As I’ve researched recovery methods from an emotionally abusive relationship, the two words that I read time and time again and which I couldn't agree with more are NO CONTACT. Even though I am dealing with intense issues of loneliness now that I am free, the one thing I do know something about is (like many others here strongly advise) NO CONTACT. Of course if you have young children you do have to have 'some' contact, but keeping it minimal is paramount.
So here's my two cents on what NO CONTACT means.
- It eliminates giving him the 'last word' every time.
- It stifles those degrading insults, those callous threats, the ultimatums.
- It rids you of those nasty thorns he imposes in your day just because he gets pleasure out of it.
- It stifles his ability to dangle that Other Woman in your face.
- It disarms him.
- It takes away his power over you.
- It erases him from your thoughts even if only for pockets of time.
- and you strip him of ammunition against you.
NO CONTACT is like immersing him in quicksand and the harder he fights but to no avail, the sooner he sees it's a loosing battle and he has no choice but to ease up because a narcissist won't continue fighting a battle he knows he can't win. 'YOU CAN WEAR HIM DOWN’ by doing absolutely nothing at all but having NO CONTACT, plain and simple. You have made him powerless, worthless. There is nothing and will never be anything you can say that will affect him like you want it to. Period. All that you are doing by having contact with him is allowing him to relish in the pleasure he gets from knowing how your anger and frustration are eating away at you.
My children are adults, but it wasn't until one of them refused to speak to me unless I completely avoided mentioning my husband’s name that the reality struck me. It initially put a little wedge in our relationship, but it was the best thing they ever did! My other child eventually broke all ties with his pathetic father, but he too chose not to involve me in their so-called relationship.
I will soon cross the one-year mark for no contact.
I recently discovered several letters my narc left for me to discover, and I did. I read about 2 lines of one and in a heartbeat I felt my blood heat up so I 'deleted' instantly! I never read a word more and there are pages and pages he graced me with. Getting through this past year was nothing short of miraculous for me and looking back it almost feels like it wasn't even 'my' life, but it was. I just can't even fathom how I would have survived with the added malicious abuse of contact whether it is by phone, email or text.
Those of us who have gone NO CONTACT can tell you that you will not only be giving yourself some peace of mind and a modicum of sanity in your life, but you will be rewarding yourself with a sense of regained power over him. NO CONTACT is possibly the one and/or only thing you do have power over until you get free. It's a power he cannot control.
(Originally posted by a member of our community.)