I am now 10 days in my own apartment, 10 days of 100% no contact, months since I was discarded. First thing I've noticed is how relaxed I am. I never realized I walked around my narcissist with every muscle tensed, and I was stressed out of my mind. Life was a battleground and I awoke every morning wondering. And, like most of us, I walked on eggshells, weighing every word so as not to upset him.
I'm calmer and my head is clearer now.
Wow, wipe out all the verbal abuse, criticism, and hurtful comments from your life and suddenly you're not caught up in a web of confusion wondering, "What did I do THIS time, to cause the latest silent treatment." I laugh more. I smile more. I had the TV on for my pet to drown out some noises in the hall, and once I looked up, saw a funny commercial and laughed. Wow, I would have been so caught up in stress before to even notice if the television was even on, yet alone laugh at something.
I love not being interrupted a million times, being blamed for everything, being hurt, crying all the time, feeling sad and all alone, while supposedly in a relationship. I've blocked his email and his family's emails so I will never know if they ever contact me, and I told my family and friends to not tell me if they run into him or he calls them.
I can finally allow myself to feel my feelings, but I'm more clear-headed.
I now can see my marriage for what it was; I gave, and he took; he pushed, and I gave in. I excused his horrid treatment of me as, 'poor guy, he's sick', instead of 'he's a narcissist.' It feels kind of weird still and like a dream. It all happened so fast, very narc style, and it seems odd to have no contact with someone I was with for so many years, but I see the importance of that. I now need to shush his 'voice' and allow my own to 'speak'.
I talk to a counselor every week, sometimes more, to help process it all. I'm still amazed when I arrived home that day and he told me he was moving that I never said a word. And in the time we remained cohabitated, I never spoke to him except once and he was so cruel. After that I refused to meet with him again and business was carried out in terse, limited emails. I never knew I had that strength in me, to hold my own, to not allow myself to ever be hurt by him again. The fact that he was increasingly getting crueler towards me helped a lot and made it easier to separate.
I'm finally laying my 'coulda, shoulda, woulda' statements to rest, knowing that everything led to this moment, and in this moment I'm okay. Actually, I'm better than okay. The peace, oh the peace. The freedom; oh, the freedom. Life is good.