I'm impatient with healing. I swear, if I could have brain surgery, where they remove all memories of my ex - I'd be first in line. I now totally understand the desire to immerse oneself in booze, drugs, and torrid one-night stands, or in my case, food - anything to make me forget, even for a moment. I was telling my counselor this, wanting to know how to speed up the process. I am glad to be out of that sick relationship; happy with the cozy little nest I'm creating with my dog, and loving my freedom. And it hasn't even been a year yet. Man, am I impatient.
But I find myself still wrapping a blanket around me and weeping, still upset over horrid memories of abuse, still caught off guard in stores or when chatting with people - at a thought of my ex that flies through my brain, hurts my heart and hits me hard. I'm still shocked at how horrible my relationship really was.
My counselor very gently reminded me, for about the 100th time, that the only way to heal is 'through' it, not running from the pain. She reminded me that often in abusive relationships, we are so caught up with our children and pleasing our ex (or in my case my ex's health problems) that we often just struggle to survive. We thrust our pain away. We don't 'feel'. Or at least, I didn't. I would wake up every morning and present myself to my husband as his own personal punching bag, thinking, "Poor, baby. He has so many illnesses." I loved him, never planned to leave, right up until he blindsided me with a discard.
My counselor reminded me that I have decades of sadness to 'feel' - as we all do - all the times we were put down, ignored, and hurt deeply. But she suggested I maybe look at it differently, to look at each tear as a tiny hug from God. To look at tears as a cleansing, a removal of sadness, healing, and just let them flow through me as I take deep breaths in and out. Then she said, "At the end of a bout of tears, to whisper 'I now let it go'. I even played the Frozen song - Let it Go - to get me on track. LOL. The other day, I tried this. The memories surfaced, the tears flowed, but I was safe in my nest with my dog, wrapped in a cozy blanket. And I felt joy.
By letting the sadness wash through me, not only did I feel I was letting go, but I also found it left me with a deep-rooted determination to NEVER, EVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ABUSED AGAIN. So now, as far as I'm concerned, bring on those tears, those tiny hugs, as I create a life that is narc-free. Not sure if this makes sense - LOL - but it certainly helped me. A lot. Just thought I'd share. :)