This has been rattling around in my head so I thought I’d put it out there. I’ve noticed with new members joining and recalling my own story, how the man I’m divorcing is a complete stranger. This seems to be a common thing, something in them changes and suddenly we find that the man we are dealing with is completely different from the one we married.
Then it hits - it’s over; the marriage, your friendship, everything from those shiny dreams of a house full of kids to growing old together. Now what are you left with? You are mourning the loss of the man you knew, morning the loss of your marriage and dreams. It really is like grieving the loss of a loved one.
Well that brings us to the stages of grief; we’ve all been through them or are going through them.
- Shock – How could this happen to me? Where did this come from? I never saw it coming!
- Denial - This is all just a bad dream and I will wake up soon - very, very soon.
- Anger – That dirty, rotten so and so! “I hope his *insert body part* falls off and may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his…” Yeah, I got stuck in this stage for a bit. It was everything from the way he went about things, to what he said to me, to the way he lied to me. It just all made me really, really angry to point that I was angry about being angry. I eventually attended a group session on dealing with anger and while for the most part, I was not as angry as some of the ladies; it helped to know that I was not alone in my feelings. We talked about how to channel our anger, the idea of getting what you give and so on. I still had a lot of anger, but I also found writing helped. I wrote short stories that would end in a variety of ways, all of course to the detriment of the Ex - that was always satisfying :)
- Bargaining – this is where we promise to change, thinking maybe we can work this out. Maybe some can, for me, I never went through this. Once he was out of the house, I knew I never wanted him back. Didn’t stop me mourning the loss of what I thought we had though.
- Guilt – Was it my fault, what could I have done to change this? Feeling guilty for the way you’re feeling, be it anger, longing whatever. Forgive yourself and let it go. Even if you could have done something differently, would that have changed the outcome? Relationships take 2 people.
- Depression – Come on, raise your hand - we’ve all hit this wall. It’s like a ton of bricks hitting you hard, weighing down on you making it hard to breath. You don’t want to do anything, even crying starts to be too much. We lose weight, sure we look great but we feel awful. Get help, get counseling, and see your doctor. Even superwomen need support – hmm maybe that’s why it’s Wonderbra, but I digress, talk to people, shower and leave the house. There is a big world out there and even if you want to cocoon inside your dark room, it’s worth it to step out into the light. Start small, but don’t let depression keep you down.
- Acceptance and Hope – There’s that light at the end of the long dark tunnel. Yes, my marriage is over, yes I am getting divorced but that does not make me any less of a person or a failure. It takes courage to go through divorce; it is by no means an easy process. Hope, yes there is hope. Smiles come back, laughter bubbles out. We can find joy and happiness and yes, even love again.
Hugs to all.
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