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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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Whether or not you are actually living with a narcissist you need to develop some coping strategies to keep you from melting down when you have to deal with him.

One: Narcissists Don’t Choose Losers

When you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for any length of time you begin to wonder why the narcissist chose such a loser. After all, he is intelligent, charming, brilliant, and popular and you?

Ocean sludge.

Well, here’s a secret that your narcissistic spouse does not want you to know. Narcissists don’t choose losers are victims, they commonly choose only the best and the brightest. You see, the narcissist wins by taking a person who is confident, attractive, and successful and tearing them down over a period of time. There’s no challenge in a needy person.

An intelligent, beautiful woman goes along with what the narcissist sees as being a necessary part of his life. You are a trophy for him to hang on his wall. He’ll always go after someone who is better educated, has a higher social status, makes more money, or is attractive enough to get him noticed. It’s even better if she is all of those things in one package.

So, oddly enough the mere fact that you’ve caught the attention of a narcissist attests to your above average abilities.


Two: Take Back Your Confidence

There’s no time like the present to take back what your narcissistic spouse or ex-spouse has stolen and it all starts with regaining your confidence.

If you are going to try to remain married to a narcissist you’ll need to be able to wear that confidence to deflect all of the arrows that he is going to be shooting at you. It’s what he does and it’s probably not going to stop. Having confidence allows you to look at what he’s saying and see it for the lie that it is. Confidence will also allow you to remain calm in the midst of an argument when he is using a tactic like gas lighting to break you down.

Three: Channel Your Inner Queen

One thing that we tend to do for the narcissists in our lives is to give them the best. I can’t tell you how many meals I have skipped so there would be enough food for everyone, or how many pleasantries I’ve given up to “bless my husband”. I now have a particular hatred for those words and the blog posts that contain them.

It’s time to draw the line to servant-hood in this case and it’s going to cause some major friction. Give yourself permission to sweep the cream off of the top once in a while. This can be a lot more difficult than you might think because you’ve gotten in the habit of always taking the crumbs that were left after he feasted. When you let yourself take the best once in a while you’ll be reminded that you are important – just as important as he is.

Four: Walk Away from Temper Tantrums

Anger is never fun to endure no matter who is displaying it but a narcissist has a special gift of anger that is more intimidating than anything I have come up against.

It doesn’t have to be spoken – he can get a look of disgust on his face that will make you want to fall through the floor, or he can give the evil eye to end all evil eyes. A narcissist has the ability to make your stomach churn just by walking into the room in a bad temper. It doesn’t take long to want to do anything that will relieve the horrible pressure of his mood.

Learn to walk away.

A narcissist will lose his temper over being corrected, being disagreed with, or because the wind ruffled his hair the wrong way. Losing their temper is one way that they control you and it is important for you to break that cycle.

Walk away, leave the house, or roll your eyes and ignore him because a response only gives him power.

Five: Don’t Argue                                                                                                                                                                                        

When a narcissist gets into an argument he will lose all sense of right and wrong. He’ll make wild accusation, crazy statements, and use words out of context. His whole argument will be confusing and incomprehensible if you refuse to be intimidated by the big words he is throwing around.

There is no point in responding. Again, walk away. Staying and trying to get him to listen to reason is a waste of time. You don’t have to prove your opinion to him or anyone. Besides, he already knows you are smarter than him or he wouldn’t have been attracted to you in the first place, remember?

Do the things that make you happiest. Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: mikebaird

Six: Maintain or Re-establish Your Independence

One of the first things that the narcissist will try to remove from your life is any sense of independence. It’s important that your retain this or re-establish it if you’ve let it go. Take an afternoon and go do something for yourself, take a class, or get a part-time job if you are a stay at home mom.

Do what you need to do to make yourself feel fulfilled and happy.

Seven: Don’t Victim Blame

It’s not your fault, period.

Sometimes we get in the habit of blaming ourselves for something the narcissist has done. Don’t fall into that trap. Victim blaming is a nasty habit some people have picked up in order to give themselves the false sense that if they do everything right they’ll never become a victim – nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissists will always create drama, they will always blame someone else for what they do, and they will always try to convince other people that the fault is someone else’s’. They may even take partial blame if it means that they can shift it to someone else more easily.

Eight: Don’t Trust a Word They Say

Narcissists are so comfortable lying that they lie about things they have no reason to lie about. If you ask them what color their socks are they’ll tell you pink when it is obvious to everyone that the socks are blue. Lying and deception are their primary languages.

Always take a look at check stubs and receipts and check the date to make sure they are the right ones. Surviving a narcissist means watching out for yourself and making sure that you do not become the victim of another one of his deceptions.

You Can Survive a Narcissistic Relationship

You can survive a narcissistic relationship as long as your remember that such relationships are toxic and you can’t treat the narcissist like the nice guy down the street. Keep your wits about you and you’ll do fine.

Share your experiences with others who have been through similar things. Join First Wives’ World today and learn more about how others have dealt with your situation and lived to tell the tale.

Lead Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, User: yausser

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  • Comment Link Nicky Saturday, 31 March 2018 12:27 posted by Nicky

    Well I've been reading for days. I know he's narcissistic and I'm gonna choose to love him. God help me. People say run as fast as you can away, articles are all on how to leave him, but I am gonna stay and love him through it. I've always been kinda down on myself my entire life. I know how to put on a good front, mask my feelings so maybe I'm a touch narcissistic myself. I do think this is the first hope I've had since searching blogs on how to help, and how to love him. He's got a sweet side and he regularly admits he's been hateful and takes things out on me. I want to help him not leave him wounded to sound more. I know I'm strong, just hope I'm strong enough to take on this much criticism and ugliness. I've been shattered I thought beyond repair and I have the tendency to take things out on myself so suicidal has been a common problem for me....I think I can look at this as a way to cope with my feelings of depression and self loathing in an ironic way. I won't let anyone say "I told ya so". Not this time and I will put forth my efforts to make this work and to help him, I believe he's worth it.

  • Comment Link Jb1013 Tuesday, 13 March 2018 18:07 posted by Jb1013

    I discovered my husband seeking outside relationships on social media. He sabotaged the completion of my college degree. I think he enjoys the pretty picture of marriage only. Everything is about him if there are date nights.what movie he likes, where he wants to eat. I recently discovered he had a brief affair on the job while I was expecting our twin daughters. I have no right to complain about anything & if I do it is b/c I did not forgive him & I'm harboring negativity towards him(his words). I should be grateful to be married to such a sweet laidback caring guy. I have suggested council, he says no b/c they will blame him.I was also recently blamed for a picture my husband took with two half naked cheerleaders at a Charlotte Wizards basketball game he attended with the guys from work. I was home with the kids while he went to the game. He gets angry about that b/c I saved that pic as his contact in my cell phone. I have talked with my husband about separation so he can live the life of a bachelor, he gets pissed at that idea. Then he gets pissed when I detach. Detaching is my way of coping & trying to hide my emotions from the children.

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  • Comment Link Michelle Thursday, 11 January 2018 21:09 posted by Michelle

    I've been down a long and loving but hurtful road with my Narcissist boyfriend for 6 long years.
    I am a very strong independent type-A Texas woman. Always had a mind of my own.
    We were engaged at one time, he bought me a $15,000 ring and begged me to take it, eventually I did.
    We have been all over the charts with off and on again. And only because he is so unstable.

    He is classic, he literally blocks me from his phone, I've hardly ever been allowed to know where he lives, and completely disappears for days or weeks even months. And he justifies his disappearing act for one sentence I might say that he doesn't like or for a "feeling" I gave him, or even when it was all perfect, he runs. Any excuse will do for him and it's always my fault he ran.

    Everytime, for 6 yrs I took him back, because I really do Love him. I KNOW I shouldn't and I KNOW he is crazy and I KNOW he will continue his cycle.

    He has his incredibly great moments, kisses my hand, best lover ever, rubs my feet, is perfect with my kids and grandkids, generous, chivalrous, handsome and earns a good living-when he works. We have the most incredible connection sexually but are NOT friends otherwise it seems.

    I know you all here will tell me to run, to get out, to quit hurting myself, but I can't stop loving him. Believe me I have tried and tried. I date other guys when he disappears. I try to move on.

    I'm not weak, in fact it takes a hugely strong person to stay with a narcissist.

    I pray to stop loving him everyday.

    My point here is, I'm stuck with him.
    I need to know how to live with him without always getting hurt and letting him pull me into his lies and drama.

    I'm a person that gives people lots of chances, believes they mean what they say or just did, I am forgiving, I am loving and a romantic.

    How do I learn to just deal with his mental problem?

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  • Comment Link Catrina Woodruff Wednesday, 27 December 2017 16:34 posted by Catrina Woodruff

    I've been married a little over year. We dated often and on for about 20 years. Since the married things are continuing to get worse not better. This was my first true love. I am working full time and a full-time graduate student. My son has some special disabilities that require my attention development delayed or doctors etc. but mainly he can manage on his own. Family is the biggest argument with me cooking on holiday to assist my mother whom has medical issues. If, my family gives me complaints about my food, I give encouragement, playing with the kids it’s too become a negative issue. To husband, I am a caretaker and he can not a have wife that is a caretaker to others. It irritates him for me not having a conversation right away, while we are driving in the car. He is becoming more verbal and mentally abusive. According to my husband, I am a liar. It’s like he find things to nick pick about. So, I am living on edge eggs shell wondering what’s going to happen next my past discussion or just finding something. My mother suffers from neuropathic, after the cancer treatment. I feel no matter how much, I continue to try it is never good enough. This man niceness may only last one week or less depending on the mood or the full moon. He is does get attention from cooking to cleaning but it is never good enough. School is getting to him but more less it the family. How do you break the cycle? On, daily bases he wants a divorce. I am tried and frustrated on how to keep up.

  • Comment Link Catrina Woodruff Tuesday, 26 December 2017 23:54 posted by Catrina Woodruff

    I've been married a little over year. We dated often and on for about 20 years. Since the married things are continuing to get worse not better. This was my first true love. I am working full time and a full-time graduate student. My son has some special disabilities that require my attention development delayed or doctors etc. but mainly he can manage on his own. Family is the biggest argument with me cooking on holiday to assist my mother whom has medical issues. If, my family gives me complaints about my food, I give encouragement, playing with the kids it’s too become a negative issue. To husband, I am a caretaker and he can not a have wife that is a caretaker to others. It irritates him for me not having a conversation right away, while we are driving in the car. He is becoming more verbal and mentally abusive. According to my husband, I am a liar. It’s like he find things to nick pick about. So, I am living on edge eggs shell wondering what’s going to happen next my past discussion or just finding something. My mother suffers from neuropathic, after the cancer treatment. I feel no matter how much, I continue to try it is never good enough. This man niceness may only last one week or less depending on the mood or the full moon. He is does get attention from cooking to cleaning but it is never good enough. School is getting to him but more less it the family. How do you break the cycle? On, daily bases he wants a divorce. I am tried and frustrated on how to keep up.

  • Comment Link Caro Friday, 22 December 2017 21:13 posted by Caro

    I am lost i love him dearly and if i show h.thos he will say i am th3 barcisot.i went to the counseller and he said my husband is i doibt maybe is my to know of i am the narcisicarost?

  • Comment Link Liza B Thursday, 21 December 2017 17:59 posted by Liza B

    Wow, to actually see what I experience in writing is somewhat comforting but at the same time quite disturbing. Thank you for the article it is very helpful I will need to reread it quite a few times in order to let it sink in and be effective.

  • Comment Link Linda Thursday, 21 December 2017 16:27 posted by Linda

    I have been married too a narcissist for 50 years. As long as I was working things were bearable but since we have both retired it is hell on earth. He has been a liar and womaniser all our married life. I had and do nothing t have the confidence too leave although he treats me like rubbish accusing me of not being a proper wife. Of course whT he wanted and still wants is a door mat. I have too much pride too be that. He treats the outsider better than me. His message they thought the sun shone out of him.

  • Comment Link Petra Tuesday, 05 December 2017 11:35 posted by Petra

    I married one. Ticks majority of the boxes but not fully as he’s almost mildly NPD. Beginning of the relationship all was fine, there were occasional red flags but I didn’t want to be judgemental and of course he told me about his painful childhood so I blamed the behavior on that, as he is working on it.
    Once married the gloves came off, actually before marriage they came off! Trying to tell me my sister lied about me to him, talking to me like I was worthless and blaming me for it, talking to young girls half dressed and adding them as FB friends then act innocent when I confronted him. I do blame myself for marrying him, and for staying. Now I’m stuck, financially and otherwise (bit complicated, I’m not a us citizen, waiting on renewal of green card and without it I can not renew my own countries passport, plus I can not bring my animals back home with me; I take the care for them very serious). So 4 yrs later no sex, no intimacy whatsoever; my fault obviously (insert sarcasm) as I never listen to his needs, I never do as he wants (his idea of listening consists out of being an audience and knowing to recite everything word for word, I also have to fulfill every need of his, when I do he changes the bar higher so it’s never enough. I also feels he mirrors me, especially my good qualities (I still believe I have good qualities although it’s wearing thin, I have people that genuinely love me and tell me I’m a caring loving person regardless of him telling me they (my family and friends) Just day what they feel I need to hear (something all his past friends and lovers used to do, and his family still does). What I mean by mirror he will steal my life stories and make them his, saying I stole them from him. He will also mirror the negative way; blaming all his faults and making them out that I have those faults even when I know I don’t. The worst to me is the empathy. He always brags about being empathic but he hasn’t got any idea what it means as he keeps saying how he can tell the future because he’s so emphatic, how he knows what people will do or say because he’s empathic. He brags about it daily and even brags to there about it. I find it embarrassing (for him!). I knew he propositioned other women, I knew he loves attention from other women (and men). Last weekend I caught him red handed and now he’s sulking and blaming me for making him feel bad. I also get the cold shoulder, the nasty harsh talking to and I received a letter explaining why he posted a sex ad on Craigslist. No personal responsibility; he blamed our boarder for not talking to him (when he’s always happy to ignore anyone that talks to him), he blamed my sister for not sharing her personal life (she refuses as she doesn’t trust him with any of it), blames alcohol, blamed his work situation, blamed his physical pains (one of his favorites to use even though he knows I’m a chronic pain patient and I don’t fall for the excuse he uses it; oh and no sympathy for my actual pains), blamed the stress he was under... weirdly enough this time he didn’t directly blame me. I did get blamed for being mean to him, he tried to pick a fight about how I woke him up st 12:40pm by saying “dude get up this is not ok, sleeping this late”. I apologized and promised I would never do it again (I said this sarcastically as I know he often needs me to wake hind up; I’m never going that again). I’ve been hard on him, I haven’t tried discussing things, I’ve told him I read the letter but I’m not going to respond (yet), told him he pissed me off and he has no right to treat me like shit. I also told him I’m going to make myself feel better about myself by doing whatever I need to do, I told him many things but I did not let him get any satisfaction of feeling hurt... and in a weird way I’m not hurt; I’m pissed ! I’ve always said the one thing I need and want is total honesty (ha! an NPD’er and honesty! how naïf was I !). Oh boohoo I’m just being accused of always being nosy about what he does on his phone (he cracks me up!), he has a track record so I mentioned that, received a “ no you’ve been like that forever”, somewhat true, I never believed someone would lie, my exes were weirdly enough honest except for the las ex, after his infidelity I’m more sensitive to listening to my gut about when partners sneak around on their phone and pc, and have constant new young women as friends and they close it when you’re near, as a mature person I asked if I needed to worry about this, his response; if you’re going to accuse me I might as well screw around and have fun). So yes, I’m dealing with someone on the NPD spectrum. Stuck in the situation so I’m going to see if I can learn from it while I try to work on myself too.

  • Comment Link E Tuesday, 05 December 2017 02:18 posted by E

    For Linda M,
    I hung in long enough to get our daughters through college. After rehab and sobriety, he decided he wanted a new life. It was a year earlier than I hoped, but the end was inevitable.I haven't respected him for several years and I just stopped being intimate after many addiction-related events.
    The divorce has been an inferno. It is amazing how hideous he has been to hang on to the money. He is also trying to save face because his world appeared great to those on the outside, but it was far from it.
    His attorney is now ready to terminate their relationship and of course it is my fault. Attorneys don't want to be manipulated.
    I am looking forward to the freedom. My daughters will need to deal with him, but he has become a sober petulant, self-involved teen who hasn't said boo to the 21 & 22 yo daughters. We're working on seeing his problems as his and we're counting our blessings. It is tranquil without him and his behaviors.

  • Comment Link RosieA Thursday, 30 November 2017 12:30 posted by RosieA

    I have a very confusing narcissist. He had or did tick all the boxes but he has changed over time. He hasn't broken things for a long time or pushed me around (never hit me). He no longer argues over money and even seems happy for me to spend money. But he will never apologise or take responsibility. He is moody and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type personality. He behaves in a manner that causes me to suspect he's having an affair but I'm now beginning to think that is staged so I accuse him of it. Can't really explain but no I don't think he is having an affair at all, though he has in the past. I'm 62 he's 54 we've been together for 35 years as a defacto couple and have a 32 y/o daughter. In the past year he has left me 4 times. He used to leave after/during a fight then come back and the next time he kicks me out. The last time I ended up renting a room from an elderly man who I felt very uncomfortable with so I just packed up and moved myself back into the spare room. My partner told me I wasn't welcome but didn't put up a great deal of an argument at all. He hasn't kicked me out since. When all this happens he uses finances against me to cause me to panic but never goes through with his threats. I started counselling today. I do love him and I want to try and find a way to stay with him. I believe I have a much greater chance if I become an internally stronger, calmer person and not take what he says too much to heart. At the moment he's not here though. What they don't like is if too many other people know about them and while it can ignite their fuses it can also cause them to tone down their behaviour. I think that's why my partner doesn't physically push me around anymore??? They don't really do what they do to deliberately hurt us they just need to deflect their hatred of themselves onto someone else so they can feel whole and they desperately want to be loved but not smothered. Quite sad really. I know my partner has a very unloving mother and his father was just a total jerk. If they're destroying you though you need to go or you need to find a way to stay strong and not take their criticisms of you to heart. They can be dangerous so you need to take your own situation into consideration as to whether you should leave or stay. Most therapists will tell you to leave. Please also note if you have young children living with a narcissist will have a very strong negative impact on their lives and it would be wise for their sake for you to get out. I have 3 narcissistic children from my first marriage who I'm now estranged from :-( and my daughter from this relationship struggles daily with anxiety and depression.

  • Comment Link Lynn Monday, 27 November 2017 00:12 posted by Lynn

    I'm dating a narcissist and it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride!! and although everything you've said is true, I love him dearly. I've learned how to discern what mood he's in just in the text messages we send. And when I recognize that at that moment he's ready to be demeaning I just stop responding. I take a break from speaking with him for a few hours, and then when I've calmed my nerves down I will chat with him. My sweetheart is charming but in a matter of minutes will switch gears very quickly. My saving grace is that I've lived with a sister who has yelled and screamed all of her life, and therefore I am immune to yelling. Everything mentioned in this blog is the absolute truth. Thank you for these wonderful tips because I do want to stay with him. The funny thing is that he asked me how to deal with a passive aggressive person "me". Ha!! I told him he has to learn to love them for who they are.

  • Comment Link Lynn Wednesday, 22 November 2017 22:49 posted by Lynn

    I'm dating a narcissist and it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride!! and although everything you've said is true, I love him dearly. I've learned how to discern what mood he's in just in the text messages we send. And when I recognize that at that moment he's ready to be demeaning I just stop responding. I take a break from speaking with him for a few hours, and then when I've calmed my nerves down I will chat with him. My sweetheart is charming but in a matter of minutes will switch gears very quickly. My saving grace is that I've lived with a sister who has yelled and screamed all of her life, and therefore I am immune to yelling. Everything mentioned in this blog is the absolute truth. Thank you for these wonderful tips because I do want to stay with him. The funny thing is that he asked me how to deal with a passive aggressive person "me". Ha!! I told him he has to learn to love them for who they are.

  • Comment Link Robyn Kriebs Tuesday, 21 November 2017 07:34 posted by Robyn Kriebs

    Wow, what i have just read describes my husband of 12 years. He has me so far backed into a corner. This is like the 4th time he is " done" with me. This last episode that started last week, since he stopped taking his meds, has been the worst one yet. I do everything for him, except wipe his butt. We are both 54 years old. I stopped working 3 years ago after a 25 year career in Cosmetology, then I drove team with my truck driver husband for 7 years. I have fibermylgia and took disability while he stayed in the truck. He is home daily and he does work hard. However, he is addicted to porn, he is now a diabetic and can barely pass a DOT physical. Last week, I was the live of his life, the only person that ever made him truly feel loved and his best friend. This week, he says he only married me because he felt sorry for me and becsuse I am such a stable person. He needed stability in his life.He says, he hasnt been in love with me for years and the thought of sex with me makes his skin crawl. " I am one scary looking bitch" His last marriage, they were swingers and it ended in his wife switching teams. In addition to his ruck driving job, we have a small farm where we have invested " my life savings" into. He diesnt want to stay married to me, but neither of us want to loose the farm. So here is my choice. Take it or loose it. I continue to stay here and run the farm and care fir the animals. I also continue to cook, clean, do his laundry and eberything else I do, and he will still put his check in the joint bank account. He doesnt want another wife, bit he is getting testosterone shots twice a week and will go hook up with whom ever and when ever he wants. His personal life is none of my business. Oh, I am free to do the same. He yells and screams at me, as everything is my fault. Spending is out of control. He was lind enough to let me know that he has cheayed on me too many times to count, but now that he has stopped his bipolar meds and is getting shots twice a month he had a test for HIV. He congratulated me, as i am clean because he is. We have not had a manic episode for over 3 uears. This is my second marriage. I was married for 20 years prior to him. I never in my life, ever thought it eould be like this. My grown children have been a really good support line for me. They want me to leave. I dont want to start over at 54, nor do I want to loose everything I put into this farm, my piece of heaven. I do receive disability, but it doesnt cover all of the expenses much less the debt he has run up. Lastly, I dont understand how, but I do still love him. Any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Linda Marzano Wednesday, 08 November 2017 02:21 posted by Linda Marzano

    I need advice: my husband ticks all these boxes. I am trying to decide whether I should stay or go. I have 2 wonderful teenage kids who love their Dad and would be devastated if we parted. Problem is, if I stay, he will obviously expect to continue a sexual relationship with me, and I am having a hard time loving him enough to want to be physical with him. It is a viscous circle. For those of you who have stayed, how do you handle the physical side of things?

  • Comment Link Anonymous Sunday, 05 November 2017 16:28 posted by Anonymous

    My husband is wonderful in many ways. It is difficult for me to get a divorce because in my country, I will have to prove his cruelty. Since the abuse is only emotional, there are no proofs. I am planning to get a new job and leave the house. I will remain legally married, but physically separated. He will be able to visit me anytime.

  • Comment Link Carla Carrera. Wednesday, 01 November 2017 20:09 posted by Carla Carrera.

    To Linda Marzano and all those in the same position.

    I have only one advice to you and that is 'Get Out'
    You are only delaying the inevitable.

    Like yourself I tried to stay and save my marriage to a narcassist for 2O years. The reason for that was because I did not want my children to come from a broken home. Instead I ended up breaking myself, I nearly lost my sanity and in the end I started to look elsewhere for love and effection. Although that was against all my principles I knew that if I did not do that I would have possibly ended my life. To those that do not understand the logic of a victim, I lost the confidence of surviving on my own. The put downs had taken their toll on my self confidence.
    To cut a very long sad story short after years of lies, deceit, manipulation, critisicm fine day I was diagnosed with cancer.
    It was the illness that finally shook me up, I realised that I wasted the best years of my life. Not long after my full recovery I met this amazing man and we have been together for 10 years. My life has changed so much that I can hardly believe that relationships can be so good. I cannot say that I have fully recovered from the stress of the abusive and possibly never would, but I'm in a safe, calm and happy environment.
    I only wish I had the courage and left way before that.

  • Comment Link Dawn Wednesday, 01 November 2017 05:04 posted by Dawn

    Wow that's exactly my life right now but good thing I'm learning a lot after 13 years married to him. Still love my husband even though he's got a a nasty temper and negative attitude. I just won't give up, unless my patience will.

  • Comment Link Linda Marzano Friday, 27 October 2017 11:31 posted by Linda Marzano

    I need advice: my husband ticks all these boxes. I am trying to decide whether I should stay or go. I have 2 wonderful teenage kids who love their Dad and would be devastated if we parted. Problem is, if I stay, he will obviously expect to continue a sexual relationship with me, and I am having a hard time loving him enough to want to be physical with him. It is a viscous circle. For those of you who have stayed, how do you handle the physical side of things?

  • Comment Link Helen Monday, 16 October 2017 14:27 posted by Helen

    I'm glad I found this group. It's good to know I'm not alone. I got a real true taste of the narcissism when I was diagnosed with Cancer earlier this year and my husband did little or nothing to take care of me. In fact it was the opposite - he's a drinker - picked fights with me - I truly believe he was jealous because I was going to get prayed for an attention. He makes fun of me as well and nothing I say is ever right. I don't know what to do anymore. He talks down to me especially in front of our child and I find myself telling her - don't ever let a man speak to you like that. It's truly sad. I feel like I'm in hell daily. I don't know how else to deal with this person other than be cordial at face value. We can't talk or discuss anything without it getting into an argument. I have no idea when he's telling the truth or lying anymore. I believe it all to be lies.

  • Comment Link Alice Friday, 13 October 2017 11:25 posted by Alice

    I didn't understand what was wrong with my husband. He has been so evil and mean with me and our boys. I have learned to hate him. He is also an alcoholic. I feel so stupid to not have noticed. I always cried and tried to apologize when he was abusive. I don't anymore. I'm in counseling trying to get help

  • Comment Link Claire Thursday, 12 October 2017 16:05 posted by Claire

    My husband has a terrifying temper. I am very afraid of him, even though he has never laid a hand on me. I have been dealing with gaslighting from him since the beginning, I have started to realize it recently. He used to tell me he wanted me to open up and trust him. To get really attached to him. I think it helps him feel stronger for me to be dependent on him. He makes fun of the things I do and they way I live my life. It is very hard being ridiculed so much, and criticized. If I walk away from him, he'll just follow me into the other room. I guess I need to start planning too walk out of the home when he starts to shout at me. I hate to live like this. I loved his feelings but he's too much for me to handle. It's very painful all the stuff he calls me. I hope I can find the strength to help myself get through this or maybe get out of my situation. Right now I feel trapped and obligated to him. I hate feeling this way. It makes me so sad to have to be with someone like this. I wish he'd change :(

  • Comment Link Mimi Gee Monday, 09 October 2017 22:55 posted by Mimi Gee

    Thanks for the info it's nice to know that I'm not alone. There's other women that are suffering from the same issues. 15 years later I should have left long time ago.
    It's sad they try to suck the life out of you. Trying to keep my kids together and be a family. Sometimes I feel like they'd be better off without him. The reality is my stomach can't take it anymore.

  • Comment Link Nicolea Monday, 09 October 2017 03:22 posted by Nicolea

    I’m trying to figure out if my boyfriend of 3+ years is a narcissist or not. A lot of behaviors in many articles sound like him; the general sense of entitlement, feeling superior to everyone just because he’s him, the seeming lack of empathy, lies about stupid shit etc.. But, he’s almost never put me down or belittled me. I’m not sure if he is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies. Is there a difference?!

  • Comment Link Karen Sunday, 08 October 2017 23:42 posted by Karen

    Yep...all the same treatment as the others. Never knew it wasn’t me until now. Sad we have two sons and they probably will be the same....only wish I had enough guts to leave, but I would be afraid he would hurt me or others. Will pray for all of us that Karma will get these assholes in their next go around.

  • Comment Link Yvonne Saturday, 07 October 2017 12:34 posted by Yvonne

    You say in your article to walk away or role your eyes to take away their power. In my experience this made him worse and become very abusive, sometimes violent. Luckily I am out of that relationship now but I had to give up a lot to get away.

  • Comment Link Michelle Wednesday, 04 October 2017 19:31 posted by Michelle

    Hi i have been married to a narcissist for 6 years and no person should be going threw that sort of relationship i have 2 children that is not his age 12 and 15 and ill tell you he hates my kids i hade to sent them to live with my parents i always had to choose between him and my kids so i choose my kids no man has the right to make any woman make that choice his true colours began after we been married and when we moved to East Lodon and it is not getting better they get worse by time

  • Comment Link melanie Tuesday, 19 September 2017 23:00 posted by melanie

    There is a narcissistic page I came across on social media just recently. A lot of the posts I could relate to and decided to look up narcissistic a little further. I really was starting to believe I was the worst person on this earth and cried every day for feeling I hurt someone who I believed was my soulmate. It all makes sense to me now....
    I met him almost 4 years ago, I knew when I met him he was going to be my soulmate. We got along great and had so much fun together. All the phone calls all the "hey beautiful" texts, cooking and catering to my every need. No one has ever done those things for me, he made me feel special. He was perfect in every way and I thought how could have been so lucky to meet this amazing person...
    Then just recently after about 6 months of living together things started falling apart, we would have good days but the bad days were extremely bad! We argued about everything and I was always made out to be the bad person....I never did anything right or I could have went about things differently....or didn't show him enough attention...jealousy and insecurity was a daily topic for us...if it took me a little longer than usual to get home from work it was always because I stopped to see someone or had to drop someone off...never the case....he would constantly accuse me of cheating or emailing people, emailing people that I have known for almost 20 years and never in the emails did it detail any type of infidelity just strictly friends...but any contact with anyone other than him was a reason for me to cheat...I have not ever cheated in any of my relationships and being 44 that is shit you do when you are in that "playing" age I am at the age where I want to settle not play games...
    This comes in 3 stages -idealization- devaluation- this point in our relationship he has moved out for a little over a month now and we have argued more now than ever. I feel we are at the "discard" phase of the relationship (if there is one) as there has been nothing but demeaning text going back and forth and I am at the point where I feel like I am worthless and feel no longer important to him...he is giving me the silent treatment now..
    It's crazy because he told me all the storied from his past relationships and how horrible they were to him and all he ever did was be a good man t them and t me and he feels mistreated every time and there is real no good women out there...
    I cannot speak on his past as I was not there but I only know what I been through with him over the past year and I know I did not cheat on him ever and I did what I was suppose to do as a significant partner in a relationship but being in a narcissistic relationship no matter what you do you are the bad person in their mind or you didn't do enough and whatever they could do to rob you of the confidence you once had they will take every last bit of it with no remorse.... and what ever strong will you had coming into it will be chastised...I have always been a strong minded independent person that has never asked for anything and always there when you need them but this has thrown me for a loop and made me question one has ever had this kind of control over me...really hurt me but I understand why now and that it was not me it was the behavioral patterns being thrown my way and me believing that he did love me....but as this article say they choose victims they can knock off their pedestal and make them feel less than human the narcissist wins by taking a person who is confident, attractive, and successful person and tearing them down over a period of time.

  • Comment Link Debra Sunday, 17 September 2017 15:27 posted by Debra

    I did not know about this disorder and met my bassist husband on the personals 9 years ago. The first few months he made me feel like a princess, but slowly he started to use cruel words and lash out at every little thing. His anger would service every time things did not go his way. I did not realize the stress of this had a big impact on me. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012. And had two lumps removed from my right breast. He accused the surgeon of being a butcher and disfiguring me. I would cry and he would continue to use hurtful words. On Friday, December 13th, 2013 I was driving home after being cleared of the cancer from the hospital and having to take the medication tomoxifen for five years and got side swiped by a transporter truck. And the car spun out of control hit the guard rail and I was back in the hospital again with a head injury. I was home recovering and my husband constantly blamed me for everything I was in so much pain taking pain killers and he blamed me because I was like a pretzel and could not move and he wanted me to drive to his sister for Christmas and I could not move. I recovered from it all. But the accusations and lies and cheating continued with him plus outburst of anger his mood swings has he smokes dope and drinks continue. It has affected me financially plus I lost my job last year and joined a gym to cope with the stress. I had a death in the family on top of it. Right now I am gong through a lawyer and waiting for the house to sell still living under the same roof don't talk to him anymore but he moves things around in the house to annoy me. I have two storage lockers had to take all my stuff out as he was stealing some of my stuff and changed the locks on me. He is a bully and control freak. Thank god I have a par time job that is keeping me afloat but everything I had including investments and good job and nice home home before I met him as gone out the window. When we sell the house I will be looking to be able to rent. The only way I found out was through a physiologist and he said a narssist will never change it is all about them and and control and feeding there ego and once they are done they move on to the next victim. God help the next woman that gets him.

  • Comment Link Debra Sunday, 17 September 2017 02:04 posted by Debra

    I am living with my ex in the same house and he is a narssissit. I was married to him for eight years and did not realize until I went to a physiologist as I was dealing with continuous drama and he would throw a tantrum if things did not go his way. I am still waiting for things to be finalized with the lawyer and the house is up for sale but is sitting on the market because the housing market is slow. I have learned to cut him off completely but he will move things in the house and use every pot in the house and leave in the sink. He has done some crazy stuff to try to get a reaction out of me. He took the light bulbs out of my lamps in my bedroom took the toilet roll hid it. Constantly moving stuff around to annoy me. It has been very tough. On a hot day he will turn the air conditioning off from the main switch and in the winter I had to get a small heater as I was tired of arguing with him about putting on the heat or air conditioning now I grin and bear it until I can get the hell out. He has already been checking the personals and Facebook for new victims and his ugly mug is everywhere including as a screen saver on his computer. It is all about him. But I stay away from him and don't engage. Or he will create drama. It has been a roller coaster ride and I want it to end soon for my own sanity. It has certainly been an eye opener and it will be hard for me to trust any man again. I try to forgive him in my heart in order to have closure and move forward with my life. I don't envy anyone that has to deal with a narssist in there life they can be impossible to live with and that is why I am separated from him and hopefully can sell this house and have my life back again.

  • Comment Link Kristi Tuesday, 12 September 2017 23:06 posted by Kristi

    Oh, yes, and they never "mean to." So when I decide I'm going to be the asshole one day because I'm tired of his shit, I take full responsibility for those actions. I also give it to him tenfold. This is damaging to myself. I don't like who I am now. I've been used a lot and didn't wait until I was 41 to get married for this bullshit. Every day, drama and time wasted on talking about his feelings. Honestly, who cares? I have two little daughters. He admitted that he wouldn't want them to end up with someone like him. Is there hope? I'm never going to stop standing my ground. I know what's what with him. They think they're so mysterious. Pfft. Yeah, mysterious.

  • Comment Link Judi Napier Tuesday, 12 September 2017 01:47 posted by Judi Napier

    I think I live with one. I'm always getting blamed and put down for stuff but if you point out his behavior oh boy , look out !

  • Comment Link christinad Monday, 11 September 2017 00:15 posted by christinad

    Very enlightening. It's like reading chapters taken
    from my 25yr marriage. Going through divorce, I
    keep seeking why... I am reading this and know I
    can't blame myself. Years of trying to change myself
    to avoid confrontation, physical & mental abuse were
    futile. Now I find he is financially abusing me as well.
    This article was very helpful in helping me understand.

  • Comment Link Lulu Friday, 08 September 2017 19:14 posted by Lulu


    Thanks so much for the info I've been with mine for 25 years and only realised last year that it was him not me, I've been on so many medications because i was diagnosed with depression then biopola disorder been off medication for a while once it sunk in that it's not me it's Him (and his mother the evil top Narcissistic ) glad I found this info as he makes me want to end my self as I can't cope with having to be one step a head of him all the time, or do as he says and I mean everything he says. I've got no friends no social life no nothing apart from my beautiful children. Him he has loads of friends they think his the best he constantly laughting and joking then turns and gives me eyes he tells me what to say how to speak and by the way I've piled on 4 stone because when i was slim he scared me into thinking it would be my fault if men look at me and he hits them then hits me when we got home, so I see why I've padded my body out with fat for mine and some poor blokes protection. I used to think I could cope with his changing personality depending on how I acted but now it's got to the stage that I'm nearly 40 and I can't even crack a smile I'm walking about like a miserable woman, he controls all the money he won't let me work because he demands his dinner kn the table ( well when he bothers to come home apparently I have to entice him to come home otherwise he won't) house cleaned says I will get peanuts anyway then laughes so I just put up with him but I really do fantasise what my life would have been like if I never met him I was truly a very confident bubbly girl before we met I mean his narcissism didn't fully kick in untill I had kids although he was very controlling but so was my dad.

  • Comment Link Olga Wednesday, 06 September 2017 13:23 posted by Olga

    This is BS. I live with a narcissist and no matter what you do or think to yourself, it's miserable. I have lived with him for 27 years and it just gets worse. My advise is, don't stay. Get out and be happy. Maybe there is someone out there that will treat you like you deserve. If not, live free of this ball and chain and nerve wracking BS. I'm getting out one way or another. God does NOT want us to be treated this way. We cannot do His work and be at our best in these circumstances. Get out asap. I am.

  • Comment Link Adrienne keam Monday, 04 September 2017 04:57 posted by Adrienne keam

    I've meet my love 5.5 yes ago,be 6 in October, he was the most gentle caring supportive generous man who made me so special and loved, knew the perfect words to say, to tell the truth I just found about this disorder, I came across it by accident actually, but when I read on it,, holy I taught sounds just like my partner,, when he found me I was in mid 30s,I had my own business, I was independent caring for my kids, He won my heart, but after a few months that's when things started changing, the first shock was being called a bitch, I was like what?? Stunded, so I brushed it off,thinking he wouldn't say that anymore,, cause he knew it upset me and hurt me feeling, but it didn't stop,, the name callings came more frequently, then the anger, I noticed a dramatic change this one day, we're came home from a fishing trip, he got a text message, he asked me to check it, so I did,, it said where r u,, just a number appeared with it, so I read it to him and asked him who was it asking where r u, told him the number,, his reaction was his face feel, when he reacted like that way I asked again who that was,, then he finally said who,, and it was an ex that he had an affair with during his marriage, but after that, he changed,, it was like he knew I knew that wasn't right, and me knowing or finding out about this woman texting him and asking where he is,, it's like he became afraid or thinking I'll go do the same thing for revenge, but that wasn't the case for me, I just brushed it off, well ya it did cause some hurt,, but I loved him so much that I stayed committed and faithful to him, but after that he became jealous ,I was always around him, didn't really go anywhere alone, I lost my friends couldn't talk to people, he called it firtly, accused me of checking out men, accusing me of cheating, it came to place where he believed that I did cheat, the accusations he throw at me we're so surprising that I couldn't believe what he's saying,, I eventually lost everything, the money I had,, the e independence I had, everything, I lost it all,, he's successful he has money,, enough not to worry about anything, but when I lost everything, he complained of taking care of me, like I was a burden, he complained about everything I did, never a thank you or any appreciatiin, always had to find a fault in everything I did, I cooked home cooked meals, but the complaints became so intense that I stopped cooking for him, and then again he complained I don't cook anymore, and I would tell him why I stopped, I helped him with every thing, I treated him like a king,, I groomed him, cut his finger and toe nails, I did everything to please him and make him feel good, but when it came to me,, there was nothing giving in return, I loved him up, with hugs kisses attention everything compliments on how good he looked, but I got none of that and I was starving for attention and affection, I literally ached to be held,, just every so often he would give me just enough which I just absorbed like I was hungry for it,, he became so mean to me, but when around other people he was so kind caring understanding and joyful, and that angered me cause he didn't treat me that way,, over the past 3 yrs things became more intense, I started missing my hair, loss of appetite, I couldn't eat because of all the stress and confusion not understanding what I was doing wrong and yet I knew I was giving him everything he needed, he would deny saying things or doing things, when I repeated exactly what he just said, he would say no I didn't say that, your making that up,, he was like 2 of him,this person and then next thing he's a different person within seconds,, I felt whip lashed,, he started comparing me to other women, saying I was getting old and grey, telling me he' was gonna go do this and that with another woman, when I was losing weight he started calling me skinny,,he broke the trust I had for him based on the things I found on his phone,, women were always the prime cause in our relationship,, but he always told me he was the most faithful man I've ever meet,, but I couldn't believe it cause of all the things he would say to me,, things he said didn't match up to his actions and behaviour, I walked out 2 yes ago, we live with each other off and on,, but now it's a few days on and we split,cause I've been getting so hurt dissapointed of everything and sometimes I would feel like he can make me go crazy with frustration, and asking myself what have I done to you as to why your treating me like this,, and when we do split, he stalks me, even on Fb. I blocked him, but still he's able to send pics and photo shots of things from my fb and even made up fake accounts, using my pic pretending to be me, which I reported and it got shut down,, he always made me the the to be the shit disturder as he called it, I was blamed for everything that went wrong, he even tried blaming me for his speeding ticket, it's was every damn thing was my fault, I wasn't free to do what I wanted,, everything we did had to be at his terms he controlled everything, if he didn't get his way he'll flip, I was walking and living on egg shells, had to watch my every move and the words that would come out of my mouth. Felt like I was on a boat in a strong being tossed side to side by his behavior,, I started pulling myself away from him since this past winter, but he gotten worse thinking maybe it would wake him up aliitle bit,it hasn't it made things worse, he blocks and ignores me for days and when I do here from him it would be accusations of cheating.. But I'm getting use to the separations, cause it's letting me see some light and being able to rest and slowly letting him go, and knowing about this disorder I just don't know if I want to continue in this relationship, especially when he refuses to talk about anything concerning anything., I'm hurt real bad and I'm so afraid to even think of getting involved in another relationship after this... I still love him to so much but what can I do,,

  • Comment Link Louise Saturday, 02 September 2017 09:54 posted by Louise

    Oh my goodness- I've lived this for 31 years. They are so childish. I am sick of living with somebody so miserable at home, yet the life and soul of the party, when out. His latest trick, is, when we are out anywhere, especially with others, is to suddenly disappear (without telling me) and go home/back to our hotel room and leave me with no keys or money. It cannot be normal-marries for 25 years, to have to ensure I have keys and money, before I go out with my husband. I live under the constant threat of being left. Remember, everybody-they ares insecure. Nobody who is really happy and secure with themselves would behave like they do.

  • Comment Link vicki Thursday, 31 August 2017 07:24 posted by vicki

    i could only say "yes! Yes! Yes!!! " as i read this article on narcissistic husband. I felt so sure he is a liar, a fake, a fraud, unbelievably negative in every sense. And every word he says pulls you into pits of depression. does my son deserve a father like this? a very tough question and i just cant seem to figure out. all the 13 years of womanizing and making me pay for all his debts and loans, what kind shit man is this? all that i want is to Live... live victoriously and happily. when i look into the mirror, the person i see is just a reflection of a sad victim... who lost all the care free joy, love and happiness. and i somehow feel that my son is losing it too because the father is just unbelievable cruel with his words. Is this life? would life be better if i live alone? and my son live without a father? gosh...
    seriously... i dont know what to think anymore...
    i just want to to be best in whatever i am doing at work, earn a decent living and secure my son's education. that's all

  • Comment Link Aurora Tuesday, 29 August 2017 09:51 posted by Aurora

    I'm currently living with my boyfriend since 1 year and everything was perfect at first. After a while he would get angry so quickly and strongly. It was always reasons that I didn't care for our home enough or not supporting him. ALWAYS it was I wasn't supporting him even though I was struggling just as much as he was. I would pay the rent because I couldn't work for a week.
    I would show him endless amounts of affection. But then he would get crazy saying I was leaving dirty dishes around too much and I was lazy. I just couldn't understand what I did wrong.
    I earn a lot less than him and all my money still goes into our relationship. And then he still is saying I don't support him and I'm lazy.
    I can't have my own opinions ever. If I agree with his plans and then at a later date come to him and say that I have an idea he will once again go crazy and saying that I'm just doing want ever I want and that I'm selfish.
    One example was: we had a plan to go to the shopping centre and get our taxes done with an agent and we walked past a coffee shop and I suggested we just sit down for a bit before doing everything. He said no and I just a bit annoyed and we continued on but then just hours later he gets angry and says "he doesn't want anything from me" hat I'm being selfish and destroying our plans just for myself when we have more important things to do..

    It just crazy, who knows what goes through their brains. But I have done lots of research about narcissistic personality disorder and I have learnt so much. For he past few weeks I have been focusing on my self not him. Doing what makes me happy and when he gets into a fight, keep my mind clear and no what's his delusions and what's real. We have to take them like they are a tiger. It's very difficult but if you really love them I feel it's possible!!
    And I love him so much and he is getting better... slowly.

  • Comment Link EC Sunday, 27 August 2017 17:16 posted by EC

    It's so nice to have the answer! I wish I had known years ago! I always put his behaviour down to depression and felt bad so tried harder to make him happy but looking back I probably made it worse!
    This mornings mishap to result in being ignored for 5 hours and counting and making this bank holiday rubbish ... I accidentally broke a glass. He looked down on me clearing it up me cheerily saying ' nevermind it's only a glass and will soon be tidy' so our two year old didn't worry! ....This while he instead scoulded! and when I reminded him accidents happen he said ' yes they always seem to happen to you' ( I very rarely break anything) while pointing out I was clearing it up wrong/ missing bits and stating this particular glass was irresplaceable! ( freebee from a beer festival)
    I asked him about it after- apologised as it was his glass but said I didn't do it on purpose and don't want our daughter to ever be scared of being in trouble if she broke something by accident! He told me I'm a grown woman not a child and am big enough to be more careful! I reminded him he had broken things in the past ( always to be laughed off of course! ) but he just kept saying 'when, when give me an example! When when...!!!)
    This is today ... overall it's comments about how I look, digs for wearing PJ's after a 14 hour shift even though he is at the same time just in trackies etc, how other girls make an effort, not allowed to be tired ( full Time shift work and a two year old and house work! )
    My wage pays for everything as I earn more ...Even though he works. I get ignored if I bring any of this Up for up to 2 weeks!!!
    Tiny digs over what I cook -If i get upset about any of his comments he laughs and tells me to get off my high horse and get a sense of humour!
    He denies saying things if that plan doesn't suit him the next day, he is a massive hypocrite! He does something it's fine! I do the same and I'm in the bad books! ... to summarise it's exhausting! I am mentally drained every day from annalising every little thing I do to take into account how he will react!
    Not sure if these are read .. but sure helps to get it all down! Makes me realise how all the little day to day things add up! :(

  • Comment Link Arron Friday, 25 August 2017 04:06 posted by Arron

    I can't believe that what i have known is really true. He is a textbook narcissisus. omg. I'm free . I'm not crazy. I have always felt like one of his wrist watches on display. i have even made this comment to a friend and in a rage i even said this to him. but of course he uses that charm. he goes out and has an affair...then gets mad at me. turning the tables with " i don't have to let you know every minute of my whereabouts. just recently a receipt had the time he was at a certain resturant . He denied it and said the receipt was wrong..even though it was in plain black and white. i am sooo glad i come across this sight.. it really helps... he gets into my pc .. he is a pc geek, he is manipulating, lies with a straight face... its healing just to know that i am not CRAZY

  • Comment Link Susie Q Saturday, 19 August 2017 19:53 posted by Susie Q

    How refreshing it is to read a good common sense approach! I am doing all of the things you suggested. I have strong clear boundaries which I am not afraid to enforce sanctions for their breach. In fact I am not afraid to risk losing him although I do truly love him. He also knows that I will leave if he disrespects me. So thank you for your healthy approach. I may have been " codependent" when we met several years ago but I am certainly much healthier now because of this relationship I have "healed". I matter. I'm important & I deserve love affection and consideration. He is slowly but surely beginning to appreciate me more and gradually firming a closer bond with me. It can happen but will take time & great patience.

  • Comment Link Pilou Saturday, 19 August 2017 03:42 posted by Pilou

    Thank you for the article! After a long distance relationship of 2 years, I finally moved to the us to live with my boyfriend. We got married end of may, and now I see his true face: I caught him kissing the first friend I met here (ex friend) after I presented them, discovered other flirts with woman, there is probably more than he recognized to me...
    Thanks to a therapist, i learnt about gaslighting and now I stop taking the blames.
    He's out of the country for 1 month and even if I feel really isolated in this new country, being far from him helps me realizing his true face.
    Everything has to revolve around him, he subtly started criticizing my taste, my clothes, my body. Everytime I'm reaching for emotional support I end feeling worse or cheering him up, and when I have the bad idea to confront him on his behaviour (toward other women) he's going mad and victimized himself, I'm the one who tortures him, he put the blame on me.
    No empathy, no understanding, doesn't take his responsability.
    And yes, of course. He is extremely seductive ans charming with others. Unfortunately, not anymore with his wife. The true face came out.
    I can't live like that. I'm exhausted, lost 10 pounds, sleep every other night. I'm afraid for my health (physical and mental).
    At the beginning, he was so charming and attentive. Ah yes, he was really charming too when I agreed to come back after the cheating. For one romantic evening and unusually tender sex. I'm not fooled anymore.
    I need to escape and I'm planning to go back to my country. I'm just afraid that he will gaslight me again to stay...

  • Comment Link Maria Monday, 07 August 2017 05:19 posted by Maria

    I see what this article says about the best and the brightest. That we aren't losers. I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me that I would choose someone who can treat me this way? My hair is falling out. I feel disrespected almost every minute of every day. Did he think I would never stick up for myself? That I could go on saying, 'Please stop, just let me love you and be myself'. But I couldn't and he can't. Why? What is it about me? Am I the rug of your life? I cannot believe how oppressed and abusive this is. Someone asked me the other day, 'Does he hit you?' My response- "There are worse things than hitting". And losing myself is one of them. Thinking that someone could have honest care for me who clearly is not capable is another. I don't know how to be okay. I'm scared. But I want to feel liberated and confident again. And I'm tired.

  • Comment Link ROy Wednesday, 02 August 2017 23:36 posted by ROy

    Well i live with a deaf communicating guy and its all the same issues as described by all. we dated only four months but have lived together now four years. still the same. on and off jeckyl and hyde behavior. i can see already fron the beginning why his realtions with the guys in the past didnt work and we live as exes. im living with it but have some sense of power of peace mentally i know that sounds crazy
    i just dont know when hes ready to move back to mississippi

  • Comment Link Learning to Cope Wednesday, 02 August 2017 14:46 posted by Learning to Cope

    I've been married to my husband for almost 4 years, and have been with him for 8. It took me quite a while to finally realize that I wasn't crazy.. I couldn't figure out why no one else in my life thought I "didn't listen", or "couldn't cook", or wasn't able to make important life decision on my own, or "unable to manage money", or, and here's the big one, "an ANGRY PERSON".. I've always been proud of the way I handle conflict, the way I compose myself when put into a stressful situation, and the way everyone around me seems to like me and trust me.. but for some reason, my husband was (and is) constantly telling me that I have an "attitude problem", or that I'm "always angry".. and that just wasn't true! He will ask me a question, I will simply answer him, and his response will be "I don't appreciate your attitude".. and I'm completely astounded. Sometimes I argue and desperately try to reassure him that I don't have an attitude, I was just answering your question! And sometimes I just forget it and move on, because I know it's not true. If he loses something, he blames me for "moving his sh*t", if he breaks something (most recently a $2,000+ repair bill to his brand new car) he feels no remorse and takes no responsibility for, but if my car needs new breaks, it's because I'm a bad driver.. I MUST have done something wrong. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to implode. I question my sanity regularly. I am constantly walking on eggshells, and always making sure that every word I speak and every move I make is the correct one, as there is no room for error. If I look at him wrong or the tone in my voice is anything less than happy and bubbly, an argument will start because he is offended. He says I don't respect him or appreciate him, when in actuality, he thanks me for absolutely nothing, he notices nothing that I do (but points out everything I DON'T do), and he spends his days off relaxing and enjoying himself, while my days off are spent cleaning house, doing laundry, running errands, and taking care of his obligations (ie, making his appointments, finding paperwork he needs for something, etc... I feel like his secretary). I'm not allowed to spend a dime without his permission, even though I make more money than he does. He is the most unorganized, messy person I've ever met, but if I misplace something of mine, he's calling me irresponsible and lazy. He disregards most of my opinions and gets extremely angry if I misunderstand, misinterpret or mishear something he says. If I ask him to repeat something he has said, he rolls his eyes and suggests that I start listening when he talks. If our cell phone service is fuzzy and I can't hear what he says, he blames me and my "sh*tty cell phone". If the cable goes out on the tv, he accuses me of "doing something to it", and tells me to "stop messing with things I don't know about".. even though I hadn't touched it all day. He makes fun of the things I like (like tv shows, stores, music, etc) but asks my opinion about EVERYTHING.. it doesnt make sense to me? If he thinks the things that I like are so silly and awful, why does he constantly seek out my approval for everything he wears and buys? But if he doesn't agree with what I suggest, he tells me I don't know anything.

    However - when he is calm and level headed, he's amazing. He's funny and he's FUN, and he takes good care of me and works hard. He is legitimately my best friend, when he's not in a "flare up", as I call it. He tells me always that his career goals are to advance to a level that I only have to work if I want to (which I always will..), he pays all of our bills, he does all of our budgeting, and we certainly do have a good life together. We do fun things together and we have common interests, but I never know when something will set him off and our day will be ruined (always something I have said or done, of course). To other people, he brags about my accomplishments and talents, and when someone compliments me or tells him how nice I look, his response is always "I know, she's always beautiful" (but of course at home, my pj's are ugly, my shoes are weird, my hobbies are a waste, and my cooking is subpar.. I just can't understand the transition). I love him, which is why I could never leave him, despite all of his short comings and outbursts of unreasonable and irrational anger. He's never physically hurt me, although his words hurt terribly at times. He never, ever apologizes for anything, but we have a trusting relationship and that's something that is so important to me.

    Recently, he has become very involved in some various activities, in which he has met a lot of new people and made a lot of friends. He now has an outlet to relieve his stress and burn some energy while socializing and enjoying himself, and that has helped immensely. In fact, for a while, he was a totally new man. His anger had subsided and his outbursts were few.. our arguments were mild and he had become so patient, understanding, and caring. I thought I was dreaming! His old self began to resurface after a while and he has fallen back into his old habits, but I know now that that part of him does exist and in our darkest moments, I remember that a gentler, calmer man is inside of him somewhere. When he's not angry, he's wonderful. He makes jokes at my expense and he pushes me to my limits often, but I know that he loves me and occasionally, he'll give me the credit I deserve (when he's not accusing me of "fishing for compliments" when I ask him how he thinks I look in a new outfit or something). We have no kids, and I'd like to keep it that way. I've recently rediscovered myself and have become more involved in things that I enjoy, which has helped my sanity greatly. Occasionally he'll join me, but of course not usually without expressing just how big a favor he's doing for me, because he'd rather be doing other things. I ignore him and just appreciate the fact that he's willing to do things I like with me, and try to remember that those words and expressions are just his personality disorder- if he didn't actually want to join me, he certainly wouldn't, that's for sure.

    Learning to live with a narcissist first starts with acknowledging the problem within that person, and realizing that ITS NOT YOU. Regaining your self worth and confidence is hard, and creating boundaries is even harder, but if you are willing to put forth the effort and are ready for the tidal wave of defensiveness you will encounter during the process, you'll be ok. Learn how to communicate with your loved one, and how to stand fast in your boundaries. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself when you need to, and to walk away when you need to. Pick your battles wisely, and always be prepared for the surprise outburst. The evil looks, the eye rolls, the false accusations - I'm realizing they will never fully go away, and there are periods of times that are much worse than others - but choose your course of action wisely and know that it's not you. Its ok to hold them accountable for things, and it's also ok to ignore them when they are at their worst. Put distance between you if they're being unreasonable and hurtful, and it's something that you can't let go of, try to bring it up at a later date when things have calmed down, and you can attempt to talk about it reasonably. That works for me occasionally, and I've learned how to express myself in a way that he doesn't take offense to. I always pair my "complaints" or dissatisfaction's with a compliment, or a giggle. I could go on and on, but reading this article has helped me so much.. just knowing that I'm not alone and certainly not crazy.. and the advice that was provided is very helpful. Reading all of the comments has given me a sense of hopefulness and support, and I hope that someone reading my comment can benefit as well.

  • Comment Link Girija Tuesday, 01 August 2017 10:09 posted by Girija

    Well, am with my love since past 6 years and he is the epitome of narcissism!

    1. Never ever ever accepts his mistake. Even if God tells him, he won't !

    2. Can never bear criticism!

    3. If ever I try to pour some since into his head as politely as possible, he cuts the call and blocks/ switches off his cell. He hates if I ask him any normal question also.

    4. If ever I try to defend myself, he terms it as an argument and warns me to keep mum or else he would not talk to me till I do.

    5. Every wrong thing he has done were not a big deal for him. But even one trivial mistake of mine, is what he considers as the biggest blunder.

    6. He abuses and when I reply, he again can't reply. He has justifications for all his abuses. He says I deserve it. And if once in a blue moon, if do the same (it ain't in my nature, but he instigates me), he calls me ill-mannered.

    The list goes on and on and on. And am helpless as I don't know why can't I ever unlove him. Maybe coz am scared to see him with someone else. Sigh !

  • Comment Link Denise Wednesday, 26 July 2017 08:06 posted by Denise

    Well my nightmare started when I flew out from Tennessee to California to help my mom with a health issue....I had total support from my then husband...yes honey you go we are at the age that our parents need you go and I will hold down the have my total support and love....I went and my mom got worse to the point I told my husband I have to stay because I think she is dying....again he said as long as it takes honey....even though his family was asking when is your wife coming back or is she....well I now know why he was sooooooo got it he had a girlfriend......sooooooo the day I said I was coming home he texted me and said no dont come home I have a girlfriend and Im in love and its a fresh new start....soooooooo here I was kicked to the curb at 55 yrs with my toxic parents my car was in Tennessee my friends my job my life my security my home I made so beautiful for him and i....needless to say I was devastated embarrassed scared for 10 months i lived with my parents at 55 being their cinderella cooking cleaning being bossed around doing all the grocery shopping and did I mention my parents are narcissistic...they said you must have done something for him to leave you.... so finally he sent my car my clothes and half our beautiful furnishings out in Im just totally broken from the betrayal and living under my toxic parents roof for 10 months....i had zero self esteem....if i wanted to go somewhere I had to ask for permission....if I took too long at the grocery store i was questioned where else did you go we know how long it should take....i cleaned all day cleaned the pool weeded sweeped moped cooked everything because that was my pay for them letting me stay remember I am 55 yrs old....I was going out of my mind I felt like the trapped child i was years and years prior.....well guess what...the first guy that paid attention to me i looked at as my savior from this hell...I didnt have a dime to my name....didnt know what I was going to do....I couldnt work because who would take care of my toxic parents.....well I ended up moving out and building a life with my "savior" my mom hired a gal to replace me and my dad ran off with her leaving my mother stranded after 58 yrs of again I had to be there for my mom and put my life on hold....well I married my Savior but realized early on I married a narcissist.....just my luck....I have to wear my hair long I cant wear V neck t shirts because that is slutty...I cant have any friends I couldnt even go to lunch with a gal I met while he was at work.....because he was working and how dare i have fun..... hes jealous of my children only wants me to love only him and pay attention to only of his friends can open our frig and grab 5 beers but if my son grabs 1 soda he has a fit....he only wants me in jeans tshirts ball game and boots....if I try to look nice and put a cute blouse on or a dress he pouts and wont talk to me for days because i must have been up to something or i must want attention from men....I can never ever go without a bra even in my own home...because someone might drop by.....I watered out front one time in my jammies flannet by the way he punished me for days over that....this last pouting session lasted 13 days without him speaking one word to me....i would try to reach out through texting and still nothing....he was going to punish me....and it was over him not helping me with my motorcycle when it broke down...i really needed his help but he chose to help others because he felt like I was telling him what to do.....Hes always very very nice to everyone else eager to help them move or fix their car...but refuses to even change a light bulb for me.....i have lost what self esteem i had left...I fixed up the front yard totally by myself planted flowers and bushes and trees....and made a cute seating area with a cute rock walkway it turned out adorable....he hates it and said im trying to show off to the neighbors....I dont care about the neighbors I did it because I take pride in my home and want it nice for us.....Im 12 yrs older and I feel ugly and would love to have botox to hide the age and lines....he said oh so now you want to look young for someone else....Im doomed I have jumped from the frying pan to the fire.....I am a nice person I work very very hard never a speck of dust in my home not a thing out of place always an empty laundry basket...always a clean towel for his shower always big beautiful hot meals when he walks in from work....i take care of all our paperwork that man does not have to worry about one thing except getting up for work....i refuses to help around the house or yard saying he is the only one working and paying the bills so dont even ask....but if i get a neighbor to help me i get son is struggling and asked if he could move in just to get back on track and my husband hasnt spoken to me since....he does not have children and has zero empathy...even though he was still getting help from people in his late forties....he does not want me happy I am a prisoner i cant have friends i cant like anything he things its stupid....hes never wrong he twist things to make me feel crazy...he refuses to communicate just pouts with his arms crossed like a child....if I ask him a question about something he will only shrug....because answering me would be like he was hen pecked.....I cut my hair a year ago because it was falling out so bad and looked thin so i cut it to my shoulders and it looked so much healthier...he refused to sleep with me or talk to me for a week and still says i didnt ask permission to cut my hair knowing he prefers long this point my blood pressure is at stroke level...and I dont care if I die...yes i have children and a grandchild but I cant be any good to anyone being so sad...its an embarassment that I have married this type of man and have subjected my children he treats them terrible wont even talk to them when they come to one son refuses to come back breaks my heart....I have always thought of myself as a strong independent person...i moved out of my parents at 17 and never looked back never asked for a dime....until my ex kicked me to the curb....I am sure I settled for the man Im with because i wanted out of my toxic parents house....but I dont deserve this....but honestly i am scared to go back to work at my age i would have a hard time finding full-time work and could not pay for health insurance car insurance car registration rent utilities groceries etc.....I feel like a caged animal and a total loser for putting up with this....I really dont know what to do.....I am so alone

  • Comment Link Becky Nichols Saturday, 22 July 2017 13:41 posted by Becky Nichols

    The description of a narcissist is pretty good. The only thing I see wrong is why would anyone try to cope with this. Get the he'll out as fast as you can!! It does not change or get better and don't ever think they can't be dangerous.

  • Comment Link Hope Saturday, 22 July 2017 04:56 posted by Hope

    Thank you so much. Now I know I am not alone. I figure them husband is a narcissistic. At first it is so difficult but now I used to. I have children with him.

  • Comment Link Hope Always Thursday, 20 July 2017 18:38 posted by Hope Always

    THANK YOU for creating this site... I, too, am losing my mind at the hands of a narc/mpd partner. I feel like a ghost of who I used to be. I just turned 40 and people say I still look young as 26 but my hair is starting to thin, and I feel elderly/used up/exhausted.... so many of the comments here are EXACTLY what I am going through.... I eat Ramen noodles so the kids have enough to eat and bc he has to have something different and tasty for every meal and snacks.... I work from home and I am more a prisoner now than when I worked in offices. Some days I don't even step outside. I feel like I deserve nothing, like I am a failure to my kids, my parents, myself.... suicide is so tempting sometimes.... but I can't do that to my kids. SOmetimes i think of speeding my van off a bridge and making it look like an accident.... CRAZY SHYT these people will make you start thinking about..... just to have some relief, some solace.... there is no escape,... i cant even sleep anymore.... Ive tried to leave... hes stopped me dead in my tracks.... blames me for everything... lies and twists everything and remembers shyt wrong-- so i am always in a whirlwind of panic and guilt and whatever else. Im sorry-- I used to be great at writing and communicating but now I mix up words, call my kids each other's names by accident all the time... cant remember shyt... Im so sorry to see so many others dealing with these people.... they are some side of evil incarnate. Praying/hoping for all of us...... love to us living this nightmare....

  • Comment Link Elizabeth Cabrera Wednesday, 19 July 2017 21:34 posted by Elizabeth Cabrera

    Thank you so much for all of this info dealing with my exhusband again is driving me crazy to the point I have trouble sleeping at night .

  • Comment Link annabel keville Friday, 14 July 2017 06:38 posted by annabel keville

    I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We have two wonderful children, a lovely house, we are financially sound. You'd think life was perfect but sadly its not. I am so frustrated that for us as a family we have all the right ingredients to make for a happy existence but my husband is never content with anything. I have realised only recently that his behaviour is not right and its not my fault. In the past I have pushed our problems under the carpet and said to myself 'tomorrow is another day -start afresh'. He is super critical of me, there is always something I haven't done even though I try desperately to make the house clean, look after the children and fulfil a teaching job at the same time. I don't want to make out like I'm a saint - I'm not - I know I'm not perfect. But he always seems to highlight my flaws constantly and not take my opinions in to account - he always has to be right and if I disagree he'll say 'you do that on principal - you always disagree with everything I say' and yet my opinion is dismissed without further ado. To others he's delightful and charming but at home he's like a sergeant major and doesn't want to talk to me unless its about the house or to tell me I haven't done something- ahhhhhhh! I'm documenting in a diary now all of these events on a daily basis to check im not going mad. Very useful to hear other people's experiences.

  • Comment Link Heather Laymac Thursday, 13 July 2017 02:24 posted by Heather Laymac

    Wow. Every point in this article fits my husband to the T. This is a hard life. I have spent 9 years trying to reason with his tantrums and lies and degrading comments. The look of disgust I get daily. And trying to figure out why I stay. No one I know understands or has ever described this in their husband. Wish I had a support group.

  • Comment Link Tracy Conroy Wednesday, 12 July 2017 19:10 posted by Tracy Conroy

    I have known my husband of 19 years is narcissistic. As a therapist myself, I feel hypocritical when I tell other woman to run for the hills. My husband is very smooth talking and he leads people to believe he is someone who he is not and god forbid he slips and someone sees him for who he really is -he continues to show his true colors. He has multiple affairs and I always take him back and he always tells the woman I am verbally and physically abusive, I hate his son, I am never there for him, I am never home, I am cheating on him, he just wants to be loved. He promises these woman he will marry them, throws the I love you word out and one would think that after all these years he KNOWS they are going to come to me and tell me this he still uses these lines. I am forming a club these days. I mean seriously.... So this is where I am at.... After 26 years of this abuse I need to no what I can do to STOP him and make a believer out of him. He is really scared I am going to leave him and I no he knows he has went to far this time. He cannot handle it when he does not know what I am going to do and he cannot handle the thought of me leaving. I do not want to leave him but I need to do something that makes him stop.

  • Comment Link RandomScreenIdiot Tuesday, 11 July 2017 15:08 posted by RandomScreenIdiot

    Moved in with the love of my life 6 months ago. We have a 7 year old son and I've known his father for 34 years. Or thought I did. And yes all the signs were there. I've battled major depressive disorder and various anxiety issues my whole life, but this... It's been brutal. Thought I was losing my mind.

    I can attest, as to arguments, just don't engage. He'll, for example, say the most vicious things and when called out on it there are denials, dismissals and "why are you being defensive, my words don't mean anything".

    We share a child and a business situationship. I fear for my son's mental well being and we are financially vulnerable.

    Thanks for the article. Am I delusional for still trying to wake him up to the fact that he needs professional help? His was an abusive childhood and thus far difficult adulthood. I fear that should we leave he'll spiral out into an even worse place.

  • Comment Link Christine Sunday, 09 July 2017 19:19 posted by Christine

    I have just recently discovered my commonlaw male spouse is a narcissist. Now I know why the past 7 years have been hell. To make it worse, he is a subtle narcissist so it has been much harder to recognize. However, it doesn't make it any easier to live with. He'll is hell. I've only just recently been financially able to support myself and move out hopefully but even that is a struggle.He has destroyed my confidence and self esteem to the max. I don't know who I am anymore. Everyday is an emotional uphill battle.

  • Comment Link Tonya Thursday, 06 July 2017 16:48 posted by Tonya

    Run. That's all I can say. I discovered that my soon to be ex-husband was a narcissist after he filed for divorce and then tried to make it seem like it was all my fault. I have a 1 year old and him and dear old mother in law were both in court trying to paint a picture that I was this awful wife and mother. He moved out and left me broke. Had a secret bank account. My credit is now show and I'm struggling to make ends meet. He plays the role of doting father whenever we have court and now, I have to bring him the baby every single day! He's soo mean to me everyday. Plus, he has a girlfriend and won't tell me where he takes my son. Run if you can ladies before you are in too deep!

  • Comment Link colette Sunday, 02 July 2017 10:16 posted by colette

    I have been married to my 2nd husband now for 4 years and I know with out a doubt that he is narcissistic . everything that I have read, i can relate too. coming across this sight I feel can truly help me. I feel I am losing my mind.... I am so lonely and depressed and I am usually a very happy go lucky, positive person. I can really relate to the things I have read and I feel , finally i have found a place where others are going through the same thing. I would love to become part of this group for support.

  • Comment Link Kristen Sunday, 02 July 2017 01:05 posted by Kristen

    I would love to be able to talk to someone about this. This is a hard life to live. I do everything for him with no respect or appreciation. I am too embarrassed to talk to my family or friends about this.

  • Comment Link Rhonda Sunday, 25 June 2017 15:05 posted by Rhonda

    Wht happen to good old fashion love

  • Comment Link James Saturday, 24 June 2017 05:33 posted by James

    Run for the hills if you have anything to do with a narcissist. You think Ted Bundy or Hitler is bad. This type of person will suck your self worth away and torture you worse then Lucifer himself could at the same time. My EX Wife is the most vile person I have ever experienced. I am going on 4 years of trying to escape her Narcissistic traits...words don't do justice to what she does and feels heartfelt justified in doing.

  • Comment Link James Saturday, 24 June 2017 05:25 posted by James

    Why are just men narcissist? My ex wife haunts me till this day and has every sign. I've lost two houses and now going back to the lawyer because she abuses me and our parenting agreement will collecting a huge child support check. As the saying goes she's never been wrong. We didn't have sex for years... my fault of course...she hates her family, me and anyone else that's not kissing her big fat ace.

  • Comment Link Courtney Johnson Saturday, 24 June 2017 03:16 posted by Courtney Johnson

    What do I do now? I so need some help in this marriage. Next month I will be married to a narcissist He fits every defention of one. Please help, I'm so tired.

  • Comment Link Claire Friday, 23 June 2017 02:33 posted by Claire

    I read a lot of the post here, so I am not going to repeat the same behaviors. This is my husband to the t. I am staying , I am 71. So I have little choice. He is vindictive, I tried to leave. I learned a lot from this blog and of course, I was doing it all wrong. I would like to join and have others to talk to and become a support group to get through this in one piece with my mind in tact.

  • Comment Link Beth Thursday, 22 June 2017 12:56 posted by Beth

    Really good article. I have been in the same spots, wondering why I wasn't good enough but at the same time not "allowed" to do the things it took to make myself better. Once I started back to school, when my youngest was starting school himself, it was like I had brought it on...he was trying to work more so he could keep me home (who will take care of the kids when no one is home?), not giving me the money for my classes and purposely overspending (and of course blaming me because I bought that new dress at walmart) so I wouldn't have the opportunity to "steal" from our joint account, moving us around so I wouldn't be able to stay in school...Then it was imperative for him to be a better everything...acting classes, comedy classes, comedy showcases, all started because he was more important. I was never a give up/ victim type of person so I perservered, tried to save what there was of a marriage (mostly for the kids) but figured out a way to stay in school. My non compliance was too much for him and after a terribly rough and long divorce, I am happy to say it is over and I am almost finished with school (whew! the stress was enough to kill a person, add in difficult classes and raising kids...) I may not be in the best spot financially now but I know my kids' and my own future looks bright. I am sure I have PTSD from it all (20 years together) and am trying to learn as much as I can so I can be there for my kids and help them to cope as well (he has visitation every other weekend but is always leaving them with a babysitter or alone to go do his "important" stuff, so I am grateful for the small amount of contact he chooses to have with them). Again, thank you for the article!

    On a side note I want to say, I know many others are going through or have gone through this type of abuse, my heart goes out to all of you. If you can get away do so. If not, create a support network, through neighbors, family, coworkers, etc., if possible, even find support groups if they are available (through churches, hospitals, community programs) reach out to someone even if it is just to take a walk or a bike ride. Please take the time to get to know yourself again and understand it's okay to take your time to recover. Remember, you are not alone.

  • Comment Link Shaprouh Wednesday, 14 June 2017 11:57 posted by Shaprouh

    I am just learning to accept my N husband. He is also an addict and is now legitimately using again due to some surgeries. It was only a few days after he began that the extra crazy started. I'm seeing a therapist and trying to build a support group and locate what info I can about finances. I hate living like this. It's hell

  • Comment Link HH Monday, 12 June 2017 17:33 posted by HH

    Financial issues and intermittent health problems, caused by this nightmare, have kept me where I am for years, in a roommate-by-default relationship that I put all the energy into to keep civil, but now I have a means to escape, shall we say, once I can function again. I'm bedridden right now and my social support totally disintegrated, so I'll have to build my escape ladder from scratch. Because I'm isolated and he is my only social connection, I find he entrains me emotionally, me starting out upbeat and him dragging things down to as dismal as possible. Sometimes I get carried away because of my enthusiasm for something, I'm Little Mary Sunshine by nature, lol!, which just throws him into predatory mode.

    I discovered a way to deal with his soul-crushing moves a few years ago that worked for me when I was in a position to interact with others just even superficially, I found I could hold on to that positive entrainment in those connections, but I have no one else to talk to now to counter his positive-synapse-squashing behavior. I've figured out ways to interact with him that maintain some stretches of calm between storms, but I'm forced into this role that's somewhere between Scheherazade and a participant in 4D chess.

    He always finds a way to mess things up, social, financial, environment. There's always the undercurrent of threat of how he's going to mess up our situation again, so I'm constantly struggling with that potential- or actual-crisis-inducing fight-or-flight brainfog, where I can't calmly figure out how to plan my escape, to the point for many months now I've lost the will to try. I've gone from being a scrappy fighter to this, a place I've never been before. I need to talk to someone to reestablish my connection with "ME" so I can make plans and get out of here. The few occasions I've talked to other people recently, it feels like a miracle, the "ME" in me comes out of hiding, totally intact. The difference in how I feel being with him and how it is interacting with other people is mind boggling.

    I've done the research, I've read a ton, I know all the twists and turns here. Something I don't see acknowledged much is that women can be trapped, just like me, Some of us figure it out and would love to distance ourselves, but "they" are geniuses at using the specifics of our circumstances, the kids, the money, the living space, our cherished nests, possessions, the nightmare we'll have to go through to get out, the ominous threat of what they will do to us as we reach the door or once we're gone, our health problems being pushed to the point of no return. It doesn't have to be a direct physical threat, it can be an implicit, unacknowledged financial threat, it can be the threat of being jerked around emotionally to the point we can't function to do what's necessary to survive, finally free, dead a few feet from our cages. Some people say to leave it all. Yeah, he can trash my life and I'll just go live on the street, let me engage a bunch of social service types, which is worse?

    On another level, I also question staying with someone being framed as a relationship addiction. I would go so far as to say that, in many instances, on some deep primal level women (and some men) realize, "The smallest unit of survival is two" (read that in a book somewhere :)) and from that same deep primal level they also know how hard it is, how time-consuming it is, how maybe unlikely it is, to make a new connection, and so somewhere in their primal wiring they take what feels like the path requiring the least work, economy of energy, the bond that seems to have stuck, as bad as it is. We are wired to be in a relationship. Besides getting beyond that unconscious wiring (although I can see some people making this a conscious decision), the idea of just picking yourself up and heading off somewhere else is a fantasy in some shrinks' heads, it's not based on most people's reality and options at all. It's a huge project in most instances.

    All I've said so far is just to put me in a context. I don't want to talk about this miserable wretch who destroyed my life, I want to talk about what interests me, looming current events and deep state politics, for example, or even silliness, I love to joke and laugh. It does seem essential that someone has experienced and understands what I've just described, but I want to put energy into something not focussed on it. If there's anyone reading this who feels the same, maybe we could find a way to communicate, or if somebody knows a site where members can communicate directly, I would love the address. I'm a health nut, just turned 70, located in Brooklyn, NY, stuck in bed right now recovering from the latest insomnia-induced relapse from a situation he created. Like I said, when I interact with other people, it breaks the spell, which is what I need now that I have the means to leave.

  • Comment Link Jackie Lee Sunday, 11 June 2017 04:03 posted by Jackie Lee

    I've been married to a narcissist for 27 years. While I've heard the term thrown around over the years, it's only been the last few years that I've been able to fully understand the reality of his disorder. Because of my religion and children, I stay in the marriage. This article is the best I've found that speaks to my situation. I can't begin to explain all the scenarios that fit, as there are too many. Although I've set some boundaries after briefly seeing a therapist a few years back (which he hated me doing), his cold shoulder treatments continue to make me walk on eggshells. I'm not one that deals with confrontation easily and he uses this to his advantage. Most recently, he hardly spoke to me for days because I threw my back out and had to take a day to recover enough to even walk. He sees doctors every week (for years now) for various reasons, but makes me feel I should never see a doctor. I know it's not healthy, but I fear he would make my life more miserable if I chose to leave. He uses our children, our assets, and my religion to make leaving seem impossible. Still, I do love him and yet, I pity him. It helps just writing these words down.

  • Comment Link Broken Thursday, 08 June 2017 23:43 posted by Broken


  • Comment Link ConfusedMicmic Thursday, 08 June 2017 04:13 posted by ConfusedMicmic

    I am not crazy and I finally know what the problem with my husband is. This article is really good.

    My husband is a loving and generous man (a false angel?) I fell in love with his patience, his confidence, his kindness. He has always put his family before himself and now he really takes care of me and our dogs and cats. He doesn't torture me if I don't cook, If I don't want to have sex or if I go out with friends. He is not jealous and leaves me lot of freedom...BUT
    this is only if I do not criticize him or disagree.
    If he is nervous if he doesn't like the way I answer the rage comes.
    we fight rarely but when we do it is a disaster. If I don't walk away when he starts to raise his voice he will break everything around blaming me because I did not walk away. 2 days ago he made a damage at home of around 1500usd between tv and computer destroyed. I usually tell him OK all the time, but his way of thinking is so strange that you never know when the anger will strike.

    When he doesn't have these moments he is a fantastic husband.

    what to do?

    In moments like this I feel like dying.

  • Comment Link DawnW Monday, 05 June 2017 19:38 posted by DawnW

    Wow reading this article and then the comments really make me think I am making the right decision of divorcing my narcissist husband after 28 years. I go back and forth with am I doing the right thing then I get suckered into his charm and feel like "maybe I give it one more try" well this time is the last, I filed papers Friday (today is Monday) so I am one step closer!! I wish all luck if you are staying with your narcissist and kudos to those who have left!!

  • Comment Link Kim Monday, 05 June 2017 14:50 posted by Kim

    narcissistic men think they are perfect and love when they can control you they love to alienate you and are very unsocial because their mouths would show their true color . They think it has to be done their way and they have full control of everyone they are undoubtly the most self centered people and have no sympathy of others ! I feel like they don't know how to love and when they say they love you it is questionable because it is all about them The funny thing is the narcissistic person I m married to claims to be a devout Christian and that truly is a joke ! How cause he can't love like Christ !! That is the main thing Christ ask from us is to love as he does but my husband don't love ! Loves to control and bulley he loves to make you feel a less of a person but he hasn't looked in the mirror lately and always think church of Christ is the only ones going to heaven ! Sad but true !!

  • Comment Link AnnMarie Thursday, 01 June 2017 02:56 posted by AnnMarie

    I have been married 58 years. It took me many years before I found out I was not crazy. Believe me it gets worse the older we get. He is a child in a man's body. All about him. Always right never wrong always my fault. He is verbally abuse like I am stupid or as he says have dementia. He says I don't listen to him. When he gets mad he says he cannot take it anymore and wants to leave. I to him am A workhorse, wants 3 cooked meals a day and is always mad and angry. What do I do? I pray every day that Jesus will take me to his kingdom. Every day I wonder what will be next. PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

  • Comment Link Rozazo Wednesday, 24 May 2017 17:52 posted by Rozazo

    Currently 2 years in a marriage with a narcissist which has taken me a long time to figure out. Husband is demanding and takes over my whole life. His family encourage his behaviour enabling him to be angry and live off the drama. From the day we got married there was a flip, I was an item in the room and no longer the happy bubbly independent woman I once was. This article makes me realise all the things I have sacrificed for him. So from here on im going to do me. Travel, go out with the girls and dress up and take care of me. Its time for him to see he cant break me. If he cant keep up then he knows I'm not going to wait for him to grow up. Narcissistic behaviour is not something you have to deal with or fix. I love him but sick of sacrificing my happiness for him.

  • Comment Link Zukiswa thafeni Wednesday, 24 May 2017 16:04 posted by Zukiswa thafeni

    Reading this was like watching my life in a movie. It I'd such s truthful narrative. I welcome the ideas on how to live with it but I decide not to . I call it ...IT because it is a disease. A disorder. Thank you for ghd enlightenment.

  • Comment Link connienilson Sunday, 21 May 2017 06:14 posted by connienilson

    wee have beenmarried 9 yrs and all that you say is right on

  • Comment Link Heike Apold Saturday, 20 May 2017 12:09 posted by Heike Apold

    Hi, i agree totally with what you guys say. I am 55 years married and sacrifice and hopehas changed his behaviour.Now beeing older,exhausted and sick,his ,loving, remark is: ,,why don't you kill yourself"
    One thing I know for sure is, I will not go down to his level,but I also know, he never let me leave. Good luck to you all

  • Comment Link Luannerene Wednesday, 10 May 2017 01:15 posted by Luannerene

    It was good to find some info here about how to deal with a narcissists behavior as opposed to the majority of info out there that pretty much says dont deal with a narcissit leaves it at that. Thanks for your insight.

    uanne rene

  • Comment Link Marie Tuesday, 09 May 2017 20:04 posted by Marie

    I have been divorced from my ex 1.5 years after a 24 year marriage. He is an alcoholic, and I always thought that was the problem until I started researching narciccism. I was amazed. This perfectly describes what I have been going through. I could not understand why he would treat me so badly. When he threatened to kill me if I left that's when I knew I had to make a plan, it saddened me because we have three children and I wanted our marriage to work so bad. Going forward a year and a half until present, I always hoped he would quit drinking and we could put our home back together. Part of his previous behavior was womanizing and it really bothered me though he would not admit to it. I have kept him involved in the family get togethers...and he expected that, but did not include me in his personal plans. Now that he is trying to stop drinking, he is moving on to other woman instead of putting our home back together. The research I have been looking at, I'm amazed how much is out there, has made me realize I'm codepedant, and there is nothing I can do to change him. I have taken on so much blame, degrading, and disrespect. The research has made me feel better to know I'm not the problem, although I know I'm not perfect either. I'm seeing its a mental disorder that in most cases can't be cured. I am a believer, so I believe God can change anything but for now, I'm going to do my best to move on. Thank you for this article. Reading all of the posts has been enlightening, so familiar, and offered great support. Thank you.

  • Comment Link PussyCat Monday, 08 May 2017 10:18 posted by PussyCat

    Read HG Tudor. He will explain everything about narcissism that you need to know. They will not change. Ever.

  • Comment Link M.Boehm Friday, 05 May 2017 05:28 posted by M.Boehm

    All is so darn TRUE...
    I do not do facebook

  • Comment Link louisa Monday, 01 May 2017 07:21 posted by louisa

    Thank you. I needed this.. and the comments tonight. It's been a hard 30 or so years. Its been a hard day. But i do not feel alone, Thank you.

  • Comment Link Shamie Saturday, 29 April 2017 13:06 posted by Shamie

    Hi there I have narcissistic boyfriend who has as little girl but she us living with as he doesn't have a fix address at the moment.I love her like she is my own. We dnt have any children together. She calls me mummy as she dsnt knw her own mom who is on drugs. There are times I want to give up and let go but I knw I will always worry about her and I wld nevef forgive myself If I did so. And he knows how feel about her so whenever he feels I'm not being a great girlfriend he would take her away and I wouldn't hear anything but he also knows he needs my help. What do I do because it feels to me like I have to let go of her in order to be free of him

  • Comment Link Fenn Thursday, 27 April 2017 20:10 posted by Fenn

    Hi I have found your article very helpful. I emphatised with the other women. i have been married for over forty years, and only a few days ago I really learnt that my husband is a narcissist. All the many years I baffled my mind trying to put a name to his behavior. I have attempted suicide, and even survived a nervous breakdown. Now that I know what I am dealing with it makes it easier for me because now I wil just ignore his tantrums. I have learnt to be happy with myself and to ignore him in bed as he did to me. It was not easy but I have overcome those feelings of rejection.I stay up late either reading or watching a nice movie or listen something christian on utube. So when I get in my bed I just roll over and very soon I am fast asleep totally ignoring him. Sometimes I wake up to see that he is not sleeping.Just giving him a dose of his own medicine.

  • Comment Link r Tuesday, 25 April 2017 20:27 posted by r

    Alproaching our 2nd anniversary. His behavior became aparent not long after wedding but last 6 mo it has been CONSTANT AND HORRIBLE. Over past 7 days we fought 3 times over 3 diff subjects. He walks out and gives me silent treatment, hides in bedroom so i have to sleep on couch. Normally he "accepts"y apology by next day, but this last fight, its been 3 solid days of his angry acting silence. I am not arguing anymore, and i am not apologizing any more either.

    The last fight was over a girl he talks to. So now he is texting me accusing me of lying about a man i dated long ago before we were a couple as if that has anything to do with anything. Pushing blame on me, making it allllly fault! lol. Text book.

    I do not respond anymore to his outbursts. He told me (many diff timesnover 2 years) that he is divorcing me. First few times i cried and humbled and groveled. Time before this was a few months ago, said he hated my children and was leaving. I said OK and walked away, soon he "forgave" me and stayed.

    Few days ago he again threatened to leave. I didnt stop what i was doing, i did not get upset. I have not said anything one way or the other. Now, as i write this, after 3 solid days of his HELL he just called me all happy n cbeerful like nothi g was ever wrong! Un-fucking-real!!!!!

    I am unemployed and have 2 kids and a mortgage, if i had a job i would kick him out. When i get a job, i will arrange an exit plan/divorce without him aware till last minute.

    I have some secret money put back hidden, cash, for an emergency if i gotta grab kids and run some day before i get a job. We live in fear of his temper.

    Thank you for your article, truth, and advice.

  • Comment Link paulajr1317 Monday, 24 April 2017 16:42 posted by paulajr1317

    This is very helpful... I have been with my husband for 12 years, all the signs were there from day 1, I just chose to ignore them and with hopes that it might just be a phase and he would change, after leaving him twice, I always come back because truth is that I truly do love him, and even though I left him for lying and not caring, he STILL makes himself be the victim TO THIS DAY! the fact that I left him for lying and cheating is MY FAULT and me leaving will always be my fault and MY LOSS.. I have him 200% and get no credit for it... he still till this day lies and always turns it around to fall back on me with doubts and accusations-- I love him so much , and as much as a part of me would love to adjust to him and live by his rules, I just cant help but feel that it would not be fair to me! I have been faithful to him and always put his wants and needs first, I try to change to make him happy! and I would continue to do so but just starting to feel tired of getting nothing in return! I have so much love to give and I have to much respect to give, but what about me? I want to also feel loved and wanted! he is not afraid to lose me (or so he says) and yet I fear the thought of having to be without him! I talk less and less with my friends about it because I feel like a broken record and to the point where I am the only one who really cares! I am at a point where its him or me! do you think counseling might help him see the things I have tried to make him see and understand???
    Has anyone tried counseling ??

  • Comment Link Celestina Saturday, 22 April 2017 05:25 posted by Celestina

    I am married to a narcissist for the second time. It's not that i have deliberately chosen a narcisist every time but since I am an overachiever i tend to feel attracted to overachievers myself...And there seem to be a link between achieving and narcisism???
    My first marriage failed after a year and I am happy it did because it's was not good for me. I have forgiven my ex-husband and we eventually split up assets amicably 5 years after our separation after a lot of patience on my behalf. I felt victorious in the long run even though it was hurtful.
    Well i ended up with another narcisist and have been married to him for 10 years. He is a loving talented man, until the ogre gets awaken. Sometimes it only takes me doing a comment about something bringing a different perspective to what he thinks.

    The slightest sign of me not agreeing with him seems to be greatly offensive and challenging for him. I often forget who am I dealing with and try to have discussions. I found very stimulating to have discussions with differing points of view. I think they are healthy and necessary for growth. But it's impossible with my husband who takes it so personally when i dare to have my own opinion.

    The reason why i still live with him is he is a really good man and he is worthy. I cannot paint these last 10 years in black and white saying he is the responsible for me not doing this or that. It's been hard for me specially going through illness or professional challenges in my career without the emotional support, for narcissist don't do empathy at all. I forget that all the time and get frustrated because i don't get that from him.

    Its also difficult to trust the person i love bringing up concerns when has done something hurtful only to find out he turns conversation around to make me guilty of what happened and insist i take 100% responsibility for what he did wrong.
    I found this article very helpful. It's not always possible to walk away from a relationship. I love my husband and I can see a whole bunch of qualities to want to be with him. I am aware the more control i have over my life, my well being, my behaviour the stronger i become and the less likely his manipulative nature is going to come out.
    It just requires a lot of inner strength.

    I am not sure i will stay in this relationship for ever. I have stayed so far because i have seen his efforts to make it work. And he had showed he loves me in his way. I have learned from him about business and a lot bunch of other useful staff. He has worked hard to develop himself as a person specially to keep our marriage. I love him dearly.
    I have grown to accept many things i rejected before. Acceptance makes him change for the better. His change is not always steady. When i think i have won a battle i see him go backwards. Even though he will ever acknowledge his problem i know he knows it and hates it as much as i do.
    And i can walk away from this comment box saying he is the only problem i our marriage. Every one carries the own dose of disfunctionality and i am not exception. Whilst this article speaks about not victim blaming, we all know there is always two sides to a truth and when i take every opportunity to develop myself as a person i become more powerful and in control of my life.
    This was a wonderful opportunity to share my experience and read about other people's experiences and it's been very healing. Thanks

  • Comment Link Dana Wednesday, 19 April 2017 20:39 posted by Dana

    I am so happy that I accidentally found this article. I am in a marriage like this and all I can say is my soul is tired.

  • Comment Link cherryl jordan jones Sunday, 16 April 2017 03:19 posted by cherryl jordan jones

    when I saw the attitude my husband portrayed before e got married i googled it and found out he was a narcissist and being a christian i prayed that God will heal him. now living with him i see i had the chance to not get married but did not because God is bigger than any problem. reading articles continually and now reading this site i realize that i have already taken some of the steps to freedom but sometimes i forget and try to operate as though he is normal and when his character comes into play then i am reminded. i really feel it for the many women like me who live in this type of relationship. i guess it is hard to recognize it at first because they appear so nice. one thing though are narcissist mostly men?

  • Comment Link Theresa Zabielski Thursday, 13 April 2017 14:02 posted by Theresa Zabielski

    LOL, I found an article from Mayo Clinic describing narcissism and border line personality disorder, which describe my husband of 5 years to a T! Sent him the article via message telling him this is 200% text book you!
    Just doing that empowered me! Letting him know I'm on to his game gave me the strength to know he can no longer push me around with his nonsense!

    Dr. Phil also gave a great tip ladies, "a narcissist cannot read their audience" this is so true! They are so into themselves they are unaware of the world that revolves around them!

    Fight for yourself, take back your life! Unlike that A hole!

  • Comment Link Nia Saturday, 01 April 2017 18:47 posted by Nia

    I lived for 12 years with an abusive narcissist. I was the sole breadwinner as I had so "thoroughly destroyed" his life that he couldn't even leave the house for weeks on end, not even to get the mail. Every night when I came home from work he was on the couch watching porn and greeted me, not with a "Hey hun. How was your day?", but "Why are you late?" "When's dinner?" and "How many men did you f*k today?". As a note to the last is that I never cheated on him, but he had at least two affairs that I know of.
    Each day was filled with him expecting me to read his mind to know what he wanted and having to immediately drop everything (work, cooking, laundry, etc.) to cater to him or just listen to him rant about what a horrible, useless, worthless, ugly, stupid person I am. I was continually told that I should do him and the world a favor by killing myself. I tried, several times, and my failed suicides were met with a scornful "you can't even get that right".
    Nothing, and I mean nothing, left the house without a meticulous inspection from him. Imagine dumping the content of weeks-old kitchen garbage bags on to the dining room table and going through it with a spoon, isolating clumps of rotting somethings and asking me to identify what it used to be. If I was unable to identify it to his satisfaction, instant fight ensued with me in fetal position against a wall bracing for the onslaught.
    He tried to go to university, but I ended up buying his books, picking up the assignments from his prof, doing the assignments, writing his take-home exams, and handing them in. In the end it was all my fault that he failed based on non-attendance at classes. Never a "thank you", or "sorry" did I ever hear from him in all those years. If it rained it was my fault.
    In the end, even I reached a breaking point where I realized that either he would kill me or I would succeed in killing myself. Either of those meant that he won. I could not let that happen. I packed a bag (just one) and left when he was in the bathroom. I knew that he would come after me to kill me so I fled knowing I could never look back. I left everything I owned, the money in the bank account, the house, the city; I even left the country. I went to the other side of the world to hide and heal. That was 10 years ago.
    I will never heal completely, but I have come to terms with my scars. I survived. And my survival is my triumph. I won, he lost.

  • Comment Link Crica Wednesday, 29 March 2017 19:13 posted by Crica

    I have gone through this for 18 years. He has tried to break me since the beginning. I did not realize this, until he said to me "I am a narcissist and I am proud of it because it permits me to do my job well." Well from that point on I realized why he always became so angry and miserable when I was happy. He becomes even angrier at the fact that he has not broken me. He says my ability to cope and not break makes him jealous of me. However, I am done. He has now focused on our 10 year old son. We are still living together, but we are not together. He says he is going to get an apartment, but I trust nothing he says. I will leave if he does not. I cry a lot, but would never let him see that because he would only use it as another tool to claim victory in a battle for his pleasure only. By the way, get ready for the humiliation that comes with the need for other women's attention, yes, right in front of you. Ladies, gird your loins, it's a long traumatizing ride with no end, ever!

  • Comment Link mar.jayd.che Monday, 27 March 2017 10:37 posted by mar.jayd.che

    dealing with this right now. we share a daughter and I'm willing to sacrifice my 'needs' for my daughter rather than getting out there and look for new love but who knows. this article is spot on. Im successful and career driven than him. im even

    and yes ladies, they like breaking that confident spirit you always had. they are just good at it.

    you are not alone. staying also means you stop any abuse he can potentially do and at the same time reclaim yourself.

    expect for repeated infidelities

  • Comment Link Jess Monday, 27 March 2017 03:32 posted by Jess

    Finally after all this time I have a name for what he does, I fluked coming across this and so thankful.
    Really really hard atm, I want to leave so badly but something stops me.
    So many of the others comments, ring so true to me.
    My favourite at the moment is everything is fine, then next minute hes yelling at me, stressing about the next thing, fast forward a few minutes I started being a bitch by yelling at him! Cant stand it when he knows the right things to say to get me to react and raise my voice, then hes vindicated.
    Im tired, so very tired of not being allowed an opinion, of being interuppted, of being yelled at, of being called a lying bitch, of everyone we know thinking Im the nasty one when all the traits are there for the ones of us close enough to see.
    Thanks to all for sharing, I know what I need to do now, Im not living my life under his thumb anymore, its already cost my kids and I too much. I care so much for him but need to accept he can never give me or our kids what we need, which is peace and a chance at life

  • Comment Link Margaret Tuesday, 14 March 2017 14:15 posted by Margaret

    Such a helpful article...thank you!

  • Comment Link Ani Monday, 13 March 2017 18:59 posted by Ani

    Great Article.

  • Comment Link clauds Sunday, 12 March 2017 18:18 posted by clauds

    I have been one of those 30 year marriages. I wanted so badly to please my husband and make him proud. My goal was to have our four children be successful and show him how they could be independent and not use him as I thought his first family did. They are now adults . He tried turning all of them against me because he went through all his money and destroyed a family business that supposedly was my fault. I kept believing in him. Get away they take every thing for themselves inducing any of the successes you have accomplished and try and destroy you. The four steps are 1. Put you on a pedestal and make you believe they care about you, 2. demean you so they can start controlling you 3.blame you for what they fail at. 4 . try and make you think your the crazy one. Get away because they have an inner problem you can not fix. The worst thing thing that happens when they start getting pleasure from hurting you. They have a problem and you cant fix it. They self destruct and have no problem trying to destroy you and your family,and finances. It doesn't phase them Go Now!

  • Comment Link clauds Friday, 10 March 2017 20:14 posted by clauds

    I have been one of those 30 year marriages. I wanted so badly to please my husband and make him proud. My goal was to have our four children be successful and show him how they could be independent and not use him as I thought his first family did. They are now adults . He tried turning all of them against me because he went through all his money and destroyed a family business that supposedly was my fault. I kept believing in him. Get away they take every thing for themselves inducing any of the successes you have accomplished and try and destroy you. The four steps are 1. Put you on a pedestal and make you believe they care about you, 2. demean you so they can start controlling you 3.blame you for what they fail at. 4 . try and make you think your the crazy one. Get away because they have an inner problem you can not fix. The worst thing thing that happens when they start getting pleasure from hurting you. They have a problem and you cant fix it. They self destruct and have no problem trying to destroy you and your family,and finances. It doesn't phase them Go Now!

  • Comment Link Rick Tuesday, 07 March 2017 22:58 posted by Rick

    What if the wife is the narcissist?

  • Comment Link Nina Friday, 03 March 2017 01:01 posted by Nina

    I've been married to a full blown narcissist for 45 years but until about 5 years ago hadn't heard of the condition! He has all the usual traits (he's perfect I'm not)! The only good thing to come out of the relationship is my 2 wonderful (perfectly normal) sons and their families! I was never able to leave because his salary was for him to squander, so I worked to support us, like many others I don't receive cards or gifts, go for nice holidays, meals or days out with him, and although I can't escape my life with him I have found my strength and I am the one that excludes him.
    I have amazing friends who are very supportive and there is no pretence! I am honest with them so they have an idea of my life, without the gory details, he killed any love I had for him (I truly loved him and I tried so hard to be what I thought he wanted but it was never enough) and I no longer care enough to react, the result is he is a lonely miserable man who no one actually cares about!
    Stay strong it is not you, you are not crazy! They are damaged and will damage you if you let them!
    My advice is don't hide what you are living with, expose it! The one thing they cannot cope with is people knowing they are not "perfect"!

  • Comment Link Helen Thursday, 02 March 2017 07:03 posted by Helen

    I am now accepting after 40 years of marriage that my husband is an altruistic narcissist. This is difficult, because to the outside world he is charming, generous, a charity fund raiser etc., but during our marriage he has continuously lied, cheated, physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me. I never told anyone, as he would make me believe it was my fault. On 2nd December, in an angry rage, he tried to strangle me, I phoned my daughter, who called the police. This has never happened before... Getting police involved. He has been charged, and we are waiting for a court case, but, all this has done is send him into narcissistic overdrive. He has created a smear campaign against me, crippled me financially, stopped my sons from communicating with me. Some days I am at the point of giving up, but I am trying to hold on to the fact that once the case is over, we can divorce, and slowly I might have some sort of normal life, although, now I am in my sixties, and feel life has passed me by.

  • Comment Link  Carolyn Tuesday, 28 February 2017 23:12 posted by Carolyn

    I live with a narcissist. I'm in the middle of a Divorce with my husband of 26 years. Wow now I just realized I'm living with a narcissist. 90 percent of the times he is awesome. Then he drinks well that just makes him like Dr. Jeckle And Mr. Hyde. There is no reasoning no matter what. And yes he is usually always trying to say in his words trying to make me hard
    I'm too nice. That's why he does it. But finally realizing he is very toxic. But I'm so obsessed and head over heels for him

  • Comment Link vandy Tuesday, 28 February 2017 17:51 posted by vandy

    Hi people,
    Mine is love marriage (not even a year) and never ever in my wildest dream, I thot will be searching something like this. I had dreamy picture of my life coz I knew this person. I fought with my family to be with this person who now fights with me and blames me for each and everything. He is not able to fulfill my emotional and financial needs. But what hurts more is that small expectations too become a big demand to him. It's natural to expect love, care and respect from your husband. I understand we are different people, having different opinions, upbringings etc. but can't feeling of love should be reciprocated? He gives 'silent treatment' and will completely ignore my presence. And when I try to share my things, he becomes angry and starts blaming me for everything. I regret for even starting it but then i can't even keep feeling bad by his behaviour. He has even started threatening me with parting ways. It kills me coz I love him so much and wish to have some solution where we both listen and understand each other. There are happy days when we both feel really great but then there are days when he blames, ignores and leaves me in tears. I have cried so much in these months and don't know what exactly to do to make things fine. I wish to maintain peace of mind and harmony in our bond. I am tired of crying and trying to please him.
    I went through this post and find it useful. But it's tough to implement such things.
    Please guide me. I read many posts and saw people have gone through such things for years (upto 30 years) but I feel like running away. I was a person with so much of confidence, enthusiasm and full of life but he is breaking me down with such behaviour. It's driving me crazy. I too wish to ignore him and enjoy life but finding really tough. Please guide me.

  • Comment Link Mel Friday, 24 February 2017 23:28 posted by Mel

    The following is my opinion. Others may have different experiences.

    NPD defies explanation and cannot be easily summarized for outsiders. In fact, many people spend years or decades believing in an NPD individual or group without recognizing patterns and how deluded they are.

    Regardless of any appearances, their condition is irrational, constant, and incurable (and may be combined with other destructive traits.)

    NPD's have limited ability to empathize, and they compulsively manipulate. In many cases it is crucial for your mental health to acknowledge that the convoluted negativity and drama is NOT about you.

    It's just a fact that ANYTHING that appears to matter, emotionally or materially, to someone in proximity to an NPD perceived as leverage for emotional blackmail, and may be subject to constant subtle or overt attack.

    Ultimatums, confrontation, asserting needs, and calling them on dishonesty or games can result in rages, stonewalling, and/or harm to your belongings, reputation, legal standing, family contacts, safety, or financial resources.

    Not everyone has the option of no contact. It can be helpful to know that in many cases, a constant attitude of detached unconditional acceptance, not focusing on drama or showing strong emotion, can contribute to more calm in the long run. Ironically, they can't give unconditional love to themselves or others, but they seek it while pushing people away.

    This may feel like being a doormat. But can come from a place of strength. Sure, you deserve better. But your emotional healing is a separate concern, where you MUST seek genuine support elsewhere, where trust is earned. Because you will never get what you want and need emotionally from someone with NPD.

    Best wishes to all.

  • Comment Link Emory Friday, 24 February 2017 02:23 posted by Emory

    I have been wondering for many years what was wrong with him. Early in the marriage, I took the blame, but after about 10 years of marriage and four kids; I began to see the light and fight my way back. My self esteem is now good, but my marriage is in shambles. We have 4 grown children and small grandchildren. He appears so amazing to his church and parents/ home he is a yelling machine. Recently, he wanted microwave popcorn. But because he did not see it in the pantry, he accused me of wasting his time. exagerated that he looked for 15 minutes, it was more like 60 seconds. I found it for him in the pantry just inches from the normal spot. After that he berated me for 25 minutes, calling me unorganized, inconsiderate, not caring about him, disrespectful, arrogant and the list goes on... He uses tactics like shame, blame, threats, records conversations without asking me....uses it against me. I have learned to keep my cool. Now it has been a week of dead silence...he does not speak to me. Treats me like I'm invisible. I have gotten to the point of not caring. I want out of the hell. Problem is I bring home 1/4 of what my husband brings I will lose my insurance. But I don't care has been a lifetime of emotional and mental abuse. I wish I had found this website many years ago. It finally makes sense. He will never change or accept any responsibility. It will always be someone else's fault. He works for a large company, but is taking on-line classes for his masters degree in ministry...just one class at a time, very time consuming. His family and church thinks he is wonderful. His family makes excuses for his outburst. But they don't see what I deal with and nobody would believe it. My children have been on the receiving end of his anger too, and have seen the abusive way he gets. He has even let his guard down at work and almost got into a fight with a supervisor..... I am tried of this insanity and appreciate any advice.

  • Comment Link Frieda Sunday, 19 February 2017 18:18 posted by Frieda

    when you sit down and know that what the narcissist is saying about you is wrong is when you begin to find strength. my husband is one and will throw and fit about the littlest things and won't hold himself accountable for any of them. trying to discuss my feelings with him is a joke. he never takes me seriously and tries to turn it around on me. and then if he is sexually frustrated he tries to say I am cheating on him to validate himself. it irritates me.because I am more loyal.than he could ever imagine being.

  • Comment Link Harden Wednesday, 15 February 2017 17:28 posted by Harden

    I have a husband that has all the signs of narcissism. Yesterday was Valentine's day, he did not get me a card or anything. I did get him a card and candy. He never said he appreciated it. When I questioned him about why I didn't receive anything, he got extremely mad. He started screaming at me. I slept on the sofa. Today I tried to ask him why he was screaming at me, he proceeded to give all kinds of excuses he was to busy. I brought up that, that was not true because he had time to purchase 4 books. That made him even madder. He threaten to leave me. And said I was to controlling.
    Last year on my birthday he didn't even tell me Happy birthday, he calmed he forgot. I know that was not true also, because all of my friends was asking what we were doing for my birthday.
    I just want to know what to do. He just started telling me he is leaving. We are in the process of selling our house and building a new one. Should I go through with this are just stay where I am.

  • Comment Link ali448 Friday, 10 February 2017 21:09 posted by ali448

    I've been married to a narcissist for 29 years. I am looking at divorce, hopefully through a mediator rather than attorney. I am getting counseling & making plans. But I still have all the emotional crap. What's scary for me is, I've been isolated from humanity for so long, I am scared I won't find real friends in the world.

  • Comment Link Saskia Friday, 03 February 2017 18:50 posted by Saskia

    I think my husband is a narcissist , I am on eggshells so often , he's never wrong , he will argue with me and our teenage kids relentlessly , I can't leave because I have nothing & nobody to turn to , he's stripped me of my self esteem and makes me feel totally worthless .
    If he doesn't get sex often he sulks , he belittles me in front of the kids , he expects so much and because I'm a stay at home mum he thinks I owe him

  • Comment Link mel ritchie Tuesday, 31 January 2017 10:39 posted by mel ritchie

    Yes, sadly it seems this happens all too often., The charming, funny bloke with the facade put up for the public to view. Beware, when you challenge him or question him he will despise you. Crying to as many of the non-perceptive people he surrounds himself with. However as I tell the fortunate people who don't have one of these in their life, "You don't know someone fully until you live with them". Reasoning with them is futile, they are self-centered and egotistical, hypocritical in a landslide proportion and yet doesn't have the mental capacity to see any of his faults. And in the beginning they are always sorry, and of course there is the forceful offer of make up sex. Heaven help you if you deny his advances, you will be accused of infidelity and the victim will let family and friends know how hard done by he is. I firmly believe that the only real way to deal with these people is to run!!! Don't be fooled by them, they won't change and they do not possess a soul.

  • Comment Link Nope Friday, 27 January 2017 04:55 posted by Nope

    There is absolutely no time for cold shoulder! Recognize it and refuse to participate..... Period.
    Find something else to do. Time wasted on worrying about cold shoulder is time wasted on cold shoulder. Time you will never get back. There are always always always those chores you put off because they are time consuming. Ex. Clean the bottom of the closet, disinfect the house garbage cans, clean and dust ce iling fans or standing fans. I'd rather do a crappy chore than waste time groveling to someone trying to give me the cold shoulder.

  • Comment Link Kendra Thursday, 26 January 2017 03:00 posted by Kendra

    So happy I found this group. We have moved away from family and I so look forward to communicating with others.

  • Comment Link Lori Zech Wednesday, 25 January 2017 14:56 posted by Lori Zech

    This is the best article I have read about my situation and was so helpful. You hit the nail on the head in every step and it was like you knew exactly what I am going through. thank you.

  • Comment Link moma Wednesday, 25 January 2017 01:04 posted by moma

    Leave - run - as fast as you can - if you are married leave for your kids sake. LEAVE!!!

  • Comment Link Shirley Sunday, 22 January 2017 12:17 posted by Shirley

    The affairs and cheating and lies are the worst part of being with a narcissist. My spouse has always claimed to be a god amongst others and this is a classic syptom. He thinks his opinión and ideas are the only ones that matter. He is a racist and bigot but hides it well from most people. It's only me and our kids who realise how bad he is in this respect. I always thought his love for me, (which has never stopped even at the worst times) was enough to prevent the affairs but no. I now believe he sees sex as a way of having power over some people and he uses this as a way to control them into doing things for him in a business aspect.
    Most people see him as a good, hard working man who has gained great business success. But I know he hasn't done it alone. I have been there with him every step of the way and OUR SUCCESS is due to both of us. If I was to leave I have no doubt he could carry on but he would lose so, so much more than me.

  • Comment Link Russell Sunday, 15 January 2017 04:47 posted by Russell

    It's always about the husband, what about saying something for the traumatized husband having a npd wife!

  • Comment Link maria Tuesday, 10 January 2017 04:35 posted by maria

    My husband always play the victim even if he was unfair to me he never can admit a mistakee I can not communicate with him about the children or our dayly life he seems to live in his own world.he is also an alcoholic.he only cares about college football and do not even care that my aunt is dying ore our cat is really sic

  • Comment Link Kiki Friday, 06 January 2017 12:59 posted by Kiki

    I have been with my narcissist for 5 years.. I'm going to throw a spanner in the works here and say YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK. I live with a textbook Narcissist.. and my god I did not know what hit me when we first started dating.. he broke me.. and I'm a tough cookie. I did countless amounts of research and homework and quickly worked out what I was dealing with.
    I worked bloody hard to get my strength back and stop taking on his bad behaviour. This is easier said than done as a narcissist is the the king of manipulation and making you feel like they are truly perfect and you're the one with the problem...
    The best advice anyone ever gave me was if you want to see a change in someone who need to change yourself first. I knew I could never get him to see his wrongs are make active choices on his own accord.. for the Narcissit is gods greatest gift don't you know! Lol...
    I was no longer goi g to tolerate his bullshit... and when he would lose it, get jealous, try to belittle me , make me feel Stupid or whatever the day was going to bring.. I would simply roll my eyes smile and say ok babe, and walk away. It took time but eventually he realised that he would get no where with me with that behaviour anymore.. at first it drove him nuts but eventually he started to change. He actually calmed down. Now by no means is he perfect.. but my god he is a million times better.
    My advice.. find yourself again, get grounded, DO NOT FEED INTO THE BAD BEHAVIOUR (like a child.. you don't throw a tanty in reaction to child's tanty) and stay resilient.. it is bloody hard to do.. in fact the hardest thing I have ever done... but I knew we had a fantastic foundation for a great relationship.
    Most people are damaged goods, if you can find patience and strength and you really believe there is something worth fighting for.. then strap on those wonderful superwoman wings and don't enable the bad behaviour.. show him whose boss.. and I swear he will either a) pull his head in (but be patient with this one it's not an over night thing) or b) go and find some other poor bitch to ruin.. either way.. YOU WIN!

  • Comment Link Frustrated Monday, 02 January 2017 16:13 posted by Frustrated

    I have recently came to light that my husband is a narcissist. I have known things were not right for a long time. I have stayed because I am in my third marriage. The last one was physically abusive and I was there 12 years. This time it is all mental abuse. I have read a lot about abuse and see now that I have a problem picking these guys. I was on my own raising three kids for five years when I met my current husband. I had recovered for the most part, I thought when we met. And although I was going against my pledge to not get involved in a serious relationship again, he managed to swoop in and I thought I found my prince charming. He was great with the kids etc.. etc! It seems like overnight one random day I woke up next to the most self centered entitled opposite of who I had met just a year and half before. I don't know if I am going to try and stay or leave. The kids love him and he is a much better father than their real one. I really feel he uses them to keep me trapped! Narcissists are good at finding your weaknesses and using them against you!!

  • Comment Link Karen Sunday, 01 January 2017 06:54 posted by Karen

    I am in a relationship with a narcissist. Just saying those words helps. He controls me manipulates me via emotional neglect and says hurful things. He say that if he beleives its true he can say what he likes. He does not care if his words hurt. Thats not true love thats love of having power. He is self righteous and gets angry if i say he has hurt my feelings. He gets angry if i mention things he has done that are hurtful but apparantly he has never hurt me and its all my fault. He gets very angry when i disagree with him or say i dont beleive what he is telling me. He says ive hurt him and creates drama regurarly when theres nothing but then gaslights and says its me not him. He doesnt beleive my protests when accused of stuff anf threatens to break up with me for quote 'treating him like shit'.
    He says he doesnt love me as much as when we got together because of all the hurt ive caused him. I feel his love is conditional.
    I am scared to leave. I have no support systems and feel depressed. If i leave i am afraid of missing all the nice parts of our relationship like cuddles and companionship. I thought i was a strong woman but im not. Im putting with it and trying to save a sick horse.
    Im trapped by my own fear of being alone because being alone is worse than being with him.

  • Comment Link Marie Friday, 30 December 2016 20:28 posted by Marie

    Ten years of marriage to a narcissist. Survived several affairs, drunken tirades, and massive emotional abuse. It wasn't until he threatened to kill me if I divorced him, then his attempt while in a drunken rage, that forced me to grab our kids and leave. Fast forward six years. I dated for awhile, but when a nice man who looked nothing like the charming, GQ ex-husband came along, I couldn't imagine he too would turn out to be a narcissist. (I must fall for these kinds of men.) I thought narcissists were people who cared about their appearance and were charming. I didn't see that it isn't about how they look nearly as much as their own self-importance. I disregarded the warning signs because his two grown boys made me think he was the injured party when his ex-wife divorced him and got a restraining order on him for emotional abuse. I was tricked with pre-marital counseling, where he promised that he had learned and changed having gone through his divorce. His sons truly felt he was a renewed and reformed person too. However, shortly after the wedding, he began to expect me to cut off all my hair and shave off my eyebrows. He threatened divorce if I didn't comply. He bullied me and badgered me - always making everything seem like it was my fault. The threats continue on a nearly weekly basis. He gets furious if I call him on his behavior, saying "nobody would want to be in a marriage with someone who called them selfish (or a bully, or self-centered, or a liar, or a fabricator, or delusional)." He can tell me all the time how he wishes he wouldn't have married me, or how he hates me, or how he can't stand living with me, or how he wants to be alone. Then, he blames it on me, saying I pushed his buttons. I tell him all the time when he threatens to separate from me or divorce me to "go ahead." He says he is too tired, or he will next week, or it is too dark. Not once have I ever threatened divorce or to leave him. I have never told him I hate him. I never hit below the belt. He does all the time. I just don't fight dirty, but he can't stand that I won't accept his lies as truths.
    This article is something I need to remember every day when dealing with this situation. Right now, he put me in a horrible financial position that makes leaving him nearly impossible unless I want to be homeless and lose custody of my two children. I will have to learn to deal with the abuse in a better way because right now, I engage EVERY time since almost everything he says about me is a lie.

  • Comment Link Claudio Como Wednesday, 28 December 2016 14:33 posted by Claudio Como

    It's difficult to read this knowing how committed a narcissist my wife is. On a daily basis she eviscerates me and many times her daughters and our children together. I have noticed holidays are particularly common times for the STHTF with her. Arguments are petulant at best. Occasionally I will do something that does cause a fight, and as I'm ducking for cover I have forgotten the hundreds of times she has done or said horrible things to me. (i.e. saying unthinkable words about my mother like she's a liar, a sneak, a dirt bag... it gets worse from their.) I have watched this three ringed circus for over six years now and there is never any shortage of drama in my (excuse me, HER house)
    The hardest part is loving someone who doesn't have a shred of empathy for you. It's absolutely gut wrenching to thing of the sacrifices I have made over the years that were pointless, worthless in her eyes. I have been in the discard phase of this relationship many times. I always stay for the children and the hopeless prospect of her recovery from OZ. There's always a stay of execution where she tells me she's too nice to me. I'm thinking that Dr. Mengele had more sensitivity to his patients.

  • Comment Link Patty Jane Wednesday, 28 December 2016 08:49 posted by Patty Jane

    Thank you. I am not as alone as i feel. Thank you.The last post by Tanya is straight out of my life. Word for word. Every bit of it.

  • Comment Link Tanya Smith Monday, 26 December 2016 02:20 posted by Tanya Smith

    Every bit I read is true. My husband is a narcissist and I am having a hard time trying to learn how to deal with him. He is mean sneaky and lies all the time. And thinks he can do no wrong. He will call me and soon as I say hello he will say I want you to do this like this and hang up. I don't even get to talk. He is mean. He calls me names, doesn't ever buy me gifts for Christmas or my birthday. Nothing. Everything is my fault. He constantly creates chaos. And gets an idea in his head and that's it. He has to do whatever it is as best as can possibly be done. Spends money foolishly. Won't work. Won't contribute to bills. He is a damn nightmare. I've been with him 9 years and always wondered wht his problem was but now I know. He never apologizes and never acts like he knows I have feelings. He doesn't care. He has really taken a toll on me.

  • Comment Link Judi Steffens Sunday, 18 December 2016 16:54 posted by Judi Steffens

    It is hard to believe how much my husband fits the picture. Almost exact. He loves the fact that he has
    made me dependent on him. Has excuses for everything and lies about everything. Not even important things.

  • Comment Link Because hodge Monday, 12 December 2016 16:41 posted by Because hodge

    A Narcotic partner is not even manly or dignified in any sense ...and actually revoltingt g..I figure he has real mommy and daddy and childhood mental issues that are so deep he lost what it is to be human..or to comprehend all and any human emotion except for his own...and the icing on the cake is he is incredibly stupid and void of a personality of any kind or substance.
    It is not a relationship for anyone to be in..Except the Narcotic himself because he almost behaves like he is a man woman child God all wrapped up in one beautiful package he calls Me Me Me...he only wants a companion to look at this wonderful piece of art he is....

  • Comment Link better off Saturday, 10 December 2016 18:13 posted by better off

    Ladies. And gentlemen,, it can happen to women too.. Some women are narcissists. I was married to a narcissist for 8 1/2 yrs. He is a musician. Very good musician. Very nice looking. He is a lot older than me. Full of charm..almost cocky..drew me to him.. I was so fooled. Our marriage was lies upon lies. I trued to make it work to the pointvof feeling sick and making myself question if I was crazy? Then ..i caught him cheating..or talking to his i had enough! Been separated a year. Going to finalize divorce anytime..due to our house etc it wasnt done sooner...but he wants to get back together now...NO WAY!!! Im not going back! Have courage people! Stand your ground..they do not change!!!

  • Comment Link better off Saturday, 10 December 2016 18:13 posted by better off

    Ladies. And gentlemen,, it can happen to women too.. Some women are narcissists. I was married to a narcissist for 8 1/2 yrs. He is a musician. Very good musician. Very nice looking. He is a lot older than me. Full of charm..almost cocky..drew me to him.. I was so fooled. Our marriage was lies upon lies. I trued to make it work to the pointvof feeling sick and making myself question if I was crazy? Then ..i caught him cheating..or talking to his i had enough! Been separated a year. Going to finalize divorce anytime..due to our house etc it wasnt done sooner...but he wants to get back together now...NO WAY!!! Im not going back! Have courage people! Stand your ground..they do not change!!!

  • Comment Link Derek Collinson Thursday, 08 December 2016 10:29 posted by Derek Collinson

    That's all well and good but by all accounts a Narcissist is incapable of loving you because they are afraid to make themselves vulnerable. So if it's love you want you need to dump the Narc or better still don't get involved with one in the first place!

  • Comment Link Deborah Thursday, 08 December 2016 05:28 posted by Deborah

    Thank you for this article and all the comments. I'm not alone. It's like u try to explain or vent to friends or family but they can't completely understand. Now I know I'm not crazy!

  • Comment Link Su Tuesday, 06 December 2016 21:50 posted by Su


  • Comment Link Amanda Tuesday, 06 December 2016 16:45 posted by Amanda

    This was right on TIME!! Bless you! This is my soon to be ex-husband and these tips and on dealing with him has really blessed me. Thank you for sharing your experience to help others.

  • Comment Link Samantha Sunday, 04 December 2016 05:47 posted by Samantha

    Are there any kind of groups for people dealing with or have delt with a narcissist? On Facebook maybe? More curious since I believe my husband fits the narcissistic term.

  • Comment Link Lilly Wednesday, 30 November 2016 18:35 posted by Lilly

    Recently met my now boyfriend a narcissist i admit he told me from.the get go but boy hows hes changed over very few weeks. I get verbally abused daily mainly for not telling him.what he wants to hear,constant texts when i dont reply straight away,put downs,no support the list goes on. I feel lost already im hardly eating and my house work is being neglected. I keep telling myself he can change and he promises he will try for our relationship then he starts with the abuse again hours later.i feel im already losing direction of my life as hes so demanding...he switches every arguement onto me then tells me he loves can he verbally abuse me 1 minute then text he loves me the next.
    Ive ended it twice ...he shouts and swears tells me good riddence etc then hours later grovels back to me.
    Im a strong independent single mother but this is the hardest thing ive been put through ..when hes calm hes loving and caring but 1 flick of the switch and its the alter ego abusive man again! Really struggling! Help

  • Comment Link Nicola Saturday, 26 November 2016 19:25 posted by Nicola

    Thank you for this article and the comments below. After yet another row this morning with my husband where I've been told I'm wrong/a bad mother/friend/daughter/a liar and a barrage of other verbal abuse, it's like a lightbulb going off in my world. My husband is a narcissist. I've walked on eggshells believing I'm a bad person, I'm selfish and a lot of other things I won't list but I'm actually none of those things. It's all him. Him alone. Reading these comments has given me the strength To stop his behaviour towards me. I won't tolerate it and I don't need to tolerate it. Yes, I'm far from perfect but I won't be held a prisoner any longer. Thank ypu

  • Comment Link Faith Friday, 25 November 2016 18:28 posted by Faith

    I am living with one and I feel so very lost!!!!

  • Comment Link nat Monday, 21 November 2016 13:46 posted by nat

    priceless, i have been wondering for whole year what is going on in the relationship, never knew that am living with narcissist, until i did a bit of research that ended up coming here and by reading the comments that people wrote, its exactly what was happening with me after year and half dating and 4 years in marriage which is still on going, in bad way as i do argue most of the time i just realised i was wasting my time by reading that blog, but its me i just cant stand there doing nothing when i hear lies and BS, but i guess its up to me now to let it go or hold on to it and b able to deal with it, funny that am in love as he is nice person but when he changed and asked me to leave him as he wants to be on his own things are not the same i been putting up with lots of s just to make this workout, i even had to put up with him go to see others or his ex and be free to do what he wants, and me being on my own nights knowing that he is having good time, beside going on holiday by him self away for days, and if i argued he would tell me as far as i know we are done, and stupid enough i say i would wait till u come back to me, again its the wrong thing to do to show him am needy, regardless to say at the start of our relationship he was the one who was after me all the time and on my case and would do what i would ask without question till he got me marry him i loved him at the time but wasn't in love but then i did fall, and that is when the issue started as i become all over him all the time and obsessed with him, and cant think of someone else can take him from me.
    P.S i gave fake name and fake email address just wanted to share my experience with you guys

  • Comment Link Tess Monday, 21 November 2016 07:48 posted by Tess

    THANKYOU for this article. I read it every few months or so for encouragement.. My husband is funny and charming etc, but also a raging, lying, cheat. Here are some tips that help me:

    1. Keep a journal, write down all the grievances and suspicious activity. This way you can cross reference his shady behavior at a later date. I use Penzu with an alternate email. My Narc knows about Neither.
    2. Find a real good church. I tell my friends and family very little about my marriage so Jesus is the ONLY one that REALLY knows what goes on in my home and he is the only reason I have the patience to endure it.
    3. Birth Control. I thank God and my lucky stars that I'm barren. Parenting with him would be an absolute nightmare. We've been together for 10 years and I would honestly consider abortion.
    4. Trust your intuition. Trust your gut. You are NOT paranoid. He is the crazy one. Not you.

  • Comment Link monica reddoch Friday, 18 November 2016 00:11 posted by monica reddoch

    Thank you for that informative article ... it helped a lot .

  • Comment Link Karen Tuesday, 15 November 2016 07:11 posted by Karen

    WOW WOW & WOW. reading some of these stories is so sad. To Pearl - yours is most like mine with 36 years of marriage and I am so unhappy- separate bedrooms by my choice a year ago. I cant stand to talk to him anymore- its pointless. I just discovered he was a Narcissist but knowing that changes nothing. I already walk away. BUT I have gained a sense of hope by realizing some of these steps in this article are crucial- I will stop feeling helpless and hopeless and get out more. I will take on a new work opportunity that I want to do but he has been fighting me on because it will cost me some savings (which is mine also) he is so cheep. I want to work so I can meet new people and earn some money and to get away from him since he has retired (but wont admit it) All I can say to those that are young and in early relationships with someone like this is GET OUT NOW. Life is too precious to end up 62 and feel like there is nothing left. Thanks so much for this article. I will certainly get off my butt and makes some changes.

  • Comment Link Isabelle Sunday, 13 November 2016 18:13 posted by Isabelle

    I'm happy to know that I'm not alone. My husband is an amazimg guy, we are together for 7 years now but the reason why this marriage works because I inow that I'm walking on eggshells.

    He have outbursts but ne never hurting physically and never try to put me down. He's playing a different movie in his head, the whole world is cruel to him etc.

    He thinks that everybody hates him, and he is a bad person. If i ask him if he likes his tea, he comes back with this "what have I done wrong again? I said thank you, didn't I?" I was like "it's all cool, I just wanted to make sure that you like your tea because I didn't put too much milk in too it"....

    Him" I know its me, whatever I do is wrong, I'm not good enough..." yes, welcome to our marriage:-)))Normally I let it slip, I'm not arguing and I never take his words on my heart, plug my earphones, chatting with friends until he gets better:-))

    Onfe he realised that he was unreasonable he always aplogise:-)We love each other a lot, but sometimes I just wanna run away because I'm not a psychologist and I don't know how treat mentally unstable people:-))

    As the blog said, no point to argue, you can't win. He goes in to a spiral, he repeating his nonsense and he is always saying how disrespectful I am, and why I think that Im smart (he thinks that, not me:-)) so all sorts of frustrations going on:-)

    Altough he is 85 percent perfect for me, so I can compromise dealing with the remaining 15%:-)It doesn't affect me on a long term because I have a support from my family, and my friends so I'm never alone:-) i think if I was an arguementative and proud person, this marriage would be toxic, but I'm very good at keeping my cool and ignore the nonsense:-)))

  • Comment Link LuLu Sunday, 06 November 2016 22:25 posted by LuLu

    Four years of dating and 16 years of marriage. He was very charming it first, actually for the first seven or eight years, and then he slowly started to transform and let the full narcissistic personality expose itself. It took me a long time to actually realize with the narcissist was doing. I think my dad was a bit of a narcissist, so I think I was just used to living with it . As soon as I really figured it out, I read many many articles. I did all of the things above and it definitely worked to quiet the narcissist out a little. My narcissist there is now an alcoholic. From what I understand, a lot of narcissist become alcoholics, which then makes the narcissist even more pronounced. I am extremely happy to say that the separation papers have been signed and he is out of the home. Time to celebrate. Good luck out there, get out of the relationship as soon as you can.

  • Comment Link Ralph Monday, 31 October 2016 06:03 posted by Ralph

    Not sure of the message here. It seems to say keep walking on eggshells and you will be fine. Seriously I don't think anyone wants to live like that I an getting a divorce because she has beaten me and my daughter once to often. The total raging and gas lighting she has done to my daughter is unforgivable. Even after I lifted the restraining order she continues to assault. The NPD will not get better. Marriage should be a partnership, providing a respite from life's occasional harshness not a more profoundly destructive trial of a recurring fatalistic exercise in relationship hell.

  • Comment Link Jessica Friday, 28 October 2016 00:51 posted by Jessica

    Thanks k you so much for this post... I needed it more than I can even explain...

  • Comment Link Sc Thursday, 27 October 2016 17:48 posted by Sc

    Dealing with a narcissistic boyfriend who I happen to share an 8 year old daughter with. He takes no accountability for anything. He continues to lie flirt online with other girls and play the guilt trip with me as soon as he is called out on anything. He doesn't do anything with his own kid and would rather sit on his butt on his day off and play video games. He thinks because he does one nice thing or the bare minimum that we should bow down tin him and lick his boots. So fed up with the lies and having to chase after him like a nagging mother chasing her ten year old down to do their homework. Mind you I do all the parenting while recently being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Don't even know why I am posting on this blog other than to rant. Word of advice to anyone with a narcissistic partner don't even waste your time trying to change them. Think of them as a defective item what do we do with broken merchandise? You return it to the store. Trade them in for someone who will treat you with respect and dignity and don't waste your energy. Take it from
    Me 14 years in and done wasting my time and effort it only took being diagnosed with an incurable disease to step back and say to hell with this!

  • Comment Link Hanno Monday, 24 October 2016 19:09 posted by Hanno

    I'm confused if what I'm dealing with is narcisstic
    He definitely has a lot of the characters but he doesn't lie matter of fact he's too bold
    He's stingy and doesn't spend on me or gives me gifts but accept my expensive gifts to him
    If he doesn't like something he insist I take it back
    I'm always walking on egg shells to bless and please him
    He dumped me twice already
    He always got me back to him
    He never took my money but again never wanted to spend in me
    No dinning outside the home except once/year and he makes it very casual though he and me afford a fansy one
    When we go shopping , He's shopping for his extended family and never offered to pay for even one item of mine
    Our life is he's cooking eating go ON A walk and watch TV NO GOING OUT OR TRAVELING

  • Comment Link Hanno Monday, 24 October 2016 18:48 posted by Hanno

    I'm confused if what I'm dealing with is narcisstic
    He definitely has a lot of the characters but he doesn't lie matter of fact he's too bold
    He's stingy and doesn't spend on me or gives me gifts but accept my expensive gifts to him
    If he doesn't like something he insist I take it back
    I'm always walking on egg shells to bless and please him
    He dumped me twice already
    He always got me back to him
    Please help me

  • Comment Link Good person Saturday, 22 October 2016 23:17 posted by Good person

    It's nice to read that I am not the only one in the world that lives this daily as sometimes I feel so alone in this fight. I agree with everyone that you walk on eggshells, feel dark and trapped and constantly I blame myself. The sad reality is I feel like my husbands narcassism is getting worse everyday. I have dealt with this for 15 years and am so trapped. The worst part is everyone around us thinks he is just so amazing and wonderful and that I am so lucky to be with him when in reality they have no idea who he really is. Only my children and I know and we have all lost love and respect for him. That is so very sad to me. I find myself constantly reading about other people's experiences with narcissists. I just wish there was someway to make things better....

  • Comment Link Empathic Friday, 21 October 2016 03:09 posted by Empathic

    Hello, I am so glad to read this article. My husband of 6 years is going terribly! I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells. We always fight and eventually come to an understanding but it lasts for about a week and changes right back to the way it was. We have a 6 -land 8 year old. I hate that I am with my husband. He belittles me, has no empathy, is mean, calls names, and will completely ignore me for days or weeks at a time. We have no time for counseling (which he thinks is stupid anyway). I've worked so hard on myself sort of thinking I'm the problem but it doesn't help. I feel like he is even jealous of our kids. He wants all the attention and gets mad when he doesn't get it. I feel like I'm going crazy! When I walk into the house and he is there, I almost feel like a darkness come over me. I have very few friends and therefore very few outlets. My guy friends at work always tell me what a catch I am and even people we meet randomly wonder why I put up with his crap. I want to leave but I don't want our children to be hurt by it. I stay for them but I feel like I could be a better parent away from him and he could be a better parent away from me. I'm at a breaking point and I don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Gina Wednesday, 19 October 2016 11:51 posted by Gina

    It's good to know that I'm not alone. I've been married to a Narcissist for 24 years. Why is it so hard to leave? All along I've been on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. One minute it's "my beautiful wife" then the next minute it's snapping at me because I didn't say the exact words he wants to hear.
    Not sure if I'm going crazy or just can't take it anymore. I feel like I've waited too long. Feeling hopeless

  • Comment Link Eugenia Friday, 14 October 2016 04:05 posted by Eugenia

    I'm currently living with my narcissist bf, I feel I'm in a prison with out bars , we've been together for 2 years raising his 3 year old toddler which I'm the only mommy he knows, I feel stuck , I'm not happy I don't feel alive , he can destroy me with hurtful words I just can't take it anymore and yes "I'm the crazy one" I image things I'm too needy , and oh yes he doesn't like to have sex , he tells me "kind people like you get hurt all the time " He tells me I'm crazy and then the next day he says I'm the most wonderful women , I'm drained , I don't think he'll ever change , believe me I've tried everything

  • Comment Link Beth Thursday, 13 October 2016 16:31 posted by Beth

    My very best advice, and the book that totally helped us understand the narcisist in our lives:

    Read the book "Fool-Proofing your Life" by Jan Silvious. In her book, "fool" = "narcisist."

    It's written from a Christian perspective, but would be great for anyone, I believe. She deals with who a narcisist is, how to survive living or being in relationship with them, and how to know if/when to leave.

  • Comment Link Shelli Wednesday, 12 October 2016 19:16 posted by Shelli

    Unfortunately (Sd375), it doesn't change. It only gets worse the older they get. I've been married for 23 years and this is simply a cycle. Sometimes the cycle is a month...sometimes more and when kids get involved it gets even more abusive...subtle, yet abusive. You need to think about yourself and realize that you will be shackling yourself to a lift of wondering what's around the corner. Think long term and think ( as hard as it is) think about yourself. You deserve to be treated kindly, listened to with compassion and loved for who you are with all of your "bugs", just as much as he does. However, it only works if you are willing to give up more of what you need. If you are tired now....imagine in a few years. Love yourself enough to have this conversation with yourself

  • Comment Link Shelli Wednesday, 12 October 2016 19:15 posted by Shelli

    Unfortunately (Sd375), it doesn't change. It only gets worse the older they get. I've been married for 23 years and this is simply a cycle. Sometimes the cycle is a month...sometimes more and when kids get involved it gets even more abusive...subtle, yet abusive. You need to think about yourself and realize that you will be shackling yourself to a lift of wondering what's around the corner. Think long term and think ( as hard as it is) think about yourself. You deserve to be treated kindly, listened to with compassion and loved for who you are with all of your "bugs", just as much as he does. However, it only works if you are willing to give up more of what you need. If you are tired now....imagine in a few years. Love yourself enough to have this conversation with yourself

  • Comment Link nardene Wednesday, 12 October 2016 14:45 posted by nardene

    I cannot tell u how relieved I am to see this omg my life has been a living hell for the pass twenty two years

  • Comment Link Jax Tuesday, 11 October 2016 20:53 posted by Jax

    Hi and thank you for this article. I have recently left my narcissist bf. But he's the one living out of a cardboard box now because I OWNED the house. I finally had enough of his lies , affairs, and blaming me for everything. I'm in the hole over $5K from borrowing him money that he never paid back. Again, always some reason of "I didn't deserve" this or that. Starting drama ALL THE TIME. Then twisting things around to say it was me. He actually would make up his own reality of what happened, just to accuse me of "starting" things. It became so draining of me. He drove a wedge between me and my twin sister. Always complaining about and making things up about her. He was never ever accountable. He never ever did what he said he would do. After googling about relationship problems, I was directed to narcissist articles. Everything I read was spot on. Everything else I read said to get out of the relationship if you can. Since we had no children together and it was my home, I couldn't get him out fast enough. I also read their behavior gets worse over time. I endured 5 years of it and that was enough! It's been almost 3 months now and I feel so free. I feel like myself again. I'm happy every day. My anxiety is gone. Thank you for this article and affirming in me that I made the right decision. I'm 49, so it's never to late to "start over" again. I know what to look out for now, so I'm positive my next relationship will be healthy. Or if I have to stay single forever, so be it. I'm happy!

  • Comment Link Sd375 Monday, 10 October 2016 23:16 posted by Sd375

    I've only been with my boyfriend for a year and half, I can't begin to imagine how difficult it has been for all of those who have endured this for years. I'm spent. I'm a shadow of myself. I'm sad and devastated. I always felt there was something wrong with my boyfriend, but only recently I've found he was a narcissist. And then everything clicked. He fits the profile perfectly. And then I realized if I wanted to stay with him, I'd have to live with this disorder. It's a tragedy that anyone has to live having it OR dealing with it in someone else. It's shame. But he's not the worst, he does good and nice things if prompted... But I wonder if they'll disappear with time. So far, I stick around, because it seems to me that he has moments of clarity, when he's nice and sweet, and I feel like there's a real vulnerable human being asking to get out of that prison. And I hope that eventually that good person can dominate the narcissist. I've read that compassion helps the narcissist. So, I'm trying that. I know I'm a strong person, so I'll fight until I can't anymore. One step at a time. One hurt at a time. One of his bad days at a time. And hopefully one good day at a time.

  • Comment Link Marissa Saturday, 08 October 2016 20:03 posted by Marissa

    HI and thank you for your tips.I have been married to my narcissist husband for 14 years. We have 3 young children. I have quit working since having my second child and am raising my family. We are currently in debt because he is not a very responsible man and finding his career path has always been a struggle. I want to leave so badly as it has become so unbearable in this house even my oldest is being affected by it. I am just waiting to try and secure myself financially because of all of our bills especially under my name. He has had two Affairs on me and of course blaming me as being an absentee wife when all along it has been his abuse that has made me very distant. I cry more than I smile and at times don't even want to be in the same room with him. I feel I am a hell of a woman I don't even recognize myself anymore. I want to try and become strong again and find a way out. Any tips you ladies have would be appreciated.

  • Comment Link Blugrl35 Saturday, 08 October 2016 14:49 posted by Blugrl35

    Thank you for this article and reading the comments I now know I am not alone. There has been so many days and nights I have sat here and thought I need to see a therapist. I feel crazy. Then one day I googled searched a question about relationship and what I'm doing wrong and how can I make this work. It brought me to a site about narcissism. After reading that it started to make sense. Now after this mornings argument before he left for work and leaving me feel beat down again. I searched how to live with a narcissist and found this article. I'm at a lost right now. Being in debt, both working full time and having 2 young children and neither of us have any family around. I don't know how to do it on my own. I'm stuck until the kids grow older and I have to figure out how to survive until then. So again thank you for this article I will follow it's words and use it for survivial.

  • Comment Link Cheri Olds Monday, 03 October 2016 00:35 posted by Cheri Olds

    This advice is a sanity-saver! Incredibly, it never occurred to me that I was married to a narcissist. I recalled the Greek myth we learned about in school, but never connected it with the hideous, vicious life I was enduring with a very sick husband..............It is only now, after he ended the marriage in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible that I have found the information on the Internet...............And what a blessing it is to learn that it WASN'T my fault, that my sweet and gentle treatment of him could have never coaxed him into a kinder frame of mind, and that there is truly no way to win with such a personality................I was never permitted to be happy, laugh, joke, or be free and easy................Hubbie insisted in a grim existence for both of us. It WAS pretty grim! My narcissistic hubbie decided that if I wouldn't play into his tantrums, blame and vicious control cycles, that he would dump me and end the marriage.................It's probably for the best, but it's painful to have lost a beloved doggie of 13 years (dead due to hubbie's ways), and given up over $1,200 worth of much-needed possessions, not to mention a lifestyle-disruption/eruption worthy of Mt. Vesuvius!................ I'm 67 years's a LOT harder to start over at this age. I believe that a lot of classic narcissists respond in the same manner if they are able: scrape off the wife................Yet, in the end, we are free of the toxic life we endured for so long. Free to heal and learn to be happy.

  • Comment Link Sheri Friday, 30 September 2016 20:40 posted by Sheri

    This is my second marriage and divorce is not acceptable in my family. I've been married 4yrs to this man who is a narcissistic. We have a daughter together. He is verbally abusive and has been physically abusive in the past. He has milked me for around $100000.00. I have found out that he had multiple affairs on his 1st wife. I know I'm in denial if I think he wouldn't have an affair on me. He has controlled things from changing the password on my computer to lying to banks about fraudulent activity that has my name on papers. I've always been a strong person but I'm trapped. I'm not sure how to get out of this. My family thinks he is wonderful. He has manipulated my family and isolated me from friends. How does this happen?

  • Comment Link pearl Friday, 30 September 2016 09:08 posted by pearl

    I am 75yrs of age.Have lived with a narcissist for 53yrs.Which only goes to prove how strong (read stupid ) I am.But work etc: kept it going.Have left him 4times and each time gone back.I am not good on my own (thanks to him).Shall I move out again ,or continue as we are ,more or less together, but he is mostly in his part of the home and I am in mine.I cook a meal every evening,which we share ( strained.and tense ).Then may watch a mutual choice on TV or each our usual separate thing.Is it too late to leave again,will I cope,

  • Comment Link Mark Thursday, 29 September 2016 00:15 posted by Mark

    Walking away from an argument does not work. They will find a way to corner you so you cannot leave without violence, they will wait until you are in a position to be jumped or surprise attacked (they will usually go for physically restraining you from behind), and they WILL attack you if you continue to ignore them. These people sit there and think up ways to dominate and harm you (and others), while convincing themselves of their own goodness.

  • Comment Link Broken Wednesday, 28 September 2016 15:12 posted by Broken

    My husband has completely crippled me from all aspects of life he has locked me out of our business I have no idea what he makes he has sabotaged my career he has told my kids nasty lies about me he tells anyone he can nasty lies about me he cheats and spends marital monies on anyone who he can impress including other men's wives and girlfriends yet our kids cannot qualify for loans for school as he makes too much but he doesn't want to help them. He loves the picture look at my family aren't they great but wants to put no effort into being a family unless it benefits him he has zero respect for me unless he needs to have a wife for an event or someone shows interest in me

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  • Comment Link Bardot Monday, 19 September 2016 06:18 posted by Bardot

    Thank you,

    This confirms everything for me.

    My top tip would be leave as soon as you can. And you can! You may actually feel your winds unfurl as freedom is faced.

    Freedom is priceless.

  • Comment Link Anna Saturday, 17 September 2016 11:18 posted by Anna

    This is so helpful. My ex starts fights with me then hangs up, he knows what buttons to push and fell right into that trap. We are now going to court and he getting a restraining order on me, and I can only contact him if it's about the kids. He started dating someone a month after I moved out. She has totally change him and I am the bad parent.

  • Comment Link Stefanie Monday, 12 September 2016 13:59 posted by Stefanie

    This was so helpful!! I've been with my narcissist husband for almost 6 years and we're about to have our first child. Most of our fights don't linger even a full day but it feels like they are daily. I'm a surgical nurse and he's a guitar teacher/musician. He owns his own studio and plays gigs and also is worship leader at our church. He's very loyal and of course charming but man, the king of delusion and scapegoating! I'm so annoyed by his inability to empathize or take actual responsibility for his actions but I'm slowly leaning to ignore his drama and walk away and enjoy my day. The resentment though is what I struggle with. I think if I could just be able to convince myself that what he has is a disorder that CAN'T be cured verses think I can use reason and logic to help him change his behavior, I'd be happier, but with a baby on the way, knowing my responsibilities will increase, it's easier said than done because I know the nasty resentment monster is always brewing right at the surface.

  • Comment Link SBL Sunday, 11 September 2016 13:11 posted by SBL

    Message from a survivor of a narcissistic partner: You deserve better and things WILL get better!

    My story is more of the same: met my ex about 15 years ago when we were both going through difficult separations. Of course, he seemed like the perfect person - we had so much in common and he loved the fact that that I was so outgoing and independent and the fact that I was so close with my family. He was also supportive of my profession and my career path and educational pursuits.

    Fast forward a few years later: complete opposite scenario. I was constantly accused of having affairs with others even though he knew where I was every waking minute of the day. Incessant phone calls at work and when I didn't pick up due to being in meetings, I received 20 questions on why I didn't pick up the phone, who was I with, why was I meeting with them, were they married, what did they look like, etc? I made quite a bit more than he did, so was constantly told that I thought I was better than him because of this although I never discussed my personal finances with him or flaunted anything I bought in front of him. Anytime I received a promotion he would get angry and chastise me. I had no desire to have children, yet was incessantly told by him that we were going to have a child and that I would become a stay a home mom afterwards. When I would stand up to him and tell him that my career was my passion, he would reply that it didn't matter because my job was "just a hobby". Tried constantly to put a wedge between my family and I by acting like a child whenever we would visit them. My entire family couldn't stand him and could not believe I would be with someone like this - he was even banned from visiting my brothers home due to his behavior. Of course, this was all my fault because I hadn't stood up for him and I was an awful partner. There are so many other terrible things that he did that I can't go into here, but you get the jest. Total projection of his lack of self esteem and awareness onto me.

    I have always been a very independent person and always pushed back or just ignored his behavior which only made things worse. My breaking point was when he accused me of having an affair with someone in his family on no basis whatsoever. This was not the first time this had happened and was his typical MO. This last situation left me in a crying ball of a mess on the kitchen floor. I don't know what came over me that day, but I had just had enough. I made the decision to end it and move on immediately and never looked back. I put the power back in my court and it felt good. Now I was the one telling him how things were going to be and would physically leave when he would start acting like a child. It wasn't easy at all - I lost quite a bit of money as he didn't hold up his responsibility when selling our house, but I didn't expect anything different. I sucked up my pride, took a hit to my bank account and never looked back.

    Present day: I have my own place and a great bf that knows what it is like to be in an adult relationship that is build on respect and love. My family and I are extremely close and they love my bf and treat him as part of our family. I have met all of my educational goals and progressed very quickly in my career. I do think about my ex every once in a while, but only because I want to keep reminding myself of how terrible life once was and how great it is now.

    So for those of you struggling to decide whether to stay or go - my suggestion is to go. I am not saying it will be quick or easy but, trust me, there will be a time that you will look back and wonder why you ever dealt with it so long and will be amazed that you had the strength to go it alone.

    Don't ever make anyone in your life a priority that only makes you a choice!

  • Comment Link Charlie Sunday, 11 September 2016 12:54 posted by Charlie

    Wow, this article is Spot on! It's everything I went through, nobody seemed to understand me. Being in a Christian relationship I was just told to keep praying.
    This is my story of what I went through during our 18 year marriage.

    When we were first married we both worked, after our fist child was born he convinced me to become a stay at home mom. I didn't want to but knew all the things to say, and he soon made it seem like it was my idea. I quit my job and since we had less money we could only afford one car, so I was stuck at home. His first tactic of control. I had no idea, I though we were bettering our lives.

    Years later when I did get a part time job to get out of the house, he asked for my pay check and gave me a page budget he a written up. When I rejected this idea he closed our joint account, keeping his full pay check and requiring me to pay for numerous out of my small monthly pay. I couldn't afford this, so I took out a line of credit and went $10,000 in debt to keep him happy. His next tactic - financial control over me. Talking about money was always cause for a fight so I just my mouth. I did without, bought clothes for me and kids from value village, and store sales. Meanwhile it was only the best for him, He once bought a pair of jeans on sale, but had to return them he said clothes that are sale don't fit him properly. He completely batted a blind eye to what we were wearing compared to him.

    He would argue about anything and everything. One day we ate vegetable soup for lunch, and at dinner he tried to tell me that we never eat vegetables, putting down my cooking and efforts to keep our family healthy.

    We tried marriage counselling, but for every one thing I tried to fix about myself, he had a list of 5 more things I needed to work on. All the while he didn't make any changes, and complained constantly, We went through 5 counsellors before he yelled at her and said "I only came here because she needs help, she need to change. your ganging up on me. I don't need this" Then he stormed out, leaving me in tears.

    He yelled at everyone- kids on our street ((I guess he thought he owned the sidewalk) he yelled at all of our neighbours, we moved three times because he didn't get along with any of them. He yelled at my mom, our church elder, he got moved workplaces at least twice because of fights with co workers, he got mad at and blamed everyone except his problems except for his own family, who thinks he's the most wonderful person.

    He didn't want to participate in family outings, he always had an excuse not to go, unless it was his idea, everything I came up with was meaningless to him.
    Meanwhile he felt enabled to go wherever he wanted at any give time. When he didn't want me there he told lies so that I would not go. He made me feel like I didn't deserve to go anywhere, I needed to home taking care of the house.

    His rants became more frequent when he tried it on our 9 year daughter, she looked at him and said "you can't talk to me like that" I wish I had her strength to stand up to him.
    Soon he became threatening, I felt like he could hurt anyone at any given time. I was loosing friends, I had no sell confidence anymore, I gained weight. He didn't support any of my efforts to better myself. Only he was allowed to look good.

    My last straw was when he took the kids on a trip he didn't want me on, he told me lies, and then I found out what was really going on. I felt so small, I knew I needed to get out. I couldn't handle not being loved anymore, I cried that whole week he was away on a trip that I wasn't allowed to go on. I mourned the loss of my marriage, that was the first time I saw how really selfish he was, and he no intentions of ever treating me the way I deserved.

    After that week I picked my up, got a second job, paid almost all of my line of credit applied for housing, hired a lawyer. I kept everything secret I told no one of my plan. I knew if he found out I would be screwed. Then 1 1/2 years later it all came together, I was out! with both of my kids. I was so relieved to finally be in a safe place, no more mind games, no more lies, arguments or yelling from him. I now have hope!

    My story is by no means over, I still struggle with anxiety, and don't go out nearly as much as I did, but with time I am confident now that I can regain my life, and live the way God intended.

    A quote from a friend '"She made the decision to leave, and she hasn't stopped smiling since!"

  • Comment Link Charley Sunday, 11 September 2016 03:10 posted by Charley

    I just left my narcissistic husband of 18 years. This article is spot on! The following is a fraction of what I went through.

    I had no idea I was being controlled, I know it sounds stupid, but I kept trying to better myself, but to no avail. Whenever I fixed one problem there was always two more to be fixed. All the while he felt as though he did nothing wrong.

    I talked to his family and they said it was all me, I made him like that. I now know that isn't true!

    He yelled at everyone: kids walking on our street (I guess he thought he owned the sidewalk), the crossing guard, we had to move three times because he kept yelling at the neighbours. He yelled at our counsellor, church elder, even my mom. Everything was everyone else's fault. He raised shit everywhere and then played the victim.

    He kept it together around the right people though, I was just told to keep praying. I thought because we were Christians, this couldn't really be happening. Nobody believed me in the first years of our marriage.
    I thought marriage is for better or worse. I woke up every day praying and hoping that is would be better. It never got better, only worse.

    When I took a part time job to get out of the house more, he wanted my pay check, and gave me a 4 page budget he had written out. When I refused he cut me out our joint account and made me pay for numerous things out of my pay check. I opened a line of credit and went $10,000 in debt trying to keep him happy.

    Then one day after a brutal summer endless arguments and threats from him, I no longer felt safe. He could have exploded at any time hurting me or one of our kids. I knew I had to leave.

    I cried for a week, I morned the loss of my marriage.
    Then I picked myself up, got a second job, paid off most of my line of credit. Applied for housing, hired a lawyer, and one and half years later everything came together! I was out! with both of our kids.

    My story doesn't quite end here though, we do still have to interact because of the kids, but I have hope of reclaiming now. I'm so glad I survived!

    A quote from our crossing guard "She made the decision to leave, and she hasn't stopped smiling!"

  • Comment Link vs Friday, 09 September 2016 12:35 posted by vs

    Thank you so very much for the information.

  • Comment Link Jan Friday, 09 September 2016 02:19 posted by Jan

    I am stuck with a narcicisst for over 40 years. Just beginning to break free from his mess. The words above are vital. I am lucky, in that I've always been a strong woman. Now, at 61, I just wish he would go away!!! What a mistake I made not divorcing him in younger years. The sadness over whelms me. Keep struggling, sisters. There is freedom, either mental or physical. This web site helps me a lot.

  • Comment Link Anonymous Tuesday, 06 September 2016 23:26 posted by Anonymous

    I am married to a narcissist and we have been together for 12 1/2 years. We just had a beautiful baby girl and it took me having our daughter to open my eyes to the abusive situation I have been in. It's extremely scary because I want to get out of my situation but I'm scared to get a divorce because I'm fearful of my daughter being under his care. I don't want her subjected to his explosive temper and rages of anger, name calling, and cursing. Additionally, because he doesn't really care about anyone but himself he has repeatedly forgotten to feed her, has left her in the car, and has put her on the couch or bed and done things around the house, meanwhile she crawls and rolls around. Also, he left her in her swing while I was at the doctors screaming and crying because he felt like painting the bathroom. Unfortunately, I cannot and will not leave her alone with him and often feel like a prisoner that cannot go anywhere. If I get someone else to come over and watch her so I can go to the store or doctor's he becomes explosive as to why would I need someone to watch her when he's home. There's no rationalizing with him or changing his behaviors. I'm glad to know I'm not alone and feel validation in reading other's comments and this page.

  • Comment Link Dawn McCormack Tuesday, 06 September 2016 13:56 posted by Dawn McCormack

    My god I am astounded by this article about marriage to a narcissist man. I am not a young woman and have had several periods of emotional illness in my life. This article has described what I have lived with all these years and the reason for my emotional depletion.

    It makes total sense to me. So at least I have an understanding of what has been happening to me. Believe me if I was financially secure, I'd be living far away from him.

  • Comment Link LaLa Monday, 05 September 2016 10:23 posted by LaLa

    I am sort of at breaking point and feel poorly, keep coming down with illnesses as I can't seem to get past the control and hate the shouting and creaming when bringing up subjects, no patience and the horrible comments. We live off shore as he likes his space as long as I am with him, he treats me like princess by breakfast in bed and has taken over the cooking, he can be so loving and generous, but it all has to be his way. He constantly talks about himself, how great he is, how no one can walk in his shoes, no one can look after me like he does.
    But if he needs to travel for business he is gone in a flash.
    We both have families with grandchildren we adore, he of course will treat his own family differently and he is paying for all their lifestyle, he will not discuss it with me , he has always paid them all and his Ex for many years, he is very secretive about it all, he says it's because he wasn't around and it's his money.
    I have a wonderful. family whom I want to stand on their own feet, he does tend to use my daughter and son who he relies on to back up his work, without payment,I see them as much as I can but its not enough as their are issues that have built up that need sorting
    I have probably been too understanding, I feel sorry for him at times but I think I am worn out with it all.
    I work too on our business just as hard as him but his dictorial attitude, impatience is stopping the business succeeding.
    I don't see how anything can change but. I know I need it to, not sure if I can carry out the next move.
    I do feel quite disloyal writing this and feel. Quite torn in so many directions.

  • Comment Link Anonymous Wednesday, 31 August 2016 09:44 posted by Anonymous

    I am married to a narcissist for 26 years whose sister is also a narcissist. Both of them together get on to clever acts and strategies in life. Have gone through rough life but waiting for daughters to settle down. His sister is his constant support encouraging him with more strategies.
    They love to lie from small to big things, always humiliate us in public. Keep lying to friends and relatives about me when his behavior is questioned.
    Any kind act of looking him during his sickness, cooking anything that he likes is always turned down with bad remarks for his sadism. Earlier, I used to think that it was ego and sadism. But, they are subset in the big cover of narcissism. Thanks for your lovely article

  • Comment Link sims Wednesday, 31 August 2016 03:59 posted by sims

    Thank you for your words. I am so glad I am not alone.

  • Comment Link Hala Sunday, 28 August 2016 19:17 posted by Hala

    Unbelivably true, good God where you there with us

  • Comment Link Sherry Friday, 26 August 2016 00:47 posted by Sherry

    Thank you so much for writing this article!

  • Comment Link Isabelle Thursday, 25 August 2016 11:56 posted by Isabelle

    Thank you for this article it is very insightful. I think both me and my partner are narcissists but he is more than me. So there's a lot of fighting for power. Can narcissists change over time if they get help?

  • Comment Link Mode Monday, 22 August 2016 05:05 posted by Mode

    I been with my husband for 8 years and this attitude with narcissistic personality its been going on for 4 years he has a new job and he seems to be worry about how far can he get on a new position and very selfish and cocky he is, he walks in with anger sometimes I don't even know when his in a good mood I'm even afraid to ask how day goes bcz I don't know what will be his response. Everytime we go out to the stores he walks around like his the shitt with this confidence and I feel low it takes a lot of energy from me I even feel horrible myself but I know im attractive bcz other men look at I know I ain't ugly but when I'm with him it's a different way of thinking I don't know plz help!

  • Comment Link Brooke Saturday, 20 August 2016 14:06 posted by Brooke

    Hi all. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who lives with this in a daily basis. I have been with a narssasist for 6 years but only married 2. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I'm a teacher. I mention this because his biggest jabs are geared towards me being incapable of being a mother if I ask him for help once in a while to put her to bed so I can clean the house or work on grad homework. He then persists to tell me I'm incapable of being a teacher. I have been researching narssasist so I know now that is just what they do. So I guess I'm here seeking help on how to live with him and cope. Also I want to somehow get him to realize and seek help for himself. Is this even possible? Thank you all in advance.

  • Comment Link Cundy Friday, 19 August 2016 22:52 posted by Cundy

    I have been married for 43 years to a man I just realized was a narcisist, and only because my son told me thats what he is. Luckily he is.on the road and only home on weekends! I've always told.him he takes the fun out of everything, and it is true. I don't know how I will survive when he retires, seriously. When he is around my life is basically hell. He has no hobbies or interests, and when he is home he follows me around like a lost puppy. He hates it when I read or go on the computer or do anything else that makes me happy. There has never heen a gift or a friend of mine that he likes. He has never been company, or helpful, or pleasant to be around. I am lonely in my heart. He lies about the stupidest things and says the stupidest things, and thinks he is funny. I am finding it harder to cope with his crap after putting up with it for so long. Thank god, at least I know now that he really does have a problem, and its not just my imagination like he always tells me it is. If anyone is in an early relationship with a narcisist my advice is to run like hell. No one dezerves to live with a creap like that!

  • Comment Link Rainbow Tuesday, 16 August 2016 02:06 posted by Rainbow

    I've been married to a narcissist for 33 years. I realized it about 15 years ago. My mother is 94 and a narcissist. The toll both have taken on me and our family is devastating. I realized, when I finally saw he was the crazy one, that I was a good person and I was not the loser he made me feel like. I became financially and more socially independent. I stayed with him for many reasons, not any of which I can remember now. It was such freedom to know in my heart that he is the pathetic one who has always tried to make me think I needed him. By the grace of God I have been able to understand his broken, sad existence. Now he is dying from not one, but two terminal illnesses. He has softened a bit towards me but still shows such contempt for me at times, even though I have been by his side and advocated for him relentlessly. I have chosen to be here for him as I would for any person who is dying and needs my help. I find it so sad that he can't appreciate and love the one person who is here for him. He can still be cold, nasty, and disapproving. He has no concept, and does not care at all, how this affects me. But, that's ok because I know he never has cared. I long for the day I am free of his disdainful treatment. It will come one day and I know I will have a lot of emotional healing to deal with. I just hope it's sooner than later. Trying to be loving to someone who is dying, and is still awful to you, is as terrible as it ever was, but at least the end is in sight. I feel such hate toward him at times and feel so trapped now. Crazy how his death is the light at the end of this tragic tunnel.

  • Comment Link Mana Monday, 15 August 2016 17:47 posted by Mana

    Hi everyone! Joining all of you to get some strength from your experience. I think you would understand what I am going through. right now I am not able to say all the things that happened to me and I am going through. After 3 years of marriage got to know I was loving and devoting to a narcissist! A narcissist husband who was completely in control by his narcissist mother!! And these two deadly combination were playing with me , manipulating me And the whole family was a abusar ! Specially the mother who is power freak!! Just After three four months I was left an empty confused and hopeless soul who wanted to die. They will manipulation me and their faults Become my fault. tried very hard to make things better but I lost myself! Every bit of mine seems scattered!! I have nothing left. Even all my belongings he has. All the dowry he took, he is using comfortably without any shame. And shows anger and tell to the society that I am the culprit. People believe him as for the society he is very cultured man.earning very well. Looks handsome and has very pleasant personality..I am afraid of everyone now. Specially who looks good and speak nicely. For almost a year I took to accept that I was believing a lie and I was in love with a lie, this was the truth I was not able to accept. I am left now with eroded self esteem...and no desire left for anything..I feel an empty shell.

  • Comment Link theintuitivesoul Sunday, 14 August 2016 19:57 posted by theintuitivesoul

    For 5 long years I've been trying to figure this thing out. He's a Narcissist it all madness sense now. Decisions, Decisions!?!?!

  • Comment Link Anonymous Thursday, 11 August 2016 13:38 posted by Anonymous

    Hi I'm a 13 year old girl with a narcissistic dad. Half the time he's talking, he's yelling and all the yelling has taken its toll on me emotionally. At first I thought that was just his way of parenting me and brothers but then I started getting really depressed and didn't want to tell anyone so I took to YouTube to find out how to deal with these emotions when I stumbled upon some videos of narcissistic parents and realized that every description fit my dad. I was pretty shocked to realise other people were going through this. Then I learned that about narcissistic husbands and saw that that also perfectly fit his behavior to my mom. My mom is a stay at home mom which means my dad is the only one with a job, so he use that against her in arguments a lot. I'm not saying that they don't love each other or anything like that because they do, but sometimes, as much as I hate mayself for thinking it, I hope they divorce. We my mom and my siblings and I are Catholic and while divorce is allowed, it's typically not encouraged unless there is violence, so that mean my parents most likely split anytime soon. It does a lot of emotional damage to me and my brothers to see my dad yell at my mom. He yells at her for anything: spending lots of money (even thought she never, I mean NEVER, spends money on herself and only uses it for necessities like food, groceries, bills, ECT.), he yells at her for misinterperating information he gives her (although 90% of the time he gave her the wrong info), and last of many other reasons he yells at her for stupid, everyday things but always turns a mountain out of a mole hill. He loves playing the victim whenever arguing with any of us, he'll say things like how "he's the only one who ever does any work around here" and "he could leave us and be able to have a more comfortable life". There are so many things I want to say to my dad but I always freeze up in the moment when I try to make my point, which is why he wins every argument and on the rare occasion I win one, he plays the infamous "parenting card" which apparently makes him "always right". Last night when he was asleep, I did send him an link to a video about narcissistic parenting. I hope it helps him realise the way he's acting cause I'm fed up, my brothers are fed up, and my mom is CLEARLY fed up with it too. I love my dad very, very much. We play basketball and go out for ice but the thing that makes our relationship strained is his narcissism and I really want us to have a better relationship. I realise that parents have to be parents, but I'm just sick of him being the dictator of my life!

  • Comment Link Darla Tuesday, 09 August 2016 17:19 posted by Darla

    Thank you for your article. I don't know why any of us would WANT to live with a Narcissist. They are deceptive, they cheat, steal, etc etc. There is no reason to stay except for FEAR. I began to realize that my husband's bark is greater than his bite. He rarely EVER goes through with his threats; he only uses them for intimidation, and when I call him on it, he'll admit he was bluffing to get me to back off.

    Anita, get a job and open up your OWN bank account with your name on it only. Yes it will anger him if he finds out, but that's just because you've played him at his own game. Yes he will accuse you of cheating and having an ulterior motive, but so what? Get yourself established and get out when you can. I am sure there are woman shelters you can reach out to for help. He is abusive, plain and simple.

    I have been separated from my husband now for a year, MY CHOICE, and my eyes have been opened to his manipulation, deception, intimidation, devaluation, etc, etc. Our children are also seeing the light.

    What the world calls narcissistic, is actually the Jezebel spirit. Look it up. A lot of mental disorders are actually the devil...seriously. We are deceived in this world on many levels!

    Love you all! Try to remember that YOU are NOT THE PROBLEM. Everything that your narcissistic partner is telling you, is what they really feel about themselves. They project what they think of themselves onto you. They feel horrible, so they make you feel horrible. Just remember, whatever negative things they are saying to you, the opposite is actually true!

  • Comment Link anita Monday, 08 August 2016 12:26 posted by anita

    Hi I am new here. I am married to my narcissistic husband for 31 years. I do not have any self esteem or dignity left. I am scared to leave and do not know if I would be able to look after myself. I have nothing on my name, not even a clothing account. We live in a beautiful home with beautiful sea views. I marrage contract states that we are married out of community of property and my husband said that he will make sure that will leave with nothing. I do not have a support system, but I am desperate to leave. Any advise will be helpful, thank you.

  • Comment Link rose Sunday, 07 August 2016 21:26 posted by rose

    I'm telling my husband that he needs to get therapy or I'm going thru with the divorce and is saying I'm the problem in the relationship

  • Comment Link MRS S Sunday, 07 August 2016 11:17 posted by MRS S


    I've been married to a narcissist for 2 years and only just realised, just had twins , and his true colours have just become apparent. my life is a living hell.

  • Comment Link Siobhan Beattie Sunday, 07 August 2016 05:16 posted by Siobhan Beattie

    I have lived with a narcissistic husband for 35 years and finally walked out with no confidence and unable to make a decision for myself. I have no feelings left in me will I ever feel normal again. It is only with the encouragement from my family that I have gotten out thank goodness I have a support system

  • Comment Link Debbie O Friday, 05 August 2016 18:55 posted by Debbie O

    Yes I just realized after 8 years that my husband has let his "narcissistic hair" down. Whirlwind romance the first 2 years then I got that ugly feeling he was cheating. I only had circumstantial evidence but a tractor trailer load of it. He told me I'm crazy...didn't know what I was talking about and I have no proof! Imagine that. Now 6 years later and anger is constant from him. I call him on everything now and don't play into his blame game. They are their own worst enemy!! I just keep one step ahead and do what makes me happiest
    I now realize he'll never be happy but it's NOT due to me.

  • Comment Link MARGIE Friday, 05 August 2016 14:15 posted by MARGIE name is Margie... for the very first time in 3 and 1/2 years... I have learned that the man whom I have done all of things for and have submitted myself through so many ordeals ...His name is Narcissist!!!
    How do I find the strong in me to just walk away..

  • Comment Link Annie Wednesday, 03 August 2016 20:12 posted by Annie

    I have been married to my husband for over 30 years and have finally "broken". He is a good provider, hard worker, and to most, the most fun loving person anyone would care to know. This summer has changed because I realize I no longer enjoy even the little things. I never get to do what I want or need, and my anxiety attacks have gotten so bad they are scary. He has taken over my time. To top it all off, he is now flirting with every warm body he can, male or female, and acting very inappropriately.
    I won't leave him, but have finally decided I need to do what is best for me.

  • Comment Link Diane Monday, 01 August 2016 01:00 posted by Diane

    I have recently discovered my husband to be a huge narcissist, filling every criterion I have read. It was revealed when I found out he was visiting strip clubs regularly, spending hundreds of dollars on lap dances and texting with the "ladies". He made me feel I had somehow driven him to it. He was not remorseful but for the sake of his lifestyle I guess (I'm a doctor, he is a stay at home dad) he apologized and promised to stop. Well he didn't. He is so mad that I called him out on it that he has accused me of being psychotic, demonizing him and being a terrible mother. He also took off with my jewelry box in a fit of rage. This marriage is over and I need to vent.
    Looking back I see so many warning signs. Shortly after we married, he started putting me down in front of other people. He was very critical. We could never go any where unless it was his idea. It was so strange because our courtship was out of a book. We were attracted to each other right away. He was super attentive and thoughtful. He lavished me with gifts and attention and made an effort with my family.
    Recently, I feel like I'm his mother or some horrible harpie of a wife. I "don't understand" his innocent need for "someone to talk to".
    I am just sick over it because we have a 12 year old son (and an 18 yr old and a 21 yr old all boys). I don't want to blow a hole in this family but I have to get away from this loon. I did everything I could in the past year to get help. He resisted every attempt at therapy and just told the therapists what he needed to to get them off his back. The things he has said to me are disgusting lies. I never this and I never that. When I tried so hard to make him feel important and needed. I could kick myself for doing it and putting myself last all the time.
    He doesn't like my friends or my family and makes any sort of outing with either of them unpleasant. He'll just sit there looking like I'm making him swallow poison.
    At least now that I know what a lying scumbag he is, my feelings of love have been extinguished. He can't really hurt me because I don't care. I do worry because although I have made it clear that i want to end this peacefully, he continues to threaten me (he's going to get half of everything, the house the kids, I will be the one moving out). Oh yes speaking of moving out, when I told him I was through with him he put a suitcase on my side of the bed. He has also locked me out of the bedroom and made comments about me getting out in front of our youngest.
    When I said I want him to go away, he angrily went over to the butcher block, grabbed a deboning knife and held it up to his wrist "How long do you think it will take?!" If I wasn't so shocked and scared I think I might've laughed. He would never kill himself, he is too right about everything all the time.

  • Comment Link Lorraine Friday, 29 July 2016 17:09 posted by Lorraine

    Married a narcissist in 72. After 10 years of a miserable marriage, with. 4 yr old, a 2 yr old, no income or child support, I divorced hm. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. NEVER REGRETTED IT FOR A MOMENT. Went back to college, got my degree, provided for my children, I love in my own home. So glad I got away from him.

  • Comment Link Linda Monday, 25 July 2016 17:43 posted by Linda

    Spot on you have described my husband perfectly he acts like a gentle and kind man to others and a fox to me thank you so much for your insight has helped me greatly lindax

  • Comment Link Karen Wednesday, 20 July 2016 04:22 posted by Karen

    Wow, after reading your article yesterday and all about gaslighting, I realised in a day that I had no strength left and lost my ability to function as a confident strong woman and would have done anything to stay in my nearly 10 year relationship with my Partner. But in just 2 days everything I have been reading about, especially with regard to the lies and entrapment they put you in. My partner has sent me a text saying there is no future and she hates the way she is with me and doesn't want to be that person anymore and has also blamed me for being the same as her. She sent me a photo of her new partner as well and said see she is real and she likes it and its nice. I cried and started sending texts back saying good and bad things, but at the end of the day I said I loved her. Today after being back on this page I hope she has gone and I can get some sanity back. Thanks again

  • Comment Link Karen Tuesday, 19 July 2016 05:15 posted by Karen

    Hi, I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 9 years and like one of your people commenting spoke about I know now that I was and still am living with a narcissitic personality disorder girlfriend. We met in 2007, moved in together moved a couple of times and in 2012 we bought a house then in 2013 we had to sell our house that we just purchased because Racheal became extreme and was going into hate mode and telling me to get out, hating me and trying to kill herself then loving me again and blaming me for leaving. It was her choice to sell and her family just let it happen and not give me any consideration and blamed me. I wasn't ready to give up on her and fought for her back and never stopped trying to win her love back. Finally last year we moved back in together, the beginning was so wonderful again, but sadly in late June this year I got sick with high blood pressure (I sort of knew it was stress related) from constant walking on egg shells and abusiveness/bullying towards me. Anyway, her sister got sick and she could not look to me for support and made me the one to attack to try to feel better. I left, however I love her so much I still want her back but she said I left her and it's all my fault and she says I only look at one side of the story. I am only better when she is talking to me, I wish I could just go back but she says I can't even go to her new place, but I know she loves me, but she doesn't know how anymore . I know that I have accommodated Racheal's wounds for years, I just want her to realise I left not because I don't not love her its because I had to, to try to savour anything with us. What do I do now? She has told me she has someone else which I'm not sure I do believe, but it's heartbreaking. How do I get her back?

  • Comment Link Karen Tuesday, 19 July 2016 05:10 posted by Karen

    Oh My God, that article is so true. My problem is I have just left my partner, however I am still so in love with her. I want to go back but of course everything is my fault and I left her. I tried to explain I didn't leave her because I didn't love her I had to go because it started to affect my health. Now she says she has met someone else, its only been a couple of months. I am so lost, I would love her to let me know that she love me, I know she does but she just keeps punishing me for leaving. You really think you are alone and not strong anymore. Thanks for writing this article. How do I get her to want me back.

  • Comment Link NPD Survivor Sunday, 10 July 2016 05:25 posted by NPD Survivor

    This is all true about my life with an ex-NPD. True about him, true about how I felt about myself, true about the palpable fear I had for my children.

    May I give hope and encouragement to everyone reading and relating to this article that you can survive and your children can survive. I chose divorce and lost so much; friends, family (his, I loved them as my own), my security and my home. However, I would divorce him again!

    It has been more than 15 years since our divorce and my recovery continues, but I am living my life and loving my children the way they deserve to be loved. Sadly, I have witnessed his NPD-destruction with his second wife and his third.

    Be strong, kind to yourself and don't look back.

  • Comment Link lkanony Sunday, 10 July 2016 03:54 posted by lkanony

    GREAT POINTERS....pretty much EXACTLY what I needed to read to confirm my situation AND some tactics that I've been using. This article however has made me understand the reasoning and ways of a narcissist or people with narcissistic tendencies better. Ironically, it made me feel even better about myself with the thought of me not being "out of the ordinary". I shall most CERTAINLY remind myself of this for MY benefit, thus building my independence even more by adding to my credentials (which I WILL be doing) and building my financial portfolio INDEPENDENT of my husband and being the queen of the fort which again, the older I've even become the less his tantrums are intimidating or opinions about what I BUY for MYSELF matter.

  • Comment Link Andie Saturday, 09 July 2016 03:18 posted by Andie

    Thank you for hitting the nail on the head. My husband lies, makes up stories to make him look big, belittles me eventhough I have always supported our family, and he gets mad over anything minor. Calls me names I never imagined I would hear.
    I was a single momma and made a great life for me and my daughter. Met my hub got married and have a second daughter. When he gets in these rages I want to leave but I get threatened. He tries to not pay for anything bc I'm suppose to and hes suppose to keep his money he says. But what gets me is his family. They accept his behavior and make excuses constantly for him. I'm stuck bc he shows no affection unless he wants it' and I'm hurting for my girls. They love him and I dont want a split family. But I'm on the last straw. Bc I'm missing my family and friends. He hates them all , I dont even talk about my family bc he has ugly things to say. I'm always optomistic and hes negative about everything.
    Anyway feels good to just get it off my chest. I want to love him wholly but I think now that I know the truth I can't. How can u love someone who wants you to look bad and calls u names. Little by little he has chizeled away at my heart, its almost dust. Then I'll go. Hes told me he won't change bc I won't. But he can't tell me what to change. Hang in there everyone youre not alone!!!

  • Comment Link Christine Brimson Friday, 08 July 2016 02:32 posted by Christine Brimson

    Great article. This is my second marriage to this narcissistic person, you may think I am mad. I this second marriage I could see habits/behavior that was unacceptable, so it was time to get expert advise a Councillor and Psychiatrist which Narcissism was his diagnosis.

    Of course it is always my fault Lies are all part of it. I live on high vigilance never knowing when he will have a fit of anger or say something with attitude to my friends or acquaintances. Which I get embarrassed. He is not happy I told him to leave the house. Not sure what is next. These people only worry about them and money. I need to gather my thoughts.

  • Comment Link Honey Tuesday, 05 July 2016 13:38 posted by Honey

    I love this article!!! So true about taking your self-esteem back and finding your "inner Queen".

    It's mostly about AWARENESS when you live with one. You are NOT the problem....He is!!!

    I make more of an effort to treat myself nice and expect him to do the same. If he can't or won't....I simply walk away. And yes I roll my eyes at the negativity and the "mantrums". What used to scare me...just annoys me and embarasses me.

    I am learning to make my own plans to have fun and not plan my time around him any more. It's funny...but he is always making plans that don't include me. He is astounded when I feel last on his list and left out. When the shoe is on the foot...and I take care of me and do what I want to do...he's astounded that he's not the center of my universe and wonders where I am? Like I can't have fun without him! And it TRULY burns his biscuits when I go and do stuff with my grown son and don't include him...but he has no use for family time and always acts like it's a burden to include my son in outings. son can't tolerate the Narcissistic BS so he takes him in small doses.

  • Comment Link Jeanne Batacan Saturday, 02 July 2016 18:19 posted by Jeanne Batacan

    I didn't know much about narcissism until my (short term) therapist suggested I do a little research....

    Well, the words Knight in shining armor and...Jekyll & Hyde kept popping up. The same words I was using to describe him to my close friends.

    I don't think he has a dual personality, but believe he is simply STUCK as a spoiled, self centered NINE year old.

    Reading this article (Cooping Strategies) has reassured me that I am taking care of myself mentally - and staying happy and positive ---- even if it is in my own mind and/or away from him with friends or volunteering.

    I will know if and when it is time for me to leave - and I am preparing myself for that eventuality.

    I feel confident and empowered......

  • Comment Link Rachael Friday, 01 July 2016 20:57 posted by Rachael

    learning to live

  • Comment Link Ruby Friday, 01 July 2016 19:07 posted by Ruby

    There's nothing I can say about my husband that hasn't already been described here.
    QUID PRO QUO.....anyone?

  • Comment Link Darlene Friday, 01 July 2016 09:25 posted by Darlene

    Thank you - your article was so helpful.

  • Comment Link Lisa Sethi Wednesday, 29 June 2016 14:08 posted by Lisa Sethi

    It's wonderful that you're out there. It leaves me feeling less alone.

  • Comment Link Hiphopanonymous Tuesday, 28 June 2016 16:07 posted by Hiphopanonymous

    I have been married to a narc for 10 years and feel completely drained of energy and emotions. I filed for divorce twice and both times he swindled me into taking him back. Each time he was amazing for about one month then like a snap of fingers, he turned right back into the selfish, always right, nothing is good enough for him, mood. He calls me names and newest is whore, boring, and a slob. I'm the one who cleans, does laundry, cook, all of it while he doesn't have a regular job and stays home all day while I work a full time and part time job. It's been 3 months since we reunited (after one year separation)and he hasn't even asked to help pay one bill. I feel disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be "tricked" again. After 10 years, I feel like this is it. I don't have more money to attempt another divorce and honestly, I don't have the mental/emotional energy for it. How do I continue living with a person like this and why can he control it when he wants to(a month at a time I'm a queen to him)? Confused, sad, and disappointed.

  • Comment Link Judith Tuesday, 28 June 2016 00:29 posted by Judith

    All of my kids are grown. I'm not staying for them. I'm staying because I'm retired and he's still working and making good money. Thank God he lives and works in another state. Otherwise I'd kill him. When he comes home I am always so glad when he leaves. Too old to start over again and just don't want to be poor. Been there done that. Didn't marry him for money. I had a good career. Now I'm retired. The thought of going back to work at my age is much worse than staying. Maybe that will change when he retires. But that's ten years away.

  • Comment Link vicky Monday, 27 June 2016 21:46 posted by vicky

    My story has got me questioning myself on a daily basis, if we are not arguing then we are not talking. I always thought it was just me being annoyed at him for going to the pub a few times a week, as I'm at home with three small gorgeous children and that maybe during my pregnancy's I was less tolerant of this. But looking back over the past eight years, I don't think it is as much as him going to the pub as to the way he releases himself from any responsibilities to the family and will go out and get absolutely wrecked, he then may come home wake me up with loud music even though I have babies in bed. If I ever challenge him he call me a list of names, from whore to ugly ect.. He seems to hate me going out saying the kids are difficult, although in front of other people he says I can go out whenever I want. He wants a holiday on his own as he feels like he deserves it as he works and I don't (stay at home mum). I don' take too much notice of the name calling in anger anymore, its more the general put downs that bother me, I remember sitting in the garden and my son was playing guitar whilst I made up some lyrics, we were only having fun and he was sitting there cringing at me. I just can't remember the last time I was liked for being me, I know I used to be, maybe I just don't know anymore.. I have beautiful children and just don't know what to do for their sake.. I know they love their father and to leave would mean I would have to leave the country and go home, so they would have very little contact with him then, not sure if that seems too drastic, also eldest child is settled in school, think I really need to talk to someone.. Another thing he does which I read on the gas light page, is if I do something wrong like don't park the car correctly or forget to move the kids bike from the drive before he comes home from work, he tell me off in the most nastiest voice not necessary loud, he wouldn't want people to hear, yesterday his words were directly to me "If I see that bike in my way again it'll go over the fucking hedge" with a really nasty look to go with it, and I'm thinking well this is a nice home coming happy days..

  • Comment Link Anne W. Friday, 24 June 2016 21:38 posted by Anne W.

    It's very sad to see all of the awful stories here about living with a narcissist. I've been living with one for 10 years now and I feel drained of all joy in life. It has been an emotionally exhausting nightmare. He was kind, helpful, loving and attentive until we got married. Then he suddenly became extremely self-centered and selfish, verbally and emotionally abusive, and doggedly determined not to do any housework, yard work, or errand-running because he is just too special and important to be required to participate in such lowly activities. He can't let me finish a sentence without interrupting it with something he wants to say on an unrelated topic. He refutes everything I say and rejects every suggestion I make, and will then say or suggest the very same things himself a couple of hours later. I would have packed up and left earlier, but I fell ill physically and had to quit my job and focus on surviving. I have been struggling to recuperate enough to work full-time and be able to support myself again. I think that time is near. My narcissistic spouse lies about everything. He hides money and bank account passwords to keep me ignorant of the finances and to limit my access to money. He spends money wildly on himself and his expensive hobbies and I must buy anything I need or want with my meager part-time income. I once woke him up when I experienced sudden, incapacitating chest pains in the middle of the night. His only response was anger that I'd interrupted his sleep. Lately he has begun telling people, right in front of me and in public, that he's a domestic violence victim and that I beat him in private. It's to the point now that nothing he says or does to demean me would surprise me. Yet he tells me every day that he loooooves me. Those words are meaningless to me now. They're just sounds he makes with his mouth. He's funny and charming to other people when he wants to be and most of the rest of the world thinks he's a nice guy. He's really, really not, and only his ex-wives and I know the truth. What HE doesn't know is that I am not going to live the rest of my life as an abused, manipulated, house slave. I am plotting my escape and I WILL succeed in saving myself. I send love and support to all others struggling to survive life with a narcissist.

  • Comment Link Irene Lopez Thursday, 23 June 2016 04:21 posted by Irene Lopez

    I am NUMB after 24 years I do not know this man I married. I do know the man who has torn my heart and soul piece by piece. The essence of myself has been stripped away. At 63 I have to leave WOW to start all over he has spent every penny on his lies, women, prostitutes and more lies. over the past couple of months I have found some solace in a few websites that if they was a camera his picture would be on the website. All is going but I am not lost I will make baby steps to heal to comfort my soul to mend my heart.
    Tomorrow when I awake I will know I am not alone.
    I will leave by the end of July with the help of my son ( Not HIS ) thank god and my brothers and family.

  • Comment Link sharla Sunday, 19 June 2016 13:21 posted by sharla

    I am married to a narcissist. Not only is he difficult for me to live with, my observation is he finds it difficult to live with himself; although he blames everyone else.

  • Comment Link Miserable Saturday, 18 June 2016 21:53 posted by Miserable

    I have been married to my husband for 29 years. We dated for 3 years prior to getting married. The 3 years we dated he was a really sweet guy who was very softly spoken.

    We have 5 beautiful children from the age of 13 to 26 all of which i mainly raised on my own as he never got involved or showed any interest in their education or even took the time to know them. The only way he knew things about them is from what i tell him. My kids would come to me for everything as they did not find their father very approachable or very caring and would often share their feelings with me. During our years of marriage most of it was very miserable for me. We separated over 5 times mainly due to things he would do like get done for DUI go to court and fined $1000 and suspended license for 8 months but still drove and did not tell me, fly overseas and pay $3000 for a cultural tattoo without consulting with me, i felt so betrayed and still do, do body building and then would look at me like i was a horrible fat person because i had gained a lot of weight after having our 5 kids and more probably to depression with not knowing how to deal with a man that you realise you are not compatible with. He has nearly lost his job 3 times and each time he gets down and i have had to fight hard against his employer to support him and there were times when I Knew he was the problem because if he behaves like this at home hes probably worse at work. As soon as each case was sorted he would go back to treating me like crap and making me feel like i was irrelevent. The tone he uses when he speaks to me most of the time is unbearerable, he ignores me when i talk to him, has become a 7th day adventist fanatic where he stays by himself in our room reading the bible and worshipping on his own on his guitar from Friday night to Saturday night and does not interact with me and our kids. We are presbytarian so again he never consulted with me when he decided to change religion. He changed because a friend of his who was a doctor encouraged him and my husband likes to feel important so obviously if a doctor was one then he had to be one at the expense of his family. He has never organised anything for our family. From building our home, buying our investment property, overseas trips, purchasing our cars, virtually everything for our family i have done because he doesnt know how to do it or expects me to do it because hes 'too busy' with his job even though i have a busier job and earn over $20k more than him. I cant remember the last time we slept together and i must admit sex has never been that great and mostly something i would have to initiate. Im tired of trying to get attention i deserve from my husband and I dont care about sex for the rest of my life especially when it has no meaning. He is a very selfish person and i have told him many times and have given him examples, he says sorry but then a couple of months later he goes back to his old ways. I dont feel and have never felt loved by my husband the way a husband should love their wives or how i see my many friends husband treat them. In fact i believe he does not know what love is or how to love He shows love to us by cooking lunch for us on Sundays but does not understand that it all means nothing to me and our kids. We would rather eat toast with a cup of tea and have a real husband than this. I was recently very sick and had to have 6 months off work due to physical and mental exhaustion and during this period not once did my husband ask me how i was was feeling or what was wrong or what could he change to help me like most men would do. My husband is not a leader and cannot deal with any issues, he pretends it doesnt exist it will just go away. He is not what i would call a real man. At least not the man i dreamt my future husband would be like when i was a young girl. He always claims he cant remember things he did in our marriage years ago that were not good but i dont believe it because how can you forget when there were many. My physchologist has said that the way my husband has treated me had also contributed to my being unwell. This is something i already knew because there is only so much you can take.

    I have been totally miserable in our marriage for a long time now and at the point that i need to make a decision if i should continue with this miserably life or move on. I was at this point 2 years ago and made a decision as always to give it another go for the sake of our children and to minimise the affect on our 2 kids left at school, I may not have a choice but to stay in this miserable marriage until our youngest daughter has finished her education. I hate being married to him as this is not how i ever imagined married life to be. I dream of a caring husband who loves me for me and not judge me, who suppots me and does small things for me now and then and who genuinely enjoys spending time with me. Instead i am stuck with the most selfish, unloving person in the world who makes me depressed and miserable, who i dont feel love towards and see him as only the father of my kids, Who made me lose my confidence and self worth and who claims to be a 'Christian' but unfortunately whose actions or lack of actions are a disgrace to Gods teaching on love and marriage.

    I am going to make some changes for myself and place me first and not do anything for this man i call my husband because im absolutely tired of things being unloved and unappreciated. I feel numb and have been for many years. What a waste of life! I cant get those lost years back but i can make some changes for myself to ensure happiness for me the rest of my life. i havent quite figured out where to start but i will get there because writing this and reading it back has made me realise that i should have ended my marriage many many years ago.

  • Comment Link Hope Friday, 17 June 2016 12:53 posted by Hope

    We are Divorced after 5 yrs of marriage. Seperate living while divorce took place a year. My X husband and I have a 5yr old son that was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 1. He is still battling it since he relapsed last October. I Love my X very much even with all the terrible things he put me through, and yep! I was to blame for Divorce. I made some bad choices which I would of never have done if I wasn't so constricted, restricted, controlled. I am not able to heal in our situation. I want to be over him and not have any Love chemistry feeling when I see him. I want to not care if he starts dating, but instead I'm hurt, jelouse, and to make myself feel better I tell myself trust in God, he has a plan.I have to see him all the time since our son is ill. I feel trapped. I am heart broken. I know he is toxic. We have joint custody but our son lives with him. House was his before marriage, and house was medical proofed for our son. I had a part time job at the time but not enough to be on my own. It was the best interest of our child to stay with him at the house. I have him frequently but still have to see my X all the time. If my son wasn't I'll I would heal, I wouldn't have to see him often. This is not the case. Our son still has big 3 big chemo treatments in the hospital to come. He had to go to his dr 3 times a week for counts, after chemo treatment, radiation, and then 3 yrs of maintenance phase. I'm making it on my own but barely able to save. My parents can't help me or my siblings. I am alone in this. i will be seeing a therapist in a couple weeks and keep at it. I feel so burnt out on top of his endless moves on me, I haven't let him have his fix of me and so I look like a challenge and so he'll refrain and weeks later again. I know his mind games. If he had me, he would use me a while and drop me without a care if someone else fancied his eye, and would have no empathy. I tried dating but nothing ever came out of it for me. I have thoughts sometimes that why do I want to overwhelm the guy with my sons issues. plus I'm not ready to date. I have a lot of work to do on myself.I work full time, arranged my schedule where I have mon Wednesday off to be involved with my sons treatments, and I have a 15 yr old daughter from my first marriage as well that I have dinners with her and some weekends here and there to have time with her. Her dad and I agreed he would take her a while since I felt she didn't have stability. Retail hrs I was working was not stable for my daughter. After a year I felt stable but her dad wanted to keep her longer. I'm a reasonable person, big heart. Her dad and i agreed she would be with me when she hit puberty. She was 6 then and it became Hard for me to have my daughter. My newely X husband met when she was 8. I was open with him about it and he was ok with that agreement but when time came he denied saying he agreed to it or I don't like the way she behaves, to I'm not sure wha kind of parent you are when he felt I needed to be on her more. I did the best that I could. My daughter and I are not close as it should be. I fought for her but because she had a roof over her head and was taken care it was no concern even when her dad wasn't taking care of her properly and I felt she would be taken care ofwith us. When our son was diagnosed it was more of a reason to him for her not to live with us. His parents got involved and would tell me I needed to concentrate on our son more cause he could die, but I have two kids, anyone of us can be taken at any moment. After a while I accepted it because it was no longer A place she should be. Things got worse when our son got diagnosed. I'm sorry this came out long. I fought for my marriage and since I married before I was determined Divorce wasn't an option. I'm not religious but believe in God. When we met he believed in God. We marry and all of a sudden he doesn't. More I fought it was a turn off for him. He couldn't see or feel how much I loved him. He controlled the money and got after me for things I thought I needed to where I took it and looked at the positive about it and thought he's right I need to handle money better. I couldn't work because I had to be with my son. I was home bound cause our son couldn't be out, he had no immunity. Long story short I wasn't allowed to save because we had so much medical debt. I wasn't able to keep cash on me because every dollar had a name to it and he needed to know where it was going. His cover up? Dave Ramsey. You get the picture. It goes on and on and on. How do I move forward? I'm looking forward to see my therapist and see or know what I could do in my situation. It's been so miserable the last year that I would rather had still been married to him. I didn't know he was a narcissist. Our chemistry was our glue that stuck, but this was a case of what's love got to do with it. Everything else sucked! Why love him? I'm working on it. I need a detox from him. Bottom line he broke me down to the point where I am overly emotional and I look unstable to a councelor or therapist sitting next to him cause he keeps it together very well, and quickly I'm the issue, I need to fix this and that and he is looked at stable, and gets away with it all. I'm just going to end my experience that is still going on cause I can add to it. Smak your self if your trying to get back with one. It's not Genuine. This was not a marriage to me. Please excuse me if any inconvenience. Lack of socialization, getting out, it's my bad habit to vent. I'm so exhausted.

  • Comment Link Marie Monday, 13 June 2016 08:30 posted by Marie

    my husband has been taken my credit card and when I complain just says that he is going be retired after 3 months and his salary will be half but he uses credit card whenever he wants and gives me weekly house money, if I buy a shirt or something else I have to use the weekly house money and of course I have to show him recite to believe price and then it takes several days to return me back the money, I am so in pressure not having freedom to even go to coffee shop to drink cofee since everything should be reported and recite must be there to prove my spending.

  • Comment Link Marie Monday, 13 June 2016 08:22 posted by Marie

    I a a foreigner married to Japanese man, he is absolute narcissist, he does not talk with me or my son just when he enters house he closes the door with loud sound , he enters any room shut the door loud, sitting in front of tv for at ileast 12 hours in holidays just watching movies laughing by himself to comedy movies, during this time I am in bedroom reading online things, if we watch tv on holidays he suddenly comesinside room and with his silent behavior and angry face orders us to leave tv with its ewmote to him. My son stays in his room and me

  • Comment Link Shell Wednesday, 08 June 2016 13:19 posted by Shell

    Dating one my ex's is one.
    I know im not to blame. I know i do my best. I have 3 kids. 8 6 and 2 eldest 2 to my ex my eldest living with his dad. (Kills me) the guilt he puts me under for this is crushing. He is there under his roof because its whats best for our son. (Behaviour issues), the demeaning msgd i recieve from him infuriate me. Ive chosen to shut myself down. Natural my mind did it. The amount of history there i believe id mentally break down. Now dating one blaaah! Demeaning manipulating bullying egosentric. Drained. But i know in myself its not the truth what they say, i dont deserve it. But my whole self mind and body has gone on a holiday. I refuse to speak. I dont listen. I dont give an opinion nothing. He can at times pysically hurt and emotional put down my eldest child. The other day i snapped. Went balistic. I blanked out. I was psycotic he said to everyone. I said im a lioness protectic my cubs. Dont return if u believe thats ok and its my childs fault you did that. Dont you all think if someone 'loves you' they should protect and cherish u. Thats why it hurts so much that your mind shuts itself of and you put this face on like the world is wonderful but your dieing inside because every man u chose to be apart of your life wants to crush u. Your the mother of their children but that disrespect every part of you. Mentally physically sexually. Im dead inside. I want my sons to be complete opposites. Im hoping that one day they can self reflect on themselves and think oh shit i will stop it. But for now ill be in my shell continously reading post about how to fix my life... i give you all strength to listen to your gut not your negative mind. To give yourselves positive secret mind msgs that they cant hear or take from you.

  • Comment Link Lizzy Mulongo Wednesday, 08 June 2016 08:12 posted by Lizzy Mulongo

    For a long time time, i thought was the only one in such a nightmare relationship.i had surrendered my credit card to him just to make him happy. this man has been controlling everything in my life. he is one kind who cant take blames, wants the best for himself. he knows all my sources of income but on the other hand i dont know any thing about his. he has isolated me from my family and friends; and only his relatives are allowed to come to our house not mine.

    it is hell.

  • Comment Link 60216 Thursday, 02 June 2016 22:17 posted by 60216

    I'm a male married to a narcissist, and no matter what I do, it's never good enough. I'm tired. I work two jobs while she works part-time one week a month and uses her money to buy things for herself. Somewhere along the line, I lost my self-confidence and my friends and feel trapped and unable to tell anyone because I feel it's my fault for letting this happen. I saw signs but always thought it would get better if I just tried harder... years later and I try harder and she has only increased her expectations. I walk on eggshells and have a constant supply of Tums in my car, at my work desk, and at home. I want to believe that the years we spent together haven't been for nothing. I've tried to leave in the past and she stalked me until I was convinced that things would change. They did for a very short time, but returned to the way they were. I've given up on leaving because I know the outcome will be the same. I've become someone that I never thought I would be and I hate myself. When I tell her how I feel, she says that I'm being overdramatic which is something a man doesn't ever want to hear. I'm lost and I'm at the point where I contemplate suicide almost on a daily basis.

  • Comment Link jaime Monday, 23 May 2016 06:21 posted by jaime

    I am laying in my son's twin bed with two of my little boys, my daughter and my oldest son asleep on the other beds. We had a wonderful day, amusement park. Ice cream, go carts, etc. But. ..on the way home. ..he tore me to pieces. I held my fingers in my ears and sang, as if I was 3. He is indescribable except when I read this. I want to thank you because tonight I truly feel so desperately alone. Tomorrow is our 9 yr anniversary. He ruins every holiday, birthday, etc. Why. ..? What do you gain from ALL of our fear? I have 3 children with him 7, 6 and 3. He kept me pregnant to keep me HERE. My children live in fear of daddy. My heart aches because I chose him for them. I have no idea who I am anymore. I used to be important, attractive, smart, fun.'s all gone.

    I want to thank you for helping me understand him. Talking and arguing back is as successful as conversing with the wall! !! Lol. I'm done. ..we deserve better.

  • Comment Link hope Saturday, 14 May 2016 13:28 posted by hope

    I have been married for 33 years to a narcissistic man.
    Everything in this article is correct. I'm at my wits end with dealing with him. I haven 2 wonderful kids that are of age to make their own decisions and that puts another dynamic to this narisstic toxic marriage.
    I keep asking myself, do I want to live the rest of my life like this. The constant drama, blame and twisting of everything around to everyone else is the problem.

    I am a strong, confident, grounded women. It's draining to try to reason with him. It's a waste of time. He does not hear, it's everyone else.
    I try to show him his inconstancy of his version of things. He is a successful powerful man in community.

    After reading this article, I know I'm not crazy and what I see is correct.

    My heart breaks for my kids as the wish to have a relationship with their dad but it is very hard for them. Nothing is ever good enough, one mistake he will tell them how awful they are. The same is with myself. He takes everyone down in his path.

    The bizarre thing is when he is ready to let something go he acts all nice and happy and he said and did nothing. He acts like he said nothing damaging and hurtful to anyone. I call it, he gets his nice on for a bit because he has an agenda he wants to achieve and wants my help and the kids help.

    He volunteers his help in the community to make himself look good. But when he takes on too much for himself, wife and kids are to bale him out. If we have other plans and can't be done when he wants it.
    Hello drama and lies and stabs of mean hurtful words flying and taking things away.

    I'm not crazy, I've just been dealing with a narisstic man.
    I will try and stay strong and not engage in defending myself. I will walk away and be confident in who I am.

    I have tried and tried to get him to counseling, but he believes he does not need it. It's everyone else.

    I have a choice to continue the marriage and continue to live in a toxic marriage or end the marriage and get out of the toxic relationship.........

  • Comment Link Dione Thursday, 12 May 2016 21:03 posted by Dione

    After reading this article among others about narcissistic behavior...all I can say is I thank God for deliverance. I was in a 2 yr relationship with a man 19 years older than me. I knew nothing about narcissism until I got with him. Charming and giving in the beginning...but the behavior soon changed after he felt he had me. I was happy and enjoying life. Yet, when he came around I began to feel depressed, inadequate, doubted myself etc. However, for me, and others may not agree BUT this is my testimony- my faith in Jesus and my ties with my church has helped me move forward. Additionally, by nature I am strong and very dependent. I too felt as some of the other ladies have written. I thank God my Pastor intervened and advised me what God was revealing to him about our situation- and that it would not be good if I stayed...furthermore, he said, I am grown and I could do what I want but said, warning always come before destruction. So, with that being said, I was obedient to that word. I still love and care for this person. However, I believe pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. So, I encourage you ladies, please be strong. Find strength, courage, and faith in the God of the Bible and Jesus. For some that may not believe- all I can say is its my faith that brought me out of this dark tunnel. I am know longer depressed, crying, and sad. In fact, that was never me before hand. But the demands of trying to be a "good little girl" proved to be overwhelming and the joy I once had was gone. But Glory to God, I am free from that emotional roller coaster. So,please, do what ever you need to show them that you don't need them EVEN IF YOU FEEL YOU DO!!! Narcissist thrive off of you feeling like you need them. I once told my ex- I don't need you, I want you and there is a big difference. A need means you cannot function w/o it; but a want or desire means that you can function with or without it....and it literally bust a fuse in his head- but I did not take it back. I am a strong female, always have been. And more than likely you are and were too...that's why the choose us. But never let a man or anyone for that matter make you feel lower than you were created to be. Any man like that has his own insecurities that more than likely started in his childhood and these evil ways are coping characteristics he has picked up to mask his own insecurity and lack of self worth. You know the saying, "Misery loves company." Be strong, my prayer is that you will be freed from these mental bondages and soar in your divine purpose...and that is to help free someone else.

  • Comment Link Regina Weisel Monday, 09 May 2016 17:13 posted by Regina Weisel

    I married a narcissist..uuuggg. WE opened a business together. I had to leave about 9 months into it and get my old job back (truck driving with a lot of men) for him to realize I don't need him and took his power away. Then shortly after I moved out. The problem, I didn't realize what I was dealing with then. Six weeks later he starts calling me. We get married 1.5 years later. All the while he is on good behavior. I am 49 now and I have never had confidence problems in the past, which is why I started googling his behavior, and this is where I am.
    I've never been so wrong about everything everyday. When I am indisputable right, he make sure to think me so he feels like he didn't give up his power. His arguments are all one sided and usually make me feel like and arguing with a nine year old girl. When someone does give me a compliment he is sure to steal my spotlight and turn the subject back to "all about him". Mothers day and my birthday might as well not exist, even though I help him raise his daughter for the past 6 years. yesterday was mothers day and he left while I was in the shower to avoid me all day. No way he was gonna give me the spotlight for a whole day.

  • Comment Link J.Emmett Monday, 09 May 2016 16:50 posted by J.Emmett

    I am married to a narcissist. It all started well (which is to be expected) and after 6 years of dating I made the mistake of moving in. My son and I were living in low-income housing and he has a house, my son turned 18 so we had to move. . . going there was a big mistake. It was like someone flipped a switch. First thing out of his mouth, on my first morning living with him was "What are you doing?" I just looked at him and said "I've got to pee, if that's alright!" and shoved him aside to use the bathroom. Sitting there I thought ohh s**t, what have I done. Unfortunately, I wasn't working and didn't have much choice other than living out of my car with my 18 year old son.

    It got worse. The abuse escalated. Sundays I was expected to cook for him, his kids, and his ex-wife, while they sat in the living room visiting, I had to serve the meal and do the dishes too. To ad insult to injury, he would (and still does) critique my cooking every chance he gets, and his ex-wife was a total b****h to me and let me know that I was invading her space. He would call me names, and threatened me regularly. Finally he decided we needed to get married. Since I still hadn't found regular work and had no place to go I very, very reluctantly went to the court house with him. Not long after that he threatened to chop me up and bury me in the backyard. He said it was a joke, I didn't find it funny.

    We fight every day, but one day it was so bad and bazaar that I decided to leave. He had been drinking and decided that he needed new pants. We went to Kohls and spent a miserable hour trying on pants. When we went to leave this woman in front of us, carrying 10 bags went out the door about 15 feet in front of us. When she didn't hold the door open for me (well duh, not her job) he started yelling crap at her. I told him to stop it, that she was fine. He went ballistic. Drove like a maniac home all the time yelling at me with spit flying out of his mouth and threatening to hit me (which he hadn't, but it was out there). We get home he jumps out of the truck and refused to talk to me the rest of the night. He is batpoop crazy! 3 days later I packed my car, changed my phone number and drove 2200 miles to my family's house. My son had enlisted months prior to this and already left for boot camp, luckily.

    When I did finally talk to him a week later, he was all kissy face and "oh, but I love you. We can go to counselling." You know, they always say the right thing. It took me 3 months to decide (why this was difficult, I'm not quite sure), but I did come back (not smart). I was scared to death to do it. It changed the dynamic of the relationship. I yelled at his ex-wife and told her "you are like a dog peeing on your territory, but hey honey, it aint your territory, so get the hell out." It cured that problem she is still afraid of me (yay!). If he tries to be abusive, I call him on it. And I will say that it has been somewhat better, but now 7 years later, it has come back. I tell him I feel like slave labor. I tell him "Don't bark orders at me" and if he calls me a name, I walk away.

    Here's the thing, he knows that he needs me more than I need him. He is handicapped and 71 year old at this point, and without me he will have to go in a home. I remind him of this. . .often, but he still seems to think that I am here for him, his property. I am an artist, and he claims to encourage me to work, but every time I start to work he interrupts me. I've still managed 4 solo shows since I came back, but it is 10x harder than it should have been. I would like to start an online business, but I'm so tired of babysitting him, it's difficult to have time to take a shower, let alone run a business. I've given up everything for this man, and for what? To be abused in return.

  • Comment Link Dianne Sunday, 08 May 2016 20:29 posted by Dianne

    I've been married to a Nacissist for 37yrs and been together 40yrs. Has it been hell ? Most of the time !!

  • Comment Link Jane Tuesday, 03 May 2016 04:55 posted by Jane

    Im with one. It hurts daily, but some days more than others. Today was one of those days. He has an obsession with thinking I'm doing something wrong. Today he hit my best friend(male) in the face. This is what happened...

    My best guy friend is single, trust me, not by choice. Hes had girls over the years but nothing solid. I would never do anything with him, nor am I the least bit attracted to him in anyway...its actually quite the opposite, but he is my FRIEND, and I love him for that. Or at least, he was.

    My husband has a problem with ALL of my friends, unless they were HIS friends first of course....but my male friends he especially doesn't like. Accuses me of sleeping with them, or lying to him to sneak off places... so a couple weeks ago he told the both of us he was not to come over unless he was home. He said its not right for a single man to be at home with his wife all day (mind you my sister lives with us, and we have a very intelligent 5 year old son who OBVIOUSLY sees and hears all). But as usual he wins, I try to give in to what he sees logical, and say okay.

    Today though, my friend asked for a ride to the store, he lives a block away from on eand could have walked but theyre a more expensive store so he asked me to help. I told my husband this when he got home and he starts going on about how he can walk, and blah blah...knowing damn good and well had it been his friend- he would have went....but I got so frustrated i said "FORGET IT" and didn't give him a ride, but he puffed up, said he was leaving and of course took our son with him. Slap in the face. Turn out he dropped our son at his best friends house so he could go to my friends house to punch him in the face.

    Later when he arrives home and im just now finding out about all of this, he tells me that I'm right, that it wasn't the guys fault and he shouldn't have punched him. Insinuating that it is MY fault that he went and punched him. So basically I lost another friend today.

    We have been together for 8 years, and we split for a few months about a year ago because i had a mental break down and couldnt take it anymore. Basically everything already said by someone else... didn't want me to work, didn't want me to go to school, did want me to have friends but when i had friends he asked like it was a "gift" to me, "i let you do this, i let you do that"...things that anyone in a normal, healthy relationship should be ABLE to do. He calls me names when hes angry, calls me a baby if im emotional, heaven forbid I be mad at him because IM in the wrong for that, forget what he did to make me mad because he DOES NO WRONG. He loves me...I know he does... he would die for me. His actions and emotions towards me do not show that though.

    Some days things are great. We will eat, play with our son, do something together, watch our favortie tv shows and stay up late laughing. This could even go on for days. Then that one bad day...or one irritating week....and BOOM....hes thowing things, slamming doors, saying "I don't care what you do" knowing damn good and well the second I do something he doesn't like I'll forever hear about it and be in the dog house for a month.

    He used to be a work-a-holic and want nothing but material things. The problem with that was if I wanted a had to be a car HE wanted me to have...not one that I wanted, for example.

    Since we split and got back together- which was some of the roughest months ive endured!- he is different now. He still has his moods...he still does...well..all of these things just not AS often. We have more good days now. he has decided he doesnt WANT to work. He wants to stay at home and "spend time with his family" and "live in the now" Doesn't EVERYONE? I wanted a job years ago because I wanted to contribute. I wanted to buy things, and wanted them to be things I wanted, not just him. I wanted to go places I enjoy, not just places he did. I wanted some freedom and he wasn't having it. Now....he wants me to work and him to stay home....but still wants me to come home everyday and clean something. When he worked hed get pissed if he had to do anything like that after work. Now he has a job again fianlly after 7 months of procrastinating and just plain and simple NOT DOING ANYTHING, he has a job. A job that isn't going to pay the bills. And he blames me for having to have the job because I want to go to school.

    Being with someone who is like this is psychologically draining and damaging.

    I constantly feel like ive done something wrong when he is in a bad mood, and when he wont tell me why hes in one, or insists that he isn't (when he CLEARLY is) I feel like its something ive done....knowing I havent done anything. Or at least anything any SANE person would be angry about. Then he starts saying things like "You must have a guilty conscious"

    I love him so much. I don't want to go through leaving him again. When i left i was constantly sick to my stomach thinking about him, I tried to void that out with others, or with things I just didn't work. I watched him downward spiral too. I watched the nasty women he spoke to and thought fit to bring around our son. While i sat back and didn't let a single person meet our son. I didn't even get into another relationship, he did. I can't go through this again. Can a therapist fix this? Will counseling work? Will ANYTHING work? Because at this point, I feel like I have two options

    Continue the relationship, void all friendships so no one else gets physically or mentally hurt, leave others out of my business as much as possible, and basically lock myself up.

    or get a job, save my money, try to balance that AND school, and when my son is old enough, try to leave.

    I don't like either option, because neither give me the life I want with him.


  • Comment Link MGP Monday, 02 May 2016 00:56 posted by MGP

    I've been married to a frightening narcissist for 10 years. He has gotten the better of me and I've hit him to make him stop more than once. I'm so depressed I'm nearly bedbound and because of that he's locked me up three times in as many years. He wants to do it again presently. I can barely function with him gaslighting me constantly. His rationale is "if you were more mentally stable and confident, you wouldn't let any of this bother you." I think about ending my life daily. I'm too scared to leave because of all the problems I've had. He'll take my children. He says he won't but I know he will. He challenges me to leave him by saying "go on leave if it's going to make you a decent person" and then "you'll be calling me crying in a week because you can't take care of anyone." He'll tell me he won't stand in the way of my custody but then will say he'll be dead before he lets them stay with me if I'm a..b..c. I know with everything in me he will find I'm guilty of "forcing his hand"in taking my children and the worst part is I know he'll get them. I swear he's driven me absolutely bananas. I was never violent toward my first husband ever. Just what do I do to get this old man (he's nearly 20 years older) to stop verbally and emotionally wrecking me? I was so desperate that I'd lash out with violence. He loved that. He loved it when I lost control. I always get treated like a Queen after I lose it. It's so sick. I've gotten to the point where I've finally told myself that all this obsessing about getting him to truly care for me is fruitless. It will never happen. I'm ready to go. But as you may have guessed, I have no job and was never allowed to finish my education. Well I was allowed to but told that I'd get raped, something I fear more than anything because I've been raped. How do I even begin to convince a court that despite my loss of control at times I am not the abuser?

  • Comment Link Skip Sunday, 01 May 2016 00:41 posted by Skip

    I lived with a narcissist. I finally went to court to have her removed from my house. This article has really put what was happening to me in perspective for me. I'm getting help through a 12 step program called Co-Dependents Anonymous. It's called CODA for short. Look for a CODA meeting in your area. Trust me, I'm a man, and this program has helped more than I could imagine. Good luck to all of you.

  • Comment Link Tania Friday, 29 April 2016 11:23 posted by Tania

    I married a narcissist. He was all sweet and loving in the beginning. Things were so great. I thought I finally found my soul mate who could connect with me on every level. We decided to get married our 3rd year together. Had the most magical wedding. Everything felt so right. After our honeymoon we decided to put an offer on a house because we thought things couldn't get any better... I had no idea what wild ride I would be getting into. He started showing his true colours. Buying lots of junk from garage sales, 2 cars for himself and other things we don't need. I had a bad fall on my way to work because he left objects lying around everywhere in the driveway. We start getting into arguments because I'm not happy with his stupid ideas or his anger. He starts drinking everyday and leaving empty bottles around the background. He starts being sneaky, staying up all night smoking pot and checking on me every hour. He got fired from his job because he broke someone's jaw. He verbally abused my mother. She finally saw his true colours. The way he speaks has changed. He almost killed himself because he thought I was leaving him. I was only escaping because he scared me so much! I had to stay at my mums for three days just to get away from the madness. He stopped smoking weed and drinking heavily. I still don't feel good around him. He keeps trying to prove himself then push me away. Blaming me for things. Getting very angry over nothing. I keep telling myself I will leave him but there is always hope that he will change back. There is a baby in the way too so I just have to think what would be best for my child.

  • Comment Link Susiedances Wednesday, 27 April 2016 03:30 posted by Susiedances

    To Sciencegirl,
    I am dealing with the exact same thing! Hang in there.

  • Comment Link jerri Tuesday, 26 April 2016 14:30 posted by jerri

    Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years. 8 of those he had been incarcerated. He'll be released in 3 months. This past weekend something had been revealed to me that that I've been searching for. I've been trying to figure him out for years cause something about him just doesn't seem right. He's intelligent and and charming. To make a long story short what I have been studying lead me to "narcissism". He's pretty slick and convincing. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun of a good thing our follow my gut instincts and run. But what's got me is we read and study the bible during visits. And he seems to know the bible well. If I'm on to something he tells me "it's Satan trying to break us up". I think I really need help.

  • Comment Link ScienceGirl Monday, 25 April 2016 03:03 posted by ScienceGirl

    When I first met my husband, he was charming, sweet, and loved to be around me and talk to me constantly. As soon as I moved in with him, things started to change. He started becoming extremely moody, coming home from work every single day acting just completely miserable, and snapping at me for everything I said and did. Berating me for sitting and watching TV instead of cleaning, getting pissed off if dinner wasn't ready (or, conversely, getting pissed off if dinner was ready too early; he needs time to relax after work!). I started dreading him coming home from work because no matter what I did, it was (and still is to this day) basically guaranteed that he would be grumpy and lash out at me in some way.

    At the time, I was unhappy with my job, so he actually encouraged me to go back to school to get my Master's. It was really great, and I thought he was actually being supportive. That didn't last long. My being in school now is the number one thing we currently fight about. He uses it against me pretty much constantly. At first, he was mad because I spent too much time studying and doing homework, and not enough time catering to his every need and desire. Now, he berates me for not doing enough school work to graduate early. Although he has never gone to University and doesn't understand how a thesis works, he is always telling me how I'm doing everything wrong, and I'm so far behind everyone else in my program. He thinks I want to try to be in school as long as possible, just to punish him somehow. He is constantly berating me about how little money I make, and how he has to support me financially while I'm in school (I have a full-ride scholarship, work part time, and pay all my own bills). I've basically realized that the only reason he "allowed" me to go back to school was that so everyone outside our relationship would compliment him and praise him for being so supportive of me.

    Although I am extremely busy, he pretty much constantly puts me down and calls me lazy. He makes 'hilarious jokes' about how I sit around at home all day doing nothing, and when I get upset about them, it is somehow my fault for not finding these 'jokes' funny. I can't even count the number of times I've told him that his criticisms, disguised as jokes, are hurtful to me, and I don't appreciate them. He turns this around on me by saying "why did you even marry me then, if you hate my sense of humour?". I can never win.

    He gets mad or frustrated with me for seemingly everything I do or say, even the smallest and most ridiculous things. For example, if I try to hand him something, but accidentally drop it while trying to hand it to him, he becomes instantly exasperated, and will say something like "What the f*** are you doing!?". If I don't understand something he's saying, he will become so condescending and talk to me like I'm stupid. Every single problem in our relationship is always my fault, period. The mental gymnastics he does to assign blame to me is sometimes astounding.

    I am expected to do everything for him, and everything around the house. I am not really a wife, I am a slave and his surrogate mother. I make his lunch everyday, and dinner pretty much every day. I have to do all the cleaning and housework. If I ask him to do something like wipe down the table, he will complain that I am being unfair. At the same time, if I am busy cleaning the house while he sits on his butt playing video games, he doesn't like that either because it "makes him feel guilty".

    He is hyper-critical of me, and extremely controlling. I'm not "allowed" to eat junk food, or buy myself a lunch without his permission. I'm not allowed to hang out with our friends without him, unless I explicitly have his permission in advance. I'm not allowed to have a beer after a rough day at school/work unless he has one too. He's constantly telling me that I need to start going to the gym and eating healthier, but then pressures me into eating badly with him whenever he feels like it. If I choose not to eat badly with him during one of these times, I'm again "making him feel guilty". I've found myself lying and sneaking around about the stupidest things (like buying myself something for lunch) just to avoid confrontation.

    Despite the fact that he treats me like dirt, and comes home grumpy and miserable every day, God help me if I'm not beside myself with happiness and good cheer every time I see him. If I ever happen to be in a bad mood, that is unacceptable, and I am being "mean" and "cruel". For example, I came home early from work the other day because I was feeling sick. Despite feeling unwell, I still made a nice dinner for the two of us. While I was cooking, he began antagonizing me for being "a slob" and not caring about our house looking nice (although he is a giant slob who never lifts a finger to do anything housework related). I basically told him I wasn't feeling well, was in a bad mood, and that I didn't appreciate what he was saying. He then told me I was "being mean", and to "F*** Off". He then didn't speak to me for about a week. That was about a week and a half ago, and he still is barely speaking to me.

    This article was really helpful. Reading back on what I wrote, my relationship seems pretty dire. I don't have the strength to leave; my confidence is at an all time low, and I am beginning to enter a full-blown depression. I often wish I could just die to avoid having to deal with this. Hopefully I can find the strength I need to get help and deal with this situation properly.

  • Comment Link zanna Monday, 18 April 2016 18:15 posted by zanna

    After 26 years of being together my husband sent me an sms and walked out with no regrets no respect after living with his lieing, screaming n shouting and cheating ... he now is vindictive and making our divorce absolute hell even though he wanted this. Is he a narcissist?

  • Comment Link Karleamey Thursday, 14 April 2016 02:03 posted by Karleamey

    OMG. Living with a narccisistic spouse has absolutely destroyed my life. My husband is an extreme narccisst. I have to deal with his character assassinations every couple of days. He thinks he walks on water. He constantly corrects my grammar. I've asked him a 1000 times to stop doing that, and he denies it. He. Lies about anything. Even the smallest most obvious things. He insults me constantly. I'm a professional, very skilled woman, I make almost $200k a year, have made it from a very difficult upbringing and childhood to a very successful career. This man I'm with learns about any weakness I have so he can use it against me. He calls me every name in the book. I can't even count how many times I've been called a cunt. After years of this, I found ways to control him and keep him in a very small cage. But I'm exhausted. I need to leave so I can have a chance at real happiness, and it's not easy to leave someone like this. He can get scary. Threatens me or people I'm with. He breaks into every personal thing I have. Stalks me. Tracks me. And I've had to be smarter than him. These people are freakin monsters. They are all around too. At work. In cars. At the gym. At the end of the day you just have to arm yourself to. Not become their victim. They prey on weak people. That don't have strong family network. He successfully isolated me from everyone. He is indignant if he doesn't get his way. It's his preferences in food, music, activities. Everything or he's a major dick. He's so arrogant and I feel bad for me and anyone stuck in this nightmare.

  • Comment Link Cantosix Sunday, 10 April 2016 17:24 posted by Cantosix

    It IS possible to live with a narcissist. DH has NPD, which I knew before I married him 13 years ago. Boy did I have to toughen up - getting used to being called fat to my face (I'm a slender UK size 8), being put down in public, being criticised left right and chelsea, was something that took me several years to get the hang of. But we’ve got to a stage where we can laugh about his narcissism, and I just roll my eyes when he tries his control tactics on me. The fact that I stand up to him actually makes him like me more, so we work on that. The thing about narcissists is that whilst they do explode when you criticise them, they take everything to heart and will make subtle changes afterwards (usually) because essentially they want to be adored by you. If you understand the narcissist, you can prevent them from crushing you. It’s an exhausting journey though: good luck to everyone else going through it.

  • Comment Link Mammafighter Wednesday, 06 April 2016 19:04 posted by Mammafighter

    I live with my fiancé and his daughter. They are both narcissists. I should have figured this out a long time ago. I would often tell myself that after they were away from the evil wife they would heal and behaviors would level off and be more morally sound. There has been countless lies, thefts, fights, etc. that I thought would start to taper off. They have both used their beliefs that they are entitled to everything to drive away my children from me. His daughter took things from my daughter and didn't just take them but destroyed them. Cut up clothes. Broke jewelry. Destroyed makeup. She has has done the same thing with my belongings as well. She even stole from a friend and her dad helped her keep hold of the lie. My fiancé had a restraining order made against him for upholding the lie in a public forum. They both have to have "The best of the batch". It's scary when they have outbursts at each other but I'm also relieved because it's not at me.
    My kids only want to be around when they aren't. (I don't blame them)Which is difficult when we are down to one car. Now I feel like it's been deliberate. I have let it go on so long I feel there is no way out. I have lost my children. My house. My job. My independence. My car. Thousands of dollars. And almost my life a couple of times.
    I have so much respect for the men and women who have survived these narcissistic partners for so many years. After the first two I tried to kill myself.
    Even after surviving cancer and so many stressful situations together it's hard to believe he can still exhibit every single narcissistic behavior towards me. I feel like I've earned at least a little respect.
    After reading all of this I realize he can't. He just can't take himself out of any situation and think about only another person. Unless of course he's going to get publicly credited for it.
    I feel so bad wanting to leave because his daughter is only 13 and she can be helped. This behavior is all she has known from both parents. Luckily, his other children were vastly influenced by his parents and have turned out great. Of course my fiancé takes full credit for their success. All the while saying that the youngest is just like her mother.
    I don't think he can be helped because there is absolutely no way he'd ever admit he needs help. Or that he's the problem. I guess all I can do is keep praying for them. And in the meantime try to get myself back. I know now that I can pick myself up with no shame and try to rebuild my life. If in the meantime he gets help, GREAT!!! If not I'm gonna have to realize it's not my responsibility.
    Oh the guilt

  • Comment Link bee Tuesday, 05 April 2016 04:50 posted by bee

    I'm in a lesbian relationship and my partner is a complete narcissist. When we broke up, I raised this as one of the issues and she didn't take it well. We are back together now (she asked for me back), but now I am realizing things. I'm not as madly in love as before and I see how she really is. As much as I want to love and accept her and I am still trying, it is so hard on me because I am a very sensitive person (emotionally). I am not as affected as before with her actions, but I just want to know if this kind of relationship is worth it or not...

  • Comment Link DS Monday, 04 April 2016 19:29 posted by DS

    This article really helped me! I am married to a somewhat narcissistic man. He is very charming and very good at being a man. Most of the time our relationship is great and we get along really well. However the things mentioned in this article, like gaslighting and using anger to control me are very prominent. I have been using most of the techniques that are mentioned here. Another coping strategy I have is to point out how narcissistic his behaviors and statements are. He is smart like me, and if I do it with a bit of humor, he laughs about it and makes fun of himself. If I am not careful though, and I say it to bluntly, he thinks I am disrespecting him. That used to be a BIG deal, that he felt "disrespected." That is until one day I joked with him, "Aw, does little narcissistic baby feel disrespected? Guess I cracked an egg shell! I gotta keep walking on my tippy-toes!" And now, although he still says it, his power from it is much less. He also gained a little perspective, and can laugh a little more at himself.

  • Comment Link dee Wednesday, 30 March 2016 12:18 posted by dee

    I am currently married to one and looking for a healthy safe way out. I have been cheated on, verbally abused, he is an alcoholic and when he drinks and swears he blames me ...even for his cheating.
    i am appreciative for any information on how to get my life back. I have been a stay home mom for 25 years and even that he puts me down for saying what do i do all day and that i should be out working...i told him i do work but my employer doesn't pay me.(lol trying to keep a good attitude but my soul is very lonely for someone who appreciates me)

  • Comment Link Lorraine Harding Wednesday, 30 March 2016 11:11 posted by Lorraine Harding

    I am an only child and had a narcissistic father - boy can you imagine what that was like. We emigrated from Wales to Australia when I was 8 - why? Because he had a fight with his father and out of spite, took the only beloved granddaughter away.

    After my mother died of cancer (62 years old - non smoker or drinker) just got worse.

    I have not seen him in 10 years now and that was the best think I could have done. I no longer have to be subjected to the emotional abuse that I was exposed to for many years.

    You will never learn, never grow....and certainly never be happy with a narcissist in your life. Be brave and get out of the situation - no matter how hard - because people like this never change and you are just a pawn in their game....and sadly, that is the truth xxx

  • Comment Link Starmin Sunday, 27 March 2016 07:02 posted by Starmin

    Only now i realized that my hisband is narcistic. We are married for 5 years and have 2 kids (one mine from prevous realtions). Only now it hit me how bad is my situation with him. I read your advises that its better run away while its not too late. Seems sometimes he is working hard to be good husbant, but sometimes he is a beast. Ofcourse it is hard to make a decision of divorcing. Is there any good stories where you manage to live with such a person a happy life not only sufer?

  • Comment Link anita Saturday, 26 March 2016 17:48 posted by anita

    Wow, it is as baby as I thought

  • Comment Link stressedoutgirl Friday, 25 March 2016 23:04 posted by stressedoutgirl

    For a few years now, I've been trying to figure out, what in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!?!?!?!?!?! what is my boyfriends deal? we were of course just fine in beginning! I have always always considered myself a confident person, even now. its not that he's tore me down, he is just an obnoxious n I mean OBNOXIOUS person to even be around! he falls into every point that the standard textbook narcissist would fall into.
    1. very rude, talks to me like I am the stupidest person that hit earth. makes any comment he can to make himself seem important, makes claim that he is the smartest person in the room and fully believes it! all my ideas are crap! if I have something to say that's important, I'm put down n he will correct me, look at me like I'm stupid, tell me whatever it is I said is not right, and give me the correct snotty version of his that is correct. any two way conversation is (well if in think about it there are no two way conversations. he talks absolute trash about everyone! he has this huge thing about honesty, which is good but he is a tyrant about it! he is so honest that its brutal honesty. he talks so rude to me, call me stupid and dumb in front of my young children. there is no affection AT ALL!!! he has this cat he's had for 14 years. he kisses on her, plays with her rubs on her literally wisperrs sweet nothings in her ear. at night, when we lay down, he turns his back to me, calls the cat, loves n kisses on her n doesn't even tell me goodnight! I'm an afterthought! and to make matters worse, I'm 33, in my prime n havnt had sex in over a year! I'm miserable, n he is such a snob!!! thanx 4 letting me vent! sorry it was so long

  • Comment Link S Friday, 18 March 2016 11:50 posted by S

    I'm married 19 years to a narcissist. I always thought he had problems. I called it bipolar, I called it broader line personality, but in truth he's just a narcissist. Anytime I tried to do something for myself, I got shot down. I was criticized for not bringing money into the household, which is not true, I've been self employed for years, yet any time I mentioned I would get a regular job, he gave me ten reasons why it wasn't a good idea! Every idea I have is shot down. We go out only when he wants, we do everything he wants. This is how I coped with him. I just went along. On my own time, I did what I wanted, but our time together is always about what he wants or forget it. He will make you pay! Many times I made suggestions of what to do and if he goes along, he will make it obvious he didn't want to do it. He would cop an attitude, or just be sullen and quite.
    Let's not talk about sex either. I haven't had that for years. I'm an attractive, intelligent person on my own, but living with a narcissist has worn me down to a nib. My advice, if your CO is one, RUN RUN RUN away. Living homeless on a street is better than having every single dream or idea, or desire smashed by this person. I am a very strong person, but I'm stuck now because I'm 60 and I don't have the energy any more to do anything about it. I just learned how to duck every time he opens his mouth. Glad I read this article. It opened my eyes.

  • Comment Link European girl Sunday, 13 March 2016 06:49 posted by European girl

    Great article. I am in a relationship with my boyfriend since last March. At the beginning he treated me like queen, and I lately realized that he is narcissistic. It is all about him. Always. His behavior started to change a few months ago, lately I feel like I am walking on eggshells every time when I am with him. I better not even open my mouth because everything I say can annoy or offend him. I lost my confidence and cannot be myself. It is time to leave.

  • Comment Link Angellina Sunday, 13 March 2016 00:40 posted by Angellina

    It's only taken me 6 years to leave!! But, I did it......and I can't tell you how much better I feel already. Nobody is worth giving your all to if they don't value you.
    I gave up my house to move in with him, I allowed him to get rid of my possessions because his were better, I let him sell my car because he wanted me to have a better one, I left my job because he wanted me to work for him, because his business was better and I could earn more....... I had savings, he wanted me to invest In another venture to earn more- I refused and the abuse I got was awful. Bit by bit he removed everything I fell in love with, this was my fault because I made him like that. No matter the hoops I jumped through it was never enough, I always did something to displease him.
    I would liken him to a spiteful 8 year old child...... One which shows no empathy or remorse or understanding/tolerance of others. How can anyone live with this?
    I left 3 weeks ago, my savings bought me my house. I bought the car off him a couple of years ago when he was in a rage about me still having savings in my own name. I still work for him but hopefully....eventually I can leave there too and truly be free.
    We are all special in our own way and we have flaws. I don't think anyone should or could put up with that sort of abuse no matter how strong they are. Why would you want to? If anyone says for love- I would like to question their sanity because who is loving them in all this? To love a narcissist is to deny yourself the love you deserve and can find if you get rid of the a hole you are wasting your time on:)

  • Comment Link Kris Saturday, 12 March 2016 23:20 posted by Kris

    Omg. Reading this article and the following comments brings tears to my eyes. This is my husband lock stock and barrel. I hide and cry so often because if he saw me he would ridicule me for it. In the beginning he was so charming and sweet. After we got together he flipped the switch and he became overbearing, selfish, jealous, and mean. It confused and shocked me constantly. There have been so many times that I have come away from an argument feeling so crazy and out of sorts. It's kind of sad but nice at the same time to find I'm not alone in dealing with someone like this.

  • Comment Link Shirley Sunday, 06 March 2016 04:09 posted by Shirley

    Does a narcissist also have jealousy issues? Jealous of my friends, my work, my family.

  • Comment Link Denise Saturday, 05 March 2016 00:04 posted by Denise

    Mean. They're just mean people. They put gradiose expectations on everyone else except themselves. And the second those expectations aren't met, that meanness comes out in one way or another. I just found this forum. Been married to him for 30 years, God help me- I know I'm getting a gold star for putting up with him this long.

  • Comment Link Ann Calloway Friday, 04 March 2016 07:11 posted by Ann Calloway

    Living with someone with this disrder is brutal. I know I am dealing with it now. I tell myself everyday that I am not the problem.

  • Comment Link Phil Sunday, 28 February 2016 17:04 posted by Phil

    I got married 9 months. Up until that point everything was OK, sure he would pick a fight or be overbearing and controlling sometimes but he was like that when we first met and was raised by a mother who was like it so I was ok with it. Then a few months later he got promoted and things changed. Everything is my fault, when we're late it's my fault, when the meat had gone off it was my fault, even the dogs get the blame. It's practically every single day. He'll be like it for a few days and then he's his old self for a day. I have done and still continue to walk away when he's shouting at me which he hates and then leave him to it, but sometimes I can't (if we're in the car etc) and endure his shouting (we were on a 6hr drive to see my sick grandma and shouted at me most of that drive, no mater how much I stayed quiet, or soothed, it didn't stop until I fought back, then he played the victim card and told me he was going out of his way for me to take me to my grans, how much he does me, how selfish I am, you get the picture), this also happens a lot lately. The other day he got so bad I started crying, I couldn't take it anymore and broke down, to which he shouted (and I'm editing out the swearing) "go on then cry, cry, make me feel guilty then, cry as much as you want, you always do this". When I pointed out how nasty he had been he immediately stopped and started cracking jokes trying to make me laugh (very confusing). I'm often told he's the victim and that I tell him it's always him (sometimes I point out it was him if it genuinely was, but that didn't get me anywhere so I stopped). He drives me to work at the weekends and insists on it because "it gives us more time together" (I don't drive), one day I put my foot down and said I wanted to make my own way to work to which he accused me of meeting someone! Now he insists on driving me to work if I'm on a weekend and tells me "it's not up for discussion". He so controlling. Last night I went out for dinner with my friends, he drove me there (I was running late), and picked me up (after insisting). When we got home at 11pm he asked me to cook him a snack, to which he said "I've ferried you around tonight it's the least you can do", I just wanted to go to bed, I was exhausted, I'm working overtime to cover staff sickness so got told I was selfish. So then made him something to eat. He makes a big deal out of things that don't exist or matter, and then get told it's me. He often tells me I'm too nice and too good for him. I have waited for him to calm before talking which goes well but then he uses it against me later on. It baffles me how he can switch it off and on so quick (the temper). I've stopped talking so he can't use it against me, if he tells me he's having a bad day in work instead of being supportive I've become frightened and worry about him coming home. I'll continue walking away and leaving him to it and will try my best to not argue back (when I don't say anything he becomes antagonising). The other thing I've noticed is that he becomes a child if he doesn't get his own way and often tells me I'm being difficult when I'm being logical (for example buying something expensive when we haven't got the money), and then later tells me he's done it for me, or says it's what I wanted, and "how generous have I been to you".
    The other thing that's been happening is a new person has started work who he has taken a shining to (he's his boss), he didn't tell me anything about him as he thought I would worry (which isn't the case), and then started going out of his way to take him to work and back home adding 30minutes on to his journey each way. He didn't tell me for two weeks that he was doing this, and when I pointed that out he lied and said he had, he was that convincing I doubted myself! I have no idea how much longer I can go on like this. When he is being himself, he's a really nice and considerate person, funny, loving etc. Sorry I've written a lot, there's a lot I've been bottling up for 4yrs now :(

  • Comment Link Paul S Thursday, 25 February 2016 15:46 posted by Paul S

    This article really encouraged me a lot, thanks... One thing I would like to point out is that sometimes the narcissist is a woman, and the effects are just as damaging, psychological violence is not just a woman's issue, emotional abuse has nothing to do with physical prowess or gender, there are many great men out there who have been psychologically victimized by angry narcissistic women as well. Thank you for this great article, as a male victim who is recovering from a horribly emotionally damaging relationship, your insight is very encouraging.

  • Comment Link Robin Sunday, 14 February 2016 20:22 posted by Robin

    I am in a narcissistic relationship the first few years were great these last few have been horrible. Not only does he attack me verbally but now he is picking on my son from a previous marriage. He has taken me to the point of i would rather commit suicide than receive any more abuse its honestly no wonder ever other person he has been with had either a drug or alcohol problem. But this gets worse i have been waiting for him to finish my car for three years i feel this is deliberate so i have to be where he needs me in his head to be. We have multiple vehicles but only one on the road so if i need to be somewhere he HAS to be there too or if i go to the store or to the farm and i am not back at his designated time i feel his wrath. I have tried to ignore his bs comments and have had him physically attack me because i either walked away or tried to defend my own honor. He can never be wrong!!! I am no good have never lifted a finger to help him out, I'm a parasite( because i took the year to do my own work to be closer to my dying father. ) i have been waiting for my parents rental unit to open up so i can get the hell out. I do love him i feel bad but i just can no longer take the abuse

  • Comment Link Wifey C Thursday, 11 February 2016 19:48 posted by Wifey C

    I have been married to a very charming, handsome, man for almost 6 years. I have always been told; "Aren't you so lucky to have a guy like him." He is helpful and always goes the extra mile for those around him. Before we were married he couldn't get enough of me. He always asked me about my day and, since I am a teacher, always wanted to know all of my students by name and would always help out at school. After we were married all of this behavior came to a screeching halt. When I would ask him to help me at work the attitude was along the lines of "My time is valuable, I can't just come around for every little thing you need." I now ask co workers or custodians for the help I need. I used to call him to tell him I was thinking of him. Now, as his wife, I have to have a really good excuse to interrupt his day. He is a very smart narcissist. He doesn't act this way all the time. He always talks about me in adoration to his friends and acquaintences, still to this day. He is always doing things for me. Keeping my water bottle always full, makes me breakfast, etc. He is a do-er always working for us. Souds great, right? Well whenever I bring up something that bothers me he brings up everything he does for me. How I am so lucky to have him. Mistakes don't happen on his part. I am not allowed to bring them up because I am ungrateful if I do. Hopefully I have painted an appropriate picture. All in all I have been in a fog for the past 5+ years because I have internalized the fact that he is so great and I do very little, I am nothing compared to him. I have lost so much of my previous confidence or "Mojo" I am no longer the clear headed passionate teacher I used to be because I have been so wrapped up in the fact that I am nothing, not important with no value. A shell of who I used to be. The abuse is subtle, he points out little mistakes I make in passing. For example "Oh that oil you used stained the counter." ~Sucking his teeth. Or "Oh, you didn't make the bottle for the baby in advance now he is too hungry to wait." LITTLE things several times a day. This is how he breaks me down. He also points out the little things he does, positive things, for us several times a day. However, on the other hand, when he knows that I am low, he will compliment me. Very nicely too. I do believe he loves me, I do believe he is a good person. I just refuse to be the victim anymore. I am trying new things, walking away, mirroring, etc. Perhaps all in vein.. I want there to be hope for our marriage. I don't want to abandon him for who he is. Now that I know what narcissism is, I think it is very common! Are we all just supposed to walk away from someone because they have a mental illness? I want answers for how to live with a narcissist and protect ourselves and our children from the negative aspects. I believe there is a good man under there. Oh, I feel like I need to add, his mother is a huge narcissist. I think He has learned most of her bad behaviors.

  • Comment Link Susie Wednesday, 03 February 2016 22:37 posted by Susie

    HA ! The nice guy down the street is probably a narcissist.

    just develope yourself. Make him dependent on you
    For something. Put dog poop on the bottom of his shoes when he goes out.

    Third wife

  • Comment Link DeeMaskUm Wednesday, 03 February 2016 00:30 posted by DeeMaskUm

    20 plus years ago:
    Loving, kind, shoulder to cry on, flowers, promises of a great family life, respect, consideration, trust, heart to heart discussions, flowers, love letters:
    18 years ago.. Married now:
    Selfish, blaming, lying, inconsiderate, still a few flowers, heart to heart much less, shoulder is cold as he does not want to hear any problems of any sort anymore, all housework is mine & I full time job, has less patience with teen age step daughter, quick to find fault, critical of my every decision, spends his money & mine carelessly.
    15 years ago..5 yrs married:
    Porn addiction, pathological lying, screams, yells, breaks things, in debt, tells family & friends horrible lies behind my back, a few tell me, he denied ALL & cuts his family off. Starts fights with my now grown child, then demands I take his side, I refuse so he goes into rages, tells me repeatly & often how he'll purposely ruin my daughters life & mine as well.
    I can no longer make life decisions, feel ill often, have isolated as he is also using drugs openly & I am a health care professional. Threats to embarrass me in front of co-workers, threats to have me committed for mentally ill, laughs how embarrassed I will be at the hospital I work many incidents so I'll not list all..would take a huge book.
    I develop serious illnesses by my 40's,
    No empapthy ever given, I con't working as work IS my escape. He job jumps as he cannot get a long with "stupid managers"!
    Fast Forward to Currently:
    Still with him.
    He is totally about himself, all money is his money, he thinks in "I" terms.
    I am now diasabled for several years.
    He does not yell as much.
    No, he ignores me mostly.
    Does not say much to my daughter or grands.
    Seems aggravated and often says that when they visit.
    No flowers for years, not even after multiple surgeries.
    No Birthday or Christmas presents.
    He always buys himself a nice toy around Christmas.
    He gets tempermental if my disabilities inconvience him.
    My eyes are wide open for a long time.
    We sort of live like roommates, and he is a messy, lazy, passive- aggressive one!
    Should have left about 2 yrs into it!
    There were red flags.
    Like most once the MASK the Narc wears came off, I felt weakened & least in the home.
    I am more educated, an over achiever, respect by many...
    I look back these days and can see it all clearly.
    Narc are so slick, so very manipulative & tricky.
    They do seek out the best!
    They try to build them selves up by tearing us down.
    They are excellent at doing just that.
    They are family splitters, the one area my Narc has not won at.. With me & mine.
    Thankful I have real family & a best friend & faith in God.
    I feel someday, I'll be free again.
    They take prisoners not partners!

  • Comment Link Adrienne Monday, 01 February 2016 04:14 posted by Adrienne

    Almost 32 years with the man. The last 3 separated but friends (sort of) at least there wasn't the tension and arguments. When I look back, what I remember most are the arguments, tears, and ruined days. I used to think: How many days does he get to ruin in my life? How long am I going to let this go on? Enough is enough. Our youngest turned 18 two months ago, and Hope died. I realized there was just nothing left. I used to think: Why can't we get along? Why can't we be happy? Why the roller coaster ride? Why did he have to ruin every good thing? Now I know why. What a relief!

  • Comment Link Ron Thursday, 28 January 2016 09:48 posted by Ron

    Believe it or not ladies women can be narcissistic too. My wife fits this article to a capitol "T". I am so glad that i have found these tools because now I know and understand what i can do to counteract her tactics. I greatly emphasize with you all.

  • Comment Link Wife Me Friday, 22 January 2016 05:54 posted by Wife Me

    I am a victim of being married for 14 years 1/19 to a narcissist husband 15 years my junior and i need help to get out we have three young children

  • Comment Link Tania Tuesday, 19 January 2016 14:12 posted by Tania

    It is very hard to realize the man you love is all of this...
    I feel trapped, depending financially on him, my son join me in Germany after 4 years apart, we are not even in our home land and no option to go back...
    I feel lost and I can't accept living with this thing. I try to see the best but is so hard everything he puts me thru and hiding it from my son is much harder
    I wish to know a way to survive to all this till I can find a solution for me and my son...

  • Comment Link Karen Monday, 18 January 2016 08:42 posted by Karen

    Having been married to a narc for 36 years my advice is "get out while you can!" I stayed with him when I was young because I believed divorce was wrong, because I was shy and working was scary for me, then for economic security for myself and my kids. Now at age 57 I have a chronic disease and am unable to provide for myself, so I'm stuck. So I say to anyone reading this, GET OUT! If you recognize narc symptoms in a lover, run away while you still have ability to control your own life, decisions, finances etc. It might be scary, people may disapprove and you will be alone, but things have to get better with time. A very important thing is to have some money of your own. Save change and extra dollars, and hide it somewhere. Yes, you're lying, but your life and mental health might depend on it if you need to flee. If you make the decision to leave, go to your bank and withdraw half to two thirds of any funds in joint accounts, open your own accounts and make sure your pay gets re-routed to your new personal account. This may feel so wrong to you, and you'll feel guilty. BUT, you have the right to take care of yourself and to be safe. Please, Dear One, don't make the mistakes I did!

  • Comment Link Salomie Sunday, 17 January 2016 07:52 posted by Salomie

    My narcissistic husband has had so many affairs and bragged to me about them. He sent me on a trip to Hawaii then sneaked behind my back and convinced my therapist I was the problem then bragged that he could influence any therapist I see that I was the problem. He turned my son against me and ruined my daughter's perception of men. Both of my children refuse to marry and have discovered the truth about their father. I tried to make him into a great husband for their sake I later learned my daughter was angry because I did not stand up for myself. Both of our children are adults now. They see their father as a manipulative scoundrel but still love him. At least he is always there to support them. I am planning to have him served with divorce papers on his birthday. I have finally garnered the strength to get away from this toxic man. The ironic thing is..he appears terrified of losing me! He is very helpful to friends in our congregation and they think he is so devoted to me. His mother psychologically seduced him into being a mama's boy and being responsible for her and his siblings.

  • Comment Link Salome Johnson Sunday, 17 January 2016 07:33 posted by Salome Johnson

    My narcissistic husband has had so many affairs and told me about them. He sneaks behind my back and sees my therapusts.. He turned my son again st me and ruined my daughter's perception of meb. Both of my children refuse to marry and have discovered the truth about their father. I tried to make him into a great husband for their sake I later learned my daughter was angry because U did not stand up for myself. Both of our children are adults now. They see their father as a manipulative scoundrel but still love him. I am planning to have him served with divorce papers on his birthdsy. I have finally garner the strength to get away from this toxic man.

  • Comment Link Patti Sunday, 10 January 2016 19:26 posted by Patti

    I just recently discovered that my husband has been in a very long relationship all the years we've been together. He treats me with such disdain. I don't know why I let him do whatever he wants to do.

  • Comment Link Shell of a woman Sunday, 10 January 2016 13:43 posted by Shell of a woman

    When I met my boyfriend we were both heavy drinkers, we didn't have a honeymoon phase of charm and love and warm fuzzy feelings. I'm not sure how I ended up in a long term relationship with this person as he has made me feel worthless since day two.
    I read this article with hope that I have the tools necessary to protect myself...but I'm not sure what to do with these tools. I'm laying in my bed, wide awake to write this because I'm afraid to let him know I'm awake...he's been pissed at me all morning because he overslept.
    I've left, I've tried to leave more times than I can count but always I get manipulated into feeling bad for him and stay. I've never been good to him, I've never kept the house clean enough, my cooking sucks, I don't get his laundry clean enough, my laugh is annoying, my voice is grating, I always tell boring stories, my clothes are either frumpy or too slutty. The one that really upsets me though...when I'm apologizing for all those shitty things I do or don't apology pisses him off even more. Often the argument becomes could I try sounding sincere, try not crying so much it makes my apology seem weak, or he just doesn't want to hear it.
    I'm not married, we don't have kids (12 years we are together, but he reminds me all the time "this is why I won't marry you")...I'm not convinced he is a true narcissist (maybe just a miserable person), the things he yells at me for are legitimate bad habits of mine. He does have empathy...just not for his family or me.
    Too try so hard to please someone who has nothing but sustain for you is demoralizing. Maybe I'm the one who is sick?

  • Comment Link Veeoohh Sunday, 10 January 2016 06:41 posted by Veeoohh

    Wow just wow
    Hes textbook ....

  • Comment Link Becky Saturday, 09 January 2016 11:12 posted by Becky

    It's amazing to me how good the lies, manipulation, deflections, and control really is with my husband. He is the king of liars, and he is always the victim of his poor behavior.
    I have spent so much time putting myself down and feeling unworthy, that it has been extremely self destructive. I'm sure that is what he wants, but reading this has helped me.
    I now truly realise that he attached himself to me because I AM TOP SHELF! I am brilliant, loving, giving, honest, trustworthy, and I am good enough. I am not stupid, I didn't miss the signs, he is just that sick that he waited until we got married and then ripped the mask off.
    It is a reflection of him, not me. You know what? I am going to make it and be okay.

  • Comment Link Ness Thursday, 07 January 2016 05:31 posted by Ness

    We are living a nightmare. This is it isn't it? There's no helping these people. Afterall, it's not THEM that has a problem!! My story is similar to everyone elses. Long term relationship, without marriage, kid, and years of being made to feel like garbage! I can't believe it. He's been talking or seeking girls to talk to on the net, aka boost his ego from what I've read, and I'm just sickened by it! There was NO reason for it. I never let him go long without attention but if we go a week and a half...I never pay attention to him;-) these people have been dragging us all down long enough and lord help us be strong enough to go!!! If there are any success stories, support groups, please share them! Thank you:-(

  • Comment Link Bebe Thursday, 07 January 2016 04:32 posted by Bebe

    I have also waken up to the fact that I have been living a nightmare called narcissism via my "hubby." 7 years in fact. I've been researching it for days now after an article on MSN called "21 signs you or your boss is a narcissist." He had 20 out of 21. Two days before this article smacked me in the face, I found out that he's been seeking outside attention. I feel like such an idiot!! The outlook for these people seems horrible. So our choices seem to be stay and continue the abuse, continue the denial that they need HELP, or leave. And even the people who leave still suffer abuse from them. I feel as lost as everyone else on here.

  • Comment Link Brian Wednesday, 06 January 2016 19:25 posted by Brian

    I have recently discovered this dissorder, and that my soon to be ex-wife has it to the extreme. She has made me feel as if I was the problem. Her lack of affection, constant belittling, and verbal abuse has beat me down to the depths of my soul. I don't know who I am anymore. All I know is I'm not who I was. And of course, she made that to be my fault. I tried to do everything right for her, but to no avale. I was the soul provider for my family of 3 kids for 13 years. And when she had to go back to work, kicking and screaming, my narcissistic supply had run out for her. She saw it as a means to be on her own, not a way to help with the finances. She sneaks around behind my back to go out with her guy friends from work, she has daily on going texting with multiple men, including young men just out of high school. I even found hand prints on my bathroom wall where I'm pretty sure she had sex when I was out of town. All this has led to extreme jealousy and insecurity in me, which she uses to get me irrate. Then I blow up. This has been a constant cycle for about 5 years now. When I feel like things are getting better, she created chaos to put me in my place. Recently, after 3 weeks of her ignoring me, my volcano erupted. She said that was the last time and will be filing for divorce next week. From all I've read, divorcing a narc is harder than living with one. My already lie self esteem can't take much more, and I fear that, without me there, my kids will be left with no one to protect them from her evil, sellfish, disrespectful, ungrateful ways. I would love some advice.

  • Comment Link Kat Friday, 01 January 2016 09:48 posted by Kat

    Brooke, I have been there. My ex-husband treated me the same way, completely invalidating my emotions when they were inconvenient for him. We had the same argument beginning a week before the wedding and continuing up until the date, 8 months later, when I asked for a divorce. On a couple of occasions I became physical with him which was immensely distressing, so I understand that particular pain you are experiencing. He then twisted the story into how I was abusing and controlling and told me his therapist had said the same. Later he told me that he didn't actually think I was abusive and blamed his therapist for putting that idea in his head (more deflection of blame). I'd recommend looking into gas lighting as well since that concept resonated with me.

    Ironically, our conflict began when he betrayed my trust in a major way and then blamed his actions on everyone else, including me (for not explicitly telling him not to do the thing in question). I eventually realized that no amount of prodding was going to make him say or do the things I needed to heal, so I cut my losses.

    Like you described, being with my ex made me a person I had never known before and that I sure as hell didn't want to be in the future. It's been just under a year since I left him and I'd say I'm about 90% back to my old self. I still struggle with residual self-doubt and confusion, specifically still wanting him to be the person I thought he was. I have to accept that no one has that power. I am so lucky I got out before we had kids, but few days go by that I don't wish I'd called off the wedding. I don't envy your current dilemma. I hope that my experience, and those other women have shared, help you get through this tough time and come out stronger.

  • Comment Link Traci Friday, 01 January 2016 08:29 posted by Traci

    To all you ladies out there living with a narcissist, LEAVE before he does anymore damage to you. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM! BUT HE WILL CHANGE YOU! You will doubt yourself, including your sanity, and have little to no self-worth.
    I have been married for over 26 years and I can't tell you all he has put me through. I should have left years ago but sadly, I am still here. I am getting therapy for myself now and attempting to rebuild the confidence he stripped from me throughout the years. I am going to leave him, hopefully sooner than later.
    The truth is the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
    I often wish he was more the physically abusive instead of the emotional abusive type. At least I would have evidence of his damage. Outer bruises and scars heal. But emotional scars aren't visible to everyone and take longer to heal.
    I have children who see how dysfunctional this marriage is. By staying here I am not only on a downward spiral of depression and hopelessness but I am bringing my children down with me.
    So PLEASE, my sweet sisters, hear my words. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! While you are young, smart, beautiful, and have so much to offer this world, and for your children, leave while you can. Leave while you still feel young, smart, beautiful, lovable. Because if you stay, your won't feel worthy of anything, including God's love. ALL MY LOVE.

  • Comment Link K.Dooduh Thursday, 31 December 2015 07:01 posted by K.Dooduh

    I have been with my Narc for 18 months. It has been the hardest 18 months of my life but I remain in the situation bc we share a 6 month old daughter. The thought of him having my daughter alone sends shivers down my spine. He currently tells her bad things about me and she doesn't even understand them, imagine one on one time, oh heavens no! Needless to say this article is dead on! The silly pittiful lies, the non argumentative state and turning things around to make me look crazy when he was the one who got me there in the first place. I for one have no idea how long I will last in this nightmare called a relationship, however finding groups and others going through it helps me to remain strong focused!!! Much love to us survivors of this craziness!!!

  • Comment Link Karen Monday, 28 December 2015 13:02 posted by Karen

    Wow! My NH was described perfectly here.i have been on some closed websites lately and learned a lot and have stopped allowing him to push my buttons. He knows something has changed though and I have some worries as to how he'll continue to deal. I have never said to him that he has a narcissist personality...yet. I am thankful for finding this community to figure out my next steps.

  • Comment Link Beth Friday, 25 December 2015 01:02 posted by Beth

    This article describes my husband and I perfectly. We've been together for 10 years, four of them married. I'm weighing in because it's the holidays and I feel a little sad this time of year, because we're spending Christmas Eve AND Christmas AND basically half the month with HIS family- like we always do. Every year he says "let's spend Christmas with my family and do Christmas with your family next year."

    Yeah f*cking right?! LIES!!! 10 years later and he still gives me that stupid line. Thank God I gave up on that idea long ago and have amazing in-laws to spend the holidays with.

    Merry Christmas Eve to all the ladies out there. Make sure you've bought yourself a VERY nice Christmas present. You've earned it.

  • Comment Link Tami Friday, 18 December 2015 21:02 posted by Tami

    After reading all of these posts, I'm so glad I'm not alone! That's what I've been feeling like for almost 8 years now. Like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is hearing me. Sandra, my husband also is in counseling to "try to change", but every week when he comes home I hear about how our marriage and family problems are all my fault. I'm in the wrong because I put him and the kids first. I'm wrong because I bend over backwards doing EVERYTHING for him to make him happy (which I'm finally realizing will never happen). I'm so stupid for not realizing this before. He tells me his therapist is putting everything on me. I don't know if it's true because I'm not there, it could just be my husband telling me this to make it look like he's got someone on his side. I'm so confused and I feel like a failure in life. He's taken away every bit of confidence I had in myself. I'm a completely different person than I was 8 yrs ago. I'm so scared!

  • Comment Link Enid Wednesday, 16 December 2015 06:59 posted by Enid

    Is it possible for a man to have narcissistic traits but not be a full narcissist? some of these things ring true but others dont,

  • Comment Link MLS Tuesday, 08 December 2015 21:50 posted by MLS

    I've been dating a man that has been finishing his divorce for over 5 years and we move in together a year ago. I saw many warning signs but part of our relationship seems so special and the attention is intense that i would stick it out. He would always make me feel like it was the one who did everything wrong. I could never even talk to him as he would dominate of walk away. we fight all the time and then make up. The definition of insanity is this relationship. but I realized now that he is a Narcissist. I looked up the behavior and it describe him to a tee! I have kicked him out before but he always big comes back and promises make good all the while blaming me for everything.I never met anyone so full of themselves and he is actually extremely overweight the very cocky. He's now agree to move out. I pray that he does before Christmas. praying!!

  • Comment Link Jenny Tuesday, 08 December 2015 17:33 posted by Jenny

    I have been married to my Husband for 13 years, we have 3 beautiful children together. He told my 5 days ago that he had a 6 month long affair. Yesterday he was diagnosed as a Narssist. He said he has been lying to me our whole marriage about stupid stuff. He says he is trying to fix himself for our family. I think he struggles with wanting to be a good man but that's it's actually really hard for him. I'm taking my time on making the decision to reconcile or divorce. But if I knew this 13 years ago I never would have married him. Brooke! Run!

  • Comment Link Lissette Sunday, 06 December 2015 22:23 posted by Lissette

    Wow should I run? Any success stories?

  • Comment Link Sugarmama46 Saturday, 05 December 2015 18:19 posted by Sugarmama46

    Brooke.. you have to end it. I was married for 12 years to mine and the last year was the most brutal... the smear campaign was over the top... I couldn't even go to our neighborhood gas station or grocery store.. everyone would sneer at me or act all scared of me... apparently he was telling everyone I was violent with him and abusing him and he feared for his life... he wouldnt go to work for days at a time.. I worked 3 jobs.. I'd come home to him passed out... and it was obvious he had a woman in bed with him while I was gone... every pot and pan and dish in the house was used and strewn from one end of the house to the other... but he didn't cook???? I picked up 190 beer cans from 4 days of his drinking all over my deck and yard.... I didn't abuse him... but I sure wanted to... his psychologist sister called me after I left to take a job out of town and blamed me for everything. .. after she implied what a terrible person I was for leaving her brother.. her final shot was that she was just calling to help me.... then proceeded to send him a pile of cash to I guess keep drinking and partying with his girlfriend he had before I left... I heard he moved her into my house the afternoon I drove across country to my new contact job. It will be interesting when I get back to collect all my belongings in the house when my contact is over... I wonder if anything will even be there... so in ending.... his ex wife and 2 ex girlfriends including the mother of his daughter told me to run as fast as I can away from him.. one month into our relationship and I didn't listen... I thought I could change him...he owed me thousands and thousands of dollars.. I've missed important family events and my two sons and,all my family and friends despise him... Brooke, he's not worth it. Please leave before he does something to you.

  • Comment Link Brooke Friday, 04 December 2015 02:16 posted by Brooke

    I'm engaged to a narcissist!! I'm losing myself along with it now that I know these things I can try an accept I'm ever gonna win.. I have became violent to him cause he acts like my feelings are irrelevant makes me feel crazy like I say that I didn't an hear things I didnt! It's craziness I have never dealt with such a person... either I walk away or accept he's not gonna change! I need help finding myself agian I love him an don't wanna give up but he has literally pushed me over the edge!

  • Comment Link Sandra Thursday, 26 November 2015 00:19 posted by Sandra

    How can I tell his therapist about his real behavior? He shows a sweet side with her but home his angry always talking nonsense. I am drained about to hit the road.

  • Comment Link Kay Corsun Saturday, 21 November 2015 01:49 posted by Kay Corsun


  • Comment Link Jbass Sunday, 01 November 2015 11:15 posted by Jbass

    Seems to be a characteristic, they never listen to advice or learn from mistakes, expect others to fix their problems...

  • Comment Link Danielle Saturday, 31 October 2015 17:02 posted by Danielle

    Wow. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you. I have been drained so slowly of the years that I didn't even realize it was happening until I was so far removed from my old self. This article is incredibly accurate. Thank you

  • Comment Link Sharon Lacey Wednesday, 28 October 2015 19:47 posted by Sharon Lacey

    100% on spot. These relationships are draining for the spouse and kids in the household. It's sad but true and there is nothing you can do but try to cope are hurry and get out of it before they destroy your life! They have no sympathy, empathy, love are aware of how to give it because the source of training during their childhood make them only only accountable to them and only them. It's sad when you see an entire family of sibling with this disorder. Many people that they touch in life will forever be damaged in one way or another. I will tell anyone to get out as soon as possible and never look back at them!!!

  • Comment Link Deahna Wednesday, 28 October 2015 06:15 posted by Deahna

    My husband has been the biggest emotional, verbal and psychological abuser- making me so frustrated angry, screaming, and hurt- while he just stands there and sneers.... I've seen photos on his phone of my cigarette butts and poor you'd keeping (really? He makes me feel less than two cents and I'm going to cook, and clean, and be anything less than a drug addict?). The moment we got married, and he 'got me', he became and ass- fighting on our wedding night, having an affair (for two years) during my pregnancy, ruining motherhood, financially abusing me, and all the while telling me all his friends (whom I never met, and we were together for decades) thought I was a bitch...even his brother told me that he has skewed perceptions negatively towards me. I protected him and never told anyone how horrible he was. I was loyal to him. Since I've found the truth, this past month, I e been telling EVERYONE- it's so cathartic...and I've put him in his place, and stopped him in his tracks when he started with the abuse. I'm plotting my escape, and letting him pay the bills. Screw him.

  • Comment Link Jo Monday, 26 October 2015 18:39 posted by Jo

    Thanku. I believe im in a relationship with an extreme narcissist atm.

  • Comment Link Brenda Thursday, 22 October 2015 14:56 posted by Brenda

    If you can't trust a word they say and they have no regard for rules or empathy, how in the world can you have a real relationship with them? If you have to look at their emails or texts, your phone bills, have every reason to think they would cheat on you if given half the chance, and have no regard for your feelings, I can't imagine you can be happy in a relationship like that. That's the life I live and it's exhausting.

  • Comment Link Terrie Tuesday, 20 October 2015 16:07 posted by Terrie

    Thank you for putting this up to help me understand how his brain functions. I thought I was losing my mind, then I discovered I am not. He expects more than I can give and always has a reason to blame anything on anyone. I'm always thinking I m going crazy. When I think about the stupid fights he likes to hide, and put up boundaries so I don't see him.

    We took a canoe trip and sat on the shore for an hour so he could yell at me I said No un acceptable to him for acting like that. I'm frankly tired of being told I'm a '2 timer ' and he wants a divorce. I honestly believe he is 2 timing me. I have told him it will be death before I divorce him. I finally am on his checking accounts. I was told he didn't trust me. I'm still very hurt.

    It doesn't matter what I do it isn't good enough for him there is nothing more pleasant for me than creating a wonderful meal try to sit down with him and his daughter at the table and they carry on a complete conversation without the benefit of being included or thanked. I blew up at them and asked if l was ALWAYS EXCLUDED from their conversations.

  • Comment Link Dave Thursday, 15 October 2015 15:18 posted by Dave

    I really enjoyed this article. I'm actually the husband of a narcissistic wife. Her behavior is outrageous, she is selfish, financially irresponsible, mean-spirited, and she refuses to have adult conversations about anything, always twisting the facts to "win" rather than trying to solve problems. I could also relate to the "angry stare" comment. She glares constantly and talks in an angry, condescending tone. Not to mention she's in a bizarre religious cult.

    I only stay in the relationship because she would have leverage in getting custody of my eight year old son. She knows this and she constantly uses him as a pawn, threatening to take him, in order to get her way. I'm in a Saw movie. I've had to make a choice between two very bad options. But I know that this is best for my son, so it's what I have to do.

    I like reading articles like this because it reinforces the reality of the situation. Although I know that most of the problems in our relationship are because of her, I am a person who soul searches and tries to find where I may be at fault. So, reading articles like this helps remind me where the blame really lies, and not to put anything on my shoulders that shouldn't be there.

  • Comment Link Amanda Friday, 02 October 2015 04:33 posted by Amanda

    Thanks for this, I have just come out of dating a narcissist, it was the most confusing time of my life, I thought I was crazy, I even went to a psychiatrist as I had been convinced there was something wrong with me (they then told me it wasn't me and told me he was dead on for a narcissist).

    The worst part is I look back now, I am a very successful, attractive, global travelled, confident, strong, kind woman and he was the opposite but somehow he got me hooked. I remember on our third date, he told me about this woman he flew overseas to surprise he had talked to on Facebook, he sat opposite her work and had booked lunch at a restaurant she was talking about that she couldn't afford (he even admitted she didn't recognise him, was a bit freaked out and insisted her friend went with them, he was much older than her, no wonder it creeped her out but to him, it was romantic). He then told me about another woman he flew all the way to Sweden to see, he was starting to chip away at my self esteem then as he hadn't actually even taken me out on a date, he invited me to his, then he had come to mine, I presumed it was money and he was broke and I didn't want to hold that against him. It then went on, telling me all these lovely stories of what he had done for other women, but never anything for me. Then it went on, the starting to compare me to women he told me were stronger, more worthy of his love and all the reasons I wasn't.

    He managed to twist my head around so much and he would literally sit there and lecture me for three hours straight about all the reasons he couldn't love horrible little me, but how many women he had fallen in love with and much comparison.

    I was fortunate, I had met his type before, so the damage wasn't too long lasting (last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago, he told me that I should be happy he is even talking to me because of my behaviour.....that was it for me, I found this fire in my belly and I told him to never contact me again as I was sick of his threats).

    I have no doubt I will hear from him again, they never go far once they have their hooks into someone. I did however tell him that he is a narcissist, that I had seen his patterns and his constant threats to banish me from his life if my behaviour did not comply, the ridiculous lies he told about everything (the socks comment was great in this article as it really is that obvious and ridiculous when they lie). I remember him telling me he had seen a solicitor as he loaned $2500 from me on our fourth date with a ridiculous lie about his Mum having Cancer, when things got really ugly he told me he went to the police and a solicitor about me, the solicitor had told him if I so much as mention the money he owed, it was considered blackmail and I would be arrested. I mean this was coming from a man who appeared to be completely intelligent and very grounded and smart. He also told me the polce told him to meet me in a public place as poor men like him get put in jail for beating women like me and the police told him we deserved it, women like me and the men don't deserve jail so to play safe and meet me somewhere public. This was because I told his Mum he owed me money when he blocked me on Facebook for not behaving and asked her to kindly make sure he paid it back. The lies were unreal and the over reactions were like nothing I have ever seen. I felt like I was the worst person on earth, a ridiculous human being, that no one would want (of course he was the only man who would tolerate me.......that rang warning bells when he told me that, I had heard about that being used by abusers).

    Understanding NPD's is like trying to smell the colour 9. The lies are so obvious and silly you think 'really, I must have misheard' put it down to them being overly passionate for a while too, thinking they just get a bit energetic so lie a little to make their point, then you realise it is far more sinister than that.

    I think when a man so smoothly asks to loan a few thousand dollars from a woman on a fourth date, it says straight away there is mental illness in that man.

    Oh and the classic, narcissists love to see you down, so they can go in and really kick you. If you want to make a narcissist come at you, going for the biggest emotional blow then tell them you love them, say something really really kind, tell them you are proud of them for doing something........then watch the venom fly. Even better, be upset, be vulnerable, then watch them again, they will go straight at you.

    Walk away, watch them become like little kittens, they want to pull you back in so they can punish you.

  • Comment Link Helen Tuesday, 22 September 2015 15:51 posted by Helen

    Thank you so much for this post. My aunt is a narcissist and living with her my whole life has been terrifying. When my father passed and I got self destructive she got right on the train to beat me down further. Trying to deal with her has always been difficult and this really helped fill in some holes and give me a few ideas on how to cope.

    For those wondering if you are a narcissist. A lot of people have narcissistic traits but a true narcissist can never admit that they have a problem let alone a mental disorder. If you are even questioning whether or not you are a narcissist, then the answer is No.

  • Comment Link Fifi Tuesday, 22 September 2015 07:19 posted by Fifi

    Story of ny life! I will be married six years this year, and I lost all confidence, I will be 30 in two days, I dont have a job, I dont have a good education, I believe im pretty smart,buy whose gona believe me, I've got little to prove for it, my husband is 50, and he is the biggest narcissist ive met in my whole entire life, I feel weak and hopeless, then he is the one telling me I am always so quiet, but ive come to that point where I dont say anything anymore, when we alone and when accompanied by friends or family, I feel I have nothing to say,nothing to add thats worth saying, and I promise if I do say something he will disagree without him I don't have anything, I wouldnt know where to go or what to do, I am looking for a job, but I really do t have the confidence to deal with people. I feel like a BiG loser, I cant even remember the awesome sales person I was once upon a time, lost all hope, confidence and energy. This article and all the commments really helped me identifying what is and has been happeninh to me for the past 6years. Thank you, lets hope I can get my groove back and live a normal life once again.

  • Comment Link Casual Observer Sunday, 20 September 2015 12:50 posted by Casual Observer

    I disagree respectfully with the author. There isn't a way to survive a relationship with a Narcissist. Over time he or she will break you down.

    It is better to take the advice given by the author (and it is sound advice) and apply it towards another relationship in a healthy way.

    Some may call that being pessimistic. Having a narcissist in your life is like having a wild animal as a pet. One cannot domesticate a lion/tiger. They will take off your arm sooner or later. A narcissist will take your sanity away.

  • Comment Link Imm Saturday, 19 September 2015 04:59 posted by Imm

    I am so grateful for this site and it truly has shed light on what has been happening to half of my life!! I always knew my husband had an illness and thought it was his compulsive lying behaviour and his bruised ego from his childhood. Now I know the actual illness he is suffering from.

    Lee’s account is almost an exact reflection of my marriage of 27 years!
    Here is my story and I am sorry it is rather long as 27 years of being married with a narcissist is no mean feat.

    All the time in my marriage I had thought I was a terrible and the most difficult person to live with! It has only been 1 month since my husband packed and left on the basis that I don’t have faith in him because I had proof of his infidelity but of course he denied and lied about the proof I had.

    Everyone sees him as the nicest guy for me, loving, sweet, kind and always wanting to be there for me. Yet I was emotionally empty as he could not relate on that level. Whenever I tried to bridge that gap in our relationship, he would listen but it does not register in him. I must admit he had tried at some occasion to improve on the emotional level but only for a few days and then he is off to his “narcissistic” behaviours. I will add that he had been wonderful to me in many ways, he would treat me like a queen, he would accede to my desires to go anywhere and do anything (when money is available) and he would be patient with me on many occasions.

    His primary focus is on “work” .... which pays very little, some months there’s money, most months, there were none at all. Everytime we get into an argument or fight, and when he is at losing corner, he would be angry, shout and throw accusations at me. His famous phrase to me “It is your way or no way, I am sick of being treated like a nobody in this family! Even the son does not respect me because of your attitude towards me!”. He would then move on to threaten me “I shall pack and leave and when I leave, you will never see me again!” Each time in the past, I would fear being alone and my insecurities would surface and then I will beg him to stay. He would then stay and will always play on my guilt that I had begged him to stay and yet I continue to treat him poorly. He even accused me of being insane and always having wild thoughts about his unfaithfulness. He would tear me up inside and then he would scoop me up and love me like it was my fault for being unreasonable but he “forgives” me because he “loves” me so much.

    I was confused, I was feeling needy, I felt suicidal as I was at my wits end, I actually thought I was insane to mistrust and have doubts on a man who “loves” me dearly. I continued to be crippled and needed his affection and “emotional support”.

    I too had been the primary provider - financially. I now can relate to Lee’s situation as we are in debt high over our heads as “he spends money like its water”, “I pay all of the bills”, “I have always been very successful and educated and work my butt off to make ends meet”, “I have pawned much of my stuff since he spends so much money, I need to pay my bills and buy food...even though I make 90% of the income” I had held onto jobs that were stressing me out emotionally and mentally, yet I could not leave until I found another as I needed to sustain the family’s income while he would just quit, be unemployed and move into another job in a wink of an eye.

    Note: He is intelligent, he learns new skills very fast, he had many failed business ventures, he has been a bankrupt the past 15 years and he has recently been addicted to internet pornography.

    The final straw was when I set out to confirm for my own sanity that I am not crazy and my instinct was right that he was having an affair .... with a woman lesser than me (by “Lesser” I mean she is less successful career wise, less educated, less attractive, less well spoken etc – I don’t mean to be derogatory here but she is every bit the opposite of me and they have a language barrier – I am sorry if I have offended anyone with this). I remained patient during his 2.5 year affair and was hoping he would realise that I am the better half and would choose me. I was so wrong. He wanted his cake and eat it. When I finally had sufficient evidence, I approached him in a calm manner and offered him the chance to come clean and to try to rework our marriage for the long haul, to work towards our retirement age together. He went into a rage and lied, more lies came out to refute what I had discovered. And so he threatened to leave. I accepted his challenge and he packed. On the day he was about to leave, he put on his usual angry self and isolated me when I approached him to discuss the direction from this point forth. He refused to talk to me. So I let it be.

    I went through the emotional roll-coaster of a broken marriage, the defeated and betrayed wife journey. But all this while, I reminded myself I need to recover from what I had lost all those 27 years, my self-worth and to stop doubting myself. I was so alone and had many times contemplated to reach out to him to come back. I had, since his departure, been chasing him for his income to supplement the home, of course that was fruitless.

    Please help me here .... am I feeding his narcissism by continuing to chase him for money, is this giving him the attention he craves? I have been persistent with the money issue as I do not want him to get away with the fact that moving out releases him from all financial obligations towards the family. Moving out does not free him from the responsibility as a husband and father. Moving out does not give him the freedom to finally do as he pleases. Now after reading the article, I may be wrong. I would appreciate any thoughts and guidance to my situation.

    Thank you for reading.

  • Comment Link Marcie Friday, 18 September 2015 16:31 posted by Marcie

    I came across this website by accident trying to finally make sense of my 20 years with my husband; I've been trying to find enough courage & strength to decide to leave because my spirit feels so broken. Then by fate I came across this article , I finally understand why my husband is the way he is towards me . Thank you so much for having this website , I really believe from finding this place it's going to help me greatly in finding myself again.

  • Comment Link Port7777 Monday, 14 September 2015 21:00 posted by Port7777

    I am actually not sure I am involved with a narcissist or if I am one myself. My BF and I have been together for 5 years. When we first started he was still married. I was the "other" woman. When his wife moved out, I moved in. I was told I was to be considered "Just a friend" to everyone in his work and family, including his children, because of his "status" in his family. He was good to me in all aspects except the acknowledgement of our relationship. I felt so horrible about myself and the situation that I was unfaithful 2 years into the relationship. When he found out all hell broke loose. I realized what I had done and that I did not want to lose him. so I tried to do whatever it was he wanted or needed to win back the trust until I found out he was seeing and texting other women. Now the bond of trust is really gone. Every fight we have is about my insecurity of his faithfulness. Every time I see his phone there is a new dating app or a new woman contact. He has never admitted to being unfaithful, even with proof. I am the one who cheated and he would never do that to me. I started to believe that it was true. That it was nothing. That it was all my fault and I have not proven a thing to him about my faithfulness. Then this Saturday I looked at his phone. Pure proof of a one night stand and a dating app along with emails from the craigslist add he responded to. I was actually devistated! I confronted him an he said "On my children I have never cheated on you!" and asked what had he done to make him a bad boyfriend when I was the one that cheated. I keep second guessing myself and I think I'm crazy. Sorry this is so long. I'm glad I found this article!

  • Comment Link Nymeria Sunday, 13 September 2015 19:36 posted by Nymeria

    Oh my God, I have been reading the comments and I am more sad and angry with the comments than with my life with a narcissist.
    You ladies are such losers. Pardon me but you are. And this comes from an ex-loser who has been with a narcissist for 8 years. So I know exactly what you are going through. Why don't you dump them?! You think it's difficult? You dread the next day? Nothing is more difficult than experiencing this abuse DAY AFTER DAY, trust me on that! The most difficult part you have done already, you have experienced life with a narcissist. Now DUMP them and get your life back.
    It's 6 months now that I am narcissist-free and I have steadily been gaining back everything I lost because of him. My friends, my confidence and my sanity.
    Dump them. It only gets better after you do.

  • Comment Link Mo Sunday, 06 September 2015 02:49 posted by Mo

    Hi all, my first time on here, reading the article has helped me realize I am living with a narcissist! He lies, cheats, goes into rages, gaslights with every argument. He always has to beat me down verbally, until I doubt my own sanity.
    I have just finished treatment for breast cancer, I chose to have a mastectomy, his reaction was telling me he wouldn't see me the same, and went on to withhold sex for six months.
    I feel useless and powerless, I struggle to keep up with his exacting standards, he criticizes everything I do, I am turning into a shadow of the strong confident woman I used to be, what a way to live life eh?
    I'm going to put into practice some of the advice on here, maybe it will work, I'm desperate right now.

  • Comment Link Door mat Friday, 04 September 2015 14:45 posted by Door mat

    i spent two years with one and the whole time I thought i was nuts. He would lie about everything. I was cheated on and felt like i could do nothing right. I bent over backwards to make everything comfortable nothing was ever good enough. Finally when he had sucked the very life out of me he left and within days had someone else who is now living with. Sometimes i still wonder why i wasn't good enough This article feels like it was written about me. medides

  • Comment Link SUMITA Tuesday, 01 September 2015 11:26 posted by SUMITA

    Very usuful

  • Comment Link Dave A. Wednesday, 26 August 2015 03:09 posted by Dave A.

    Thank you for this article.

    I lived with a friend who I saw turn into a huge narcissistic abuser of his wife, and all around him.

    Everything you said is spot on.

    Lied about military service, began to criticize me - his guest - relentlessly, lying, blaming others, finding fault with everything. Was not fun and got the hell away from him. I hope his immediate family will do the same.

  • Comment Link Jay W. Monday, 24 August 2015 12:54 posted by Jay W.

    I wish this article could be re-written to be gender-free. I am now going through a separation and divorce from my wife who is a classic Narcissist combined with ADHD. I do feel totally emasculated and torn down over the years, my sense of self-worth diminished, isolating myself (even from the kids) to avoid her temper tantrums (esp. after drinking on top of Adderal), always questioning reality because her version never quite fit, etc.

  • Comment Link Diane Monday, 24 August 2015 02:34 posted by Diane

    Yes thank you for this article! I've been married for 3 years and have been feeling less confident, less intelligent and more and more emotionally drained day by day. I tried looking up why this happened and only then i knew why. It was because i was married to a narcissistic guy. Systematically he had managed to put me down and belittle my achievements constantly and doesnt acknowledge the things i do for our 2 year old daughter. For example I cooked her food myself when she was starting to eat solids and he complains that i was too controlling. Mind you if it was up to him..he would let his mother feed my daughter fries and chocolate cake at 6 months (it happened by the way). All of my efforts are usually flushed down the drain and are mostly intrepeted by him and his parents as controlling behaviours (control what the baby eats, sleeptime, nap time etc.). If and when confronted he will brush his behaviours off and tells me that i am too emotional and makes fun of me. Fights with him turns twisted and confusing as he twists words and things i've done (which were good and positive) into something bad and negative ie. setting a bedtime routine means i am ignorant of the baby's need of wanting to play with his parents until late after midnight. This is just the tip of the ice berg.
    Lately my husband has started to belittle me in front of his family and the narcissistic symptoms checklist is getting ticked more and more. Which is why i am convinced that i married a narcissist. I am constantly walking on egg shells and i am scared to make any decisions for myself without consulting him. He has managed to changed my happy go lucky self to a person who rarely laughs or go out with friends anymore. The constant belittling of my family members have also distant myself from my family (his family lives only 5mins away and we are always there).
    I would like to thank you so much for this article because i want to take back control of my life and my happiness. Now i know how to deal correctly with my husband and most probably his parents' narcissistic behaviours too. Thank you!!

  • Comment Link joanie Friday, 21 August 2015 20:25 posted by joanie

    WOW! OMG, when I read this it was like I wrote it, like the writer was living in my body. I've come to the point with my narcissist that I broke after years of taunting , revisionist history , and just continual drama. I suck , he's awesome. I was such a high achiever before him , I still work but I gave up my upwardly mobile career for him & his kids. I wanted to they needed me. But the systematic breaking me down starting about a year or so in. It's turned physical a couple of times lately ... I'm ashamed to say it's my being physical with him after he for days on end sets out to belittle , demean , harrass , threaten to go to another woman , threaten to throw me out on the street , yada yada ~ I can't even walk away or he ramps it up even more when I return. Then he won't let anything go , he continues to keep score against me. I know now what I have to do , but for now I'm stuck with bad credit because I allowed him to use my credit several years ago & he ruined it , no friends or family. I'm highly educated ,and have never stooped to the level of physical violence before ... but here I am...I'm writing this for no other reason than just to show myself I still can be the strong woman I used to be.

  • Comment Link lee Monday, 17 August 2015 02:02 posted by lee

    I have been in a marriage with a severely narcissistic man for 15 years. I have somehow dealt with being blamed for things that I was totally unaware of, cheated on multiple times and repeatedly disrespected and or abused. I have always been very successful and educated and work my butt off to make ends meet. He runs a business I started and calls off work all of the time, leaving me fully responsible for all of the bills. He tells me I am lazy and that I can't keep a nice home, even though he is generally home all of the time. The kids and I are not that messy, but he sits on the couch most days and expects me to clean and do laundry after I work and drive about 12 hours a day. I am exhausted...tired of being treated like a worthless piece of crap. Yesterday he had another random and violent outburst for no reason, but it was the fault of myself and the kids. My daughter stood up for me and then she had to be screamed at...its awful and a very confusing lifestyle. Even my neighbors that can often hear him scream, say I treat him like royalty. I cannot do anything right in his eyes. I would love to leave and move on, but for some reason feel so lost, as if I couldn't do it, despite the fact that I pay all of the bills. If and when he works for my business, he calls me at work and screams about every little thing that went wrong, I have a big job, so I can't spend time listening to that, nor do I want to hear a 41 year old have a temper tantrum because he had to get up and go to work. I do not talk to anyone about this because they all think he is so wonderful...far from reality. I am ashamed and feel this article helped me to realize I am not alone. This is the hardest thing anyone can deal with. I pray that things will change, but know that it is unlikely and cry myself to sleep at night. I never want my kids to see me cry, so I can have to hide it. I have no insurance, so seeing a therapist is out of the question, but really feel its necessary for me at this point. He spends money like its water and I sit with dark roots and chipped nail polish. I finally went out and bought a few new clothes, but got treated poorly because of it. I have pawned much of my stuff since he spends so much money, I need to pay my bills and buy food...even though I make 90% of the income...I dream of a day I would be given flowers or a special gift, but am confident that day will not come. I make sure to get him special things here and, this really feels good to vent...I do know I deserve better...please God send me a miracle...

  • Comment Link Jenny Saturday, 15 August 2015 02:19 posted by Jenny

    Yes Yes Yes this is what I live. I want the strength to walk away.

  • Comment Link Kathryn Sunday, 19 July 2015 16:15 posted by Kathryn

    Thank you for this. This is the epitamy of my life right now. :(
    I tell him everyday what a narcissist he is and his comeback is, "you don't even know what that means!"

  • Comment Link Tori Sunday, 19 July 2015 05:16 posted by Tori

    This is the story of my life.
    I want out.

  • Comment Link Leenah Tuesday, 14 July 2015 03:21 posted by Leenah

    Wow.. it just amazes me how real and on point this is to who I am in a relationship with. Everything is on point.

  • Comment Link Carla Saturday, 11 July 2015 14:40 posted by Carla

    I just realized about 4 months ago that after 18 years I have been living with a Narcissist Wow I am stunned and in shock and I refuse to succumb to this person and now know why I have changed over the last 18 years--but I am not going to take it any longer and I am going to stand up and be who I was--I will not divorce this person I am only going to make my self better I have to..he is a good man alot of the times and I think he has seen things in himself in the last few years that he realizes however i cant be the victim any longer I was already a victim of child sexual abuse and chose to not let it affect my adult life. I am taking my life back...

  • Comment Link Tony Slack Wednesday, 08 July 2015 23:27 posted by Tony Slack

    What about a support group for men in this situation. I was married to a woman that always disrespected me and cheated on multiple occasions, I work hard and make a good salary, provided a nice home and vehicles. always supported her and even did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and looked after the kids. she rarely worked or thanked me for my efforts instead she would just say I wasn't doing enough and then after the break up I found out about 8 different affairs she had. I always walked on eggshells trying not to upset her and now i'm the bad guy because she finally left to be with a younger guy? why am I the bad guy? because I won custody of the kids? they wanted to live with me because mom left them at home alone to chase her new boyfriend? this is a good article but sometimes the woman can also be the narcissist.

  • Comment Link Robin Tuesday, 07 July 2015 03:54 posted by Robin

    This article is spot on!!! I was married to a narcissist for five years. The marriage became abusive during the first year and during one of the honeymoon stages of abuse, I became pregnant with our daughter. Things became worse and I decided to leave for the fifth and final time. My daughter and I stayed in a shelter and my husband begged for me to come back and threatened to commit suicide if I didn't. He then started texting pictures to me of his attempts until a week later when I found that he hanged himself. The suicide note pretty much stated that he said he was sorry and that I should have believed him.

    Fast forward a few years later, I am not remarried however, I am in a long-term relationship. It took me a while to realize it but my partner is very narcissistic. He never admits or apologizes when he is wrong. And for me, it's not about being right or wrong all the time. I just want him to acknowledge my feelings when I express my concern about his treatment of me as well as my daughter. He shows no empathy for anyone else's feelings, except for his own. He's always judging me and everyone for that matter. He is also very, very critical.... His favorite line.... "I'm cut from a different cloth." or "I can't expect people to be like me." As I As time went on, I became disgusted by him.

    I had to build myself up over a year and now I feel untouchable! We just had an argument and I said whatever I could get in and afterwards, I watched something positive, Joyce Meyer for me, then turned on some positive music on and sang my heart out. Before I realized it, I was smiling and enjoying the rest of my evening and slept like a baby... well not a baby, since they like cat naps. Ladies, build yourself up. You are phenomenal and you deserve to be happy! Narcissists will try to make you think that you're crazy but the joke will be on them when you become untouchable. Just like the article states, treat yourself!

  • Comment Link sara Thursday, 02 July 2015 21:44 posted by sara

    I am currently involved with a narcisstic guy. I moved away from my family for him, and at first everything was very good. Now any issues he has is my fault I'm called horrible names. I feel I can't say how I feel without being yelled at. He wants to be able to do as he pleases and never have respect to let me know what's going on. He always makes me look bad infront of everyone we know. I have helped him so much financially feel trapped. He has such a terrible temper he gets mad over the littlest things. He never listens to others always interrupts to talk about himself. He always makes me feel if I stick up for myself im just wanting to fight with him, so I just don't say anything anymore. He can be a very nice guy but it's hard to tell day to day how things will be with him. His friends always take his side and I never can defend myself. I feel like everyone is fooled thinking he is such a great guy soothe time and I'm just the controlling girlfriend.

  • Comment Link Kallie Thursday, 02 July 2015 18:38 posted by Kallie

    Been with my husband for 10 years. It was doomed from the beginning because I refused to run far far away only because I wanted to feel "wanted" at that point in my life. My mistake. Recently a friend of mine told me that my husband was a narcissist, but I didn't completely believe him. I knew he was an attention hog and I knew he always managed to somehow spin a situation to make me look like the bad guy, but I honestly thought it really was me to blame for everything, since he has "taught" me that I'm the one who is at fault for anything bad or negative in our relationship.

    This article describes my husband to a T! I have never in my life felt so empowered knowing that I'm not crazy and it's not all my fault. I have literally lost my self esteem and don't know where to go to find it again. Like someone else said, I don't know where I end and he begins. I have no identity, no self worth, no self confidence, and sometimes I feel like I have no reason to live because I can't just be ME. I literally woke up a few months ago and asked to myself, “who are you???” We don't fight all of the time, but many conversations with him turn into me being the bad guy and him blaming me for, in his words, "always wanting to play the victim." Speaking of words, his words are like kung fu. You enter a conversation which turns into an argument and before you know it he's manipulated your brain to think that what I originally thought were valid points in the conversation were totally invalid and his twisted comments ARE valid. Can't tell you how many conversations I have had and when they finished I sit there and go what just happened? How did I get on this side of the fence???

    He makes me feel invisible, unloved, unappreciated, irresponsible, invalid, inadequate in every way. We will be out with friends and I have literally been IGNORED by him! He makes me feel stupid, dumb, wrong, unintelligent, and basically like a big useless pile of sh**. He says he shows me love, but it's like "just on the surface" type of love, it's not genuine, it's not from his soul, it's not emotional love. It's not even human compassion. I guess it's physical love. It's so hard to describe, but I am to the point where he even tries to control my emotions and for those who have been through this, you'll know what I'm talking about. Somehow, and I don't know how he does it, but he will make me feel GUILTY for feeling a certain emotion. When you love control of your own emotions then you are no longer your own person.

    I emotionally distanced myself from him years ago because I didn't know how to deal with him and his narcissistically controlling behavior, and NOW it's MY fault because I made him feel unloved and unappreciated and it's MY fault that I pushed him away. I had to put up a wall to protect myself, now he's using that against me to blame me for not showing love for him. I just can't win. It really is like a catch 22. It has literally taken me years to open back up to him. And even when I pour he manages to take away from me. I am by nature an introvert so it's hard for me to open up to him anyway. I have no problem opening up to other people emotionally and that makes him so mad then I get blamed for shutting him out. But at the same time I'm a giver giver giver and he is a taker taker taker. Sometimes I'll randomly blurt out sideways insults when he's with his family or friends. I don't know why I do it, maybe it's my way of trying to gain control of our relationship since I never have the upper hand. Then when we are back in the privacy of our home he yells at me and blames me for putting him down in front of other people. I've told him many times that he treats me like a child. Then he responds with “well if you didn't do such childish things you wouldn't be treated like a child.” Ugh!!! During arguments he boldly makes fun of the way I may be reacting. How I'm sitting there looking like a sad person, or how I'm holding my mouth tightly closed. Many times during a conflict he will tell me to not be so sensitive to things. “You should be able to take it, just get over it” he will tell me. But I'll be darned if I ask him not to be so heavy handed with his comments.

    I realized a couple of years ago that I genuinely do not like him as a person. Our kids respect him like they would respect any father, but it's like forced respect if you know what I mean. He shows zero "true love" and concern for them. He orders us all around and it's so sad to see the look on my kid's faces when he talks down to them. I've had his friends tell him right in front of both of us that he is so lucky to have a woman like me. His response is always "yeah! I know!" There's not a humble bone in his body. It's so sad because I feel so sad, lonely, depressed and lifeless. I know I'm better than this...I know there are plenty of real men out there who would treat me like a real human being. And I long to give all my love, heart and soul to a man who deserves it. Sadly, because of financial reasons I stay for the kids and for the family unit. But I have recently been seeing a therapist and learned that I need to do things for myself so that I can begin to dig myself out of this emotional hole I have been in for so long. Instead of inciting arguments I ignore them. Yeah, I may go silent which I again get blamed for not opening up to him, but at least I can say to myself that I was in control of the situation by not allowing myself to get to the point of falling into this trap yet again. When the kids are older I am out.

    To those of you who feel like you are stuck, please learn to make the best of it by living for yourself, because ultimately YOU are in control of your own happiness. It might not be the ideal living situation, but if you can't make lemonade out of lemons, at least make some lemon water and sprinkle some sugar every moment you can. May God bless you.

  • Comment Link Angel Tuesday, 30 June 2015 20:21 posted by Angel

    I really could use a friend. For some reason I have not been able to leave him. I feel like I'm always dancing because anything I say he turns around. I don't know how to interact with him. He is so critical of everyone, if I agree with him, he changes his story so that I am wrong. If I apologize for anything and honestly admit I was wrong he uses it against me. I have not been able to leave due to finances and I am far away from family and friends. I could go on and on, just sad lonely and hoping someone understands.

  • Comment Link Renea Beckstead Tuesday, 30 June 2015 01:04 posted by Renea Beckstead

    I cannot believe how similar your story is to my marriage. I am on looking this up because of an argument I have 10 minutes ago in which my husband used all of these lines and techniques. Even if you know what's happening, you feel helpless to change it sometimes. I feel wrong, lonely, unwanted and not good enough everyday and I always take the blame on myself. Thank you so much for this, I'm going to put this into practice!

  • Comment Link D.P.Hobbs Monday, 29 June 2015 11:37 posted by D.P.Hobbs

    After 4 years with my husband I divorced him. The article is spot on. I must mention that it's very tempting to second guess yourself and "remain friends".....don't even think about it! Liars and betrayers have no place in our lives. There is nothing wrong with us. We just believe in the goodness of others. There is no service after the sale....once they have you under their spell it's like getting out of quicksand. If you take one step back you'll end up in his supply web once again.

  • Comment Link bum-magnet Saturday, 27 June 2015 10:30 posted by bum-magnet

    Left Narcissist #1. He tried to get me back by threatening to kill himself. I was on the phone with him, and he shot 3 shots and hung up on me. I calmly called his mother and told her to go home; that her son may or may not have killed himself. She called back and told me he ONLY shot holes in the wall of her house....
    Left narcissist # 2. Told me he couldn't have children; found myself pregnant within 2 weeks of marriage. He denied he every told me he was sterile... 10 years of a scary roller coaster ride. Finally left. He used the judicial and justice systems against me. Filed false reports, had the children file reports to children services, and stole primary custody from me. He never even gave them the time of day when I was there.

    Pretty sure I'm on Narcissist #3. Sick of the mind games. When ever something doesn' suit him, or I make a mistake, he hangs up on me, and won't speak to me for days. This usually ends up in him throwing meat...yes meat. Usually something that I've worked hard on.

    They seem so charming and fun, then one day it's like being smacked in the face...Actually sometime's you are literally smacked in the face--other times is figuratively.

    Is it too much to want someone to laugh with?

    N#3 thinks he is a good husband because he doesn't hit me. but those f#$%^& hang-ups hurt more sometimes than a bruised jaw...(N#2)

  • Comment Link Meme Thursday, 25 June 2015 09:49 posted by Meme

    Wow! I can relate to many of the comments left. I divorced a Narcissist. It's taken me nearly 4 years to let go & see the beautiful person I was before I met him. These articles help so much b/c I don't feel alone, crazy, & a lost cause. It helps to hear other testimonies & to know women can be strong after dealing with someone who exhibits these traits. Thank you!

  • Comment Link Hope Wednesday, 24 June 2015 17:24 posted by Hope

    Thank you ,thank you,thank you!!

  • Comment Link Eiman Wednesday, 24 June 2015 06:04 posted by Eiman

    Thank you so much for this article.
    You described everything I`ve been experiencing. Now that I have a clearer understanding of what I am dealing with, I can begin getting my life back.
    Thanks once again.

  • Comment Link JeriSue Friday, 19 June 2015 20:25 posted by JeriSue

    To all the women that are thinking of having children with a narcissist----DO NOT DO IT!!!! LEAVE HIM. It will be so much easier to leave him now than after children! I wish I would have done the same. I was afraid I was too old and could not find another meaningful relationship soon enough. I wish I had left!!! This bad behavior is being done to my children now! He has such a strong hold on me now I don't know when I will be able to leave. I can't bear the thought of my kids with him alone! He's just so mean, selfish, all know.....they all have the same traits/sickness.

  • Comment Link Damaria Thursday, 18 June 2015 20:19 posted by Damaria

    I just recently realized I am married to a Narcissist. We have been married for 7 years and every year with him has been hell. He is verbally abusive and will call me names in front of our two toddlers. I'm pregnant and of course it's all my fault, and I planned it to ruin his life-the same thing he has said with my last two pregnancies. Sex is not consensual, my choices are to have a verbal attack every night or let him have his five minutes of fun while I stare at the ceiling. He controls all of the main income , if my paycheck can not cover anything I should need for myself and children we will not have it. I work full time just so I can take care of our girls basic needs.
    This article is so true. I have more education than he does- that I struggled to receive all while he told me I could not and would never get my degree. I graduated with a 3.0 without any help or encouragement from him. I have a better job because of it, which infuriates him.
    I have left him for two wonderful years of my life, but for our children's sake I let him come back. I'm scared of joint custody with our toddlers girls as he yells at them, or will let them do whatever they want. I have nightmares of them being abused or wandering out in the street because he's somewhere in the house napping or on the computer. I am saving money and planning my escape one day when my girls are older and at least able to use a phone.
    MEANWHILE- I surround myself with positive people that will help me remain sane and encourage me after his verbal tantrums. I pamper myself when I can, and keep myself feeling beautiful so I will never become weak and needy with him. I never tell him his words hurt me or cry. I never tell him I'm having a bad day or talk about my family or life in general . He will use my words as arsenal in his next attack. I keep my girls busy with activities away from home and him. I don't rely on him for help of husbandly or fatherly help not even to put gas in my car or pick up his children from school.
    I know that unless a miracle happens I will never celebrate a anniversary or have a family vacation with him without a verbal attack. I will never have a "normal" loving caring and sharing relationship with this man. I plan to start counseling soon, and I record every verbal attack on my phone in case I should need it for court one day.

  • Comment Link Jo Saturday, 13 June 2015 19:19 posted by Jo

    I have lost my three chilled due to my natcistic husband and to date, don't know what I have done for this to happen. They are; 21, 22 and 23 and have always been close other that the Middle child who seems to get great delight in hurting me and always has. She is very close to my husband. I feel so isolated and grieve stricken that I don't know what go do. I really do just want to end it all as I cannot go out without my children.

  • Comment Link Zuri Friday, 12 June 2015 11:42 posted by Zuri

    What is sad is reading the thread of victims after victims. I'm not going to write about my depleted life I just pray I can pick myself up after 20 years of wondering is it me. All I can say to you all is may Jehovah God have mercy on us and comfort us through the healing process.

  • Comment Link Latasha Wednesday, 10 June 2015 18:39 posted by Latasha

    I am so thankful I came across this blog. After 15 years of being married, I just recently realized that I am married to a high level abusive narcissist. It's been hell and I don't wish this experience on my worse enemy.

  • Comment Link judy phillips Wednesday, 27 May 2015 11:21 posted by judy phillips

    Thank you so much for this wonderful information! I've been with my husband for 31 years. I never thought of him as a true narcissist until I started searching for answers to why he is so mean to me. I look back and see now that his behavior in the beginning was like it is now only milder, I just didn't see it for what it truly was! This is my 3rd marriage and I tell myself no more divorces, see it through. We've been married 28 years and I still feel like I don't know the man like a wife should! I've left countless times but always come crawling back like a whipped dog, which only makes life worse. He does drink about once a week and was taking pills with his beer till he didn't even know who I was until April 30th. He got so messed up he put bruises on my arms from grabbing me and telling me he wanted to kill me! I left when I got away from him with no intention of ever going back; this time! Long story short guess where I am; right back with him! I was gone for 27 days before he broke down crying, begging me to come home. BTW, he has NO family at all so I'm all he has. Told me just what I wanted to hear for years, said he'd change and I truly believed him. He did stop taking the pills but still drinks and for about 10 days things were good but he quickly fell into his old routine of being King of everything again. I started doing a lot of things different like he wanted to, "make it work", and he only stopped taking the pills, as far as I know, and soon I realized what a sucker I'd been again, making me doubt myself and he just goes about his merry, miserable way. I know someday I'll be strong enough and financially able to leave and NOT come back! I truly look forward to that day. I do love him but am finding out that he doesn't love me except when it suits him! Wish I could tell all but that's a book! My children won't have anything to do with me anymore and I can't see my youngest grandchildren because I came back to him, very, very sad! I've given it my all and pray I have the courage to someday just walk away forever. Thank you for spreading the word about this widespread problem and your true experience, I have a much better understanding thanks to you and all the posts. Good luck to all of us living this kind of life, if that's what you want to call it, and pray we all find solutions to stop the madness.

  • Comment Link robana Friday, 22 May 2015 09:38 posted by robana

    excellent article so very true can i share something also

  • Comment Link jazzy Wednesday, 20 May 2015 20:29 posted by jazzy

    I was not sure what was going on until the word drop in my spirit Narcissistic and I had no ideal what it was and started reading. the things he would do with cause me to go into shock and be soo exhausted that I could not fiqure out what was wrong with me, because it was never him, he recently after telling me how much I meant to him and we have been married for 10 years . We had just two days had a wonderful day and I get a letter that he wants to file again becasue he did this now twice, for divorce well after remaining calm and taking my power back I simply reacted calmly and told him if thats how he feels fine go for it and continued my day ....I don't understand the shocker this is sad and he acts like he is doing nothing wrong the stuff he says and does and his family turns the other check ....this is very draining

  • Comment Link chely5150 Wednesday, 20 May 2015 05:43 posted by chely5150

    There is a sign on our patio that I bought for him, it says

    "I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong".

    I think that says it all.

  • Comment Link Tammi G Friday, 15 May 2015 12:29 posted by Tammi G

    I'm living under same roof with soon to be Ex husband. We run own and operate two businesses together. For years he's been belittling me, screaming matches, berating me in front of customers. He tells every one the property we live in is HIS inherited property. I have not collected a decent paycheck since 2009. While his son and son's gf live in duplex rent free for 11 years. I'm sick to my stomach. Half my income went to paying HIS mortgage on HIS inherited property. He told me for years that I was not deserving of knowing HIS family. And they can attack me any way they liked. September 2014 I had him arrested for domestic violence. He's turned both of my adult biological daughters against me. He's a alcoholic, sex addict and sociopath. He has 8 women he's sleeping with from San Diego to Van Nuys. He's Dr. Jekyll Mr Hyde. He hid my grandmothers cookbook with home recipes. He stole my daughters wedding pictures. He has no respect for me or my things. I lost my townhouse, so his son could live in his inherited property for free. I'm going to vomit

  • Comment Link Miki Friday, 15 May 2015 06:50 posted by Miki

    Please miah, do not marry. No matter what plans have been made, or who you'll feel you'll disappoint will never come close to the long anxiety filled horrible phony life you'll live with him. 23 years of devotion has ruin me and my self esteem. I'm trapped even though I finally had the nerve to divorce him 2 years ago. He claimed my wonderful son as a pawn, and created a never land like environment for him and all of his teenage friends that no child would ever leave. He also has the fear of disappointing dad, and being stripped of his lifelong fortunate lifestyle. So here I am back at what's now just HIS home because I could not bear the time that I was kept from my child. I felt it was worse than the death and torture he routinely threatened me with. I live semi civilly with him, but now must stay silent about all issues because any parental disagreement or other wise will be met with, get the F out of my house. Which only results in not being with my son. I feel I need to protect him from the wrath of his father for any lack of perfection on his part. I also fear that the influence could make him grow up to be the same frightening manipulating nonfeeling monster. Run as fast as you can. If you have no money, you will reinvent yourself. It's not worth any amount. It's definitely not worth you paying with your peace and happiness. You will have none with him. I'm sorry.

  • Comment Link Rusty A.Lang Monday, 04 May 2015 23:11 posted by Rusty A.Lang

    After nearly 19 years of abuse, rejection, coercion, etc etc I was finally able to say to myself my husband has a mental problem. But what was it?? Finally Narcissistic personality fits the bill to a T. Having studied the abusive cycle and made adjustments to live with this understanding I was depleted, exhausted from all the compliance to maintain an atmosphere of balance for my husband..then I read about the narcissistic personality. Thank you for the pro-active steps given. I have been applying most out of my own wisdom and common sense but appreciate knowing I am on the right track to learn to live with this person. I am finally accepting that his lack of care is not going to change unless God does a miracle and I am re-gaining my confidence. I also realised that though I am a strong person, having a husband of this nature made it easy for others to control me as well. I am making moves to change this and though these people are having difficulty accepting this - calling me independent etc, I can live with that. I am finally becoming comfortable in my own skin and have written an autobiography - a personal narrative on my whole life (I am 72) which will be released soon (under a pen name) and there is a chapter on our marriage included. Bless you heaps.

  • Comment Link andy R Sunday, 03 May 2015 15:57 posted by andy R

    Thanks for the points, My marriage has been absolute hell with my wife, I have 2 children and another on the way. I have been blamed for destroying her life because of our 3rd child on the way, The temper tantrums are out of control and everytime I go to walk away she runs to the door and blocks me from leaving, trying to intimidate me more. She doesn't care when arguing in front of our kids and even if they are screaming she yells. This is only one of the many problems she causes. Trying to kick me out of the house etc. The list goes on, then she acts like there was no problem the next day. I am exhausted, I am mentally drained and depressed and developed a very strong anxiety disorder because of it. I am seriously considering moving into a campervan just to get away from it all. I have offered counselling but of course its me thats the problem, never her, She always takes my words then uses them against me saying that she's the victim. Anyway my advice, don't even bother trying to be in a relationship with a narcissist because at the end of the day your just punishing yourself. Sorry to sound blunt but thats what Im going threw.

  • Comment Link Stephen DiCillo Saturday, 02 May 2015 12:00 posted by Stephen DiCillo

    I am just learning after 30 years of therapy that I attract narcissists all across the board. I am suddenly aware of the dangers in front of me dealing with a brother who is a complete dangerous narcissist a father and mother who is. I have been the "scape goat". Even though i am the eldest in family i suddenly am frighten of my brothers honesty in handling up coming inheritance issues . I am completely disillusioned with the psychotherapy field in the fact that over all these years no one brought any of this up. Are there strategies i can use in making sure that i will end up with what is right fully mine in regards to inheritance .

  • Comment Link GodIsGood Friday, 01 May 2015 06:48 posted by GodIsGood

    Knowledge is power. It's very reassuring to see other people are dealing with this too. I haven't left yet... but definitely will. Every time I think he's coming to his sences... He has an outburst... I'm so done

  • Comment Link LL2 Tuesday, 28 April 2015 13:12 posted by LL2

    I wish it were that simple to just leave but it's a whole life of 25 years - friends, children, habits.I am trying to readjust my expectations and be responsible for my own happiness. This is great help reading everyone's experiences and knowing I'm not really alone in this. Thanks!

  • Comment Link Gwendoline Monday, 27 April 2015 11:03 posted by Gwendoline

    Married to a narcissistic man for 25 years tried everything impossible to live with managed to claw my way out of situation soon as you recognise the behavior run like the wind....

  • Comment Link krush Monday, 27 April 2015 04:51 posted by krush

    This is my ex wife totally wasted 20 years with her because I had 3 beautiful kids. She is a histrionic narcissist which is even worse. Spoke I'll of me to her friends and family and she flirted and tried to seduce many male friends ailnd family members I later found out. She'd always lie about it though and say she was innocently doing while crying when confronted begging me not to kick her out nor divorce her. She was extremely attractive and spent 90% on grooming herself all day long while I was mr. Mom and working etc. Being the oldest of 8 siblings I was always able to be that big brother who played sports, and had all the friends but also could do everything else like cook clean babysit fix things..I'm very proactive and just get anything done that needs to be done .. the bottom line is I ducked up by enabling her to continue her ways while using my kids as my reason for not breaking up the family. There was family when every outing activity is just me and my kids. Leaving when my 2 old boys were 17 and 16 and my bay girl 13 was the best thing I could have ever done. My kids thank me for alway being there for them and my daughter chose to live with me because she says her mother is a promiscuous wore who hits no her brothers friends although she's like 25+ years older than them and it disgusts her. My boys love their mother but always tell me that they wish I would have taken all 3 of them and run away from her years earlier. Anyways my family (siblings and cousins) all say they've never seen me happier and notice me and did my kids are just so alive and vibrant and extended family functions now without her showing up or tagging along. If you are with a narcissist. .. get away as early as you can. You can never get those years back

  • Comment Link Elodie Friday, 24 April 2015 16:38 posted by Elodie

    All this totally struck a chord. Know the guy for 12 years, we split up in '06 and got back together two years ago. Outgoing, charismatic, good-looking, but someone who only has very superficial relationships with his 'friends'.
    There have been a couple of incidents for which he was responsible, but blamed me for him. I 'made him kiss that woman', it was 'my fault'.
    While i know very well that I am not to blame for his actions, it is incredibly hurtful and also infuriating to be at the receiving end of this.

    I realise i have just repeated what this article very aptly touched upon and contributors have echoed...

    There is one thing that makes all this even more painful: what if i encouraged this behaviour in him? Would he have treated another woman in the same way? Those questions haunt me.

    My confidence is not sky-high right now but those thoughts that he might have lashed out on me because I am me are very troubling and make i how feel about the whole exoerience even worse.

  • Comment Link T.C. Wednesday, 22 April 2015 14:30 posted by T.C.

    This blog is likely going to save my confidence and life. Thank you

  • Comment Link Kristy DeLorme Saturday, 18 April 2015 19:56 posted by Kristy DeLorme

    I love this article I know without a doubt my Husband has this disease and I just want to help him if I can before we end up divorced

  • Comment Link Lucky18 Friday, 17 April 2015 20:06 posted by Lucky18

    This is a fantastic article. I got out of my marriage to a narcissist 3 years ago. This article describes my marriage perfectly and the tips are right on. My mother was a narcissist & I went right ahead and married one too!
    I haven't read all the comments, maybe someone has mentioned this: staying in a marriage with a narcissist for the children is a terrible idea. Don't teach your children to ever accept that behavior. It is painful to send my daughters (ages 11 and 13) to spend time with their narcissist father without me there to protect them, but it is damage that would have likely been done had I stayed. At least this way I can teach them & show them how not to accept the behavior, that there isn't anything wrong with them, that it's him. The best thing we can do for our children is #1 love them and #2 love ourselves so they will learn how to love themselves. I don't say this lightly or without understanding how incredibly difficult and scary it is to leave a marriage with young children. I looked at my daughters and couldn't bare the thought of them living in a house with so much unhappiness any more. They deserved better. They deserved the best I can be and I deserved to enjoy their childhood as well. The only way to do that was to leave. It's been hard & painful & scary at times. But living in a household where we don't worry who will walk through the door when he decided to come home, a household where there isn't constant tension has been worth every scared, painful moment. Please, if you can find the strength, leave.

  • Comment Link Tracy Friday, 17 April 2015 03:51 posted by Tracy

    Oh my god thank you . This article helped me so much .

  • Comment Link Cheyenne Thursday, 16 April 2015 18:02 posted by Cheyenne

    I had no idea such a personality disorder existed until after I got married. I had noticed a few changes in him after we had been dating for awhile. I noticed the lack of empathy and mean remarks that had no cause to be said. He sure loved my money tho. He has ran up a high limit card twice leaving me holding the bag. I unfortunately am very much in love with him even when he is mean. Because of some books on how to handle spouses with NPD, our relationship is ok. Do not let him near your money or credit cards. No remorse whatsoever about taking what you have. Keeps you dependent on them. Arguing with him is useless because he is never wrong but because of what I learned, I grew a thick skin and his meaness goes in 1 ear and out the other. Only way I stay sane.

  • Comment Link Sonia R Wednesday, 15 April 2015 03:26 posted by Sonia R

    Great article; being in such relationship I always ended up blaming myself and hurting myself. This article is an eye opener.....Thankyou!!

  • Comment Link em Sunday, 12 April 2015 02:59 posted by em

    I just watched a movie with my son and they showed a robot hugging someone for comfort and support and i lost it because I had forgotten what that feels like. This article is amazing, but I am still slowly dying inside.

  • Comment Link Gtt Friday, 10 April 2015 03:34 posted by Gtt

    No comments, just sick of the negativity, criticism, insensitivity, dismissive, invalidating attitudes, silent treatments, temper flares, disrespectful responses and displays of anger at me in public for 40 years. He has completely stolen any romantic feelings from this marriage and that's what I live with day in day out.

  • Comment Link 40in04 Saturday, 04 April 2015 21:24 posted by 40in04

    Took me a long time to find the exact description of who Im married to, and narcissist fits him perfectly. Now that i know what I'm dealing with and im none of the names he has called me, that ive caused none of the bullshit I've put up with the past 7 years, that his comments of how I used to be hot and have let myself go or that the day he buries me will be a day of celebration...none of this is my fault or a reflection on me. I've lost myself thru all of this but i feel her coming back! I sat down and figured out a financial plan. It will take me 1.5 years from now, but then ladies, I am out. Gone. Finito. Done with such bullshit I could never have imagined and now we all live it. Pull up your bootstraps. Make a plan. Get out. I am 51 yrs old, married 7 yrs. First, and I can guarantee you, last marriage. They will never change. They dont want to. They like treating us the way they do because it makes them feel good. Alcoholic on top of narcissist just intensifies everything tenfold. I look towards freedom as my goal.

  • Comment Link Jenny Thursday, 02 April 2015 22:11 posted by Jenny

    I have been married to a narcissist for 11years, as usual, he swept me off my feet with his kindness and show of live, he even told me he had always wanted to marry me since the day he first set eyes on me. 6 months after we got married I started seeing his true colours, he has dragged me of the car once and ordered me back in when I went knocking on someone's door. He once said I was rude to him in front of his sister and slapped me so many time that my nose started to bleed, he then emptied a packet of masked potato on my hair, he waited 3 days before he came begging and crying to be forgiven. Because I though he was the person he pretended to be I forgave him but never blamed myself. A year after he slapped me again in the car because he though I was rude to him. This time I left home and he came looking for me 5days after. Stupidly I went back. Now I realise that was a mistake as since then we have now had 3 beautiful kids and they are so happy and intelligent that I do not want to disrupt them in anyway. I kept trying to change things about myself thinking that I had a problem. I have had a few long relationships in the past before I married him and none of my ex has ever complained about me being anything like he says, they were sad to let me go and I sometimes I think God is punishing me for breaking the hearts of these lovely people. I am a strong, confident, intelligent and beautiful woman but he is not confident and also does not know how to handle situations without aggression. His friends usually use and dump him once they have gotten what they need off him. He has never really had relationships and told me he slapped his ex because she cheated on him, well this was after we got married. I know he is from a broken home and witnessed a lot of abuse and I did try to help him make the best out of his life. His late mum used to tell me so much about how his dad was so abusive to her and how much she hated him, I am so scared because I do not want to end up being that way or being bitter, I am normally very quick to forgive and don't hold grudges no matter what people do to me. I showed him so much love, support and care but he abused it all. Now that I am standing up for myself and not taking anymore of his rubbish, he uses the silent treatment and would sometimes not talk to me for months just to show me.... He will not do things expected of him even if it concerns the children . He is so mean and wicked that I wonder how God ever created such a human beast. He hates to be corrected or stood up to in anyway, yet he can be so disrespectful and rude. He is always right . He stopped being violent after the 2nd incident 9 years ago, but I know that if he ever tried anything as little as a push, I will get him locked up quickly, especially now that I know more about narcissist. Unfortunately my friends and family thinks he is a perfect gentleman but I have told a few of them and he has also given himself away in some situations. Am a Christian and my parents keep saying pray for him but I am not In love with the person i am with anymore because he is not the person I thought I married. It's really sad people have to deal with narcissist spouses. I am so tired of this marriage cos they are draining.

  • Comment Link kris61 Thursday, 26 March 2015 03:21 posted by kris61

    Jedi princess, if he runs away with your friend, he will be back soon enough, so decide now whether you will want him back in your life. Sometimes losing the comfy life with children and wife is enough to make even a narcissist reconsider their values.
    If he goes, do your best to be cheery and do some self help and look up some stuff on inner child healing etc as you seem to not just have chosen a narc for a husband but your best friend is also a vampire.

  • Comment Link Tuesday, 24 March 2015 06:28 posted by

    I have been with my bf for 15 years. We lived in my house. I found him his job. From the beginning he always had a temper, as does his father. Yelling, punching walls, throwing things- but never violent. Then I started my own business with my ms my families money- he didn't want to work for this business, which was fine. I still worked my regular job along with the new venture. It alley became successful to where we moved to a better home with the business front on site. He got a few side jobs. Usually quitting, getting laid off, etc. Meanwhile, the better I was doing, the nastier he got. He Began name calling, taking credit for things he had nothing to do with, fights about money were daily, name calling became common place.

    He stopped what little inatamacy there was, and the talk of finally getting married was dead in the water. He began embarrassing me infront of friends. Family and clients, we rarely go out and I walk on eggshells all the time.

    He takes credit for everything and all the bad is blamed on me. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because his reality and actual reality are diametric opposites.

    I'm no longer happy, I've learned not to fight back, but ignoring his rage and fights is almost as much effort as participating. He has been a little physcical on a couple occasions, grabbing and shoving and I told him I would drop him and call the cops so fast should he ever lay a hand on me again. We will see how that goes.

    I see the correlation between the relationships dynamic change with my businesss success, and it doesn't take therapy to see he's threatened by success and is taking credit for things and putting me down to keep control. The better I do and the more people "like" me, the more he puts me down. I know it's a weird control thing. I'm am just at a point that I don't know if I care enough anymore to try and make it better. I desperately love and miss the man I loved so long ago. But it's almost like things can't be unsaid and I don't know if I want to be with someone that is so determined to knock me down.

    I have asked for couples therapy, anger management for him, really anything where we could get an impartial party to perhaps shed light onto his begavior( when I say anything, I'm a crazy bitch and I'm the problem and how he acts is a direct result of something I have said or done- you know the song and dance....) and he refused to even consider he may need help. I want to be married and have kids. I'm not getting any younger and while the thought of throwing away a relations ship that's been a part of me for so long literally scared me and breaks my heart, deep down I know I deserve better. Hell, being alone would even be better than this some of the time.

    I just don't know what to do. Reading articles like this help, it's good to see in black and white things that are literally going On as I read, and knowing I'm not insane and that this is actually a thing. It's reassuring to read others stores and to feel something click when your reading list and begavior traits and know that's happening to you.

  • Comment Link Lena Friday, 20 March 2015 17:50 posted by Lena

    I wish I would of known my husband was a narcisist sooner, before I made such life changing decisions. I recently withrew my retirement fund after 21 years of state service. He was so unhappy, and we were in a financial crisis at the time. After 2 years we were broke again. And he totally forgot about the truck I bought him and the nice vacations we took the family on. Narcacists are hard to please. Im done trying to make him happy. Its about me now.

  • Comment Link lena Friday, 20 March 2015 02:54 posted by lena

    I thank god for articles like this. I don't have many friends, I have no one to talk to. Therefore I suffer in silence. My husband is on a gym kick, which was my idea, everyday he has to announce that he's been to the gym and how soar he is. And he will brag that not everyone can go the gym. Like he's so freaking special?

  • Comment Link Rita Wilson Thursday, 19 March 2015 05:24 posted by Rita Wilson

    Mt narcissistic husband gas bn running mu life dor a l most 4 years. Thispast year wss the worst year of myself life now I kno because offense theses article wat to lookin foe hoe to respond n react n that he cant wIn unless I let let him

  • Comment Link KayB Sunday, 15 March 2015 21:59 posted by KayB

    He will treat her the same way. He will be a knight in shining armor until he catches her. When she is firmly insnared he will show h true colors. You do not love this man you love the perception of the man he made you believe that he was. You were scammed and duped. He played you and you fell for the act. Him leaving is your salvation. This is not a nice person. Be glad he's leaving. I wish I could get mine to leave.

  • Comment Link Jedi Princess Saturday, 14 March 2015 23:49 posted by Jedi Princess

    This is so exactly my husband that I have loved with all my heart for nearly 15 years and still do, we have 4 wonderful beautiful children, he is co-owner of a very successful company, he is the best at everything he ever tries to do, I homeschool our four children and they will obviously each be very successful in whatever they plan to do in life.

    Although I do see every bit of this to be so true in our whole life together, it is now only the past year and a half that major problems begin to appear because I have just let him walk all over me and taken the blame to make him successful. Now he's threatened to leave and run away with my best friend, that he has fallen head over heels in love with because there is supposedly "exactly" the same as eachother.

    If he does leave me, which I'm praying he does not, i will be able to keep the house and will keep homeschooling our children on the wonderful farm we live on, only because I know he will have to pay me alimony and child support, that will just be enough to cover the mortgage and we grow all our own food including milk, eggs, meat and vegetables.

    Now that this is what he has planned to leave and run away with my best friend,my question is will he last with this best friend of mine that he is running away with? or will he end up treating her just like he treated me and she will run away because I know I have put up with all of this he is given me, for some reason, I have no idea why sometimes, I still love him with all my heart.

  • Comment Link Caroline Saturday, 14 March 2015 09:22 posted by Caroline

    Oh my goodness!!! This is my husband all over.
    We've been together for 6 years and now coming up to our 2nd Anniversary. Soon after he changed, putting me down in front of people, wanting to argue, playing mind games, his selfishness he's so self centred, and the lies oh my well its ridiculous. You would have thought I was living with an 18 year old, but no he's 45... I just sometimes wonder what on earth I've done, what have I done to deserve this its heart breaking, and now my love is spreading very thin. I thought when I get married it would be for life but I don't know how long I can put up with this for... im 40 now, and I feel im just existing!!! oh well.... onwards and upwards... PS: Count me in on the support group :)

  • Comment Link perla Friday, 13 March 2015 23:51 posted by perla

    Thats my husband and am trapped cuz i dont want to let him take away my 2 girls a 3 years and another just 2 months and my question even if i left and loved someone else how can i be sure he is not a narcist too!! Am afraid to live

  • Comment Link Rebecca Wednesday, 11 March 2015 17:37 posted by Rebecca

    I've been with my narcissist for 10 years, and it's weird how it's changed over the years. He's classic narcissist, but I've seen him "get better" sort of. He uses the same defense mechanisms with people beyond me (my family namely) and I've now lost ties with my brother and my niece because of it. But he's done anger management classes and is infinitely better than he once was. His problem is that he refuses to dig into the historical why's of it. I know his issues root back to his parents. But suggestions of doing any regression therapy to deal with those has been fruitless. Nevertheless, he's never been unfaithful, nor called me names. Where we tend to have issues is with him requiring his own money, barricading himself in his office playing games and ignoring us when it's "family time". The tantrums are what sent him to anger management. I had enough, and threatened to leave. He finally gave in and went. He learned that there were people out there with things way worse than he had it, and it made him appreciate things a lot more at home. We get better by inches, but then ugly things like snide comments within earshot of the people I love about the people I love is how he's trying to distance me from a support system. I honest to god don't think he even realizes this is what he's doing. It's how he was raised by manipulative parents. I too want to leave more often than I think I ought to, but I have NO idea how to do that. He's just good enough in the other ways to keep me loving him. When I want to leave, it's not out of hatred or loathing on my part, it's strictly about needing that breathing space. No idea what to do or where to go next, but it's good to see I'm not the only one living with one.

  • Comment Link maria Tuesday, 10 March 2015 00:32 posted by maria

    Wow. This was very eye opening I needed it

  • Comment Link KayB Monday, 09 March 2015 17:27 posted by KayB

    I have realized two things from researching narcissistic personality. First, this man was not the love of my life. I fell in love with an illusion. I fell in love with the man he pretended to be not the man he really was. I was scammed. That in it's self is freeing. I'm no longer sad about the loss of a great love because there was never a great love.
    Secondly, This man is truly the only person I have ever really hated and I give myself permission to hate him.

  • Comment Link Lozz Thursday, 05 March 2015 09:23 posted by Lozz

    Jessica, Amber I can't believe my eyes! The story sounds all too familiar. It's sad because I have given 19 of my best years and allowed this man to literally take my life. He looked like a little boy who lost his toy when I broke down and refused to converse. I have made the decision to take my life back and he can have his shitty one without me(the best thing that ever happened to him) and our 3 daughters, our youngest is 7 months old. I didn't think it was possible, but I just realized I hate this man!

  • Comment Link Sandrine Thursday, 05 March 2015 05:20 posted by Sandrine

    It's sad, but this is a perfect description of my husband... We're married since 2010, have a beautiful 3 years old son...
    i'm suffocating. I'm sad, angry, i have lost my self-esteem, i'm transparent. I'm walking on egg shells every single day, and my son has to do so too, or dad loose it and yells.
    I'm totally dependant of him right now,which make the situation more complicated... i feel totally trapped. I wanna leave, i wanna live, have my smile back, and forget about this unhealthy relationship. most of all, i want my son to grow in a peaceful environment and NOT follow the example of his dad.

  • Comment Link Been There Wednesday, 04 March 2015 12:22 posted by Been There

    Bad advice to stay with a narcissist. A person in a narcissist life always is a victim and is not a wife, husband or girl or boyfriend. There is no relationship and to suggest otherwise is hurtful to the victims of these drstructive self-absorbed people. The best advice (unfortunately not given above) is once to identify a narcisist RUN! away and stay away as fast as you can!

  • Comment Link KayB Wednesday, 25 February 2015 04:03 posted by KayB

    Where do I start. I've been married for almost 23 years to this man. He was the most charming, handsome, loving man I had ever met. He was the love of my life. I totally surrendered my body and soul to him. Then the craziness started. Over the years he has killed my love, taken my soul and my self-esteem. The "look", the put downs, the games, the constant anger and disapproval have just worn me down. I live every day just trying to stay out of trouble. Of course to outsiders he is Mr. Wonderful. My girlfriend's all think he's am amazing husband. His friends thinks he's a great guy. Today he did something so controlling and underhanded it rocked every sensibility I have.

    My question to all you ladies is: Are these men conscious of their actions? Do they plan and scheme? Or does it come as second nature to them. Are they clueless of the pain a carnage they leave in their wake?

  • Comment Link Olivia Chavoen Tuesday, 24 February 2015 20:54 posted by Olivia Chavoen

    Great description of my boyfriend/baby's father. I feel very trapped and have let myself ensure and do things I have already been thru and regreted. The fact that he is my child's dad keeps me with him because he is really great with her. Howver he is habitually umployed, a generally negative person,and definitely tries to make me feel like I am a piece of crap probably so I won't leave him because I will feel like no one will want me. Which works at times. My ob out me in antidepressants 7 months postpartum because I was a crying mess all of the time. I refuse to get off of them until we are broken up. I am worried and petrified of what the future will hold whether I stay with him or leave him. He broke his collar bone recently and I'm planning to get him through this hard time and I will be further in school as well. Very confusing time for me.

  • Comment Link christina Tuesday, 24 February 2015 20:00 posted by christina

    This is for Miah. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! Get out now. He will never change. It only gets worse. I have been married to a narc for 24 years. I only stay for our 13 year old son (in order to protect him) and I constantly question if I am doing the right thing. Find a man that is capable of being in a relationship. You can do it.

    Narcs are unable to meet the needs of others or to be in a healthy relationship. He will not change. Believe me, if you marry him, you will no longer love him in a couple of years after he has destroyed you.

    When you leave him, be prepared for him to change his personality for a brief time in order to win you back. He will tell you everything that you want to hear (lies). But this will be short lived until he gets you under his control again. There will be no change, just manipulation. I have experienced this numerous times, before and after marriage. Break it off hard and fast and do not continue speaking with him. This is your future. Don't ruin it by marrying a narc.

    I regret that I married my husband every day. I know that I could have found an amazing man that would have loved and cared for me and our children. But I blew it by being naive and not paying attention to all the warning signs. Run now!

    If you haven't read Joe's post on 9/19/14 please do.

  • Comment Link holbrookc3 Sunday, 22 February 2015 01:27 posted by holbrookc3

    I just added a comment recognizing that your discription is my hubby. So, I have been somewhat relieved that I'm not alone in being married to a narc. I now understand his dark ways. My thought is, , ow did our narcs become this way? Their upbring, huge betrayal, not enough attention as a do understand their situation to understand their ways?
    How do we parents avoid raising a narc?
    It is good to receive coping tips to live with a narc, but this has to stop! Kind, loving, brillant, attractive spouses are being bullied and dragged down as adults. My spirit as a wife (mostly), myself, and joy has been darken and dragged down for the first time in my life. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I do for my husband. I don't want that!!! Will my daughters find a man like their father????,

  • Comment Link holbrookc3 Sunday, 22 February 2015 01:11 posted by holbrookc3

    Wow! I can't believe how much the descriptionand the behavior of narc describes my husband. Control, taturms, defiant, name calling, secrets, "his money, he can spend it how he wants" credit cards that I have no access to the statements, he drinks too often and becomes more angry, smokes, porn, cheats, shows the world he's prince charming........AND GOES TO CHURCH!!!!!! UGH!!!! No harmony in our home when he is there. I must find the courage to try not to reason with him and walk away. I always feel that if I can only explain my opinion or reason he may understand....ha that has never happend unless he makes out to be his idea.
    Thank you for the tips.....I must have the co

  • Comment Link maxine Thursday, 19 February 2015 21:06 posted by maxine

    Thank you all for your comments they have helped me recognise what is going on in my last life. I knew my husband was a narrsatist but I forgot because he always keeps me so occupied. I am constantly defending my actions and thoughts - trying hopelessly to make him happy so he will just be no nice to me and we can have peace in our home - but it only ever lasts a few days.

    The hardest thing is after years of being told how lucky you are to have them, how you fell on your feet, how you could never manage without them - you don't even know where to start to rebuild your life without them there. Even on the days they storm out and leave for the night, the silence is defening- no tantrum - no dramas - its hard to fill the void.

  • Comment Link Amber Thursday, 19 February 2015 21:03 posted by Amber

    To Jessica:

    You could be me! Just passed 17 years with mine last year. When I finally stood up to him and his antics he went right out and cheated on me. I told him he had to go. Which turned into "you pushed me away" so his leaving is now my fault. I feel like I am in the twilight zone lol. We should create a Facebook group and we can all vent there! Find me on Facebook, Amber Knoll Jackson, Florida. I would love to share my experiences and learn from others!!!

  • Comment Link Jessica Tuesday, 17 February 2015 21:51 posted by Jessica

    I go back and forth between periods of self pity and feeling like I could give a damn if he comes or goes. I'm a very strong willed person so my narc hangs onto me for dear life. I've been with him for over 18 years of misery. An emotional roller coaster. I'm pretty well over the nonsense. He does his best to make me feel like an incompetent loser. I don't feel now, nor have I ever believed myself to be stupid. When he calls me stupid, I hang up the phone or walk away. When I get angry with him for ignoring and neglecting his family, he tells me to calm down. He's an expert at deflecting. I'm not sure I believe he's cheated on me because I do believe he loves me, in his way. It's almost to the point of obsession. He accuses me of cheating, constantly. He's on this kick right now of telling me that we don't support how hard he works and that we're unappreciative of all he does for us. I could say thank you until my tongue falls off and it would never be enough. He tries to control me, at every turn. I told him if he was looking for a subservient, he got the wrong woman. I'm fed up, to my eyeballs. @legnac, I could have written your story. How do we get a support group together to vent and come together?

  • Comment Link Boop Monday, 16 February 2015 19:28 posted by Boop

    To Miah,
    I have been married to a Narcissist for 50 years and am just now learning about Narcissism. Believe me, it has caused havoc so many times, and major things. It has almost destroyed our children as well. I can only tell you that if you haven't gone through with this marriage I would get out while you can. There are plenty of healthy men and women out there. It will only get worse until you have no ability to make your own choices in what you do, or if you do something you feel guilty for doing something without your husband or without his approval. It is very controlling and oppressive. Please re-think your life now, before it is too late.

  • Comment Link I Can Handle My Own Tuesday, 10 February 2015 17:35 posted by I Can Handle My Own

    I have the same problem until one day I stumbled on the word narcisissim and realized my husband has a narcissistic personality disorder. From that point forward, I read every book I could on narcissism. The book, "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin is the bible of narcisissm. After reading this book, I was able to understand my husband and now know how to arm myself when his source of supply is depleted.

  • Comment Link Miah Monday, 09 February 2015 15:19 posted by Miah

    I am replying to affirmalways. I would like to join a support group with you. I am about to marry my narcissist and I need to see if I should even go through with the marriage. I love this man dearly, but he is destroying my self image, which wasn't the greatest to begin with. I just want him to support me, but he gives none. And looks down on me, yet says he doesn't, and he rolls his eyes at me, yet says he doesn't. I just don't know how to get through to him, or is there even hope for that? Please let me know how we can get in a support group for this! Thank you!

  • Comment Link legnac Sunday, 08 February 2015 14:19 posted by legnac

    I'm certainly trying to deal with it. I don't like a bully and never have. I feel like sometimes I have to defend my girls and his own family from him. I love him even though he makes it difficult. What I been doing is calling him on some of his actions when he reacts to something in a way where he complained about someone else doing that same thing. He called my youngest irresponsible for misplacing her charger to her phone, but when the car keys feel out his pockets, he didn't do it on purpose. He didn't like how I made him feel like he did it on purpose. I told him mistakes happen but then I asked him what makes him different then our youngest.

    This thing of trying to hold a conversation with him that could turn into an argument just cause he doesn't want to be "interrogated" is working my nerves. I told my Pastor I'm no longer stroking his ego or treating him like a child. One of the biggest challenges for me an argumentative person is saying what I have to say, hearing his side and walking away but I have grown to like this new me. I then get the "he isn't appreciated". I gave a heads up to our therapist because in prior sessions for 6 months narcissism didn't come up but I'm sure he saw it. I never said anything about it because I didn't want to feel like I'm attacking him or to give him a reason to cheat or lie, but I'm over it. I want a successful marriage/family. The sad part is there is a great man underneath all of this anger.

  • Comment Link Talia Morris Saturday, 07 February 2015 14:19 posted by Talia Morris

    How do you get out of a narcissistic relationship? Even though we got divorced years ago, my npd (presumed) ex managed to keep me in his life by making me his carer, a job for which I get an Australian Carer Payment. I never seem to be able to save enough money to leave and strike out on my own because I spend much of my money on him. We have been together 38 crappy years (or about 10 years longer than Nelson Mandela was in prison). This was definitely a match made in hell.

  • Comment Link Nycemttrs2me Friday, 06 February 2015 18:57 posted by Nycemttrs2me

    Looking for a support system, too. Count me in.

  • Comment Link glory Friday, 06 February 2015 16:35 posted by glory

    Wow, my hubby has DAT great gift of anger.I don't know how to chase him away cos he moved moved in with my 4kids..he says I'm spoiling my kids..I'm tired cos he s a burden to me and my kids as he s unemployed..I regret I allowed him into my home.

  • Comment Link karen eggleston Friday, 06 February 2015 09:37 posted by karen eggleston

    This has helped me no end. Thank you, I finally am able to see my partner for who he is.

  • Comment Link lena Friday, 06 February 2015 04:12 posted by lena

    Omg, this is my husband. I knew something was wrong when he yells during a simple conversation or if I ask him simple question. He was driving me crazy. I'm learning to ignore him now, understanding this disorder makes life liveable.

  • Comment Link maria Thursday, 05 February 2015 16:25 posted by maria

    Thank you! I did not know I was married to a narcissist until I read this. It is very easy to tell someone "just leave him" it is not always possible, basically I am trapped but thanks for the tips about how to cope with this. It was very strange for me that he would never compliment me, he is kind to me but when his family is around he always interrupts me or corrects me when I talk. If I ask how I look he would say: "you dont have anything else to wear?". He never felt compassion for me when I was very sick, for him I was only looking for attention. When an old lady fell on the street he did not even move a finger to help her! OMG at least I can give a name to his personality disorder!!! I left my country for him, all my family and friends, I had to learn a new language and now im stuck in a country I hate.... I will watch out and take good care of my self. I will have to start doing what I never did: ME FIRST! Thanks

  • Comment Link maria Thursday, 05 February 2015 12:03 posted by maria

    Thank you! I did not know I was married to a narcissist until I read this. It is very easy to tell someone "just leave him" it is not always possible, basically I am trapped but thanks for the tips about how to cope with this. It was very strange for me that he would never compliment me, he is kind to me but when his family is around he always interrupts me or corrects me when I talk. If I ask how I look he would say: "you dont have anything else to wear?". He never felt compassion for me when I was very sick, for him I was only looking for attention. When an old lady fell on the street he did not even move a finger to help her! OMG at least I can give a name to his personality disorder!!! I left my country for him, all my family and friends, I had to learn a new language and now im stuck in a country I hate.... I will watch out and take good care of my self. I will have to start doing what I never did: ME FIRST! Thanks

  • Comment Link affirmalways Wednesday, 04 February 2015 19:27 posted by affirmalways

    I am looking for women who need a support system. I have been dealing with these issues if not worse for the past 9 years and I can't speak for everyone else, but I have lost most if not all of my friends mostly because of him. I am learning to move forward and not backward, but doing it on my own doesn't help. I have learned so much about how to deal with things, and about myself as a person and I want to help others to learn how to do the same and honestly find help for myself to keep going. If anyone is interested, just reply.

  • Comment Link Daniel Saturday, 31 January 2015 12:37 posted by Daniel

    Thats the perfect explanation given to my cousin who ill treats my brother-in-law.
    I pity on him as he is atmost suffereing every moment of his life just bearing the blames given by her.
    He actually loves her with all his might yet she keeps threatining him with all nonsense. and the only one that matters to her most are her unworthy parents and her selfish sister. Nobody would just figure she was narcissist unless i searched in the web of such behaviour. Hope this article would help my in-law to push his life evryday.

  • Comment Link Trisha Friday, 30 January 2015 17:32 posted by Trisha

    WOW, you sound so healthy, so independent! are lucky, how long did it take for you to get like that? But are you still in the relationship and learned how to cope or are you divorcing?

  • Comment Link Debi Thursday, 22 January 2015 18:01 posted by Debi

    Joe, a great reality from the narcissist side. Let's all live for joe! Then he'll be ok right? Since there are not any meds that will come close to helping you, why don't you put a sign on your forehead saying STAY AWAY! I'M FREAKING DANGEROUS AND I WILL DESTROY YOUR SOUL!! Then, if someone stays and gets past all your little tests without crumbling, write them a sign saying, I'M AN IDIOT.

  • Comment Link Iris Thursday, 22 January 2015 11:28 posted by Iris

    I thought I was going crazy...I could not figure it out. Everything I have read, indicates I am married to a narcissist. He has so much control over me that I still doubt myself even when I know he is wrong. I love him so much and I feel so sorry for him...but the things he has done to me is unspeakable. He has demonstrated to me that I am not worthy of his love, almost as if I was a charity case. Yet, I know he adores me, if we're to leave him, he would be least for a The emotional roller coaster he has put me has me so unbalanced...I am so depend ant of him...I can't imagine being on my own. My true fear is my son... He is twelve and he feels the same way. I have to do something for him....I just don't know what to do...he is so in love with his father, however he knows that there is something wrong with his father. I can see his frustration-We talk about it sometimes...I am looking for information relating to "how to deal with a narcissistic parent" please if anyone know of a good one, let me is power and it's time my son and I regain power and confront this.

  • Comment Link Raashi Sunday, 18 January 2015 22:22 posted by Raashi

    I have been married to a narcissist for the past 15 years . My coping skills are however now very different than what this article suggests . I'm not subservient to him . I just maintain my distance . I stay out of his way . If he wants to come home late I don't ask him why . If he wants to act like an asdhole I just walk away . I do whatever I want to do . I don't do anything for him anymore . If he is changing clothes I walk away from that room . He uses sex as a weapon ... He abstains from sex with me SO I abstain from sex from him . Thebonlybway to beat these buggers is to do what they do to u . If they shout shout back . If they lie ... Then lie to them . If they try to intimidate u then do the same to them . If they give u the silent treatment ... Ignore them . If they make u feel insecure , make them feel insecure .it works for me beautifully !!!. I am independent . I'm moving on and I'm not licking his ass anymore .

  • Comment Link Kristad Sunday, 18 January 2015 04:49 posted by Kristad

    Wow that's my guy. Ugh. You've given me hope! My youngest is 8 so 10 yrs to go and im outta here...
    Hope i do survive him

  • Comment Link Norma Jean Tuesday, 13 January 2015 20:57 posted by Norma Jean

    I live every day walking on egg shells in order not to set off or "disappoint" my husband. He finds fault with everything I do and if I try to defend myself, then he turns it all around and says that I am putting HIM down. It is exhausting even though I know it isn't me (not that I'm perfect). I am, however, a peacemaker and it is difficult to try to keep the peace with him. I agree with the majority of what you said. However, I would have to say ignoring it does not make it any better. He gets angry over that too. He's angry no matter what I try. If I agree with him, if I'm apologetic, If I try humor. Eventually, I don't care who you are, everyone has a breaking point. When I finally act as screaming crazy as him then he listens but of course he is never wrong and then he acts like I'm the one out of control. I'm exhausted and have used every method I know. I'm at a loss.

  • Comment Link lily Tuesday, 13 January 2015 19:19 posted by lily

    I can relate to every single word of this article!! made my life a mess. Fell in love with a narcissist and married him too. Always tried to blame myself for all the wrong things he does to me. Forgave his every mistake. Was abused menally, physically, financially, emotionally. I dunno what was wrong with me, i always let him hurt me, forgave next minute, was very happy at the smallest amount of love or whatever it was that he showed towards me. I was not like this. He broke my self esteem to such low levels. I was the topper at my class, everybody appreciated me for my nature, people found me attractive. Trying very hard to fall out of his trap. I have been with him for 8 yrs,married since 2yrs. I now know what is actually happening n about his nature. I have moved out and living separately since 2months. But still stuggling a lot to come out of his emotional influence over me.

  • Comment Link Georgina Saturday, 10 January 2015 08:40 posted by Georgina

    Wow Joe, amazing insight.

  • Comment Link Georgina Saturday, 10 January 2015 08:24 posted by Georgina

    As bizarre as it sounds, I feel a sense of relief to discover that my partner will never change. I wake everyday trying to do something different that will bring back the man I fell in love with, but nothing works. We aren't married, we live together and he is financially dependent on me right now. I'm desperate to get out of this but I honestly don't know how. I can't tell him I want out because he just shouts at me and however miserable I am I cannot throw him out onto the street. It's just not in my DNA to do that to another person. He maintains inappropriate relationships with other women albeit he isn't sleeping with them, surely he can't be happy either if he feels the need to connect as he does with these women? How can I get him to end this?

  • Comment Link meg Monday, 05 January 2015 17:29 posted by meg

    I can relate to that about 90%. Don't know what to do!! :(

  • Comment Link Dee Monday, 05 January 2015 10:02 posted by Dee

    Wow. This is my husband to a "Tee". I feel so helpless, useless, deflated, stupid. I feel like my soul has been sucked dry. I used to be a happy positive person, always laughing & looking on the bright side of life. I had goals, ambition & a drive to succeed in life. Now I am just tired, empty & sad. Now I spend every moment on egg shells wondering when I am going to be blamed for the next thing that goes wrong, or told how awful a person I am, and how great he is, called names and pushed around & bullied. I am so depressed. If it wasn't for my beautiful son(who has asperger's syndrome), I would probably just jump off the nearest bridge. My eyes used to sparkle & laugh, now they just look haunted & far away. I feel broken and dead inside. I don't even know how to look at him anymore let alone what to say to him. It will just be wrong anyways. I love him, hate him & feel sorry for him all at the same time. I guess it's time to start doing things for me. Indifference has saved me on many occasion.

  • Comment Link Pedro Saturday, 03 January 2015 20:32 posted by Pedro

    My wife clearly demonstrates malignant narcissistic behaviors. However, I don't blame her as much as her destructive narcissistic parents. Her Dad is the kingpin narcissist while her mother is the abused enabler. At the root of my wife's issues is her longing for love from her parents that they will never give her. Unfortunately she is unable figure this out, so instead me and my immediate family face her wrath everyday. She hates my parents, hypersensitive to everything they do and say. It's strange watching her carry out destructive actions against me and my family at the benefit of her parents. She continues to try to win their love. It's to the pint they don't even have to say anything to her, she knows what they expect from her. It's almost cultish. These are dangerous people. To the other husbands on this thread talking about their wives, please look to their parents, because their parents may be at the root of the narcissism, they may be the actual ringleaders.

  • Comment Link Brigitte Saturday, 03 January 2015 07:13 posted by Brigitte

    Great summary. I have had a traumatising experience and wish i had analysed things earlier. When my monster lost his business (which was 90 % because of his behaviour) he lost his platform which made things worse. Since we worked togetheri became the scapegoat for everything and he had no hesitation to make me suffer financiall and personally. Financial independence is key. He almost broke my back. Today i have learned lots, but it made me lose a lot of precious time. Hint: if you want money from a npd, e.g. Money he owes you, don't argue. Offer it to him telling him that you understand if he has no possibility to pay. He will pay right away because of his sick ego. Since i am completely in his model of smart, good looking and so on, i have learnt to use it instaed of wanting to argue with facts. I AM independent today and back on track and in a different relationship. But the monster is coming back and i manipulate him today to get my money back. I cracked it. It needed 4 years to get the poison out of my soul but it is possible'!

  • Comment Link Erica Wednesday, 24 December 2014 15:26 posted by Erica

    Thank you. This is my life. An absolute and complete nightmare 85% of the time. I've felt like it was my fault and when I started googling information on how to deal with a narcissist I cam across this article. Thank you for posting it. It was nice to be reminded that I matter. Starting today I am going to get my life back.

  • Comment Link Nadine Sunday, 21 December 2014 18:50 posted by Nadine

    Wow. 80% of this article pertains to my husband. We have only been married for one year and I almost feel like I was conned. He has changed so much in the first year; the charm is gone, and there are times when he is downright mean. I have never called him names or cursed at him in an argument; he has basically started F-bombing me, calling me names. I'm so upset!!! This was the man that I swore was my soulmate. The man who bought me flowers every week for a year... Gradually, I have found myself losing any control over my life. Everything we do is what he wants to do, on his time. His son is perfect and my kids are far from it. So what do I do? Everything I have read says people with NPD don't change. Do I divorce him now and save myself the grief? So sad. So torn.

  • Comment Link mommy Thursday, 18 December 2014 09:15 posted by mommy

    Denise, we should talk!

  • Comment Link cyrano Sunday, 14 December 2014 08:33 posted by cyrano

    This is a wonderful description which reminds me of my wife, and excellent recommendations. So, for political correctness, can we have (s)he instead of he?

  • Comment Link Denise Sunday, 14 December 2014 07:49 posted by Denise

    My husband is seriously cruel and terribly mean. He has destroyed my spirit. I allowed him to. I've never been or dealt with a person of this type. I'm deeply sad.

  • Comment Link Rachel Thursday, 11 December 2014 10:23 posted by Rachel

    It's sad, but refreshing to see that other folks are in the same boat as me. I'm currently being infiltrated by the most formidable "male" NPD monster imaginable. After 15 years I couldn't put my finger on their disorder. I've researched disorder after disorder before I stumbled on NPD and he had every trait to a "tee." I continued my research because it empowered me. Then, I made the mistake of telling him he had NPD. Now my NPD monster keeps mocking me by referring to me as "the doctor." haha This is the best NPD article I've come across, it nails it. The plan is simple but powerful. I already know it'll work, I'll read it 1st thing every morning or when the NPD monster gets super angry, (which is every few hours). hahha

    I'm so burned out and boxed in and consumed by this person I'm seriously thinking on leaving altogether. I don't know where I end and they begin ... I don't know who I am anymore and I have no energy. They are sucking my very soul dry. May God help all of us who have an NPD monster. And I thank God for this simple but powerful article on coping.

  • Comment Link Jan Sunday, 30 November 2014 15:27 posted by Jan

    That was great advice. I'm 60, and have been married to him for 18 months. At times I feel as if I'm going crazy. I used to have a high self-esteem. Yet I see it being slowly eroded away. I need my friends to help me stay on track of who I am. He doesn't ever want to have people over, I'm very social, that is a hard one to deal with.

  • Comment Link jd white Saturday, 29 November 2014 01:32 posted by jd white

    I have been married to a narcissist for 21 years. I was at Thanksgiving dinner yesterday when his sister described her ex-husband. I almost got sick and had to leave.

    I am married to a narcissist. Unlike some of the articles I've read, he's not rich and seeking fame and fortune the way commonly expected, but everything else matches. The fame and fortune he's built is all his own (and he'll tell you and me that).

    It's fantastic to finally have put an identity on it. Your articles are great. I'm both "sadder" and stronger than 25 minutes ago. Thank you.

  • Comment Link hannah Wednesday, 26 November 2014 06:00 posted by hannah

    I literally got sick to my stomach when I read this. I'm newly married and never seen this when we were dating until now after a year. He wanted me to stop working I did for a year he , nacelles debit cards on me. I keep reading this to stay strong. I went back to work regain my independence back and sticking up for myself more. Thank you for this article without coming across this I would have never knew the read on why my husband acts the way he does.

  • Comment Link hurting Monday, 24 November 2014 11:35 posted by hurting

    My sister is a narcissistic and have used religion to manipulate me all these years. It was very exhausting all the nasty words she would say to me to manipulate me to do what she wanted me to do. She would blame me for everything, telling me I'm selfish and so on and that everything was my fault. I gave her financial support. I loved her so much that I would have died for her. It broke my heart the day I decided enough was enough and walked away. She found out where I was living and I moved away again. After all these years of leaving, I'm still hurting. These people are opportunist and they will take your every last breath if you let them.

  • Comment Link AAA Saturday, 22 November 2014 02:19 posted by AAA

    Wow have I needed this for about 9 years. Just in time to because I really feel like I'm losing my mind!! I already struggle with a mental illness but I have managed to become pretty successful despite my disease. Things have taken a slow ride further into crazy town than I have ever been in the last 9 years with the man that I love. I constantly blame and question myself bc of my mental disorder but over the past few years things have gotten so blatantly and obviously wrong on his part that even with bipolar it's still easy to see who is manipulating who. I say this speaking from my mind but unfortunately my heart doesn't always remember this!

  • Comment Link Ruth whetsel Thursday, 20 November 2014 19:11 posted by Ruth whetsel

    Thank you for this positive, insightful article. I'm exhausted, and your words give me morale. I'm grateful. R. Whetsel

  • Comment Link Debbie Tuesday, 18 November 2014 07:12 posted by Debbie

    oh boy, how true that all was... I can't believe I've been fooled by my husband for 36 years that it is STILL my fault even when it is HIS!

    I thought it was the end of the world when he left me in February - six weeks after my mother died - for the girl friend he had back in 1976, who he'd been having an affair with while I nursed my 94 yo mother in her last months of her life.

    Now I am remaining firm that we seperate, even though he can't understand why he can't have a wife and a partner because it makes him happy.

    After all, it was all my fault for making him unhappy in the first place by neglecting his needs during those awful months.

  • Comment Link v Wednesday, 12 November 2014 21:14 posted by v

    The details is what kills me. He tells me how to do everything like I am a little kid. I am the woman in the article: highly educated, well liked, attractive,etc.
    It took me five years to realize this is going on. I need prayers of what to do. I have no energy to continue.

  • Comment Link Confident Thursday, 06 November 2014 23:37 posted by Confident

    Yes so this site represents a complete catharsis for me today. Now that I know why my wife acts the way she does, the emotional burden is much lighter. That's because I know I'm much stronger than she is. We
    He was emotionally and physically abused when she was young. Now she's a bonafide Jekyll and Hyde. We're both one foot out the door of a divorce she has acknowledged her baggage. I'm torn about abandoning her or maintaining my health. The stress was pretty bad but now that I know her affliction perhaps I'll stay and see if I can love. She doesn't display any outward affections - just seems hooked on receiving it like crack but doesn't recognize my right to receive at all. Lack of empathy as described. Lack of an ability to see things in the abstract as well apparently. No ability to put themselves in the shoes of others.. I read elsewhere that one coping mechanism is to view your Nars loved one as a challenge, special needs person or science project. Indeed. thank God my self confidence and sence of self worth is FULLY Intact. "Joe's" 19' September post below - excellent, incredibly enlightening yet bone chilling. A must read.

  • Comment Link Ras Thursday, 23 October 2014 15:59 posted by Ras

    Need to find myself again

  • Comment Link Joe Monday, 20 October 2014 00:43 posted by Joe

    I agree with Jim, I think you need to change the wording in this article. My wife is the NPD in this house and everyday its killing a little more of me.

  • Comment Link jim Sunday, 19 October 2014 07:21 posted by jim

    I am tired of so many articles and blogs written to help spouses deaingl with an NPD and ALWAYS categorize them (even when attempting to write with an ambiguous approach) as MEN!
    Ok, statistically studies show most are men, but I would argue that men are just not as comfortable coming out about the abuse of their narcissistic WIVES and therefore statistically men are misrepresented. After all, in my opinion, modern culture forces more women into narcissism then men. Without going any deeper on this secondary issue, I am married, trapped and abused by a narcissistic wife and there is almost nothing on the web other then personal stories on very secluded male websites that offer help and actually write articles with the word "SHE" as the focal point on NPD.
    It's not just women suffering through this and I would also argue that it is much easier for a woman to divorce, seek and gather support and maintain custody of her children when escaping an NPD male. BUT, if we continue to perpetuate that it's "mostly" men with the problem, like in my situation, it just gives my, extremely mentally ill, wife license to blame me for a divorce, turn kids against me, gather support and receive full custody of the kids. This platform of continuously blaming the male gender for carrying the NPD gene... NPD women will use it, as my wife has, to preform all the standard NPD practices and deceptions to destroy me and pass this personality disorder to her children. So, get it right therapists and psychologists... and stop inserting the "HE' and "HIS" all the time and actually write something neutral to truly help everyone!

  • Comment Link Sam Sunday, 19 October 2014 02:15 posted by Sam

    Thank you for this article, I cannot begin to express my gratitude for giving this advice. I had to move backin with my mother after a financial breakdown thinking it wouldn't be as bad as it used to be before I left 3 years prior because when she visited she was always so nice so on so forth. After a year of living away I began to wonder if 19 years of nothing but mind games, arguments, guilt, agrivation ond all out tediousness was my fault because this 'lovely' woman surely couldn't have caused all of that so I must have just been an untolerable, ungrateful, selfish bitch I was always called.
    Then I moved back home with a huge debt weighing over my head. After moving back to my mums and settling in it took a while to get over loosing everything and she was as kind and understanding as I could have hoped for for a month, minus a few small disagreements with her being really patronising, it completely flipped the opposite way. She'd cause huge arguments out of things that 'threterned' her perfect little scedule or image. Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? When my mum asks me to do anything cleaning or tidying related she always asks me if I did it, she doesn't go and inspect it herself and just to test it I've not done things but said I have an she hasn't noticed. The thing is she claims (tells anyone withi earshot) that she's OCD. I Always thought this was a lie and believed she was a control freak because if it was OCD, she wouldn't have to ask as one glance .would be enough confirmation. Since finding out about Narcissism I realised that my gut instinct was right.
    I'm already used to the fact that if I want to do something like have a friend over or want to add a little something to the weekly shopping list (I certainly pay her enough in keep) it's treated like a huge thing and I usually have to do something to earn it and as little as I ask for, there is usually some reason or another to limit, condition or deny my request no matter how trivial (like can I borrow that book thats covered in dust on your bedroom shelf?) And if I argue about it, I get comments like "if you don't like it, there's the door," "now you're asking a bit much there," or most commonly; "well sorry but the world can't revolve around you," which naturally riles up an arguement because it couldn't be a more opposite situation.
    I thought for years after moving out ghat I might just be the selfish, ungrateful bitch who is out to spoil every good thing for everyone else (I remember being spoken to like this when I was 6-7 and it never stopped)
    Just know that you're nothing that they tell you, observe others around you and you'll very quickly find you're probably a lot less of whatever you're beeing called than most people and you don't deserve to be treated the way you are. If you deal with it until you can move on just remember that you will be getting the best revenge (not that it's exactly a healthy or 'good' way of looking at it) on them by watching them as you walk away and never look back, unfortunately they will never learn and move onto their next victim, maybe their next partner/'project' will also be a narcissist and they will get back 10 times more than what they give. It's cynical but when you've been driven to hate someone so much it has it's comforting values until you can escape the cycle.

    Sorry for the long windedness, I wouldn't wish this treatment on my worst enemy other than my mother

  • Comment Link kim Saturday, 18 October 2014 09:57 posted by kim

    i was married to a narcissist for 30yrs he told me what to wear details about how to do makeup how he liked he ordered 100s of high platform boots and leather he was trying to make me into awoman in his dreams it was all done very slowly at first making out he was buying me presents i got sucked in he threatened to leave me if i didnt make him happy i must add i have a chronic pain illness fibromyalgia i couldnt do the things he wanted i tried sooo hard he finally left me by trying to give me back to my elderly disabled parents behind my back he said shes not my responsibility anymore he continues to mess my head i can only get 5pound if i do hes washing im stupid because i cant let go but i must get stronger he tells me not to talk and is so controlling in so many ways i would be on here forever nothing you can do can ever please them he is dating and expects me to have sympathy he said it annoyed him her hair was funny he wants young thin women size 12 is to big by way i realise after 30 yrs this cruel man only cares of his own needs and wants i am going to teach him a lesson if he wants to see me i want respect i will not be his exhausted victim anymore i am left with phsychological trauma but see him for what he is and know it is not me who has problem impossibly sad they pf course blame you for everything i have been a very loyal good wife but when i got ill i couldnt keep up with his unrealistic expectations you can only work on yourself to get self worth back or they will destroy you find some strengh this is your life set boundaries like a child who is rude and has tantrums tell them to come to you when they are more respectful who knows maybe the penny may drop one day

  • Comment Link Bea Tuesday, 14 October 2014 05:00 posted by Bea

    What can be said after such a powerful statement! (Joe’s, Sept. 19)
    It’s so articulate and clairvoyant in the personality traits. It made me see where all the anger in my narcissistic husband can be coming from. Early in our relationship, I used to say that he was like a big bowl or bouquet of sweet, nice and soft things but, in the middle of all that, there was a sharp edge I couldn’t see, a sword hidden and sticking out from time to time on which I would impale myself. I understand now that this was not a young woman’s imagination, the blade does exist.

    Me too, somehow I wish my husband could have written such a piece because it’s so like him, and at the same time, as I sense a deep, beautiful in a way and moving tribute to the partner standing by Joe, I wonder if I can still be that strong… Over the last 20 years, being with my husband is like trying to live with a pussy cat and suddenly realizing you are in fact facing a tiger, a REAL one! First, it’s pure instinct to run away, but for sure I’ll come back; for a relationship that lasts for a while, I wonder how many times the partner has to be “put to the test”-so to speak-.
    To end with a positive and hopefully not too corny note, I have in mind Katie Melua’s song “ 9 Million bicycles in Beijing”; (worth listening, sometimes it seems too simple to be true, but it just is).

    I’ll print and keep Joe's words, it’s far superior and useful to me than anything I heard or read.

  • Comment Link British beef Sunday, 12 October 2014 17:00 posted by British beef

    Hi. I found this article after searching for ways to deal with my new girlfriend. She is the love of my life but we argue...often. There seem to be a lot of double standards at work and she'll often bring up a subject that caused an argument earlier. As soon as I open my mouth I'm "always starting arguments". Searching for info on her behaviour it seems she is a text book narcissist. I'm not looking to recover from the relationship, rather to find a way to make it work.

  • Comment Link Brenda Saturday, 11 October 2014 02:59 posted by Brenda

    Im not totally convinced my husband is a narcist. He thrives on compliments. We are currently separated for a year because if his alcoholism. But resently i googled a "very selfish person" and narcissm came up. Today we have been texting and all the texts are about how much better his production is at work than anyother person. And he also said"its my time to shine" im confused on why he needs affermation and uplifting. I can see how this is exhausting for some people. We have two kids together and my older son. Im trying to get to the bottom of all of this but, the conclusion i have come up with so far is....he needs all this praise because he is a very insecure person. I feel sorry for him. His childhood was not the best and he makes that known to me often. I believe he has not been able to let go of things in the past.. To me this proves that your childhood bas alot to do with who you are,and as a parent now. My responsibility is to raise my kids so they will not have these types of problems. And know i am raising them in a Christ centered lifestyle that will lead them to all truth and rightousness. Because there is absolute truth

  • Comment Link Lost in love Thursday, 25 September 2014 01:59 posted by Lost in love

    Joe's article is eyeopening, I felt like my narcisstic boyfriend authored it! My bf of six years off and on! Has been a roller coaster! I say off and because the off time is when I either found out he was cheating or having kids! He would lie and lie , text messages on his phone not for him, oh found condoms, not mine must be my cousins or brother. Me I stayed off and through all this , and I even came back after being away 6 months, when I could be away! But I was miserable , unhappy, missed his smile, his humor and his affection! I was totally attracted to my trophy! But this past year we lived together, omg! I wish I would of never come back! We lived together, with a few snags , he made excuses to get away! But his first getaway was that he was leaving me ! He did it in a text in the middle of the night! I woke aaup to him being gone! & a text saying that he knew I didn't want him anymore! I was so relieved that I was free! Only to find him in my bed that evening because he had used that to just get away and go out! Wow! I was crushed! That even after I've done and everything he's put me through that he's never going to change! Why because I let him walk over me, but when I met him , I had told myself! I'm going to be right with him never cheat and be the best I can be! Doesn't work with this guy. I dropped all my friends and family for this guy!But after reading blogs and stories about narcissitic men , I have learned to cope and make adjustments for him not control me! I've gained my confidence back and learned that he's jus a shell, that's wat I'm in love with! Not all the evil and sneakiness that has come out this past year! His latest and last dirty deed , because I would not him control me, and decided to have friends male and female, he could not tolerate it and put himself on plenty of fish! A dating website! Different name, age , goals all that! I Found a text in his phone from one of those females and she told me get out ! While you can ! That's what I'm doing! Although he blames me for having friends from work, that made him go on to POF! The lies and deceit of him not telling the truth and making me dig and call, these strangers! He still blames me, I made him do it! I tried my best to help him see I was the one and we could be happy if he jus would let us happen 100% thruth & no more lies! But I am here today to say goodbye to him , I feel like I lost the prize! Although I tried so hard! But I do know I am better with out this prize! Only time will tell!

  • Comment Link amrita Monday, 22 September 2014 17:06 posted by amrita

    Wow Joe, this was a very moving and revealing depiction. Thank you for writing it.

    I am currently being mentally abused by my husband,a narcissist, and I found your depiction of narcissism very helpful and comforting.

    Thanks again.

  • Comment Link Lost in love! Monday, 22 September 2014 03:38 posted by Lost in love!

    Deny, that's all they know how to do! Give them a taste of their own medicine and the worlds gunna end!

  • Comment Link Joe Friday, 19 September 2014 20:53 posted by Joe

    Narcissists have endured massive trauma from the ones that we have been closest to who should have loved and cared for us. This isn't run of the mill trauma, it was enough trauma to change our individual identity and sense of self, permanently. Most trauma goes away over time, people get over PTSD, we will never get over this. You say we have no heart, and we cant feel love, we cant empathize. You are right, it was torn from us a very long time ago. We want it back, we never will get it back. In the meantime, we steal affection, and hopefully your heart, so that we can feel something, anything, everything. Over time, we don't get over being a narcissist, we never heal - how do you re-grow a heart, a self? We only get better at fitting in.

    A narcissist being close to you, by default, means that you are inflicting pain on your narcissist (directly or indirectly). You say that you aren't yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. That's correct, you aren't yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, you are a simile of someone in our past. You are a simile of the persons we needed love and affection from. You are a simile of the people that traumatized us enough to break us. We hate you, and we want you to love us. We constantly wonder when you are going to hurt us again, we constantly relive our trauma. Things that you do which a normal person would think completely harmless do inadvertently trigger massively painful feelings and memories. Owning you fulfills us, make no mistake, once we've conquered you, then you are our trophy.

    We get in relationships because we want to feel affection, we want to feel love - probably for the first time. When the affection comes from someone with high status, it is automatically rewarding. If you have high enough status, you are better than us. You have to be high in some form of status, otherwise you aren't the simile. That said, we want to break you, we need to break you, we don't love you, we hate you and knowing that we need you makes us hate you more. You make us relive everything. You are disgusting, and we want nothing more than to see you hurt. We want our revenge against our past, you are the closest thing to it. Something in you reminds us of what we needed and didn't get. We don't cycle through lovers out of habit, we cycle through lovers because you never satisfy us, you never calm the pain, you never fill the void. Once we break you, for better or for worse, you aren't the simile anymore, and you will have been an utter waste of our time. Everything you did for us that made us feel affection and love will be worthless. That's why we discard you. No one needs a broken trophy. If you broke under our lowly pressure, you couldn't have ever been the simile. You are worse than pathetic and worthless.

    You don't understand the void, you don't understand the pain, you never will. We ask for something that you can never give. In the meantime, we will accept your affections. You are an unending stream of disappointment for us.

    That's why the suggestions in the post work. We learn that you wont stick around to be broken, you cant be broken, you have a backbone, you are strong, you have authority, you don't yell at us, you don't abuse us. You are everything we hoped you would be. You've maintained independence and strength in what caused our attraction to you. Yet, you give us distance and almost by accident you stop hurting us, by keeping distance we don't relive our trauma. When you return, you give affection, you give love. You aren't parenting us, you aren't correcting us. We cant break you, you are worth something, you are worth everything. We will never grow tired of your affections. You withstood our hatred, our anger, our revenge - and you didn't abuse us. You let us screw up, you let us ruin everything, you let us finally and completely loose ourselves in a fit rage and horror and psychic pain, but you came back. You proved that maybe you actually do love us unconditionally. You always said you did, but everyone promised us that, how were we to know you actually did and you weren't lying. Maybe we can start trusting you, maybe you will prove to be more worthy of our emotions than a simile. Maybe we can open up to you. Maybe you can give us some of your heart so that we can grow ourselves a new one. Maybe.

    If you cant come through to the other side of it, unbroken, leave now.

  • Comment Link Missy Wednesday, 10 September 2014 20:04 posted by Missy

    How about dealing with two narsisstics? My boyfriend of 10 years which I have a 7 year old son with and his ex wife who has implemented herself in our lives she is now are son's godmother. I am mentally drained and let's not forget the step daughter which the verdict is still out. I need your help.

  • Comment Link Cilla Friday, 05 September 2014 22:25 posted by Cilla

    This article really hits home. I'm 27 and I've been married to my husband for almost a year. Before we were married, he was what i would consider "overly Competitive". But it was off and on and he would try to control it. He had a few outbursts that frankly made no sense but i never thought twice. Until after we were married and it became very obvious what i was dealing with.

    The world revolves around him. If i'm sick, hes got to tell me about this time when he was way sicker. If i'm tired then he informs me that i should be him, then i would know what tired was. If i have a personal achievement, he ignores it, and follows up with some achievement that he's about to be achieving. It's exhausting, and sometimes I feel as though i'm going to lose my mind. I'm a level headed and down to earth woman and I have never dealt with someone like this.

    I read various articles, some telling me to stroke his ego, but everything tells me not to. Although not stroking his ego, only makes things worse. It's a total catch 22.

    This article is brilliant. Everything is so spot on that it actually made me upset. I've had my feelings, my dreams, my emotions overshadowed so many times, that I often seek outside sources to make ME feel like a person worthy of praise. And when I do that, then i start to feel like a narcissist. It's ultimately like dealing with a toddler ( i already have one).

    Thank you for this was amazing.

  • Comment Link Ger Monday, 01 September 2014 03:17 posted by Ger

    Thank you for this article. I was about as depressed as I have ever been in my entire life. I needed some affirmation that I am not crazy. Narcissist describes my husband to a T. I will reread this article to remind myself I am strong and in control of myself. I am not his property and will do my best to stay strong.

  • Comment Link Narcissist Lover Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:30 posted by Narcissist Lover

    I think I am living with a narcissist. I just recently married him and prior to our marriage he was sweet loving and kind, then just a month ago after our marriage he got all pissed at me at the dinner table for talking with my mouth full of food. Mind you, I don't know how long I have had this habit, but he got so upset that he told me it was disgusting. I was so hurt, tears streamed down my face. How could the person I love so much, just humiliate me like that? I finished my dinner promptly and now I try to keep my mouth closed at dinner while we are eating, I slip every now and then and he gives me the evil eye, or puts his finger to his mouth gesturing I keep myouth closed. It has gotten so bad that I have become a mute at dinner. I couldn't take much more of it one night that I emailed him how it makes me feel and that he can't treat me like that and he replied, how do you think you make me feel? He says, " you are hurting me! You talking with your mouth full is childish and it is like nails on a chalkboard!" I cannot believe he is so distraught over this! I cannot live like this! I feel so unloved! I don't know what to do! Please help! We aren't even talking right now, cuz the other night I got upset with him for ignoring me and the kids while he was rudely texting his ex wife! Please help! He told me to get out! When I told him please stop texting and pay attention to us. He flew off the couch and told me to get out of the house. He said we need to divorce if I cannot handle him having to text his wife!

  • Comment Link Wittsend Saturday, 23 August 2014 15:20 posted by Wittsend

    I am slowly coming to realize that my spouse of ten years is a narcissist. It is a draining and exhausting relationship. We have two beautiful children that I want to protect from his narcissist ways. There are times when he can be really great but that makes all of those really crappy times even more painful. If he was 100% jerk then I would just walk away.

  • Comment Link cat margaret Friday, 15 August 2014 09:28 posted by cat margaret

    Good luck to everyone. My partner have been separated from his ex for almost 10 years (she cheated repeatedly), has paid almost £1,000 per month maintenance without fail every single month in all that time. He has never missed a contact time with his 3 children (despite being messed around on almost every pick-up/drop off, told they 'have plans' or 'are busy on countless occasions on his weekends, etc.) but because he has disagreed with a decision regarding his daughter where he was expected to pay extra money for something he fundamentally disagrees with, he has been subjected to a daily tirade of relentless email abuse for the past 2 weeks. She has ranted and raged, his daughter has stopped speaking to him and his ex is pulling up petty points to say he is an unfit father (not that she has stopped him having the younger 2 this weekend as it suits her!!)

    I am, of course the devil incarnate and responsible for persuading him not to pay any extra money... evil and manipulating, writing his emails for him, etc....yeah, right.

    Lesson: you can't beat a narcisissist, and if you cross one, be ready for a s**t storm that will eclipse anything you have ever experienced. And perhaps it will never stop. But remember YOUR values, remember who YOU are and WHY you stood up to them in the first place. Because chances are, you will be proved right in the end.

  • Comment Link Greg Davis Friday, 08 August 2014 19:21 posted by Greg Davis

    Im currently with a narcissistic wife and let me tell you its ruff. She's never wrong, she controlling constant temper tantrums when she dosent get her way. I'm so lost i have two kids with her and my son just moved in. I just started working and it seems now that im trying to get my independent its gerting worse. She wants me to give her my checks when i get paid so she can manage money, but all she does is spend it on what she wants to spend it on behind my back,Im sooooo sick of her i wanna leave but i know if i do its world war 3 she already said if i leave i wont get to see my kids. HELP!!!! any advise is welcome

  • Comment Link Mom2 Saturday, 02 August 2014 20:42 posted by Mom2

    Very useful article. thank you. At least I have an idea and some understanding of what I'm dealing with.

  • Comment Link Taalia Friday, 01 August 2014 13:14 posted by Taalia

    Im living with a narcissistic husband for the past 6 years now- i have been so confused at this behaviour of his thinking all along i wad to blame. It now all makes sense . He has every trait of a narcissistic. I just dont know whther i can handle it or not as we have two kids and already went through a seperation before. It gives me reassurance however that other women are going through this and have suceeded.

  • Comment Link E Newton Wednesday, 23 July 2014 15:49 posted by E Newton

    I have done everything you mentioned with my narcissistic husband. And yes it works but it is so hard cause you want to show love to someone so bad but you just can't. I have learned to take such good care of myself but I still feel so depressed. I had to get on anti depressants which helps. My childhood, my parents showed me God's love and that is what gets me through. Thank you Jesus.

  • Comment Link Tazz Wednesday, 09 July 2014 13:52 posted by Tazz

    Thank you sooo much. Today my narcisstic husband of 2 years and I have court due to an assault. Of course he told everyone I lied on him only becausr it is the furst time charges have been filed. I plan to take the spousal immunity only because deep down I feelnthat I have already won. It is scary because I have disconnected from himemotionally and recently shared in a calm maner that the relationship wax a mistake. He defended whole heartedly to his undefstanding any way. At one time I fell more victim to his abuse and most recently educated him that cheating is abuse along with verbal mental, emotional and physical. I pray that while I am in this relationship that I do not become him as it is said biblically the 2 shall become 1. After being referred to as the fat bitch.. with no response. I turned the cards and apologized for abusing him...yeah like he was victimized...I no longer confide in him and made him aware tnat he ks not my confidant...mean purhaps but it is my sense of reaffirming my identity as a smart, beautiful woman that this too I will survive. One thing I have learned of myself in this relationship is the TRUE beauty of tbe inner me. Yeas... once ffcused on the consequences he would face for living out his personality deficiencies but is evident that slowly and surely the debt is paid. I do not have to firm allies to survive...I do not have to drink or smoke marijuana or habitually lia to cope with being me. It took years of dealung with his character defect for me to not only recognoze but accept the truth....yes I did regain the confidence to share this with him. I do not know what will happen after today but I wanted to share my painful as it is. One would say all I have been through was codependency but I must say it is the 1st relationship ad dysfunctional as it is that I showed commitment. Regretfully, thd comittment is to a underdeveloped boy maskec I a man's body. After giving my all, defending my character, protecting my self esteem and enduring years of hell...I have no guilt for my emotional and mental odyssey. Though he wants me to feel guilty I know that yhe healing process has begun. As the beginning of the end has surfaced well actually the end wS at the beginning when considered. I have even told my husband thank you for mot loving me because I have grown yo love me more. Sadly, at the end of the will be a nother failed marriage but the fact is I will benefit somehow. It the STRONG survive.

  • Comment Link ugh Monday, 07 July 2014 17:01 posted by ugh

    coming from a female with similar characteristics of your husbands and boyfriends, i can admit the way i carry myself is for protection of my sanity and what little feelings I have. I dont know what exactly made me act the way I do but frankly i dont care because i cant get my feelings hurt hardly and we are put on earth to be happy. I do what i have to, to be happy and my good impression could last forever but people screw things up and i expect the same respect I give. You get what you give always. Luckily i found someone who is one in the same. I'm taking medications for the outbursts and working on my sneakyness but its a constant reminder I'm almost always have something up my sleeve. And i hate it just as much. I cant say that im necessarily sad about being a narcissist but sometimes i wonder if my way of thinking can ever be changed. I never noticed it for awhile, and it kinda shocked me. I dont like being labeled something, and i feel like it makes me look crazy as shit but it is what it is i guess.i have accepted and want to get better.

  • Comment Link Lynette Saturday, 05 July 2014 14:33 posted by Lynette

    I felt the same completely, to the world he looks like a victim and I look like the bad person. But it is only I who know how badly i get victimized...Im amazed at the fact that so many women out there fall victims to Narcissist men!! Unfortunately the smart and well established women are the ones that fall prey to these men

  • Comment Link Stacey Monday, 30 June 2014 14:19 posted by Stacey

    OMG! I can not believe how right on this is. My boyfriend is one of the most vicious horrible people I have ever met. But I love him. I know he loves me, the best he can. I feel so sorry for what must have happened to him to make him this way. I feel that if he could just realize or understand his problems he might be a little better. He often asks while watching TV, why don't I laugh at things like others do? But then he says, normal people jus aren't on my level. Thank you for giving some hope. I am an intelligent, successful beautiful woman. I can't remember the last time I thought that to be true...but it is. I

  • Comment Link Sherrie Wednesday, 07 May 2014 01:41 posted by Sherrie

    Hi Momto5
    I am not divorced yet but feel deep within my bones that it is on the way. I am currently in the "devaluing" phase of our relationship. Nothing I can do or say is right, he is never to blame for anything and apparently everything would be divine if I just learned to "shut my mouth". I have lived with this man for 18 years and he left for one year, having replaced me at the drop of a hat. After that one year, he had sought counselling and said he wanted to try and reconcile the relationship. No, I have learned that he needed someone else to abuse and control and lucky me, I must be a primary source of narcissistic supply. The children and I look at this man and often wonder how one can become such a monster and not even realise it. To answer your question Momto5 why? That answer is - why not? If you are willing to put up with his behaviour, his abuse etc in his mind it is why not - because he is so grandiose and omnipotent he believes he has the power to do ANYTHING without consequence. Once you come to understand that the wiring in these peoples' brains is all twisted and distorted, it kind of makes you feel a little better because there is nothing that you can do or say to rectify the situation. These people are mental and the things that they do to people who they say their love is inhumane. They quite simply don't have one shred of humanity and if they do, it is for a reason - perhaps to acquire further narcissistic supply or something else that makes them feel better about themselves. My love and blessings to you all - living with a narcissist one way or another is one of the hardest things to do it is even harder for you to fight for them not to take your very soul.

  • Comment Link momto5 Sunday, 27 April 2014 06:38 posted by momto5

    My ex has done all of these things. And I'm still reeling from the abuse after 4 years in therapy. But I have one nagging question about a narcissist is, why?
    My therapist says that question is naive and irrelevant, and too much energy wasted to ponder. Although I know my ex has done vicious things, and our relationship began in the textbook definition of an pathological, narcissistic pattern of lovely at first then things began to shift rapidly. I really believe he is mentally ill and dangerous, but I may be deluded in thinking its subconsciously done on his part. I really desire to know why make someone you love hurt and suffer affecting everyone in your own family with ultimately a disastrous outcome. didn't he see it coming?

  • Comment Link Michelle Wednesday, 12 February 2014 02:34 posted by Michelle


    An abuser doesn't start out an abuser, else the abuser would never be able to catch someone into the web. The abuser weaves wonderful stories, creates beautiful lives for everyone involved, and slowly, ever so slowly, starts to let the fangs show. By then it's too late, even the most intelligent emotionally, socially, educationally, is trapped. Those of us who've been part of a narcissist's life still have moments years later where we can still get sucked into yet another moment where we feel for the narcissist.

    I think we judge ourselves harshly enough when we realize what lives we let ourselves live...being judged from the outside doesn't help.

  • Comment Link MaryeAudet Tuesday, 11 February 2014 14:34 posted by MaryeAudet

    Marianela - that is the hard part. You will just have to keep reminding yourself that you are intelligent and your opinions, decisions, and feelings are valid.

    Dotti - a narcissist can be the most charming man on earth... in the beginning.

  • Comment Link Dotti Tuesday, 11 February 2014 02:06 posted by Dotti

    Wow. What makes people fall in love with a narcissist in the first place??

  • Comment Link marianela Tuesday, 11 February 2014 00:11 posted by marianela

    Why is it that when I make a decision regarding our son and stand up for what is right and I know that I am in the right, he makes me immediately doubt myself.

    I have tried these suggestions of walking away and ignoring him, but I just can't keep his comments out of my mind.