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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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One of the things that no one really talks about, in nice company anyway, is sex after divorce. I mean, no matter how bad your marriage was, it probably included sex once in a while. Now that you’re divorced, all of that has changed. Whether you’re planning on having sex again or not (spoiler alert—you will), you need to make some decisions and ground rules ahead of time. Otherwise, you run the risk of making some serious, even life-threatening mistakes.

Sex with the Ex?

Someone once asked me if I would ever consider having sex with the ex, and it was an Oh Hell NO! moment for me. He wasn’t that interested in me while we were married, and any attraction I once felt toward him was swept away with his infidelity. So I doubt it would be an issue for me anyway. 

Still, sex after a divorce with the ex? It happens, and it’s never a good idea, in my opinion. I understand why it happens. You have a history together, and you are in a maelstrom of emotions during your divorce. A quick meeting to discuss the kids’ grades can turn into the wall scene from Roadhouse, and leave you wondering just what you were thinking.

It's understandable. He’s familiar, you have a romantic past, and you are in the habit of sleeping with him. Because he’s your ex, you also have your guard down when it comes to your sexuality. It happens sometimes.

The danger is that it can totally muddy the emotional waters. If he’s a narcissist, he may try to use sex for leverage back into your life. Even if he doesn't, you are both likely to end up more confused about your relationship.

When it comes to an ex? Just say no.

First Comes Marriage

I have been a Christian all of my adult life. I was sure that I would walk the line after my divorce and maintain both my purity and my spirituality.

I did neither.

Handling your sexuality after a divorce is tough, especially if you have spiritual beliefs that should keep unmarried sex off of the radar. Of all the times in my life when my strong libido was in high gear, the period after my divorce topped them all. I needed to feel loved and attractive, and I needed the stress relief that sex provided. I didn’t handle things the way I thought I would over the long haul, but I handled them the best way I could at the time. 

Whether you have sex without being married or wait to get remarried, you need to be gentle with yourself and careful with the choices you make. 

When You Need a Little Help

Vibrators are one of those things that my generation didn’t really talk about. Masturbation was something you only did if you were desperate because it was the age of peace, pot, and free love.

Well, when you get a divorce, it’s a good idea to get a couple of vibrators to take the edge off. It may keep you from jumping into bed with someone you shouldn’t, and it will give you more time to gain perspective. You don’t have to go out in public to buy them, either. There are hundreds of different kinds available online, and they are shipped in regular, nondescript boxes. You’re totally safe, unless you have nosy kids.

In fact, it’s the safest sex after divorce there is!

Undressing in Front of a Stranger

Talk about dating woes!

Undressing in front of someone who isn’t your longtime partner, and at age 50, is much different than it was at 18. Nothing is in the same place, plus my body had the addition of both hail damage (cellulite) and stretch marks. When I’d undress at night, I’d look in the mirror and I'd think that my middle-aged body influenced the ex to cheat. I disgusted me.

Well, the funny thing is? Your new guy isn’t going to be comparing your middle-aged body with your 22-year-old body because he’s never seen the latter! He is interested in you because of who you are now. It’s a weird, but nice, feeling. And of course, it's good to remember that we're always our own worst critics.

Safe Sex Please

Instances of sexually transmitted diseases are increasing among older adults—and we should know better. Being menopausal does not protect us from STDs any more than it protects us from making dumb decisions. Buy a box of condoms, even if you don’t think you’ll ever need them, and keep one with you just in case. I know—it feels like such a slutty thing to do. But having unprotected sex is dangerous, and it's not hard to get carried away with a guy you are really attracted to.

Do You Have Any Advice to Share?

The main thing to remember is to think things through. Making a plan before something actually happens can help you get through it. Remember that once you have sex with someone, it is very easy to become emotionally involved, and you may find yourself in a relationship before you’re ready. Proceed with caution!

Have you had any of these issues? Do you have questions about sex after divorce? If you need a support network where you can talk about these things, join First Wives World today, and become part of a group who knows exactly what it feels like to be where you are.

Image Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons, User : Sascha Kohlmann

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2 comments

  • Comment Link Cortney King Saturday, 08 October 2016 04:31 posted by Cortney King

    My name is Cortney, I've been with my husband for almost 7 yrs, but it's become pointless. Although the years we've been together have been a constant coaster, he's a pathological liar, mentally unstable (which is a hell of an understatement), mentally verbally emotionally PHYSICALLY abusive. There are just simply SO many reasons I should leave him, should've a long time ago really... but I feel like I'm afraid of being alone, or not knowing who he's messing with... at this point though I just really don't care much anymore, he's exhausted every feeling I have inside me... I'm tired. I finally KNOW I deserve better, and that I Won't be alone forever... I'll find love again, hopefully it will be healthy. I'm just nervous about living SOLO and having to depend on myself again, it's been a long time since I've had to. But I miss being happy, I don't deserve what he does to me, no one would. Signed~dazed & confused

  • Comment Link DW Friday, 06 March 2015 06:15 posted by DW

    With my husband a very long time before divorce. Till the last few years we had a pretty good sex life. Right now not interested in sex with another man. But I will be ready one day. We are all human and its a healthy thing. Besides I know he will be having his fun. I just wonder what if I find someone but then the sex is not as good as my ex and I.
    Do I keep looking ? Lol Remarring for me is off the table. Positive of that. But I refuse to stop enjoying life. He took so much from me I will not let him take anything else. So what's a girl to do. Don't wanna go to bars and jump in bed with tons of guys. Disease out there. But that one good fimilar booty call would be great! How do you handle that.