to see the physician's assistant. While we were there he asked me if there had been any changes in his behavior. I said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, there has," and told him what I just told you all.

He said that I need to put him in a time-out chair whenever he does any of these things. I explained that I had tried that but that Adrian will just get up; he doesn't understand that he is supposed to stay there — he's only 16 months old. I told him that rather than using the chair, I use the playpen.

My uncle and his girlfriend were married yesterday. They've been together for 16 plus years. I've already taken to calling his girlfriend my aunt. It's just easier that way.

I used to ask them years and years ago when they were going to get married. My uncle would always say something like, "Who needs to get married?" When the Levi disaster happened, I must admit that I started to feel the same way.

So you can only imagine my surprise when I opened up my e-mail yesterday, yes, my e-mail, to find a message from my uncle that said the following:

Faith,

Janice and I are getting married at 5 today at the house. We need you to come over and be a witness.

I thought that he was kidding so I called him. Nope, he was serious.

They were married at 5:00 p.m., in front of their house, underneath their cheery tree. It was only the two of them, the Justice of The Peace, Adrian, and me. Still, it was beautiful. It was perfect.

I realized yesterday how absolutely jaded I am now. How whenever someone tells me that they're getting married or I hear of someone getting married, my instant reaction is "Why!?" I think to myself, Why would you want to screw up a perfectly good relationship by going and getting married?

I also realize how silly that sounds.

Marriage is not the enemy, nor is it something to fear. Marriage is hard work, but can also be filled with happiness, love, and security.

These two are perfect for one another. The amount of time they've spent together thus far proves that. I don't know if it's possible but I hope that somehow in marriage, there bond can grow even stronger.

Congratulations, guys!

As if I didn't have enough going on already, I decided to add more to my plate. Something major.

I've decided to go to school. I've wanted to learn cinematography and film production for quite some time, and now I'm finally going to do it.

I stumbled across the program a few months ago while doing some research on the Internet. Of course, like anything of its kind, it's pretty expensive. However, they had some information on the site pertaining to grants and other sources of financial aid so I decided to go for it, and I applied.

It was a daunting application complete with questions like "Why should we give this money to you?" and "Explain your commitment and desire to be in the film program." The last question was an essay. I did the best that I could — it took me all day — and sent it on it's way. I didn't get my hopes up, though.

So I was shocked when I received the letter that I had been selected for not one, but two grants. They cover the cost of attendance and then some. I'm also taking out a few student loans so that I can spend more time focusing on this.

I enrolled in the accelerated summer program, so that I can start earlier, cram a bunch in, therefore finishing quicker. I always have enjoyed moving fast.

This is going to be great. It's going to give me something to focus on, something more important than Levi and all of his bullshit. There are some fabulous classes that are going to provide me with excellent opportunities for creativity. And I'm going to learn how to do something that I know that I will love doing.

Classes start May 19. I can't tell you how excited I am to finally be doing something good for myself.

Somebody made a comment on one of my blog posts yesterday that said, "Faith, can you please make up your mind...Are you in or out of this whole thing? Get a life and move on or stay in the blog and be miserable."

Of course, this comment was meant to be nasty and hurtful, and of course just like every other comment of its kind, it was signed by a "guest." I have a feeling said "guest" is Levi, or his other ex, or one of his other minions. In any case, that doesn't matter. What got me thinking was the subject line of the comment: "Making me dizzy."

Exactly.

I feel dizzy, all the time. I feel like I've been running in circles for the last year and a half. I feel dizzy with stress, dizzy with anger, dizzy with sadness, and dizzy with disappointment.

I don't want any of this.

I would love for things to be normal, for things to be better. I would be overjoyed if Levi would take responsibility as far as his son is concerned. I would love it if we didn't have to go to court. Hey, maybe then I could even get one of those "lives" you speak of!

And I did run circles around that decision. I actually have quite a few issues with the family court system that make me not want to take any part in it.

To start with, I don't agree with pumping my money into a system that doesn't have my best interest in mind. I feel that they actually hope that people won't do the right thing. Why? Because if we all did the right thing, they wouldn't have jobs. If everyone paid their child support there would be no need for child support enforcement. There would be no need for family court judges, family court lawyers, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if I still have feelings for Levi. There, I said it. I suppose this makes me even more human.

Intellectually, I'm sure that I don't. I know that I literally despise what he's done to my son, and I know that I do not have any respect for him, whatsoever, anymore.

But there are moments that I'll reminisce about things he and I did together, and I'll smile. But there are moments where I still miss him. But there are moments when we are SCREAMING at each other, where I'm like, wow. You can't scream at an ex you don't care about, right? You can't scream because you're indifferent, right?

I've had breakups in the past — one big one — and I recall going through these same motions; the pain and devastation, the crying, the name calling and yelling, and then the indifference, which carries you to where you can see each other on the street and stop to say hello.

I recall going through those motions, and I extract comfort from that from time to time in a this-to-shall-pass kind of way. Problem is, these motions went much faster the first time around.

And truthfully, it's really not even me. I mean, I get it that it takes two to tango, but I don't scream at Levi. I try not to engage in arguments with him. I try not to stoop to childish name calling. He, on the other hand, can not control himself. He is incapable of a civil conversation. I cannot understand it.

I have done nothing to warrant this behavior. I have done nothing to deserve his constant verbal abuse. Yet, it happens. Yet, he acts like he hates me.

I am reminded of the boy in grade school that used to pull my hair and make me cry. Later, he told me that he had a crush on me.

No, I don't have feelings for Levi. But maybe he still has them for me?

So, are you all ready for this...Levi actually did something! He called Adrian's doctor and paid his $180 bill. Wow, right? I was pretty amazed myself. I think it took me three minutes standing in front of the receptionist before I realized that my mouth was hanging open.

When I got home, I checked my e-mail and I had this from Levi: "The bill has been paid and they will see Adrian. You can call the doctor's office, go to future appts etc. They will help you get free insurance. They said they told you this but you never followed up. You never follow up with anything."

Okay, that pissed me off. I actually hit the roof on that one. How dare he imply that I don't follow through in regards to my son, in regard to my son's health! Does he have any idea how insulting that is, especially coming from him?!

I mean, geez...he pays one bill — one bill that he was ordered by a judge to pay — and suddenly he thinks he has the right to imply that I'm not a good mother.

Do I need to remind him that I've been here since day one? That I'm the one who takes him to the doctor? That I'm the one who cooks him dinner, gives him baths, takes him to the playground, etc.? Does he need reminding that Adrian climbs into bed with ME at night, that I'm the only one of us that he knows?

I suppose he'd like it if I got down on my knees and thanked him for paying the stupid bill. And you know what, maybe I should, because its really a miracle.

I would really like to believe that Levi did that because he actually has a conscience and it was starting to get to him. I'd like to believe that he paid it out of concern for our son. I'd like to believe all of that, but I'm more inclined to believe that he paid it simply because he's worried that he'll get in trouble if he doesn't.

It's always all about him.

I have been holding back on showing everyone this, mostly because I used to be so thoroughly disgusted and humiliated by it. But today, I looked at it, and actually laughed.

That's when I decided to share it. I mean, who here doesn't need a good laugh, right? Here are the highlights:

He created this in October of 2006. I gave birth to our son in December of 2006. Nice guy, huh?

Okay, on with the laughs. For starters, I can't help but find it utterly hysterical, and somewhat pathetic that he chose the name Sexybeast0007. He could have done without the sexy, I will agree with him on the beast part, though. Next, he claims to be 39, yet he was 41 at the time; but then under the question "The best or worst lie I've ever told" he writes: I never lie.

Laugh on.

The fact that he says that he's single, and has brown hair, is notable, too, especially since he's bald — totally bald. Maybe his hair used to be brown? I guess that's up to his "lucky lady" to figure out.

The fact that he fails to mention that he has two children is disgusting.

Under "Why you should get to know me," you will truly understand, once and for all, what a narcissist this man is. In a paragraph of 30 words or less, I think he calls himself sexy and successful at least three times.

If after you've read all of this, and you've decided you have to date him, but you're upset because he calls himself "picky but worth it," have no fear: it appears that he doesn't have any real requirements for a woman...she just has to be between 22 and 35.

What a loser.

I'm bringing this to court with me. (I have the old version, where his picture was still up.) Mostly to prove that he considers himself to be a successful music and film agent, but also because he admits to using recreational drugs.

Yup, sometimes Levi is a giant moron. Laugh on.

I'm happy. I really am. I have a wonderful family, a great job, a beautiful home, fabulous friends, etc. I know that I am blessed. That's why I can't figure out why it is, that lately, I have this overwhelming urge to just break down and cry.

Actually, at this particular moment, there is nothing that I'd like more than to get in some comfy PJs, wrap myself up in a down comforter, and spend the day crying.

But, I don't have time for such things.

Maybe that's what this is about. I don't seem to have time for anything anymore. I don't have time to take a shower. I don't have time to eat. I don't have time to clean. I don't have much time to talk to my fabulous friends or my wonderful family. Hell, I barely have time to think. And when I do have time to think, all I think about is how many things I have to do.

I start thinking about all of the shit that Levi left sitting in my lap. All of the unpaid bills, for one. And while I'm off working my ass off to pay all of those bills, and to provide our son with such luxuries as health insurance, food, clothing, shelter and, okay, the occasional toy, Levi is off, NOT WORKING, in California and providing himself with such luxuries as, SUVs, expensive dinners, Armani clothing, etc. etc. etc.

And you know what else gets me? Levi has time to take a shower. Levi has time for dates. Levi has time to eat. Levi has time to talk to his insane family.

Of course, when I start thinking of this, I get angry. He isn't around to direct my anger at so, on occasion, I direct it at myself. Anger turned inwards is the definition of depression.

I don't think that I'm depressed, though. I think that I'm overtired, overworked, and pissed off.

I try my hardest to forgive Levi for what he's doing on a daily basis. I feel like I know that deep down, he's a good person. I feel that I know that he is just terribly lost.

I used to think that I had something to prove. That by not pursuing child support from Levi, I was proving to him and to his family that we didn't need them. At the very end of our relationship, they all tried to push me, hard, to put Adrian up for adoption. Since Adrian's birth, whenever the subject of child support has come up, Levi and his mother both said to me, "If you can't hack it, put him up for adoption." I felt like I needed to prove to them that I had made the right choice.

I keep talking about how much time has helped change my perspective on things, and I guess, for now, I will continue to do so, because it really has.

I have grown tremendously as a person from this experience. I feel like I was stripped down to my bare bones, and given the opportunity to start over. I feel like a new person.

As a result, I no longer feel that I have something to prove to them. Their opinion doesn't matter to me. It ceased to matter, when I realized that my son never began to matter to any of them.

That doesn't mean that this sucks any less, though. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to be able to do it all on my own. I simply cannot. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which finances are a necessity. It costs a lot to raise a child, and now, the only person I have to prove anything to is him.

I've made it through another day of this, and moving forward, what strikes me the most, is that I feel stronger. I feel like I can make it through this.

That seems to be what it's going to be for awhile. It sucks, to go to bat with someone who knows you so well. Someone you've shared your deepest self with, someone who really knows how to push your buttons.

Levi knows me better than most people know me. He knows how I feel about arguments, knows that usually I will avoid them at all costs. I'm the kind of person who can't deal with yelling. I don't know why, but whenever someone starts to raise their voice to me, I just shut down. I can't comprehend what they're saying; it's like I go into "safe" mode. Yelling scares me, so I try to avoid it. Which is why, I think, he's doing so much of it lately.

He also knows how much I love my son. My son, I've said, "is my heart walking around outside of my body." He knows that his threats of taking him away from me, stealing him away from me, are crushing to me.

He also knows that I am inherently a good person (why not toot my own horn here?) and will generally forgive quite easily. I honestly think that it's this knowledge that makes him feel so free to be so selfish. The knowledge that one day, I will probably forgive him, and then he gets what he wants. Levi is the kind of guy that always has his cake and eats it too.

He left me a message earlier. Today's threat was this: "If you continue to take me to court, and I'm ordered to pay, that's all I'll ever do. I'll only pay. I'll never have anything to do with him, EVER."

He's said this before, and it used to really upset me. It doesn't anymore. I've come to the conclusion that his relationship, or lack thereof, with Adrian, is up to him. It's not on me to facilitate that. Do you think I'm right?