Well, I'm a new discarded, and I've been learning lots from all the lovely women on this site. Thank you. I realize now my father was probably a narcissist and that was why I stayed with my narc; his abuse was familiar and well known to me.
Why the abused run back to the abuser.
But lately I've been thinking about how much I understand why the abused run back to the abusers. It was my comfort zone, and it's all I've ever known. To be berated, ignored, given the silent treatment, and treated like crap has basically been my life.
But I entered into counseling years ago, really searching for healing. I would not leave my narc, but he left me. And somehow a joyful life force has emerged and I am reaching out to see what life could possibly be like - without abuse in it.
This morning I decided to picture myself holding a tiny baby representing my authentic self and then to draw a circle of love around me. And I am going to fill my circle with love as I strive to get to know the self I lost by being with a narc. I'm going to applaud my baby steps and smiles and attempts to believe that I deserve a life without insults. And I am going to protect myself, too.
No one is allowed inside my circle, unless they are filled with love.
I don't want to go back to my safe world of abuse or get involved with another narc because it's all I know. So my circle of love, which also includes God, is what I'm going to focus on because, man, there has just gotta be more out there than being ripped apart every day.
Yes, I am afraid but I'm going for it. I'm going to really focus on getting to know myself again and reaching out for the love I deserve by first loving myself. And I don't mean I'm looking for another man (blech) but I deserve to live in a world without being hurt all the time by hurled insults from damaging narcs.
Not sure if this makes sense but it sure does to me. To hell with my narc, I want to live and live with joy and authenticity and not be caught up in all their crap that weighed me down. So yep, I'm in my own circle of love right now and I'm loving it.