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Divorce Doctor

Get healthy divorce advice from our in-house specialist.  Whether you need tips on choosing a mediator or you want an expert's opinion on post-divorce parenting, she has answers for your most troubling questions.  Ask away, the doctor is in!

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Dear Pam,
 
I’m pretty sure my husband is cheating on me but I want proof and I can’t afford to hire a private investigator. I want to leave him if he’s doing what I think he’s doing. Maybe I should sign up for that show, Cheaters. That way I can get the services of a private investigator for free and embarrass him in front of the whole world. Or should I ask one of my friends to help me out by following him when he claims to be going out for a drink with the guys?
 
Reality Sucks
 

Dear Reality Sucks,

Seeing yourself on national TV during your most heartbreaking moment isn’t a bargain. Your soon to be ex won’t be the only one who is embarrassed. Reality shows only air the episodes that feature people at their worst. “Cheaters” uses real private investigators, but they charge for their services. Your co-workers, friends and family will also be witness to your anguish. Do you really want to see reruns of the worst day of your life? That kind of reality truly sucks.

Never ask a friend to spy on your husband. You shouldn’t put anyone in that position. A person who isn’t licensed as a private investigator can be charged with stalking or harassment. Following someone is harder than you think. Even professional investigators get caught on occasion while conducting surveillance. If you want to confide in a friend, that’s up to you, but don’t make her a third party to your situation.

We usually have a gut feeling about these things, so you probably already know the answer. If there are telltale signs, such as a change in his habits or appearance, you may be right. Even if he’s leaving clues all over the place, confronting him usually doesn’t work, because most cheaters deny. 

If you are already snooping through his pockets and sneaking peaks at his smartphone to see who he is talking to, that is no way to live. If you can’t live without proof, then you have to get it and take action.

Contact a licensed private investigator for a consultation. Many specialize in domestic situations and they understand what you are going through. If you want to be your own detective, you can purchase hidden cameras or recording devices online or at spy shops, but be careful, you can’t use any of that for legal reasons. 

Do some soul searching. Is he really everything you want in a man, even before this happened? Save the money you’d spend on hiring an investigator or the time you spend worrying about where he is and spend that time and money on yourself. Take a course. Take a cruise, take a walk on the wild side, tell him to take a hike. If you can’t stand the sight of each other, it’s a good excuse to get out. Let him be her problem. 

 

Image Courtesy of theglamoroushousewife.com

Dear Pam,
 
Last year, I got divorced from my husband of five years. During that time I faked orgasm, because I’ve never had one. He was my first lover. I came from a super religious home where you were supposed to stay a virgin until your wedding night.  I’m dating someone new and this time I want my relationship to be the real thing. I’ve tried a vibrator on my own. That works, but I can’t really bring out a device and hand it to him. How do I show him what I need? I can’t talk about it without getting embarrassed.
 
BYOD
 

Dear BYOD,

Most of us have faked it at one time or another. Maybe we’ve got things on our mind, we’re tired or just not interested at the moment because we were in the middle of watching a movie. Bing, bang, boom, it’s over before you know it and you can go back to watching people make fake love on the screen. But a relationship isn’t an audition. You don’t have to act to impress a man who loves you. 

Plenty of women don’t have orgasms during intercourse, they need that extra something, so you are ripping yourself off by pretending that the heavens are falling in every time he touches you. You could be receiving lots of special treatment if you tell him that you are having difficulty reaching orgasm.  

Men are just as vulnerable as we are in bed. We have the edge on this, because a man can’t fake an erection. He can fake a climax, and some do. 

You obviously didn’t feel secure enough with your ex to talk to him, so maybe he didn’t make you feel safe, or you had other marital issues, which is why you aren’t together. 

Before you get to that point with the new man in your life, be upfront. It isn’t a failure on your part and it doesn’t make you less of a woman. It isn’t easy, but if he is the kind of man you think he is, he’ll appreciate your honesty. 

You know that you can have an orgasm, so that isn’t the problem. Maybe your ex wasn’t doing things the way that you needed, but if you didn’t know what that was, how was he supposed to know? There are no rules. 

Keep exploring your body on your own. Learn how your body reacts to various stimuli, including your own hand. Sex is supposed to be fun and if a sex toy makes it happen for you, well, they are called toys for a reason. Lot’s of women had their first orgasm with the help of technology. 

I’m not saying the moment you get into bed with your new partner that you should reach over to the bedside drawer and pull out the foot long Magic Wand,  give him a chance first. It’s an adventure. Let your new man go on that journey with you. 

 

You don’t have to go through the trauma of divorce alone. Need some advice or just a shoulder to cry on? The divorce doctor has been there. We welcome your questions at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

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2 comments

  • Comment Link lucy Monday, 25 November 2013 15:40 posted by lucy

    he has other issues you need to leave him the only person you can change is yourself and you will be ok I have been where you are

  • Comment Link HELP Monday, 22 July 2013 08:46 posted by HELP

    Pam,

    I am writing you because I have been with my first husband now for 7 years. In this 7 years he has egged on a relationship with one woman for 3 1/2 years and after moving and removing her from our relationship he is now seeking prostitution for his new alternative. I have had to become my own CSI Detective and learn his tricks of hiding and lying to me. Thank God, I am a smart woman and keep all of my proof from both Phone Calls and Texting. My question to you is how do I remove the pain and hurt in order to keep a level head enough to start a divorce. I have never been married so I don't even know the first baby steps. I had also considered taking the phone numbers and information to the local police where they could monitor or but their actions. What is your view point?

    He is an alcoholic, sex addict and chronic liar. I know ALA-Non can be helpful but I am feeling lost a bit in the whole mix. Help, please...