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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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My narcissistic ex-husband did his best to tear me down, and tried to devalue me and convince me to believe the worst about myself. Conversely, he praised himself; he was smarter, a better parent than me, made the best decisions, was handsome, and everyone he knew loved him. Those characteristics actually described me, not him, but over time, I began to take his false self-affirmations and accept them as my truths. So I write the following truths that I know about me, with the knowledge that I will never allow him to be what he wished me to be:

I am smart. I was smart enough to know to end the marriage. No matter how long it took for me to get the courage to do so, I did it. A smart woman knows to escape a bad situation.

I am a great mother. Despite not receiving child support for many months, dealing with the stress caused by their father, and working full time, I always made my children my priority. They never missed a meal, established a healthy routine, and I provided a home environment that was predictable, safe, structured, secure, and peaceful. Great moms are the firm foundation for a balanced family.  Experts say it only takes one healthy parent to have balanced kids. I’m that healthy parent.

I make great decisions. My decision to not remain in an abusive marriage, seek counseling to repair the damage my narcissistic ex-husband caused, hire good legal counsel, and pursue a higher educational degree are all proof that I make great decisions. (Months after he filed for the divorce, and after my attorneys told me that I’d likely not get Maintenance (Alimony), I applied to and was accepted into a top university. I’ll get my Master’s degree in a few years and move on to a better paying job.) I made great decisions before I met my ex, and I’ll continue to do so.

I am beautiful. Full disclosure: I was ending a contract with modeling company when I met my husband. This didn’t stop him from calling me “ugly on the inside.” And somehow, during the marriage, I started hating my outer appearance. I looked tired, worn out, stressed, bloated and wore maternity clothes for more than a year after I’d had my children, wore clothes three or more sizes too large, and I just didn’t care about my appearance. After he left, I slowly started making changes – applying lotion, wearing clothes that fit, trimming my nails, plucked my eyebrows, bought lip gloss, got a haircut, etc. And I’m happy with how I look and feel, which is important.

I am loved. I have friends and family who love me. And through this divorce process, I’ve found out who my true family and friends are. My ex told me that everyone either hated me or was using me – but actually that only applied to him. At the end of the day, knowing that I am loved allows me to feel very fulfilled.

I am all of these things, and even more.

(This blog was originally written by a member of our community.)

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  • Comment Link Healing magic Monday, 02 May 2016 15:08 posted by Healing magic

    Wow this is truly inspiring and all I wanted to hear cause all it points apply to me and I have to deal with my ex narc today for finalising legal art for hiuse sale and my lawyer is on leave but I have to do this myself and I am nerve wrecked with his narc mother there too. I do not have anyone to stand next to me but I do have moral support from distance from friends and family. As I am summing up the courage to go all for my right, I was doubting myself as mother and abusive narc put downs are deterring me to go talk the final settlement. So needed to hear -" I’m that healthy parent."

    I will make sure to be there for my kids even though ex is brainwashing them to see me differently. I have to stand up for me and be done with this abusivr narc in my life. Thanks so much for writing this so I know I am smart, beautiful abd make rent decisions.

  • Comment Link Oksana Sunday, 06 December 2015 18:37 posted by Oksana

    Not caring how you look like is so about me!!! It is just so hard to accept how they twist your mind!

  • Comment Link beginnings1 Sunday, 29 November 2015 07:03 posted by beginnings1

    Couldn't have written it better myself

  • Comment Link Gracey Saturday, 28 November 2015 16:20 posted by Gracey

    What a beautiful comment. And so true!!! I highly commend this young lady. I found inspiration in her words. Thank you. And God bless you and your children.

  • Comment Link Saffron Monday, 23 November 2015 16:50 posted by Saffron

    These words ring very true. Despite the narc never truly leaving your life due to "co-parenting", we need to remember that a big reason the narc came into your life is because YOU embody everything they wish to be, but never will. Thank you very much for stating this so eloquently.

  • Comment Link mitchell4126 Thursday, 19 November 2015 15:59 posted by mitchell4126

    Reading this made me cry. It gives me hope seeing what can happen when you make the right decisions