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When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

• The victim suffers from low self-esteem, a sense of worthlessness, a lack of control over her life, a dependency on her husband, and a distorted sense of reality in which she believes that what happens is her fault.

If you’ve found yourself in the same situation as Kate and have become an unwitting victim of domestic abuse isn’t it time to break the cycle? Instead of driving yourself to distraction why not face the simple fact that your husband’s infidelity is his choice and that choice was abusive in nature. His choices may leave you with no choice but to end the marriage.

In How To Survive The Loss of Love, Harold H. Bloomfield states that “starting over seems too big a task and often the victim feels as though she cannot live without her once-true other. Infidelity shatters her assumptions of what her life once held true. The one who was her security is now her source of danger. When safety is threatened, we have abuse.”

If your husband is cheating, take action. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. Set boundaries and be able to stand by those boundaries. Don’t allow dependence on an unhealthy marriage to tear down your ability to live life on your own terms and free of abuse.

You may not save your marriage, but you will save yourself.


Related Content:

Understanding Sexual and Emotional Infidelity, by Cathy Meyer

When To Hire A Private Investigator To Catch A Cheating Husband — a video interview with private investigator, Jerry Palace

How to Catch a Cheating Husband, 15 Signs to look for if you suspect your mate is cheating

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34 comments

  • Comment Link Susana Sunday, 24 April 2016 12:35 posted by Susana

    I found my husband going out hotel with a prostitutes, his infidelity make so sad. I don't how to separate after 16 year marriage.

  • Comment Link Pj Wednesday, 23 March 2016 22:35 posted by Pj

    My fiance has been sleeping around with a married slut for 9 months. We just moved to Texas over my father's death and his estate. He's been sleeping around with his co worker and physically abusing me when I confront him on his obvious actions. We have a 3 year old son who has downs syndrome. This behavior is not anything new, I need to find the courage to leave dispite his trail of lies and physical violence. Can u please give me advice.

  • Comment Link Kurtis k. Killinsworth Thursday, 10 March 2016 19:10 posted by Kurtis k. Killinsworth

    My ex wife cheated on me, when I seen the whip mark on her ass and upper back that she got them some odd way. after divorce she own up to it her lover whip her for having sex with her husband me. How could the husband prove he did not abused her.

  • Comment Link Frk Liu Saturday, 05 March 2016 18:49 posted by Frk Liu

    My girlfriend thought that my Match paticipation is an evidence of infedalty , from which I've never met & not intent to meet any person. It's a social web. Everybody is free to go there to chat, to find people to talk to. To prove urself, to identify urself, to compare wz others, to build confidence, to colecet plunders, mile stone, tributes ..............,,, & now she got into this web. & start to imaging shes victemlized !!! What'd be more to come in the future ?!

  • Comment Link Julie Freeland Sunday, 28 February 2016 11:57 posted by Julie Freeland

    Husband still cheating.

  • Comment Link Rekha Thursday, 31 December 2015 02:13 posted by Rekha

    I m being abused indirectly by my husband and his family members
    What should I do

  • Comment Link Michael Sunday, 22 November 2015 14:27 posted by Michael

    I am a father of 3 with my first wife who cheated with her church choir head and they ended up getting married and changing churches... (I was blamed for working too hard)

    I am also a father of 2 with my second wife who is now emotionally cheating with a PREDATOR online. This third person Weber was an old friend of mine that I now know did some sick stuff to his brother and likes to take videos of his 10 year old nieces from the neck down. However he did his grooming well and did it over a long enough time that is became almost an addiction to the narcissistic midlife crisis suffering mother of my children...

    I am trying to keep it together because I don't see this as unforgivable YET but they are determined to destroy ... most of the rest of the article is spot on... Thanks for the clarity and understanding even though I am a man.

  • Comment Link Leanne Thursday, 24 September 2015 13:59 posted by Leanne

    Creeepy. The woman my husband cheated with is named Catharine Bell-Myers (goes by Cathy Bell now). When I saw this article I thought she wrote it!

  • Comment Link geoff Thursday, 16 April 2015 20:11 posted by geoff

    WOW! I had know idea even after my very loving caring wife of 23 years expressed how and what she felt after I cheated 3years ago....I what to repair and show her how much she matters and that I truly love her but it seems we will never heal how can I learn more?

  • Comment Link Some1WhoKnows Sunday, 12 April 2015 17:30 posted by Some1WhoKnows

    First off I want to tell all of you who've been cheated on that I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves this. I also wanted to respond to Diya. Yes a man can truly love you and cheat. I'm not telling you to forgive or forget. But you were both away from each other for a long time. It is ultimately your choice whether or not to give him a second chance. Some cheaters are trying to fill a void within themselves. When they cheat it literally has nothing to do with the person they're cheating on and everything to do with filling this void within themselves. Ppl are most likely to cheat shortly after marriage, having a baby, or when going through a midlife crisis, or when they're away from the person they love for long periods of time. Sometimes these ppl never cheat again, they learn from their mistakes. But the ones who manipulate, lie & deceive you, who never take any accountability for they're actions, who blame it all on other ppl, who never admitted that they cheated, you had to find out through other means, they'll do it over & over & over. You are dealing with a narcissist. RUN, do not walk, RUN! Get away from this person as fast and as far as you can. Do not have a kid with them, that won't change their devious ways. And by all means DON'T marry them!!!! I am speaking from experience & from things I've learned about cheating & cheaters. I am not a cheater, but I seem to be a magnet for cheaters. So my advice is to learn the red flags of a cheater. Don't be paranoid, but don't allow ppl to do this to you either. Know your own worth, know that you deserve better. And like this article says, set your boundaries. If you don't want to be cheated on, tell the person from the get go that no matter how much you love them in the future, that if they cheat, you WILL walk away..... And good luck to you all, I certainly know how painful and devastating this can be. Big (((HUGS))) to you all! You will get through this & be stronger for it later. Please know that it's not because of you or what you did or didn't do or how you look or don't look. Believe me when I say it IS ALL about them and NOTHING about you, even if they try to tell you it is, it isn't.... ITS ALL ABOUT THEM AND WHO THEY ARE!!!! May God bless and be with you all on your healing journey. Take care.

  • Comment Link Gods Daughter Not Garbage Friday, 03 April 2015 22:34 posted by Gods Daughter Not Garbage

    I was engaged off and on. Hard to explain everything he said and did . I am now in a therapy group for survivors of domestic violence . After connecting the dots, I learned many things : he ha d many affairs, had an addiction to pornography, online dating, visits to get sexual massages nd has been seeing many women in the course of our pregnancy . We were always off and on. He was always hot and cold . He was Prince Charming before he got in my pants . After he slept with me , he did a switch . Mind you that before we became intimate I knew some weird stuff should be happening because he was moving way too fast . I ignored a lot of that and know now my gut was warning me . He was way too into me and it almost seemed abnormal but I loved all the attention . He seemed so perfect but like I said his true colors came out after we slept together which I wasn't ready for but is a whole other story .
    I noticed that whenever I would bring his faults to the table or when I spoke up for myself , he would flip the script and try to make a case to make me feel guilty for something . I noticed this patter and it was evident every time I brought his faults out or spoke up. One time I even told him he tries to manipulate situations when I bring his faults out and he stood quiet. And you know what they say--if someone is silenced but what you accuse them off most likely it is true !!
    So he would also start an argument mostly on a Friday so after a while it seemed that he would start conf it in purpose as a way for him to escape and go on his sexual adventures and crazy lifestyle . Funny it was always close to the weekend when it happened or close to his birthday .
    Anyway it seemed he attempted to trap me to get me pregnant to keep me around because he always asked for a baby and I would tell him :"no" and that we should wait to get married . Funny how when I left him for good after finding explicit things on his phone that I came out pregnant after supposedly he was always careful . Anyway , we stopped talking on and off in ny pregnancy . He claimed he loved me and wanted marriage .He seemed to have his mind made up for me on what I will do as his wife and of course I was very skeptical and distant to the idea of marrying him!!! His constant concern for marrying him scared me that I didn't and I am sure glad I didn't !!!
    After having our baby, he was cold , distant and mean. He didn't offer help and mind you , I had a c section surgery that was unexpected and drive myself out the hospital while he sat in the back and said it was fine for me to drive . He was barely there in my organ any and when our baby was born . At three weeks , he called one time and asked how everything was and I told him the truth how overwhelmed I was . Mind you, I got help from no one and we also developing an inflammation above my surgery that 2 weeks later caused me to have another surgery ! His reponse was : "why don't you blow your f'n brains out !" I don't remember what I said and they say when you are traumatized you forget a lot of what happened in the incident but u would imagine o was very hurt ,depressed and shocked . I had this image we were supposed to be a family . That he would work and come home to a cooked mean and that our baby will have a father . I kept praying for a miracle and would call him to advocate for our family . That didn't work . He told me straight up he didn't love me anymore and that I pushed him away. He also said that he had to accomplish his goals at all costs !!!

    Then time passed and I ignored him, although I prayed for a miracle but began to accept he probably won't come around . Oh but he did . He then claimed he still wanted us to get married and so we set a date after some deep discussion and when I found out the truth about his side chicks and lifestyle , I forced myself to cut him off. He seemed selfish most of the time and it was all about him and his goals .

    Words of what he did and said to me can't be captured in this short blog, because he did and said so much more beyond what I wrote but this is what I am learning after time of reflection, going to church, attending bible study , being in a domestic violence survivor therapy group , talking with trusted friends and family , reading blogs and informative research on domestic violence :

    In the beginning they will charm you and treat you like a goddess in that you are everything they were looking for
    Each moment you are with them , it feels so magicaland like a rromantic high . You might notice small things here and there that doesn't seem right about him but you ignore it anyway because you think you may he exaggerating , the abuser is changing and almost everyone you come in contact with enjoys their company , right when they know you fell for them that is when they shift from the Light to your life to the darkness side of your life, they will put some guilt or blame on you to the point that you start questioning yourself and then maybe believing your actions caused their bogusness and disrespectful nature towards you, they are in and out of your life , they confuse you emotionally so that you constantly think of them and they emotionally trap you, they string you along and give you false hope because they may just want sex with you when they are running low with other women in that area or you simply have something they need so they may use you ( you she a degree so they use you to advance themselves in their career so you may wrote up things for them , etc.), they poke flaws in you (I.e. you should laugh at meetings because people won't think you are strong , etc. ), they get a disgusting high knowing you are broken or hurt over how they treat you

  • Comment Link Diya Thursday, 26 March 2015 10:11 posted by Diya

    I always believed that we were a happy couple, my husband used to try too hard to keep me happy and one day he confesses his 3 months Old affair & I am shattered now. It has been 2 months now since I have known the truth but I am no better.

    I married a man in the forces who I know cannot be with me forever.

    We were in a 6 year long distance courtship period and got married 4 years back. He had to immediately leave for his field Post and we had to be separated for 1.5 years immediately after marriage. Since last 2 years when we started living together we really came to know what we are to each other. With initial struggle of adjustment things started stabilizing and we had (atleast I had) wonderful 1.5 years of staying together and forming a strong marital bond. We used to have intimacy as well as emotions.

    While we were together he had to leave for a course for 2 months and we were briefly separated.

    He came back and was pretty normal to me. And we spent 3 months together and finally he had to leave for his next post and again came a 2.5 years of separation. After leaving, a month had passed & over phone he confesses that 6 months back(while he had gone for a course) he slept with someone. They met 3 times in those 2-3 months and had several conversations on phone.

    He is crying from last 2 months and it seems he is guilty. He is taking full responsibility of his actions and wants to mend things. According to him she was a friend and they took it physical that one night. He is not in contact with her anymore nor he bothers about her. But my main worry is can a man in a distressed situation take a woman for physical comfort while he is still in love with his wife?

    He says that he has always loved me each day even the day he committed the crime but was in such strong a depression that could have good command on what is right or wrong. Is that even possible????

    I don't know if I can ever forgive him. Please help and give me hope of light.

  • Comment Link Samantha  Evans Sands Friday, 16 January 2015 16:06 posted by Samantha Evans Sands

    ***Tears Tears tears**** my husband is a liar and a cheater.... My heart is smash into many pieces. I'm so unhappy... He sleeps at this other woman's house... Don't know what to do... I have to stay strong for my six yrs old daughter. It hurt so bad.

  • Comment Link Georgianna Ginger/Clever Saturday, 29 November 2014 18:22 posted by Georgianna Ginger/Clever

    Wonderful article to dwell on this Saturday, 29TH day of November..Christmas is just around the corner and I want to be remembered... instead of HER !

    This affair has been going on , since 2012!


    GG/C

  • Comment Link Karen Teresa Monday, 27 October 2014 13:41 posted by Karen Teresa

    This is the first article I've read that recognized the problem of conflict avoidance with a cheating husband. I've always thought that was the core problem with my husband. After 35 yrs of marriage I found out that he had had 3 emotional affairs and asked one of them for a sexual affair. When I showed this to him from his emails, he swore on his mothers grave that he didn't mean any of it, that even when he was writing those love emails he knew he didn't mean it but sent it anyway. However he did say that as people get older and have different interests its common for them to live separate private lives, and their marriage still works. Really?? I am the bread winner. He hasn't worked for years. We live in a beautiful home and he told the marriage counselor that he didn't want to lose his beautiful home. He didn't say a word about losing his beautiful wife. I told him I want him out of the house. But he won't leave. None of our six children respect him anymore and 3 or my sons wonder why I still let him live with me. So I paid for tuition for him to get another line of work so he can afford to move out - but will never be able to enjoy the lifestyle I've provided. He finished school, has a job but still won't move out. I'm thinking of moving his stuff out into a storage unit and tell him he has to go now. We are legally divorced, so I'm thinking I'm on good grounds to do this. I don't know what else to do. You have any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Ben Wednesday, 22 October 2014 18:01 posted by Ben

    I was married to a woman who was a repeat cheater. I find it quite unfortunate that all articles and resources refer to cheaters as the men. Granted this might be the majority of situations but when a loving family man is victimized by an unfaithful spouse there is nowhere to turn.

    Victims of adultery should band together in a cohesive and supportive group regardless of which spouse did the cheating.

    I read this article and I wish I would have come across it years ago. The first time my wife was unfaithful, we moved past it because I moved past it and buried the betrayal deep inside of me. Things actually got better, but I realize I was sacrificing my mental and emotional health to compensate for the deficiencies.

    My wife and I went on to have three children. I burnt myself out trying to make a better life for my family without ever having the support I needed to continue pushing myself so hard. My wife, for whatever reason she might justify it, had another long and dragged out affair with a married man who neglected his family, was an alcoholic, and frequently in trouble with the law for reasons of fraud. She started to neglect her family and because very short with our kids. any reason was a good reason for her to get out of the house. I became the sole caregiver and told myself that she needed space to "find" herself.

    I confronted her with my suspicions of adultery and she ridiculed me, called me "crazy" and "paranoid". She would come home late at night while I was home worried if she was in a car wreck, and every time there was an excuse.

    She would put me down and make me feel worthless. I worked upwards of 80hrs/wk to buy a house and van for my family because she would tell me that's what a real man does. I went back to university because she didn't like my job and wanted me to make more money but be home more.

    When I finally found out about her affair, she contacted her lover to warn him and he called and threatened to kill me. After he threw my wife under the bus, I was suddenly good enough again, but she would tell me "Why don't you have your own affair so you can just get over it?" My self-worth could not be any lower. When I was starting to turn towards divorce she started being very sexual and offering sex all the time. She even told me she wanted to have more babies with me.

    The emotional abuse got so extreme that this is when I finally told her I wanted a divorce and that's when things really started to get bad. She threatened to take the kids away and ruin my life if I left her. I filed for divorce and she found a way to have me arrested. She now claims I was abusive and violent with lack of any proof. My charges were withdrawn but given that position of power she has used it to bankrupt me with legal costs and withhold our children from me even though they beg to stay with me on the rare occasion I get to see them.

    With the custody battle very slowly turning my way, she has found another way to have me arrested and charged.

    The extreme level of torment that she has put me through is more than I could ever imagine having to bear.

    With the help of counseling and the unshakable love for my children, I forge ahead, but there is one thing I know to the very core of my soul, and that is that adultery is very abusive and we in society should not treat it so lightly. I believe that I will one day dust myself off and move forward but the damage being done to my children is more than anyone should have to bear.

  • Comment Link Annie Saturday, 23 August 2014 06:59 posted by Annie

    I am ready to leave after several years of abuse and him verbally abusing me also. I have two kids and am putting myself through school. My question is, is there help out there for me? I have no one and no money. What can I do? Please help.

  • Comment Link Emily Daugherty Sunday, 16 March 2014 14:50 posted by Emily Daugherty

    My husband plays in a country band and every weekend girls surround the stage and flirt. I have begged him explaining after what he has done this shatters me but he shows little to no remorse and says get over it or leave he's not leaving the band mo matter what. I have raised his two kids my step boys with him for 8 years now and financially taken care of them. I feel hurt and used and sad and he gets mad when I cry instead of holding me and making it better. I feel worthless all the time and just lost.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 25 May 2013 03:43 posted by Guest

    In my case, my STBX's cheating was the culmination of years of emotional, financial and verbal abuse. I wonder how many others have experienced the same. To me, cheating is abuse because it is the ultimate expression of disrespect and self centeredness. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left him years ago, long before the act of cheating. But that would have taken what was taken from me--my financial independence and a sense of self esteem. I did manage to save enough to leave, but I still struggle with thoughts of worthlessness.

    I am left disillusioned with the entire institution of marriage. I voted for gays to have the right to marry in my state, but gosh, do they *really* want to participate in such a moribund, false institution? But maybe they will show us the better side of marriage.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 February 2013 22:47 posted by Guest

    I've known that my husband of: I've known that my husband of 21 years has been emotional involved with another woman for 3 months. He won't consider ending it. He says he has given up on me ever changing - that I never respect him, never thank him for his hard work away from the home, never want to sleep in his arms (literally). He sees a glimmer of happiness with this woman. He has avoided me and our 3 children for almost a year. His job has always kept him away from us so we were not aware of his withrawal from our lives for many months although the children had started to say it felt like daddy had another family. He never helped around the house when he was home. His idea of help was to tell me a better way to do something. I've basically been a single mother all my married life. About 5 years ago I stopped listening to his criticisms and complaints - it was easier to just keep quiet than argue with him. I also went back to work at a job I never really wanted to do so our eldest child could go to college without putting additional financial burden on my husband/family. I never got the respect that made me feel loved. I never got a thank you, except when I made a nice dinner. Then he developed prostate problems which made sex very difficult - the last time we tried (over 2 years ago) he threw me off him in frustration and never said a word and subsequenly never mentioned sex again. I know we both made mistakes and have misinterpreted each other's actions but I am completely distraught by his actions. He will not divorce me, wants to come and go from the house as he pleases, trys to smother the children with phony attention when he's here - yet forgot their birthdays, didn't participate in helping make a Christmas for them, and doesn't keep in touch with their lives. I can't believe this is the man I fell in love with! I still love him but he won't consider reconciliation. Everything I read suggests that his affair will fizzle out but he is such a stubborn man that I don't think he'll come home even then. I'm considering waiting it out (as my mom and mom-in-law did) since I can't afford to divorce him either. Anyone else have a similar experience or suggestions?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 14 February 2013 00:12 posted by Guest

    Cant believe this happened to me: I have been married to my husband for last 6 years. I have always been a primary bread winner since day one. I was kept in dark about his abilities to learn and any potentials. He kept trying hard to make it for living. He tried a call centre job and was thrown out for chaeting, He then tried hands on various other financial fileds and would succed and soon fail to give in all money and more back to people he owed. i always gave him support on trying new things to be successful and i could take care of my family. We have a girl 5 years old now and i am pregnant. Dec 2012 I start finding things fishy. He suddenly wanted to go gyming and jogging, he bought new clothes, perfumes, would come really late and would not answer my calls and sms most of the times. Even sunday would find some reason to go out and come late. He had withdrwan from sex. due to all this i one day after dropping my daughter to school went home and picked his car keys to search the car. I found a book where all over there were notes from girl saying i love you and also her first name and my husbands name and last name tagged to hers. i was taken a back and shicked. I went back home and gave him piece of my mind and raised my hands on him. I dint know wat to do. i go his office and confront him and also hit that girl and my husband. When i cool down and sit and talk to these 2, my husband says i am serious about her and she is pregnant!!!!! i wanted to die................i dint really know where i had gone wrong, he said i dint want sex ( i was pregnant and doctor asked to avoid) i always let him down and made him feel small. i always fought with him were his lame reasons for doing this. after my and his parent spoke to him he said its over and he wont indulge into it again......... but when i would check his phone, he would still be chatting to her and begging her not to leave him.... i was not sure of what to do.... then came time that we both went and told that girl it cant go on and she has to move out of his life. the gal then started threatening that she is pregant and black mailing my husband...but he was not less too... dunt know if he had planned all this drama with her.... he would take money from me in Jan 2013 and go and be with her in some shaddy hotel. Use my car and my money to enjoy himself..... he is sick and wost thing happened to me..... my kid and one inside me was going thru terrible shit. Now this dude is police custody for a legal offence he had done with some business associates. he claims God has punished him for hurting me..............but my heart is now into millin pieces and cant join it back...

    Wish men culd be more loyal to their wifes who are loyal and dedicate their life to them... thing og old age with them... give birth to kids and plan a family for life.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 January 2013 11:45 posted by Guest

    Character Counts: First of all how and why do we let this happen to ourselves? My husband and I met in the in a single site he has his own business said he wanted to open another one here. 2 yrs later he didn't open the business and we still live in different houses 4 hours away from each other. I need a way out but I don't have the money nor the time to get proof. I hadn't even been married a year and had to have a hysterctomy January 2012 in February my husband came from work and since we couldn't have intercourse I was going to satisfy him in another way when I got a semen smell he got all defensive "come on I've been working and sweating" I don't see him in 4 days and when we have intercourse there's very little semen. I've asked him if he needs to get that checked could be prostate he said well I pee fine. This is what I think that he had sex that day because the next day he is loaded. I love this man but if I had the proof I would leave him. I've also thought that it could be his bookeeper he seems to defend her. She had posted on the business facebook happy birthday to him and so I messaged her since she had befriended me. I thought I was nice telling her I didn't think my husband appreciated it his business put out there well that I sure didn't. She showed my husband and when I was on my way to him to surprise him with icecream cake he calls me and says who did I think I was and I told him his wife and he said he didn't want to loose a valuable employer (bookeeper) that he had a list of things I had done you know very stupid things like looking at his phone and oh yeah accusing him of being unfaithful so I said I had a list also. But what is he talking this is my 3 marriage and I had never heard of a husband/wife keepin a list my first husband was abusing and I never kept a list of how many times he hit me or pushed me. Any ways I only went because it was his birthday to leave cake and gift and to talk. I left my bag in the car and waited for him to come home he said aren't you going to kiss me so I did and so I started telling him how I felt and he said I guess nothing is going to change I was almost out the door he stepped real quick to the door and asked me do you really want this and I told him it was for the best but we spoke and I stayed. He looks at one woman about 12 times and he doesn't realize he is staring. Says it's all in my head and yes me accusing him staring at an older woman is on his list and guess what that's the #1 reason he will have to divorce me. HAHAHA

  • Comment Link lafemmechuckitta Thursday, 24 January 2013 13:46 posted by lafemmechuckitta

    concentrate on the good in yourself: Thank-you
    For the reminder that I am worthy. : )

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 28 December 2012 10:27 posted by Guest

    What the hell is wrong with all of these men? : Why do they get married if they want to be single. Or is it that they are so insecure that they need someone at home and also someone on the side telling them how good they are and telling them how much they miss them? If you only saw someone 3 hours every second day and didn't have to wash their dirty underwear I'm sure you would miss them too!
    Another common theme I have heard is that things aren't going "well at home" or "you made me feel bad" so they think it is a license to go out & find someone who will make them feel good. If women did this we would be cheating every week because it sounds as though your husbands are treating you terribly.
    I have been through the same with someone I absolutely trusted after 32 years and I am good looking too. I have men email me to meet me online and I would never think about doing it because I have weighed in my mind," if my husband found out he would leave me so do I value my husband or these other people.? The answer was my husband. I started reading all I could on marriage problems and or sex life & even sharing it with him. Things were better.( I never denied him sex & actually wanted more but he was not interested more than twice a month anymore & that is common with men who use porn or cheat)I know how important it is to the relationship. I would rank it before money.

    Then along came free access to porn on the computer and cell phones. From there I tried watching it with him but felt he was just using me in bed after getting turned on by the women he watched. I want a man to be turned on by me. I think porn can be great to get both people aroused when you get older and men's hormone levels drop but then it should be put away so you can concentrate on EACH OTHER) and ony a certain type should be seen not the violent degrading type. That s a personal decision not right for everyone. He actually thought they loved their jobs. Lol until I had him watch a documentary showing otherwise. ( I am also way more experienced sexually than him as I had more relationships before we met)

    The porn viewing led to him being home less & less until I was basically living alone. His job is long hours and stressful without all of these other things in his life so it was just a matter of time before things blew up.
    Thanks to Apple Computers I tracked him with their program "find my iPhone" I tried others but they don't show where the phone is every minute or thy aren't accurate. Or thy need a permission email from the other person. Once I saw that he was going to an area where street hookers were I then hired a private detective for absolute proof.
    He figured out something was on his phone but I deleted it and the icon goes away & all you see it in is settings - location services as ON or in ICloud as on. People don't check those settings all he time & I would turn it off when I knew I was going to be with him.(at night when he was sleeping) I kept another one called ihound as a backup but it desn't work only an hour or more apart. You can buy a tracker to put on his vehicle also.

    Thank you Apple! I will buy your products for life!

    I wrote this only to how you how even the nicest man can change and that Any man has the potential to behave this way. Some men are so sensitive that if you say something to hurt them in an argument I believe they go out and do it to pay you back. (they may not even realize that's the reason)

    Once they are caught if they blame you, show no remorse, refuse counselling or change their story then move on with your life. If they are serious about their marriage ask them to use "find my IPhone" for a year. If they don't then good luck rebuilding any trust. He lied once, he can do it again. ( my husband's answer was that he was not a dog to be tracked ( with the phone app) yet he had behaved like a dog)

    Good luck ladies I will be praying for you all to met a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated in the future!

    Katie

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 15 December 2012 11:56 posted by Guest

    Concentrate on the good in yourself : Women who have been subjected to the cruelty of their husbands having affairs deserve something far better. Instead of seeing themselves as worthless, they need to develop a more positive mindset about themselves. They need to remind themselves of all the good things they do and the ways in which they are good people, and they need to surround themselves with other people who will see the good in them and respond to it. This will build a new supportive environment the women will be able to count on more than they could their exes. In this type of environment, they can begin to rebuild their lives into ones that are more fulfilling and joyful. Forget those exes, ladies, and concentrate on that wonderful person your ex lost -- you!

  • Comment Link Lexie Sunday, 02 December 2012 19:43 posted by Lexie

    You're not alone: Honey, honey... First of all.. I am so, so sorry that you are married to this loser. My own story parallels yours. We are married to sex addicts and please know... whatever comes outta their sick, twisted mouths is pure crap. The vows were just "words?" Oh my. I wanna rip his slimy eyeballs out!

    I too was stuck, but found a teeny hole in the rat's maze he had created for me. I went to my mom who is 90 and still lucid enough to know what day it is. She is not wealthy, but I borrowed 200k (I live near NYC so home prices are sky high) to buy a charming one-bedroom apartment in an equally charming village. The money was borrowed AGAINST my inheritance and I am paying her the interest income she would've normally received. It was a little tricky because the trust is in her name, and mine as well as my older sister's, but we were all in agreement. Thank God!

    It was my only way out. No bank would've ever given me a mortgage because I am in an economy driven field and the last two years were absolute shet. So, I paid cash and when we sell our home, I'll be able to give my mom about half of it back. I'm sharing this, because its something that I don't believe most people consider. Its a win win situation. Your parents are not losing anything. Its a great time to buy! And sweetie, you deserve to reclaim your life. I'm pushing 57 and am also attractive, slim and youthful. My husband hasn't touched me in years. But was kind enough to leave his cyber sex and emails open on my laptop. He also didn't work for 3.5 years and left the support of our family to me. Then, just this afternoon, when I was cleaning out a drawer, I found his will which is from 1989 after we had been married for 16 months and I was four months pregnant. I had also gone back to college and had no skills to speak of, but was working towards a design degree. So, hubsand had willed me the apartment and all of its encumbrances, however, the rest of his holdings, 401k, IRA, etc. went to his two dead beat parents and sister who married a man of some means. So, tell me please, how was I supposed to support myself and his baby in the event of his death?

    This is how I happened upon this site. The trauma of these kinds of discoveries sends me into a complete tail spin every time. ALL I want is a sincere apology for this most obvious gaff, but even that is difficult for him. He says that he has no idea why he did it.

    typical. How many times have I heard. "I don't remember." Reminds me of Watergate.

    Anyway, my point is that you are not alone. There are zillions of us and zillions of them. And even if my plan isn't possible for some reason, like your parents also don't have any $ either, please, please keep trying.

    How do you tell the girls? I assume that they are teen-agers and if they are over 16, they are well-old enough to know the absolute unvarnished truth. You don't have to say that your h is a self-centered, self-serving pig, (even though that is EXACTLY what he is) but that he has been unfaithful to you and has had inappropriate relationships with other women and has abused the internet and that you are making plans to leave him. Ask them if they have any ideas because you desperately need to find a way out for all of your sakes. I am very concerned for their welfare, because sex addicts make for abusive parents too! And very often that abuse is in the form of sex. Not to scare you too much, but it could be anything from outright incestuous behavior to more subtle forms, like my father walking around with his fly open. In any event, it sounds like he's not really there for any of you. how terribly, terribly sad.

    I wish you nothing but good things for your future.

    Godspeed!

    Lexie

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 16 November 2012 00:09 posted by Guest

    update: footnote....CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? this woman has now applied for a transfer within the district to my husband's school site...i am floored, as is my husband...really feel i should go to the district superintendent and hr manager to let them know what has transpired in the past between this woman and my husband...my husband has said he will immediately ask for a transfer if she is hired, but i can't believe her husband is allowing this...my husband is pissed, because our grandaughter is enrolled in this same school so he now may have to move away from her because of this sick, stupid, selfish maniac who isn't happy unless she is interfering with my husbands life...unbelievable!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 04 November 2012 08:16 posted by Guest

    "Lies of Omission" by an Expert Cheater: Almost a year ago, my husband took his first "Christmas vacation" in 17 years. His job at FedEx would never allow him the time off. Right before then, he started talking to me about "this person" (never referred to her as female, which I found odd right away because he always uses names). Well, apparently, "this person" was having a rough time at his job, and being the manager, he had to help her out. By Chrstmastime, "this person" was calling his cell non-stop and he was running to the basement to talk to her in private...nothing he had ever done before. It escalated to the point that I found him on the phone one time, walked up to him, and he actually RAN AWAY from me to keep talking. He would even go outside the house or to the car to talk to her. He lied and said her job was on the line and he was helping her because she is living with her ex-husband, has kids, and she was also unhappy that she e didn't have time to see her boyfriend!another time, she called from some hospital saying her "granny" was sick...called my husband...a manager...what, am I stupid! Didn't she have a family member or friend to call instead? Well, when I did confront him I found out he's known her for at least 12 years, she has long curly hair and big boobs, "although too much eye make-up and wears "frumpy shoes to work, even though he. Told her to wear high heels ( his all-time fantasy woman, or so he's mentioned throughout the years). Well, I have none of those traits...my husband hasn't noticed what I wear in years...no tthe type to comment on a woman's shoes! Aside from all this, she is 37 and I am 53, although one thing I have always had on my side is my looks...I didn't buy clothes or do my nails etc for years in order to do for my 2 kids and "the home" but I am slim and pretty and don't look my age at all...without globs of eye liner and mascara! Well, since then I also discovered on "our" credit card" he had subscribed to singles sites and porn sites on the computer, plus I actually found his calls and texts to not only this co-worker, but a bunch of women...I even intercepted him midway at 4 am by calling one of them...I called her and told her to stop calling and texting my husband...we have 2 kids. Well, he said it was a "co-worker's sister" he'd met...when I pressed the issue after he invented a quick but "too long and elaborate lie" that should be on TV, he admitted it was woman he met online. Then I started piecing together all the lies throughout...Recent clothing purchases...expensive cowboy boots, etc..."going out with his Fedex friends" with his new jeans and cowboy boots...all lies. Telling me about going to late "dinners". Almost a year has passed...got him to go to a marriage counselor but stopped...he doesn't "believe" in them. Finally said we should be "roommates," which is how I have been living for months...in utter pain and misery. He moved in the basement from day 1 but since we have kids he has to tell me when he "works late" or goes to "dinners" etc. I am "stuck" taking care of the kids and feeling like a fool. The "original" 37 year old still calls...he jumps... He even admitted the marriage vows were "words"...different values and morals here. I was going through my mom in a nursing home and other problems...he opted to "help" another woman during my crises and at Christmastime to boot. The pain of betrayal has been unbearable. I have to find a way out...for my 2 girls And my sanity. I don't want them to grow up and think that women have to accept this cheating double-standard. Unfortunately, I gave up my full-time job for part-time years ago and have to figure out how to start over...how do we tell the girls??? Thank you to whoever is reading this.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 07 September 2012 04:27 posted by Guest

    CHARACTER COUNTS? I DON'T THINK SO....: My husband is a custodian in a small school district. He has been cheating off and on for the past 4-5 years with a MARRIED slut who was the "Program Specialist" aka vice principal (and his supervisor) at his school. She was supposed to be the "Character Counts" role model for students at this school--and her own daughter was a student there!

    From letters I found, they not only had sex in local motels, but at the school itself! Stupid little "love poems" were written by her constantly to my husband-"is this lust, or is this love"--this whore fancied herself a poet, but took all her "poetry" from Hallmark cards.

    My husband began grooming himself, excercizing, coming home late--the lying, cheating whore even called our house on weekends under pretense of needing my husband to open classrooms at the school.

    When her husband found out, he made her change schools. She still pursued my husband, and he her, through excessive phone calls. Her husband then made her transfer to a school in a town nearby still serviced by the school district. They proceeded to make over 400 phone calls on district provided cell phones during school prep and class hours, and the land lines from their respective schools.

    My husband now says it's over (for a couple of years), but I have a hard time trusting him. This woman left a message on his district cell phone last June (2011) saying "Hi, baby...I really miss you, baby...I'm outside with the family, perfect night...working on my school plan...I just really miss you, really miss talking to you in the daytime...miss you baby, love you...call me..." Can you believe it?

    This lying, cheating, OW has administrative as well, even though she was demoted before leaving my husbands school. I want SOOO badly to take my husbands phone records, her sick letters and cards, "underwear gifts", etc. to the district to prevent her from being promoted and ruin her reputation but I know my husband would probably lose his job. I also want to speak to her husband to assure he knows EVERYTHING this whore of a wife of his and my husband have been up to. I have confronted her several times in front of others as she continually comes into my husbands work neighborhood, and she acts as if she has done nothing wrong and is still the "character counts" perfect person. I can hardly stand that others know nothing of what has occurred and I am sooooooooooo angry I want to physically hurt her. My husband says I need to trust him...HARD to do, especially since he has recently begun his "primping" behavior again and is constantly preparing his appearance for his next day's work. I am a professional educator/teacher as well, and have had to retire as I could not stand staying at my own work knowing my husband and this married whore were meeting and plotting behind my back while at work. This has taken over my entire life, and affected my relationship with our four children horribly, as I am always upset and suspicious...and depressed...my self-worth is at an all-time low...

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 26 March 2012 20:36 posted by Guest

    Moving Forward: MOVING FORWARD

    1) It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take life one-step at a time.

    2) Do not try to make sense out of the NON-SENSE. It is never acceptable to go outside of the relationship to solve problems.

    3) It is NOT EVER your fault that your spouse cheated. Do not take on this responsibility.

    4) Remember the cheating spouse has not only disrespected you, they have disrespected your children, family and friends.

    5) TIME HEALS NOTHING! It is what you do with the time that matters.

    6) Remember it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

    7) There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, “That’s it, I’m done. I withdraw my emotions and my presence. “

    8) Children are much better off in a safe, loving home with one parent who is well adjusted, happy, and thriving.

    9) Do not stay in a marriage for the children if this means enabling the cheating spouse to keep cheating. This teaches your children it is acceptable in life to cheat, lie, deceive, and manipulate. Teach your children to respect themselves, you, and the world around them.

    10) Teach your children there are boundaries in life.

    11) Teach your children it is hard “to do the right thing”, but it is well worth it in the end. One who promotes his or her short-term interests at the expense of others will suffer greater loss in the long-term.

    12) Teach your children to have empathy, integrity, morals, ethics and values.

    13) Teach your children to trust their instincts.

    14) Teach your children to love themselves, but never be arrogant.

    Always remember, you are their primary role model and you have a responsibility to them as much as yourself.

    Hope this helps.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 22 March 2012 22:09 posted by Guest

    My husband is a liar and a: My husband is a liar and a cheater. I hate him with a passion. With only 4 months of marriage. I am divorcing him.
    I hate him.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 22 March 2012 03:58 posted by Guest

    This happened to me too. He: This happened to me too. He wouldn't let me use his phone some years ago. I always misplaced mine and needed to call my grandfather. It turns out he was sleeping with. Someone else and I have since forgiven him, but now a few years later he had met a girl at the park while taking our son out. I work and he stays home with our son. Well, he ended up hanging out with this girl and her daughter and didn't tell me about it until a few days later. He had her phone number, but had said that he didn't have it at first and that he only ran into her at the park. He said they are just friends and so did she rudely, but I know he was trying for more. What should I do? I'm a nice pretty girl and I'm only 27, but my self esteem is so low from years of his flaring temper and unloving behavior. I still feel like I must have done something, I'm not good enough to love, if I was skinnier ,if I didn't have to work so much if I can just be more easy going, but it's impossible to be that way when someone who is supposed to be there for you never is.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 28 September 2011 01:56 posted by Guest

    Cheaters: You were RIGHT!!!!! I asked to "borrow" his cell phone cause mine wasn't working. He errased something and took long to lend it to me!! All he needed to do was to unplugg it and give it to me! As simple as that. Also, I just learned that cheating qualifies as domestic abuse. One night I playfully grabbed the phone from his hand. He freaked out! he forsefully opened my hand and took it from me. If he had nothing to hide. Why act this way? Can I sue him? and actually win? What about Alimony?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 28 September 2011 01:40 posted by Guest

    Spouse Cheating.: My Husband's a CHEATER!!!