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I have progressed so much that I am shocked and discouraged that I feel so lonely and such despair!  I need feedback on some feelings and thoughts, as I know many of you will relate immediately.  

First of all, I was let go from a brand new job recently.  My marriage, rejection, insecurities, and all the pain of being cast aside and never being good enough has come flooding back.   I clearly see I have A LOT of work still to do in healing.  The thought of family is also saddening me greatly.  My kids don't have a strong connection to my family.  They all love us, but we can never catch up.  I just feel we don't matter. They had to get used to us not being there and now i just don' t feel like I matter.  There are so many trust issues.  I want people to understand how hard it is to be in this place, in my shoes, trying to start over and create a new life, but of course they can't.  

I lost all this time with my family trying to hold together this family.  I spent years trying to make a marriage work that was never going to work, all the while raising two children.  My ex's family is so unhealthy and they were the only family my children were allowed to be around so they had not idea what I fun family holiday or event looks like. Even though I knocked myself out trying to create a joyful, loving home.  I feel like we will never have a family and that I will just end up alone.  

My children love me and we are close, but now their dad's girlfriend broke up with him so he is back on the picture to be fed Narc supply from his kids.   I also am having a hard time wanting to make friends.  Does anyone else want to just start over with a clean slate?   My friends here love me, but life goes on for them while I am still over here trying to move forward.  It feels so good to get on the highway and drive away from here and be somewhere that is fresh and new. I just can't figure out what I need or want.  I am conflicted in thinking one day I am ready to start over and then wondering if I will just be lonelier.  Therein lies the rub; I am lonely no matter where I am.  So tired, and tired of talking about it. Thoughts?

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  • Comment Link Healing magic Tuesday, 13 February 2018 00:12 posted by Healing magic

    It is a roller coaster and we all are on it. Sometimes the lows make us feel oh so low that we forget that there will be high too, sometime soon. The hormones, the full moon, the stresses and the withdrawal symptoms from all the drama, gets the mind working overdrive thinking and rethinking to make sense of it all. My counselor said to me recently, when in the storm, you couldnt have seen it in the eye. I paraphrase, the point is, having lived a lie and under fear, the anxiety consumed me after my divorce and I didnt realize until after sharing on FWW that ex was playing his parental alienation game. My kids and I were close, I hope I can recover from it.

    However, you can see the bright side of your kids being close with you. Yes, your ex can try make things confusing, but if you speak your truth every time but not focus on his drama, but on kids and you, the security they get from stable home that only you can give them, will make things balance better.

    As for lonely thoughts, thoughts are just replaying like a movie, observe and journal here or notepad. Take counseling and give yourself time to process all the emotions.

    As you make peace within, healing will happen and things will get clearer. SharP said in another blog on FWW, We didn't get in this in a day, so we have to give ourselves time to get out of it too.

    You got this girl. You are not alone. All the best. (((Hugs)))

  • Comment Link Tibs Thursday, 11 January 2018 17:57 posted by Tibs

    I believe when we get out of certain situations where we were abused either mentally or physically, and we are marching forward to be the best version of ourselves...a void is still there. We say we are going to fill it with healthy things, and we can. However, there is a time frame where that void is there...even though it is aching for the loss of that bad thing...the body and mind are adjusting and it takes time. We were programmed for a period of time that the verbal/physical abuse was some form of love. That was a very misguided and wrong way of thinking, but for better or worse...we were living under the illusion that it was real.

    Moving into a new life, learning new habits is hard. Even though it is better for you, it is still not without some adjustment. The effort you make, the steps you take toward a more productive future and healthier way of thinking is so important and so worth all the struggle. Hang in there, no back sliding. Never allow someone to treat you that way again.

    That being said, sharing children with someone is going to be very difficult. I was not lucky enough to find the way through to the other side. My child deteriorated to such a state that I had to let her go and be with her dad full time even after the courts ruled in my favor to have full custody. She began terrorizing me, my husband and stepchildren and even the dog to the point that none involved were safe.

    I ask myself every day what I could have done differently, and honestly in my circumstance there was NOTHING I could have done differently. I pray that we all find our way through dealing with people with mental illness and personality disorders that cause them to cause so much chaos where it is just not necessary, healthy or productive.

    I realize I am responding to a post from 2016, but home that any who read this know I am sending you positive vibes and patient loving understanding for your journey.

  • Comment Link Mac Sunday, 07 January 2018 23:05 posted by Mac

    I can relate to everything you posted. Exactly the same situation occurred with my family. It was particularly challenging to get my kids interested in having a relationship with my family because they were grown by the time my ex left. However, every healthy person responds to love, and my relatives have really reached out to us. Things are going well, but it takes time. Your kids will heal faster if they see you moving on. My best advice (not being flippant here) is to give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Please know that there are other women who have survived this, and your story touches our hearts. Go, woman, go. There is happiness down the road for you.

  • Comment Link designermom Wednesday, 29 November 2017 16:05 posted by designermom

    Please know that family isn't always related by blood... surround yourself with others who lift you up, and love you for you. You deserve it. Find joy in just spending time with your kids... focus on them in the now, celebrate who they are today. Be the stable, calm presence that it sounds like you are in their lives. I hope you find hope and healing knowing you are most certainly NOT alone. All of us who have suffered abuse have lost a part of ourselves. It's okay to grieve that. But it's also okay to accept the new you with your eyes fixed on what's ahead, not what's behind. Your strength lies within.Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. Be patient with yourself, above all.

  • Comment Link Timetomoveon Tuesday, 19 September 2017 15:55 posted by Timetomoveon

    We understand. When an ex-husband twists you into a pretzel, it takes awhile to untangle the mess. It isn't a quick fix, for sure. I began by throwing something positive at every negative thing that happened. I took quilting classes, sewing classes, knitting classes, piano classes...After awhile, something happened. I realized that I had widened my world and made a lot of new friends. And my ex? He lives with his mother.

  • Comment Link JLG Saturday, 18 March 2017 14:34 posted by JLG

    I am a new member and have a desperately sad story myself which I have yet found any place on this website to express (pretty long story), but I wanted to tell you I totally understand the feelings you are feeling. The despair, the fatigue, the wondering if you can ever trust anyone, anything again! It doesn't seem like there are a lot of subscribers here as I see you wrote your story last September and nothing here. I am discouraged by that.

    You are in a depression, like me. It makes us paralyzed, and if you've not experienced it, it is hard for anyone else to understand. I was always the go-getter, the one helping others and offering advice. I was never paralyzed and certainly not a procrastinator--just the opposite. Now I don't even recognize myself. I am assuming you feel the same. That adds to the loneliness of it all. When you don't even recognize yourself, how much more alone can you be? I am attractive I guess, but much older now and feel like my life is over really--I am pretty much just waiting to die (and I almost did--part of my story). I don't have children. I had a dream you might relate to in some degree anyway, but it sure didn't need a psychologist to interpret it. I woke up and was surrounded by all kinds of trash, dirt and large boulders. I couldn't understand where I was and I couldn't find anyone I recognized to ask where I was and what was going on. I saw something under a big rock I recognized--something from my home and I worked very hard to retrieve it. And then I saw another item and retrieved it. I started making a pile of stuff--off to the side where there was a clearing of all this trash and debris. And the stack of items got pretty large. But I still felt so lonely and afraid. No one to talk to, no one who could understand my fear and loneliness. And then I realized I was in a dump--a landfill--and I had been thrown out like a piece of trash. I was trying to recapture my life by gathering everything I could recognize, but then I realized it would never be home, I would never be home again, and I started to cry, and then I woke up.

    I am so sorry for your pain. I feel it for I understand it. It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I am still in that city dump, surrounded by some items I recognize, in a house but not a home. Maybe I will find a place to tell my whole story on here, maybe not, but I wish you the strength and insight and faith to create --a real home, where you can feel safe and loved, worthwhile, and at peace.

  • Comment Link Pstorm50 Wednesday, 04 January 2017 02:34 posted by Pstorm50

    I too, feel your pain. It's like 1 step forward and 2 huge steps back. And it's because we care. We have empathy. I'm the type of person that once I love you, I don't stop. How can someone just stop loving someone?? Especially a spouse. They don't. I was married for 30 years and at 50 am starting over. December 22 would have been 32 years and that week was rough. But nothing will be worse than the pain he put me through for the last 3 years. All I can say is, it takes time. I just want to run away so many times but I know that's not the answer. The days are getting better and I know I'm a lot farther than I was, but it will take more time. In the meantime, all we can do is push forward. I am lonely for the husband that I used to know. Even though I know that he is "gone". It's a mourning period and who knows how long it will last. I encourage you to spend more time with your friends. Let them keep you busy. In my area I have joined a Meetup group and they are always doing something. Push yourself. Get to know yourself. Make this time about YOU. And you will not end up alone. There is someone for everyone. And I don't know about anyone else, but I found out just how strong I really am. You will get there. It's not a race. It's more like a marathon. God bless you.....

  • Comment Link Lisa Mills Monday, 07 November 2016 00:31 posted by Lisa Mills

    I so sympathize with everything you just said. I've felt exactly as you have. I am in my second marriage that is failing. My first husband(of 21yrs, 3 children) was also a narcissist. My current husband is a passive aggressive narcissist. He left over 2 months ago after, yet again, accusing me of an outrageous, horrible thing. We've only been married 3 1/2 years, that have been characterized with cyclical turmoil. Nothing could go right for more than a few months, and he would invent something to be wrong. I'm done with living like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home. Me & my kids deserve better. I WILL be going to start over in a warmer climate in a couple years when my youngest graduates high school. I pray that your life gets on track..I know what it's like to have a narcissist wreck your life.

  • Comment Link KamillaBeans Monday, 17 October 2016 06:52 posted by KamillaBeans

    Been there, experienced those emotions, loneliness, despair, cant work because I was too depressed, like the past was hainting me, travel use to was my little escape, food was my escape, my children were, it was always something, I put god in that void, nothing can fill that void like jesus , not drugs, not sex, not alcohol, yeah we might slip up, but try. Try therapy, like group therapy your insurance covers, get a pen pal, go to events in your city, try different food or music, yoga, meds, getting rid of any painful reminders, and so on...

  • Comment Link Debbie Monday, 03 October 2016 02:34 posted by Debbie

    Hi I am currently in the midst of getting divorce. This came unexpectedly after my husband and I returned from a trip to Costa Rica. There is an emptiness because I have no biological children, my immediate family is small, 5 members. My husband has disconnected himself and it been very difficult to speak with friends, which are few, because they have their own lives
    I have been relying on to jakes and super soul Sunday's along with devotional prayer to help me get through this time but it has been a challenge and I find myself by myself having anxiety which is new to me. At this point in my life I am reaching out asking for any advice that will help to keep me grounded and a platform which I can have some support no matter how small it is.

  • Comment Link warriorwoman Tuesday, 20 September 2016 16:44 posted by warriorwoman

    Hi, I am in the same position as you are in trying for 8 years to be a good wife. But N is never satisfied with anything & I get blamed for it all. I spokecto a lawyer yesterday to assist me in getting through this & securing maintenance. My children are still small...3 years. I also feel so helpless & don't like the place where I am at in my head or life. On top of all my mother-in-law is also a Sociopath & I had to break NC today on account of her having to pay for a car service. It was so embarassing sitting there &;waiting for her to show up before they release the car. I berate myself for not being financially independent & just feel bad about myself. Now I know why I never want contact with these evil people again. STBX & his Psycho mom. Sorry if I am rambling. Thanks for reading.

  • Comment Link Whisper8 Tuesday, 13 September 2016 03:51 posted by Whisper8

    I just want you to know....your not alone in the way you feel. I can relate to your situation. I have busted my butt for the last decade creating an amazing home, family for my children. I've been a kind and caring, fun and supportive wife for 20 years. I am always there for my parents and brother whenever they need me, and yet...I feel utterly alone. And I'm exhausted. I'm getting ready to leave my marriage and the future is scary. I feel I have no one to lean on. But...this is what should keep us going. This is a journey. The path behind us has already been traveled, we can only choose where the new path leads. So where do you want to go? What do you want and need to make your journey happy? It doesn't need to happen this week...but what do you want for the next 10 years? Write them down, work on the most urgent first. Then think of the things you can do to accomplish your larger goals. The trick is....just start. Start small...but start the journey. The more you look forward...the less time spent dwelling on the road already traveled. Take care my friend. And don't be afraid to dream big!