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Sex buddies may be an option for divorced women who don't feel like getting emotionally attached.

You've been hurt once and now you want to take it slow. You don't want to get emotionally involved but you have sexual needs, so you decide to find "a friend with benefits."

Most men will eagerly accept a no-strings attached sex buddy. After all, men are biologically programmed to separate sex from love. The male body produces up to 100 times more of the sex hormone testosterone, making the male sex drive spontaneous, selfish, urgent and in the words of psychoanalyst Dr. Michael Bader, "ruthless" and driven to achieve sexual satisfaction at all costs.

Women, on the other hand, have difficulty compartmentalizing sex and love. It's not that women don't engage or can't enjoy casual sex — they certainly do — under certain circumstances. But women are much more likely to become emotionally invested during casual liaisons, imbuing them with romantic notions and visions of a shared future.

So how do you protect yourself from getting hurt?

First, stay away from men who you feel an instant attraction to — chances are these types of men subconsciously appeal to your "love map", or your prototypical romantic ideal developed in your formative years. These sorts of men will automatically trigger your desire for attachments and will not make good "sex buddies".

Watch closely the power scale in the casual relationship and make sure that the sex is on your terms, not his. If you start to feel anticipation and longing for your sex buddy, terminate that relationship immediately. Put together a list of all his negative traits reminding you why this liaison would never develop into a functional long-term bond.

Keep reminding yourself that you live in a big wide world with hundreds of thousands of available partners, many of whom would make not only great friends and lovers, but better suited companions as well. Start seeing other men and most importantly, learn to satisfy yourself sexually so that your sexual needs do not dictate your partner choice.

A sexually satisfied woman is a more confident and discriminating woman, better able to navigate the emotionally perilous waters of intimate relationships, whether casual or long-term.

A woman may feel as though her pleasure is not a priority. Some women are afraid they are taking too long to reach an orgasm so they decide to fake it rather than burden their partner. Yet others are too preoccupied with how they look, smell or sound to fully abandon themselves to pursuit of pleasure.

As a woman becomes more comfortable with her relationship, she is more likely to relax, enjoy herself, and become more vocal with her man. No wonder the majority of women report not experiencing orgasms during one-night stands. They need the comfort and trust of an intimate relationship to let go of self-evaluation, of worry about what their partners are thinking and to claim the selfish pleasure of climax.

Remember that communication is the heart of any good relationship and sex is no exception to this rule. Men are not trained as sexual athletes, nor do they have any instinctive knowledge as to how to please every woman. In the beginning of any sexual relationship, they are looking for and hoping for the clues that will help them bring you to satisfaction.

 

Related Content:

Find Your Perfect Match, a video interview with Astrologist, Constance Stellas

Friends With What Sort of Benefits?

Playing It Safe: Post-Divorce Dating, a video interview with founder and CEO of womansavers.com, Stephany Alexander

Click the following to return to the directory for Sex and Dating Post Divorce

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10 comments

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 12 September 2012 05:57 posted by Guest

    yes to sex buddies: I have been in a terrible marriage for more than two decades and sex with my ex husband was like rape and a chore, as a result I have lost all interest in sex for several years. Now that I am divorced I am able to have great sex with guys and I see nothing wrong with it. I have no wish to remarry of live with anyone, why have another pig on the couch asking when is dinner going to be ready? I d rather enjoy the rest of my life, I am a normal healthy woman and I see no reason why I should bbe celibate.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 16 August 2012 21:43 posted by Guest

    Should I?: I am recently divorced. It was finalized seven months ago. I have one child. Your situation sounds so familiar to me, and what you wrote is helping me make a big decision. My ex cheated on me and is living with this girl now. I have dated a few times, but I am not ready for a relationship or trying to make one work. A guy I have known for years wants me to do the FWB. At first, I was put off and I thought I would feel so used, but the more I think about it, this may be exactly what I need to jump start my life again. I could totally have sex with this guy without becoming emotionally involved. I don't want the emotions! I just want to have fun. So far we have just had some pretty sexual text conversations and they really get me going. The only thing I worry about is we live in a really small town. I know his family and friends and he knows mine. Could this be good for me? I do feel it is a little on the wrong side, but I have always done the right thing and after being cheated on by a man I was with for 15 years i feel a little jaded.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 30 July 2012 13:47 posted by Guest

    FWB are awesome!: I had a wonderful FWB relationship. I called him my F*ing friend! I was young, dumb and immature during my first marriage and self esteem took a nose dive when, not only did I find out that he had been cheating almost our entire relationship but he left me for and moved in with the OW. Along comes my friend! The reason that it worked out so well is that he laid out the guidelines in advance. Admittedly, he was a player, had been divorced two or three times and was not looking for a serious relationship. And he told me all of that up front. Told me not to just drop by because there could be some other woman there. This was all very important to me at that time in my life because as immature as I was (I always believed that if a guy wanted to or did have sex with you, it meant that he was in love with you!) I could have easily become too attached to him. Which would have been disastrous for me at that time. So we would get together on a certain day each week, spend some time together and I would go home. There were a few times that he would come to my house if my son was gone for the weekend and we had gone out on a few "dates" and talked on the phone once in a while, but our primary relationship was sexual. And I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. I had a few "serious" relationships during that time, so we would take a break from each other. Then when my relationship would end, I would call him and, no hard feelings, we would get together again. He helped me mature, helped me feel wanted and desired, gave me something to look forward to and there were no strings, no pressure, no stress.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 January 2012 19:42 posted by Guest

    Incredible how we still have: Incredible how we still have to hear/read about how only men can REALLY separate sex from love and how women just want cuddling and love and "real" relationships. When are we going to evolve?? A sexual relationship is just another sort of relationship and it is convenient for some people, men and women alike, according to their temperament and mood, not their gender. It gets tiring to hear on and on about men wanting "just sex" and women "only love". Let's get real, lots of women are not that keen on "real relationships" and quite a lot of men are simply not able to deal with a "just sex" one - I've known both. All women are not alike, and neither are men... Besides, maybe respect and consideration, and fun, are more important, in close intimate relationships as well as in sexual ones. And sex IS intimacy, anyway, so...

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 January 2012 16:25 posted by Guest

    I cannot believe this is a: I cannot believe this is a good idea. For a woman there is always emotional connection when there is sex. We are just made like that. To pretend otherwise is nonsense. Also there is the issue of STDs. Even with protection, you are not TOTALLY protected. Learn the facts on this.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 19 September 2011 00:37 posted by Guest

    I disagree about sex buddies: I am a divorced, single mother and for the last five years, since I have been divorced, I have dated a couple of people seriously and had the "friend with benefits" in between....the FWB actually dated my roommate in college, so I have known him forever and we have a lot of mutual friends. The sex with him was off the charts, however, he is not marriage material. I have recently had a change of opinion about the "friend with benefits" issue: I have become more involved in my Catholic faith and kept feeling bad about not keeping the commandment to only have sex within marriage. God gave us those rules to protect us. The sex with the FWB was fun and all, but afterwards, I always felt empty. Since the last boyfriend and I broke up, I have not called the FWB and have no intention of doing so. I have embraced celibacy and I am finding that it weeds out the non-contenders REALLY quickly. In my humble opinion, celibacy is the best choice. I feel really good and really confident since I have started on this new path....four months now and things are going well.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 12 March 2011 12:42 posted by Guest

    Confidence?: "A sexually satisfied woman is a more CONFIDENT and DISCRIMINATING woman"
    sounds discouraging for men to have a sex buddy than women.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 06 January 2011 23:54 posted by Guest

    Sex buddies are awesome!: Sex buddies are awesome! Most relationships fail whether the people in them can admit it or not. Sex without emotional attachment is the best way to do it. love is such rubbish. A complete facade.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 06 July 2010 03:47 posted by Guest

    Should you have a Sex Buddy?: Lovemaking with a friend can never feel as good, when love is missing in the air. Research has shown that people who are in love are a lot happier than the ones who are involved with a sex buddy, even if they did indulge in a satisfying romp once in a while.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 07 April 2009 07:53 posted by Guest

    reply: If only life were so simple! Why do people fall for this con that is telling them you can have sex without it having a consequence? Having sex with people means spending emotional currency and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.