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It's been a number of months since my life, as I had known it, was uprooted and turned upside down by my divorce. During the early days there was a lot of turmoil, depression and fear. Seven months later I can look back and see how much I overcame. I cried yesterday. I cried because I was so proud of myself for making it. 
I am going to be very honest here. The first three months were hell.

A mixture of emotions hit me like a brick wall. I didn't want him to leave ME. I wanted what I had, even if it wasn't good. My ego was destroyed. He left me: because I was not smart enough, because I was not thin enough, because he wanted to see what else was out there, because I did not make enough money, because he wanted someone more trophy wife appropriate and prestigious on his arm. I was discarded.  The pain I felt was unbearable. I wanted to harm him and myself. I was jealous that he was taking my lifestyle away. He was taking away my plans and dreams for our future.


With time and space I was able to see all the dysfunction and realize that I had held on tightly wishing for things to be what I needed and would not receive for too many years. Then I received everything that was withheld from me for so long from this man. My life did a 180. I don't have the resources I once had. My fancy dinners out have been traded in for a quick carry out restaurant or a normal chain restaurant.  I live alone, but my space is completely my space. 
I am seeing a new guy now, and we see each other several times a week. I have such a rich social life outside of the Ex too.

I'm happier now than I can ever remember. I don't have material things that were so important to the Ex. The Ex used to look at me and never compliment me; he would stare at the diamond earrings he purchased and tell me how beautiful the earrings were. The ex would make me feel in those moments that I was not beautiful enough to wear them. It was cruel. Yesterday my new guy said the dress I was wearing looked so nice on me; that I was pretty. I cried. I've waited so long to hear this: it just wasn't from the person that I waited so long to hear it from.


For my Ex I wasn't thin enough so he would avoid my waist. This new guy kisses and puts his arms around my abdomen and does not make comments about my shape. He’s never made me feel self conscious about my weight. I can't believe how great it has become. It was hard and I still have some moments but overall I have made it out and look forward to my future.

 

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