I don't really know where to start this blog. When I found this site I was in desperate need of healing. I needed to know I was not alone. I clung to those who would share that they were further out and happy. Although, I never believed that would be me. I felt that I had lost the most wonderful thing in my life. But now I know I am the most wonderful thing in my life. I am not broken or damaged (although forever changed). I was and still am the person I strived to be. I have learned I cannot control others, only myself and I are pretty proud of the choices I have made. I will never try and say that it was easy. It wasn't. It was terrible, awful, and at times seemed unbearable.
For a long time I hoped for reconciliation. Luckily, life did not take that course. This last month I have really found a light within me. Everywhere I go friends and family keep telling me how happy I look. Truth is, I am happy! It’s genuine and real and it feels good. There are moments I miss the life I imagined existed, but when I recall that it wasn’t what I thought it was I quickly recover. Having been together such a long time has made shifting a challenge at times. The other day something happened and I had a one second urge to want to tell him about it. It wasn’t planned. I acknowledged it and it passed.
Those moments are so very rare now. I go many days, even weeks without a thought of him. I have started dating. It’s interesting. I have no idea what I am doing. I try and think of my girlfriends and follow any advise I’d give them for myself - so far, so good. I am having a good time getting to know a variety of people, some more serious than others. At times, I start to judge myself. But I remember I am only accountable for myself. I am not committed to anyone and don’t owe anyone anything. I hope to find a special someone at some point. Hey, one of them in the current pool could be that someone.
Until then, I am having some innocent and at times not so innocent fun. Outside of my love life I have grown a lot too. I started going to a boot camp class four nights a week. Yesterday I competed in my first ever mud run. I completed a 9-mile & 25 obstacles Super Spartan Race. It was exhilarating. I am not in the best shape of my life, but I am getting there. These were really an accomplishment. Looking back, I planned, pushed, grew, and became better, loved harder, wanted more. He would have been what he is now a long time ago if it wasn’t for me.
What he is, is an alcoholic, narcissistic, loser. He was only great because I helped to be. He even admitted this on the way out. Being the great man I thought he was took too much work for him. It was an internal battle. Ladies out there in the beginning, who they are and what they choose has nothing to do with you! This is the truth. You will ask yourself, wonder, bargain internally, but it was not you. I know I am headed somewhere beautiful. I love my life. There are still things I want to change. I am still living with my mom, but plan to buy a home sometime soon. It is the one area I feel the need to address before I know I am as victorious as I feel.
Take care of yourself. Eat right, work out, meditate, read, be social, relax, pamper yourself, and love yourself. Besides if you don’t, then no one else will. That is the truth. This site helped me in more ways than I can ever say. Some women on here inspired me and consoled me in times of great need. I wish you all the best. You are stronger than you believe. This past year has changed me and wherever you are on this journey it will change you too, hopefully, for the better. Now I know I deserve so much more.
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