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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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I haven't been able to relax and sit in a hot tub for a while now; long baths are the way I deal with stress.  I have just endured great stress.  I am sick, and I am in a "just don't care" mood, but my divorce if finally close to being over.  All the arguments and negotiations are made.  Now is the time that I just have to wait on the court to make it all official.  It moves slowly.  Soon the decisions about child support will be made, and then the decisions about custody will be made.

It's all over with a little time.  There are no more legal games or avenues, which means I think I just "defeated a Narcissist."  I am not an expert.  I do not want to be your life coach, but I do want to tell you what I did.  When I first divorced: I had been putting research questions in my browser: mental illnesses, narcissism, PTSD, recovery, why he such and such, why I such and such. 

I was done at one point and was going to say good-bye to FWW.  Then I was sued again by the Narc.  So, I began putting research questions in my browser: how do you defeat a narcissist?  But I kept getting the old answers; the answers you get in the beginning stages.  I switched my browser question: "how do you defeat a sociopath in court".  Wow, a whole new world of answers and questions and things to read.  Many of you kept saying that I was so strong.  I'm not.  I am trying to solve a problem.  Some of you think that my ex is more over the top than others.  He is not.

When I first joined FWW, I was at home sick with the flu.  Out of sheer boredom and frustration, I put very personal questions into my browser.  I was surprised that there were answers to what had happened to me.  I put in over a dozen questions with only one website popping up with the answer over and over again.  That website was First Wives World.  I found out that I was not alone.  As individual stories, we are very unique and special, BUT as a bigger picture, we are common.  Our names and faces change, but the driving force behind the illness of personality disorder is all the same. 

How narcissism manifests itself has variations, but the root cause is the same. 

If the above thought is true, then "what to do when he (fill in the blank)" and "what not to do when he does (fill in the blank)" can have predictable results.  You can predict a bigger picture outcome with varying results.  Many of us learn by trial and error.  We try this and that, and what worked for one might help another.  It isn't wrong to make a wrong decision or mistakes, it is wrong to just give up trying.  You aren't so broken than you can't be respected and love.  I think the old saying "If first you don't succeed, try, try again" rings true.  

In regards to court and relationships, sometimes we only get the one shot at it.  Live your life in a way that you can live with the outcome.  I have rambled before about taking the higher road not being exactly right.  I think boundaries are the way to go.  Set your boundaries and do the right thing when you can.  

I am a firm believer in the Bible. 

I know what love is.  God is love.  I Cor. 13 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.  Love never fails."  Because I know what "love is."   I know what narcissism is.  Narcissism is the absence of love.  "Perfect love casts out all fear."  The opposite of love is not hate it is fear.  A narcissist loves making you a scapegoat or sacrifice and controls you through fear.  That is not love. 

"No greater love than this, that a man lays down his life for a friend."  He gives of himself.  In the spirit of Christmas: Jesus came to bring peace.  He came as a baby and lived perfect. He laid down his life for a friend (Easter).  He was sacrificed himself so that we can be reconciled to the Father in heaven.  A narcissist came to bring drama for his own entertainment and clothes himself to appear to be perfect.  God covers us with his love and forgiveness so that we can be seen as perfect like he is.  There isn't anything so wrong with us that we can't be loved.  John 3:16 God loved.  God gave, and he gives everlasting life.  

I believe in reconciliation: a narcissist is unable to say he is sorry. 

He is unable to repent. He is unable to feel how another person feels.  Jesus felt how it was to be 100% man.  He was also 100% God.  An oxymoron:  He was 100% man and 100% God at the same time.  He was God wrapped in flesh born as a baby and died saying, "forgive them for they know not what they do."  And we really don't.  None of us have no idea what we are doing.  I can forgive and move on and be happy.  I forgive as I have been forgiven.  But there will be no peace, forgiveness, reconciliation or love coming from a narcissist. I am created on purpose. I am not an accident of nature or of my parents. God sees me his creation and God loves me personally.  If every man understood that there would be no such thing as a narcissist.  After all, a Narcissist is just a tormented soul trying to love himself because he won't trust the world or any one above or in it to love him.  In the end it defeats the whole concept of love.  Love is an outward expression.  Narcissism is an inward expression. 

The conclusion to all of this is I think I found out how to defeat a narcissist. 

The answer surprised me.  Change.  I have changed.  Narcissists don't.  They remain their nasty, old self.  They are going to chase (Gal. 5:22) love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness for the rest of his life and never find it.  Their soul is lost, but we have changed.  I cried, read, studied, asked questions, got angry, made mistakes, tried again, apologized, reconciled with friends and family, went no contact with others, grew up, let it go, moved on, rediscovered myself, gray rock, stayed the course, did some things right, gave it my all, gave up, set boundaries, reset boundaries, became apathetic towards him, launched my kids, struggled with money time and health, and on and on it goes. 

I did the hard work of "change."  I lived transparent:  it is what it is.  It has not been a fake mask or an image on my part.  I didn't declare myself happy.  I earned my happiness.  It's been "real."  I am happy in spite of circumstances and in spite of a sabotaging narcissist.  As of today, I have defeated a narcissist. Merry Christmas!  If you can, please remember, you are loved.

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12 comments

  • Comment Link Aliveagain Thursday, 11 May 2017 21:00 posted by Aliveagain

    I also love this post!! This sense of clarity, perspective, and as much closure as can be possible from a narc, speaks through your message. Thank you for putting into words what I hope to accomplish.
    Defeating the narcissist. I will find defeat when I no longer find their words in my thoughts. When I no longer feel less of a person because someone put me down and used me to feel better about themselves. When I learn to pray for the souls of their monkeys instead of feeling sorry for myself in the midst of torment.
    Thank you too for Gods words. I truly believe I was saved from the narcissist through the grace of God. The power of prayer is amazing.
    Thank you and all the others for being here when I had no where else to turn.

  • Comment Link giselle jane noynay Friday, 10 March 2017 00:42 posted by giselle jane noynay

    this is a great post on narcissism. but it's our parents who are the narcs. i was the golden child before i became the scapegoat. it is very exhausting; seems like your life is all about them that you lose your personality and identity in the process. however, after much research, i now know better. thanks for this post. may it all go well with you.

  • Comment Link Manal Friday, 27 January 2017 08:33 posted by Manal

    I love your thinking!! This is exactly what I am doing now inspite of everyone, including my therapist, warned me of taking this transparent course of action. But like you I am a believer and I know God is on my side. Emotionally I am rid of him, he cannot affect me now. We are still married, but I asked him very calmly to leave. I have physical proof of his infidelity and told him that any move from his side will result in exposing him to his family who treat him like God.
    He holds all finances and refuses to give me my fair share of our company, so now very calmly, I told him I am not well enough to continue working and that I feel I can do a lot of mistakes that could affect the company ( a threat that made him sweat) . So now we are negotiating , pray for me please.

    Being emotionally unaffected by him and seeing him for what he really is makes it a lot easier to be calm and think strategically. Good luck to all of us.

  • Comment Link Healing magic Monday, 02 May 2016 15:26 posted by Healing magic

    csmith61, did u get through ur April hearing with ur desired outcome? I feel I have been fooled for 20 years too and question the past I lived as my ex just shrugged her he never cared for me and that lots of people have kids with no love for family. He told kids of the divorce decision when I was at work and he blames me infront of kids to wanting out when I was actually forced out, I am asking for my rights but he's putting me down that how dare I ask n then calling me greedy infront of kids.
    It's not easy damn with hard in court but get good legal help abd do it sooner then later. Good luck.

  • Comment Link csmith61 Saturday, 30 January 2016 14:39 posted by csmith61

    Well said!! I am at the point of waiting on trial in April. He is battling me for 1/2 of my teacher's pension. Also, I have raised his nephew since birth without any one helping me! He told me I would only have to help him for 3 weeks until his brother got his "act" together! That has been 14 years ago! Our home he is asking for all the equity in it when it sells so that he can pay the family trust back. I also signed a loan against his grandfather's home that is in the trust. Is that considered commingling?
    Anyone have any suggestions for me? I have been at this for a year and I am trying to hold up until April, but it is killing me trying to accept that I was the biggest idiot for 30 years. Also, we have 2 older children by the marriage. Help please!!

  • Comment Link DQ Friday, 15 January 2016 03:23 posted by DQ

    Your worth it, your always worth it. Dont ever let them beat you down. Victims of narrisistes are among the strongest people i know and can relate to. You will feel better, you will find better, and deep down you know better. You are a F*^#king super hero. But you weren't put here on this earth to save them. Find your happiness it is outthere if you have the will to fight for it.

    I live everyday like this... Im working on it... But one day i will have happiness.

    Wishing you all, Love, Peace and Happiness ✌️

  • Comment Link syw15 Wednesday, 06 January 2016 22:02 posted by syw15

    What a beautiful read - I am in my 1 year battle of divorce to be close to no-where. I would love to hear your strategies and how you handled the court settings. Mine are coming soon and its nerve racking to say the least. His requests are completely absurd and I am sure that they will never stop.

    - Side Note: his family thinks I am being too tough and should forgive me.
    -Girlfriend thinks he is God
    -My kid doesn't see him but once a month

  • Comment Link KPompi Wednesday, 30 December 2015 15:55 posted by KPompi

    You said it well. I have been married to a narc for 11 years now. My life is just become constant sadness and depresions. sometimes i just can't handle it anymore, i feel like want to run away from the house or get a divorce. But then i have son, and I can't leave him. Every morning when I wake, i just feel it is a brand new day of torture. He abuse me and stripped me down, that I feel like I am not worthy anymore. There are nights when I cry until i fall asleep because of what he said. Everytime his mood change it is like the house is covered with black clouds. And everyone is so scared that he will explode even more. Everytime he explode, I feel numb. I do not know what to say or how defend my self. I will just stare at the floor and agreed on everything he said. And to take in so much negativity make me so exhausted, and it will take days for me to recover and gain my energy back. And guess what?! Once I feel a little better, he will explode again and abuse me with all those nasty words. I don't know how to survive this marriage anymore.

  • Comment Link Rachael Saturday, 26 December 2015 22:52 posted by Rachael

    Fantastic piece... I will read this every time I feel the despair setting in. I have just discovered this diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder and I feel like I have had an epiphany. For the first time in my years of struggle with my ex husband I can explain his behaviour and receive help from others. Thank you so much for sharing and good luck.

  • Comment Link BeeSweet Thursday, 24 December 2015 16:00 posted by BeeSweet

    Praying for your pending lawsuit. I can't imagine the emotional toil it has taken on you as I'm just entering the heavy negoiation stage. I feel so forsaken because the narcissist is able to manipulate the system. There are so many days I just want to give in. I'm so tired of the lies and deception. My prayer is that what our husbands/exes means for evil, God will make good. Blessings and peace.

  • Comment Link Hopefaith Saturday, 19 December 2015 16:58 posted by Hopefaith

    Thank you for your words. I have been dealing with a narcissistic husband for 38 years. Didn't really know it until 2012. Like you I used the web to try to figure it out. Emotional abuse kept coming up for me, but why was it that? I started researching narcissism and it seemed although he didn't have all the traits he had a lot of them. My counselor once said something
    about me being a woman and I looked at her and I said I don't even consider myself a woman. He has stripped me of my identity and Made me think that I was exactly like him. For a long time I couldn't figure out what my problem was and I still stayed in denial.

    It's a slow crawl out and not a easy one I have been so dependent on him for so many years and believe so many things about myself that weren't true. I too am a Christian and I believed his lies over gods truth about me. He almost had me convinced I am mentally ill he told her counselor that he thought that I was bipolar in the Konsler told him that I should be tested !
    I don't know what I'm going to do yet as for now I'm staying until I figure it out

  • Comment Link Cliff16 Saturday, 19 December 2015 02:35 posted by Cliff16

    Thank you. I am at my low point. I hope I can't survive this as you have .