As we all know each stage of divorce comes with a roller coaster of emotions. We're up; we're down, back and forth, round and round. We lose our stomachs, we are dizzy with pain and our hearts are bruised and broken. But today I experienced a new one. It took me by surprise and I really had to assess this.
My husband, or should I now say STBX, filed for divorce, which meant I retained a lawyer, and as she was going over the details I had a sense of punishment flow over me. PUNISHMENT! I felt unjustly convicted for a crime I didn't commit. I was paying my fines and when the final court date comes, I will be given my life sentence. I will live my life with a divided family in a little apartment that won't be familiar to me and with limited resources which will hopefully be enough to make do and get by day to day.
What have I done? I loved and cared for my husband. Since when did loving and caring for someone become a crime? As I was driving home, this was eating at me. I began to consider how I was treated in the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected by him. But regardless, I craved him and so wanted his attention.
I feverously and exhaustingly did all I could to make the marriage "work." I gave him so many years of love and caring with not a lot in return. And I realized recently that my heart has been chained all these years. The emotional abuse and neglect were chained inside my heart, locking the love for myself out. I stated to get a little peeved and thought, "Haven't I already put in my time?" This gave me a totally new perspective on this feeling of punishment. I've already been punished; I've already served my life sentence.
Perhaps the divorce is the key that I needed to unchain my heart. The key to break the chains, setting the emotional abuse and neglect free and opening up my heart to fill with love for myself and with the love of others. How amazing is that going to feel?
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