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In my last article, I wrote about things to consider before making the decision to divorce. This article deals with accepting and recognizing when it is time to "throw in the towel." Below are a few signs that you are dealing with a marriage that has gone past the point of saving...in my opinion.

Are you to the point that your spouse just can't do anything right, does everything they do get under your skin?

Shortly before my Aunt and Uncle divorced, I heard her say, "If he died tomorrow I'd have to peel an onion before I could shed a tear." Their marriage had gone on way too long. So long that she had developed feelings of animosity toward her husband. If you feel yourself moving in that direction, do yourself and him a favor and move on.

Are you tired of the trying, so tired you can't muster of the energy to even engage anymore?

Trying to solve marital problems can turn into a cycle of the wife trying to get her needs met and the husband stonewalling or dismissing her. A woman will normally try to re-engage her husband. Women are natural problem solvers who don't give up easily. She will eventually tire of trying to engage her husband in finding solutions to the marital problems. She will withdraw, stop expressing her needs; and once this happens, the marriage is headed for separation or divorce.

Does the idea of sex with your spouse cause you to shudder?

Does the idea of sex with your husband cause you to feel trapped, like you want to cry, pack your bags and never come back? If so, it is time to act on your feelings.

Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?

Feelings of resentment come from being hurt by your husband. They stem from allowing someone to hurt you. There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt by the actions of another. The kiss of death to a marriage comes when we harbor those hurt feelings and do nothing about them. When you don't voice your feelings in a proper manner or stand up for yourself, hurt turns to resentment. From resentment grows bitterness and hostility, feelings hard to work through and more than likely mean the end of a marriage.

The above list is a small sample of signs that your marriage is dead. Many women live for years in a marriage where some or all of the above signs are present. They stay for any number of reasons...guilt, religious beliefs, the children, fear of change. They stay for all the wrong reasons. In my opinion, when it is over, it is over. It is time to stop peeling onions and throw in the towel.

Related Articles:

Do Some Thinking Before Filing for Divorce - By Cathy Meyer

Click the following for more articles and resource videos on Getting A Divorce

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1169 comments

  • Comment Link Kaye Friday, 11 April 2014 16:36 posted by Kaye

    I have been married 22 years. I married my husband when I was 38 because after 20 years, I felt I was unlikely to find anyone better, he seemed like someone I could live with, he seemed fairly attractive, seemed as if he really liked me, and I was in a bad period of my life - didn't have many friends, couldn't find a good job, was poor. He didn't make much money either, but I thought together, we at least would have a little more. Long story short, my husband has severe ADHD, depression, and mood disorder, for which he is now being treated, but it has been a decades-long struggle to get him to accept treatment. However, he has the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old, and that will never change. We don't have children. I am 59, he's 56, and now that we are nearing retirement, we would be more secure financially if we stayed together. I have always worked, and he has too, but we could have a much better quality of life if we remained together. I figure if I have made it this long, I can surely make it till we die. He has some good qualities, and I try to focus on those, but imagine being married to a 10-year-old. It grates on the nerves.

  • Comment Link Helen Sunday, 02 March 2014 18:11 posted by Helen

    I have been married for 23 years, almost 24. Things seemed fine in the beginning then he became more involved with a professional organisation to do with work. I end up feeling like a single parent. I worked after my daughter was born but when I found out I was pregnant my son my wage would only just have covered childcare costs so I gave up work and my children have turned out pretty amazing. We then went on to have another 2 daughters. The night before our youngest was born I discovered addresses of clubs in London, where he was going on business of cross dressing clubs, I was devastated and didn't know if I had a home to come home to!!!! He convinced me it was mild curiosity that's all and so we continued. When my baby daughter was then 2, he and his brothers had gone on a golfing trip, to cut along story short a month later I discovered he had met a girl and asked her to join him at a hotel, he told me before he was going on a business trip and had to stay over anyway the girl declined the offer and he told me it was because I didn't make a big enough effort. Life carried on and about 6 years later I discovered he had joined a dating agency.....guess whose fault that was. Then last year he had an affair with a woman he met in a bar. It ended. When I found out I threw him out and he got an apartment but insists the marriage isn't over and comes down at the weekend arguing that he needs the apartment for business and it makes more sense to stay in it than spend time travelling. I suppose at this point I should also point out that he resents me for giving up work. 6 months later to my horror it turned out my husband was a full blown cross dresser!!!! He then started to take a lady out to dinner and clubs but told me it was friendship and I didn't understand.....he didn't tell her he was married!!!! I wish someone could help me get through this and decide what to do

  • Comment Link rosh Wednesday, 26 February 2014 08:54 posted by rosh

    I have been recently married before 8 months we both are divorced from our first marriage...this is our love marriage, but i discovered that my husband loves me but when i have some physical pain or if i am not well or tired from my days work and when i complain to him he ignores me totally as if he didnot hear me or he change the subject... whereas we both work and he comes back home and relaxes and me coming back from work do the household chores and before sleeping i give him a body message foot massage head massage but when i need the same care he totally refuse... i become very tired and sick at times..i am sad please advise.

  • Comment Link Veronica Saturday, 08 February 2014 03:45 posted by Veronica

    I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for three years going into our fourth year. Under the circumstances that happened before we met I couldn't work for a while. Although, I felt with everything that had to do in our personal life and not only clean the house and so the laundry. I also adopted his sisters kids for four month to help her during her relapse to drugs after his father died. Leaving all of that aside, what I could not understand is why he never had sex with me. It would be months in between almost a year the first time and I could not understand. Yes he admired to having an alcohol issue but he never had that when we first met. All of a sudden after dismissing me in regards to everything and not having a legitimate answer. We are currently in counseling and not bc he suggested but I did for my own sanity. We tried that before but he would show up drunk. I don't want to have any sexual relations with him but I also do not feel sickened by the thought. I don't share my desires with him or make plans. I've pretty much shut down. He is close but I feel this weird distance from him and in not sure where it is coming from. I almost feel that he has someone else and can give a **** if I left. Excuse me for my choice of words but I'm baffled as to how a man can say I love you and not buy you not one I'm sorry flower or write me a love letter?? I don't feel that he is sorry for emotionally taking advantage and abusing me for three years. Any suggestions as to how to make a final decision?

  • Comment Link Rhonda Sunday, 02 February 2014 04:15 posted by Rhonda

    My husband and I have been together for 27 years. I am so tired of everything. I work full time and my husband has not worked since my first child was born 18 years ago. I have 2 children. So, I work full time, and come home to make meals, fold wash run my daughter around etc. my husband thinks he does everything by vacuuming and dusting once a week and putting the wash in the washer and dryer. He doesn't even sort it, wow what a huge job!!! The work is folding it and putting it away. The rest of the time he sits on the couch. Anytime there is a function that we should both go to for our kids he is sick all of a sudden and can't do anything. He is angry all the time, yelling, impatient about everything. He can't talk to the kids or ask them anything calmly, it's just yelling all the time and of course teenagers yell back right so this is what I come home to everyday. I'm going through a change in life so he thinks because I want peace in the house so I get mad at him for treating the kids this way. I don't even want to be at home most of the time but I do. I have no friends as he has found something wrong with everyone who has ever dropped in and his excuse is we have kids that's why we can't eat out, see a friend or whatever. I love him but am not in love with him. He irritates me more and more each day. He is so controlling of everything, what you buy, where you go. Sometimes I feel like I am in a father daughter relationship instead of husband and wife. I buy stuff I want sometimes and leave it in the car until a day he goes somewhere and then I sneak it in the house. By the way, he doesn't leave the house often. It's like he's afraid of the world. Anyway I could say so much more but I would have to write a book. Sorry it's so long. I am really thinking of leaving but am scared that I may hurt him-- I have threatened this before and he says he will kill himself. Ive tried to talk to him, but if it doesnt interest him, he is not interested in it, thanks for listening.

  • Comment Link Emma Jane Wednesday, 29 January 2014 05:11 posted by Emma Jane

    Marianna, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds really, really hard. I'm curious, what tipped your suspicions to look at Craigslist.
    It sounds like there is a reason it's his third. Straight men don't do that.
    I often struggle with my husband and wonder the same about him. For various reasons. Sometimes I wish I could find something like what you found, just so I would feel justified in leaving him.
    Best of luck to you.

  • Comment Link PurplePrincess Tuesday, 28 January 2014 22:14 posted by PurplePrincess

    I like all of you are feeling the same way. I dated my husband for 3 years before I kept begging for a ring. I was 26 and all my friends were married and starting to have kids. I felt so left out so when he proposed it was all about the wedding and planning.

    I remember my Mom asking me on my wedding day if I was happy and I was sure I wanted to do this. I laughed it off and said of course.

    We have been married for 3 years now and I am not attracted to him anymore. He drives me nuts I can not stand to be in the same room with him. We have slept in seperate bedrooms since before we were married because of his snoring.

    I am lucky I do not have any kids and no debt together with him. I think I did that on purpose so I could leave easier.

    We have a dog who is mostly mine and I plan on taking her with me when I go. I am lucky to have such a supportive family to help me get through this. It is sad when your family tells you that you lost your sparkle because of trying to be someone he wanted me to be.

    We were very different people and I should have saw that as a sign from the start. However I wanted to play house and bride. I never thought of having kids with him I just could not see it in the future.

    I have so much guilt but it is for the best he deserves someone who will love him and give him what I can't. He is just not my forever and I know that deep down inside.

  • Comment Link MESSIAH Tuesday, 28 January 2014 01:31 posted by MESSIAH

    HUNNY,
    RED FLAG AFTER RED FLAG...WHY DO WE ENDURE AND ALLOW SO MUCH AS WOMEN I HAVE NO IDEA....WE GIVE OUR ALL TO THESE MEN AND IN RETURN WE GET UNAPPRECIATION AND SELFISHNESS...IF HE HAS TESTED POSITIVE THE BIGGEST CONCERN IS YOUR STATUS AND THE THOUGHT THAT HE HAS PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK KNOWING THAT THERE ARE CHILDREN THAT DEPEND ON YOU DAILY SHOWS HE GIVES TWO LOVELY CARES ABOUT YOU AND HIS MARRIAGE...IT'S TIME TO GO..BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND ASK WHY DO YOU STAY???? YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM...I KNOW IT'S EASOER SAID THAN DONE, BUT HE HAS DONE THE ULTIMATE- HE HAS PUT HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AT RISK AND DISRESPECTED YOU ALONG WITH BEING SOOO SELFIFISH THAT HE SCREWS AROUNS UNPROTECTED....YOU DESEVRVE BETTER- EVEN IF YOU TESTED POSITIVE TOMORROW- YOU DONT DESERVE THAT BULL..AND HE KNOWS YOU WIL ALLOW IT- ALWAYS REMEMBER A MAN ONLY DOES TO US WHAT WE ALLOW.....BEST OF LUCK

  • Comment Link Anna Monday, 27 January 2014 22:49 posted by Anna

    My husband and I dated for 5 years and we have now been married for over 7 years.

    We lost out first baby to meningitis and since then we've never been ok. We now have 3 beautiful healthy kids but my husband give us no support only financially.

    He does not help take care of the kids or his home. Our kids are 5, 4 and 4 months old. He don't do any chores no cooking nothing just pays the bills and sits!!!

    I'm tired I physically can't live with someone like this I rather be alone. It's too hard. I'm doing it all on my own but without paying bills!

    He tried to kill me over Xmas and wanted to push me down the stairs in front of my 4 year old son!!

    Before he's tried to break my leg in the door. I am flat out caring for the kids alone as well as trying to get all the housework done and cooking. I literally am struggling to do it all but he still just sits.

    I'm ready to leave him.

    He goes on nights out drinking guitar lessons yet our family need him but he don't care he brags about it saying he needs his time!!

    Fxxx us basically!

    I don't want to do this anymore life is so short.

  • Comment Link Lesego Wednesday, 15 January 2014 13:44 posted by Lesego

    My husband and I have been together for 16 years but only married for two years. we have two kids, after the mirage things got out of control. He has been cheating on me without hiding it, if am not in the house he bring his girlfriends into our house. If he doesn't sleep out he come home early in the mornings. I tried being strong but I cant take it anymore. He moved out of our bedroom is like he lost interest in me completely. we don't do anything together every time I try speaking to his he tells me I must leave my life and he will leave his. he recently tested HIV positive and I'm HIV negative. I wanted to stay for my kids sake but I think is not worth it. Please advice

  • Comment Link May Monday, 06 January 2014 22:22 posted by May

    My husband and I have been married for 12 years. For most of which I have delt with being accused of cheating. It seems I can do nothing right, and I never do enough. It seems that I am only good for one thing and it is expected daily. If he doesn't get what he wants he gets angery and will give me a guilt trip about not loving him and he won't stop until I give in. I feel so bad about wanting it to end because we have 5 children together and I know how devistated they will be.

  • Comment Link Marianna Friday, 27 December 2013 20:24 posted by Marianna

    I have been married for almost a year now, with my husband for three. I found out he has been on Craig'slist seeking out sex with other men. I confronted him about it but he says he is just curious but will never admit to being bi. He scoffs at it, says he never cheated on me but I KNOW he is going on there for MSM. I am 45 years old and this is my first marriage, his 3rd. I am at a lost. I love him but I cannot live like this any more. I am very unhappy. I even suggested counseling and all I got in return was silence.

  • Comment Link irene Thursday, 12 December 2013 04:30 posted by irene

    I have been married for 40 years, most people look at us and think it's a great relationship. It's far from great, it's terrible. Unfortunately he is very sick and I feel so guilty leaving. I have nothing but pure contempt for him, there is no love, respect, or friendship between us. Since his illness he has become a mean spirited complaining old man. His idea of fixing any problem is to throw money at it and everything will be OK, this makes me angrier each time. He has no friends yet constantly complains about my friends. Yikes....I really need to get out of this marriage.

  • Comment Link  Christina Monday, 09 December 2013 09:52 posted by Christina

    DD, you sound like a decent guy and I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation, though my husband doesn't not want to sleep with me, he only wants one thing. When it's over we just go on with the rest of our day like it didn't happen, and he just resumes his hobbies which don't involve me or the kids. He also uses porn which I can understand when he's deployed (he's a Marine) but why use it when you're home? We don't spend any time together or talk about anything, and whatever we used to have in common is gone. I still love to do the same hobbies as I always did (fishing, skiing, hiking, mountain biking, surfing, traveling, etc.) but he's turned into a homebody who only wants to sit inside and watch TV and paint figurines. We run together but that's about the extent of our activities together, and that's just to stay in shape. I work long days sometimes but he still tells me I don't do anything. I also do most of the cleaning and help the kids with their homework (he uses the fact that he's a Marine to say he's too dumb to help them!) which I don't mind but I'm exhausted. Then when I'm too tired for sex on a weekday he gets mad. He's been physically abusive to me and has PTSD, and his mom tells him and me that I should just take it to not hurt his career (thanks mom!). I feel empty, like he doesn't care about me and that if I left it wouldn't matter after almost 14 years of marriage. I understand abou just wanting to sit down and talk with him, to see what he really wants and how he feels about me. He tells me he loves me but his actions say otherwise. He is getting ready to retire in a few months and we still have no real plans for where we will live (we are in military housing right now and will be forced to move out when he retires). We live in FL now but I really don't like it (I'm a mountain/snow girl) but he really doesn't seem to care where we live, since he has no real plans of going back to work and can paint figurines anywhere (he's only 41). This should be an exciting time for us but I'm dreading it. Our income will be slashed nearly in half (he makes a lot more than me) but he doesn't seem to even be worried about it. I feel like I'm married to a teenager! I don't know what to do, but I know I don't want to stay in Florida! It seems like I'm the only one who cares about this relationship, and I'm thinking you feel the same way!

  • Comment Link Marie Friday, 06 December 2013 09:01 posted by Marie

    My husband and I have been together for almost four years, married only one year. We have been living together a little over one year. Since we have been living together we have fought alot. We hardly have sex at all. He never kisses or holds me or shows affection whatsoever. He only shows interests in his hobbies and puts effort financially into those hobbies. He searches the internet for his activities but nothing on councelors or marriage advice. Never asks what U'd like to do together. Hasnt looked for work in over a year. Hasnt worked in over a year. Tells me everything wrong in his life is my fault. He constany fights with my twelve year old daughter. He is always criticising her while showering my seven year old with hugs and puppet shows. I dont understand whats happened or what to do. I resent him for how he treats my girls different and shows no interest in who I am or what I need and want but yet he wants to stay together.... Im totaly confused. Please give me some advice.

  • Comment Link amber Saturday, 23 November 2013 07:33 posted by amber

    I have been married since four years with a 1year old daughter ...i don't like him anymore he is 15 years older than me...neer respected me ...i don't remember if ever he had said anything nice to me or showed whether he loved me or even liked me.....i want to discontinue this relationship..... I have so much hatred for him now...but I am chained due to my daughter...i even think if he likes his daughter even he flirts with other girls show care for them just to make me feel jealous.he has pride in himself ....forever blaming accusing me....i take care of his things n when ever I need help support love he z not ther...i hate him so much now don't want to live with him anymore..

  • Comment Link  JNewsomeb Wednesday, 20 November 2013 15:03 posted by JNewsomeb

    Been married 15 years now and I don't think I've ever been happy. I grew up without a father and I didn't want the same for my girls. He doesn't want a divorce, so the only way for me to divorce him is to skip town and mail him the documents. Problem is, we are both in the military and tied together in a program that takes both signatures for us to be assigned to different locations. He won't sign so... He is a great guy. Just not the man for me. I left him the first year of our marriage. Guess I should have stayed gone. I just resent him so much for decisions in the past and I can't get pass it. It haunts me daily. Im to the point where I say 'I hate my life' at least once a day. I feel like a shell of a woman. I haven't recognized me on a long time. I stay clear of mirrors because there is allways an emptiness in my eyes, a lacking, a yearning.. a reminder that this is me. My life . has been reduced to army boots and a bad attitude. I used to have friends and fun, but my husband is an introvert, so I tried to respect that and center my social life around him and my kids. Big mistake.
    Joining the army. Huge mistake. I've always felt my potential far exceeded anything I could accomplish in the army, but my husband felt otherwise even going as far as using his influence to keep me on when a commander was going to let me out. I re-enlisted to keep my family together. I should've just took the three years away and left many years ago. My self-esteem is bruised beyond any words I can type here. My girls keep me here. With out them I would have quit on my marriage and if they wouldn't let me out of the army, I
    would just quit on life.

    This can't be life..

  • Comment Link claira Thursday, 14 November 2013 02:25 posted by claira

    My husband and I have been married just over a yr.been together for 3.he says he loves me,but I can't do anything without permission,I have no friends.he has choked me 2 times that has caused me to make a bowel movement on myself,he has hit me,put a knife to my throat,stabbed me in the head,punched,kicked,slapped me numerous times.I have so much hatred for him.I can't touch him...what should I do?

  • Comment Link DD Monday, 28 October 2013 16:31 posted by DD

    For five years I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom. My wife says she is not attracted to me anymore and she didn't know if her feelings for me would return. So for now, "please sleep in the spare room". I did so, I would do anything for her, but obviously I was mortified hearing that statement. This was five years ago. I soon noticed that she wouldn't look at me when we spoke...she would look at the floor or elsewhere. She never acknowledged me when I came home from work or when she went to bed. She just went up.
    I easily got under her skin with anything I did. I would like to note that I am a very houseproud husband and considerate husband (well...at least I think I am) And I always clean up after myself.
    I know after a period of time the "fire" douses a little and you or the other half or both of you do not feel like you did in the first year of marriage but this seems pretty extreme to me.

    Last year I got so depressed living what I considered to be a lie (everyone thinks we are happily married, and they still do) that I decided I couldn't take it anymore and told my wife that I wanted to leave. It was a big decision as I have two boys (9 and 13)
    I was confronted with a whole bunch of accusations of being selfish and abandoning my responsibilities. So now I'm the cause of the bust up? How dare I split on my two boys. She refuses to talk about our marriage and just says that I should stop feeling sorry for myself.
    We have been married now for fifteen years. The last five I have lived in "solitary".
    I haven't left yet.....I can't leave my boys. I just can't. My wife also said that if I did she would "take me to the cleaners". I feel I am stuck and just have to smile, man up and put up with it. At least until my boys are old enough. I'm not as depressed now. I have learned to live with it and lead a life as happy as can be... under the circumstances. I am pleasant to my wife and we do not argue about our problems. I have given up trying. Just that we live pretty much separate lives under the same roof. I feel like I am just there as a father to my boys and to pay the bills.
    I do still feel that after fifteen years there must be something right or we wouldn't have lasted this long and I do have feelings for her. Like I am holding on to hope that one day she'll change. I want to love somebody and care for them but it hard when that person clearly doesn't want it.
    And notice I haven't mentioned anyting about making love. I'm talking about the kind of love much much deepr than that.
    I do feel maybe that if she suddenly changed that I may not be able to give her that kind of love anymore as it has gone on so long now.
    The very least I would like is for a chance to sit down with my wife and at least talk. Talk about why she feels the way she does....what does she want from me...does she still want me. Maybe she can't explain it but at least try. And me to get her to understand that I am not feeling sorry for myself... there is a problem... isn't there?



    DUDE, there is a problem and don't let any human being legislate your life like that. if u divorce her, can she legally take u to the cleaners...look all that stuff up and ask a lawyer. She is using guilt, obligation and fear to keep u in the marriage. don't bother with her at ALL. u find out HOW to lay your ducks. then u come at her and let her rant all she wants and calmly say, i'm sorry u feel that way...but dis is how we are going to handle this. if u continue to stay then leave, u will be such a mess for a nice woman...that she will probably have no choice but to dump u due to this baggage.

  • Comment Link RJ Monday, 21 October 2013 13:57 posted by RJ

    I have been married for 9 years now and for the past few years we have been fighting off and on. There was a point at our 5 year mark that I stated maybe it would be best if we separated. He broke down mentally and I forgave him for the stuff we had went through. For he accused me of cheating on a regular basis and he was and still is a stay at home dad. I worked many hours to help support the family and I went to school to receive my MBA and yet he still gets onto me about only caring about work and school, not him. There are good days and bad days but lately I do not even want to come home but I do because I love my children and could not live without them. I have four children, 8,7, 2, and 1. My oldest two always talk to me about if I am okay after they have seen me cry and ask if they can all live with me when I leave. This hurt me the most because when my 8 year old can see that I want to leave he should not see that. I cry and am agitated more than I ever have. I do not enjoy the intimate time anymore and he says that I am not the same as when we first started dating. I understand that being a stay at home father is difficult but two of the children are in school through the week and when I ask for the house to be clean it turns into a fight on how difficult it is to do it with the children. When I am home and he goes out or wants to rest in the bedroom without the kids I can clean the house top to bottom with the help of my oldest two without hesitation. And if I am unable to complete one task such as vacuuming or couple loads of laundry he turns it into a fight as to why couldn't I have finished everything. I work more than 40 hours a week and I just graduated with my MBA. I take time out to play with my children and help them with their homework every night yet I am still neglecting him because I am not intimate every night or multiple times a night. Every fight breaks down to what I haven't been doing and what I have done wrong. I will usually just apologize to end the fight so that the children do not see their mother constantly crying. I have tried for the past 2-3 years to work on becoming more intimate but even when we are it is like the spark is not there anymore for I do not even want to kiss him anymore. He does not physically abuse me but I feel that there is mental abuse with the way he speaks to me on a day to day basis. I know if it was not for the children I would have already left. I just know that if I bring up divorce and it happens I am afraid of his reactions because he already says that if we separate he does not know what he would do for I am the best thing that has happened to him. This is said only when we have fought for days and he can see it in my eyes that I am done. Please any advice would be great as to if I should just continue for my children or if it would be best if I continued the filing for divorce.

  • Comment Link Ron Monday, 21 October 2013 00:23 posted by Ron

    This is posted to Fil, Your story is identical to mine, to a tee. I am to living the life you are dealing with and I hate it. It takes control of you when you wake up until you go to sleep. You and I have with this because we have kids. But I am on the verge of saying f@ck that and live for me. Because the kids are young they may get over it, they have time to but our time is running out.

  • Comment Link Kim Wednesday, 09 October 2013 22:50 posted by Kim

    Dear fil,

    I'm am so so sorry your wife has abandoned you even though a divorce is also paperwork it sounds like she's divorced you in her heart. It's unhealthy for you to stay and be depressed your children are very much aware I guarantee that. Stand up for yourself get out you don't deserve this. Do u want your boys to have this example of you? Live close so the boys can walk between you and your wife's house get %50 custody. She is no longer your responsibility. She left you.

  • Comment Link Carly Wednesday, 09 October 2013 03:13 posted by Carly

    I've been married for almost 2 years. We got married because I got pregnant with my son. I enjoyed spending time with him when we were dating but I never really saw it going anywhere. But then I got pregnant and he comes from a very religious family that really put the pressure on for us to get married. He's a good guy and a wonderful father but I just don't feel anything. I never want to have sex with him and everything he does is really starting to annoy me. I've become mean and easily aggitated. I'm not normally that way. I hate what I've turned in to. I don't want to hurt him but I don't feel anything when we're together. Another problem is if we split up, I would have to live with my parents temporarily to get back on my feet and they live two states away. I don't want to separate my husband and my son but I can't take care of us on my own just yet. I just don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Maria Tuesday, 01 October 2013 12:58 posted by Maria

    I don't know if I should walk or stay I only been marry for 6 months and so far all we do is argue over lil stupid things and I'm also not happy that is been 4 months and he does not have a job so I have been busting my butt to take care of us and we lost are apartment and have been staying with a family member I have told him to please help get a job but he does not even try I have went out look for places hiring got him many options but he just won't get a job he stays at home all day sleeping or playing video games and we don't talk anymore I come home from work and he is to into his video games or sleeping and if I try talk to him when he is in the middle of his games he gets mad or if I wake him up he gets mad he just does not give me any time we have sex maybe once a month and every time I'm the one that has to make the 1st move it drives me crazy because it makes me think he does not want me he tells everyone he loves me he tells me he is happy with me and that he loves me but sometimes he does not show it when I try talk to him about getting a job or doing some he gets so mad ends in a fight tells me all I care about is money that I don't respect him has men and on.. Last week we had are worst fight ever he use every cruise word in the book talk to me soo bad push me around he so abusive I was so scare and had never seen him like that I really don't know what to do I need help

  • Comment Link ddesperate Thursday, 19 September 2013 23:44 posted by ddesperate

    HELP!! My husband of 4 months treats me and my mom horrible!! He is emotionally and mentally abusive and always giving orders then wonders why i don't speak to him much.

  • Comment Link Marie Tuesday, 17 September 2013 18:31 posted by Marie

    I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and he is still cheating. He is all the time on the Internet talking with the same trashy girl, asking for her to send pictures. Then replies he would be all over her if she was there with him. I can't take this anymore. I have tried for over 8 years and nothing is changing. I'm tired of competing for his love. I'm his wife I shouldn't feel second to him. It's hard being pregnant and having two small children to just go and file for divorce, but I have no reasons to want to continue to stay in this unhealthy relationship.

  • Comment Link Fil Thursday, 05 September 2013 08:51 posted by Fil

    I know this site is aimed at women but I came accross it looking for help and maybe someone can.

    For five years I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom. My wife says she is not attracted to me anymore and she didn't know if her feelings for me would return. So for now, "please sleep in the spare room". I did so, I would do anything for her, but obviously I was mortified hearing that statement. This was five years ago. I soon noticed that she wouldn't look at me when we spoke...she would look at the floor or elsewhere. She never acknowledged me when I came home from work or when she went to bed. She just went up.
    I easily got under her skin with anything I did. I would like to note that I am a very houseproud husband and considerate husband (well...at least I think I am) And I always clean up after myself.
    I know after a period of time the "fire" douses a little and you or the other half or both of you do not feel like you did in the first year of marriage but this seems pretty extreme to me.

    Last year I got so depressed living what I considered to be a lie (everyone thinks we are happily married, and they still do) that I decided I couldn't take it anymore and told my wife that I wanted to leave. It was a big decision as I have two boys (9 and 13)
    I was confronted with a whole bunch of accusations of being selfish and abandoning my responsibilities. So now I'm the cause of the bust up? How dare I split on my two boys. She refuses to talk about our marriage and just says that I should stop feeling sorry for myself.
    We have been married now for fifteen years. The last five I have lived in "solitary".
    I haven't left yet.....I can't leave my boys. I just can't. My wife also said that if I did she would "take me to the cleaners". I feel I am stuck and just have to smile, man up and put up with it. At least until my boys are old enough. I'm not as depressed now. I have learned to live with it and lead a life as happy as can be... under the circumstances. I am pleasant to my wife and we do not argue about our problems. I have given up trying. Just that we live pretty much separate lives under the same roof. I feel like I am just there as a father to my boys and to pay the bills.
    I do still feel that after fifteen years there must be something right or we wouldn't have lasted this long and I do have feelings for her. Like I am holding on to hope that one day she'll change. I want to love somebody and care for them but it hard when that person clearly doesn't want it.
    And notice I haven't mentioned anyting about making love. I'm talking about the kind of love much much deepr than that.
    I do feel maybe that if she suddenly changed that I may not be able to give her that kind of love anymore as it has gone on so long now.
    The very least I would like is for a chance to sit down with my wife and at least talk. Talk about why she feels the way she does....what does she want from me...does she still want me. Maybe she can't explain it but at least try. And me to get her to understand that I am not feeling sorry for myself... there is a problem... isn't there?

  • Comment Link GiGi Friday, 30 August 2013 19:20 posted by GiGi

    I have been married 36 years. I'm not sure if it was true love that prompted me to marry initially, or just needing that sense of security. The marriage has been rocky at times, with me leaving him at 2 different times but always going back because that was what everyone else thought I should do. I have basically lived my entire life trying to please everybody but me!!
    He is a good man and a good provider for his family. He doesn't drink or run around....is at home every night.
    The problem here is me. I can truly say that I don't love my husband as a wife should. I don't really even want to be in the same room with him and the thought of him actually touching me makes me nauseous. We haven't slept in the same bed, not even the same room, for months.
    I want to leave and have been contemplating divorce for months now. The only thing that is holding me back is the thoughts of the pain and hurt it will cause everybody else. We have to grown children that have their own lives and both sets of our parents are still living. I really can't see myself in this life for the next 20+ years, but how to I escape with the least amount of hurt and guilty?
    how do I tell this man that I am leaving??

  • Comment Link ME Thursday, 29 August 2013 04:03 posted by ME

    I cannot decide if I should leave my husband or not. We have been together about 6 years, and it began as an amazing, whirlwind love affair. While he has many good qualities, so many things have happened in the relationship that I have a lot of hurt and resentment. I have had to drag this man every step of the way through the normal progressions of a relationship, mainly because his horribly spoiled, manipulative daughter dictates what happens in our relationship...He could not make a commitment to me, because of what she might think. He couldn't marry me because he was afraid what she might think. We can't have children, because she just may not like that...she is 17. She is a horrible spoiled brat, is extrememly demanding with an enormous sense of entitlement, and punishes him by refusing to see or talk to him and having juvenile tantrums if she does not get exactly what she wants. She has never, ever had to follow rules in our home, even though she lived here almost half-time, no one has EVER said "no" to this girl...she has been drinking at home in the open, since she was 13. She has had her belly button pierced since she was 15. Her adult boyfriend has been sleeping at her house since she was 16. My husband has been giving nearly every penny he makes to that family, and was very incensed when I finally demanded that he contribute to ours. He lived with me an entire year, had his laundry done (by me), ate all meals at my home, etc. and never contributed a penny. I finally put an end to that, and he would very begrudgingly give me money toward the bills, very unreliably and unhappily. He continued to give thousands a month to "the other family", and even after a two-year court battle for divorce (oh yeah, he never told me he was still legally married...I had to leave him to find that out), he continued to pay for everything for his daughter (school clothes, luxury vacations, expensive electronics, etc) even though he pays an enormous amount for child & SPOUSAL support (for a woman that has a full-time career and an under-the-table business on the side). The daughter continued to cause trouble in our home, so I finally had an all-out blow-out on the front lawn (after many years of putting up with it) and she no longer comes to my home (Amen). During our relationship, my husband completely neglected me, helped with nothing in the home (even though I worked 2 full-time jobs and a part-time job and paid all or nearly all of the expenses), basically ignored me, withheld sex, was rude, gave me the regular silent treatment, etc. I was so nice to him, catered to him, was an awesome wife, and got nothing in return...he was completely emotionally absent and I was clearly NOT a priority. When his daughter was around, however, I was expected to be the maid, chef, entertainer, planner, comedian, etc., and he would ignore me and treat me horribly, yet as soon as she would come in the room, or if he went to her room, he was ecstatic and happy, laughing, talking, joking, tickling, etc. The relationship was more like (per a counselor I finally went to) she was "the other woman", not the daughter. There was no sexual component, but SHE was like his woman or mistress, treated so wonderfully, doted on, spoiled, etc...I was like to used floor mat. On my COLLEGE GRADUATION night, there was 1 1/2 after the ceremony that we had left to celebrate, go to dinner, etc before we had to start driving to return home (3-hour drive) to return the rental car. He had the option of "changing his daughter's spark plugs" (on a car that ran fine, yet didn't pass emissions, and was already past the date that a late fee would be imposed), or take us to dinner to celebrate my very hard-worked-for Bachelor's degree...he chose the spark plugs, of course. I was so hurt. I was particularly hurt because the daughter said that the title transfer was delayed and there we extra fees that her mom would have to pay because the car did not pass emissions, which she was already being charged (my husband and I, of course, bought the car)...Months later, when the daughter was at my house, she said "Oh, Dad, I brought the paperwork over for you to pay for the title transfer". I couldn't believe it!!! Not only did I get completely dogged on my college graduation night over a set of spark plugs (I know this might sound petty, but it is a cumulative effect of being no priority for many years), but she didn't even transfer the title which is why she insisted the spark plugs be changed (because the title had to be transferred "RIGHT AWAY", which was months before, and she didn't do it), and now we were also getting stuck with the title transfer fees, late fees, and my husband never acknowledged my college graduation! I will never, ever forgive him for that.
    So...I left, never, ever wanted to return, and of course he sobbed, etc. I went back, having nowhere else set up to go to, plus he was leaving for an extended amount of time which would give me some time to decide what I wanted to do. He went to counseling with me (that didn't go well), and then alone, it was determined that he was highly passive-aggressive, and he read some books on the subject matter quite dedicatedly. He slowly relapsed into his old self (which I believe everyone eventually does, because I wholeheartedly do not think change is possible, or if so, only over very extended periods of time with intense circumstances), and then he became wonderful for about 6 weeks or so.
    He has since left on a deployment, and will be gone 6 months total...Since things were so amazing prior to his departure (I think he thinks I could very well be gone when he returns), I decided to think very carefully about what to do. I have panic attacks daily thinking about what it will/may turn out to be like when he returns including his daughter (I stopped the extra spending on her by him, but I don't know how he will handle that long-term, and I am absolutely no longer willing to contribute to her, by us, ever again due to her financial demands, etc that have not been fully explained here), as well as his "behaviors" that I am afraid will return. I do love him, but not as before, and am afraid that I may be missing a prime opportunity to leave while he is gone. I just don't know what to do. He has made enormous strides, it seems, but I just don't trust him in the way that I strongly believe he will not resume his behaviors (making me NOT a priority, yelling and slamming things, sneaking money to his daughter, withholding sex again, withdrawing, etc). I just don't know what to do. He also has anxiety every single time we go anywhere (movies, vacations, etc), yelled at me, slammed the door on the cruise ship so hard it broke something of mine to smitherines, and treated me poorly on our HONEYMOON!!! I, now, cannot get through a day without panic attacks (this is something new for me), and am terrified by it. I am also very depressed, and live in a horrible place because he is stationed here...I am at times, not wanting to continue my life, but have to because I still have a school-aged child at home and love him very much. I don't know what to do. I feel as though my husband has put forth an honest effort to "protect & honor" (his words) our marriage, and to make me a priority...I think he may be just trying to make it seem like I am a priority, but I think that he still dotes (in a very abnormal and weird way) over his daughter...I do not believe there is anything sexually inappropriate in their relationship, but she is the one that rules his life, and he allows it. Because of that, my life has been severely affected. She most recently did not like car that we bought her (she wanted a brand new one at 16, even though my husbands car is 13 years old and falling apart), and because she didn't get a new one (8 weeks after we bought her the first one that she demanded immediately), she won't hardly talk to my husband anymore. Maybe he is realizing that her "love" is extremely "conditional", and that mine has been wholeheartedly unconditional...but I just don't trust that things will stay OK. I have so little to go on, and things were only good for a few weeks prior to his deployment, so who knows what they will be like when he returns. I just don't feel close to him, I don't trust him or his intentions. I don't trust that he can control his behaviors, or keep me a priority. I would like to buy a house, but am terrified to become even more financially intertwined with him. He has been wonderful with my son, for the most part, and has raised him for years, they are very close. But he will make strong demands of my son (constant chores, etc, which I don't mind chores, but what he does is unreasonable, or he makes my son answer me in a very formal way, etc), and his daughter never, ever does anything to help...he will give my son constant orders to do things around the house while his rotten daughter sits there and does nothing...he would never, ever tell her to help, ever. He asked her to set the table once, and make her bed once, and that is all she has ever been asked to do in 5 years at our home. He only did that because I complained, and she made a HUGE deal about it.
    I don't know what to do. Right now things are so incredibly romantic, etc, because he is gone, and again, I think he believes I very well may not be here when he returns, as he keeps mentioning. I don't know if I should cut my losses, and run, or stay and give him a chance and see how his "progress" plays out. I just don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Columba Lisa Smith Monday, 19 August 2013 23:08 posted by Columba Lisa Smith

    Disagree. The above symptoms are reasons for counseling, not divorce. Doesn't commitment mean anything any more? Divorce is great if your spouse is constantly unfaithful or abusive. If you feel trapped or unhappy or whatever, but your husband is present and trying, you don't realize what a blessing you have. I wrote about this just today. Please don't put your kids through a divorce if you can help it!
    Here are my thoughts on it:
    http://www.susannasapron.com/2013/08/should-i-divorce-my-husband.html

  • Comment Link Lynn Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:44 posted by Lynn

    I want to clarify when things were good between is they were great and my hubbys been clean from heroin since 1998.

  • Comment Link Lynn Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:34 posted by Lynn

    I married a man 17 years older than me who I was not initially interested in but after asking me out I agreed and quickly fell hard for him.

    After a few months of dating we got a house together buy he was a recovering heroin addict and soon had relapsed. After getting back on track we married and shortly after he relapsed again, resulting in him going to prison.

    While in prison, the mother of his children and him were going to court because child protective services had taken their kids just a month prior to him going to prison due to the mother being arrested while the kids were with her. Ultimately him being locked up and the mother not complying caused the kids to be taken away, parental rights taken away and the kids are gone.

    When my hubby got out he felt bad but I got some blame for the kid situation because I am the one who reported her to human services because each month he paid child support yet the kids would come to our homeand tell us stories of being homeless, mom doing drugs and it angered me. They were eventually picked up at a homeless shelter and my hubby felt I dhouldnt have done what I did.

    After 8 years together as husband and wife we had our first child together. After giving birth I struggled like most women with intamacy. I stayed home with my baby and went through some postpartum depression. After 4 years we had a sin together. Things were going well and I was blessed to be home with my kids and raise them while my husband supported us.

    Eventually with both kids in school I got a part time job and we were doing well. Going to church, being happy and productive. Then a few years ago my husband lost his job. He's had rheumatoid arthritis sinnve 1998 and it got worse which was affecting his work performance. He went on unemployment while looking for work. During this time and prior to losing his job he was having severe challenges with his health and eventually was diagnosed with hepatitis and fibromyalgia. I was terrified of the hepatitis but in sickness and in health, I remain. Eventually his Dr. had continued to advise him to go on disability as he also has deformation in his hands and feet. So began the long process.

    Since I was working I was able to pay the rent, public service, car note and insurance as well as everything else, but it was hell. Getting up each day cold or hot and now being 100% responsible for supporting my family. I didn't make enough to meet all the monthly expenses so I was stressed most days trying to figure things out on breaks and lunch and he seems like he's just gotten so careless about those things. I'd call him on break and he'd be sleeping or I'd get no answer and I'd get so angry. I felt like everything was up to me. The come home to a messy house, nothing taken out for me to cook (I had to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan) so we would argue about money, housework, work, bills, sex. After my long day he expected to be pleasures as well, keeping me up all hours of the night.

    Finally disability was approved and he got a large sum of back pay which took a huge weight off our backs. Weyook a nice vacation, he got me a car and jewelry and now he's getting his monthly check and I'm home trying to get my business I decided yo do off the ground, which is Multi level marketing, so it requires me to text, email, post on facebook, check my business page so he seems very jealous but fails to realize if I was at a separate location, I'd be doing the same for an employer he just wouldn't see me so it wouldn't bother him.

    We just cam see eye to eye on anything. The big lump sum of money has finally dwindled and we are a bit stressed living month to month on just under $2000 a month. My business is going slow but I've only been at it 2 months, just feel like I can't focus like I want because since I'm home, he expects my time all the time.

    He talks dirty to me constantly which annoys me. Does not take me our/cort me and doesn't care about his appearance. I'm 40 and he is 58 now and we just have nothing but our kids in common. I have needs yet he won't meet them then we end up in huge blowout arguments because he feels deprived of my sex yet I'm more deprived than he can ever imagine. When we do get intimate he has erectile issues due to the medications he's on so he wants to do other things to me that just don't interest me and down right gross me out.

    He always apologizes after a blow up and promises with his heart, tears and all that I'm right and he will start doing things for me to make me happy, then back to the norm, nothin happens. We've gone to counseling and he was given three things to work on. 1. Hug n kiss me with no sexual expectations. 2. Take me out regularly on dates. 3. Have devotion with the family, as we are trying to raise our kids in church. None of these things have happened once and its been a year since counseling.

    Today I feel like I'm married to an old grumpy man who does nothing to keep me. He slleps till moon everyday and is in bed at sunset. He does nothing to attract me to him and I'm not being conceited but I'm attractive and a lot of guys my age and younger give me a lot of compliments, including an ex I ran into a few weeks ago so it bothers me. Here I go out of my way to look "hot" for my mand but I still get nothing. He loves my sex andbegs for it constantly nut I'm not giving in. It's a two way street and he's shown me he thinks its one way so I'm over it.

    I stay cause of the kids and his promises but honestly, after 20 years together I'm so done. Not attracted to him physically, emotimally or any other way. He's just family to me and I hate how healed me feel. He's become insensitive and so cold toward me in the past year or two. He would take me to work when I was working and we would argue to and from the job and he would sometimes drop me off in such emotional turmoil I would have anxiety attacks while there. Started finding myself sharing with others cause it affected my demeanor and people would see me crying. He just angers me and I don't feel anything for him anymore. He's pretty much pushed me away over time.

  • Comment Link Diane Monday, 12 August 2013 06:13 posted by Diane

    I have been married for 12 years and can identify with some many things people have said here.

    5 years ago, when my youngest was 2 and the dust had somewhat settled with all the focus being on raising my children for many years, I realized I didn't love my husband anymore. When we met at our corporate gym in 1997 I had absolutely no interest in him, no physical attraction at all. I saw him as unattractive and a bother. He was extremely persistent and after 3 months I finally agreed to a date, just as friends. After that we became very good friends, he was a great guy, we had things in common and had fun together.

    I don't think I've ever loved him romantically and may well have confused our close friendship with a romantic love. Once we started dating things went quickly, we moved in together for awhile, then got engaged, planned our wedding, and 8 months after our wedding (I was 34 at the time) I was pregnant. We now have two girls, ages 7 and 10. I am almost 47 years old now.

    I've been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years and am just finally going to start a part time job. I've tried for 5 years to love my husband but I can't. The feelings just aren't there anymore. And even though he's lost 35 lbs. and looking great, it doesn't change my feelings.

    I used to be a very independent person but now am so dependent on him. I feel having children changed things and he is a different person than who I met all those years ago. I've lost respect for him and don't like him much anymore. I don't enjoy kissing him and have no desire to be intimate with him.

    I stay because I'm not financially able to leave and more importantly because of my children. Family is so important to me but I feel so lonely and life is too short to feel like this all the time.

    And to make matters worse, 2 years into my discovering how I felt about my husband I began an affair with a friend I've known since high school who has always been crazy about me. We never dated then but were always close friends. We have a strong physical attraction and chemistry I've never experienced. We love each other. I adore him. He's sweet, kind, gentle, and generous. He is divorced and has no children. He also happens to live in the same city I do. This has continued between us for close to 3 years now.

    I've tried therapy to sort out my feelings and what I should do but it didn't help. I've also tried not to see him but that never worked. I can't help how I feel about him. I've never felt so deeply about someone nor so connected. Being with him always feels so right. My heart belongs to him and no matter how much time goes by before we can see each other again, our feelings never change.

    I fully believe my husband is not my life partner and that I am going through life day by day struggling and staying so that my children can have a stable and good life but I am very unhappy.

    I am blessed, have a nice home, haven't worked all these years, have everything I need except a husband that I love. Money can't buy happiness and that is so true.

    I don't know what to do.....it's a daily struggle.

  • Comment Link des Friday, 09 August 2013 22:53 posted by des

    I have been married a little over 6 years and honestly its been nothing but fighting an arguing I can't even remember a time when we don't we always have and when we aren't arguing its one because he is at work or I am at work or sleeping in the other room I have told him I am not happy but he just thinks I have another man I do not have anyone else I am just not happy.
    About two years ago he cheated on me with another woman for almost 6 months till I found out and I left him for a little over 5 months in that time I did not have intercourse with anyone nor did I have the desire I got a job and worried about my kids and bills I had fun with out my husband then the next thing I know I ask for a divorce and oh I love you and want to be with you and I will change for us our kids and you know what we have been together since and nothing as really changed he still down grades me and mentally abuses me no not in front of the kids but he does it for the past three weeks I have been sleeping on the couch and not once has he asked m if I was okay or what was wrong he just comes in eats dinner and goes to bed not a single word, I told him about three or four days ago that I was not in love with him but I love him for our kids and I care about him but I don't think we should be together he said I wasn't going anywhere that he loves me and I just need to stop but I can't keep living like this he just doesn' t get it I can not fight for his love anymore than I already have I gave him my all and now that I am ready to leave I can't I feel stuck should I give it more time or how should I approach this, I also feel like he is cheating on me again I just don't have proof.

  • Comment Link May D Thursday, 08 August 2013 20:56 posted by May D

    Been married for 31 yrs, but for the last 5 years i've been feeling angry and resentment towards my husband, can't stand having sex with him and looking at him. He complains every little things, Is this normal?
    What should I do? I dont know how to be alone and have a different lifstyle. I'm not strong enough to let go.

  • Comment Link Krys Monday, 29 July 2013 00:30 posted by Krys

    Satan is working overtime and suceeding greatly in so many marriages. I have been married 2.5 years and have been miserable for majority of our days together. I found out he was talking online to women online soon after I got pregnant. Craigslist is disgusting! I feel like I have been the only one trying to fix this but I am so sick of it. He never wants sex and he is so selfish. He claims to be a christian but I feel like a woman talked about in 2 Timothy 3. Like I was weak and married a deceiver.Thete is a great program from Dr. Tony Evans out there that explains the role of husbands and wives. It boils doen to men do not know how to be men anymore. I tried to get my husband to listen to it with but he is too defensive and tells me the info is wrong. It is so right and the reason so much divorce is happening today. For anyone interested it is called Kingdom Family and yoy can watch the messages on youtube. There are tons of different ones. If nothing else, it will let you know that you are not crazy even if you have been brought to taking antidepresssants like me. Blessing to all the women out there in similar situations. God is still good no matter what is going on personally.

  • Comment Link erica Thursday, 04 July 2013 05:14 posted by erica

    I've been married for 10 years and he constantly lies to me and steals from work but im not sure if he's cheated yet but if I divorce now I dont think I can make it finacially on my oxown. I really want a divorce. Any suggestions

  • Comment Link Jessie Saturday, 29 June 2013 21:06 posted by Jessie

    Lots of these responses feel like my own. Except, I have been married for 7 years, but our marriage has never even been consummated. We have done some sexual stuff but not actual intercourse. Even that other stuff is few and far between. At this point at the tune of almost 2 years which now is fine with me. The idea of touching him repulses me. Besides lack of sex he refuses to ever talk to me about anything personal or intimate (not just sexual but hopes, dreams, beliefs). I used to talk all the time but have grown tired of not being heard. So I've been silent for almost a year and a half. He barely notices. We live as roommates who share a bed. He won't make decisions and doesn't know how to care for himself. For the most part I'm mommy to him. I am so distraught because I know the repercussions of divorce and I'm a Christian and I feel like everyone will judge me and make me feel like I didn't try. I know I am not perfect but he would never address to me things I could improve on or work on. I feel like a terrible person for leaning towards divorce but I am miserable.

  • Comment Link angelam77 Friday, 21 June 2013 22:33 posted by angelam77

    I have been married for 12 years now. We have 4 children together (10, 7, 4 & 2), so I am very busy. I was a stay-at-home Mom for 10 yrs. My husband always stated he supported me in whatever I'd like to do. However, now that I have recently found a passion for something (fitness) and decided to start to work part-time again- he may say those words- but his actions speak different. We have been in a love-less marriage for I'd say the past 5 years. It is crazy busy with 4 little kids and because of them I am torn as to what to do. No-one has cheated, no-one is abusive; no issues of those sorts - there is just nothing there. I feel stuck/trapped and it feels hopeless. I feel sad for my children & lost. On weekends he takes the older children and does separate things with them- he will no longer do anything that includes myself - if I am taking the kids somewhere - he will exclude himself and make up some excuse to the kids. We are, I guess you could say, separated - living in the same house. I am exhausted and just feel completely done with the marriage. I have constant feelings of anger, resentment, and disgust for my husband - all attraction to him is lost.

  • Comment Link Archangel Michael Friday, 07 June 2013 02:59 posted by Archangel Michael

    No one here realizes that it is actually the devil and his invisible forces that create suffering in family, country, the world and relationships because they feed off human negative emotions. Once you realize it - you stay calm and aware - and the devil will leave as he could not extract negative emotions from you anymore. Fell you heart with Love of God and forgiveness. Be the Love, shine your Light.

  • Comment Link Swagy laggy Wednesday, 05 June 2013 16:59 posted by Swagy laggy

    I got killed by my spouce and I cried for 10 years, now I am a fruit cake and I have over 300,000 dollars in my swag account. still I cant get over how much ashes I have swallowed....

  • Comment Link Lilz Wednesday, 29 May 2013 03:02 posted by Lilz

    I've been married now for three years (no children) and am miserable. My husband became a different man the day we married. I wish I had seen this side of him prior to our marriage.
    He's horrible with money, doesn't help around the house, lies and frequently joins chat rooms where he claims to be single. We've tried marriage counseling and for a short period he's the man I feel in love with. Most days I feel anger towards him and I honestly don't know why I'm still with him.

  • Comment Link amanda stewart Tuesday, 28 May 2013 12:34 posted by amanda stewart

    Having kids makes the decision so difficult, otherwise I'd have gotten rid of him a long time ago. I disagree with "allowing" others to hurt us. Someone does egregious things and how are we as feeling human beings supposed to feel? And with children involved yes you do allow the husband to keep hurting you because you are a feeling caring human being. I feel so trapped with a man who has issues with gluttony, narcissism, is a sociopath and more, but not wanting my childrens' home to broken and have them spend time with him one on one when he has custody. Voice of reason here people.

  • Comment Link Lex Monday, 27 May 2013 02:52 posted by Lex

    Unfortunately, I did this to myself. You know that little plan you have for yourself of getting married to a great guy and building a family together. I did marry an awesome man, but I knew that I wasn't completely attracted to him.
    I had been alone for so long and i did try to push him away but he was so freaking persistent. I had hoped that with time I would fall in love with him because of his personality.
    Like an idiot, its been 3 years now and I here I am in a marriage with a family perfectly blended. My parents love him, his parents love me and his adult children thank me for making him happy. I am the perfect little actress but I cant do this anymore.

    How do you break your best friends heart? I can stay and keep hoping that I will see him and fall in love but so much time has gone by and it hasn't happened.

  • Comment Link Deanna Sunday, 26 May 2013 03:24 posted by Deanna

    The worst part is when you realize you've grown apart and he sees nothing wrong. He doesn't contribute to conversations, or even really listen, he just tunes out. When you talk to him about it, he acts clueless like there's nothing wrong or makes excuses.

    It makes me wonder why I even bother talking to him at all. I'm still in this because I just don't want to deal with the repercussions of divorce. I don't feel like making any effort anymore though. I've been doing that for way too long without any reciprocation. He's just forgotten that anyone else in the world exists but himself. He used to always put his family before his wife. Now he doesn't even care about them anymore. Birthday gifts are from me and I sign his name to the card.

    Not the same guy I married.

  • Comment Link Ashley Saturday, 04 May 2013 00:38 posted by Ashley

    This describes me and how I feel to a T :( but when I actually thing about leaving I get very sad and upset, we have kids together and I love him! All I want to do is hold on to what we have (had) but sooo much about us and him have changed I dont even feel like im with the same man he is that different :( its sooo hard I an like fighting myself on what I should do!

  • Comment Link What next Monday, 29 April 2013 13:19 posted by What next

    Wow... this article describes me.... feels like someone climbed in my head and stole my thoughts. I feel I can't go now that he has changed the behaviour that hurt me, and he's trying to be so nice and loving. Trouble is, it just makes me madder... if it was that easy, then why not do it years ago?

  • Comment Link Robin Wednesday, 24 April 2013 02:45 posted by Robin

    I cant afford to leave my husband but inwant to figure out a way. I am so unhappy withnhim. Ive been staying because we have 3 children. Ive done this for them for years. There has to be a happier place than where I am. Im very grateful to God for my beautiful and healthy children. I know things could be worse but I dont think Ive ever been happy with my husband. Will it always be like this?

  • Comment Link George Tuesday, 23 April 2013 03:05 posted by George

    So many stupid angry women here. Why doesn't someone step up and say it might be you. Or at least half you. Everyone who said get a divorce is perpetuating their own feelings and trying to justify the actions they know are wrong. If you feel too tired to try. Tough cookies. Keep trying. You made a commitment. If he hits you leave, if not figure out a way to make it better.

  • Comment Link guest Tuesday, 23 April 2013 01:29 posted by guest

    When is enough enough i stayed in this verbal abusive relationship for 24 years and my stupid excuse was for the children now my son is 21 years old my daughter 18 and my youngest 12 loosing our house and filing for banckrupcy my dreams were shaterd he could have sold a summer home that we purchesed together after struggling for 2 years i mind you I was able to find a home that was literally distroyed i would say together we fixed it but i managed to do everything what i see is that there is no appretiation let alone respect and communication i have always been the one at falt but these bast few months have done it for me and i promised to my self that i would never allow any harm to my kidds and i have put a poisiones person in there lives my heart broke when my eldest soon made me feel like his father now out of the blue he is deciding to sell the home with out letting me know . will do i have a surprise after he promised the kids my part because i would only waste the money this was the straw that broke my back I was not put on this earth to make anyone happy if i dont allow my self then im done if my kids hate me o well God give me strenght

  • Comment Link  lady m Friday, 19 April 2013 16:04 posted by lady m

    Omg women! Lets go! Why must we waste our precious time fighting these losing battles! Lets leave these men. There is a better life waiting for us our there where we smile and be as free as we want. I just told my boyfriend of 3 yrs to move out n I'm sticking to my guns! I work fill time, pay rent and all the bills including his cell phone that he just sits on fb and Craigslist all day. Craiglist is his way of finding a job by the way so pathetic. He expects me to feed cloth wash and have sex with him. I'm not his mom/woman. I refuse to be used any longer. He doesnt clean while hes on the house all day every day, he waits for me to clean it. Hes disrespectful and I'm kicking his ass out. You all should do it too or move out yourselfs. You may jot be able to afford it bur ask to move on with a sister or friend until your stable again. Its a process that's so worth it! Ask God for guidance :)

  • Comment Link Rachel Friday, 12 April 2013 01:11 posted by Rachel

    I say if you want a divorce then get one. Be smart. There is no shame in getting a divorce. There is a time for everything and there is a time to get a divorce. SAY THANK YOU GOD for everything i have learned from this marriage and ask God to help you plan your transition out of the marriage and ask God to help you OUT of the marriage safely and thankfully.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 April 2013 21:02 posted by Guest

    My husband and I have lived as "housemates" for last almost 2 year. We have 2 kids but live in separate rooms. I have so much resentment built up that I don't want to be with him. He tries to do things around house and to fix it but I just think its too late for me. I shudder when he comes near me, get disgusted with things he says or does. One of our children is a diabetic and has special needs to consider so I had to stop working to take care of her so I can't afford to leave but am so unhappy I don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 April 2013 17:19 posted by Guest

    My husband and I have been married just over a year and I feel like we're headed for separation or divorce!!
    A little back ground: before we were married he had another girl pregnant. I never wanted to be a step-parent or be part of a "mixed family" so I immediately told him we could not get married or stay together. I missed him so much he was the most perfect person in my eyes so shortly after we got back together and got married. Then his son was born. I love the baby to death just like he was my own, but I feel like I resent him (my husband) for putting us in this situation.
    So these are our problems:
    His family does not like me AT ALL! His mother openly says nasty things about me and spreads hatred towards me throughout his family.
    His family calls all the time to check on the baby which is fine but they always offer to buy him things for his mothers house which I feel is inappropriate! We have him 90% of the time and somehow still pay child support to her. I feel as though they (husbands family) should be more concerned with him when he is at our house.
    In addition: my husband came home from deployment in September and in December he was done with his military service(i am still active duty military) his pay took a dramatic cut(half of what he was making) and he began to stay at home all day everyday and wasn't contributing much to anything until march! I constantly had to ask him to do simple things like take out the garbage and I was frustrated that he wasn't making any money and I was supporting us and his child along with doing everything at home i.e cooking cleaning. Durin that time our relationship began to fall. I stopped wanting to have sex with him because he gained almost 50lbs!!!
    We haven't recovered since he started contributing more and I am not attracted to him anymore. I cannot have children and have been going through infertility treatment which I think adds towards the resentment for him having a child by another woman. There are so many thing that have compiled and I don't know how to let them go I've become angry and bitter I talk nasty towards him and never give him love attention or sex. I know I'm wrong I just don't feel the same when we do have sex it's only bc I feel like I have to and I'm never too involved. I don't clean or cook anymore bc I'm just angry he doesn't help and I have back away from helping out too much or being to involved with his son. I know I'm wrong for all of these things but I just dot feel the same. What should I do??

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 04 April 2013 23:04 posted by Guest

    My husband was never all that into sex. I am 41 and we haven't had sex for at least 7 years. Even when we were first married, it was always the same way in the same amount a few minutes, and soon became a chore for him. I think he's gay, but doesn't want to admit it even to himself. We don't sleep in the same room. Haven't for years. I've always made excuses for it. The whole thing makes me feel unattractive and worthless. Like I gave my life to this man and made a mistake I will forever regret. He soesn't like to do anything and the only time I leave the house is for work. I can't afford to leave but think about it everyday for years. I hate being trapped. I feel weak and pathetic.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 18 March 2013 08:24 posted by Guest

    Our anniversary is approaching, but it is nothing I look forward to!

    My husband and I have a love-hate relationship. However is more of a quiet one who keeps to himself when I blow up!

    To our family and friends we are the perfect couple, but behind closed doors it is all bad.

    He bad mouth women with his friens - making disgusting jokes about their private parts, etc. And he is hooked on porn. I hate it and feels it suffocates a relationship.

    So eventially after years of fighting against it and broken trust, I decided that I will watch it with him with the hope that it will help our marriage and that he will stop betraying me.

    Just to find out he registered on a porn sight to receive pictures about women and suggested that I should have a threesome with him... Which just go to show that he only cares about sex!

    I am dissapointed in him! I will never trust him again, especially if I know he will be looking at other women seeing them as objects to have sex with... even if I am over reacting, he suggested a threesome, so I will always think that!

    He doesn't not respect me or my feelings. He has a tendancy to grap my breasts and / or other parts in public when no one is looking, or while we are driving in the car. Which makes me feel like an object and makes me wonder about his humanity towards me!

    He does not support me in anything I want to do... He always reasons that we don't have money or time to do it, or questions my ability!

    I know that divorce is the only option for a relationship where there is no trust or respect, but I am so scared to leave, it will all be so new to me.

    I am scared for our 5 year old son and what my family would think.

    I am scared about my financial future, I don't want to be dependant of anyone!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 17 March 2013 01:18 posted by Guest

    @ Jason. My husband says he's still in love with me and willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. He let thing go for so long that I felt were important enought to bring up, that I feel it may not be able to be fixed. Feeling ignored for a long time, just kinda makes you numb to the love you once felt. I can't speak for your wife. But this is my situation. Ask her if she is willing to do counseling together, or even seperate.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 14 March 2013 07:39 posted by Guest

    What about a man that was so in love whith his wife and still is ive owned to my mistakes and doin my damndest to fix it in any wah i can but the wife dlnt belive me and granted i have made alot of screw ups but she wont let me show her that and this is how i feel she dont understand she is my world and always will be my one and only plz i need help i dont know what to do

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 09 March 2013 06:30 posted by Guest

    The article describes my relationship perfectly. My husband was laid off from his job in 2010. Immediately, I started looking for work, even though I hadn't worked in nearly 8 years to stay home with our children. He was supposed to be applying as well. I found a job, so our roles switched for 2 years. I enjoyed going back to work, but my income wasn't enough for us to live on. In 2 years, he said he couldn't find a job in our area. So, in March of 2012, he went across the state and found a job (if he'd only put in the effort in our own town.)
    So, he moved in April and me and the kids left in June when school was out. We moved to an area where we knew no one. My husband got his friend a job with him, so he knew someone plus he had a job to go to.
    As for me, I feel I gave up so much to keep our family together. Family, friends and a job I really enjoyed. Yes, I resent him. I tried really hard not to.
    We have been married for 13 years. We don't have much of a sex life either. For me, I need intimacy, I need affection. He just needs sex. I don't feel like it.
    I have tried on numerous occassions to talk to him about these issues. He asks like he's listening, but nothing changes.
    I even, last week, wrote everything down so he could read it and we wouldn't fight over it. He talked about a couple issues, but didn't really talk about anything. And still, nothing has changed. He won't even bring it up.
    I am ready to be out of this relationship. I have given all I can and am not getting what I need in return. I feel we are past the point that counseling will help. I just don't know how to say its over.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 05 March 2013 00:36 posted by Guest

    My husband lost his job and sat on the couch for two years while I supported us. Says he was looking for work, but never any calls back. Hum...maybe thats because he was playing on facebook or surfing the web. I went to another state for two months to help my son who was going thru a divorce. While I was gone my husband accepted a job in another state. He told my other son he didn't care what I did, he was moving. My husband told me he was moving and had no choice. Oh, I forgot to mention I went on disability because of my arthritis and fibromyalgia. That only nets me 1k a month. He sends me $400.00 a month to eat. HA! HE told me that it was better that he moved so we could start working on our relationship. What a bunch of BS that was. The calls from him are down to once a month and he has not been home for 3 months now. the communication is less and less. He lies, he is lazy and, well, I am tired of not having anyone around and his words fell on deaf ears. He knows I cannot file for divorce because I don't have the money. I am lonely and hurt and feel betrayed. But, he knows I need the $400.00 to eat on. I feel trapped and I don't even know him anymore. I am trying to decide what to do. He said he is really happy where he is and that our relationship is better. I disagree, I want to move on so the pain will stop. I feel in limbo right now. Oh, did I mention I have been married to this man for 6 years and the last 5 years there has been NO intimacy at all. He said he just doesn't feel like it. Counseling is out, according to him. There is NO communication. Any suggestions? I am 63 years old and want to enjoy my 3rd act in life.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 01 March 2013 16:49 posted by Guest

    This isn't exclusive to wives. Frankly, most husbands are just not getting their needs met by marriage, either. In my case, as the husband, I've made significant sacrifices in my career, sex, day to day lifestyle, and social life to be with my wife. She's made sacrifices, as well. However, the difference is that she's happy in the marriage, it's giving her something that she needs and makes her feel fulfilled. I am getting no such thing; instead, I've been stifling one drive or desire after another until there's nothing left to keep me going except complete codependence, which is a very bleak existence compared to when I was single and totally in charge of my own life.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 26 February 2013 07:33 posted by Guest

    It is very lonely. Thank you for listening.: It is very lonely. I analyze when things changed all the time. When I look back I see that I was usually the initiator and I think that was my way of trying to be the "good wife". I didn't want to be the stereotypical woman who just did it to do it or had a headache when he came home. Eventually he just started turning his head to me. He was the one with the headache or was tired. I was feeling majorly rejected. I asked myself, is he gay. I honestly have no idea. I know he does not like women in general, his relationship with his mother is sad at best. He is always putting women down behind there backs. Like if we have a cute waitress, he would say something about something about her...ALWAYS. Women are never good enough. I guess I was good enough to bear and raise his children but that is about it. I don't know when he would have time for an outside relationship, honestly. If he is not at work his is generally home or at the gym. I am not so naive to think that I am not naive. I am the last one in the room to know that someone is not who I thought they were. I just think he is a sad soul who can not connect with women on an intimate level. I took me 15 years to realize there is nothing I can do to change him. Now it is just how do I take the next step.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 26 February 2013 07:13 posted by Guest

    It is good to hear support: It is good to hear support from a guy because I don't know if this is normal man stuff. I am guessing no but your comments assure me that this is not normal.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 February 2013 16:48 posted by Guest

    Sorry is it even a real word?: I have been married for 4 years, been together for 6. You know what? I am tired! I am tired of the drinking, I am tired of the name-calling and I am tired of the word SORRY! I am no saint, but when a man has been putting you through the same cycle your entire relationship of 3 good months and then a horrific event (and when I say horrific, I mean spitting in your face screaming at the top of his lungs, pushing and sometimes hitting you all because the whiskey is talking) how can you keep a marriage together???
    I have had enough today is February 25th, 2013. I am broke, I have no family in the United States, but I have hope and a need for self-preservation.
    I am 25 years old today, and I don't want to be thirty tomorrow and still be going throught the same cycle. The cycle has to be broken at some point or another. I don't want to be another divorce statistic, but sometimes you have to take stand for yourself and your self respect.
    I am scared, but I will make it. I am driven and I am angry as hell. I have been contemplating this day for 6 years, and yes that's how long we've been together, but I have fallen for this man's apologies more times than anyone person is dumb enough to. I've been so deathly scared to make it on my own, I have stayed in this abusive relationship for comfort.
    If you are in the same boat, just do it, it's ok to be scared...you are a stronger, better person for taking a stand for yourself!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 February 2013 16:44 posted by Guest

    Sorry is it even a real word?: I have been married for 4 years, been together for 6. You know what? I am tired! I am tired of the drinking, I am tired of the name-calling and I am tired of the word SORRY! I am no saint, but when a man has been putting you through the same cycle your entire relationship of 3 good months and then a horrific event (and when I say horrific, I mean spitting in your face screaming at the top of his lungs, pushing and sometimes hitting you all because the whiskey is talking) how can you keep a marriage together???
    I have had enough today is February 25th, 2013. I am broke, I have no family in the United States, but I have hope and a need for self-preservation.
    I am 25 years old today, and I don't want to be 30 tomorrow and still be going throught the same cycle. The cycle has to be broken at some point or another. I don't want to be another divorce statistic, but sometimes you have to take stand for yourself and your self respect.
    I am scared, but I will make it. I am driven and I am angry as hell. I have been contemplating this day for 6 years, and yes that's how long we've been together, but I have fallen for this man's apologies more times than anyone person is dumb enough to. I've been so deathly scared to make it on my own, I have stayed in this abusive relationship for comfort.
    If you are in the same boat, just do it, it's ok to be scared...you are a stronger, better person for taking a stand for yourself!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 February 2013 09:53 posted by Guest

    Desparate for Respect, Love, Companionship, etc.: All our stories are alike. Inside every woman is the desire to be respected, connected, loved and we feel that a man is capable of doing it, "IF ONLY HE TRIED!" We are designed that way not to be FULFILLED BY A MAN, But by God. I finished my second marriage last year. I loved my last husband so much, but I couldn't accept being last. I felt last in everything. Last after his friends; last after our daughter, last after movies, last after sports and on and on.....I thought when the shit hit the fan he would be there. I found myself alone in the hospital while he sat home with Netflix and Facebook. Our desires are meant to be met only by God, most men are incapable and not emotionally available. The odds are better if he loves God himself. I should have lived my life learning to love our Heavenly Father. We are designed with those needs because he leads us to Him and He is the only one who can satisfy.

    I would go through the pain a thousand times to be the woman that I am today. Whatever your situation--you may be desparate for a change or feeling deparate for something to happen. I ask that you stop. Get away by yourself--somehow. Everything you have been feeling, give to God. Seek his word and He will answer.

    I am currently connected with DivorceCare.com. Sign up for the daily emails. Read them. Even though you want deparately to end the chaos, this is the pain you will be experiencing. I write this to you because I love and care about what happens to you all. The pain is excruciating....but God has a plan for you. Your trial right now is to bring you to Him on your hands and knees. We think we can do it on our own, but only He can bring fulfilllment and peace. God Bless you all. Remember, I have been exactly where you all have been....

    Recommend reading: Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs by Cindi McMenamin

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 February 2013 22:42 posted by Guest

    about what to do: I got married in 2008 and now my husband is out of india and now i came to know that he is having affair with my neighbor since she approaches my friend and she is telling everything about my husband and her relation which was from last 4-5 yrs. so she sending every mail to my friend which was sent by my husband to her. and she and my husband having phone calls regularly but i sometimes gets a call from him.
    so now my friend sending me evry mail to me so that i will aware about my husband's planning. Now my husband is coming after 1 yr to take me with him but he has a plan about me which he didn't tell me that he wants to pregnant me so that after 5-6 month we will come back and he will send me at my home town at my sister's place so they will get long time to enjoy the relation .I can do everything to talk with him but problem is that he wrote in mail to her that if His wife means I will come to Know about his relation he quickly will do suicide so i am speechless i cant do anything what to do I am frustrated and whenever I got a call from him on phone i donot talk kindly so he is also not understand what is the matter. plz, help me as early as possible.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 February 2013 19:02 posted by Guest

    What can I do?: My husband & I have been married for 22 years. We've had our ups & downs, but, overall, had a good marriage. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, & Sjogren's Syndrome, around 5 years ago. It dramatically changed our relationship. I take high level narcotics for the pain, & chemo once a week. All of the mucous membranes in my body are dry, & I have lost all desire for sex. If I try to have intercourse, it causes pain & bleeding. My gyno has prescribed estrogens for the dryness, but, we haven't found the right one yet. She wants me to try testosterone, to hopefully improve my desire. We have a 21 year old daughter, who works & goes to college. My husband is gainfully employed, but, lately, hates his job. His stress level seems to be through the roof, & he is usually in a foul mood. Everything seems to annoy him. He says that there's nothing between us anymore, since we're not having sex. He's also not happy, that I've gained weight from taking prednisone. He says that everything in his life disappoints him, & he's used to being disappointed, because, nowadays, that's how life is. I don't agree. I wake up each day with a good attitude, & the hopes that my health will improve. I still try to run my household, & walk my German Shepherd, although things are much more difficult for me. Some days, I can't open a door, or tie my shoes. The pressure of my illness is overwhelming, & trying to make my husband happy, has become exhausting. I don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 February 2013 08:47 posted by Guest

    wondering: Hi, im not sure if you can understand my language.. I am asian..
    My problims about my Husband.. He doesn't want to make love making, keep saying tired & taking medecine. Every time w e been in bed at night, we just kissing after that he turn around and sleep.. I feel so bad, & silent crying untill i will sleep.. But he ws nice, kind heart, responsible, refectable.. Everyday he did hug & kissing me before he leaf.. We leave together 7 years, now over a years we don't have sex.. Please give me some idea what i need to do... Thank you,& waiting your advice...

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 February 2013 08:24 posted by Guest

    You are totally right, there: You are totally right, there are two sides to a story. Because of all the things that has occurred in this marriage, I have resulted to calling names and trying to leave every time we argue. That's the only wrong I have contributed to this marriage. I feel that some days I have the best husband ever and other days I feel like I'm living with a devil. We do need professional guidance but will it really help after all that has happened thus far? I don't want a divorce but I am so unhappy with how things are with us.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 February 2013 03:54 posted by Guest

    Re: Family against family: Enough is enough. That last story about your daughter was really, really tough to read. I myself am concerned for her safety! Leave him while you and your kids are still fine because some things can't be taken back. First and foremost you have to think of the well being of your kids and yourself. This guy clearly thinks that a simple apology and empty promise for the future can allow him to get away with mistreating you and allowing for the mistreatment of your kids. Allowing a kid to be labeled the things you described? What on earth?!?!

    Divorce this guy because you can't change his way of thinking. There is a pattern to his actions and I don't even want to think about the next part of your story should you decide to stick it out with him. You are a military Officer. You are smart and have a proven track record of being able to stand on your own. It may be hard at first, but think about how much better your life (and your kids' lives) will be.

    I wish you only the best for your future (especially with your remission). Good luck!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 23 February 2013 23:12 posted by Guest

    family against family: Hello-----wake up, you have belittled yourself long enough. Now your daughter is involved to the maximum. Stay with him and I just know she"ll marry someone jus like him, and before that her journey will include her looking for some positive results from anywhere, anyone, anyhow. so if you dont do it for yourself (which you should since your a fabulous person) do it for your daughter ASAP. they almost killed her next time they might be successful. Your thinking on this whole subject is jaded and completely unrealistic. Their should be no question? I dont care if your hubby gave you a million dollars and literally kissed your feet, its a temporary fix to blind you again cause he saw you using your head again. He doesnt like when you use your brain... Trust me this is coming from experience of a sad outcome you cant fix when all said and done.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 23 February 2013 12:34 posted by Guest

    Your hubby: First I want to say you are a wonderful and courages woman. All that you been thru and still hung in there. Well there is always two sides to a story I am on your side. Your husband has some mental issues N he needs to get help. Marriage is sacred and should have no room for that kind of mess. I want to say I don't believe in breaking up breaking up marriage but you have gave so many chances and he still really did not hear you. I am praying for you and your kids and him also. You sound like a super nice person and my prayers are with you. I pray that cancer casted into the sea of forgetfulness. God hears and feels your pain and I almost feel like do as well from your story. I don't know you but it sound like your heart is gold. Stay strong for your kids and yourself. My marriage also is a mess and it hurts me some much. I have taken care of my family and for 15 years I was happy until my wife had an affair. I meant my step son when he was 2 and now he is 16. My wife try's to make me look bad to him. My life has spun out of control and I am trying be strong and pray. Your story encourages me to be stronger and just because I did not just give up was not in vain. Ps love your story.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 February 2013 21:45 posted by Guest

    family against family I want out: This sounds really awful but we can only see one side. Being in a blended family can be hard because you are dealing with humans and everyone has a different personality. It takes hard work and the need for respect from each person and the children see the parents. The top needs to work at communication and respecting each other. Family meeting need to come into play so the problems can be worked out. parents and children need to have a re pore and so does the husband and wife. It sounds like this was a I'm better than you and my children are too. If there is going to be a reconciliation there would have to be some changes made and some boundaries set. I would get a councilor involved to help with guidance. Before you get a divorce think on if you are in love or not this has to be annualized. And in a blended family with baggage there should be some on going professional guidance

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 February 2013 03:46 posted by Guest

    Family against family.....I want out!!!!!!: I've been married for 5 years to a man who makes good money, cooks, clean, and iron clothes. We have a blended family of 5 children (3 his and 2 mine) but no kids together. Before marriage, I was a single parent for 6 years and did very well taking care of my two. Had a house, SUV, excellent credit and a Masters Degree. We are both Officers in the military. I met my husband while deployed oversees and he was the sweetest man I had ever known. So kind hearted and giving. It was like a dream come true. We spent 6 months together oversees with no kids AND THEN came home. We live 80 miles apart but saw each other every weekend. He met my kids and I met his kids. He immediately, (within a week) started critizing me for the way I discipline my kids. I told him that the things they were doing didn't bother me. He started making comments like "my kids would never act like that." I slightly entertained it at that time but really didn't make a big deal about it. Then he start telling me that the man is in charge and makes the final decisions in the home. I didn't know where this was coming from at first because we were still just getting to know one another. He then took it up a notch and start telling me he was the leader and I was to follow him and that we could never be equal because it was not in God's design. He even started telling my son (17 at the time) dont ever apologize to a women because you will always find yourself doing so. He told me that no woman in this world deserves to be put on a pedistal. I asked him did he hate women and he said no but no woman could teach him anything. We constantly argued back and forth for months about everything until I couldn't take it anymore. Right when I was about to break it off, I was diagnose with cancer. He came to my aid and help me make some hard decisions for treatment. Because of that I started thinking I had a good man on my side and I didn't want to lose him. We got married, bought a house and my long journey begun! While going through surgery, chemo, and radiation, my husband was very cruel to me. He raised his voice at me and was very inconsidered. Despite me begging him to stay, He left to go oversees again after my fourth treatment instead of staying with me for the duration. I was left with complete strangers to take me back and forth to the hospital. He called me everyday to check on me and told me that I should be happy because he's with me in spirit....REALLY???? I had to find my own lawn guy, my own house keeper, and I ate food that people from the support group brought me to eat. On my good days, i would get out the house for fresh air. He would get upset because I would make a decision without talking to him first.....REALLY???? Fast forwarding.....my treatments ended and he return from deployment and apologized to me for all the bad things he had done to me. He told me his last month or so over there, he realized he treated me bad and that he would spend a lifetime making it up to me. I believed him! Things were great again until summer time came and all the kids were with us visiting. His daughter (then 11) started bullying my daughter (then 8) and his response was my daughter need to get tougher skin and stop being a snitch! He allowed his daughter and eventually all three of his kids to call my daughter names like Bitch and Snitch until she cried and his defense was your daughter cry over everything. When my son got mad and said something to his sons (then 15 and 16) my husband responded with if you do something to them then you gonna have to face me. So the entire family is going at it, him and his kids against me and my kids. It was a horrible summer and again, I wanted to leave him because this is not what I call a loving marriage and family. His kids built up resentment against me and my kids. my kids built up resentment against him and his kids and him and i have built up resentment agaisnt each other. We started going to counseling to see if we could fix things and we both learned a lot about blended families that we didn't realize before. Again, things started going great until my son and my husband got into a fist fight and my husband kicked my son out the house. I supported my husband at the time because my son had turnned 20 and was being lazy and disrespectful. Then summer time came again and his kids came to visit. All the rules of the house stops when they come over. No chores. Loud music. Name calling. And a lot of horse play. This time, instead of all 3 of his kids against my daughter, it was his daughter, her cousin, and her God Sister. They were all the same age and had known each other since babies. My husband brought them to our house for the summer so that is daughter would have some friends to hang out with. Those three girls locked my daughter out of her own room and when she came and told me, his daughter said she didn't have anything to do with it. Of course my husband believed her. He was quick to blame the other girls and come to the defense of his daughter. So then this is where the table really turned. All four of the girls went swimming and my daughter came back crying saying that they held her under the water and she couldnt breathe. My husband ran down and asked the girls what happened. they all blamed it on each other and then they said they were just playing. My husband looked at me and my crying daughter and said, "they said they were just playing" I was pissed! In closing, I asked for a divorce and he said we can work this out. I'm not sure if i want to have him and his kids in my life. My husband has issues but he totally blames me for the reason my kids don't like him or his kids.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 February 2013 23:52 posted by Guest

    How do i tell him: Will be married 30 yrs in a few months. Never had children. He always held a physical job & after many surgeries has been unable to work for the last 10 yrs. Has never been approved for disability though. I've left him twice in our marriage but always feel guilty & came back. I'm to the point now that I hate coming home from work to him. I hate being with him period. I actually have stomach problems on wkends when home with him. He has always been very possessive & I allowed it to keep the peace. I can't even go to dinner with co-workers when one retired in fear of his verbal wrath. I went out of town w/a girl friend last year for a wkend & he told me that if he had a job he would leave me over this. I have never had an affair and never looked to have one. He's also been faithful (because he never left my side except to go work). He's being treated for chronic pain, severe depression & anxiety. He sometimes verbally (never physically) abuses me so bad that Ive told him if he was my neighbor I would called the police. He sometimes will say things like he knows I don't love him and that I'm done with him. I have met with atty. I want out! My problem...afraid to tell him in fear of him committing suicide or murder (me) then suicide. Although in my heart of hearts I don't think he'd hurt me but I do think he would be high risk for suicide. He takes alot of pain med and is on anti-depressant. How do I tell him without sending him over the edge? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 February 2013 22:18 posted by Guest

    Husband won't stick up for us: Well I cannot stand that my husband allows his brother & the brothers girlfriend to not acknowledge me (us) or the fact that we are married. The brother & girlfriend clearly go out of their way to invite him but not me the spouce yet my husband will not confront the issue.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 19 February 2013 08:40 posted by Guest

    financial infidelity: Been married 26 years with 2 wonderful girls 16 and 20. My husband was my world! Seven years ago I found thousands of dollars hidden in our duct work by my husband. Now one would be happy to have extra money to help with bills. I on the other hand did not react in a joyful manner. You see, prior to finding the hidden money, I was very ill for 2 years and struggled going to work everyday. Thank God for I have wonderful parents who would drive me to all my doctor appointments and also to work. Our children were younger at the time, and both of us needed to work to help with all our expenses. Because at the time the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, many people thought it was in my head, including my husband. Eventually I was diagnosed with Crohns disease. When I found the money, all I could think of was how I had to go to work sick when in realilty my husband had thousands of dollars he could have used to help us through this difficult time. He could have been my hero. We went to counseling but that didn't work well. Now seven years later I still catch him lying about many little things and I caught him sending multiple text messages and phone calls to a former coworker. He insisted they are just friends. I guess the bottom line is I no longer trust him. I am so hurt by all of this and always believed till death do us part. I am not sure I will ever regain his trust again. I am now to the point where I can't even stand the smell of him. How do you go from this back to a loving relationship?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 19 February 2013 08:35 posted by Guest

    financial infidelity: Been married 26 years with 2 wonderful girls 16 and 20. My husband was my world! Seven years ago I found thousands of dollars hidden in our duct work by my husband. Now one would be happy to have extra money to help with bills. I on the other hand did not react in a joyful manner. You see, prior to finding the hidden money, I was very ill for 2 years and struggled going to work everyday. Thank God for I have wonderful parents who would drive me to all my doctor appointments and also to work. Our children were younger at the time, and both of us needed to work to help with all our expenses. Because at the time the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, many people thought it was in my head, including my husband. Eventually I was diagnosed with Crohns disease. When I found the money, all I could think of was how I had to go to work sick when in realilty my husband had thousands of dollars he could have used to help us through this difficult time. He could have been my hero. We went to counseling but that didn't work well. Now seven years later I still catch him lying about many little things and I caught him sending multiple text messages and phone calls to a former coworker. He insisted they are just friends. I guess the bottom line is I no longer trust him. I am so hurt by all of this and always believed till death do us part. I am not sure I will ever regain his trust again. I am now to the point where I can't even stand the smell of him. How do you go from this back to a loving relationship?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 19 February 2013 00:47 posted by Guest

    Married, unhappy, guilt: I was dating two men 7 years ago, decided I would get serious with one. The other one was kind, reliable, hard working, funny, good looking, extremely intelligent, and very successful. He doted on me, built my confidence up, adored me, and made love to me any chance he could get. Treated me with respect, talked to me, conversed, deep conversations. he saw the world from a different lens. He was passionate, romantic, and a perfect gentleman, loved to travel, enjoy new foods, taste wines.. He worked out, dressed appropriately and with style on every occassion. He was like a James Bond without all the sleeping around, in fact i cant watch a james bond movie without crying, lol.He couldn't keep his hands off me. I felt he was unattainable, I didn't deserve him, why me I thought. Even though he wanted me, begged me, but when I feined interest more than once, that was it. Said he wasn't second to anyone. He said something to me that has haunted me ever after, regret is the one thing you can't erase, it haunts you like a cloud your entire life and that it can fill a life with sorrow, a hole, large or small will exist no matter what., If i wanted him, i had a year to contact him, otherwise I would never speak or hear from him again. He said its lovers or nothing, we can't be friends.

    I chose a project instead, I guess because I thought he would need me more than the other one. He worked in a bar where i met him, became an EMT, had a college degree but didnt do anything with it. He plays in a band, and that says it all. We have been married for 5 years, known each other for 7. Our honeymoon had no passion, he barely makes love to me, treats me like a child, hugs me when I have a bad day and that's it, no talking. We have separate checking accounts, separate lives really with his shift work and mine. I live in a smaller town now than I grew up in, we are house poor, he wt have kids because it will screw up his weekend band thing. He has his bros over almost every weekend, I'm now 33 and spend my weekend nights at clubs, and bars while he plays.

    I tried to contact my old boyfriend 14 months after we broke up. Zero. He was gone. He blocked my phone, he blocked any incoming email, he erased me from his life. He doesn't do Facebook or any social media, he is invisible. I was devastated, the regret was overwhelming and still is.

    Fast forward, my current husband loves me in his way, I want to leave, I want to find my dream man again, but I feel to guilty to leave. We have no kids, just us. Every day after I broke up with the old boyfriend, I wanted to reach out to him, tell him I was sorry, ask for him back, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt to guilty to leave this other man that had fallen in love with me. Then time passed, and here I am. I have done individual counseling, and marriage counseling. Nothing changed. I have boy in a mans body with potential, and now he is 40. I'm locked in a life I thought I wanted in my 20's, and the realization that I will probably ly just accept this unhappiness. I dont want to hurt my husband, he is a good man, with a good heart.

    I wish I had the guts to be a good person, and let my husband find someone that truly loves him for what he is, rather than me resenting it. I'm a coward, with regret, the worst combination.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 18 February 2013 22:35 posted by Guest

    It's time: I understand everything, and I mean everything you are going thru. Your story is my story. I am going on 25 years of marriage. I won't tell you to leave or to stay but what I will say is don't wait years like I did to leave. I am finally leaving in June after our oldest graduates from school and the family is aware of it. Don't and I repeat don't sit by and watch your life drift away it will get harder to leave then. I promise. You need to dig deep down into your heart and soul feel and do what is right for you and you only. Keep in mind that this is your life and yours only and you only have this one so DO NOT waste it. Children DO survive it a divorce is handled correctly. You will not if you stay and remain unhappy. I will keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong because you have no other choice but to stay strong.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 17 February 2013 17:57 posted by Guest

    Wondering: I was wondering the same thing. If not gay maybe he might be with someone else?
    how was he with you before the marriage? When did it change? I am sorru that you are going through this. It must be lonely

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 16 February 2013 22:43 posted by Guest

    Oh dear, I am so sorry for: Oh dear, I am so sorry for your troubles. Being that your husband is bipolar, you need to seek treatment for him. Go to social services in your county and they can help you out with other resources. Unfortunately, it can be chaotic living with and relying on someone who has bipolar disorder so I would advise for you to resume working (if possible) and make sure YOU are the one in charge of money. You support your family while he gets better... that has to be the deal between both of you. When he's properly treating his disorder with doctors visits and medication, then he can start to become a more consistent and stable provider. Good luck, I really wish you all well.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 11 February 2013 20:06 posted by Guest

    I am sorry for your pain. I: I am sorry for your pain. I think you already know what you need to do, but could he possibly be gay? He isn't too old to not be wanting to be intimate. Good luck.

    -a guy BTW

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 11 February 2013 14:55 posted by Guest

    . : I am sorry to hear that.... I hope things get better. You sound like a sweet person.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 09 February 2013 18:45 posted by Guest

    I think it is time...why can't we do this nicely?: I have been married for 12 years to someone 14 years my senior and have 3 kids. We both have comfortable jobs. I would say my life is perfect outside of my marriage. I love my friends, my colleagues and love my children more than life itself. They are beautiful, funny, and amazing kids. If it wasn't for them I would have been gone a long time ago.No one knows I am considering leaving him besides my mom and my best friend. People look at our family and think it must be perfect. We look like a perfect family. My husband is incredibly intelligent, very handsome and a good dad. He has refused to make love to me but 2 times in 8 years. I am 37 years old and have had sex once in my thirties. I am a very athletic woman who is very healthy. I exercise daily thinking maybe if I look better he will want me more (or at all). I have dressed in lingerie, taken a shower and climbed in bed with him and nothing. The last sexual encounter was on Oct. 13, 2007, amazingly we conceived a child that night. It had been 5 years prior to that that we had sex so she is truly my miracle child. I complain but then I give up. I don't want to guilt anyone into making love to me and I don't want to be the nagging wife. I want him to want me. When I complain, it is always, if you were nicer to me or if you weren't so miserable all the time. I would say that my friends (duh :) and the people I work with would describe me as always happy and very kind.I feel like we are roommates, splitting bills haggling petty things. He likes to work out so I try to get him to do things to work out together, thinking maybe we could get closer. Not interested. I have been begging him to go play basketball (I played in college) with me once a week and he kept telling me that he was too out of shape to do sprints. I asked him to go for a hike with the kids and I and he says his leg is sore. I ask why. He says he went to play basketball and hurt it. My heart fell to the floor. It was just another indication he has no interest in making me happy or a desire to do anything with me. I don't hate him and I don't want to get to that point. He sort of disgusts me when he tells me he loves me or kisses me in front of other people like we are this happy couple. I am scared for my children and financially. He has told me he will make my life hell if I leave him. The only thing that could destroy me is if he uses my kids against me. I don't mind living without, I just worry about my kids. The more I write about my worries the more I know it is the right thing to do, leave. I just wish we could go our separate ways without blame and still be kind to each other, for the kids sake.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 09 February 2013 01:39 posted by Guest

    Ask him if he is attracted to: Ask him if he is attracted to men. Sounds like you have a great friendship but this also sounds like he's gay. I've had a gay friend who had these issues and didn't know how to express them without hurting the mother of his children or hurting his children also. I hope you can work this out, of all the people here you seem to truly have a God relationship but with the adsense of sex that has gotta hurt. I wish the best for you and your family.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 08 February 2013 10:09 posted by Guest

    HELP: I have been married 101/2 years and have two wonderful children. I am so lost and I cant figure out what to do. First off my husband is a wonderful dad and works hard for his family. He loves me so much. On the other hand he is very financially irresponsible. He spends all of the money on driving around or pills or cigarettes. The kids and I go without because he spends they money. I did work but I quit because he also spent my paycheck and I was tired of that. I have expressed to him numerous times about this issue. He always says he will fix it but that still has not happened. It is so overwhelming that I want out but I cant do it. I dont want my kids from a divorced home, I am scared that he would harm himself or become a full blown addict. He is also bipolar. When he gets down, he is down. I know he would never harm me or the kids, but I fear he would harm himself. His family is amazing and I have talked to his mom about this issue numerous times. She wants him to wake up too. Our relationship from the start has been rocky. We fought alot with each other about his bad decisions, bad group of friends, and choices. It always is said I will stop, and it does not happen. I love him so much, but I am not "in" love. I have been talking to another guy. I feel like an idiot. I have rejected going out with him many times but I contemplate it alot. This guy is younger then me, but we clicked immediately. Something I dont think I did with my husband ever. I just dont know anymore. I dont want to hurt my husband or my kids or the families of both of us. But I am not happy. I care about other people so much that I stay in this relationship. I have expressed my concern to my husband so many times, but it goes unheard. I have prayed asked his mom for advise, but I dont have any answers. I AM SO LOST! Fear of the unknown is horrible. Is it fair to live a life like this? Are these feelings for this other man just because my marriage is not good? I dont want to hurt anyone, but if I give into this temptation It will happen. I even quit talking to this other man and 6 months later it started again....

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 06 February 2013 09:59 posted by Guest

    theres more to that: I'm sorry but that is a bs reason for divorce. My husband tells me I'm a terrible wife all the time because I don't have sex often enough. 1st of all I work 60 hrs a weeks- he works 20. 2nd I drive him myself and our two small children around due to him not having a license. Sometime I'm in the car for 2 to 3 hour ontop of my 10-14 hr shifts. Every trip, doc apt grocery run is all up to me. 3rd i take care of the kids and house work in the little time im at home. I come home at 7pm no dinner for me or kids , house a mess , kids usually fighting and my dear old hubby sitting on the couch half asleep. I put them to bed and there he stands...waiting for se x! I dont think so. He says sex is the problem in our marriage too. I think u should reevaluate why theres no sex. Theres a reason. In my case why waste my time shagging an asshole who apparently only makes time for his needs.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 06 February 2013 08:50 posted by Guest

    help: I met my husband in may 2010, i got pregnant in July 2010, married in August 2011, and had my son March 2011. fast! My best friend introduced us. I thought she meant well. She new he was a cheater, and a herione drug user. Flip my life up. He cheated on me with the same woman over and over again. Told her all my problems. The last straw was I allowed him to take our son for a ride to the store summer of 2012. He was gone 2 hrs too long. We were at his mom house on a sunday to eat a nice sunday dinner. He left in my truck with my son for a ride. To make this story short. I caught him over this lady house with my son and my vehicle. He keeps saying he's sorry he's going to change. He's been out of the house for 9 months no change. I cant forgive him I/m one form to give the judge for our divorce.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 05 February 2013 03:20 posted by Guest

    I feel the same way: I am going through the same thing I have been married for a year but I have been with him for 5 years. I knew I wasnt ready to be married but due to certain circumstances we had to rush and get married. He also has a short temper and says mean things when hes mad and later apologizes for being mean alot of the time I feel like I am walking on egg shells with him. I have told him several times that I am not happy in this relationship and he says I promise I am going to change and that he doesnt want to lose me. So I have given him chances thinking its gonna change and I also try to stay positive. But it keeps going back to the same thing that I am not happy and have not been happy in this relationship for awhile now. So I am ready to separate also. There just comes a point that you are sick of the other person taking advantage of you and is not really trying to make you happy. I know its a hard thing to do because I am on the same boat with you but if this situation is not making you happy and theres more pain than happiness than its time to call it a quits. I feel ultimately we know deep in our hearts what we need to do but just dont want to face the truth. I hope this helped.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 04 February 2013 21:23 posted by Guest

    so what eventually happened?: so what eventually happened?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 03 February 2013 22:35 posted by Guest

    Have you done anything to her: Have you done anything to her that would make her feel resentment? if not, I would consider separation and see if she misses you. Sometimes a little time away from eachother helps. Its not pleasant to be with someone who shows zero interest in you. from a womans perspective, I have resentment towards my husband, but because of the reasons you state are present in your wife. I think you still have feeling for her, and if your worth it to her, she should attempt to change her ways in a positive manner.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 03 February 2013 22:23 posted by Guest

    I just have to say that I: I just have to say that I disagree. I am in a virtually sexless marriage and it is torture. I feel fortunate that there are no aspects of abuse, but no passion can destroy a relationship. I constantly feel unwanted, ugly and undesirable. It's not a pleasant feeling.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 01 February 2013 17:45 posted by Guest

    fear of being unwanted: I so felt that too. I feared being unwanted, because I was in a marriage where I was unwanted. I Love my son and didn't want him to feel unwanted. And because of my religious beliefs . I searched and searched for proof of his cheating. Then one day I just decided to depend on the lord. I gave my ex some hoops to jump thru...let's just say I got every excuse in the list. You know 1)pity him, 2)he's angry 3) make me fear 4)I made some one sad...all that blah! But hoops should be jumped for me. Now don't think I am some kind of self centered girl, never been called that, cuz I know I am a door mat. But we door mats need to have our 'master' jump sometimes. Well he didn't and I left. Bought a very small very MINE, house for my 1yr old and me. Thanks to the lord. Found out my ex was doing all sorts of girls, men and he was naked on porn showing himself to the world. Hind sight is 20-20. Now it wasn't as easy as it sounds. I cried for a year over him. And then i cried for 2 more cuz my son will never have a family with both original parents under one roof. I can't give my son the fairy tale family. My fairy tale was destroyed and I miss that. But not my ex, not even a bit. You know he smelled bad ..a lot!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 31 January 2013 15:55 posted by Guest

    Grass Not Always Greener On The Other Side.: I would do anything to be in your shoes. A sexless marriage is way much better than an abusive one like mine. Nothing compares to companionship, not even sex.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 31 January 2013 04:41 posted by Guest

    Time to move on? : My wife and I have been married for 6 years now, two adorable boys that I love to death. Recently things have been in a free fall. I love my wife very much, try to express that to her as often as can, but she is just completely disengaged. Through the course of our marriage, had our share of arguments, said hurtful things to one another in those arguments and though I am the type to always forget and move on, she never lets me forget. She has built so much resentment towards me that it she is incapable of connecting with me. I have always been faithful, taken care of the household chores, taking care of the kids, I cook and clean, make her breakfast, try to always keep her as a priority. My friends and relatives always express how dutiful of a husband I am, but my wife never seems to notice and frequently only point at the negative. She expresses how there is no excitement coming home because of the kids and the constant work of being a parent. She very rarely engages with me in conversation, never ask how my day was, how my family is doing etc. I am the type of person that likes to make people happy even at the expense of myself, but at the same time have a high sense of self confidence that I know I deserve better. We been going to counseling to try to have her let go of her resentment, but she nevers committed and does not seem to want to let go. I am 34, in sales, probably make more money than surgeons, physically as fit as when I was 20.... There is nothing more I want than a happy family. I enjoy spending time with the kids constantly, just want a happy family with a wife that can mutually love me and be content with what we have.... I know things won't get better because we always have responsibilities of being parents, I enjoy it tremendously, she does not.... Should I just move on while I am still young and find someone more like me? Content to be just a parent, content in just knowing your spouse loves you as much as you love her?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 31 January 2013 03:44 posted by Guest

    Sorry to hear contemplating: Sorry to hear contemplating about divorce as well .... It's the fear of making the first move that wrecks me which sounds like the same problem you have. I can't offer any words of advice as I am in the same boat but I can't imagine life like this indefinitely either. Everyone deser ex a chance to be happy, life is too short not to enjoy it

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 January 2013 22:48 posted by Guest

    how it affects your kids.: Please take this step in your life very seriously, the divorce rates are so high today it's unbelievable. I'm sixteen and i witnessed my parents marriage crumble, my father cheated on my mother multiple times and my mother basically stopped trying with the marriage and started just feeling bad for herself, introversion. She also bought a cat... A marriage is a bond between two* people and yes it's hard, but hey it wouldn't be interesting if it was easy. I defiantly understand relationships that need to end due to domestic abuse, gambling, drinking, ect. though, if the reason your considering divorce is because of one fight, please, please consider getting marital help or sitting down and talking it over or even a vacation from each other. especially if you have kids, most parents really don't see or think of how it will affect your kids, it hurts us badly leaving us broken and more likely for depression and other psychological disorders. My father is living with his overbearing girlfriend and her monstrously terribly behaved daughter. I want to spend time with him, but I cannot take his "family". Being with my mom isn't much better. She's heartbroken and has really taken it out on herself and her health, she has turned to drinking and smoking to ease her pain. She's hurting it's hard for me to be around. my father comes over a lot and has helped us to redesign our house, there is still obviously a connection between them because why would he help her? and why won't she move on? I suppose it's too late now to fix the relationship, but if only they had worked together instead of expecting the other to be the leader, maybe their lives, and mine, would've been happier. I'm going off to college in a year and I cannot wait to move as far as possible away from here. I fear for my future relationships, and as of now do not plan on getting married for fear of repeating the past. I'm just asking please consider your children and what you are loosing n your life and if you can mend the wounds before you make this big decision. thank you for reading.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 January 2013 16:23 posted by Guest

    been a long time coming: So I have been married to my husband for almost 14 years and from the beginning I knew I wasn't marrying him for the right reasons. The major issue back then was his depression and manic-depressive behaviors. He is very caring and a very good provider. We have never really "clicked". He has always had a drinking problem and major anxiety which I believe is why he drinks/smokes. He finally has gotten a handle on the drinking and is always trying to change certain behaviors I find troubling for me, not for himself. He is at his core not a happy person but really tries. We have two kids 7 and 11 and he is a great father and together we are good parents. We have no intimate relationship at all. I have a hard time talking to him. He has always wanted to be more intimate but due to my resentment towards him over the years, I have no desire to be with him. I am pretty social and need to interact with other people where as he is uncomfortable and never seems to have a good time. I am 40 and feel like I cannot possibly live the rest of my life so unhappy. I always tell him I want out and want a divorce but then I always feel like I'm ruining everyone's life. He freaks out and I always end up feeling like it's not worth the battle. We have tried counseling however the reasons I want out never seem to get fixed for too long. He starts telling me everything I want to hear and will not listen to me. I feel that indicators of future behavior are past behaviors. I am just having a hard time feeling guilty for hurting him but we both deserve a partner that loves unconditionally. Trying to stay strong and make the break. I know I will be happier without him and our kids deserve to be in a happy environment and not with parents that show no affection for eachother and do not love each other. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. If you've been there or if you think i'm totally unreasonable and selfish I'd love to hear your thoughts.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 January 2013 11:26 posted by Guest

    Reply: Everything is still the same. I am so incredibly confused. Each of your answers are so heartbreaking......at the same time, it feels comforting to know I am not alone.
    Yes, I've asked my husband if he's gay....he always says no. I finally believe him. I think he's extremely insecure about sex. I also think he's Asexual....just doesn't have the desire. The insecurity keeps him from even trying. I too feel alone. Scared and uncertain.
    Just when I thought I had the strength to take time to figure this out, my "cousin" backed off. I was making plans to go see him next weekend and I stopped hearing from him for a few days. That scared me. I know it's not cool to have feelings for a married woman. I was trying to think of everyone's feelings and wanted to make some sort of clear decision. Then he backed off....I can feel the distance. So here I am worried about the way everyone is feeling and feel like my feelings aren't on the forefront for anyone. Maybe it's just that I've felt rejected for so long, that I panic when I feel it again. I want to give the cousin time, but in the same token.....I have to take in to account that everyone's life goes on hold while we wait. This weekend I planned on talking to him and reaching a resolution.....one way or the other. Either I was going to let him go and just face my life....to deal with that and may e in time find my way back to him, if that's what's meant to be......or take some time to be with him and see if leaving is really the best solution.
    In the meantime, my husband and I agreed to all of this, but then bam the cousin is getting cold feet. I can't blame him, after all he has no idea I am even thinking these things.
    As for the woman who feels alone....thank you for writing. You are not alone. As you can see, we are going through similar issues. You know in your heart what you want to do, it's just finding the strength. I think after leaving, you'd feel some relief and you'll find yourself again.
    For the woman who filed for divorce and now changed it to a legal separation.....you are doing the right thing. He'll never change. But through the separation, you'll come to the conclusion on whether you love him enough to stay anyways. It will give you time. I'll bet that once you get into that new apartment, you'll feel free.....less burdened and will have the time you so desperately need to think clearly. If you stay and not move out, he'll always find the right things to say....to give you hope. Then it will be harder to start the process over again. Be good to yourself....you've already done the hard part. If you don't follow through, then that will all be for nothing. Starting that process over will be twice as difficult the next time. Time to take a leap of faith and have time to think. You can even move out, without a legal anything, but only you know how trust worthy be in that situation.
    I know I can give the advice....I am a strong girl. I don't want to grow old alone. So confused.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 27 January 2013 21:56 posted by Guest

    If you are not giving your: If you are not giving your husband sex he thinks you do not love him. That's just how we are wired. If he doesn't feel loved he won't include you in ANYTHING. I'm filing divorce for the same reason, no affection from my wife.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 27 January 2013 12:32 posted by Guest

    I am in your shoes 100%... I: I am in your shoes 100%... I get lied to about every little thing... in and out of counseling... together 10 years with 2 kids... and I am so scared of divorce. I feel like you just wrote about my life!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 27 January 2013 09:48 posted by Guest

    Advice please: There are many similarities in your dilemma and mine...I love my husband of 22 years very dearly, we get along great, still enjoy travelling and going out together but there is no intimacy. He never tells me I look nice, we haven't kissed for over 4 years or had sex. We sleep together in the same bed and cuddle once in a while. It is just so sad. We try and talk about it but cannot get to what happened between us and how we lost our intimacy. It is just too painful and sad for us to talk and he acknowledges that.He won't go to counseling. I am going to start going next week with the intent of trying to find the courage to leave. I am very confused to. We have such great memories and built our lives together it makes it so hard to leave but at the same time I feel that every day that goes by, a piece of me is dying becasue I miss feeling loved. I know he loves me in that deep committed sense but we are more like great roomates. I have secured an apartment a couple of weeks ago ready for that next step but I just can't seem to make the move. I keep saying to him I'll stay another week, a few more days. I do not have friends in the place we live at all and am going crazy for any type of company to just get out and validate that I can have a social life. People in my work are all married or have their own lives and are older (I am in a very conservative suburban area). I do not have anyone to talk to ( my parents are deceased, I have no siblings, my best friend lives abroad and we email). I am just so very sad, confused and distraught, I break down and have anxiety attacks when I am alone and have a constant headache due to the stress. This is just the hardest thing I have ever had to face and I am in so much pain. He knows that if I leave, this is forever. He has asked I give it some more time but it's been like this for the last 5 years (I did separate for 3 years as I had a job offer in another state which I took thinking this would be our opportunity to have a break and work on things). During that time when we saw each other at weekends about once a month, I thought absence would make the heart grow fonder and it would be like dating again, and he would start to see interest in me in a physical way but it didn't happen). I never thought I could feel so much heartache and pain - the idea of divorcing is worse than mourning the death of loved ones because in death, you know the loved one is not coming back, in this situation, you know the loved one is still present. I don't know where I am going to get the strength from but something has to change soon as I know I cannot keep going on like this. I wish everyone going through such difficult times to have the courage to follow your heart even though I myself at this time do not have courage.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 26 January 2013 19:58 posted by Guest

    crossroads: Can't trust him with our money or with daily issues. Lies if he thinks I will be unhappy with something. Put us into major debt on multiple occasions that our parents had to bail us out of and never explained where all the money went. Makes choices when with his friends that I don't agree with and has put me in the middle to be the bad guy. Doesn't give me attention unless I ask, doesn't "value me" unless I ask. Married 10 years in August, 3 kids, 10,7,3. I feel dead to him. We've been in counseling and he's been trying but still keeps making choices that are not ok. ex. Didn't pay mortgage for two months and told me he did. I love him. I care about him. But I can't do this anymore. On the other hand i am terrified of divorce. Scared to be a single mom. Alone. When I think of hurting him it kills me. When I think of all the emotional turmoil for me and how I am going to prevent my kids from feeling the effects...I am scared I don't know how I will do it. Has anyone been there? I keep doubting myself. Am I crazy. Will he really change this time? Etc. I know he loves me. But at the same time I also think he doesn't truly respect me. And I think he is irresponsible. I am so tired of feeling so stuck in the mud. Want to end this drama but can't.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 26 January 2013 04:03 posted by Guest

    courage: I've been married for 15 years and i have 3 kids. I've gotten to the point where i can't stand my husband. We both work but he keeps all my money. I don't even know how much he makes. We always argue because he says i have a spending money. We fight cause i spend $3 for lunch or i buy the kids a candy or give them lunch money. He was very upset when i opened up my own bank account. He judges everything i do. I love to paint and when i buy a canvas we argue but when someone buys the painting and sees money coming in he says I'm a good painter. But he gives himself credit saying he thought me. He's never painted in his life. Sometimes i work 12 hour shifts n I'm tiredand i want to rest but he won't let me do that. He wants me to go to the store n buy groceries then make dinner and clean. I can't ever nap. But when he gets home from work he gets 6 hours to himself and rests. He says he makes more money and he's the king and that my job isn't hard. None of my friends go over ti visit me anymore and if they invite me anywhere he gets upset. He rather cook and keep me at home. If i do go to dinner with friends from work he calls me so many times. He always yells at the kids and makes them serve him ice cream and coke and bring him socks. He even has my daughter vacuum up his hair when he cuts his hair. He keeps track of everything i spend which isn't a Lot. Besides its my money. He looks at me with hatred but he says he loves me and that I'm never gonna leave him. He says I'm funny cause he made me funny. I can't stand him and i want out. But he thinks he's so perfect and that i need counseling. I feel so dumb for being bind this long. I thought he was perfect. What do i do???

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 25 January 2013 23:58 posted by Guest

    Married for 10+ years and it's all in the pits: I married my wife about 10 years ago. We have 2 kids now; 4 and 8. She doesn't seem to have any affection for me anymore. No desires. No positive feelings or positive emotions for me. Plenty of negative feelings and negative emotions towards me. Both of us have 9-5 jobs and fairly stable jobs with stable incomes -- so the job stress is not there. I haven't been happy for a very long time. I have just given up trying or trying to make it work. I have given up trying to be romantic or trying to make advances or trying anything anymore. I can't figure out what to do. Is this what the beginning of divorce looks like? I have always been faithful to her. Should I just start chasing other women now? Should I file for divorce and move on? At this point I am only with her because of the kids. If it wasn't for the kids I would have left. But I don't want them to grow up without their dad and I think they love me very much and I love them. Should I suck it up and continue to live like this until both of them are adults and moved out? And then start looking for a new wife when I am in my 60's?!

    I met my wife when I was in my early 20's and she was 18. We married about 10 years later. I don't think it was ever true love right from the beginning. I always felt like I had this little thing nibbling in the back of my head that I really didn't think I loved her completely so why I am marring her? At the time I thought, well maybe that's all just normal and you grow up and accept who you are with and what you have. But how long do I continue to live this way? Hell, at this point I dont even know how I would be able to becoe single anymore. I have completely lost my ability to be charming to talk to people. The only thing I do is go running to get away from the house and the proximity of my wife.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 25 January 2013 23:27 posted by Guest

    Married for 10+ years and it's all in the pits: I married my wife about 10 years ago. We have 2 kids now; 4 and 8. She doesn't seem to have any affection for me anymore. No desires. No positive feelings or positive emotions for me. Plenty of negative feelings and negative emotions towards me. Both of us have 9-5 jobs and fairly stable jobs with stable incomes -- so the job stress is not there. I haven't been happy for a very long time. I have just given up trying or trying to make it work. I have given up trying to be romantic or trying to make advances or trying anything anymore. I can't figure out what to do. Is this what the beginning of divorce looks like? I have always been faithful to her. Should I just start chasing other women now? Should I file for divorce and move on? At this point I am only with her because of the kids. If it wasn't for the kids I would have left. But I don't want them to grow up without their dad and I think they love me very much and I love them. Should I suck it up and continue to live like this until both of them are adults and moved out? And then start looking for a new wife when I am in my 60's?!

    I met my wife when I was in my early 20's and she was 18. We married about 10 years later. I don't think it was ever true love right from the beginning. I always felt like I had this little thing nibbling in the back of my head that I really didn't think I loved her completely so why I am marring her? At the time I thought, well maybe that's all just normal and you grow up and accept who you are with and what you have. But how long do I continue to live this way? Hell, at this point I dont even know how I would be able to becoe single anymore. I have completely lost my ability to be charming to talk to people. The only thing I do is go running to get away from the house and the proximity of my wife.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 25 January 2013 02:46 posted by Guest

    Advise Please: I have the exact same story as yours , I mean EXACTLY! Except I've been married 23 years. Even your honeymoon, the ovulating thing, oh my god, everything (except for the cousin thing) My husband and I simply don't have sex, but he tells me I look "hot", he kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me.
    I filed for divorce 3 months ago. Nothing has gotten his attention until now. Now, he thinks that I can let go of all of he hurt and we should start, (hah!) being intimate. So, the divorce papers have been sitting there unsigned. He does these nice things, which makes me question myself daily.He asked me to give a marriage counselor a try. I was bawling in the Marriage Counselors office, he didn't know what to do. He had been mentally abusing me for years. I didn't say anything that he hadn't heard before in our counseling session, but it was SO nice to have a professional there. Having her there validated my feelings, it was a huge relief. I didn't feel like a crazy person anymore.

    Today, I went back to my lawyer and had her change the petition to a legal separation. It seems like it is the only way I will actually go through with this. I have been so painfully ambivalent because my husbands SEEMS like such a nice guy.The legal separation is pretty much exactly the same as a divorce, division of assets, child custody, etc. If I get the guts to change it to a divorce, everything will already be in order. The additional cost of the refiling is worth it to me, because otherwise, I may go on like this forever.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 25 January 2013 01:15 posted by Guest

    I am tired of trying in my marriage: I have been married for 6 years and I am just tired. I want a divorce. My husband says he will change but his change seems only temporary. When he gets mad he is so disrespectful. He calls me names and brings up that the women he cheated with are better than me. Then when he cools down he wants to say sorry and that he said everything out of anger.But when is it enough? I feel like I have been trying so hard to stay positive and try to forgive him for the way he actswactswhen he is angry. But I feel like it is never enough. How many sorry's should a women go through before she is respected. I feel like I cannot argue or share how I feel because he gets so angry. He says hurtful stuff and intimidates me. And if I am mad when he is over the argument he wants me to be over it too. And if I am not he will get mad that I am still upset. It sucks because he messed up my credit and I want a divorce but I do not know how to start. He has the money, job, and credit to move. I know I got to be strong but I just need advice or a push that I am right about getting a divorce. Your help is appreciated. Thank you

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 24 January 2013 21:16 posted by Guest

    Love Hurts: You deserve better. It may not come tomorrow or the next day, but you need to cut the ties now. Work on you; work on your kids. A good man will love you for that. You deserve a faithful spouse. we all do.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 24 January 2013 20:35 posted by Guest

    sad and tired: My husband and I have been together almost 30 years. Yes I love him yes he is s great father but he and I no longer have anything in common and zero passion. He and I both have pretty secure jobs and our kids are in college. We haven't slept in the same bed for years. He comes home hits the couch and that's it. He has outside interests that he goes off on on the weekends boy scouts and his job is demanding. Now that the kids are gone is is so apparent. We are moreike roommates than spouses. I sit here day after day he comes home usualy after 9 pm on adverage. When we have the opportunity to go to things together he is usually already commited to something else. I can not leave it takes both our salaries to make ends meet. We have talked about how unhappy I am and he says he will try but I think.it is just the norm now. My kids will freak if we divorce. Our credit will be ruined. But am I supposed to live the rest of my life with a roommate? I am miserable but have no clue how to fix it. Is it better to live with a friend for the rest of my life or get out now? Will.I.be making a huge mistake or wonder why I waited?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 24 January 2013 12:03 posted by Guest

    Sorry to hear you are going: Sorry to hear you are going through this. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person except for the intimacy issue. However, it is my belief that intimacy is the only true thing we can give/share to our partners that we are not supposed to share with anyone else so that's a pretty big issue to be unhappy with.

    I don't mean to be rude in asking but have you considered that your husband might be gay? I've known a couple gay men who, from the outside, look like successful, happily married heterosexual men but have no desire to be intimate with their wives (obviously) besides for procreation purposes. Have you discussed this as a potential issue?

    Another possibility is that he is suffering from some medical (even allergy!) disorder which is giving him a low libido. If you rule out the possibility that he is gay, he might consider going in to get full blood panels and allergy testing. I've heard that celiac disease (allergy to wheat) for example, can cause some CRAZY reactions in people such as infertility, etc. Something to consider...

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 24 January 2013 09:49 posted by Guest

    Get Out While the Gittin's Good: Like Kenny Rogers said in his famous song "The Gambler", "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run." Enough is enough. Bad marriages all reach a point of no return, and there's not much reason to continue to try and hold them together. Doing it for the children isn't a valid reason any longer, because experts know that children exposed to that negative environment in the home aren't any better off than those whose parents have split. When the kids start crying every time their father comes into the room and fighting when they're expected to go home with him, you can know that there's no point in saving that relationship. Cut your losses. Being divorced can be difficult and place financial constraints on you that you haven't had to live with before, but your overall peace of mind will be a huge positive that will counteract all the negatives and make you wonder why you stuck it out as long as you did.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 23 January 2013 22:14 posted by Guest

    Of course, nobody is perfect: Of course, nobody is perfect and it is always likely a situation where both parties are bringing issues but you, as a human, deserve to be respected. It's not right that she calls you names. It seems that she is taking her misery out on you....we hurt the ones we love the most, right? However, she likely bears the weight of knowing that her miserable job helps your family so she probably feels caught between a rock and a hard place herself. Ultimately, you both need to feel known/heard. She should be able to have a non-disrespectful conversation with you regarding the burdens she bears (eg, hates job, misses kids), etc. and you should be able to have a conversation with her about your difficulties/hurts. The fact that she includes your children in the mix (by telling them how much she hates work) makes me fearful for them. There is something called a Narcissistic Parent where they elevate a child to adult status by telling them things kids shouldn't know. I'm not saying you should be dishonest with your children but what good can come of them hearing the things their Mom is saying? they are powerless to change her situation. So, she needs to take ownership of that more.

    She also seems to run hot/cold with whether to continue your relationship. Troubling that she relies so heavily on her family to allow her feelings to be swayed. Perhaps you could try to have a conversation regarding why she wants to stay in the marriage and whether things can change. Sorry for your difficult situation!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 23 January 2013 21:34 posted by Guest

    I understand what you are: I understand what you are going through. I too grew up around mental illness and I think it plays a very large part in why we pick spouses with simlilar mental illnesses. As adults, we are aways trying to correct our childhood relationships. I am 39 and have 3 kids. I stopped working (thanks to my parents not husband) and have enjoyed my time raising my kids. I pushed all the bs with my husband aside and distracted myself in my kids lives. He too is very imature. Plays video games until 4:00am:/ Other than going to work and bringing home a paycheck, he is completely useless. He works 2nd shift and dosen't see the kids till the weekend at which time he's busy on his 14 hour stretch internet game. Now that my youngest is almost 3 and I'm starting to think about getting a life again I can't help but ask myself this one question. "Can I see myself with this guy, without kids to distract, for the next 50 years of what time is left on this planet?". Guess what the anwser is? You got it...NO! So at this point I bide my time and work on putting myself in a good position. As much as it pains to go back to work, my previous question pains me far more. So here's my plan, get myself in a good position and try to encourage him to move on. With any luck he'll come home one day and tell me he met someone else...isn't that terrible! It would make things so dam easy. "Yes dear, I understand you should be happy in life". It would be like winning the lottery!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 23 January 2013 04:38 posted by Guest

    After 27 years of marriage: After 27 years of marriage and 5 children I feel, quite often, that I just want to be by myself. I imagine the glorious possibilities. I have not been employed since 1986 when our first child was born. Sometimes I think I could just get a job and move back home and take care of my elderly father but that would mean my youngest child would have to relocate to a new school and I would never put my needs before my children.

    I loved my husband so fiercely that my heart would pitter patter whenever I would see him after 20something years. Now, because of the accumulation of what I categorize as betrayal, I have lost some of that loving feeling. I, still to this day, ask him to please take a day off of work and spend it with me. Just ain't gunna happen. He looks at it as though it is being wasted just hanging out with me at home.

    I know, I know, I should just occupy my days with manicures, pedicures, shopping/lunches with friends. The thing is that he has financially ruined us. We are broke due to his decisions and I am too frugal to blow money when there are so many bills to be paid. I cook (and a fantastic one at that) clean, and garden, and I love it!

    His financial decisions are abysmal, in my opinion. He is such a hard worker, but it is all for not in the end if life passes you by. He is stubborn and will not take advice from me.

    He has never had an affair, but has hurt me in so many other ways. Drugs and drinking use to be an issue many years ago. I even caught him doing drugs on one delightful Christmas night with a female family member that had stabbed me in the back before and he knew this. My feelings were most of the time secondary to his families feelings. He had stood me up on family gatherings and would ignore me for days or weeks on end for something I said or did. When our kids were little i thought I must be the crazy one. He would do or say something and then say he didn't. These are just a few examples. Although he has changed immensely from that person and has reformed for the most part, it still hurts.

    There once was a beautiful home with a beautiful wife and beautiful children who at one time couldn't wait for him to come home even if if he seemed grumpy. There still stands the beautiful home and beautiful wife and beautiful children (some now grown and living their lives). But where once lived unconditional love now lives a bit of contempt, frustration, and indifference. How sad. They say feelings follow actions so I will continue to love this man and hope for the best.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 23 January 2013 03:12 posted by Guest

    Ditto: Ditto

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 22 January 2013 22:05 posted by Guest

    Advice Please: I've been married for 14 years. Very quiet marriage. We get along very well. We don't fight and we talk through most things. Things were odd, from the get go. Before marriage, he said he wanted to wait for sex, out of respect. I made advances and he always gave in....and it was good. We got married and then nothing. No sex on the honeymoon....no kissing....nada. We had a great time though, so I just didn't give it much attention. Then after three months, Of feeling uncertain.....I cried and talked to him. I am very open, honest and understanding. He said he wasn't sure why, but he wanted to be with me very much. That has been our marriage cycle for 14 years.
    It's important to note that he is an amazing father. We have three daughters....all were planned....."I am ovulating, let's do this". Nothing passionate....more of an act to make our children. For the times we have had sex, it's usually after I've begged or pleaded to understand why our relationship is the way it is. He'd feel bad, tell me he adores me and then try to have sex with me. It was typically awkward....no getting lost in the moment...no trying to give me an orgasm...like he was always very insecure.
    Later years...the same thing.....sometimes losing his erection. I'd start to feel resentment. I started to feel ugly....more like disgusting. Through the years, I've learned that is not true...and he probably doesn't feel that way....infect I am sure he doesn't look at me in a negative light.
    He finally went to the Dr....at my request...after a few years of asking. Everything was normal. 7 years ago I threatened to leave and he got counseling...then quit when I came back.
    We haven't slept in the same bed for years. He hasn't kissed me in at least 6 or more years.
    As crazy as this sounds....we get along great....he takes care of me....I have a spinal cord injury, I can walk and no one can tell I have it, to look at me...but, the days when I am in pain, tired or anything, he is right there for me....very nurturing. We can lay in bed, watching a movie and he'll play with my hair for hours. He's a caregiver, devoted father and a good hearted man. We are equally caring for the children. He cooks, cleans and supports all of us with his kindness. He doesn't make much money, but he's hard working.
    Last year, I saw a family friend. I've known him my whole life...like cousins....but something changed. I've had a crush on him since the day I was born...practically. Virtually starving for attention....I asked my husband for a separation. We talked about it....I told him how I was feeling, why I was feeling it and he understood. He said he can't blame me for wanting a man to look at me that way. Again he said he wanted to change to keep me....
    That was a year ago. He hasn't tried anything...no counselling...nothing. It's like he thinks itmwillmall magically disappear. Again, we continually talk openly and honestly, but nothing changes.

    As for the cousin..I still see him. He thinks I am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. I care deeply now...but, will not leave over that. I feel much more confident about myself. But, I am at the point where I realize this isn't the way to fix this. It helped me, through time, to realize that things can be different. I've been completely honest the entire time. Although no one knows, about our separation, except us and my cousin. I've told my sister, some girlfriends and my brother. My parents adore my husband, so I haven't gone there. I didn't want anyone else hurt, while we figure this out.

    But, I feel the time has come to make a break....from my cousin.....I don't want to leave my marriage because of him. I also realize that he makes it easier to hang on to my marriage, than to just make decisions.

    So my question is this.....do you stay and give up having sex.....but lead a good life? Or risk all the good for hopes of finding someone that can offer both? After reading all these stories, I wonder if that's possible. As for the cousin, I'd rather give that a chance, for a clean relationship, once my head is clear and my marriage is over. We all deserve that. Everything I've written, my husband knows and understands. He doesn't like it....he just knows that I've tried for years and years and now I am just trying to figure this out. I can't say that we had a passion to return to, or to make our way back to. In retrospect, it wasn't there. It was me not even understanding that a man could not be interested in sex.

    So confused.....don't want to live sexless, don't want to be alone, don't want to hurt anyone....want to be sure to not hurt our children, we are both very committed to that.

    Thanks for listening

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 21 January 2013 18:56 posted by Guest

    I'm stuck and there's no way out! It feels like bad horror movie: Married 27 years. Husband disabled, not in a wheelchair disabled, but bad enough not to work. EVERY point on the list feels like I wrote it. Grown daughter and hubby out of work and living with us, college son living with us, grown son out on his own. I am so miserable. I can't afford counseling, not that I want marriage counseling! I just want counseling for me. What do people like me do?? I feel like if I saw me in a movie I still wouldn't know what to tell me. My college son wants me to go back to college, but I don't have time. I feel like I'm waiting to be rescued. Isn't that silly?? My husband is the most annoying person on the planet. I can't even expand on that because I feed nauseous just talking about him. Is this what I do? Live out the rest of my life feeling lucky that at least I have a home and wonderful children who love me 100%? I'm at my wits end. I always thought that I'd leave after the kids were grown, having been thinking that since my oldest was 6 weeks old and his true colors started to come out. Now I don't know what to think.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 21 January 2013 09:33 posted by Guest

    Thank you, there of course: Thank you, there of course has been more added to this story since the other day. He took a hand full of sleeping pills and currently is in the pych ward. He seems to think he has changed. Personally I believe he wants to get better but thats not going to change my feelings toward him. I think that now would be a good time to talk to my lawyer :/. Thank you for all of your advice it has helped make my decision so much easier for me.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 21 January 2013 02:34 posted by Guest

    Acceptance and Regret(Husband's Predicament) : From reading this the first time and having raw emotions pour out I can safely say I can relate to a lot of the things on here from myside as well as my wife's. we've been though we've been together for 4 years now, I can safely say that I neglect her basic need for attention. We never really started off on the right foot. I met her on new years and she was moving back to her country. I ended up closing my startup and moved there with her to continue our relationship. Sounds romantic? It was.


    She is beautiful, intellectual, and dynamic and had a real penchant for going out and enjoying life. I just getting out of a 5 year relationship was looking for exactly that. But, was trying to still be friends with my ex, non-sexual. We mutually agreed to break-up as we just grew apart. We had gone through a lot and she(my ex) had some emotional issues and I didn't want to hurt her. I attempted to be friends with her, even while dating my now wife. 6 mos into dating my now-wife found out and it really blew up in my face, rightfully so. I apologized and cut off any relationship with my ex. but it definitely created a trust issue for her early on and had persisted throughout our marriage.


    We came back to the US since I had a better chance at job security and legal paperwork. I started to cut friends out from my life who she would feel that there would not be a trust issue. This mainly cut out all my female friends and a male friends, limiting my exposure to only people she felt comfortable with. At first I minded but I started to think from her position and wanted us to be happy together. I gave her full access to my computer, email and phone - I didn't have anything to hide. Though when you're lazy to clean out messages that could be misinterpreted definitely caught me a few times and caused a lot of grief.


    As time passed, she would bring up our past when interrogating me about females that I was friends with. She would routinely drink when she got upset. It allowed her coup with her feelings, but it also enraged her more. At first, I just took it and put my head down and attempted to apologize for past mistakes. But she wouldn't relent. But then a calm would hit and things would be back to normal. She always enjoyed a drink or two and we went out a lot. But as she would drink I would be scared to go home because I knew she was going to get emotional and just pour everything at me - good or bad. When it was bad I'd get awful name calling and a few times she would hit me. One time I reacted and tried to kick her out of the apt. That's when it was really bad. I had never gotten that worked up before. I knew then we should have separated, but it had only been about a year and a half and I thought time would heal our problems. For a little while it did.


    Unfortunately, the early battles left emotional scars between us and I recognized that though we loved each other throughly, her trust issue never could heal. I started to associate her drinking with a fight and started to resent her. Little fights were blown out of proportion. I'm not blameless, I'm not all that romantic and my humor is pretty sarcastic, which to her was borderline hurtful. My approach to an apology is more of and I'm sorry I won't do it again. Than a grovel on my knees and get read the riot act. On top of that me and thoughtfulness don't really coexist. Though I do care when gently pushed. I've gotten better, flowers and a few love notes here and there, but recently they have been more negative reflection notes of our relationship or journal entries that illustrate regrets from the fight before.


    Now, I realize I've really complicated our relationship by hiding my attempted friendship with my ex. It's caused her hurt and pain, but I thought she would have by now moved on. But there are moments when they popup from her caused by something I'd say or some action on FB to make her think I was interested in another person. I know I'm wrong and have attempted to justify my actions in the heat of the fight. I regret a lot of things, but think she'd be better off without me. She's on course for a great job that would help her reach her dreams, but in another country. We just moved to Europe to be closer to her family and if she takes this job we'd have to be long distance for quite some time. On top of that I really don't want to move to the country her job is in.


    I love her and i think she still loves me, but all the fights and separations has worn thin between us. I'm going through regret for suggesting that she leave, but when I look at it - it only makes sense. She'd be able to chase her career dream without me and my insecurities holding her back. She'd be even closer to her family and friends. She'd have no problem finding another person who could fullfil her needs, or at least would start a relationship with trust in tact. At first, I was wondering if could get advise, but the more I read this I'm realizing that we need to separate/divorce. No matter how amazing our love is and how outwardly "compatible" we were. Inside we were broken early on and never found the right glue to fix things. Perhaps my question to the group would be how do deal with regret or loss when you feel/know you've caused the downfall of your relationship.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 19 January 2013 23:08 posted by Guest

    sorry to hear: have you tried counseling? Women like to express their feelings and what can seem like negativity to you can be just venting. I would give it another go for the sake of your kids. Although insulting your spouse in any manner is unacceptable.She shouldn't degrade you because of your choice
    . It sounds like she's jealous. I also assume she feels trapped in that job because of income. Come i up with a plan that involves both of you and her finding a new job.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 19 January 2013 21:52 posted by Guest

    Run: Run

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 19 January 2013 21:35 posted by Guest

    Trying to help: Hello Friend,
    I read your story and I understand how your husband might be upset that the police was called by your friend. If police were called for anything someone would get upset; however, he frightened children and your friends. I understand why they were called and stand behind you. I would be very fearful with a man who stabs himself PERIOD. You both have children and their needs must come first. He tried getting you in trouble...that would have been years in jail for you. What scares me most is what if he loses his temper with you. This is a form of abuse on you!!! on your family...on all those around. He did not get the help he needed in a week. You need to think this long and hard and deep inside you know that you love him and because of that you might not want to leave 100% but you do know that you can't stay with this either. Don't stay in something that could possibly physically hurt you or maybe kill you! I am soooo sorry that you and your children have to go through this!

    Tiff

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 19 January 2013 15:23 posted by Guest

    Calling it quits: Me and my wife have been married 6 years. We have 2 small children. Due to my schedule I am with the kids more and am a good dad. She makes a lot more money than me at a job she hates. She can't stand it that I like what I do for a living. She blames me for everything that makes her unhappy. All she talks about is negative things at work. She tells the kids she hates work and wishes she could stay with them. I told her to quit and stay home with the kids and I would get a second job. I just didn't want to hear her complain about there not being enough money or never getting to see me. I've been putting up with it a couple years now. She calls me lazy and pathetic and tells me I need to step it up and be a man. I left her 2 days ago and she changed the locks and took the kids with her to her parents house. This morning she called me and begged me not to leave her. Her parents keep bringing up old arguments we've had and she changes her mind and wants it over. My family thinks she will never change and I should cut my losses. I just want to be around my kids as much as I can. Last time we talked she wanted me back. What should I do?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 19 January 2013 14:43 posted by Guest

    I just don't see things changing: Me and my wife have been married 6 years. We have 2 small children. Due to my schedule I am with the kids more and am a good dad. She makes a lot more money than me at a job she hates. She can't stand it that I like what I do for a living. She blames me for everything that makes her unhappy. All she talks about is negative things at work. She tells the kids she hates work and wishes she could stay with them. I told her to quit and stay home with the kids and I would get a second job. I just didn't want to hear her complain about there not being enough money or never getting to see me. I've been putting up with it a couple years now. She calls me lazy and pathetic and tells me I need to step it up and be a man. I left her 2 days ago and she changed the locks and took the kids with her to her parents house. This morning she called me and begged me not to leave her. Her parents keep bringing up old arguments we've had and she changes her mind and wants it over. My family thinks she will never change and I should cut my losses. I just want to be around my kids as much as I can. Last time we talked she wanted me back. What should I do?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 19 January 2013 13:25 posted by Guest

    6.5 years: My husband and I have been married for six and a half years, like most reltionshipd ours hasn't been perfect. Recently we had some friends over to the house for some wine and cards my husband got mad about something...I still don't know what and punched a hole in the bedroom wall, then he punched out the cloaet doors. Well our children were home and my friends daughter was also there. My husband stumbled outside to smoke a cigarette and.my.friend lockrd him out.of the house and told him to go to his moms and sleep it off. Well he didn't and started pounding on the door he ended up hitting so hard that he broke out the window. My friend called the police and they took him over to his friends house after hearing what happened. Well.two hours later he had walked back to the house and.was.pounding.on the bedroom window . I called the police and the came and got him and took him to jail. A week after that incident we were back together and.he.had apologized. Well he goes to his friends house the following weekend wheb he comes home he is ranting about how my.friend had no right to call the police, and grabbed me by theneck . He then went into.the bathroom and stabbed himself.in the stomach twice and called the police and told the.police i had done it. Luckly my dad was there and everyone knew that i didnt do it but now he.wants me to take him back and he says he has gotten help but.i dont feel comfortable around him. Any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 18 January 2013 20:53 posted by Guest

    I just wanted to tell you it: I just wanted to tell you it seems like your husband might be involved with someone else. For him to want to give up so easy. Also if you guys dont come to an agreement about the kids than that will definetly push him away. You have to allow your Husband to feel like a man Trust me I have been through this and I learned the hard way. Most of all you have to pray to our loving God above nothing is impossible for him. Good Luck

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 18 January 2013 09:20 posted by Guest

    Re: HELP!!!!!!!!!! married for 9 years: Please help!! I have been married for 9 years. I am tired of trying to get through to my husband what my needs emotionally are. I need compassion, support, compliments. Show me you love me!! I have dealt with Bipolar and Depression all my life. I am not the most pleasant person lately either. We have 2 kids. Yes I am not confident a lot of the time. It is like most of the majority of the time any sort of affection needs to be coaxed out of him. We are both 36, I myself think he is childish for his and can be immature. I get my needs met by him at a point then he stops because it is like he forgets, then he starts to just kinda be here and of course then the immaturity and what not rub me the wrong way and he ends up that way and rude and like kidding around all the time like we are just buds. It is so annoying!!!!!! I am beginning to be so annoyed and irritated by him being so childish, and not listening to me. What in the world can I do anymore??? I am so tired of trying!!!!!! It has been many years of trying! I get my needs met, as if he makes that happen then I am so happy and you know like high but then as he stops and starts being disrespectful and rude and childish, then it is like WHAT????

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 17 January 2013 06:58 posted by Guest

    He says he loves me but wants a divorce???: I am so confused right now. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 8. I love him with all my heart. He says I'm not the person I use to be, the fun, outgoing, confident woman he fell in love with. I admit, I do not feel the same way about myself. I've gained about 30 pounds (I have severe rheumatoid arthritis in my spine making daily activities sometimes difficult). We do have fun together (unless you ask him) but we also argue. He can be a bully but he can also be very loving. When I took my vows I meant them... for better or worse. My father just passed away on Thanksgiving and it's been hard. A couple weeks later my husband moved out, said he still loves me but needs some space. He said we fight too much and he's had enough. What do we fight about? Mainly my kids. I have 3 kids (20,18, and 12) and he has 1 (12). Most of our arguments are based on kids issues. He wanted me to seek counseling for "myself". So I did and I still am. I go every week to work on why I have no confidence or self esteem. I feel it working. I feel I am seeing the "why". He had even offered to go with me so we could work on us. He has only gone once so far. I guess the straw that broke the camels back was 2 empty cigarette packs were found in my sons (he was 17 at the time) room even after numerous times of being told "no cigarettes in our house". My husband blew a gasket and tossed his room. Everything went to the middle of the room. When I got home my husband told me what happened and I made the comment that "he was going to be 18 soon and we can't stop him from smoking (outside of our house)". I get it... he intentionally defied us. I didn't agree with the extent that he destroyed his room (things did get broken) but it is what it is. My husband moved out. He has still been coming around almost everyday and tells me he loves me. By the way... our 8th anniversary is this coming Tuesday. Last night he came to our house to fix the furnace. He sent my daughter upstairs and proceeded to tell me that this just isn't working. He still loves me but it's not going to work. What? How can you say I love you but it's not going to work even before you have given counseling a good try? I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. I don't think our marriage is beyond saving. Too many times people throw their marriages away like trash. I'm not saying stay together regardless but at least give it a good effort. He loved me unconditionally once... can't he feel that way again?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 15 January 2013 14:34 posted by Guest

    I decided: I finally decided to talk with her and tell her it is over. I thought about it a great deal. To come to this conclusion, I asked myself these three questions:

    1. Would I marry her again if I had it to do all over? My answer unequivocably was no. We are two very different people with different values. I can't change her because it's who she is. Her way isn't right, and my way isn't right, it's just that we are too different to not have a continual strain in our relationship.

    2. Would I be happier with her or without her? I thought about this and determined I would be happier without her. Even if I end up living alone, I will be much, much happier in the long run.

    3. Does she make my life better or worse, easier or more difficult? I thought about this one, too, for quite some time. I thought about all the things I do for her, and how little she really does for me. I thought about a recent weekend when I used my powersaw to cut up a tree that had fallen down in the yard, then came inside and took out the cat litter, vacuumed and mopped the kitchen, then vacuumed our bedroom and cleaned our bathroom. During all of this time, she was working on uncluttering one room. One room. She makes my life so much more difficult, every single day.

    This was a tough decision. I still love her as a person, but am no longer in love with her. I also know the love I had for her has mostly turned to resentment and anger.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 January 2013 13:38 posted by Guest

    If he can afford an affair he: If he can afford an affair he can afford to take you out on a date.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 January 2013 12:44 posted by Guest

    So sick and tired of my husband: I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my husband. We have been married 3 years and things have been more down than up. I have three children( a son-13, girl-11, girl-6). My son is a special needs child who is developmentally delayed he does not walk or talk. Me and my husband got married and before we did I tried to tell him things about my past that he needed to know about me but he refuse to listen until my brother called me an inappropriate name to get a feeling out of him; anyway he has not gotten that out of his head and it's been three years now. My husband has means of money that he gets every month but he also works; I just recently graduated from college and gotten my B.S. degree and I work part-time at the same job I've had 6 years and it does not pay good but its work. My husband does not save money. Lately he has been working and whining about his job and he works away from home and my husband has always been a womanizer, he loves women but claims now that he is so in love with me. I know he cheats on me but just haven't caught him; when he comes home he turns his cell phone off, but wants to know why my phone isn't ringing or always making comments about my phone. I don't cheat on my husband and don't ever plan to, but I know he is. He has not saved any money, when I got money he always want my money. Our anniversary was last month and he didn't give me anything because he said he owed the hotel that he was staying in for phone usage ( I don't believe him). He is constantly texting me and wanting to know what I am doing and trying to keep up with me. I like that fact that he works away because I am starting to feel like resentment towards him when he is around and really I am feeling like I can't stand my husband I hate him and that's not a good feeling. He is good with the children but he is such an asshole at times to the whole family. My mother stayed with us for six months and it was his idea but last month he decided he was not going to pay rent because my mom was there and he really put the family in a bind and I have hated him for that every since and can't get over it. He wouldn't want me to treat his mother that way, he lies so much and always trying to manipulate the situations and turns things on me like its my fault. I just wish he would just walk away from me and leave, but I know he want, I just want out of this marriage and it is going to be hard. We have a new car together and both of our names is on the car but he does not have drivers license. I am so confused and I know this is going to be a big mess to divorce this man, he is diagnosed as being pyschosis and I'm a little bit scared of him. I just need to get away me and my children but don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 January 2013 07:36 posted by Guest

    Divorce her. : Get divorced. You obviously do not want to be married. You invite another over to your home where you and your wife sleep then have "amazing sex". But it's just "ok" with your wife she left because the man who promised to love her forever developed feelings for another woman she was hurt and you apologized by f$&@ing your coworker. Definitely divorce her she deserves better I'm not putting u down for your decisions because you both deserve to be happy I'm just saying don't be that selfish if u want something else then go after it but free your wife so she can have that same opportunity.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 13 January 2013 20:38 posted by Guest

    Love hurts: I think I should do the divorce thing. But I am so confused because I love my husband so so much. We have been together for nearly 20 years, high school sweethearts. We have just about everything in common, we never fight, I truly feel like he completes me. Unfortunately I do not complete him. We have two adorable babies, a nice house, and both come from " broken" homes. My husband complains of an emptiness but says he loves me. He complains that I am unhappy with him and deserve better. The problem is he has affairs, long ones, he falls in love with them but then quickly falls out of love and back in love with me. The trouble is we never have time for each other and we are broke. So we can't afford a sitter to do date night. I am crazy to even consider staying with him after this current affair. But I don't want to raise the kids the way I was and that was without a dad. I know it will just happen again. He likes the excitement of the affair. But if I leave him he will be helpless, he can't afford life without me. I don't want to leave him a mess, what would my kids think? Plus I will probably never meet anyone new. I am not outgoing, my husband was my only love affair, and I have two young babies. He hasn't even thought about breaking it off with this new lady. He says he wants to see where it goes! But when I pack up all his stuff he says he doesn't want to leave me? I need some super hero strength to get me through this. Has anyone tried support groups or anything? All my friends are happily married so they are no help. And my parents and his are all spiteful divorcees. I want to keep our friendship for the sake of the kids. He is staying with this stupid lady right now but won't move his stuff. Should I just drop it off at her house? But then he will be mad and for the kids sake I don't want him to cease speaking to me! What the heck am I suppose to do??? I am ready to just move out of the house and leave his stuff here. But then again I still love him!!! I need help!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 13 January 2013 14:09 posted by Guest

    so sad: It sounds like you thought you found prince charming. With a completely dimented side.
    He kind of sounds like my husband. Sometimes so wonderful you feel like you've met your true love.
    You told the previous person to get out while she can. Honey take your own advice. Life is way too
    to be thinking of what you shouldve done when you had the chance. You know you love him and you always will.
    But don't you deserve happiness? Please find the courage inside yourself to do what you know you need to.
    Don't be 60yrs old saying "what the hell did I do with my life"

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 13 January 2013 05:03 posted by Guest

    I am so sorry to hear your: I am so sorry to hear your story! But it is a carbon-copy of mine - at the beginning. But mine became so much worse. Please do not stay with him. It will escalate and he will hurt you seriously. I know! My Egyptian husband was (I thought) my soul mate, the true love I had always looked for. Handsome, smart, witty, charming, kind and loving. But it turned out to be the most evil, horrid 5 years of living hell!! He cost me $15,000 +, he broke my things, he broke my body, he choked me, etc. but it all just started with: "i ask him for kind words and romance he tells me he wont worship me,he yelled and blamed and cursed me that i wanted him to be an orphan and i ran his family away,he then tells me i am the reason his life is miserable that i steal his joy that i want to make him a prisoner he just says horrible things to me,I have asked him 3 times now to work on our marriage and see a consular he refuses and says he dont believe in them and we must work it out on our own". These were the EXACT words of my husband! The crazy thing is....he started running around and hooking up with local online sex sites. Meeting these women and I was afraid of getting a disease. I stuck by him, I was totally devoted to him. But it was never enough.....after he is cheating on me, he accuses me (even now) of sleeping around. Im not his wife!!! So, so controlling. Honey, get out while you still can!!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 13 January 2013 00:38 posted by Guest

    Run girl as fast as you can: Run girl as fast as you can he will never choose you over his family based on what you described. Your mother inlaw hits you you're an American stand up for yourself hit the b***h back

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 12 January 2013 12:28 posted by Guest

    Married/dont know what to do: Ok here is my story, I will make it as short as I can. When I was 16, I had a kid, I was a single mom and I struggled everyday, wanted to find that perfect man. Then I was 19 and had another baby, my childs father turned out to be a liar (surprise) and I was soon a single mom again. I worked all the time, had my own place, but I struggled a lot with being a single mom and wanting better for my kids. 5 years ago I met a man who was great, so I thought. I met my now husband through an online thing, immediately fell for him when he was dancing with one of my kids, and nervous to see the other one (who was on vacation and coming home) I got pregnant 2 months after we met, (b/c didn't work) and after only 3 months, found out he was cheating on me.

    It was hard but I tried to deal with it, at 6 months in, I found out he was trying to sleep with the next door neighbor at our apartment complex. Yet I tried to forgive and we got married, I loved him. He cooked for me, the kids, he took them to the bus stop, he watched them anytime I wanted to leave, basically aside from the cheating, he was the dad my kids never had, and the man I loved but was starting to hate a little bit. Well we struggled financially, he had no job, I was working, then at my 8 month pregnant mark, I lost my job. I have always wanted more for my kids so I signed up for school, then my husband did, his schedule conflicted with mine and we had no childcare, so I stayed home. 2 years later, I started school. In that time we moved into a house, still he had no job but we made it work.

    Then I found out he was cheating on me again, making fake profiles, etc. Anyways, we tried to make it work, but he started calling me everytime he was gone, texting me, and I mean so much I didn't even answer my phone. I asked fr a seperation. Soon he was texting me more and coming over, and I loved him, a week later we were back together. He ended up getting a good job and now we live in a nice house, all the kids have their own rooms, and we have separated once here, for a month. My problem is, I don;t know if I should not be happy. He does things like he deals with me (im bi-polar) he cleans, he cooks (I do too but he helps) he takes the kids to school, he is excited for their school plays, functions, he asks how their day was, etc but he doesn't really spend time with them, his job makes it to where he is gone a lot (which I can handle easy) but when he is home, I expect him to play with the kids, and go do things with us like go to the park or whatever, instead he has an attitude, the last time he watched the kids he had them in bed 3 hours early because he didnt want to deal with them.

    , he calls me at least 60 times a time, texts me non stop, if I don't answer he calls my mom, my friends. He is constantly telling me he loves me and wants to know if our relashonship is going to work even if all I did was get mad over something stupid. I have no private time, if I go in the room, he needs to put something away, if I am mad and don't want to talk, he follows me into the bathroom or the bedroom or whereever I am. I can easily make it seem like he is a bad guy, but at the same time, he does little things for me like makes me coffee when I wake up, brings a blanket out and puts it on the couch for me so i don't get cold if I want to come out and be lazy, tells me I am pretty even when I am sick and have no makeup on, but it seems like everything he does, he just does because its our normal life.

    I don't like having sex with him, everything he does makes me angry, even if he had good intentions, I feel like sometimes I am going crazy because he can be such a nice guy, but he is too needy. He has recently been yelling at me and calling me names and waking me up to yell. I say I dont want to argue in front of the kids, yet that is all they hear, every day. I am happy when he is not home, but I am afraid of doing it all again. If he leaves, I lose my house (I can't afford my rent/bills) and I go back to an apartment with the kids, and then what? Honestly I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know if I love him, I don't miss him, recently we went down so I could see my family on an extended visit, I stayed for 19 days, I didnt miss him once....what is wrong?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 09 January 2013 18:53 posted by Guest

    been there done that: Hey, look I was 14 when I began to see my exhusband. We had two kids and at 25 it felt as if he was my brother. He also wasn't affectionate and never really paid much attention to me. So I met a guy while I was married and we were just planning on being lovers yet we fell in love. I felt so good with him and he felt so good with me. So I divorced my ex and eventually married him. Though I never had regreted divorcing my ex, going into this marriage based on an affair screwed my life up. This isn't working out any better. Honestly, I think you should divorce. But don't keep a relationship with the coworker. Start a new relationship on the right foot and right grounds. The affair is cursed! Trust me

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 09 January 2013 09:41 posted by Guest

    time to divorce?: I have been married 2 years, ours is a marriage a little different than most. I am American and my husband is an Egyptian, I married him and moved to Egypt for over a year. in that time his mother tried to divorce us, the stress of home and money almost killed us, and the cultural differences are something else all together. my husband and I started to have problems very early on, i suffer from anxiety and well living with his family was miserable 24/7 i began to retreat into myself i stopped eating and became skin and bone, and fought with my husband day and night. 4 months ago we moved to Abu Dhabi as my husband took a physicians job there. so i was so sure that this was the break we were looking for and a much needed stress reliever, Wrong his family also lives here and have for 30 years so they all ended up at our house whenever they wanted, and in this culture there is no boundaries its considered rude and is not tolerated but being from the west we love our boundaries. so problems once again came about. his mother would come and tell me i was ugly and my hair is wrong ( I have natural curly hair) and i should make it straight and i have to wear makeup and i must dress different as i am the wife of a DR. people will judge my husband on the way I look. she would hit me and tell me Erin your husband will leave you he dont want a girl like you. so when i told my husband this is not right and i cannot and will not take it anymore i told him put boundaries with your family and make them go away for a month so we can work on us and focus on our marriage, the whole month he yelled and blamed and cursed me that i wanted him to be an orphan and i ran his family away, but these past few weeks I really just cant take it anymore I find we have grown apart so much, i ask him for kind words and romance he tells me he wont worship me. i have begun to hate him despise him and tell him i want a divorce. he then tells me i am the reason his life is miserable that i steal his joy that i want to make him a prisoner he just says horrible things to me so now i am pissed hurt and in tears so i in turn respond badly, and the cycle continues I just dont know what to do anymore... I have asked him 3 times now to work on our marriage and see a consular he refuses and says he dont believe in them and we must work it out on our own. but we cant cause we cant stand eachother. I really wish things could go back to the way they were but sadly I believe its time for a divorce the hurt is just to much, he refuses to change and i cant be what he wants he wont work on himself and wants to point the finger at me. i suppose if thats what it takes to make him feel better but for me I just live in misery and that is no life marriage is supposed to be a loving good thing not a painful hurtful thing

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 08 January 2013 18:07 posted by Guest

    Only you can decide: Your husband is a duplicate of mine. I too feel like a have a roommate, not a husband. We got married very young (21 and 22). We have been married for 13 years and we separated per my demand about 8 months ago. I was starving for affection and conversation. My husband spent hours on the video/game and rarely talked. I'm a sociable person who craves stimulating conversation. I feel like over the past 13 years I have been slowly dying. I have completed my divorce papers, but have not filed yet. I keep asking my mom and whoever else will listen, what to do. People say,"well, he hasn't cheated on you or beaten you up so you've got it made." I think deep down he is as unhappy as me. I think we are both afraid to stand on our own and move on. Of course I love him, but this feels like a waste. I want passion, love , fun and fulfillment with my mate. Is that too much too ask. You need to realize that this is your life. No one can make this decision for you. You cannot be guided by fear. You have to listen to your inner self, your instincts. It is not selfish to want happiness. This is the hardest decision i have ever had to make and I am scared to death. I take comfort in knowing I am not alone and I hope you do too. Good Luck

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 07 January 2013 22:54 posted by Guest

    I'm in the same situation,: I'm in the same situation, but the difference is I've been in this situation for ten years. I'm only 28 and feel very very unhappy at times, but for some reason I can't let go. So you are not alone there are many women that are in the same situation. Since this is a new year, I decided to really have a talk with him and just let it go. It will be hard but I have to do it. Is not healthy for my children or myself. Talk to people that you can trust and ask for their opinion, but not everyone because most people don't care. I hope you feel better and make the best decision.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 07 January 2013 14:24 posted by Guest

    a reply to separated and confused...: Hi
    I read your post and would like to give my personal opinion on this due to the fact that I am going through a divorce and my husband did to me what you did to your wife. Not meaning that as an attack, but just a way to let you know I can relate to your wife's need and wants to make the marriage work and partly out of feeling rejected. I would suggest that if you have had an affair and still have feelings for this other woman than you need to spare your wife of the possible hurt in the future of you straying and end it while it's easier for the both of you being separated. You are not in love with your wife and if you were to get back together with her it would only be for the convenience or for the kids sake; and trust me that will never work if it's not for the passion and love you have for one another. You were married to this woman for 9 years and if you are still unsure even when you are not with the other woman...then it sounds to me like you have lost feelings and your love for your wife. It sounds like you are not happy with your wife and you are looking for something or someone to fill an emptiness inside and you may be attached to her familiarity but as far as you being in love it sounds like that's a NO, and why be married if you're not in love? What a waste of life. You are searching for something and it sounds like your wife is not what you want in a marriage. I feel for her because I am on that receiving end and it's really hurtful but we all get through it and it always makes a person stronger :) Move on and maybe you both can be friends for the childrens sake in the future but save yourself and her the hurt of a nasty divorce in the future. I hope that helped.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 07 January 2013 02:36 posted by Guest

    divorce is best for your: divorce is best for your situation...sex addiction? Of course she pushes you away.. See you probably never felt the pain of adultery so you don't understand what kind of hurt she endured from your "addiction" so you call it. If you can't stop having sex with other people then she needs to get ths divorce or just do her a favor and divorce her! Even if you try and work on it trust me there will be bitterness, hostility,and probably nightmares like I had in my marriage where I wake up and want to chop things off BC I'm so disgusted.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 06 January 2013 07:42 posted by Guest

    Well Done for moving out.: Well Done for moving out. What strength to have stayed so long. You deserve better. No one deserves to be treated like this. You have done the right thing removing yourself and children from this situation. I would encourage you to get some counseling to regain your self worth, confidence and strength. Stay away !

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 06 January 2013 05:18 posted by Guest

    Is It Time?: My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have had some really rough times. He was active duty and deployed several times. His last deployment he was hurt, that was in 2006. He is now medically retired from the Army. He does have some lasting issues with his back but works as a Firefighter/EMT. Since getting out of the Army, I feel like he has just given up on himself. He has gained almost 80 pounds. I have a very demanding job as well. I am an officer for the State. I work out and try very hard to take care of myself. The longer we are together the worse things seem to get. I cannot get him to bathe, brush his teeth, or wear clean clothes most of the time. He has started smoking again but tries to hide it from me. We have 5 year old little girl that we both love dearly and I do not want her to think that behavior is acceptable. The thought of him touching me almost makes me gag. I would not mind the weight so much if he was clean! I have tried to get him to eat better and go to the gym with me, but nothing seems to work. He lacks all motivation other than sitting on the couch eating everything is sight. We have separated a couple times in the past. I filed for divorce in 2009, when without discussing it with me, he chose to take a private contract and go back over seas. We got back together a couple months after he came home. I am so burned out. I, however, have this huge amount of guilt that if I take our daughter and leave can he function? I feel like the moment I start talking he tunes me out. He says all I do is nag about him. I have started sleeping in the spare room because, well, he stinks and I find it disgusting. I feel terrible for even saying it. We have tried several different things. He does have PTSD but refuses to go talk to his counselor. I cannot fix him. I try to get him to help around the house but he does not budge. I work 50+ hours a week and he still expects me to play Suzie Home Maker. In two years, I started and graduated with honors with my Bachelor of Science. While attending school, I worked two full time jobs while he was unemployed most of the time. He does work full time now, but I am still working my regular job, a part-time job and working on my Masters. I work part-time because when it comes to our daughter needing new clothes, shoes, or school things I always pay for them. He has a serious EBay shopping addiction and refuses to show me the amount he spends. We now have separate checking and savings account because it is so out of control. I still feel the need to save him. I look at him and he is nothing but a shell of the man I fell in love with. I feel like I am raising a very large kid and my little girl.

    At what point do I give up? Will my guilt ever go away? Or am I a terrible wife of a vet?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 05 January 2013 09:52 posted by Guest

    Seperated and still confused : I have been married for 9 years and recently seperated from wife 5 months ago. I have one daughter who is 6 years old. I was always a faithful husband until recently. I developed a crush for a coworker about a year ago. I revealed this to my fellow coworker and the feeling was mutual. We began texting and talking for months. I really began to have strong feelings for her. My wife eventually found out and she moved out to a apartment of her own even though nothing physical had happened yet. The day my wife moved out the coworker came over to my house, and we had amazing sex. We continued to text and sleep together for about 2 months. Then some coworkers found out and the affair ended. I still have feelings for the coworker. My wife and I have continued to have sex even though we our seperated. We our going to marital counseling about once a week. My wife works at a hospital so she works every other weekend. So throughout my marriage I felt like a single dad. She is not very affectionate at all. She is also 7 years older than me. The coworker was 10 years younger. I am 35 and take care of myself physically in good shape. I am trying to figure out what I want to do. She wants to work things out, but I am not sure. I told her if we get back together she must not work weekends and she seems ok with this. I would like to also mention that sex with her was always ok, but she never slept in the same bed with me the entire marriage , because she says I snore too much . Need to make decision to stay married or to get divorced. I do enjoy living alone. I always craved for alone time when I was married.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 04 January 2013 18:45 posted by Guest

    Can't handle it!: I've been married for 2 1/2 years. All the signs were there before i married him and should have known to follow my instincts but I guess I was hoping for change and hoping for a better future. My husband has a very bad anger problem. I believe he has misplaced anger from his past with his parents parting. The majority of our marriage has been verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive. I stuck it out. The past year I've found myself to feel lonely, angry, sad, and resentment towards him. I've always been such a fun and worry free person. This past year I've noticed I've fallen out of love and by trying to find happiness and finding my inner beauty i started to to take pics of myself. Once he saw that he automatically assumed I was sharing them with someone. I did a Pin Up Photo shoot and made a book with my pics just for him as a Christmas present. I ended up sharing them with a couple of friends. He is so jealous and insecure he has took it to another level. Became a person I never knew. Found out that the people I've shared with were...my gay boss, and a friend who's wife does pin up. Now that he found a way where he's no longer the bad guy he is slandering my name by calling me a whore, slut, and calling my main bosses stating i'm having an affair with people at work. Before all this he even went as far as GPS'ing my where abouts, hacking into my email, and calling my call log from my cell phone asking everyone how long they've known me and what our relationship is. I've not cheated on my husband, It's not crossed my mind or even bare the thought of living with that guilt. He's even took it as far as telling our children I'm mean to him and to be on his side. All this has brought me major anxiety attacks that I've never experienced and a major push back. He has pushed me so far away I moved out with our children because I don't only think it's healthy for them or I to be around but it is also not safe. I can no longer handle it. He has taken everything to extreme that I can't see myself trying to or wanting to fix this. Is this a means for divorce?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 04 January 2013 01:22 posted by Guest

    Your story: Hello,

    Your story sounds painful. I am writing to you because I not only feel for you, I myself have a similar situation with my life. If your husband cared enough about your marriage he would pay more attention to your feelings. The biggest problem is that your parenting children who don't belong to you. I know the feeling and I hate it. No matter what, you will ALWAYS be wrong. The kids don't respect you and neither does he. Money shouldn't stop you. I feel like a damn hypocrite because I am also a step parent to kids who don't respect me. My wife and I have become far disconnected. I myself am out of options. Continue to talk with him and let him know your unhappy. Explain to him you are not to be treated as the enemy. You are his wife and if he still has feelings for his past then he needs to be honest with you. I'd tell you my story but your going through enough. Best of luck.

    Jim

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 03 January 2013 23:39 posted by Guest

    My husband and I have been: My husband and I have been married for just a few years. I wish I could say that they have been great but they have not been even good. 10 days after our vows I found out he owed over $10,000 to the state we lived in. He knew he owed that much but hid it until we were married because he knew I would have forced him to pay it before I said I do. I, freaked out and cleared out half my savings to pay his debt, after paying for the wedding he wanted. Yes I was pissed about the money, hurt about the lies, and fiddled with the idea of an anolment. I stuck it out and we slowly built up his credit. We are finally in a good place with money, and about a year and a half ago decided to try have a baby. After a year of trying we found out that it was my fault. We talked about doing the treatments, I did not want to, but he did. So we tried the drugs, three levels of them. The sad thing is, I had to push for him to sleep with me before, once I was on the drugs it was impossible. He pushed for me to take them, I cried, I begged, and I pleaded with him to understand my side, but he never tried. He got his way and he wouldn't come near me! I stopped taking the drugs a few months ago, and he was mad at me for being so selfish, I told him to ask me to take the horrible drugs and then not even do his part was just as selfish. I know my vows, but I want out.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 03 January 2013 18:29 posted by Guest

    Please, if you haven't: Please, if you haven't already, leave him. There is no excuse for abuse and he could kill you. You are worth more than that !

  • Comment Link Clarity Thursday, 03 January 2013 17:11 posted by Clarity

    bsda - why isn't enough!: Well, about three months ago - I told my husband the same thing that I wanted a divorce. I too did everything around the house & parenting both of our children -exhausted. I really started working on myself and got in shape - look & feel soo much better about myself. He could only say "When are you going to get past this?" I got tired of trying to make him happy... I call it shutdown & shut out everyone - he is a good guy - holds a good job. Now, he is Mr. Wonderful..helps with house (driving me nuts too) & FINALLY a father that is home. Again, like you no feelings... My husband did cheat on me too a few years ago when I had our 2nd child and I was soooo scared of losing him, but it seemed that he wasn't too worried about losing me?! Now, he is...but, why now? I am resentful & numb toward him. I feel bad, but I feel the way I feel?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 03 January 2013 14:03 posted by Guest

    Service: I haven't been married long, about a year and a half, but my parents have been married for 29 years. My grandparents on my dad's side were married for 63 years until my grandfather died. It seems to me that the majority of these posts have to do with the lack of understanding that marriage is sacrifice and service to your spouse. That is the reason my parents and grandparents never divorced. If one side isn't offering their service then yes it's going to be hard and divorce the easy and hard option. What i have learned so far is that when my wife is happy, I am happy. The way I make her happy is by serving her. This works both ways. There are things my wife appreciates when they are done before she comes home from work because she loves when things are clean. I don't mind as much when things aren't as clean when I get home from work. I appreciate different things than the house being clean. Service is so important in a marriage and I'm definitely still learning that and will continue to learn. Instead of looking for signs for divorce though, why don't we start looking for ways to serve our spouse better. I'm tired of seeing marriage being turned into a consumer relationship. If you are looking for someone who is going to fulfill your needs completely then you are always going to be disappointed. People use the excuse that they are human when they make a mistake. How about owning your mistake and asking for forgiveness instead? Before I got married I had a list of things I wanted my wife to be and I tried looking for that woman. She was very hard to find. It wasn't until I learned that I shouldn't be making a list of what my wife ought to be I should be making a list of who I ought to be. We need to start making ourselves into the people we need to be FOR the person we are going to marry not go shopping for the perfect person who fits my description. Marriage is about selflessness not selfishness. I understand that people do not always get back in return what they have put out and I'm very sorry to hear those stories. If you believe that divorce really is your best option then you can make that decision but you did make a vow to your spouse in front of God and everyone else at your wedding. Probably one of the biggest vows you have ever made in your life and also one of the most important ones too. You made a commitment. I guess I just want to encourage people to do everything possible before going through a divorce, especially if you have kids.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 02 January 2013 18:07 posted by Guest

    The description of your: The description of your husband sounds like it could be a description of me (in my first marriage). You are lonely and need the attention your husband can't give you, anymore. But, your husband isn't getting what he needs either. I am not implying your relationship (or lack of it) and mine are identical, however, they sound similar. In my case, I was married to a woman who needed me to be what she wanted me to be; not what I wanted to be, or who I was; and my needs were going unfulfilled as well. My Ex was constantly nagging about things I consdiered "small"; eg., not putting my shoes in the closet when I took them off. If there was an argument, I was not entitled to my opinion. Like a pitbull she would "bite" and hold on until I submitted and surrendered to her point of view. In other words, she had to "win". I usually gave in out of pure exhaustion from fighting a futile fight. And not being able to "win" once in a while, is a form of rejection. Men have egos; bigger than women, I'm sure. When a man senses "rejection", he withdraws. It is something he can't fathom, let alone accept. If your husband smells so much as a hint that you are unhappy, unfulfilled, or dissatisfied (and he will if you are constantly "rejecting" him), you will be stonewalled, unless you identify, address, and change your behavioral approaches toward him, FIRST. Many woman want to believe they are "princesses" in the eyes of their husbands and, treated as such. Many woman are, and more could be, if women treated their men like "princes", but many women forget that nurturing a relationship is a two-way street. My wife and I divorced. Seemingly, the divorce was easy for her. For me it was one of the most devastating events of my life. I had been rejected. If you truly want your husband to respond the way you say you do, try listening to him, let him get away with a few bad habits, and give in once in while even though it doesn't agree with you. He will perceive your doing this, "as out of respect for him". Don't try to sweetie-pie him; it will seem disingenuous to him and he'll rebut your efforts. I remember one time, my EX asked me why I couldn't demonstrate my love (anymore) toward her the way other men demonstrate their love toward their wives. I remember telling her, "It's pretty hard to love a rattlesnake." Think about "how you treat him". The old saying, "Men need to be respected. "Women need to be adored", is pretty true, I believe. I would guess you have to improve how you respect your husband, and you'll be surprised how you're adored. I hope that helps. If I'm way off base, I apologize.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 02 January 2013 17:04 posted by Guest

    so not happy and it is a long story!!: Well, here goes nothing. I married my husband 4 years ago and so much has happend since then. I am not even really sure where to begin.
    We have custody of this 3 children 10, 11 and 17 plus I have a daughter of my own but she could not handle the stress of his 3 and went to live with her grandmother 3 years ago.
    His ex wife is not a mother to her children she sees them once a week and does not pay child support nor has my husband taken her to court to have her pay child support. This bothers me as she always has her hair and nails and toes done. She constantly has new clothes. While we struggle and make scarafices to pay for what the kids need.
    The problems for me started when his eldest daughter stole from my jewelery box and stole money from my wallet. The problem was that they my husband and his wife di not deal with it. They yelled at her and grounded her but there was no real consequence. She wrote a letter to me to say she was sorry but when asked why she wrote the letter she said because it was part of my punishment. She showed no remorse for what she did. I decided to get her counselling as I viewed this as a cry for help and she obviously has issues if she is not remorseful. I got her the counselling and I attend regularly. My husband has attended a handful of times but, is not actively participating in the healing process. When he did attend he was asked about his past relationship with his ex wife and when he spoke you could see the pain on his face and feel the pain in voice. This is a problem for me as I see it as he has not had closure on this past relationship as it causes him so much pain. Why marry me if you are not over your past relationship.?? last year I sufferd from stress and depression and was off work for 3 months. When I returned to the work force I left the field I was in and tried something new that pays 1/2 what I was making before. He now complains that we have no money cause we are too busy paying off my debts and bills. he blames me for everything. Ive tried talking to him but he blames me and when I tried expressing myself in a letter he blamed me again. There is so much more that I could tell you - this is just the tip of the ice berg. I am not happy and want out. Is it wrong for me to just give up? I am mentally and emotionally drained from the constant drama. I want to at least separate but I feel so guilty. Not sure where to live as it is too expnsive to stay in the city for which I live now.
    Very disconncted from my husband - we are intimate only a couple of times a month and truth be told I don't really want to be intimate anymore.
    Is it time to leave or should I stay and fight?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 02 January 2013 16:44 posted by Guest

    Should I divorce: My wife and I have been married for 11 years now. This is my second marriage. I essentially gave up on this marriage five months ago. I would like some advice if I should divorce.

    - She works and makes nearly $50K a year and is always borrowing money from my account, although I pay all of the bills, including house payment, cell phone, TV, phone, utilities, and most expenses for our pets.

    - Her son who is now 22 has the run of the house. He has a music room and uses one of the other bedrooms as his living room. He does nothing to help around the house, and she doesn't make him. He's currently in his eighth semester of college and still qualifies as a freshman.

    - She recently allowed a young lady to move into the house since her mother threw her our. She did this without really discussing with me. I have no idea how long she will be staying -- one year? Two years?

    - My wife does little to help around the house. I made the Christmas meal; she did nothing. She didn't even offer to help to clean up the mess. This is commonplace.

    - I often travel and have to come home and clean the house on the weekend.

    - My wife rarely makes herself presentable in terms of fixing her hair or anything. She also rarely comes to bed bathed. As a result, I've lost all interest in sex with her.

    - My wife is also a "collector." As a result, there are always boxes everywhere. She's always looking for a deal and is reluctant to throw anything away.

    I know it sounds as if I'm making her out to be a terrible woman, but she does have some very redeeming qualities. She is kind, loves animals and really loves me. But I'm going freaking crazy and know I would be so much happier not with her.

    Have I tried talking with her about these things? Of course. But nothing seems to change. For example, after one of her "collecting" binges with furniture, I took her to a nice furniture store and bought her a beautiful dining room set, with the understanding that she wouldn't buy more pieces of furniture and try to make it work. This Christmas, the dining room set was completely covered with boxes, magazines, etc. She turned the most beautiful room in the house into a complete mess.

    Help!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 01 January 2013 11:57 posted by Guest

    When to walk away? : I met my husband 14 years ago; we've been married for 9. He works hard and is an amazing father to our very spirited toddler. The problem is he's lost all zest for life. We met and had so much fun for years and now he's a couch potato watching baseball. He doesn't want to go out or see friends. We don't do anything together. When I try to organize things, there's little or no response. He tells me he's happy with his life and likes being quiet. He's changed.

    I've been dealing with it for a couple of years because everyone tells me "he's such a catch... You're so lucky" but the truth is, I'm bored and lonely. He treats me like a friend, really. i don't feel like we have a romantic relationship at all. He never says he love me; offers no compliments, or any affection (never kissing or hand-holding). Even our close friends have commented that our relationship seems "platonic". Most nights, he just watches TV or gets out his laptop. Simply put: I don't feel loved.

    I'm starting to feel angry and resentful. Whenever I try to discuss the situation he tells me I sound like I want to be single. That's not true! I want to feel loved and spend some "adult" time... Not just children and housework conversations. There are times I catch a glimpse of him and remember how incredibly attracted I was to him, now that's just fading away. I don't want our relationship slip away but it's getting harder to hold on to so little affection.

    Where to go from here?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 01 January 2013 07:14 posted by Guest

    My wife and I are separated how long do I wait: Me and my wife have been together for 10 years married for 6. We have been separated for 4 months now
    We talk about things we do things together. We have a 2 1/2 year daughter. I did things to betray her trust
    I wasn't the easiest person to get long with I have an addiction to sex. I'm dealing with this issues with my therapist Doing the best I can. I have been paying the bills and the house hold things for 4 months what do I do
    She keeps telling me she needs more time she dont know how to forgive I'm living with my best friends family just feel like its over most of the time she hardly tells me she loves me no physical contact just feel like I'm being pushed away even more every week. How long do i take this want do I do please someone give me some advice

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 01 January 2013 00:41 posted by Guest

    A man's perspective: I understand the comments that a lot of women have posted. I am submitting my issue to see if I am crazy. My wife and I wer high school sweethearts. We have known each other since we were 16 years old. We dated for quite a while before we married and have known each other over half of our lives. I returned from my second deployment to Iraq 2 years ago. Right before I came back she asked my advice about starting law school. But the kicker was she had to have an answer within 24 hours or she would not be able to start the classes then. Of course I said she should because what else could I do? There is no way I could say no. Well during the deployment I was having some issues with the whole perspective of life and spinning my wheels. Going no where. I have never admitted this but I also think I had a few issues from the two deployments that added up. Well when I got home it was her first week of school and she made it perfectly clear that she COULD NOT miss any of the first week of school. Regardless if I was coming home from a war. Well during the deployment my mother had a major stroke and I was not really prepared to see her as soon as I got home with my emotions going haywire. Well since my wife could not miss school I did not know who was picking me up to bring me home. My mother in her il health was there. I was thankful to see her but could barely process her condition. She can no longer walk. Since being back I have seen the wife very rarely since she goes to school. I have gotten an apartment but I feel numb. I was angry and resentful but now I feel numb. I have been alone and have trouble relating to people now and she has no idea. I can't take this. When we have talked about divorce she completely goes berserk. Then she tells me I call her names (I have said you are crazy) but I don't know where she got I call her names. Any time she had before and after I left she would take vacations with her mother to places like Belgium, Russia and China to name a few. I feel taken for granted, used and ignored. Am I crazy or is a divorce my best option. I think she goes crazy when I talk about the divorce because she thinks the worst and not having financial support if I leave. I am very angry and resentful when I don't feel numb.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 31 December 2012 19:48 posted by Guest

    Yes, Guilty... but that doesn't mean...: Okay - whether your husband knew or not is no reason to blame him for being in it "for the money". Sad as it is, you are guilty, because your traded yourself and your morals for the money. As a result, it might have done irreparable damage to your marriage. You can certainly feel sorry, and your husband can definitely feel badly for silently condoning it, but ultimately, it could have ruined your relationship. Why do I say this? Put yourself in his position. Unless he is truly a saint, I can't imagine how this wouldn't affect his self esteem and rewrite the rules of your relationship. I have had relationships with wonderful people in my life when I was much younger, that were ruined by experiences that can't be erased or rewritten now. And that is okay. They are still wonderful people. In relationships with OTHER people now. You can correct it by being better in your next relationship, unless you have a strong enough foundation of other stuff to help soften the blow of this incredible betrayal of your family and yourself.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 31 December 2012 07:41 posted by Guest

    God help your wife: It takes two to 'fill a womb' mate, so don't flatter yourself. And have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You sound like an unpleasant, arrogant man and I feel sorry for your wife. She doesn't need a necklace, she needs a loving partner to raise YOUR five children (not just hers) together. I hope she finds a good lawyer to make you pay for her maintenance if you cannot find it in your heart to love and respect her again and she chooses to leave you; (as you should, since she was raising the kids and could not make money).

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 31 December 2012 00:26 posted by Guest

    Trust me it's not worth: Trust me it's not worth waiting on him, they never change it's always us wives, girlfriends, ect. It's women who always get the short end of the stick. He won't change, he probably says it all the time when you say" it's better if we move on" Right???
    You say you don't feel the same as before? It's probably because you are sick and tired of the games. If your staying because of kids? It won't get better, or he won't change. He wants the cake and eat it too. Staying for the kids maybe is what everyone wants you to do? but you need to trust your heart, listen too yourself!!! Trust me been there done that!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 December 2012 17:27 posted by Guest

    In need of an answer: I've been married for 2 and a half years now. My husband is a good guy around other people but around me he is a monster. I'm just not happy anymore, I'm confused. When we were dating everything was nice but a while after we had our first baby things went downhill. He doesn't care for neither of us. He doesn't like to spend time with us. I've tried telling him its better we just move on without each other but he says he still loves me. He says he's gonna change but he doesn't. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't feel the same with him anymore.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 December 2012 17:06 posted by Guest

    Leave while you still can: I feel so much for your situation. I found this website, wondering myself what to do. I married at nineteen, madly in love. Now twenty years later, I find myself with kids (wouldn't trade them!) and a husband who just won't work. If yours isn't working now, believe me, it isn't going to get any better. If I could talk some sense into myself 10, 15 or 20 years ago, the answer would be clear. Leave. Mine has literally only worked at one job for one year ONCE in the 22 years we have been together. Other than that it has been a cycle of stress, poverty and continually hoping that he would get a job. The last paycheck I remember him getting was about 10 years ago. I am not perfect. I no longer have the body I did at nineteen, but neither am I unattractive. I was working 3 part time jobs while pregnant with our first child...while he had none. Should've given me a clue, but I am hard headed and didn't want a divorce. I worked two full time jobs in order to get two different insurance plans to get his major dental work done. He has never once worked at a job and gotten benefits for our family. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me, but I just want to say that it doesn't get any better. We had a child right away and then another and another...I don't want to ruin their lives by getting divorced. But honestly, other than a part time handyman around the house and good sex once or twice a week, what the hell am I still married for? I never expected to sit around and eat bon bons, but I did expect that I would marry someone who loved me enough to go to work each morning and at least try to provide for his family. Just sign me - at wit's end.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 December 2012 16:32 posted by Guest

    You sound like a horrible: You sound like a horrible sexist pig. Calling your wife a "braud" and saying she looks like a "sack of potatoes." And you think you're so great because you work and you "filled her womb 5 times"? Who even says that? Oh and you wasted $1,000 on something material when she probably just wants you to show her some respect. Men like you disgust me.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 December 2012 08:31 posted by Guest

    why isn't it enough: I have a wonderful husband but still not satisfied. I have 2 children to a previous marriage that he took in and
    raised as his own. He has been very loving & caring but why am I still not happy. He can holds a full-time job and is a hard worker at it. I also have a full-time job which is not a strenious job. He gets home before me and would take a nap till I get home. I get home and would start supper. As supper was cooking, I would do up any dishes and put a load of laundry in. After supper was over, I would clean up and do dishes by the end of the evening, I am exhausted. Now by evening, I am exhausted. My husband couldn't understand that and when I said that he could help out, he would acknowledge it but never do nothing about it. He would complain because by bed time, I was tired and had no time for him. Now cutting grass and shoveling snow, he has no problem doing but everything else has been left up to me. After years of asking, I have become resentful and very numb. Now, my husband doesn't mind going out for supper but doing much of anything else really not interested. Even when we did do things, I would worry that he wasn't having a good time than I myself was miserable. The time has come that I want time for me. I do love my husband but I am no longer in love with him. I don't want to hurt him but I am tired of being hurt. Three months ago, I asked him for a divorce and he doesn't understand why. My feelings are numb and I can't get them back. He has stepped up and started helping around the house. We started doing things together. I feel horrible but I can't get those feelings back. Why did it take me leaving for him to step up. I feel horrible for hurting him but the candle is burnt out. Counseling will no longer help because I no longer feel the way I use to.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 28 December 2012 14:51 posted by Guest

    Wow: If more men tried to make things work like you, there would be less women on here. Most here have spouses who don't show any interest in their wives for a long time, sometimes years, and have endured all sorts of dysfunctional situations. Consider yourself the exception to the rule. It sounds like your wife is having some issues or insecurities she needs to work out. Good luck and don't give in. Your kids will be very grateful; they know what's going on.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 27 December 2012 16:55 posted by Guest

    that child would suffer!: having a child will not make him more responsible! can you imagine the baby in a poopy diaper all day starving for food and attention because dad is "going to change one day"?!!!! can you imagine how exhausted you will be caring for one infant and one grown up baby no time for you?
    Besides that since he's already done heroin your poor child would most likely have deformities
    save the baby crave for a better relationship because a baby needs reliability

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 23 December 2012 03:39 posted by Guest

    bla bla bla: One thing i noticed is almost all the posts are from women. We have been married for 20 years now, I have tried very hard to treat my wife right, provide the things she desires, filled her womb 5 times, treat her kindly and try to show happiness towards her. We had an agreement that she would stay home and homeschool the kids. I listened to her whining for since the beginining, her judgmental attitude towards me, and everyone who she doesnt agree with, and if she is rebuffed then thats like a 10 year sentence in the sh@#$t house. This last year things got very hard financially and you woman may like security but think about what a man like myself was thinking when I didnt have any work and 5 kids to boot. I had never experienced this kind of stress before and on top of that I was very tempted to have another relationship with another woman. Before my wife knew about my temptations and things were tight financially, I noticed her giving up on me. I gave my life for her and the kids, there wellfare and everything else, I am not perfect, I like my own time, but always made sure my family was loved, fed, protected in fact even today there is a $1000 necklace under the tree for her, but do you think she will even care. She actually gets jealous of me because I bring home big checks and she brings home little ones, its like hey you stupid braud, its for you, its all for you. I began to see her true colors. I still love her and I am not leaving. I told her my tempations to have another wife, I even asked her to let another one move in but I never actually had an affair, never cheated on the woman but she treats me like i did. Im sick of being lonely, it was always about her and she never respected me even in front of the children. So of course she is offended which I guess I would be too. I give it too her she did try to lose some weight and be more sexually affectionate torwards me, but she wasted all these years, now she looks at herself in the mirror and sees a sac of potato's and now wants me to call her all sorts of sexy names. She also went and got a part time job which is fine and she wants to leave but she cant because she doesnt make enough to support herself, I told her to go back to school, cuz I aint leaving my family. So now she mopes around like its the end of the world for her and wants me to leave.
    Here is a bit of advice to those who want to get married or remarried. Meet the other persons parents, find out what they are like and if you like them then you will like the one you will marry. and women need to respect there husbands just like men are suppose to love there wives.

    Cheers

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 20 December 2012 08:24 posted by Guest

    Get your own life: Hi, I know how hard it must be for you, and I am truly sorry, but you are the ONLY person that could do something for yourself! Start a course, start preparing yourself to go back to work!! And move on, it is past time already!! If you continue you will be unhappy forever! Again, the ONLY person that can do something for you is YOURSELF!! There is no such thing as fairies giving us our wishes, so start planning, studying, working!! Then you will have what you need to survive and leave ur disrespectful hubby once and for all :)

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 19 December 2012 16:05 posted by Guest

    Leave before you find more reasons not to: Trust me, if he's come this far with the drugs and nothing has changed after this long... LEAVE. PLEASE don't bring a child into the chaos. Just go and start fresh.

    With love,
    Jennie

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 18 December 2012 10:23 posted by Guest

    lost: My husband and been married for 3 years. I have a son whom he adopted when he was a baby. I was so happy but the last few months everything has built up. My son was diagnosed with cancer and he hasn't been there for me much at all. A few months ago I told him I was tired of it and thought about leaving. Since then he has been a mess and we have fought noon stop over everything. When we argue he calls me horrible names and it degrads me as a person. I love him I've been with him for 6 years he is all I know. But lately I feel like maybe its better if I leave I'm not sure what to do and he just don't get it but after a few days of me trying to explain to him that he was wrong to talk to me like that he says he is sorry and loves me and that we will be ok and then I feel bad for thinking that I was going to leave but at the same rate in less than 6 months we will be right back in the same spot. I'm just lost all together.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 17 December 2012 20:25 posted by Guest

    my marriage: M marriage is no later going great, when there is something wrong and i try to talk about it ,he doesn't set down and try to solve it in a adult manner he wants to either turn it around on me or deny the problem.Seems like he doesn't care if something is wrong or how i feel.most of the time he ends up hitting me with his fist or choking me,calling me a whore,trash and a bad mother.times he'll bring up his ex's and say they are better than me in sex wise Why dont he just go with one of them instead?excample today he physically and mentally abused me. He said that his two ex's were better than me so i said my were too. why cant he see his faults and admit them.i cant think of any other solution to help our marriage anymore it's not easy to give up so i'm seeking the way to save it but i cant stand the way i feel anymore i just want to be happy.What do i DO?There are times i get mad at him for stupid stuff and try to talk to him but by then it's out of control and yelling and fighting as already occured and made new issues.We dont trust each other anymore at all.there are things he's aloud to do but if i do it he would be mad,why is that? Is it time for a divorce or can it ever be repaired?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 15 December 2012 20:58 posted by Guest

    Certainly relate: That is my life but the only difference is we live in his mothers home, whom is obsessed with her sons, never want to see us happy. She talks mean stuff about me and when I say something to him he curses me out, which really hurts. This past Sunday he called my mom and told her to come get me out of his house, or the cops will pick one of us up, that was the saddest, I felt humiliated. I've been with him 20 years, married 7 years now and now have a 5year old daughter. I'm at my sisters house. The day after i left I went to work gave in my resignation and currently seeking transfer to fortlauderdale. He's now saying he's so sorry and he trying to make up but as much as I love him he will only change for a little. I suffer with anxiety, emptiness, we don't speak often and when I tell him he curses me, no sex for about 2 months, he doesn't look at me, sees me as a loser, fat, bicth. Why does he want to make up I'm not sure because when I'm with him he doesn't even kiss me morning and night. He looks at At other woman all the time. He has cheated on me 1 year after we got married, will to give me up for a 21year old, which I feel like he will do it again. What shall I do? Is it fare? I am numb

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 15 December 2012 20:28 posted by Guest

    Wow, that must hurt really: Wow, that must hurt really bad. My husband and I are going through a divorce for many of the reasons you have listed. I just different because I am bless to have my independence. I have suffers for a long time with lies, cheating, porn, and always being the last, no kisses, sex, phone calls, and no trust. Most of my time I'm empty, lonly,afraid, and filled with anxiety, which makes you so numb, over whelmed, and tired. Mine just kicked me out on Sunday out and is now trying to have me go back which I'm not. I am moving away to Florida but he's giving me a hard time to leave with my daughter. He takes care of her financially but that's it, I have to work, clean, cook, play all day with our daughter till night since she was born and he is now saying he will fight me for her . I don't know what to do. I will suggest to just pray the father lord is listening

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 13 December 2012 12:16 posted by Guest

    18 yrs and not happy: Like most we were madley in love. Met and married within 6 months due to him leaving to War. Within 3 years he left the service and wanted to move back home (Take me from mine). As a good wife in so much love, We moved East. He has always held a good job, provided well for us. We moved 3 more times with his job, all moves in the middle East States and I hate it. My husband Hunts and Fishes..Fishes and Hunts and I have come to realize that is the reason where we live. Better deer and bass fishing in these 4 States and more flat land here. I am from Oregon and Utah..Hills and Mountains, Hunting he has to climb them and bass fishing is not as good. I am now a grandmother (he is not grandfather) from my first marriage and have only seen my 2 grand daughters twice as they live in Oregon. My Kids also live in Oregon. These are not his, so he don't care that we live live so far away. We now have a 10 year old and I know he would never live to far from him or his grandchildren. He is selfish and inconsiderate for anything I want or need. He is very good to passafie me, But I am getting smarter. I know my son and I would be okay and better if I leave, but It's still scary. I love him but I'm to old to be this un-happy

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 13 December 2012 01:44 posted by Guest

    Why would you want to bring a: Why would you want to bring a child into the world with someone that is clearly broken and you are his irresponsible enabler. Let me tell you first hand as a child of such a union all you will do is cause irreversible harm to that child. If you have one ounce of self respect you should leave this relationship. Get some counseling before entering another relationship and keep in mind that addicts rarely change.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 12 December 2012 05:24 posted by Guest

    I'm so sorry! I'm going: I'm so sorry! I'm going through a similar thing. How I wish I could talk to you.....know this, at least you will not betray " Yourself" another day.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 10 December 2012 22:19 posted by Guest

    control,verbal,emotional abuse,narcissistic: Goin on 15yrs of marriage: lets start with ingredients of: controlling finances including questioning where every penny was spent,i dont need ,new clothes,i need to stop galavanting,his going to a strip party while i am 8months pregnant with our 1st child, then add lies,anger, porn..suggesting threesome..add manipulation,disrespect,ignorance,self righteous,opinionated,aggressive behavior towards our two kids,,selfishness,his way or no way..oh remember to add unrealistic demands of idiocracy.and add the damaging words of i dont love you anymore,pulling a knife in front of the younger kid.
    Oh yes, lets reme,mber, the ex girlfriend who he favors over me his"wife"to this day..oh to add more ingredients is too overwhelming...yet, im currently codependent financially because ive been home with the kids! It was agreed upon between us..iim open for suggestions...

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 09 December 2012 17:42 posted by Guest

    7.5 years: My husband and I have been married 7 and a half years. I'm 27 and he's 29. Everyone thinks we are perfect together, a golden couple...and I believed it for the first two.. We've had lots of ups and downs but more downs. He doesnt have a stable career and hasn't held down the same job for more than a year. He used to smoke weed, then 3 years ago started taking heroin and we went through hell. He's now on methadone treatment which is great but he's started smoking weed again too, alot. This means he's constantly lazy, sleeping, demotivated and has no sexual desire. I'm frustrated and now really want a child but he hasn't got the right attitude at all. He's not proactive and does nothing around the house or for our future, and I know its cos of the drugs. I have wanted to walk out many times but he's reassured me things will change. Im worried they wont though and i'll be in the same situation for years. I dont trust him anymore. The only thing keeping me in this relationship is the fact that my sister just got divorced and I dont want to put my parents through the same pain again. I also keep holding onto the hope that a child will make him more responsible. What shall I do???

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 09 December 2012 17:03 posted by Guest

    Oh my gosh, I'm going through: Oh my gosh, I'm going through the same kind of issues!! He thinks I'm crazy and need to go see a Dr, but the reason I am is bc he's done so much to me. Its been an over and over again thing. And every time was over internet, Facebook, Craigslist ads. :(

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 08 December 2012 23:13 posted by Guest

    Yes, he did know. It was not: Yes, he did know. It was not only obvious, but i tried to tell him, many times. He liked the paycheck, so i felt obligated to stay in that horrible situation, to make everyone happy. I know there is no excuse for an affair, and that's why i do not know why he wants me back, unless he is worried about income. He knows it went on for years, but has no ill feelings at all. I am the one with the ill feelings. I left both situations on the same day and moved on. And by the way, i was not being a coward. And a coward wouldn't get out of both bad situations together, at the same time. I was feeling bought, sold and used. No more. I am happier now. And, i was not unhappy with my spouse at the time, i was in a situation and i took the wrong path. I am only human, but he was not there to pull me out, when he knew what was going on. I was bringing home fox coats, 50k dollar bonuses and three cars. He knew. And when i quit, multiple times, he would grab me and tell me we couldn't live this lifestyle, if i quit, that our kids couldn't go to college. Yeah, i was wrong, but now, i feel i did the right thing by moving on.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 08 December 2012 17:18 posted by Guest

    It sounds like you didn't: It sounds like you didn't want to be married. Your husband didn't know you were sleeping with your boss, right? Did you tell him your were having an affair with your employer and because of that you wanted to quit? I'm guessing not. You should feel guilty, because you are guilty. There is no excuse for having an affair, none. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs or whatever the problem, then you work it out or get divorced. You don't start sleeping with someone else while married to someone. That is what cowards do. You and every other wayward spouse have a great big character flaw and will never be happily married to anyone.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 08 December 2012 12:12 posted by Guest

    Numb: I have been married for 16 years and with my husband for 22 years. I am age 36 and have two beautiful young children. My husband has always been extremely selfish and verbally/emotionally abusive. I am the morter that holds everything together. I recently found out that my husband has been on craigslist searching the personal ads. I also have copies of emails where he has responded to ads and asked to meet up with people. When I confronted him he was ashamed and promised to be the husband I deserve and it will not happen again. I believed him but kept my eyes open and am thankful I did not let my guard down as I have done in the past whenever I suspected something. 3 months later; I found craigslist personal ad searches again. When I asked him about it he lied. I told him I have proof and he was silent (so there was my answer). Throughout our entire relationship he has made me feel as though I was "crazy" for the suspisions I have had of him being unfaithful so I sat him down and made him tell me the truth. He admitted to cheating before marriage and after but said "it was just sex" and only a couple of times. It was also my fault because at the time we were not having sex because we were fighting etc...He also said that he can change but I do not believe him. Is it possible for someone who has been selfish there entire life to change? He says he loves and cherishes me but how can you put someone through this kind of pain if you truely love someone? Is Divorce certain?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 07 December 2012 09:18 posted by Guest

    If he doesn't want to go to: If he doesn't want to go to counciling you should still go on your own. At least work on yourself, if you can't work on your marriage. This may help you to figure out who you are and what you want from life so that you will be equipped to make the decision wether or not divorce is the right choice for you. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 07 December 2012 00:42 posted by Guest

    Thank you for understanding. : Thank you for understanding. A few friends tell me the same thing you have told me. My brothers tell me too, that i must forgive myself and move forward. It's just hard when i have so much going on now. My oldest is 20 and pre-med. My youngest is soon to graduate out of high school. They try to support me as much as possible, but are also protecting their daddy because they see him upset and losing weight and not being interested in life anymore. This horrible thing affected many. My old employer's wife filed for divorce. I did tell her the truth as well. Funny thing, she apologized to me for being in the situation i'm in at the hands of her soon-to-be ex. I know life goes on. It's just that, i never thought this would happen to me. Thanks for the advice.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 05 December 2012 22:06 posted by Guest

    OK. Yes you screwed up!! But: OK. Yes you screwed up!! But you have to forgive yourself. I'm sure you blame yourself for everything. You were wrong by starting the affair in the first place but your husband is dead wrong by telling you that you cannot quit. It sure sounds to me that it is all about the money. And as I was reading I was thinking what a jerk. Apparently he doesn't love you or he would've rather suffer from bills and stuff then know that his wife is being treated this way. He sounds extremely selfish to me. Was he not working?? I personally think you need to move on and be happy with just being yourself. Forget everyone else. Your daughter will come to. She loves you and she will forgive you. She was just shocked at first and didn't know how to take it all in. But you do need to forgive yourself and your children will too. Get back on your feet. Stay with the job you have but start looking for a better one. You know they have this thing called tops programs and grants and loans. Your children have to do some work of their own to. I dont know their ages but if they havent went to high-school yet then when they do go its their turn to bust their butt and keep their grades good then they can get scolarships. I think you have went long enough living for everyone else except yourself. Your kids are important but you need to focus on yourself right now. Every mom deserves to feel appreciated and loved and deserves to have some time of their own.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 05 December 2012 17:08 posted by Guest

    I feel obligated.....: I feel obligated to be with my husband. We have been together for 7 years, married for 2. We have two children together; 5 and 2. We were 17 when we got pregnant. Since our second daughter was born, I feel like we are more like roommates who have sex. We both contribute to the household and children and we do have sex often. But that pretty much sums it up. We have the same basic core values but I just feel like because my husband "stayed" with me when I was 17 and pregnant and has since worked hard to provide for us, that I should be obligated to stay with him regardless if I am happy or not. I had bad postpartum depression after our second daughter and I am not sure that my husband and I have healed since that traumatic part of our relationship. I have been telling him that I feel we do not communicate well and that I am tired of fighting over silly things. That translates to him that he is a POS. He does not give it a second notion. I just 'deal' with it. I have contacted a marriage counselor because divorce is not what I want, but he has already told me he isn't interested in it. I am just lost.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 05 December 2012 09:13 posted by Guest

    Moving on?: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We were together for a year and a half and lived together when I got pregnant with my first child. We married when I was three mnonths pregnant..after all we were committed already anyway, right? Well What turned into a loving caring family..his mother and sister turned into a controling force of destruction. Passive aggresive, controlling, a little voice in his head on a daily basis. After years of fighting, talking, marriage consulting, emails to his mother, and me being absent at any of his family gatherings its still present in our everyday lives. His family favors his sisters children which I totally get but 5 presents at birthdays compared to my kids one is a little nerve racking now. These two women have caused great havoc in my marrige. My husband WILL NOT go against them at any cost. Even when it comes to his niece repeatedly punching my daughter in the stomach. Our sex life has been nothing in the past five years. My respect for him is gone. He has broken into my emails and computer trying to find evidence of me cheating...bearly lets me out with out a guilt trip worthy of Marie on Everyone loves Raymond. Tried to break into my cell phone. His mother tells him good wives don't go out with out their husbands unless their up to something. I used to be very independant with a lot of friends. I stil have those friends and love seeing them with out him being around to make comments. He has no problem going out with us on girls only nights to keep an eye out on me. His insecurity has made me very unattracted to him...Sex is not an option anymore. We now have two kids 8yrs and 10yrs. I have worked part time to stay home with the kids, and now if I leave I will have nothing....no job, no house, no money, and no heath insurance. Yes I am willing to work full time. But I am 38...no college. What the hell am I supposed to do! I feel trapped. I feel like starting over is just not an option. I feel like it's me against him, his mother, and his sister. A battle I am tired of. I have no fight left in me. I can always tell when he has talked with them. He will come home and just nit pick at the kids, the house, and bills. I am one tough cookie...don't think for a second I am the victim...I am wearing down to a nub. I should have left years ago...no we own a house far from my family and friends...my house is now my invisible prison. Sorry for the spelling errors...I'm just typing.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 05 December 2012 00:51 posted by Guest

    Advice, PLEASE: I feel like i am about to have a nervous breakdown. I have told my story before, so forgive me if you are reading this again. I have been married 20 years. I have been separated almost a year now. The deal is, that i was in a situation at work. This environment provided me with a lot of bonuses, good pay....about 140k a year, several cars, stocks, travel, and more. My employer was controlling me every way possible, as long as i wouldn't leave him, he would "take care of me financially". I found myself in a adulterous affair, and yes, it was for the money. I said it. I am ashamed, and guilty. I tried to quit many, many, times. I told my husband that there were things he was not aware of, and i wanted to quit. He would always get upset and tell me we couldn't live this lifestyle if i quit. My own kids had college money coming out of this. I tried to quit several times over the last 9 years. Each time, same story. The entire community knew what was going on. I would go on trips several times a year, alone, with my employer, i would bring home very expensive gifts and more. After a while, i was feeling very unprotected from my spouse. I felt he was not listening to what i was saying. He ignored the fact that my employer would call or text me 20 times a day after work, tracking my whereabouts and more. When i once again, tried to quit, my spouse yelled at me in front of my teenagers telling me i didn't want to pay for their college and that i could no longer enjoy things like getting my hair and nails done. I was involved in many companies through this employer, doing deals that i was uncomfortable with. I finally decided to leave my employer and my husband....for good. I felt used, sold, taken advantage of, and more. I know i was at fault. I finally told my spouse everything. He said he forgives me and is wanting me to come back. Now, i am about to file for a divorce, and he is constantly texting me photos of us and telling me all kinds of sweet things. I told him this would never work. I actually went out with him and all the hurtful feelings came back when i saw him. I do not want him to even touch me, because for so long, i was sacraficing my body, my pride and dignity to give my family what they wanted. I think my spouse is still in it for the money, because i still bring home a nice paycheck. I am happy alone, but am filled with guilt and pain. Do you think that filing soon would ease this pain, and would anybody want to go back to a spouse that let this go on for 9 years? He denies knowing anything, but like i said, everyone knew. I even came clean with my oldest daughter after she yelled at me for lies and telling me i was bipolar, because i was acting guilty one minute, and trying to act like nothing the next. I feel counseling will help me forgive my actions, but i am stressed out beyond belief because my new job is all but killing me...98 hours a week and very rude people around me. I just have much more going on that i can tell on here, but the divorce situation should be a priority for me. Just wanted to know what anyones thoughts are. I know i will get some negative feedback, but some may have done the same thing, if they were in my shoes. Not sure, but i apologize if i am insulting anyone or if you feel my life is just about worthless, cause that's how i feel.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 December 2012 23:31 posted by Guest

    You only get one life...don't settle: Our situations are so similar but I've been married 25 years. In the process of a divorce now but it's about 20 years too late. Don't hesitate, I'm telling you from experience that it won't be easy and you'll cry a lot. But it's worth it. You deserve a life of peace and someday, you'll find love, true love. And it will be even sweeter because you'll have a greater appreciation for it. You only get one life...don't settle.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 December 2012 23:06 posted by Guest

    I've been married 25 years: I've been married 25 years and I knew when he asked me to marry him when I was 20 that it wasn't what I wanted. I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. Once I was in it, it was nothing but stress for the first 15 years. Financial to start with, then it was his temper and not knowing what I was walking into at the end of every day. 10 years ago I told him I wanted out and he worked the "poor me" victim, guilt trip on me so hard that I stayed. That worked in the past and it became the regular tactic after that in order to get what he wanted. But he's been a lot more subtle and subversive about it. I wanted to leave so many times, I was so unhappy and sad but I was trapped, there was no way I'd put myself through what I did earlier, it was too painful, so I stayed. Then I fell in love with a kind, gentle man we developed a relationship but were found out. I couldn't deny it, I didnt want to. So now we are divorcing and I feel like I'm divorcing a child and it seems like he's piling the guilt on with a shovel it's almost unbearable. I'm sorry I didn't go forward with the divorce before I was caught in affair but now at least I feel like I have something worth fighting for, just me wasn't enough, the life that I now see could be mine...that's worth all the pain.

    If you aren't happy...get out early. Don't wait. If you think it's hard now, try waiting 25 years.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 03 December 2012 12:10 posted by Guest

    You are fed up. Give him the: You are fed up. Give him the choice of either shaping up or you are moving on. You are doing everything by yourself right now so what would make it any different if he wasn't there? You do deserve better and especially your kids. Sounds like he has some issues of his own that he needs to work out and if he is not willing, then things will never change no matter how much it seems or he promises or any of that. Trust me, you CANNOT change a man, he will only improve for a short amount of time and then go back to the same thing. I have been there, don't let him do this to you, you are much stronger than that!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 03 December 2012 04:05 posted by Guest

    Should I stay or go?: After reading these stories, we all have similar concerns. I'm 42, been married for 20 years. We have a teenager with Autism and a typical 11 year old. My husband has always been controlling and self centered. After our second child was born, I was overwhelmed with working full time and caring for 2 very dependent children. He felt neglected and that's when he told me for the first time time that he wanted a divorce. I recognized it as an attention seeking threat. As any person raised Catholic, the guilt worked I tried harder to accomodate everyone's needs and he didn't bring it up again. 4 years later, during a medical crisis with our Autistic child, he again stated that he felt neglected and said he wanted out. It was phrased as an ultimatum: the kids or me. Our son was very ill and was hospitalized at the time, so I made the obvious choice that any mother would make. I was so tired of fighting that I agreed that we should part and told him to just get it over with. Again, he didn't pursue it. I had quit my job to care for our son and stayed home for 3 years. When our son's health improved, I went back to work. He was angry with me for the job I accepted because I did not seek his approval. He stopped helping with household chores and told me that since I chose the job, I could find time to do them. I make more $ than he does and I love my career. He told me point blank that he does not want me to talk about work when I am at home- he doesn't want to hear it. Yet he talks non stop about his work while I listen. I don't know if we ever
    had much in common. At the young age we were when we we'd, I think I tailored my interests to match his. Now, I realize that we have nothing in common. He likes he country, I prefer the city. He likes winter sports, I hate the cold and dream of someday lying on a sandy beach. I'm athletic,he's not. On top of that, he always criticizes me for everything, and refuses to compliment me. He will tell me how gorgeous his friend's GF is, but can't compliment me. We've been to counseling, and he refuses to change. He says "that's just the way I am". I feel like I can't leave because of the kids. Our youngest gets mad at the way he treats me and frequently asks why we don't divorce. The older one thrives with his whole family present and I feel selfish even considering taking it away. Plus he is approaching adulthood and we will be applying for guardianship soon. How will divorce affect this? To make matters worse, I find myself daydreaming about a coworker that flirts with me........

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 02 December 2012 22:49 posted by Guest

    LEAVE sweetheart. I was there: LEAVE sweetheart. I was there in that boat. You didn't make him who he was. It is good that he is seeking treatment. He can use it to be a better father. It is easier for them to get better and be a better dad. Somehow it is different when they try to become a better husband. You can be there for him as a friend and as the mother of his child. And let go of everything else. There is peace after this for you I promise.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 28 November 2012 19:20 posted by Guest

    Know a Divorce is right for me, but what about the kids: I've been married for 7 1/2 years. We rushed into getting married because of ongoing custody issues with his ex-wife (we were living together, but he couldn't have the kids and me at the house at the same time. I got tired of leaving every weekend for a hotel or out of town, so we "eloped" to the court house). While the 7 years haven't all been bad, the bad outweighs the good. About 3 months into the marriage, I went on an out of town trip, and found a chat session with another woman, which consisted of an exchange of nude pictures as well as the last line with directions to our house. He insisted she didn't come over, and I chose to move past it for the sake of the kids.

    Fast forward a few years, and we did get full custody of the kids (mother lives out of the state). I have caught him having conversations with other women multiple times. But, as I am the one to support the kids (at this point, I believe them to be my own in my heart), I've never been able to end it. Over the last 6 months to a year, it has gotten worse. I am now paying 90% of the bills, and almost everything related to the kids. I don't know where all his money goes (we keep our finances extremely separate), but he is always broke. He comes home late every night (gym trips take upwards of 3 hours) and does next to nothing to help around the house. I am responsible for all things related to the kids, the house, bills, everything.

    I am almost positive he is yet again with someone else, but honestly do not care enough to bother checking. We mostly sleep in separate rooms, unless he has an "urge", and comes into our bedroom. If I have any health issues, I still don't get any support or help. But, I have never been able to adopt the kids, so I know that legally I have no rights over them. If we were to divorce, I have no hope of getting any type of custody, and I know that he will not support them or be there for them the way they need and deserve. I keep counting down the years until they are out of high school (5 more to go) and I can escape. It feels like a prison sentence at this point - with no hope of parole. But, I know that I can never leave my kids. However, I am so unhappy all the time, I also don't know how much longer I can continue. My happiness occurs when its just me and the kids or if I'm away for work. I can feel myself getting depressed when he walks in the door. Weekends are intolerable if there are no sports or activities for the kids, because I don't want to be around him. What options do I have?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 28 November 2012 15:32 posted by Guest

    My husband is a cheater: I have been married for 24 years and my husband has had 2 affairs in the last 2 years. I am so frustrated and ready to file for divorce. He has not done anything to make me feel secure in our marriage at all. The second affair was discovered the end of July 2012. He said he ended it with her and he actually kept contacting her for another month. He has put forth no effort into our marriage since. He keeps saying he is sorry and there is no excuse for what he did. But he doesn't do anything to show it. I always told him please never cheat on me, just leave me. He knew exactly how I felt about infidelity. He chose to do it anyways. He said he was missing passion in our relationship. He said he hasn't been happy for many years. I have been so angry, hurt, and humiliated by what he did to us. He did it with the intent of not getting caught and just catching a little fix to keep him happy for a little while. We tried counseling and it just didn't work. He lives in another state for work and comes home on the weekends when he doesn't have mandatory work on the weekends. I didn't move with him because of the placement of our kids in school. I thought things would be ok until our kids would graduate and then they would be on their own in college and then I could move there too. He accepted that also. He started cheating on me the first time, the first month he moved. So he knew what his intentions were the minute he left home. That was the first time he cheated on me. I caught him and then it was a year later, he cheated again. The cheating the second time around was so much more damaging. There was so much more involvement. Lots of lies. He used our house, and our bed. It is so hurtful to think that my husband could do such a terrible thing to me. He can't promise me it won't happen again. He keeps saying if we can't fix this right, we might have more trouble later. The only way that part can be fixed is if he's happy. I'm just so angry and hurt right now, all I want to do is walk away from this marriage. It is hard with having kids involved. He makes me so mad that all I want to do is fight with him. I don't trust him and I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. The girl he cheated with the second time works with him so that is another issue. It just never seems to get any better always worse. My life is a huge disaster!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 27 November 2012 18:56 posted by Guest

    give him a choice: you sound fed up! i would be too and yes your husband is a lazy bum! a year and still no job?! give him the ultimatum. either he finds a job and helps you out financially or around the house or he can hit the road because you are already living like youre on your own!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 26 November 2012 12:43 posted by Guest

    You're 100% correct in being: You're 100% correct in being fed up. You are not crazy, not a basket case, you are human and your feelings about the situation are OK. I know how it feels to be without a job & that's why as a man/provider I hustled so quickly to get one. I think your husband is totally taking advantage of you. You seem hardworking, love your kids etc. so there's no reason for your husbands disregard of duties as a man & husband. Before you throw in the towel, which is so easy. Give it one last shot & be honest with him. Tell him about his laziness and his lax attitude about finding a job, the intimacy also, lay those cards out. After that see his reaction. If he's into it establish objectives (work on resume, job applications) and get the ball rolling, maybe he needs you to light a fire under his ass to get that spark back. If not and it's the same old thing, sad to say you're going to have to move on, because it seems as though you have mentally checked out of the relationship so next is the physical.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 25 November 2012 14:27 posted by Guest

    stuck: I really feel for you and I hope you find happiness. My husband doesn't abuse me but I know what it feels like to be alone and everything you do is wrong. All I am trying to do is fix things so we all can be happy. I end up begging him to love and respect me which just makes things worse. I always ask how did my life end up like this? I always strived for wanting to belong or to be loved and i feel out of ALL the people in the world I picked the one that doesn't know how to love anyone. He only thinks of himself.
    Good Luck to you!!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 25 November 2012 01:15 posted by Guest

    Confused...: My husband and I will be married 3 years in March. The first year everything was great. He worked and I was pregnant with our now 2 year old daughter. We got along, sex was an every night thing but suddenly after our daughter was born everything took a turn for the worse. He is a great dad and he does try to please me but I am just so annoyed and frustrated with him anymore. He lost his job a year ago and still does not have a job. I am working full time 5-6 day work weeks and I am stressed doing it all by myself! He sits home and plays computer games (which is sucking our bank account dry) and video games all day! I have to constantly remind him to do the laundry, take the trash out, bathe the children etc etc. Is it me or is my husband a lazy bum? I am sick of doing everything myself with no help. I hate having to choose between getting food or putting gas in the car to get to work for the week. My children deserve better and so do I! He says he's looking for a job but I didn't know WoW was an application site... I'm to the point I do not want him to touch me anymore and I despise having sex. Anything he says or does sets me off. Am I a basket case or just plain fed up?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 24 November 2012 08:10 posted by Guest

    OMG, that sounds soo: OMG, that sounds soo familiar. my husband likes to be tied up and humiliated. When I got sick and couldn't tie the rope, he wanted other women to come in to tie him up and do that. then they would leave and he would have sex. That is how he kept me going. I wanted sex with him and he held that over my head. He liked to go to strip clubs with me to find these girls.
    I have since left but after I wasted 16 years. Wish I had realized his problem long ago.
    But how do you talk about it with someone? how do you describe it? and it makes it sound as though you went along so why are you complaining now?
    They just have no idea. It just creeps up. They talk you into it once and again and then again.
    Horrible!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 22 November 2012 19:01 posted by Guest

    I relate to you: I have been with my daughters father since I was 17, I am now 20. And he is the exact same way as you described your husband. We are dealing with emotional abuse in our relationship, I have told him to leave twice and he leaves but he convinces me to come back and he's back the next day. I do not love him anymore I was too young and had a lot to learn. Luckily we are not married but it's really hard to let go. Specially because of our daughter. I feel trapped. And it seems to me you feel the same way. I wish it was as simple as packing my bags and leaving. Without the guilt of leaving him. Do what's best for you and your son; you don't want him growing up seeing all the fighting and cussing. It's not good for him. I should take my own advice but it's easier said than done. Good luck!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 20 November 2012 21:53 posted by Guest

    Should I divorce?: Im 21 got married when I was 19 had my son at 20.. We been together since I was 17.. We have fought pretty much since the day we met. We argue over the smallest things but he said that I can't leave him that I can't take our son that we should stay married because of our son. We yell at each other.. We call each other names.. Ill be crying in bed and he yells at me to tell him whats wrong even when I don't wanna tell him.. He tells me its my fault because im always mad about everything.. I do get mad alot alot is my fault but he wont take blame for any of it. We moved out of state so now im away from my family and have no one where I live. I don't drive so im here all day. He doesn't take care of our son the way he should I do all the work which is fine I love my son but he needs to help. I stay because of our son I don't want my son to not have parents that are not together and I want to see my son everyday instead of having to have days away from him so my husband has him.. I don't want to be divorced at 21. Im tired of being sad all the time and angry with him.. We hardly talk anymore.. We don't kiss. He will be at work for 5 or more hours and I don't hear a word from him.. He gets mad if I talk to a guy at work.. I just don't know what to do anymore.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 20 November 2012 11:29 posted by Guest

    understand your problem: I want to let you know i live in a marriage like yours. Be married 24 yrs. Two teenagers. My husband didnt have an affair but he talked me into swinging. What is in your future?? I wish someone would tell us.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 20 November 2012 09:54 posted by Guest

    Similar situation: In a strange way, it's nice to hear that there are other people out there with the exact same story as me. My husband had a 2.5 year affair, starting while I was pregnant with our second child. I have stuck it out but lived in a sexless marriage for 6.5 years. I found someone who fills the void of what my husband has NEVER given me...passion! My husband has recently found his way back to the bedroom (talk about timing) but still does not like to be touched or kissed. I find that I resent him more every day. We have never had great communication so, when I do finally say something, he usually throws it back in my face at some point. He turns it around and makes like he's the victim...just like his affair, he was the victim. Not many people know because he wanted to save face and all that time I was the one who suffered, I was the one who went to counselling, I was the one who lived in the sexless marriage...all because he felt ashamed of what HE did??? Well now, I wish he was having an affair because it would be so much easier, this time around, to walk out the door! I ask myself everyday why I don't do it. I'm scared of the unknown; I'm afraid of the reaction of our two children. We make a good team but that's it, we are only house-mates.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 19 November 2012 21:30 posted by Guest

    My advice is leave now. If: My advice is leave now. If you are not happy in your marriage two months in, it is not going to get any better. My husband is a great man but I've been questioning our marriage before we even got married, like you. Now we have two kids and I am not in love any more. I want out, but I'm afraid. Don't worry about what other people think. Don't wait any longer - you may have kids and that will mess things up. Focus on what you need. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 18 November 2012 01:17 posted by Guest

    Can't do this anymore: I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have never been completely free of stress. We got married young, had a family young, dealt with a major illness (my husband) young, and just struggled. About 5 years ago my husband took a job that he travels often. Our kids are older, but it is still difficult to do a lot of the duties at home alone. I get resentful of him because he seems to not be really here when he is here and is very used to not having to talk to anyone during his job so he doesn't the same when he gets home. I get really mad at him and feel very little love for him. I try to see the love that was there, but as time goes on I see less and less of it. My kids are seeing this loveless marriage playout right in front of them. I know we aren't giving them a good example of what love could be. I am so sad and just want to be happy. I want him to be here for me and I want to want to be here for him. I don't want to walk out on this commitment, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I look at him as a business partner instead of a partner in marriage.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 17 November 2012 21:57 posted by Guest

    I Can't Get a Divorce: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. When we first married we both worked but 5 years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus among other things, and had to quit working. I can't do many things anymore. My husband does the laundry, and dishes. From the outside it looks like he takes care of me and is there for me. On the inside, he always complains about how put upon he is because of everything he does. He works and complains constantly about it. A couple of years ago he let our mortgage go and we ended up filing bankruptcy to save the house. He does nothing around the house as far as maintanance and our house inside is really in need of help. He tells his family all our personal issues from finances to how put upon he is. He buys my prescriptions, but calls to tell me he couldn't buy groceries because he had to buy my medication. I can't take his constant poor me attitude. Did I mention that he's been accusing me of having some secret life behind his back for the past 10 years? He sends his mail from the bank to his brothers house so I have no idea where any money goes. If you ask him, it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. I've taken him with me to therapy but he refuses to go anymore. The therapist actually told me to leave him. I'm staying only because I need his health insurance. I get disability and medicare but I couldn't live without his health insurance. I can't stand to see his face. Before he comes to bed I make sure I take all my night meds so I can fall asleep quickly. I can't watch tv without him talking all through the show so I try to stay in our bedroom when he's home when I want to watch something. He follows me around the house and won't let me be alone. I'm at the end of my rope. The stress is making my illness worse. This paragraph is just the tip of the iceberg as to what I deal with. How to you deal with life when you can't stand your husband????

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 17 November 2012 21:30 posted by Guest

    Mia,within 2 months of: Mia,within 2 months of marriage you already feel like running away from your husband.This is supposedy the stage of honeymoon but it seems not.Before making any decisions,try to weigh everything.Try to talk to him and open up what you feel and see if something will change.If you already did and nothing happened maybe it's time to think. How much do you love your husband!Is there any respect between the two of you? Does your husband understand what you feel? Is he considerate? Do you feel like you're trapped and choked with all what your husband is asking from you within that 2 months marriage? Are you willing to give more months to try to make it work?
    If all or most of your answer is NO,I don't think that's healthy.If you're feeling like you want to give up your marriage now,do what you think will help you.Good luck!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 16 November 2012 15:49 posted by Guest

    Too soon for the D word?: I wish I would have never gotten married - then I could just break up with my husband and would not feel like there is so much more at stake. We have only been married two months and I have already started to feel like this is the wrong choice for me. I admit I felt there were some times during the engagement and wedding planning where I just wanted to call it all off but I thought it was just the stress of planning or something else. On paper my husband is perfect - good job, good family, doesn't cheat (I think) and is a nice guy by all accounts - the only thing is that he expects me to be a super woman. I work full time and he expects me to not only work but to also be a total housewife - cook, clean, do all the shopping, look good, spend copious amounts of time with his family, be part of his social circle. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day or if I wanted to try and meet his "ideal" I would have to wake up at 5am and not stop doing work until midnight. When I complain about these "expectations" he tells me that is what being a wife is about. I ask him to help me and once in awhile he will unload the dishwasher or maybe vacuum the rug but then he acts like he should get some kind of medal. To make it worse, he throws the fact that he pays the mortgage (to the house he bought before we were together btw) in my face and justifies that we are contributing evenly. I feel like I am not a wife but a mother to a full grown man who refuses to do anything for himself. I don't really want kids but I feel like I have one. I mean he still goes over to his mom's house everyday for lunch! I also feel like I am never going to be good enough in his eyes because of what I think are his unrealistic expectations but I dont know what to do. Maybe part of me just doesn't love him enough to want to do all those things. When I picture being single, back in my own apartment without him, not having to answer to anyone and just being able to do my own thing I get very sad - I really miss my old life. I am 30 years old now and I don't want to be in an unhappy marriage for a long time, I would rather get out now while i am still "young" and move on. Advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 15 November 2012 22:05 posted by Guest

    Sounds like you've become: Sounds like you've become codependent on him being around. It's so easy to lose sight of our own value when we tolerate behavior such as what you've described. Your intuition is that gut feeling you have about not feeling like you can trust him, and it's usually fear that causes us to ignore it. Guilt can be an excuse to stay in a situation because it's more familiar to be unhappy, and scarier to make the choice to change. You're essentially maintaining control by choosing what you can count on-being unhappy and fed up. You're right, it all boils down to when youre tired of being sick and tired. Sadly some women tolerate this kind of bs the better half of their lives before they finally decide to wake up and take back control. Then they have to deal with not only the challenges of starting over after so much time has been invested in a dead end relationship, but also the pain of so much time wasted when they could have been loving themselves, and living for themselves. What do you want to do with the rest of the one life you have been given? Can you see yourself fulfilling your goals and aspirations if you stay in the situation you're in now? Are you living the example you want your child to internalize and learn from? What are you teaching them about relationship standards, and love?
    Good luck.

  • Comment Link TDay Thursday, 15 November 2012 13:53 posted by TDay

    I am in the same BOAT!: My husband never gave me time... Always seemed to have someting more important to do - work on the truck, work on his Mom's house, make a pond... would leave me home alone with kids on most weekends. He always seemed mad, negative about most things, never enough time. We are both horrible communicators...we have been to therapy. I have read sooo many books about relationships. He did have an affair while I was pregnant with my daughter... I took him back! I was soo scared to be alone with 2 young children. We went to a seminar and it opened my eyes - focus on yourself and be your best - Mom/wife/etc. I started taking me time and really started noticing how negative he was...and how unhappy I was. I tried it all..meet him at the door with a kiss, cook his favorite dinner, pamper him - nothing! He can do anything...fix anything kind of guy and doesn't abuse me, but I feel abused! I told him I wanted a divorce and now I have a new husband? He seems perfect, but I don't believe it. We are on our 3rd month and I am starting to see the old him... During this time, I have found or talking to someone that makes me laugh again! Ugh, timings awful, but it makes me feel less alone and wanted. I thought with him being gone on many weekends that I was not attactive, not important, not smart, you name it I have thought it. I also resent him...the holidays will be interesting, but I want our kids and us to be together, but at the same time it is sooo hard.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 14 November 2012 13:35 posted by Guest

    stuck: I am repling to you, because i understand how you feel. I am 43 years old and i have been with my now husband for 27 years, we got together when he was 15 and i was 16 (with a newborn son). He stepped up to the plate as a father to my son then and even though he wasnt the best father, he was a good father. We had a daughter together four years later & he again was a good father. We were both so young when we started our family. He had a lot of friends and they liked to drink & smoke pot, but coming from a kinda boring yet perfect little family i thought it was cool and fun. Well he became verbaly and physicaly abusive & verrrry jelious (which i thought was because he loved me so much). He would either say it was my fault or he was sorry & i would be a dumb ass and say ok. Now that im much older and wiser i realize he was just abusive and still is and it has nothing at all to do with love or even me for that matter. He really is my best friend (as stupid as that sounds) he is now an amazing father & he's a great provider for me, but i have wasted years on a man who had so many possitives BUT that no excuse for a man to beat on a woman. Ive had people tell me they thought my eye was normally black because it seemed as if my eye was always black from him. Ive also been chocked to the point ive almost passed out & ive been knocked unconsious 2 or 3 times with the most resent time a year ago this past October. I completely understand that you feel stuck BUT your not, please dont be 43 years old and look back at your pathetic life and wish you'd done things different, trust me it's a horrible feeling, knowing your life is half over and youve spent most of it unhappy and abused. I have a 22 year old daughter & thank god i raised her to be strong enough to know not to put up with anything like this, and i have a son who would NEVER put his hands on a woman. I dont know you but in a way i AM you, just a older version, so please head what i am saying and do whats best for you and those babies & either leave, call the cops...something, because your life is too precious and short to let some coward put his hands on you.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 13 November 2012 18:55 posted by Guest

    Does he still love me? : I have been married for two years now. I left my entire life behind to be with him in france. It was beautiful in the beginning he made me feel beautiful and so very happy. After about 3 months of moving in with him things started to change. He became secretive, he made it feel very uncomfortable going out in public. It was like when we went out we could not talk he seemed so paranoid. I didn't think much of it at the time. We had many arguments, but we always made up shortly after. I thought this was normal, but when we decided to move to England a decision we both thought was great things started getting worse. It seemed like he developed a certain type of hate against me his tone when he spoke to me and his body language all changed. I did ask him if he is okay was he happy here in England, he replies yes he is. He is never in the mood to make love, not even on our wedding anniversary. I feel neglect that I am not attractive to him anymore, or the arguments have pushed us away I just don't know. I still love him, but I am starting to resent him to even be around him because I feel like he does not love me. I know he has talked to girls in the past and have caught he said he doesn't do that anymore. How do I know he is telling me the truth? I am feeling depressed and alone. I sometimes sit there and think that what mess have I gotten myself into. When are things going to get better.....Sigh advice please.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 13 November 2012 16:08 posted by Guest

    Why would you be with someone: Why would you be with someone that doesn't help you? If he is that unwilling to help with anything, then it is obvios he doesn't want to be there either.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 12 November 2012 11:58 posted by Guest

    Hang in there and find your inner will: You are afraid of being alone. Of starting over. I would be too - it's a hard world out there and I sometimes wonder if I'm better off just staying in my failed marriage than facing the realities of making it on my own, alone, and at rockbottom. Where are we supposed to find the will to do this?

    I'm sorry this is happening to you. His family sounds awful, and despite your efforts, you don't even recognize yourself anymore. It's so sad -- I pray that you eventually find the strength to do what is best for YOU. Whatever that may be. Life is too short to live like this.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 12 November 2012 09:56 posted by Guest

    I'm just not that into him anymore: What does it mean when you can’t stand to be around your spouse anymore? Well this is how I feel all the time. I’ve been married for almost two years but we’ve been together (off and on) for at least 9 years. We have one child together but he has three children from previous relationships (two of them within the nine years). I thought I would be able to handle him and his baggage but it is taking a toll on our relationship and honestly I don’t think I can ever trust him again. But for some reason I keep taking him back and even agreed to marry him…after he gave me an ultimatum. Now I just can’t seem to be happy with him. He’s working again but he still can’t afford to pay his part of the household expenses. He’s always late paying the bills, we’ve had our lights, water, and cable turned off because he would go two to three months without paying them. And all of the bills in my name. My son has no health insurance and I can’t afford to get insurance through my employer because that will be more money out of my paycheck and less money to pay the bills. He doesn’t help me when my son need clothes and shoes for school, he doesn’t help pay for extra curricular activities my son is involved in, he doesn’t help to pay for summer camp every year, and he hardly helps with my son’s birthday and Christmas gifts. I’m to the point where I want to file for divorce so he can get his life together and I can repair mine. But I don’t want to hurt the relationship between him and my son. If his dad was not living in the same house as us, my son would have a hard time dealing with it. So yes, I am still in this relationship mainly because of my son. I don’t know what I should do. My heart tells me to stay and deal with it but my gut and my mind tells me he is taking advantage of the situation and he need to go. Maybe when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I will change the situation!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 11 November 2012 16:28 posted by Guest

    Is it time for the D word: I married the man I loved, 1year later he got layed off and we were expecting a child. I then had to look after all the bills in the home, he then went on depression and we had to go see a psychologist which had t pay for . he then decided to run away from home for 3 days in the wild, his folk and I then decided he must go back home(another country). Its now 3years later, I have had to look after my daughter and household on my own, i am deep in depth and i have had my parents helping me out for 2years in this mess. He has not visited us for a year now even though we Skype. For 3 years now - He has been saying i will only respect him when he has money. I loose it with him as I dont understand how can a man not look after his family. I have no strength left in me, I have not been sexual for over a year and waiting for a man that is no longer the love of my life. I'm worried this might continue for ever. When i asked him if we should divorce he said he wants to stay married. Am i going mad or do most marriages go like this?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 11 November 2012 13:30 posted by Guest

    My husband is on the phone: My husband is on the phone with some women and he said that it was not like that. But he emails he and said that he miss her... We have just been marry for 5 months .. I want two go befor I hurt me..

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 10 November 2012 09:31 posted by Guest

    Don't know what to do: I am so very confused about what to do - maybe someone out there has some advice. My husband and I have been married 7 years this next January. We were so perfect together in the beginning - I had known him as a friend for years. The summer of 2005 we began talking and we realized we had strong feelings for each other so I uprooted my 10 year old daughter & moved her & I to the town he lived in. We married within 3 months of moving in with him and his two children from a previous marriage and the first 6 months were amazing. We were perfect for each other. But then out of the blue his mother sent him an email about how she would get out of his life because I hated her. This came as a surprise to me because I always offered to help her and had no bad feelings toward her. After the initial email she would be nasty to my daughter and I whenever my husband wasn't around. He had asked me to not rock the boat with his mother to just let things go so for several years I didn't defend myself to her nor did I defend my daughter. I just let it go hoping it would all blow over. During that time we also dealt with nasty, bitter comments and hateful acts of theft and terrible mind games on his kids from his first wife. After awhile we found that his mother and ex wife (who hated each other during his marriage to her) were now friends. Other members of his family became friends with his ex also and several times I found myself defending my daughter and I against horrible comments by them. This of course took its toll and I eventually felt like he was constantly taking his mothers side & fighting with me about his other family members' issues. I found myself in a whirlwind because I've always been known as a caring, kind and professional woman. I made a career out of caring for the disabled & was being accused of being hateful and rude. He and I found ourselves fighting constantly and I threatened to leave constantly but I have never been able to actually leave. The truth is my husband is a terrific man devoted to his children, helpful, fun and above all else does almost everything I ask of him. He has come through for me in every way except when it comes to his family. I realize I wish I had left years ago because the price I have paid was with my daughter. Our relationship changed and she has seen us fighting over the years. Now she will be leaving for college in a few months and I feel I have missed out on time with her but financially I don't want to go because of all of the special things for senior year may not happen if I leave. I am not entitled to child support because even though my husband promised to adopt her, he never did. The sad problem is this, years ago the stress and arguing made me want to leave and I could have walked away with my pride. Now, I see the last 2-3 years I have become a major part of the problem. Of course his entire family hates me and continues their snarky attitudes but I went from patient and kind to majorly depressed, obese and yelling and angry all of the time. I get so mad when he is screaming at me I throw things and cry like a bratty toddler. His parents bought him a house that I currently live in with him and I was told if we divorce its me who has to move out. My career failed because he couldn't handle me traveling and so I'm an entry level cna with no friends or family in this town. I am so mad and do not want him to walk away with a home, his family support and half of everything while I have to start over. I keep begging him to work on this train wreck with me because I feel if we could go back to where we were before his mother interfered we could be great once again - and the the next minute I want to stay because I'm mad that I look like the beligerent fool. Why can't I let go? I read my words and the answer is shouting itself to me. Why did I let this change me into a pathetic, friendless loser who has nothing but regrets? How do I move on with my life when I'm so emotionally bankrupt and financially needy? What is wrong with me?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 09 November 2012 00:02 posted by Guest

    time to bail: I met my husband a week after I broke up with my finace and we married 4months after that. The first six months was wonderful and then I saw his true colors. He has been through six jobs in 5 years. I had to file bankruptcy on my house and move into my fathers home because of his inablity to keep a job. I have a professional career and make decent money so at this point I do not neet any finacle help from him. He is over bearing and controlling with me and my 16 year old daughter who has a year old son that also lives with us. He went as far as to grabbing her the other night and tried to force her out of my father's home. She and her biological father filed for a restraining order on him but he has not been served with the papers yet. He always apologizes after an outburst and tries to blame all his actions on everybody else. I can't stand for him to touch me anymore and resent him so much for failing to provide for the family. He also has been aggressive toward me even though he has not ever seriously hurt me or my daughter physically. I want him to leave so bad but I'm just terrified of being alone. He tries to make me feel sorry for him because he has nothing but my family around to rely on. I don't hate him but I don't love him. I just want him gone.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 08 November 2012 21:03 posted by Guest

    Confused: I am a 32 year old woman my husband is 36, we have two kids a 10 year old and a 7 year old. He is finally seeking help for his issues but it took me saying i was getting a divorce to do so. He is Narcisstic, controlling, very much a guy who thinks he knows whats always best. He is a good man tries to make me happy and our kids.
    The sex has never been good ive never been able to open my eyes during and its always hard and fast for him he cant go slow and taht is painful for me. We have had issues in the past where he would come up behind me and have sex with me while i was breastfeeding my daughter in bed. He is sorry for all this and there is so much more.
    He thinks if I give it time I can feel for him what he says he feels for me. The thing is I havent felt this for a long time we have been married 12 years together for 15. I have been in therapy for 2 months and it has made me see many things and im finally allowing myself to feel. I did meet a man who made me feel, and this is after the plans for divorce were implemented so that did not play a roll in my decision.
    I feel bad for him we r good friends but i want more in my marriage, is it wrong for me to leave him when he is trying to get better?? I just resent him and feel gross when he goes to touch me and i dont wanna feel that way anymore. I dont feel like i should toward a husband/lover and i cant ever remembering feeling that way. any insight would be appreciated

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 08 November 2012 01:11 posted by Guest

    I honestly need to say that;: I honestly need to say that; Sweetheart, it is time to leave him. I have been married for ten and a half years and my husband has been emotionally and mentally abusive and each time he runs out and abandons me and our kids I feel that pain cut deeper.
    My situation is quite complex but nowhere near as crazy as yours and I know I deserve better treatment.
    Why don't you love yourself enough to realize that you deserve to "live"? You need to see that about yourself and see that what he is doing is destroying you inside, and (in no doubt) your son.
    I haven't gone through what you have, but if you read what you have posted as if it was someone else, what would you say to them? Is there any way to reconcile that kind of abuse? Obviously not. The choice is yours, but ask yourself; do you really want to waist anymore of your life feeling that kind of pain from one who professes to be your husband?
    If you decide to leave but you're not sure how to do it, or how to afford it, go down to the state care or workforce services and ask to speak with or direct you to someone who can help you in your abusive situation. You have your rights and can go down and speak with someone in the police department. There are so many who are willing to help women like you.
    The hardest part is making that decission that enough is enough. Once you do, it is a painful and liberating process that gets better.
    *hugs* my heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to find the stregnth you need.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 07 November 2012 17:01 posted by Guest

    reply: This seems like a case of to much to fast,as im going through the same with my. husband,i met him very
    On in my life. I have love for him, just not in love with him, we have 2 beautiful kids, but the love just isn't there for me. The best thing I think you can do is ask yourself if life without them would be better without them. I think I might ask fora separation so I can clear my head and find out who I am..not sure if this helps but I guess I took the time to reply to vent as well.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 07 November 2012 16:38 posted by Guest

    seriously?: She's going through her change? In her early twenties? You are an idiot. And I'm not sure why you are posting on this site. It's for venting and advice. Not stupid remarks. And also, please learn to spell.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 07 November 2012 15:08 posted by Guest

    what?: Dolly, I'm sorry for your loss but why did you ask the questions "is it time for divorce"? It sounds like that decision was already made for you.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 06 November 2012 15:41 posted by Guest

    HELP PLEASE!!: Hi first of my husband and I have been marry for almost 11 years I was only 15 when we got together I had my son at 16 and he is now almost 10, I have been trough alot with him at first it was all his nights out for days drinking without coming back or even a call later then the abuse rape me when drunk, verval, emocional and black eyes all of the above like you can imajine, I used to blame my self because I thought it was my faulf for confronting him when he was drunk about why he didnt come home or called to at least let me know he was okay then it when from abuse to cheating with multiple women to almost killing me shooting at my car when I was trying to leave after a punch to my face becuse he thought there was something going on between me and his friend he brought over to the house to drink that night, I just been hurt in so many levels I cant get back to sanity any more its has reached behond my reasoning im now 26 and still confused I know I don't love him any more even though he has change and not cheat or get lost drinking for days any more but still that other abuse. 3 weeks ago I went out with my friends got drunk and when I got back home around 5 am he through all my clothes in the living room and told me to leave pushed me gainst the door and hit my head against the door really bad, when I was supposed to be the drunk one :-P didnt leave because don't have any where to go my mom lives here but her house is full if people 3 yourger brthers and 2 older sister I know I wouldnt fit in that house anyway..I want my freedom back and my life if there is anything else better out there or even be happy by myself and with my son. I feel a big gap in my chest and so much pain some times I even feel like disapearing from the map literaly!! every time I see him or talk to him it borther me and feel angry..Want to move on but don't know how? please any advise

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 06 November 2012 14:32 posted by Guest

    What to do? : My husband and I have been together for 12 years, we were high school sweethearts. We have teo children, one 4 year old and a 7month old. I have always worked and had job security. He on the other hand cant seem to keep a job for more than 3-6 months at a time. When we get on our feet and get our own place, he does great for 3-6 months then we eventually have to move out bc he has lost his job and I cant afford to support our family and all the needs. This has happened atleast 4 times already, and we have to move back in with my parents. I dont know what to do anymore, I have delt with this for to long. I have made so many work suggestions to him, have had many people try to get him a great paying job and he doesnt go fill out the application or just lies to me about going. I'm at my wits end with him and his lieing about having a job or lieing about going to find a job. Help any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 05 November 2012 09:51 posted by Guest

    .....Your paragraph made me: .....Your paragraph made me cry. I'm 37 and considering separating for a slew of reasons, unrelated to yours...but I can NOT imagine what you must be going through. You are a woman who DESERVES better. Only you know what to do, and I think you already know it. Find the courage, find the place to go - a safe one for you & the kids...look up the address, find the phone number...take the first step. It won't be easy at first, NOT AT ALL, but after you get through the tunnel - there has to be light. Find that light, find the courage ...hardest thing is the first step. You have no justification to staying where you are. Your kids deserve NOT to see that..they deserve to have a mom who is happy & safe. Find safety first...happiness will come in time.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 03 November 2012 20:53 posted by Guest

    Hi, Im sorry u have to go: Hi, Im sorry u have to go thru all this, but the only way u can get out is to leave, especially for your sons sake and yoirs. You have a salary and this man will continue to abuse you because you stay and put up with it. Thinl of the example u are setting for your son in whats acceptable in a marriage. Abuse or safety and respect for ypur and his future. Forget your husband and be strong and leave and live witjfamily or friends if u can. You will meet someone else. Just stay with someone u know or family, .

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 02 November 2012 22:31 posted by Guest

    Tired of the BS: My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have no children. Actually we have nothing to show for the time we have been together. We met during our freshman year of college and remained friends. The past couple years have been difficult for us both, but we managed to move on. Over the course of 2012 my feelings for my husband have started to wither. I find him repulsive at times, don't want him to touch me, look at me, or even talk to me cause the sound of his voice pisses me off so much. He has changed so much. I am sure I have too. However, my husband is a drunk and gambler. He will take our last dollar to drink. I had to open a secret bank account to save money and pay bills, because he would let checks bounce and our account go negative for a fix. I am so over this and him. I know if I decide to leave it will hurt emotionally. I am not so much worried about me, but more for our extended families.. I am an emotional wreck.... I know I have to leave.....

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 02 November 2012 13:15 posted by Guest

    Lost: I am so confused. I have been with my husband for over eleven years. He used to be very verbally abusive and very, very controlling. He will always want to know where I'm going, what time I am going to be home, an like girl aboved if I am not home when I say I am going to be what was I out doing. I have to make up small lies just to be allowed to do anything. We fight almost on a daily basis. We only have one child together, an eight year old boy. I feel our relationship is the way it is because this is how his parents were. I have been heavily thinking about divorce for about seven years. I always thought something would make it better. It never got better, some days almost worse. I am petrified to leave because he is a cop, an ex-marine, and has major anger issues. He has told me in the past if I leave him he will tell our son how much of a whore his mother is. He's also threatened to kill himself if I leave him because he will not have anything. His parents are both dead and him and his sister do not get along. I feel so bad that he has nothing except our son and me. He hasn't been as verbally abusive in the last six months, but he still has his moments. He wants to always have sex with me and it makes my skin crawl. It is to the point where I will do it every once in a while just to get him off my back and say hurry up and don't go inside of me. I am a well-educated, young woman, but for some reason I am so lost on what to do. I give advice all day long because I am a high school teacher, but yet I can't listen to my own. How do I go about getting out. We have just recently sold our house together and he is pushing to get in another one, but I don't think I should put my name on anything. I fear for my future and my son's future. I don't know how to support him on a teacher salary, what if I am alone the rest of my life, and what if I should just stay for my son. I am really so confused and lost.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 01 November 2012 07:43 posted by Guest

    I have been to my husband for: I have been to my husband for 30 years and hate him more than I can say. I do not Love him, hate spending time with him and loathe having sex with him. I have been abused in the past by this man and I am very affraid of him. He is a bully who knows how scared of him I am, I have told him on multiple ocassions that he likes me being affraid of him. I married my husband when I was 16 and pregnant our 2 children are grown and moved on with there lives and I look back now and wished I would have left him so many years ago. He to has had affairs do not know how many I only know of 2 also he wants me to have sex with other men while he watches I have did it a couple of times but now refuse to continue with that. I have meet a man who I would LOVE to leave my husband so I can persue this but I know I never will. The only way I will ever be free of him is I will have to move away from my family and right now that is not possible. My father is very sick battling cancer and I do not want to be too far away from him. I do not have to worry about my children because thay turned out to be 2 of the best adults I know. So please listen to me if you can get free from this man please do before you are in my shoes, 46 years old and living with a man you hate.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 23:48 posted by Guest

    Should I go or should I stay: I have been married for 21 yrs, within the first 3 we had our first child and he had his first affair. I was raised to make it work, When our children were 7 and 5, he had an affair with my brothers gf (his now wife). Yet again I stayed, I felt I had to because I wanted my kids to have a 2 parent house. In 2000, he started telling me that he wanted to watch another man have sex with me, when we were having sex, I thought oh its just helping him get to where he needs to be, but this has gone on for the last 12 years, and now he's posting on Craigslist for men to come and "do me" and I don't want this, I've told him an he will delete the ads, but not 2 weeks or a month later he's back at it. He went to a prostitute for oral sex, twice. I've been with him so long I don't know anyother way to live. My children are now 19 and 17, one is on their own and the other soon will be, I want to leave but I'm affraid, what to do, someone give me some advice.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 22:57 posted by Guest

    I am wondering whether or not: I am wondering whether or not I should bring it up or if I am merely blowing things out of proportion but here is my story. Met my wife and then three months later she was pregnant. We got married a few months after that and I was instantly stationed overseas away from her for 10 months, 8 of those being my child's first. I then saw her for about 8 more before I got deployed again to Afghanistan and I am finishing up my year. I just notice that when we are together I feel more like friends than anything. I feel like she isn't emotionally mature enough for me and that we don't share a lot of interests together. I also notice that sometimes the physical attraction fades away and the emotional attraction does as well.
    I am heavily contemplating bringing the topic up when I return from theater but I do not know how to. Any advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 18:26 posted by Guest

    I'm so sorry. Turn to Jesus: I'm so sorry. Turn to Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour. You have all the reason to leave him, even from the Christian point of view. He can't take your children away, know that. Also, no worldly possession or amount of money is worth staying in that situation. We have good programs, we have family, we have a church family, people will help you.

    With love,

    Kate

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 16:23 posted by Guest

    Find a goal to work toward: Choosing to stay longer while not choosing to work toward a better marriage is wrong. It won't get better just cause you stay. She probably will not put much in either if she feels there is no use.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 12:18 posted by Guest

    I am so sorry to hear that: I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have seen a few friends of mine go through divorces and it is very hard to prove a mother unfit. You can bring up the fact that he wanted you to abort your child rather than care for it and was out having his own fun all the time instead of helping with the children. As long as you dont abuse your kids he can not take them. If you kepp them fed, dressed, clean (as clean as you can keep children) then there is no way he can take them. A child needs a mothers love and care and no man can supply that. Almost 100% of the time the mother wins. So i think you should leave him and if it goes to court he will end up looking like the bad person and not you if you bring up how he has treated you. I hope i have helped you and wish the best in whatever you chose to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 00:56 posted by Guest

    Letting Go: I've read a lot of stories and they all have similarities to mine. My husband was verbally abusive and the pattern I noticed was he treated me worse when he was or wanted to have an affair. Even asked me to give up our unborn daughter for adoption. Affair confirmed shortly after that request. There were two I know about but I'm sure there were more. Finally after a night of more verbal abuse in front of two daughters I decided to leave. I got my own place and moved out. It's been hard as I do still love him but at some point I have to put myself first. Truth be told I think he already had his next one lined up before I even moved out. We had continued to see each other periodically and of course we would have sex and then he would be an asshole. Yea, my fault he has had everything he wants up till this point. Well its been a year and I'm ready to move on completely. He is NEVER going to change. Should I file the papers and make it final or just move on and wait for him to file?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 00:39 posted by Guest

    I'm sorry. As hard as it is: I'm sorry. As hard as it is you need to leave. Your children need to have a good role model. No judge would award him the kids.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 30 October 2012 22:59 posted by Guest

    Tired of fighting for us Alone: I am 25 years old. Been with my husband a little over 4 years. we met on yahoo personals. We dated for a short time before we got pregnant. We married was pregnant. I know, not the right reason to marry but I was blindly in love. Our dating life wasnt great. He cheated when I was away for 3 weeks. Was seeing a girl when we dated the first time. On our wedding day, he ran off 4 hours away. Sent me an email via facebook saying he couldnt marry me because he didnt love me. He ended coming 10 mins before the weddinng started. My dad asked me 3 times if I was sure this was what I wanted. 3 weeks after marriage, he had a girl texting him pics. He would constantly call a gal-pal when we argued. when I was 7 months pregnant, he started a match.com, i found out because we shared a laptop. I asked about it, he said he was looking for a replacement (to replace me!) mind you, I was pregnant with HIS son. Yes I got moody but I wasn't naggy. I let him go out with the boys, ride his motorcycle. things are alright until a year later when I miscarry, he was emotionally detached from me, he didnt care. I cried every night for 4 months. Then I got pregnant with our daughter, he told me to abort her that he didnt want another one. Again he detached himself from me. 4 weeks after she's born, he had gone on craigslist & found a lonely house wife who wanted FWB (which he said he didnt know what it meant). Here I was home alone with a newborn & toddler and NO one there for support (except my mom). Come 5 months later, i had a bad gut feeling so when he was asleep I took his phone..... he had emailed & kept pursuing the FWB, he went to lunch and spent free time with a friend of mine & had a gall pal sending sexy pics of herself to him. I was soooo angry. (still am a year later) I wanted to leave him, I didnt. he said he'd take the kids from me if I did. SO here I am a year later, my heart is broken beyond repair. Ive seen a counselor by myself because "im the one with problems'. Every time I try to leave he threatens to take the kids from me & make sound to be an unfit mom in court. These babies are my life. My reason to breathe. Im stuck in a corner with what feels like no where to go.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 30 October 2012 02:23 posted by Guest

    EXACTLY my issue. I have 4: EXACTLY my issue. I have 4 kids under 9 here, we live paycheck to paycheck too. Im seeking employment to try to get some money of my own to help before announcing I want to separate. I dont want to put it off so long.... but I dont know how Id afford to live right now if he left....

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 30 October 2012 01:58 posted by Guest

    I dont blame you. I can: I dont blame you. I can understand completely. I met my husband in Fall of 2004. We became engaged in Spring 2005, and married a year later. 6 monthes later, I thought I hadbreast cancer. a month later, found out I was having a baby. A month later, had to get surprise temp custody of a 2 year old and 2 month old nephews. I never could make him understand i was clueless. I had a huge change in my life, responsiiblities I was not prepared for, expecting my first child, still a newlywed, and a sudden mother of a new baby and toddler! It took adjusting, but he never could get it. He never noticed the things I did right, or the things I was working on... it was always the things I did wrong. I tried since 2007 to get him to consider counceling. He says he is fine. He doesnt need it. I'M the one with problems. And If I would just change everything I do we'd be fine. He said the way the kids act, the condition of the house, the finances, our relationship.... it is ALL up to me to fix. Then when I asked if he understood the supreme pressure that put on me, he shrugged. If I cry, he gets angry. We still have the nephews, plus a now 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter. He still treats the nephews with a "stepkid syndrome" even though he is the only father the youngest nephew has ever known. He told me on our anniversary this past spring "If it wasnt for these kids, Id have left you a long time ago" My OBGY saw I was depressed BOTH TIMES while expecting- he told me hubby both times to call him in 2 weeks after the births, to tell doc how I was doing. Hubby never did; doc ended up calling me both times. After my daughters birth I suffered postpartum depression; my hubby never got it. He used to talk to me, do things with me, take walks, window shopping, joking around.... now nothing AT ALL. He says its because of his health (he is only in his 40s) BUT because of MY mistakes he is on anti depressants, which means he has to take medication which affects his overall health, which means he cant do anything with me. In short ((too late for that? lol) It is ALLLLL MY FAULT and he is the victim. The past 2 Saturdays Ive gone to a great redneck bar with my sister (he knows). He elects to stay home KNOWING IM GOING TO A BAR dressed to the nines! The wedding bands are off; came off Tuesday last week due to swelling in my finger.... but I have no desire to put them back on. I told him years ago if he didnt talk to me, Id find someone who would. He has been begged and pleaded with...but he doesnt see himself doing anything wrong. Im seeking employment to get extra money. I want to separate... but will need extra income. Ive read so many Christian things saying divorce is not an option.... but, the MAN had responsibliities to his wife and family, just like the wife does to her hubby and family. If only one is willing to work on it, it will be a sad painlful lonely life and the kids grow up, and they see whats going on. I dont believe in being married and miserable just because you said you would always. People change. And if the man you married becomes a man you'd never consider marrying now... well, you should do something about it. Im trying to figure out how and when to bring it up to him...

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 27 October 2012 20:13 posted by Guest

    am I just postponing it?: I work in the medical field and agree with the therapist. You also sound like you are may be struggling with depression. No reason to ruin a marriage and family.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 27 October 2012 15:30 posted by Guest

    re: help I'm stuck: I hope you are well when you read my response and no harm has come to you, but the first thing you need to do is to RUN! Look up information for battered shelters and you and your kids get there! Take a cab whatever you have to do! I don't know what state you live in but usually in abusive cases legal aid will help you with your divorce. I can't say I know how this feels but I know I wouldn't want anyone in my family to be going through this alone. You need to also file a restraining order. Talk with the people at the shelter and they probably have much more advice that I can give you. I wish you good luck and I will pray for you.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 26 October 2012 22:53 posted by Guest

    you need to leave if not for: you need to leave if not for you...for your children....just think of what they are learning seeing how you are accepting to live and be treated....they will soon think that is normal and that is how women get treated....please reach out to some family member or friend.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 26 October 2012 19:01 posted by Guest

    Am I just postponing it?: Hi I've been married for almost 4 years now and am really considering divorce, sorry if there are a lot of typos my kids love destroying my keyboard. I started dating my wife in Dec 07, she became pregnant about a month later with my daughter. I joined the Army as a medic in May 08 and got married in Nov. Since then we've been together pretty much nonstop besides my deployments to Afghanistan, Aug09-Aug10 and Feb12-Aug12, lately I've been thinking heavily about divorce, and it's not her fault, I don't think she's ever been disloyal and neither have I, however I find myself having extremely minimal physical attraction if any, most of my friends tell me I'm crazy but I don't feel it anymore. I also managed to come back from my last deployment with less money than I deployed with, which she has no explanation for. I know my wife does a lot for me, she tries hard I know, always cleaning, taking care of our kids (son is 2, daughter is 4 and autistic), making meals, and she tries spending time with me, but I just don't feel for her anymore. I've told her how I felt and she insisted I talk to her shrink with her, which didn't go well, he seemed convinced that I'm just desensitized to everything because of my "experiences" I get where he's coming from but that's not the case. I don't hate my wife, I still care about her in the sense that she's a person, mother to my kids and she does have a big heart, which is why I told her she can have everything besides my Cadillac, since she has my old Honda anyway, but after talking and thinking I decided to give it a bit longer, but I still feel like we're growing apart, I feel no physical attraction, emotional attatchment, no desire to converse, and I feel like she's still got the emotional stability/mentality of a 12 year old, I guess I want someone that will mature with me, do you think I should just get it over with?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 26 October 2012 11:58 posted by Guest

    Hi you....

    I read your words: Hi you....

    I read your words and I want to hug you and bring you to my house and look after you. Please please talk to your mother and put a plan of escape into place.... You NEED to leave and save your precious life and those adorable children's.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 26 October 2012 11:07 posted by Guest

    Help..I am stuck: This is gonna be a kinda long story..but i have no one else to tell it to.. I have been with the man that is now my husband since a few months before i was 16. I am now 24. When i met him i was already at a kinda weak point in my life..I was 15 and pregnant. The babies father was not a very nice person and we broke up when i was about 3 months pregnant. I had met my husband once or twice during my early pregnancy but nothin ever came of it. When i was about aix mths pregnant i got very depressed because i felt so alone in my situation. Then i found out that he was asking about me, then one thing led to another and we started datin when i was eight mths pregnant. I was really surprised cause he was so young ( only 16) and wanted to date someone pregnant. He was even there when i had my son and thats when i really started fallin for him. He was perfect..so i thought. Things were great for about two years then i found out i was pregnant again but i was fine with it because i already had one child so that would be him someone to play with. I moved in with him when i found out i was pregnant, and thats when things changed. He showed signs of bein controlling before that, but i ignored them. At first it was simple things like him having to know where i was going, exactly what time i was coming home (when i was a little late i got accused of cheating) . Then he would have to know who i talked to, wanted to see my receipts and checked if the time on them would match the time i said i was there. Then he started getting physically abusive. It started small just like a push a smack etc. Then it got really bad. I have been chocked to the point of passing out, have had black eyes, busted lips, had my hair literally pulled out. And there have been a couple times when he has had loaded guns to my head and had me begging for my life. (We got married before the physical abuse started) I have left several times and each time i come back. I had to quit school so i have no way to take care of my kids and i always vowed to make my marriage work and not just be another divorced single mother. The last time i came back he swore he would never hit me again, and he hasnt in over a year. But now he is very verbally abusive and still controlling, especially if he has no marijuana that he says he smokes so he can stand me and the kids. My oldest son no longer lives with me because of all the stuff my husband used to do and at the time i made the decision to let him live with my aunt i had no way of getting my self out so i decided it would be best if he didnt have to see what was going on. I have three by my husband now. A 6 and 4 year old and we now have a 2 mth old. I admit i do get behind on my housework sometime, what mother doesnt. But is that reason to sit and scream and cuss at me and say im not a good wife or mother and other insults until i am crying? If his food is not served on the table when he gets home from work i am lazy and dont deserve to have a husband according to him. I have to get his clothes ready for him in the mornings, pack his bucket, and when he gets home and showers i have to lay his towel out and get his clothes out for the evening, and if i pick something he doesnt like he throws it in the floor and i have to find more. There is a lot more stuff i could write but i have already written a novel, but i have no one to talk to, i am rarely able to see my family and when i do i dont want to ruin my visit with them with my problems. I am just so depressed and unhappy i dread seeing him come home in the evenings. I needed to tell someone or i was going to explode. Thank you to whoever takesmthere time to read this, i really appreciate it.

  • Comment Link Unfaithful Thursday, 25 October 2012 16:10 posted by Unfaithful

    Casting - Unfaithful: Hi, I read your story and was wondering if you would be interested in sharing it on the show "Unfaithful" which is a current running series on a major TV network. Please email me if you are interested or you can apply online via the link provided. Please include a brief story summary and contact information in the email.

    Thank You

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 25 October 2012 06:11 posted by Guest

    so trapped: We've been together almost 8 years, married for almost 6. Things have been very strained with us lately, but he seems absolutely oblivious. I've had to quit my job because our babysitter quit without notice (our son is autistic, and she decided she didn't want to deal with him anymore), and our finances are down to nil. He does have savings, but refuses to touch them because "we're gonna buy a house someday." He gets violently angry if I suggest we even take a couple hundred out, just to get groceries. I've been going without food, while he and our son eat. He demands that I beg my mother for money (his parents refuse, saying our situation is all my fault). I've been trying to find work, but can't find a suitable sitter for our son.

    Geez, I'm rambling. I'm miserable, I'm unhappy, and I really think the best thing for all of us is if we at the very least separate. He has made threats in the past to harm himself if I ever leave, and I don't want to risk him hurting himself or anyone else. I feel trapped, and I've felt trapped for most of our marriage. I NEED OUT!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 24 October 2012 13:34 posted by Guest

    My husband I have been: My husband I have been married for a year, we got married because we got pregnant. Now our baby girl is 6 months old and he only wants to spend 5 minutes tops with her, if she is happy. If she is crying he wants nothing to do with her, which is all the time now since she is teething. If he does have to change her or get her a bottle while she's crying, he swears and yells at her. He puts me down all the time. I try not to say anything to offend him, except when it slips out or I'm pissed. But when it happens he makes me feel like crap for saying anything. I lost all my friends and the love of my life 2 years ago, since then I've been very reclusive and antisocial. My husband was the first person I had spoken to in months when I met him again (we went to high school together). I ask 3 things of him, take out the trash/baby diapers, wash the dishes (since I reuse mine throughout the day and have gone a week with the same dishes), change out of work clothes/boots right when he gets home (he works with fiber glass) so our baby doesnt get any on her... but he can't do that, I can't even count how many times I have had fiber glass stuck in my feet. I have to ask him 3 or 4 times a day to get him to just do anything. He is irresponsible and reckless. He crashed and totalled my 1996 riced up Honda Civic into my 2005 Neon SRT-4 (both of which I did all the work on). To replace them he went to Cars n' Credit and got a p.o.s. 2001 Dodge Grand Caravan. He is a skilled driver, but I don't want him to speed with baby in the car, he does it any way. And I can't drive the van cause its his, he says. He made over $10,000 worthless in a matter of seconds drifting in my driveway, another thing I told him not to do, and I can't drive the stupid mini van. He got us evicted, and our only place to go is his hypochondriac mother's house... in Nebraska. We live in Minnesota. I have 30 days to figure out if I should get a divorce or not, cause once I am down there it'll be hard to get back.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 22 October 2012 19:13 posted by Guest

    Is it time to divorce now?: I dont know where to go or what I need to do. My husband was turned down for a refinance because of excessive debt to income ratio. He has been self employed for 12 years. He just returned from a 6 day vacation to North Carolina to go to Nascar. He called me at work and wanted me to get him my last 2 paycheck stubs to the other bank and told me he was rejected but did not give me the full picture. He wants to go through another bank and try to secure a refii loan. What I discovered this morning made me feel very ill. He plans on buying 500.00 worth of die cast Nascar cars from someone on eBay and he has already booked a hotel in May of 2013 for another 6 day Nascar trip and put 590 on his credit card! This is not the first time he has had to refinance due to poor spending habits. Our daughter is 12. I am scared and feel that there is something seriously wrong with the way he is thinking! I dont know if I should call a lawyer and get a divorce. He never talks to me about anything and this last March told me, while shaking his fists, he did not want to hear part time and temporary but wanted to hear me get a job full time and with benefits. back in 2009 our daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. She is in remission now, but I was not working for about a year and then i did temp work because she was still gettting some chemo. Nevertheless, he also told me he was going to pay 500 less for the mortgage payment but never did and he will not work on a budget. While what I need to do may seem obvious to you, there is our daughter to consider. My family lives in Florida. I live in Minnesota, and I just started a job this May.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 22 October 2012 10:11 posted by Guest

    I don't even know the first: I don't even know the first step to take.. I'm so lost right now. He actually doesn't expect for me today home , of course I have to do everything that keeps the 'home' running but he would certainly prefer me to work. But he wouldn't take care of the kids , sure he will play with them but not ever take on the watching them alone for more then 5 minutes. I worry about a shelter.. Does that sound weird? Would my kids be safe? And what would that do to them? I am so confused .. Would I be able to pay rent without him ? How would I keep the lights on or keep my kids fed an clothed?! I have nothing .. We already live paycheck to paycheck .. I wish there was a magic button to go back in time to when he was different and wouldn't ever raise his voice to me or the kids..

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 21 October 2012 22:37 posted by Guest

    i totally relate to you. i: i totally relate to you. i have been married for 18 years with 2 children ages 16 and 13. i feel very lonely in marriage because we lack affection, communication, and probably respect for each other now. like your husband, he talks and yell and does not show affection. this and others things that is making me unhappy. i did not anything for mother's day and my birthday this year. i am unhappy . he can give me silent for up to 3 weeks. i really had it and have been thinking about divorce for the past 5 years. i have a job but not financially well off and i am scare to be alone. what if my kids are unhappy for breaking up the family. should i wait until my oldest kid goes off college in 2 years?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 21 October 2012 19:03 posted by Guest

    Broken and alone: You are NOT: Broken and alone: You are NOT alone. You need to get out and take care of you and your kids. Get a restraining order because your husband is unpredictable!!! This is 2012 not the fifties. You can support your kids by going back to school and there is money for women in your situation. You can get childcare and tuition PAID for. Find a women's shelter and let them know that you are afraid. Your husband is abusing you emotionally and probably controlling you by expecting you to stay home with the kids. Get out it will only get worse!!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 21 October 2012 18:05 posted by Guest

    Broken and alone: I have been with my husband 13 years and have three children , we met when I was 16 and he was 21, he is manic depressive an was always able to "deal" fine but until the past couple years when he has been more excessively drinking a six pack or more a day.. Sometime starting at 11am and the stress of the construction world slowing down.. His moods are all over the place , we seem to be fighting a lot, he can be really cruel, half the time he will apologize , but sometime he just doesn't think it was wrong. He is a big survival fan too, which has become way crazy. We live in supurbia and he has been spending his off time not with his kids or wife but outside building a chicken coop and rabbit run ! Yes I said it! He doesn't give a crap my feelings on this cs I am against it. We don't live on a farm but next door to doctors and scientists and the houses are on top of each other! He thinks the world is headed for economic collapse and noone can tell him different. He has extreme highs and that's when he is inappropriate hyper an then other times way aggressive that I feel scared to be around him ca I could set him off if the faintest thing is said or out of place. We are not at all into the sesame things anymore he is has turned a huge corner an the constant drinking is a fight all the time. Our youngest child is one and was just diagnosed with type one diabetes and now more then ever I feel alone overwhelmed an don't know what to do. It's like he is the shell of my husband. I have had the conversation with him a thousand times that I need him to change or try to be more there for me and it's is always on deaf ears. I have noone one but my kids , I have no income and a insulin dependent child and two other school age kids. I feel trapped that even if I wanted to leave I would have nowhere to go, but I am miserable an crying everyday.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 21 October 2012 17:56 posted by Guest

    I have been married almost 26: I have been married almost 26 years. I can relate to all of you who are worried about leaving because you have kids, financial responsibilities, etc. Do yourself a favor and get out NOW if you are unhappy. Don't let kids, finances or your emotions get the best of you. I am almost 50 years old and I have had enough of my husband's controlling ways. He has been responsible in the past, but as he is getting older he has changed a lot and is depressed. He will not get help and drinks to erase the pain. On top of that, he expressed to me that when he married me he did not fully reveal to me that he has a gender disorder. I know that he loves me, but he has tried for years to hide the fact that he feels like a woman. He is passive aggressive and has taken out his anger on me. I feel like a fool. I am educated and didn't see the signs. For many years we had a normal sex life. I feel betrayed and alone. My adult children know and a few trusted family members. I feel guilty for wanting a divorce because I know he is hurting, too. I feel like if I don't get out I will have a nervous breakdown and lose my job! Any suggestions? I am not afraid of being alone, but I am worried my husband will kill himself because he has said it in the past.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 21 October 2012 14:47 posted by Guest

    how to ask for a divorce: I moved out 10 months ago, after 20 years of marriage. Nobody understands, and nobody really supports my decision, because i can't tell everyone the reason. He never cheated on me. It was me who did the cheating, for many years. I found myself in a situation. I got myself into a situation. It was all about money and power. I was bringing home 140k a year, a few new cars were bought for me, cash anytime i wanted, and thousands of shares of stock. We were set. But i had to put myself in that situation to get the things i wanted for my family. I knew it was wrong, and everyone around me knew what i was doing, including my husband. I tried to quit multiple times, and each time i tried, or actually walked out, i was talked into staying. I was feeling used and the guilt finally made me want out. I tried to tell him that things were going on, and he would just tell me i had to stay in the job in order to live this lifestyle. Before i left, i once again, tried to quit, and my husband became angry and told me that i just didn't want to pay for my kids college. After i moved out, i told him the truth, and he just looked flat and said, i don't care, i want you back. At this point, i felt nothing for my husband, and felt that if he truly would have cared, he would have put his foot down the first time i got a bonus check for 50k dollars. We were in a beautiful home, paid for, and had fancy hawiian vacations and stuff. But when my husband wanted to be intimate, i just had an empty feeling. Actually, there was always an empty feeling. I married him due to pregnancy and i tried to make it work. I loved him, but why would he not care about my trips, cash, fox coats, and more? He just would turn a cheek and keep on going. I grew to despise my job and felt trapped in my own home. Now that i left, it's hard to file. He hasn't really tried to get me to come home that much, but my kids seem to think so. He has bought me a necklace and a few cards. But i think i would become severely depressed over the past, if i was to go back. My kids want me to let him keep the house, the retirement, and more. I just have to sit with him and talk, but the tears will hit him and i will feel guilty all over again. He hasn't moved on, but i have. I want to move and i want to start over with someone else. I did quit, and of course, took a big pay cut. But, i am happier now, until he and the kids make me feel guilty all over again. Am i selfish? I know that i was wrong. I feel bad, but what's done is done.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 October 2012 22:29 posted by Guest

    I don't know what to do.....l: I don't know what to do I've been married for almost 2years and have 1 baby we meet when I was 13yrs old know I'm 24 hese a good father and good provider we just seem to argue all the time he states he loves me but makes me cry at least once a week he drinks and tells me a lot of things I love him and I'm scared I don't know wat I'll do without him I'm a professional make enought money for my baby and me but I'm just scared of how I'm going to be without him we argue all the time he use to do everything for me and suddenly he stopped I tell him to leave if he want too but he always tells me that he will leave when our baby is old enought to know it hurts me because it seemed like if he is only with me for the baby we were dating for 10 years I don't know what happened shoul I get a diverse or try to save my marriage...please advise

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 October 2012 18:54 posted by Guest

    I am on the receiving end of: I am on the receiving end of this situation. My fancee of 5 years just left me. I knew he had been going through a hard time, and I had likewise been experiencing a great deal of stress. We did ot see each other as much as we used to because of our schedules. But I loved him like crazy. Then he came hoe one dy and said he was leaving, that he did not love me anymore. I was left alone, with no place tolive, no one to turn to for support. He said that he had been unhappy and had not said anything for years. He did not give me the opportunity to change, and to fix what I was doing wrong. He never brought it up. If he had said to me that he was begninning to have these feelings, and that if things did not change h would be so unhappy that he had to leave, I would have bent heave and earth to fix us. I know that this may not be your exact situation, but I think it is important to consider whether it is worth giving it just one more chance afte you have really and honestly expressed how you are feeling in your relationship and about your relationship. If it doesn't work, then yo can always move on anyway. But how will you know if yu don't try?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 October 2012 15:23 posted by Guest

    Put your wife first.....: To Mr. "I just don't understand".....
    If you truly want to save your marriage then you must stop letting your daughter be in control of your marriage. Don't fool yourself...she currently IS in control. She is manipulating you big-time, and you are not doing her any favors for her future relationships. You say your kids are teenagers? Well you have a VERY small window of time in which to change your ways and be the parents they need to model themselves after to be successful in future relationships. I think you need to honestly examine whether you are putting your daughter in a role as a substitute for your wife. What I mean by that is you are looking to your daughter to fill certain needs that your wife is not. The thing is, your wife may not be filling those needs because she is hurt and quite possibly doesn't care anymore. Before you get defensive, I am not necessarily talking about anything sexual. But certainly there are other emotional needs that you are looking to her to fill that have been lacking in your relationship with your wife. Your wife is angry and bitter because you are not putting her first and she is sick of it. If you undermine your wife's authority with your children in discipline and other areas, then there are bound to be problems, and then of course she will be bitter. Wouldn't you? Your daughter needs you to be the dad and role model for her. If these issues are not addressed and corrected, your children will hit a wall and have a hard time getting through life's issues. It sounds like there is rebellion, mistrust, manipulation, and many other things going on in your household. I'm also going to say that if you are not a believer in Jesus Christ, then I strongly urge you to cry out to Him, and He will help you to heal your marriage. I will pray for all of you, and I mean that.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 October 2012 15:23 posted by Guest

    Put your wife first.....: To Mr. "I just don't understand".....
    If you truly want to save your marriage then you must stop letting your daughter be in control of your marriage. Don't fool yourself...she currently IS in control. She is manipulating you big-time, and you are not doing her any favors for her future relationships. You say your kids are teenagers? Well you have a VERY small window of time in which to change your ways and be the parents they need to model themselves after to be successful in future relationships. I think you need to honestly examine whether you are putting your daughter in a role as a substitute for your wife. What I mean by that is you are looking to your daughter to fill certain needs that your wife is not. The thing is, your wife may not be filling those needs because she is hurt and quite possibly doesn't care anymore. Before you get defensive, I am not necessarily talking about anything sexual. But certainly there are other emotional needs that you are looking to her to fill that have been lacking in your relationship with your wife. Your wife is angry and bitter because you are not putting her first and she is sick of it. If you undermine your wife's authority with your children in discipline and other areas, then there are bound to be problems, and then of course she will be bitter. Wouldn't you? Your daughter needs you to be the dad and role model for her. If these issues are not addressed and corrected, your children will hit a wall and have a hard time getting through life's issues. It sounds like there is rebellion, mistrust, manipulation, and many other things going on in your household. I'm also going to say that if you are not a believer in Jesus Christ, then I strongly urge you to cry out to Him, and He will help you to heal your marriage. I will pray for all of you, and I mean that.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 October 2012 04:07 posted by Guest

    is it time for a divorce: The way you discribe the above situation was me exactly. I was 18 years younger than my late husband. our marriage started out with problems from the beginning but we loved each other and we just kept trying to keep it together. He left 3 times in 18 years and the last time when he wanted to come back I told him if he left again I would never take him back... little did I know that those word became truth in the most literal sense. He shot and killed himself...
    there had been some really good times but each time it would start out good after he'd leave and then come back but eventually things would deterioate and get bad and he would leave ..he stayed gone two weeks the first time ,6 months the second time and 9 months the third time.. each time leaving me in financial ruins where I would have to try to keep things going and the last time he was sleeping in one room and I slept in another. so things were "stalemate" . I had given up on trying anymore... our last arguement he decided to ended it for good. and that he did.
    Now he left me not only in financial ruins by cutting my income in half but he left me with the guilt because we were argueing and after the arguement he shot and killed himself...

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 18 October 2012 21:43 posted by Guest

    Advice: My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 11. We have 4 children together. When we met back in high school he and I were really close friends, nothing more. A few years after I graduated we had both been going through some rocky relationships and somehow we clung to each other for help and support. That turned our friendship into a relationship and is wasn't long after we started dating that he proposed marriage. At first, I was hesitant because I didn't feel the same way about him as he felt about me, but my past experiences made me think that marrying a friend was a better option since love fades.
    After alot of issues, including our families doing their best to keep us apart, we broke up. He was there to help me when I left my first husband after a bout of abuse. We eventually got married despite everyone's objections.
    Over the first few years I was dealing with depression, trying to pretend like everything was okay and would eventually work out. He did his best to be understanding and pushed me to become something better than I was. We both went to college and worked while starting and raising a family. I earned two bachelor's degrees and he earned his bachelors and his masters degree in the first 9 years of our marriage so I feel like I owe alot of my success to him.

    Unfortunately, in the last three or so years I have felt lost in his shadow. He is very driven and usually accomplishes his goals without much trouble. Me, however, feel like I have to fight for everything and never get anywhere. When I try to talk to him about it, he generally just gets angry with me and has walked out a few times. He thinks he has to solve every problem that I encounter, without realizing that sometimes I just need to talk. I have to be blunt with him and tell him to just put his arm around me and listen, but he never does.
    He has always had an issue with anger management. The only way he knows how to express himself is to yell and cuss. It has gotten to the point that I fear leaving my children at home with him because all he does is yell at them. Being a mother, I have taken that on myself. When he is in that type of mood, which is everyday, I take it on. I get him to turn his attentions to me instead of letting him take it out on the kids. It used to hurt my feelings, but lately it just makes me mad.

    Most days I don't even want to talk to him and we all (me and my children) feel like we are on eggshells with him all the time because we never know what is going to trigger his rage.
    Admittedly, I am pretty submissive and I fear him alot. That could possibly be contributed to past experiences.

    It has gotten to the point that I have considered divorce, more for the sake of my children. Most of my family and friends support the idea of me leaving....his parents included....because they feel as though he is not treating us the way we should be treated.
    It is hard to know what to do. I do care about him alot and owe him alot in my life. I don't want to let the opinions of other influence my decision and I am honestly scared of what he would do if I left.
    Any advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 18 October 2012 11:49 posted by Guest

    Maybe?: You could be right. I have no clue anymore. I feel as if my energy is being sucked right out of me. I sometimes feel like ending everything and walking away, but my heartaches at the thought of that. I can say that i do feel stuck sometimes. I want to be happy in a better place with him, but whenever the talk about our relationship comes up he gets angry. His father was bitter towards his mother and he had a very dysfunctional family, but he is away from that and he have had many talks about that. I feel I have offered my help and advice. What do I do now. Do I go on being miserable because he says everything is fine?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 19:31 posted by Guest

    deal breaker: That will be a bigger problem the longer you are with him. Either he gets a job that he can keep or NEXT! God made him.to be the man. You are not the man. Man up.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 19:23 posted by Guest

    is he a sex addict maybe?: My heart breaks for you. He needs help, not from you. Check out new life ministries.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 19:19 posted by Guest

    if you are young....: You don't say how old you are, but I'm certain ur young? Biblically, you can leave. He's a cheater if you described him accurately. Get out now so u don't lose your looks, income, dreams etc. You can have a fresh start. Just make sure you deal with the dumb baggage he handed you before u get into another relationship. Bless you.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 16:26 posted by Guest

    This is not a husband he is a: This is not a husband he is a room mate and why are you okay with paying half. He needs to take care of you and your child it is his obligation and responsibility... Be strong if you don't stand up then he will always expect this for you to pay half... you are not okay with it so don't! His family sound like they taught him to be like this too.. Sounds like you don't want him so don't feel sorry for him that is not a husband... let his ass go. You are not brought into this world to take care of a man!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 15:22 posted by Guest

    i married a minipulator: Im am 27 years old with 2 children from a past relationship, I stayed single for 2 years to clear any baggage I carried and when i was ready to date I met my husband via Facebook, he was in the media for a death of a son but I never knew much about it, everything was good,he was good to me and my daughters , we became pregnant right away , when I was 6 months preggo, we found out his ex just gave birth to his 3 rd son , he told me their relations ended 2 years before we met and that he slept with her to get back at her ex :-/ and now she's still in the pic,because he and his mother have to kiss her overweight Ass to see his son and from that grandma doesn make time for her gbaby becuz it would cause drama, I don't have a fb now bc he talks to other women , we married June 2 we seperated 3 times all adding up to a month and a half, he makes excuses for everything n uses his sons death as an excuse for everything, today is my late moms 60th bday and I'm am gettin the silent treatment still from yesterday becuz I made a coment bout his ex and her savageness , Im lost, I'm sitting here while he ignores me and I don't know if I should stay or leave, there's so much more to my story bit so lil time, help, I need advice, my sister is tired of hearing bout my marriage n I don't have my male bestfriend anymore due to my jealous husband, sorry for the spelling

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 12:12 posted by Guest

    SO confused....Help!!!!: It is actually my second anniversary tomorrow, but I just dont know if I am actually happy in my marriage. At first everything seemed great, but when we moved in together after a month or so things seemed to change. He seemed like he did not trust me and seemed as if he was hiding or holding something back. I asked him if all was fine and if he was happy with me etc, he assured me he was. Again things felt good, but after a few months I discovered his old texts and photos of old gfs....which were still on his phone I felt shattered as to why he still had these msgs and half naked pictures of them. I walked out and he came running after me apologized and allowed me to delete all those msgs and pictures. From then on I our relationship seemed like it lacked something he never wanted to get intimate, it was always me initiating it. I still for some reason thought things were ok. We got married months after and moved to Canada from the UK where he is from. Things were going good we were happy. I came back from work early and heard him talking to a girl...he quickly hung up and got angry to why i didnt call him before i got home....I thought I would surprise him...Huge argument. Moved past that as well, but then phone bills were getting higher, he wouldnt answer my calls when i called, he seemed cross at me all times when i would bring up the talk about sex....He was too tired not in the mood.....I feel alone and depressed dont know who to turn to i feel drained and feel like i am ugly i have gained weight due to being upset about this...Any talk about the relationship has started turning into anger and abuse....if i say i am unhappy he says then go find someone else....I do love him, but does he still love me I cant even bring up the courage to be without him....I hear my heart breaking....please help!!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 01:04 posted by Guest

    Sorry to say this, but you: Sorry to say this, but you are absolutely passive-aggressive. Look at what you are writing. What responsibility do you take in this situation. Your wife gave up her career to be your wife and the mother of your children. The relationship between a mother and a daughter is a fine line. However, your daughter is definitely playing two sides to the middle and you are choosing your daughter over your wife. In the meantime, you are making excuses about doing so. What are you going to do when your daughter leaves the house? If you do divorce, how do you think she would feel about any other woman in your life? You need to support your wife first and foremost.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 16 October 2012 20:27 posted by Guest

    I NEED ADVICE: I have been married for two years. Since I had my child my sex drive has not been like it was before we got married. We argue do to this, i think its a result from stress from work, school, and home. My self-esteem has slowly shut down since I found out that how much porn he actually watches, to the point that I cant look at his phone or computer w/our seeing something that leads to a porn site. Recently I noticed he is not looking at people having sex but just women stripping and touching themselves and stuff. Just last night he received a text from some women the number was not saved to his phone and the message was not compromising at all but when I asked who it was he kept giving misleading answers. All i asked him to do was to ask the girl not to call or text after 10pm (i just find it inappropriate for a married man). He refused to do it and claimed it would be disrespectful, which was B.S because even after the girl said her name he claimed he was not sure who it was. Today when I checked his phone I noticed he totally made up a stupid excuse to text the women and was very flirtatious ex. "So you are ignoring me? Wait til i see you in class." ,"you better not pull that again : )". Im really contemplating to just leave him. I am a full-time Engineering student and my only goal is to prepare myself to provide a better life for my daughter, I can't do it having to worry about what he does. From what I see, I will always be a mother and the way he is acting our relationship is not promised.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 16 October 2012 16:22 posted by Guest

    I have been with my husband: I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 5 years. We have 2 kids. One of them is his from a previous relationship. I have taken her in as my own since she was 2. Things were good for the most part a few things i would have liked to be different from the get. I just assumed that everyone has faults including myself. As time has gone by i feel we have grown to be room mates instead of husband and wife. I have tried many times to talk to him about the way i feel things have been going and his response is to laugh at me and tell me im making it all up. He also made the statement that is not his resposiblity as a husband to make me feel loved and wanted. Im the opposite on this i strive to make his day the best i can n to make sure that he hears me say i love u n that i show my love everday no matter how crappy i feel.how is it that he sees my feelings as a storyn that its from boredom.im very busy with the day to day and get very little time to be bored.. Im a stay at home mom, i babysit 2 kids part time. I take care of everything except paying bills and going to a 9-5 job. It was a decision we both made for me to stay home so that the kids didnt have to attend daycare. In the last 2 years he has brought up how i dont work, a few times and how i expect him to do everything, when ive asked him to simply pick up after himself to set an example for the kids. I pick up more after him than i do a 10 n 5 year old. We have a very dry sex life that seems to only exists when he cant stand to go any longer without. Its not at all passionate nor is he ever passionate with me. I find myself doing things to try to catch his attention only to be ignored. If he cant see how i have felt for years will he ever? im not sure that a divorce would make me happy or if its the fear of being a single mom and not having any rights to one of my kids that holds me back. I am almost 27 years old and dont know if i should stick it out for the kids and keep trying to get him to understand my needs or call it quits. 8 years is a long time just to throw in the towel. Is it ok to be content for the most part or should i be looking for what would make me truely happy no matter the pain it brings to my family?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 16 October 2012 01:22 posted by Guest

    I am not too sure what i should do: we have been married for the past 2 and half months.. even before i got married to him i knew marriage is going to be very difficult for me with him. He is neither intelligent nor educated.. i got pregnant with him before marriage and we have had major issues and i faced such an unpleasant experience.ab*****n . Since the past was not so good i did not want to marry any one else and hide my self. So i decided to marry him. he has a bad temper. for the slightest thing he will use filth.. He embarrasses me in front of my people by behaving immature. he will shout and laugh and make all dry jokes and makes things horrible for me. Now he has a got a problem with his bad finance planning.. before marriage we built a house (partially completed) on my dad's land and i have loans to pay. he is to take care of the meals and water and electricity. I am paying the loan as if i am paying a house rent. He thinks the only way we could save from is from our food and he indicates that i should share the cost of food and utility. i simply don't have any savings after paying my debts.. He is so keen that i get my parents to transfer the deed in my name. He tells me quite often when i am dead and gone he will not have any savings or property. He is the only child born to a very weird , stingy, cunning, family. those parents are willing to chase away their own son if some outsider will give them money and take care of them. for that family everything depends on money. they will talk to us when we visit them only if we spend money on them . Sick family. like pirates they only want want want.. not learned to give and share.. this is the exact way they have brought up their son who acts and talks like a bastard.

    My husband expects me to take care of the household , he got me to pay 50% for the honey moon..How sad..

    I am a very creative dress designer.. i designed my own costumes for the wedding and my man is encouraging me to start a business on that line while working 50 - 60 hours as a professional secretary to a well reputed company so that i will have money to take care of the household and utility bills. i am very ashamed of the man i have got married to.

    In this context i am not planning to have any kids which i still have not conveyed to him. I really don't have any respect towards him so i can't think of taking care of his kids inside my body. i can't give that commitment.

    I feel sorry for this man. If i don't keep him, no one will take care of him. Even his parents will chase him when he doesn't have money to entertain them.
    This is the way he has been brought up. He should not be blamed , but his filthy parents. But i need some relief in life too. I hope god will have mercy on me.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 15 October 2012 19:11 posted by Guest

    I am miserable!: I have been married 7 years and at first it was great, we got married and it all began to change first he no longer allowed me to see my friends then he began to tell me who i can and canot talk to now he is the same and 3 kids later I am still here he dont hug or kiss me and ourt sex life is null and void if I leave I cannot take my kids so I stay but is my happiness and well being worth all of the agony that he causes me? I am at a loss i just dont know what the right thing to do is? he gets mad at every little thing i do if i dont clean right if i dont cook what he likes and i am sure he is cheating on me. why cant it be easier.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 15 October 2012 09:09 posted by Guest

    At least you have made a: At least you have made a breakthrough. He is listening now; maybe you can try to talk through some of your issues. I do not know the whole story, but we all know there are three sides. You need an objective view so my advice is to try and find one, like a therapist. My fav new saying is when I don't know what to do...I do nothing. Sit on it a while and gather your thoughts. What do you really want? Do you really want your marriage to be over or do you just want him to respond to you differently? There is a huge difference in feeling liberated because you know that other person is paying attention to you now and walking out on something to early. Don't make any hasty decisions. You are hurt and you have got every right to be; especially with some of the comments he said. Try not to be emotionally high maintenance. Fend for yourself, start finding things you like to do. Try and "find" yourself. Give it time. You can't expect anyone to love you if you don't know who you are. Focus on you for the time being and be nice and respectful to him regardless. Take in other considerations, but in the end you have to walk through the fire.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 15 October 2012 09:07 posted by Guest

    You can't possibly be married: You can't possibly be married nor have spell check on your computer. If you want to blast someone and insult them, by all means at least make sure your grammar is correct. Being biased doesn't help the situation and neither will ignorant comments. She needs to validate her feelings because she is the one that has to live with them. Most women by nature are nurturers and want to "fix" things. Yes it is true, men need space and feel like a dog cornered if you continuously try to seek what is bugging them. Time, space and respect are a must. I also do agree with it only taking one person to make their mind up. But the title and sexists’ comments are unnecessary and mean. It reflects on you and your struggles, and if you are married, I can only imagine how your wife must feel.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 14 October 2012 15:46 posted by Guest

    bitch plz: You are selfish. You wanted attention at the wrong times, and when you got a bump, or two, on the road, you gave up driving like all women do when they get frustrated. Your husband was tired at times, work, etc. There was nothing interesting going on for both to engage. Its not about finding the spark in the relationship (you) desperately desire, you both need to be searching together. Implying, he needed this also, but he assume you guys were doing ok, so he worried little to nothing. He was comfortable with you, but instead women are never satisfied with what they have, (pretty much like re-decorating and moving stuff around the house) so a little resentment, grudge, and hate came about from you towards him. The problem wasnt him, it is you. You have not found yourself in the relationship, and what makes you happy living with him. It does not always have to be you two doing things together all the time. There is this thing called space. Once that is violated the man will defend himself. The problem is women always wants to be in a man's space 24/7. It makes them (them) as i stated feel secured, and wanted. Relationship is not about making your wife happy (Thats selfish), relationship is about respecting each other, understanding each other, communicating effectively, and timing. If you want to be boned, the by all mean dress for the occasion when the time is right. If you feel he never has time for you? Then, figure out why? Be understanding, and let him come to you...if you keep going to him, all you are doing is chasing him away. The reason he wants you now, is becuase he feels like something is wrong, something that he thought was all cool, is now threating to the future of both of you. Nice tactic by the way. If you were my wife? and shut yourself away from me like that....i prob think the marriage is over, not becuase both of you have decided it, but becuase it takes one person to make their mind up.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 14 October 2012 15:12 posted by Guest

    ???: Michael, with all due respect you sound kinda passive aggressive. You've painted yourself to sound like a saint & your wife to sound like a selfish shrew who is jealous of her own daughter. Your wife hates you "for giving our daughter the unconditional love that my wife believes fuels her disrespect of her". I'm sure your wife wouldn't call it "unconditional love" more likely permissive fun-dad syndrome. You know, Daddy Disney who always does the fun stuff and never the bad stuff. My favorite part though, was when your wife suggested you move out, your response was no, the family NEEDS you. But when she suggested she be the one to move out you said no problem and immediately started hiring household help. I wonder why she's so deeply unhappy being married to someone who sends such messages of clear contempt all the while claiming love and devotion to the family.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 10 October 2012 21:33 posted by Guest

    I just don't understand: I'm 50, have been married 20 years and we have two teenagers. Our marriage has come under growing pressure because of almost constant fighting between my wife and daughter. My wife accuses me of not siding with her consistently and forcefully. God knows I try, particularly this year as my wife's threats to divorce have picked up steam. But I often feel like I've got to choose between my wife and daughter - and frankly I'm more likely to feel protective of our daughter, who I believe is more fragile than her tough-appearing exterior suggests - than I am my wife. I love my wife, find her attractive, and want to have sex with her. I also gain energy and strength from being with our family. Although I work outside the home and my wife is a stay-at-home mother, I am a very involved parent, with what I believe are nurturing and deep relationships with both our son and daughter.

    But my wife is miserable. She believes that she hates our daughter, and she increasingly expresses hatred for me - for not being more of a disciplinarian, for letting my wife leave the workforce 14 years ago, for giving our daughter the unconditional love that my wife believes fuels her disrespect of her.

    My wife is deeply unhappy. Unhappy with her relationship with our daughter, her lack of career, and her relationship with me. I don't know if I'm happy. I'm certainly not happy now, as I write this, but I'm happy every day I walk into the house. When returning home, prior to walking in on an explosive fight, I think warm, even romantic thoughts about my wife. She's spent the last several months drumming it in to me that, "you can't possibly be happy."

    Incidentally, no infidelities, no drinking, no violence, no drug use, not even golf.

    My wife sought a "trial separation," and asked me to move out, with the idea that my absence would isolate our daughter and she'd have to fall in line (her older brother pretty much sticks to himself, but doesn't get into any trouble) I refused, saying I had done nothing wrong, that both kids need me. Then my wife threatened to move out herself, perhaps with our son, with whom she has a stable relationship. I said okay, and for the past few weeks I have been laying the groundwork to be able to perform as the sole parent of two high school kids (I am negotiating the ability to work from home two days a week and am looking into hiring a "family assistant" that can do drop-offs and pick-ups, and stay in the house when I am traveling.

    In an about-face, my wife is now re-thinking her plan to move out and wants to consider other separation solutions: I move out, one of us moves to the basement bedroom, or we somehow alternate in the house.

    I believe I am perfectly equipped to "drive the family ship" for a while. My wife seems to believe I couldn't possibly function without her.

    Everything is changing so fast, I'm feeling il-equipped to keep up (yes, I do have friends and we're each in individual therapy and seeing a marriage therapist).

    One friend of mine insists this is all an elaborate bluff to shake me to my core so I make dramatic changes. But I believe I've been making those, large and small ones. Or my wife is in such a depth of despair, that she herself isn't thinking clearly. She does have friends who see how unhappy she is and are indeed encouraging her to separate and even divorce.

    Bluff or not, this is taking a toll on me and my feelings for my wife. I spent weeks coming around to the idea that I would offer to move into the basement, if that would give my wife a greater feeling of space, to which she replied, "that's a joke." I did refuse to move out but over the next several weeks got resigned to her moving out, and even taking our son with her.

    But now, just as we're on the verge of formalizing what that would look like and tell the kids about it, she says "never mind, I never fully agreed to that. Sorry."

    I've been saying to myself much of this year that I would do anything to save my marriage and our family. But those feelings are being worn down and I'm questioning them. If this is a bluff and a plea for something I either haven't or can't give to her, that's one thing. If, however, she just doesn't love me and worse, doesn't love our daughter, then I don't see how I keep us together.



  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 10 October 2012 12:50 posted by Guest

    I think my marriage is over: We've been married 11 years with 2 children ages 9 & 7. He's not abusive, doesnt cheat and is a great provider and father but for awhile now something has been lacking between us. There is no connection. I have tried to talk to him multiple times about it but he never really pays attention. I have not felt wanted as a woman in a long time. There is no affection. We rarely have sex and if I try to hug or kiss him he will hug or kiss back but you can tell its just to pacify me. A couple weeks ago I tried to look nice for him because we were going out. I've recently lost about 25 pounds so I was feeling pretty good about myself. I just wanted some attention that I never get. I was parked in his parking spot when he got home so he became angry and didnt even pay attention to me. I told him that day When I didnt want his attention anymore he was gonna wish he gave it to me. That day really hurt me. After thinking on it 2 days later I tried to talk to him. He didnt even really pay attention to me. I was crying and everything and he was just looking through movies on tv. He would look at me every now & then and say he understood, he would try harder and he really did love me. But he was just saying that out of habit it seemed like cause we've been over this numerous times throughout the years. When I got done pouring my heart out I told him he probably couldnt even of told me what I just said. His response was "Are you going to fu***** quiz me now?". Of all things that was his response. Never hugged me, looked me in the eye or reassured me on anything. I dont know how to explain it but that broke me. Something changed for me at that moment. Now I dont want his love or affection. Almost everything he does annoys me and I just feel like I want to be alone for awhile. He can tell things are different now and is upset about it. He says he vowed for better or worse and realizes that he probably waited to long to show how much he cares. Now when he wants to give me all I wanted, because he sees that I'm just done, I dont feel like I want it from him anymore. But I'm scared of that realization. I'm 28. He's all I've known. I dont want to hurt him and he is being hurt. Says he feels uncomfortable because I am distant. I have never felt so done in our relationship. I dont know if I can get my feelings back. Can anyone relate??

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 October 2012 18:41 posted by Guest

    Seriously Confused: Get out now! It will not get better, no fairy is going to sprinkle fairy dust on the both of you and make it better. Kids will only make it worse- it will be harder to leave and you will have all that baggage to restart your life with, always being tied to him because of the kids. I am 57 years old, been with a "wonderful, kind, generous, loving, attractive man" for 37 years. Was and still am the responsible party in the relationship. (I can relate -it gets old carrying the whole load alone!) Started with the same sort of issues twenty years ago, did not leave because it wasn't 'bad" enough. No one was hitting me, abusing me, gambling, cheating, --none of the usual reasons marriages die or spouses can rationilize easily leaving. So I stayed, knowing deep down inside of me that our relationship was over, we no longer had things in common, I was always persuing my interests alone, with his being OK with it. Well, after the past 15 yrs of doing things alone, I am feeling single in a marriage that is not working for me. On top of it, he started drinking heavily a few years ago, fell, sustained a brain injury that he has some residual memory and personality issues, as well as some other occasional problems. This has made me feel guilty about leaving him, as he has no family or support systems to replace me.
    You are young, only in your thirties, you can end your marriage knowing you did have something good together, that you are both good people, but it just isn't working anymore. People change and we need to recognize when it is no longer going to work. If he truly loves you, he will hear what you are saying that this relationship is not working for you anymore and therefore for him- it is not fair to anyone to live a lie--- have a heart to heart talk, do not blame or point fingers, speak from your heart, let him know you love who he is but have to move on. Hopefully, you can part peacefully and graciously. Try to steer clear from complicating things further with another relationship, you will have plenty of time for that later when you are free to persue it, without all this stress and limitations. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 October 2012 17:58 posted by Guest

    I don't think i want to be married anymore ... or ever again: Thanks for the input everyone. I've decided to get a divorce. We had the talk last night and I will be moving home to Wisconsin next week. I couldn't string the poor guy along any longer as one person pointed out. It's just not fair to anyone. Him, me, or anyone around us. Best of luck to everyone else of this message board.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 October 2012 22:24 posted by Guest

    Maybe you want to have kids,: Maybe you want to have kids, just not with him.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 October 2012 22:23 posted by Guest

    Wow!: You need help from a government agency to begin planning to move on. If there is a Women In Crisis facility near you, then you need to start the ball rolling with them to get you set up with a plan for the rest of your life. This can take many forms, and it's definitely not easy, but you need to face reality and get the help you need NOW. You won't be able to do it on your own, at least at first, but eventually you will get stronger and stronger until you can at least cope. Then you can set some realistic lifetime goals, but right now, if you try it without help, you're likely to fail in your attempt to leave. Guys like this are master manipulators, and he knows how to play you. Get out while you still have a chance at life.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 October 2012 12:11 posted by Guest

    im on the brink of losing my mind: My husband and i have been together for 15 years married 3 months. We waited because it wasnt 15 years of bliss because we met in college and both evolved and changed over the years. We had to find our way back. We had a beautiful small wedding. Happiest day of my life. I felt i married my friend. We never lived together. Married, now we do. He is normally the nice one out of the two of us but now he tries to be controlling. From the way i clean to the way i shave my legs. My pesonality does not allow for that so we bicker. We go to counseling and went to npremarital counseling. I love him but he is killing my insides. I tell him to back off and he tells me im sensitive or just angry. So now his approach is changed. Instead of telling me out right what to do he just asked in an annoyed voice why dont i do something.
    I am not perfect. I havent changed my name and i go to dinner with friends frequently. I offered to hyphenate but he said thats unacceptable. I told him this before we got married.
    Bottom line he acts and says i do everything wrong. I dont clean the way he likes. I dont buy what he likes, i dont contribute to the marriage yet he can not express any examples. Its awful to hear how every day you are failng. My opinions are blown off. He doesnt take me out any more. Never plans any fun nights jst picks at me every day. We barely even have sex and the sad part is we are both fine with it. I dont want to leave. I just want him to stop harassing me about every little think that he would do differently. May seem like a small problem but its making me not like him. I miss my friend. Flawed friend but he was my best friend

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 October 2012 10:38 posted by Guest

    Counseling may help. I will: Counseling may help. I will not yell at you and tell you what to do because who are any of us to do that. Marriage isnt something we just walk away from. Maybe seing a therapist will help you determine where you stand and why you feel the way you do. Self evaluate. Maybe you are having adjustment issues like myself. Im the type of person that if I am unhappy about things in our marriage intamcy is a chore to me. Find out for sure what is bothering you before you make any decisions. I cant say he is the victim because im not in your marriage but if it does turn out that you are the issue then see if you can fix them before you walk.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 October 2012 09:48 posted by Guest

    This seems unaceptable to me.: This seems unaceptable to me. For him to threaten to leave you just to hurt you is cruel. Maybe he knows it will hurt you. Its below the belt. If he means it he shouldnt be there. Have you two considered counseling. Your kids may eventually be affected if their parents are fighting and miserable. You have to think of you and you kds first and know that you are special and worthy of any mans love. Know you dont deserve the verbal abuse. What makes him think your esteem is so low that he can treat you this way? If he doesnt want to go to counseling then perhaps you should go alone. No woman deserves this. That includes you.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 October 2012 09:39 posted by Guest

    I am in no place to judge as: I am in no place to judge as I am on this site poking around because I am not adjusting to my new marriage as well as i thought. To me it seems like you know what you want to do. I cant say I would fault you as I would not tolerate his lack of ambition either. You are not asking him to be a Ceo you are asking him to work. As a man he should want to be able to ckntribute to the household. You are telling him what you need and he is not willing to give it to you. You are seeing all ofbthe signs now. Who says he will change for the better if you get married. He needs to show you now. I know love is not about money but it seems as if there isnt a mutual level of respect. All you asked him to do was work anywhere. If he is unable and unwilling to do something that important for the sake of your relationship then perhaps he isnt ready for marriage. Who knows but I thinks its now time to think of you and let him go somewhere and grow up. My hubby and i went to see a counselor. I told her "he didnt do this before and that before" she said. Yes he did you just maybe didnt notice or it wasnt steadily in your face like it is now (we didnt live together prior) my point. If he is that way now as a boyfriend you cant be surprised if he is that way as a spouse.
    Follow your heart. Put you first since he is not

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 06 October 2012 15:40 posted by Guest

    mistake: I am seeing a guy who i have known for 35 years, but we just got reconnected a year ago. Though we do not see each other as much as we'd like because of the distance, we talk daily. I have been in love with him since i was a kid. We got together a few times, then went different directions. I got married, and he didn't. I am not with my husband (long story) and have been with this guy because he was there when i needed some emotional support. We fell in love and i felt like i was ready to move away with him like i felt years ago. Problem is, he really doesn't make any money. I mean, i do very well, and he knows it. I wouldn't mind if he at least had a job. But he doesn't want to work. We argue about it all the time. He wants to depend on my income. Like i said, if he made minimum wage, i wouldn't mind. But he turns down everything, cause his body aches when he works hard. After many months, and my account getting smaller, i am beginning to wonder if the red flags are slapping me in the face for a reason. I feel like our time together would be short lived due to money. I went to college for 8 years to get where i am. I think he wants to find a big job that pays big money, but he doesn't even send out resumes or talks to anybody. He is in construction and i guess the economy makes it hard to find good paying jobs for that area. I just feel like i am being drained and the strong love and passion i had for him is starting to fade. Am i being selfish? He is nearing 50 and has said he is tired of working. That scares me. I have told him that any job is better than nothing at all. But he just gets mad at me and we get in a fight. He has no insurance, no social security (never has worked for anybody), no home, no retirement savings. He thinks that if we get together, he can start a new business, but with my money. So, i am really scared to go there. I feel sorry for him as he makes it seem that i am the only woman he will ever love this way and he asked me to marry him months ago, after we barely reconnected. I said yes, but like i said, i was blinded by the past, and now that reality is hitting me, i'm backing away slowly. Any recommendations? Oh he has a temper too, and that worries me a bit. He kind of acts controlling at times which was cute at first, but now, i'm tired of it.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 06 October 2012 14:22 posted by Guest

    I dont know how to proceed: I've been married for fifteen years together for 17 and I'm tired of keeping up the charade. He cheated on me numerous times before we were married but promised to never do it again. Two weeks into our marriage he attacked me in front of our daughter and I was pregnant. I stupidly forgave him but he's never laid a hand on me again until a week ago. You see we just moved three months ago because in 2007 and 2009 he cheated on me again and carried on a relationship asking me to share him. I had to move because of the bad memories. I tried to fix things and make them work but he never seems to care how I feel or what I want.He's addicted to porn and always wants sex but I can't stand him touching me anymore. I haven't been happy for three years and I'm not in love with him. After he hit me I asked for.a divorce we discussed it and then the next day he said he's afraid of being alone and is being all sweet like nothing was even discussed. I don't have a job yet but looking everyday. I've looked into divorce but have three more months before i can file. I feel bad playing along until I can file but I don't want to be living in misery for three months if I tell him now. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do. I don't want to blindside him but I feel it wouldn't be because we've talked abouts it before. He was mean about it by saying stuff about his mistresses I'm scared its not gonna be nice. We have three kids. I just want to be happy and he deserves to have someone who.actually loves him. Please help

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 06 October 2012 05:56 posted by Guest

    something needs to change: Ive been married for 3years now,ive 2 children.i married young but knew thats what i wanted after i had my first child my husband started being lazy not helping me with the baby.we would argue alot.when ihad my second child he started helping me and everything but after a while he started being heartless telling me im fat(i have thyroid it makes it hard for me to lose weight),worthless,piece of s@!t everything you could think of.i really dont know where it is coming from ido everything for him.yeah i bitch alot but its not my fault he wants to be a child.he recently told me when we were arguing that he
    Is only with me for the kids.it just broke my heart how could he say that too me after a while i confronted him about it his answer was iwas just mad i dont mean it.to me it doesnt make sense cause isay things that i mean when im mad.At thos point i wonder does he even love me anymore??he has besn saying now when we argue he wants a divorce.ihave not once said it cause i love him so much.today he told me that the reason hes so mean to me is cause i bitch alot and i deserve it.i dont deserve that i have two little ones i take care of imake sure the house is clean,the laundry is done.im at a braking point.idont know if i want to stay with him.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 05 October 2012 23:48 posted by Guest

    Re:I don't know what to do: Since he misses his friends and family soooo much then let him go back to them. Really,it's all your fault? If life is so horrible with you then let him experience it without you. Don't stand for it, you deserve better! You don't have to be defensive, you can be proactive and authentic. He can't make you feel anything unless you let him. Get a spine and send Precious home to Mama- he isn't grown up enough yet.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 05 October 2012 23:41 posted by Guest

    Re:I don't want to divorce but...: But...you are a meal ticket. He retires and he is gone. No ring? No commitment. He cuddles. Big deal. He is here to make money and go back to Ecuador a rich man. No sex because he's tired? Umm...no. Either a physical or psychological problem or you're being played, He won't pitch in? He doesn't share? It's all going South to some banana plantation. Dump his ass quick. There are much deeper cultural things going on here and if you aren't happy now, then you sure wont be happy in another 10-15 years.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 05 October 2012 23:31 posted by Guest

    Re: I don't think I want to be married anymore: To me this begs the question: why in the world did you get married? If sex is a chore, you think he is dumb, and you don' t want to be responsible then stop lying to the poor guy, be straight about it and move on. That you have a crush on another man screams "affair waiting to happen". Why are you with him? Make a list. Why would you be better off without him? Make a list and compare. Then it should be pretty obvious. Either he is a real loser or you're really not ready for marriage. Either way spare everyone involved and go get your head screwed on straight or put on your big girl panties and own up to making s mistake. There's love and then there is your integrity. And for gawd's sake don't have kids if you are that uncertain. I promise you- everybody else around you knows something is up with you. Be honest.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 05 October 2012 16:51 posted by Guest

    I don't think i want to be married anymore ... or ever again: Hoping for some input and outside perspectives here. My husband is an amazing person. Really! He is kind, gentle, loves me (and tells me all the time), wants to cuddle, be intimate, and I absolutely love him, so I may be sabotaging a good thing because of my own issues.

    Here are the laundry list of issues:
    - I never want to have sex even though he is an attractive guy, he just doesn't do it for me anymore, so it's turned into a chore that i give into and can't wait for it to be over. I haven't had an orgasm in about 5 years. Really. :(
    - He is not as clean as I would like him to be (but what man is?) and i've decided to let him know every time he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor instead of just ignoring it and picking it up myself, i handle all of our bills and responsibilities like sending family gifts for weddings, setting up appointments for pest control service, grocery shopping, etc. I'm tired of being the responsible one! I want to be taken care of once in a while too! I also work 50-60 hours per week and pay half the bills.
    - I'm 30 and he is 34 and we have been having conversations about having kids lately. I thought when we got married that i wanted kids, but now I'm not so sure. I am absolutely freaking out thinking i made an unfair mistake marrying him knowing he wanted children when all along i wasn't sure. I've told him i'm not sure if i'm not ready or if i simply don't want any and he basically said that he doesn't know if he can handle not having children. So basically, i'm afraid if i say no to children, we will end up divorced. He keeps hoping i'm just nervous and will give in, but i honestly think i just don't want children.
    - I am severely annoyed by him ALL THE TIME! I don't find him mentally stimulating anymore. Sometimes he seems flat out dumb.
    - I don't particularly like some of his family members and am forced to constantly be around them. He, on the other hand, doesn't even bother calling or talking to my family. Although, he sees the need for me to speak with his family on a regular basis (mamas boy to the max!)
    - I don't feel as though he understands me or has ever made an effort to really get to know me and what makes me tick. We kind of just float through life with each other.

    I'm not abused, i'm not miserable, i'm just not sure I'm in the right relationship or if I'm even meant to be married to anyone! I've even developed a crush on another man, which i would NEVER act on because i honestly don't believe in cheating. I just can't get the guy out of my head the past couple weeks. That can't be good!

    Does all of this mean i need to let him go? I'm just so confused :(

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 05 October 2012 00:44 posted by Guest

    It seems like you are with a: It seems like you are with a manipulator. Someone who seems to be controlling you. I suggest you research what a manipulator is, get a good counselor and start trying to find ways to empower yourself and look out for your emotional needs. The relationship from your words, seems quite one sided - with him manipulating and controlling you.

    You probably wonder how I know. I have had a string of relationships with extremely manipulating and emotionally as well as physically abusive partners. This is because I am a people pleaser. Suffice to say, I've started the long hard road to recovery and saying "no" and getting the respect and kindness I feel I should cultivate in my life.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 04 October 2012 22:17 posted by Guest

    I don't want to divorce but...: I'm going to be 50 , oh my gosh, 50 years old. In 3 months. I married5 years ago to a man from Ecuador. We loved eachother so , so much. We married in a vacant room in the Townhall. No engagement ring , no proposal , no big wedding , no one to stand for us and no honeymoon. We go to Ecuador every year and he uses all his days off for that. 6 months after we married and got our apartment, it all started to go downhill. We havent had sex in 3/1/2 years!!! Not once!!! He cares alot of the time for me. We "cuddle" in bed but that's it. He works 11 hour shifts so he says that's why. I really don't believe he's cheeting. I know where he is almost all the time. But he is obsessed with saving money so he can retire to Ecuador. And all the bills are half-and-half. He gets so angry with me if I don't have money to cover my bills. That's always been our biggest problem , money! And what's his is his, and what's mine is mine . were separate and everything. I can't touch his CDs. He has his car I have my car. And if I have a problem with my car , he will not put in a dime. Even if it's unsafe. I know retirement will be the same. he won't share that retirement money. I'm just so unhappy all the time. but I do love him so much. There's just so many times and he's just so cold and so heartless. His excuse would be "because I WANT to". What should I do. ?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 22:54 posted by Guest

    it appears he has a problem not you: with all you said, it appears he has a huge problem with something, now for one your not selfish ever or controlling when you ask a question, look at the conversation like this, look and answer him as if he is someone you meant a stranger and how would you respond to them, try to set yourself apart from him , in doing this u will be able ot talk to him as if you just meant and your giving sound advice, now it appears to me you need to take this arguing one more step invite friends over he like and bring up the fact of argument he stated , let him see your not alone, let him see others have the same problems and a lot of times they can help good luck

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 22:34 posted by Guest

    I don't know what to do: My husband and I have been married for 10 months and together for six years. I'm his second marriage and he's my first which he rarely lets me forget. We moved 12 hrs from his home city about 3 months ago for my job which in all fairness he told me to put in for. Tonight we had one of our normal fights where all I get told is I'm not building enough in roads with his friends and family, I have spent every Sunday with his family for the past two years and at least two or more days a week with his friends in the past year.. Not allowed to tell him how I feel or he tells me I'm being defensive. As normal it ended with how I never should have taken this job, life with me is horrible, dinner with me was horrible as normal etc. I don't know what to do anymore, he seems to truly hate me, I don't know if ge wants a divorce or what, I can't ask him because he'll explode and make me feel even worse..

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 22:09 posted by Guest

    you r going threw your change lady: yep this is what happens, your going threw your change and the interest you had is leaving because your hormones are changing like a caccon your becoming a teen again, now this is what you do, hang in there it will come back , but i will warn you he will go threw his oh boy and do they ever, now first of all do u have a hobbie get one, then dress up every day go afor a walk or do something every day, to the max, wear yourself out, but you need to find you, but he is staying in there for you so don;t leave him, remember set the example for your kids, do not bail out God hate divorce

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 22:02 posted by Guest

    its not dead or over: r u for sure hes not going out to meet another girl, r you for sure, , because the thing is he will think less and less of you, check his phone see if any calls were made more then once, if you find he is then time to end it
    now if he is not then you need to find each other again, what was it that attracted you to him, what was it that attracted him o you, ge tit back find each other gain , he has to meet you half way on this and GET GOD IN THE MARRIAGE

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 21:51 posted by Guest

    sorry for u sweetie: you need to find God a church and listent o the Lord, find a sister in God and have prayer together God can change all this, have you forgiven your husband, and the reason he calls you names is because he feels guilty for what he did, its not your fault , its his he needs to ask your forgiveness and you need to forgive, find peace, it sounds like you still love him and he does you but your both stuck, get the book robert mark altar wrote , Men are Jerks

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 21:43 posted by Guest

    is your husband having an afair or doing porn on the internet,: this is usually the first sign of separation in a relationship, they r getting their jollies from someone else, they r relating to someone else and byte he time you get home he has already given out his advice and want to rest, try this, first of all see if he is having porn sex on the net , or calling another girl, if not, try these things, first get you a hobby and start fixing yourself up so u look and feel good, never mind he does n;t notice right away, then see if you can spark a point of interest up by learning what he loves,
    next start leaving little lov note around the house, next if lacking money you could start planning for a future to togather even if you know the money won;t be there its still fun to dream

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 21:28 posted by Guest

    get out start over : one he has an illness prion is an illness he cannot stop unless he really wants to, two his anger will carry over on your child and he or she will be this same way, three if you leave and get help and there is lots of help for young pregnant mom lot of money and free living start asking, get out and if he want to change let him prove it for a few months , there is government housing for you , and free babysitting while you work , and if you cannot find a job there wick food stamps, this is crazy you do not have to stay with him like this make him treat you nice , God said women r to be on a pedestal, men have anger issues , and a lot of issues get the book Robert mark altar wrote men are jerks it so funny you'll both laugh but it will help maybe , but he will not change he can;t he has to come to terms with his illness, and i will warn you now its a long hard nightmare if yu stay together r u ready?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 21:17 posted by Guest

    get out now : this ins't love, please your young find a way to leave , go look for another apartment and move out , if its your place pack his bags , you don;t need another kids do u, my daughter has made the same mistake 3 times i told her why don;t you put a sign in the front yard and say , will take any loser that acts shitty to me move right in you don;t have to work you can be mean to my kids and me,
    how many guys do u think would move in, 100s, please move him out or you , there is nice guys look for ones with homes and jobs for long periods and cars , look for chirstian guys please equal yoke or a least someone you can date and get to know

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 18:19 posted by Guest

    Something to think about: I'm going through something very similar situation and just waiting to see that maybe he is a sex addict. I really would like to leave my husband of 1 yr. I don't think I can financially afford it! I think I might try it it and start off the yr fresh and single. Pitty is what I feel for him. He has hurt me in the same way like talking to other women. It pisses me off thinking about it. I don't think men really change. If they do its for a while not long term. Men will do the right things if they find there true love. I mean I think anyone will be the best once they find the love of there lives. I don't think we are it. So follow you heart! You kid will survive and so will you. Do it while your young! What more prof do you need to find him in bed with his ex. Just saying.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 13:13 posted by Guest

    I too feel the same way. We: I too feel the same way. We are supposed to go to our first counceling session tomorrow. i don't want to drag this out and make it more painful for everyone involved. I know i have hurt him doing all of this but i cannot be with him. I have even moved out already. Our daughter already has a seperation schedule set up. I like being on my own. It isn't because of the "free life" or "single life" as he says just making my own decisions and focusing on myself and my daughter for the first time feels nice. I do miss him terribly but not the way you miss your husband. I miss him as a friend and as the person who was always next to me...we decided we wanted...i wanted...to seperate but he kept asking me why i couldn't try why i couldn't give him one last chance. I think that is the main reason i am doing this..is for him, because i cannot get him to understand how and why i feel the way i do.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 October 2012 21:58 posted by Guest

    ...: I know it's so hard to make them understand exactly how you feel, today I called my husband and told him that we need to talk. We've both set aside time to talk tomorrow, I'm super nervous, but I'm going to tell him it is done. If we still want to continue on with the marriage counselor this week then I will do it. If the counselor can help put into words what I am feeling and translate that to him, that will be even better. I'm tired of feeling like this everyday, I feel like if I go any longer like this I will go crazy. I need to be happy, he needs to be happy and our child needs to see each one of us happy. I have all the support I need from my friends and family, but I know I'm not as prepared as I think I am when it comes to actually asking for a divorce.... Good luck to you, do what makes you happy, that's what I am doing. I will keep you posted.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 October 2012 16:07 posted by Guest

    same husband: Hi i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...everything you described sounds like my husband/marriage. I am in therapy mysrlf and she said for me to really do some soul searching and figure out when and if i have ever been happy (im inclined to say the answer will be no). You need to be happy life is too short...im 29 married for one yr tog for 6 and was about to start a family. My world feels like it is crashing down around me and the thought of telling my loved ones makes me want to vomit. Im here to chat u are welcome to send me a msg. Please just do waht it is will make u happy and believe u cannot change who is it- muly husband chsnged and is now reverting back to his old self and i need to stand up fir mysekf for once. Goodluck

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 October 2012 15:00 posted by Guest

    I feel like I am reading: I feel like I am reading about myself. I've been married for 7 years and been with my husband for a total of 10 years and we have a 3 year old. I know that the spark is gone and keep talking about divorce with my husband, but he thinks that we can reignite it. We tried one marriage therapist and the two sessions that we went to made things worse between us. I have agreed to see try another therapist, but in my heart I know that my feelings are not going to change....

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 October 2012 13:07 posted by Guest

    Done but he's not: Hi everyone I'm in my early twenties and have been married to my husband for almost 6 years, together 7. We have one child together. I have been done for a while, but kept trying to change myself and him to make it work. He is honestly a great guy, as well as a great dad, the only problem is that I'm no longer in love with him. We've had our arguments as everyone has, but it was never anything bad. I started feeling like this after my son was born, our son is now four. We are supposed to go to marriage counseling this week but I really don't think it's gonna work. It is not that I am not open to it, but I feel like we've done everything and no matter what we do no one can magically step in and make my feelings change. I will always love him, but we both deserve to be happy. I feel selfish because he is happy, however, he has told me in the end we both need to be happy. I probably sound ridiculous right now, who wouldn't want a husband that understanding, we are best friends but over these last almost 5 years I feel as if we've been living as roommates (rarely any sex). I honestly just think that a marriage should not feel like ours, to me the flame should still be somewhat flickering?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 September 2012 13:14 posted by Guest

    giirlfreind: Been there done that... you are correct in your decision.. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTT OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. before he beats and other family members your self esteem and you will not be able to make a move.. He is the one who is sick.....

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 September 2012 13:05 posted by Guest

    your sister: get the heck out of there... I get so sick of men that call thier self a man. Little boys in grown up suits, thier toys just cost more... I have been married two times ... they put on a good show, but are liars and users.... kick him to the crub.... put skates on his feet, send him down the road, maybe he can find a Mom.. She and the baby will be better off...

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 25 September 2012 20:17 posted by Guest

    I sadly enough understand: I sadly enough understand where you are coming from. What us women must learn is that we are not saviors and unfortunately these men have to hit rock bottom before they see who they've become. I know you love him, but you've got to love yourself more. Crying everyday is unacceptable. I'd like to say he'll change but only when he's ready, which maybe never. Be strong and do what is best for YOU.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 25 September 2012 20:07 posted by Guest

    Life is too short. Abuse is: Life is too short. Abuse is where every woman should draw the line. Move on and make yourself and kids happy. Don't worry about what others think. It's not their life.

  • Comment Link KM Tuesday, 25 September 2012 12:31 posted by KM

    Wow: I can relate to your comments above. I am currently married and have been thinking about divorce for years. My New Year's resolution was to make this the year that I either accept the marriage I have and make it work for me or get a divorce. I turned 40 in April and am not getting any younger.

    My 9 yr anniversary is next week and I am dreading it. My husband and I have been having the exact same fights for 4+ yrs (I recently came across emails I have saved from that long ago between us and it is amazing how nothing has changed). We tried counseling 4 yrs ago. Went 4 times then stopped. We didn't like the therapist. At the time, we had one son, and now we have two which does complicate things.

    My husband and I can not agree on anything - I mean almost nothing. He is verbally abusive (does not tell me I'm worthless but feels the need to express every opinion he has of me and tried to tell me what I think and feel) and controlling - although he accuses me of these same things. When we fight he has said some horrible things - down to that he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce and then he acts like nothing happened and we never resolve what we were fighting about. I have found out that he makes these comments/threats just to get a reaction because I don't react much anymore.

    We have tried going to a new therapist - a psychologist this time - and have only been 2 times. He immediately shut down and has refused to go back. He thinks if we are just nice and respectful to each other that this will all work out. I can relate to all of the bullets above so why am I staying? Why can't I leave????

    I have gathered information on what to do to plan for a divorce and have talked to an attorney and have taken some of the steps but then I just get paralyzed. I have both of my parents in town for support and most of my friends have wondered why I am still with my husband. Some just are against divorce and refuse to support me, but I am not lacking in support so why can't I leave?? I have a full time job and probably get paid more than average but I am still scared to death. While I don't love my husband as a wife should, I still hate to hurt him - eventhough he has hurt me. I want us to agree on divorce to make it easier but I know he will fight it. He has threatened to tell our boys (ages 7 and 2) that I refused to 'extend the olive branch' and make it work. I have told him that this is not a fair way to bring the kids into our issues. So, maybe I am afraid of him turning them against me one day and them resenting me.

    Maybe I get too caught up in the repurcussions and try to plan for any scenario which is ridiculous. How do I overcome these fears and just do it?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 22 September 2012 23:47 posted by Guest

    Dear Jennie, It it good that: Dear Jennie, It it good that you are being honest with yourself. You have a job now. Don't prolong this decision, go on with your life. A real marriage should be freely chosen. You day you were under duress. I did the same 6 years ago and have regretted that decision ever since, but have tried to hang in there for a lot of reasons, but mainly because of financial. I gave up a stable job and financial health when I was going through a very stressful time. It's going to take me a long time to get myself on financial footing in order to leave. I'm now 44, and life is just too short to live like you are. My husband also does that subtle emotional manipulation like yours, and you are right - he does it to twist your thinking that it's your fault. Be strong, respect yourself, and live sincerely. You can do it. Please pray for me, too, so I can get things in order - like a better job to support myself, so that I can put a bad choice behind me. I have to tell myself that it's okay to leave too. I know my family won't understand. They think I'm finally married to a good Christian man, but he really isn't a believer, but a functional alcoholic who doesn't want sex, doesn't want to work a real job, and is over-all self-centered. I knew that before I married him, but again was so desperate at the time, I kept the blinders on and my family enabled my stupid decision. God loves all of us and wants us to live healthy lives so that we can serve him completely and sincerely. Keep your head up!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 20 September 2012 17:47 posted by Guest

    How can i help my sister?: Hi folks.

    About 4 years ago while I was away I got a call from my parents regarding my sisters marriage. I asked how long she has known him for and i was shocked at the reply i was given. 2 (TWO) Weeks!!! First off he isn't from the US and lived in the US for about 2 years. My dad was the one who found him out thru an online marriage site. He was invited to visit and both my sister and Dad liked the guy.

    i felt as if the marriage was rushed and couldn't find any reason why they couldn't wait. I remember one of the conversation with my sister on relationships, I pleaded with her to at-least date the guy if she likes him. hell they can even move-in together if they like but most of all i advised not to rush it.

    Well both my dad and sister dismissed my plea and set the date, I came back for their wedding but before that i got a chance to meet with the guy. I was not impressed and it seemed he was trying to impress. We hung out a few times and I wanted to see his positive side and his negative side (okay mostly negative side). I remember coming back to my sister and complained that he was full of it.

    So here is where it starts to go down hill.... The night they got married, he had his friend sleep over at their apt. .... there were arguments between my dad and my sisters husband on why a friend is staying over on their newly wed night. My sister supported his decisions because the friend was close and dear to her husband so she didn't mind. Later my sister and her husband went for their so-called honeymoon but when they came back, my sister complained that he wasn't treating her very well making comments on what she wore and how she should dress and told her to put make-up on etc. My sister is a beautiful women and she doesn't need any make-up.

    I suppose one thing good about him was he had a job.. that changed. about half a year after their marriage he spoke to her about his passion about being a dentist and so my sis asked how long would it take him to complete his exams (he was a graduate from a dentist school abroad). he replied and said 3 to 6 months. She supported him along with my dad and he quit his job..

    Fast forward 3 years and still no job, completed one exam (apparently there are 2 you need to take). Now they have a kid (3 months old). He doesn't work and if he tried he'd quit because he didn't like it. They always argue, he puts her down (even witnessed that myself), He tends to hang out with his friends and says that he is studying.... and when she wants both of them to hang out with her friends he comes up with excuses or starts an argument so that he doesn't go with her so she drops the idea completely. He doesn't even talk to my dad or respects him. I lived at their house (belongs to my sister) and even i couldn't stand their arguing, I had a chance to talk to them twice and asked that they not argue and work things out but that didn't help.

    his parents are over and his mom doesn't appreciate my sister. One day my sister was upset and her mom-in law asked if she was alright, so my sister broke down and told the mom her feelings.... That made the mom-in law cry and gave my sis a hug and said she will talk to her son... later that day her husband walks in and said that my sister was trying to show off that she works and he does nothing.. That shocked my sister.

    So... just recently she said that she doesn't like him anymore and wants to confront him (when his parents leave) and ask him to either change or she is leaving.

    about my sister: she is humble and smart, funny and will always support you even if the odds are again'st you. she liked her husband a lot for his smarts and ideas of life.. (at the time she first met him).. now it has changed.

    I know its not right for me to intervene but i want her to do the right thing because of her baby (so young).. and i feel as if he is the type of person that will/can make things worst for her.... any advice guys?

    I apologize for my grammar and spelling errors. Thanks.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 19 September 2012 15:38 posted by Guest

    Please Help!: I am 19 years old and just got married 2 months ago, and I knew I was making a HUGE mistake. I knew and still do know now that I am not ready for marriage and such a huge commitment, but I let pressure and fear guilt me into going through with the marriage; everything was so rushed (we were only engaged for about 6 or 8 months and had been together for only 2 years before the marriage). I told my husband that I did not want to do it, and he convinced me to go through with everything because he said things would get better after marriage, and he said that it was too late to cancel since everyone expected it now. My feelings for my husband changed way before we actually got married, but I didn't leave because I was so scared to be alone, especially because I did not have a job where I could support myself, and I could not find one for lack of qualifications. Needless to say, I went through with the marriage, and my husband and I have only had sex 2 or 3 times, none of which I wanted to do, and it felt so wrong; I actually went in the bathroom and cried afterwards. I only did it because I didn't want to make him angry. He has a really short temper, and he verbally abused me a lot in the past. This is only his first relationship, and he does not want to leave. He says he loves me, and he says God is telling him to stay and help me; he just won't give up and move on. I don't want to be with him, and I don't want to go to marriage counseling because I didn't want this marriage in the first place, and it just doesn't feel right to me. We lost companionship, and he influenced me in many negative ways. He has been talking to my family, and he has somehow convinced them that I am basing my feelings off of depression and bipolar disorder; I have been diagnosed and treated for depression, but I have never been found to have bipolar disorder, so I believe that he is trying to make himself feel better by suggesting that there is something wrong with me. My family really likes him because he is really devoted to me (since this is only his first relationship), and he refuses to let me go. His family understands where I am coming from, and his mother supports me, even though I have never gotten along with her or anyone on his mother's side of the family. I can't seem to convince them that I am mentally stable because of having depression, so they won't give up thinking that my feelings are temporary and are a side effect of depression; I know they are not. He and my family think that everything was fine and that I was happy, and then all of a sudden, I wanted divorce. That, in fact, is not true; I was not happy with him, and they only saw how he acted toward me in public, not behind closed doors. We are separated now, though living in the same household until I move into an apartment this weekend (I have a full time job now at the Sheriff's Office), but he and my mother are all about religion, religion, religion, so they, of course, think that I am making a huge mistake. I don't feel like I am, and I am doing what is right for me. I honestly wish him well and hope he finds someone else, but he just says he will never find anyone else because he only wants and loves me. I don't know what to say to him. I don't feel the same about him, and I never will again because of how he treated me. He had many opportunities to change for the better, but he never did because he didn't want to. No matter what he says, I am callous and cannot cry or feel sorry for him, and people say and think that they don't know me anymore because I have changed and all that bull. I know they are upset, but they just keep harassing me about my decision and trying to blame it on me being "sick" and "needing medicine and therapy." I don't know what to say to them because no matter what, I am getting this divorce. My decision has nothing to do with depression or bipolar disorder (I am on medicine for depression, anyway), it is how I truly feel, and I wish they would see that and stop always raising their voices with me and saying how bad of a person I am. I made a really big mistake by getting married when I knew it was wrong, and I am suffering the consequences. I figure it is better to get out of it now before there are kids and debt involved than to go years and years before making this exact same decision, anyway, with a lot more involved. I just know that there is someone else out there who I am more compatible with, who is actually responsible, who has a job and does not act like a child, whose idea of compliments are more than "you have nice tits," and who will treat me right all the time, not just in public. I just wish I had more support on my side...PLEASE give me any advice or suggestions you may have.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 15 September 2012 19:53 posted by Guest

    Thanks: Thanks for the comment about no alcohol. I am needing to make the difficult decision to divorce and find myself wanting to drink. I have two young boys to take care of, not to mention myself. Thanks for reminding me that that's not going to help! Pray I can stay strong.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 15 September 2012 09:57 posted by Guest

    Hi, I'm 20 years old, my: Hi, I'm 20 years old, my husband is 22, we have been married for 1 yr. we have been thru a lot, we have and 8month old baby and everything started when she was born. We started fighting and arguing for everything. Im not always in the mood for sex and that has harmed the relationship a lot. Right after the baby I found him talking to his exgirlfriend and he told her in one of the texts he wouldn't have married me if she would have stock around well I almost left him that time but he said he loves me and the baby and wouldn't have changed us getting married for nothing in the world. Later on I found out he was a PORN addict! Literally he would do it everyday and it really ticks me off so I got really mad and confronted him and promised he would stop and of purse he didn't. I still stayed with him. We used to have a very good relationship. Laughed all the time enjoyed each others company and just loved each other, but for some reason we are not the same. I found him talking to that same girl again and I left, he called so I came back but we were sleeping in separate rooms. Now he has asked for a divorce and it has been 1 1/2 month since this happened. I have been staying at my moms house for the past 2 weeks and I found myself missing him and wishing he would try going to counseling but I'm also glad we aren't together. What should I do!?. Just really let go!? Or try talking to him and fixing it!?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 14 September 2012 21:08 posted by Guest

    Happily Divorced: This article identified all the things that I felt before my marriage eventually ended. My marriage was really over four years before I filed for divorce. Counseling did nothing to help. I'm the one who took full responsibility for what was wrong in the marriage which was not right. There was no infidelity involved. We were just two people with different ideas of what marriage was and we had no common goals. I wanted a partnership and he wanted a doormat. I stayed longer than I should have because of my two daughters. That also was wrong. They saw how we fought and that was not good for them, either. When you get to a point when you realize that there is nothing left, you can't feel guilt or feel like a failure. It takes two to make a marriage work. Sometimes the other person is not willing to do what it takes. That's when you need to recognize it is time for it to end.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 14 September 2012 19:05 posted by Guest

    How long I'm I suppose to: How long I'm I suppose to live like this, is it wrong to leave now, since he is getting better. My other car is broke after I paid it off, I've since gotten another car, he takes it. He make me feel so guilty. I had great credit, now I owe everyone. I know this is my fault as well to let this continue. He's jealous of my success, I have a car and he doesn't. By the way.. He still owes taxes, which effects me.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 14 September 2012 19:00 posted by Guest

    My husband and I have been: My husband and I have been together for ten years. We have been married for 5 years. 3 kids , 10, 8 and 5; im 31 and he's 33. after we were married, I found out he gambled, he didn't come home, we never lived together before marriage. I was upset and ready to leave, he convinced me he will stop and it's not serious, soon later, he kept not coming home, he would call and from the friends house, they all gambled. Of course he would be so tired , he couldn't get up for work, bills were not getting paid. I've always worked, I am the bread winner. We had two cars in my name. One got repo. So I had to drive him to work. Soon later we would argue about him getting up, he was always late and lost his job. He blamed it on me. I had to take care of everything. It soon effected me and my career but they were understanding. We could no longer afford things, he would take the car, not come back, lights got cut off, water off, we eventually were evicted. We moved with his mom, sister and her children. It was crowded and awful living conditions. I had no family here, and was just in denial about how my life was. I stopped talking to everyone. My husband start getting in trouble with the law, like speeding tickets and things. He had so many tickets, he couldn"t pay, he had no lincense. He eventually we went to jail for 2 weeks. He also wrecked my car after I told him not to drive and it was snowing with no. I can still drive it. Everytime I would something I would play the victim and all I would think about is the kids. They loved his father and would only play with them, and not spend any real quality time cause of gambling. He has since gotten better, years later today. He doesn't play poker that I'm aware of, he still has a job for 9mths now, I still drive him to work, we live so tight we don't have extra money. we still argue. I have expressed to him my deep resentment and now my feelings for him has disappeared in so many words. It's very hard to have sex with him cause theres no feelings left. I have started talking to a friend, I know him for 4 years, always good chemistry, but i had so many issues, and yes theres more to what i told so far with my husband and reckless behavior. I'm happy again after a dark place. Me and my friend fallen deep for each other. I'm confused more than ever and I know it's morally wrong. Help

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 13 September 2012 22:52 posted by Guest

    My husband of nearly 15 years: My husband of nearly 15 years has cheated on me for more than half our marriage. He has admitted to only two times. Those times he was forced to tell. The first was a health scare during my pregnancy. The second his best friend told. The other times included Internet cheating and ex girlfriends ( one of whom he slept with). W have two beautiful children. He seems to be a good externally. But, internally I think he has issues. I worry about our young children. My son is ten and can tell something is going on. I feel as if I can't do this anymore because he will never change. I asked him to take a lie detector test or we can move forward with the divorce. He takes all situations and blames everyone for them including me. I do love him. But, my heart is too broken and I have severe trust issues with him now. I do not believe anything he has to say to me. What do I do? I am so conflicted. My mother law and aunt are telling me to possibly give it one last try.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 13 September 2012 22:49 posted by Guest

    My husband of nearly 15 years: My husband of nearly 15 years has cheated on me for more than half our marriage. He has admitted to oly two times. Those times he was forced to tell. The first was a health scare during my pregnancy. The second his best friend told. The other times included Internet cheating and ex girlfriends ( one of whom he slept with). W have two beautiful children. He seems to be a old guy externally. But, internally I think he has issues. I worry about our young children. My son is ten and can tell something is going on. I feel as if I can't do this anymore because he will never change. I asked him to take a lie detector test or we can move forward with the divorce. He takes all situations and blames everyone for them including me. I do love him. But, my heart is too broken and I have severe trust issues with him now. I do not believe anything he has to say to me. What do I do? I am so conflicted. My mother law and aunt are telling me to possibly give it one last try.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 13 September 2012 21:23 posted by Guest

    Hmm.. I'm not sure...: Hubby and I have been together a total of 9 years, married for 2. I was 18 when we met (he was 30), I was fresh out of a long term horrible relationship. Needless to say, being in long relationships at a young age I wasnt able to be a kid. Right after we met, he just went through a bad divorce, and luckly we have no children. He also met his ex wife young and it resulted in her lashing out partying and cheating. Right away with me he was a little possessive and over protective of me but never abusive or mean. I knew I loved him so I rid of all my friends.. especially guy friends (it intimidated him), and after a while I started to resent him for that. I did do things that I shouldnt have done and because of that I left him, it was the right thing to do. During the separation which lasted about a year, I realized that I loved him and missed him as I got older (about age 22ish at that point). We got back together and planned our wedding. Since we have been married we are best friends and hardly fight. But nearing our second year of marriage, it seems that we have been distant and sex has only been about once every two weeks. I am not sure if its because he is now nearing 40 and his testosterone levels are dropping due to age, we also have been trying for children for 6 yrs and I have fertility problems, and he is starting to ask more questions about the negative things I have done in the past and it makes me feel terrible. We promised each other that since we got back together that we will start over completely fresh and ignore the past and move on, no questions asked. Part of me thinks we should quit but another part of me doesnt want that. He is such a wonderful man and is not a cheater, extremely loving. It has just felt "weird" between us and I/we have also lost our sex drive and attraction and I think it's the same for him. Trust me, we have tried new things to spice it up and nothing works, just feels awkward. It feels like we are best friends who cuddle and occasionally hook up. I also work a lot and im the bread winner in the relationship and this may also cause problems with us, espcially since we don't go on dates or actually go out, I want badly to go out but simply can't but im tired of working and being a homebody. Just at a loss.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 12 September 2012 14:04 posted by Guest

    i want divorce: whatever sign u have told above, i m feeling same way. i dont love him at all because he never done anything for me. he is not able to give mental financial and family satisfaction. i got married in 2006. i have 5 yr kid. i am staying separately with my kid from last 9 months. i have filed for divorce also. but my parents are not ready for divorce for social problems. even my husband is also not ready. he wants me to stay with him for future of kid
    he is not realising the proble. everytime he says sorry.and expects that i should forgive him. i am alone taking all the responcibily of my kid. i feel if i dont have feeling, respect and love about him so its better to get divorce. please help me. can any one tell me whether i will get divorce or i have to fight throught my life.







  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 11 September 2012 21:42 posted by Guest

    Honey, get an annullment.: Honey, get an annullment. It's only been three months. Do it before you feel guilty for letting it go on too long. DO it before you feel guilty for putting your kids through that for so long. THey need a positive influence in their lives, even if you are the only one. It's better than that bullshit. Think of your kids, how do they feel with such a parent treating them that way? You should always put them first, even if it means a divorce. If hes a sex addict, that's a big danger towards your children as well.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 11 September 2012 09:38 posted by Guest

    I'm facing the same issue as you.: My husband and i have been married for 16 years and we have a 15 year old son. For the first few years as we were busy working and looking after the boy i didnt noticed any abnormalities in the marriage as both of us are rather busy. What i do know was that he never accompany me to the gynae when i was pregnant but i took it in my stride . Understanding that he is a busy man running his own business. As time went on i started to feel like i'm walking on egg shells all the time. Whatever i said or suggest wouldnt pleased him . I loved to gather the family together for lunch or dinner during weekends but he would tell me to go with my son .Asking him why he would'nt want to join us he gave me alot of excuses saying that the weather's too hot , he's too tired and so on. When his friends calls up to invite him for tea , lunch , massage or fishing he never says no to them. When i asked his "permission" to drive out of town he would say no cos the reason he gave me was too dangerous for a woman and a 15 yr old boy gg to another country. Ok , i take it tat he's concerned about us. So another time when i suggested that my son and i would like to take a cruise he said no becos reasons given was sea is unsafe too much pirates roaming around the waters. I felt like a trap bird i wasnt allowed to go any where. Whereas he could just go everywhere he likes.
    Since he retired this year i tried to get to follow me for groceries shopping , having tea together he just refused.
    I've been shopping for groceries alone , eating out alone , having tea alone and even when im sick ive to drive to see the doctor alone.
    I'm fustrated and very tired with him and frankly speaking i'm now considering to initiate a divorce but thinking of my son always held me back.
    I told my son i wish that my next 20 or 30 years down the road to be happy as life is so short. By telling my son that hoping to help him prepared that there is a possibility that i would end the marriage.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 10 September 2012 19:27 posted by Guest

    I've been married for 3: I've been married for 3 months, and It's been a road of battles the entire time. About 6 months before our wedding things started to get really busy in my life with graduating college and applying for jobs; while also planning a big wedding...by myself. I hardly had time for my at the time fiance, because I was so busy living my life and trying to get things that needed to done accomplished. I spent many nights crying to him asking for help and he didn't do anything. I became very frustrated because I felt like I was going at the world alone. He just said that it would get better after we got married and the stress would go away. Boy was he wrong. I worked all summer in a 12-8 job, his job was 8-5 so our hours were a lot different so we didn't get to see eachother a lot. once a week for a month i would stay after work and visit with my friends and have a beer...this became a huge problem. I went to theraphy and would have early sessions in the morning that I would stay with a girlfriend from school. It was great to see friends that i hadn't seen in a while but me going to theraphy ended up being a big trust issue for him--so i quit. We are really struggling. there is no passion in our relationship--we dated for four years before we got engaged and things were ok. he was, with a lack of better words a smart ass 90% of the time; he was always right in every fight and always pinned everything bad that happened on something that i had done in the past. right now we're fighting because i told him i wasn't sure if i wanted to get married or not--we started counseling but i'm not sure if either of us even want this anymore--both of us are so tired of trying to make the other one happy. He says he wants something and then i eventually do it and he still isn't happy and he tells me that that's not what he wanted. I dont' know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 10 September 2012 12:04 posted by Guest

    I Dont know what to do?: I have been married for close to 3 years now, my husband and I got married when I was 20 and he was 22. We have gone through alot these past years. He went to jail for 8 and 1/2 months for drug dealing. It was very dissapointing for me, but I stuck with him through it all. When we first got married my husband use to have serious anger issues but through time he has been able to work on them. We do not have kids at the moment because I have never been ready to commit to kids because of my insecurities about our relationship. I am now at the point that I don't know what to do. I am so confused. The problem that I am dealing with now is the same problem that I have being dealing with since we 1st got married. My husband tells me that he is not happy married and that he feels that he was rushed into marriage. At first when he began telling me these thing he would always say that he was sorry and that he didn't mean what he said. Ever since our marriage he has continued to tell me this over and over and then apologizing right after. I feel like I am dealing with 2 completely different persons. The problem is that I am very tired of this situation. I feel like I just want to give up and leave. It is so frustrating to be married to a person that does not know what he wants. My husband is dealing with major identity problems and he does not know what he wants. I don't know what to do. Can someone please give me some advice! Should I run or stick around?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 09 September 2012 17:16 posted by Guest

    wow: Wow... I really thought I was the only one in this situation. The only difference is this is my first divorce and I have no children. Although he does. He has a 10 yr old daughter he rarely ever sees. He didn't even come with me to buy her birthday present!!! He's diabetic and he's in denial or something. He won't take care of his health, denies that his symptoms (multiple ER trips, constant vomiting and neuropathy) are anything serious. He has a criminal history (shoplifting) so his chances of ever really finding another job (a good one) are very slim. I had to give him my car and buy a new one because he wouldn't make the car payments ($200) for his other car and it was repossessed. He sits around the house all day and watches tv. He will occasionally do some dishes or maybe a load of laundry about once or twice a month. I hate the idea of sex with him. He can't give me a child, something I want more than anything in the world. He's so clingy too. I work all day and night managing a security company and when I come home, he's ALWAYS there. I can't go to the store alone, hell, I can't even go smoke a cigarette outside alone. He eats like crazy so I'm constantly buying groceries. I stopped eating regularly to try to save money and I've lost thirty pounds in one month. I still care about him, although I'm not sure why, but at the same time I absolutely loathe and completely resent him. I don't want to hurt him and I'm afraid of what he may do if I mention divorce or even separation. I'm afraid of the change and feeling like a failure. Our one year wedding anniversary is tomorrow for heavens sake. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. My health is declining and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. But I have NO IDEA how to tell him I want out. Someone please help. Email me. lauramwood88@gmail.com

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 08 September 2012 05:10 posted by Guest

    Good and bad...: This is my fourth marriage.... and finally I am not in an abusive one. Heres my deal. Hes good to my kids..... but as lazy as a RUG!!! He has has not kept a job over 3 months and when he does have one he calls out all the time. Also when he does work he brings home only 5-10 bucks because his child support takes it all. Ok...so I could deal with that....however...I work 60 hours a week to make ends meet...HIS truck payment included. He works (on most recent job that hes now quit) 36 hours at most....I come home...the house looks like a tornado has hit it...I have to push mow the yard (3 acres)... I have to make the kids do their chores....he eats, sleeps, watches TV and plays video games. Now his latest excuse is he is sick.... the emergency room doctor saw nothing of emergency. I even told him to go to a DIFFERENT E.R. He sat at home all week and did NOTHING to get treatment for this mysterious ailment. (again.... funny how he gets sick with every job). I am fed up. I absolutely LOATHE him. I only have 2 reasons for staying with him. Hes good to my kids and since I work nights as a nurse hes here at night. Otherwise he has no purpose... nada....zilch. He is completely useless. I dont want yet ANOTHER divorce...but I dont know how long I can keep this up. Hes making life HARDER financially. I even supported my step-son (gladly and with love) and my husband didnt work then. When I met him he was a hard worker. He lost that job so we had to move back to my home state. Since then....its been this way. Also the only reason his child support is SO high is because he didnt work and now hes having to pay BACK child support. I give up on marriage PERIOD!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 07 September 2012 22:45 posted by Guest

    email me: You need to email me asap. I'm a
    military wife too. I can help you. amyraewaterman@gmail

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 06 September 2012 22:41 posted by Guest

    OMG HELP!!!: I HAVE BEEN MARRIED ONLY 3 MONTHS.wE HAVE SEX MAYBE 2 TIMES A WEEK HE LOVES TO WATCH THE TV ITS JUST AN DISASTER HE YELLS AT ME ALL THE TIME AND HE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON MY KIDS.nOW I AM THE BREAD WINNER FOR NOW WHICH IS OKAY FOR THE MOMENT BUT HE COMPLAINS ABOUT EVERYTHING . HE WATCHES PORN WAY TOO MUCH .iTS LIKE HE LEAVES EVERYTHING ON ME THIS IS NOT WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. IM SO MISERABLE JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO......

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 06 September 2012 14:42 posted by Guest

    Not what I signed up for...: My husband and I have been together 5 years, married for a little over 2. Should mention an age difference, he's 34 and I'm 42.

    The positive: Let me first start by saying that we are best friends, literally. We have an amazing connection and are extremely close and have all the major core points of view in common. We laugh a lot and have a blast together. He is affectionate; frequent "I love you's", kisses, holding hands, cuddling. I had a daughter from a prior marriage who's biological father was a complete absentee deadbeat, and my husband stepped in and raised her like she was his own and is still GREAT with her (she's 20 now and out of the house). She really loves him, and loves us as a family unit. He's the only dad she has ever known.

    Now, the bad. He struggles with many things, clinical depression (he's on meds for this), drug addiction (he is 1 1/2 years sober), anger issues (not directed at me, but others at random times - unpredictable), abandonment issues (his bio father left when he was 3, never to be heard from again, raised by a step-father). I have been extremely sympathetic to his problems and very supportive with all. However, there have been many times (more than I can count) where I've caught him in lies, on sex cruising websites while on business trips, secret communications with other women on Facebook, texting, etc., watching what I consider to be an unreasonable amount of porn on our computer, DVD's and also going to public porn theaters. Every time a new discovery is made, I confront him. He instantly flies into a rage and a major meltdown ensues, which usually escalates to a point of me wanting out of the relationship. Once he realizes this, the panic, apologies and promises to stop the behavior begin. Inevitably he will blame his depression, tell me he's messed up in the head and thinking of suicide, etc. In the beginning I believed him and pressed on, but demanding that he seek counseling to fix these things. He went for therapy for 2 months and then quit. These episodes are still happening, and most recently I found a bottle of Poppers (amyl nitrate) in his backpack...confronted him about it and he vehemently denied sniffing it (or even KNOWING that it was used as a drug at all) and said it was commonly used as ink remover and that he found it somewhere. I didn't believe this for a second, but we moved on largely because after years of dealing with deception and shady activities, I'm actually starting not to care anymore. A couple weeks ago again I found another brand new bottle of poppers, again I confronted him and again...he found this one too, used as ink remover. I didn't even bother fighting about it this time.

    We have other problems as well: sex no more than 1 every six weeks (he blames no sex drive on his depression and side effects of meds - but oddly still has enough drive for all the porn), and he is irresponsible with money and I am constantly bailing us out of financial situations due to his past debts and credit issues that keep cropping up and his current spending. I do care for him a lot, but all of his actions have diminished my love for him and I find myself now wondering if marrying him was the wrong decision. I cry almost every single day and feel anxious and helpless all the time. I suffer from insomnia now, most nights I lay there and think about things, trying to decide what to do. I know divorcing him would devastate my daughter, and I'm afraid he would go back to using drugs, or depression spiral out of control into real suicide.

    Help.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 05 September 2012 19:44 posted by Guest

    Confused and Undecided: I have been married now for a year and a half but together for 6. All thoughout my marriage, I have been catching my husband cheating through online conversations with other women. He had a facebook account that he continually meet with women on and also through email. He has been linked to about 7 or 8 different women. I occasionally go through his email and phone because of his cheating ways. I dont like doing it but I have to know that his promises to stop are true. We have done counseling with a pastor and have 2 kids but nothing has stopped him from forming these so called "friendships." About four years ago, he developed a work relationship with a woman who he became emotionally involved with. I learned of the relationship and called the woman who told me she was married (we were not at the time) and that their relationship was nothing but a friendship. I learned through email that she had lied. I was pregnant with our first child during this and couldnt imagine raising the kid alone, so I tried to work on the relationship. Before that, I received emails from some woman before me telling me that they had rekindled their relationship and he was denying me. I took this as jealousy and never put much mind to it. But after everything we have gone through, today he is still meeting women at work and trying to hook up. what do I do? I recently gave birth to our daughter about 5 weeks ago and I am becoming very depressed over this. What do I do? I have a husband that is being unfaithful emotionally.......

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 September 2012 21:17 posted by Guest

    I don't know what to do: My husband and I have been married just over 1 year. We have had sex 1 time in the last 9 months or so (maybe longer), and I was asleep for most of it. I woke up in the middle and let him proceed. I was literally sick at my stomach the next day. I don't find myself sexually attracted to him at all, nor do I enjoy physical contact with him (I find myself shying away from his touches and kisses). He mostly annoys me, though we do have good companionship at times.
    Here's the deal... I had a 2 month affair with a married coworker about 5 months ago. At this point, I hadn't had sex with my husband in quite some time, and I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me for not wanting/enjoying sex anymore. I was really down on myself for not fulfilling "wife duties" or whatever. Anyways, a connection developed with my coworker, and we resisted anything for about a month, though it was clear that we were very attracted beyond physically. We fell in love, and it is the most heart-wrenching experience I've ever had. For a couple of months, we texted, we stayed late at work, we stole all kinds of moments, and I was (and still am) head over heels for this guy. We had a business trip for a week that was just the two of us, and that was the last week we were together. He ended things, saying he wouldn't go through divorce again (he's in his second marriage). He cut me off cold, though I have to see him every day and most weekends as all of our friends are mutual. One friend of mine knows because the pressure of hiding such a huge secret eventually cracked me. Otherwise, no one else knows.
    So now, 3 months later, I am considering divorce. Needless to say I considered it long before, but I just couldn't bring myself to think it was the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt him (worse than I already have). I have given myself these 3 months away from the affair before deciding further because I don't want to divorce for the wrong reasons. I do not want this to be a situation of me leaving my new husband for the next shiny thing (however much I may still love said shiny thing, regardless of the fact that he will no longer have anything to do with me).
    I am immensely unhappy and cannot envision myself spending the next 50 years in a marriage without sex, intimacy, or love. I was stupid and young (I just turned 24) and thought he was a nice stable guy who would make a good husband and father. We do not have children, nor shall we ever at this point.
    I know it sounds like I've made up my mind, but I guess I just wondered if anyone had an alternate perspective or agreement or anything. I'm open to all comments, and if I do go through with a divorce, I have no idea how to proceed. We have a lot of debt (a car and some store credit) and share a lease on an apt until May. Our checking acct is joint, as is our savings. It seems like it will be a logistical nightmare on top of an already emotional disaster. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 September 2012 16:23 posted by Guest

    Conflicted and Confused: You nailed it---you can't love someone you can't trust. You are staying longer because you have the power to stay or leave. That happened to me, and I stayed years too long.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 September 2012 15:15 posted by Guest

    Go back and read what you: Go back and read what you wrote. Now, do you really have to ask what you should do? Run, don't walk!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 02 September 2012 11:06 posted by Guest

    divorce : so my husband and i have been married for a year and 1 month we both have wanted a child well i am now 16 weeks and 5 days. He has been cheating on me and abusing me since i have been pregnant. He didnt start hitting me til he came back from iraq (need i note he went while it was safe and didnt take no fire no anything didnt even get to shoot his weapon just went over there to help clean up and sit in a truck) so its not like he was doing anything to mess up his head. well the beating me started about march he got back from iraq october of last year. we tried for nearly 6 months for a baby but the catch is he cant quit getting on different websites like plenty of fish and crap like that and talking to other woman getting there numbers sending them naked pix of himself and them sending naked pix of themselves and he has dont this now 7 times and we have only been married for 1 year we have only been together for 17 months he would quit talking to them and say we are working it out and then be back to it 2 months later. He is apparently not a one woman man. not to mention while he was out on training he spent all the rest of the money($100) getting on these different websites and that left me (pregnant) with no food. Im over getting treated like this his family is going against me trying to accuse me of different things just to make there o so precious son look better and they think im lying about it all. o yea im lying when i have pix of my bruises and my dogs raw spots from being kicked so hard but im lying ummmm no i dont think so. I also have some of the proof that he has been talking to all these other woman. not to mention he is a mason! He got kicked out of the house on wed this is now sunday and he has left me with no money to get something to eat, no phone(he had them turned off) to get ahold of my drs and things, he has the only vehicle that we had, and the stupid army aint doing nothing about all of this! This is all a bunch of bull crap if you ask me. He knocks me up and then he wants to leave me? He pushes me down stairs while pregnant and denys it even though a friend of mine seen it. So what would you do in a case like mine? He has to pay me until we get a divorce and then he is going to have to pay child support when the child gets here. O and not to mention now that he is out of the house he is not trying to contact me he has a phone that he got and he failed to tell me about it what about me a phone to get a hold of my drs and everyone else? He has been going out with other girls this weekend and not going home til 5-6 am just because he is out with these girls. I mean really dude your still married! You say that you dont even know what you want yet. He says he dont know what he wants as in a divorce or to stay together. I have put forth so much effort to save this marriage for the past 8 months that its not even funny i cant fight any more especially being pregnant. So what do i do?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 02 September 2012 10:56 posted by Guest

    Do they ever really change?: I have been married for almost 18 years, we were very young when we got married. I have put up with alot,when we were married about a year and had a 6 month old he decided he didnt want to work or be a grown up, i took care of everything and worked to support us, he finally grew up some and got a job. Then 4 years into our marriage i got preg with our second child he wanted to separate then and wanted me to have an abortion becauce at the time i know he was talking to another women and i think cheating. I refused to have an abortion and he was horrible to me the entire time, then when i had our second child he did a complete turnaround he begged me to forgive him and stay so i did. We were happy for several years or so i thought. when we had been married for 14 years he started drinking heavily and not coming home some nights.Then i found out about the other women, he told me he did not love me and had not for a long time. He walked out on me and the kids and continued his affair for 9 more months. i begged for his love and went to counseling and he eventually went to and we got back together he said he would stop drinking and that he was so sorry, that he did love me and that he was just messed up in the head after his Dad died. I have tried to make it work and forgive him ever since, he changed some for a while but the last 18 months he started drinking heavily again, he is very mean to me he starts fights with me and says horrible things to me until i am crying uncontrolably he is also mean and nasty to our 2 boys. I begged him to change to go to counseling to stop drinking to go to church he would not. A about a month ago he started screaming at me and cussing at our oldest child and my oldest child (who is very mild and a really good kid) told him to shutup and that he was not going to talk to his mom that way, then my husband attacked him, i called the cops and we left and have not went back. Now my husband is going to church saying how sorry he is and how he has changed and begging us to come back. After everything and all the pain and broken promises should i divorce him? I just don't feel i could ever feel safe again niether could our children.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 01 September 2012 14:36 posted by Guest

    TO Patty posted on 8/30/12 8:28 pm: The same thing happened to me. We went through the adoption preparation classes and attended many hours of meetings. I got the mandated physical to be approved as an adoptive parent. As you know it is a long process to adopt. Anyway, all we really needed to do next was the police background check, the home visits and the deposit of the initial fees. My husband used that point in the process to become open about not having the money to go forward with the process- that our money was needed in other areas of financial obligation. I was hurt that he had led me so far down the path of adoption only to say those things when the money came due. In other words, it seemed the money part scared him off. We did not go forward with the adoption process and focused on financial obligations at that point. It is so heartbreaking to have the love and time and money to raise a child in a nice middle-class home, but to struggle with the adoption fees etc. which are extensive. Your husband most likely does want to be a parent. Especially if he has positive feelings about how he was raised also. He perhaps is trying to resolve some financial issues before adopting. Try to understand his financial concerns. What do you both need to resolve financially before going forward with adoption? Can he give you a calendar date when he will go forward with the adoption application fees? Just as aside, my relatives tried IVF to no success, they also had one adoption fall through because the birth mother changed her mind after the birth, they went with another agency and had a successful adoption. That child brought so much love into their lives that they decided to try and give her a sibling. Later they tried IVF again. This time it worked for them! What a blessing. They had twins. God works in mysterious ways. Another friend who adopted told me her husband lost his job within days of the home visit. They forged ahead even though at the time he was looking for work. Life is full of uncertainties and things not being in order. It is what you do with the uncertainties that sets the course of your life. Best wishes to you and your husband. I hope to hear good news from you again.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 31 August 2012 01:16 posted by Guest

    I think you need to ask him: I think you need to ask him to sit with you and work out a budget so you can make the initial payment. If he says yes than you book him in with a day and time. If he says no I think you need to directly ask him if it is what he wants. It may turn out he doesnt really want to do it which can be tricky when applying for adoption as both parents need to be in agreement.
    Sorry you are going through this.You may need professional help.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 30 August 2012 21:28 posted by Guest

    Despeartely want Children, is he stalling me?: I have always wanted to be a mother from the first time I held a child. That feeling has never left me; however wanted to find the right man to spend the rest of my life with. I found him and live him with all my heart. We decided as a married couple in our early 30s we were at a place to start trying to have a family...I am approaching my 40th birthday and have had many fertility issues leaving us childless. We have been discussing adoption however the cost is high and the process is lengthy. He agreed to adoption however recently has been spending our funds in other areas and has been making comments that x x and x need resolved financially before paying our application fee. This has been going on for over a year. I am not sure if he wants children or just doesn't want to adopt. When do I give up? It is causing a division in our marriage that has not ever been there before and I am getting less and less interested in doing activities with him where we were once inseperatable.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 30 August 2012 18:25 posted by Guest

    That is a HORRIBLE thing for: That is a HORRIBLE thing for him to do. A marriage is a partnership!! Just because you are not making money the way he is does not mean you shouldn't have a say in it, especially when it comes to super big purchases!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 30 August 2012 14:17 posted by Guest

    Need some outside advice: My husband and I will be married for 14 years this October (together 15). We met and married in Florida and have been living out in Utah for the last 9 years. Things in our marriage were good (not great but good) in the beginning. We met at work (we worked at a restaurant) and had the same circle of friends. We went out frequently and had fun. Since we have moved to Utah things have changed drastically!! It has become more apparent of how little my husband and I actually have in common. Our differences weren't quite so noticable in Florida. And since we moved out here my husband seems almost CONSTANTLY miserable. He keeps changing jobs because he can't be happy at any of them (which has caused us financial strain in the past). He NEVER wants to do ANYTHING. If he is not working than all he wants to do is sit in the house. I have had MANY talks with him about this. I like to enjoy life...get out..do things. He does not. Everytime I tell him I want to do something (like go for a bike ride or a walk) he tells me...go do them. If I wanted to do everything alone I would have stayed single. And if we do end up doing something together he makes the event miserable. He is a horribly negative short tempered person. He is completely incapable of holding a conversation with me and our sex life is HORRIBLE!! I have a much much higher sex drive than he does and at some points in the marriage we would go months without having sex. Things had gotten so bad that we tried to move back to Florida hoping that would help fix it (but an unexpected surgery kept us out here). I have tried for the last 10 years to try and help my husband become a happier less negative person. With no luck. When I finally hit my breaking point and tell him I can't take it anymore he usually turns things around for about a week or so but then goes back to being his usual horrible miserable self. He even tried counseling but doesn't use ANY of the tools or practices the councelor gave hime. Sometimes I get so depressed that I often dream of running away or try to think of ways to kill myself to make it look like an accident. I can't bear the thought of hurting him but I also cannot bear the thought of staying with him any longer. My mother and my best friend both think I should leave him, but I can't help but to feel like I'm just being selfish. It's not like he's a drug addict or an alcoholic. He doesn't abuse me and he's never cheated on me (he's too lazy to). But I never see myself being able to be happy with him...it can be NOT horrible...but never truly happy. Please give some advice.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 29 August 2012 13:28 posted by Guest

    What should I do?: I have been married for 26 years. 2 children 23&18. The youngest just left for college, the oldest lives overseas. We put the house up for sale because it was too big and my husband wanted to move closer to his job to save on the winter commute. We have an offer on the house. I had an anxiety attack in signing the papers. I wasn't sure I could deal with all the change. I also recently lost my job in an industry that I had been in for 24 years due to downsizing and technology changes. While I was taking my daughter to college my husband bought a $60,000 car without talking to me about it. I have learned that he actually put a deposit down on it 4 months prior. He makes good money but continually uses money from an account I do not have access to for large ticket purchases. I have been to counseling over this secretive issue but he continually says it his money and he is entitled to do with it what he wants and is angry that I even question it. I feel like an idiot and a victim. Do you think this is a good reason to get a divorce?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 28 August 2012 23:09 posted by Guest

    I know we're right for each other: My wife and I have been married 12 years in September, together for 14. We have many things in common from religion, politics, to family and finances. We enjoy sailing, biking, hiking, camping, kayaking, scuba diving, adventure travel, etc. We have no money issues, she works part time as a nurse because I want her to have a good life and low stress. We have no kids, and a older dog. We live what most would think is a ideal life with no kids, we travel up to 10 weeks a year to fun places, we have family over to our place. Now enter the problems, soon after our wedding our car was rear ended by a tractor trailer. The car was totaled but she did not walk away without injury like me. She has dealt with pain from the accident since that time. Then there are the expectations of hers that I spend no time with friends or work. That we have too much clutter (mainly our garage) and that she can't trust me, despite not having any real reason to. I love her deeply but she does not feel like the priority in our lives. She says she is happy 50% of the time, but now is at the ultimatum stage where she says if things don't change she wants a divorce. She has been saying things need help for years and I have been making incremental progress.
    I am a social person, but in my mind appropriately so. I like to be social WITH her, not without her, but she would rather stay in most of the time. I have been faithful, don't have any addictions and just want her to be happy. Her own traits are perfectionist, some insecurities, and entitlements for support due to the injuries. I tend to have controlling tendencies and the center of social attention when we are out.
    When we spend time together it is often happy and fun. But we have times of frustration as well. She says she has no energy left to put into the relationship.
    So we have two crisis we are dealing with now. Her chronic pain and her being frustrated with some of my traits. Both are wearing on us both, and although I am an eternal optimist I fear that if I go along with all her demands, I'll be giving up a lot of things that make me who I am. I know in my heart its not over so I'm trying to determine if her ultimatums are pleas for help, or really the end. Thanks for reading my long post!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 27 August 2012 07:56 posted by Guest

    need for divorce: am tired of living the anhappy lifefull of lies

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 26 August 2012 23:14 posted by Guest

    I did this for a couple: I did this for a couple years. I knew I didn't have feelings. He finally got fed up with my coldness and left me. It was the best thing to happen to me. My kids deserve to see their parents in love. They are much healthier and happier. It was hard at first. I luckily have a very good relationship with my ex. I think that has made it much better for them.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 26 August 2012 23:06 posted by Guest

    The fact that you're even: The fact that you're even asking says a lot. I think we all know the answers deep down, but there are so many factors that make us stay in a dead relationship. My ex left me eight years ago and I still thank him once in awhile. I don't like change and would have
    kept going for much longer.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 26 August 2012 12:59 posted by Guest

    I am just wondering ... if he: I am just wondering ... if he doesn't want any kids, then why doesn't he have a vasectomy. Alternatively, is any birth control being used?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 23 August 2012 09:36 posted by Guest

    Need advice!! : I have been with my husband for 11 years married 10. We have 3 kids. 9, 8 and 5. Everything was peachy the first 5 years. But after my youngest was born he left me when she was only a month old. I found out later that he was seeing another woman. Only a week later she found out she was pregnant and tried to say it was his. Which we found out later that it wasn't. We reconciled a few months after I found out about the other woman because he said he made a mistake and wanted us to be a family again. Everything was great for about a year. Then we end up splitting up again, not because he wanted to but because I still thought he wasn't being truthful. He moved out and I find out a month later that he had moved in with his uncles wifes cousin. Well he started missing me and and I started missing him so we got back together. I know I was stupid for doing that. Well everything was good up until about 2 Christmas's ago. He left me and the kids christmas day and moved into his mothers place while she was in florida. I was working and bringing the kids to him in the afternoons. We did this for about 2 weeks and I got the feeling he was hiding something because he wouldn't let me come in the house, he would just meet me at the door and send me on my way. I found out thru my oldest child that there was a woman living there. So decided one night to go by unexpected to catch him. And sure enough the same woman he was with after my youngest was born was there! Living with him!!! So he tried to say there was nothing going on and that she needed a place to stay, but of course I didn't believe him!! I knew better. Well he caught her sleeping with some guy and kicked her out and then came to me and told off on himself. He said I just caught her cheating on me so I kicked her out. And that he loved me and wanted to come home. Stupid me I let him come home. Ever since then I have been very unhappy! When he comes home from work I get sick to my stomach. When he wants to have sex I just close my eyes and pray for it to be over. He's always worked hard never been without a job. He doesn't have any expensive habits, drinking, drugs or any of that. So he's always been supportive money wise. He has been verbally abusive for the last 5 years, callin me fat, ugly, dumba**, etc. He's hit me once and I hit him back with the skillet I was gonna use for dinner and told him if he ever hit me again I would make sure he would end up in the hospital. I'm done! I don't know what to do anymore. I try to talk to him and he just turns it into a fight. I'm done fighting. I don't wanna do it anymore. I'm not in love with him and I just wish he would leave. He told me last night that he was miserable with me in his life. So what should I do?? I don't work right now but since all my kids r in school now I have been looking for a job. Once I get one and save enough money I will be filing for divorce. He won't get the house. Its on my parents land. So he would be the one leaving. I would ask my mom for help but she already can't stand him she just deals with him cause I'm married to him. We r both 28 and I feel like we can both be happy, just not together. Somebody please help me and what u think I should do. Thanks.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 23 August 2012 05:00 posted by Guest

    I agree: If there is violence involved, or even a possibility of it, then children will understand why you had to leave the way you did! Watching a woman be abused by your father is something I went through. And then the police came and took him to jail..yeah I guess thats much better and less traumatic than packing bags quietly. We did get to pack bags undisturbed...eventually! Come on..some things break the rules of "being mature". Like safety. Im proud of my Mom calling the cops and standing her ground in leaving, especially since I knew long before my parents ever admitted....that they should split.

    Kids pick up on a lot of things, dont loose sight of that! Just some thoughts.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 23 August 2012 04:49 posted by Guest

    Change is scary..: A poll has been taken for many years on people that are on their death beds. The terminally ill say that the #1 regret they have... "Is living for other peoples needs and expectations. Therefore..foregoing their true selves..not living there life to the fullest against all adversary. Trust that you can put yourself first and follow your heart. If it is telling you beyond a shadow of a doubt to leave..then you will find happiness on the other side in due time.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 22 August 2012 22:07 posted by Guest

    Conflicted and Confused: Alright, let me start by saying that if I'm writing this now to women I've never met but have similar stories, it's probably over. I have been with my husband for almost 11 years, married for almost 9. I started dating him when I was nineteen. We were the envy of all our friends because our relationship was perfect, (or close to). Fast forward seven years. My husband likes to gamble. No big deal, it was never a problem. However, his mother is a gambler too and was so bad she had to go on Betsoff. (This did not stop her.) On our seven year anniversary, she calls my husband and wants to go gamble. We weren't doing anything, just hanging at home, but it was our ANNIVERSARY! I told my husband no he couldn't go. He tells his mom but then tells me shes coming over. I asked why, there was no reason for it because he wasn't going gambling. She comes over and they both just sit there on my couch looking at me, making me feel like a B***H, and I say Fine go ahead. Big Mistake. My husband becomes heavily addicted after that and his mom is his enabler. He started sneaking behind my back, taking money I didn't know about and gambling. He'd pick fights with me just so he could go to the boat and I wouldn't say anything because we'd make up and I didn't want to bring it up again and keep fighting. It was like being cheated on with the boat or his mother. Weird. Then I began to suspect real cheating. We had always talked about a threesome, (his idea of course) but with the way things were going, I was cooling to the idea. Then he gets a web camera. I was immediately suspicious. He said it didn't work but I would walk in to find it plugged in to the USB port. If it doesn't work, why is it plugged in? The truth is, I'm more computer savvy then him. I found deleted pictures of him below the waste in the trashcan, and I hacked his Yahoo account and recorded his conversation to a fifty year old married woman. We were 27! WTF? I found out from the message that they had talked on the phone. I confronted him and it resulted in a seperation. A few weeks later we reconciled, but I lived like it would end for the next eight months. Cue an explosive fight and everything settled down to where we were before things went bad. Almost three years later, I feel like I'm on the repeat cycle. He's always been addicted to porn, (What is with guys?) and he watches it on his phone all the time. Now I'm starting to feel like I should go through his phone, which I never have done before, but he deletes his messages and e-mails. Am I crazy? Or do I suspect this because it's real? I am not a girl you cheat on, not because I'm perfect, but because I won't put up with that s***. If I can keep my legs closed to other men for 11 years, he can keep it in his pants or get the F*** out. So let me be clear, if cheating was the problem, I'd drop him in a heartbeat. It's hard to love a man you can't trust and I'd rather take my chances. However, lately, we've been fighting. Most of the time we're great. But the moment we fight, always over something small, I begin to question why I'm still doing this? It used to be that small fights were forgiven. Now everytime I think it's the last time. Tonight we fought over a simple comment and he left. He says he doesn't know where he's going or when he'll be back. I told him to take the time and decide if he's happy because if he's not I won't keep him here. If he decides to leave, I know I'll be okay. The question I need answered is: Should I just do it myself? I won't be a B***H, we've seperated before, but if I do it now, it will be for the last time. We have no kids, but we share a lot of friends, and I am close to his family. I can't help but think that the fact that I'm writing this and that I'm not crying and that I know I will survive means it's over. Has anyone else just felt like you're stuck? I want to stay home, he wants to go out. I want to save money, he wants to spend it. I want to work full-time, he wants to quit his job. We are two different people who want different things. I believe love is all that's holding us together and I'm not sure that's enough anymore. How do you know when love dies? Do I still love him, or do I love the man he used to be? I don't know what to do. I know it will always be my choice, but I have no one to talk to. The poeple I'm closest to are friends or family of his as well. I don't think it would be right to drag them into it and I can't ask my own family because they would just take my side. Someone please respond.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 20 August 2012 22:14 posted by Guest

    Let the friendship go. In: Let the friendship go. In marriage there is compromise. You made the mistake and now you will need to do what you must to reassure him including cooling it with the friendship.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 20 August 2012 22:11 posted by Guest

    Divorce or not: My hubby and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We met in South America, where I am from during my vacation there. He had a daughter which I accepted. Shortly after he cheated with his daughter's mom and called me and told me. I accepted his apology because I was still playing the field also. Fastforward a year he stated the daughter's mom just had twins. I count back and ask if they are his and he says no. I believed him. I graduate from college, get engaged, get married. Two years later his landlord in south america makes sure to deliver a letter to me from another out of the country woman he slept with. I leave and go my uncles and he comes after me. He asks me if I can say I did not cheat on him in America and I admit I did and we agree to stop it all. He moves to the US and I catch him sending money to the woman in London in 2008. A week ago he was caught not where he was supposed to be and admits he was naked and ready to cheat until I called and told him I was coming where he was supposed to be. My friend saw him running to get back where he was supposed to be. I loved this man so much. I never planned on marrying due to all the infidelity I witnessed in my life with my own parents and other family. He has lived through it too. We got together and discussed how we did not want to be like our parents but he keeps sabotaging our happiness. He is a strangely caring man. Cooks, cleans and helps me to do things for myself I would not do. He has feelings of inadequacy because my family is considered to be more prominent in our community back home but that never mattered to me. I love him, I do. Through this pain I feel he has still been a blessing in my life, but I cannot keep getting hurt and fighting for this relationship if he is not also. He is frustrated with me right now because we are in separate room's and I am not getting over all that he put at risk a week ago. I want to go to counseling but I am tired of doing everything. He needs to do the fighting now and he is not. We have no kids together. I can't have kids naturally. Then there are the twins that I found out maybe his from him cheating with the girl from London. As I type this I feel like an idiot that has already stayed to long. But God left all this love in my heart for him. What can I do? It is unfair for me to keep dealing with this when I have been faithful since we recommited ourselves. There have been texts with a woman I saw which was inappropriate.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 20 August 2012 08:53 posted by Guest

    to vicki: Vicki, your situation sounds like me! I'm here on-line looking for ways to tell him... I'm so depressed, so sad, I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist, but I just WANT to be divorced.

    We are married almost 13 yrs, my kids are 10 and 11 yrs old (one of each) and are doing well in school. My daughter has very very low self-esteem and is not real close with her father (she is not "Daddy's Little Girl" like I thought she would be). I'm almost to the point where I don't know if leaving will make it worse for her, or save her.

    but I'm so depressed and feel so trapped. I too having nothing for myself, except being a Mom...

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 19 August 2012 13:30 posted by Guest

    What to do? : I have been married for 2 years, about a year ago my husband and I became friends with two women (a lesbian couple). We would all go to the bar and hang out and also hang out at each other's houses. He wanted a 3 three-some with one of them, and that didn't end up happening. Then Recently I sent a picture of myself in underwear and shirt to one of the females and he found the picture, I was joking around when I did it, I told him I was joking and tried to explain it, although now I realize it may have not been funny. After that we argued about it and he stated he didn't want to hang out with them, but I could every other week. So I agreed. Now its I give up those two friends or divorce. What do I do?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 19 August 2012 00:58 posted by Guest

    How could she give him a: How could she give him a heads up?.I've been in that situation before.tell someone that gets violent that you are leaving and see how bad he beats you up. Its not fun

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 18 August 2012 22:30 posted by Guest

    Well, he just recently called: Well, he just recently called me telling me that he needs an answer from me because if I say no 'there is still time to find someone to fall in love with before going back overseas'. I understand the hardship of being over there, fighting every day for your life, and am very thankful to all of our soldiers, but...if he really wanted me to be in his life, shouldn't I be the only one he is thinking about? End of story?? It makes me mad that he says he is trying so hard to be good. Why is being faithful and responsible so effn hard? Yeah, ok it's hard to maintain some days, but most everyone does it and enjoys life. Is going out with whoever and drinking all night really that hard to say no to? I have made my decision and now I get to play feel guilty about him not seeing the kids, even though he could have made this tons better when he had the chance, but decided trips with the guys were a better option. Therapy here i come.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 18 August 2012 01:20 posted by Guest

    Please help me: Im married to my 3rd husband it has almost been 5 years. In 2008 I found out I was preggo I told him and he said I need to have an abortion or he would leave and file for a divorce. I st upidly did this. I had so much hate in my heart for him I fOund myself using our credit cards to make me happy. 2011 rolls around Im on the preggo train again and abortion #2 shows up this time it went bad I ended up having a miscarriage from a bad abortion. And again I use the credit cards again and he said he can live like this and how there is something wrong with me and I love money more than I love him. Not true btw. Well A month ago I enrolled into college and I needed the money to pay for it so I went behind his Back and cashed in his stocks to pay for school well then I find out I'm preggo again and he brings up the abortion again well I didn't tell him I cashed in the stocks he found out on his own now he says he doesn't know if he wants this marriage and how I stole the money from him. I'm need advice can it get better or do I need to throw in the towel h

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 18 August 2012 00:48 posted by Guest

    Please help me: Im married to my 3rd husband it has almost been 5 years. In 2008 I found out I was preggo I told him and he said I need to have an abortion or he would leave and file for a divorce. I stupidly did this. I had so much hate in my heart for him I fOund myself using our credit cards to make me happy. 2011 rolls around Im on the preggo train again and abortion #2 shows up this time it went bad I ended up having a miscarriage from a bad abortion. And again I use the credit cards again and he said he can live like this and how there is something wrong with me and I love money more than I love him. Not true btw. Well A month ago I enrolled into college and I needed the money to pay for it so I went behind his Back and cashed in his stocks to pay for school well then I find out I'm preggo again and he brings up the abortion again well I didn't tell him I cashed in the stocks he found out on his own now he says he doesn't know if he wants this marriage and how I stole the money from him. I'm need advice can it get better or do I need to throw in the towel

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 17 August 2012 17:59 posted by Guest

    He acts like I never asked for a divorce: I caught my husband in a bunch of lies (not the first time, but the third when actually confronted). I cannot prove he's had sex with anyone else, but he did admit to getting a BJ from some woman at a friends house (he says she stumbled drunk into his room and he couldn't stop her). I don't believe that for a second. I found out he had been texting this same woman for over 5 months. Talking about how they can't wait to see each other again, etc. Also, this is not the only woman I found out he was texting.

    We have had many problems over the years with his addiction to porn and those dating sites. Him taking below the belt pictures of himself and sending them to those "friend ads" on craigslist. He says it never went past e-mails, but again how can you believe someone when it happens again and again (year after year). It keeps happening. It's not like we don't have an active sex life ~ we do. It just never seems to be enough for him.

    I am finally sick of it. I've forgiven him over and over. Not gonna do it anymore. I've never understood how someone could say "I love him, but don't like him" until now. I know I'm not in love with him anymore and really just want to be on my own. I would rather that than be his in house maid, cook, etc.

    So I sat him down and told him I knew all about the other two women (I can look at our cell phone bills and see the phone # of who he texts) and I did read more than a few of them before he started deleting the texts. I let him know that I wanted a divorce. He got upset and said he would stop ~ he never had sex, it was just flirting. He wanted to give us another try, but I told him I cannot do it (for all the above reasons and more).

    So some time has gone by and because of financial reasons we have to live in the same house for the next 6 months. He now acts like I never had that conversation with him and tells me he loves me, brings me flowers, cleans up after himself. It is driving me crazy ~ I don't want to lead him on. I have been so happy since I decided to divorce (like a weight off my shoulders) and the thought of staying with him puts knots in my stomach.

    how do I handle this for the next 5 months?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 15 August 2012 12:02 posted by Guest

    Hi I am a 27 year old female: Hi I am a 27 year old female married to a 33 year old male, we 2 have children. He was my first at everything. We have been together for 8 yrs, married for almost 2 yrs. I love him very much. Our relationship has been a little rocky the entire time. I have dealt with females or "friends" as he calls them that did little sneaky things to break us up, he allowed them to do those things. Every so many months, Im hearing he sleeping with this one and that one. A female I had a problem with concerning him while we were dating, about their past dealings he denied ever having any type of relationship like that with her. We looked past those things and I still loved him and married him. About eight months after we got married I found out that in fact they had slept together and she wanted him and he entertained that thought. I have always tried to do everything to please everybody else but now I just want to live for me and make myself happy. He provides for us the best way he can, with his job and doing other things (some illegal things) I on the otherhand have a education and career and provide the bulk of financial support for our family. He has no interest in going to get his HS diploma or GED, he is comfortable. But I am not complacent with this. Not too long ago I cheated on him with a friend I met. I feel very bad and cannot get it off my mind. I dont know why I did it, its not right and I have cried and cried because I dont know how I feel. In a way I want to just be done with it and just get to know me and take care of our children. I want the best for him and I dont want to hurt him and I feel either way he is gonna be hurt. I just dont know if I can continue to go on knowing I'm unhappy.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 12 August 2012 21:39 posted by Guest

    Geez! Where do you meet these: Geez! Where do you meet these women?? I think I'll show my husband your story and tell him that's what happens if you don't step up. ;) glad you did not die from poisoning. You should have had an investigation on her so she can't try that on some other man.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 12 August 2012 18:55 posted by Guest

    I am going to serve him with: I am going to serve him with divorce papers while he's away from home because he is physically abusive. He is violent. He has shot off a gun to intimidate me without provocation, just to scare the hell out of me. He has mental issues. We don't have kids, thank god. He is emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, financially abusive, abusive in any way you can think about. The only way to do this is when he is away because I am scared as hell. He has refused psych help, marriage counseling, and every other kind of help because there is "nothing wrong with me." Right. I don't care about HIS feelings. I just want to be safe.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 10 August 2012 21:53 posted by Guest

    I feel the same way: I have been married for 11 years. We have 3 kids, ages 6, 4, and almost 2. My marriage is the worst it has ever been. My husband has completely changed from wanting to be a family man to wanting to hang out with friends all the time. We don't drink and he has taken that up with his friends. He had an affair. The only reason I found out is she threatened to tell me if he didn't. She also faked a pregnancy to keep him. She suddenly "miscarried" the day after I found out about the affair. He said he didn't know what he wanted. He said he wanted to be alone. Then he saw how upset I was and he wanted to come home. I don't feel like he is putting enough effort to get me back. He is out with his friends right now when I feel he should be "wining and dining" me. I think we need a separation. I am just afraid for the kids. I am also financially dependent on him. I want him to know what it is like to lose his family. I have been WAY to easy on him partly because his mistress still seemed to be after him. He told me he had feelings for her. WHAT???!!! I was waiting at home for him! Anyway it is so hard for me to let him go, but I feel like a doormat.
    He wants to go out whenever he wants. That's not married life. I am home all day with the kids and I am lonely.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 10 August 2012 18:01 posted by Guest

    Scared: I know I want to leave and I tried but then he made Me feel so guilty for breaking up the family that I decide to stay. He called his parents who I love and respect and had then come over. I don't want don't want to just leave when he is gone but its hard for me to be honest cause I feel trapped into staying ans I feel he will do the same thing again

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 10 August 2012 16:57 posted by Guest

    feel trapped: I have been married for 19 years. I got married at 18 to a 35 year old. I only dated him for 3 weeks. I was to marry my high school sweetheart, but he got someone else pregnant. So I least him be. I now feel trapped I have no kids, he convinced me to get my tubes tied. I regently spoke to my ex and he had came back looking for me 19 years ago but I was already married. I am disabled, but want to try to work and I still love my ex. My husband only wants me to work at home. Help I don't know what to do, but I have been unhappy for at least 6 years if not more.Plus in debt up to our necks.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 10 August 2012 03:05 posted by Guest

    Are you sure you want to do it this way?: I have heard it all. I have dozens of friends and have heard every divorce story under the sun. Encouraging your husband to go to a summer home while you move out is to blindside him. Why be so deceptive? To add to the feelings of hurt, and abandonment, he'll feel like you tricked him, so you'll start your separation off with extra anger above and beyond what he will normally experience!
    Your kids will see more hurt than they would if your were candid and more, well, mature about it. Remember, your kids will watch and remember every move of this split. They will see what you're doing as cruel and unnecessary. My friend left her husband the same way that you are planning. Her friends talked about it for years, I mean how cruel her choice of splitting was. I'm just saying, remember how this will impact your kids.
    When my mother divorced Dad, she drove up to my college and asked me if I was going to be OK with it. She did the same with my sister. I always remembered that...that it mattered what I thought and how I felt.
    Just some thoughts.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 09 August 2012 04:35 posted by Guest

    "Staying for the kids": "Staying for the kids" doesn't usually work...in my opinion. My mom stayed with my dad for 20 years for the sake of her kids because she as well could not financially support us and it inevitably ended in divorce. They married young and I believe at one point that she was in love with him, but to stay married to someone just for the kids is not only hurting you, but will hurt your kids as well. Many people think that staying for the kids is protecting them from imense pain in early child and adulthood, but really it's being dishonest with them and yourself. I understand that you feel that staying married is the ONLY option considering you cannot support them and have been repeatingly trying to improve your marriage. It's tiring and also beyond frustrating I can imagine considering he doesn't seem to be giving any effort at all to work on your relationship even after he was caught in a web of lies and continues to be selfish. I as well have 3 young children under the age of six and have had marital problems for the past several years. We have discussed divorce many times but have always seemed to meet in the middle and reconnect again, and I truly do love him. I feel you can only do so much, and with suggesting counseling and him rejecting that means he's not in this marriage mentally and of course spiritually. He's wandering through life and seems lost to me and won't reach out to you, his wife, when if he actually did then you both would have a chance to connect on a deeper level and then rebuild your trust with eachother. Catch him in the perfect moment when he seems calm and open to communicate, and tell him how much you love him and wish he would open up and talk to you about how he feels and it will help the relationship slowly rebuild itself. I think that the only reason a marriage should result in divorce is if there is no love and commitment from eachother. You've shown both love and commitment, and shown as well that you're VERY patient and can still forgive him for his hurtful mishaps. I really think he'd be making a big mistake by blowing you off one last time. Tell him how you're unhappy and notice he is as well, and state how you want the two of you to be happy together again like you once were, and if he shows no desire to work on it then he may have already checked out of the marriage for good. You don't deserve to be unhappy, and also your kids can sense your unhappiness. If you continue being unhappy then you'll lose yourself and stay in a marriage that may ultimately end in a future divorce. If it comes to that, then confide in your family or friends and let them know you have tried EVERYTHING to make it work. At first it'll feel impossible, but as time goes by you'll realize you will survive and will eventually be happy again. Staying married for the wrong reasons will result in the majority of your young life being spent not truly happy and not honest with yourself. Things can change and it seems you have the ability to make it happen.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 09 August 2012 02:38 posted by Guest

    soulmate advice: I feel the same way about my ex who at the time was wanting to settle down and I wasn't ready. I guess I waited to long......He was the one that got away for me. I don't even like to use the word "ex". I still think of him as a love, a friend, and a soulmate. At that time I knew he would marry whoever he met next, which he exactly did just that! At that time I was hurt that maybe I let us go so soon, but I knew I couldn't give him everything he wanted. Yes I had my friends and a large part of my social life I didn't want to part away with yet. When I met my husband, 5 years later I was at that point in my life that I was ready to make that commitment that I couldn't in my past relationship. I think timing in life is essential for a relationship to turn into to a marriage. My friends were having kids, or moving away, so I could focus more on the most important person in my life at the time I met my husband. I felt that my ex had all the qualities that I felt I was compatible with and I did love him. Now I have been with my huband for 10 years and married for 6 years, and have a daughter. I was ready at the time to get married with my husband, but now I realize he wasn't the ONE. I just wouldn't let myself believe it at the time, that I would regret letting him my ex go. All these years and I knew it from back then. I just didn't want to believe, but its that gut feeling you get where you just know. I always think of him.....and wonder. My heart does ache for someone that I knew I loved and didn't realize at that time that we were ideal. Listen to your instincts be REAL. Life is short. The negative life of your marriage is far worse for your daughter. Seeing both her parents unhappy with each other makes her think that this is ok. Your wife sounds like she is fustrated in the marriage too and now the least compatible to be with. Too much conflict in the marriage is not good for the child. Now in my marriage the unhappiness in our marriage is making our daughter unhappy. She said to me the other day, "mom, if you and dad are not meant to be together that is ok. If not being together gets you two to stop fighting than I will be happy again". To top it off I was curious to look at astrology/birthdate compatiblity charts for me and my ex....and sure enough our birthdates for mm/dd/yy are STRONG matches! My gut instinct was right from all those years ago.....My husband's chart and mine not so good I am a scorpio and him a sagittarius,

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 21:57 posted by Guest

    You are not crazy. He may: You are not crazy. He may flip out because of his meds, I've been there, done that with my sick soon-to-be ex. I remained calm but firm. I didn't raise my voice. I stated my position and refused to be engaged in argument. When he made demands and became difficult, I said that I wouldn't discuss it except in the presence of a licensed 3rd party (which I already knew he wouldn't do). Then I left the house and went to a movie. When I came back, he was calmer and we didn't discuss the subject at all. Earilier I was going about planning for the separation that I knew was inevitable. Emotional support, saving money, finding a place to go. I quietly removed some of my belongings from our home and put them in storage so that moving out would not be a long drawn out process. All this took over a year. I am looking forward to a happier life without him and you can too. Go for it. No one has the right to suffocate another person. He had choices that could have made you happier. He's the one who screwed up his life. Not you.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 21:44 posted by Guest

    What should you do??? STOP: What should you do??? STOP DRINKING. It never did any good for anyone. It's certainly not doing any good for your relationship. It's causing problems between you and your wife. Let me ask you these questions - does drinking impair your ability to have sex as often as she'd like? Does your breath and body stink of it (the smell comes out the pores of the skin)? Does it cost too much money? Does it cause you to be bleary-eyed at meals and fall asleep on the couch instead of being a companion to your wife and kid? This issue isn't about what you have each given up for the other. It's about kindness, consideration, and honoring her wishes. If you keep it up, she will probably leave you and if you think you can't afford to leave her, just think how you're not going to be able to afford it when SHE leaves YOU.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 21:37 posted by Guest

    What should you do??? STOP: What should you do??? STOP DRINKING. It never did any good for anyone. It's certainly not doing any good for your relationship. It's causing problems between you and your wife. Let me ask you these questions - does drinking impair your ability to have sex as often as she'd like? Does your breath and body stink of it (the smell comes out the pores of the skin)? Does it cost too much money? Does it cause you to be bleary-eyed at meals and fall asleep on the couch instead of being a companion to your wife and kid? This issue isn't about what you have each given up for the other. It's about kindness, consideration, and honoring her wishes. If you keep it up, she will probably leave you and if you think you can't afford to leave her, just think how you're not going to be able to afford it when SHE leaves YOU.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 21:18 posted by Guest

    I'm married to someone like: I'm married to someone like this. I'm 70 and I'm leaving next week. Ten yr. marriage. He quits drinking time after time then rationalizes that one drink won't hurt and you know how that goes. He is now prohibited from drinking by his doctor but he recently started again. He's driving around in his car drinking. I've had it. No more. When I was trying to help him, he mocked me, yelled, walked out of the room when I would bring up that or his considerable mental issues (I think he's bipolar). I can't afford to leave but will manage somehow. What I think about your situation is that if you can afford the basics, leave and you will find a way to survive. cut back on expenses, cook from scratch, buy things you need at thrift stores, which is fun anyway. As for your girls, I believe the court will ensure that you have enough for them. Also they will be happier if not around a jerk like him. What kind of example is he for them? They will think it's okay to put up with that sort of behaviour. I'd have a family meeting with you and your daughters after you've moved out. Tell them that you're all in this together and you may need their help. It could be a real coming-together time. Ideally they could each eventually get a part-time job like 10 hrs. a week and pay for some of their entertainment and extras. they might like working and it will give them valuable life experience. Afterward you will all be proud that you could pull together as a family. Because that is what you are - and that creep of a husband of yours should NOT be part of your family! Don't be ashamed for having married him. We all make mistakes. That's life.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 21:16 posted by Guest

    In style I would say. Good: In style I would say. Good for you, you'll feel better. It's the fear of the unknown and for me the financial aspect that also holds people back. Violence has been an issue here too, minor but frequent and I feel it could escalate. The police have already been involved. My perfect angels, especially the youngest would be absolutely devastated though and possibly never forgive me, for the rest of my life so I must think hard, but as it's 2.14am here in UK I must go and get some sleep now. All the best

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 21:06 posted by Guest

    why not let him have the: why not let him have the kids? it could be the best revenge. Seriously, I married a man who got joint custody of his 3 kids. He spent the next 12 years catering entirely to them (before I came on the scene). He washed their clothes, cooked their meals, made school lunches, carpooled, took them to soccer practice, dealt with discipline. His ex lived 2 blocks away and the kids shuttled happily back and forth. They could ride to the other parent's house on their bikes. Their dad had no real life of his own. He was too busy with kid things to date. His life changed drastically. He gained an appreciation of what his wife contributed to their household but only after she was gone. I think sometimes wives fight too hard for sole custody.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 20:58 posted by Guest

    I think he is not worth: I think he is not worth staying with. He wants a nurse and mommy to do all the work. Not a wife. You have no children, so you could get out fairly easily. You have to think, do I want my days to be like this (and worse) all the rest of my life? I think the answer is no. There's such a beautiful world out there that you are missing.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 20:49 posted by Guest

    I am in similar position. He: I am in similar position. He wanted to go to our summer home earilier than me so I encouraged it. While he is there I am moving out. After I'm out, I will call and tel him I'e moved. Then I will serve him with divorce papers shortly thereafter while he is still there. He has a bad temper and has been violent with me, so this seems the best way to do it.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 20:39 posted by Guest

    how to leave?: I too have been married for 12 years with 2 children, 7 and 10. For about 4 years things have been really dire and am in a similar position to Kim, no counselling though. Also no hobby or going out for me, I am seriously down. My children are perfect angels though, happy a lot of the time and perfect at school. I didn't want a repeat of the past for my children either. It's hard, isn't it but at least we're not alone. Life is short and I know what has to be done. At least you have a good attorney which is essential. Be strong, stay healthy and fit as a priority (no alcohol) and everything else will follow. All the best.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 August 2012 16:05 posted by Guest

    response : You sound like you could be my husband.... i have done pretty much everything your wife has. I have asked my husband for a divorce twice and he refuses to give me one. not sure who he is really helping with that, but YOu need to think about YOu...we spend so much time as adults trying to please everyone else and do the right thing that we sometimes forget to take care of ourselves.
    You should at least separate for awhile.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 07 August 2012 23:33 posted by Guest

    Does staying for the kids work?: We've been married 11 years, have 3 kids ages 10, 5, and 7 months. It has gotten so bad for us- I never thought we would end up like this. He is crabby a lot, speaks negatively to the kids, and gets upset very easily then ignores me or storms away. He also gets mad at the kids fast and talks rude to them. I know he is not happy, but I don't know why he doesn't leave us. I am not perfect- I do not have a spotless house (I cook, and clean and everything, but not to the degree he would like-i spend a lot of time taking the kids to activities and outings and sports). He thinks I nag too much, but it's things like "call the mortgage loan officer back" after 3 days of msg's, or "put a garbage liner in when you take out the trash don't just throw garbage into the plastic bin" etc... I nag because I'm the one that ends up fixing/cleaning the messes.
    I found out this past March that he had been "sexting" with different girls, very graphic and romantic pictures and texts, and had met up with 2 of them. I talked to them, and 1 wouldn't deny sleeping w him, the other said they kissed. All of this while I was pregnant and when baby was 2 months old. He swore he didn't have sex, which I do not believe, but how can I prove it. I kicked him out, and foolishly let him return after just 2 days. He hasn't kept any of his promises for counseling or behavior change. He doesn't wear a wedding ring. I don't think he is texting or talking with anyone now, but he spends as much time as he can at his friends' houses, even at the expense of time with the kids. I am fed up. He is a good provider, a hard worker who is moving up his career ladder fast, and that makes me think I should stay so the kids have a stable upbringing (financially anyway).
    He uses the silent treatmenton me a lot, and it doesn't bother him to go days without talking to me. I wish he would grow up and see how his behavior is teaching the kids negative things, and how much it hurts me. I stay up at night crying and wishing something would change but it has to be me that changes I think. I cannot support myself and our kids alone, and I would not divorce him to work full time and put them in daycare 40 hours a week. I love him and I have put a lot into this marriage but feel that he isn't putting in equally. He won't go to counseling, and for some reason seems content to be unhappy and keep thing s like this. Has anyone successfully "stayed for the kids"?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 07 August 2012 21:03 posted by Guest

    what should i do?: My husband of 29 years just told me he wants a divorce. I really didn't see it coming! I know that we have been having some problems the past two or three years - primarlily sexual, as I have been going through menopause and really have had no desire for intimacy. He finds that hard to understand, and wants his needs met, and feels there's no marriage without sex, which I disagree with. He says he loves & respects me, but our marriage is a sham, and he would rather live alone. I know there is no other woman, but I know that his personality has changed, become harder and more inflexible, whereas before he was much more fun and easygoing! I don't know if we should just throw in the towel, try counseling, or a separation. One other thing - I love his family and fear that, if we divorce, I won't be able to see them again.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 07 August 2012 09:42 posted by Guest

    advice please: I hate conflict. I avoid it whenever I can. I don't like hurting people. I know its time to leave my husband but I don't know how to tell him any advice is help full.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 06 August 2012 16:49 posted by Guest

    fed up: I have been married almost two years.. we have no kids together but he wants one. Ihave a 15yr old son and he has a 13 yr old daughter... I'm 33 and so is he. m not happy and I want to leave him so bad. He is super childish and I'm sick of it. He is so sensitive. I found emails where he has been receiving pic from his ex bout a year ago. He feels I should be over it and let it go bc he said he didn't have sex with her. He acts as if he knows everything. He try to put me down but I found out he treated his x the same way. I want a divorce and he acts like its all my fault... He calls women bitches and treats his mom like shit.. his dad is childish as hell too... I'm going to leave... Life is too short to be unhappy

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 06 August 2012 14:42 posted by Guest

    I think people can change if: I think people can change if they want to. However it has to be for themselves and not anyone else. If u really want to leave u should do it know I, but maybe u should go to therapy first.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 05 August 2012 22:15 posted by Guest

    I also have been married for: I also have been married for 12yr and have 2 children. I know how u feel. My husband doesn't speak to me and when he does its only to put me down. He blames all that is wrong on me. It all started when he cheated on me last year and I was stupid enough to take him back. My kids need there dad that's one of the reasons he's still here. I know the feeling of feeling like your not worth anything. The feeling of failure. Tthey feeling of knowing its oveer but not being able to say the D word cause u don't wanna be the reason why they don't have there dad. My heart can't take this pain. I cry every night. I pray everyynight for the strength to continue.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 05 August 2012 18:47 posted by Guest

    his dad is always been freeloading and our kids pay for it: I have been married for16 years and his dad has free loaf off us for 98% of the time and now he gets all of my husband and me and the kids are on the bottom of the list its so bad now that I feel like I am stay at his house..laid up on the couch anda prevouse iv druggy I have to constantly clean his gross homeless like ways so my kids are safe..now its them and me and the kids are the third wheel...this has gone on for 16 years and I have took it cause it makes my man happy but I am so lonely and the kids don't exist to him. I tried to talk to him he gets mad and said it is in my head...

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 05 August 2012 11:58 posted by Guest

    I'm going....finally...but don't know how to say it to him.: I've been married to my husband for 12 years and we have 2 children, 9 and 11. I have wanted to leave for about 5 years but knew I had placed myself in a dependent and victim position. We went to counselling for 5 years straight and still no miracles. I fixed ME by getting a job, starting a hobby, staying healthy and getting back ME. Now I want to finally leave and am afraid of how to deliver the news. Time keeps ticking and sometimes its better to just get it over with but I can't seem to get the courage. :( I'm afraid of conflict and didnt want to repeat all the divorce from my family background. Any advice on how to get this transition started? ps I do have an attorney that I trust

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 05 August 2012 09:04 posted by Guest

    I am so sorry for what your: I am so sorry for what your going through. My husband did sort of the same thing to me. Completely unsupportive of my recent pregnancy and told me I did it to trap him. I thought when you are married your in it for everything.
    Your's is being very selfish. I don't understand why they do what they do. I would let him know that you expect him to still be a father if he decides to leave...meaning supporting the family's needs and being there for the kids. He can't run from the life that he has created and it's definitely not fair to any of you.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 05 August 2012 04:28 posted by Guest

    About to have a baby, husband wants a divorce after 12yrs: My husband told me he wants a divorce. We have been married for 12 years and have an 8, 7, and 2 year old, and am pregnant with baby #4 which is due any day. He doesn't really have a reason for a divorce, just feels boxed in and says he's been unhappy for years. I was 19 when we got married, we were really happy in the begining then we had our ups and downs, but worked it out. He told me that he loves me (and always will), he's just not "in-love" with me, and hasn't been for at least 6 years. 6yrs ago was when we basically started over. His dad passed-away, we had had A LOT of problems and needed a fresh start or we were not going to make it. We moved away from everything, and everybody. It took a long time for me to trust and love him again, but I made the choice to do so because I felt it was worth it. We had 2 little ones and both wanted back what we once had. We had a decent relationship the past 3yrs and I was happy, truly happy. Then he started going through this whole mid-life-crisis thing, and little did I know that all that time I was trying all those years ago, through this convincing by the way, he actually never felt anything for me. I feel that after so many years of marriage love is a choice, it's not how it is when you first fall in love. I don't understand why he would just abandon the family. And for what? For his own selfishness? It seems like this is something that could be worked out, but he is so unwilling. He says he's been trying for years and waiting for it to get better, but it never does. Never once did he tell me there was a problem. If I had known something was wrong I could have been more understanding. And why keep having kids with me if he was thinking of leaving? I certainly will not beg him to stay, and I certainly don't want someone that doesn't want me. I just think it's really unfair to our kids, and that is what hurts the most. He is a really good dad and they adore him. And that's probably one of the reasons I love him so much. It just seems like such a waste. And to top it all off, we can't afford to not live together unless he finds somewhere to go that wont cost us anything. Plus I'm about to have a baby and will need help, but it's so hard to live under the same roof with him, I just want him out. I don't want to feel the pain of having him here when I know in his heart he's not here. I don't think I've ever been so sad in all of my life and have no idea what to do. I feel so stuck!

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 04 August 2012 21:36 posted by Guest

    I am at a loss. We have been: I am at a loss. We have been married for 14 yrs. Met in middle school, got pregnant in HS and here we are. Things have never been really great between us. He was always partying and not coming home, ignoring his responsibilities. Flash forward to present. He went into the military to help me get through nursing school, we moved, I got pregnant with our second child, 13 yrs apart but wouldn't have it any other way :). He wasn't supportive of the pregnancy and i wanted to leave so bad. He then went to Afghanistan for a yr. i was hoping this would give us a fresh start (again) and to show each other how much we really cared. I struggled through the first yr of nursing school with 2 kids, no family near me and didn't do to bad. I found out he had kissed a girl, from another woman who saw him do it, when I was pregnant. Mind you, this woman was a huge problem from the get go. Posing to be OUR friend when she was secretly texting him, he would go to the 'guys' house for football night and it was her house...the list goes on. I started snooping on FB and found other messages to woman in his past he swore he let go asking her to come see him in his new duty station, while I am here finishing school with our kids and NOONE to help. Then i found out more, that he cheated seven yrs ago with someone I know and love(d). He is now PCSed to his new station and is begging for a second chance, more like 200th, and he has changed and will be better, given up his former life....I do love him, but I can't stand this and feel bad that he has spent almost no time with his 2 y/o daughter. Our 14 y/o son has seen the stuff he's put me through and seems almost indifferent to it. i feel guilty, why I don't know. i graduate in December and he wants me to give him an answer about whether or not i will be coming back to live with him. i just feel so done with all this. It might seem one sided but there is alot i am holding back. I think i need a therapist and senior semester coming up...totally overwhelmed! Do people ever really change??

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 03 August 2012 18:06 posted by Guest

    Should I stay,or Do I go: Hi my name is Jazz, am a 23yr old woman married to a 28 yr old man
    we have a 3 yr old son. We been together 4 yrs and married for 3 this October. Am the only one working, while hes at homei have been encouraging him to go back to school, or to just help me out by finding a job, he likes to play basketball all the time, which is fine i just feel like theres a time n place for everything, like putting family first some
    romantic time with each other go on dates with other married couples. My biggest thing is spending time with our son, keeping the home clean while am at work, I know what it is that I wanna do I just need a woman n mans opinion n some advice, for me n our child, am to young to go though this when this man a few yrs older then me dont have his stuff together then yrs later I be saying the same thing, thinking man I shouldve listened to my lastt thought. Please help, if u can Chad. :<)

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 03 August 2012 14:57 posted by Guest

    Married for 2 yrs and he's treating you like THIS!!......RUN: HELLO,

    MY NAME IS STACY G AND IM A MILITARY WIFE. BOY DO I HAVE A STORY BEING A MILITARY WIFE AND MOVING TO THE SOUTH WITH MY HUSBAND AND NEWBORN. LOL BUT ITS NOT ABOUT ME. FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO ASK, DO YOU HAVE U OWN DEBIT CARD? DO YOU HAVE ACCESS TO HIS MONEY? DO YOU HAVE FAMILY BACK HOME? YOU NEED TO LEAVE. ITS ONLY TWO YEARS AND HE HAS BEEN TREATING YOU AND UR CHILD LIKE SHIT. HE'S ALREADY BASED THE RELATIONSHIP OFF OF LIES BY TELLING YOU THAT HE DOESNT SMOKE WEED BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SMOKE'S? A NON-SMOKER TURNED SMOKER? HE SOUNDS LIKE HE MOSTLY HAS YOU UP THERE BECUS HE GET $$ FROM BAH.. PACK UR BAGS AND RUN. THATS WHAT I THINK. THE FIRST COUPLE OF YEARS U SHOULD BE BLISSTFULLY HAPPY!! FUKING, AND KISSING, AND FLIRTING ALL THE TIME. IF YORU HAVIGN PROBLEMS ALREADY, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG. LIKE I SAID, RUN...

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 23:31 posted by Guest

    Throw it back at him: If he is always the one saying that when things get tough....next time he tells you that you can leave.....you just tell him that "You are the one who is always talking about me leaving. Why don't you practice what you preach and leave." If you want to be saucy....tell him not to let the door hit his butt on the way out!!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 23:17 posted by Guest

    Listen to your gut: From your post it sounds like he is an emotional abuser...especially if he is yelling at you 4 everything and calling all the shots in your relationship. He does not even have enough respect to listen/discuss problems and twisting stuff around is the highest form of manipulation an abuser uses to control. I cant tell you to leave, that has to be your choice, but you do need to protect yourself from his abuse so that you dont lose the fun loving happy person that you are. Perhaps moving out and going to counseling. If not both of you....because abusers seldom go to counseling b/cuz they are confronted w/their behavior, then go by yourself. It is better to find this out 6 mnths into the marriage than 6 years. Best of luck!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 22:49 posted by Guest

    Similar story....some things to ponder on: Very similar situation. Have you had a confrontation about the things that have/are bothering you? Not you griping but a sit down heart to heart. Was he this way while you guys were dating? Another big red flag as to what your life will be like down the road is to look at how his parents' relationship works. This is what he has seen and may be what he thinks is "normal." It is so very hard to change someone's philosophy of how a marriage should be. In his defense, he does sound like he loves you....an unhappy man does not come home and/or stay at home when he is unhappy. It just sounds like he hasn't grown up yet....maybe trading one "mom" for another. Have you ever thought about just letting some of that stuff go...cooking, cleaning, yard work, paying a bill just to get his attention? Sometimes when he doesn't have clean underwear or his cell phone is turned off b/cuz the bill did not get paid......that could prompt the discussion about I need help around here and things are not going to get done by just me anymore, this is a partnership! Perhaps you budgeting your paycheck and telling him that this is what he is going to have to pay and if it doesnt get paid by him....oh well, no $ for the cable bill. I guess we will just stare at one another. Just some ideas of things that can be done on your part.

    No one can tell you to stay or leave. Just know that leaving sooner than later, w/no children is your best bet. You will not have that tie 4/ever to another person with a child between you. Also, you don't want to waste the next 10 years of your life toggling back and forth...should I stay, should I go. Once you throw the idea of divorce out their to him, you can never take it back. It will be the white elephant in the room when things get rough. Best of luck in your situation!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 15:28 posted by Guest

    Try the book "love Must be: Try the book "love Must be tough"> Sounds like he needs help but in the end if he wont help himself then you must save yourself. While your still yound enough to have a family. :) Take care.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 12:28 posted by Guest

    Hope: Aw thanks so much! That gives me hope! I wish you the best of luck in your situation, regardless of the outcome! Hope things get better in your marriage. I dont think anyone ever wants a divorce but unfortunately sometimes its the only solution. :(

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 11:20 posted by Guest

    craigslist: I really feel for you. I am wondering how did you know thgat it was craigslist.? I have a sneaky suspicion that my husband of 17yrs is also cheating on me by way of craigslist, I did find these hook up now for sex things on his phone. But I am also dealing with drinking. I nfeel he can not be at home sober, maybe it is because he cant stomach what he does to me in the day?! He has recently started to hit me and choke me..I am leaving and taking my 15yr old girl and 13yr old boy. This is a very sad situation..

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 07:48 posted by Guest

    Hello, I'm sorry too say but: Hello, I'm sorry too say but you need too leave him. The part with him advertising too come too his hotel room and putting his number means he's probably done it before!

    Leave now! I am in a similar circumstance (computer flirting, texting )
    but if I read that on his computer I would leave ASAP!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 01 August 2012 17:26 posted by Guest

    Thinking it's time to let go: My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 15 years we 1 daughter together. In the beginning our relationship was great!! We always said the reason our marriage worked was because we were friends first and had great communication skills....well not so much anymore. 10 years ago I was working the night shift while he was working the day shift at the hospital, I came home early on a Thursday and noticed a web camera attached to our computer and asked him why he had bought it and he stated that it was so that the kids could talk to their grandparents I remember having an uneasy feeling at that time and let it go. About a week later on a Monday morning while getting the kids ready for school I got on the computer and just looked at the browsing history and I saw where he had looked at porn...ok I guess, but then I searched the cookies and found hundreds of pictures of him...in the nude. I confronted him that evening and he told me how me just wanted to see if anybody found him attractive!! A couple of days later while on the computer an instant message popped up from a female whom he had been "chatting" with (about sex and what they wanted to do to each other) and I sadly had to inform her that he was married. After that incident we were ok ...until recently. My husband took a job that keeps him out of town 3-4 days a week. About a month ago he forgot his laptop at home and I have been having these weird feelings about him cheating...well searching the cookies I again found stuff he has been putting posts up on different websites with his work cell phone number, pictures of himself and since he stays at hotels he stated that they could come to his room!!! I confronted him and again he says he's sorry and won't do it again. I'm not sure he's worth my breath or even me writing this about him! Everything he does now irritates me!!! I don't like to be around him...when he's home I can't wait for him to leave again. He says that the only reason I'm in nursing school is because of him....because he guided me to this career choice (forget the fact that I remember wanting to be a nurse when I was 11 years old!)...he makes me not want to be around him. I do love him but I don't like him.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 01 August 2012 10:36 posted by Guest

    I am a husband of a wife that: I am a husband of a wife that has done the same thing that you just talked about. Although I don't drink I feel that I did push her away. I think this is what caused her to stray. Regardless that doesn't excuse what she has done. I just found out a few weeks ago and I'm struggling with how to forgive her. I still love her with every part of my being but she has done this to me once before that I just found out as well. Now it is just about impossible to believe anything she says. What hurts the the most is I can't believe her when she says she loves me. If she loves me how do you do this to me. How can you have feelings for me when you feel this way about them. We have been in counseling for a couple months but I could tell she wasn't giving it her all. That's when I found out about the other guy and confronted her about it. She insists that nothing physical happend but she has lied to me so much how do I believe that especially after reading the texts to and from each of them. Sorry to rant and I know that this doesn't give you an answer but just thought I would share how I feel and maybe it would shed some light onto how your husband feels. It shames me to say it but I'm to the point of just giving up. I always said I wouldn't but when I think of all that she has done over the years and how I have always felt that there was no one else for me that she was my one and only but yet none of this seems to matter to her. Being that its so easy for her to throw it away. It's getting more more obvious to me that my love is not enough for her and never has been.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 31 July 2012 20:49 posted by Guest

    Btw: U have nothin to worry bout.there alot of guys that would love an respect a lady likeu.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 31 July 2012 15:49 posted by Guest

    BTW...ur right, things can: BTW...ur right, things can only get better :)

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 31 July 2012 11:46 posted by Guest

    Peacemaker! OMG!: Exactly!!! I'm so tired of always having to suck up my pride and trying to not fight and being the peacemaker! Soooo unfair!! Dude, seriously, it's nice to know i'm not the only one living in a mess as well! What's sad I think is that I'm constantly thinking of when i'll be on my own again and dating and that makes me happy. I feel like there is no hope here. I guess i'm just waiting to save up some money so I can move and have a little cushion since I will really be on my own. But after Saturday, it really lifted my spirits a bit! I'm glad you had a good time as well...we definitely need those moments when things at home are not well.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 31 July 2012 03:24 posted by Guest

    Unsure: Dear Unsure,

    If everytime you and your husband disagree on a subject and he suggests you leave, it's because that is what he is thinking about. Evidently, he probably wants out of the marriage and does not know how to confront you. Usually when a husband says things like that it's because he has probably found someone else he is interested in. Mostlikely, you are probably a good wife, and he doesn't really have very much to complain about, so he looks for the opportunity for an arguement so that you have the option of leaving, which will relieve him of having to tell you face-to-face, he wants a divorce. However, be smart, let him be the one to leave.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 31 July 2012 00:58 posted by Guest

    What should I do.: Me and my husband have been for five years. About three years ago we were having trouble and I started talking to two guys one being my ex, we talked and sent pictures which should have never been sent. I felt bad and came clean to my husband bout two mths ago. It has been rough and he said he forgave me but couldn't trust me. He quit drinking and things were looking up, then he started drinking again and was saying things like I deserve to get done to me what I did to him, which has made me worry and feel jealous. He is now saying he should have never married me and all kinds of hurtful things. I have a six year old that is not my husbands but has been there since he was born they have gotten close and I want us to be a family again. I love him and know i made a huge mistake but I truly am sorry for what I did. He's going away this weekend which I know he is just wanting to go party. Is there hope for us?!?!? I hope so :/

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 30 July 2012 20:49 posted by Guest

    Discussed: Yes I have been over every issue.she cant never apologize (little mrs. cant b wrong) bein the peace maker @ all times has realy gotten old.the funny thing is that I went out with my brother and other friends saturday too,i had a blast.that was the first time n years.i think we both deseved that.not tryin to stay n your business,just kind of nice knowing I m not the only one living n a mess that wished it could b cleaned up.things with us gets worse wveryday,my nerves r si bad I never wanted to go through this.well thanks 4 letting me vent once more.and just remember things can only get better cant get any worse.have a good nite.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 30 July 2012 15:39 posted by Guest

    have you discussed with your: have you discussed with your wife your issues?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 30 July 2012 14:12 posted by Guest

    I know exactly what you mean.: I know exactly what you mean. It gets tiresome to have to remind someone that you are in an equal partnership. If you both give 100% things can be great. Unfortunately, what is there to do? I think its harder when they are overall nice people but dont get it. I know exactly how you feel! I wish I could just shake some sense into my husband!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 30 July 2012 14:09 posted by Guest

    No things are still the same.: No things are still the same. He said he would try but I kind've dont want to be bothered with it. I feel like it's too late. Im such an outgoing, happy, fun person and I feel like he's taken that away from me. I went out for lunch with my girlfriends on saturday and it felt so good to see them! To have fun again, to feel free to be myself again. I've sacrificed so much and I think there is too much resentment to go back. :( we'll see how the next few weeks go. How are things on your end? :/

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 28 July 2012 01:59 posted by Guest

    Leave First: My sis was in the same boat. She saw a lawyer, paid cash for the consult so hubby didn't see a cancelled check or credit card charge. The lawyer told her what to do to prepare for her exit (like getting certain papers on hubby's salary, joint assets, bank info, birth certificates for you and the kids, etc). The lawyer also told her about getting a restraining order after leaving. Leave when he isn't at home if he's dangerous, if he's not, pack his crap up when he's at work, put on porch and have locks changed that day. Best of luck to you!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 27 July 2012 20:14 posted by Guest

    Thinking of Separating: Hubby (63) and I (53) have been together 32 years. His job history since 1999 has been a rollercoaster. Dec '08 he lost his job again and as of today (July 2012) he's still not working. He got a big severance and we agreed he would let me know when we got down to 6 months living expenses (he handles our finances) so we could sell our home. He never did tell me when the $ ran out in Dec 2010. He hid mail, snuck around borrowing money from my mom & paying her back with our Savings Bonds. Only when he painted us into a corner did he say, as he was getting in the shower, 'we're out of money and we're going to lose everything.'. That was July 2011. Then he tried to blame me for his keeping quiet! House went on the market Aug 2011, no buyers yet. Foreclosure notice received last Monday. I found a notice from our HOA saying they were putting a lien on our house for non-payment of dues. He never told me. Now we're losing everything. I can't even look at him. I've never had a reason to not trust him. I'm afraid to trust him now. A friend has invited me to relocate from CA to Utah when we sell the house or it gets foreclosed. Hubby and I have had no sex for ages, no closeness and minimal affection yet he professes his deep love for me. More of a platonic roommate arrangement and I'm burnt out. The thought of leaving the state and starting over somewhere else sounds really appealing but I'm concerned about doing anything rash. I forced him to take his Soc Sec retirement early so we could eat & he keeps looking for work even though it's been 43 months since he's worked. It's over! He don't get it.......

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 27 July 2012 18:59 posted by Guest

    Any better?: I havent spoken to %4my wifge n wee
    ks.i guess somethings and people?N never change.i was just curious if u got things work out?wishing the best for u.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 26 July 2012 15:54 posted by Guest

    I feel the exact same way: I feel the exact same way about my husband we've been together for almost 4 years and will be married for only a year come September. I'm 21 and he's 26. I explain to him what I need and what I want and he just doesn't get it. I don't know what's wrong. He is a good guy and a very good father. But I'm tired of telling him the same thing over and over again. I'm also tired of doing everything around the house. I'm at a lost and I don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 25 July 2012 12:19 posted by Guest

    Thanks Chad! Wow hearing that: Thanks Chad! Wow hearing that from a MAN's point of view gives me hope that there are men out there who do help out. I had a long talk with my husband last night and pretty much put it all on the table but he thinks I'm exxaggerating. He thinks that because we dont have visitors during the week that its ok to leave his dirty work clothes in the middle of our living room. He thinks I shouldnt have to tell him when to take the trash out even though he says he will do it but when its to its maximum and I ask him to do it at the moment so I can finish dinner, it's just nagging. So I end up taking doing everything myself. So unfair. I'm a very affectionate person and the affection/passion/love/happiness between is gone. Really truly unfair and I think it's pretty much over. We couldn't come up with a solution last night, so hopefully tonight we can agree that this is it. And hopefully the separation can come as smoothly as possible. I guess the only good thing I can say is that I've definitely grown and matured as a woman and just as an individual. :)

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 25 July 2012 11:56 posted by Guest

    I have been married for 2: I have been married for 2 years. We were in the military for 1 year before we decided to get married. and I moved down there to be with him after being distant and close relationship through 2 years before I moved there. ( 2 months , 1 month, a week I would see him at different times). When I moved to virginia things were great, except the couple we were housing with was miserable and didnt have any money really. And I noticed a lot of the other couples on base were the same.. and they didn't really know how to live a life... like no cable no furniture... yeah you just moved on base but you need furniture to make a home feel homely... and secure. None of the men ever seemed to care when the wives asked for couches or tvs. But anyway... I felt lost and helpless living on base had no friends husband had no friends.. When my husband had told me how great it would be done there... and all these things we would do. We didnt do ANYTHING. I sat in a house with my roomate who was japanese and felt the same way I did. Me and my husband finally moved off base thinking it would be better for us. I was going to try to look for a job and get a car. He never got me a car. And I ended up getting pregnant....... We had plans to stay in the military for 4 more years and go to hawaii for CID dectective which he wouldnt get deployed again so that was reassuring with a baby. But then we decided to get out and I am living the same as I am since virginia... he finally bought a car but in broke within like 5 months of having it and it's been 4 months since it has been broken and not fixed. WE DO HAVE THE MONEY TO FIX IT. but he doesnt want to take it out of the savings. I sit inside everyday of my life with my son. All he does is smoke pot, after he had told me he doesn't when we first met. He has left me alone for a whole weekend before 2 times, and for a whole night like 7 times. He shuts his phone off and wont call. He will say he didn't do anything all night but I find out he was with his friend or went to a party. The fights have gotten really bad he is shutting me out and stonewalling me. He is lazy and lifeless... I think he has PTSD from war. He isn't interested in doing family things, going out into the world having fun. He seems depressed. And I am because I just want to have a life again. I want to continue going to school I want to have a car again I want to get a job again I want to feel like a human being again. Not live going on 4 years in an apartment everyday doing nothing with no car no money. I see the only way to fix this is for me to divorce him, and fix my life and put it back together again. He isn't going to help me fix myself. I feel resentment, and anger. I will have to do it on my own. He is just as depressed and doesn't care about my problems or encourage me to do anything. I was fine before I went in the military I was confident productive making money a happy person.... and now I am not. I just don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 24 July 2012 19:57 posted by Guest

    Good enough to leave/good enough to stay?: I dont know what to tell u,that u have got to answer on your on.all I can tell u is that im 38 male been married 4 15years,im not perfect by no means,but I work everyday pay all bills all yard work most of grocery shopping cookin an cleaning.she does not work or try n our relatuonship she stays n bedroom 24/7 on computer,facebook anything but familey.this is no help to u just wanted u to know your not by yourself.i dont why some people get all of the responsibilty othwrs xouls care less.im so unhappy its not fair.if I can help answer any quesions from a man stand point im right here.hope u find happiness what ever happens.eR

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 24 July 2012 19:17 posted by Guest

    soulmate advice please: wondering... i met my soulmate 12 yrs ago, had a great thing going, except that i wanted kids and family, she, did not. i found someone that did and we parted ways, as friends, she understood my needs, and let me go. currently married 8 years together 11, with a woman that i met just after ex and i parted ways, wife and i have a daughter together. our relationship has always been rocky, and i cant stand her. top it off, our last arguments have been about us not knowing the other, very true, i dont like arguing in front of our daughter, 3, i feel its not right, but she insists on keeping up the arguement. she very controlling.. long story short, i have in the last two years found my ex, my soulmate, and want to call it quits with my wife. yes i know i have a daughter to think of, but i dont want her growing up in an unhealthy marriage. anyone out there been through this and if so, any advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 24 July 2012 10:47 posted by Guest

    I thought i was the only one..: Wow, thanks for your reply^^. I thought I was the only one. What is it with these men and their video games. I totally agree on the resent part. My husband didn't work for 2 years as well and I would come home to all the housework not even touched but with him deeply engaged in the video games. I want to be able to count on my partner 100% and know that he's got my back should I need it. I definitely don't get that from him.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 24 July 2012 03:57 posted by Guest

    Seriously-just get the: Seriously-just get the divorce!!! Your life will be SOOOOooo
    Much better!!! Make/create your new peaceful, beautiful life!!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 24 July 2012 03:53 posted by Guest

    You cannot feel GUILTY: You cannot feel GUILTY because he had a disability. That sounds like
    The LEAST of his issues. Leave while you can!!! Be smart!
    Once you KNOW better, you DO better.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 24 July 2012 00:10 posted by Guest

    Get out. I have been married: Get out. I have been married 30 years, and although not exactly the same,,,, he took the happy from me. My adult daughter even noticed it. I am a very happy and energetic person,,,,but he's asleep on the couch by 6 or 7,,,then I wake him up to go to bed at 9pm,,,,his "bed time".
    Itis a very lonely existence,,,,somy advise is together out now,,,rather than wait decades,,,,, hoping it will get better,,,and am 50,,,and I'm now finally leaving.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 23:32 posted by Guest

    Wow...this is my story: Wow...this is my story exactly. I am now currently going through the divorce process. I think these men just need to grow up alot..very self centered. My husband is 28 and did not work for two years, and I would come home from twelve hour shifts as an RN, and he playing video games. I did all housework as well as worked. You really start to resent.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 17:24 posted by Guest

    bad enough to leave/good enough to stay? : I have been with my husband for almost 8 years, married 5 years. Neither of us lived on our own before we got married. We were both 21 when we got married. I am not 27 and he is 28 years old. I have my career and I am the main financial support in the relationship. He is still not finished with school and it seems like every other week he is changing his mind on his "career choice." I do all of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, pay bills, yard work. When it when it comes to sex, I have to be the one to initiate it and I feel like I'm the one doing all the work. He is not affectionate enough for my liking. The pros of this hisband of mine: he doesn't party, stay out late, drink, smoke, cheat (that I know of), and not abusive. He comes strait home after work. He is with me on weekends. Ive found myself really giving up. The money he makes at work is supposed to be our spending/saving/extra cash, but he just spends it on stuff for him (shopping, hobbies, and now he wants a motorcycle...ugh) I feel like he needs to step up to the plate but when I ask him to help with chores and that I need more affection/intimacy he thinks i'm being rediculous and exxagerating. I cant remember the last time he initiated sex, the last time he gave me a real kiss, a real hug. Do I stay or do I go? Hes a nice guy but I feel like at this point, I need more...

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 15:50 posted by Guest

    Thanks Rebecca... sometimes: Thanks Rebecca... sometimes you just need a little validation. Thank you!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 04:14 posted by Guest

    have you confronted him? if: have you confronted him? if not, you should. why is he lying? to impress you? is he embarrassed? i would see a marriage counselor before calling it quits.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 04:10 posted by Guest

    have you two tried marriage: have you two tried marriage counseling?? i think it would be very helpful for you two
    he may have petitioned for sole custody, but who's to say the judge would have granted him that? im sure he wouldn't be able to get full custody of the children. if i were in your position, i would try to work things out with a marriage counselor. if he refuses i would need to see some tangible changes from him. like go to your family's house more and do things you want to do. its so hard because you do have children so i am inclined to say try and make it work. if you didn't have children i would tell you to walk away for sure! but if your children could understand your situation i know they would want you to be happy, whatever your decision would be. you have to follow your heart. only you know what is best for you. you need to be selfish. i hope everything works out for the best. good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 04:01 posted by Guest

    better to cut losses and: better to cut losses and leave now. you will probably be the same place you are now in a year. your just wasting time. im in the same exact place as u except ive been married to him for 10 months and im leaving. filed for papers last week. good luck to u.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 23:15 posted by Guest

    Revelation: We are living in end times. I do not consider myself to be a saint, but I have tried to do what's right most of my life. I was married to this lady for many years. We were from two separate denomination, but she have decided to join over to mine at her own free will. She became baptized and have plyed Christian and Saint for years. I had over a million dollar life insurance. I was practicing medicine at the time when i started losing control at work. I would just lose all my strength to where my co-worker would just pick me up and place me on the exam table. My partner, a medical surgeon ran every lab test you can think of, and all the results came back fine. I did MRI, CT scan, Xray, and all was good. This was happening over four months period. So, one day my buddy said, let me ran some forensic lab test for arsenic. Low and behold, I have been slowly poisoned. They found some crazy chemicals in my system. Investigators were called in, and I lied tell them that i was eating out at different restaurants, when in-fact, it was only at home 99% of the time. Anyway, i knew if i said i ate my wife cooking, then she will be in jail. I play if off until the case was closed. Our home had been carpeted, so on many occasion, i would see white powder on the floor that has no scent. I would ask my wife, she would respond telling me that it's carpet fresh. One day i was cleaning the wall unit and i saw her work bag in a strange location hidden. When i picked up the bag, i had some white powder spill on my hand from the bottom. Guess what? The bag has a secret bottom compartment loaded with five pouches of powder; some marked voodoo, etc. I took it to my buddy and we went to the pathologist in our lab to test the powders, and found the exact matching. My buddy and I have kept it a secret until this day. I stop eating my wife's cooking and cook for myself. One day when she left for work, i walked out the house and never return. I then send her a divorce in the mail. I have done everything in my life for her; no missing birthdays, no missng anniversary, etc. I never cursed her, I never yelled at her, I never hit her, I spend time with her, all her needs were met, but there's more to tell. She came home from work one afternoon, not knowing that my schedule at the ER has been changed. I held her hand, and it has the smell of condom. I asked who was she having sex with, she cursed me to the bones. Another time i came home and a large footprint on the carpet. I asked her who came to the house for repairs this late at night, she said that i was seeing things. I told her yes, "the footprints." She quickly walked around the house and erased all the footprints she could find. I went through hell, but God saved me. I was also a pilot and a physician at the time. My life is better in a sense. I got married once more, and this time it's not that much of a difference, except this one not trying to kill me, but doesn't appreciate me, doesn't love me or even care about me. I am preparing to walk away once more and leave everything behind, even the house the second round like i did before. I wish everyone in this forum well. Some men like myself have gone through fire.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 19:15 posted by Guest

    Go with your gut instinct!: Hi,

    I read your post and we have a lot of things in common. I would say listen to your instinct. I'm on the verge of separation/divorce myself because I'm just so fed up with the constant arguing. It's like pulling teeth to get him to help me with any chores. And I feel worn out and too tired to try and make it work anymore. He does not want a divorce but since I'm not happy living with him, I don't think I have any other choice. Our child is grown so that is not an issue. You mentioned about the internet porn, my husband does the same and I don't like it.

    You can't force your husband to take care of himself, unfortunately. He has to want to do it for himself. Your only two choices are to tolerate how he is or to leave. Unless he is willing to change in order to keep from losing you. It sounds like he might benefit from anti-depressants but, again, he has to be willing to go to the doctor and take the pills. Would he be willing to see a counselor with you?

    Good luck!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 19:06 posted by Guest

    You won't lose your kids. You: You won't lose your kids. You will likely have shared custody. Ditch this pathetic man and move on with your life now.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 18:55 posted by Guest

    Are you kidding me? get out: Are you kidding me? get out now! He's so immature and/or crazy he can go that long without talking to you. You will be happier without him. It will hurt at first and then sooner than you think you're only regret will be not leaving him sooner. Move into a tiny apartment if you have to but get out.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 15:30 posted by Guest

    Is it time?: I've been wondering if it's time for separation or divorce? I've been married for 6 years and have no children. I'm frustrated and angry and tired to say the least. My husband has a host of medical problems- diabetes, high cholesterol high blood pressure and for the last year or so has had erectile dysfunction... we are only 36. I've concluded that he is depressed but he refuses to seek help. He also refuses to take care of himself- doesn't take his meds as directed and recently he was in the hospital for a foot ulcer that became infected and he was under a home nurses care for the last 5 months and has had to wear a surgical boot. I am dejected, depressed and just drained all together. I feel like I'm losing out on life by remaining in this situation. I don't know what else to do to make him work on his health and himself. He has no hobbies, other than chatting with random women on the internet and looking at porn (which boggles my mind considering his health). His health has gotten worse over the last 4 years and he's done very little to get better. I've told him to try to figure out something (constructive) that makes him feel accomplished, some activity, something- but he tries for 2 days and then quits. It's obvious that he doesn't want to do it for himself.
    I'm at my wit's end.
    Thoughts?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 14:08 posted by Guest

    Get out: If you're honestly asking what to do and will do it...go! If you think that he's killed you as a person...go! You can't get yourself back 100%...go!

    People make mistakes and some show their true colors after marriage thinking that you can't get away from them. Lie. This is real life and you do not have to stay and feel that way.

    Good luck
    S

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 11:48 posted by Guest

    He's took my happy from me..: I just got married 6 months ago. He is controlling and is always to tired for sex. He lives the relationship his way and I have to conform. He spends all his time smoking in the garage and sitting on his ass. He won't take me anywhere or do anything with me. I am about to give up. He took a fun loving beautiful woman and he is killing her. I can't even initiate sex because I am scared he will yell at me. He twists everything around that I say and walks away from me when I talk to him. What should I do?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 01:59 posted by Guest

    Is it just me?????: Married nearly 14 years together for 16. Got married at 25. 2 kids 8 and 5. Everything was ok in the beginning. We worked hard, finished school, paid for student loans, bought a house and did "everything we were supposed to" It all started to fall apart after my first child was born. I was the only one who could get up at night to take care of him because he needed sleep to go to work. Hello, I worked to 50-60 hrs a week! Then I pointed out that I never got the warm fuzzy welcoming feeling from his family. I felt as though they really didn't like me, and pointed out some conversations that were had. He told me I misinterpreted the statements and should just forget about them. Trust me, you can't misinterpret "I wouldn't come to your house for a holiday if you invited me", then turning to my SIL, "when should we be over" REALLY???? oh well I misinterpreted that one. About 4 months before our second child was born, he decided to go back to school for a MBA. I got mad, I was very upset that I would have a newborn, a 3 y/o a full time job and NO help. He told me that his decision was made and he was already enrolled. I couldn't say anything about it, except I needed to be more supportive, and stop complaining about his family. I have not seen his family in nearly 3 years. I refuse to go to their house for holidays and usually spend them with my extended family or my parents, WITHOUT my children......they need to be with his family not mine. Both our families are local, granted mine is much closer 5 vs 20 miles, and my mom assists me with babysitting, but really, No Christmas, no Thanksgiving with my children!!!!! (but if I would just let it go I am always welcome with his family). Last year I had enough of working 50 hrs a week and not being with my kids so I decided to quit my job and go back to school for a career in the health field. Now I am not working, and I know he expects more from me such as housework, hot dinners, and perfectly behaved children, but I am a full time student as well. Because of this he believes that he has every right to bring the kids to his family MORE, because I am no longer religated to weekends because I don't work. When I get angry and tell him, I get the old let it go, it was a misunderstanding, and when I try to talk to him about it he tells me whatever, shut up, yes you are entitled to your opinion, but I don't have to listen to it. I don't want to talk about it ever, you just need to get over it!!!! Ugh really?? This has been going on for 12 years, do you think we can discuss it? Nope. It got so bad 2 years ago that he filed for divorce, but we had reconciled because I started to play the submissive wife role. Not to mention that in his petition he was suing for sole custody of our children. I was livid. I am by NO means an unfit mother, but he was going to tell the courts that. I am an independent, well educated and yes unfortunately stubborn woman, but seriously, I am too afraid to leave him because if he pulled the unfit mother trick once already, I am sure he is going to do it again. I have 5 years of school left and then I should be completely financially independent, and my kids will be 13 and 10. Should I kick that one to the curb, or just get over this misunderstanding

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 01:12 posted by Guest

    Is anyone married to someone: Is anyone married to someone who drinks, and or is possibly manic depressive? This is my life. I'm married for almost 22 years. Been together for 30 years. We havent talked in 2 1/2 months... and I mean nothing. He hates our girls, and barely speaks to them either. He has a drinking problem and now goes out of his way to hide it. Although, it's NEVER really hidden. He had a DUI 3 yrs ago and that was the huge nosedive in our relationship. I never got mad at him for the DUI or for loosing his job, however he always complains that I, and others, are always telling him what to do. He really has no friends and after his family tried to help with a failed intervention, now he doesn't even speak to them. This last "argument" that has caused him not to speak to me, was caused by a missed dental appointment. I was so upset that I and my youngest daughter both forgot about her appointment, and I was just kind of talking out loud about how I forgot and he started with " if you would only write it down!" (I did!).. "if you would put it on your calender!" (I did!).. I told him to stop lecturing me I felt bad as it is... and that was the end of it! He told me "don't worry, I won't speak to you anymore!" And he hasn't. Since then I appoligized like 3 times and tried to get him to understand that am sorry, and he just states he is happy not to talk to me since he doesn't have to answer to me or anyone any more. I feel like such an idiot. Like how could I have picked a person to be the father of my kids, and now he doesn't want to speak to any of us. Im 50 years old, I make ok money, but don't think I can afford to pay rent and give my girls what they need also. So I feel stuck here! The thought of being old and alone is a scary thing. Im a strong person, but feel so lonely right now and I totally don't know what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 18:27 posted by Guest

    me too: I'm in the same boat... it totally sucks! If it weren't for our children I'd left a long time ago.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 18:16 posted by Guest

    yes, get out now!!!: GET OUT NOW!!!! NO QUESTIONS!!!! I PROMISE YOU THAT IF HE WILL LIE TO YOUR FACE ABOUT NOTHING, HE WILL CONTINUE TO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING! A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT TRUST IS NOTHING!!!! TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO WISHES SHE WOULD'VE GOTTEN OUT BEFORE KIDS CAME ALONG AND NOW FEELS TRAPPED BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEIR DADDY AND I CAN'T STAND TO HURT THEM. :-( DO YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOR AND LEAVE HIM ASAP!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 15:04 posted by Guest

    Thank you: Thank you! I appreciate the advice. I just have to figure out when to go about telling him. I don't want to ruin the weekend, but I don't want to stress him out for work either. I have to soon though, I feel tired of living a lie.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 09:36 posted by Guest

    sounds like you just needed: sounds like you just needed someone to enjoy your life with,and well when that fell short of your expectations you started feeling as if you were living your old life again.on the other hand did you ever love your second husband at all??? doesnt sound like it ,sounds like he filled a temporary void in your life and now he cant do that anymore,so to you he is useless.you should be ashamed of yourself.he married you in good faith,and you told him to not work so you could travel,that is your fault and his for accepting such a nobel gift.to few people learn money is the root of all evil and doesnt always bring happiness! happiness begins with you

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 08:50 posted by Guest

    your husband is a classic: your husband is a classic cheater period.you are not at fault,how do i no this ,well lets just i cheated on my wife too! because we fought all the time and i couldnt deal with it anymore ichose to cheat to vent my anger wrong wrong wrong.your hhusband knew what he was doing.wake up and see it for what it is.this may be his broker but she is his girlfreind lover as well,and you are a mere convenience incase she dumps him.also he probably feels gulty as hell cause he wasnt there during your pregnancy..do yourself a favor and dont go back to him.remaining good freinds is better and do allow him iinto his childs life.good luck

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 01:31 posted by Guest

    unsure : My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. Here lately we have been getting into more and more arguments. One of them was on his birthday and it seemed like every other word was I can leave it i didn't like the way things were. Then another one was that if i didn't open up and talk to him more i can leave. I am getting tired of hearing the words "I can leave" come out of his mouth. He now goes around like everything is ok and all and now i don't know what to do. Anyone have any good advice on this.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 21:58 posted by Guest

    Well from what I sense from: Well from what I sense from your post is honestly that you feel trapped and I have felt the same thing you have and hesitated a long time before I finally broke it off with my my ex. He was very depressed after but he eventually got over it and I feel happy now and free as ever sometimes you should just listen to your heart and listen to the advice you would give someone else good luck honey..

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 17:44 posted by Guest

    most times: most times we ALREADY know what we should do in our hearts. we are just seeking validation from others. trust your womens intuition. if you think you don't trust him and you should move on, then don't question yourself. everyone deserves to be happy.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 17:38 posted by Guest

    leave: if you value your self esteem. then leave while still intact. don't give anyone a chance to define your self worth. If they cheat then they are not worth trusting. you deserve better.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 13:55 posted by Guest

    You and me both sister.: You and me both sister.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 09:42 posted by Guest

    It takes two to make a good: It takes two to make a good marriage but only one can make a bad marriage. A lot
    Of people have inner security or emotional problems they bring into a marriage that
    Can ruin that marriage that have nothing to do with the partner & the partner can't help fix.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 06:45 posted by Guest

    Short marriage : My husband and I have only been married for 7 months now and already now I've caught him in 3 lies. They haven't been horrible things he's lied about, he hasn't cheated on me or anything like that, but he has blatantly lied to my face. Each time I've told him it doesn't matter if I don't like the truth but I at least deserve to hear it from him. It comes down to now I can't stand the thought of staying married to someone I don't trust and I don't trust my husband. We are both relatively young and we don't have kids. I just can't help but think maybe I should get out now. Any advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 23:43 posted by Guest

    It might be time: It may be time to move on from her. It may be hard to do, but in the long run, it will probably be better for you. Also, seek help from a counselor on a regular basis to help get through it. There are good, faithful women out there. Don't give up on life or love because of this. Good luck to you!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 23:33 posted by Guest

    He is not a cheater: I was hoping to get some advice.
    I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years and together for almost 7 years. There has been a few times when I have told my husband I wasn't happy in our relationship. One time was when he pretty much said I don't work enough and I need another job, even though he knew I was happy at the job I was at. I had been at that company for quite sometime and he knew i loved working there. So, to help our marriage, I found other jobs that I was not happy with just to satisfy him. I didn't stay long at those jobs because I hated them so much (possibly because of the forced to find new employment thing). I eventually discussed the possibility of going back to my first employer as they really needed my help. Also agreeing to all the hourly and salary terms I needed to go back. I did also keep another job once a week for the extra cash and security that I would have a job. As a side note, I have never asked him to quit his job for any reason.
    We also have been trying to get pregnant for most of our marriage, but have failed. After numerous tests and doctor's visits there is nothing physically wrong with either of us.
    I have mentioned unhappiness before in the marriage and most recently went to counseling at his request. The counseling helped for awhile, but now I feel as I did before. He also likes to make fun of some of the things I like in a very demeaning kind of way. For instance, I listen to a certain radio station regularly and many times he will say something along the lines of certain people being stupid (that listens to that station). He has also started patronizing my driving and says I am a crazy driver. We are both knowledgeable people and him saying things like that are painful. If I post anything negative about myself or the relationship, he yells and says everyone can see it. (i am aware of that and don't post anything horrible, just slight venting, and very rarely at that). It made me feel censored, that I couldn't express myself. It has gotten to the point where I am happier when he is gone to work. (he works a different shift than me) I enjoy it when I don't have to be with him.
    He is NOT a bad person, he does not cheat and he compliments me and tries to make me feel good about myself, which I do appreciate, but lately, I just don't feel love in my heart anymore. Not to mention my sex drive is almost on hold now. (I still make love to him, but it is more to make him happy than for my own enjoyment.) I don't know what I should do. I have thought about leaving, but I do not want to cause him pain. I might not be in love, but I do not hate him either. Plus, if I leave, he will not be able to handle everything that needs done, like paying bills, cleaning, etc... I had to do a lot of cleaning work and financial organization after I moved in. I thought about going back to my counselor to get advice, but if I mention that to hubby, he will get depressed, resentful and want to know why. So, I came here, hoping for some advice. Thanks for reading this very long post.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 23:06 posted by Guest

    Always unsure: My husband moved out of our house when I was 3 months pregnant with our second child. We were always fighting because he always wanted to go out with coworkers but I was never included and left home to take care of our one year old. I eventually caught him in lies and he started taking
    "our" real estate broker to dinners and not informing me (i found receipts etc.). I called him out on it and he just always defended himself. In anger, I told him one of us would have to leave
    because I refused to be cheated right in front of me face. Three weeks later he said he found a place and I begged him to stay and go to counseling. He went anyway. I moved 400 miles from my hometown 7 years ago to choose a life with him, we have been married for almost 6 years. I do not have family around me. He dated that same broker through our separation (which was my entire pregnancy). I even caught her coming out of his apartment one morning, wearing his sweatshirt. He told me that she came over to let the maid in for him. This all happened before I filed for divorce, custody, and support. This is actually what it took for me to do that. He came back after my daughter was born because he wanted to try to make our family work. The woman is still his broker and he says 1) it's a professional relationship only and 2) his relationship with her is MY FAULT because that's what I get for filing for divorce (even though I filed after that morning). I am unsure about what to do. I don't trust him and am always worried about what he's doing behind my back. He recently told me that he's just not happy and wants to start his life over. That the most peace he felt was when he was in his apartment. Am I supposed to wait for him to figure out what he wants while my heart is breaking? Or do I make the decision to move on an file again. He can't tell me if he wants to married anymore or not...

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 16:03 posted by Guest

    I am very sorry this happened: I am very sorry this happened to you and I sincerely hope you find the love and happiness you deserve. Take care.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 15:16 posted by Guest

    There can be no forgiveness: There can be no forgiveness until there is repentance. If she is sorry, and repentant, than you can forgive. If you forgive before she is ready to ask and change her ways (repent), you are then enabling her to do it again and again. Each time returning for more forgiveness.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 13:53 posted by Guest

    Consider your Reality instead of your feelings: I've read many of the comments above. My husband and I met in '99, married in '06. To my knowledge, he waited unitl I was pregnant before he cheated for the first time. Lovely, I know. Then the s**t hit the fan when we were pregnant with our second. I was in denial in the begining because I knew our marriage and history ment somethign to him but it didn't. He was selfish, unemployed and had a sexual appetite I could not keep up with - having a toddler, newborn, school and full time job supporting us all! (Once, even twice a day was not enough for him). So, he barrated me with complaints, insults, accusations about me having no sex drive, etc. He stayed away for days, rarely slept at home. I confronted all of the women. Had to - they were e-mailing me, texting me, calling my phone, crossing my path at the super market AND stalking me outside of our home! And YES, I was even attacked outside of my home as I sat in the car with my son! To add insult to injury, my "husband" refused to be a witness so his whore could be prosecuted.

    I have been much to much of a patient, kind and forgiving woman. To the point where it has damaged me in ways that I can't explain. My, and my children survival depend on me being healthy and of sound mind and I seriously doubt that I can maintain that with this man in my life. He always refused to wear his wedding ring. On December 29, 2010, I took mine off. He asked me about it on June 18, 2011. I wore before because our marriage ment SO much to me. I took it off because it didn't mean anything to him. It is July 18, 2012. He still spends nights away with no call. He sees me and gives me a one or two sentence "reason" for being away, with an emotionless, 'I luv you' that is supposed to suffice for 3 days of being absent in our home.

    How would you react? How much could you stand? Let me be an hour late arrive home from work, I never hear the end of it. Is this love? I don't have the answer but I do have 2 kids to feed and nurture.

    To all of you ladies out there.... never give a cheater a second chance or you **WILL** end up like me. It's not about LOVE, it's about him having INTEGRITY as a man to tell you the truth about his feelings and him having the RESPECT for you to let you make a decision having all of the information. The lies, the cheating, they are all examples of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. It's a terrible feeling to wake up one day and find out that you were only a tool to be USED. Not loved but USED until HE has had enough.

    Know your worth, be honest about your situation and be brave enough to act on it. If not, you'll oonly have more of what you've already had. And if you don't like it, too bad...

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 10:08 posted by Guest

    You will find yourself in the: You will find yourself in the same exact place down the road. Unless you look within yourself and realize how you have not been giving your share into the marriage as well, you will be repeating the same patterns. We all love distractions when things get tough. You don't get what you want in the marriage? So go find someone who will...but...one day, that person will stop giving you what you want and you will once again...feel the same way that you felt in your last marriage. We all need to stop looking outside of ourselves and blaming others.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 17 July 2012 10:57 posted by Guest

    In Reply to NOT RIGHT: I don't think you know me. I am not selfish. I've been working full time, since I was 17. Was poor as a kid, but thru hard work and education, I worked my way up. Supported my older 3 kids by myself, never got money from my ex, always put them first. The reason I divorced my ex is because he was physically abusive. I did everything I could for my current husband, put him thru school, paid rent, helped him in his career, cooked, cleaned, did hard work outside, took kids to daycare while working full time, but nothing was ever good enough for him. Everyone else was better, got nothing but verbal abuse. I took care of my ailing father, while he was cheating on me with his secretary. He offered no help. Had to clean my dad's place after he broke his nose, blood all over. My husband was supposedly working late. My dad finally passed away 4 yrs. ago. Other tragedies in my life too, that I can't go into with my daughter. He was never there to support me. I tried to forgive my husband, but he told me I couldn't tell him what to do. Tried therapy, but he kept bad mouthing me to the therapist. He finally said he didn't want to go anymore. He also was asked to resign from his job because of his affair, company thought it would be bad for their image. Then he needed me. I helped him get another job. But after about 1 yr., he started arguing with me again. This is why my daughters want me to leave him. So far as the other man, his wife drinks all the time. She is on dating sites, as a single woman. She has cheated on him before. She has no job, sits home all day and is on the computer. I know her. He is gentle, and I know he loves me. Yes, he feels guilty even though he knows what his wife is doing. I know it is wrong, but I love him. I know it would be his decision to leave his wife. Please don't judge till you have been in my shoes.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 17 July 2012 06:30 posted by Guest

    not right: YOU are very very selfish. YOU are worse than your husband's secretary who had an affair with him. Because YOU know better. YOU want him to leave his wife? The other man doesn't love you, you are just fresh meat, and a distraction from his real life. And most of all, YOU are interfering. YOU are making it difficult for them to work out their issues. YOU deserve to end up alone. YOU represent everything that is wrong with the world.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 16 July 2012 17:18 posted by Guest

    I second that. Marriage is work!: My advice is to go to counseling. "WORK" on it! Yes, I said work. Marriage is work, and sometimes it requires selflessness. Look deep into your past and motives and see if you aren't just replaying some tape that you watched growing up. If you uncover past hurts and poor examples of marriage and commitment then don't hold a grudge over your spouse for something they did not do. Seek wisdom from strong christian couples, not some for profit website like this one. God tells us to "run the race marked out for us". Hebrews 12:1-3 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such as great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfector of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Most of all you should be completely open and honest with your spouse. Stonewalling is the #1 cause of divorce.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 15 July 2012 10:42 posted by Guest

    Seriously? You have every: Seriously? You have every right to demand he stop all contact with her. He cheated - he had an emotional affair-or I should say is having. He needs to decide what is more important, his friendship with this woman or you. You are his wife. He should understand that him speaking to a woman and exchanging "i love you"s and sexual messages is not acceptable, and it's not fair.

    Don't threaten to file unless you are prepared to do it. You state when you do bring it up he says you should file. He knows there are no consequences for his actions so he's having his cake and eating it too.

    This woman is a leech. She is supposed to be your friend but instead she's trying to steal your husband? For that reason alone your husband should stop all contact. She is a very untrustable person and you don't want her in your life. And believe this - if she is in your husband's life, she is in your life.

    A married man has no business having such a relationship with another woman. He's saying you're controlling to make you question if the problem really is all in your head. It isn't. He's cheating.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 15 July 2012 01:08 posted by Guest

    Just get a divorce !!!!! : Just get a divorce !!!!! Your kids are asking for it. You are the only person hiding you back.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 15 July 2012 01:07 posted by Guest

    Good For you. That's the best: Good For you. That's the best decision you could make for yourself. You deserve better

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 15 July 2012 01:02 posted by Guest

    Just leave. Life is short. : Just leave. Life is short. You deserve happiness and so does he. You don't deserve each other. As hard as it is in the beginning, you will both be giving each other a second chance. Do yourself and maybe him the favor, And give yourselves the chance at finding happiness by being yourself. But find support systems before you leave if your resources are limited.. There is support available if you"re willing to look and be open to it. It may be hard at first, but harder is living with someone you don't belong with and doesn't appreciate you. Find yourself and the rest will follow.mistakes allowed.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 14 July 2012 15:44 posted by Guest

    My wife cheated on me while I: My wife cheated on me while I was in bootcamp and became pregnant, I tried to forgive her but went into a deep depression wich resulted in me atempting scuide, while I was in a mental hospital she again tried to have random hookups with people from craigs list, I'm still tring to get past this and forgive her, but I don't know if I can, does any one have any advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 14 July 2012 14:09 posted by Guest

    I dont know: I need advice. I have been with my husband for 13 years. We met when I was 17. I have grown to dislike this man. Every time I try to talk to him about my feelings he starts yelling at me saying that I must be seeing someone else. Every argument turns into him screaming at me, so now I just dont say anything. We never talk to each other. He gets mad because I do not want to make love. I want to leave him because I now realize that I will never have anything as long as I am with him. I have no one to talk to. My only family is my father. He says that as long as my husband is paying the bills and not beating me then I need to deal with it for my children. I cant do that anymore. I guess what I need advise about is how can I tell my husband that I want a divorce? He is going to flip out. He is so into himself I am sure that he doesnt even realize that I cant stand him anymore. He is not going to leave quietly because he has no where to go. I have not friends to talk to. HELP!!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 13 July 2012 09:28 posted by Guest

    Once could be a mistake, but: Once could be a mistake, but 4 times, I think not. I also confronted the other woman in my husband's office. Behind closed doors with the 3 of us. At first I was nice and just wanted to hear it was over. But, something she said ticked me off. I told her to stay away from him, or else. You husband doesn't sound like he will or wants to change. My advice is leave him. You are better off alone. You have been with him for a long time, you will get permanent alimony. Don't know what you life style is, but it will be better than it is now. Listen to me. I can give advice,but need advice for myself. Take care.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 13 July 2012 09:01 posted by Guest

    I need help please : I've been married 8 years today and been with my husband 12 years . I have a son from a previous relationship but we have two together a 10 and 8 year old . He is in the army and we married in 2004 as he was posted to Cyprus so I gave up my career and our home and we moved. We spent two years in Cyprus where he had severe depression he spent most of his time in work and me and the kids did our own things. We then went to Germany for two years where again he had depression twice and myself and the kids made our own lives. We have now been back in the uk for five years he has been again on antidepressants every year starts councilling then he stops taking medication and going to councilling sessions.
    Through our 8 years of marriage he has had an unhealthy need /want to look at porn this has now escalated over the last five years to texting women sending photos to them of his manhood, joining dating sites proclaiming to be single or a single dad. He recently went to Afghanistan and on return I found a letter to some women he had been writing too... When myself and the kids waited on scraps of mail.
    Each time I find out and each time I try to work things out.
    Now enough is enough but I'm afraid to leave him or ask him to leave as where we live is a military house and it comes with his job. Therefore I'm afraid to leave as my kids are my life and I couldn't bare to loose them to their dad. I work full time but keep the house running and do everything and take the kids everywhere.
    I will stay knowing I am never going to be treated with respect or be happy because of the fear of loosing my kids.

    I could really do with some advice

    Please help

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 13 July 2012 00:34 posted by Guest

    the man's fault... : This is "Firstwivesworld.com" and their about us says, "First Wives World is a private, secure environment for women going through separation, relationship challenges or divorce, providing support through social networking, forums, discussions, groups, resources and relevant news. Our core goal is to build a community of support to help women on their journey to recovery, and provide them the best resources, experts, mentors, tools and communities (both online and offline) required to move their lives forward with smarts, friendship and insight from a community who understands."

    So if you are looking for advice that isn't aimed at female readers married to/divorcing males, then I think this might be the wrong resource for you.

    Does anyone know of a resource that is focused on the men trying to work on their relationship challenges and divorce to help this reader? I can only think of general websites for both genders (psychology today.com has a few writers that deal with relationship issues and the good men project is geared toward men, though it offers a variety of articles and advice)...

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 12 July 2012 18:14 posted by Guest

    when it's time to say the "D" word: My husband of 30+ years has cheated on me 4 times with the same 2 women. The most recent was a 3 year affair that he said was over and I found out Dec 9 2011 (three days before our 30th anniversary) it wasn't. Not only that but the the previous mistress from 18 years ago resurfaced and they had another liason in 2009. She proclaimed her undying love for him blah blah blah... but ultimately he was still seeing the Other other woman. I found out, we had words, and he signed a letter of agreement saying no more, cheating, lying (I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God), and a few other things like that to try to put our marriage back together.

    I bought a pay as you go phone because my "spidey sense" was tingling again and today when he called me from work I asked if "the troll" was still out of town to which he replied, " yes and I don't keep up with her comings and goings". Right after we hung up, I got my phone and called her office number and she picked up. So much for her being out of town and him being on the straight an narrow!

    I'm sitting in a hotel and I've contacted an attorney and I'm divorcing his sorry, lying cheating a--.
    I'm done!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 12 July 2012 11:45 posted by Guest

    Its not all the mans fault it: Its not all the mans fault it takes 2 to make a good marriage and it takes 2 to make a bad marriage

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 11 July 2012 23:41 posted by Guest

    bs : Seems like its the husbands fault on here. I feel withdrawn, I feel let down. I admit I have made mistakes in our marriage. That was 18 yrs ago. I cheated. I came on here to find some info and the way you worded its the mans fault. Thank you for noting.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 10 July 2012 15:52 posted by Guest

    So confused: I have been with my husband for seven years all together. Married for four. But we have had a lot of issues. For starters I met him when I was 18, I was a ward of the state and needless to say I had a lot of issues He was 28 and he treated me like an adult. Which I loved. But I was so young that I guess I just looked past his disabilities. But when I started getting older, I started to see his true self. My husband has a mild retardation. Which means that he has suffered some brain damage when he was a baby, and because of that he is a little slower, and he has a speech impediment. I didn't realize that when I was younger. A lot of people have speech issues. I myself couldn't say my R's for a long time. But as our relationship progressed and I got pregnant with our daughter I started to realize more and more things. He cannot communicate his feelings at all. He shuts down when I try to speak to him about our issues. He can't control money. It seems like I am getting older and more mature and he is stuck on the same age that he was when we met. I could go on and on here. The thing is though is that I take my vowels very seriously and I do have love for him. but not the same love that I did when I was 18. I feel trapped. And I don't know if this is right anymore. I get so mad because he can't understand what I am trying to tell him. Then I feel guilty for yelling at him because he is disabled. Its hard. And I need some advice because I feel alone.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 10 July 2012 13:03 posted by Guest

    unhappy : Been together for almost 20 years, married for 11. He as OCD, tapping, checking, weird body movements. Is a great father to our kids but very irresponsible financially. Irritates me all the time, his voice, his presence. He has a smoking problem, I can't stand it. he thinks he is so smart but he's just a turd. It is his way all the time. He's very controlling, I can't even go out with my friends, or be on the computer. I only stay.caus he's a good dad. I never kiss him, I'm not compelled to, never think.about hugging him and only have sex with him out of obligation to shut him up. I'm pretty pathetic for staying, I just dont have the money to leave. Wish i could though.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 10 July 2012 12:43 posted by Guest

    Need advise: Will try and make this as brief as possible. This is my 2nd marriage. I got married very young in my first marriage and had 3 children with someone older than me. My ex was abusive verbally, jealous, but I finally got the courage to get a divorce after 11 yrs.. My 3 children are grown and out on their own. In my 2nd marriage I married a much younger man, had 2 more children, have been married for 26 yrs. In the beginning I put my current husband thru school, paid for all living expenses, worked full time, did everything possible to make our marriage work. It seemed no matter what I did it just wasn't good enough. He too was controlling, perhaps to prove he was in control because he was younger. I am the type of person that thinks the more I do, the more people will love me. Yes, I did go to therapy. My husband finally got up in his career and it seemed that's all he cared about. Well it turned out he was having an affair with his secretary. He put me thru hell for 9 mos, cause he refused to leave the job or transfer the secretary. It wound up that he was asked quietly to leave his job, not to cause a scandal. Then he needed me. That lasted for about 1 yr., then we started all the arguing again. I wanted to work on our marriage, didn't want me to be a failure again. I did many times think of divorcing him, but I stayed for my younger children. The youngest are now 19 and 25 and living at home. Just by chance I met someone I went to school with. We started talking and it led to a full blown affair. He is married - no children. His wife is an alcoholic. This has been going on for over 2 yrs. I have no feeling for my husband, want to leave him. I shudder at the thought of my husband being intimate with me. The other man loves me, this I know. I don't think he will ever leave his wife. I know, they never usually do. I love him so. I tried several times to stop the affair, but I can't physically do it. I get sick from it and always wind up contacting him again. Went to therapy again. I am afraid of divorce, being alone with no one when I get old. I don't think I can stay with my husband and put up the act like everything is ok. I am so unhappy. My younger daughters have told me to divorce my husband/their dad. They also think he is unhappy. He immerses himself on the computer and cars. I have 2 good friends and they think I should leave the marriage. I work full time, have consulted an attorney last year to know my rights. I am afraid of taking that step for divorce. I went thru such a bitter divorce the first time. Sorry this is so long. But I need advice.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 10 July 2012 12:23 posted by Guest

    Not believing the "truth": Seems to me you care more about yourself then those around you and yet believe you are the one who cares more. I'm guess your happier when all you care about is yourself and expect others to "get over it". The fact that you stated "I am finding myself...and downsized my life" tells me you have additional issues but it's easy to blame your husband than yourself.
    Your "true soul mate" sounds more like when people first "fall in love with each other" but will never last...when kids, mortage, job security, and life demands more of your attention that is the reality you're running away from...

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 10 July 2012 10:21 posted by Guest

    how: I love my husband but its a different love. I don't want to hurt him but I am so unhappy. I don't want to touch him or be around him when we kiss I don't feel anything. I don't know how to tell him I won't out

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 10 July 2012 01:39 posted by Guest

    one sides: Pieces like this...onlyl written from one gender point of view are exactly men & women have more issues than ever before. I could have written this column from a mans point of view. Just as easily.a Get off your damn
    soap box and men and women both talk to eachother before you lose all you both wanted to build. I pray every night that my wife will open up and just give our passions a chance again. There is nothing to lose that you haven't already lost sitting together alone. Please to all men and women. Just talk it out and decide what youwant with some of the love left that brought you together in the first place.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 20:58 posted by Guest

    Twins: My husband is the same - very successful, jovial, glad-handing everyone and has even gone as far as saying that everyone out there thinks he's a great guy and would write him letters of support. Evil! Our kids are old enough that even though he does do things with him, they have seen so much, too much. I doubt he would get custody at all. He scares us.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 20:49 posted by Guest

    Uhhhh: You gave up drugs for your wife? Seriously? You have to give up drugs for yourself or it doesn't even matter. And dude, everyone has to give up drinking and hanging out with their buddies when they get married, it's called GROWING UP. A couple beers. I have heard that one before. If it's truly just a couple, there shouldn't be any problem, IMO. Problem is, when my husband says just a couple, it's usually a six pack or more, or a large bottle of wine. Just my experience. I don't have anything to say about you giving up your job for her, that doesn't make a lot of sense unless you were an exotic dancer or something. I agree with you that your wife should try and maintain her weight, just as you are apparently keeping your physique the same as when you got married. My husband ballooned up to almost 300lbs and it was pretty bad, so I'm with you there. But really...you don't give up those things for the sake of someone else, you do it for a happy marriage or for yourself. A few beers a couple nights a week, or maybe just on weekends...no biggie, unless it's leading to other things.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 20:36 posted by Guest

    So with you: I am right there with you - long term marriage, kids, and way too many years of verbal and emotional abuse. Promises to stop, some counseling with homework he never followed up on or maybe it just never sank in. Cycles and cycles of the same old thing, promises, broken promises. He's angry because I don't trust him - how silly is that? Of course I don't trust him! he has lied to me for at least 10 years (the first 10 were not bad), called me horrible names, sworn at me and the kids and escalated his drinking to a dangerous point. I'm watching a home movie of his life as a child...only now I'm his mom and he's his dad and I already know how that one ended. He is ever. so. slowly. moving toward physical abuse. I almost wish he would just go ahead and get it over with. The kids and I know that's the last straw, the final frontier. Currently I am having a hard time looking at him with anything other than a blank stare. I feel no sexual attraction to him, which is difficult as we have normally enjoyed no problems in that area (except during the throes of an abusive time). Normally I can "get over it", but it's just getting too difficult.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 20:34 posted by Guest

    lost n hurt: i have been with my husband for 16 yrs and married 4 of them. tommrow is my 35th b-day, @ 2:3o am today i found out he cheated and has a 6 mos old son. now im like what really we have been not living togethere 4 the past 7 weeks due to him not talking comming home him telling me he needs space well come 2 find out he needs space because he needed to find a way to tell me. so i get a text at 2:30 am today telling " sry i messed up" i came out of a deep sleep texting n calling him for hours with no reply now he getting on a plain to go lay a family member to rest. im so lost dont know hwere or what to do. my heart loves him when i meet him 4 first time 16 yrs ago i new the min i layed my eyes on him that he was my 1 id marry n have kids with we had a great life so fare but now im not sure what to do. not to say that ive had cancer 2 time in the last 2 yrs and had neck surgy i know im a surviver of cancer but how do i survive a divorce when i love him so much ? what to do what to do whats my next step...

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 20:03 posted by Guest

    Do it: I don't mean file, that's your decision, and one I wished I'd made when my children were younger. Now they're grade school and middle school and they are seeing the results of the years of verbal abuse, and it's being aimed at them some too, and escalating to emotional abuse as well. What I mean is, take his wonderful little family that he is currently taking for granted, and shut it all down for him. Don't tell him you are doing this. Go to family that he wouldn't think of, someone's cabin in the woods, drive to another state (with earplugs if need be, I've been there with the wee ones), but get out of dodge and let him come home to an empty house. He has to be made to feel the fear or he never will. I watched a co-worker, a serial philanderer, go through this. His wife was smart enough to do this. She packed up their three young kids and a LOT of stuff and drove across the country, staying with friends and family along the way. He completely freaked out. He had no idea she was doing this, no idea where she was for several days. When he finally found out (she was with HIS parents), he found a job out there as soon as he could and packed up the rest of their stuff. He kept saying he was missing his baby's first steps, so many firsts..now he was also an alcoholic, or alcoholic dependent at the very least. I don't know if they made it or not, but the point is, she put the fear of God in him with her move. It can at least be duplicated to some extent by going away for a bit.

    You can't just sit a man down and explain how you feel and what it's doing to you, when he's in the middle of something that's so exciting. He will lie to you and tell you YOU are being paranoid (heard that one) and you are blowing everything out of proportion (heard that one too) and that maybe you have some sort of problem (heard that one) and that you are causing the arguments not him (yup) by making such a fuss all the time. There is never, ever any reason for a married man to be texting, emailing, talking or voice-mailing another woman, married or not, as much as he is. And for there to be suggestive things - amazing you've even heard the half of it. Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that this is all innocent? Do you really want a man who can so casually tell you to "file" if you don't like it? That's like saying I'm going to do this no matter what you say to me. Choices.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 16:48 posted by Guest

    You need to talk to a: You need to talk to a professional about his threats! This is serious.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 16:35 posted by Guest

    Yes honey your husband is: Yes honey your husband is upusive. I had to divorce a man like yors before, from him trating me like that for so long, I thought the only way to get out was to kill myself. After years of mental and physical (pushing, punching walls) I went to therapy with other women from upusive relations and they all sounded like you. I know you are scared to get out, but you can get help and you need to leave him! Good luck.

    sincerely
    M.R

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 09 July 2012 02:10 posted by Guest

    How do I handle this? Desperate for advice please!: My husband and I have been married for 8 years this month. Up until a few months ago we'd been extremely happy. We have four small children, oldest being 4. Around September when I found I was pregnant again I went through an extremely stressful time and I almost lost the baby twice. I became depressed and closed off. In the mean time my hubby had reconnected with an old friend from high school and developed a deeper friendship with her. I considered her a friend too so it didn't bother me that they were talking. Around thanksgiving I discovered that they were spending hrs of the day on the phone and exchanging hundreds of texts daily. About a week later I found texts from her saying I love you and a few texts that were suggestive. He denies anything physical happened. He swore that those things would never happen again, but over a few months it escalated. She too is married with kids. She started leaving him voicemails saying she loved him more than anything in the universe. I loved him so much that when he told me it was app done I let it go and he's kept her as a friend. They continue to text and he has backed off the phone calls, but in my mind I feel I've been betrayed by a friend and my husband. I want the contact between them to stop because every once in awhile she still says things I'm not ok with. My husband says I'm a control freak which I've never been in our marriage. I don't feel like I can accept their friendship because they have crossed those lines. Because I can't accept it we fight all the time which is very new for us. We never argued over something that couldn't be solved in a couple hrs. I feel like he's choosing her over me. I don't know what to do, it's a huge blow to my ego and my heart that I don't know what to do. When we fight he tells me to file. I'm at the point where I feel like its my only option, not because I don't love him but because their relationship has been damaging to our marriage. Am I so wrong to ask him to stop communications with her? I'm so lost I don't know what to do please help!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 08 July 2012 22:51 posted by Guest

    Time to go?: My husband and I have been married for 4 years, known each other a great deal longer than that. We have almost 4 year old twin sons, a cat and a dog. I love my family and in the beginning things were great. Then as time went on it got worse and worse and worse. Shortly after we married I discovered he was signing up for websites seeking random sexual partners. He denied it. I said okay. Then I saw it two more times over the past 4 years. He continues to deny he ever filled out the profile. (There were explicit photos of him on these sites.)

    He's been fighting with me more. It's like walking around the house on egg shells. I've completely shut down communication wise with him because I'm terrified I'm going to say the wrong thing and he's going to flip out and break something. (He is notorious for throwing things and breaking them. Punching holes in walls and pushing me.)

    He's never happy and after his screaming tirades he just apologizes and promises to never do it again. (Which he does) If I don't say okay and just forgive him, he starts his screaming all over again calling me horrible names and letting me know just how ungrateful I am.

    Everything that goes wrong in the house, is my fault. Even if I had just gotten off of a 12 1/2 hour shift and he was home all day, it's my fault. He refuses to see a therapist with or without me. He things are just a okay. I know they're not.

    Time to call it quits?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 08 July 2012 14:21 posted by Guest

    You will lose your mind...: The truth is you already know the answer. The beginnings of relationships are easy, we give each other the best of ourselves. I can't tell how long you have been married, but I would suggest that if you don't have children at the present to truly consider what you need for yourself. If he is not willing to give "YOUR" relationship the effort it deserves should you continue to suffer? A marriage is two people, not one with a "problem". So much of what you said in post resonated with me, I have heard so many of these exact same things and I have invested over 12 years with my husband and am now about to pull the plug. Which quite frankly I should have done a long time ago, but we have children so it becomes a bit more complicated. Further along that note, I was a private investigator for some time and can tell you that you have all the classic red flags of a cheater. Again do you really want to spend every moment you're apart wondering what he is doing, because you will. We only get once chance at this life, let's muster the courage to make it a good one.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 08 July 2012 13:09 posted by Guest

    Hello,

    After reading your: Hello,

    After reading your story i felt like i was reading a book abut myself except we are maried for 5 years with no kids. I really feel that happiness like everything else in marriage is caused by two people. If one is unhappy for whatever reason there is no happiness in marriage. After contemplating for about a year i have decided to move on. I tried convincing my parents that divorce is the only option for me but was in vain. They believe in holy matrimony and i strongly believe that if i cant understand what they are trying to tell me about marriage then why am i hell bound on convincing them to see divorce as a good option. Me and my husband had a lot of intimacy issues. He said that it was in his mind and he is working on it. He promised me he will but to tell you he will never, people hardly change according to me they never. He is a good provider and hence i feel i took a very long time to decide as i was getting out of my comfort zone. But to tell you the fear of being alone was eating me up and i couldnt dare to leave him. But i ahve soon realised nobody but you will know what you have gone through and it's your own opinion that counts. If you think you still can give him a second chance go ahead for councelling and if you feel you cannot ask yourself to love him and be intimate with him again, i suggest leaving. The sooner the better. Leave him and make sure you have steeled your self somewhat financilaly before hand so teh uncomfartable feeling and fear goes away. once you do that and make your mind free i'm sure like me you will also be able to start fresh.



  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:56 posted by Guest

    there are plenty of fish in: there are plenty of fish in the sea. he obviously doesn't deserve you. you should leave him and move on with your life. he's not worth fighting for and losing your mind for. clearly, he's an a-hole and really, leaving him is out of the question! remove him from your life and you'll find happiness...

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:20 posted by Guest

    my husband : Let me say I love my husband, but here lately things just haven't been right with us. he works nights and lately he gets up gets on face book smiles gets off and looks at me with like i have done something wrong. He made the mistake of leaving his face book open. So I looked He's been talking to another girl about taking his slow sweet time with every inch of her naked body. Not to mention his grandmother just gave us a rental house to live in. this is not the only thing before we moved in he bought a hotel room for a homeless person waited three days to tell me. I can't do any right, he's always grouchy. when i called him out on it I had my bags packed. He told me he wanted me to stay and that he loves me but denies writing the messages. Oh not to mention i have found out this has been going on since we've been married he's talked to others like this. Is it me or should i feel betrayed we both know he's lying. I've even talked to the girl and he erased his face book accounts. said he got hacked!! I want my husband back the man i married but i am so hurt. and it's all i think about. I've gotten to the point were i don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't know how to get us back and he won't go to counseling cause i have the problem not him. help me please before i lose my mind

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 13:32 posted by Guest

    How do I know if I still love my husband? : I married him when I was 24 and he was 27. We've been married for 7 years and have known each other for 8. He's a very very very nice guy. He loves my son like his own, makes breakfast every morning before school/work. He drops off my son to school every day and even sometimes pick him up when I couldn't. He's always sensitive to what our needs are, water, kleenex, hot sauce, shampoo - name it, he's got it. Sometimes he asks too much that it irritates me. He can't make his own decision, he always has to ask me or when someone asks us questions, he always has to look at me for some type of confirmation or so I can answer. He can't give a straight opinion/answer when I ask him questions. He follows me everywhere I go (even when we're shopping - he'd rather help me carry the things I want to try on or get) and wouldn't want to go anywhere without me. He doesn't seem to like it when I hang out with my friends. Whenever I seem to be having fun, his face looks like the world has fallen down on him - annoys the hell out of me!




    I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I don't know if I love him or if I just need him because he does things for me and I have that feeling of security because I know that he loves me. We don't even kiss anymore, he asks for it but I don't know why I wouldn't want to. I know I like to kiss, I know I still desire to feel butterflies in my stomach, to be in love, maybe broken-hearted again, I really don't know. I just don't feel anything anymore and I feel sooo bad and so confused. We haven't had sex in probably 3 weeks now and even if I'm feeling it sometimes, I don't have the desire to do it with him anymore. I feel bad for saying this but is it just me or is it natural that men finish fast when having sex? It's like I'm starting to build up and then there it goes. Done. Sometimes he'll try to hold it by pulling out for a little while but that doesn't help me at all. Sometimes, I'm thinking is there something wrong with me???




    I strongly believe in marriage and I used to think that people getting divorced are way out of their minds and all but I don't know about that now... What if you're not happy anymore? I don't want to end up like some couple I know - they were never happy together. They're miserable but it's almost too late to find happiness for themselves because they're older now. I don't want to grow old without having someone that I feel I'm in love with. I honestly do not know what to do. Is there such thing as happiness in marriage? Or is it only in the beginning and eventually love dies?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 06 July 2012 16:04 posted by Guest

    Caught in a trap: I am a middle-aged woman (I really hate to admit that). However, it has given me a lot of life experience. I've had one quick "mistake marriage" of 1 year when I was 29. And I'm married now - 9 years. He wants out, I don't. That's another story. Back to you, my dear. I was raised in a Protestant home, but had a college advisor who was a Morman marriage counselor. The Morman religion is very, very different from mainstream Christianity. Your h is not going to give up on trying to convert you. I'm surprised that he married a non-Morman. Do some research on Morman beliefs on more sites than just the Church-sponsored sites; unless you are completely on board with all of their really, really different practices, get out! The mainstream Morman Church does not promote polygomy - it was part of their history, but they no longer, as a Church, promote that. Beliefs in polygomy are sects who purport to be a part of the Morman Church, but are not. If you really want out, and are afraid you can't support yourself if you leave, quietly contact a Nanny service and apply with them. There are nanny jobs where you live in the home and have your own bedroom or suite. Be careful about messing around with this new guy, but I can really understand the desire. We have a neighbor I would love to mess around with. From the indicators you have pointed out about your h, infidelity on your part may lead to him physically abusing you or raping you (yes, a h forcing sex on you when you are strongly and consistently saying "no" is rape). (1) Don't get pregnant - if you're not on the pill, etc., use a contraceptive sponge - they're really nice, and he unless he gives you a gynecological exam, he won't know you're using it. (2) Develop an escape plan, just in case, whether you get it on with your friend or not. (3) Build a support group of relatives, friends, neighbors, who you can go to in an emergency. (4) Find out the emergency number for the Women's Shelter in your area. The police will provide you with this number. If your husband does abuse or rape you, you can call the police and they will get you to the emergency room and then to a shelter. Bottom line: learn all you can about his beliefs and the beliefs of whatever "Church" he says he is a part of - unless you can commit to all of it, use your escape plan and get out. I'm afraid that he would go off on you if you told him you wanted out, so I probably wouldn't. Better to get out early than later. I wish I had left my 1st on the honeymoon. I knew I should, but stuck it out. At least I tried. And so did you. Best of luck sweetie!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 05 July 2012 18:34 posted by Guest

    it might be time.: If you don't feel physically or emotionally attracted to him, why are you still with him? If you are attracted to him, why are you here? When the time comes-if the time comes, you'll know exactly what to do. Do you feel like it's not worth being with him anymore? Can you look him in the eye without feeling disgusted? Can you imagine life without him? If you answered yes to these, it might be time. Remember, you're not doing your kids any favors by being unhappy. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 05 July 2012 15:04 posted by Guest

    I'm in the same boat: I am in nearly the exact same position you are with my husband. We have an almost 4 year old girl and an 18 month boy. My husband has a gambling addition which he has battled throughout our 5 year marriage. I did not know this prior to our marriage. Whenever it has gotten really bad he has promised to change and even made efforts to do so and during those times I got pregnant. I would then begin to trust him again but weeks or months later he would be gambling again and lying compulsively about everything. I used to be a stronger woman and didn't put up with his verbal abuse but his behavior escalated so slowly over time I didn't even realize how far from healthy our relationship had become. I'd never seen a counselor before but just started going. On the second visit I was given a handout on domestic violence because the hurtful behavior I was describing was emotional abuse. I was shocked because while he has never hit me he has thrown things at me, blamed me for our problems, called me names, put me down in public, etc... I was told that often emotional abuse comes before physical abuse. I've been trying to make it work for the sake of the kids but now I'm trying to leave because of the kids. My husband is now saying things to our daughter that I believe to be boarderline emotionally abusive. I do not want her to grow up thinking this behavior is ok from anyone and I don't want my son to think it's an acceptable way to treat a woman. I've also become depressed at the thought of staying even though my husband is clearly making an effort to change right now. In the past his efforts to change would have made me stay and honestly it's very hard to walk away when he's trying but it's such a cycle and my heart knows that if I don't do this I will regret it. I would rather divorce now when my kids are young and able to get used to a new normal. My kids deserve a healthy mom! So, what to do? Counseling has REALLY helped me to see things more clearly so I would definately start there. I downloaded an app for my phone that lets me write journal entrys. I would quickly write down if he did something questionable. It was very eye opening to review these entries over time and realize just how much I've put up with. Confide in someone that you trust and are sure will not judge you if you decide to stay or go.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 05 July 2012 03:33 posted by Guest

    wow : your so right thanks for your comment i never thought of it like that. it was like you were writing about me im gulity of that. but not for long

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 04 July 2012 23:35 posted by Guest

    I'd leave him. I truly: I'd leave him. I truly believe that once that emotional and physical connection is lost, it's hard to get back. I left my husband, because i never felt it. Though he initiated intimacy almost on a daily basis, i would not like it. I tried to avoid it, but then gave in, trying to be the good wife. Though we made good partners, parents, and a great income together, i felt it was time to move on and find true happiness, and...i did. Husband is handsome, but sometimes, there is something deep within the heart that makes one wonder, why am i not really into this? I thought it was just me....turns out i was wrong. When you find your true soul mate, you will understand perfectly. Someone who cares about every breath you take, and worries about every little emotion you have, and you think about each other constantly. I loved my husband, but why spend my entire life with someone, just trying to make him and the kids happy. When i left, they were all upset, but they are coming around. I downsized on every aspect of my life, house, income, car, and more. But i must say, i am finding myself and i am finding that i am happier. It's sad to hurt others, but sometimes, you have to do what you feel is going to make you happiest, and eventually, others will understand. If you choose to stay, i would suggest counseling and seeing if that helps. I never wanted to go to counseling, because i was ready to move on. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 04 July 2012 21:39 posted by Guest

    What to do? : I'm tired of trying and not getting anywhere! I've been married for 18 years to a man who used to cares about himself and how he looked. Now he's put on a few pounds and actually wears his house shoes to restaurants with cut off shirts and athletic shorts. Really? I own my own business and am very successful at it. I work out and always look my best. This is just the way I was raised! Now after two kids who are now both in high school I feel the need to question why I am still married to this man. He is a police officer and has that mentality that he is always right and what he says goes! I'm not feeling it anymore! Our marriage has had its ups and downs many times in the past 18 years. More downs than ups I would have to admit! I am torn bc I believe you marry for life! I've stayed in this marriage bc of this. I honestly feel that if it wasn't for this belief I would not be married to this man. He was my first and I was caught up in the whole idea of being married and having a family. I got Pregnant at 19 and so we got married. Everyone outside of our home believes we have the perfect marriage. Which on the inside I am dying slowly! I feel like I am the only one trying in this marriage. I not only hold a full time job working 24/7 bc I own the business but I also manage a household doing everything including the chores men are supposed to take Care of! I handle all the bills and see to it that the kids are takin care of. Yes I do believe that at times I may not have time for him bc of my other duties. However, when I ask for a date night or just alone time he would rather not and preoccupy himself with his phone or the tv. I am a woman who needs to feel needed and loved. It took us 8 years to go on a honeymoon which was with four other couples. Since then we don't really do anything together. Not bc of me but bc of him! He to me is just becoming a boring old man with no emotions. The only time we see him smile is when he is conversing with his work buddies. The kids even notice it now. Which is sad to say! So my question is... Is it over with him or is there still hope? So much would change. Do I stay with him at least until the kids graduate? 4 more years to go. He has said before if I left him he would just kill us all! I believe him too! He has a very strong temper and there is no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't do it! In the past I've been bullied by him. so much is at stake with this and I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice my kids and my own life for my happiness!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 04 July 2012 17:58 posted by Guest

    I had a 17 year marraige with: I had a 17 year marraige with someone who sounds just like your guy. Trust me you can leave. You are not worthless like he makes you feel. Get out and dont look back. I am finally happy now. I am regretful of the time and the effort i spent trying to make a person who was not happy with himself happy. The worst is he is a successful businessman and every one in town thinks hes the best thing scince sliced bread but i really dont care what anyone thinks because i am free now from the psychological abuse he dished out everyday.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 04 July 2012 14:17 posted by Guest

    To Divorce or Not?: I've been married with preschool aged children with a man who started out as a prince Charming; we have a nice house together that i would be unable to afford on my own; after i had my first kid with him he became verbally abusive, calling me names and blaming his drinking/addiction issues on me, and occassionally breaking my things; he has not initiated sex wtih me in years, and last i asked why not years ago he said he had no emotional connection to me; we haven't had sex in six months; i am no longer physically attracted to him and can't get past all the abusive things he's said to me; but i have tried to make it work for the sake of my kids; i just don't know how much longer i can bear it; is it selfish to leave a spouse becuase of lack of physical or emotional intimacy? i really wonder if my DH is closet gay oftentimes; I work part-time and would have to go to full time if I leave him, and would rarely see my children then; i do not have much of a family support network and have little family of my own, so I am hesitant to break up the little bit of family i have; I am afraid I would regret divorcing him. But I am stilll young- in my 30s - and worry about regretting staying with him in my 50s .... What to do?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 July 2012 22:55 posted by Guest

    Any man that calls you a fat: Any man that calls you a fat b....h, needs to be bitch slapped and punched in the scrotum. What a SOB! If a man does not know how to cherish the woman he loves, then to hell with him. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't sell yourself short, you can do MUCH better and your son will be happier, when he see's him Mom happier. If you stay for your son, you will be digging yourself a much deeper hole, and one that will be impossible to climb out of. Leave while it's still shallow and tell that man to go find a woman who loves to be verbally abused....i believe some women kind of are into that. You obviously are not one of them, or you wouldn't be wanting advice. People fall out of love all the time....for all the right reasons. You have the right reason and the right time. Trust me, you will be glad you left. You will find a man who will want to be with you night and day and tell you on a daily basis how beautiful you are and how he couldn't imagine going a day without looking into your eyes. He's out there....you just happen to have found the exact opposite. Best of luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 July 2012 22:48 posted by Guest

    GET OUT! Trust me, you will: GET OUT! Trust me, you will be happier with very little, than staying with him. I have not been controlled by a man, but i have one who is working on the thought. You have to look within your own heart and decide what will really make you happy. I don't blame you about the kid part. To me, more than two is too many. Kids are expensive and when you have two, then you can spend your time, money, and effort into raising them the way they need to be raised. I would think too many kids would send anybody over the edge. You are in control of your own life and happiness, and that means you have to do what is right for you, and your future children. Your husband obviously has issues of being in control because of some of his own childhood situations. Be careful and plan this accordingly. Best of luck to you.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 July 2012 16:27 posted by Guest

    I can relate: I have only been marred for a year and I already know I made a mistake. I work 60 hours a week and travel for business. I usually leave around 4am on Monday and don't get back until late Thursday or Friday. My husband doesnt do anything around the house except mow the lawn which is tiny. I come home to dishes piled in the sink, food wrappers all over the end table, trash overflowing and dirty clothes piled up right next to the laundry basket instead of in it. My husband owns his own business but has struggled and hadn't brought home a paycheck in 10 months. I don't mind being the brad winner but I do resent the lack if respect. I have tried talking to him about it but he just tells me I'm nagging him. I have so much built up resentment and It's starting to kill the love I have for him. I spend my weekends cleaning the house, going grocery shopping, paying bills and doing laundry. I had to a week off from work just so I could get things done at home because I've been traveling so much. I am so unhappy and want out but we made a commitment and I am trying to honor it but it's getting to the point where everything he does gets on my nerves and I pray that he works late when I'm home so I don't have to e around him. There isn't any sex in the relationship anymore and I didn't know what to do to fix this. With him not bringing home a paycheck, I can't afford counseling. I really need some advice!!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 July 2012 02:09 posted by Guest

    Divorce so soon!!?: I have been married for only nine months to my husband and we dated for a yr before that. He comes from a polygamist family where the male is very domineering and head of the household. Well he works and I stay at home and clean and cook we have no kids but that's whatwe discussed cause he works for two weeks then gets off a week and if I had a job I wouldn't be able to take trips with him when he gets that week off...I have recently grown to hate him, everytime I look at him or hear his voice I shudder...he is so controlling anhe once told me when I wouldn't have sex with him that it was my responsibility as a wife to give him sex whenever...I'm 21 and he's 24 and he keeps pushing the mormon religion on me like crazy telling me I need to quit smoking and drinking and that I need to start preparing my body for kids...he wants to have 6 kids with me and adopt six more but I don't want to do that at all and I only want 2or 3 and I don't want to end up having a kid with him and then getting a divorce ovr something like that...I just feel like we are moving in different directions and that I don't deserve to be manipulated...I also moved to wy with him and I've grown to love the place a lot and don't want to leave but its so expensive to live here that if I did get a job I wouldn't know if I could support myself...I'm so scared what should I do?...cause I honestly hate him so much right now I can't even think of having sex with HIM...I know I'm going to cheat...I met a guy the other day who took me jet skiing and that was prob the most fun I've had with a man in a long time...plus he just knew how to treat a woman instead of if I was crying tell me to get over it and that I need to be strong...please help:(?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 02 July 2012 08:52 posted by Guest

    Lost reply from original writer : Thank you for ur advice. I have talked to my husband and he is trying to do better. The issue now is he does better for a little while then its back to the same old ways. Plus its hard for me to have the same feelings that I use to have now I am walking on eggshells hoping he won't have an outburst. I care for him and love him but I also feel like I hate him.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 02 July 2012 08:23 posted by Guest

    Reply to guest: I have just read you post and feel for you, so can I make some suggestions?

    Men have a tendency to think if a woman puts up with something once, they will always put up with it and that is not true.

    Women send up warning signals and then, if nothing changes they make their move.

    If you were saying your husband is violent or alcoholic I would say get out of there. Mental cruelty is also serious but, with your detailing his good points, perhaps he does not understand how his verbal abuse upsets you and is intolerable.

    He is in the military and that is a very macho environment where no doubt bad language can be accepted throughout the day. So then it is normal for him and he brings it home to you.

    So here is my advice.

    If you tell a man something once they will listen, if you tell him a number of times, they will close their ears and think you are nagging.

    Sit him down and tell him ONCE!

    Tell him you love him and he is good in many ways as a husband. But....,

    Tell him you are very unhappy with his verbal abuse and swearing and BULLYING! You find it very violent, it is not what you are used to and you will not tolerate it.

    Tell him to pull himself together and start behaving how a man should towards a woman and his wife or, if he does not stop abusing you, you will start considering your own safety and the future.

    If he needs therapy he must go for it of his own accord, but there IS something wrong with his self control if he cannot stop himself swearing at you and mistreating you.

    Only say it once. Don't nag. Don't whine. If he asks, say that you have made your feelings clear and and that you mean it.

    Set yourself a deadline. Say six months, whatever feels comfortable for you. Do not repreat yourself.

    Then decide at the end of that time whether to stay or go. It is tough with a little boy, but a boy should not grow up seeing and hearing his father abuse his mother.

    If you are a gentle soul and feel you cannot verbalise it to him well then write a letter and go out until he has read it.

    Lastly, if you are physically afraid of him and if he has ever hit you or you are afraid he will. Well then you know what to do! Get out!

    Hope that helps.

    K in London



  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 02 July 2012 02:30 posted by Guest

    Advice please...: My husband and I met in 2006 and got married 4 months later. We have been through our ups and downs but things don't seem to be going back up lately. He has an anger issue and can be like an atomic bomb. He is normally pretty quite and laid back. He works hard to provide for us. He tends to keep things bottled up and then finally just explodes. When he does explode he says very mean things like "shut the f*** up", "I hate you", "you are a fat b****", "I can't stand you", or "I want a divorce". I have put up with that for 6 years and my excuse has always been that he doesn't do it that often. He is in the military and the people he works with tend to use a lot of bad words. It's crazy because besides that he is almost perfect. He isn't controlling, I can pretty much do whatever I like. He isn't stingy with his money, I have full control of finances. He used his savings to put a down payment on a home and buy us nice furniture when we first got married. He works very hard. We have a 2 year old little boy that is the light of our life. Although we are unhappy I told myself that I would stay with him for our son. I have read so many things that say that a child is better with both of his parents even if the parents don't get along well. They say it really traumatizes the child when there is a divorce. Plus my husband is military so if we were to divorce we wouldn't end up living in the same state and my son wouldn't get to see his father. I don't know what to do because sometimes I feel like I hate him. I don't want to feel that way. I go to counseling but he won't go because he says he doesn't need it. I am determined to stay for my son but I just want to see what you think? Thank you.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 02 July 2012 01:19 posted by Guest

    feedback: I sure could use some help and advice. I am a mother of 4 and 7 year old children---I have been married 20 years, I am in my late 40's, I have no family close by and neither does my husband. I don't know if love can really die and how do you now if it does?
    when I look at my husband I hate him most of the time, he crossed the line with his yelling and verbal abuse a long time ago. I wish I had the guts to leave before I had children with him but now I feel really trapped. I am a full time mom and he is the sole provider I feel I can never trust him because of his unpredictable outbursts. All I feel is hate towards him. But we keep tying to work it out over and over again.....last week e texted me and said he loved me so I tried to regain that feeling but as soon as I felt it come back he had another yelling fit and it was gone all over again. What to do, I don't know....

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 01 July 2012 09:13 posted by Guest

    Thank you for your honesty. I: Thank you for your honesty. I know i have no decency and i do think about his wife and kids. I dont want them hurt and i know he is not going to leave them for me and i wouldnt expect him to. We were both adults going into this relationship and we both knew the consequences of unprotected sex. This relationship just opened my eyes to the fact that someone can care for me the way i am. I dont have to change who i am to make someone happy like my husband was always trying to make me do. I need to just move on and divorce my husband. All of the signs are there. Now to get the guts to just do it.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 30 June 2012 13:26 posted by Guest

    one more month and that's it!: my husband and i got married after knowing each other for SIX MONTHS even though i didnt want to marry him and he knew it. the only reason we got married is because he got me pregnant and was going to move back to texas. my options were to either marry him and go to texas so my child could have a father or he was going to leave us (because he didnt have a place to stay only because he was too proud to move to my city). so at 5 months pregnant he move me to Texas to live in his parents tiny trailer.
    i dont love him i NEVER want to have sex with him, even just the thought of it disgusts me. He knows i dont want to have sex but harrasses me about it anyway and about a month ago he had sex with me after i repeatedly pushed him off and refused him. after that i decided im not doing this any more.
    we've been married for a year now and our son is turning one in August. speaking of our son, my Husband has NEVER given him a bath, only helps out when i ask him too even if its obvious that i need it. all he does is play video games and ignores our son when he cries or blames me. he's not a good dad at all. i know he loves our son but he doesnt want to take care of him.
    my husband works full time and i stay at home with the baby although i recently got a part time job, i dont like leaving my kid alone with his dad. i want a divorce but i want to wait till after our sons first birthday. i dont want to be fighting on that day.
    i've tried talking to my husband about our problems but he just says im crazy and theres nothing wrong. There IS somthing wrong! i shouldnt feel like a single mom when im not and i shouldnt have to have sex with someone when i dont want to. i cant stand my husband. i actually think he'll be relieved to get a divorce, i dont think he wants the responsibility of being a husband or a father.
    i recently got curious and checked the history on my computer and found 3 months worth of porn sites and live video chat porn, to me thats discusting especially the type of things he was looking at. now i dont even want him to touch me (not that i did before) last month i found condoms in his work pants. says he doesnt know where they came from but i dont think i believe him lol. i dont think he's cheated yet, but i dont think its too far down the road if things keep going like this. all i know is that this has to stop and in about a month im goin to start the process of a divorce.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 30 June 2012 11:32 posted by Guest

    Relate to "So true": "He married an aspiring attorney and that was part of the allure--my drive and ambition. IF I decided I just wanted to stay home with our daughter--I'm sure he would deal with it--but really?

    He represented he wanted to pursue his education--come to find out he did so because I said I wanted a man with a college degree. Yup, I got the bait n switch and I resent him for it. He makes a very good living doing the work he does now--but I wanted someone who had a similar ideology as me. I felt cheated."

    Have a similar situation only mine doesn't make a good living. I've spent thousands of $ on 3 different degree attempts for him. After 30+ years of marriage and several months of marriage therapy, I finally realized that it's too late for him to get a degree now and he never intended to get one. He was happy to bask in the glory of my success. Now what? The kids are grown and gone so that's not a reason to stay. I've got everything paid off except the mortgage and have limited his ability to continue charging to CC. Yet if I divorce him I'll have to pay alimony and the runway is too short to make up the $$ to retire by 66. Not sure what to do. Continue living with a man I can barely tolerate and maintain the standard of living for both of us or be single with a reduced standard of living, working until the day I die? If I could skip the sex with him and do like a lot of men do and have a little something on the side.... My upbringing doesn't allow me to do that though.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 30 June 2012 08:27 posted by Guest

    Divorce but Can I do it?: Got married at 23 years old to my first and only boyfriend. 12 years has passed, we have a 10 years old boy. Our lives full with ups and downs, most downs because of inlaws problems. They live with us. Yes, it went from messy kitchen, smelly room, a tiny door slam to a huge fight between me and my inlaw. we werent talking for 2 years eventhough we live in the same house. Tell that to Everybody Loves Raymond. From throwing my art projects, digging trash can to see if I throw a not so bad food away, reorganize my underwear drawer and refold all my clothes to forging my signature and applied for credit card without me knowing it ( my husband , my son and I was in Sydney for 4 months, we did asked her to please do not forget to send the payment.) I remembered walking to her table and found stash of paper with my almost perfect signature.

    I was a hard working gal, I didn't do partying till passed out ( just a little partying with good friends) I don't drink, smoke, collecting branded handbag and expensive shoes. I work and paid for my own college tuition, I bought golds, monetary and save and save and save. After married live, I was a housewive, and helping my husband with his previous job. My parents are, were pretty successful. I never did any house work before.

    My inlaw own a pretty good laundry business, used to have about 8 employees and then my husband quit his job to help his parents due to their "age" ( 60's) I was asked to help out too, which I agreed so I can get paid too. He agreed on paying me $1000,- for a month. but after months, I didn't get paid. At home I still have to do house works. ( we used to split our chorus, but I believe since 2006, My husband don't do anything at home anymore. He came home and sat in front of his computer to watch movies. I clean the carpet, kitchen, bathroom, room do laundry and everything) Plus at the working place I bring my young son along. (he was 1 at that time )He said, the business was busy but doesn't make enough money to cover expenses, so from $1000 down to $500. but still after months almost year, I still not get paid. After many more months I noticed that My father inlaw who did not basically nothing got salary for almost $2000. I was mad. The explanation was, for his social security reason. I was so mad, I told him it isn't fair. what about mine? he told me they will be no more fund at that time. Whatever.

    We were drifting apart. from a good happy family became like, we only spent time when we're sleeping or in the car. He came home late or early, he just sat infront of his computer and I went to sleep late and he will sleep even later. There's no intimacy, no cuddling, no kissing. well sometimes I asked him to hug me. and I get a better hug from strangers. Many question and "what if" started to pop up in my head specially at night time. I became an insomniac, anemic and gain tons of weight. ( I ate when I can't sleep and I know you will say it's an excuses. ) I know it too, but how can I stop?

    Thing went bad with my parents financially and health wise. They live in Aussie and California for me. I needed to send them money, I sent my secret saving ( from my college time ) and when he found out he throw a fits at me. that I should help out our self first, houses and all stuff. Almost every summer he went cold turkey, because that's the time when I asked to go back home to visit my parents. In 12 years I live here, I only got back there 3 times. When my parent was hospitalized due to a stroke, he said nothing then I said I need to go home, can you help me do something? he can help half. and I said okey. my cousin will pay the other half and he back off.( I lied, I thought he will think that it will make him look bad if my cousin have to pay for my tickets. so I made up this cousin thing )He ended up paying nothing. Still I managed to went back home with my son to care for my parents with my secret saving.


    Came back to Cali, I got a part time job at a museum, I got paid. Then my husband kind of foxing his way pretend to delayed in everything, like detergent, tooth paste, all those necessities. I found my self more freely to buy stuff for my son and myself. Before if I bought something more than $5, my credit card statement will have a huge question mark. ( I'm pretty sure my mother in law did that because I remembered once she asked me what did I buy? ) Like $ 5.30 Mcdonald. and she asked me what did I buy? I protested my husband. and he said that he was the one that put a question mark and meant to asked me but he forgot.

    Our house got robbed, my wedding ring, all the precious wedding gift from family are gone ( I cursed you thiefs ) including my secret stash, after a year I begged my husband to replaced my wedding band. (it was a gold band simple and classic ) but the only reply I got was, " do you know that gold is very expensive now?

    Even my son now called his dad, the Mister tomorrow later dad. because that's his answer to everything. Dad can we go to the park? Tomorrow. Dad can you play monopoly with me? later. Dad can we go swimming? Later. I feel depressed. Then I bring my son here and there by bus. Oh yeah because I don't drive. My husband did not want me to drive since beginning. I asked many times but always this and that.


    We have been trying to get pregnant since 3-4 years ago. So many false alarm, was late for weeks and my period came. It was false alarm. Last year, we finally got pregnant, but we lost it. because I was too tired from work and was bleeding. so I thought it was another false alarm. went to work like regular, almost passed out couple times, I thought because of anemic and no breakfast and lack of sleep. went home. I fall asleep and woke up in a pool of blood, Went to the bathroom and clean up. then had the worst cramp ever, things were just shooting out from me and a chunk of blood like the size of my palm like a sausage flop on the floor. I was screaming to my husband. I wanted him to see it, because earlier that day, I told him that it was so painful and the blood clot were pretty big, he told me to take advil and it was just a bad period. So he saw the chunky bloody meat on the floor. he was shocked too, and I said, It look like a baby? but he said no. anyway.. I took picture of it because I do not want the obgyn to think that I exaggerate the situation. and yes miscarriage. from the picture the doctor said 100% miscarriage. but she did not tell me if that's the baby or not. I was almost 13 weeks. I was hospitalized because my blood count was merely 2. My husbandgrumbled saying that why I didn't take care of my self better and now it will cost more than a newborn. From his face I can see that he was depressed as well. As I think about it, never once he hug me and comfort me. T_T. I paid for all the fees because my insurance did not covered it and my husband aaah, I'm tired to fight and argued. We never talked about this matter anymore. My poor son was the one that got hit badly, he was waiting for a sibling since he was 4. Sorry baby.


    Then couple months ago, I was thinking let's try it again. it was like you do your own and I do my own. ( I put effort and he fall asleep,. he put effort and I fall asleep ) I lost it. Months with no intimacy and suddenly want to try again? I want it but I'm tired and no point of having a baby if I feel like a crap with my unhappy marriage. He ignored me, spend more time infront of his computer. and now he told me that he is enrolled in a class. I thought good do something instead of watching internet tv. To my horror, he is planning to be a personal trainer. GREAT! that's for me is a clear sign of future affair. He already ignored me and now he wants to spend time with other people wife or other woman? I'm done here.
    I google here and there about personal trainer, nothing good come out. and I think of divorce, divorce, divorce. I even tell him that I worry and he told me that I watch too much drama?? excuse me. calling a teapot to a kettle. ( I forgot ) and he said that he will not have any affair. ( yeah now you say so ) and he will let me drive and teach me. and when he became a personal trainer he will be able to train me. I heard that befire, sweet promises but forgotten. like everything he promises nothing. Doom. I want a divorce. but I need to make sure that I can keep my son with me. Can anyone help me out?advice? contact number? lawyer recommendation? I dont know who will want to read this , no paragraph in between? oh Lord.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 30 June 2012 00:30 posted by Guest

    Work it out if you love her: It seems like you hav given up a lot for her but has she really done nothing for you?? Be honest with yourself when you answer. If you really love her then these issues can be works out, it could be much worse, trust me. You both need to sit down and discuss what it is you want from Each other. Tell her how u feel, tell her how much she means to you and let her talk to you. Listen to what she has to say and see if you can see her point of view. If you are Inlove this marriage can be saved. Tell her to stop bitching at you over every little thing ( of course don't say it like that) but explain exactly how you feel, I bet it will help

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 30 June 2012 00:19 posted by Guest

    Divorce him: You are not crazy for wanting a divorce but you are dead wrong for sleeping with a married man that already has a family. Have you no decency? His poor wife and kids. You are also wrong for cheating on your own husband. If you're not in love with him anymore and you can't even bare to be intimate then why are you still married? What's the point? I definately understand about you resenting your husband for not working and helping you out, that's not what a husband is supposed to do. In my opinion, you should get a divorce. Your marriage seems to already be over, why not make it official? I'm sure you can raise your baby fine alone because let's face it...that married man you are seeing is not going to leave his family for you. They never do.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 29 June 2012 15:25 posted by Guest

    agreed: to "that's a bunch of horse...".... you do not know how right you are. My husband is nothing like the man I married. His gut makes sex terrible. I hate it. I'd rather eat glass than f**k him, sorry. It's in the way, and he looks awful. I on the other hand, haven't changed one bit. So much for the 'fat wife' theory.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 29 June 2012 08:40 posted by Guest

    EVERY WIFE NEEDS TO READ THIS....: The title of your entry caught my eye as I am always interested in the male perspective as I find men hard to figure out. I have a very good male friend, and his views are exactly the same as yours. It's my belief that a big reason why people start to 'let themselves go' where they gain weight, etc. is mainly due to stress, which causes unhappiness (some might say depression). So, I think finding out what is causing those feelings is key. And for women, that is often because they are completely stressed out with all of the responsibilities they may have as mentioned in many of these postings. Another reason, is because they really aren't happy in their marriage. Many of us (including myself) were never taught how to be in a relationship, especially as it can (and should) evolve from first, excitable love to deeper love. I hate to generalize, but I think men are far less skilled in relationships and their lack of giving a woman what she needs, on top of all of the other expectations of women these days (we're all supposed to look like the magazine covers at the checkout - how many magazines do you see with pictures of men? 1 for every 10 of women?) causes a woman stress. Ideally, women manage this, find a balance, express their needs and understand their partners needs (and vice versa) and things can be managed.

    I have been married for 25 years and it has almost been rocky from the beginning. My husband had a drinking problem before we got married and it has carried on throughout the years (women, do NOT think they will change, for the most part, they don't). We have had 2 children who are in their mid-teens now and there were years when the stress was unbearable. I was in an excellent job before we got married and had kids and went part-time after for a while. I cannot imagine working full-time raising children and doing all of the other tasks of a household. Raising children is the biggest job one could ever take on. After the kids got older, I worked part-time and completed a degree. I now returned to full-time. I have managed to maintain my figure for the most part (as much as any man has managed to maintain his 18-20 year old physique), workout 2-3x a week, have lots of friends and am considered to be a warm, attractive person. However, not by my husband. I continue to be given the silent treatment whenever his moods dictate and I feel like I get more attention and care from others. I feel it's only a matter of time before this marriage ends and it's hard to not feel upset about how I've let it go this long. So, my husband must be one of the few who is not happy with someone who has maintained herself and has a career.

    I agree, women need to keep their value up. And, if that's happening, men need to continue to be the considerate, caring person they were when they were courting her. Men seem to drop much of that attention and effort when they get married and that is what a woman needs. It's too bad we don't understand each other very well.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 29 June 2012 02:24 posted by Guest

    So true!: and I'm a woman! Maybe the stay at home/career part is debatable. I've stayed home the past 3 years to finish law school but if I see my husband and cringe because he has this gut he didn't have when I met him and fell in love with him--I'm sure he cringed at the weight I gained during law school. I know I did! So for MYSELF i started working out and getting back in shape. Now, i'm not a big girl by any means, but how can women expect their men to treat them a certain way and value themselves if we stop caring about ourselves (our appearance) once we get married and have kids or whatever the case may be.



    Being in love doesn't make us blind--I know what I like and a gut on a man is not one of those things. He married an aspiring attorney and that was part of the allure--my drive and ambition. IF I decided I just wanted to stay home with our daughter--I'm sure he would deal with it--but really?



    He represented he wanted to pursue his education--come to find out he did so because I said I wanted a man with a college degree. Yup, I got the bait n switch and I resent him for it. He makes a very good living doing the work he does now--but I wanted someone who had a similar ideology as me. I felt cheated.



    As a woman I know I get caught up in what he doesn't do but I do acknowledge that in order for my arguments to be valid I have to make darn sure I am keeping up my end of the bargain. That whole if he loved you a few pounds . . . and the baby weight . . . bolonga! We want flowers, we want romance . . . they want the lighthearted girl they married--not the constant nag. They want the cute girl in the cute body they married--not the shallow Hal version. Yes, it's hard and we may never be the young and slim version of our former selves after children or what have you--but to not try at all? I get it! I really do! My husband and I are separated now. HOWEVER, that said, as was stated earlier, men are reactive! It has taken me some time to understand that but now I get it. Men don't need as much as we do as women in terms of the romance, etc., but by gawwwwd at least make an effort to keep yourself up. Maybe not stilettos and booty shorts but sweats and tshirts and the extra 50 lbs and then you wonder why there is no romance, etc.? I'm 34 and I love myself to much not to want to maintain myself. Forget the husband. So how can your husband to love you a certain way if you don't even love yourself enough to care for yourself?



    It really is a simple formula. I've been involved with someone almost 4 years and it is amazing how easy it is to get what I want with so little effort. If we have an argument and i start the waterworks--he shuts down--he won't deal with me that way. So I have learned that Simple, Short and non-repetive sentences without reproach work best.



    Instead of rhetorical questions or asking and answering for him, I ask him what I want to know and let him answer. Instead of asking why he doesn't do something like he used to. I ask him if we can do x, y or z. He usually responds with a "sure baby" and we do it. The other way, he wont respond. He senses a reproach coming. Men are big sissies despite their hard exteriors--no offense to the men--but who wants to have a finger constantly being waved at them "you didn't do this, you don't love me, y don't you this, that" they feel bad . . . at first. Then we keep going and going and going and then we jsut piss them off and annoy them at which point they shut down/drown out the sound of our voice and then we take it from the top "you didn't do this, you don't love me, y don't you this, that".



    It is comical to see how easy it can be if you understand the opposite sex a little bit better. My guy and I talk about these things and how we react to each other and he told me "sometimes I just don't think of it baby (going somewhere, doing something like buying flowers) "but if you tell me you want us to go to a nice dinner or go for a walk or have a nice picnic by the beach I will make the time for it." So who cares if it wasn't his idea! I get the end result I wanted.



    Cmmmon ladies . . .

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 29 June 2012 02:21 posted by Guest

    Totally agree with Every Wife Needs--: and I'm a woman! Maybe the stay at home/career part is debatable. I've stayed home the past 3 years to finish law school but if I see my husband and cringe because he has this gut he didn't have when I met him and fell in love with him--I'm sure he cringed at the weight I gained during law school. I know I did! So for MYSELF i started working out and getting back in shape. Now, i'm not a big girl by any means, but how can women expect their men to treat them a certain way and value themselves if we stop caring about ourselves (our appearance) once we get married and have kids or whatever the case may be.



    Being in love doesn't make us blind--I know what I like and a gut on a man is not one of those things. He married an aspiring attorney and that was part of the allure--my drive and ambition. IF I decided I just wanted to stay home with our daughter--I'm sure he would deal with it--but really?



    He represented he wanted to pursue his education--come to find out he did so because I said I wanted a man with a college degree. Yup, I got the bait n switch and I resent him for it. He makes a very good living doing the work he does now--but I wanted someone who had a similar ideology as me. I feel cheated.



    As a woman I know I get caught up in what he doesn't do but I do acknowledge that in order for my arguments to be valid I have to make darn sure I am keeping up my end of the bargain. That whole if he loved you a few pounds . . . and the baby weight . . . bolonga! We want flowers, we want romance . . . they want the lighthearted girl they married--not the constant nag. They want the cute girl in the cute body they married--not the shallow Hal version. Yes, it's hard and we may never be the young and slim version of our former selves after children or what have you--but to not try at all? I get it! I really do! My husband and I are separated now. HOWEVER, that said, as was stated earlier, men are reactive! It has taken me some time to understand that but now I get it. Men don't need as much as we do as women in terms of the romance, etc., but by gawwwwd at least make an effort to keep yourself up. Maybe not stilettos and booty shorts but sweats and tshirts and the extra 50 lbs and then you wonder why there is no romance, etc.? I'm 34 and I love myself to much not to want to maintain myself. Forget the husband. So how can your husband to love you a certain way if you don't even love yourself enough to care for yourself?



    It really is a simple formula. I've been involved with someone almost 4 years and it is amazing how easy it is to get what I want with so little effort. If we have an argument and i start the waterworks--he shuts down--he won't deal with me that way. So I have learned that Simple, Short and non-repetive sentences without reproach work best.



    Instead of rhetorical questions or asking and answering for him, I ask him what I want to know and let him answer. Instead of asking why he doesn't do something like he used to. I ask him if we can do x, y or z. He usually responds with a "sure baby" and we do it. The other way, he wont respond. He senses a reproach coming. Men are big sissies despite their hard exteriors--no offense to the men--but who wants to have a finger constantly being waved at them "you didn't do this, you don't love me, y don't you this, that" they feel bad . . . at first. Then we keep going and going and going and then we jsut piss them off and annoy them at which point they shut down/drown out the sound of our voice and then we take it from the top "you didn't do this, you don't love me, y don't you this, that".



    It is comical to see how easy it can be if you understand the opposite sex a little bit better. My guy and I talk about these things and how we react to each other and he told me "sometimes I just don't think of it baby (going somewhere, doing something like buying flowers) "but if you tell me you want us to go to a nice dinner or go for a walk or have a nice picnic by the beach I will make the time for it." So who cares if it wasn't his idea! I get the end result I wanted.



    Cmmmon ladies . . .

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 28 June 2012 18:49 posted by Guest

    Listen you have a point when: Listen you have a point when you talk about wifes expecting their hussband to treat them the way they did when they were dating but she doesnt act the same way she did when she was dating.....but as far as husbnands falling out of love because thier wife no longer has a career makes no sense to me. I am so sick of hearing men say they are the man of the house. They want the woman home cooking cleaning and careing for the children but as soon as she stops working to do care for her husband and children, the man complains because he cant afford to take care of his family and pay the bills the way a man is suppose too!!!!!!!! If a man wants to be old fashion and expect a woman to be in the house cooking and cleaning then he needs to be old fashion and keep a roof over her head and support the family on his own the way a man is suppose too. Its such a double standard. He says care for the kids, cook and clean if you are a real woman but he still wants his wife to help with the bills and if she doesnt keep her job then he bitches and complains. If you are a real man take care of the family by working and paying all the bills so that your wife can focuse her attention on taking care of the house and the children.

  • Comment Link H Thursday, 28 June 2012 17:59 posted by H

    "who is this man?": I am sorry for your situation. If you have any close relatives or good friends, you should let them know of your situation and if possible arrange to stay with some of them. If you dont already, open a bank account in your own name and put some cash in if you can.
    This sounds like an unstable and volatile situation, and for the safety of your self and your baby, you need to leave.
    What you had has gone and may not have been as stable as you thought.

    Plan things out as best you can before leaving, even if you have to start moving our things little by little. As for approaching the subject again, don't, just leave.

    Make sure you have a place to stay, even if it's a hotel. But friends and family are best. His adulterous behavior is completely unacceptable and you should also look at getting tested for any STD's.

    I know it is scary and sad but you will find you get braver.
    Whatever your decision, good luck.
    Take care.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 28 June 2012 07:41 posted by Guest

    My husband and I met in: My husband and I met in college. I was 19, he was 27. We dated for 5 years. We have been married for almost 17 years. In 2001 he lost his job. He sat at home for years just doing little jobs here and there but nothing that brought in much money. I have been the supporter of the household now for 11 years. I started resenting my husband. Our sex life went from okay to kinky because he was home all the time on the internet to non existent. He is a wonderful human being but the no job really started to piss me iff. Finally 5 years ago he started working but it was only part time. He would go home early and be there waiting for me when i would get home at 5:30 or 6:00 after a very hard and long day. I know that i care for my husband but i am not in love with him anymore. All i see is someone who for 11 years was okay with his wife busting her ass while he enjoyed the benefits. I should have divorced him years ago but i was i guess afraid and comfortable. Didnt think much of myself now that i look back. A few months ago i met someone. Problem he is married with kids. We both knew when this all started the issues of both being marrried and him having kids. We just couldnt stay away from each other. He is everything i have always wanted. Great attitude, hard working, motivated etc. we have fallen in love. I am now pregnant and cant be happier. I have wanted children but the thought of my husband and i actually having sex to possibly get pregant just turned my stomach. This new man just made me wabt to have his child just because he is what i felt i would want in a father of my child. Now i have told my husband about the affair and now about the baby. He was a little upset at first. Now he wants to help raise the child but doesnt want the father involved at all. My husband wants to be there but so far hasnt found a job. I know financially i would be better off on my own since i make enough to raise the baby on my own if i dont have my husband as a financial burden. My husband doesnt want a divorce he knows he can change and can help with the baby. He says he loves me so much. I just winder does he truly love me or is he afraid that he wont be able to survive on his own. I have always given in to him. I have moved out of my house for the last couple of months. I am still paying all the bills and again resenting my husband because i cant live in the house that i am paying for but the thought of going home just makes me feel trapped and afraid that i wont have the nerve to leave and just choose to settle. I would also have to give up the father of my child which i just dont want to do. I love him. He wants to be part of the childs life. At some point he will tell his wife but for now we both agreed it isnt the time because i am almost 41 and could lose the baby then we just hurt his wife and kids for nothing. Am i crazy to be wanting a divorce and possibly raising this baby on my own?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 28 June 2012 01:54 posted by Guest

    Lost....: Sounds to me like he is not appreciating you, and all that you do around the house. I was in the same boat. I felt that my wife did not appreciate me for all of the things that I do for her, she refuses to get a job and maybe does a few things here and there. I did decide to go to counseling on my own and it did not work. Now we have a son together and it became a real game changer. Eventually I had just given up and gave her an ultimatum...Change your ways, or I am leaving. She eventually changed her ways and things became a lot better.... but it makes me wonder is she being nice now because she still doesn't want to get a job and just wants to stay home and do nothing? Anyway... just give your husband an ultimatum. Maybe he will come around and realize what he is doing wrong. If not, then just leave him. Remember... you're not doing anything wrong.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 27 June 2012 23:08 posted by Guest

    To: My husband of 21 years": Listen, you need to leave. Make a plan, and leave. Let people know your intentions and just go through with that plan. You may have to hire an attorney, and may need to put a restraining order on your husband. He sounds cruel, controlling, and a little psycho. He needs a mental health evaluation from a real psychiatrist. But you need to not feel sorry for him and just know what's best for you and your kids. I think you deserve better than how he is treating you and if he is threatening you, he may actually try to go through with hurting you, or worse. If he kills himself, then that is not at all your fault. He has serious issues, and your life may depend on your choices. Get help, ASAP and GET OUT!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 27 June 2012 21:48 posted by Guest

    Reply to Every Wife Needs...: You are complete jerk. Why any woman would want to be married to you is a mystery. Go back to your cave neathderthal.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 27 June 2012 21:33 posted by Guest

    Those are untrue, immature,: Those are untrue, immature, foolish things to say

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 26 June 2012 23:01 posted by Guest

    I got one... My wife is a: I got one... My wife is a complete control freak!! When we first started dating, I did drugs, and drank, and hung out with my buddies. When we got married, over the course of about 4 years, I gave up drugs, for her, gave up my buddies, for her, and also gave up a job of ten years, for her. And now all she wants to do is b!tch at me for stuff that I haven't given up yet!!! All I ever hear is b!tching about me having a couple beers two or three times a week and how I am not gonna smell like beer every night! She has gained about twenty plus pounds since we first met, and hasn't lost an ounce!! All I do any more is drink at home a few nights a week and that's unacceptable!! I have given up so much for her and she hasn't given up squat for me!! We have a kid together now and I dont think I could afford to leave her now even if I wanted to. What should I do? Please help!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 26 June 2012 22:25 posted by Guest

    Ditto "Sad": Your comment moved me...short and to the point. I was trying to explain what I'm going through and it all just got so long and winded to try and explain EVERYTHING you think about when turning these kinds of thoughts around in your head. Marriage is long and deep and intertwined and freakin' HARD man! I understand how you say you don't want to hurt him. I am in that boat. Yet I feel very resentful of being the "mom" in our marriage which is probably why I feel more sensitive of hurting HIM. You probably are going a little crazy but rightfully so. I don't mean that in a bad way, just to say that you most certainly DO deserve to be happy and when you're beating your head against a wall between your pain and his, and everyone else who will be affected, it's maddening...there never seems to be that one defining answer. I'm on here too doing the same thing, thinking "Thank GOD I'm not alone! But now...what to do???" Mine too always promises to change and then doesn't, or does for a little while but then reverts back. I'm at the point now where I'm having to just sit and make a list I think. At least that will get it out of my head. But NOT feeling alone in our struggles is a big help I'm finding. Something someone told me once years ago when I was having these same thoughts and struggles really kind of stuck though. She said something like: "If you are not happy, then no one you love who is in your life and who is affected by your life is really happy either." Also, I read somewhere on here (or some other "Is divorce the answer???" website) that it hurts you BOTH to stay in an unhappy marriage. Change IS scary and will ALWAYS be scary no matter when it happens. The main thing is to see if things really CAN change to where we can live happy lives again. ALL of us...our husbands too.
    I don't have the answers but thanks for sparking me to be able to finally write something down on this site. You can do it, live happily again. We all can. Good luck on your journey. Hope your next post is titled "Happy" instead. :)

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 26 June 2012 15:52 posted by Guest

    My husband of 21 years feels: My husband of 21 years feels the only thing he needs to do is bring home the paycheck and spend his and my paycheck on whatever he wants. He gets jealous when my attention is on our two children or the housework that he expects me to do. He expects me to have three hot meals a day for him and the house spotless. My job is with a daycare that follows the school calendar so i do get alot of time off and i dont mind doing a majority of the chores but i get yelled at if things are not up to his expectations. If i spend any time with my girlfriends he gets angry especially if there is something i didnt get to finish around the house. Over the years he has accused me of having an affair. Now he insists i am. He has always told me i am fat ugly and lazy. I dont think i am. I get compliments on my appearance from total strangers all the time. I still get carded when i buy alcohol. I began going to a councilor a few months ago at the request of my boss. The councilor wanted to see my husband too. When i asked him to go he flipped and said there was no need for a stranger to get involved. And made me stop going too. He said i have changed and he wants the shy naive 18 year old he married not the mature 39 year old i am. Our kids will not speak to him. If they are home he tells them they are worthless ba@#$rds that are mooching his hard earned money for junk. They are 16 and 19 and he has said that from the time they were old enough to ask for things. He has told me if i leave he will kill me and take his own life. He was taken to mhu for making such threats and he said he never would follow through on those idle threats. So they released him and said there is no real threat. He makes sure he keeps us in a financial bind so i cant afford to leave.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 26 June 2012 12:36 posted by Guest

    LEAVE, OR NOT: ME AND MY HUSBAND BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN TOGETHER AND ONE WITH A SEPERATE REALATIONSHIP BEFORE. IM OLDER BY 7 YEARS AND WE JUST BEEN MARRIED FOR 2 YEARS BUT KNOW I WISH I NEVER WOULD HAVE MARRIED HIM, WE DONT KISS AT ALL ONLY PECKER KISSES BUT NEVER USE TONGE WE JUST STARTED SLEEPING IN SEPERATE BEDS BUT STILL SLEEP TOGETHER WHEN WE GET INTIMATE ONCE IN A WHILE, WE HAVE NO COMMUNICATION WHAT SO EVER I CANT GET OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO AND MY KIDS ARE GOOD HERE I COULD GO WITH ONE FAMILY MEMBER BUT ITLL BE SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND THEY DONT LIKE KIDS. WE DONT SPEND TIME TOGETHER FOR NOTHING WE ALWAYS DO EVERYTHING SEPERATE HE GOES HIS WAY I GO MY WAY I FEEL LIKE IM A ROOMMATE AND I LOVE HIM STILL BUT I DONT FEEL IT BACK FROM HIM CAN ANY ONE SAY IM SO STUPID FOR PUTTING UP WITH THIS OR DO I JUST LEAVE N GO TO A SHELTER WITH FOUR KIDS. ANY SUGGESTIONS?????

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 June 2012 15:01 posted by Guest

    so sorry: " how did I miss the funeral" -- so true and poignant...I'm sorry for your pain... i get it though.. I kind of feel I know certain events that were the "last straw" for me, where there was a paradigm shift in the way I could not "bounce back" like I used to from everything....it just quit...like I just can't "go there" anymore..

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 June 2012 14:52 posted by Guest

    hoping it would work too : i got married 16 years ago...dad was dying, i was on a rebound relationship essentially with my current spouse. I had dated my prior boyfriend on and off from 19 years old to 28. Not like THAT relationship was great...I got married becasue I was afraid to be alone as my dad was dying...I have no brothers of sisters, mom died when I was 8. I KNEW in a weird way, walking down the isle that it might not be the best thing...what to do? should I have ran out of the church like in The Graduate? Anyhow, that rarely happens in real life anyhow....I saw signs really really early on of issues..control like, " if you are on birth control, I'll divorce you".--husband was really really "religious". I had four c-sections, 4 beautiful girls. My marriage only seemed to work when I was helpless and well, "controlled". I feel emotionally f--ked in my relationship, and there has been physical abuse...I'm 44, now...still look pretty good, got me a marine personal trainer and I want better for ME...My husband just puts in his time, verbal abuses me, has not initiated sex in like MONTHS..its really sad...when he really hurts me verbally, he sees no connection with the reason I withdraw emotionally and physically...duh..but he doesn't seriously get it...I go to a group for dealing with domestic violence. It is hard for me to accept I let this happen or didn't know how to make it stop, or that I felt so awful about myself that I got married out of fear of being alone, probably more than really knowing what true love is. Spouse has financial problems for years...finally we went bankrupt and living with his crazy abusive mom, so, it has all come full circle. I stay for now becasue I do not have a job, family, or place to go with my four girls...so, anyhow, thanks for listening. I feel so awful, but I'm just exhausted at trying to make this broken thing work...Its emotionally draining....when my spouse is somewhat nice to me, I push him away, and don't respond really because I don't trust him..every time I trust him, I get bushwacked emotionally...its sick...sigh...I'm scared but I think I do want better and more...

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 June 2012 10:46 posted by Guest

    reply to who is this man: Get out! If you feel threatened by him, take your son and go to a women's shelter or to a friend's home where he won't know where you are. Get a restraining order if you have to. I was married for 17 years to the same type of person. I found him having an on-line affair more than once. He was in sales and I suspected he had a few affairs while he was on the road (later confirmed) but insisted, no, I would never do that. He threatened my life when he would get in depressed moods about his career. I stayed an extra ten years trying to wait for my children to get older. I told him over and over that I wasn't going to stay married to him and when my daughter turned 18 it would be over. The problem was he wouldn't leave me alone for sex. I couldn't stand it anymore so I told him it was over. He went ballistic, like a crazy person. In front of our children he screamed "I'm going on match.com to find a new family." He would wake the children up in the middle of the night yelling things. He wouldn't let me sleep. It was horrible. He was crying begging me to stay, saying he was going to commit suicide. This literally went on for weeks when I told him either you leave or I leave with the kids. I was lucky, he left the home, but continued to torment me. I filed for divorce a month later because I didn't have a job and he wouldn't financially support the kids and me. I won't go into detail about my divorce, but it was one of the worst divorces ever. He had connections, an attorney who was evil, and I didn't have any representation because I didn't have any money. The divorce went on for four years. There were times I didn't think I would survive. I now have full custody of our children. He hardly ever sees them, but he is civil to me now. I know you are in for a long rocky road if you decide to leave, but if you stay, it will be just as bad - just more comfortable because it is hard for people to change their situation, even when it is bad one. You will need a lot of courage and TONS of support from family and friends. Good luck to you. You (unfortunately) are not alone.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 June 2012 02:01 posted by Guest

    thank you: First, thank you for acknowledging that having a intimate connection is more important than anything. I have lost weight, tanned, put a big smile on my face and I have realized that if that spark, that special "I cant live without you" feeling isn't there then its just time to let go. Second, I am a recent believer in "finding out the hard way". If I hadn't tried so hard to be the person I thought my husband wanted, then I wouldn't know that its not my fault something is missing. Its honestly not his fault either. We got married too young, we tried are best.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 June 2012 08:00 posted by Guest

    not so happily ever after: I've read through these comments, and found that there are others who feel the same as I do. I got married young, at 22 and we have been together for over 8 years total. My only difference is that my husband at age 30 had a severe medical problem that required serious spinal surgery. He has been out of work for over a year, and does not seem to want to help himself. We have become two different people because of everything. We are no longer who we used to be, and I am no longer happy. He does not want to accept that I want to separate, but I am leaving this week. I have to try and make myself happy. The only thing that scares me is the fact that he might flip out and because of all of his meds it might not be pretty. I never wanted to be a statistic, but I cannot control the feelings of anxiety and gief. I also do not want to get sucked back in. Does anyone have any advice on how I can be as nice as possible while still making my feelings known? I know I'm going to hurt him, but there's nothing I can do about that at this point. The lives we lead are separate, merely co existing in a home. It's not happiness, and while he did try, everything just went back to the way it was before, except now he won't leave me be at all. I'm suffocating, and I'm surrounded by negativity. I feel like a burden to my family, and just want to be happy, without having to dread coming home because I cannot relax. Am I crazy? Or just that unhappy?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 23 June 2012 13:11 posted by Guest

    How do u tell ur husband u: How do u tell ur husband u want a divorce. How do u start that conversation. I told my husband I was happy and he just says we can work it out, but how do I say I don't want to work it out. I want to move on. I don't want to jury him because, but I don't want to keep going like this.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 20:49 posted by Guest

    Talk about a rollercoaster ride!: Understandable....my problem is I do see myself being happy again. I'm just waiting for the time to come either with my husband or another man. Yes I have told him that I desire someone I can have a conversation in the car with or even at dinner that does not involve our conversation being just about our kids. We both have pretty much made up our minds it is just getting to that point. Actually our mind is so set up I have even separated our belonging for him to take them with him. Talk about a rollercoaster!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 20:04 posted by Guest

    Who is this man?: I don't know what to do. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to tell an emotionally manipulative, compulsive (or pathological, I'm not sure) liar that I want a divorce. I met my husband when we were both 19 and married him when I was 21. We had a wonderful relationship. He was my best friend. We had a phenomenal sex life. Supportive and attentive. Strongest relationship ever. Or so I thought, until January of this year. When using his phone, I discovered questionable, suggestive text messages between my husband of 5 years and a woman he worked with. When I confronted him about his "booty call" suggestion, he insisted it wasn't what it looked like and that it was out of context. Still suspicious, I did some digging and found out he had been posting personal ads on craigslist, soliciting sex, for our entire marriage and even before we said "I do." He still denies any wrong-doing. Says he never met with anyone. Says "it was just words, I never did anything!" If it wasn't for our 1 year old son, I would have walked out. But I stayed. Said we'd try to work it out. But now I feel like I'm married to this person that I don't even know and I can't trust him. I spend my time checking our phone records, checking his email, checking craigslist, etc. I can't bring myself to be intimate with him. The thought of sex makes my stomach knot up. However, when I told him I was unhappy, that I didn't think I'd ever be happy again, he cried. Got down on his knees and begged me to say. Said he'd do anything for me. Then he got angry and started punching and kicking walls. This was all with our son present. I can't imagine what would have happened if the baby wasn't there. I don't know what to do. How do I approach the subject again. I know that it is important that my son isn't there (last time was not a planned conversation). I just don't know what to do or how to maintain my composure against someone who is so much bigger than me physically and so dynamic emotionally.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 14:14 posted by Guest

    Look: Your hubby is just weird from what your saying. Either accept it or leave. Hes got more deeply rooted issues that only a professional can workout.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 14:12 posted by Guest

    You have: You have a valid point. If both of you are overweight nobody can say anything.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 12:14 posted by Guest

    I hoped it would work.: I understand kinda of going through the same ting ans I just don't want to move on and never find someone who can give me what I am looking for. Why leave one asshole for another.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 11:15 posted by Guest

    Holy Hananah are you kidding: Holy Hananah are you kidding me. I have been with my husband for 20 years raised his daughter our two kids work as I always have look the same as I did 20 years ago. He doesn't respect or treat me like I should be treated.. Pretty much all men need to grow the hell up and participate in life around them. Feed the mother first body and soul if you want a happy marriage and excitement in the bedroom REALLY Now what man looks like they did when a woman first dated them.....

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 09:14 posted by Guest

    Another man's perspective: Why do we get divorced? She says "He'll never change" while he says "That's not the woman I married." It's really as simple as that.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 June 2012 00:00 posted by Guest

    I TOTALLY AGREE!!!: I TOTALLY AGREE!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 June 2012 23:57 posted by Guest

    THATS A BUNCH OF B.S. I'VE: THATS A BUNCH OF B.S. I'VE DONE EVERYTHING U SAID INCLUDING GOING TO NURSING SCHOOL AND I FEEL MORE JEALOUSY THAN SUPPORT FROM MY HUSBAND ...WHAT GIVES???

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 June 2012 20:21 posted by Guest

    In hope that it would work: In hope that it would work between us, it is hard to let go of your first love when you have been together so long and that is all you know. We were still hanging out trying to make it work but not living together. So we decided to give it one more try. A part of me wants to move on with my life but another part doesnt want to give up. He will be moving in aug to finish school and that will be when with both know what to do. We have talked about this and he feels the same way I do. It is very confusing especially for me.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 June 2012 20:13 posted by Guest

    this reply is a lot: this reply is a lot different...because you talk about sharing the duties of the marriage...That's what makes things happen. when one person gives and the other takes..that's when problems occur.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 June 2012 20:07 posted by Guest

    thats a bunch of horse: thats a bunch of horse s**t..sorry to say but my husband has gained weight without having kids...he has lost his job and i supported him. Like the quote says..."If you don't look like a calvin klein model dont expect me to look like victoria secrets model." Unlike what most men think... women are very visual creatures and I do get turned on by the way a man dresses and smells and if he can have a six pack. Plus when a guy gets married a lot of time his dressed up to go out becomes just khaki shorts and a tshirt or something simple also. Then the sex gets bad because his belly is in the way...so why should a woman be criticized for her weight gain when it was from children.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 June 2012 19:11 posted by Guest

    Completely agree.: Completely agree.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 23:43 posted by Guest

    I agree with your comment. I: I agree with your comment. I am a woman who left my husband after 20 years. But, it was never about physical appearance. We both kept in shape, worked out a lot. I went through intense work-outs to keep myself healthy and happy, and so did he. I have a master's degree and brought home a big chunk of the income. The problem here is like many women, it's not about looks, or money, and sometimes it's not even about household chores. Women (for the most part) are not interested in looks, or potential income that the man brings in. All we want is the love that should be there. Sometimes, it just isn't. And sometimes you know that trying to make it work, will only last for a while. So, instead of going through the emotional roller coaster of staying, leaving, guilt, depression, despair.....sometimes it's best to just let go. My husband had a body to die for and very handsome. If women felt the same way that men did, i would still be with him. It is very sad that women let themselves go physically. I think there comes a time when the weight becomes such an issue that it's hard to get off. If i was with a man with a weight issue, i would definitely encourage him to get healthy, trim and do whatever i could to help him with this. It must be done with love and support and sometimes joining him with the diet and exercise to get him motivated. Love is the answer to any marriage issue, but i think the type of love has a lot to do with it. Sometimes we stay because we love our kids and want to make their lives happy. But the ultimate love is when you can't go a minute without thinking about your husband, and you would just love to be in his arms every minute, looking into his eyes and telling him how much you want to make his every desire a reality. It takes a special connection with someone. It's the type of love that would cause a woman to learn to drink a beer and love football just to please her man. It just depends on the connection. It's not about looks, but it's about the type of love that makes you want to do all in your power to make the other person happy.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 19:08 posted by Guest

    I am not in a place to give: I am not in a place to give advice but. I have a question if u were happy with out him why go back?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 19:03 posted by Guest

    Lost: I don't think I have lost my value to my husband. I look the same way I did when my husband meet me. I work as a teacher for autistic children. I also go to school to finish my education. I clean, cook, take car of my son and my husband. I male my husbands lunch every day, most days I make him breakfast, I iron his clothes for work. I do every thing for him but get nothing in return. If I don't make his lunch he calls me lazy. If I am sick I get held at cause thing don't get done right away or he has to help with my son. I just don't understand what I am supposed to do to make things work. I suggested Counseling and he said no. I have decided to go on my own but I don't believe its working. So someone please tell me what I did wrong or what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 18:48 posted by Guest

    Not the case here: My husband threated to divorce me if I didn't have his baby. When I went to college he called me a bad mom. When I worked he asked me to quit because he couldn't hanlde the kids if I got home from work after him. I dress up sexy for him, he turns me down. When I lost the weight after each kid our sex life never improved. His porn is of fat women and I am currently fat from having a fifth baby still nothing. I thought may be he just has a low sex drive but recently found out that he looks at porn every day. Nine years of trying everything to get his respect, love attention. Hours at the gym, in school, at work, pregnant, dolling up, vollentering for his work events, dealing with his family the list is endless. I can not make this man love me and it is not my fault. I just want to live my life without feeling judged by him. I love my kids and I hate that leaving him might be hard on them but being around him is toxic to me.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 14:52 posted by Guest

    agree 100% and im the wife!: You are absolutely right, that IS what goes on our husbands mind. And is not that they cannot cheat, they can and they will, same as the wife will. Im 40 and hubby is 44, i still look as amazing as the day we met, I act towards him the same way, and do all the things i did before we met and have added a few more, i havent stoped taking care of myself, or doing all the little and "big" things he liked me to do for him. We do behave like children sometimes, and also have very heated arguments. But marriage does take lot of work. the love and the care for eachother is always there, and as many individual would like to argue that looks are not everything, let me enlight you... they are! it doesn't matter whether you married a model or not, to you when you met that person, you liked what you seen or what was being presented, in the form of looks and personality and whatever else your wife/husband was selling... you bought it, and yes it does devalue with time, it is both your job to keep it running in good condition. I love my husband dearly, i think he is very attractive (most people don't think so) he used to stay in shape, was when we first met and then it went downhill... We can all come up with excuses for the way we look or behave, but think about this; if you were trying you hardest to keep yourself in shape and hubby became a piglet...hmmm... not so pretty. Also, romance is big, when you see wife/husband going a different direction, pull it in, take initiative, make dineer or take him/her out to a movie or a walk, or breakfast in bed, or a full body massage... yes it works. Same with conversation or chores or life in general, dont let it get routine... depression sinks in, fights begin, resentment builds up, love life no more. Im not gonna say that its all green pastures or paradise but your marriage could be the retreat or happy place you look forward to be in whenever the "outside life" gets too much. make your paradise, make yourself happy, get back in shape, physically, mentally, espiritually... do whatever it takes to bring you back to those unforgetable, reason you married him/her, happy days....

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 14:19 posted by Guest

    This: This shows me quite a bit. The last 2 people who replied to my message present themselves to be so mature, however, both are name calling like we are in grade school. I never called anyone any names which illuminates your maturity levels. My point is this, if you keep yourself at the best that you can, it shows numerous things. You care about you, you care about presenting your best to your mate, as well as other attributes. This effort is recognized and shows a dedication to giving versus demanding or complaining in which has the possibility of motivating your partner or at least having them recognize your efforts. I could have said it in alot of ways but i chose the way i did to demonstrate the mindframe of the spouses that im imagining here reading YOUR messages. To be honest, me and my wife have been together for 18 years and love each other obsessively. Our marriage is like the Notebook and that takes effort from both of us. We share duties, I take the trash out, she puts a new bag in. I fix the cars, she sits with me and keeps me company. I met her when I was 15 and im 33 now. I'm providing insight to some here but from what I see from your responses, your very immature and nasty. Makes sense why your marriages aren't working. Control your attitude and maybe somebody can live with you.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 13:58 posted by Guest

    Agreed.... (with No offense,): You are a complete moron if you feel that your wife's value has dropped just because she doesnt work, or has put on some weight. I only WISH we could be in a position for my wife to be home with our kids, and looks.... my wife is insanely beautiful - nearly 40, gave birth to our two kids, and still smoking hot. If relationships were based on someones physical appearance, and working outside the home, Id have the best marraige ever. the problems are elsewhere, your problems are elsewhere, it just seems as if you are too shallow to want to really get to what your issues are. --------------- Your wife didnt lose value, your attitude has lost value. If that is how you truly feel, and not just saying that to get a rise out of this forum, then YOU dont deserve HER. Good day, Mr. Goodspeed

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 09:54 posted by Guest

    I: I never said this would be easy to swallow but it's the hard truth that if those who want to truly fix this can get past their initial defensive response, they can address these hidden issues. This is a very deep complex issue and doesn't fix easily. The truth is never easy but will make things better. I'm a very sweet and loving man but being nice won't fix this, honesty will.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 19 June 2012 23:09 posted by Guest

    I'm in the same boat as you.: I'm in the same boat as you. I've been with my husband going on 10 yrs (since high school) we have two kids together but we have not communicated with each other in the last 8 yrs. You know like a husband and wife should. We separated last year for about 6 months...had the time of my life and I took him back. Ever since then things have gotten worse between us. Everything I do pisses him off and everything he does pisses me off. I know it is time to end it but I can't let him go again in the fear I'm losing something great. Any advise would be great and I hope you figure out what you need to do as well

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 19 June 2012 22:44 posted by Guest

    EVERY WIFE NEEDS TO READ THIS AS THIS IS A HUSBANDS SILENT ISSUE: Ill keep this brief. Most of the issues here are stemming from a few things but I guarantee you if a few things are done on your behalf, your relationships/marriages will see a new spark from your men. As a husband in very similar situations that you guys are in, Ive found after speaking with tons of men what their main issue with their spouses are.

    You Lost Your Edge!

    Believe this or not but this IS what is going on in your man's head. If you gained some weight from children, lose it and gain your figure back. If you've been at home not working since you've had kids, get back to work. Your men aren't respecting you anymore because your value dropped. Your men aren't respecting you because your value dropped. Read that 100 more times because it's true. Put yourself back in the state that you were married in because that's what he physically married and still wants. He didn't marry you to have your appeal change, he didn't marry you for you to stay home and not earn money. Because most men have children to please their wife/girlfriend, it is initially your responsibility in bulk until the child gets older where it makes more practical sense for us to take over primary responsibilites other than monetary. Alot of men aren't good with talking to babies or little kids but when they get a little older, our interest grows as well as our relationship with them.

    How would you feel if you bought a brand new Honda Accord and after 2 years, it transformed into a Hyundai Sonata? You would feel tricked, suckered, duped and more. That's the way we feel when you gain 50-60 lbs. We can't cheat so it's your and our responsibility to stay in an attractive state, physically as well as emotionally, similar to a single person. Wives want to be treated like their dating again by their husbands but you dont look or act like they way you did. Your asking but not giving. Really hear this so you can fix you permanently. Men are reactive, period. Women are proactive, contrary to what it appears. We react to you, we are mirrors of you. I guarantee there are very few men who are unhappy with a wife that maintains herself and her career.

    Here's the summary and it's straight honest. Marriage is NOT a finish line! This is when it becomes harder, like college. Dating is high school and marriage is college. Stop slacking and be the better you and your man will follow the same way he did when you were dating.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 19 June 2012 21:54 posted by Guest

    I dont want to be unhappy: I am 24 my husband is 26. We have been married for 15 months but have been together for a little over six years. I have a son who is five in a half I found out I was pregnant right after we got together. He has been the only dad my son has ever had. We have never had good commutnication. I never felt open enough to talk to him because when I did I felt like he didn't care or he would put me down about my feelings. He has calf me every name u could think of and I just take it and never say anything. I know it part my fault for talking it but I don't believe its OK for him to treat me that way. We moved away from my family and close to his and bought a house that is only in his name and when he gets mad he kicks me out. I love him and don't want to hurt him but I just can't take it anymore. Beside putting me down he calls.my son names and is always getting mad over stuff that kids do. Any advice is welcomed.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 18 June 2012 17:59 posted by Guest

    Just my views...: I must say that I am amazed and pained. It is a painful comfort to know that I am not the only one out there that feels wronged and betrayed. Not betrayed in the sense that my wife has found company with someone else, but betrayed like Caesar and Brutus. I do hope that by reading all of the comments posted by men and women, new readers realize this is a person thing, not a husband thing or a wife thing. EVERYONE is capable of hurting someone else. It is making the choice to do so that separates the direction we take as individuals.
    I love my wife with every ounce of my heart and soul, and have for the near two decades we have been married. She says she feels the same, sometimes…. The other times she says that she cant stand me, she hates me, doesn’t understand how she has been able to tolerate me this long. Understanding that I am absolutely not the perfect husband, I would still never say similar things to her. I could go on and on about all the specifics of the venom she spews, but it isn’t going to change the situation. So here I am to vent along with the rest of this relationships anonymous sounding board.
    I am by no means a professional when it comes to relationships, but here are a few things that I believe are truths based on relationships I