Parting from your spouse puts you on a painful path. Your life becomes a riddle. You're crying at a crossroads that leads to other crossroads, where you cry again and consider your next steps. Yet all the paths you take, return you to your pain. It's a confusing cycle. You weep because you are wounded, when you realize just how wounded you are, you weep again. The more you weep, the more you worry how you are going to get a grip of what is going on in your life, cope with what is happening to you, without you. The woman you thought you were is not working for you as you experience the power of pain in your life; its platitudes, its plateaus, its pitfalls.
Pain Infiltrates All Your Attempts At Positivity
Your self-image, your lack of confidence in your capabilities, feeds into all the shock and trauma. Pain impedes your desire to care for yourself on the most basic level, to trust in the choices you are being forced to face and make. So your pain puts you on autopilot. You do your life by going through the motions, approaching and attacking tasks by being motivated by your fear and pain. Pain ambushes you hourly. Pain infiltrates all your attempts at positivity. It's as though pain needs to feed off your survival strategies in order to remain the most powerful presence in your life. Pain is your new possessive life partner.
The pain of parting is more than the smarting realization that what you believed to be your life, its nuts and bolts, is no more. Pain is the living proof that the loss of love in a woman's life is powerfully disorientating. We women, who have been wounded as abandoned wives, weep because we just cannot come up for air. Our divorces feel like drowning. We cannot fathom our footprint in divorce because we have lost our foothold on our life. We cannot do battle with our abandonment and rejection without experiencing excruciating pain.
We inhale pain; we exhale pain. Our pain is sharp as a knife at times and blunt, dull at others. Our pain can be verbalized on and our pain can silence us. Decimating our actions and reactions, as we navigate through our divorce. Leaving us defenseless to our spouse’s claims and counter claims of our role as his wife. What he believes we now deserve from our marriage materially. Pain impacts our personality, our psyche, and our physical body. Pain exudes from us and enters our physical space, the places we live in, and the places we work in.
Pain Is The Price-tag And Merciless Debtor Of Your Divorce
The heart being broken is a very real event. Divorce dismantles the heart, but slowly, by methodically making inroads into our memories as brides, lovers, wives, and as women. The best memories of your life as a wife, as a married woman, feel like daggers in your heart because he has demanded a divorce, forced your hand, dramatically altered your destiny; he does not love you any more. He has put pain in the palm of your hand. It's his parting gift to you; this is what your marriage has amounted to. Pain is the price tag of your marriage; the price tag of your divorce and it feels like your merciless debtor on most days.
Today, after a sleepless, tear-filled night, I have to commit to re-examining my pain, as a survival strategy as strange as that sounds. If pain is going to give me that gender greatness, that self reliance, that trust and belief in the powers in me that I desperately need now and in my future, in order to progress in my new life on single street, so be it. I will live with my pain, learn from it, rediscover my womanhood from it, and recover from being an abandoned wounded wife because of it.
Pain has to be an anointing in my life. As a woman of the world, I am not new to pain. I have endured prolonged periods of pain in my life as his wife. I have been painfully unhappy by his actions against me when I was his wife. Pain featured in my marriage as much as it features in my life now, as I navigate through our divorce. My pain is undeniably the propeller in my life, in these dark, difficult days towards divorce. I have to move out of the marital home, step out toward a new career, show up for all the challenges that are coming my way and I am doing all of this, whilst being emotionally engulfed by my memories of marriage, with my pain burning in the palm of my hand.
The Power Of Pain Has To Have A Positive Element
Perhaps it is this. To see things as they really are, to accept doors as shut, doors as opened. To recognize that you weep at a window, but that window is open. You stand in a room with a door. Your looking out at a vista you can accustom yourself to, the more you look at it, accept its landmarks, it's imperfections and its potentials. My pain is a rite of passage; my feminine soul instinctively has taken it on board. Pain cuts me but it cleanses me too. It clouds my thoughts and it clears my mind. Pain today, is a critical success factor for me. Without the power of pain in my life, I might not accept that he has burned the bridge that bonded he and I. There is no going back because there is no way back. I can only go forward. I have to move on.