I started this blog as a reply to a blog I read on the boards. I felt what the writer felt and I know how easy it is to call a thing [anger] something else [truth]. And yet, what it really boils down to is expressing such a deep hurt that has still not healed and that is not being allowed to properly heal. I guess that is where this blog post comes from. It's not just for the writer of that post, it's for me every time I think about ISO and NEXT. It's something to print out and hang up on my desk so that I can remember that forgiveness isn't for them. It's so I can move on from my divorce and heal.
I know the feelings that make you want to write a post like this. I know them oh so very well. But the truth is that no matter what we tell ourselves to make ourselves 'feel' like we are better than she is [NEXT in my case], those feelings expressed in the post seem really based out of something deep within us that wants to not see ourselves as the 'loser'. We see 'them' in our minds as they go off happily in their little sunset.
And that is where the real problem lies. We keep seeing it as 'us' vs 'them'. It's hard not to. It is especially difficult if they don't let you peacefully recover from the pain they have dealt or the issues they left heaped in your lap. But the true heart of this is that you are still concentrating on 'them'. And that is a separate matter from the issues of the Divorce. I am talking solely of the relationship you once had with 'him' and how 'she' came in between.
When you get to where I have and so many of the other ladies who've been around the boards for a while, you will eventually get more or less beyond the anger and the hurt to a place that is almost indifference. Does it mean anything you said isn't true? Probably not. But this does show me that you are still really hurting. And we are here for you.
For all the other ladies who commented and agreed, it is necessary to let you in on a little secret... they aren't as happy as they want you to think they are. But you have been given a precious gift of freedom. Hold tight to it and learn that despite everything they threw you are moving on. Free of the things you rant about when you think of STBX's face or NEXT's red wedding dress [my own story]. And every time you start wanting to rant, decide what you want more.To look back and move on with grace, or to give yourself license to become bitter.
It is a slippery slope that cuts narrowly between the two. When I first entered this world it would have made me so very angry to read a post like this. But the truth is the truth no matter where you are in the cycle of divorce. So breath deep. Trust in the love and comfort of your sisters, and don't compare yourself to 'them'. They are in a class on their own, and they deserve no such attention. Nor do they deserve your hurt or continued anger.
Anger feels good in the present, but bitter is a poison that lasts forever. And you are the only one carrying it around. Rant about their legal stuff. Rant about the problems they continually throw in your path. And come to us when you feel like crying because the pain is there. But always remember that it is your choice to keep or get rid of the bitterness.
My grandmother was a stalwart woman who schlepped my grandfather from duty station to duty station with their 5 kids. She was a Naval Captain's wife with all that meant. Hosting senators and taking care of the wives in the lower echelons. For over 30 years she was there for him.
And after he retired, he dumped her for a woman who she later found out had been following them from base to base during the entirety of his service. My grandmother never recovered. She died alone, having become so bitter that she could barely attend family functions where he and his NEXT were.
When my own pain and dissolution happened, I experienced horror and anger on such levels that made me realize only a fraction of what her heart must have gone through. And I wept for her as much as for me. But it also made me realize that I did not want to become what she had allowed herself to transform into.
She lost her way in the anger and the bitterness and justified it all through the truth of the matter. But despite her family understanding that the truth was on her side, they didn't join in with her. They shut her off. They left her alone. Because they didn't need or want that in their own lives. They still had to maintain relationships with my grandfather. And to this day, they still smile tightly but grin and bear it when dealing with him and his NEXT.
She passed away some years ago. Her health broken. Her life having never recovered. She never stopped comparing herself to them. On top of that, I am coming up on the 5th of this month to the anniversary of my close friend, Natalie, passing away. It's the first anniversary since she passed. And I still get angry when I have to see the face of her husband. And his NEXT.
But I have to deal with them. I've lost several friends who purposefully turned away when the truth of how he left her was presented to them. They preferred to choose the easy path and not defend her. And so I've seen this story play out in front of my eyes.
But the anger and the hurt don't go away on their own. They keep us warm at night as we cry ourselves to sleep. They sit there and feed off of us. Unless...unless you purposefully turn away from them and let yourself begin to heal. And it's a hard, winding way. But in the end, you will be free. But it's a choice you have to make every day.