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I desperately wish my marriage had not ended and that I was back in my house (oh, how I miss the cats!), my old life and with the hopes and dreams of yesterday. Yet my husband left me coming on two months now and this is my reality. I must accept and deal with it. So barring getting my old life back, I wish there was someone who would be here for me. Help me, cheer me up, do all the painfully hard work and look out for me. But life doesn't work like that, does it. Others have their own lives, problems, happiness and things they wish to do, just as I had a few months ago. 

So I've learned to rely on myself through all of this.

Being self-dependent can be INCREDIBLY difficult, especially on those weekend days during which I cannot do anything but lay in bed and sob. Or take sleeping pills and sleep the emptiness away. I was suicidal for the first few weeks and am not sure what kept me from doing what seemed the obvious reaction to such a horrific event. Yet I slowly and day by day learn that I can rely on myself. I MUST rely on myself, for there is no one else who will do it 24/7. A most empowering experience long-term, but for now it is just hard. It’s so very hard. 

Yet there IS daily emotional help out there, even for a 43 year old like me who let many of her friendships fall by the wayside during marriage and is now discovering that making friends is much more difficult that it was twenty years ago. I expect no miracles, but I reach out to the friends I do have. I sow the seeds for a future in which our relationships can be closer. I also reach out to the many people I meet through work. I take the initiative, inviting them to see a movie or have coffee.

Resisting the urge to hide from what it takes to heal.

There are many days in which I want to crawl home from work and dive under the blankets, but I almost always resist. I Go out, even if it's by myself and even though I have no money, I take a nice walk, or attend a free lecture or find a charity to give my time to. I inevitably feel better having made the supreme effort of getting up and out, and day by day, often hour-by-hour, I get through this. I hang on for dear life as the emotional rollercoaster hits and I'm choked with tears and fears and feel paralyzed from the problems and challenges ahead. I wish I wasn't in this situation. None of us want to be here. But I am here and I have no choice but to make it. I hope you feel that you can make it also.

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1 comment

  • Comment Link New Jersey Thursday, 06 April 2017 17:39 posted by New Jersey

    Hello,

    I was exactly where you are 34 years ago. My husband came home to me while we were living at Ft. Mead Maryland and simply said, I don't want to be married anymore to you. I had just placed my son, who was three years old at the time into pre-school at the Little Red School House on base. I subsequently moved back to NJ and went absolutely NO CONTACT for well over three decades. I too took the sleeping pills, laid in bed in a fetal position crying most days. I became anemic and malnourished to the point of having vision issues for the first time in my life. At the age of 25 I must have been 98 pounds - a far cry from 135lbs when we separated. I have said all this to say; in time, life will be even better as you begin to realize that your husband, perhaps was narcissistic which is synonymous with unadulterated cruelty due to childhood trauma. Always remember; people who hurt, hurt others. By virtue of the fact that he walked out - demonstrates he does not have the ability to empathize for you or anyone for that matter. I spent a great deal of time worrying unecessarily about our son in his early developmental years. Fast forward through the years - my son became a physician of internal medicine (graduating for an ivy league college in Ithaca NY) and is married now with beautiful twin boys and a gorgeous caring and loving wife. By the way, my EX is on his 4th marriage - walking out on two others before he married his latest "trick" 3 years ago. We have all taken bets on how long this one will last! LOL Would you believe I'm friends with the 3rd wife - we crack up telling stories about him! An unusual bond indeed. So, you are young - as time goes on everything will get easier and become better. Your job is to figure out why you thought you could have had a mature reciprocal relationship with an individual who did not have the emotional intelligence to do so. That is your JOB going forward in an effort to avoid the same mistake. YOU DESERVE BETTER - I'm writing a book about my experience and am involved in giving presentations re: Knowing the Signs of Narcissistic Behavior.