I'm just learning that it can be the small things in life that have the biggest impact. The Dog Rescue Organization just approved me and I will be getting my precious doggie. There are a plethora of things that could bring me great joy and pleasure, but in my life, in a life I've rarely ever known without being surrounded by 'critters' had left a huge void in my heart. The turmoil with my STBX, lack of finances and emotional instability just made this an impossibility.
I had to focus on making a new life and everything I did was about survival.
It's been several years since my STBX declared he was walking out on me and my child and my life has been all about simply surviving. For months upon months I didn't buy myself a T-shirt, a new pair of socks or a new bra. I never went out to eat, I never bought myself a piece of chocolate, a cappuccino, or a piece of cake. I never went anywhere that had an admission fee, and the occasions were few and far between that I shopped anywhere other than Wal-Mart or the Dollar stores. Admittedly, still a hard habit to break.
Everything I did, everything I bought had a purpose directly related to building a new life, a life I so desperately craved. The only clothes I bought were specifically related to work. I replaced make-up and toiletries as needed; I maintained minimal car maintenance always keeping a few dollars' gas in the tank and whatever else I could justify as absolute necessities. I got really good at it, (that's not to say that I wasn't deeply saddened or affected by it). but I survived beyond my wildest imagination.
Now, most everything in my life has worked itself out and I feel 'grounded'. I have achieved calm, peace and order and I decided I was finally going to allow myself to do something for me. Adopting a dog was that something. It is possibly the ultimate gift to myself for all that I sacrificed and endured for the past several years. Of course freedom, peace of mind, self love, and all the obvious comforts of this next stage of my life is reward enough, but the dog, well, it's a just a nice big slice of happiness for me.
Not only did I survive my escape from narc abuse and my journey, but I also exceeded my expectations.
It doesn't matter what it is any of us want or hope to achieve down the road if it makes us happy. I always thought that many people take 'normal' for granted but those of us here at FWW, generally speaking, just want to live a free, happy and simple life. I've learned that while the fight may be fierce and the struggles seemingly insurmountable every road has an end. But you can't get to the end of the road if you don't buckle up and keep moving forward. You have to stop for gas, a snack, a snooze, a stretch, but you have to get back on that road or you will end up nowhere but in the middle of somewhere you don't want to be.
So you have two choices. Turn around and go back to where you started from or get back behind the wheel, back on the road and continue on to your destination. Maybe we'll hit a snow storm, rain storm, 20 miles of construction, sweltering heat with no A/C, freezing temps when the heater decides to go on the fritz, heaven forbid a flat tire or desperately needing a bathroom break and realizing we just missed the exit ramp but eventually we do get to our destination. And we all know that feeling of getting out of the car after hours upon hours of driving. It's awesome! Almost liberating.
We all came to FWW for the same reason. We are/were married to a Narcissist. Some are Sociopathic, and some Bi-Polar, but all of them Narcs nonetheless. If someone told me a few years ago that I would be living life as I am now, I would have told them they were crazy, to shut the heck up because they didn't know how bad my life really was and that it could never happen for me. But it did. I could never have known it then, but I knew nothing was going to change unless I did 'something'. I had to, and I did figured it out as I went, step by step, mile by mile, and most important I never gave up. I drove the distance and about two years later I reached my destination.
My reward, my gift to myself is my new doggie. This is the happiest I've been in too many years. And btw, my son's health is the best it's been in a very long time and he just left the apartment for his first day of his new job. Life just keeps on getting better. Stay buckled up and keep driving forward and you 'will' reach your destination.