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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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Yep! I am writing a blog about blogging. Too funny!

I recently read an article on recovering from narcissistic relationships. It was a Psychology Today article. I thought I had kept it but I am unable to find it but the gist of it was this:

Is blogging helpful for recovering from a narcissistic relationship?  

He, the author of the blog asking the question, preferred patients to see a counselor.  He was well aware that this was because he was a professional counselor. Blogging as part of the healing process is a new enough concept. It use to be that in the old days one would simply keep a journal, but now the internet has put a new spin on the old, faithful journal. Your private journal can become public and allow interaction with others. So, he was asking: Does blogging help you?  Because it could easily be added to his professional counseling practice.  

I. He goes on to give a few pros and cons on journaling publically or blogging.

The few cons that I remember were 1) You can find yourself in a group of people that only think like you think. They could actually be reinforcing bad behavior/concepts/ideas. 2) Your ex spouse/friends/family might find your private journals. Those things are out there in cyber space and you might not be able to erase it, fix it, and hide it. But that won't be necessary if you don't go places that you could regret.

The few pros that I remember were 1) It gives you a place for your voice or side of the story to be heard. 2) Other people with similar situations/experiences/history can give positive feedback and that interaction can be positive for both the giver and the receiver. 3) Blogging on an on line forum can take the place of a "support group." Not everyone can financially afford a support group. Not everyone has access to a much needed support group because of their location or where they live.

II. Anonymous?

Is it a pro or con that you can blog with full anonymity? No one knows who you are. This could be a pro or a con? Pro: It can allow you to say what needs to be said. It can allow one to be honest and to really look at their "issues" and how they got to be in the "place" that they are at. Honesty is something that a narcissist can't do. Con: BUT blogging anonymously could also create a "false self." hmmmm buzz words "false self." Isn't this one of the core problems with narcissism?

Recently a narcissistic ex husband put on a show. He logged into FWW under various names. He threw barbs calling us hypocrites, he threatened some and tried to charm others. Basically, he threw a little, public, hissy fit. He wouldn't go away, and even though he was removed by the sight administrator again and again. (((pooooof!))) Well, there went anonymity. He expected our blogs to just disappear. That we would retreat in fear and he could isolate us from FWW.

When that happened, you all surprised me and others with your strength, understanding and love. Underscoring the point that I have a voice. You have a voice. We all have a voice.  I get so used to everyone believing the charm, spinning truth, other world reality etc. But you all are an educated and experienced audience.

I asked men at random if they would join a women's group and tell their side of the story (his voice). They ALL said "NO!" or "NO FREAKING WAY!" It was explained to me that there was no way that any man should ever enter "that" world... an on line support group designed for divorced and divorcing woman who are healing from broken and narcissistic relationships. Most normal men would instinctively know not to "start a fight" on the ex wives "home turf." I was surprised to hear the sport's analogy. “Gotta” love men, normal men that is. It was a good laugh every time I asked the question. The at randomly asked men agreed: "The woman would eat him alive!" And you did.

III. Blogging to health. 

But why remove the narcissistic ex husband's blogs?  Maybe because what he was doing isn't what we do hear. We don't fight, we heal. I recently went through my blogs and realized that even though my ex husband is the inspiration of my blogs, the blogs are about processing and healing. They are in fact about: ME.

1) Blogging gave me a VOICE. I hadn't been "me" with a voice in a long time. Living with a narcissist strips you of your identity. I could say anything I wanted and it didn't even have to be correct. I didn't have to prove why I though or felt the way I felt. It was what I thought and felt and that was good enough. A certain amount of "self care" is necessary in order to heal.

2) Blogging gave me a place to PROCESS why and what now. I at first had to understand what had happened to me. It gave me a place to bounce ideas off of other ladies who were newer, further along and at the same stages of healing as I was. It made me feel normal enough and cared for. I had to understand what narcissism was in order to "see" how to get to a healthier place. It wasn't me, it was “him”. Then, I had to explore "my part" in it. What about me got me here. The "what" and "why" questions get answered one at a time until you feel normal enough and your old self again blended with an older and wiser you: the process towards healing.

3) Blogging brought a sense of FAMILY. It allowed me to throw out there my questions, thought processes, to give and receive valuable information, validation, knowledge, what to expect next (the stages of grieving from a narcissist) etc. Not all feed back "stuck." But eventually something would resonate with me and a new level of healing would be achieved. It gave me companionship along a very long journey; something that friends and family were overwhelmed with doing at times.

4) Blogging was available when the NEED came up. Narcs are known for causing chaos. They like to have narc supply and don't give up easily. When a narc eventually abandons you, it leaves you in a huge mess. The chaos reaches all areas of your life. It is hard to live normal when one is always putting out fires. The chaos is relational, financial, and survival. Narcs destroy everything they touch. You can be going along just fine with your no contact, gray rock, and quiet as a church mouse. Happy, you are AND then BAM! The Narc strikes... AND running home to FWW I go... blog away... and the lovely ladies give advice right on cue, which is much needed and timely. What a wonderful resource as needed, any time of the day, 24/7. You just can't do that with a professional counselor.

5) Blogging freezes TIME. I like how I can go back and read old blogs and see how much I have grown. Sometimes we think we aren't making any progress. But we are... slowly and over time. As long as I have to go through this narc stuff, I might as well learn something along the way. Self-improvement is a good thing. I also like the fact that any one who needs help and relates to my story in any way can go through my blog history and pull out the breadcrumbs if there are any to be had to expedite their own healing. As long as I have to go through this narc stuff, it might as well help someone else too. Even if you find your self at a different stage of healing than me, you can go through my back blogs and find that I was once where you are at now. It gives hope for better tomorrows. And I can do the same with someone else's story.

Conclusion: So, why do you blog?

If you haven't yet, give it a try.  There are pros and cons. Personally, the worst possible thing that could happen has happened to me.  Narcs have blogs, but who cares?  A narc could never understand because he can't hear any voice but his own.  He didn't "hear" me when we were married, why would he now?  What's he going do with them?  Torture himself with reading and not understanding into the wee hours of the night making notes on all my "lies?" and tell whom?  The divorce ended many years ago.  It's old news.  Who cares?  Not me. This is my VOICE. It is a VOICE in the night proclaiming health and healing and a brighter tomorrow.  Happy healing is the best revenge if you’re into that sort of thing.  I have a voice and a narrative all of my own that he can't control.  I found "myself" again.  AND YOU CAN TOO! As the man in the article asked, "Is blogging helpful for recovery from a narcissistic relationship?" For me: YES.  Find your VOICE again! (((HUGS))) He no longer defines you. You have great value and great worth.

(originally posted by a member of our community.)

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