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Domestic abuse is about control and power, usually a man getting and keeping control and power over a woman. To simplify it, someone who commits domestic abuse is a control freak, and for the sake of argument, we are going to use the pronoun “he.” An abuser can’t feel good about himself unless he feels he is in total control of a woman and the relationship.

The abuser will use physical violence, threats of physical violence, isolation, yelling, screaming, and emotional, sexual or financial abuse to attempt to control his wife and in return control the relationship. He will leave both physical and emotional scars as he tried to remain in control and stave off the feeling of his wife being out of his control. And as the economy gets worse, and recession sets in, and jobs are lost, and income falls… the more an abuser takes out his feelings of helplessness on his wife.

Victims of Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse happens to women of all ages, races and religions. Her economic or professional status is not an indicator of whether or not she will one day be a victim of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse occurs in the poorest neighbor and the priciest mansions.

Nearly 95 percent of domestic abuse victims are women. Over 50 percent of all women will experience domestic abuse in a love relationship and, for 24 to 30 percent of these women, the abuse happens regularly and over a long period.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, every 15 seconds a man or a woman becomes a victim of abuse. An abuser may seem gentle, loving, and kind to begin with. A woman might start a relationship thinking she had met her soul-mate, only to discover her mate had no soul at all.

Types of Domestic Abuse:

• Physical Abuse. Physical abuse consist of grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hitting, hair pulling, kicking, biting, etc. The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior to show the victim that he is the boss.

• Sexual Abuse. The sexually abusive husband will force or attempt to force sexual contact. A sexual abuser may commit marital rape, force sex on his wife after an episode of physical abuse, or treat his wife in a sexually demeaning way.

• Financial Abuse. The financial abuser attempts to make his wife financially dependent upon him. He maintains control over every financial resource; he withholds access to money and thwarts any attempt on her part to become financially independent.

• Emotional Abuse. The emotional abuser attempts to undermine his wife’s sense of self-worth by constantly criticizing her, belittling her, calling her names, coming between her and her friends, family, even children. Fear comes from the intimidation and mind games the victim is exposed to.

• Verbal Abuse. Verbal abuse may be overt or covert. Overt verbal abuse involves angry outbursts, verbal attacks, and name-calling. Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory and causes great confusion to a wife who works hard to do the right thing. Covert verbal abuse involves subtle comments meant to cause the wife to doubt herself, but given with the appearance of “only trying to be helpful.” Covert verbal abuse, which can be even more confusing, stems from repressed and hidden aggression on the part of the abuser. He wants to control her without letting her know. He was to control her while holding onto his image as a nice guy.

An abuser, regardless of how he chooses to abuse is a “coward and a bully” according to Dr. Phil McGraw. The abuser “chooses to abuse where it is safe, in a place where he feels loved and protected.”

Do you know someone who is loving and protecting an abuser? In my next article, I will discuss a few questions to be asked, and steps to be taken, so a woman can protect herself.

 

Related Content:

5 Keys to Divorcing Yourself From Physical Abuse, by Dr. Gina Meyers

How to Identify a Victim of Domestic Abuse

How to Get Help for Victims of Domestic Abuse

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12 comments

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 07 March 2013 02:29 posted by Guest

    I want to leave, but I am afraid, because I am finding no job, I am in a prejudice country in Europe, far from my family and 7 years in this situation. But now I just feel like having an heart attack any time and I am 35 I don't want to live like that anymore.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 07 March 2013 02:28 posted by Guest

    I want to leave, but I am afraid, because I am finding no job, I am in a prejudice country in Europe, far from my family and 7 years in this situation. But now I just feel like having an heart attack any time and I am 35 I don't want to live like that anymore.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 05 February 2013 21:46 posted by Guest

    from my experience being with: from my experience being with a man who makes you pay for EVERYTHING is another form of financial abuse. ive been brainwashed and manipulated in playing this role for more than 8 years. i had no choice or we would not have a roof over our heads of food on the table. i have to provide in all our financial needs. it makes me feel worthless knowing that my husband doesn't step up to show he cares about me and our son by providing for our needs. so exhausted. things will change, things will change . . . is all i hear everyday.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 15 November 2012 09:52 posted by Guest

    IM A ABUSED MOTHER I NEED HELP GETTING BACK TO MY COUNTRY : I need help !!!!!!, If anybody would know who can help me ?, I have 4 children they where born in the USA I lived in the USA sense 1985 , I have been abused by my ex husbant and still is , And my other childrens father he is a alcoholic Dad and he hardly ever helps me with the kids he drinks and smokes cigars all the money away , I'm on foodstamps ,There father stole and already pawned all my things that was any good like gold , and I work to be able to take care of the kids and the household ,And he calles me names every day like your a fat bitch and your piss of shit nothing , its been going on for 11 years now , I have police reports ,and help a child have been in are home many times to help the kids deal with this abuse ,Im scared of him !!!!!!!!!!!
    My mother became ill and I have to leave the USA to be with her and help her Im her only child , And i have my soul mate there also who wants to marry me and he loves me and my kids very much ,
    And the fathers would not let me take the kids with me out of USA, The 3 of my kids father told me I have to pay him 10,000 for sequrity to him before i can take them ,I dont have that kind of money , If I can sell my lot 8 acres but there is a problem with that to , I can't live with out my children , And they would have a home to live in my husbant to be have a big house , My children would have people who will love them very much take good care of them ,And im sure i got a job over seas ,If anybody can tell me who I can get help from ????,please help me I just want to go home with my children ,And be with my family again .

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 23 August 2012 21:22 posted by Guest

    Surviving Domestic Violence in Trinidad and Tobago: Hi I am a survivor of Domestic Violence with an ngo Reaching Out in Trinidad and Tobago and we are about to have a Rally on September 15th 2012. Do you collaborate in this fight against DV. I am a journalist and mother of six. I am also about to launch a book on my experiences, but more on what brought me through.
    Please contact me at 1868-397-2593 or the e-mail address above.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 11 February 2012 08:55 posted by Guest

    domestic violence: Hi my name is Steve and I am a victim of domestic violence perpertrated by my partner of 23yrs , she abused me with every form of domestic violence, which I have proof of . One day she told me she didnt want me anymore and would get me thrown out of my home,and didnt care how she did it . she formed a relationship with a police officer who helped her take a dv order out on myself, this is a very long story but to cut it short she got her way without any evidence what so ever against me, she manipulated the domestic violence centre who even with over whelming proof she was the abuser, I could not get them to even bother to see my proof that would have cleared my name. before this happened I had no police record not even a speeding fine and certainly no incidenses of domestic violence, she has made a mockery of the real victims and she has got away with it because of the dv centres inability to believe some women lie and control the system. I have had a nervouse breakdown because of this and lost everything in life and am now homeless. I have never been interviewed by the police or witnesses, this is such a corrupt institution that encourages some women to, lie and decieve to get there way. The end result is she has commited perjury she is going to jail and two peoples lifes have been destroyed by a feminist organisation that dont want to believe the truth if it fell on them, and yes I do know most victims are women but you should search your hearts and see their are men who are victims as well and dont get any help. Thanks again for destroying two lifes you should be ashamed of yourselfs but Im sure you will have a answer for this, The cop has got the sack and is being charged with fraud thanks again you are no better than the nazi courts that murdered innocent people during the war I bet you dont publish this.

  • Comment Link Jcol Friday, 03 February 2012 15:34 posted by Jcol

    It's good to know: It's good to know that the law is always on your side. I would also remind women that substantial proof is needed for the law to do its job. that might sound difficult but you'll be surprised how easy it is to get. My husband would behave completely differently at home and in front of others. Neighbors lived far from our house so there were never witnesses. I also rarely got small bruises which weren't enough proof. Then it came to me. Research security system options ( http://www.securitysystems.org/ ) and do one of the following:
    1. Say that you heard robberies are on the rise and you want to be protected with a monitoring service. This means that the monitoring company will also track what happens at home while you're there, not just when you're out.
    2. If that won't work, buy a hidden camera or even just a microphone and record! Recordings are the best proof in court and they're relatively easy to get - can't you fit a tiny recorder in your pocket?

    Be brave!

    J

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 November 2010 03:07 posted by Guest

    My husband raped and abandoned me: Our entire marriage has been about control. I suffered a very bad drug addiction. When I was attempting to become clean I met my husband and explained to him how sick I was. He had to have me. For six years he used drugs to control me, especially to get sex. He was degrading and mean when he didn't get his way. This past year I agreed to move up to a mountain, isolated from everyone and everything in order to get better and I have. The past few months, he'd gotten ridiculous with not paying bills and totally absorbed in hunting, buying guns, supplies, etc. I complained...more like bitched and bitched and bitched. A couple months ago he would come home and it was like he would attack me in a playing manner and hold me down and pinch my thighs or twist my nipples and tell me to whistle...stuff like that. I finally had enough and went crazy on him and told him he'd better stop it...it worked, he stopped doing it. But he's become distant and has started coming home later and later. One night he come home from work at 9:30, and we had a huge fight, later we lay in bed crying about our relationship...he became real affectionate and I was not feeling it, I kept telling him to stop...he ended up raping me. Then he freaked out about what he'd done and has disappeared leaving me stranded with no vehicle, no money, no food and no heat. He wouldn't let me work either, so I have no money. I have got a job and start soon. I want to know what my rights are. Can he just leave with our vehicle and not pay the power bill and water bill, etc.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 02 June 2010 12:05 posted by Guest

    It is quite saddening that: It is quite saddening that this things happen. But reality is that 40% of all housewives have experienced violence in their homes. I have been doing an extensive research for a hawaii personal injury attorneys site and have gathered a huge data of cases of domestic violence in Hawaii alone. I also have found that domestic violence is more widespread in third world countries - as much as 80% of housewives.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 09 February 2010 00:28 posted by Guest

    domestic violence: A foreign friend has experienced incredible abuse by her American husband and have difficult to find one to help here despite the victim resources that exist in Montgomery County where she lives. Her husband, a respected local businessman, has raped her, physically and mentally abused her, and threatened her life on numerous occasions. My friend, now in her forties, comes here from Country and met and married her American husband after a few years in the US. From everything I know about their life together, he isolated, controlled, stalked (cameras, GPS track, computer, cell phone) her for many years. She was silence for years.
    Recently, her neighbor called the police when she heard shouting one evening and feared for my friend die, because he has a gun. The police arrived and told her to take her possessions and leave that night. The police office advises her to found help with Abuse Person Program and get a Restraining Order. Few hours after she left the house her husband immediately cancels all her credit cards. Next day in the morning he cancels her cell phone. After he cancels the car insurance and heath insurance.
    She did, and since then she has experienced an ongoing nightmare of desperately searching for help to no avail. She is one more in thousand victim women abuse in this Country. Her husband controlled all of their finances and she only worked par time. She never has access to the bank. He opens one join account that was used exclusively to her direct deposit paycheck, that he has control. She as no access “their” money, she is completely broken and would ideally like at least to have some kind of money to cover her basic necessities.
    My friend summoned from her husband’s lawyer that says, she abandoned him and has no right to any of their possessions or money. She has spent days and days waiting in lines with other county low income residents to get some decent free legal advice. She spends her nights at friend’s houses. She has high blood pressure and cannot afford to go doctor or buy her medication. These condition need to be monitored and treated. It is probably that her husband it truly wishing that she dies while she runs from to place to place searching for help. Or maybe he wants her to return to Country and leave him alone. But she feels like the USA is her home now and does not want to leave.
    This husband of hers seems to have thought of my friend as sex/cook/housekeeper. She was ashamed each day because he got a girlfriend and it was public view. When she finally stood up to him started saying no to him, he became even more aggressive and abusive. Also he was monitoring her with inside and outside cameras around the house and GPS track in her car. He was outraged that his slave/wife would not do as he said.
    How many other women from foreign countries have gotten married to American men and experienced this horror? My guess is that are many. They have no voice. It is nearly impossible for them to get decent legal help.
    Imperfect English, a lack of knowledge about American legal system, and no family support make their situation bleak to say the least.
    This is a very important story that needs attention. My friend and I are very open to specking with you for story and help.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 17 November 2009 09:45 posted by Guest

    Usually a woman tries her: Usually a woman tries her best to hide a domestic abuse sign. They do this for various reasons : they don't want their family and friends to find out about it, they are afraid of their husband, or they don't want to admit for their self that they are an domestic abuse victim. There are so many domestic violence cases that dallas personal injury lawyers defend every year, and it's strange that in some cases the victim drop off all accusations. It's sad to watch them go back, knowing that probably the abuse wont stop.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 01 April 2009 11:51 posted by Guest

    A free resource for legal info: Hi! I see your great post about domestic violence. I wanted to let you know about the website www.WomensLaw.org which has legal info for every state in the USA including information about divorce and custody.

    If you could link to us, we would happily link your blog to our blog (www.womenslawreports.blogspot.com).

    THANKS!

    Nina Gilbert
    Program Associate
    WomensLaw.org