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Dear God, I imagine resting my head on Your chest, my arms grasping each other in that innate self-protection I have developed, Your head bending down to kiss my forehead and arms hugging me into You. I weep. My shoulders shake with each sob but I eventually make no noise, having nothing left to release. I am deflated. I desperately want You to fill me back up with Your grace and beauty; to convince my paralyzed spirit to walk again. My soul thirsts for You. I tilt my chin up, close my eyes, hold out my arms and pretend the rain from the sky is Your grace soaking into my skin.

My sword is dull from battle, my armor dented and punctured. Bitterness, resentment and hatred are relentless opponents; eager to replace my weary spirit I am trying so hard to keep focused. I pray for You to replace those broken links with impenetrable threads of possession – will You tell them that I am Yours? I am weak and my once resilient voice is now a mere murmur to my enemies’ ears.

Will You send your legions of angels? Surely they will stand in front of my marred body and fight this battle on my behalf.  And will You send Mary, the one who knows You best? Surely her gracious and kind touch will dry my eyes and help me focus on Your loving presence.

And God… will you be with H? Please hold his heart in Your hands and help him see the love You want for his life. Please don’t let him stay jaded and angry at me, my decision or our marriage. Show him what You have shown me: happiness is more important than the ring. Help him see who he really is and become comfortable with the qualities that are both good and bad in his being. I lift up his family, that they promote a spirit of healing and understanding instead of blame and contempt.  

I love You, my heavenly Father… so much. While I don’t see the path You have chosen for me and in no way do I pretend to understand the boulders that stand in my way, I choose You.


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