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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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I have been away awhile. I still come on and read. My heart aches for those who are just starting this journey. I am finally divorced. I had to leave the house I loved and my former life behind. I have no contact with the man I was married to for close to 13 years. He currently lives with his girlfriend in her house. He replaced our family and me for hers. My daughter sees him sporadically, when he finds time to fit her into his new life. She says he is not the same person he used to be. Neither am I.

Today I am completely free of him and that life I thought I had.

I am completely self-supporting. I started from zero. I didn't even have a driver’s license. I had been a stay at home mom for close to 10 years. Today I have a job I love. I have my own car. I have a beautiful home that I rent for our daughter and myself. I have gone through hell but I got through it. I am independent and I am free. I am happy. Each day gets better and better! I am so grateful for everything and anything that helped me! I have grown exponentially as a human being. I have earned the love and respect of my family and friends. Most importantly, I earned love and respect for myself.

Is it easy? Hell no! But each step I made in the right direction led me to the next step. If I can give any advice it’s this. Take the step, no matter how tiny it may seem. If you're a puddle, get off the fucking floor. Stand up and be a puddle. Be grateful for that. Next day, do it again and take another step. Be grateful for that. Before long you'll look back and begin to see progress. Progress is addicting, life affirming. Best of all, narcs hate to see you make progress. Before long you'll realize that what he thinks or feels really isn't important anymore.

Take the time to heal and be with yourself.

Don't be like the narc and find a replacement relationship. If you're sad or lonely, learn how to soothe yourself. If you're bored, find things you like to do, take up a hobby, exercise. Be good to yourself. Cry when you need to, laugh as much or whenever you can. Spend time with people who like you just the way you are. Get rid of the ones that don't. Believe in yourself. Trust that you will get through this and that the universe will provide. If you believe in God or a higher power, pray and ask for strength and support.

Lastly, if you can pass it forward, do it. It costs nothing.

There were days when I had nothing but a smile or a kind word. A random act of kindness has big dividends! Even in complete darkness, a small light can shine. I hope this reaches someone who really may need it today. I hope it brings some comfort. I was in your shoes not too long ago. You will get through this. We are all survivors. It’s in our DNA. We have the power to go through extreme pain to give life. We go through it and see it as beautiful. In a sense, I have been reborn. I went through pain and labor. I fell down the rabbit hole and came up on the other side. It's true.

It's Tuesday and I found "Meeeeh".

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5 comments

  • Comment Link MLH205 Sunday, 23 July 2017 13:47 posted by MLH205

    What is it about them not wanting us to know where they live? I have his address because the kids are there sometimes, but he's made it very clear (in subtle ways of course) that I cannot come there. He ALWAYS picks up the kids and brings them back. when I offer, it is declined. That is so weird to me. is it about control or not wanting me to see that he has a nicer house than i do, or what?

  • Comment Link MLH205 Sunday, 23 July 2017 13:36 posted by MLH205

    I love your analogy of the pain of giving birth being like the pain of going through a divorce! That really helps me look at it in a totally different light! I'd go through those birth pains a million times for my kids! They are wonderful and have created such joy in my life! So, I can now see the divorce pain as something horribly unpleasant, but something beautiful and joyous will be given to me on the other side of it! Thank you so much for writing this and sharing!!

  • Comment Link Max Sunday, 09 July 2017 23:19 posted by Max

    Glad that I read this. This afternoon has been exceptionally difficult! He just came back from an overseas trip, but this time, he did not come back to our house. He didn't even tell me he was back safe. Earlier than expected. He stopped in Dallas, went to his mistress's house. I cannot stand the thought of him not coming back to me, it is all so new!!! But then again, I can never trust him again. I can never make love to him again! Uugghhh! It's only been 7 weeks since I found out and my heart is broken. I wish I can forward my life with at least 4 months!! I have packed at least 3/4 of the house. I need to move on! Why do I feel so miserable if I know it's best this way!?? Something good HAS to come from all of this, right?? I wish I could see them together, so I can get that kind of closure. At this point, she is only a name, and the chosen one.

  • Comment Link cherylp1217 Monday, 26 June 2017 22:56 posted by cherylp1217

    I love this!

  • Comment Link LaVerne Brimer Monday, 26 June 2017 20:46 posted by LaVerne Brimer

    I'm where you are right now-
    - everything you said is true. There were some days I wasn't sure if I wanted to wake up.
    I lived for 5 years not knowing where my husband lived. However- worse than that... if I back it up 5 years prior.. and countless therapy sessions both alone and with him....I was depressed beyond my own control. I kept trying to make it work- only to be met with adversity in all my efforts!
    Only to find out- he had been sleeping with the assistant principal he worked under! Literally!
    Going forward 5 years again/ my son finally found out where he was living and I now not only have closure- but peace of mind ! It was terrible for my 2 sons and I not knowing for 5 years!
    I begged him to tell me if there was someone else. He admitly denied - countless times.
    Imagine ? Your own child finding receipts in his car by simply snooping around!
    Poor kid lived with it for a year until he couldn't take it anymore- He too was miserable to see me like this/One day he came to me and said " mom- I finally have closure! He disclosed all the info to me.
    Ofcourse I had to check it out myself- and snuck into a gated community ...and there it was " THE ABSOLUTE nail in the coffin .I saw him and her.
    Now one might think ..." Did you confront them?
    Well as angry as I was... at that moment in time... my prayers were answered. Not only did I get closure... but the truth !!!!!
    I have moved on at that exact moment!!!!
    I felt like after I saw him with her in the house... I literally ride off into the sunset