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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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A narcissist likes to play games. (Setting the stage to feed off of narc supply).

They groom you and others for information.  They grab onto the smallest little thing and make a plan.  They manipulate, spin information, tell lies and half-truths.  They like to isolate. They isolate people and feed them the truth but not the whole truth to set the stage.  When all the people have the pieces of information that a narc wants them to have, then and only then does a Narc pull the "trigger" to put chaotic events (narc supply) in motion. The term "trigger" is a real term coined by professionals in the mental health field to help describe the above behavior of a narcissist personality disordered person.

It is so important to take a deep breath and not react. (Don't feed the beast Narc supply).

Why?  When you start to talk to all the other players in the narc drama, you will find that they thought this or that, while you thought this and the other thing. 

Open communication is the key to ending the drama.  But the open communication shouldn't be with the narcissist.  It should be with all the other people involved.  "Shed some light on the truth" and end the game. It amazes me how different people "see" things when they have ALL of the information. In court it is important to not let misinformation into court record.  The lying and manipulation is an evil and pointless and unnecessary game. 

Timelines have prevented the narcissistic games and helped with correcting misinformation. You need to sit down and put everything onto a blank calendar in order.  Put it in chart form.  Put a date on the left with the event in paragraph on the right. Highlight the events and then correlate supporting documents and/or emails.  Used colored highlighter on the chart and matching blank post it notes on the documents. You can even write the event on the post-it note.  Make many copies of the documents (one for the judge, lawyers, yourself, and the ex).  The timeline was very important because a Narc ex will tend to twist the facts.  Narc's may not lie, but but are know to rearrange the truth out of order to tell a different story.  The timeline gives us the ability to glance and say, "Objection your honor, that happened after or before such and such." The order of events is just as important as the event itself.  It's all a game to a Narc. He loves misinformation to promote his evil and blame.  

Communication through Email only has ended the "he said - she said" game.  It has left the Narc with only a few options for fun: The "I thought you meant" game and the "I didn't get it in time" game.  It is clear what you mean in the email... and he won't get it in time if he chooses not to get it in time.  But these two games have their limits too.  The authorities have only so much patience. Most people read and write emails every day. Misunderstanding within emails do occur but I follow the email rules when dealing with a narcissist.

  • Keep it short and to the point, short enough for a judge to read in 2 to 3 seconds.  
  • Write without emotions as if you are righting to the judge/court - Professional.
  • Take the "I" out of it.  It softens the email and makes things less about "control." example: I want Jonny to have his homework done on your weekend because I have plans. OR Jonny has to do his homework this weekend to stay on top of things.  

The emails come into smart phones or tablets just as easily as a phone call.  Emails can be saved (and I do in a folder called "dickhead").  I have years of emails. I am glad that I do because the recently "triggered" events date so far back are full of misinformation.  Narc games can occur over any information or fear that a narc thinks you might be vulnerable too.  This information was usually groomed from you when you were a loving and caring wife. It is evil. While you were an adoring wife, he was playing Narc Games. 

There are three ways to protect yourself from a narcissist. (Starving the beast of narc supply).  The idea is to get a Narc to leave you alone, and to play his games somewhere else.  Sometimes Narcs just up and leave you when you least expect it to never see or hear from them again (abandonment).  Some times they show up after years (love bombing or blaming).  Sometimes it takes years for them to go away (letting you go/control). However the Narc has decided to treat you, from total abandonment to total harassment, these are the three tools to use.  I have done all three.  It works. Put into your browser "no contact" or "gray rock" or "mirroring" a long with words like "Divorce" "Narcissist" "Sociopath."  The material on the web is endless.  Mirroring is the hardest one to find and the least recommended. Mirroring is basically treating the Narc the way he treats you. I have been mirroring this week.  I am exhausted.  But it works.  When I am on the other side of my next court date, I will be more than happy to tell you the game, the trigger, the mirror. 

No Contact, Gray Rock (also have seen it as gray rock) or Robot, and MirroringI have done all three.  It works. Put into your browser "no contact" or "gray rock" or "mirroring" a long with words like "Divorce" or "Narcissist".  The material on the web is endless.  Mirroring is the hardest one to find and the least recommended. Mirroring is basically treating the Narc the way he treats you.  It's can be exhausting to mirror, but it works.  

STRESS MANAGEMENT TIP OF THE DAY FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS:

Vitamin B. Vitamin B complex for daily stability.  Water soluble (your body takes only what it wants), inexpensive, over the counter, unable to take too many and your bodies’ natural defense. Sold anywhere you can buy a vitamin. Many brands and options. Weight lifters and athletes take it for stress on the body.  You and I would take it to Support Nerve Health.  Dealing with a narcissist is stressful- your nerves are shot and you are loosing your mind.  Help your sanity by feeding the body Vitamins - the vitamin B complex. I was take a daily dosage three times a day.  I am now down to two daily dosages. My doctor recommended this. It helps me manage stress naturally. 

For Narc encounters,  I like to take vitamin B12.  I find vitamin B12 in most flavored energy drinks - like Gatorade or Vitamin Water - look at the labels. There is usually a lot of sugar in these drinks, but I figure it is better than a soda or pop or coke (depending on where you live).  It helps to drink an energy drink when you know your ex is (co-parenting) coming to one of the kid's sports events or band concerts or you know you'll run into him or his skank etc.  It also gives you something to do with nervous hands.  Sloshy flavored energy drink to swirl around and change from hand to hand while you cheer your son or daughter on, it helps. 

My ultimate favorite for emergencies to take is Methyl Cobalamin - vitamin B-12 cherry flavored sublingual. It goes under the tongue dissolving slowly going directly into the blood stream.  My ex can be Narc raging, screaming at me in person in court, loud enough to put the bailiff on edge and I will be as calm as a sunny Sunday afternoon at the park.  I take one before I go into the courtroom.  I can be shaken by a nasty email and one of these puts me right again very quickly.  After all, single parenting and working and cooking and cleaning and laundry... you have stuff to do... you don't have time to let him unnerve you.  So be happy and move on.  Support your nerve health by not playing narc games, breath and No Contact/Gray Rock/Mirroring and Vitamin B Complex. 

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2 comments

  • Comment Link Jason Thursday, 04 August 2016 01:17 posted by Jason

    How do I fix myself? I'm a narcissts

  • Comment Link Jane Sunday, 17 July 2016 11:44 posted by Jane

    My ex narc was often disappearing, always aloof and never listened. I escaped after rage 2 went no contact. The end as a new partner emerged weeks later. Phew

    But NO he has continued to watch over me, attempting to have meaningful conversations on messenger. I continually remind him it's not appropriate and use gray rock, mirroring etc.

    He reacts with anger on the occasions where I've said 'no you have a girlfriend' or 'it's over'. I wrote to say I need to block you because "you are in a relationship". This made matters worse with visits until I unblocked him.

    What I see is a nut case, no logic, lies & secrets. I read about his personality sickness at the time I recognised I was being abused (raged at & blamed).
    I wasn't convinced he was a narc as I didn't expect the aftermath of grooming or such vigorous efforts with the hoovering.

    They are very predicable according to my reading & experience. One day I'll be free that's my dream.