I haven't been able to relax and sit in a hot tub for a while now; long baths are the way I deal with stress. I have just endured great stress. I am sick, and I am in a "just don't care" mood, but my divorce if finally close to being over. All the arguments and negotiations are made. Now is the time that I just have to wait on the court to make it all official. It moves slowly. Soon the decisions about child support will be made, and then the decisions about custody will be made.
It's all over with a little time. There are no more legal games or avenues, which means I think I just "defeated a Narcissist." I am not an expert. I do not want to be your life coach, but I do want to tell you what I did. When I first divorced: I had been putting research questions in my browser: mental illnesses, narcissism, PTSD, recovery, why he such and such, why I such and such.
I was done at one point and was going to say good-bye to FWW. Then I was sued again by the Narc. So, I began putting research questions in my browser: how do you defeat a narcissist? But I kept getting the old answers; the answers you get in the beginning stages. I switched my browser question: "how do you defeat a sociopath in court". Wow, a whole new world of answers and questions and things to read. Many of you kept saying that I was so strong. I'm not. I am trying to solve a problem. Some of you think that my ex is more over the top than others. He is not.
When I first joined FWW, I was at home sick with the flu. Out of sheer boredom and frustration, I put very personal questions into my browser. I was surprised that there were answers to what had happened to me. I put in over a dozen questions with only one website popping up with the answer over and over again. That website was First Wives World. I found out that I was not alone. As individual stories, we are very unique and special, BUT as a bigger picture, we are common. Our names and faces change, but the driving force behind the illness of personality disorder is all the same.
How narcissism manifests itself has variations, but the root cause is the same.
If the above thought is true, then "what to do when he (fill in the blank)" and "what not to do when he does (fill in the blank)" can have predictable results. You can predict a bigger picture outcome with varying results. Many of us learn by trial and error. We try this and that, and what worked for one might help another. It isn't wrong to make a wrong decision or mistakes, it is wrong to just give up trying. You aren't so broken than you can't be respected and love. I think the old saying "If first you don't succeed, try, try again" rings true.
In regards to court and relationships, sometimes we only get the one shot at it. Live your life in a way that you can live with the outcome. I have rambled before about taking the higher road not being exactly right. I think boundaries are the way to go. Set your boundaries and do the right thing when you can.
I am a firm believer in the Bible.
I know what love is. God is love. I Cor. 13 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails." Because I know what "love is." I know what narcissism is. Narcissism is the absence of love. "Perfect love casts out all fear." The opposite of love is not hate it is fear. A narcissist loves making you a scapegoat or sacrifice and controls you through fear. That is not love.
"No greater love than this, that a man lays down his life for a friend." He gives of himself. In the spirit of Christmas: Jesus came to bring peace. He came as a baby and lived perfect. He laid down his life for a friend (Easter). He was sacrificed himself so that we can be reconciled to the Father in heaven. A narcissist came to bring drama for his own entertainment and clothes himself to appear to be perfect. God covers us with his love and forgiveness so that we can be seen as perfect like he is. There isn't anything so wrong with us that we can't be loved. John 3:16 God loved. God gave, and he gives everlasting life.
I believe in reconciliation: a narcissist is unable to say he is sorry.
He is unable to repent. He is unable to feel how another person feels. Jesus felt how it was to be 100% man. He was also 100% God. An oxymoron: He was 100% man and 100% God at the same time. He was God wrapped in flesh born as a baby and died saying, "forgive them for they know not what they do." And we really don't. None of us have no idea what we are doing. I can forgive and move on and be happy. I forgive as I have been forgiven. But there will be no peace, forgiveness, reconciliation or love coming from a narcissist. I am created on purpose. I am not an accident of nature or of my parents. God sees me his creation and God loves me personally. If every man understood that there would be no such thing as a narcissist. After all, a Narcissist is just a tormented soul trying to love himself because he won't trust the world or any one above or in it to love him. In the end it defeats the whole concept of love. Love is an outward expression. Narcissism is an inward expression.
The conclusion to all of this is I think I found out how to defeat a narcissist.
The answer surprised me. Change. I have changed. Narcissists don't. They remain their nasty, old self. They are going to chase (Gal. 5:22) love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness for the rest of his life and never find it. Their soul is lost, but we have changed. I cried, read, studied, asked questions, got angry, made mistakes, tried again, apologized, reconciled with friends and family, went no contact with others, grew up, let it go, moved on, rediscovered myself, gray rock, stayed the course, did some things right, gave it my all, gave up, set boundaries, reset boundaries, became apathetic towards him, launched my kids, struggled with money time and health, and on and on it goes.
I did the hard work of "change." I lived transparent: it is what it is. It has not been a fake mask or an image on my part. I didn't declare myself happy. I earned my happiness. It's been "real." I am happy in spite of circumstances and in spite of a sabotaging narcissist. As of today, I have defeated a narcissist. Merry Christmas! If you can, please remember, you are loved.
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