I'm sitting here surrounded by boxes, waiting for the movers to arrive. In a few hours I'll be moved into my apartment. Later today, I will drive down this driveway for the last time. My narc is out and about on the property, and twice I have passed him. I keep my head down, I don't look at him, and I say nothing. So many years and this is how it ends. Admittedly I'm sad, but not as sad as I was yesterday. I wish I could say something to him, hug him, shake his hand, wish him well, but I won't. I will not EVER open myself again to his biting tongue and cruel words. I will not chance him hurting me again and being reduced to tears. Years of that is enough. It hurts a lot. I can't seem to shake the memories of all the years I took care of him. He lived to discard me, and cruelly too.

I'm embarrassed the way I lived, ashamed actually.

I lived in horrid conditions of extreme cold and heat and put up with so much verbal abuse, to the point I weighed every word I said to avoid narc rages. And I was blamed for everything. It became a challenge to me, to see how he would blame me for things. I'd watch and listen and I tell you, he was very creative. And his barbs knifed me. I'm sure everyone here can relate. I did not choose to leave. I love deeply and would have stayed to the end.

So I am sad, but I'm also excited, too. My new apartment is clean and bright and cozy and safe. I am across the road from a park and a river that my dog and I often walk through. The apartment also has a grassy courtyard, which is cool for my dog. I am living in town now, as opposed to the country, and I am closer to a church and many friends.

I will no longer fear hurtful words from my narcissist and horrid silences of anger. 

I will be safe. I will no longer wake up wondering. I will no longer feel stressed and tense and sad, so sad, and so lonely. I'm sure I will feel lonely sometimes, but never the depth I felt when living with my narc. I will no longer tiptoe around the house, and I can cut a damn veggie without being told how to hold the knife. I will be able to take a deep long breath and relax. I can shop and add some things I love to the apartment without the third degree.

Most of all, I can allow my inner authentic stifled self to come out of its cage and fly. And I can write until my heart's content, with no one bothering me. So I am sad, but I am free. And today I also go no contact from him and his family. I know that will be hard, but the only way. I just cannot handle EVER being hurt again by these people. And I will be warm in the cold and cool in the heat.

I thank all the beautiful women I have met here on First Wives World with all of my heart.

I read once that if you ever want to find wonderful, kind women, go find a narc's discards. And it's true; we are all kind, loving, caring and just plain beautiful. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me and helped to lead me to this point. It's been a whirlwind, but I could never, ever, have navigated it without the sage advice found on this site. And I am very aware that I do not have to co-parent with a narc. So I pray for all of you who do. So onwards and upwards, and here's to genuine smiles of joy and laughter and to never ever being put down by a narc again.

(originally posted in our private community)