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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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A narcissist will calmly step over any boundary that you create with a smile. If he can’t step over it he’ll ask you to move it just a tiny bit. He’ll tell you not to be unreasonable. Pretty soon your boundary will have a doorway and a welcome sign on it.

The master manipulator wins again.

I have written satire since high school. I blame Mad Magazine, Monte Python, and Iconoclast, an underground newspaper in Dallas in the 1970s. Writing has always helped me to bring my feelings into the open, look at them, and even find some issues I didn’t know were there.

As a homeschooling mom I can’t tell you how many times I read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I guess it got into my head because one day when I was especially frustrated I found myself banging on my keyboard and when I was done this poem was on the page.

If You Give Your Ex An Inch, He’ll…

If you give your ex an inch he will take a mile and then ask

If you have any shoes that he can borrow because his are now worn.

When you give him the shoes he will realize that there is a hole in his socks and he will

Ask you for a new pair.

As he is putting the socks on he will see a blister (caused by taking the mile)

And ask for a Band-Aid.

When he puts the Band-Aid on his foot he will remember that he needs to mail a letter to his lawyer

And he will ask for a stamp.

Once it is stamped he will want the keys to your car because his was repossessed and he needs to

Go to the post office.

Once he has your car he will drive to your house and walk in like he owned the place. Which will remind him that he 

Left a book he wanted to read and he will go through your bookshelves looking for it.

Although he can’t find the book he is looking for he will find a book on horses

And that will remind him that there are saddles in the barn that he can pawn.

While he is in the barn he will see the tools and take them, too.

Because after all, it was his house at one time and he considers it his right.

When he goes to the pawn shop in your car to pawn your stuff he will see

A toy ship

Which will remind him he wants to go on a cruise despite the fact that the kids need clothes and

Camp money (which he can’t afford to help you with.)

While he is on the cruise he will realize that he hasn’t bothered to contact the kids in months

So afterward he will come to your house and walk inside like he owned the place

And when you set up a boundary he will ask to step an inch over it…

And if you give him an inch…

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any person, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. This work is purely fictional and is meant as satire only. Feel free to link to it but please do not copy it to your own blog, email, or website. (c) 2011 Marye Audet

Just say no! After a while he’ll get the hint. Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: boltron

You Laugh But…He Leaps Boundaries With A Single Bound

Reading that always makes me smile. It is a little over the top but when you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist you realize pretty quickly that no matter how many boundaries you put up they are going to be stepped over. Narcissists don’t have boundaries.

We’ve all experienced it.

Boundaries seem to be more of a challenge than a detriment to a narcissist. There is a part of them that cannot be told no without responding, oh, we’ll see about that!

If I had understood that principle decades ago I would never have dealt with celibacy in my marriage. I would have just always told him no which would have ensured constant sex. It’s just another one of those twisted things that you deal with when you are married to a narcissist. After a while you stop setting healthy boundaries because you are tired of having to defend them.

Pretty soon you find that you don’t have any boundaries with anyone because you no longer feel like you are important enough to have them – your space is not valuable enough to defend. You learn that you can’t say no and soon you are resentful because everyone pulls your strings and you feel like a marionette.

Once you are in that mode it is really difficult to stop and turn around.

Forever and Ever, Amen

I struggle with boundaries but not as much as I used to. Oddly enough it is much easier to defend my boundaries with everyone except my ex-husband. You’d think that he, of all people, would be on my Go-To-Hell list but he’s not. I get shaky, sick to my stomach, and can’t think straight when I have to deal with him. My counselor at the VA hospital called it PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and told me that it wasn’t unusual in these types of relationships.

 I had to go to court a few weeks ago and I thought my lawyer was ready to give me a Xanax IV. She reminded me that I didn’t have to talk to him or even look at him if he was there (he wasn’t – big surprise) but I still looked like I was waiting to be taken to the gas chamber. I am so used to backing down and giving him his way that standing up to his crap takes a physical toll on me. I came home and had to take the rest of the day off. I was shaken because I was afraid that he would shatter my boundaries, which is totally silly because he can’t.

I’ve found that was really has helped me the most is giving in to my feelings and letting my lawyer and my husband decide how to handle things for me. Someday I may be able to make those decisions and defend those boundaries on my own but for now I am learning to allow myself to be helped in areas I am weak.

Do you have trouble defending your boundaries? Sign up with First Wives World today and enjoy fellowship, great advice, and the knowledge that you aren’t alone.

Lead Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: Lara Cores

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6 comments

  • Comment Link crazydragn1369 Tuesday, 27 May 2014 00:58 posted by crazydragn1369

    I have PTSD from my NARC Ex and he keeps taking me back to court for everything and anything he can come up with. My biggest problem is that I no longer have a lawyer to help me because I cannot come up with money for yet another retainer fee for a another new court appearance. I have court June 13 and it's the 3rd time since our divorce in February 2013. I feel like I can't handle it anymore and I don't know how I'll manage to come out on top in court alone against him. I'm still so scared of him and the anxiety is awful. Any thoughts would be helpful cause I am terrified and now 6 months pregnant with a wonderful man's baby and the ex doesn't know yet

  • Comment Link snoww412 Saturday, 03 May 2014 22:29 posted by snoww412

    I have PTSD from my ex, and I was so glad to read about your physical reaction. I don't feel so alone. No one understands it; to them it's an easy fix--just ignore it. I'm trying so hard.

  • Comment Link Kimberly Saturday, 26 April 2014 13:50 posted by Kimberly

    Didn't even really know what a narcissist was until my ex and I divorced. I always thought that I was just weak and couldn't enforce boundries. I was in a marriage for many years where I stopped voicing my opinion because it never mattered or was even considered. Only once I was in a normal relationship did I realize how extremely dysfunctional my first marriage was. I still struggle with voicing my needs .

  • Comment Link Msef Saturday, 26 April 2014 12:19 posted by Msef

    I never knew about Narcissism, but after a little research and reading WOW, yep, that is what the EX has. This article couldn't sum up life any more accurate. Another example of boundaries-do not call after 8pm, the man calls every night after 8pm at least 4 times, followed by serveral text messages. After your article, now I know, when I want or need something, just say "NO" and the EX will comply oppositely.

  • Comment Link PENNY GOUDRIAAN Tuesday, 22 April 2014 12:25 posted by PENNY GOUDRIAAN

    Thanks I wish I had looked for this site along time ago.

  • Comment Link SharP Monday, 21 April 2014 14:07 posted by SharP

    Said no and kept my boundary. My teens complained that I wasn't helpful. I could hear them with the N in my head. His words. I looked at them and explained I am the mother it is not my job to be helpful to you but to teach you to help your self. That was the end of it. And the N was held to no contact. I am still surprised that "I" did that. Feeling a small victory... I got that "round."