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My Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist.  Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight.  Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

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Have you seen the movie, The Matrix?

If you haven’t you might want to rent it because at some point during the movie you may well have the first lucid moment you’ve had in a long time and realize, I’m not crazy.

The movie takes place in a futuristic society where there is no illness, everything seems peaceful and perfect, and life is the perfect level of pleasant all of the time. What the characters don’t know is that they are being fed a group fantasy by cognizant machines while their bodies are used as an energy source. In other words, their life source is being sucked away while they are being assured that all is well.

If that isn’t the image of a narcissistic relationship I don’t know what is. Narcissists are emotional vampires, using the emotions of the people around them until there is nothing left but a human shell – a body drained of everything but the instinct to survive.

Survival means accepting everything that is said and done as being truth even if it is such an obvious lie that you literally have ignore scientific facts. Early on my husband wanted to join a softball team. He needed a mitt but we were very broke, having a hard time even putting food on the table. There was just no way.

A few days later he came home with a mitt. Not just a cheap mitt but a good quality one. “Wow, I thought we decided we couldn’t afford it?” I said, trying to keep my voice even.

“I didn’t buy it,” he said with a charming smile. “When I got to the car after work it was on the front seat.”

I was suspicious, “Was the car locked?”

He nodded, “Yes it was. Strange, isn’t it? I guess it was just a God thing.”

Please understand, I am not naive and I am not intellectually impaired. I do very much believe in a spiritual word and a God that does miracles. I have experienced them. I just didn’t believe this was one of them.

“You are kidding.”

His brow lowered and his face darkened, “You don’t believe me?” He yelled incredulously. “So, you don’t think God can do miracles, or is it that you just think He won’t do them for me?”

Now I was stuck. If I said I didn’t believe in miracles I would be lying. If I said that I did but I didn’t believe He’d done one for my ex I would be implying that he wasn’t important to God. It was a no win situation and I did what anyone in a relationship with a narcissist would do in that same circumstance – I soothed his ruffled ego and agreed that it was amazing that God would provide like that.

At some point I allowed myself to believe it because it meant that life would be calm. I liked calm a lot.

We all know that it was a lie. He had bought it himself even though we didn’t have enough to pay bills. I saw the receipt later and it wasn’t billed to the Universe. It wasn’t the first time that it happened and it wouldn’t be the last. The lies continued to the very end. In fact, they continue to this day.

At some point you need to stop believing in fairy tales and begin facing the truth

Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid

Being part of his fantasy world is not something that you have to do. Like Neo in The Matrix you can unplug and begin to experience reality. It isn’t easy, and it will take some serious will power because you are, all of a sudden, going to be swimming against the current.

Focusing on the truth is hard at first. I was so used to accepting the lie as truth that just thinking about disagreeing threw me into a panic. It helps to have someone who you can trust that is discerning and can encourage you in seeking the truth in every situation. Don’t beat yourself up when you slip once in a while. It will happen – just get right back on track and keep going.

Don’t Accept the Blame

A narcissist will rarely admit to wrong doing unless it will benefit him in some way. Here’s what I mean – a narcissist might admit to wrong doing if it will make him look humble in front of others, thus making them think that you are crazy when you say he is a narcissist. He might admit to wrong doing if it will cause you to do what he wants. There are many reasons but I think you get the idea.

Convoluted, right?

It’s important that you refuse to accept the blame for what he does or what happens in his life. You have probably found yourself the scapegoat for the times he was fired from a job, the months he couldn’t pay a bill, and the fact that he hasn’t bothered to visit his mother in ten years.

Don’t Trust Him

Forgiveness is an important part of your healing but there is nothing about forgiveness that requires you to trust a thing he says.

One of the best descriptions of a narcissist that I have ever read comes from

narcissists can't be counted on not to do somethingjust becauseit's wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it or that you can't stop them or punish them…

At the same time they are eerily competent when it comes to getting other people to trust them. During a marriage counseling session the counselor looked at me directly and said, “You are the immature one in this relationship.”

I was devastated. How could anyone say that to me?

Less than two months later I caught him cheating again and kicked him out. I saw the counselor at a church function where everyone knew what had happened. I looked at her and said somewhat bitterly, “Who’s the immature one, now?”

You Are the Example

The most frightening revelation to me was that my children would take my cues in how to deal with their father. If I accepted his lies as truth they would, too. If I accepted the blame for the things he did then they would, too.

Once I started to defend the truth things got pretty violent. To this day if you stubbornly speak the truth rather than accepting his lies he will get violent. Everything is fine when he is placated with his own version of reality.

Have you developed techniques for separating yourself from his matrix? Register today to share your story. Someone who is at the very beginning of this journey may need to hear exactly what you have to say.

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  • Comment Link Kathy Plagens Thursday, 31 August 2017 06:09 posted by Kathy Plagens

    Where to begin. I just filed for divorce from my narcissistic abusive ex-cop husband. He pursued me. I wasn't interested or even attracted to him. He was charming and persistent and I felt like hers is someone to take care of me. He fed me the drug, got me hooked and then alternated between giving and taking it away. I was always chasing that man I met who doesn't exist. He became physically abusuve but the mental hold he had on me was much worse.

    Coupled with being a narcissist with no ability for empathy, he is a highly trained and college educated person that was high up in law enforcement. So not only was he a narcissist but he was also dangerous physically and psychologically.

    He would use every cop tactic against me. He would use command presence with voice, stance and just general intimidation. We never communicated. He questioned and interrogated me. He had to have compliance or he would take the tactics up a notch. He gaslighted me constantly. He made me think I couldn't trust my own mind. Cops are trained to lie do he did it flawlessly and aggressively. Everything was my fault.

    He didn't really want me but couldn't stand the thought of anyone else ever touching me. He became insanely and sometimes violently jealous if I even looked in another man's direction. Our marriage effectively ended when he was angry about what I was wearing and did a police take-down on me in the garage and I flew head first into the concrete.

    I did the smartest thing I ever did in turning in my phone recorder without him noticing. I tried before and he threw my phone and hit me in the face with it and shattered it. This time I got away with it. This charmer was in full display for everyone to hear. I had a concussion and was bleeding on the ground while he was busy setting up the scene. I knew I was in danger because his careeer was now on the line. He screamed and cursed at me on that recording for 20 minutes. He used every tactic he had in the cop book but I didn't back down. His jealousy was there for everyone to hear. Hurting me was one thing but how he treated me afterwards was sick and twisted. He actually was arrested that night when I was finally able to call 911. He had no thought about my condition and wasn't going to get me help. I left in an ambulance and he left eventually in handcuffs. He was shocked and I was shocked. The thin blue line normally doesn't get crossed. He was fired and had to give up his oeace officer's license for life. He lost custody of his children. It was bad.

    He managed by coercion, threats against me and my son and various other tactics to get me to back off my story but the DA wouldn't drop it. He blamed me for all of it. I actually think he now believes he didn't do it. He came up with a story on the spot and kept repeating it. It's like a police officer who just assaulted someone and they all get their story straight. He swung on me. It was self defense. I didn't go with the story so I was disloyal. He messed with my mind so much.

    The thing about the therapist rings so true. He always made me out to be the crazy one to this day. I let a therapist have it a few months ago for falling into the trap of an abuser and giving him license to do it. He is the charmer and I'm upset that he is lying and I look nuts.

    Anyway, I've finally broken away. He has become a private investigator and has been having me followed and monitored. He threatens that he would never take it if another man out their hands on me. I'm afraid. I finally found out that during our year-long separation that he was lying to me about everything in his entire life. He was trying to extort money out of me.

    Anyway, it's still a long road. I'm sure the divorce process will be awful given his investigative skills, ability to lie and I mean lie convincingly. He had acces to law enforcement, attorneys who are ex DA's and now private investigation. I've changed all my passwords and turned off everything on my phone so that he can't spy on me. I know he has me followed. He calls then "friends" who happen to see me. I don't really know any of these people as he didn't take me around many of his friends so how they just recognize me in a crowd is not logical.

    It's scary. Someone who is that skilled and is a phony and anusuve and jealous who will lie and lie is someone to be afraid of but I'm doing it finally.

    I hope my story might can help other police wives who are abused. It's a very unique situation.

  • Comment Link Deborah Fortin Saturday, 17 September 2016 06:29 posted by Deborah Fortin

    This article is sooo true! I survived a passive aggressive husband who is also narcissistic and just recently have accepted that my ex is also a closet gay which actually fuels both issues as his family would not accept him if they knew and of course he can't look Narcissists are ALL about image and parasitic lifestyles. He will never change. And I don't say that lightly because I too believe in miracles however he doesn't want different. He currently is living in my daughter's house pilvaging from their sympathy which narcissists and passive aggressive people do exceptionally well because that is what formula they believe they HAVE to survive on. These people won't change because of debilitating fear and neurosis, maybe even psychosis - but a psychiatrist would be better able to judge them individually but really ....potato/pototo. He has only lived on his own once in his whole life which he got evicted from because he refuses to do what it takes to survive financially on his own. He actually let himself get evicted so my daughter would take him in. So sick. He had everything going for him as he always had but never will put in the leg work.

  • Comment Link Janice Wednesday, 08 June 2016 04:37 posted by Janice

    One minute he's nice and working together about selling house and moving on, and he has moved on with child that wasn't even born when we met. And he's beloved by everyone, public figure. Then, he's attacking me and telling me what a horrible person I am, none of my professional accomplishments mean anything, I'm crazy, I'm a loser, I caused all ruin. None of his cheating and lies and lack of responsibility counted, was just coping with my instability. I fall into almost a childlike stance when he starts attacking. So happy to be divorced, but trying to raise children together, and I can say anything negative about him to kids or anyone in public, because he is a popular , grandiose person in small community. I can't move until kids get through high school, so I'm trapped for 5 to 6 more years of pretending everything is ok, keeping it together for kids, doing everything for them, while he does whatever he wants, then occasionally checks in as father of the year and demeans anything I'm doing. How did i end up in this? I'm professionally successful myself. Sigh. I don't know how to set boundaries, and I clam up and don't realize until days later how undercutting he was or how I defend myself or ignore it.. i try to keep my head high and not fall into saying anything negative about him in public or to other parents, but then he attacks me in private, verbally, emotionally, once wouldn't let me out of his car. NEver got in car again. Mess. I wasn't raised this way, and it's not what I married a long time ago. He started having seizures 10 years ago, and it's changed his personality, can't remember anything good, irritable,'s awful. thank you for letting me air.

  • Comment Link Janice Wednesday, 08 June 2016 04:26 posted by Janice

    I have spent 26 years being gaslighted. Now we have a year anniverary of divorce coming up, but we are trapped in same house with one leaving every other week for kids. Sometimes he's nice, then he turns, like at daughter's birthday party, and started telling me what a horrible person I was with revisionist history and nothing he did counted or was wrong. I was paralyzed to get away and not ruin party and it took days to process how cruel he was. I'm not even sure he does it on purpose. I have to find a way to get out of this house. Please pray for me.

  • Comment Link Michael Tuesday, 10 May 2016 18:03 posted by Michael

    I caught mine lying this weekend. It was the defining moment that ended the marriage, assisted by my mother who recorded the conversation between him and her. I couldn't go with the lies any further. When I called him on it, and told him I couldn't do it anymore; he then, had the audacity to call my mother, and allege that I held him at gunpoint. The original lie wasn't enough, (to say you were working, when the target employees two separate times said you had the weekend off, on the phone, coupled with you leaving in jeans). I got this elaborate lie about how he parks in a different garage and as an executive, his calls are screened... really?

    Narcissists are dangerous people.

    I threw my techniques out, as well as his sorry ass. The lawyer can be the bullshit buffer from here on out.

  • Comment Link Karen Friday, 11 March 2016 09:28 posted by Karen

    It is almost 3:30 am, I am reading your article and everything becomes crystal clear. You have just described my ex-husband and I need to stop thinking he will change and accept him for who he is. I don't know exactly how to deal with him, the lies he tells, and everything else but I need to start moving forward for my sanity bc it is really hurting me and my relationships with my children.

  • Comment Link jvaldezjr Tuesday, 08 March 2016 14:41 posted by jvaldezjr

    While I think this information is solid, the male slant bothers me. I'm reading this through the lens of my ex-wife being the narcissist. I don't have time this morning to read all the articles, but the central theme of feeling like I'm swimming up stream is big. My ex lies through omission, embellishment, and complete lying about facts, especially to service providers. My kids have commented that therapists, doctors, etc are on "her side" yet the only ones that see and know the truth are the me and them.

    Anyway, as I'm reading this, I just change the male pronouns to female ones, but the characteristics are the same. I've also been the victim of violence, physical, and verbal, most recently post-divorce, but verbally and emotionally while I was married. If you know where I can look for dealing with a narcissistic ex-wife aside from your articles here, please email me.

  • Comment Link Finallyseethroughthebs Tuesday, 16 February 2016 19:17 posted by Finallyseethroughthebs

    This is exactly it. Your last few lines sum up my reality perfectly. My narc didn't become violent until I reminded him of his lies. That became the turning point. He still tries to convince me of his version of reality and as soon as I set him straight, he shows his true colors. I see him as trying to test his version of our marriage that I suspect his friend have accepted, out on me. When it doesn't work, he is back to intimidation techniques. Fun.

    Thank you for nailing it so well.

  • Comment Link Pam Lowick Saturday, 02 January 2016 15:45 posted by Pam Lowick

    My son is a narcissist. I have tried distancing myself but he is too persistent and his family don't understand. I don't criticize or accuse, I support, care and don't take sides.

    My son's wife is extremely strong. She is the only woman who has ever been able to handle him. She married him because she was in desperate circumstances and marrying him was better than the alternative at the time. She was basically an abused woman he took off the streets. Easy to use, manipulate, order around... so he thought.

    Her new circumstances brought out the best in her and he has met his match. He keeps griping to me how miserable he is - but he is stuck with her. They both have nowhere to go. I stay on the side lines, but he is beginning to tell me how she drinks, neglects their baby when she's drunk, and hits and hates her own child.

    I see no evidence of this and it suddenly occurred to me - gaslighting... She is too streetwise to fall for any gaslighting stunts that he may pull on her - but I am much more naive and have been listening to him with concern until 2 and 2 don't seem to make 4.

    Today I clicked - is there such a thing as "third party gaslighting?" Or "gaslighting by proxy"??

  • Comment Link Talula Friday, 13 November 2015 14:55 posted by Talula

    OMG! I just realized the last four years of my life have been nothing but a lie! I married my narcissist in 2012 after dating for about a year and a half. I was a widow for 4 years and when I met him I truly thought God had given me my prince charming! We had soooo many problems with his ex wife and his three children but our relationship seemed so good. The oldest two boys were in high school and his daughter was 11. His ex made our life HELL and he never stood up for me and just could not handle it. The games she played with his daughter were unbelievable. Of course his kids did not like me. His ex told all kinds of lies so his family didn't seem to like me much either. My family could not stand him of course. His kids are everything to him. I came last and got the crumbs. I have an awesome son as well and he was just starting high school (he's now a freshman in college). He did not like the narcissist... go figure, he saw through him right away. My husband divorced me after only one year of marriage. We went to counseling once but when it came time for our second appt. he refused to go. He said I would bring up that he stayed with a woman when he left each time. During our one year in bliss, lol, he left me 5 times. Usually for a few weeks but came back after I begged. How degrading?? I found out he lied about where he was staying during these times. He was staying with a girl who I thought was an ex girlfriend but he never really told me anything about their relationship before he met me. He told me that she has always been just a really good friend. I BELIEVED HIM, what a fool I am. So we divorced when I told him if he would not go to counseling, he needed to file. He did and we were divorced quickly. Also, I gave up my honeymoon because his daughter couldn't come if she didn't stay with him all weekend. We were going to go to Hawaii when I got off for the summer in May (I'm a teacher). Oh good gracious..... when it came time to go to Hawaii, he told me he was taking his kids and left me. Why I EVER even spoke to him again I just don't know. It's been about two years and I kept seeing him on and off. Whenever he decides he does not want to ignore me. Of course we had to hide....He told me he still wanted to take me to Hawaii, he was moving to Savannah when his daughter is out of school and I could come too.... He has lived with the same girl since we divorced. He has sworn up and down that they don't sleep together, just good friends for a very long time. She has a disease and he said he's not attracted to her at all. Last time I saw him, about a month ago, he said he needed to find a way to get rid of her. I found out today they have moved into her house now in the same town that I live in and he has blocked my number. WTF???? My life has been nothing but a lie! How did I ever believe anything he told me. I just wanted to be happy!!! Past time to move on, I just don't have the self-esteem anymore. I allowed him to strip me of everything, what is wrong with me? How could I possibly still love a mean, self centered assclown like him??? How do I get over him?

  • Comment Link Cat Saturday, 17 January 2015 17:52 posted by Cat

    5 years after leaving him, he still tells everyone he can that I just upped and left him and took the kids for no reason. He had me worn to a thread, his bullying, gas lighting and aggression was too much to bear. His narcissistic family were behind him; including a terribly jealous sister who made life hell for me. After 4 years court battles, blackening of my name and basically giving us hell just because I exposed him, he still tries to control me with maintenance and his lies. He rarely asks to see our boys yet tells everyone I won't leave him see them. Some People believe his lies as his family put on such a holy catholic show as if butter wouldn't melt. How can I help from feeling so hurt and frustrated when I know people think I am the one to blame?????

  • Comment Link krys Friday, 12 December 2014 01:19 posted by krys

    Than you for this article. I'm on here due to my ex from a long time ago, long story short after a crazy night I cut all contact well years later met up with him again an actually moved in etc etc. Well I saw real fast he was nuts an I needed to run fast an I finally see why I cut all contact so fast years ago. Well, now (a few more years later )he messages me now an then , we'll I have a happy family life good job etc. He just doesn't get it idk why but he seems to think it is ok to message me an that there's a shot ? I am trying to cut all contact again without changing number again. He is ocd bad a drunk and thinks the world owes him , everything is so negative with him an he is the kind that thinks it's always love .. i am trying to see if he is crazy an psycho or what, he scares me , I even quit my job years ago in HS when I cut all contact the first time cause he is the type that will come to my job an he has no concept of feeling for others or reality . It's quit annoying an all these years apart I thought he was an adult now an never in a million years thought saying hi in a store would turn into this again, my husband does know , it's not in a deceiving manner or cheating etc at all! I just randomly saw him an now this. An Facebook was how he got my number I changed that fast!! He has Sent a message like come over ? Really , I have a family !!! It scares me he has no brain an doesn't care that I am happy even after telling him an asking him to stop. Sorry this is long.

  • Comment Link CarrieBell Sunday, 17 August 2014 14:36 posted by CarrieBell

    I stopped drinking the "kool-aid" about a year before I separated from my NXH. I had to do it! I was emotionally spent. I had nothing left to give. Really it was to the point that I, aside from cuddles at nap time, Avoided my own children out of pure exhaustion. It's funny because there was actually a part of me that thought (fantisised) that he would see how selfish he was and beg for my forgiveness. Laughable..I know! Well that didn't happen. He ran to emotional comfort in the arms of another married woman. I would tell her what she's in for but why? I say let the home wrecker get what she paid for!
    So I've now be divorced for 2 years and life is still a nightmare. Our children (age 13 and 10) suffer the most as they do not undrstand and have fallen into the same traps that it took me so long to get myself out of. He is good at lying and a gold digger. He is such a good con artist that I sometimes feel my life ended on the day I married him 19 years ago. Its so bad that I find myself questioning the existence of God. I no it will one day end but how long will it take and how may more lives will suffer because of him. It's all very sad.

  • Comment Link Lynn Thursday, 08 May 2014 12:57 posted by Lynn

    Thank you so much for this sharing. I am just coming out of the 'fog' so to speak of a 4 and 1/2 year marriage. I am studying to be a psychotherapist and if I had been in my training earlier I would not have married this person because the signs were all there. I believed all his explanations as to his 'female drama'. I realize now that me and my children were nothing but his 'supply'. We actually are not even people with feelings...simply here to make him feel he met this life challenge of being married.I have always been in competition to be his priority with his female friends and his family. I am now in the devaluing and discard stage where nothing I say or do is good enough and hasn't been for a longtime. He even reloads the dishwasher because I don't do it well enough. His entire family is like this - their background is Portuguese and I chalked it up to 'old world patriarchal' attitude but now realize there is something much deeper going on than that. When we dated he had mementos of ex-girlfriends for the past 20 years (he had never been married) and had a group of female friends who called themselves his 'harem'. I knew this person since we were 12 years old and had no clue. The problem with narcissists is that they are so skilled at fooling the 'outside' world. I used to get a huge 'pit' in my stomach and literally felt nauseous when I was at his family get togethers. I put up boundaries for one year where we would not go to his families' events and he ended up leaving us rather than respecting our boundaries and feelings. My children were ignored and we were expected to participate in all of their children's birthdays, etc. while none of them called to wish my children happy birthday. When he ducked out of our home with a goodbye note (for the second time), he couldn't even spell my daughters' name correctly - he actually called her a different name on the note. He left because she had confronted him the day before about his suspicious behaviour ie. coming home late from work, acting strangely around all of us, not even feeding the kids when I was at school or interacting with them. (she is 13 and exceptionally bright). What I realized was that he was down managing our expectations of him.....he did not want to be needed by us or acknowledge that we had needs which is normal in healthy relationships. The kids were not allowed to expect him to act like a father and I was no longer allowed to expect him to act like an engaged, committed partner. Detachment is difficult because of the incredible deception however narcissists usually do not know what they are doing - there is no filter or red flag whether something is inappropriate or not - it is all about 'how it makes them feel' about themselves. They are very hollow and sad people though it is difficult to have any type of compassion for them as they voraciously suck everyone around them dry ....its actually funny because my ex used to say that it was me who sucked the life out of him (classic projection). What floors me is how they can perpetually gather 'flying monkeys' around them - these people are usually co-dependents who get mesmerized by the false facade and believe in it.

  • Comment Link Cassie Friday, 25 April 2014 07:51 posted by Cassie

    Hi everyone,
    I need some advice. My N ex husband is currently involved with a boss, Im aware of his motives with her & don't care at all. However Im wanting to leave the state with our 4yr old & ofcourse need his approval. which he is happy to do so, thou being somewhat controlling. I do have the upper hand as Im settling for less money. I know he does not have any money. He is buying me out of the house which is a dump & requires a lot of work & hes lazy & hopeless with money. He will have unsupervised visits with our 4yr old. Our 4yr old does not see how I have excepted his fathers behavior thou he has seen my stand up to his father on many occasions, thou maybe to young to realize. My ex has already started to neglect our 4yr old for this woman as she serves a higher purpose to him, he is never consistant with anything, only his job. Working helps hide his inner pain. I can control the parental agreement as he knows I can go for more. That doesn't bother me, however I feel im being defeated by accepting less & my son will suffer more with him if I go for more, but Ive had this battles since my 4yr old was born and Im over it. I can see how my ex manipulates his 14yr old & shes in a bad state and I don't want that for my son. Is it best to take my 4yr old while he is still young enough and bring him up with love & support for him to realize in time exactly what his father is like.
    All advice welcomed, thank you

  • Comment Link Cassie Friday, 25 April 2014 06:52 posted by Cassie

    Hi everyone,
    I need some advice. My N ex husband is currently involved with a boss, Im aware of his motives with her & don't care at all. However Im wanting to leave the state with our 4yr old & ofcourse need his approval. which he is happy to do so, thou being somewhat controlling. I do have the upper hand as Im settling for less money. I know he does not have any money. He is buying me out of the house which is a dump & requires a lot of work & hes lazy & hopeless with money. He will have unsupervised visits with our 4yr old. Our 4yr old does not see how I have excepted his fathers behavior thou he has seen my stand up to his father on many occasions, thou maybe to young to realize. My ex has already started to neglect our 4yr old for this woman as she serves a higher purpose to him, he is never consistant with anything, only his job. Working helps hide his inner pain. I can control the parental agreement as he knows I can go for more. That doesn't bother me, however I feel im being defeated by accepting less & my son will suffer more with him if I go for more, but Ive had this battles since my 4yr old was born and Im over it. I can see how my ex manipulates his 14yr old & shes in a bad state and I don't want that for my son. Is it best to take my 4yr old while he is still young enough and bring him up with love & support for him to realize in time exactly what his father is like.
    All advice welcomed, thank you

  • Comment Link Deb Evans Monday, 31 March 2014 01:43 posted by Deb Evans

    I was married to him too! LOL No just the same dead beat narcissist living off women his entire life.

  • Comment Link NoMoreNONReality Thursday, 06 March 2014 21:08 posted by NoMoreNONReality

    so true....amazing how the world revolves around after 5 years of divorce and going to FOTC therpy....he had the balls to say "I was still in love with him" I laughed in his face and said are you crazy?

    If you need more info on narcissitics, I prob could create a book of over 14 years of being around one.

    Life with a narcissitic was a journey and I am so happy I am free of that life:) Life is so much more enjoyable and less drama.

  • Comment Link swan78 Wednesday, 22 January 2014 00:54 posted by swan78

    true - the last year of our marriage I actually made some "me" time for yoga and counseling (because I was "crazy" LMFAO!) and the first thing he did was to run to a woman and have an emotional affair - oh but according to him they don't exist - first time in our marriage where some of my nights didn't revolve around him, and he had to watch the kids for a night or two while I did something! It was an eye opener how fast things went down hill when everything in our life did not revolve around him! Yoga and counseling helped me realize the complete shit show my life had become - really easy to stop drinking the kool-aid when your life doesn't revolve around them - LITERALLY!

  • Comment Link anng Monday, 02 December 2013 06:48 posted by anng

    My ex husband recently took me to court requesting overnights with our children since my ex had not been around for 8 years, the court ordered him to attend family therapy with the children. After a attending therapy for a couple of months I had asked the therapist, why is it that I feel we are here to talk about him and how I am apparently am at fault for why he did not see his children for 8 years? She explained to me that he was narcissistic and that he feels that he is the victim and that it is all about him. She also stated that his is unable to have an emotional relationship with our children. Now that we are no longer in the court system I feel as if we argue all the time. I now avoid dealing with him at all cost. The lies are so out of control and when one of the children call him out he acts as if the children are the liars. I feel like this whole ordeal has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster ride. Any suggestions on how to deal with him.

  • Comment Link TexasQueen Friday, 27 September 2013 08:14 posted by TexasQueen

    Thank You so much for sharing. One on my struggles is that I covered for his lies our entire marriage of 25 years. It was only the last year or so that I started standing up to him. I am sure one of the many reasons he ran to another woman. He lied about stupid small things on a regular bases. I learned to ignore them as it was easier than arguing. After I told him to leave I did research and discovered how much of a narcissists that he was.
    I have tried to educate our adult children to empower them but they wont believe me. They tell me that I am just bitter. He continues to play the victim to them and manipulate them and it drives me crazy!!!! His lies continue to them blaming me. If I stand up to his statements with them they again just say I am bitter and it is just my side of the story. Unbelievable how they continue to work people and earn their trust.
    I know that people say I need to let it go and they will see him for what he is but will they? It took me 25 years and him leaving to really see the light.
    I not only want to protect them from his damage but I want to protect my integrity as well. I just can no longer allow him to lie about me, our marriage or anything. His big thing is omit ion is not a form of lying to him. He twist everything I say and do as to the reason that I was totally NC with him and yet he used that too against me with the kids. He was telling them how he was trying to work some of the money out with me but I was refusing to return his calls. They had no idea how ugly his messages were to me. I had to pay ATT to have his number blocked so that he could no longer text or leave me voice messages. I already had all his emails to into spam and get deleted.
    I ran out of money to continue paying for an attorney until he left a couple of ugly messages to my sister. She called me and said how much money do you need to get that man out of your life forever. She was totally stunned with the stuff he was saying.
    I guess my big question is do we allow them to continue lying and getting away with it? Even when they are lying about us? Our marriage?

  • Comment Link Marye Tuesday, 24 September 2013 15:45 posted by Marye

    You are welcome! It takes time but eventually you will find that you can form your own opinions and actually say them!

  • Comment Link connieh Wednesday, 18 September 2013 14:39 posted by connieh

    Thank you so very very much for sharing! I've been struggling with the shame of having consciously swallowed years of lies upon lies from my ex. Disconnecting from his matrix of alternative reality is hellishly painful, and I cannot say I've done so completely. I hope others are also able to share their stories about this. Thanks so much again.