I am in a good place now. I pause to think as I sip my coffee in the local café. I come here to write, to think, and reflect. It’s my escape from reality. While sitting here I often reflect on what I refer to as my “past life” even though it was just about a year ago since my marriage came to an abrupt end.
It was a brutal divorce, as they so often are, and emotionally devastating. How does one get over being discarded with the morning trash? Abandoned. I felt like a "whore" (excuse my harsh wording) who had reached her expiration date and was being shown the door.
Currently, I have moved on to create my own business in designing swimwear (Persona Swimwear) for women and continuing my education by getting my masters. I’m well on my way to a career and independence.
It’s hard not to let my mind wander down a path of negativity, my anger fires up and I want to scream-to fight.
Even though I was treated badly, I realized they (the ex's family) do not determine my value. I know what I’m worth. I use this anger as fuel. I’m not going to give up fighting for myself. All the people from my past life may think I’m nothing, but their opinions no longer matter. Mine is the only one that matters.
Independence. Freedom. I no longer have anyone to inspect my cleaning, ask about my productivity, give me a “to do” list, as if I didn’t have any goals or motivations of my own. I used to be full of self-doubt, which the Ex used to “help” me and to give me “advice”.
During my marriage I would get horrible anxiety attacks, feeling I needed to be somewhere, to call my husband and report where I had been. My heart would beat rapidly when I couldn’t make someone happy-a customer, a friend. Any expectations and I would panic. Could I make them happy?
Slowly after my divorce was finalized I started to realize I was safe. I no longer wanted to make anyone happy, just myself. The other voice in my head lessened (the Ex's) and I could hear a different small voice ask “What do you want to do?” I had more energy. I felt guilty, because I started to feel moments of happiness. I started to explore. I dyed my hair red, bought anything with an animal print.
Who is this new person? It's the new me.