I have progressed so much that I am shocked and discouraged that I feel so lonely and such despair! I need feedback on some feelings and thoughts, as I know many of you will relate immediately.
First of all, I was let go from a brand new job recently. My marriage, rejection, insecurities, and all the pain of being cast aside and never being good enough has come flooding back. I clearly see I have A LOT of work still to do in healing. The thought of family is also saddening me greatly. My kids don't have a strong connection to my family. They all love us, but we can never catch up. I just feel we don't matter. They had to get used to us not being there and now i just don' t feel like I matter. There are so many trust issues. I want people to understand how hard it is to be in this place, in my shoes, trying to start over and create a new life, but of course they can't.
I lost all this time with my family trying to hold together this family. I spent years trying to make a marriage work that was never going to work, all the while raising two children. My ex's family is so unhealthy and they were the only family my children were allowed to be around so they had not idea what I fun family holiday or event looks like. Even though I knocked myself out trying to create a joyful, loving home. I feel like we will never have a family and that I will just end up alone.
My children love me and we are close, but now their dad's girlfriend broke up with him so he is back on the picture to be fed Narc supply from his kids. I also am having a hard time wanting to make friends. Does anyone else want to just start over with a clean slate? My friends here love me, but life goes on for them while I am still over here trying to move forward. It feels so good to get on the highway and drive away from here and be somewhere that is fresh and new. I just can't figure out what I need or want. I am conflicted in thinking one day I am ready to start over and then wondering if I will just be lonelier. Therein lies the rub; I am lonely no matter where I am. So tired, and tired of talking about it. Thoughts?