The Post-Divorce Drop-Off

The Post-Divorce Drop-Off

From A Child Of Divorce

Posted to Adult Children on Divorce by Vanessa M on Fri, 07/06/2012 - 9:10am

I spent over 10 years going to my Dad's House every other weekend, being picked-up on Friday and dropped off on Sunday, and if there is one thing I would share it's this — Insist that your Ex pick-up and drop-off the children.

My parents didn't really get along while I was growing up. My Dad never paid his very meager child support and my Mom was always going after him for it. As a result, I think my Dad did everything in his power to avoid my Mom. And this is the thing about the drop-off — its one time, every week, where they had to see each other. Only they didn't. As soon as my Step-mother was in the picture, my Dad sent her in his place. Right now you're probably asking yourself, like my Mother asked herself, "Well, what am I supposed to do about the way he behaves?" You probably feel that your hands are tied, and maybe they are. So all I want to suggest is this: Try. If he's avoiding you, and the drop-off altogether, by sending a stepmother, girlfriend, relative — talk to him. My Dad wasn't a "Bad Guy". He was just taking the easy way out, and I guess what I'm suggesting is that you make that a little harder for him to do.

I think its important that children see their parents together and being civil with one another. My situation is unique in that I was very young when my parents split. To this day I only have 1 or 2 memories of them together as a couple, and yet, they're my parents. At some point they were in love and decided to have children and 9 months later there I was. I'm all for Blended Families, but I think its also important for children to have a sense of their parents not just as individuals but as the couple that created them. Years later when I graduated college, my parents were in a much better place, and they even held hands while I showed them around the campus. On the one hand it was so incredibly weird! And yet, it was also really nice. It made me feel supported in a way that surprised me. I loved them as individuals but there was something deeply satisfying about seeing them there for me as a unit.

I also think its important, especially once there is a Blended Family situation, that the children still feel like their Father is their parent. The drop-off is a parental responsibility and to hand it off is handing off a part of parenting.

I'm sure it's really hard to talk to your Ex about a lot of things (or maybe you're one of the lucky ones who can, in which case I salute you), but when it comes to things that affect your children, really try. The drop-off, like so many other changes that come with divorce, is a seemingly small thing. But with children, especially small children, it's always the little things they notice, and that stay with them.