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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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I'm sitting here surrounded by boxes, waiting for the movers to arrive. In a few hours I'll be moved into my apartment. Later today, I will drive down this driveway for the last time. My narc is out and about on the property, and twice I have passed him. I keep my head down, I don't look at him, and I say nothing. So many years and this is how it ends. Admittedly I'm sad, but not as sad as I was yesterday. I wish I could say something to him, hug him, shake his hand, wish him well, but I won't. I will not EVER open myself again to his biting tongue and cruel words. I will not chance him hurting me again and being reduced to tears. Years of that is enough. It hurts a lot. I can't seem to shake the memories of all the years I took care of him. He lived to discard me, and cruelly too.

I'm embarrassed the way I lived, ashamed actually.

I lived in horrid conditions of extreme cold and heat and put up with so much verbal abuse, to the point I weighed every word I said to avoid narc rages. And I was blamed for everything. It became a challenge to me, to see how he would blame me for things. I'd watch and listen and I tell you, he was very creative. And his barbs knifed me. I'm sure everyone here can relate. I did not choose to leave. I love deeply and would have stayed to the end.

So I am sad, but I'm also excited, too. My new apartment is clean and bright and cozy and safe. I am across the road from a park and a river that my dog and I often walk through. The apartment also has a grassy courtyard, which is cool for my dog. I am living in town now, as opposed to the country, and I am closer to a church and many friends.

I will no longer fear hurtful words from my narcissist and horrid silences of anger. 

I will be safe. I will no longer wake up wondering. I will no longer feel stressed and tense and sad, so sad, and so lonely. I'm sure I will feel lonely sometimes, but never the depth I felt when living with my narc. I will no longer tiptoe around the house, and I can cut a damn veggie without being told how to hold the knife. I will be able to take a deep long breath and relax. I can shop and add some things I love to the apartment without the third degree.

Most of all, I can allow my inner authentic stifled self to come out of its cage and fly. And I can write until my heart's content, with no one bothering me. So I am sad, but I am free. And today I also go no contact from him and his family. I know that will be hard, but the only way. I just cannot handle EVER being hurt again by these people. And I will be warm in the cold and cool in the heat.

I thank all the beautiful women I have met here on First Wives World with all of my heart.

I read once that if you ever want to find wonderful, kind women, go find a narc's discards. And it's true; we are all kind, loving, caring and just plain beautiful. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me and helped to lead me to this point. It's been a whirlwind, but I could never, ever, have navigated it without the sage advice found on this site. And I am very aware that I do not have to co-parent with a narc. So I pray for all of you who do. So onwards and upwards, and here's to genuine smiles of joy and laughter and to never ever being put down by a narc again.

(originally posted in our private community)

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1 comment

  • Comment Link VictoriaC Tuesday, 07 June 2016 18:57 posted by VictoriaC

    WOW! You've come a long way. You've been through hell and you've learned from it, gained strength from it, gained wisdom and compassion for yourself. Kudos to you for your strength and your ability to see a better future!

    We have all learned lessons no one should have to learn. I am still walking on eggshells, but the time will come when I no longer have to do that. I'm preparing for the battle, but I'm not yet strong enough for the divorce. But it's coming, I can feel it. Every day is a bit closer to it and I'm more prepared, emotionally, physically and financially.

    May God bless you richly in your new life. You've earned your freedom - spread your wings and become the woman you were always meant to be.

    Love and healing energy headed your way.