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As I’ve researched recovery methods from an emotionally abusive relationship, the two words that I read time and time again and which I couldn't agree with more are NO CONTACT. Even though I am dealing with intense issues of loneliness now that I am free, the one thing I do know something about is (like many others here strongly advise) NO CONTACT. Of course if you have young children you do have to have 'some' contact, but keeping it minimal is paramount.

So here's my two cents on what NO CONTACT means. 

- It eliminates giving him the 'last word' every time.

- It stifles those degrading insults, those callous threats, the ultimatums.

- It rids you of those nasty thorns he imposes in your day just because he gets pleasure out of it.

- It stifles his ability to dangle that Other Woman in your face.

- It disarms him.

- It takes away his power over you.

- It erases him from your thoughts even if only for pockets of time.

- and you strip him of ammunition against you.

NO CONTACT is like immersing him in quicksand and the harder he fights but to no avail, the sooner he sees it's a loosing battle and he has no choice but to ease up because a narcissist won't continue fighting a battle he knows he can't win. 'YOU CAN WEAR HIM DOWN’ by doing absolutely nothing at all but having NO CONTACT, plain and simple. You have made him powerless, worthless. There is nothing and will never be anything you can say that will affect him like you want it to. Period. All that you are doing by having contact with him is allowing him to relish in the pleasure he gets from knowing how your anger and frustration are eating away at you.

My children are adults, but it wasn't until one of them refused to speak to me unless I completely avoided mentioning my husband’s name that the reality struck me. It initially put a little wedge in our relationship, but it was the best thing they ever did! My other child eventually broke all ties with his pathetic father, but he too chose not to involve me in their so-called relationship.

I will soon cross the one-year mark for no contact. 

I recently discovered several letters my narc left for me to discover, and I did. I read about 2 lines of one and in a heartbeat I felt my blood heat up so I 'deleted' instantly! I never read a word more and there are pages and pages he graced me with. Getting through this past year was nothing short of miraculous for me and looking back it almost feels like it wasn't even 'my' life, but it was. I just can't even fathom how I would have survived with the added malicious abuse of contact whether it is by phone, email or text.

Those of us who have gone NO CONTACT can tell you that you will not only be giving yourself some peace of mind and a modicum of sanity in your life, but you will be rewarding yourself with a sense of regained power over him. NO CONTACT is possibly the one and/or only thing you do have power over until you get free. It's a power he cannot control.

(Originally posted by a member of our community.)

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5 comments

  • Comment Link Philip Saturday, 24 September 2016 05:19 posted by Philip

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  • Comment Link FHDK Tuesday, 13 September 2016 22:09 posted by FHDK

    Hi. First of all...God bless us all. We are survivors of horrible emotional abuse. I just got divorced 8/5/16 after 18.5 years with this person. I too have read alot about "anti-social personality" disorder and the spectrum of labels that fall under that diagnosis. Our abusers are labeled Narcissistic, psychopathic and sociopathic based on a "spectrum" of their unnerving characteristics. It is all so very frightening. Especially with children. I knew something was wrong with my ex when my children emoted more than he did. My children "got it" more than he did. I was looking to my partner to help parent, yet I was parenting HIM. It was a very sick dance of sorts. The tantrums, the selfishness, the irresponsibility in every area of our lives. All he would say to me is "shut up, sit back and enjoy the ride". My ex is also an alcoholic. My ex also has been involved in relationships outside our marriage. I was told I was the reason behind all this insanity. He blamed me for everything. I knew better. We all know better. It just takes an emotionally strong and smart woman to stay one step ahead of all the lies. For all you women out there? If I can do it? YOU CAN TOO. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

  • Comment Link Shareechapman Sunday, 21 August 2016 14:34 posted by Shareechapman

    I recently learned this two weeks ago. The divorce was final June 29 after a long, nasty battle. We have no children and there was no reason to drag this into court, except my ex wanted to torture me. After all the money was split (I had to turn over quite a large sum of my retirement) and I started paying him alimony (yes, I had to pay HIM alimony) my body finally broke down and I ended up hospitalized for stress-related high blood pressure and high heart rate.

    Three days after being released from the hospital I ran into my ex. This caught me so totally off guard. I was running errands and I had just sat down to have a snack and I saw him. I immediately picked up all my things and walked to my car. To my surprise he came running after me. The short story is he was crying crocodile tears and telling me how much he loved me and how horrible his life is. I felt bad and made him sit down (he was crying on the ground in the middle of a parking lot). We talked for a few minutes and then I told him I had to go. Second biggest mistake of my life was stopping. The first was remarrying the skunk thinking he had changed.

    So, he emailed me that night. And then the next morning. And then texted me twice on Monday. I ignored every one of them. Then a week later he emailed me that he was making his sister the executor of his will and me the back up. I went ballistic and then realized that if it came to that, I don't have to accept. So I again didn't respond. This is working like a charm.

    The mistake I made is stopping to talk to him in the first place. You can bet that will never happen again. It opened the door for him for an exchange.

    No matter what you want to say and how strong you feel about it, write it down. Save it. Then burn it. You give him power when you respond. By giving him no response, you leave him helpless.

    I am still learning. I hope my mistake helps someone out there.

  • Comment Link iwillbfree2bme Tuesday, 09 August 2016 01:22 posted by iwillbfree2bme

    I am learning this. I have recently left my narc (only 3.5 months ago), and I have school-aged children, so I have to have "some" contact. We are still negotiating the divorce settlement, and I finally learned to let the attorneys do all the negotiating. I tried to talk things out with him, at first, and that was a nightmare. I'm learning to barely text, call, or email, and keep things very brief. There were moments of denial when he'd be so nice and I'd buy his charade all over again. Then I'd feel SO stupid all over again - after 19 years of the same song and dance. No contact. Yes. This.

  • Comment Link Rhonda3 Monday, 11 July 2016 15:53 posted by Rhonda3

    I needed to read this today. I will be doing this also.