Inspiration, Encouragement & Strength
join a community of support ›

My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

Back to Article List

Filter Articles By:  

There are plenty of articles about how to heal after divorcing a narcissist but what if you want to try to keep your marriage intact without losing your mind?

That’s actually much more difficult than the divorce route. It is certainly do-able but it is going to take time, dedication, and a thick skin on your part. Make sure that you count the cost and understand what you are signing up for.

I am a firm believer in the importance and seriousness of marriage vows. When I divorced my ex after 30 years I did not do it lightly. Truth be told, I only filed because he told me he was not coming back, we weren’t going to work it out, and he would file when he could afford it. I had a vision of this thing dragging on for years so I filed. It was the right thing for my children and myself.

You will need to weigh your situation and decide what is best for you and your children.

It Will Never Be About You

You are signing up for a relationship where you will be invisible.

A narcissist doesn’t realize that they are narcissistic. They only know that they are important and of course everyone is vitally interested in everything they do! They never question whether they might be a bit self-indulgent but they will quickly let you know that you are being self-involved when you are not focused completely on them.

A narcissist can’t be empathetic. He does not want to get involved in your emotional life. He does not have the ability to read between the lines or even take a hint. He may come home from work and find you sobbing into your coffee and he’ll ask what you’ve made for dinner and when it’s expected to be served.

If you want to stay married to your narcissistic spouse you’ll need to accept that.

Changing the Dance

Obviously you can’t keep going the way you are. You are going to have to make some changes and you might as well know that your narcissistic husband is not going to be happy about them. Remember, he is in control now and he likes it that way. When you change the way you respond to him he will be confused, frustrated, angry, and willing to do whatever it takes to regain control.

Don’t try to change everything at once. You’ll just become overwhelmed. Make a list of the five most important things that need to be changed and then choose one of them to begin with. You can probably handle changing one thing every month to two months. Once you’ve changed something you have to stick with it no matter what. Any back-peddling on your part will totally negate everything you have done. Don’t change anything until you are ready to move forward without looking back.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries and enforcing them isn’t easy but it is necessary.

  • When he begins to criticize you tell him very calmly that you will not be talked to in that way and leave the room.
  • When he blames you for something refuse to accept the blame.
  • When he requires you to do something for him when you are exhausted learn to say no.

Begin to honor and respect yourself. It’s been too long since you felt that you were as important as he is.

Stop Covering for Him

When you’re married to a narcissist it becomes normal to put yourself last, to become a martyr, to accept his bad behavior, and even to cover it up so other people, and even the kids, don’t notice it.

He believes it’s your job to make him look good and you have probably been doing that for decades. You will need to learn to allow him to deal with his own consequences.

My ex-husband is wonderful with people on a casual basis. He was in sales and he could talk to anyone as long as it wasn’t on an intimate, daily basis. When it came to communicating with family and even close friends he needed me as a translator. I have since realized that the correct title was not translator but enabler.

Once we got divorced his relationship with most of the kids took a nose dive because of his inability to connect with them on their level. He was fine as long as they were doing things he enjoyed but he did not enter in to their world without my help. His inability to communicate with them and engage them has alienated them.

Guess who is being blamed for that?

Learn something new. You can get personal satisfaction out of doing things that you enjoy. 

Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User:photopin

Get Reacquainted with Yourself

You have to give up your desire for his affirmation, his attention, and his affection on your terms. There can be no expectations. If those thing happen they will always happen on his timetable.

Begin to do things that make you happy. Get a haircut, change your makeup, get a massage, take a class at the local community college, or do some other activity that allows you to meet people with similar interests and goals.

In other words, create a life that does not revolve around him. This may seem counterproductive but it is important that you have your emotional needs filled somewhere. Getting an A and a really difficult psychology test might do that for you. Creating a perfect vase in pottery class, or finally being able to hold that tough yoga position can feed your need for personal satisfaction without getting it from him. We already agreed that it isn’t likely to happen, right?

You have to learn to love yourself, to see yourself as valuable, and to nurture yourself. Be a little self-indulgent because you are the only one that will.

Remember You Have a Choice

Whatever you decide to do it’s important to remember that you have a choice. You aren’t trapped with him, you don’t have to stay, and you aren’t stuck there. You are choosing to stay and if things become unbearable then you can choose to go.

When I divorced my ex-husband it was a shock to almost everyone. I had covered things so well for so long that no one really knew there were issues. Those that knew about the problems kept encouraging me to stay, to cover for him, and to enable him to continue in his treatment of me and the kids – all in the name of being a good, submissive, Christian wife.

When I finally did file for divorce, even though I had a biblically acceptable reason (infidelity), I was ostracized and criticized. It was more hurtful than the separation from my husband – I expected that sort of treatment from him.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I lost every friend I had except two women who stuck with me through thick and thin and just loved me no matter what. I had to leave the church I had been associated with for two decades. All of a sudden I had no one to tell me what I should do, think, or feel. I had no one to perform for, to impress, or to make myself valuable to.

I was free. I was totally free to be myself (just as soon as I figured out who that was), I was free to question my beliefs, my lifestyle, and my tastes. I couldn’t have done those things if I had remained married.

You’ll need to do what I did with the added tangle of maintaining a relationship with your narcissistic husband. Seeing a counselor on a regular basis can be just the help you need to figure it all out.

Need a sounding board in the meantime? Join First Wives World today and become part of this vital, caring community of other women, like yourself, who will listen with understanding.

*Lead Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: mysza831



Back to Article List

Leave a comment


  • Comment Link Alice Richter Sunday, 15 April 2018 14:06 posted by Alice Richter

    Thank you Marye, I’m amazed that someone can put into words exactly what I am feeling! All the way to how people, even my own parents, tell me to stay and that my job is to be a good Christian wife. Mine is more difficult because I do not have a biblical “ok” as to why I would divorce him. But I want to thank you for posting! I have felt alone but now I know I am not.

  • Comment Link Friday, 06 April 2018 21:48 posted by

    About The Marriage

    Sometimes I felt so desperate, trapped by this bully and can't be part of any conversation without being torn down, even for making small talk.
    So I just didn't talk. It's just was not worth the risk when I knew whatever I said be wrong before it left my tongue.

    Why was I there? Why did he marry me? Was all of this so he could have good genetic material on his arm and nurturing his young child?

    He kept reminding me that pretty soon my son will not need me anymore. First it was when my son was 1 he took off a week from work to make me wean him. Later, I was a ‘Hellicopter Mother’ even on Mothers Day...

    -So many disparaging events, so numerous I could not list them here.
    -Our friends were never good enough.
    -If my car broke down one block away, I would have to call roadside assistance.
    -If anything bad happened to us, it was always our fault.
    -Would NEVER let me travel to see my family. I had to tell him I wanted a divorce before he'd let me go on a trip. 

    Before the divorce I started going thru the files. Everything was in his name when I thought my name was on it also. Even my car. Discovered his past divorce papers saying he was supposed to pay half of his daughters college. I am so embarrassed that we did not help her with 1 dollar of support.

    I finally read his journals.
    He had affair during his previous marriage. The affair is why he moved to NY and left his wife and their 5 year old daughter.
    What was even more horrifying to read in his journal was that during our early relationship, it was as if I never existed in his life at all.
    In 1995 the year we married, my name does not appear one time the whole year. not once. not once. wow. not once. What a strange realization… Everything was about him. We only existed to make him look better than he was.

    No compassion, no caring, no empathy. Only torment.

    Now happily divorced with a good life. I pray my son will recover eventually.

  • Comment Link TONYAF Tuesday, 03 April 2018 16:48 posted by TONYAF

    This is a very well written article. Like so many, it could have been me who wrote it. I'm coming up on 31 years married to this Narcissistic man...and I have no idea who I am. I'm only just figuring out that his Narcissism has been a root cause of our issues for 3 decades! What was I thinking? Our kids are grown, last 2 are about to be 19, and my son is just like his dad! He has a poor relationship with all 3 kids, and the worst is with his son! It's so sad. 20+ years of counselling, and not one counselor has figured this out?? That's even more sad! I have been blind and enabling him this whole time, and it has to stop! Now to try and figure a way out of this tangled mess, and still have some sanity on the other side. I long to love a man, a man I thought I married, that never existed!

  • Comment Link Esther Yee Sunday, 11 February 2018 10:31 posted by Esther Yee

    I’m glad I stumbled on to this website. I’m about to be divorced by a once Godly Christian man I loved & devoted to for 30 years of my life. We have 3 grown boys & of two of them with autism. I’m still in shock to realize about a year ago that my husband is a narcissist. I’ve been verbally & emotionally abused excruciatingly for the last two years. I’ve done everything humanly possible to fight for my marriage & keep the family together, but he wants to abandon us so he can start over by pursuing happier life for himself. I’ve given up finally because I realized I can no longer reach his heart when he said he’s not a Christian anymore on Christmas Eve 2017. I need genuine Christian support group to keep myself & boys above water, not to drown in my own tears.

  • Comment Link April Saturday, 09 December 2017 17:01 posted by April

    I’m learning about this my husband is a narcissist please help me with all info

  • Comment Link Jay Thursday, 09 November 2017 22:18 posted by Jay

    I have been married to a narcissist for 17 years, living together for 15. The divorce will most likely be finalized by the end of the year. He "seemed" like a great guy, man of God when we met. I was 18, traumatized by abuse, and I felt I needed a man. He took off the mask as soon as we came home from the honeymoon. I kept up appearances from everyone for over a decade. I was put down, called names, rejected, ignored, made to carry everything in the household: finances, decisions, housework, childcare until I couldn't any longer. He told me he'd never been a Christian. He blamed me for every addiction, for every failure he'd ever had. It was all my fault. We separated, and I told him I was willing to reconcile if he would go to counseling with me. Nope. He still says the divorce is my idea, and he never wanted it. I refuse to involve my children and me in the toxic, abusive life any longer. I forgive him, I pray for him, and I want the best for him, but I cannot live with him.

  • Comment Link Paula Erasmus Saturday, 04 November 2017 13:47 posted by Paula Erasmus

    Hi, I feel like someone going to an AA meeting, I think admitting that I am in a narcisstic relationship is the firts step and to realise I am not alone. Next step is to equip myself with knowledge so I know what I am dealing with. Till now I actually felt so trapped and alone and confused. I could relate to everything you said.

  • Comment Link Martha Wednesday, 25 October 2017 16:35 posted by Martha

    I have been in a marriage with a narcissist for 35 years. We have two boys, both grown now, married and on their own. I am 64 years old, prior to the internet, and the information available from on line sources, I believed the failure of my marriage was all my fault. If I only tried to please him more then things would get better... if I only worked harder to give him the financial resources to feed his ego then things would get better... etc. etc. etc. About 5 years ago after our youngest was out on his own, I began to realize that it’s not me. We went to counseling, but it too was unsuccessful. My husband refuses to see his narcissism and selfishness. I now remain in the marriage mostly for financial reasons. He owns his business and every dime I’ve ever earned, or inherited from my family is tied up in ‘his’ business. I am not allowed to be a part of that business... it was just my job to finance it. My name is not allowed on the business, and according to him, that’s to protect me from any liability. I am now trapped, I cannot get out through divorce or I loose everything I have worked for and everything my family worked for that I inherited. At 64, I also just cannot bring myself to ‘start over’. I deal with it mostly by accepting the reality of my situation and years of working on ‘detachment’. Three years ago he insisted we sell our home where we raised our family, and move to Planned Unit Development. My new house is lovely, but it’s not ‘home’. I left my friends behind, and am now quite isolated. He is a control freak, and I literally have no say in the design or furnishings of our home. My job only is to keep it spotlessly clean. He’s a master at passive-aggressive ‘put-downs’.

    I was able to retire from teaching about 3 years ago and now spend much of my time alone. I have dealt with this difficult marriage over the years by learning detachment, self care, and fulfilling my own needs when he’s away at work. I have wonderful relationships with my sons, and pat myself on the back that they have become incredible young men with loving marriages of their own. I became a grandmother a little over a year ago, and my granddaughter is the light of my life, just as her daddy was when he was a child! Living with a narcissist is so very difficult and painful but it can be done. To other women in similar situations-try to rise above the narcissism in your own way to support your own mental health. ‘Detachment’ is a marvelous gift you can give yourself to survive emotionally.

  • Comment Link pumpkin Monday, 09 October 2017 14:33 posted by pumpkin

    I am in the process of going through a messy relationship with my husband. He is a little bit of a narcissist. He isn't a heavy one, which I am thankful for. Through the years it had built up though and gotten worse and he shamed me for things that happened in our relationship and I believed it. I believed I was a screw up. Over time I grew depressed almost to the point of killing myself. We have been attending counseling together, but I still feel the same.. I feel I don't care anymore. He still acts the same way as he always as. I don't know if I want to be strong anymore. I know I probably could be, but dont know that I want to. I don't know if I am in love with him anymore. I love him, like a friend, but I feel thats all I have. I am not really attracted to him, especially when we're in bed together because it doesn't last long and I am never satisfied and he doesn't even try to satisfy me. I have had my own mother tell me to wait it out so that we can get down south to be closer to her and my sister because if him and I divorce, we stay where we're at. I know that is harsh to do it like that, but I want to be closer to my family. We live near his family right now. He isn't willing to move or do anything for me if we're getting divorced. Things have been awkward between us. I don't feel comfortable around him anymore and I have been getting better at saying no. He still wants things done a certain way but I don't care anymore, which doesn't help our relationship. He doesn't support me, he has a distant relationship with the kids when he comes home. I don't know if I have the energy or the strength to be in it anymore. I am depressed, unhappy. I have tried to work on it. But I dont think I can wait anymore. If I don't stick it out, I will never live close to my mother or sister. I don't know what I want in life, I have been confused and hurt and weak. This isn't what I had thought of on marriage, but it happened to me. He controls just about everything and he is willing to compromise on a certain level. For instance, I want to go to school, he is fine with it, as long as I don't take a loan out. He would rather I didn't. But he said don't go over a certain amount because he doesn't want to pay on it. He wont be paying on it. I will because I am choosing to go to school. I supported him in everything he did and yet he lacks at that department for me. I am not his mother, I am his wife.
    I just don't know what to do. Wait it out until we can go south. Or do it now and pretend, and just live here for the rest of my kids life.

  • Comment Link Never mind Saturday, 16 September 2017 06:21 posted by Never mind

    This is the most depressing thing I've ever read. This is (for the most part).... my entire life. I've done SO much therapy for ME to change ME and I've just come to accept that he'll never change. He'll never give me what I ask for or desire. What an explanation for why I have zero sex drive. I haven't been emotionally fulfilled or had my feelings justified for 7 years. 3rd marriage. I feel hopeless

  • Comment Link Natalie ford Wednesday, 13 September 2017 23:12 posted by Natalie ford

    I read through the stories and for the most part they are very similar. I too was a hostage of my ex husband a narcissist for 40 years. I now realize he targeted me from the beginning. my mom was a single parent as my father died at age 40. I was a registered nurse,intelligent and pretty. just what he needed to look good. we had 4 children. no love or caring for me or the children just sex. I realize now he never loved me. No capacity for love of others. When my therapist Finally told me I was married to a narcissist and he never loved me. Took me a long time to get over this. how could I be with someone for that long and not know this. he was a veryabusive man,self absorbed and a serial. Cheater. The last 10 years of the marriage he didn't even try and hide it. he did porn and paid for sex.I found out he had a mistress. During the divorce I found out he took a mortgage out on our home. he signed my name and my son's name as a witness. Our home was not worth much and I had to pay off the mortgage to sell it 47,000 dollars. I raised our children by myself. he had no interest in being a father. My 4th child is handicapped. I had to stay until he was 19. he did not acknowledge my son. said there was nothing wrong with him and I was crazy. he treated him very poorly. don't want to get into that. I went to a center for abused woman. he never knew I went. They helped me tremendously.i was removed from my family and didn't have much money. One of the worse things he did was the silent treatment. it could go on for weeks. one day it was over and he acted like it never happened. I did get free at age 62. I gave up just about everything in the divorce. The women's center helped get him out of the house and I had a restraining order. The very hostile divorce was dragged out by him to run up my lawyer bill. My credit cards were maxed out,I gave up my house and everything else. I moved 100 miles away from him with my son. I started over at age 62. had nothing but some of our belongings. I left all the furniture and everything in the house. he would have stopped me if he knew I was getting free. took me 13 years to recover. I am free and doing well. I continue with therapy for ptsd and an anxiety disorder. this is the short version. it can be done.he continues to do things to me but I am healthier and can cope better. leaving was the right thing for me but all our situations are different.Good Luck.

  • Comment Link Susan Driver Monday, 21 August 2017 15:15 posted by Susan Driver

    Leaving a narcissist is difficult even though it's a self preserving measure, which should never need to exist. Sometimes the narcissistic partner is quite calculated to rope in their spouse. They are aware of the abnormal treatment they're going to serve. By the time you get to the desert menu in your relationship, you're either stuffed, or sick. There is no sweet ending, no golden years; you're living and investing in a bond breaker. I don't think there is an exact formula for every narcissistic person. So many variables that corrupt leaving. Corruptions include idealistic fantasies that should have never been dreamt, or interpreted. You can either stay and commit yourself to a harmful, self deteriorating life; or leave, and rebuild the person you were meant to be. Next time be wise to the charms and falseness of the calculating narcissist who will robe your life, your soul, and feel no remorse.

  • Comment Link Tara English Saturday, 19 August 2017 00:29 posted by Tara English

    This article hit the nail on the head

  • Comment Link Weed Widow Wednesday, 09 August 2017 00:55 posted by Weed Widow

    If you have a narcissistic husband you are trapped you are on jail you are punished or put down you are ridiculed day and night you have no reason to live according to your husband it will last until the day you die trust me I am living this nightmare

  • Comment Link Do Tuesday, 01 August 2017 21:11 posted by Do

    My narcissistic husband will not let me set boudaries. As soon as I attemt to make one, he finds "weapons" agains it. What he does every single day for hours, he is forcing me to speak to him even if I am busy or in hurry. If I refuse to talk to him, he follows me everywhere I go, even to toilete, speaking shit to me and telling me how bad I am to him and how God will punish me.....:( This is terrible. I understand everyone who comented this article.

  • Comment Link J Monday, 24 July 2017 03:07 posted by J

    How do I get my Husband to see he is this way without him going off on me? Was drowning in depression for long I got so low that is wanted to kill MySelf. I feel so unloved, unwanted and introspected. I Just want to feel loved by him mostly. Not be lied to all the time either. How do I get him to change some of his ways without him realizing it?

  • Comment Link PrisonerOfMarriage Tuesday, 11 July 2017 06:10 posted by PrisonerOfMarriage

    We just got married June 17th. It is now July 10th and I am so sure I made a mistake in marrying my narcissistic wife I am both furious with myself and scared of what to do. We just finished moving in and buying everything for this house we are renting. I hate laying in bed next to her. I am NOT sexually attracted to her anymore (mostly forced out of me by her refusing to have sex for so long). I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and believe we got married for the sake of being able to try out our relationship without so many overbearing military eyes on us. She used to be my best friend. Now I am so ashamed. I am so scared.

  • Comment Link Sherry Turner Friday, 30 June 2017 16:03 posted by Sherry Turner

    Hi there, I am looking for a support group, on my own I have decided to stop putting up with his behavior. he has become very mean and angry and of course blames me for it. I am hoping to join this group so I have a place to vent and communicate with other people who are going through the same thing as me. It is very lonely.

  • Comment Link Charlotte Slemp Tuesday, 27 June 2017 04:06 posted by Charlotte Slemp

    I really enjoyed the article. I feel embarrassed to admit that I have been married to my narcissist husband for almost 55 years. I have only been aware of him being a narcissist for about 2 years. I could not figure out what in the world was going on. I felt like I was loosing my mind. Now to realize it wasn't all me was like a weight being lifted off of me. But now, I see I have so much to do and at my age now, is so overwhelming. It does help though to know I am not alone. I Can't imagine I put up with all that pain for so long. I have so many different feelings, and yes, so much grieving, my heart is definitely broken. Thanks for listening.

  • Comment Link Tango Romeo Alpha Tuesday, 13 June 2017 00:40 posted by Tango Romeo Alpha

    Leave. And when you get there, leave from there. The further you get from a NARC, the closer you get to yourself. The only thing you control is yourself. You cannot love a NARC into an empathetic caring human being. You don't have that kind of power.
    Take all the energy and time you are wasting yhe soulless narc and love yourself more. Leave! And when you get there, leave from there. Save yourself. (And your children, if applicable.)
    And first wives world: shame on you for spreading false propaganda and equivocating that love is all powerful. Cluster B (NPD, BPD etc) fu!@tards are life sucking voids. You will lose your soul. If that's the price you're willing to pay. Stay. But know you're worth more. Love is not all purpose SPACKLE. Stop spackling shitty NARC character. It's dangerous.

    How to leave a narcissist at ChumpLady will explain it better.

    See you there.

  • Comment Link A. H. Wednesday, 24 May 2017 12:41 posted by A. H.

    Lord knows my heart and I pray for my wife in her quest of wanting control of everyone and everything, blames me for everything gone wrong but she has gone way overboard but I stuck in there. I need Help, physically & mentally. I have been to counseling 3 times now trying to figure if it is me. My wife is the total narcissist in the marriage nd she has moved out now, it's been 2 yrs now (abandonment). I feel like I am trying to fix what ever she said it was and it's all her and as if she has done nothing wrong. This is the tricky part, she is happy if I pay for everything and will get mad if she has to pay a little to nothing. I feel used. I just want to know if this is going to change, or do i run to the hills for I am losing myself in this marriage. I felt that love would bring her back to me but it feels as though it's all in vain. She is not trying anything to make it work, not at all. I don't know which way is up anymore. I chose not to step out even though separated, both are Christians but 1 is living A Christ like life and the other is double-minded. Yes, she even told me that i should go and find me a companion and i could not do it. Two wrongs does not make it alright. That tells me what she could be doing (also she said she does not trust me that i have been w/ someone else if i say i have not thought about any other lady for she is my world but that quickly go away due to this disease). I try to say calmly to her something is wrong and i think you need help and she goes off on a tangem real quick and blames me. My pastor knows about us and prays for me to hang in there but I think really, he knows what's up. He can hear her speak nd in her actions of showing love, it a mystery, non existant in church. I have been putting up w/ her for a very long time for love must be blind. Taking my kindness for weakness, now that's wrong. I had no thought of dropping the papers, but she has said that was what she wanted. I feel that I could hurt her by doing it nd that i would be getting back at her for making my life hectic, this is a sickness nd she needs help nd that won't do it for me for I don't like hurting people or her in this case (31 yrs of marriage nd I had hope for change nd it looks dim for us). What God says its not over until I say it's over. People jump for better life, you never know who is or what else is waiting on the other side but t have gone thru the hurt nd pain w/ one, you are there until God says so. Jamed1:2-3 speaks of trials that may come but the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Trust God nd be patient is what i hope for ine day it all is a whisper. You did say or agree if marrried "till death due us part, in sickness nd in health, forsaking all others". God does want us happy but we want more Now so we take it upon ourselves nd hope for better than before. That is where I am at, misery must do love company. Send help for me nd pray for my direction nd strength in this marriage. Is this disease born within or it comes after stuff happens to get (low self esteem about self, things not going her way, trying t compete w/ her man in money matters (I save for fun nd emergencies), she spends like no tmorrow) not a good way to live, always puts self into debt w/ credit cards, don't like people talks about them if not doing what she wants or thinks, always shouting for the smallest things, always want what she can't have or want me to get it for her (materialistic). I hate it all but I love my wife, she can't determine which way to go either nd this pulling me along, well it's gotta be put to a halt. I have done more for our family nd t tolerate her berating me? I won't argue w/ her but it's becoming too much to handle. I am a better person than she thinks I am nd w/ all of her blaming me for this nd that when it is all her doing to herself. Hurt people really do hurt people. I am done. Thx for reading. Send help my way. Be blessed.

  • Comment Link Jeremy McGraw Thursday, 04 May 2017 14:01 posted by Jeremy McGraw

    I am starting to clear my own head, my wife of 12 years is a narcissist. Feel like i was blinded by love and had i been a bit smarter i could have seen ALL the signes,and there's alot. We have 2 young boys ages 4+7 and im starting to see the narcissistic personality aiming at them.leaving is not an option, at least for now. I have to stay to protect them. Can anyone point me to any support groups online or any other place i might find help? Im ready to stop caring about my feelings and play along with her because of my boys. I can't leave them with her.
    Thank you .

  • Comment Link jstra Friday, 28 April 2017 23:26 posted by jstra

    Is it possible to stay married to a narcissist without losing your mind and being miserable? I have been married to a narcissist for 25 years. We are Christians and are very active in our church where my husband's brother is the pastor. Our marriage was emotionally empty to the point where I didn't think he loved me, and it was obvious he cared more about spending time with his pastor brother than with me, so I found other activities and befriended a woman who had him pegged immediately and has been supporting me while I pray about what to do. He's been viewing porn the entire time we've been married and I recently confronted him about it. I told him he had two years (when our last child graduates from high school) to get some accountability and prove he's quit porn or I am leaving. Since then, he's turned his focus on me and tries to control everything I do, he's tried to destroy my friendship, and he's told me I can't participate in my activities anymore, all in the name of submission. I quit everything for him and he still doesn't feel like it's enough yet. My friend and I have to see and talk to each other secretly. We are in therapy now with a Christian counselor who tells it to him straight. She flat out told him he is a narcissist and he needs to let up on controlling me, but he argues and doesn't see why it's wrong. I have been in a deep depression about how to honor this man and submit to him without having my soul destroyed in the process. After lots of prayer, studying the cultures of biblical times, and reading scripture, I have come to the conclusion that God's heart is such that He will forgive me if I don't submit to my husband "in everything" as the Bible says. I have to listen to the heart of God reflected in the Bible and not necessarily take the word-for-word interpretation that was written for a particular culture with a context that no longer exists. I know this view may not be acceptable to some Christian women, and I would have felt the same way a month ago, but after being nearly incapacitated by depression, I have felt peace about this. I am still praying about whether or not I should stay with him or leave.

  • Comment Link Cheryl Eudy Friday, 21 April 2017 22:38 posted by Cheryl Eudy

    I am married to a narcissist! Need all the help I can get!

  • Comment Link R R Monday, 17 April 2017 16:13 posted by R R


    I am married to a diagnosed narcissist. Have been with him for 11 years. I took anti depressants for years to make me not despise him, until my DR said no more/bad for your health and so I stopped. We have been in marriage counselling as I said that I was so unhappy but I find him exhausting. He seems lovely one day, horrid the next. Or flips from one thing to the other in an evening. He can be lovely and supportive and saying that he's going to change and then verbally attacking me for being frightened of him an our later then , contrite the following morning. We have two young children and I'm so tired from managing him that I've nothing left over for them, let alone myself although as long as the kids are ok I don't care about me anyway.
    But I just don't know how to get away, he tells me that he wants me to wait for him to change and heal his core with his own therapy journey. Doesn't get it that I've been waiting for that change for 11 years and am just 'done' with it all. I realised in the 456th conversation that we had today that even this is still all about him, when he said 'I'm not ready yet, how can you leave before I am ready for this to be over'. I'm paraphrasing here but hopefully get the gist.
    I'm just so exhausted from battling him that I don't have the energy to get up and leave. Besides where would I even go, our finances are in a mess and I have no family to speak of.
    Your post says that leaving is better than staying. But how do you summon the energy to walk away?'
    He's gaslighted me for years to the point that I don't even know what is true anymore. I don't even feel as though I can trust him to be responsible with the children, there's been a couple of episodes lately that have shown me that. But if I talk to people they tell me he's a great guy and I should be grateful, he's trying to be kinder now and more helpful but somehow it feels superficial. If I say that to him he cries and I just feel like such a horrible/terrible person. And he says things like 'well, if you've given up on me/us then what can I do' like it was a conscious decision on my part. And it really wasn't. I've tried SO hard to make it work, but feel half dead in my soul...silly as that sounds.

    My heart says that's he's not a kind man, but with all the pretending tonne kind he does I get confused. I used to be so independant. Now even basic decisions are difficult.

  • Comment Link maryann Saturday, 08 April 2017 04:35 posted by maryann

    My husband of 23 years blames every concern/complaint I have on my hormones. It is his excuse not to take what I say as a valid concern or complaint. He tells me I am crazy. Yet, like one of the other comments....he can be great too. I'm not talking about him schmoozing me after he's been a jerk. (he does that too) I mean he is generally nice and I enjoy being around him.... AS LONG AS THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS.
    The minute things go wrong or he gets called out because of his selfish behavior or lying it is a nightmare. I'm not allowed to speak, he will walk away or at best stand there and mock me, "I'll talk to you after your hormones go back to normal"...(we never do talk) or he will desrepect me by calling me crazy or sometimes cuss at me. It is crazy.

  • Comment Link Vanessa Monday, 27 March 2017 16:29 posted by Vanessa

    I've been married to my narcissist husband for 20 years and never knew he was a narcissist until I was searching for help on the internet. I have no family support and no friends I can trust to talk to so I turned to the internet. I'm glad I came across this site because I'm about to lose my mind.

  • Comment Link Helen Thursday, 23 March 2017 03:13 posted by Helen

    It's amazing to no I'm not alone. He makes me feel completely invisible . Unless there something he wants me to do for his benefit. I could be sick it could be the loss of my mother he just leaves me alone with it all and goes about his life. No conscious . For someone that hasn't expreanced it . You just can't believe what happening rite before your eyes . I've made excusses in my own head for him. I'm tired of it all.

  • Comment Link Issa Sunday, 19 March 2017 19:32 posted by Issa

    I dont think anyone dan stay or survive a narcissistic marriage. Unless God change hus heart.

  • Comment Link Esther Sunday, 12 March 2017 10:26 posted by Esther

    I gasped audibly many times while reading this. It's been my life for so long and I am just realizing this has a label; and I'm not alone. Thank you so very much for writing it. It's a huge help to read or here something other than "just go". Being married to a narcissist sucks. Being divorced from (while raising young children with) a narcissist will be awful.

    I'm so strong that I can do this. It sucks, it's difficult, it is no fun, but I can do this.

  • Comment Link Sharon van der Meewe Thursday, 09 March 2017 07:52 posted by Sharon van der Meewe

    Good day. Thank ypu for your artile. I have been reading the comments and am shocked to realise how many women are out there in the same aituation as me. We're married for 32years and I'm still covering up for him. Still wearing a smile on my face when inside I'm dying. Reading your article has given me aome hope. I am joining the club for women ans hope it give me the srenth and willpower ro leve him. Thank you.

  • Comment Link Trudy mitchell Tuesday, 21 February 2017 17:24 posted by Trudy mitchell

    I am,a Christian woman with a narrisistic x boyfriend. Yes we were engaged and he left after 2 years. yes all of the hallmark signs abusive, left with no warning. Won't answer calls or,texts. He text me and said I will always,love you. I believe he did and does as much as he knows how. I have an understanding of his abusive father during childhood and I feel so sorry because I know if not me i doubt anyone will ever stand by his side. He will die alone. He is 60 and acts 20. very handsome and youthful acting so am I. He has cheated more times than i want to know yet I feel my maturity and love and commitment can help him live the rest of his life with hope and a feeling of being loved. but everything I read says to run. I don't feel like that's God. can you give me advice thank you

  • Comment Link Elizabeth Monday, 16 January 2017 12:29 posted by Elizabeth

    Awesome article! Very helpful! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm 36 years in. What a ride.

  • Comment Link sandra Friday, 13 January 2017 21:00 posted by sandra

    I am married to such a monster. he doesn't even seem to know I am alive. if he does notice, it is to scream insults at me. last year I took a boundaries course, and am slowly crawling back to myself. he is constantly trying to interfere. one thing I would like to know how to do, is to stop his verbal and emotional abuse of my daughter. if he can't control me, he heads over to her. She seems to be quite loyal to him as he says horrible things about me and has been doing this for years. same with the neighbors, and the people he knows elsewhere. I am completely isolated.

  • Comment Link Amommyof2 Sunday, 01 January 2017 19:15 posted by Amommyof2

    I am in the thick of it right now....feeling alone and invisible but have 2 precious children to think about. Everything has to be on his terms and he will NEVER see my feelings or perspective. The hardest part is that he can be so nice and generous at times.....I wish he were always nasty so it would be so much easier to leave. I look forward to connecting with others who have left and have no regrets even though it was hard.

  • Comment Link Deborah Monday, 19 December 2016 05:20 posted by Deborah

    Your article touched me on so many different levels; even the part of leaving the church and losing all my friends and a few family members. Thankfully, I'm NOT married to a narcissistic person but is dating one and who almost said "yes" but so glad I came to my senses. I know that feeling of being free!

  • Comment Link Dan Wednesday, 14 December 2016 21:03 posted by Dan

    Thanks for this. Although this is in reverse. It's my wife who's the narcissist.

  • Comment Link Amanda Dizmang Tuesday, 06 December 2016 07:41 posted by Amanda Dizmang

    Sigh. We need to form a club.

  • Comment Link Beverly Rogers Thursday, 01 December 2016 09:05 posted by Beverly Rogers

    Hello, I am from Canada and would like to know if I can join the first level of First Wives World and the second one as well?
    With thanks...Beverly

  • Comment Link kat Tuesday, 29 November 2016 23:42 posted by kat

    wow, some of it sounds like me! but you are out of it. me, I'm still here (41 yrs worth!)

    how do I get out? great article

  • Comment Link Schnop Saturday, 26 November 2016 14:32 posted by Schnop

    I, unfortunately, became involved in a sociopathic/narcisstic relationship. We have been together 2 1/2 years. I suspected early on that he seemed "off", but wrote it off at first to my being too critical or judgemental of him. I am a pretty smart, independent, strong and successful woman who has accomplished a lot in my years and I fell in his trap. He was quick to flatter me, profess his love for me, tell me that I was more beautiful than his dead wife, move in, and talk marriage. I called him out on any wrong doings or inappropriate behavior only for him to deny or counterattack. As more time passed, more of his true self started to show. It seemed when I stopped responding to one of his forms of abuse/control, another would pop up. The gaslighting started next. A very petty incident had occurred that made me pick up that immediately. One day he was unloading the DW and put empty Pyrex bowls in the refrigerator. When I amusingly pointed it out, he looked at me with a very serious look and said "I thought you did that". I said " unloaded the DW not me" He to this day denies he did and pretty much blamed me saying since I have "memory issues" I just don't remember doing it or that I did it to be vindictive because that's how 'you roll". It made me sick to my stomach. I'm on to him and researched this mental disorder extensively through reading and therapy. He is an attorney, which makes matters worse as they do not ever admit to being wrong and are so quick to find holes in your words. I've learned less is more (I'm cautious how I word things with minimal words) I don't engage in his behavior. If I find something out of place, I either leave it there or put it back without a word. Therefore, he gets no reaction out of me which he so desires. As his masks fall, I don't respond. Now, you may ask, why am I still with him? He pays me good money for "rent' and I'm in the middle of helping pay for my daughters wedding. When that's all done so will he be done. I'm just playing his game for now all the while knowing what he is trying to do to get control. He is not physically violent, just trying to be emotionally violent but I know the truth about myself, don't believe his words, never apologize for his false accusations, have other healthy relationships and hobbies, exercise, remain happy, and most importantly love myself. It will be over soon.

  • Comment Link Ketina Tuesday, 01 November 2016 14:44 posted by Ketina

    This article was extremely helpful! Thank you. Some of these things I have already starting doing. I continue to assess myself and the relationship to determine the choice I will make.

  • Comment Link Natalie Handsjuk Saturday, 22 October 2016 00:23 posted by Natalie Handsjuk

    Thank goodness for you! Reading your experience and your suggestions feels as if I have been validated and saved all at once. The most valuable tool you gave me was reminding me that I have a choice to go or stay and that by staying I would have to accept being invisible. Thank you!

  • Comment Link Stumped Monday, 03 October 2016 21:20 posted by Stumped

    I need help from someone to tell me if they think my husband is narcissistic of not. I am going to see a therapist because I am having a lot of conflict with my marriage and it is really important that I figure this out because he refuses to go to counseling with me because he says I am the problem. He is very jealous, I am asked to stay home and help him with his businesses but he dies not give me a salary, he does not give me cash but I get credit cards and he monitors all my purchases big and small. If I buy a shirt or makeup or anything extra for myself, he flies into a rage and says I am betraying him. He makes 300k take home. He has expensive toys and hobbies; I have none but not by choice. I am told we have to put any extra money in the new business but it seems strange he always has money and decides trips, weekends, dinners, etc. I care for his 8 year old son from his somewhat absent ex. He has full custody of the boy. I take him to school, cook for him, and have helped him raise his C's and D's to A's. I help with PTA and volunteer. His ex sometimes harasses me even one incident at the child's school during a PTA volunteer outing and I had to report it to the school police dept- I think she is bipolar 2 and borderline personality. It has really upset me and it took me a year to get my husband to put her on email only because she calls and talks "smack" to us all hours of the night, day, weekends and holidays. She says ugly things to her son about me to create parental alienation, yet neither parent helps when I ask for help. Sometimes, even though the two parents do not get along, I think he is really pissed at me for creating the healthy boundary with her. He knows I suffer from PTSD and I get upset when a man yells or aggressors me yet, he is extremely confrontational even when I ask him to please stop because I am feeling a panic attack coming on. He escalates arguments then, blames everything on me. I need to know, is he possibly narcissistic?

  • Comment Link BLESSING GRACE Monday, 19 September 2016 16:53 posted by BLESSING GRACE

    cuatro Esto es sólo un recordatorio de que la fecha límite para entrar en nuestros
    resultados resuelven-a-Spell es de 3 días a partir de ahora de la
    medianoche! Si usted ha estado pensando acerca de la presentación de estos
    artículos o no ha presentado sus datos todavía, o no se ha de proveer este
    elemento necesario para su trabajo, o que se haya comunicado a otro médico por
    su respuesta de apoyo antes de que sea demasiado tarde, no hay tiempo como
    el actual. Vamos a recoger todas las grabaciones en una especie de "
    consultor santuario ', así que tenlo en cuenta, escribir volveré seguro porque
    amo a todos mis clientes tanto y un poco de palabra al sabio es suficiente. para
    que yo pueda hacer que su deseo del corazón concedido, ningún cuerpo viene
    a mi santuario en busca de ayuda, sin resultado, mis obras y el resultado habla
    por mí, estoy esperando saber de usted, gracias

  • Comment Link xd Tuesday, 13 September 2016 07:07 posted by xd

    I feel for you, I'm there and it hurts so bad. I don't know who i Am anymore, I saw a therapist AND a psychiatrist, was put on antidepressants because i couldn't deal with all the negativity and him putting me down, I gave my therapists other reasons , such as stress and my mother's sickness as probable reasons for my depressive state, I always covered up for him and justified him.

    We had so many arguments, asking him to be more aware of his behavior, they always ended up in rage and in me apologizing..

    this wont happen anymore.

  • Comment Link TeresaE Sunday, 04 September 2016 13:06 posted by TeresaE

    @KarenL, yeah there is a scripture for it... I too believe that marriage is a one time deal unless my husband dies. He too told me he wanted to live alone and didnt love me so we have lived apart since then. But there are scriptures that give me comfort. The main one,Ive read it 100 times and keep telling myself even if I dont divorce him, I need to is 2 Timothy 3:1-7. I pray you find healing. Also check out 2 Peter 3:14 about how you should feel. 1 Corinthians 7:11-16 about how to feel if he decides to leave, or if you decide to leave him. all of Chapter 7 is helpful, just make sure that you find peace and joy in whichever happens. Be of good courage❤

  • Comment Link lee Sunday, 28 August 2016 06:26 posted by lee

    i dont believe it can be done, its too damn exhausting in the end!

  • Comment Link Sara Friday, 26 August 2016 12:38 posted by Sara

    This post was such an intelligent approach to what a person faces when staying with a narcissist. It is absolutely horrible. On the one hand, you love this person because you are an empathetic, normal human being. On the other hand, the narcissistic treatment you receive makes you feel absolutely empty inside.

  • Comment Link David Saturday, 30 July 2016 00:09 posted by David

    Chauvinistic author not to think a male could be married to a narcissist wife (female).

    Maybe he wasn't coming back for character flaws you were unable to review of your own.

  • Comment Link Toomuchdamage Thursday, 28 July 2016 18:55 posted by Toomuchdamage

    Reading this makes me so sad. I have been with my husband since 2003. I am at my end of the crazy making. Over all these years ( yes even before we were married) I was accused of cheating. Not having his back. I have been told I am boring, not good in bed, ugly , dress bad, cook bad, etc. We have zero communication . When he feels there is something wrong he will approach me and tell him how it is all my fault etc. I never approach him as to why go down the road were all the blame is on me and he will never see or accept what he has done in this relationship.
    Time is real bad as I have stopped doing for him, ignoring him as he does me, being cold etc. So he is freaking out. I am done doing for a man who does nothing for me. Regardless of how much I have asked/ begged just to be loved and touched. Touched in the simplistic terms that does not have to result in sex. He refuses to do anything for me that does not result in something for him.

  • Comment Link Linda Morris Wednesday, 27 July 2016 15:28 posted by Linda Morris

    great article. Very informative and believe it or not sent to me by my oldest daughter!!

  • Comment Link Georgia Monday, 25 July 2016 09:24 posted by Georgia

    I have been with my husband almost 21 years. I am heartbroken and exhausted to the core. I just discovered my mother and father are both narcissists. I knew there was something wrong but only able to pinpoint this at age 38. I knew something also ws very wrong in my marriage but could not pinpoint it. I am 50/50 in believing if it is narcissisim. I often doubt myself and wonder if it is just me. But then I think about the symptoms. In 21 years, I have never had my husband on my side. He has spoken untruths about me behind my back, he has never seemed to be by my side or even on my side, he only touches me when he wants sex, I have never even heard him ask me if I am ok. I am often left alone unless he needs me to do something for him. And then my inner dialog goes back and forth as if my logical side gets it but my emotional side refuses to belive it could be possible. If he is, and I can find some finite diagnosis that he is, there is no way I can get myself to stay. It just about destroyed me dealing with my narcissistic sociopath mother. My dad broke my heart but we never really had a bond.I am determined to keep narcissists out of my life as I know there is no way to expect growth and healthy development in a relationship with a narcissist. I just feel slow at recognizing if I am somehow strangly attracted to narcissists. I love my husband. I do not feel confident that he loves me. I am trying to learn to listen to my instincts and stop doubting myself. I do not know how it feels to be unconditionally loved without judgement or paying a price for "love". I hate this feeling of insecurity and I am wanting to be loved. I just do not know how to get unconditional love.

  • Comment Link Feeling Hopeless Sunday, 24 July 2016 01:02 posted by Feeling Hopeless

    I have been with my husband since 10/14/ first everything was good...besides the usual up and downs of any regular relationship...we got married 09/082014...and now i am realizing that his behavioral pattern is consistent of a narcissitic person. I used to think that it was my fault but for the past few months i have is not my fault. I believe in my vows for better or for worse but is there anyway to get him to see with his own eyes the damage he is causing and save the man i fell in love with and is still in love with? Or do i just split?...It would break my heart but i also don't want to break our children's heart's either.

  • Comment Link Lynette Tuesday, 31 May 2016 23:19 posted by Lynette

    I also am at the point of trying to decide whether to stay or leave my narcissist husband. We have two young children. I feel like this will be the hardest and most important decision I will ever make. About two months ago he told me he wanted a divorce and we started the process (basically just met with attorneys). 3 weeks later he decides he made a mistake and wanted to stay together. I had prayed so hard for reconciliation. I still love him and it broke my heart to think of my family being torn apart. But through all that, I took a hard look at myself and our marriage and now I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm disappearing - have no interests other than spending time with the kids, I have no voice in decisions, no motivation to do anything. Just feel so worn out. And I literally cannot think straight - can't remember anything, can't focus. I am fearful of staying because of completely losing myself, being miserable and I worry about the effects his criticism will have on the kids. On the other hand I'm terrified to go - knowing what a good actor he can be and how he blames everything on me already. I have read horror stories of how narcissists twist things around and manipulate in a divorce. Plus, the kids will be heartbroken. Their love is so sweet, innocent and unconditional. They love him in spite of his anger and the things he says. And if I stay I can try to protect them. I have been praying. Just feels like neither option is a good one. I feel so discouraged. Thanks for letting me vent.

  • Comment Link KarenL Tuesday, 31 May 2016 15:13 posted by KarenL

    I am losing my mind! I am obsessed with my husband's narcissism. There is something everyday I have to deal with. He was a narcissist ever since I have known him, I just didn't realize it until a couple of years ago. I know I am an enabler and as I get older and start realizing time is running out in life, I need to start making changes. I have now refused sex with him, cause its just sex, nothing more to him. I can't do it anymore. I can't give myself to someone in that way when all I get from him is anger, disrespect, and neglect on a daily basis. Now the shits starting to hit the fan and my stomach is churning. Now he's using scripture on me regarding sex in marriage. I need a prayer for a cure for his narcissism. What if we all prayed the same prayer together and heal all our narcissistic spouses. This relationship is killing me inside...I need peace, love, and happiness. Does anyone have a scripture for this that I can send to my husband? I can't get through to him with my words...but what about God's words?

  • Comment Link Ann Roberts Monday, 30 May 2016 10:28 posted by Ann Roberts

    I too are married to a Narcissitic man for 20 years and like so many others the reality creeps up on you, yes I agree we were attracted to someone who needed uus but gradually as we all grow and develop we then realise it is no life, we are in fact just carers and energy givers who become exhausted and used.
    I have this awful feeling of feeling so sorry for him before myself but feel I can not live the rest of my life like this, I am 67 and wonder if I have left it too late. Can I live my own life and not just live every hour of his,

  • Comment Link JenM Thursday, 26 May 2016 14:21 posted by JenM

    Laurie Anne, I've read your comment and could not stop crying. I know your pain as it is mine. Your words are mine. Your tears are mine. I wish you strength and blessings from the universe to make our path hopeful. And happy, as I know you, and I, deserve. May our souls learn what they need to learn from this and somehow, through all this pain, we develop a certainty that we can have better. I pray that, somehow, from a miracle within, we become brave enough. Just enough. It was so good to read your words, thank you for sharing. "Before, I saw dimly as through a glass, but now I see clearly face-to-face."

  • Comment Link Bird Wednesday, 11 May 2016 16:30 posted by Bird

    I am married to a man that I believe to be a narcissist.. I do not have children and I cannot and to be honest, I thank the Creator everyday for this.. I am married to the man that holds his family close and treats his nieces and nephews with love.. but when it comes to me I never do enough and can't do anything right without him..
    I have made it very clear I can live without him and of course he threatens to send me back home.. ( He moved us 1900 miles away from our home town) I have said go ahead.. but I truly love my @$$hole husband and I want to make this work.. this isn't my first or even second time around with marriage and I am not about to walk away.. I need someone to talk to and relate to... I am a strong Native American woman who was brought up in poverty and alcoholism and I manage not to be a drug addict, an alcoholic and I have managed in my 40 years of life to be a good person.. I am willing to go the distance with this man but I am not willing to lose myself in this... I just need an outlet.. thank you

  • Comment Link Helena Glass Friday, 29 April 2016 23:09 posted by Helena Glass

    I met my husband (second marriage) and he wooed me like crazy, bought me gifts, wanted to be with me nearly every day, took me on holidays, was loving and attentive. I wanted to meet his family but he said they weren't ready... His children were bitter about his divorce and had nothing to do with him. He was a hypocrite in their eyes as he divorced her for no valid reason while espousing his Christianity.
    When my children and I finally did meet his family for Christmas, we were completely ostracized by everyone - the Cinderella story. I cried, and my boys cried and it was just awful. I broke it off with him but he begged me, said he was so sorry, would make it all better... And I got hooked.
    So many times I broke it off and still got hooked back, reeled in like a fish on a hook. Had no idea about narcissism - nothing.
    We did get married and had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon - but then the fighting began. I felt like I had just dropped into the hole of Alice in Wonderland and everyone was insane. But he always told me it was me - I was paranoid, I was making it up, I was at fault. Then it escalated to I was evil, I was wicked, I was going to burn in Hell, I was a b**ch, on and on in emails to everyone - including our then counselor. friends started backing away.
    I found out he was a porn addict. Pictures, escort sites, anonymous sex sites, the works. And he was ashamed - and vowed he would never do it again. But he did.
    I had no idea why he treated me the way he did and lost my temper when he would start raging at me. I spiraled. And felt I was to blame.
    What kept me sane? My children. I began to slowly realize that if I was really so awful why did I have such great kids and a great relationship with them? Whereas he had no relationship with his children and very abbreviated relationship with his family. He shared his hatred for his dad and his stepmother - even after 40 years together. His mother was all about gossiping, none of the siblings like the respective spouses. Disfunction is everywhere, but this was over the top.
    Every nine months he threatened to divorce me unless I did things that he dictated. One time he gave me a three page list which even included how often I exercise, and that I must ask permission before inviting my kids over.
    I have to say, I contributed to the disfunction because I didn't know what was going on, I didn't understand why... until a couple years ago when I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I learned that his own counselor diagnosed him with it before we got married. I got counseling and was told he would never change, that my only choices were to buck up or leave. I thought setting the boundaries would work. It didn't - mainly because after I called him on it, he began to tell everyone I was a narcissist. He craved their pity for him. He was the martyr putting up with the crazy wife.
    He filed for divorce again just eight months ago - and then changed his mind. My Pastor agreed to counsel us. He went four times and then decided my Pastor was an idiot.
    Like some of the other women - he keeps our finances separate - no sharing - That is until he started having financial problems, then suddenly he wanted me to give up a hunk of money and that it was my duty as his wife and a Christian.
    I didn't - thankfully.
    He set up a counselor to mediate me into giving him the money he needs and we met with her for 45 minutes. I stayed with the counselor while he left having made his case. The woman turned to me and was nearly hysterical, "What have you done! Why are you still with this man? He is a narcissist, a control freak!"
    I was floored. She saw through him in 45 minutes.
    To the best of my knowledge he does not have a mistress. Biblically, I feel trapped. Financially, I feel trapped. Going through even the initial stages of the last divorce I saw what I would be dealing with. He was maniacal, he wanted to destroy me, it was like fire coming out of his eyes. The idea of having to go through that takes my breath away.
    When he is at work it is all okay because I don't have to deal with him. But if I say no to a demand he becomes unglued.
    I am on the fence because of my Christian faith and my financial dilemma - he gives me an allowance.
    I am sure that divorce will become the resolution ultimately as he has no repentence whatsoever, none. Zilch.

  • Comment Link Claudia Tuesday, 26 April 2016 14:38 posted by Claudia

    I am terrified right now, realizing that a decade of indifference, lies, half-truths, subtle jabs, dull daggers, consistent disappointment, broken promises, apathy, criticism and walking on egg-shells has been due to my having, unwittingly, married, who I fear, is a narcissist. I am terrified of leaving because of the potential damage he can and will likely inflict on our fragile (what little girl isn't?) 7 and 8 year old daughters. I am so terrified I came to this website in hopes of hearing, learning, how I can make it in this marriage another decade (when they'll be 19 and 18) and hopefully not too damaged by the current and what I presume to be, future chaos. I am willing to put my big girl panties on and stick with it if only to keep them safe in their formative years. I can wait to bail another ten years, I can. I am willing to use medication, anxiolytics or anti-deprressants, learn yoga and meditation, anything to keep me in the ring as long as I have to. I hope to learn here, and through the personal counseling I just started, how to do this. Thanks in advance.

  • Comment Link Ron Thursday, 21 April 2016 08:38 posted by Ron

    i never never thought i would write or even be going through this website. not to say my husband was over the top romantic or super sweet, not by far. he had a clear vision about life in general, after so many failed relationships in my youth, he was by far the best. none of his behaviors hinted anything to me. he called me his queen, he treated me like one, especially in front of my family. he was and still is the BEST husband in the whole family. years later i started feeling a little bit drained by his arrogance:

    - on the road every driver is wrong except for him
    - at the mall he is the best dressed of all
    - when there is a group of people around his achievment suddenly grow by 1000%
    - he hides from the world when business is not good
    - he invites the whole town when money is good
    - he critisizes every hotel room, restaurant,
    airoplane that we enter. by the time we settle down he has seen 5-10 faults in a place.
    - he gives ridiculous tips to those who serve us, when he has no money, he does not want to go near those mall shops or whatever. i have to go instead, giving the most flimsy excuse on earth
    - exagarates his youth achievements, where it was not grate, his father, mother, cousin, or even granny were the reason for that failure
    - when i or the kids are sick, it nothing much, when he is sick, not even the TV must be played. whether its his foot or a headache, his voice sound like he will die the next minute.
    - when the kids don't perform well in anything, i take the blame squarley, the tutors are next
    - he will not support when i try to achieve something, and when i do, he tells the whole world how much he wanted me to do that, and actually bigger things

    Let stop there, im getting exhausted just writting about all this. one thing i know is that ive developed such a resilince to all this. i politely here what i want to here, i see what i want to see. my kids are in the best of schools, i would never afford them, yet i would never want him to take them. i am pursuing my degree. i have a long term plan. i am glad that my kids are growing up and they are slowly seeing the gaps is the dad. i know that sooner or later they would actually force me to leave, that's when i will unleash my surprise. deep inside IM DONE with. it does not even hurt anymore.

  • Comment Link R Friday, 08 April 2016 23:02 posted by R

    "When he begins to criticize you tell him very calmly that you will not be talked to in that way and leave the room.
    When he blames you for something refuse to accept the blame.
    When he requires you to do something for him when you are exhausted learn to say no."

    Do these boundaries work with a narcissist? I did not find them to work. The narcissist does not respect boundaries. In my experience, if I tried to leave the room or house, he would get to the door first and barricade me within it. Saying no would just drive him into a rage, with all the damages I would sustain from that. Refuse to accept the blame? How can one have a relationship with someone who constantly blames everyone else? Again, refusing to accept blame would escalate into terror, rage, false imprisonment, physical abuse...

    Seriously, the above-mentioned boundaries did not and do not work in a relationship with a narcissist, who has no boundaries. And if he has no boundaries within himself, why would he respect them in others?

    The boundary that did work was me leaving, divorcing, obtaining a no contact order, calling the police upon infringements, and disciplining myself to never respond to my ex husband ever again. Perhaps another boundary to set is against the notion that marriage is forever.

  • Comment Link Carrie M Tuesday, 05 April 2016 16:37 posted by Carrie M

    I recently discovered that I am married to a narcissist. I've read some of the comments below and a lot of them are my life. My husband had never been physically abusive, but his verbal abuse is worse than any physical abuse (in my opinion). What confuses me is that he has two daughters from previous marriages, and they are his entire world. He loves them unconditionally, gives them everything, and spoils them beyond belief. His oldest is a married, almost 25 year old, and his youngest will be 19 in May of this year. He still feels as though he needs to protect them and he will give to them financially even if it means he's doing without. That being said, he treats me the exact opposite. We have been together for almost 9 years and married for 4 years. We still have separate checking accounts and he refuses to put our money together. His "stuff" is his and my "stuff" is his also. When his children are upset, he cries for them. When his children are angry at him for something, he's beside himself with anxiety and will turn himself inside out to coddle them. That being said, he treats me the total opposite. He's very selfish. If I'm angry at him or I'm upset about something, he could care less, and could go for weeks without speaking to me to resolve any differences. When I begin to "pull away" from him, he quickly jumps on the "we don't have anything in common anymore, don't waste my time, we need to get a divorce" band wagon. It used to bother me and I would become very nervous and do whatever I could to fix things. Recently, however, I've become numb to his nasty comments, cussing at me, totally ignoring me, and I've decided to take my life back. I joined the gym and go every night of the week with my 15 year son. I do what I want to do and I don't worry about what he's doing. He's noticed it and he does not like it at all. It's an extremely sad way to live a married life, and one day I will probably leave him and get divorced, but I'm not to that point yet. Not far away though.....

  • Comment Link Laurie Anne Saturday, 05 March 2016 06:28 posted by Laurie Anne

    I am 46. I have been with a narcissist for 20 years, and married to him for 13. I just learned recently that he is a narcissist. Like many people posting here, I came across information about narcissism and realized the description fit perfectly. Up until that moment, his behavior had been a complete mystery.

    But it was always clear something was not right, and it was apparent to my oldest daughter as well. When she was 11, she asked me matter-of-factly, "What is wrong with Dad?" At the time, I didn't know, but it was a constant question in my mind. Now he makes perfect sense. On top of this, I realized that my late mother was a narcissist, too. For the first time ever, the events of my life which had always felt as confusing as a jumbled puzzle have fallen into place.

    I do not want a divorce, but not for religious reasons. I do not believe God is opposed to divorce in this situation. In fact, I believe that I, and everyone else posting here, have been led by God to this information. "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32.

    Realizing that both my mother and my husband had a very specific, definable personality disorder that explains entirely their hurtful behaviors has made me feel very free. I finally understand! What felt wrong and incomprehensible my whole life now makes total sense. And despite what my mother and husband would have me believe - I know it's not my fault. "Before, I saw dimly as through a glass, but now I see clearly face-to-face." 1st Corinthians, 12-13.

    If I did not have kids that are very attached to him, I would divorce him in a New York minute. A narcissist can make themselves very lovable, especially if they have an enabler like I've been to smooth over the rough spots. Like always, I am just trying to protect my kids from hurt. I know for a fact that he won't be there for them in a reliable way if we don't keep operating as a nuclear family. For example, he'd constantly be cancelling on them. The fact that a certain time is his time to be with the kids means nothing to him if he'd rather do something else. Also, divorce would mean he would have time alone with them to criticize and verbally abuse and I wouldn't be there to intervene.

    So, I visited this site wanting to know if it is logistically possible to stay married to a narcissist. I was almost thinking I could do it, until I read the absolutely heartbreaking post below from the 60 year old woman who regrets "wasting her life" by staying with a narcissist.

    I don't know if I could meet anyone else at my age who would want to love me, but what if there is someone out there and I never allow myself to be loved the way I deserve? Jesus shows us by his love to the church how a husband's love should be to a wife, and the way a narcissist acts as a husband is not it.

    I see that someone below has the user name of "don't pity the narc," and that is a good reminder. Now that I realize my husband is not "well," it is all too easy for me to want to feel sorry for him and excuse his behavior. I think narcissists naturally seek out highly empathetic people-pleasers. But extending empathy to people who are incapable of returning it and trying to please people who cannot and will not be pleased is extremely dangerous.

    I have been honest with my oldest child about her father and she knows now what he is. My husband, of course, won't go to therapy (he'd be found out!), but my daughter and I are. As soon as my other child is old enough to understand, I will be honest with her too and we'll start therapy as well.

    I'm really not sure what to do next. I go back and forth constantly on whether to divorce. Part of the problem is, it will get REALLY ugly. He's made that clear. I will have to have him removed by force of law. I've told him flat out that I want him to leave, and he has told me flat out that he's not going anywhere. I'm the gravy train in this family, so he is not eager to leave me. With me, he's had his cake and ate it too for 20 years.

    His tirades don't phase me anymore. I feel like Neo in The Matrix when he realizes that his enemy is not real, only a program. Instead of seeing bullets, he sees computer code and realizes the whole thing is false. Knowing the truth, he shoos away the bullets as if they were pesky flies. That's how I feel when my narc rants at me now. Like, yeah yeah, whatever. He sounds to me like the adults in Peanuts cartoons, "wa-waaa-wa-waa-wa."

    What I'd really like to do is what you're not supposed to do with a narcissist. I want to confront him and tell him the truth. I want to say right to his face, "You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder." Show him the evidence, call him on his behaviors, give concrete examples and make him face it.

    Let's see if I really do it though. It's one thing to blow off his ranting, and another to try to directly hit him where he lives. For all my bravado, deep down I am still scared of him and what he's capable of. At his core, he's mean as poison.

    Sorry for such a long post. Feels good to unburden. Thanks.

  • Comment Link Melissa Friday, 04 March 2016 09:25 posted by Melissa

    Same position, 62 years old and 5 children later. This is hard. let's talk.

  • Comment Link CP Wednesday, 17 February 2016 00:55 posted by CP

    Hi: My friends narc husband refuses to leave single or married women alone. He gets a high trying to woo them into a forbidden relationships. He has now since got my good friend into serious financial debt with his business. He has over $400k in loans and owes everyone from here to China. They have kids together and he tries acting like Daddy of the Year. He screws over everyone and makes it look like everyone else in nuts or stupid for falling for his lines of BS! Any advice to give her? He's on his religious kick again too. He thinks by going to church every flipping Sunday it cures all his mess ups. What a crock.

  • Comment Link Kim Tuesday, 09 February 2016 13:48 posted by Kim

    I've been married for almost 30 years, I love my family and my husband, but I see the, emotional and the inability to can I make this work?

  • Comment Link Sabiannie Saturday, 06 February 2016 05:36 posted by Sabiannie

    I'm a young mother and wife and my husband fills every area of a narc. I didn't want to break up my family but I'm starting to question if maybe I should follow your example. I'm scared and alone in all this except my Lord and savior no one is there to help me threw this I will try out your community and get some answers .Thank you for sharing ❤

  • Comment Link Terrie Hall Wednesday, 03 February 2016 00:49 posted by Terrie Hall

    I am going to join your community cause I like so many other people need to heal myself but at the same time stay cause I love this man more than life itself I showed him an article earlier and like always he denied he has a problem and bring up my past 1 infidelity that I admitted to owned and dearly paid for I know he's cheating but we don't have intercourse sense I found out for myself he was and is cheating anyway he has to first admit he has a problem before he can get help but I have to help myself right now cause sense we have been together which is 16 years thanksgiving day this year I caught hepatitis c from him never had a disease in my 52 years of living I now have anxiety and depression very bad and high blood pressure I've had and still do sense birth a head tumor hemangioma I found out about 5 months ago it's going into my brain behind my left eye so I have to get help for myself and enjoy life again and maybe if Will help me to leave. Sincerely yours. Terrie.
    PS I have been abused my all the men I've been with sense the age of 17 and molested when I was a young girl in grade school

  • Comment Link Jana king Friday, 29 January 2016 23:36 posted by Jana king

    your article has touched my heart and brought me to tears. until today, I thought I was the only woman in the world married to a narcissist we've recently (NOT) celebrated 21 years of marriage again, as I'm sure you know what I mean. This is my first marriage and I've never been so confused in my entire life I'm a Christian as well and fear that if I leave my marriage I would be dishonoring my promise to God however deep down in my heart I want out, and to be free I would love to join the group but I'm paralyzed with fear of him finding out I just don't know what to do BUT I do know I want out of this marriage

  • Comment Link Louise Wednesday, 27 January 2016 00:06 posted by Louise

    Thank you for writting this husband left me just before Christmas for the secound time in 4 years after 15 yers of marrige. He has betrayed me with pornogrphy and infidelity and I am still left feeling I am too blame. I am also a practicing Christian as is he but over tht last 4 years since the infidelity he has not really been to involved and I have seen an extreemly self absorbed and selfcentered man emerge. He appers on the surface to be a great dad to our three children 10, 9 & 7 but i come under constant criticism for everything. He acts like he is special above others, has no compasion or empathy towards me or others, my family tolerate him but think he is prideful and arrogant. I feel torn from letting hime go and moving on or loosing myself forever to please him and keep our family together. I am 41 years old and don't want to get to old to meet someone else and enjoy true happiness. I am so glad for the may of you who have left your comments as I feel I am not alone. Whether or not you have God in your life I wish you all the happiness I know you deserve being married to a Narcissist for any length of time is not easy. God bless you all. I am happier now he has left but he still has control over me.

  • Comment Link Kelly Haynes Tuesday, 26 January 2016 20:39 posted by Kelly Haynes

    Hi I was reading your article and it was very inciteful. I was also married for 13 years to a narcissist. It was painful. At the 2nd time for marriage counseling the therapist actually thought he was physically abusing me through the questionaire that they gave. I ended up going to therapy for myself. This was the best thing for myself and I suggest this to anyone that is currently married or getting divorced from a narcissist. It will make you stronger and happier.

  • Comment Link BarelyMary Monday, 25 January 2016 04:15 posted by BarelyMary

    I think this is the most valueable article I've read thus far. I've found a few that say a few things to help, but Everything here hit the nail on the head.

    Thank you sooo very much for reminding me I am not alone and don't have to do this alone.

    It is my intention to stay until our youngest is about out of high school. Got four more years. I think I can do it. After all I've survived 22 years (barely) but I'm still kicking. This may sound strange but that nervous breakdown was a good thing. I finally had to work on myself because I had become suicidal. It took 6 years of working on myself, but
    I'm out of the hole and still married to that schmuck, Yah me.

  • Comment Link dontpitythenarc Wednesday, 20 January 2016 12:14 posted by dontpitythenarc

    that is an inspiration.
    thanks for taking the time to share your story and advice.

  • Comment Link Anonymous Monday, 11 January 2016 13:50 posted by Anonymous

    I just found out a few days ago that I'm married to a narcissist... We just got married 5 months ago... I was with him for 3 years and we have a baby together... I don't know how I didn't recognize the signs before... He always blamed everything on me. He would destroy the house when he was mad. Every time I tried to leave he would find me and manipulate me into thinking he would change which eventually ended up being my fault too... He told me a few days ago that he doesn't know what love feels like... And that he constantly thinks about sleeping with other women... He says he never has but he doesn't know how long he can control it... We weren't fighting when he told me this but it killed me... He told me that he thinks i will make him feel love one day but he might cheat on me in the process... And on top of all this hes a narcissist... I realized that when I looked up the signs... Nothing I say or feel matters to him... I want to help him but I'm just hurt and confused i can't even look at him anymore... On top of all this I'm a stay at home mom. I can't get my drivers license. I've failed twice I tried to practice here recently but I wrecked into a building... I moved 1000 miles away from my family so he could live by his so I have no one to go to. I'm looking for advice of any kind or maybe someone to just listen... I have no body....

  • Comment Link Marlena Saturday, 02 January 2016 18:36 posted by Marlena

    Narcissists will use anything against you, including your beleifs and community pressure. One important thing to remember is that there are many biblically sound reasons to divorce, not just infidelity. Abuse is a violation of marriage vows, any type of abuse, whether it's verbal, emotional, physical, financial or sexual, abuse is abuse. It's also not uncommon for abusers to use the concept of submission to validate their abuse, but that's not what submission is about, it's a twisting of scriptures to their advantage. No one deserves abuse.

  • Comment Link kri Thursday, 31 December 2015 07:26 posted by kri

    I've just recently realized this is my life as well. Not totally his fault. He came from a fracture home with a lot of drama. His mom is a full blown narcissist; absolutely everything becomes about her. My strategy right now to fight this out is with avoidance. I refuse to give any more energy to this man when he decides to go on his rants about what I did wrong,etc. However now he says I've checked out and don't love him anymore. The truth is I do love him, but it's hard for me to fully love him to his personality. He had been and still is a great father, but like I can't help but wonder if he is putting on airs at times. His anger at everything seems so irrational and everyone around him, including me, is at fault. I finally realized I was not the issue all this time but my reactions to his fits just made the issues worse. So I will no longer feed into it.

  • Comment Link natalia Friday, 25 December 2015 04:11 posted by natalia

    hi read some of the heartbreaking comments and like most of the women on this forum I to am in an abusive narcissistic marriage.

  • Comment Link ballroom Tuesday, 15 December 2015 17:13 posted by ballroom

    i have been very unhappily married for 35 years. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I wished I had paid attention to the red flags that began with our engagement. Its devastating to be unwanted by your husband physically when you are in your 20's. My husband is not a full blown narcissist, but has half of the traits and I am miserable. Why did it take me so long to figure this out? I am close to 60 years old and am angry, bitter, and sad that I have given this "godly man" the best years of my life.

  • Comment Link Barbara428 Saturday, 12 December 2015 04:46 posted by Barbara428

    I too am a born again Christian and when I met my husband 10 years ago, I thought he was too. He was tall, handsome, charming, and said all the right things before we got married. It has been hell on earth ever since.
    Immediately I found myself crying before I fell asleep every single night. It has always been a daily battle. It was only about 2 months ago after pleading with Jesus to help me because I can't take this anymore that I came across books on narcissism. There he was!! More crying.
    I want so desperately to be out of this marriage, but I don't want God to be disappointed with me. And financially, I have a small business that I started 2 years ago, but it still isn't enough to support myself. I also know that leaving him will bring out a beast in him that I don't want to have to deal with. You all know it will get ugly!
    Please give me some encouraging words to be able to do what I need to do.

  • Comment Link Gardi Friday, 11 December 2015 02:41 posted by Gardi

    I am going to file a restraining order on my husband tomorrow, unfortunately I had the opportunity to do this in April 2015 because he was sending rude and demanding text messages when I was consulting and attny. I didn't follow thru with it, dropped the restraining order at the hearing because he said he wanted to "work on our marriage" I had wanted to see a marriage counselor. Obviously it has all blown up in my face because now he knows I keep the text and voice mails and he is very careful what he says. I'm scared to death, not that he will physically hurt me but that he will drag me thru the shit that was becoming my life. Thank you for making this article and others available for a person like me who didn't realize that I am not the only one. I embrace the opportunity to learn and share with others going thru this same kind of mess. Thank you and Blessings

  • Comment Link Child Of God Tuesday, 24 November 2015 03:42 posted by Child Of God

    I am in this situation. I feel very invisible and unloved by my husband. I was recently sick with food poising and became very weak. I continued to ask my husband to please go to a store to get me a sports drink because I felt extremely thirsty and dehydrated from the symptoms of food poisoning. He refused. He watched me struggle with our 3 children which are 8,4, and 2 as I got them ready for school and daycare each morning and even as I got them ready for bed at night. He offered no help. Instead he criticized me for being sick and said that he never should have married me. I notice myself getting weaker and weaker even before the food posing, which I am still suffering with. Every day is the same. I take care of the children and he occasionally bathes or fixes dinner for them so I guess he can say he does for them. I have dealt with this person and his ways since I was 15 years old. I am now 30 and am saved by Christ Jesus. He refuses to go to church, read the Bible, or even pray with me. Not to mention we have sex on his terms, when he wants to. If I want to have sex with him I have to beg. My tears and emotions do not move him at all. He often says that I am crazy and people like me because they don't know the real me and how "evil" I am. I know that he is speaking about himself. I have been covering for him for years and I am extremely exhausted with the blaming, arguing, name calling, and the fact that I have no life outside of work and school. Even last week when I had to go to the E.R. with food poisoning. I began to feel faint and short of breath. I told him help me I can't breath. He just laid in the bed on his lap top and said " you are breathing". He did not care or offer to help me. He showed me no concern what so ever. I felt like I was dying. He just laid there.

  • Comment Link marty Monday, 16 November 2015 20:27 posted by marty

    You will be invisible and dumped over and over again. Not fun and not very respectful to yourself. Christians can be just as sick and sadistic. Abuse is abuse and that's it. I should know, I'm a born again Christian.

  • Comment Link Claire Friday, 13 November 2015 00:03 posted by Claire

    What you've written totally describes marriage to a true narcissist. Not traits, but full-blown. You summed it up in the sentence "You are signing up for a relationship where you will be invisible".

    I am a born again Christian woman. I met my narc husband online (before I was saved)- he covered it well. I married him and, before he joined me in the UK (he was American) I became a Christian. I had no idea what was truly ahead of me and I fought to keep the marriage, as a Christian woman. He was everything you described and I was slowly losing who I was because he was so overbearing and difficult. I'm not a weak character at all but he was an extremely unwell man mentally and, after much prayer, soul-searching, advice and trying pretty much all you suggested above, I had to get out. Being with him was killing me. I was losing my identity.

    I believe I was delivered from this man by, yes, divorcing him. There is much controversy about divorce but in certain abusive cases (as is being with someone who cares nothing for your welfare, feelings or identity and is your SPOUSE??!!) I think those situations/choices/decisions are between you and God and others cannot possibly know the disturbing reality of living with a narcissist spouse unless they've liver it.

    In my case, God knew everything that was happening and I cried to Him how sorry I was, but that I could not carry on in the marriage. To remain, meant giving up who I was. And it was killing me. My husband was also chasing other women and was obsessed with porn. To stay in this sick existence required me to have no preferences, needs or personality - it would have to be all about my husband. Not even God first, but him!! No no no. I got out. I divorced him. And he is still the same guy, doing the same stuff, 4 years later, no change.

    I did the right thing. And I thank you for your clear description of the reality of being tied to a narcissist. I'm glad you are free. God bless you x

  • Comment Link Tr2Friend Wednesday, 04 November 2015 21:55 posted by Tr2Friend

    I am finally discovering that I am married to a narcissistic man. I continuously tell him that he is mean, evil and cold hearted. He has not feelings, none what so ever. I have never met a person like him before. It seems like the day after we got married the romance stopped all at once. Absolutely no romance. I have told my husband time and time again that I'm lonely. That I need romance in our relationship, but it changes nothing. My husband and I never touch eachother in the bed. Not even our feet. Anytime we have a conversation about our marriage and our lives it errupts into a Big blow up.
    One thing that I realized just today after four years and eight months of being married to him is that the same instructions that I give to my ten year old grandson, I have to use them on my 49 year old husband. I am at my wit inns this guy.

  • Comment Link Jenni Monday, 19 October 2015 01:46 posted by Jenni

    My husband is a narcissist. All of the signs. I am at the end if my rope. Help. I need my life back!

  • Comment Link MJ Sunday, 06 September 2015 15:14 posted by MJ

    In trying to stay with my wife I have been sticking to the following rules:

    -Stay within your limits (no matter how much you are being pressured to leave your comfort zone)

    -No fighting ever (in my experience, winning a fight with a narcissist is very rare)

    -Accept that you are not in a true partnership and do not talk about the relationship or your feeling (remove conversations that might trigger further insecurity)

    -Remind yourself that feeling are just as important as facts. If you do not want to do something know that this is enough. You do not have to back up your decisions with facts (embrace the legitimacy of your feelings).

  • Comment Link Herograce Saturday, 05 September 2015 00:14 posted by Herograce

    Omg! This is my life

  • Comment Link IamBella Wednesday, 26 August 2015 18:16 posted by IamBella

    I started dating my BF 5 years ago (on for 3 off and on for 2, now back together) and I can remember the first time I ever told him he was a Narcissit, within the first few months of our relationship. I said it and at the time I thought I knew that it was just a term used for people who were all about themselves, but after reading this article and many others, I have learned that although I am right, I have also learned that being a Narcisist is SO, SO much more than simply put...being about oneself. Although I'm relieved to know that I am not crazy, I am still in a black hole because I have grown to love this man more than I have ever loved another man. When you feel that way about someone, it feels like agony living without them. I am 40 years old, so I know about love. He is the love of my life. I know that I love him, but I have learned that the love I need from him will never be possible; and if I chose to stay with him, I will always feel the way I am feeling today miserable, dazed, confused, lost, broke and evern s. I have dealt with the blaming me for what he did wrong, he gets mad at me over very, very petty things and wont talk to me for days (we live together) and even if I greet him when he comes home, he will not respond. He ignores my calls and text messages. If he calls me and I dont pick up (because Im busy) I could call him back in minutes and he wont answer. He never, ever consoles me when I cry. He never shows me compassion or empathy. When I tell him he has hurt me by something he did or said, he never apologizes and acts as if its nothing. I could go on and on, but reflecting is actually making me tear up because I know the only choice I have is to leave and I know what living without him is like. Wow. I walked away so many times before, only to let him back in and now I almost would rather not live than to live with the agony or the anger I feel because my heart holds on. Thank you for this article.

  • Comment Link ley Sunday, 09 August 2015 18:03 posted by ley

    Only a dysfunctional person would want to remain married to a narcissist. ALL narcissists are abusive either psychologically or physically or both, not to mention ALL narcissists are selfish. Who in their right mind would choose to and remain with a partner like that? Only a person who is unhealthy themselves. Because a healthy person would run away screaming from a person, a narcissist, so messed up, while a unhealthy person runs toward someone like that. That is the truth.

  • Comment Link beth Saturday, 08 August 2015 21:07 posted by beth

    I just realized today, I am married and have been with a narcissist for 20 years, I thought I was the problem. Till I discovered all this info today! I feel relieved yet not hopeful, I have been crying due to all the rejection I feel from him, he is his priority. I'm on the cusp of staying married the only way is to completely not look for love from him, goes against all that I am. The word of God tells husbands to love their wives, I am alone in my marriage and the parenting of our children while he pursues his own self interests. This is heart breaking to me. I can stay but will I ever receive the love I desire

  • Comment Link Cherice Wednesday, 05 August 2015 16:20 posted by Cherice

    This was a great read and very helpful. Thank you.

  • Comment Link Ronda Eby Friday, 24 July 2015 23:18 posted by Ronda Eby

    I'm reading this as I have a friend that lives 5 hrs. from where I live who has very recently told me(via fb)she's stuck in a marriage with a narcissistic husband. He's very verbally abusive to her and threatens he would make her and her daughter's lives miserable if she left him. To her it IS dangerous to actually leave him. He hasn't gotten physical with her(yet) but the verbal abuse is profound! She can't move out of the area as she has 2 kids from previous marriage(also abusive). She can't live more than 50 miles from those children.
    What I'm wondering,is you don't seem to mention the dangerous part of living with a narcissistic spouse.
    Maybe I missed it?

  • Comment Link Ronda Eby Friday, 24 July 2015 23:12 posted by Ronda Eby

    I'm reading this as I have a friend that lives 5 hrs. from where I live who has very recently told me(via fb)she's stuck in a marriage with a narcissistic husband. He's very verbally abusive to her and threatens he would make her and her daughter's lives miserable if she left him. To her it IS dangerous to actually leave him. He hasn't gotten physical with her(yet) but the verbal abuse is profound! She can't move out of the area as she has 2 kids from previous marriage(also abusive). She can't live more than 50 miles from those children.
    What I'm wondering,is you don't seem to mention the dangerous part of living with a narcissistic spouse.
    Maybe I missed it?

  • Comment Link Erica Friday, 24 July 2015 19:58 posted by Erica

    I am feeling so overwhelmed and tired! I am codependent. I am caretaker. I am a people pleaser. Things come out sideways. In order to keep peace and since he doesn't really listen to me and gets mad. I stuff a lot. My husband thinks he is above me. He has a lot of disdain, disreguard, and disrespect for me. I have changed a lot and came in to my own a lot which he doesn't like. I would appreciate phone calls please! My name is Erica.

  • Comment Link laurie Sunday, 12 July 2015 23:10 posted by laurie

    Oh my word, I am in tears,. This is me, my life. Everyone loves my husband. The believe his lies. I look like the bad one, or the crazy one because I don't like how he is. A self minded liar. I was married to a drug addict until he died. I was free. Why did I fall for this narcissistic person? I was conned. I let my boundaries down. I want so much to do what God wants me to do. I need someone to talk to. I just don't know what to do. I am and angry and frustrated by his behavior. He does not handle it well when I want to spend time with my kids. He is mean to my youngest and to my grand kids. Why was I so stupid? God help me.

  • Comment Link Kat Sunday, 10 May 2015 06:58 posted by Kat

    Omg I after 8 years have just discovered I married a NARCISSISTIC man. I'm devastated. How did I attract such a person of this nature?

    Thank you for sharing this insightful blogging information.

    Everything makes perfect sense and is 100% accurate.

  • Comment Link Dan Wednesday, 29 April 2015 23:09 posted by Dan

    I'm a male married to a female narcissist. This situation is not very common; it’s usually the other way around. I have two kids and am struggling to stay in the relationship, and avoid divorce for the sake of my children. I had no clue as to what a narcissist was until heard a doctor speak about it on a radio talk show a few days ago. Over the years I have suffered so much, and did not push back to avoid divorce. But know that I am aware of wife’s narcissistic behavior; I am seeking ways’ to deal with it until my kids are old enough to handle their parents getting a divorce. So, until then I am trying to find ways to survive, any ideas?

    Unhappy Ever After.

  • Comment Link lisawisdom Thursday, 26 March 2015 10:03 posted by lisawisdom

    Its amazing anyone married or not, would want to remain in a abusive relationship....why?
    I had a friend that's has narcissistic order. I couldn't handle his behavior, put downs, manipulations, and constant lying and I was just a friend. I would hang up on him instantly and go missing on him, for my peace of mind. It's not fair to your health or well-being or anyone else's. I don't care who I'm married too, if he's abusive it won't work, can't work! How can a women even have sex with a person when all he does is put you down, even after- the- fact of charming you right out of those panties, and ladies charm isn't character. It's almost evil the things they do or can say. I did share with him he has a problem before I cut him off. It's was to stressful and I refuse to be lay out in a grave because I refused to love myself, just by love him more. If I had children by this guy, I would have pack my bags so fast, not because I'm judging him or being inconsiderate, but my children well-being will mean more then me trying to nurse "HIM" to good health. What good is all the help in the world, when it's stressing you out, will only lead you to a early grave faster, without being there to explain to your children why "HIS" life was more important than "THEIRS". Something's is not meant for you to handle. That's what doctors are for and anyone that say hang in there, is truly not thinking on your behalf. Mothers with children.... its not about "YOU" are "HIM" anymore. Pack your bags and exit the scene before it cost you more then just foil words, amongst other disrespectful actions. Be strong but move on quickly. (Group hug Ladies) I pray the women who's hanging in there, doesn't have daughters. Much less son to witness this illness in full route as you sit counsel in blindness to stand by your man. Who will stand by your children if your gone? Being a women is knowing when it's best to walk away, no matter what's the reason behide it is. Life will never be perfect and even God knows that human make silly choices at times. LET GO, your not his/her Mother!!!! Call his mother let her know her son/daughter needs help and your able to be OUT!.....and be OUT!.....then go get your health checked out, along with space to sit in peace with your family.

  • Comment Link Ruth Monday, 16 March 2015 02:51 posted by Ruth

    My husband and I have been married 38 years and from my research, he appears to be a covert narcissist. Things will be going as smoothly as possible and if I disagree with him he starts his two to three week self-imposed separation from me. He lives and works in a different city and will have zero contact with me as punishment.

    I don't think that I have the energy to divorce him but would like to be able to accept his behavior and learn to survive.

    Any suggestions? I have benefited from counselors in the past but feel their impatience with my not leaving him.

  • Comment Link Survivor Tuesday, 10 March 2015 00:03 posted by Survivor

    I read this article and it brought me nearly to tears. I life with this situation every day and that I am surviving is a miracle. To know someone knows exactly what it's like is so comforting.

    I am going to do everything you suggest if for nothing else I can somehow find myself again. No more doubt or low self esteem...I take full care of the kids and they adore me (they cannot relate to him). I cook, clean, do homework, take the kids to 8 different activities during the week. I work full time and bring home equal pay as him - all this with nothing but criticism. I will not marginalize myself for someone who is so self aware....

    Articles like this pick me up and of course you are right the few friends who listen and help me make such a difference.

    Thank you!!

  • Comment Link Mrs. Franks Thursday, 26 February 2015 19:27 posted by Mrs. Franks

    I am a 38 year old woman who got married 3 months ago to a man who I am now thinking is a narcissist. He hasn't been diagnosed but has all of the characteristics of one, with the exception of the bad habits, i.e. - gambling, drinking, etc. We're doing great as long as I don't tell him something that is bothering me that he has done or said. When that happens he instantly gets defensive and snaps. I mean yelling, name calling, and saying lots of things out of anger that he later regrets, or so he says. He gets angry when he tries to make a point and it backfires. Until now, I've always thought that he had a bad memory, but now I know that he just makes things up in his head and believes them. I always thought it was just very strange. He has blamed me for his outrage, saying that he's never been like this with anyone else. And thinking back to conversations I've had with him about his first marriage and previous relationships, he has blamed them for all of them ending, never taking responsibility for his part in any of it.
    I have 2 daughters, 13 and 5, and although it doesn't happen often, maybe 1 per month, when it does happen its really bad and they can hear him yelling at me, its out of control. Getting him to apologize for how he acts is like pulling teeth. And when he does apologize, its never genuine, more like he's just doing it to shut me up. He never thinks he wrong for how he acts or what he says, but is always saying that I hurt him, but can never tell me how. We've just started seeing a marriage counselor, but after reading all of these articles, I'm not feeling confident that its going to work. I mean I don't want to get divorced, but I need some sign that there is hope. I am a self-confident woman, which is why we argue sometimes, because I won't allow him to talk to me any kind of way, especially in front of my daughters. I usually walk away when I feel it escalating. He usually follows me, but I've found ways for him to stop doing that.
    Trying to figure things out right now. Hoping that maybe counseling can help. I know its going to be a long hard road, but tell me people. Is there hope out there???

  • Comment Link Shar D. Tuesday, 17 February 2015 11:27 posted by Shar D.

    Humm, sad. Maybe the reason this article doesn't seem very helpful is because there is NO ONE WAY. You either feel condemned by Christians or condemned by Pro Divorce or very bitter people understandably). Truth is we who are married to a narcissistic person are not fighting a simple spirit like: a silly person, a tacky person, or even a cheater who is quick to confess their sin. No we are fighting against one of the most evil spirits. Ever heard of "legion" in the bible. Meaning "many spirits". A narcissistic person deals with the minimum of these spirits (selfishness, controlling, deceitful, split personalities, low temperament and tolerance, often addicts of drugs, gambling or other habits). almost describes the devil. To seek (all people), to kill( their spirits), to destroy ( families).
    I don't sit on either side to judge or tell another what to do. I only stand in truth in/of experience. The only thing I can do is Pray for us all.
    Scott Peterson was the worst form of a narcissistic type person. None of us really know or understand which one's can be saved. Only if a former narcissistic person shares can we only began to understand from the eyes of the same. Most partners have a hard time because unfortunately we were unequally yoked and its not our spirit, how we were raised.
    So only Prayers sides.
    However, I know for a fact if I didn't continue to work on my dreams, go to church with the kids, laugh, not isolate husband would have mentally destroyed me. Thank God I've always been strong in loving him more than my husband.
    They want to be god don't make them your God. Because then you have sinned and now two ate sick

  • Comment Link Witheld  Sunday, 08 February 2015 23:21 posted by Witheld

    It's not just men that act this way. I hope that this point does not go unnoticed. Although in most cases no one calls out the female narcissistic person. It is a hard marriage on whoever is in this situation.

  • Comment Link Lee-Ann Monday, 02 February 2015 20:23 posted by Lee-Ann

    God does hate/detest divorce. And No there isn't an easy way out. At bible college we were taught to 1) pray unceasingly 2) to love as Jesus did 3) to ask God for our hearts desires 4) keep the marriage vows then 5) have faith that God can do move over above our wildest dreams. And He will. There is hope. I live with an abusive narc and I just found it out (Thanks Jesus) now I know what to pray for. And remember #1 keep praying it anti gonna be easy. Oh and 6)this is all a test, how will u do? Run to God or run away? His will be done, alot of us pray it each day, so let us live it! He is in charge. I pray Jesus post his blessed angels Around all of u that have been so Awfully abused, may u find comfort in the arms of our Creator.

  • Comment Link lynette Wednesday, 28 January 2015 16:20 posted by lynette

    if husband makes you feel like being no good. always knows best and loves to argue even with strangers because he knows best, but freely compliments me about my looks, does that make him narcissistic? He made me totally reliant on him - didn't have to drive myself for example.... always took me wherever I wanted to be.... For years, almost my whole marriage, I have been the sole provider - always fell from one job to another, one scheme to another. I'm getting older and have to now work even harder to support both of us,,, and I cannot anymore....

  • Comment Link CASSIE Wednesday, 28 January 2015 03:07 posted by CASSIE

    I am having a hard time accepting that any of this is helpful! I am an outgoing introvert married to a severe narcissist! nothing he does is wrong, everything is my fault even if i am not even involved! I don't see how any of this helps. especially since he is also controlling and bipolar. People tell me to divorce him and leave him but i don't have family or anywhere to go. been together 4 years married for 3. wishing this article were a bit more helpful. we don't have kids because he doesn't want any. found that out after we were married. he says i would love them more than him. typical narcissist. anyone else find any other helpful tips of how to be with someone like this?

  • Comment Link Adri-L Friday, 23 January 2015 21:13 posted by Adri-L

    Can anyone say that after laying down these boundaries they did see God really change the spouse? I need some glimmer of hope right now...

  • Comment Link Beth Fannon Friday, 16 January 2015 16:17 posted by Beth Fannon

    I read the article and found I m not alone. For 4 years now I have been beaten down physically and verbally. When I tried to take a stand and not run around doing his bidding I'm told that I'm being difficult or that I'm pouting or that I have an attitude. I know that's his way of keeping me in line. I feel extremely lonely. Sometimes at night he hardly says anything to me. Unless he needs something or wants something. I realize that I've given up all the things that I used to enjoy doing just to keep up with what he wants me to do. I told him last night that I want to be treated the way he is. I want to know what it feels like to have every whim taken care of. I was told I was being selfish. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I don't like giving up but this is the hardest thing that I've ever gone through.

  • Comment Link Doreen Wednesday, 07 January 2015 21:21 posted by Doreen

    Brilliant read, sounds just like my husband. Could write a best seller about the crap he's put me through, the little insecure, dependant girl he married now wants a to divorce, but he keeps begging me to stay. His words to me were " I won't see my children or grandchildren"! surprise, surprise!! & Whose fault's that, of course it's mine! They blame everyone else except themselves! The children have witnessed his behaviour & want me to leave him . Over the years, I have slowly made myself independent & he hates that, as he doesn't have the same control over me. His time is running out.

  • Comment Link Dana Moyer Friday, 26 December 2014 23:45 posted by Dana Moyer

    I found the above information insightful. However, I did not appreciate that all the information referred to "HE". In my case and I'm sure a lot of cases as well women are the narcissist ones in the marriage.

  • Comment Link Melissa Sunday, 07 December 2014 07:04 posted by Melissa

    I could have been writing this article about my husband. How can I join? I don't feel so alone when I read that other people are married to this man as well. Anxious to join.

  • Comment Link CV Tuesday, 21 October 2014 04:50 posted by CV

    A narcissist will stop at nothing and they only get worse as they get older when they start having health problems and their brains deteriorate further. I strongly believe that my narcissistic husband is brain damaged. You can't fix that and I look at him as a mentally challenged case ( it makes it easier to deal with) He is brain damaged and I take nothing that he says serious. I completely ignore him and do what I do the way I do it and that's it. Since I adapted the "Who cares what he thinks and wants" attitude and do my own thing I feel so much better.
    I ran for the hills after 21 years and just left it all behind. Sometimes you just have to give them what they want ;-)

  • Comment Link Danica Gale Saturday, 04 October 2014 23:11 posted by Danica Gale

    Great article! Thanks! I disagree that this article is telling people in general to divorce. I had the same thoughts at first when contemplating divorce. However, when I realized that narcissists won't change, and that they are the ones breaking the sanctity of marriage by disrespecting their spouses, I realized that God does NOT want us to be treated this way. Also, when mine and our daughter's life was put in danger due to his anger, I knew without a doubt that this is NOT in God's plan for me and our daughter. I wish you the best in your challenges. I hope you can find help with your wife. It is hard! maybe you are not yet at the point where you feel like leaving is the right thing to do, and I hope you never get there. :) Best wishes. There is a couple that believes that narcissists can be helped. I wish I could think of their names. They are from Australia, I believe.

  • Comment Link Ivan Monday, 29 September 2014 16:28 posted by Ivan

    It really seems this article is for the proponency of divorce. I would fully expect that from a christian writer, because, you know, they can be forgiven from anything by their god. But what of us that came here looking for real answers as to how to live with your narcissistic wife, because they truly desire and love her and divorce is wrong, even for Christians. Where do I go to get help with NOT giving up? Every divorced Christian I talk to says it was the best thing that could have happened, then they try to get me to divorce, even though each time I read their fictional guidance, it plainly states "God hates divorce." In other languages, it uses much stronger words than hates.

    I am so disappointed in this article, where do I get real help?

  • Comment Link Misty Bloom Sunday, 21 September 2014 02:05 posted by Misty Bloom

    This blog has been SO VALIDATING. We suffer in silence, stay because we don't want to see our little ones' hearts broken, even though we all endure the wrath of the bully. As someone who lives with a man who wounds everyone who loves him, and emotionally annihilates anyone who would confront him about it, your article/blog entry makes me feel as though I'm not alone. Thank you for taking the time to write this! Thank you for your compassion and understanding for those who suffer with emotional abusers like this!

  • Comment Link forever searching for truth Friday, 22 August 2014 12:11 posted by forever searching for truth

    Has anyone read 1 Corinthians 6 verse 16-20.(the message version is really simplified).

    When a person sees sex as just skin on skin, they disconnect themselves from God and everyone. This is the birth of a narcissistic person I believe.

    As woman we need to value ourselves.

    hope this makes sense...

  • Comment Link Jamie Wilson Friday, 25 July 2014 03:58 posted by Jamie Wilson

    I have been with my husband for seven years. We have been married for five of those years. Just before the wedding, I found out I was pregnant. I miscarried two weeks later. I had to have surgery to have one of my ovaries removed because it was an eptopic pregnancy. The day I came home from the hospital he called my doctor and told him that my pain meds were not strong enough. When the doctor called in a new prescription he picked up the pills and told me I could have half of them if I made him dinner. He had already taken my other medication. Like an idiot, I was in so much pain I got up and made him dinner. No one knows anything about anything except him. He is an expert in all things known to man. he is controlling, manipulative, intrusive, arrogant, self involved, and abusive, but most of all he is SELFISH and he will tell you that he deserves the best because he provides for my son and I. If we go to dinner, my son and I are allowed to order a ten dollar meal each and he orders forty dollars worth of food for himself. He has forced me to alienate my entire family and all of my friends. He has also put me in the position of being completely dependent on him financially. I have been studying psychology for the last two years and narcissism is the only thing that fits his personality and behavior. It fits like a glove. The crazy thing is that I still love this man who never touches me unless he wants sex and constantly reminds me of what a failure I am and how I would never make it without him. I really don't want to lose everything I have in a divorce (and I would) and I also have no other place to go. I am trying to be stronger and not comply with his every demand, but it is hard because he likes to punish those who don't do his bidding. I hope I have the strength to turn this around and make it better and I hope all of you do as well.

  • Comment Link lamkins514 Wednesday, 23 July 2014 01:57 posted by lamkins514

    Amazing!!! You described my husband to "T".. been married for almost 25 yrs.. poor poor me.. before marriage, he was a prince.. loving, amazing to me.. just after we married - within a day or two, he changed into 'another person' completely. He has done everything & said everything to tear me down, call me stupid, ugly, ridiculous. you name it...alone or in front of 'friends' or even strangers. He has no empathy whatsoever... I have seriously wondered if he has a soul. . he has no compassion whatsoever.. you walk on 'eggshells' all the time. life w/ him is a rollercoaster.. one second, things are good & in a split second later, you're ready to walk into the river or stick your head in an oven..He does what he wants.. he makes all the 'rules' . .makes all the 'plans' because "he makes more money than I do.. and 'when (I) make as much as him, then I have a 'say-so'.. totally amazing.. He has made me go from a self-confident woman to a person I second-guess all the time. I feel like he's driving me nuts! I lack funds to divorce him and I'm 57 yrs old now - how can I start from scratch as I know he'd take everything or trash it all just so I would be really worse off 'without him'.. Just amazing.. never met anyone EVER like him.. never dated anyone like him.. no one has ever hurt me as much as him.. and on the same token, he can be so much fun (at times).. just when he WANTS to be.. he runs the show.. his family is equally as NUTSO.. LOL God bless me.. LOL

  • Comment Link Deb Tuesday, 15 July 2014 12:18 posted by Deb

    Hi! I recently googled selfish spouse but it wasn't a fit until I came upon a narcissist website and I immediately could relate. I have been married for 15 years with a 7 yr old. I will never forget the night I found out I was pregnant when I told him he responded "so is this your way of keeping me around?" Wow! It never got better and now I am not even attracted to him. After giving birth all he talked about was his job and how he got me into a private room. When the hospital offered me a candlelit dinner for us he remarked" no offense but I don't like hospital food" so my newborn son and I had dinner together.
    Now 7 years later I go to all of my sons events by myself sometimes even family events. He constantly says how I am at fault, how he cleans so much better, how he is a great guitar player who is going to win a grammy. Mind you it has been 25 years and nothing has come of this. He blames me when I confront him about never doing anything with his music and says it was my fault and I should be behind him. He grooms himself constantly.
    I have not been interested in sex because it is always what he wants. He remarks at how inadequate I am at performing certain sexual acts then complains that he does not get enough sex. He said "No one as good looking as me walks around this sexually frustrated!"
    I pay for everything...all of the bills...He hates that he is dependent on me and lets me know it everyday. He is never appreciative of all the help I have given him. He just comments that one day he is going to make millions on his music.
    I can't take it...I am lonely, defeated, unappreciated, ridiculed and fet up. I believe I married a you think so!? I need help!

  • Comment Link P Sunday, 27 April 2014 08:14 posted by P

    My problem is I left my jib to care for the kids, whenever he verbally attacks and humiliates me I don't scream back which infuriates him so he reduces the amount of money I have and my life is pure hell. I have to cancel meeting up with friends etc, go around in raggedy clothes etc, I'm sure most people where we live think I'm the freak in the family but it's hard to be open and friendly when you have to worry about money constantly on top of being afraid of how angry he'll be when he gets in, on top of being exhausted doing absolutely everything for the kids.
    I am not in good health so sometimes his withdrawal of help can mean I am tearful with exhaustion at the end of the day

  • Comment Link Aly Wednesday, 23 April 2014 09:32 posted by Aly

    It is all very well to say 'have and enforce boundaries'. The trouble with narcissists is they don't respect them anyway. Having boundaries is not enough. They must be enforced and that might mean you have to leave. You cannot have a relationship with an abusive man end of story.

  • Comment Link SharP Sunday, 23 March 2014 14:34 posted by SharP

    Filing for a divorce with a biblical foundation can be difficult. Everyone has a different opinion on what that is. So many Christian women stay. I was married to an narcissist who could read Hebrew and Greek. I divorced him when he declared he didn't believe in God any more. Without Gid there was no way we had a future. It was his belief in God that kept his illness in check and gave him some boundaries or the desire to try from within him. Sure enough soon after I get the credit card company asking if the card was being correctly used at an escort service.... I just got the easiest answer to that biblical reason. Of course I too enabled him so well that others were confused by the divorce. I was a divorce snob too once upon time.