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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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True or False? Since narcissists are so concerned about what people think and keeping up appearances they will be careful about making their child support payments.

If you have divorced a narcissist and you have children you know that the answer to that is, more than likely, false. He has better things to do with his money than give it to you, even if it is court ordered. Quite frankly, your ex-husband doesn’t spend much time at all worrying that the kids might not be able to continue on in karate or go to camp. He doesn’t really care if hot dogs are now considered gourmet fare at your house. Truthfully, he isn’t sitting around thinking about how to make your life more difficult – it really doesn’t occur to him that you exist. Well, at least not until you create problems by saying something.

You Have More Money than Me

This is my ex-husband’s argument and technically it’s true. If you compare his income to my income then I really am, most months, making more than him. Of course, he had a part time job while he was working and I worked 12 or more hours a day and didn’t take weekends off. I am pretty sure that my exhaustive schedule had something to do with the income ratio.

It doesn’t matter to your narcissistic ex-husband that you are working two jobs, or in my case taking on a ridiculous work load, to put food on the table as long as he isn’t inconvenienced. He may be buying cars, going on regular vacations, and spending serious cash on his hobbies and interests but he can’t afford to keep up with child support. If you say something about it he will get defensive and you will be the evil one yet again. Get used to that job description, you are going to have it as long as you have to deal with him which is probably until your youngest child turns 18. You might as well enjoy it.

But It’s Court Ordered!

Yeah, that and $3,000.00 for a lawyer will get you some back pay, maybe. There is a brilliant article in the Huffington Post about how a narcissist views child support. The author, Christina Pesoli, points out that narcissists do not like to be told what to do. A court telling them that they have to make child support payments is not going to go over well. She theorizes (correctly) that eventually they will pay it because they have to but they will develop the attitude that they are paying it out of the generous nature within themselves, that it is a gift to you, and you should drop to your knees and kiss his feet (or whatever) because of his kindness.

Here is an excerpt from an email my ex sent me a couple of years ago. At the time he owed me $5,000.00 in back child support (the arrears has been as much as $9.500.00) and the Attorney General’s office had liens on every bit of income he got, including tax returns. His tax return had gotten re-routed to me and you can be sure he wasn’t happy about it. I had asked him for financial help with youth camp for three of our kids and his answer was a predictable no. “I sent an extra $1226 + $274 a few months ago in addition to my regular child support…  I spoke with (his new wife) upon receiving your e-mail and she said no, she is trying to pay for our cruise right now."

Yep. He had sent extra money – sort of. Those amounts were his Federal tax refund and his state tax refund. He didn’t send them to me, the state wrested that money out of his tightly clutched fist. I have no words to rationalize going on a cruise when you owe several thousand dollars in back child support – I won’t even try.

He will have to pay court ordered child support eventually. Narcissists don’t do real well in jail and they know it. The thing is that it will cost you time and money to get it unless the court puts a lien on his income and he continues to work.

And that’s another story.

He’s Working Where?

Underemployment. It’s not unusual for a narcissist to try to beat the system by taking lesser employment than he is capable of. It, in a weird sort of way, allows him to remain in control of how much money he is giving you despite what the court may order. He can get around his lack of funds by getting paid under the table or living off his new victim’s income. After all, you know how very sweet and charming he can be as long as he is getting the admiration that he wants.

If you think your ex is taking smaller salary than he is capable of, or that he isn’t truly looking for work, you’ll want to talk to a lawyer who specialized in family law  and see what she thinks. Sometimes the first consultation is free and it’s always good to get another opinion.

Do what you need to do for the well being and happiness of yourself and your children - and let the courts handle the rest. 

Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: dadblunders

How Do You Deal with It?

You know, what he does, or doesn’t do, makes no real difference. The important thing is how you can learn to move forward in an emotionally healthy way while he is doing his narcissistic thing.

I tend to want to protect him, believe it or not. After all of these years and all the talking crap he has done, after all of the things he has lied about, accused me of, and done to hurt the kids I still want to protect him in some weird way.

After all, I did it for almost three decades, right?

I hesitate to go to lawyers because, as much as he thinks he isn’t doing anything wrong, the court is going to see his actions in a much different light than he does. He may not think so, his girlfriend, friends, and family might not think so but the truth boils down to the fact that he has been ordered to pay child support by a court and he is in direct defiance of a court order. They don’t really care that he isn’t working.

While I may feel guilty for a time I do get over it. After all, I work long hours and take care of my children. If I can do it then I don’t see why he can’t.

It’s called entitlement. It’s a very useful word when you are dealing with a narcissist.

It’s important to accept that he isn’t going to change and you probably won’t see any child support without legal intervention. You probably won’t get child support regularly even if the state is involved because he’ll change jobs, do cash consulting, and find other ways of beating the system. Accepting that he isn’t going to do it without being forced is the first step to peace of mind. Forgiveness is for your mental health – not his.

Once you’ve accepted that then the next thing to do is to get the legal system involved. Usually this is through the Child Support division of the Attorney General’s office but they are overwhelmed with cases of deadbeat dads and it can take a lot of time and be very frustrating – especially if he has moved out of state. It’s best to get a private lawyer and handle it that way if at all possible. I can’t stress this enough.

Staying angry and frustrated is easy to do but if you are going to move on you need to be able to let that go and find your own peace. Let the legal system enforce the court orders, don’t argue with him or even discuss it with him.

It’s a waste of energy.

It feels good to know you aren’t the only one dealing with these frustrations. Join First Wives World to vent, get help and share experiences with other women just like you.

Lead Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: DanielMoyle 

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37 comments

  • Comment Link Stm Friday, 20 October 2017 03:45 posted by Stm

    Who's really the narcissist? The person who resents being financially pillaged by someone who claims they don't need them, or the person who believes they're entitled to a substantial portion of someone's earnings without having to impart any effort into their relationship responsibility or relinquish any child custody as a means to achieve a higher monthly allotment. Sounds pretty skewed selfish and narcissistic to me. Only a narcissist believes they deserve something without meeting pre set obligations that formerly allowed them that thing. File for divorce because "you don't want to be "just" a mom", and can't afford to care for children without support, you shouldn't have custody. Period. Child support is immoral and abusive to the easily blackmailed male noncustodial parents. Sure, it's currently socially acceptable and law, but so was denying women voting rights and slavery.

  • Comment Link Natasha Sunday, 25 June 2017 14:10 posted by Natasha

    Wow! This article speaks my truth. Funny thing my ex husband didn't pay support for his first child. His rationale was that he never saw the child which lived in another country. Fast forward 20 years to our son he's not paying support for our son who he sees as he pleases. I knew my ex is selfish but recently I've come to know the word narcissist which describes who he is perfectly. In the end I will make sure my son has all that he needs and let the law deal with my ex.

  • Comment Link Karen Canda Thursday, 25 May 2017 12:59 posted by Karen Canda

    I'm so glad I found this article and it is exactly what I am facing. My ex is an attorney, took a lower paying job as a paralegal, has side jobs teaching at law schools and gets large quarterly bonuses which aren't garnished. He lives in a huge house, drives a Cadillac and has a boat, but of course puts everything in his new wife's name. He owes me over $50,000 in back pay. I was in the final stages of an interview process and just had a grand mal seizure which resulted in a terrible accident. Now I am unable to drive, going to try to get on disability and trying to support my 2 daughters. I am finally in a Domestic Violence support group and getting counseling, so mentally I'm getting on track. Financially my daughters and I are screwed all because he knows how to work the system,

  • Comment Link James Wednesday, 08 March 2017 13:29 posted by James

    This article is very true. Most women are unable to provide for themselves so it seems they have to reach in a mans pocket. And the funny part is... The courts know its true. Thats why they rule the way they do. I hope i never have to deal with a slefish greedy woman that wants to hold my child over my head until i buy her and her new boyfriends gifts and support the lazy s.o.b.s

  • Comment Link Stefan Monday, 23 January 2017 16:17 posted by Stefan

    I believe in paying childsupport

    But I told the judge before trial that we could end all court stuff to day .
    since nobody cared the other 3 parties about the voice of the child report.
    So I proposed that I would walk away and pay no support. As well as not see the kids.
    The other parties loved that idea. And so did the judge.
    Only people to lose we the 2 kids 5 and 10 yrs old.
    I did this to see if the courts in Wetaskiwin. Alberta.
    Really care if a father would walk away and not have to pay child support.
    I still miss my kids but I don't miss the court dates lawyers fees. The lost days off work from court dates.
    But it's a lose lose way for the kids and myself.

    And you can only get kicked so many times before you have to walk so you can stay mentally fit.

  • Comment Link Margie Thursday, 27 October 2016 18:34 posted by Margie

    In response to your comment. I am not a deadbeat mom in fact, I have always made the sacrifices and been the provider for my 3 beautiful girls. Father decides that he would press charges towards me on 4 different occasions, one case even involving charges of domestic violence against my children. After all is said and done he was a better liar than I was a truth teller. Though it all, I have more stability, have always maintained and provided for my kids working as hard and long as I needed to using all resources that surrounded me in order to care for my children while at work. Post Trial, the court awarded him 50%, and ordered me to pay child support because according to their B/S I am more capable of earning a higher income. I am currently not working so they went back 2 years into my employment history when I had a permanent position and used that figure in other to calculate child support. Now the burden is that I must support two household (mines and his) for and individual who is able bodied, reported making less of an income, drives a new car and is capable of making or surpassing my income. By the way, my job was striped from me because of his stocking. Please give me your feed back!

  • Comment Link Sally Price... Iowa Wednesday, 05 October 2016 02:30 posted by Sally Price... Iowa

    Boy did this EVER hit home for me...only mine is over $20,000 in arrears...and he LIVES IN MAUI ON THE BEACH...although I have had the state involved they are doing as little as possible. I've done a much better job at locating him than they have. What will it take to get our child support laws changed for these deadbeats? (and I'm speaking of both...fathers AND mothers) This is ridiculous! Anyone who wants to chat about this please find me on Facebook and pm me...I'm at my wits end

  • Comment Link Survived a narcipath Sunday, 04 September 2016 20:32 posted by Survived a narcipath

    This is true but the difference in my situation with my ex is he doesn't value his credit. He doesn't want a debt of owning a home, payment, property taxes, insurance, repairs etc . He wants to be "cash rich" so he can try to impress people (women) by making them think he's loaded . He maxed out his credit cards and then just stops paying on them when they become no use to him. He makes over 200,000 a year so he has the income to pay his debt but it's his priority to throw money around, buy cars in cash, take lavish vacations, etc. he had perfect credit when we were married, I made sure all his bills were paid. He quickly destroyed his credit in a years time after we divorced. He has judgements against him, he won't pay a singe bill if it's not currently a benefit to him. It's the mentality he got what he wanted from it and then just dumped his obligation to any of it. The IRS has to levy his bank account. That's how bad he is.

  • Comment Link Dee T Saturday, 27 August 2016 17:35 posted by Dee T

    How does it work when the one owing child support stops working? Does the state then pay her and then the Dad will be owing the state back? She is telling him now that they have stopped paying her child support (know that he has not worked for over a year) because she started making a little more money. Now she is asking him for money on the side. He finally got a job two weeks ago but they haven't dinged his checks yet for some reason.
    So is she pulling one over on him? How was she getting support all that time and he wasn't working? Does child support then turn into welfare payments if he is not working?
    I'm trying to find all this out but I know nothing about child support. Info please.

  • Comment Link Johanne Narcisse Wednesday, 03 August 2016 18:36 posted by Johanne Narcisse

    OMG, this article really help me. I am so glad that it talk about my own peace of mind. Which in return is good for my children and health.

  • Comment Link miranda Wednesday, 22 June 2016 17:33 posted by miranda

    im a single father tp my 4 year old daughter . me and her her mom are no longer together . she left me to be with someone else and she have 2 other kids with this guy . so in totaly she has 3 children . but only 1 is mine. she keeps threating me saying shes gonna get child support on me .and im worried because she doesnt work . but she lives off her boyfriend who makes good money .i work full time and we dont have any court orders but we had agreed a while ago to switch off every week. but her mom will always use excuses that she needs me to pick her up because she dont listen with the other kids .and she needs us to get her so i do go pick her up . keep in mind she just moved 1 hour away from me so now its harder . i just wanna know can she still get child support . i pay everythimg for her when shes with me .so will i have to pay child support or what should i do to get my daughter.

  • Comment Link Rob Thursday, 19 May 2016 18:31 posted by Rob

    Please note that a lower percentage of non-custodial moms pay their child support compared to dads. I (dad) have had custody for over 12 years (since the divorce) and my ex-wife owes over $56,000. We both have Master's degrees but she refuses to hold a job over 3-4 months. However, since she is the mother, the state will not go after her at all. If I was behind $56,000, I would be in jail. I recommend you change your website to include good fathers that don't get child support as well. Thanks

  • Comment Link Donna Melquist Tuesday, 10 May 2016 00:57 posted by Donna Melquist

    Reading this, I felt that I could've written in. Every sentence is absolutely the truth. Trying to get a deadbeat, narcissistic ex to financially support his children is like trying to weave a basket with wet noodles! The more you try to work with it, the more difficult it becomes to work with and you end up throwing your hands up in frustration. Deadbeats, as mine, are so very selfish and manipulative and have no concern for the welfare of their children-it's their way or the highway-they play father of the year when they wish to "show off" and lure in new girlfriends or appear "normal" to friends and aquaintances- and will lie, cheat, and make excuses for their neglect. This article is a must read for all parents once married to a deadbeat parent.

  • Comment Link JShala Tuesday, 03 May 2016 00:52 posted by JShala

    After the divorce from my narcissist of 17 years, formerly earning 6 figures, he became unemployed. He remarried and stayed in our home. Though I had custody of our three children, I was ordered to pay child support to him monthly.

    I was nearly evicted twice and when I could not pay the court ordered support, my ex took me to court 3 times, each time tabulating the arrears with interest
    Each time the judge treats me as a deadbeat when I am a struggling single mother trying to pay my ex husband child support. I have often been stuck managing with credit cards, payday advance and bounced checks.

    So many ask me, "how can this happen?"
    It's what they call the dissomaster. The court enters each parents income and expenses. Whoever has more, or the smaller deficit has to pay the other. My ex had a high over head living in our home. His income was unemployment.

    Recently I have taken the case to child support services. For 7 months I have completed and submitted 5 applications. You see, this is an unusual case and each representative tells me I need to address it differently to have a chance at a modification. I have been given the run around, but I have no choice. Having a lawyer is no possible.

    I have considered moving to a cheaper neighborhood, however, I have close proximity to our children's school and if I moved I have no doubt my ex would seek and likely obtain custody as he lives in the family home near schools. One child had gone to live with him and I did not see her for 2 years. As she is a teen it is a non issue.

    So, please know that it can always get worse. Maintaining the best for the children is worth the hardship.

  • Comment Link Unknown Tuesday, 15 March 2016 18:32 posted by Unknown

    TO lovewool and Mr. MSW/MBA,

    I do not see Mr. MSW/MBA being a martyr at all. I am in the same situation and let me tell you their is zero parental alienation on my part but by his own doing. After unorthodox marriage that lasted less than two horrible years I finished my BS degree and raised two babies on my own working full time. I am now in graduate school, work full time, and pull a PRN job while raising two children on my own (Thank goodness for a great family support system)! My children's bio father chooses to not pay his child support for my children and another child from a relationship prior to me. All while constantly harassing/threatening me for visitation and never showing then disappearing off the face of the earth for months at a time. Heck I make darn sure I request his supervised visitation days off just so their is no reason for him to blast me with harassing emails.

    He views his child support orders as a payment to "us b*****s"! No joke he has told both the mothers of his children this countless times and how dare us ask for medical support or court ordered help with school clothing, activities, or child care. So be it, I'd rather not see a dime of his money than have his constant harassment, threats, and abusive behavior around myself or my children. I made my poor choices thinking it would initially be best to have my children in a dual parent home despite the red flags. Enough was enough, money or not, I was not having my children raised in an abusive unhealthy environment. Mr. MSW/MBA hit the nail on the head.... the child support or "visitation" isn't about the children with these types of individuals. It's about conning their latest victim and attempting to maintain control they no longer have over the mothers. In the end my children will see that I busted my behind to give them everything I possibly could along with my SO being a real man and stepping up to be a dad to them even if they aren't biologically related.

    This article is spot on! Its unfortunate and tiresome crying at night wondering how I will pay this extra cost or come up with this amount, but it is what it is and we must go on with our lives for the sake of our little ones in hopes of giving them the best that we can. It's all short term and not worth wasting the precious time we have with our children because before we know it they will be grown.

  • Comment Link lovewool Sunday, 13 March 2016 17:32 posted by lovewool

    "TO Mr. MSW/MBA"

    Shame on you! You are being a martyr. You have low self esteem and convincing yourself that you are a savior by paying for things for your wife's children, and living under the same roof as them. You are only with them more because you live under the roof with them , and the father has been pushed into the periphery because she has primary custody. And you are alienating the children from their father (look up parental alienation) by telling them you are giving them more love and involvement and money than their father. They will grow to resent you if they don't secretly resent you already. It is quite possible that your ex has pushed him out of their life as much as possible and played the victim, telling you lies about what really happened. It happened in the case of my family and it happens more often than people realize.

  • Comment Link Mr. MSW/MBA Sunday, 06 March 2016 17:11 posted by Mr. MSW/MBA

    As the father of three children, two of them step children, I can attest to what your saying. For the past ten years I have watched a narcissistic, low life, sponge, attempt to destroy and harm his children and he be completely clueless he is doing it. See what he failed to realize is that every time he failed to pay child support, he harmed and robbed his children of a relationship with him. He robbed his children of the chance to witness him accomplish dreams and goals, but instead saw an angry and regret filled man cause harm. Even to this day, both boys can't understand why their dad will not and won't step up to provide for them while their step dad (me) does. I tell them that when I married their mother, they became part of me and my responsibility. That as a father the thought of not providing for my kids, would drive me insane. The idea that that any child suffers at the hands of a lazy and vindictive parent, is cruel and unjust. And many mothers would say the exact same thing. Yes I have paid out way more in time, money, and, energy then their dad has, but I get something he never will have, their love, trust, and, respect. And that is why he wont step up to provide. Because the idea of another man loving the boys mother, (my wife), with all his heart, mind, and soul, drives him crazy. For him, child support was never about the boys, but about not getting over the fact that he was divorced for being an abusive, control freak, and, dead beat of a spouse.

  • Comment Link Kyle Thursday, 25 February 2016 05:50 posted by Kyle

    Here's a suggestion, if you can't provide for the child, you don't deserve custody.

  • Comment Link Anthea Ross-Miller Friday, 19 February 2016 09:47 posted by Anthea Ross-Miller

    Why would someone want to stop the benifits from special needs children ages 13 and 19. Why would the court not want to pay what was agreed to in the settlement. Dad was helping but all of a suddent someone made changes and they didnt inform me the mother that they were making changes. In the initial agreed do to my back injury they agreed to help me and my children. The disabled Dad was helping me and his children. But he has stopped. But now I feel like all the responsibility has been put off on me. Who ever made the changes left me and the children in hardship. I've tried to get help for myself so that I could help me an the children better. But I can't instead they garnished my wages. They say my ex husband who is a retired veteran doesn't have to help me. And the childrens biological dad who's disabled doesn't have to help me or the children. My question is why did they make changes without consulting with me.

  • Comment Link Mike Wednesday, 10 February 2016 13:43 posted by Mike

    Many men want to be great father's but can't get custody of their Children. I was married 14 years. My wife and I worked together as Realtors, we made a decent income and had two beautiful daughters. My wife left me, hired a nasty attorney, was awarded full custody when I begged to have 50/50 joint custody. My ex-wife now has a new man living in my old house with my daughter's who I am only allowed biweekly visitations with and I'm required to pay her $1500 a month. We had the same job, the same potential to make similar incomes and I'm a great cook, cleaner and was a great father. Tell me how this is fair? The courts are so tied up I can't even fight the custody decision for a year.

  • Comment Link Samantha Sunday, 10 January 2016 21:01 posted by Samantha

    What the system needs to do is make a stricter law around child support for men like this . If they are changing jobs and taking lesser pay and it is noticed that easily ( come tax season ) I truly believe there should be jail time . A special area in prison for minor offences but also taken very seriously . You have three children with someone your yearly salary is 50,000.00 a year and your expected to pay ' 650$' a month and all of a sudden you leave that job and take a job at 30,000$ a year , legally you should be finding a way to make up that 650$ a month regardless or you lose your vehicle license (they do that in canada ) you cannot leave the country to go on vacation (canada does that as well ) but also if you have gone over 1 year not to pay child support you are looking at prison time and possibly even a labour program where you work off that money you owe to the gaurdian the children until all of it is paid off. There needs to be more responsibility enforced on grown ups and there is ways to do it if out law makers hear the needs of single parents and child support . This is suppose to be about the children and this payment is to help raise them in a healthy way .

  • Comment Link Enza Saturday, 09 January 2016 17:22 posted by Enza

    Wow if I didn't know any better you were talking about my ex. As of yesterday he has threatened to take me back to court if I refuse to drop the $16 that's right $16 a week in child support. Since the divorce this man that has consistently made $60-$80 a year now can only make a mere $28. Of course this isn't true as he would not be able to pay the bills that I know he has. Works off the books now. Guess I'll be going back to court AGAIN.

  • Comment Link Lunar2015 Friday, 11 September 2015 19:04 posted by Lunar2015

    I agree with Leighanne and LC. Leighanne is right, you must get wage withholding (what it's called in Missouri) done immediately. That way the child support is coming directly from their paycheck. If they quit work, that's another story. But as long as they're working, this is the way to go.

    And LC is totally right. I had to have a "Bye Felicia" attitude regarding my ex-husband. I'll work my butt off to take care of my children. It stinks because the only thing I need him for is child support. But I'm going back to school in the Spring, so in 2 years I'll have a Master's and be on my way to a higher income. I'm sure he'll take me back to court to lower his payment, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

    It's amazing because before we had kids, he'd fuss about the deadbeat men who didn't take care of their kids and didn't pay child support. And he'd always say how he would always take care of his children because they "meant the world to him."

    We're strong women. We know how to cut corners financially, stretch a dollar, and use creative ways to get things done. The dollar store, Goodwill, and some food pantries have been my best friend. I cancelled cable, subscribed to Hulu Plus, manage utility bills (open the windows instead of using central air), and do without what we don't need. Fortunately my kids are small, so it's easy for them to not notice the suffering.

    My ex-husband is an attorney with a very high political position in Missouri. But he is the biggest deadbeat I've ever known. True Disneyland dad (takes them every year), but continuously refused to pay child support without legal intervention.

    Men like him should be ashamed of themselves. They are sick in the head. "Bye Felicia" to all of those Daddy of the Year deadbeats!

  • Comment Link T Monday, 07 September 2015 01:53 posted by T

    My ex is a narcissist with a capital N!!. He has decided I'm his biggest expense and sends what he feels like sending for child support; not what is court ordered. All the rules apply to everyone but him. I am going to get tougher this time. This is ridiculous. I plan on taking him to court this week. I am not even going to discuss it with him....what's the point??

  • Comment Link T Wednesday, 12 August 2015 14:18 posted by T

    Just want to say, even though this was written a while ago, I just came across it and this article is spot-on in my case for the most part. My ex (thankfully, never married) is a narcissist. He was paying support just fine (agreed to the thousands in back support he owed in the past too without a fight) until he moved to a different state. Now neither of us live in the state that the original order was in, so they say they can't enforce it. I'm having to change the order and switch everything around myself in order to have them start enforcing/garnishing the support from his wages. I asked him about it when I stopped receiving it regularly about 4-5 months ago and was told "he'd look into it".. of course, I never heard from him about what was going on with it even though he told me he was sending checks in to the agency and had "no idea where they were going since I wasn't getting them", so obviously I had to take matters into my own hands. In the meantime, I guess he figures it's a free-ride even though the arrears are adding up. I'm sure his reasoning for not paying at all last month was because my daughter was supposed to be with him for the summer.. sure, she was away from me for 5 weeks, but she literally only spent about 5-7 days with him total during that entire time. He thinks since she's not with me during that measly 1 month out of the year that he's supposed to have her, that I'm not owed the support.. well, that's not what the court says, but like you said, a narcissist does not like to listen to others, and since right now it's in his hands, there's nothing I can do ;) One thing I wanted to mention though, is that I did not get his tax return this year. There are ways of dodging the tax intercept as well. I'm sure he filed his taxes, but did them (or did his W4) in a way where he would receive no return or where he would owe, so he doesn't have to pay me the arrears that are owed. Smart move.. I usually receive it every year (because he usually ends up somewhat behind) but this has happened once in the past when there were arrears owed. Again, it's still just adding up. I don't know why they don't understand, taking the time off from paying isn't going to make the responsibility go away. And it's not hurting anyone but the children.

  • Comment Link Theresa G. Tuesday, 11 August 2015 20:53 posted by Theresa G.

    This hits my situation right on the noise!!!! Thank you!!! I need to forgive and not talk to him about it and also just understand I need to let the legal system to take care of everything.

  • Comment Link LC Thursday, 11 June 2015 16:06 posted by LC

    Thank you for this. I have been separated from my STBX for 3.5 months and am waking up to the reality that he is not going to ever do his financial duty by his children, even though he pays so much lipservice to being a good dad. I am arranging my finances so that I can pay everything without him, making him as irrelevant as he wishes to be. In the end, I lose thousands of dollars and deal with the aftereffects of his smear campaign, but I can move on and not depend on him in any way whatsoever. And he wins, because he gets to call himself a father while spending $0 on his children and he has a built-in "evil enemy" for life -- me! :D One thing I can say is that life with a deadbeat dad is easier than life with a dead-weight spouse. Even with my current challenges I have more control over my financial life than I did before, and the potential to continue making it better.

    This article has instantly calmed me and helped me see, more clearly, what reality is, and this is the first step toward just accepting even more what he is and what he will never, ever be.

  • Comment Link Theresa Wednesday, 10 June 2015 02:11 posted by Theresa

    What I am not understanding is this, if they have their info i.e. SS number and so forth.. How hard is it today to once and a while use the technology of today i.e. computer and do a search on the SSA gov website to see if he is working..

    Why can't the Child Support Enforcement do that? Just run his SS number. Or if he is collecting benefits such as SSI or Unemployment.. I've been waiting for my Ex's support for quite a few yrs.. I was divorced back in the early 90's..

    Lets put it this way, they have to be living on something..

    I know that some employers will not report that the person is working there and just throw the order away.. Maybe the CS Enforcement should make a phone call and remind the employer about the law if not reported..

    I hate to say this, but, when it comes to the fathers they had no problem when it came to making the child..

  • Comment Link haha Thursday, 04 June 2015 03:05 posted by haha

    It is constant babysitting when you are involved with a narcissist. You can show him proof they owe money and they will not pay unless a judge puts a gun to their head. They will refuse to make any payment as they see it benefiting you, not our child. They will hide the smallest of issues from you as if it is some huge secret, for no reason at all.

    and you know whats even worse is a narcissist who is also a cop.

  • Comment Link Anna Sunday, 29 March 2015 08:47 posted by Anna

    This article has really helped me. My ex is almost $10k behind in child support (in fact, he hasn't paid anything at all) and I was wondering what to do. Childcare is so expensive and rent is very high, I'm starting to actually look into getting help from the state because I'm having trouble making ends meet. And it doesn't help that he left me in a lot of debt (that he was responsible for). Reading this has encouraged me to get tougher. I know I'm dealing with a true narcissist and its nice to know I'm not alone. :)

  • Comment Link Bitter Tuesday, 20 January 2015 15:33 posted by Bitter

    So I'm curious to know what to do in a situation where you have 50/50 custody and yet their father still resists to pay for child support and would rather pay towards extra curricular activities than have their mother live in a comfortable home where everyone can have their own room as I have two children boy and girl. He's remarried and has two salaries coming in. It's called selfishness and whether or not you have conversations around who makes more, at the end of the day he does and finds every reason not to pay. I'm at a point where my only choices are accept it and realize he has no intentions of ever helping me or go to court.

  • Comment Link tasha Sunday, 11 January 2015 18:49 posted by tasha

    My daughter is 8 yr. old. She loves her father, and he will occasionally pick her up to see her family. But he isn't paying finacially, saying he's only working two days out the week. What does that have to do with the well being of my daughter? I'm on my way to send him to child support but i don't know what to say to my daughter if he stops coming around or stops all together to get her.

  • Comment Link ned Tuesday, 26 August 2014 15:42 posted by ned

    it works worse 10 times more often when roles are opposite. By rule mothers DO NOT PAY child support in way bigger case. number of paying man/deadbeat to women/ deadbeat.

  • Comment Link Leighanne Thursday, 05 June 2014 02:02 posted by Leighanne

    From day 1 my wonderful lawyer had his wages garnished and the state sends me a direct deposit every two weeks without fail! That is the only way to go! it will take away his ability to control the situation and therefore you.

  • Comment Link SharP Saturday, 22 March 2014 20:20 posted by SharP

    John d must we explain it to you again. The courts are my best friend in dealing with my ex. In my state I have been upset with court decisions because I want my way but then quickly realized I got more than I would have gotten without them. I can usually live with the judges decision and make "it" work. Just because the judge throws him a bone, doesn't mean that I didn't get the steak dinner. These are his children, he is Disney dad but sometimes kids throw up on vacation. So i guess he'll have to step up and parent the hard stuff sometimes and pay the child support too. Kids are almost grown. I rarely need him his check or baby sitting any more. They grow up fast and he is running out of ways to mess with me.

  • Comment Link Marye Friday, 28 February 2014 18:17 posted by Marye

    John D - True. However there really are men that prefer to not deal with the everyday stuff, don't pay child support, and don't desire to spend time with their children, believe it or not. Most regular men can't wrap their brains around it but it's true. What then?

  • Comment Link john d Thursday, 27 February 2014 23:22 posted by john d

    The cost to raise a child should be shared equally in all ways not just monetary. What ever the cost before the break up should be exactly the same after. Stop bringing the courts into the equation , you'll do nothing but cause hate , discontent , and resentment. Try putting the shoe on the other foot and see how each other would like to be in the other shoes. The non custodial parent is usually thought of as nothing but a paycheck and parental rights and visitations are usually one sided and also rarely enforced by the courts . It's quite obvious that you may not be able to get along with your significant other but to use a child and the system to permanently cause long lasting and irreparable harm to one or more of the so-called family unit is beyond selfish.