Sex buddies may be an option for divorced women who don't feel like getting emotionally attached.
You've been hurt once and now you want to take it slow. You don't want to get emotionally involved but you have sexual needs, so you decide to find "a friend with benefits."
Most men will eagerly accept a no-strings attached sex buddy. After all, men are biologically programmed to separate sex from love. The male body produces up to 100 times more of the sex hormone testosterone, making the male sex drive spontaneous, selfish, urgent and in the words of psychoanalyst Dr. Michael Bader, "ruthless" and driven to achieve sexual satisfaction at all costs.
Women, on the other hand, have difficulty compartmentalizing sex and love. It's not that women don't engage or can't enjoy casual sex — they certainly do — under certain circumstances. But women are much more likely to become emotionally invested during casual liaisons, imbuing them with romantic notions and visions of a shared future.
So how do you protect yourself from getting hurt?
First, stay away from men who you feel an instant attraction to — chances are these types of men subconsciously appeal to your "love map", or your prototypical romantic ideal developed in your formative years. These sorts of men will automatically trigger your desire for attachments and will not make good "sex buddies".
Watch closely the power scale in the casual relationship and make sure that the sex is on your terms, not his. If you start to feel anticipation and longing for your sex buddy, terminate that relationship immediately. Put together a list of all his negative traits reminding you why this liaison would never develop into a functional long-term bond.
Keep reminding yourself that you live in a big wide world with hundreds of thousands of available partners, many of whom would make not only great friends and lovers, but better suited companions as well. Start seeing other men and most importantly, learn to satisfy yourself sexually so that your sexual needs do not dictate your partner choice.
A sexually satisfied woman is a more confident and discriminating woman, better able to navigate the emotionally perilous waters of intimate relationships, whether casual or long-term.
A woman may feel as though her pleasure is not a priority. Some women are afraid they are taking too long to reach an orgasm so they decide to fake it rather than burden their partner. Yet others are too preoccupied with how they look, smell or sound to fully abandon themselves to pursuit of pleasure.
As a woman becomes more comfortable with her relationship, she is more likely to relax, enjoy herself, and become more vocal with her man. No wonder the majority of women report not experiencing orgasms during one-night stands. They need the comfort and trust of an intimate relationship to let go of self-evaluation, of worry about what their partners are thinking and to claim the selfish pleasure of climax.
Remember that communication is the heart of any good relationship and sex is no exception to this rule. Men are not trained as sexual athletes, nor do they have any instinctive knowledge as to how to please every woman. In the beginning of any sexual relationship, they are looking for and hoping for the clues that will help them bring you to satisfaction.
Playing It Safe: Post-Divorce Dating, a video interview with founder and CEO of womansavers.com, Stephany Alexander
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