I was a sad little girl until about a year ago. At 39, I had led my life in the clouds, hoping and wishing for the best, dreading that reality would hit me soon, and exercising supreme cowardice by running away from my problems. On the day I turned 40, I found myself in tears in front of my children after a long night of more quarreling with my hub. That was when I decided to grow up.
You see, I cared way too much what other people would think of me. My mind was constantly inundated with voices from my friends, relatives and my parents. Oh Man! MY PARENTS! Since the beginning, I knew things were weird in my marriage, but dared not to challenge what I thought was the "perfect" union in my parents' eyes. I'm not saying it was their fault I stayed. But it was definitely a lack of confidence in my own judgment that forced me to learn a valuable lesson: never doubt your inner voice.
Nowadays, I've found my inner peace, which came from learning how to silence the voices in my head. Those voices weren't other personalities, don't worry, I'm not a split personality. But they were those of my ego, trying to make me feel guilty and sad by rehashing my past and coming up with scary notions to unhinge me. With every day that passes, I heal a little bit more and my inner strength grows.
The Peace I Now Feel Is Wonderful
Once in a while, the ego will try to sneak in some sad or scary notion, and I can put it to rest with one swift kick. But here's the clincher. My mother has had a hard time dealing with my divorce and projected all of her fears about this whole ordeal onto me. She sits there and goes over the sordid details, coming up with her own theories of what went wrong and why my ex is so crazy. But the fact is, my Ex is not that crazy and I don't want to talk about stuff that's done and over with.
She's so angry with me that I won't talk to her that she's stopped communicating with me. You'd think that'd bother me to no end, but you know what? I'm enjoying the peace. I discovered that I was okay with her not talking to me, because I know it's not my problem that she's having such a hard time. It's her. It wasn't that long ago, that I would have blamed myself for everything and the voices of my merciless ego would have taken over me. But hell no! Not this time or any time after this, as long as I can help it.
Why? Because I know now what's best for me.
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