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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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Several weeks ago there was a video that went viral that a man took of his wife having a meltdown. In the video he tells her he needs to get his tires rotated and she has, what looks like, a two year old tantrum. She tells him she wants to go to the lake, she is only asking for one day, and says, “One day, I just want one day – why is it so hard?”

You can almost hear the laughter in his voice as he continues to videotape her while he remains cool, calm, and seemingly quite reasonable. You can view that crazy wife video on YouTube.

There were all kinds of comments on it, news commentary, and social media shares. People said things like, “OMG! She is a nutcase!” and other derogatory remarks. Not one person seemed to ask the most logical question, “Why was he making a video of his wife having a meltdown?”

The Narcissist Is a Master Manipulator

Having lived with a narcissist my viewpoint was a little different. I immediately wondered what had led up to her meltdown because that video is such classic behavior. They will find a chink in your armor and pick away at it, poke it, and play with it over a long period of time. They seem adept at judging where your over the edge point is and they will bring you right to it without pushing you over. They’ll do it time and time and time again until, when they are ready, they’ll do that one thing that will catapult you over the cliff into a swirling vat of crazy.

They will usually do it in a public manner so that, while you are responding to months of aggravation, the people around you will only see you over-react to something that seems to be very small and very silly. They will look at your with a combination of horror and amusement and they will look at your husband with sympathy and pity – exactly what he is going for.

Now the entire world is aware that you are crazy.

What Led Up to Her Meltdown?

When you are watching the video ask yourself what you think led up to her meltdown. It could be that she is the spoiled brat that he portrays with his camera. It could also be that she is responding to weeks of being pushed.

Maybe she was told they were going to spend time together and it kept getting put off. Maybe she has been in an intensely emotional time and she was promised a day at the lake to unwind. Maybe he randomly tells her they are going to do something and then changes it at the last minute so she never knows what to expect. Maybe she got a babysitter and cleared her schedule so that they could have some downtime. No one watching the video will ever know but most people will make an assumption based on her behavior without ever wondering what led up to that moment.

“You Don’t Let Him Do Things for You”

I think I have mentioned how great narcissists are at making themselves look like the victim in almost any situation. During one of our marriage counseling sessions I got very emotional. I can’t remember what we were talking about but I was ready to break. I could feel my chest tighten, that icky feeling in my stomach, and my throat felt like I had swallowed a croquet ball.  I grabbed a Kleenex in preparation for when it happened. I knew it wasn’t a matter of if it happened.

A few moments later the dam broke and I was doing everything possible to maintain control. I bit my lip, I pushed my nails into my palms, and I silently recited the multiplication tables. When a tear finally broke through and trickled down my cheek my ex leaned over to hand me a Kleenex. I shook my head no and showed him that I already had one in my hand. He shrugged and leaned back in his chair.

The counselor jumped on it, her voice dripping with sympathy. “How does it make you feel when she won’t let you help her?”

The Tormentor Is Now the Perceived Victim

I swear his eyes lit up. “Bad”, he mumbled. “It just makes me feel worthless.”

She turned to me,” Why won’t you let him do things for you?”

I swear to you the only thought that crossed my mind at that point was WTF? I immediately knew where this was going. I wanted to ask her what things she was talking about. All of the times that we needed groceries and he bought an Italian suit or custom shirt? Maybe she meant those times when the electricity got turned off because the bill wasn’t paid and yet he came home with a nice watch, a Mont Blanc pen, or a designer tie. The list of times I had needed him to come through for me and he didn’t moved through my head like a parade and he was the clown and the head of the thing.

I tried to defend myself, “I do let him do things for me.”

She looked at me with skepticism and then turned to him with pity in her eyes. Then she gave me a knowing, I have you all figured out, kind of look. “Your assignment this week is to learn to accept his help. Let him do things for you. You need to give to eachother.”

She turned to him, “Are you willing to work on this?”

He looked at me soulfully, then looked at her, sniffed and nodded resignedly. I wanted to throw up.

These are the men that spend time in bars on business trips telling women that their wives don’t understand them. They are the ones that will pick at you privately until you are ready to kill them and then push you over the edge in a public place with that one last coup de grace.

Sometimes they misjudge and that’s when you hear about women stabbing their husbands while they slept. While I in no way condone murder or even violence I do know how easy it is to get pushed to that point.

Pushed Past the Point of No Return

The night that I kicked my ex out of the house started off pretty normally. We had gone to my grandson’s birthday party. Things were friendly and we both agreed that our marriage was much stronger than it had been in years. We even had amazing, incredible, OMG sex before bed.

I was still wrapped in the warm fuzziness of lovemaking and he was sleeping next to me. I was on my laptop, catching up on some work when I got a weird feeling in my stomach. He had been talking with an old girlfriend on Facebook and I had asked him to remove her from his friends list. I knew he hadn’t but was overlooking it. I went downstairs and tried to start up his computer. For the first time ever there was a password on it.

Call it God, intuition, or witchcraft but I hacked the passwords on every email, social media, and chat room account he had. I found messages between the two of them that I could have published in a volume of erotica and made a mint on. I still have copies of those messages in case I ever need to further explain anything to anyone. Stuff that I had longed and begged to hear from him for years had all been given to her. One session even ended with, “Marye has wanted to hear this stuff from me for years but it all belonged to you.”

After four hours of reading that type of thing I lost it. I saw red. I took my laptop and I smacked him in the face with it – more than once. He scrambled out of bed and I continued to throw things at him. Anything within my reach was fair game. He cowered in the corner of the room trying to get pants on, half asleep, while I pelted him with objects, books, and words I hadn’t used since boot camp. Afterwards I told someone I was glad that there wasn’t a knife on my bedside table. I was truly unable to stop myself – I had been pushed that far.

Thank God he didn’t have me arrested. Thank God he has a hard head.

Get Off the Bus to Crazytown

Whether you are still married, or in the midst of a divorce, or trying to deal with him as a co-parent you need to realize that he will find every opportunity to manipulate circumstances to his own benefit. While most narcissists know how to stop before things get violent they do sometimes misjudge that point. Don’t assume you would be able to maintain control of yourself if that happens. I never thought I could want so much to kill another human being as I did that night.

If you find that you are continually pushed to that edge you need to get off that bus before something happens that will have lasting consequences. If you are in a marriage and feel yourself being pushed to that point get out. If you are in the midst or finished with a divorce then use an arbitrator to handle the necessary communication between the two of you.

Being pushed to the point of being out of control is not normal, it isn’t right, it isn’t your fault. It is, however, a sport that the narcissist enjoys immensely. Just refuse to play anymore. You’ll be amazed at the freedom it gives you.

Are you there? You aren’t the first one, and you aren’t crazy. Join First Wives World today to share your story and help yourself, as well as others, move into a place of healing.

*Lead Image Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons, Photographer Ben Fredericson

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  • Comment Link Beth Monday, 16 April 2018 16:35 posted by Beth

    Love it

  • Comment Link Kim Saturday, 12 August 2017 05:50 posted by Kim

    My ex is a narcissistic ahole to who thinks life revolves around him,For 8 years he put me down controlled me made me feel that I was his possession made me feel that I couldn't do anything unless it involved him,Finally I left with the kids,But now he still uses the kids to control me or still see me,He spreads rumours about me and lies to others by making out he is the little hard done by separated father he is but fails to tell people I left him because of his narcissistic attitude and personality with always having to be in control! I hope that lady is away from that a hole now she clearly having a breakdown

  • Comment Link DiRT Monday, 08 May 2017 21:49 posted by DiRT

    Going thru a divorce after 15 yrs; didn't realize he was doing all the things described here. I found out he was seeing someone on the side. After telling him I filed for divorce. He is playing victim, telling everyone I am crazy, bashing me in public forums and to everyone he can find. Also bashing and threatening me in text messages to me. I've been called everything under the sun. But just knowing I am getting out has brought me peace and calm. You don't even realize what they do to you and then make it like it's your fault. They also act like your lazy and never do anything. Even if you've done everything and they've done nothing. Their just pissed they have no one to control/victimize or they lost their meal ticket. Hold your head high like me; you know the truth! Who cares what anyone else believes.

  • Comment Link Dawn Grzeszczak Wednesday, 01 February 2017 00:17 posted by Dawn Grzeszczak

    I agree this man set his wife up. This poor women has been being abused mentally prior to this car ride.This is the after affects that happens after being abused.I feel very sorry for her . He is no man !!!! I was mentally tortured for 16 years 2 years everyday the worst part my 5 year old was present and the narcissist that he is would bring her in on the abuse. That's why I know that this women in the video isn't crazy she is beaten down.

  • Comment Link Christina M Tuesday, 27 September 2016 21:55 posted by Christina M

    I agree she was set up anyone can see that. I was married for 25 years and 4 years ago he had an affair that I found accidently through emails he was hiding in a secret account, then the texts - he even said he had no idea 'why she would say she loved him', none at all! The pathological lying is incredible along with the proverbial 'I can't remember' to cover his lies. I too had moments when I wanted to kill him just to get revenge but it is far better just leaving and going NC. I kicked him out of our bed and planned my escape. You won't believe what they will stoop to and his parents have NPD as well so all three play together. I am not divorcing my husband but his father as my husband is totally dependent on his parents at the age of 50!!!!!
    Get out as soon as you can as you can never change them. It never ceases to amaze me at how lovely, kind and caring he can be and how quickly he turns into Freddy Kruger. He is incapable of feeling anything other than contempt, jealousy and hatred for others, especially me for leaving him - talk about narcissistic injury; I just laugh at his attempts to upset me now with his new girlfriend who thinks he is so amazing despite my warning, poor woman. My advice is to slowly gather and hide cash then find somewhere to live before sneaking off without him knowing. That's what I did and I am so happy now and he is desperate to get some control that everyone can see it now.

  • Comment Link cguinipero Thursday, 21 July 2016 18:29 posted by cguinipero

    I am in the same situation with my ex-husband. Every opportunity he gets to mess with my mind he takes advantage of it. I hate to wish my children's lives away, but I tell myself just 12 more years until my youngest is 21, then I don't have to deal with him anymore. I love my children so much and he has used them as pawns and continually questioned my parenting abilities.

  • Comment Link Queen Sunday, 10 July 2016 12:58 posted by Queen

    I was married to a narcissist too. And so was my best friend from childhood. Everything you said rang true in my marriage, and in the friendship. I didn't realize how bad things were until I escaped both relationships. And as far as the video, I asked the same thing. Isn't anyone noticing he instigated a melt down, had his camera at the ready because he knew what he was doing, then posted it on the internet to humiliate her? Why didn't anyone notice how messed up THAT was?

  • Comment Link Crazy Mom Monday, 15 February 2016 16:30 posted by Crazy Mom

    This article resonates with me so much. My ex even taught my son to say that Momma is crazy. He was 2. I too had that 'gut' feeling about the computer and found out my husband had been lying to me and purchasing/watching porn then deleting it. I later found out he had also been cheating....but I was the crazy one when I when I hated him. I was the crazy one when he would over draw the account on a $900 Ipod or a new violin. It was my fault we never had money. I divorced him. The problem now is that the younger kids (my twins were 6 months when I left him), don't know any of that stuff. He continues to crazy make, and nothing is ever his fault. I do everything for them from scheduling and attending surgeries, routine medical care, medication management, down to cutting their finger nails - but they adore him and just last night while doing a Sunday school lesson, they said they think of him as a saint. He was the Gold Saint, and I was the Bronze...because he prays to God more than I do. OMG he's got them fooled! Now What? How do I teach my children how to protect themselves from someone like this when their own Father, who they adore, is teaching them to love this behavior?

  • Comment Link jaye Wednesday, 27 January 2016 18:54 posted by jaye

    men are over rated, they are not the completion to a woman's life...the woman has to find that herself..

  • Comment Link Kaya 48 Thursday, 03 September 2015 22:55 posted by Kaya 48

    This describes my ex husband. He cheated, lied and betrayed. He pushed me to the edge so many times. In the end I honestly thought I was going crazy. I was a complete mess and he had this stupid smirk on his face. He is a police officer. My luck was that he left for the young cop co worker. This gave me clarity , it gave me strength and power For the first time in over 20 years I was in control and I was strong. I divorced him. I never talked to him again. He totally under estimated me. Along with my attorney I put an end to it. No more crazy making. They are pure evil and they will never change. The only solution is to get a divorce and break of all contact. I am so much better now. That little coworker saved my life. Thank you. She can have that liar because I sure don't want him. That was over 2 years ago. My life is peaceful again. I can smile about what an idiot he is and always will be.

  • Comment Link sonia Monday, 03 August 2015 00:45 posted by sonia

    Hi, I have always had bad relationships. When i was 23 I meet what I believe is my soul mate. I am now 45 and still in love with him even though he is clearly a narcissistic. i have prayed, i have gone to counseling I am seeing other men. And yet I long to be with this person, I describe as my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one . I know its crazy but a lot of it has to do with sex, his good looks and his body . Which I never cared that much about before him. He said to me once you have had the best now have the rest. I was always able to find great pleasure when having relations with men. however since my ex, which is on again off again in the bedroom, I can no longer enjoy sex with other men? Maybe it's the type of man i have chosen to be with. But my ex has sex with me like no one else ever has . I am addicted to him. I long for someone to make love to me rather then have sex with me. But i have even put romance aside for this addictive sex with him . Which is slowly getting less and less rewarding. And to make matters worse we have a 6 yr old daughter together. I was looking for some answers as to why i am feeling this way. When i stumbled on this article about narcissism and your support group.

  • Comment Link Tanja Saturday, 04 July 2015 02:42 posted by Tanja

    I divorced my narcissistic husband after 20 years of marriage. He cheated, he lied, he gas lighted me. He is a cop and had an affair with a co worker. After I found out details he discarded me and his son. I first was devastated , I was in shock, I was angry and sad. After 3 months of "grieving " I hired an aggressive male attorney and filed for divorce. I cut off all contact and let the lawyer handle everything. It cost me a fortune. I was so done with my ex. Divorce was final last year. Best decision I ever mAde. My life is peaceful, happy and sane. I might lost material things but I have myself back. Priceless.
    My advice is. Do not wait 20 years like I did. My fear of the unknown was greater than my welfare. I am thAnkful for his little whore co worker. She is my replacement. Thank you for saving my life. I forever owe this minion to cross his path. As for him, as long as I get my alimony check , I don't care one bit. Narcissists are emotional vampires. They suck the life out of you and then throw you in the garbage. I regret not divorcing him sooner. I am 50 years old now and wasted many good years crying and thinking I am crazy. And yes he pushed me to the edge over and over. I am not proud of how I acted sometimes. It was him and only him. He thought he was God but I sure removed him from his throne by staying no contact. 2 years and forever.

  • Comment Link bonnie Sunday, 19 April 2015 11:03 posted by bonnie

    Omfg I thought I was just being too analytical. The person I'm thinking of will sit there and literally abuse me for hours, telling me what a waste of life I am and how I should kill myself and countless other lovely things. Then when i finally snap which i will do after hours and hours of horribleness, he actually walks off to his room, whistling. The first timw he did that my mouth just dropped. How do you go from black hearted rage at someone, to going off whistling, in a matter of seconds? If I leave I get HUNDREDS of texts from him. Anyways last night I finally lost it and I said something I really regret, after he had threatened me, but now he's going around telling everyone who will listen that Im violent and he's scared of me. Funny, if he's so scared, why doesn't he leave? He's 6"10, Im like 5"3 so There's a massive size difference yet he's terrified of me? What I want to know is how they manage to get everyone on their side. I'm so sick of feeling alone in this :(

  • Comment Link sindy Monday, 12 January 2015 23:08 posted by sindy

    This is my husband. He pushes, pushes, insults, insinuates, until.....I friggin SNAP!!. I look crazy and he sits back and smirks and sneers. I constantly ask him "why are you putting up with such an abusive wife like me?! let's get divorced! I won't ask for alimony or child support!" He just gives me the dead eye stare and says "That's what you say."....HUH?? wtf? Narcissist.

  • Comment Link dsr Monday, 01 December 2014 02:35 posted by dsr

    I love it and happy to see I am not the only crazy ass wife left in this/ his world of narcissism. The other night as he sat in front of me calling me a deceptive lier and much more and proceeded to tell me I owed him an apology and he demanded I do so. I lost it!!!
    I could not believe the anger in me...i grabbed him by his stupid grey fleece fuzzy shirt collier and could not let go. Mind you, I am 5' tall-he is 6'5", it didn't matter. He was singling me around like a rag doll screaming "what the hell is wrong with you"?
    Prue rage was what was wrong with me!!
    For him call me the very thing he is- a lier, a cheater, and a deceptive fraud struck lighting in my soul.
    I was pushed beyond my breaking point.

  • Comment Link Kim Thursday, 27 November 2014 16:04 posted by Kim

    Good for you for leaving! My narc ex-best-friend wrote those same letters to me(I'm married and he has a fiancee). I don't know what he told his fiancee after he discarded me but somehow it became all my fault. So I scanned and posted the letters online. They're all handwritten and there are around 75 of them. I did it mainly to have proof at-the-ready when one of our friends would ask me for an explanation when he started the smear campaign. He really found himself a prize pig, as his lady didn't leave him after reading about his obsessive love for another woman coupled with a stack of poetic descriptions of the naughty things we ought to do together. She also found a nude photo of his ex in their bed. She's also gained about 50 pounds in the last year which puts her at around 350. She is so screwed.

  • Comment Link Kayla Tuesday, 04 November 2014 05:19 posted by Kayla

    Wow this could be my story. Only that I smashed his iPhone full of nude pictures of his cop co workers. Full of texts of his minions at work. After 20 years of his lying , cheatibg and crazy making I filed for divorce. I hired an aggressive make attorney and took him to court. Now he has nothing left. I receive alimony and part of his army retirement. Those little cop co workers did me the greatest favor. They can have him. My life is great now. He list it all. His son his home and his money. What a dumb a....
    My advice is run as far as you can from a narcissist. It took me more than 20 years to realize they will never change. They don't care about you. They are selfish cowards. The hell with him.

  • Comment Link Beth Monday, 01 September 2014 21:17 posted by Beth

    Finally…someone who gets it! Thank you.

  • Comment Link Christina Thursday, 14 August 2014 03:30 posted by Christina

    Thank u

  • Comment Link Damselfly Thursday, 07 August 2014 23:39 posted by Damselfly

    I am so glad there are people like you that write this....when I was married to my narcissistic husband I was slowly decaying...after I obtained a small amount of courage to tell him I was filing for divorce etc. (big mistake) I thought the gas-lighting, manipulation etc. was over. I was so very wrong. He filed for divorce 4 minutes before me....(obtained a lawyer etc.), closed all the bank accounts, took money etc. Our attorney (whom I had retained to file initially thinking she was a woman and would understand) I asked to be removed from the case after two weeks, when she told me to "use the kids" to get what I want. What I wanted was some of our joint money that he had stolen etc so we could live. The attorney I then hired took me through the last year and after my husband dragging things out in court, not answering discovery etc, countless emails to me...etc says he can't take it anymore either. We are legally separated, now not divorced yet after spending approx. $60,000 is legal fees. It appears now that if I want to be divorced it is recommended to me to go "no fault" way even though I have pictures, hospital report, police report of abuse to just end things. I am struggling with this due to my religious beliefs (if anyone wants to email their thoughts on this I would appreciate it). Even though I am mostly no contact (we have children) it is very difficult every email about kids is an attempt to push my buttons, or set me up for another trip to court (I have sole custody...he doesn't want but doesn't want me to have in order to hurt me).

    I wish more people understood the lengths that these manipulators will go. The blaming and innocents they can fake at a moment's notice....I noticed in this video..the suspected Narc appears to be secretly videoing her. Shame on her and shame on society in general that they didn't ask, Why was she upset. Obviously, (to me as well) it is about so much more than the lake.

  • Comment Link Lyric Wednesday, 23 July 2014 05:36 posted by Lyric

    I was married to a narcissist for 16 years. We have 3 boys together. After years of being told and believing I could never make it on my own I finally left him knowing I was the only one who could stop this cycle of abuse. I never wanted my boys to grow up thinking this behavior was acceptable. He turned my boys against me. Every bad thing that happened was my fault. Although I feel my boys never truly believed that they were scared of him and wanted nothing more then to please him. The control and manipulation was overwhelming. He had all the money and power. I had no way to compete with him. I moved out of state because I wanted to make a better life for myself and my children. I couldn't take them with me. To this day he uses my children against me. He uses money and manipulation. I try to be strong but there are days I feel so helpless. I am in constant contact with my children and see them as much as possible. Everyone says some day they will get it. They will see what is really going on but it is getting through this period that is so frustrating...depressing....agrivating. I know it will never stop. He told me if I ever left he would make my life hell. I keep hanging on. Believing in my kids. Trusting in God. That is all I can do. Never give up.

  • Comment Link Rachel Sunday, 20 April 2014 17:21 posted by Rachel

    ...same here, married to a narcissistic alcoholic. I am no good, I am everything bad. He got too close to my personal space with his yelling and screaming and now the locks have been changed. He needs help...I feel badly for him but not so much that I want to give up my peace of mind for him. You know, in fact narcissists rarely change because in their mind they are perfect.

    Get out while you can. It is a truly losing battle.

  • Comment Link Bridget Wednesday, 16 April 2014 14:54 posted by Bridget

    I didn't realize what I was going through with my own husband until I started reading these stories. I found out he was having an affair 2 weeks ago in the exact same manner. He led me to believe that our marriage was getting better, had an amazing night, then the next morning something just told me to snoop his phone. There were text messages going back months with another woman. I kicked him out that day and he tries to make me feel bad that I kicked him out.

  • Comment Link Elizabeth Wednesday, 09 April 2014 18:54 posted by Elizabeth

    My ex-husband is bona fide narcissist and it is getting so ugly. The closer I get to full resolution of our problems and total separation the crazier he gets. It's a nightmare.

  • Comment Link kimberly lathigee Monday, 24 March 2014 01:47 posted by kimberly lathigee

    we are divorced and he doesn't stop. every time the kids are with him they are sick or come home disgusted.

  • Comment Link Karen Tuesday, 25 February 2014 02:21 posted by Karen

    WOW, what a nightmare.
    I was married to man in many ways like this.

    Once every 4-6 months over the course of a week he would tell me very depressing things ie we were financially unrepairably broke, his business was going under, I could spend only 50 dollars for the week for our family of four due to this situation. None of it was true, but would leave me devistated by the end-- and despirately trying to do my best to make it all right.
    The LAST TIME, or the time I figured it out was when he came to me asking "why haven't you bounced back yet" and I said "what?" to which he said "I can usually bring you down so far and it takes 5 or 6 days for you to bounce back".

    He would tell me I didn't know how to have sex, that it wasn't very good, that perhaps I needed to have sex with someone else and maybe that would help.

    Also, at dinner parties and most often in front of some people I did not even know he would say loudly "well, my wife- she is off in her own little world without a clue of anything" and yes- those at the party would look at me like I was indeed "OFF" and would look at him with pity that he was "sticking it out with me".

    After years of him telling me I was not pretty, that I really must be so insecure for not wanting him to be at strip clubs every night of the week, that I am really just nothing as a stay at home mom I finally had a break through moment. I told him I was going back to college. He said I was really "just too stupid to go back to college much less to finish anything".

    Well, I went back to college. I finished with a 3.96 gpa and then went and got a master's degree from an ivy league school---- then I left him.

    My own little world did not have room for him!

    No but really I felt such guilt for years after leaving him I imagine because I made a commitment to him for forever and I had to break that commitment.
    I have wrangled with the guilt and now it is gone, but the big picture was that I never missed his company not one day.
    Very sad it took 14 years of marriage to finally admit I needed to leave.

  • Comment Link JustWow Thursday, 20 February 2014 21:15 posted by JustWow

    My ex husband would pull so many crazy- making things on me. His favorite trick is time manipulation. He would tell me a time that we were going to do something. Then as the time approached, I would be rushing around getting the kids ready, myself and he would not be budging from whatever he was doing. I would have the kids ready and getting impatient, and of course nagging at him because he would be doing nothing, and I wouldn't want to be late. Finally when I am frustrated and ready to make apologies to our hosts for being late, he would tell me the party/family gathering/event starts at 6:00 and why am I rushing him to be ready at 2. I'd say you told me 2 all week. Then out would come the big guns: accusations that I NEVER listen, I'm a f*cking miserable nag...etc. I'd be upset and crying or yelling, from frustration and he would start accusing me of having psych problems. Of course would do this in a very calm voice. The kids would of course be mad because they now are ready and have 4 hrs to wait. And he would start talking about me and act like I wasn't present anymore, and ignore anything I said as though I didn't exist. He would just talk to the kids, in a really calm and almost soothing tone like one would talk to a baby. Well kids if mommy would just listen to daddy sometimes, you wouldn't be waiting like this, I know this is a real let down for you because you could have gone to a friends house today...etc. By the time we went where we were going, I felt like a grey dishrag.

    We are divorced now and he turned a simple divorce into a 1 1/2 year expensive nightmare. He still plays the time game with me on handing off the kids. When he comes for a weekend, he makes sure to spoil any time I might get to myself, even though I work most of that time. He makes sure to fudge on pick up, coming too late often spoiling plans I made or dropping the kids off earlier than agreed, again spoiling plans. If I say anything he claims I misunderstood him, even if I have an email with the times. He has also given me an incorrect pick up address.

    I am finding myself again and learning to trust myself.

  • Comment Link Coral70 Wednesday, 11 December 2013 15:48 posted by Coral70

    I watched my husband dated my neighbor for 6 months. He would get up in the middle of dinner with the kids to get dress. When we fought, he would claimed that there were other people or here is my favorite " her husband loves her so much that he wants her to be happy by going dancing with him. Why can't I love him as much. OR he would say that he needs a break from the stress of the company that we have. I am the CEO and he was VP of Operation but I still took care of our 2 young kids why he went out."

  • Comment Link Recovering Sunday, 01 December 2013 23:16 posted by Recovering

    Hahaha - 'After four hours of reading that type of thing I lost it. I saw red. I took my laptop and I smacked him in the face with it – more than once.'

    Good for you. I'll drink to that.

  • Comment Link kfawcette Friday, 22 November 2013 22:24 posted by kfawcette

    I have had counseling through all this, Marye, it's at the point where my son needs the counseling. He doesn't understand that our relationship will always be strained because of this... and I don't want to cut it off completely, I want to be his family, I just don't want to get hurt anymore... but what's a mother to do? My counselor now sees me having a 'victim' mentality because I keep reliving it all and not letting it go. I have faith in God and that helps me -- but it's not like having Jesus with skin on... sometimes you just need someone there with you to help you through....

  • Comment Link Heather Zastrow Thursday, 14 November 2013 17:33 posted by Heather Zastrow

    Wow after reading, I have been dealing with this behavior from my ex and his new 3rd wife for a few years already. It has come to the point that my one son has not visited called or made contact with me for 6 years. My oldest boy is 25 and has recently started seeing his Dad. The oldest had decided he didn't want to be around his dad after his new wife had lied to manipulate the boys and try to turn them away from their mother - he saw it first hand I did not share this at all he saw it for himself. Throughout this whole process my stomach gets in knots my heart has broken and feel like I am on a limb all by myself. My ex took the kids to his lawyer after us being divorced for 10 years and the kids were 16 and 15 years of age. Interviewed them and the county we divorced didn't see anything wrong with this. The narcissist portion came into play when he decided that my new husband who loved my kids was a threat to him and now he decided that he wanted his kids and took me back for custody at the age of 16 and 15 years of age.
    An example that we have had to deal with at our home is when they would come back from their dads house he was encouraging my youngest boy to fight with his older brother. To the point that the youngest broke his knuckle on his brothers head and of course it was the next day at my house after returning from their fathers house for the weekend. I was shown letters from the school written by his wife signed by him concerned about the welfare of our children. The principal showed me this letter as they knew it was not true. We asked her to stop and she kept writing letters now to the high school vs the elementary school and signing the fathers name. How do you stop this from happening and knowing what this man and woman are telling our children. Of course the lawyer my husband had was Catholic (same lawyer that pulled our kids into his chamber) and catholic charities was the guardian ad lit um. She told me that even with me bringing proof that my ex was physically abusive as I had restraining orders on him that they would not be looking at all this information to determine what was best for the kids. My oldest was at one of his visits with his dad and the dad had our son drive the dad into town (son was 15 at the time with no driver permit), because he needed cigs and had been drinking all day and didn't want to get picked up for a dwi. I have tried to set good examples for our kids but what do you do when you have a father who teaches your kids to fight, that your mom takes to much child support from me that I can't buy a 35$ goat cart cluth. What do you do to stop this I am so at a loss what to say or what to be watching for to stop the lies and hurt that this is causing our young men. :(

  • Comment Link Marye Wednesday, 13 November 2013 18:27 posted by Marye

    KFawcette - I am so sorry. Do you have a counselor that can help you through it?

  • Comment Link kfawcette Monday, 11 November 2013 17:01 posted by kfawcette

    I found strange comfort reading this article -- so it wasn't just me after all?? My ex and I were married 13 years, half of which were spent with him living a secret life -- because of course, I wasn't there for him and this was his right.... I have lived the drama and trauma of being told I was crazy, that I was too needy, that I was an excuse for a human being and worse. The manipulation was so subtle, and looking back it was scary. Once divorced he disappeared for 15 years... now that he's met his 3 sons again, what does he do? Convinces them that (yes, even now) it was all my fault -- and he is the victim ... and now my youngest (19) showing narcissistic tendencies, has begun doing the same -- making me think I am crazy and he is the victim of my craziness... I did not realize narcissism was hereditary, and am struggling to live through it all over again...

  • Comment Link Marye Audet Tuesday, 05 November 2013 23:45 posted by Marye Audet

    Pixi - Just keep your eyes on who you are! Hang out with people that encourage you and try to blow him off.

    Edye - you're welcome. Thanks for reading! You're right, the more we know the better we can fight against it.

    Bob - All sociopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are full blown sociopaths. And yes, it is classic narcissistic behavior. Once it hits sociopathic it gets much worse.

  • Comment Link bob Tuesday, 05 November 2013 01:42 posted by bob

    That's Not A Narcissist Its A Sociopath.

  • Comment Link Edye Tuesday, 05 November 2013 01:38 posted by Edye

    I was never married to a narcissist, but I have certainly encountered/am encountering them now . . . this is timely and useful for me. Knowledge IS power! Thanks for pushing through the pain to bring knowledge to others.

  • Comment Link Pixi Monday, 04 November 2013 20:47 posted by Pixi

    Thank you so much for this. I don't know if my ex is truly a narcissist, but I am dealing with him as a co-parent. He takes every opportunity to make me feel like a horrible person and mother, all while patting himself on the back for being "father of the year".