I desperately wish my marriage had not ended and that I was back in my house (oh, how I miss the cats!), my old life and with the hopes and dreams of yesterday. Yet my husband left me coming on two months now and this is my reality. I must accept and deal with it. So barring getting my old life back, I wish there was someone who would be here for me. Help me, cheer me up, do all the painfully hard work and look out for me. But life doesn't work like that, does it. Others have their own lives, problems, happiness and things they wish to do, just as I had a few months ago.
So I've learned to rely on myself through all of this.
Being self-dependent can be INCREDIBLY difficult, especially on those weekend days during which I cannot do anything but lay in bed and sob. Or take sleeping pills and sleep the emptiness away. I was suicidal for the first few weeks and am not sure what kept me from doing what seemed the obvious reaction to such a horrific event. Yet I slowly and day by day learn that I can rely on myself. I MUST rely on myself, for there is no one else who will do it 24/7. A most empowering experience long-term, but for now it is just hard. It’s so very hard.
Yet there IS daily emotional help out there, even for a 43 year old like me who let many of her friendships fall by the wayside during marriage and is now discovering that making friends is much more difficult that it was twenty years ago. I expect no miracles, but I reach out to the friends I do have. I sow the seeds for a future in which our relationships can be closer. I also reach out to the many people I meet through work. I take the initiative, inviting them to see a movie or have coffee.
Resisting the urge to hide from what it takes to heal.
There are many days in which I want to crawl home from work and dive under the blankets, but I almost always resist. I Go out, even if it's by myself and even though I have no money, I take a nice walk, or attend a free lecture or find a charity to give my time to. I inevitably feel better having made the supreme effort of getting up and out, and day by day, often hour-by-hour, I get through this. I hang on for dear life as the emotional rollercoaster hits and I'm choked with tears and fears and feel paralyzed from the problems and challenges ahead. I wish I wasn't in this situation. None of us want to be here. But I am here and I have no choice but to make it. I hope you feel that you can make it also.
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