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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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Getting a divorce, going through the court system, and dealing with the ex up close and personal is bad enough but when you add in child support agreements it gets downright nasty. Let’s face it, when in court, especially for child custody issues, the narcissist is on stage and performing at his finest. The narcissistic behavior is mercurial – heart-wrenchingly dramatic one minute and solemnly resigned the next. If it wasn’t so frustrating it would be entertaining.

Keep your expectations realistic.

Your Honor, Meet Dr. Jekyll

When you are in court you can expect your narcissistic ex to channel Fred McMurray. For those of you too young to remember, he was the wise, gentle, pipe smoking father on a 1960s sit-com called My Three Sons. He always had the perfect answer, always had a gentle tone, and was loving beyond belief. He’s just the guy to convince the judge that you are to blame for everything and your perception of his parenting is based on your hormonal imbalances.

Since most judges and other people at court are not schooled in the social habits of the wily narcissist they relate to them like they were normal people.

How crazy is that?

What’s going to happen is that your dear narc is going spout off all of the right words. He will convince the court that he has desperately tried to see his children but you have blocked his every attempt. No doubt the judge will look at you sternly and say those words that you’ve hear so many times before.

“You need to be more cooperative.”

Don’t cry. Don’t flip off the judge. Just pull out the diary that you have been keeping and show each instance where his actions speak louder than his words. You don’t owe him a thing. I felt that I owed the ex something for a long time and then I started to get real with myself. He cheated, he lied, he left without one hint of concern about how I was going to raise the six kids at home. I didn’t have a real job, not much income, and I’d been out of the work force for 30 years. He left the state and left me to deal with the fallout.

Owe him something? I don’t think so.

Kids Are Trophies, Too

Narcissists are really not any different with their kids than they are with you. Children exist to glorify their narcissistic parent. Many times there will be one child who is favored because of their grades, talents, or successes while the other child is largely ignored. My ex has given some of the children birthday cards, some birthday money, and some nothing at all depending on his whim when their birthdays came around.  There may be times when he actually visits when he says he is going to and other times when he just doesn’t show.

I’ve known narcissists that dress their daughters up like dolls and then take them places just to show them off but let that child screw up then the trip is over.

A narcissist will disappear when things start getting real. If the child begins to be honest about how she feels, if she expresses her anger or frustration over the divorce or the way the narcissist is acting then he will disappear. Game over. Taking my ball and going home. I’m outta here.

Here’s where it gets tricky. You can’t protect your kids from it no matter how much you want to. They have to learn for themselves the truth of who their narcissistic parent is and what being a narcissist means. It is painful but you can’t take that particular bullet for them.

Keep a diary of everything so that you have good records to show the court if necessary. Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: Juliejordanscott

Manipulating the Children

Manipulation is a big part of the narcissist’s life. When he can manipulate someone’s emotions or responses he can control their lives. When it comes to your children he can manipulate them to control you.

It’s not unusual for the narcissist to use gifts and unusual privileges to get the sympathy of the children. He may pull them out of school at lunch and head off to the pizza place, for example. Whatever he does is done with the idea of winning their admiration in the same way he won you over all those years ago. At the same time if the children become and inconvenience then he will drop them back with you in a heartbeat – no explanation, no excuse, no nothing.

It’s sad but you need to prepare yourself because many children go through a time when they lay the blame on their mother (or the non-narcissistic spouse) for the issues they are having with the narcissist. If he doesn’t show up it is your fault. If he drops them off early it’s your fault. I have had one of my children express to me that I should let the ex “off the hook” financially because I was earning more money than he was.

Things like that will tear at your heart but my theory is that the kids, your family, and your friends will be more likely to expect you to make his life easier because you are doing just fine. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the ex is milking their sympathies for all he is worth.

It’s going to be tough but all you can do is wait it out. The truth will come out eventually it’s just a matter of being patient and being the mom. You know how that goes. You swallow your hurt and you wait for them to figure it out. They will, I promise.

Remove Healthy Co-Parenting from the Table

If you are expecting some sort of healthy, fair co-parenting you can forget it. It isn’t going to happen. He will lavish affection on the children when it is convenient and ignore them for weeks on end when it is not. My ex let everyone know how amazing our artist son was, how proud of him he was, and how blessed he was when our son was invited to enter a juried art show at a well-known gallery and art museum. However, when I was paying for that sons’ college tuition, books, and art supplies and asked for financial help I was told that the son was over 18 and he was no longer obligated.

That is a classic narcissist move right there. I made the financial sacrifice but he was sure to share in the glory.  

File a Parenting Plan

Remember, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to let the court handle it. Don’t argue or play in to his drama. Have your lawyer draw up a parenting plan that you both can agree to. Make sure that it mentions every, single scenario from Christmas to high school graduation. When he deviates from the plan you can let the court enforce it.

Courts are chaotic environments and not always fair but you can, more often than not, allow the child support division to force your ex to do what he was ordered to do. Trust me, it’s nice not to have to be the bad guy. You can just shrug and smile and say, “It’s not me, it’s the court”.

Are you dealing with a narcissistic ex-husband and trying to navigate the co-parenting thing? You’re not alone. Join First Wives’ World today and learn more about how others are dealing with co-parenting issues.

Lead Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: Photopin

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  • Comment Link Val Thor Saturday, 11 November 2017 03:22 posted by Val Thor

    Funny how 90% of the time the narcissist in these examples are men. TRUST ME, Im dealing with a master narcissist and she has connived the court via childs psychologist (who began seeing my child because she had a consistent meltdowns when it was time to go back to moms 5 years after divorce) that I was trying to get her to take drugs. After years of trying to [prove every new allegations is false she has filed to Terminate my Parental Rights. SHE HAS FOOLED EVERYONE and I'm BROKE and devastated.

  • Comment Link Tonya kramer Tuesday, 09 May 2017 01:39 posted by Tonya kramer

    Going through this with my three kids. Two are teens. One is ten. One boy two girls. My ex husband and his girlfriend do a lot of the things mentioned. Losing hope that the kids will ever figure out the truth. Sometimes it hurts so badly.

  • Comment Link SUELLEN Wednesday, 03 May 2017 17:24 posted by SUELLEN


  • Comment Link Laurie Davis Thursday, 20 April 2017 04:16 posted by Laurie Davis

    So what do you do when the husband moved in with his girlfriend, isn't really seeing the kids, says he can't pay support because he has his own bills to pay. When you decide to take him to court he steals the kids and refuses to let you see him. At court he makes up stories to makes it look like you are crazy and didn't try to get the kids which is false. He always has his way. He came and picked up everything out of your house that he wanted and it suddenly becomes his. Even personal gifts you have received. Now the girlfriend is pregnant. He files taxes and claims the kids even though you were supposed to file jointly. You had the kids the majority of last year until he snatched them so if anyone should have claimed the kids it should be you. Last year he also manuevered to get the tax return. Oh and he took your car and sold it because his name was on the title. Oh and told his friend if anyone asks it was sold for $350 even though I am sure he got a lot more for it. How can I win this? He always gets his way. He has no empathy and only wants the kids to avoid paying child support and also because he found out his girlfriend is pregnant and didn't want his wife to have child support.

  • Comment Link Mel Saturday, 25 February 2017 18:00 posted by Mel

    Narcissists...feel self-pity but not empathy, are delusional, and compulsively attack ANYTHING important to others, subtly or overtly, even if it harms them to do so. Doing this gives them a feeling of emotional self-control (="stability" for them.)

    Others' and feelings...all fair game. They are non-accountable and very insidious in convincing anyone (YOU, your kids, family, strangers, courts!) that someone else is to blame for all their actions.

    This means YOU. And your kids. :-(

    But it is NOT. ABOUT. YOU. It is what they DO. And they will not change.

    Learn to keep expectations low and boundaries high. You will never receive genuine emotional support from a N so do not look for must find that elsewhere and shop carefully for that.

    What you think is none of their business. And sharing opinions, asserting your rights, making demands, being real etc. can result in very real life harm to you and what matters to you. Or just a lot of drama. If you have not seen this side of a N (buzzwords "N collapse" or "N injury"), be glad.

    If contact is necessary, general dispassionate, detached responses ("hmm. okay" in "I recognize you have said something) and mostly focusing on other things without showing emotion may be practical and works well for some. Again, this is if contact is necessary, and your emotional needs belong elsewhere.

  • Comment Link JD Tuesday, 21 February 2017 05:07 posted by JD

    Help please . ? I am overwhelmed my husband decided that I am dead to him. He controls communication . Two of my kids are hurting because he doesn't talk to them and the younger two sometimes see him sometimes don't . He gets mad easily and leaves quickly . He moved out of state so I try to tell him stuff about the kids sometimes he listens and sometimes he actually says I don't care . He blames me for everything and especially his poor relationship with the kids. I spent 20 years trying not to lose my family but he says he doesn't care and I believe it. I am bipolar but I think he is messed up somehow ... I have full custody . He has visitation which he doesn't stick too because he says it's me that I am the reason he can't see the kids , but I opened my home my heart ... I tried .. then he just moved away and now I can't get conversation about college or the house. He chooses when or if to speak. How can a court help with that?

  • Comment Link jacqueline granizo beazer Saturday, 11 February 2017 04:38 posted by jacqueline granizo beazer

    My narcisst husband Allan Lynn beazer manipulated the state of California and Colorado and put me in jail for fradalents of kidnapping my kids a son Caesar that is autistic and I was completely involved in his IEP schooling and NY poor little girl Jacqueline jewel classified gifted at the age of seven NY son failed two high school grades my daughter Jacqueline was a cutter and overdosed on pikks from twelve and on. My oldest daughter left the family at sixteen my juds were physically abuse by his ex girlfriend tomasa sepada in cicolorado akkan change the numbers constantly and kniq that my kids are grown he has alienated my children from me Jacqueline granizo beazer it is not right

  • Comment Link kat Friday, 03 February 2017 23:59 posted by kat

    I just got divorced and my ex and I still 'hung' out after for about 7 months. Then he meet a woman and literally not kidding next day she moved into his place, he asked her too. He has not seen the kids since and it is about a month. He also will drive 3 hours to help his ex even during working night but he still will not drive 20 minutes to return our kids stuff animals. Needless to say I got a lawyer. I cannot afford it but no way am I going to let him come and go as he pleases. He also might be leaving state to move to city with her.. the no job, married 3 time woman who is worth more than 2 children. :(

  • Comment Link Susan Lozier Friday, 20 January 2017 15:30 posted by Susan Lozier












  • Comment Link magda Saturday, 17 December 2016 20:13 posted by magda

    exactely how my ex sun in law is - I also wanted to try and protect my three year old granddaughter but there is nothing that we can do because at this stage she wants to be with him every second weekend. Hope her eyes open sooner than later

  • Comment Link Concerned Z Thursday, 01 December 2016 12:15 posted by Concerned Z

    Good day! I didn't know that there was so much information about the same situation I'm having with my children and their father. I feel drained and believe me, I feel ill. It's to the point that I'm contemplating giving up on my kids and just allowing them to stay with their father.

    For many years (14-yrs) is an ongoing back and forth to court, police and traumatic situations involving my children, him and I. I have also wondered if getting my child psychological help a right thing to do at this moment?

    I have text messages I have sent to friends and family in lieu of keeping track of what's going on. Is this helpful? Can I just print these out? I do not want to give up on my kids and let this man ruin their emotions more than what they've done.

  • Comment Link Diane Monday, 28 November 2016 04:08 posted by Diane

    I really neec yall to get davon jackson he smokes in front of his kids plus drink than drive them around he has no driver lincences and he leave off red bank inthe apartment behind harfies yall can catch him about 630 to 7 he go to work please get him before its to late

  • Comment Link j Saturday, 26 November 2016 11:20 posted by j

    i been looking for some answers to deal with narcissist mother 'but there is no answer ..
    question; to run or be sitting duck and effect emotionally and effects work (pays their bills) that i voluntarily fully sporting them..and really need clear head for that..narcissist mother
    running away change all my contacts just sending money to me is only option..poor child will suffer no matter what in hand of sick mother..and i think child will not hear mother bad muting me..or at least will reduce so is healthier for child ,,that i love more than anything in world and forever..and mother might give up her toxic behavior in time,,but can anyone answer this? is it possible she turns her toxic way on poor child more if i am not around them?

  • Comment Link Cheryl Mitchell Wednesday, 16 November 2016 05:07 posted by Cheryl Mitchell

    Dealing with a narcissist ex husband who is trying to use my kids against me by making up lies about me to the kids. Today he said he can't send big toys he's bought them to my house because I said he couldn't? I've never said anything!!! He wanted them the day after thanksgiving which isn't his day and now I've decided not to switch especially because he keeps saying they will be out really late they need to spend the night! We drove home every year and never got home that late! He doesn't have overnights so I refuse to allow it! He's an alcoholic with a breathalyzer with a drinking family so I don't trust him to stay sober.

  • Comment Link shanna2588 Sunday, 13 November 2016 04:46 posted by shanna2588

    My story is long but to sum it up my parents took custody of my three year old daughter with accusations that i have anger problems and i take it out on her. There is no evidence and that is because its not true. My parents and I never got a long and my daughter and I moved out into our own place May 2016 and than i got A babysitter for her while I was at work do my mother did not have a part that she use to have in my daughters life. They have been trying to get my daughter against me for the past two years and i finally got away from them and got a babysitter that worked. So they petitioned for custody off of five pages of lies that they wrote about me and they got it. The judge is friends with my parents but i cant prove it in court to have it moved unless i pay another attorney 2000 dollars to appeal the case and bring it to supereme court. I was able to get visitations through my best friend but one night my daughter said that my father blew on her privates and we brought her to urgent care instead of calling cps to make sure she was okay. They called cps anyways and my mother went down and told the judge the judge said i was mentally unstable because i did that and took my visitations away. When my daughter did have the visitaions they were not sleep overs and she flipped out like a panic attack every time and did not understand why she couldnt stay with me. Now i went back to court they allowed me to have one visitation a week for four hours. I have to find a court appointed person though and its going to be expensice and i already am paying a lawyer. I would pay anything if it would help my daughter but will the visitation be more harmful to her than good? Since she flips out every time she has to leave me. I dont want to put her through that. I wont win the court unless i get the 2000 dollars so what do i do? I just want my daughter to be happy :(

  • Comment Link Gloria Sunday, 16 October 2016 11:05 posted by Gloria

    I have just come accross your article. My ex narc is still planted firmly in my life. Making friends with my friends husband and trying the same thing with another friends husband but he saw through him luckily. We have been seperated 3 years. Our child whos is 10 lives with me. When we separated he didnt give a care about how we were. Never asked how our son was coping. Watched as we moved out of his house that unfortunately i was never on the mortgage for. We stayed with different family members sharing a bed in their spare rooms. We are now finally settled. He is still with the OW and defends her even though she has made my life a misery with (supposedly ) anonymous letter texts emails and on Facebook. My son met her once but since he has realised its dads 'new girlfriend ' he no longer wants to see her which i am very happy about. My ex in the last 3 years has barely bothered with our boy. Just doing the bare minimum. He attends parent meetings at school and occasionally after school concerts etc but if he cant find an excuse to not go then he goes under duress. ( he once didnt go to sports day because he came out of work and it was raining but text to wish our son a good sports day ! And didnt go to his first swimming gala because he fell asleep, didnt turn up xmas day because he was ill (hangover according to his mom) The list goes on ) however recently he has taken to texting our son every day with pet names ,tons of kisses, good night messages of how proud he is of him etc. Worse still, he has wormed his way into coming back to my house to help our son with his homework which he has never done before. He put the idea to my son first, and he obviously was all for it. I am in the position that if i say no or stop it i am the bad person. He is very calclating with his words and i feel like i have let the devil back in. My initial thoughts are to stop this but actually my son is so keen to impress his dad that he knuckles down to his homework, and his marks are improving. My ex cant wait till parents evening to see what the teacher says but he just wants to hear the glory. I feel like things are not going to well with the other woman and my house is somewhere to go. As soon as he wants to hoover her back in or gets new supply i know he will drop my son like a lead balloon. . I can only be there to pick up the pieces, again, for his erratic strange behaviour. Hopefully, as our son is getting older i can start to explain things to him. I keep a diary and have 3 years worth of text messages locked on my phone i keep them all as i cant explain some of the things he says, does or texts but hopefully that will show how he has been. He talks our son into believing thigs. Eg. After a year he convinced him he actually did go to his swimming gala but he didnt sit near me so i hadn't seen him. I have texts to the contrary. I will never get sucked back in, despite his occasional charm and lost soul attempt. He knows ive seen him for who he really is but i really want to shield my son. If i show im bothered by what he does he does it more, whilst smiling and being charming. I know he will tire of the homework thing eventually. I pretend its all ok and i have no problem with it as that is the total oppsite of what he wants. If he cant annoy me, and he will hopefully have new supply soon, then he'll be out of our lives again. But then i feel like I'm wishing my sone to be upset I'm really between the devil and the deep blue sea. But i am hoping my son will understand and not be affected by this

  • Comment Link Dawn Griggs Wednesday, 28 September 2016 18:47 posted by Dawn Griggs

    I am trying after 21 years to once and for all leave my narcisstic husband. He has made my life a living hell from day one, infidelity lies etc. all the textbook things you read on being abused by a narcissist has been my life. I am scared but more scared of what is going to be done around and in front of my 15 year old wonderful son. He said he will not leave his dad because he has no one. Breaks my heart. I have no job and need to get out soon because he is trying to destroy me even more thank what he has. Thank you for your article.

  • Comment Link Gina Sunday, 25 September 2016 04:54 posted by Gina

    I sooo needed this!!! Thank you Thank you Thank you! My son is playing me and manipulating me and acting just like his father and it is soooo hard. I found this article so helpful!!!!

  • Comment Link Dita Friday, 16 September 2016 01:31 posted by Dita

    i wish there was a way to show the narcicist to them self..

  • Comment Link Ashley Tuesday, 06 September 2016 06:07 posted by Ashley

    Having seperated from my ex spouse since my daughter was 8 months old, this is a story of my life. Not having the proper description of what he is, I now have come to the realization that he is a Narcissist. I have always heard the term but never understood what it meant nor did I have anybody in my life to apply this to.
    My now 9 year old that I try and co parent with has been an uphill battle for the past 8.5 years
    Realizing that things are not going to change, that in a world where two parents need to co-parent, our world seems different. It took me a long time to realize that. Now that I have a name to who and what he is, I now need to learn to cope.
    His communication with me regarding our child is left with him accusing me of not having the best interests at heart for her, telling me she deserves better, that If I truly cared for her I would answer his text messages, if I truly loved her I would always have her best interests at heart, just because I am her mother doesn't mean I take precidence over anything, the heartbreaking comments go on and on. As a woma who has very sensitive feelings, he is emotionally exhausting.
    I don't know how to deal and manage a parenting relationship with an individual such as this.
    He has taken her out of school to spend time with her. His lack of empathy and sympathy is worrysome when trying to understand his daughter. I have learned that just because I think and would do things differently doesn't mean he is going to.
    He has made it clear and my 9 year old has come to her stepdad and myself and has said in passing that Daddy said his home is the real home.
    I am at a loss for trying to understand how to coparent with a narcissist.

  • Comment Link emer Saturday, 03 September 2016 09:57 posted by emer

    My ex remarried very quickly. He has no interest in the kids but his wife has a 13 year old. He brings him out shopping for meals cinema, buys his school uniform!! Goes to his school meetings.. He has never done this for his own actual kids??! Can anyone explain..

  • Comment Link Shelby Friday, 02 September 2016 17:17 posted by Shelby

    My ex Narc has our son. He has managed to make sure that I received nothing in our divorce except visitation. My heart breaks daily in this 3 year battle. Recently, he has cut out 2 of his four children (2 from the marriage prior to ours). They are currently 16 and 12. They don't understand why he has done this and blame his current fiance. I know the truth. Part of me wants them to see it, the other part wants desperately to shield them. I'm only the ex step mom so it's not up to me. This narc and his family have completely devastated all of our lives. There is no limit to his games.

  • Comment Link Stephanie  Anderson Tuesday, 23 August 2016 04:25 posted by Stephanie Anderson

    I found out my husband told my 9 year old(that is from my previous marriage) that if he and his older brother don't cooperate and comply then he was going to take the younger kids and go far away and my older kids would never see them

  • Comment Link sandra Thursday, 11 August 2016 02:18 posted by sandra

    This was like reading my life for the past 7 years! Down to the fine details. Only we had Christmas gifts for one and not the other. Another year an expensive gift for one son and a used rubiks cube in an old shoe box for the other. You can't imagine someone would do this - or think its funny - and that his girlfriend with her own children would go along with this. You can't image how crazy it gets until you live it. And playing the martyr!!!! The Drama! The poor me. And yes I foot most of the bills as a single mom. And before anyone judges me - Narcs tell you what you want to hear - present that charm to you until you have children and a mortgage then they split.

  • Comment Link tom Wednesday, 13 July 2016 15:49 posted by tom

    what about those dealing with a narcissist wife and a narcissist fem-boss at same time? i'ts been hell!

  • Comment Link Judy Powell Tuesday, 05 July 2016 08:56 posted by Judy Powell

    Mine is my mother. My very rich and powerful mother. I've lived with this my whole life and didn't know what it was until I was in my 30s and my children were teens. Sad part is I had raised my kids the only way I knew how. The way I was raised. I thought all parents were raising their kids that way. Then my 3rd husband told me my words were very hurtful and I actually heard him and realized it and started looking into it and turned to my faith. I changed and I told my kids I was sorry and I was trying to figure out right from wrong. For a while it was like I froze scared to correct them and not knowing when to and when not to. my mother always made sure I wasn't successful because that gave her control over me. She made me dependant on her money. Now I can't do the lavish things she can do with my kids. She definitely has a favorite. My oldest daughter. Shes the easiest to manipulate. Now my 19 year old son has moved in with her with his girlfriend and my mom is taking my daughter to visit colleges and my youngest feels unloved by her. It breaks my heart. She has convinced my children that I'm crazy. She's made them look down on me because I can't buy them things like she can or take them on trips to Boston and New Zealand. They don't understand why and look down on me. My oldest two now almost completely avoid me. It literally breaks my heart.

  • Comment Link Maureen MacNeill Tuesday, 28 June 2016 12:51 posted by Maureen MacNeill

    To anyone listening. I am co-parenting two teenage girls with a father that has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and possibly Borderline Personality Disorder. The girls are 13 and 15 and I am going through hell. I live in Austria, but am Canadian and have been stuck here for years without the support of my family because the girls' father dragged me through court for most of their lives trying to get custody. Just this week, my 13 year old told the social services she wants to pass on our annual trip to Canada to see my family and her sister who has been there a year, and she wants to live with her father. He bought her a dog in February because we found out she had been cutting herself since November, and now he is using it to mercilessly manipulate her. On her 13th birthday (May 24), he called her a characterless asshole and said he does not want to see her anymore because she did not show up to his place on time...and said she does not deserve the dog and that he is sorry for all the time and effort he spent on her. She was devastated, stayed at mine for three weeks, but two weeks ago missed the dog so much she went there and half an hour later wrote me saying she wants to fly to Greece for a week with her father (during school)...I had to say no and now she is doing this. It is heartbreaking and I keep thinking of abandoning ship and moving back to Canada. I fear he will get the girls there more than half time then go after my income...he is not working and hasn't paid for years and I have a good job. Then I would be stuck in a foreign country, alone, working my ass off to fund the party at his place. help...advice??

  • Comment Link Amanda anderson Friday, 27 May 2016 03:57 posted by Amanda anderson

    My girls are upset that their dad hates women when they turn a certain age and are worried what message that sends to their brothers. It breaks my heart.

  • Comment Link Nika Tuesday, 24 May 2016 02:42 posted by Nika

    I have just recently discovered that for the past 19 years, I have actually been through this kind of abuse...I just didn't have a name for it until now and have never been able to adequately articulate to anybody what I was going through. Indeed people who don't truly understand this kind of twisted abuse don't fully get it and it's very hard to talk to people about what you're going through because you have inner scars and not out scars...(but me defending myself against it in the wrong ways eventually lead to violence).

    I too had been deceived to think that abuse was the kind that left scars and had a VERY hard time trying to explain to my ex how I felt about the things he would do to me, or how he would talk to me, or how he would treat me in front of the kids; basically all matters that I brought to his attention were redirected back on me and I have been continually told that "that's my opinion" or "my interpretation" and been basically made out to be the one always overreacting or crazy. At first I thought that since we have boys, their closeness with him(especially my oldest son) was just because he was dad and I was mom and they could relate more. But the more I research and the more I recollect the past few years, I see that it has been A LOT of charming and coercion and him painting himself in the light of being super awesome and funny and charming. And every time a conflict arises between us, he uses my oldest son in some way form or fashion. I mean he has a way of making himself famous in our kids eyes. He will tell them I can't take a joke when he teases me, when they were little he would belittle my disciplining them and mock me making a joke of what I was telling them to do, which over time has made me have to work VERY hard to just get them to do what I say. I would point out how different they act with him than when they're with me and he wouldn't acknowledge it and gloat about how, "they don't do that with me....I don't play that." He always tells them how women are crazy and blow my anger at them or my laying down the rules as me being crazy and too serious. ...and saying, "you know your mom is throwed off." Nobody in my circle understands how inadequate I have felt as a mom and how much I have defending myself to my own children. There has definitely been a lot of alienation and he will often throw in my face how close he and the oldest are and how fabulous and deep their closeness is and how deep their relationship is. He projects on them so much that I can hear his voice coming out of their mouths sometimes. He has made them feel totally sorry for him in so many ways that it is as if I'm the bad guy for bringing up anything I have a problem with or for standing up for myself when he tries to run my household or the way I want things done in my household management. He has crossed all sorts of boundaries, but as usual I'm "trippin" in his eyes and my kids.

    This abuse and manipulation has been ongoing and even worse now that he is actively pursuing to be the full-time parent, which I know is nothing more than him being his controlling self. Everything with him is about control while painting a water-colored picture of him being the model dad and an accommodating co-parent. He manipulates our relationship and uses me n so many ways; sometimes it makes my head spin when I finally wake up and realize I'm being continuously duped. I have tried so many times to go no contact, but somehow someway it seems I'm sucked back in and taken for a loop all over again.

    He is Mr. Nice Guy to everyone and I think he is even trying to charm my lawyer. Ultimately being with him full-time is really not the best thing for my children and while nobody seems to see that but me, I will fight and keep fighting if I have to.

  • Comment Link Iryland Monday, 09 May 2016 19:34 posted by Iryland

    My ex is a psychopathic narcissist to the "T" and even more difficult is that he is also a police officer. (I've read that there is a high correlation between cops and narcissists). We have two children, my daughter has always been his favourite while he ignored or even seems to despise our son. It's been two years and the court battle continues, plus because he's a cop, he doesn't seem to have any consequences . . . yet! I'm still holding out faith & hope this will change. I am not sure how to go about letting his true colours shine in court. He lies and manipulates but no one ever seems to catch on. Any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Jenni74 Saturday, 07 May 2016 05:05 posted by Jenni74

    I empathize with so many of you here..I have been divorced for 13 years and have not realized that this behavior in divorcing families was so prevalent..everyone of you have written my same ex relationship story..I will say prayers for everyone of you when I pray for my family and children as well. I just can not believe some of the stuff I'm reading happens...Its so horrible....and my ex husband has been lying and calling the cops on me for years on and off as well..He's really so emotionally abusive. It really is so horrible what happens and the abuse some of us go through. I hate to say I'm glad to hear these stories because they are horrible but it is comforting to know there are others in the same boat.

  • Comment Link KA Friday, 29 April 2016 19:11 posted by KA

    This message is for Ron who posted on Monday, April 25:

    I felt like I just read something that could have been written by my boyfriend and his two children about his ex wife who has basically abandoned them.

    She is an educator, she filed for divorce - probably hoping one of her loves would wait on her. Alcohol, painkillers, same story. Lies, debt, suicide attempt, lies about my boyfriend through the marriage and divorce, it's taken some time for people to understand that he wasn't the abuser or bad person.

    She fought for custody, it turned out to be 50/50 and she remarried a guy 12 years old 6 months after she met him.

    I am in disbelief still that she wants no contact with her kids and is an educator. She too has blamed everyone but herself. Child alienation, the kids have no rights she is the mother and they will do what she says.

  • Comment Link Ron Monday, 25 April 2016 13:12 posted by Ron

    Its really sad that the majority of sites that deal with Narcissistic partners are written in the favour of the female. I do not know what the statistics are but i am male and have been through the most awful and shocking things that have been bought down on myself and children over many many years by my ex wife. Only after the divorce did we as a family discover that her disorder was a Narcissistic one.
    Its shocking that not one single councilor ever picked up what the true problem was until after she dissapeared leaving and and my children to guess where she was holed up.
    Only then when recieving help as a family unit with a very special councilor did i and my children learn exactly just how we had been controlled through fear and threat for so long and why. Empathy is truly a key word and how a mother can leave her children and cut off all that went before with them is part of the way in which she still continues to hurt and harm from a distance. It is not only men that should be discussed as being Narcissitic it is both men and women that are capable of such horrendous acts against their partners.
    I and my two lovely children lived through fake suicides, a hundred other male interests in her life , lie after lie after lie after lie and each and every lie put out was down to me and me alone. Debts built up in secret and a life long over the counter painkiller addiction nobody could stop. We lived with a true expert in deception who could convince, and has done that i and my two children are the most evil people that walk the planet.
    Details on just what we have done though remain unexplained but when some one insinuates bullying and abuse from a partner they are tarred with that for the rest of their lives ? I am blessed that my children know the truth and we are all living in a form of peace today the like of which we have never known in our lives. I do not care how many friends and neighbours were contacted in secret and fed really quite horrific stories about myself of which not a single one was true.
    In all these years she had not one single female friend but in the later years went after my own personal male friends which hurt a great deal.
    Its easy to do this stuff to those that love you, care for you and have genuine empathy for you?
    Thats why we still hurt today and perhaps will forever hurt to a degree. I divorced her but my children cannot divorce a mother can they? In that way she know she can keep the hooks in even though she will talk to neither of them and has not for 4 years now. I would never stand in their ways to try and they have to no avail. Only the Police could at least stop the texts being sent to my children from her place of hiding (to make it look as if she was in fear of me) threatening self harm and drug overdoses !! This is a Narcissist in its worst form terrifying her children to force them into accepting her attention needs whilst having no intention whatsoever as at any time in the past of doing herself any harm at all. Their are true victims to these evil people who would steal and take from those closest to her and they are the other family members. Nobody helps us and very few can understand the huge affects and life changing events these monsters bring for their families. Almost bankruptcy by hiding huge debts and then after repairing that damage over some 10 years with oh so believable promises not to do these things again steals from us all in secret, takes our personal belonging and makes us technically homeless whilst she has set up her own accomodation before the plan is launched?
    Do what you like to me but your children . 4 years on and the three of us are beginning to breath again. For us we had a sociapathic element that was attached to her Narcissistic problems which threatened my self anonomously via letters coming in? Denial and after denial to us , the Police, solicitors and her own blood family all made me seem a very unsavourey character that i and my children knew was totally false.
    Then she was caught red handed!!!!!!!!!!
    The only time in 30 years i ever managed to show this monster up for what she was and unbelievably with the absolute proof put in front of her she still tried her charms on to all trying to wriggle that one last time.
    She could not and for that the most awful shocking language any female could ever come up with came our way as her final last words and she is finally gone.
    You cannot just turn the tap of love off for someone and my kids never will be able to.
    Women are often able to hurt men far more where children are concerned as the courts will come down on the side of a mother more often than not. The way to hurt a dad is to use his children. Sadly for those that do one day when the children are old enough they see the truth but a Narcissist does not ever think that day will come. It does.
    When that day arrives the future for that parent and his kids is still full of all the love that was always there in the first place and is beyond imagination from then on.
    For my ex she has had a whirl wind romance and is getting married again. She has a new family with older children involved all of whom it seems are much nicer than her own flesh and blood. Hope it lasts and she has already left him once we are told!
    So articles on Narcissistic personality disorder i believe should to my mind be written to cover both sexes as i am certain having read much on this that its a 50/50 problem that exists.
    More should be written to help the victims of these people as little is.

  • Comment Link Gina Sunday, 10 April 2016 23:26 posted by Gina

    I have been married for 21 years. For the past 12 years my husband has not been intimate with me or would never go out to dinner or compliment me. I would always ask why he would go out to dinner or spend time with me. He neglects me and will never answer my questions and turns the conversation around so that it is my fault or tells me I need to stop this and I need to change. I don't know what I was suppose to change when I have been the parent that cared for our three kids, feeding them, taking them to practices, games, doctors, attended all school parties, homework, listened to them, cleaned the house inside and outside the house and worked. I was blamed for not working enough hours. My husband told my younger son that "your mom doesn't make enough money." Three years ago he wouldn't let me have money for myself or kids because our money goes only to bills. Whenever I wanted to buy make up or buy shoes for the kids, the money would already be depleted. I would tell him if he doesn't want to be with me or see a marriage counselor then we shouldn't be together. He would say, "Do what you want". I was told by a social worker to not deposit my whole paycheck in to our account so I could have some money for myself and kids. That made my husband mad and he started lying to the kids that I was not helping with bills and I was hoarding money. I still was paying bills and then he wanted receipts as proof. He started being super sweet to our kids and ignore me. He opened a new email so I wouldn't see anything he does or if anyone emailed him about kids things. I saw his iPhone on the counter and felt the need to go through it and saw he has been voice taping me and our arguments for the past 8 months. He will not work on our marriage. He tells the kids that I am the one that won't work things out. He lies and has withheld financial information from me and I keep finding out we owe more on bills than he led me to believe. I finally filed for divorce and now he is trying to say to the kids that I am abusive mentally and physically which is absolutely not true and this has been so hurtful to me to be with some one who is not the same person that I married and could turn on me Iike this. My kids can see some of his bluffs but I am just trying so hard to stay structured with them and I want so bad to get away from him at the same time.

  • Comment Link Renee Sunday, 03 April 2016 10:52 posted by Renee

    Thank you for writing. I am asking for suggestions in my own world. I was married 20 years. I was convinced that I was nothing, unforgiveable, not worth the effort & that there was nothing good left in me ( akso fat, ugly, no longer 21, a non contriibutor, worthless, usrless). My husband took away internet, computer, cable and land line. Then he never replaced broken dishwasher, clothes dryer, air conditioner... electricity turned off a few times. He never once fixed anything wrong with house or our marriage. When I filed, I was terrified. Now he is making my son believe life with him will mean no change and will be perfect. Already has told our son how much he "had" to give me since I haven't worked in a decade and my son says it's too much and asks if I'm saving? As you know this isn't all of it. I have blamed myself for years but when I started to believe him 100%, I realized what had happened.

  • Comment Link Ariel Tuesday, 29 March 2016 14:53 posted by Ariel

    I need guidance! I've been with my husband for 18 years. I'm a victim of emotional, financial and narcissistic abuse as well as our 2 children who are 6 and 8. I've been in therapy for 2 years trying to work with my dr. on either ways to cope with him and staying in the marriage or finding the courage and self esteem to leave. I want out, but my biggest fear is leaving my 2 young kids in his hands for half a week at a time without me there to protect them.

    I've talked to divorce lawyers and even my therapist says emotional abuse can't be proven in court, thus allowing him half time custody of the kids. I find all kind of information about leaving abusive relationships as a single woman, never anything about leaving it with kids at stake. Can anyone offer me any information about what to do in this situation!?

  • Comment Link Matt Tuesday, 29 March 2016 03:31 posted by Matt

    I agree and have been victim to a lot of the information in this article, however, I am a male. I realize this is a "Firstwivesworld" but I don't believe narcissism to be exclusively a male issue. The content was somewhat useful, but the delivery was considerably biased and as a proponent for equality I felt compelled to comment.

  • Comment Link Michelle Wednesday, 23 March 2016 20:47 posted by Michelle

    I,too, have been married for 20 years to a narcissist. I'm just now able to stop denying that I have been controlled and abused for the majority of that time. I have 3 kids who see it. I hope they are not ruined. I became very angry and bitter. But I truly feel that the anger and bitterness is going to destroy me. Therefore, I have to leave. I will count on the court system to do is job and I will completely distance myself the best I can. I hope you can too. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Amber Sunday, 28 February 2016 05:03 posted by Amber

    I have been married to a narcissist for 20 years! I am beyond miserable feel like Im nothing and know that if I leave him he will continue to make my life a living hell!! Unfortunately I will never be able to only think of myself as he does so I cant just pick up and leave I have 6 children at home (who are also suffering with all of this) i have become a very angry person through all of this! Please someone help me!

  • Comment Link Lilly Tuesday, 09 February 2016 11:32 posted by Lilly

    I cannot believe it - this describes my life to an actual T. We were never married, but together for 4 years, had to beautiful sons out of the relationship. Now 9 years down the line I'm still fighting him every single day of my life. It's so true what they say about him using the kids as trophies - he goes around telling everyone he's a single dad and supports the kids 100%, but back at the ranch - he doesn't even pay the school fees. He favours the one son more as he's sporty and will buy him things - for he's birthday he will get vouchers for sporting things, while my other son is left with nothing as he hates all kinds of sport. I've tried co-parenting, but it just never seems to work - he wants more time, but when the kids are sick etc then they get dropped off by me. I just wish there was a way to expose his ways - when we're with mediators, social workers, lawyers - then he's so sweet and innocent.
    What do I do????

  • Comment Link Emily Burris Friday, 05 February 2016 16:14 posted by Emily Burris

    I am dealing with my ex; his mom took my son to a "birthday party", really to his father. At that point I lived in his moms apartments to save money, I trusted her. I came home he was in my bedroom in the apartment and he called the police on me then continued to have me arrested saying I physically attacked him. I tried to take my son from the apt. and other two children he grabbed my keys and would not allow me to leave. Then somehow I was thrown into jail and had a restraining order on me not to enter the property of his mother. So my children and I became homeless in one night while he also kept the baby for over a month until we went to court for him; he was still a breastfeeding prior to the month. His father and I have 50/50 one yr. later his dads lawyer still cancels court for the final hearing. I watch him most of his days and am stuck 8 hours from my closest relative. Any ideas on how to handle this situation? I was lucky to find a job that can work with the crazy drop off and pick up schedual but it pays nothing.

  • Comment Link Tired Mom Wednesday, 27 January 2016 22:11 posted by Tired Mom

    I am dealing with this monster daily. I am currently going back to court after five years of him not doing his part with the kids. (stressing them out about missing their activities they have worked hard to be a part of ) He doesn't follow court orders so really I don't know why I am even spending the money again. Court orders say he has to take them to extracurricular activities or let me know he can't so I can. He tells my 13 year old Daughter that God doesn't like her playing softball and she may go to hell. I was suppose to go to court 1/20/2016, but his attorney got it pushed off til 5/5/2016. So now we go through the entire softball season with him angry I'm taking him to court and taking it out on her. If you have any advise for my upcoming court date, I would appreciate it. All the sudden since I served him, he has signed kids up for counseling, horseback riding, piano and Wednesday night church youth programs. I know this is his way of looking father like before court, but kids didn't ask to do these activities. He wanted to tie up Saturday's to keep her from playing softball, her love.

  • Comment Link Kelley Wednesday, 27 January 2016 20:10 posted by Kelley

    I wish I would have found this type of information about 9 years ago when I went through this with my narcissistic ex. The hard part is that my children are considered adults now and from time to time my ex is still able to manipulate them. I hope to find information that can help me to help them now. I am so tired, I really thought this would be over when they became adults but when I hear one tell me "dad helped me with this, but I gotta do this for him" I cringe...

  • Comment Link Karyn Wednesday, 16 September 2015 17:25 posted by Karyn

    This is a very helpful article. It can be extremely frustrating dealing with a narcissist.

  • Comment Link Karina Sunday, 02 August 2015 06:01 posted by Karina

    Please add me!

  • Comment Link Jaime Martinez Tuesday, 21 July 2015 04:24 posted by Jaime Martinez

    i'm dealing with a narcissistic ex.

    i am glad a found this "term" is it a legal term? anyway the ex is female, always thought she was more of a "munchausen by proxy" candidate. your article is right on the money.

    her first attempt of denying my parenal rights back fired. i went pro-per and kind of got my parental rights. i had to keep a journal for her court violations.

    her second attempt failed again, this time i was granted more of my 50-50 joint custody new modification court. holidays, vacation etc.
    both of us have custodial custody.

    mother has physical custody. i have our daughter every other weekend plus two days during the week for homework and library time then she goes home.

    3 weeks ago i filed a police report for child abuse. mother slapped our daughter on the face 5 times.
    this happened after we modified existing order 2 months ago.

    i'm very concerned that i must now ask for full custody. i dont want to lose my daughter to the system. she's 7 yrs old.

    read horrifying stories of children being granted to molesters, abusers etc.
    who are protected by failed court system and decent parents chastised.

    since the beggining my intention was never to separate daughter from mother even though i had her 80% of the time when we first appeared in front of the court.

    there are some men that give us dad's a bad name.

  • Comment Link Jacqueline Costadura Thursday, 02 July 2015 00:24 posted by Jacqueline Costadura

    Michelle... I'm glad to find another mom who understands the pain we suffer FOR our children.
    This is much more different than hurting for ourselves.
    Moms (yes - this is a gender biased epidemic of the victimization of fathers having to pay child support) are losing full custody to abusers. Then the courts protect the abusers and punish a protective mother. They have been given a list of things to cause you to look inept and they are good dads. I'm dead inside from all my ex and his lawyers WITH turning my eldest (not his) daughter against me. He bought her a house, car, etc..while she lied to me about court and his allegations. The last time I had my youngest was 2010. The few times we visited. She tried hard to get me to help her. The eldest went back and told the ex. Now she won't talk or text me. I was "allowed" to see her for a couple hours on Mothers Day. She would barely look at me or interact. When she left she didn't even say goodbye. The next day my eldest said her sister saw me taking xanax and I was drunk. ??? Then I heard Brook thinks your a drug addict and wants nothing to do with you. She closed by saying I'm really not that interested in a relationship either.
    This crazy ex flew up to see my long lost family and told them he didn't know why I would never see our daughter. (WTF). Then he topped it off by investing in some real estate deals with them. They have shunned me.

    I wake up in middle of the mornings thinking I'm back home on my couch waking up to get my daughter.

  • Comment Link Michelle Wednesday, 20 May 2015 17:31 posted by Michelle

    I appreciate this post. I'm currently facing a custody battle with my narcissistic ex husband. We have been divorced for a year and a half and I've been there every step of the way for my girls even attempted to argue with him about being a better Dad (which, I will never do again..pointless). He's admitted to me that he has more of a connection with my oldest daughter and struggles to find one with my youngest. My heart breaks for both of them. He recently got married and now wants the girls on a one week on one week off schedule and wants the court to order him to pay zero child support. I try hard to be strong but for the past 10 years he has told me I am nothing without him and that I need him and he will take my girls from me. On a positive note, I have documented everything since my divorce. All the times he didn't show up, all the music lessons he said he would pay for and never did, and all the arguments. He is trying to tell the courts I have a previous history with drugs and alcohol and I am depressed and unstable. He is so smooth and I feel like he can make anyone believe him. I don't care about money, he can have it. I just want my girls to be happy and healthy. I hear him in my head every time I start to feel confident telling me that he will win and he will take my children. Being with him has changed me. I'm no longer the woman I used to be. I have no confidence or self-esteem. I have let someone put out my flame. The hard thing is, is that nobody understands. I feel so alone. I'm glad I found this page. Again, thank you.

  • Comment Link sandra olson Tuesday, 05 May 2015 23:54 posted by sandra olson

    my husband is like this. he has been torturing me for years, when he cheated, he had my child say to me ,, no wonder he cheated on you,, look at you, who would want you. these were the identical words he said, it goes on and on,, what I am concerned with is how to protect her from his further manipulations, she is not his child, she was eight when we married, he used to sit with her and mock and degrade me,, finally I told him to stop it, he said with some surprise, whats the matter, no sense of humor, I have almost nothing to do with him now. I set boundaries, and I keep them. I am just worried about the damage he has done to her, any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Rachael Walden Thursday, 02 April 2015 04:01 posted by Rachael Walden

    Wow, I have been divorcing my narcisitic ex for almost 5 years but wanted to leave much sooner. It wasn't until he was arrested that I thought I would be able to get custody of my kids and defeat his display of self greatness. Yes, it's now on record he was convicted for several fraudulent acts. I took my moment and got out. He took any money I had, fraud credit in my name, spent lots of money on prostitutes all while he played the perfect father and spouse. I was the crazy "B...." That no one could get a long with, It is still a battle for my sweet children who praise this man. It is very difficult to deal with his manipulation of the kids......I am always the bad guy, I was the one cheating (not), I am the reason he got arrested,I am friends with the cops, the counselor is just on my on and so on. It was my fault the house was sold etc... I was able to show his attempts at alienating me from the kids. It worked to some extent but I just try to stay strong and consistent and pray a lot! My now 14 year old daughter has suffered greatly and has such a strong hate for me. She was always a go getter, bright and out going. Her father attempted to just gain custody of her and treated her lavishly compared to our other 2 children. I believe he did this so he could take credit for all of her accomplishments. He has lessened his attention to her as he now has a love interest to boost his narcisitic supply and now our 14 yr old is behaving very disrespectful to everyone and he wants her in counseling. I have to say I had her in counseling early on and initially it was good until she was taught to clam up or blame me for everything. My poor children I just see my 14 yr olds self esteem disappearing and it breaks my heart. I reach out and she pushes away. I just feel I can't give her what she needs and then you throw in normal life stresses in there and what a mess.

  • Comment Link coya Sunday, 22 March 2015 03:48 posted by coya

    be brave, bold and strong, gather suppory surround you.
    my experience, very important prayer and get god help you, give you vision to see the whole picture of narcissist. once before, we made mistake by not seeing the whole picture of him. now we have to see that clearly in order to protect kids wisely and boldly.
    narcissist has common weak personality, he test the water, do not let a single thing that he get away with you.

  • Comment Link Mickey Tuesday, 10 March 2015 17:26 posted by Mickey

    This is true on many levels. However, narcs love to "get even". They want to see you hurt. Heaven forbid that I stand up for myself or simply draw boundaries. In order to hurt me, he uses my son. All the things that we were forbidden to do is now ok for him to do with my young son. He has to call him nearly every day when his time is with me. He has to do things so the my son will adore him. I see through the farce and know that it is all a show. He makes doc appointments, tries to be involved in everything he does while trying to exclude me. He is more effectie now that he is remarried because he has her do everything for him. I pray and hope that things will change. I think maybe if he doesn't see it hurt me, he will eventually get bored and move on. All I'm trying to do is be mom and raise my son...not win him. And I hope that this will stand in the end.

  • Comment Link Andy C Friday, 06 March 2015 17:01 posted by Andy C

    I am a single dad, primary custody (actually about 98%) dealing with an ex who does this. Kids are 11 and 9. She acts all wonderful around the kids in public but they want nothing to do with her in reality. She also happens to sign their report cards for school yet never helps with homework throughout the entire year. They have stopped wanting to spend time with her because she rarely does anything with them except make excuses. She's just fake and the kids are starting to see her for who she really is and I am so happy for that.

  • Comment Link Chris Burgmeier Thursday, 26 February 2015 21:14 posted by Chris Burgmeier

    This story has been the same as my divorce but this article seems to be pointed at men? It seems more fit to use the word (them) not him. Are women considered to have these traits to?

  • Comment Link Dona McIntyre Tuesday, 10 February 2015 17:25 posted by Dona McIntyre

    After years of being abused and hurt and discarded and then allowed back into my sons life - I have slowly realized he is a narc. The pain is incredible, the relief of finally knowing what is wrong is bitter sweet. I have likely been discarded for the last time although his wife is pregnant with their second child so I may be needed for his ego one more time and will have a few months to think about how to protect myself or just see the baby and then never see him again - I don't know - it is, a crippling time, and I am in no contact mode right now but don't know if I will be strong enough to stay away from Baby but know just like the first child I will not really see him. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. I was played with mentally for years - rejected then allowed back. In 2012 I was discarded for 5 months - I ended up in pych ICU I had never felt such pain. I slowly recovered and then I was needed as supply again and now I am no longer needed and feel my time has probably run out as I don't have anything to offer. No money, my son has two married sets of Grandparents with money and time and I am a single parent with very little. I am really going to work on this. Some times I am strong and some times I just break down and the pain comes in waves. I loved my son so much and now I no I don't really have a son.

  • Comment Link ihvtwns Saturday, 07 February 2015 19:04 posted by ihvtwns

    I need people's opinion on how to go about the 5 or 6th custody hearing. My kids dad moved back after being gone and missed all the girls developmental time. He is biploar has been section 302 and he has drinking and drug issues. He moves around the block from us last dec 2013 and we tried to get in a routine where he could see the kids and transition them in. Well he wasn't happy with things so he took me back and asked for 1x a week for dinner and 1x a week for overnight and 1 sat into sun a month. Well he doesn't even see him as per his request a few months ago and now he serves me with papers again because he wants shared legal stating I did not talk to him about putting the girls in mental health therapy as it was something they needed because they were only getting worse with visits, peeing at school on occasions just started Kindergarten etc. FOund out one of the twins has a sensory processing disorder and the other is getting tested as well. I want to just ask for FUll custody. By the way I have SOle legal so I don't have to ask him for permission but I did tell him of their struggles then shared that they are in therapy. He has to do play therapy as suggested by the doc and he isn't happy about it and so files for a custody hearing. HELP

  • Comment Link Danica Gale Friday, 06 February 2015 14:35 posted by Danica Gale

    The author states "or the non-narcissistic spouse). Let's not be critical :) it happens in both genders :(

  • Comment Link Cori Z Thursday, 05 February 2015 00:48 posted by Cori Z

    This is a great article however this problem is not just limited to mothers. There are many dads that are also suffering from the cruel behavior of narasicstic moms. My husband has dealt with this issue for years. He has always danced to the demands of his sick ex. He has even agreed to take on full custody of his son (without the legal label of full custody). One day she decided to drop him off at 7 years old. She disappeared immediately after dropping him off at 7 and returned back into his life two years later. This is when the brainwashing started. She would mail letters, morbid drawings and call him in class. She would contact his teacher & school administrators claiming parental alienation. She even convinced his son that my husband forced her to drop him off at 7 years old to live with us. He is now a senior in high school and refuses to bond with us no matter how hard we try. She has convinced him to perform poorly in school so that my husband looks like he failed as a parent. He still lives with us but refuses to interact with us. Its really sad because my husband gets blamed for her abandonment, inconsistent parenting and refusal to be responsible.

  • Comment Link Andrew gunter Monday, 22 December 2014 01:25 posted by Andrew gunter

    I am a father who has custody of my son who is now 16 and my ex wife who abandoned him at age 5 now wants back into his life. He is not dumb and thinks very logically and knows exactly what she has done to him. His wounds are still open and she is trying to buy her way into his life. After visiting with him I have to pick up all the pieces and all of those wounds start bleeding again. I want to protect him from hurt, but I don't know what to do. She does not understand just how deeply what she did to him has harmed him.

  • Comment Link Kellie Preston Friday, 19 December 2014 00:25 posted by Kellie Preston

    Put together perfectly. Just perfect. You're ability to capture everything and simply lay it out there is fantastic. It feels nice to know that there are other moms dealing with the EXACT same attitudes. It's like handing your children over to a teenager, right? Thank you for this article! It was a great read!

  • Comment Link D. C. Tuesday, 09 December 2014 15:51 posted by D. C.

    Im a little disturbed by this article. Im having a very similar issue with the mom in this case. After a little thought, I realize that the roles are all too often reversed. While the world wants to see the man as the bad guy, or the narcissist, or the abuser, there is a different world also, where the female is the abuser, the narcissist, and is falsely accusing the male.

    Costing thousands of dollars for legal fees and countless hours defending against false allegations.

    I suppose I am more taken aback because I have seen two lifetimes of the exact opposite, where the female has been the actor or aggressor...yet it is so easy to blame the man, and everyone wants to believe its the man who is at fault...

    Finally, I realize there are a kot of men portraying this role, but there are many women portraying this behavior who will falsely accuse their ex, and will use help groups such as this to bring their fury on their ex all the while, posing as a victim.

    No one deserves to be treated poorly, and no one should have to face issues like this.

    Please be careful of whom you help because not all of the victims are the victim...

  • Comment Link Kristin Monday, 08 December 2014 16:04 posted by Kristin

    Excellent tips. Mine is in that charm phase now, where he gives the kids anything they want to prove they never had need of a mother. She was only a baking oven (after 20 years of raising them) so I just needed to be reminded this is "normal" behavior for him. It's exhausting!

  • Comment Link smurfette Thursday, 04 December 2014 14:37 posted by smurfette

    I have been going through this for many years. 14 or more with my ex husband of now 4.5 years. Now he is doing all this with my children. He is not involved parent he says he coming or doing things and cancels. He has been with this woman he is with for 3 years. I respect she has been good with my kids but in the course of their courtship htye have broken up 7 times and each time he breaks up with her he has no time for our children. It breaks my heart. The last incident he did not talk to my kids for 3mths. I try to keep him seeing kids but he makes it hard. He tries to blame me but it is not totally me. He promises them time and he never follows through and then just disappears and enver calls and comes back like nothing happen and blames me. He wants to seem them every other weekend from fri to saturday but everytime I said okay to that it never works. My daughter has dance every friday and my son will have baseballs games etc on Saturday so I tell him hwen you have them you need to keep to their routine and take them to dance or games etc. He refuses as it interefers with his schedule. Like how hard is it to be involved with your kids activities. I dont ask much but for him to grow up and be responsible father and involved dad. But it never happens. My kids and mainly my 12 year old son is emotionally torn over this. I hate to see them hurt and sad, itmakes me so angry. Now all of sudden he is back again with this woman after 3mth break up after they got married abrubtly in April and separated 4mths later. But that not issue, now he tells my son he gonna take me court for partial custody. Meanwhile has not spoke to them since end of July and came back in November. He has given me sole legal custody at the time of our divorce. He voluntarliy gave that up. My kids are doing well with school and all and all this emotional drama I dont want to affect them. My son gets upset with these conversations. My daughter is 8 and barely seen him and has not too much emotion towards all this. My son been though too much.

    Sorry if any of this makes no sense. I am just so upset. My son is a senstive boy and hurts me when he is hurting and confused and torn.

    All I want is my ex to do the right thing but he rather punish me and play the victim.

    Oh also he has history til this day of cocaine abuse.

    Wish I knew best way to handle this. I just have no respect for my ex and belive me it is not easy to get along with him.

  • Comment Link Anonymous Wednesday, 26 November 2014 13:16 posted by Anonymous

    Thank you for this article, it has taken me many years to realize that my ex is a narcissist. I have kept journals of his behavior for years, but the courts sucked up his very emotional pleas...and swore that I was reading my life history when I read this article

    I have cried many nights over the abuse my kids have endured because of my ex and their stepmother, but I got a double whammy, his wife is a narcissist as well and encourages his behavior.

    I honestly believe that the Courts need to be better equipped with personality disorders such as this, and honestly I have begun to hate going before a women Magistrate, because they fight so hard to get into a position of power in a man's world and then role over and fall for the biggest trick in the book by any narcissist

  • Comment Link Anonymous Friday, 07 November 2014 06:58 posted by Anonymous

    I have been married for 8 years now, and we have a 2 year old. My husband has most of traits of narcissistic person, and I have only recently realized how damaging his behavior is for me all these years, and only wish I had realized before I had my baby. I am pondering separation/divorce for my long term health and well-being. However I am worried that my partner will seek half custody of our child. I am afraid to leave my child with him even 50% of the time reading all the ill-effects narcissistic people have on the kids. I can't figure out if rather than separating and leaving my son to fend off for himself when he is with his father, is it better that I stay in this marriage so I can protect my child when my husband gets manipulative/abusive. It feels sad and helpless to think about the situation, and really no way out unless my husband grants me full custody. I really cannot guess what his response would be if I suggest separation. He has never gotten down to physical abuse yet, but I cannot gauge what turn the monster might take if it comes to divorce. Any suggestions on what is the best way to protect my child?

  • Comment Link Daily Thursday, 06 November 2014 16:19 posted by Daily

    I have been advised to begin a journal. Digging it all up and compiling it in one place has me paralyzed with fear. I know it can become empowering to go through all the words from past emails and documents. It could also be suffocating. Where and how do I begin? I know; only facts, no emotion, right?

  • Comment Link Leigh Thursday, 09 October 2014 13:46 posted by Leigh

    well i'm really sorry but to me (my personal opinion in reading this) I am disgusted . Look what i'm going through . 4 Years I haven't seen my 5 year old now . and reading this .. well please all just have a look. I'm a dad

  • Comment Link martina Saturday, 04 October 2014 21:31 posted by martina

    What a well written article! Thanks for sharing your insights. I'm still married to a narcissistic man. I gave him another chance after 5 months of separation because he promised to change his selfish ways but I'm starting to finally accept that he'll never love me and our two boys as much as he loves himself...some of the scenarios you described sound so familiar. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

  • Comment Link Alexis DiSantis Saturday, 04 October 2014 01:19 posted by Alexis DiSantis

    I am 32yrs old and (I hate to say I am a victim), I WAS a victim - target, of my evil sisters torture from the time I can remember, to this very day. The first incident I can remember as a child was my sister clawing her fingernails up her arm and screaming & crying for my parents. While i was getting yelled at, behind my moms back she had the most evil smile on her face. I have seen that same evil smile so many times in my 32 yrs. My sister wouldnt be allowed to take her car & go out when we were kids unless she took me with her. My parents owned a restaurant, and my dad was,(still is, ) a workaholic. So they had my sister look after me most of the time. One time when I was 11 and she was 16, she took me to an outside party where all her high-school friends were drinking and partying. She told me to drink these wine coolers and told me it was cool and to just have fun, well I don't know how many I had but I know she basically had me there to watch this little girl get drunk and laugh at me like a circus monkey. All I remember was her bringing 2 of her male friends over to me and watching them take my innocence away while she watched across from the other side of the bonfire smiling. I hear alot of stories where the narcissistic will threaten there prey to not tell or hit them if they tell, but honestly, she never did that. I guess because she was so cold and evil I always just knew better. I didn't say a word until a year ago. So so many things happened between then, but she ended up stealing my boyfriend from me when I was 15 and she was going to Temple university. She only wanted him because his parents were millionaire's. She has always only targeted men with extremely wealthy parents who thought she was literally sent from heaven! She would immediately attach herself to her boyfriends mother and cook together, and she always knew just what to say and how to act. The boyfriends would either catch her in a huge lie, or nor want a girlfriend who is acting like his mother. She would live with the guys parents so she had to keep her act going 24-7. Not only would she live rent free in a mansion, but her college was paid in full and they would take her on 5 star vacations all over the world. She worked part time as a secretary for his parents company. Now I really wish there was a way so us targets and victims could make people understand that narcissistic people are extremely hard to judge just by looking at them, and the way they look and act in public should be completely ignored. If you would ever meet my sister, and everyone who has met her is always impressed with her charm and personality. She is an C.F.O for a huge company, drives a Lexus, has no tattoos or piercings. She doesn't use foul language. And most everyone always not only likes her immediately, but often says she is one of the greatest people they have ever met! Ha! What she really is is Satan's whore! I have never been jealous of my sister and actually was excited to introduce her to my bosses of friends. But for some reason ill never understand, she had always been insanely jealous of me. I have worked full time since I was 15yrs old. I was a worker like my dad but I had alot of issues. I developed O.C.D at age 11. I really didn't care about anything and especially myself. Experimented with drugs and caught a pill habit. Opiates. I had my 1st child at 20yrs old. A girl. Her dad and I broke up a year after she was born and although she has tortured me my whole life, my true nightmare began when I decided I had to stay away from my sister. I never thought brainwashing someone was possible. But at this time and until last year, I was brainwashed. I had decided to cut contact with my sister because after years of my mom and her not speaking ( my sister was able to convince a judge at 16yrs old that my mom was crazy, abusive, and using drugs, & spending all my dads money. Truth was, my mom was always a stay at home mom, very into crafts, a Brownie leader, and the ideal mother. My dad wanted a divorce and Custody, and since my dad would always be busy and never home, and my mom would be constantly supervising us, my sister wanted to keep seeing this much older Guy, so she was able to convince a family court judge who is trained in being able to see threw children's lies, that not only did my dad get Custody, but my mom lost all Custody! It was cut and dry, no doubts. Evil! To be able to put your own mother out on the street with no job and no money and no kids, even though she was a great mother, all for my sisters own selfish reasons, is another example of the power these people have over others. I've said many times, my sister could rule the world if she wanted to) So my sister at age 21, slithered back into my mom & my life. I chose to go with my mom at 15yrs old. We were always the closest and I stuck by my mom throughout everything. I wasn't close with my dad at the time. I always felt he did nothing to protect me and my sister was the " golden child " he was so proud of. And I never felt good enough for him. Well anyway, now my mom has forgiven my sister ( her name is Rachael) myself and my daughters father and our daughter lived in a house we all rented with my mom. As time went on I could obviously see a difference in the way my mom acted towards me. My daughters father knew how I despised my sister but I never went into detail with him.( Probably because I
    didn't figure anything out till a year ago) So my boyfriend and I ended up splitting up. It was a friendly split. He was alot older than me and had traveled alot in the marines. I was 21, my sister now 27. Since he didn't work and I worked night's, we decided our daughter would sleep with him at his parents house a few blocks away on the 5 nights a week I worked. I was making great money bartending and got my own place because my Mom & I were always fighting. She would accuse me of things I wasn't doing all the time and the closer she got with my sister, the farther away she was my mom anymore. Sadly now, my mom who her & I went threw everything together, hardest times to loving memories, she is gone. My mother is lost and now Rachael's " minion" or " puppet" is all that I have left. What happened is my sister desperately needs her narcissistic fix, and even though I thought we went our seperate ways, she never stopped targeting me as the person she would always try to hurt and destroy. Now, I've done plenty of bad things in my life that there is absolutely no need to make anything up about me. But my sister had my mom convinced that I was a complete junkie prostitute their that stole from my sister and stole a daffier 24kt gold ring from my mom, which was the only piece of good jewelry she had. Even when I was younger, I was never the kind of kid who even took a dollar without permission! I have never been a liar or a theif! And I could never ever even consider stripping let alone being a prostitute! I was making great money bartending 5 nights a week. Even when I caught a pill habit for a couple years I never stole from anyone! As if losing my mother wasn't enough, she then went behind my back spreading her poison to my daughters father! Him & I went from being great friends and co-parents to one day out of the blue when our daughter was almost 5 yrs old, stop answering my calls. I would show up at his parents home and knock and no one would answer. Since then my sister has broken my heart by turning the 3 people I loved more than anything, far away from me without any cause of my own. Last year something had happened while I was talking to Rachael. We hardly ever spoke. During our conversation there was something ignorant she said obviously trying to get me into a fight with her. I didn't give her what she wanted and I just kept being nice & she got so furious and hung up. I don't no how, but it triggered something inside of me and piece by piece like a mental puzzle, everything became so clear to me. Every single thing she has ever done to me or said about me all just fell into place & opened my eyes. At first I couldn't believe what was happening and how anything like this WAS possible! I didn't know anything at the time about narcissistic abuse or anything! I just would say she was evil. I remembered how she tortured and ripped my innocence away from a little sister she was supposed to protect. All the years of the fights she would start and then after I would react, she would pretend she had no idea what happened. I was just crazy and attacking her out of nowhere. I sat there in shock for hours just in complete disbelief. Then, my next emotion I got furious and I literally was about to knock her the hell out! I have always been the strong one, always knew I could win a fight if ever need be, but......then, I realized the depth that she has gone, the carefully thought out plans, the comments placed into others heads slowly throughout the years, it was all for a purpose, and that was to destroy me and to leave me alone and confused without anyone. And then that's when my true feelings set in. FEAR Never have I thought I would be this close to, and worse, be a target, of actual pure evil. Like a demon after my soul is the best way to describe it. The next day I started looking up sibling torture, turning loved ones away from you, and that's when I read literally every single thing I could find about her mental disease. Reading it was so accurate to my experience that there should have been Rachaels picture on the pages. After a couple months, I turned to Jesus and begged for him to take away the heavy darkness I've been carrying inside my soul. To tanke my hatred and pain and negativity from me. Now me never before being a religious person, would never just say this unless it wasn't 100% true, and I don't care who doesn't believe it, but I swear, the very next day, it was like I felt a light switch turn on inside of me. That's how it felt. And to this very day, I have 100% mastered all of my emotions and I do not feel in anyway like a victim. I never thought I could be this amazing woman and mother that I can now say I am. It was a true miracle. Don't ask me why me? Because I don't know! But because of my awakening, I am stronger and happier inside than ever. I have a 4 ye old son who I have raised 100% without help from anyone. No father. And I am slowly learning all about God and Jesus completely from scratch with my son. In 2 weeks I have a court date to try and get my daughter full time because my ex has allowed our daughter to spend weeks at a time at least twice a year, unsupervised in another state with my sister. Lying and having my daughter keep it a secret for almost 8 years. My daughter has been turned against me with the help of my sisters 2 minions my mom &y ex doing her dirty work for her. My daughter will be 13 soon and lost all interest in school, she is a compulsive liar and master manipulator. She is a follower and has low self esteem. I caught her video sexting with a man in his 20s, 30s , who knows.... and saying and doing things no mother could imagine there 12yr old babygirl involved with. So now I need to just hope and pray that all my journaling and text messages from my daughter are enough evidence to get her out of her harmful environment I can't believe her dad has put her in, and legally put a stop to him putting our daughter right into the arms of a predator. My mom is beyond brainwashed and has given my sister all $80,000 of her settlement from an accident at work(my mom is 57 and capable of having her own money in her possession) , and has actually brought me to tears when she tried telling me how my sister has gotten herself where she is at all on her own without anyone's help! Wow! And my mom lived the actual reality. Its beyond sad. Also last week my mom accused me of stealing a white gold braclet that my sister gave her, even though I live 3 hours away and haven't been near her house in over 2 years! ! I haven't given up on my mom yet but I realize no matter what, my sister will always find away to mess with my head as long as I have my mom apart of my life and if I can't get a restraining order for my daughter. I can't believe how many court officials and even some psychiatrist don't know about these sick evil people. I hope I can save my daughter from a life of saddness and self destruction before its to late and my sister is successful in turning her against me forever. These people should be criminally prosecuted for there crimes against there victims. Killed someone suddenly and quick is more humane than a life long pattern of abuse and torture and violating your free will

  • Comment Link Alex Bird Thursday, 02 October 2014 05:10 posted by Alex Bird

    Need Help, I m a dad who just had a parenting plan written up Monday what should i expect from my ex girlfriend. i already had her sister not allowed at the exchanges and the time I get to spend with my daughter games have already started with her showing up half an hour early and starting the texting. thewho situation was odd because she refused to sit in the same room as me and the mediator had to run in between both rooms me in one her and her attorney in another.

  • Comment Link Phoebe nugent Sunday, 28 September 2014 16:18 posted by Phoebe nugent

    I'm in this situation as an adult daughter of "the Narc" that has my son perry and won't give him back. I'm poor, homeless, and hurt from 14 years of domestic violence and eventually drugs. I gave my son to someone whom ended up later killing my brother by giving him drugs after he got out of treatment. He has done the same to me. He sexually, emotionally, and physically abused me as a child. He was served with a restraining order after an incident when I was 13. I don't have the resources to get to court and let alone get my son back. I fear for my sons well being. I live in MA and my son is 10 so no program will take us. I have been in WV at my moms all summer so someone could vouch for my stability and wellness. I would do anything for help...ANYTHING. Perry deserves a chance to be safe and loved. He spent 2 weeks with me here and I was his mom and healthy parent. I need and will do anything for a chance for my son.

  • Comment Link jesdangab Saturday, 06 September 2014 11:55 posted by jesdangab

    why why why do these articles always assume the ex narcissist is the man? Narcisissm in a woman is far worse.

  • Comment Link Ex-husband and Kick ass Father Saturday, 06 September 2014 05:52 posted by Ex-husband and Kick ass Father

    I have to say that like many other articles on this site, this one expresses a very angry, unresolved bias about 'the ex-'. It is full of over generalizations and bile that continue to make divorce a harsh reality in children's lives. I quote Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction--'bitch, be cool.' And if you can't, ask yourself who the narcissist truly is in your case. Blaming others for everything...well that fits the profile.

  • Comment Link mardi Friday, 15 August 2014 03:13 posted by mardi

    It is so helpful to read this. Coping with this kind of situation is scary, lonely and confusing - especially when your child's love and emotional stability hangs in the balance. I have gone through a bad relationship, horrible custody proceedings and even worse fallout from dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. Thanks for this site!

  • Comment Link JD Thursday, 07 August 2014 22:09 posted by JD

    Is there any restrictions for a man dealing with an ugly divorce/custody battle from joining the site?


  • Comment Link Bell Tuesday, 05 August 2014 17:11 posted by Bell

    I'm a single mother of 3 beautifully amazing girls. I am 28 years old. I've pretty much been a single mother since day one, even while I wasn't sungle. My youngest daughters dad isn't the same as my eldest two. Two months into our relationship, we started arguing. Fights got worse as time went on. When we first got together, I opened out my heart to him. Told him everything! My weaknesses, family problems, my past mistakes! Pretty much told him about all the skeletons in my closet!! Little did I know he would turn around & throw them in my face. My family despised him. He was so selfish & rude. He came from a well mannered family. However; his parents catered to his sister & him. They were treated like royalty. Lacking the will to survive on their own. His parents are some the sweetest people ever! The worst of all is he treated his mom like dirt! He cusses her out, yells, and steals from her! He has a very very good job. Makes about $4,000 a month & PAYS NO BILLS! So to my purpose of this post. My mother & I haven't really had a mother daughter relationship. My grandparents & aunt raised me. I've always knew my mom didn't love me as much as my sisters & brother. But I didn't really let it get to me because I was loved by everyone else in my family! Especially my grandparents. Over the 6+ years of my relationship with my ex, I've had a restraining order against him for physically attacking me, violations of courts orders that went to trial, he's gotten major traffic tickets. Two of those were child endangerment due to him running stop signs while our child wasn't secured into her car seat! The list keeps going on & on! Details don't get any better. Last year our princess started kindergarten. Two weeks before she stared, he switched his work hours & moved back to Sanger. We had joint physical but I had sole legal. Despite my right to make decisions alone, I'd always inform her father & allow decision making to be mutual (if it could be). So in October of last year, my very own mother, somehow managed to befriend him. Since then she's gotten uglier & uglier with her vengeful games. I lost custody of my baby on February 3, 2014! This being the worst day of my life! I was at my breaking point! I had no idea what was going on! I was so so so confused as to why she's pressuring him to take custody away! Before she befriended him, he didn't care nor did he get her 50% of the time! He was only getting her about 18% of his court ordered visitations. Within 2 months of encouraging him that the children weren't safe with me, she managed to convince the stepmom of my eldest two that the girls weren't safe in my care & how worried she was for them! Boy that was the biggest stab to the heart. I asked her why she was trying to do this to me. Her response was, "because you're hanging out with Audrey & Annette!" Unbelievable!!! Damn right ridiculous! Audrey & Annette are her two youngest sisters. Sisters that she's always been jealous of. A competition for spotlight as to whose the favourite daughter, who has the best things in life, and whose children are the best of the best! As for me, I was the black sheep. A black sheep with the biggest heart I'm the world! Once I stopped allowing her to have control of my life, she's starting to use anything she could to win. She's threatened me with restraining orders for my little brother. She'll put me down continuously bragging how my sisters are both married & are teachers. How my baby brother is a straight A student & Athlete of the year. How she feels so bad for me cause I have nothing. She's beyond narcissistic! She tries to convince my daughters to move in with her. It's just incredible evil. I'm lost with the next step to get my baby back. Her fathers completely alienated her. She's scared to say she loves me back when I call her. It's heartbreaking! My narcissist mother has hurt others because of her need to be at the top! On June 8, 2013 at 2:26 am, my grandfather passed away. He & I were the closest of anyone in our family. A month prior to him sleeping with god, my mom opened a life insurance policy. My grandpa wasn't ready to give up. She was his Health Care Proxy. No one had rights to tend to his care. My aunts fought so hard to gain control but of course the evil queen still had control. She restricted access to foods& fluids for him. She went as far as placing him in a nursing home 30 miles away. That didn't stop anyone from being with him. I hate that he's not here but I'll always cherish the life we shared. He passed away on her birthday. I don't know if that means anything. As this is all going on, she's being admired for being the strong willed, caring daughter. The only daughter that stepped up. No one knew the truth. Within a week, she had my grandmother evicted from a home that my girls grew up in. In her mind, she's acting in the best interest of the Situation. My ex & her have a lot in common. They both buy their children's love. Use that as a weapon. Brag about all they do for their kids. Etc. etc. My baby wants to be home so much. I need advice

  • Comment Link Mary sullivan Saturday, 02 August 2014 15:48 posted by Mary sullivan

    My two children have completely turned against me I am in the middle of a tortuous court battle even to see them.i am in living he'll I haven't seen y daughter for 8 mths and my son sees me every 6-8wks
    Their father is very wealthy and he has manipulated both children into leaving their schools and enter into a boarding school .
    Has anyone ever heard of this or gone through it?
    Now the children are saying I was a nightmare to live with and was physically and emotionally abusive.

  • Comment Link casey Friday, 25 July 2014 17:39 posted by casey

    This is my story to the point! We go to court next month and I always had the kids he would just come pick them up here and there for an hour or 2 then would bring them home, which I had absolutly no problem with and its been this way for 5 years....then 6 months ago he got a girlfriend and decided 2 months later to marry her now he wants our kids his 50% of the time. Our divorce papers say shared parenting no child support (i didn't get a lawyer in our divorce just said if you love me you love me if you don't you dont he make double what I do so I couldn't fight). I then filed papers with the court to terminate shared parening plan since it has never been followed and for child support. Now he wants custody of the kids and says he isn't paying "me" a dime. And has turned our teenagers against me say "look what your mom is doing to me" and coaching them on all the times he has had them. How do you prove this to the court? Why must the courts drag this out?

  • Comment Link Gaynor Holmes Monday, 16 June 2014 09:54 posted by Gaynor Holmes

    Your article is absolutely spot on ! Im in court soon dealing my ex narcissist and every single thing that you have identified is exactly what he is doing! He's been doing this for nearly two decades....

    You have given me hope so THANK YOU!

  • Comment Link Hugo Rabson Friday, 21 March 2014 07:56 posted by Hugo Rabson

    Thank you for an informative, compassionate article. You've helped me to understand how to be a better father.

    I love that line: "It's not me; it's the court."

    When my daughter is old enough, she will understand what's really going on. For the moment, I'll do the best I can to protect her.

  • Comment Link SharP Friday, 21 March 2014 05:53 posted by SharP

    My ex argued in court for a fifty fifty split in child rotation. He would carry on in front of the judge. The judge granted him just shy of what he wanted. It was a lot of work: transportation, meals laundry etc. Very busy. Then one day the ex announced that he was moving an hour away because he doesn't see them enough any ways. Now he sees them four days a month and a few holidays. What was all that display in front of the judge for? When it got tough he cowardly bugged out. And yes I financially helped two through college. The ex just said that he would help if he just had the money too. Poor baby!

  • Comment Link jennifer Pew Thursday, 06 March 2014 04:25 posted by jennifer Pew

    And what do you do if the ex has made it impossible for you to get custody by buying new cars for the kids that are all teenagers?
    What do you do if the ex has not given you a dime in 6 months to live on and you the stay at home mom for 22 years got dropped by your lawyer for non payment and they never took him back to court to get him charged on all his violations?
    What do you do when your mother is put on hospice and then dies in the middle of all of all of this and you are back and forth to another state to spend her last couple of weeks with and then her funeral?
    What do you do when you try to settle with your ex and give up everything just so he won't charge a woman who has no job with child support you can't begin to pay him and the judge refuses to sign off on it because he feels you are being forced and coerced by his big time fathers rights law firm while you are unrepresented?
    What do you do when the judge forces you to find another attorney and you have to sign over your power of attorney and pay another 10 thousand on top of the 10 thousand you paid your last attorney who dropped you and he doesn't get in contact with you to prepare you for court?
    What do you do when your card is maxed from gas and groceries and your ex hasn't paid on it in 6 months and your bank account is 500 overdrawn and you will be reported to credit bureaus and you don't have a dime to even get to an interview if and when you get called to one?
    What do you do if you live in a tiny town and have been searching for 6 months in between flying back to deal with your dying mother and no one is interested in hiring a 45 year old woman with no experience?
    What do you do when your kids haven't spoken to you in 6 months, won't make eye contact with you and believe everything their father tells them that you caused everything and you are the bad one?
    What do you do when your ex is living with a former meth addict and current alcoholic and you don't want your children in that kind of environment but every lawyer tells you you don't have a chance if the kids say they want him?
    What do you do when you are pushed and prodded by not only your ex but the court system also and you just don't know which way to turn and hopelessness surrounds you so badly every day you just can't see much of a reason to go on at all?
    How do you help your kids when you can't even help yourself?

  • Comment Link Polianna Monday, 03 March 2014 13:32 posted by Polianna

    Thank you so much

  • Comment Link cloverheart Tuesday, 18 February 2014 00:13 posted by cloverheart

    Great article! Only part that doesn't quite ring true for me is the parenting plan part of it. The court really doesn't handle anything, I've found. You may have to go to court over and over again and file contempts with judgements that are never enforced unless (you guessed it) you file another contempt. It's really sad. So, I'm not just venting but if i had to do it over again I would've been WAY more aggressive in fighting for custody out of the gate. If he has a say in any of the kids decisions he won't be driven by what's right for the kids but by what will hurt or inconvenience you the most, he'll just use it as a way to continue to insult and abuse you. At least that has been my experience.

  • Comment Link Marye Friday, 14 February 2014 21:55 posted by Marye

    Divine - Video? Brilliant!!
    Molly - Yep. understand. Deal with some of that too.

  • Comment Link TheDivineComedy Thursday, 13 February 2014 04:17 posted by TheDivineComedy

    Ladies, if I had had the foresight and technological prowess, I would have videotaped the narcissistic tyrant in the 80s, 90s, and used the cell phone video in the 2000s. Now, for me, it is too late. Take heed: Do write the diary/journal entries, but also record his behavior for the courts to witness. Bingo.