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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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Dear Other Woman,

I have been watching you.  I am sorry to have to admit that.  I don’t think I’m a stalker, and have never seen you in person, nor do I want to.  But at the same time, I watch sometimes on social media to see what is going on, what your state of mind is, if you're ok, and mainly, what my husband is up to.  I have to tell you, it’s not about you.  It’s about him.  It’s not even so much about him.  It’s about me.  Because I need to know that I was NOT the problem.

I recently saw your tweet, tagging my husband/your boyfriend, wishing a happy birthday to “the man who showed you that true love does exist”.   And I feel so terribly sorry for you, and worry for you and your child. I feel terribly sorry for you, because you don’t know this man, who is showing you that true love does exist. It's called love bombing.  I am sure that he has told you that I am a crazy person, a flake, that I don’t know what’s important; that I don’t understand how things really are.  In the past I have sent him endless messages about things that really don’t matter, which I now know is the result of being gas-lit. It’s ok.  Now I see the truth.

I feel terribly sorry for you because you’ve been together for the entire time that he’s been separated from me, and you think it’s true love, while in the meantime he’s been on and off dating sites until about a month ago.  When he was MY true love, I couldn’t fathom the idea of infidelity.  I didn’t even entertain the thought that he would possibly be on dating sites when married to me.  It was only afterward that I considered it, looked, and learned.  Now I see the truth.

I feel terribly sorry for you because you have a child that is the same age that my child was when I got together with our common “love”.  He’s been in your child’s life for months now and quite possibly he’s around a lot.  I’m not sure what he’s told you about my child, but my child hasn’t heard from him in months.  This man, the one that showed you true love does exist, was quite friendly, family oriented, and inclusive for the first several years with my child too.  Then, like a light switch, it turned off.  We were invisible, aside from days when he received mocking or snide remarks.  Now I see the truth.

I feel terribly sorry for you because I’m still working to get myself together, and I fear that you’re headed in the same direction one day.  I worry that someday he’s going to realize that the big gaping hole inside is still there, and you didn’t fill it, and it will be your fault.  He’s going to tell you that he’s not the happy guy you think he is.  Then he’s going to tell you all the things that you do wrong that make him so miserable.  And then he’ll turn it all off, like a light switch.  I wish there was a way that I could warn you. 

I wish there was a way I could tell you to guard your heart, and guard your child’s heart.  It’s not even funny to see the similarities between us and for these reasons I wish I could tell you how you’ll believe and trust and love and invest 1000%.  And in the end there will be a long, long time when you’ll have no idea anymore how to just BE.  I wish you the best of luck. 

I wish you all of the foresight you could possibly have, but right now I see you have none, and that you're in love.  It's amazing when he's in that stage.  But one day, I wish you a little extra suspicion, and some openness to the idea that not everyone sees love like you do. Not everyone is capable.  Not everyone is real. If, one day, you want to know the truth, call me.  I love coffee.  We could have one.

(This blog was originally posted by a member of our community - First Wives World is a private network filled with women supporting women through challenge. We are a free community, wholeheartedly dedicated to empowering women through troubled relationships, divorce and other life challenges. Register today and find inspiration, encouragement and strength.)

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11 comments

  • Comment Link Sam33 Tuesday, 28 February 2017 13:39 posted by Sam33

    Honestly, it wouldn't work telling her. How do I know because 8 years ago my soon to be ex husband's ex told me that he has no moral compass. I off course thought that she was just a women scorned. How wrong I was and I've paid the price.

  • Comment Link PJW Friday, 28 October 2016 03:21 posted by PJW

    Would it do any good to tell her these things? This is my story exactly!

  • Comment Link Spiffy Wednesday, 30 December 2015 00:55 posted by Spiffy

    Agree with everything you are saying

  • Comment Link Melly997 Monday, 28 December 2015 09:00 posted by Melly997

    In June he had lined up my replacement & was texting her 10-30 times a day, in July he left me by text then cut all contact, by mid August they were living together, in October he finally spoke to me to tell me he felt nothing & Ive heard nothing from him since. (I don't know about everyone else but I don't see this as a normal or healthy way to end a marriage).
    I made it known to the OW that he was married when they got together but it made no difference.
    They both deserve to get a giant a**e kicking from karma because it peeves me off that I'm still trying to deal with the heartache while he gets to be all smiles with his new love.
    However in the end (& in the words of Melanie Tonia Evans) I won't just survive I will thrive but in time she will be used & he will remain as despicable as ever.

  • Comment Link Reee Friday, 11 December 2015 15:03 posted by Reee

    The OW of my ex told me that they know it's wrong and they are doing everything to make it right.. so they've been talking and probably planning on how my ex husband would leave me and ask for divorce. On one of our conversation, I told her, Do you even know my husband, and you know what she said.. "NO, but he is way better than my ex-boyfriend." That leave me speechless,. and hurt.. she thinks my husband is better that her ex that's why she's hanging on his pants even though she knew that the guys is married.. and she feels she deserve my husband love and affection better than me.. That is how they are., the OW.. they are selfish and only thinks of themselves and no matter what they will do whatever they feel like because they are only concern on their happiness. It's painful to hear that she is hopeful that living and dreaming a life with my husband.

  • Comment Link urterrific2 Thursday, 10 December 2015 21:28 posted by urterrific2

    NOPE!! She had no qualms about bedding a man whose wife she had known for 15 plus years, no issues with his walking out and deserting his entire family of 3 adult children, no problem getting her other 2 or 3 divorces, so she and her "whore-in-training daughters" get exactly what they deserve. Me? I will not remarry, "live in sin" yes, but not be stupid enough to get married as I would loose my "severance-package" which includes half of his Military Retirement for the remainder of my life. He seems to think he just has to pay alimony for 10 years, when he is 62, I will be 72, HOWEVER I KNOW him and he will take early social security at age 62, at which point I contact Social Security, produce our Decree of Divorce that shows length of Marriage and WALAH!! I get HALF of HIS SOCIAL SECURITY which will be more than the alimony I will loose!! Oh, and he gets remarried? TOO EFFEN BAD!! THAT does NOT AFFECT EITHER PAYMENT to me!! So her? She is only 45, so will have to continue working way beyond him retiring, he will then get drunk by noon every day and she will return home to a drunk bastard who has loaded her computer full of porn spam and then be the recipient of his degrading and blaming!! Have a LOVELY LIFE BITCH!! Better you than me!! I AM FREE!!!

  • Comment Link LJ Wednesday, 09 December 2015 23:53 posted by LJ

    Thanks for this message! I thought I was the only one that has these types of emotions and understanding. After my ex narc evil hole left I felt like there was nothing left. My self-esteem destroyed, not sense of self-worth, or any form of confidence. He lied and played me for a long long time. At first I was his everything, his soulmate, his "missing link." He was my Prince Charming, now I realize he was my Prince Harming. He has now since moved onto his younger prey. A decent, caring, young gal that has 0 to null experience with this type of man because if she did she would know better than to go within in 100 yards of pure evil. Amazing how some of these men lead such fabricated lives filled with lies, their lies become their truth and so forth. He rammed all his ex wives and my credit into the ground, he lies to every client he deals with, and is a complete farce.

  • Comment Link Lynne Wednesday, 09 December 2015 15:20 posted by Lynne

    So true. My ex husband's new wife, they married three days after r divorce was final, is over the moon. She can't believe she found such a great guy. Never would have believed that after her high school sweetheart died of cancer she could ever feel like that again . What she doesn't know is that it's all an act, it's a web of lies, deception and manipulation he practiced on me for 35 years. And he's gotten very good at it. And yes, I'm an easy scapegoat. I'm sure it was so easy to convince her that I was the angry, bitter scorned wife. He's been blaming me for everything for so long, and as long as it keeps working he will continue to blame me. I want this woman to suffer just an ounce of the pain and misery he inflicted on me for over 35 years. I want her to hurt, to be disillusioned. People say he will get what's coming to him but when? I call him the Teflon Man because nothing sticks to him. Yes, I want payback for all the awful things he has done. My daughter calls his new family the microwave family. In an instant he got new sons , daughter and the grandchildren he's wanted. When he realized our daughter and I couldn't give him what he wanted, he kicked us to the curb. Threw us away like pieces of garbage. But the worst part is the affect it has had on my daughter. I watch her self destruct because of her father's actions. I can't help her. I can only be there to pick up the pieces.

  • Comment Link Debbie Zenick Wednesday, 09 December 2015 12:00 posted by Debbie Zenick

    Many parts of the story I felt was written about me. My first husband now ex loved those sites and said I was an option. Thank goodness I divorced him. Only karma is dealing with him and his new wife is bat crazy. What come around goes around.

  • Comment Link Patti Wednesday, 09 December 2015 00:37 posted by Patti

    I tried to tell her..... she didn't believe me. "this is what happens when people get divorced" she said and walked away.

  • Comment Link SHarper Tuesday, 08 December 2015 20:50 posted by SHarper

    I desperately want my husband's ex-wife to tell me this because I know....and he doesn't know I know.

    I would have LOVED and cherished a warning.

    I needed to hear this from his ex. Now I'm married to him, have made the discovering that he is a total narcissist and living a complete double life.

    Please tell......