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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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One of the areas least discussed and most problematic when you are married to a narcissist is sex. It can be described in one of two ways:

  • He has a constant desire for sex and wants you to be available at all times, according to his whim and what’s happening in his pants.
  • He has little desire for sex and you go for long stretches without it. You have to beg for it and even then he often turns you down.

While it might seem odd that Narcissists, who are all pretty predictable in other ways, can be so opposite when it comes to their sexuality it really isn’t. You must remember that everything in a narcissist’s life is about controlling you. It’s how he gets his energy. Like an emotional vampire he sucks it out of you any way he can. Sex is one of the best ways of getting control.

Intimacy Isn’t on the Menu

Intimacy is a requirement for good, healthy sex. It’s about more than the physical responses as anyone in a healthy relationship knows. Your narcissistic husband (or ex) does not allow intimacy because that would make him vulnerable like the rest of us. He is above that so, while he may say and do all of the right things, you always have the feeling that something is lacking. You feel like he isn’t really with you, there is no spiritual or emotional connection, and even though he may be skilled at creating pleasure (when he wants to) it almost seems like you are not there.

That’s because narcissists use their partners as warm, living blow-up dolls. They are, in essence, masturbating only you are the vehicle. Most narcissists would not, or at least not admit, to masturbating by themselves because they are above all of that. It’s OK though, they can use you for that purpose.

I bet that really turns you on, doesn’t it?

The Narcissist’s Three Stages of Relationship

If you don’t identify with what I’ve said above you may be in one of the earlier stages of the relationship, or your narcissist may have some other reason for making the effort to keep it hot. Perhaps he heard you mention to a friend that the sex was great or thinks that you may be talking about it with someone. This way he can be admired by more people.

In any case, most narcissists go through the following three stages of sex.

First Stage: Pursuit

You’ve met the guy. He is amazing in every way, in fact it’s almost unbelievable. He is romantic, he whispers sexy sweet things in your ear. He gives you foot rubs, he buys you flowers, and all of his attention is on you.

You feel adored in every way and fall hook, line, and sinker.

Here’s what’s really going on. He has seen you and you fit his needs for now. You make him look good in some way and lift him up in the eyes of his peers. Maybe someone else was courting you and he decided to create an unspoken competition to steal you away from a less suave opponent. You can be sure that no matter what interested him in you he feels it will move him closer to his goals in some way. Prestige.

Second Stage: Entrapment

The last grain of rice is hardly brushed from your hair, your wedding bouquet is still fresh and suddenly you feel that something has changed but you can’t quite put your finger on it.

It isn’t always marriage. Sometimes it’s a ring, moving in together, a baby, or you quitting your job to be a homemaker but as soon as he has a commitment from you in some way he owns you. Now there is no longer a need to make an effort to win you over. You have become a part of him just like his arm or leg. He can control his arm at will without an effort and that’s what he expects from you, too.

It’s sometime during this time that sex will become a battlefield in in way or another. He’ll either be grabbing at you every time you pass in the hall and require sex often (even several times a day), or he will decide that he can control you best by withholding it.

It’s about Control

My ex would withhold sex for long periods of time. Six week, eight weeks, sometimes more. I could ask, beg, plead, or wear the sexiest nightie available and it would not matter. He would kiss me goodnight, give me a perfunctory “I love you”, and roll over with his back to me. No cuddling, no intimate whispering, and no implication of desire. It was less intimate than sleeping with your best friend at a sleepover.

When I went for counsel with a woman at our church I was told to wear sexy nighties and let him be in control. This is the worst advice ever and I wish I had known it at the time! Doing that will just feed his narcissism.

And it did.

I have a high sex drive. Not having sex for a long period of time is uncomfortable for me physically as well as emotionally. During one counseling session he let the counselor know that my masturbation bothered him. She asked me to stop so as not to overwhelm him. I stopped and you know what? Now he had full control of my sexuality – as much as if we were into BDSM and I was wearing a leather chastity belt (and no I am not into that). Not only was he in control of when and where we had sex, he was now in control of when I was allowed to have an orgasm.

One Way in Public Another at Home

When we were around other people he would act like we were doing it like bunnies. Even around our kids he’d make comments and insinuations about our amazing sex life. Everyone saw us as the perfect couple. I didn’t defend myself because I wanted to make my marriage work so I continually looked for ways to be better, sexier, cuter, sweeter, and a wife he could be proud of.

The only time that he couldn’t keep his hands off of me is the one or two times that I told him no. Once I was so angry about everything that I turned my back to him and didn’t even say goodnight. He kept touching me, whispering how much he wanted me, and all the rest of it. He pulled me over onto my back. I did not resist.

When it was over I sobbed. You know what he said? “I thought you wanted to.”

At some point you realize that you are trapped

Third Stage: Abandonment

You finally “get it”. It took me a long time because I am stubborn and I wanted to have a happily ever after life. You begin to resist being his Stepford wife and you begin to express your own ideas, thoughts and opinions. You argue, you cry, and you check up on all of his lies.

Now he has to figure out another way to control you. Maybe you get the silent treatment and are shunned for hours or days. This can be quite nice, actually. Verbal abuse will start and he will disdain you, cut you down, scream at you, or hurt you in some other way with his words. Your responses are labeled “drama” in his file and he tells you that you’re overreacting, deceived, or a complete narcissist who thinks the world revolves around you. It works for him because he is still feeding off of your emotions and he is still controlling your world.

Once you decide to stop reacting to him in any way he loses something he desperately needs. One of two things happens at this point but the end result is the same. Either he will find another victim and manufacture a reason to leave or you will decide you are not going to live like this anymore and you leave.

Moving on with Your Life

If you think that once you are out of it you can go back to being your normal, confident self you are wrong. You are going to have to look at everything you believe about yourself, write it down, and then go through it to see what is true and which things are lies that you have been fed for so long that you have accepted them. It can be a long and difficult process so you might want to consider getting counseling.

Just as a side note – I’ve read articles by various people, some of whom are psychiatrists, which discuss how to live with a narcissist. According to these articles it can be done successfully. My question is this – maybe it can but why would you want to?

See? You aren’t alone. Many women have gone through the exact same thing. Join First Wives World today to share your story and help yourself, as well as others, move into a place of healing.

 All images Courtesy of Flickr's Creative Commons. Thanks to EKelly89& Ctwiler12


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  • Comment Link Lilly Tuesday, 07 November 2017 19:32 posted by Lilly

    WOW! I teared up reading this, because I was living in it, and was starting to feel horrible about myself.

    We have two kids, and the full blown narcissism came through after the birth of our second child.

    HE had an anxiety attack on the way home from the hospital. So, I had to call an ambulance, with a 2 day old and a 2 year old. I knew in that moment, this man cant handle life.

    When we had sex, which was not that often, it seemed he wasn't there. I would often turn over and cry. It was so cold. No intimacy. I though I could fix it. I have a super high sex drive and he never could match my needs. I tried everything.

    Then the verbal abuse. "You've let yourself go" "If you wore better clothes Id be attracted to you"... I actually started to believe it.. then it hit me. How can I show my boys that this is a healthy marriage?

    He put us into $150,000 in debt by buying clothes, shoes, cars.. even though he was in between freelance jobs.

    Here I am, 2 years later. We are divorced, I have a cute bungalow in a city I love, and my boys and I live within our means.

    I learned to love myself, and that all of his abusive behavior, was not my fault. I am an empath, and I tried to help him, at the expense of my needs, and own mental health.
    My fault was that I treated him like a child, as he acted like one. I have made peace with that.

    I met a fantastic single dad last year, who loves having sex as much as me, but more importantly, is respectful, owns his mistakes and is not even close to a narcissist. In fact, he has a degree in psychology and has helped me really learn about all the traits my ex has and how his verbal/emotional abuse was not my fault.

    I've never been more sexually satisfied in my entire life. He always is in tune with what Im feeling, and loves to go down, then I love to give it back.

    We both love the feeling of taking care of each other, but not loosing ourselves.

    If you are reading this, and you are in a narcisstic realtionship/marriage, and these things ring true to you.. you CAN get out. You CAN start over.
    Your life is worth being happy.
    You got this!

  • Comment Link Kim Sunday, 24 September 2017 01:03 posted by Kim

    Reading this article and the comments, it seems like most of us were with the same man. My ex pursued me for months. The sex in the beginning was amazing. He was amazing. Then the withholding started. I would ask for a hug and be yelled at. Let me hug you when I want to, don't make me hug you. I could meet him at the door wearing something sexy, he would brush right by me. I begged. Ashamed of that now. I was rejected so often. Then I found out about the cheating. I found about the dating sites. The porn. The staring and flirting with other women when we were out. I would get yelled at for saying something about that. He couldn't even go shopping he would say. He was never wrong. Never apologized. He could say whatever hurtful thing he wanted, and then he would say he should be able to say what he felt. I would say anything, and I was starting my crap. He lied so much he couldn't keep up with what he had said and would tell different stories. He would be gone for hours. Wouldn't answer his phone or texts. That's why he's an ex. But I'm pretty sure he had two or three already being groomed to take my spot. Lord help me and them.

  • Comment Link aisha Wednesday, 30 August 2017 10:11 posted by aisha

    I really thank maa sunlight for helping bring back my love. The man I love most in my life" I really can't live without him though I most lost him once and all effort trying to get him back was lost I really with the help of maa sunlight I was able to get him back and break the black magic another lady used on him so no one can have him but her. I really appreciate all her efforts because they were not been put to waste. She is indeed a great mother of love...and my man, was already about to get married to the strange one month to their wedding. everything happens like a dream I never wish to wakeup from but before I knew their relationship spoilt and he came back to me begging for forgiveness and marry him. I’m really happy getting married to a man I love. a man that understands me, and respect me, for a woman that I am. Pls readers join me in giving maa osa sunlight praise and if you have problems in your relationship pls contact maa sunlight directly on her email and pls be obedient to follow her instructions so she can help you bring/ restore your falling relationship. She is a mother of love and full of understanding maa sunlight, I really thank you from the bottom of my heart thank you mother for everything. I now have to live a life happily ever after it was all by your grace thanks to you maa.

  • Comment Link MLH205 Sunday, 23 July 2017 16:36 posted by MLH205

    Wow! This was my life! I never knew withholding sex was a trait of a N. I am amazed at how true this article is! So glad I'm not the only one. Towards the end of the marriage he told me we didn't have sex anymore because he was no longer attracted to me. That hurt like hell of course, but it is actually when I knew in my heart it was over.

  • Comment Link Gina Monday, 15 May 2017 14:52 posted by Gina

    Having a past education in mental health and worked in the field, I had some knowledge with personality disorders. But, even I fell victim to this type of person. Naturally, I'm a caring and empathetic person and feel good when I help people or when I show them I care about them. I dated my ex for 12 years. In the beginning, sex was intense and often but quickly realized he can only have it when intoxicated. Needless to say, we were drunk a lot of times in the beginning and having fun without a care. I was only 27 and he was 13 years older than me. He's never been married and had older children who were basically discarded. That was red flag #1 because I'm very close with all the members of my family. I just couldn't understand writing off your own child for good. I also learned he had a problem with authority and actually ended up in prison. However, he's highly intelligent and very well known and a business owner. He got himself out of so many situations, it boggled my mind. He would charm talk judges and lawyers so well that they would actually become friends! But, the most problematic issue in our relationship was the lack of intimacy. Everyone saw it. My parents, our friends, strangers. He wouldn't hold my hand, hug me, kiss me or even walk with me! He would often leave me by myself at events and mingle solo and flirt with strangers or strike up charming conversations with men to gain business deals. He would do this without a care as I sit there downing cocktails out of anxiety, anger and boredom and having small talk with the strangers around me at the even. Ladies, does this sound familiar? You get all dolled up because they expect that and then they leave you sitting at some table while they collect and feed off supply in the room. The ride home is often miserable and you stare out the passenger side window buzzed and sad with a false lash about to fall off from trying to hold back tears wondering why the hell are you even with this man.

    Every time I initiated sex, I was turned down. It was always an excuse however he told me constantly of how attractive and beautiful I was to him. He never wanted any type of intimacy besides a B job. That is all he would consider. I never received pleasure and he flat out got angry at me once for catching me online trying to buy a sex toy. He didn't want me to please myself and he didn't want to please me and he sure the hell didn't want someone else to please me. For 12 damn years, I lived this way. No matter how sexy to dress or layers of makeup you put on or how you styled your hair or how often you went to the gym. NOTHING. I naturally have a high sex drive and never was treated this way in past relationships. Men always desired me so this was a huge blow to my ego and self-esteem. To make matters worse, I caught him on p*rn sites and talking to women on dating sites. His excuse? "If you were a better girlfriend and treated me better, I wouldn't have to resort to this." Yeah, so why didn't I leave? Because I took the blame and tried to be better but you will never be better. You just need to face it. Narcs can't be fixed. If you decide to stay with them, you have to play their game and know not to have ANY expectations of them. So, I left him.

    Guess what now? I walked right into the arms of another narcissist but this time, I remembered the signs and patterns. I think I seek out this type of man and not realize it. I seek men that are broken. I'm not sure why because the men in my family were amazing and loving. I have a need to "fix" people. This is my issue. So, when I realized this new man was following the same pattern. Always flirting, always sexting but never actually wanted to do it and when he did, he had ED issues and was very awkward, didn't perform oral but was down for the B job, didn't touch, didn't hug, hold. After sex, he went stone cold. He would just stare with a blank look on his face or would want to leave and go on with his day. One time, I joked with him as I felt annoyed by his coldness. I told him "Well, that was fun. maybe we can do this in another 10 years." His coldness went straight to sadness. He sulked and couldn't believe I said such a horrible thing and that was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to him and how could I just use him like that. He immediately got up and sat on the opposite side of the couch. I realized this is abandonment issues coming out with him. I felt bad and hugged him and apologized right away.

    After dealing with these two men, I researched the sexual behaviors of narcissists. I've come to the conclusion that these two men have what is called Madonna/Whore Complex. They have no problems have multiple sex partners with people they have no type of "false" emotional attachment to. Both had no problems going to strip clubs and getting it on or going on sites and social media to hook up. My ex of 12 years actually finally admitted to this. They view the women that offer steady supply and emotional support to them as saints and have a very hard time having sex with them. They often want to have sex but internally, they feel it is immoral or repelled at the idea of it. I know both men were highly attracted to me as I was their type emotionally and physically but they just could never be "normal" in a intimate setting. Both required alcohol and a lot of it to initiate sex. It was a sad encounter and I will be very aware of my pattern in seeking out my next boyfriend.

  • Comment Link Christi Monday, 13 March 2017 16:20 posted by Christi

    This sounds a lot like my relationship with my almost ex-husband. I feel like I could have written your words, word for word. Sex was almost non-existent, and when we did have it, it was very cold without any intimacy, loving touch, or foreplay of any kind, including kissing, any kind of touch. It was pretty much let me see that @$$ so I can F*&% you. Now, that we are weeks away from our divorce being final, he wants it all the time. And me like a fool, keeps falling for it. But it is something that I have been without for years and finally getting a bit of what I have been missing. We have been living in the same house (different bedrooms) until our house sells and I can afford to move on. Throughout this whole process of finally loving myself enough to know that I need more than what this narcissist can give me, I have been comforted by the fact that I'm not making this up or too sensitive, or sex starved, or too demanding that I am worthy of love and respect. Thank you for your words and sharing your experiences. It affirms that I am not crazy or making any of this up.

  • Comment Link Bren Montgomery Sunday, 25 December 2016 15:45 posted by Bren Montgomery

    Celebrating Christmas after 17 years of marriage with a severe Narcissist. He's been out 10 months and I filed divorce 8 months ago. Mental, physical and financial abuse. Silent treatment to the ultimate! He started his silent treat three weeks after marriage, pushing his in home office furniture against his office door refusing to even answer my knock for days. Escalated to repeated and longer bouts lasting weeks, months and the latest of one full year in lickdown behind his finger print system door lock device. He never walked outside, checked mailbox nor took trash out only locked behind his finger Print door on his computer working as what he referred to as " Betwirk Marketing" a porn addict that had hidden. Smarts in our home as he watched me in my bedroom from behind his locked door. He hasn't filed taxes on six years and owes for two he has! He treated me worse than a dog! I suffered from the "Stockholm Subdtom" as he discarded me finally by stating he was moving out to see if he could be happier and that I would chNge my attitude. Two months after he left and most of our assets still in my possession.... i fiked divorce and two months later he finally opened his luxury apartment door to be throw. The divorce papers via the process server! He has now moved again leaving no address for his attorney whom has basically fired him as a client! The show goes on and my attorney has a ordervto enforce hearing in January to enforce our mediation agreement! Hope he is a no show and default awarded to me. I am no longer his victim victim yet a survivor. I pray I will continue to gain strength and neved want him in my life again!

  • Comment Link Anela flower Wednesday, 14 December 2016 16:07 posted by Anela flower

    That was the best article I have ever read about Narcissist men. Thank You so much. I Loved it!!! Made me laugh because it is son on point. I'm on the 2nd go around with my Narcissist bf. First time around I was domfounded. Thankfull, I have an Aunt who is a physiologist and when I called her and told her about this guy she simply said, "run for your life sounds like he is a NARC." At that time I didn't know much about narcisisuim but after studying up on it I learned very fast probably had everything to do with being emersed in the NARC abuse. Anyway, my NARC seems to have a lot more going on that just narcissism. Multiple personalities, bi-polar, sociopath... who knows he is all kinds of messed up. I'd like to know what happened to him as a child but he lies so much that I don't know what to believe. He has a creepy relationship with his Mother and he isn't speaking to one of his Aunts bc she accused him with having sex with his Mother. He sick but his expiration date is near. I've always had good men. I am 45 years old my NARC is 49. Before I knew he was a narcissist it was the most lonely and sad times of my life I was suicildal. These articles really help people. Please don't ever stop the awareness. Again, Thank you so much for this article. Sincerely, X

  • Comment Link georgie porgie Saturday, 10 December 2016 14:48 posted by georgie porgie

    I think cerebral narcissists are masturbators and porn addicts. The reason they act so indifferent sexually to their girlfriends and wives is the fact that they've already taken care of themselves sexually on a daily basis, and have no need for us. In other words, they have had sex with their favorite person, and it is themselves.

  • Comment Link marisa Friday, 02 December 2016 01:17 posted by marisa

    Wow!!!!! I felt like youI was reading about my marriage. Its so awful and difficult to completely walk away, especially when there are kids involved. I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster, my current goal is to try my damndest to not react. Its a constant challenge everyday for me. I am glad I came across this, thank you for this article.

  • Comment Link Anita Linville Tuesday, 22 November 2016 04:51 posted by Anita Linville

    This article describes my husband and life as if there was a fly on my wall recording every aspect of it! OMG!! I thought I was the only one. I truly did!

  • Comment Link Yvonne Tuesday, 22 November 2016 01:30 posted by Yvonne

    Thank you so much for giving me clarity - I thought I was insane.

  • Comment Link Dora T. Tuesday, 08 November 2016 23:09 posted by Dora T.

    Thank you so much for this account. I'm around stage 3. My husband bugs me for sex CONSTANTLY even while I am at work (I work from home a lot). I am stuck - he threatens to leave me, cheat on me etc. He tells me I am a bad wife and bad "housewife" (even though I work a professional job and bring home good money - which he lives off of while not holding a job for the last 10 years). He tells me I am bad at everything, wrong about everything, inhuman (yes that's his favorite - he likes to tell me I'm not human or unlike any other normal human), or frigid, dumb, a slob, etc. He loves to insinuate that I am cheating and would love it if I never left the house. Thank god for my child who is the light of my life! I am not sure of a way forward since he is living off of me, but I deeply appreciate your account because it reminds me that I am not alone and NOT imaging this! THank you!

  • Comment Link Donewithyou Saturday, 22 October 2016 12:28 posted by Donewithyou

    Im coming out on top here..That's my goal at least...see I handle everything at home like im sure most of you do. We have a 15 yr history , I know passwords everything so it was easy to find his side chics. I contacted them and they shot him down. Even after they dumped him he tries to pit me against them. Truth is those girls gave me all the info I needed to realize that he was a narcissist, that "everything " wasn't my fault and I didn't need to try and hold on anymore. I've gone on to turn the tables on him, making his life miserable. I learned from the best. He is paranoid that I maybe contacted this or that person. I play his mind games on him. And hurt his ego when I get a chance. There are plenty of articles on how to. I guess when you learn enough about how superficial , unstable , and insecure they really are, the control comes back to you. This is not to say I don't get insults, low key put me downs, and mind games thrown my way, but my mind is stronger now. I don't believe a word he says anymore. Still hurts, but I'm trying to do me now. Plan to divorce him, but planning takes low key intelligence and putting up with them for a bit more. Like I tell him, since it's all about winning, if I stay married , I win, i still use his money,have the house he pays , have the key's to the sports car (and I won't give them back till the divorce is thru, ) and withhold sex if I want to. I have control. And if I divorce him, I win, I keep the house which has a good profit potential, I'll invest it in income property, have his child support and alimony payments...and if I go back to work, I became a nurse while I was a stay home mom and his servant. .... I win. And THAT pisses him off. I played the game better. And it didn't have to be that way if he hadn't ran off and had his multiple emotional and possibly sexual affairs ( even tho he swears he never did) .he could have just ended it the right way and not laughed and rubbed it in my face..but i won't stick around. I've held on long enough, waited for him to change, put up with the put me downs , criticisms and discard phase. Lost a baby due to all the stress of finding out he was cheating . No more. See ya ..I pitty him.. really wish I could believe when he says he's trying. Then walks always talking crap about how there's plenty of fish in the sea and how he always has a plan B. Lol. Kk baby boy. Good for you. Good luck. Let's see how fulfilling that is to you. :)

  • Comment Link Annie Wednesday, 28 September 2016 05:17 posted by Annie

    Sounds like my marriage. He's also a porn addict and he cheats with other women. To all his friends and the woman he's cheating with, I'm a crazy woman who fights with him all the time. The reality is, I'm walking on eggshells trying to raise a family. I had to ignore and look the other way or he would blow up in front of the kids. I chose to live this way because one of my kids has special needs and I haven't worked in many years. I'm also the only involved parent they have. He just doesn't want to be involved in raising them. He stays up late every night sometimes sleeping for 4 hours. He started withholding sex when he wanted me to work. I knew he was having an affair. I wasn't sure if he was trying to separate. I think I held my own and that made him more angry because I wasn't reacting just carrying on. I did start looking for a job because I'm scared of depending on him. He has mommy issues and doesn't respect women in general. I realize now after reading this post, he's a true narcissist. what he wanted out of this marriage is control and the freedom to put his needs first. I think children are a threat to a narcissist. Would love to hear from others if their narcisstic partners were great dads/moms?

  • Comment Link Larry Saturday, 27 August 2016 15:47 posted by Larry

    This is quite simular to my situation (i am a man, and i hope i am welcome here). She quit allowing me to kiss her years ago. I am tired of begging for sex,and it is affecting my self esteem. I also have a high sex drive,but five times in one year is difficult. When she wants sex, i masturbate her until she is arroused,and the she takes over with a vibrator. This would be alright, but she doesnt touch me at all. She cheats on me and i am finally learning she is a narcissist. I am married and held to those standards and she is single. Getting stronger and getting out of here.

  • Comment Link benny Friday, 15 July 2016 10:38 posted by benny

    We are married for 8 years and before marriage 3 yrs was in love. being in India due to culture we get less chance to talk about sex and sex before marriage. I could relate everything what is been said here. We are sleeping in a separate room for 4 months. No love.. no intimacy.. no family connection.. I love him so much. he is using me for my money only. Even I trust he would change if I give him what he wants and proper councelling. But I also have fear that he will use me and throw in the dustbin. Oops.. im tired of analyzing him. One day good.. one day devil.. I'm cried, begged, poured him enough love and enough support from my family also.. he used us like anything by praising them.. once over he talks very very bad about them. I hv a doubt will he change or I have to come out.

  • Comment Link Sara Sunday, 03 July 2016 10:53 posted by Sara

    My husband and I have been married 6 years and I have always complained to him why he only gives attention when he wants sex. He is not the same person I married. He has lied to me for years. Our conversations are always arguments about how I'm too emotional or he doesn't want to hear the same thing. He will come right out and talk about sex and how he has a high sex drive like I am suppose to get on my knees and go at it. He puts no effort into the relationship because he say if he did all the time than I would expect it. After thinking I was the problem for years I realize he has been gas lighting me. Now that I want to get out he is trying to control me and tell me how I'm the bad person.

  • Comment Link Faith Friday, 24 June 2016 13:51 posted by Faith

    Very long story short my husband pressured me for we for almost 3 years. Like he would road me places and the ask over n over I took you here so can we have sex now? Wasn't just that a lot of physical approaching but that was very uncomfortable like leaning over me and not moving after I asked . Or until I gave in. Even if he got "it" like twice a day that still wasn't good enough he'd constantly pressure me mentally and physically such as leaning over me or when I said wait an hour or tomorrow and I meant it. He'd say " if you'd just give me what I want" and I haven't been able to relax for years. Yeah when we dated all the above you stated dreamy, polite, foot rubs, romance. Literally on our honey moon I was going to change Into something see for him it was out honeymoon! He got out the lab too and ignored me and started looking on FB and there was a girl friend request and I just asked who she was and he told me he had had a huge crush on her a long time and this was on our honeymoon! And so I felt bad but then still had sex cuz of our honeymoon but I was very upset! He said oh she's with Somone else now. But why tel me on the honeymoon? And then after that like I said pressured was even when he was already getting it. Couldn't go passed a few days or a week. It's a problem cuz I worked 40 and sometimes 50 hours a week. After much fighting he's gone 7 months not pressuring as much but still gets very upset. And now he's starting to hold me in a grip and I ask him to let me go and he refuses . I ask him 4 times he says nothing and refuses! He's done this a lot throughout . I'm thinking I should get a divorce ? Been married almost 4 years and not just that 1st week we got married he wanted to have a baby! Like the first week! He's obsessed with having a kid. I would've been ok with it but once he started pressuring me constantly I didn't want to bring a kid I to that . Please any advice . And yes he does that silent thing constantly! I get upset because of how he treats me he tells me to put it in the passed even if it happened a week ago ... That is the gripping me and all. Should I just get out?! It stinks cuz he can be a good provider and open doors for you and everything else but I don't know how to fully trust him now and he insists that I do. I'd love to be married and have sex of course!! But not when he makes me feel like what you said like a human doll

  • Comment Link Moon Baby Monday, 20 June 2016 06:58 posted by Moon Baby

    ,,42 years. Agony. I'm nothing, empty, humiliated, alone, confused , on and on I'm done tired. Sick. I'm bipolar. Responsible and medicated. Been balanced for several years. Always my fault for being the crazy bzzzh! In discard mode I guess. After 42 years. Hopeless. MB

  • Comment Link Mercedes Westbrook Friday, 10 June 2016 17:15 posted by Mercedes Westbrook

    Brilliantly explained, true - thank you we are not alone x

  • Comment Link BB Friday, 08 April 2016 05:22 posted by BB

    This IS my life! I am so depressed and really hate my life with him. He can be a great guy and he's always there for everyone, except me. I feel like a fool. We dated for 7 years before getting married, we lived together for only a short time before getting married and as soon as we were married, BOOM everything changed! We have 3 children together, the last 2 he did to control me, the baby is only one, I don't want to go into how that happened but I feel utterly defeated! I am so depressed, I don't want to be so miserable all the time in this loveless, basically sexless & broken marriage. I don't know how to end it. He manipulates our kids and they beg me to let him come back or stay but emotionally, I can't take the abuse and neglect any more. I am a great person, I deserve to be loved and feel love! I don't want to cry anymore. I've been seeing a counselor or 2 years now, he's been going with me for the last year and he has the therapist under his spell. She thinks he's a nice guy and of course he didn't mean that, she even answers for him. Please God help me to escape?

  • Comment Link Bratgrl918 Wednesday, 30 March 2016 01:18 posted by Bratgrl918

    WOW! I felt like I was reading my own story. OMGoodness! Except the sex part. The sex was always very good if not great!Thank you thank you thank you! I'm not the only one. So good to know. A year later? He's purposely messing with me. WHY? He has to pay me the balance of the divorce settlement. It's pocket change to him and yet he's dragging this out. WHY? Just give me my money and let's be done with it. We would never need to contact each other again about anything all he has to do is give me the rest of the money. WHich he has stated he would many time only to short the final payment by a lot. Grrrrrr I do not respond with hostility but it doesn't seem to work either. So I have asked for updates politely when I get the usual "LIE" I don't respond. I just file it away.

  • Comment Link Healing magic Wednesday, 10 February 2016 22:52 posted by Healing magic

    WOW this is my 20 years of controlled sex life and I had to be beaten up by him in 2011 to realise no matter what I do, it will never be enough for him. Since then the breakthrough came, but divorcing him and still in process of ending it, the trauma I have endured, I doubt everything about myself. You are so right, even if people can live with them, why would you want to? I know I stayed because I was so petrified of him and financial freedom was not there. I still haven't got head around money but now I have come to accept that I have to take my chance and it will be better than him controlling everything, from mind, body and soul.
    I have been telling this to my counselor so long, didn't feel understood but it's incredible what you have written is spot on, so I am not alone and there are others like you, who get the hurt.

    PS (I too have a healthy sex drive, but was made to feel it was high.)

  • Comment Link Brittney Wednesday, 10 February 2016 22:40 posted by Brittney

    Actually, I'm going through a divorce with mine. He made me feel like the most important person in his world. Once we were married after the two years he changed. Starting saying i needed help and then the verbal, mental, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse started.. Well after supporting financially for 3 years while he was in school. He decided one day that I wasn't changing and he left me.. Then asked for a divorce. My world crashed upon my feet and I was left picking up the pieces. He said I had changed because I started to question him about money and him not doing things for me. So even when I didnt want to believe he was a horrible person.. I asked to reconcile and he still refuses. He bases it on me and the fact that I didnt change. No he used me until he was done with school and left.

  • Comment Link Whyohwhy Thursday, 04 February 2016 02:19 posted by Whyohwhy

    My narc is one or the other. He basically wants what I don't. If I want it, then nah....if I don't, if I'm busy, tired etc, he really wants it.

  • Comment Link sandra abdullah Wednesday, 13 January 2016 12:09 posted by sandra abdullah

    iv done a little research lately, and before felt i was going mad. iv decided to be back to the strong woman i am, control is not love, iv taken off my commitment ring, he dosnt deserve, to have ownership of me. if he cant live a normal loving relationship, its time for me to move on. i live with him, but ill leave if need be, living on daughters sofa, is better than messing up my head, and losing myself and my marbles. iv been played but no more, he can sort his own messed up emotions out, there his not mine, im responsible for me, from now on. goodluck everyone. you deserve a loving caring partner

  • Comment Link Anon Sunday, 03 January 2016 01:47 posted by Anon

    Thank you for this article. I am married to a narc, and out sex life is terrible. He does not care about my wants or needs. We do not even sleep in the same bedroom (his idea of course). He acts very sweet, but is a covert narc and it has been very painful because he puts in the good guy act in public, and dieting thinks he is a great guy and husband. If I had the money I would leave. Hopefully I will someday. The sex was always awful even in the begginning, he only lasts seconds to a minute in bed. But I fell for his sweet guy act and thought I could live with the terrible sex because he was 'perfect' I every other way. It was all an act on his part. He does not even attempt to hold back. I am For the first time in my
    life, Persuing an affair. Just the thought of getting back at him by doing this gives me some satisfaction. He is getting exactly what he deserves.

  • Comment Link Peter Thursday, 10 December 2015 23:40 posted by Peter

    Maybe he's not a Narcissist. Perhaps through a process of emotional abuses the woman has damaged the relationship to the point where he cannot devote any emotion, but has a shield up, and continues with her out of duty. The woman calls him a Narcissist because she refuses to see her own contribution to the final state of the relationship.

  • Comment Link Newly aware Friday, 13 November 2015 01:17 posted by Newly aware

    Hey, I've been dating my narc for five years. The suspicions wouldn't go away, till finally I read through his phone and discovered that he had been cheating on me with his"ex". Long story short, I will not be cheated on. I enjoy sex and have made this long without ever getting and std, and if like to keep it that way. So. . I broke up with him. No contact! I've been reading so many helpful articles that really have made this a little easier to deal with. But I miss the sex. I miss it so much. But the article that led me to make this comment talked about how sex was used against me since the beginning.
    I'm so angry because I fed into it so well. There were times I would practically beg for it, and now that I've made the conscience decision to really go no contact. What happens to me and my very high libido? I'm so afraid that I'll turn into a wanton sex craved, whore. How can I move on without becoming whorish?

  • Comment Link Wendy Wells Wednesday, 07 October 2015 02:24 posted by Wendy Wells

    OMG! You recounted my ex used sex from the start. OMG, thank you this is something i have never been able to verbalize, thank you so much, this was like the last peace to complete the puzzle. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you, thank you thank you!!!

  • Comment Link Diane Kinsey Sunday, 20 September 2015 14:58 posted by Diane Kinsey

    I have just ended a 2 year relationship with somebody who showed me no love and whenever I asked him if he did love me? his answer was " no" followed by a laugh and " only joking". Sex didn't happen very often, it could be once a month or two months. Whenever I went near him he would refuse and when we did have sex it was cold, no touching etc then he would get straight out of bed and go downstairs I felt like a prostitute. I cried so many tears and asked him "why"? He would just look at me as if I was stupid and I never got an answer. Id text him nice messages and I rarely got one back.,when we first met he told me he had lost his sex drive and I should have seen that as a red flag. He never did anything about it until he was pushed and went to see a Dr and had testosterone tests all normal and came home with Viagra which lived in the cupboard for a month. Eventually he took one and that was a month ago. He went away fishing for a week came back and still didn't want sex. It all came to an end this week when we had a big fight and I left. Iv not heard from him since and I haven't contacted him and will not. I only wanted to love him and him love me back but he couldn't do that. I have cried a river infront of him many times pleading and begging but it got me nowhere. Last week he was ogling women on the telly half dressed young girls I was hurt and offended. He has done a lot of damage but I am a strong woman and I refuse to take any more of his crap.,I was a loyal girlfriend to him I could have easily have chose an affair route but that would only be cheating me. I have walked away with my head held high knowing in my heart that I tried and tried hard. I would rather be lonely on my own than lonely in a relationship. It hurts that he sees me as a needy nuisance he dosnt care how I feel and Im angered that he has blamed me for his actions. I still love him but I can't be with him anymore. I'm 54 years old and I want to be happy now and not lying in bed with a cold hearted person. My heart is in pieces but I will go on

  • Comment Link bob Wednesday, 26 August 2015 07:03 posted by bob

    Bit harsh to men this....I am in this look after my son and sex is a weapon used against me.I am made to feel like a disgusting animal and sex freak for wanting to get intimate. Yet she has even read this things before me and acts like it is me that is the issue. I get a erg to bond with my lady I move on it and become shot down and verbally insulted and made to feel low then in the end once broken she "allows" me to pleasure her...

  • Comment Link julie in hayward, ca. Wednesday, 26 August 2015 02:45 posted by julie in hayward, ca.

    This describes my lonesome shallow sexless life To a t. I have beenthrogh it all. The battering has ended(Fr awhile at least). I'm on my forth month of no sex now. Though he just read over my shoulder the article preceeding this message, you'd think that if he realized now that I am love starved to the point of leaving and he'd feel sorry for the lack of warm intimacy in my life. Not. He just said to me.."why are you reading that shit?! Then he got up and walked away!!!!I really want a plan to find the road to cuddly friendship and the contentment it brings. Etc...thanks for reading...

  • Comment Link Eb888 Tuesday, 28 July 2015 10:54 posted by Eb888

    I grew up with a narcissistic mother, but never realised until I was 50 yrs old. Married my first bf and he was emotionally and physically abusive. Left him after 23 years, and the next 3 relationships were with Narcs too. Last one was a cerebral narc, total head spinning stuff. The moment you disagree or make the slightest comment not agreeing, they recoil and omgosh it was cutting and draining.
    More later

  • Comment Link brandi Tuesday, 09 June 2015 07:02 posted by brandi

    i am realizeing that my husband is a narcissist. all i can do is cry. i cant stop crying because I am so heartbroken that my husband don't and never will love me. my spirit is crushed.

  • Comment Link Leyla Tuesday, 21 April 2015 18:02 posted by Leyla

    Its all very familiar... I've just come out of a relationship with someone who I believe was a narcissist. The worst part is that he is a GP and I feel sorry for his patients. He had many of his patients whom complained about him and they were always in the wrong... Interestingly, I heard on the radio that one of the jobs attracts narcissits is being doctor... Isn't it worrying?!!!

  • Comment Link RMiller Tuesday, 14 April 2015 19:43 posted by RMiller

    This is my husband of 17 years. I'm actually mentally ill after being with him. He fits the description of cerebral narcissist. Our issues are mostly about sex (or lack of) and his preference for self gratification. It's broken me.

  • Comment Link immabasurvivor Thursday, 26 March 2015 02:39 posted by immabasurvivor

    I burst into tears when I read, "narcissists use their partners as warm, living blow up dolls".. I have been living in hell for 6 years and I'm just beginning to get it..he's not only a narcissist, but a sociopath to boot!
    Thank you so much for this info, it's helped me realize I've been right since the love turned sour just the months in..I've been mind f***k*d until I'm almost not here anymore....I've gotta get the hell away from this man..

  • Comment Link bemyself Monday, 16 March 2015 06:31 posted by bemyself

    omg-live blow up doll -tick
    -entrapped post birth of first baby-tick.......

    this article has been very enlightening-has explained so much.

  • Comment Link Nicolette Sunday, 15 March 2015 22:23 posted by Nicolette

    Thank you. I am in a relationship with a narcissist and I finally have confidence that all my sacrifices, being ALWAYS available for sex (which started amazing, became less and less intimate, more and more demeaning and perverted), being criticized daily & believing there was something wrong with me as he very specifically repeats to me once a week at least, that I am responsible for 99.9% of our communication problems. I never understood what was happening as he told me I am changing & he is the same man I fell in love with...he is lying. He is a narcissist. The only change in me was holding onto & believing I am worthy. He has not kissed me in over 6 months. When I bring it up, he says I need to let things happen naturally & then puts porn on or calls a sex hotline. Learning about narcissism and his giving me a supposed ultimatum that if I don't stop asking for more intimacy and if I won't help him pursue a swinger lifestyle that he would leave me. I tried it all to please him and hate myself more each time...he sees me sad & says I'm dramatic cuz I know I want it. I know our sex life is 'a thrill' but after living with a man who ignores me & offers zero intimacy - I finally realized I'm merely a toy for his pleasure and he does not seem to understand at all why I would want to be affectionate when we can achieve orgasms without it. Yuck I'm so disgusted with myself & am in the process of regaining my independence. He cost me my job and my car...I see the control so much cleared now. I love myself enough to not wish to live my life being ignored and used. All of your comments have given me the strength to know I am no longer alone.

  • Comment Link bluehorsemom46 Wednesday, 04 March 2015 18:39 posted by bluehorsemom46

    My story is very similar but with a strange twist. I have been married for 31 years. My husband has never been interested in sex and when we first started dating it was actually refreshing for me after dating men who were constantly wanting it. We seemed to enjoy each others company, like talking and doing things together. Boy did that backfire on me! Now we enjoy nothing together.

    I finally made the first move after 1 1/2 years of dating. It turned out to be so awkward. He told me it was his first time (at 28?) (Years later I found out I was actually his 2 partner) I said" I Love You", got no response back and felt like a fool. When he finally did say it months later I was told he won't say it again till he feels otherwise. I always was the one to initiate sex and he always seemed so far away when we did have it. After we were married it was even less often maybe 2/3 times a month. Through the years he would want to snuggle to go to sleep and as I lay there attracted to him and wanting it, he would fall asleep instantly as if I was his security blanket. He would tell me he "missed me" when I didn't spend the night at home. I couldn't figure it out. When I would ask why he wasn't interested in sex he would use the excuse he had things on his mind, work, money flow and so on. If we had sex a couple of times a years I was lucky. Now We haven't had sex in years and I am no longer attracted to him. It gets to me mentally and physically though since I have a "normal" drive but I have no interest in an affair.

    A few years into the marriage, and pregnant with my 1st, I discovered in the basement totes full of women's clothing/accessories, I became very upset and confronted him. I found out he was a cross dresser. In tears he told me about how it started as a child and so on, years went by and I became the supporting wife, went to counseling, meetings, helping etc. The more supportive I became it seemed though the more he would be secretive about it. To a point if I tried to talk about it he became angry. I realized he would masturbate when alone and dressed as "her" and I started putting 1+1 together. He didn't need me for any emotional/physical needs because he was very happy with this "other woman". I became someone he emulated and I would constantly find that he would copy my taste in clothing as I would acquire something new. We went to counseling and all I got out of it was he will never change. (was not looking to stop the cross-dressing, but our relationship)
    I have come to the conclusion he isn't interested in me but as an object to hide behind who he really is. Between the secret closet cross-dressing and his Narcissistic behavior I have come to feel that however and whatever I feel is "normal" isn't. From wanting a relationship, being a parent, my values or having goals.
    Reading other posts here verifies that that isn't true, but I don't know how to begin to start changing things. No family or friends who understand. He has always been in control of our money since I was a stay at home Mom for many years. I have been working part time for a few years now but that doesn't make any difference to him. I am still worthless in his eyes. Of course he says that isn't true, but we know actions speak louder than words.

  • Comment Link VRonKG Sunday, 22 February 2015 09:51 posted by VRonKG

    Thank you for your insightful and honest article. I have been living with a narcissist for 24 years and only recently realised there was nothing wrong with me:( we have two beautiful girls and he has been cheating and lying for nearly our entire relationship as well as abusuve and your story is exactly what he has been doing to me.

    I'm waiting for my daughter to finish her final year this year and then we are leaving. He is currently giving me the silent treatment and I'm happy about that! I just pray this year flies by......

  • Comment Link jacqui Tuesday, 03 February 2015 17:52 posted by jacqui

    OMG! We have lived identical lives! I'm so glad I am not alone, I thought I was going demented!

  • Comment Link anni Friday, 30 January 2015 20:13 posted by anni

    Ugh. This sounds like my husband He has me so fed up I have accidentally took consolence in my coworker. We havent done anything yet but i am falling for him. i want t leave my husband but he says he will change.

  • Comment Link Edri Tuesday, 27 January 2015 09:19 posted by Edri

    I've been reading this article - exactly the same as what I am going through. (sorry for the spelling, actually Afrikaans) I need help. I want to leave my narcissistic husband. I have 2 sons, one 9 years and other one 16. we are going to a marriage counsellor tomorrow, know its just petrol on the fire, but I want someone else point of view to tell him this wont work. how many chances do you have to give. Beating, verbal molesting, tried to strangle me, all above mentioned in the article. I think I've had enough

  • Comment Link Ashley Friday, 16 January 2015 15:17 posted by Ashley

    My husband is a narrsacist. We were dating and he was perfect and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I became pregnant after a few months and he insisted that we get married and move in together. As soon as we got married I felt trapped and I felt isolated from all my friends. I couldn't go to the store alone. He insisted he do everything for me and I mean literally. I was always an independent person. I was pregnant and my sex drive was low from being sick all the time. He would guilt me saying I didn't give him any affection. He had his "best friend" who he had sexual relations with and I told him the relationship made me uncomfortable I asked him not to be her friend anymore, he told me "if I get rid of her you need to be what she is for." We had complications with the pregnancy and it was advised to terminated the pregnancy. We agreed it was the right Choice. The day after I had done it he said he wanted a
    Dovorce. He constantly would tell me I'm the reason our marriage failed and that I was the problem: I drove myself crazy wondering what it was I was doing wrong. I tried to be more affectionate even though I was severely depressed over the baby and couldn't see why he didn't see that. He would tell at me and tell me "I killed his child" after we agreed and the dr agreed it was the best choice. He then got so angry he would start to to beat me and then say it was my fault that I pushed him to loose control. After the second time he beat me I left and moved out. We are still getting divorced but now he is trying to use me as a sex toy thinking I'll jump back into bed with him. He has sent me messages saying when he had me on the floor (after hitting me) he was thinking about having sex with me. It is not normal for people to feel this way. He insists on getting divorced but then trys to keep me close, why is that? I want the divorce and nothing to do with him but he goes through phases where he is acting like he did when we first met. I am not 100% but I think my husband is a narrsacist.

  • Comment Link Christopher Beaumont Friday, 24 October 2014 18:19 posted by Christopher Beaumont

    First, women are like this as well!! For those who are parents, it is my opinion that these patterns, while perhaps partially physiological, begin in childhood, resulting from how we as parents respond to their needs and desires... ie over protecting, fixing, not letting them endure consequences of their choices, or spoiling them, and not maintaining healthy boundaries with/for/around them. Girls shouldn't be "princesses" to their fathers, boys shouldn't be co-dependently "the man around the house" to rescue and take care of their mothers... and certainly the reverse is equally unhealthy. I believe that a healthy focus on independence, interdependence within the home and relationships, having and respecting boundaries, and stewardship over ones health, finances, mental health, knowledge and intellect, and religious worldview are essential to generational health of families. While this may have gone wrong for many of us... our choices, as well as healing and learning from our past, WILL effect the family legacy we leave behind through our children.

  • Comment Link em Tuesday, 16 September 2014 21:32 posted by em

    it really hurts

  • Comment Link Feeling GOOd Finally! Saturday, 09 August 2014 15:07 posted by Feeling GOOd Finally!

    I can't begin to explain how I can relate to everyone and this article. After 12 years of being with my narcisstic husband I finally have enough emotional and mental strength to leave. Even despite this I wish he would just treat me and my children better and we can be a happy family. Sometimes I do reconsider my decision but as soon as he talks to me with the insults and put downs and criticizng things I doing under the guise of helping me, I am reminded of how selfish, mean spirited and unloving he is. He actually told me that I was stupid, dumb and straight up crazy and then w/n that same hour said you don"t know how much I love u...What? I no longer sucuumb to the silent treatments and 3am "booty calls"with no apologies because :I am trying to make up with you" and then treat me exactly the same the next morning as I am a servant to him. He literally does not care about me when I tell him what upsets me he tells me this. What a fool I am to put my heart, soul, finances and children into this person who actually threatened me that he would have sex with other women if I didn't have sex with him-and we are not even together! I told him do what you have to.. he has been cheating on me the whole time we were together! My daughter told me I deserve better than this! Wow what an awakening moment!

  • Comment Link Melissa Tuesday, 22 July 2014 01:58 posted by Melissa

    I am married to a narcissist for one full agonizing year this past saturday. I knew i had a problem on my hands almost the next day after i married the thing. It is hard to deal with the things he does. Its constant confrontation and conflict. He travels out if town with work which i get my sanity back till he returns. He still pitches his tantrums even while gone. But at least i dont have ro look at the troll for the time being. The thing that will forever haunt me is he left me a week after my mother died. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. I knew he was more than trouble. He still he did no wrong its always my fault everything is. But i could care less anymore what he thinks or says. He gets very angry with me for telling him like it is. He dont like me being so independent he cant get gis way all the time so he does silent treatment he screams calls me names he will ignore me if i txt. He disrespects me greatly he will withhold sex all the things that are common with the disorder. I told him i will respect you when pigs fly and the thing of it is he is not that attractive at all. I just dont see how these people think the way they do at the end of the day. Reading the things these people do makes me so angry because of the sheer misery they dish out. I can now probably spot one a mile away.

  • Comment Link brandnewday Sunday, 20 July 2014 13:50 posted by brandnewday

    We were together for nearly 7 years. From the first time I was with him it was amazing. He was handsome, fit. The sex was incredible. 3-4 times a day. I couldn't believe I was so lucky & he was still single. I was crazy about him in no time. He was never very emotionally open & told me he loved me but would probably never be able to love me the 'way I wanted' but I thought it would turn out ok. Obviously he loved me! I knew he was 'difficult' but we got one so well and so much in common & had a great time when we were together. There were no problems with our relationship at all. I treated him like a prince doing everything I could for him. I loved spending my time with him & loved the abundance of brilliant sex.

    After a while he began to pick on me. Criticise what i was wearing, how I drove, how I kept my house, never complimenting me. He would get dark & moody when he came to my house but in a good mood at his ( we never lived together - he refused). The sex, while still adundant & interesting, became less 'intimate' - no kissing, no hugging, he would just get straight up & shower.
    I first heard about his female 'friend' about 5 months into our relationship. I knew she was past lover but he swore they were nothing but friends & hardly ever spoke. Things started to change when we had our first and only fight. (You could not fight with him as he would just shut down, go quiet & not speak for hours.) I told him I wanted more, some commitment. He told me he couldn't do it but then we kept on seeing each other. He would call me up & ask me out. Little did I know that he then went into the process of setting up a new 'supply' with this old flame while keeping me going until it was a sure thing. When I got back from spending Christmas with my family I found out that he had flown her in from OS, she had stayed at his house & spent Christmas with his family. When he told me he was OS working he was there having sex with her, only days after me. I was devastated & humiliated. He never admitted to any of this until afterward - I found out through other sources. He told me he was bored & wanted to do something different. I always treated him so well & couldn't understand what I had done wrong. Why would he need to be with someone else or having sex with someone else when he had all he needed right here? He seemed to completely forget I existed & would not answer my texts or emails. After 7 years I was wiped out without a word. It was driving me to the point of craziness. I have been seeing a psychologist & she told me he had Narcissistic personality Disorder. I did some research and it all fell into place.

    After talking to wives of his friends I discovered that his last girlfriend who he also dumped out or 'boredom' after 8 years, had complained that she could NEVER get him to have sex. I couldn't work out why he was so sexually driven with me but totally obstained with her. But thank you - your article has explained things better & it now makes more sense. I have tired & failed to go NC many times but think I have finally had enough. He has done nothing but make my life miserable & I deserve better. My heart goes out to all the other woman fighting back & rediscovering their self esteem & worth after being with a Narcissist. It is a deep hole and a long road but we will all rediscover our self esteem & inner peace in the end.

  • Comment Link Mel Wednesday, 09 July 2014 23:38 posted by Mel

    I could say so much about this disorder but in a nutshell...after twenty years of living with my partner's baffling negative attitude, daily put downs, my flaws constantly being highlighted,no intimacy and sadly so much more, the last part of the article said it all for me. For the last ten years I have described my partner as a pie chart with a qtr missing. I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it - well now I have! So the next twenty years wont be the same, it wont be easy repairing myself but now I know what i've been up against I wont let it get any worse!

  • Comment Link Anonymous Monday, 28 April 2014 13:21 posted by Anonymous

    My ex told me there emus be something wrong with me or in my past to cause HM not to want to have sex with me. He then came to the conclusion that I must have been molested as a child, and without any proof or relevance he put that in our court divorce paperwork and accused me of having a "psychosis"...which I have also not been diagnosed with, nor do I have any history of mental or psychological issues.

    This article describes exactly the relationship I have been living for the past few years. It is frightening to thin that these types of people are out there.

  • Comment Link Moon Friday, 25 April 2014 18:54 posted by Moon

    My 40th anniversary is in November. I always had the feeling that something was different about our marriage. I was fresh out of a marriage with a sociopath. I remarried by the time I was 20 with a son. Ripe pickings for my narcis. Started with controlling behavior. Not until recently that I discovered the true depth of what I was dealing with. I am nothing. Invisible. No knowledge of who I really am. Drank heavily for years hiding in numbness. My escape. No family support since all they see is the charming side. I'm frightened out of my wits. I turned 60 yrs young this young this year. How do I handle my "golden years"? I need friends. I want a sex life.
    I feel so stupid, empty, totally alone. I forgot how to Function as a real living human being. I don't know how to recall the years of abuse. Denial I suppose. My way survival. By the Grace of God go I.

  • Comment Link Mrs. Shadow Friday, 11 April 2014 18:04 posted by Mrs. Shadow

    Kinda nice to know that there are so many others that have and are going through life with a narcissist. I am in the beginning stages of a separation. I must say I have mixed emotions about everything. Out of all the things I continue to read about individuals with narcissistic traits, I am afraid to admit it, but it just confirms and validates my life the last five years. It is amazing, even through the mess and emotional mess of separating, this man is still calling and texting to tell me how wonderful he is doing at work and how he was commended on his performance. However, now I can chuckle thinking…gee, so starved are we? Now we are seeking any cost to fill that strong desire to be "the man"
    I like one of the other readers mentioned was expected to be "available" for sex whenever it suited him. Never mind the fact he could care less if myself or the kids were even present in the house etc. I could never understand how in the world he thought I was going to lay down with him after he would just lay on his back while I tend to all of life's dirty work.
    I have always been spunky and outspoken. This was no different when he met me. Except after a while, when I started calling him on his indiscretions, his lack of involvement in our marriage and was directly honest that it was hard for me to find him attractive because emotionally he was starving me. To that he told me, I like to be close to you and I will emotionally starve you because you won't have sex with me. Even explaining my feelings (obviously), counseling, endless crying, and pleading failed miserably. But, there came a point where emotionally I began to feel numb. I forgot what it was like to share a meaningful kiss, I forgot what it was like to have someone hug you after a long day, and I forgot what it was like to have a person who seemed interested in and enjoyed speaking to me.
    I refuse to do what he does and philander in pursuit of someone to provide the attention that he so desperately needs. I received a text message saying "we should find other people because he is a very sexual person." Sadly enough, I am not fighting things anymore and I have too much self worth to continue to be this man's verbal punching bag and sex slave.
    It is now time for me to regain back everything I let this man take from me. I can now go to bed at night, and I don't have to stress about when the next verbal tirade will begin. I think I can finally heal and learn to move on.

  • Comment Link sharon buscall Tuesday, 08 April 2014 21:01 posted by sharon buscall

    All of the above is so true, my ex narc could never make love everything was sordid, and he was always totally selfish, I remember one occasion when he was in the height of passion his eyes turned black , I have never forgotten how much that scared me.
    before I married him, he told me he didn't want a shallow life he had, I was the love of his life, and wanted to have a normsal family life, also to remind him when he stepped out of line, I did this then he told his family I was the drama queen, how could he have done all this, I left him 15 times in 3 years, but kept going back as I had previously left a marriage of 34 years for him, I remember so clearly in the early part of our relationship he cried and said I cant do this to you, was he saying he knew how it would all end???

  • Comment Link Happiness Will Come Again Saturday, 08 March 2014 07:08 posted by Happiness Will Come Again

    Thank you all for posting and for the original article. My life mirrors it from the chase, to the marriage, to the ultimate control,and now that my kids are older to him moving on rather than staying to work things out. I also agree with the people who have posted that say here is little hope for change. This man does what he wants, when he wants. His happiness and satisfaction come first above all others, even as he is constantly proclaiming something to the contrary. He says he is selfless and giving. That could not be farther from the truth. The support I feel in reading all of your words is invaluable and has brought me some much needed comfort.

  • Comment Link Relieved Sunday, 26 January 2014 16:26 posted by Relieved

    To the woman who wrote on Dec. 26, 2013 regarding an urge to go back to him. Please don't and listen to your instinct. You love him yes but he loves himself more. You are never going to find what you desire as long as you are with him. You are a "narcissistic supply" to him. As long as you keep engaging that is all you are ever going to be. Read everything you can a narcissism. There rarely is a cure. I am writing to you because on this very day I broke off a relationship with a extreme narcissist. It took me a year to break it off but I did it. After reading I found out because I would keep engaging with him that I was a "narcissistic supply" to him. He would tell me everything I needed to hear. Admitting to some fault, he would continue therapy (not for long though), he has minor recoverable faults etc. As soon as I am back under his control, things would fall in place again. In that short time I was raged upon, controlled, argued with constantly, charmed, and so on. I was even scolded upon for not acting correctly when I met his adult son! Meaning we (as a couple) we there to show his son what a great couple we were. I expressed to him that I did not have to "sell myself" to anyone and that is 26 year old son could decide for himself whether he liked me or not! Did I love him I sure did. Was he good for me absolutely not. When I say read all you can on narcissism it is so that it will keep you moving forward to never look back for your own healthy state of mind. Keep moving forward with everything you have, don't engage. After you stop he will move on to full fill his need.

  • Comment Link Moving forward Sunday, 26 January 2014 13:51 posted by Moving forward

    To the woman who posted on Dec. 26, 2013. Your last sentence says "you still feel the urge to go back", listen to your gut. Do not go back. Read everything you can on narcissists. Hopefully this will give everything you need to help you know you are making the right decision. I just broke off a relationship on this very day. I too have had hopes of getting back together, dreams that he will get help and figure it out. It usually doesn't happen. Rarely does it happen. It is sad because my heart goes out to him because he will always be this way due to trauma from his childhood. But if I stay he will reeck havoc on my well being. If you keep engaging you are only feeding his ego. You are the "narcissistic supply" that keeps feeding him. Once you stop feeding his ego he will probably move on and seek the "narcissistic supply" some where else. This is what happened for me. I stopped engaging and he has moved on. Unfortunately, you wish you could tell everyone he comes with a warning label :)Don't go back, don't even look back. Keep moving forward for your own good health. Wishing you well.

  • Comment Link Charlie Wednesday, 08 January 2014 04:10 posted by Charlie

    This is well written. I am divorced from my Mr N 12 months now. We were married for 13 years. He's had 2 new partners in the space of 12 months. I left him, for many of the reasons listed above, along with the constant lies, mood swings, constantly being out, & putting everyone else before myself & his children. We have constant contact, well did have twice daily as we have shared care. Until just 3 days ago, when he went away with his new girlfriend & all of a sudden became text savvy with our 12 yo. He would never contact her before, & now does, telling her he loves her & her sister, which never has happened before now. 1 week ago he hung up on our 12 yo, so imagine her confusion now. I'm trying to move on with my life, & have reconnected with an old friend, the problem is, my ex still has some sort of hold over me, & I'm having trouble letting go. Especially when my girls go to there dads for the week. It's amazing how hard it really is, even with all that's put in front of you.

  • Comment Link linda Thursday, 26 December 2013 12:12 posted by linda

    Wow, what an Article!
    Mine can go for months without sex, does no dress in front of me....turns the other way if I get dressed in front of him. No passionate kiss, no sweet words.
    I have left and he has made zero contact with Me! Not even to enquire about his son. And yet I still love him and the dream of us... I feel the urge to go back to him.

  • Comment Link linda Thursday, 14 November 2013 16:34 posted by linda

    Marye describes my experience so exactly its scary! The stages echoed my own life with a narcissistic man so completely that I felt shocked to realize it really is a clearly defined condition. My husband of 30 years stopped having sex with me 1o years ago because he was angry and felt out of control of me - I had left a party and he didn't know where I had gone. He was so angry he left me standing on the pavement with no money, no phone, in high heels and it was raining. He drove away and let me there. I had only slipped away to see a close female friend who lived nearby, I admit I didn't tell him where I was going, but he didn't seem to care waht I was doing or wanting anyway. He puts on a charming face to everyone else, acts as if he's forgotten the vil things he said to me the night before and how he made me feel suicidal, deove me to the edge of 'crazy' and other people think he's the perfect husband. I have suffered miseries as I have no one I can turn to or confide in, no one would believe me, they all think he's perfect, e's so charming to them. I've cried, begged, done everything I can think of to try to improve our relationship. Its only recently I became aware of the terrible truth that he cares for no one, least of all me - especially since I no longer need him. I am trying to seaprate my life from his and pray I have the strength to do it. What a fool I have been, putting up with this torture for so long, blaming myself. If you recognize your partner in the aboe story, get out now, while you can. I have wasted years of my life trying to be 'good enough' for him to love me!

  • Comment Link GoingForHappiness Tuesday, 29 October 2013 02:21 posted by GoingForHappiness

    My wedding night my ex pretended to be sleeping and never would have sex with me…like, ever. So, I never got the kids I so desperately wanted. He never looked at me and although always very "nice" to me (he wanted to be the good guy) he always said, "Well, you can't go anywhere, we're married." He was serious. So here he was, with a wife who worked out, was tall, modeled and everyone thought, "Wow, he's getting that." Well, he wasn't and he never went near it. Towards the end I just stopped asking for sex. He went into the counselor and said he wanted 'hand holding and affection." This is a grown man & he wanted to play like we were 12 year olds. He was def stuck in an age where he had no interest in sex. I can totally relate to this article…very, very on target. Thank you for writing it!

  • Comment Link G Tuesday, 29 October 2013 02:06 posted by G

    Well written. The only thing I could add was that some men also add religious stances with their control. In that situation they never feel a need to pleasure their partner for any reason. It is sheer pain, and if you show the pain they don't stop they just feel there is something wrong with you...and /or your pain increases their pleasure.

  • Comment Link Kat Monday, 28 October 2013 21:35 posted by Kat

    I found I had the opposite problem that you had. I was always expected to be available, no matter what. When I was sick with a fever and unable to get out of bed, crying because my muscles ached so bad, he offer a back rub - which of course resulted in him expecting "payment." When he was done, he just said "sorry" and left the room. That is just one example. When I finally refused to give him what he wanted after many years of abuse, he said I used sex as a tool to manipulate him. Wow.